Segments - 01: A New Hope/Podcast/Car

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

We're back! The debut of our new show "Segments" -- Five different parts, one amazing episode.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Won't last its effort to try and stop their career from going to shit. Sadness. Another podcast. Sadness.

Each app different from the last. Sadness. It's the Swiss Army Nightclub Show. Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts. Sadness. Two pathetic hosts. Here we go. Kicking it off right. Hi, welcome to Sagos.

We're the whole good show. How are you listening? It took like five months off. I fucking start from square one. On the wrong foot. Yeah, and you've done a lot of podcasts too. Yeah. And I've done a few myself with the HeadGum podcast. That's true. But we haven't done a lot of podcasts too. Yeah. And I've done a few myself with the Hedgum podcast.

That's true. But we haven't done a show together since May. Right. Except for Patreon, obviously. Oh, no, yes, of course. There was always the paywall. Yeah. The getting was good behind the wall.

Taking time off was a farce. Yes. We have not ever actually taken a week off. No, no, no. There is weekly content. We just wanted to get paid for that break. But a week off has never ever happened

for us since 2008. Earlier than that. Really? Yeah. Six. Six to seven for sure. Seven-ish, okay. And every break

was sort of preceded by a batch recording to make sure that we weren't in the deficit slash red. Right. Yeah. I mean, our job is easy.

It's absolutely easy. So easy we could do it forever and ever without a break. Yeah. We can batch. Yes, we can batch. But real jobs can't batch. Right. You can't batch.

You can't batch doctor. No. No, you can't. You cannot batch dentist. Can I see everybody this week? And then if somebody gets sick next week, I'll have seen them already. Right. You can't batch. That's an emergency. You can't. You cannot batch dentists. Can I see everybody this week, and then if somebody gets sick next week, I'll have seen them already. Right. You can't batch.

You can't bank. No, you can't bank a banker. No. No, a banker can't bank. They have to be there 9 to 5. Exactly. I can't deposit a check. I have to be there 9 to 5, but then I can take the rest of 9 to 5s off for that month.

Yes, I can work three 9 to 5s, and then the rest of the 9 to 5s are a sort of chill zone for me. It's good to be back. It's 10 to 3, honestly. 9 to sort of chill zone for me it's good to be back it's 10 to 3 honestly nine to five seems a little it's good to be batch i should say that's really good it's good to be bank yeah it's good to make bank and be batch let's take a break let's do that let's take a break yeah because we do we are in the deficit ad wise yeah yes um oh yeah we also were we were releasing previously paywall content during the course we had not gone we were not gone anyone gone but yes we were not gone but we were forgotten right which is the worst of both gone and forgotten yeah we were here and also people didn't care yeah right but now we're back back to deafening silence instead of thunderous applause. The audience went mild.

As I was with child. You are with child. Okay, wait. There's too much to get to. All right. So, right. So, actually, this is, we are three minutes in. Let's explain what the new show is because mostly we were explaining production for everybody.

Right. We are back with a new show. because mostly we were explaining production for everybody. Right. We are back with a new show. And a new theme song. That was Ferris Monchie. Yes. Shout out to Ferris. The concept is that

every single episode is five brand new segments. Yeah. We're trying to keep it new and fresh so much so that week to week it's a completely new thing.

Yeah. So five segments every single week. Sometimes they might recur if we like something. Or if they like something. Yes. So as always. Yeah. So five segments every single week. Sometimes they might recur if we like something. Or if they like something. Yes. So as always. Who cares what we like? We want to hear from you. Yeah, we want to hear from the fans. Let us know what's good, what should stick

around. And that could become a recurring segment or a semi-recurring segment. But then sometimes we might have one-offs too. Sure. Basically, five segments every single week. Basically, every time we try to think about a new podcast, we're like, that's good, but we don't want to do that every week. Right. Exactly.

Like, oh, talking about this is fun, but like, what are we going to do that every week? You know, because we had the experience of doing a podcast for, you know, nearly 10 years. We milked that cow dry. Could we do this? Oh, this is good, but could I do it for as long as we did if I were you? The answer is no. We couldn't do If I Were it for as long as we did if I were you? The answer is no. We couldn't do If I Were You for as long as we did If I Were You. We beat the dead horse until it was completely gone.

There was no point in beating the dead horse. Bone dry. Right. Hitting a skeleton. So now we have a fresh new pony to ride. Correct. First segment is catching up and explaining the show. So the show has been explained.

And yeah, let's catch up. Some life updates. What do you say? I had a wedding you had a kid oh did i tell you i ended up owning the car that i was leasing you leased to own yeah you have for whatever reason yeah the mazda yes very nice it was kind of interesting so i was able to convert the lease opportunity to more of a pre-owned vehicle. That's incredible. So that I shifted my payment. Well, they got you.

So you locked in the price. You locked in the price. But now the payment is the same. Exactly. And then after five years. Tell me about the tax write-off situation. It's a little confusing because it's the depreciation. And it's the asset.

You're writing off the depreciation versus the actual payment. And then I'll be able to sort of sell the car as a used vehicle for the first time in my life. Very nice. Of course, the cons are every time something goes wrong, now I'm on the hook. You are on the hook. I go back to the dealership. They'll still take you at the dealership, but it's not a pro boner. They'll still take me at the dealership, but I'm not treated with kindness slash reverence.

They think I was a nasty boy for taking their car. They wanted to buy it back. Right. They probably made you an offer because you had that. And I did refuse. Yes. They made me an offer I could refuse easily. It was a bad offer.

It wasn't a bad offer? It was a bad offer. Very good. I actually had a baby, but then also we had a RAV4. Tell me about the Toyota. Yeah. So I had the 4Runner. The lease ran up. I said, I'm having a baby. Having a kid. I'm having a baby, but then also we had a RAV4. Tell me about the Toyota. Yeah. So I had the 4Runner. The lease ran up.

I said, I'm having a baby. Having a kid. I'm having a baby. And I do want to hear about the kid. But how did you convert the lease? Gemma, lovely little lady. So I was like, I- You have a picture of the car?

Yeah. Oh my God, she's cute. The RAV4. I wanted the hybrid. I wanted the hybrid. I thought it was the responsible thing to do. Because you can't go full electric. It's not practical. Yeah. I couldn't do it. I wanted the hybrid. I wanted the hybrid. I thought it was the responsible thing to do. Because you can't go full electric. It's not practical.

Yeah. I couldn't do it. Not in the city. Not in New York. There's not enough charging stations. I street park. Okay. I don't know what I'm going to do there.

So, yeah. So I trade in the 4Runner. Get a great deal. Great deal. Because I got that car December 2020. And you lock in that rate to purchase that car. It was December 2019, so it was pre-COVID rates. Even better. Incredible stuff.

So they paid me cash for that car. That car appreciated in value. Which never happens. Does not happen. But you get the Army Green TRD Pro, that's gonna happen for you. Kelly Blue Book? Kelly Blue Book value? $36,000.

Oh, my God. But you locked it in at what? I locked it in at $32,000 purchase price. Of course. Of course. Of course you did. Why wouldn't I? You have to.

You lock that in. You negotiate that price. Is Gemma sweet to have as well? Yeah. And I'll tell you what, the RAV4 excuse me, the RAV4 it didn't have the legroom for Gemma's car seat because we have the upper bay. It didn't have

the legroom for Gemma. It's that tight. She wanted the RAV4. She wanted the 4Runner, excuse me. She wanted the 4Runner because she needs that extra space. We need the trunk space to break down the stroller because you have the stroller system, the up-a-baby stroller system. The up-a-baby stroller system.

Yeah. That's got the car seat. It goes into the actual wheel, the push part. Yes, exactly. And it has all these different compartments. You have the classic stroller. You have the car seat. You have the bassinet.

You can just click them all in and out. boom boom yeah but you got to put that in the trunk and the rav4 just didn't have it it didn't have this it didn't have it it couldn't have this no no it's a smaller sd yeah um so anyway yeah you're married how does that feel you're wearing a ring yeah you weren't sure you were going to do that yeah it's nice i drove the car there probably 11 11 30 i was able to fill up gas the night before just to make sure like I don't want any other stresses that day right because the day whatever went off and it was the highs and lows of getting married right right I leave the estate where we got married yeah I hit a pothole I'm like oh is this what I'm in for and you do you have roadside

protection because now you're not leasing so So I ended up getting AAA last year. Really good. Because it provided a discount on a hotel that outweighed the cost of the actual service. Incredible. Now I have the AAA, and I'll tell you the most annoying part. Roadside assistance. What's the annoying part about AAA? The letters they send you every week.

It's like, here's a new thing that you need. You can opt out. You can go paperless. I want to go paperless. You can go paperless. I want to find out. Can I see go paperless. But by the time I find out. Build up your, can I see your AAA app? Do you have the app?

Do you have the app? Do you have the triple, sorry. Do you have the AAA app? AAA app. Yeah. I don't have the app. You should really download that app. That's cool.

You should download that app. And it was so fun to catch up on everything. That's an example of like one of our first segments. Right. So now that we're caught up and the audience is caught up as well, we can do a complete pivot to segment number two. And this is the closing of that segment, which we always, we always. We end with a kiss. Yeah.

So if you guys are watching online, Jake and I will rub noses for 30 seconds. All right. We should mention this is we're recording in studio in person for the first time in several months, too. I haven't seen you since I went home to get a wrap for it. The baby plus the car. Yes. I haven't seen you since the wedding plus the car situation. At least the conversion to the ownership.

Amazing. Now I'm a used car owner. And this segment is closed. It's time for the second segment, folks. And that is something we have to figure out sort of as we go along the transition. I kind of like the idea of like a logo flying to the center, like segments,

like that part of the chorus. By the time you hear this, because we're recording this before the show comes out, obviously. Right, we have to bank, we have to batch. That's why you see this logo. This're recording this before the show comes out, obviously. We have to bank. We have to batch. That's why you see this logo. This is just the generic HeadGum logo.

We haven't even figured out the art yet. We don't know what the logo is yet. Yes, exactly. But we didn't have a lot of time. I feel like we only had like five or six months since the other show ended. Yeah, but we can't work unless there's an imminent deadline. So we didn't really get cracking until October 7th. Yes, of course.

So this is a segment. By the way, we were talking about this show, Segmania. Losers. So this is a segment. By the way, we were talking about calling this show Segmania. That's right. So sound off in the comments if you think Segmania is better, and we will change it for next episode. Yeah, which is hard because the next episode we're recording in an hour, also before the show comes out. So actually for episode three, it'll be different. And we'll re-record the theme song, obviously. We have to.

Okay. So this segment is called Poetry or Knowitry. That's right. Would you care to explain it? I believe you thought of this one. So this one is sort of a little lighthearted jab towards Jake's love of the spoken word. The written word. The written word.

Jake loves poetry. I do love poetry. I love poetry. There are a lot of poems that will actually bring me to tears and not just like, oh, my eye is wet, but like, you know, pretty. Tears streaming down. Yeah. Essentially, even short of breath sometimes. Wow. Like hyperventilating a little bit. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you reading on a treadmill or just completely from stasis? You're on a couch and then within three minutes you're like. I'm on a treadmill, but it is stationary. Stationary bike. Yeah. On a treadmill. On a treadmill. Neither of which are on. Yeah.

Okay. That's how I like to take it. Do you find yourself crying more since you had a child? For sure. What's like release your emotional something or other? Yeah. No, I mean, I cry. I'm like, I was emotional before, but like yesterday, Jill and I were watching the baby try to fall asleep.

We're doing that thing where they cry until they fall asleep, essentially. And we're doing a middle ground where you're allowed to check on them sometimes. But she's crying. She's crying. She's trying to go to sleep. She goes to bed. She wakes up an hour or two later. She starts crying. We're just watching. It's like, all right, well, we have five minutes, and then we go in. crying she's trying to go to sleep um she goes to bed she wakes up an hour or two later she starts

crying we're just like watching it's like all right well we have five minutes uh and then we go in to try to like relax her that could be a good segment by the way yeah five minutes of my baby crying but she's crying she's crying she puts her finger in her mouth and then she kind of just goes back to sleep and jill and i both just burst into tears really we're both just crying our eyes out because you don't have to go in or because she was sweet when she stopped? Because it was just so, it's just, she looks so fucking, it's so hard. She's like struggling. And then she just like looks peaceful.

And you're just like, I want to fucking go in and give you a hug and say amazing job. You got yourself back to sleep. That was huge. She just has to go back to sleep. She does anything. Yeah. When I, she smiles at me go back to sleep. She does anything. The highlight of your day. Yeah. She smiles at me when I wake up.

I could cry. What is the gas mileage on the RAV4? So the RAV4 was incredible. In city. 50 miles to the highway. Yeah. I mean, it was amazing. I could cry. The 4Runner that I traded in for, 18.

That's not useful. 18 on the highway. That's not useful. It really isn't. No, it's not. But I don't for? Yeah. 18. That's not useful. 18 on the highway. That's not useful. It really isn't. No, it's not. But I don't care. Okay, so the shtick is Jake loves poems.

I think I'm sort of like, hey, my four-year-old can do that. Yeah. So I'm going to read you a few poems. Okay. Oh, a few. Yeah, yeah. I think I've got three.

Two of them are real poems and one of them's fake, which means I wrote it. Right. They're all real poems, but I like to call the one I wrote a fake poem. This segment is actually just you tried to write poetry. In a world where you don't think poetry sucks, it's like I did my best to write a poem.

Right. And my goal, of course, is to convince you that the one I farted out on the shitter is just as good as an award-winning poem. Oh, so these all won awards. So it's not like you just – because you could have also just found you know two bad poems that's correct these are award-winning poems award-winning poems by people who dedicate their lives to poetry and then other the judges these judges thought you know what this is actually good enough poet laureate of kansas correct and then me on a notes app getting high as shit saying maybe Jake will like this. I said when we were coming up with this idea, the funniest result is me. Like you find out that I'm an amazing poet.

Right. Like you're crying at my, I'm like, is that any good? How did you harness the power of fatherhood? My God. I've been trying to write poems for a decade. I haven't been able to do what you did. Okay. First one.

It's called The Last Leaf Before Winter. Okay. Any inclination so far or you're sort of keeping your heart and mind open? I'm keeping everything open. Okay. September will never come, she said. Crop circles in her eyes,

looking deeply and falling. Back to earth when she looks forward. The cigarette butt touches the ground it's the cancer he said she smiled and tipped the man then laughed all the way home wow i don't know if you can zoom in but my eyes did get misty okay okay okay okay um i'm gonna well you don't have to say you don't have to guess yet no chance you wrote that poem you did not write that poem are you laughing because you you don't know yet oh my god okay this one's called sadie sadie yep we are until we are not i should say the pauses are line breaks. Yeah. Because I want you to sort of visualize it.

We are until we are not. Quarter parts divided between three generations. Mix and matched, but mostly Sadie. Okay. That one, you're considering that I could have written. Yeah, that one wasn't for me. And it was math and division based, kind of like a fraction thing. Yeah. So I think it's you.

But let's hear the last one. Last one's a haiku. Okay. That one's a haiku by you. It's called Muse. Nice. I started crying. You are transparent

fading through the lines of my battered poetry okay it seems like you're leading to one of the last two yeah I think you I think you wrote the Sadie one Sadie one

yeah okay so the first one was called Last Leaf Before Winter. Yeah. And I'll tell you the reason I didn't think you wrote, well, one, it basically made me cry. Yep. And the crop circles. It's the crop circles.

I think that's like a really common poetry thing that I don't think you would have come up with. But now you have to tell me if you wrote that poem. That poem was written by Jessica Burtz. Great. Gwinnett Technical College, Lawrenceville, Georgia. An amazing poem. Congrats. You knew right away.

Yeah. I mean, that's a poem. It's a poem. Yeah. The other two, give or take. A haiku is just never for me. Yeah. So you were doomed as soon as you chose a haiku

okay I'll let's read the haiku again and then you'll be able to see which one was me Muse, you are transparent fading through the lines of my battered poetry was written by Tiffany Carlson

and yes I did write Sadie let's read your poem one more time because it's so sad It's Tiffany Carlson, and yes, I did write Sadie. Let's read your poem one more time. Because it's so sad. And I'll tell you why. I didn't want to fucking say anything. Just in case Jessica wrote that.

It's kind of amazing. Poems really just move. They can move you. Yeah, and I can't quite harness the power yet. This is one I want to try again, of course. It's like the game Balderdash, but with poetry instead of the definitions of words um sadie was sadie by amir blumenfeld 2023. we are until we are not that's pretty solid meaningless sort of yeah quarter parts divided by three generations like we're all a quarter of all of our grandparents. So grandparents, parents, and you. That's what... The fractions. Sorry, I meant crop circles divided by nine.

Crop circles and cigarette butts, all right? Mix and matched, but mostly Sadie. Like, I'm like my grandmother the most, I guess. Did you like it at all? I mean, I'll even take notes the first line was interesting oh it fell apart moving through it and then you tried to just like you know make it a poem at the end yeah so what did you like about Last Leaf Before Winter? What did you get from that? Because I read it. I'm like, this is meaningless to me. I guess I feel like poetry that I really like is just like very almost mundane slice of life then stabbed you with some poignancy. It's cancer, he said. She smiled and tipped the man man then laughed all the way home. Yeah.

I guess I couldn't even tell in that poem if it was her cancer or his cancer. I guess I think it's her cancer and she's laughing because life is so fleeting and beautiful. It's cancer. He said that's the doctor diagnosing her and then she laughs all the way home. Don't read it. It's actually mine. All right. Is that what you wanted to hear?

Okay. September will never come. She said crop circles in her eyes so i guess she's saying that she's gonna die before the fall um looking deeply and falling back to earth she looks forward the cigarette butt touches the ground so she's got lung cancer um it's cancer he said she smiled and tipped the man i you don't know you wouldn't tip a doctor yeah but i think maybe she's tipping a parking garage attendant. I imagined it being at the diner, because that's just Americana poetry. Diner.

Diner vibe. Driving through the fucking Hayfields, Iowa. Then laughed all the way home. Yeah, because if you don't laugh, you cry. You did both. It's a great poem. Great poem. I'm glad you guys were here to listen to it.

I want to try that again. Give me another fucking crack of the bat. I would love that. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like a full body swap. Right. Mostly, you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

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You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready Hell yeah. Segments. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards.

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Assholes. DraftKings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Welcome to the segment we're calling Sketch 101. Sketch 101. Pivoting entirely. Although not entirely because I guess this one's also about writing. Right. So we're going to try to write a Jake and Amir sketch live right here in the next 10 minutes. Yeah. I found a website called Randomwordgenerator.com.

I'm going to generate three random words. Okay. And we'll choose which one we feel like is the most apropos for a Jake and Amir. Sounds like the title of an episode. Right. Because most of our titles were Jake and Amir noun. Yeah. Okay.

The three words that I generated randomly generated randomly sorry you really didn't like my poem at all it's sadie oh wait we're not supposed to go back to other segments three fractions divided by quarters and parts mixed and matched a matrices of ancestries actually really good i could write a poem you would like. Whirl was the day of the day. She got it all wrong. Yellow, yellow, green, blue, black. Aunt Sadie.

Did I mention I have cancer? Crop circles in her eyes. It's beautiful. That's fine. It puts you in a place. Crop circles, we eyes. It's beautiful. That's fine. It puts you in a place. Crop circles, we're picturing hay fields. We're picturing corn as far as the eye can see. We're picturing that driving across the great plains of Kansas.

Come up with the word. Excuse me. And the crop circles, they're also the rings and the bags under her eyes. It's really beautiful. Jake and Amir wreck. Jake and Amir calm. Calm? really beautiful. Jake and Amir wreck, Jake and Amir calm. Calm? Calm.

Or Jake and Amir loyalty. Wreck is pretty good because it's like something terrible happened. Yeah. W-R-E-C-K wreck, right? Yeah, exactly. I couldn't help myself.

I generated three more random words. All right, let's hear them. Jake and Amir weak, Jake and Amir zone. That's pretty good. Which I feel like almost is one already. Andake and amir week jake and amir zone that's pretty good which i feel like almost is one already and jake and amir deputy all right i like zone or deputy now more right me too so zone could be like uh you're asking me to do something and i say can you not talk to me when I'm in the zone? Yeah.

And you're confused. Right. And deputy is kind of like, I come into work and you're, you are sitting on my side of the desk. You're like my sidekick. Yeah. That's good.

Like I'm chewing on hay and I have a sheriff's thing. Right. We're trying to get somebody in trouble. Zone. I feel like zone is kind of, is nice. Cause I like the one where you're, I like the ones where you're trying to be motivational too.

Right. What was that episode where I'm giving you a- You're on Twitter? It's only when you have that joy that you can be in the zone. Right. So I come in and you're like, hey, let's have a big day today. Let's get in the zone. And you're trying to get me to do something. So it's more self-help. Yeah.

Or is it more like you come in and then you don't say anything and I go, can you not until I'm out of the zone? And then you go, sorry, like, just don't talk to me until I'm out of the zone. Okay. What if I come in and I say good morning to like Streeter sitting behind you? That's good. Morning, bud. Can you not talk to me when I'm out of the zone. Okay, what if I come in and I say good morning to like street or city behind you? That's good. Morning, bud. Can you not talk to me when I'm in the zone? Yeah, that's good. Right.

Like I read a self-help book and it went haywire in my head. Okay, so I come in, I say good morning to someone behind you. You say, can you not talk to me while I'm in the zone? I say, I wasn't talking to you. You say, what are you doing now? That's good, yeah. Now we're in a conversation. Who did you just say that to? Did you say I wasn't talking to you. Say, what are you doing now? That's good. Yeah. Now we're in a conversation. Who'd you just say that to?

Did you say I wasn't talking to you also to Marika or did you say that to me? You were speaking to... And now you're speaking to me. And I am in the zone. It doesn't sound like you're in the zone anymore. Exactly right. I was in the zone. Now I'm completely out of it. I'm gone from the zone.

And then you can start asking me what that is. Alright. Fine. Sorry. Sitting down yeah stop talking the zone's actually pretty important yeah i get the most work done when i'm in the zone right and can you not talk to me i didn't say anything and now and then you sort of it slowly comes out that the zone is like i'm doing self-help and all i have to do is snort adderall and put myself in like a meditative you're like all right so it's mostly the the pills that you got then i say by the way what are you working on you show me your laptop and it's like uh michelangelo of ascii porn i made this I guess honestly really impressive

but not well by copying and pasting other ASCII porn pertinent I added the trick is to use at symbols for the pubes I feel like we did it's hard to say which one's homage

and which one is just us slightly remembering incorrectly old episodes. Yeah. All right. So now we need the turn. Because every episode has the turn. Well, the turn could be the fact that you realize that the zone is just me snorting at her all. Right.

And then it's not actually a mental thing that I'm getting into. Right. All I have to do is take these little pills and then start to think about like a single word over and over and now i'm like i feel like i'm in the zone already and i haven't even thought of a word yet you're high man yeah my psychiatrist slash drug dealer slash zone instructor taught me about this pill yeah but then the turn would be marika's your dealer yes somebody or the zone actually turned out to be really impactful. Right.

And you're like, oh, OK, maybe you should be on drugs. Like maybe this whole thing, this whole time I should have just been medicated. Right. You just needed Adderall. You needed Ritalin. Yeah. It's sort of what I thought about the Joker movie. I'm like, is he a supervillain or is he just an unmedicated, unwell mental person?

So I accidentally take drugs that turn me in. You're like, don't do that, don't do that. And I like do take this pill. And I'm like, all right, I actually feel really calm right now. And you're like, oh. And then you start plugging away on your computer. Yeah. This is insane.

You're not talking to me. I'm in the zone, I know. Wow. So I guess all you needed was some like attention deficit disorder medication. Yeah. It feels like there's not really a punch there at the end. Yeah. We need a twist at the end. Wow. So I guess all you needed was some like attention deficit disorder medication. Yeah. It feels like there's not really a punch there at the end. Yeah. We need a twist at the end.

Yeah. Like the thing that I was actually working on was very helpful. Oh, I guess that's the twist. So then you take it. We think, oh my God, maybe you just need it to be medicated. And then you turn it around and it's like a manifesto. Exactly. I wrote an 18 page scroll.

Oh God, even your productive self is really self- manifesto. Exactly. I wrote an 18-page scroll. Oh, God. Even your productive self is really self-harming. I think I'm done. Can you print this for me? This is a scroll. Top 10 wettest pussies to have. To have. It's actually the last leaf before whatever poem.

That's good, too. A callback to this podcast was in the episode. That's perfect. All right, we're 80% of the way there. Yeah. The rest of it writes itself. Yes, this is close enough to shoot as of now, and then we'll figure out the rest on the day.

Yeah, what usually we do is we write one draft, two draft, say we'll work on it before we shoot, and then we print it out and work on it as we shoot. The worst is when we get to the end of the script we wrote and we're like, oh, this is like ending to come. There's no ending here. Yeah. Now we have to think of one on the day.

Right. That we usually force out or ask the camera guys to stop while we think of a way. Yeah, and then we sit there, and then we eventually just find one where we yell at each other. Yeah, how do I yell at the end of this lesson? Yeah, how do I raise my voice? Yeah, and then we eventually just find one where we yell at each other. Yeah. How do I yell at the end? How do I raise my voice?

Yeah. And then we can cut right there. Right. All right. That was a good, a solid segment slash episode. All right. This one is called order history. So you and I, we're going to search our email for the word confirmation and basically talk about the last thing that we ordered. That we shipped. Yeah. All right. Let's see what I got confirmation for.

Oh, it's my little nephew's confirmation this weekend. Amazing. That's an invitation. That doesn't count. Okay. All right. Oh, mine's pretty fun and it's something i have to return really yeah mine is also something uh a confirmation that i got back i returned oh okay all right so mine is a portable power bank because uh as we spoke my wedding was

last weekend. Yes. And Casey, who's in the room right now, shout out to our producer, Casey. Shout out to Casey. I asked him if he was able to shoot our entire wedding on VHS. Right. And it took a while to find a VHS camera.

I ended up finding one from our photographer who also had a VHS camera. But these technologies are so old that they don't even have batteries anymore. You have to like plug it into a wall, but you can't be beholden to a wall. So you plug it into a portable power bank. So Casey had to not only hold a heavy camera, but he had a backpack with this power bank, not even this one, because we already had two others. Why did you get a third power bank? What's that?

Why did you get all of these power banks? Because one of them potentially didn't charge. So I got a backup one. And then the backup one became the main one because the first one couldn't charge. And then I got a third one in case the first one was just completely dead. I see. But then you said the first one started charging again. First one started charging.

Just we don't know why. But I used two power banks. Wow. All the way through. One and a half. Wow. We got more than we thought we would. Yes, yeah.

So it's good that we have the extra. But now I have a third one. How many tapes did you get? A little over. It was one tape that was two hours, and then I went on to a second tape. So there's like, I'd say about two hours, 15 minutes. Wow. Yeah.

That's cool. And I was just like, just scanning through. I'm like, this is amazing, because it's like stuff that I wasn't privy to or like some stuff that i'm in but i saw it from a new angle also like a bunch of people were like you know casey's like in a tree right now like shooting this like getting like a cinematic angle of the horror or like hiding behind a bush like you really like took it so seriously it wasn't just like it's beautiful in front of you yeah it's like it really i mean it looks like home movies it's like watching is just nostalgic it's beautiful. I'm in front of you. It's like, it really, I mean, it looks like home movies. Right. It's like, watching it is just nostalgic. Instantly.

It's beautiful. Yeah. We should have a segment. We can go to business together or something. I don't know. Where I keep shooting your wedding? Yeah. Or, I don't know, maybe Jake's wedding or something.

Well, he doesn't really, he doesn't need you. Huh? He doesn't need you. Because he has the power bank. He actually has two power banks. I have the power, the third one that I have to return. But he can get the power bank. He actually has two power banks. I have the third one that I have to return. But he can get the power bank. He's the cinematographer.

Yeah. He has all of the technical know-how, all of the skill. He has the camera. Yeah. He knows what he's doing. He knows what he's making. What do you add aside from you told him once, oh, hey, we should do a wedding on VHS? That was the idea, man, specifically.

After that, I'm in the marketing engine the marketing engine so i put my entire tape online as a commercial as a you and i'm casey now and i will destroy this tape right now so that you have we should as a segment watch some of your wedding sometimes yes i want to watch it first and foremost. I haven't seen any video. No, it's great. It's a great idea. How did it feel for you holding the camera around? Did you feel voyeuristic?

Did you feel part of the party? I felt voyeuristic for sure. I felt very like most people didn't know me at the wedding. Yeah. And were looking at me like, who is this guy? Is he a friend or a man? Why is this camera 40 years old? Did any like 72-year-old Israelis... This guy was chasing OJ a minute ago.

I did make a nightcrawler joke. Like, Casey was then going to, like, go cause an accident on the 405 and take a video of it. Did any, like, 73-year-old Israeli, like, come up and compliment you or ask you what the hell you were doing? There were a few people who were like, you know, I used to have a camera like that.

Yeah, that's awesome. Very nice. But yeah, that's my last purchase. Okay. Mine was a vacation to the Dominican Republic. And you returned it? I canceled the trip. So how do you buy a vacation?

Well, I just searched confirmation. Okay. So how do you buy a vacation? Well, I just search confirmation. Okay, so I got the confirmation of me and Jill's trip to Dominicales in Costa Rica. Oh, not the Dominican Republic, excuse me. Costa Rica. Okay, yeah. Now it makes sense. Yeah, a little bit more. So we're going to go to Costa Rica over Christmas.

Uh-huh. I sometimes, you know like how it's tough to get people to go on a group vacation? Correct. I did this a few years ago and I've been doing it ever since. I just will get a house and then ask people to go

rather than being like, we should go on a weekend. Which ones can you go on? Then it all falls apart. I have a house i just have a house i have a house these are the thousand dollars and you could be there for a week or something yeah do you want to come so did that we invited some friends we invited my brother um and then i started planning the other aspects of the trip i i had the courage to do this because i knew that i could

cancel it up up until october 29th yeah it's fun to hear this story knowing that you've canceled the trip. Yeah. Like, I got the house. I got the fucking itinerary. I was like, this is awesome. Locked and loaded. Sent it around to some friends. People were getting excited.

Micah's like, yeah, I'm down. Of course. This is going to be awesome. Adventure. It's like where people go to learn to surf. There's just like very friendly waves. I'm like, this is a surf trip. It's going to be great.

Great weather. In the middle of December. A beautiful house. Yeah. Jill's going to be there with the baby. We're going to is a surf trip. It's going to be great. Great weather. In the middle of December. A beautiful house. Yeah. Jill's going to be there with the baby. We're going to get some fresh fruit. It's going to be just a really classy little trip. It's a beautiful trip.

Then I find out. You should bring Casey, actually. You could shoot the whole thing on HSS. Are you down to go? I can get the house back. I can uncancel. There's a resubscribe button. So I found out you fly into San Jose, and then it's a three-hour drive to the house and I was pushing it with you know the baby will be like

seven months old at that point that's not ideal to take a flight into it then to a three-hour drive and then I find out that there's actually no way of getting to Costa Rica direct from New York City. Layover like in Houston. There's always a layover. There's like one JetBlue flight that flies there but leaves at 5 p.m. and gets there at like 11 p.m. Then it's a three hour drive. Impossible.

Unsustainable start. To get there with the layover, I was going to need to take like a 6 a.m. flight from Newark. Yeah. With the child. With the child. With the layover. And then I got a message from the host being like, we're going to meet you at the bottom of the hill. You have to

rent a car that's a four by four because it's like a 15 minute drive through these muddy hills to get to the top of the mountain where the house is. And if you're a single guy, you're like, that's awesome. Right. If I was going with Micah great but i'm like okay i'm i've convinced jill to go on basically a surf vacation by telling her the house is really nice and the baby will have a great time yes and now i know that the baby will have a bad time so everyone but me would have a bad time yeah so i mean you'd have a bad time yeah and i was like if i'm finally getting stressed about this trip if if i'm stressed, that means everybody else is like absolutely past their breaking point. Right.

Because I have a high stress threshold. Right. I'm like, I could be driving up this like muddy hill in the rain at 1230 and be like, damn, this is an adventure. Yeah. Meanwhile, like Jill's, I remember. She's not happy about it. Yeah. When we were, when we drove to Nantucket with the baby like Jill's, I remember. She's not happy about it. Yeah. When we drove to Nantucket with the baby, baby's three months old.

So it's kind of crazy just like how a matter of like weeks the baby just becomes. She's double the age. Yeah. And just becomes like so much more portable. When she was three months old, she was very tough to transport. Not unlike the VHS camera. Yeah, exactly. It was a power bank situation. very tough to transport. Not unlike the VHS camera. Yeah, exactly. It was a power bank situation.

But like we're driving in Nantucket in like standstill traffic. The baby's starting to cry and we have to get over this bridge. And I'm like, I can get off this exit or we can get over the bridge. Like let's get over the bridge. But then we're in bridge traffic

for like 25 minutes. Stop and start. Crying baby. Baby is screaming. Jill is in the backseat trying to sing to the baby to try to get her just yeah all she and like all The baby will stop crying too is when we sing wheels on the bus I see so we're just saying like the bus driver says like we don't even know the words I'm just making them up just to get a melody going and but she just wants to be held and or fed Yeah, so she's like, but she's like barely Making them up. Just to get a melody going. But she just wants to be held and or fed. Yeah.

So she's screaming. But she's like barely hanging on. Just like on the edge of screaming. Like, ah, ah. I'm going to fucking freak out if you stop singing. Jill can't even hold her breath because she's, or catch her breath because she's just like singing nonstop. We get over the bridge into a traffic circle. Jill is fucking carsick, about to puke. The dog is like on me, panting.

Baby's screaming. We pull off to the traffic circle, and I'm just like, all right, here's like just a random pull-off where there's a tractor. In this traffic circle, I whip the car around. Jill, you can go puke there. I'll change jam.

Jill jumps out of the car, starts dry heaving. She's sobbing. The baby starts screaming. And all the people in the traffic circle are just going around. And I'm like, being a dad is easy. No problem here. She stopped crying yesterday and we were moved to tears. And the dog just has to pee.

It was just like, I was like is this moment right now is exactly what you fear when you're like can i handle being a dad right because this is like you your worst feels like it's like that every hour wife puking throwing up baby crying dog honestly the dog wasn't doing anything bad the dingo was a fucking saint for He knew how bad the situation was, and he's just like, I'm with you, buddy. What do you need? Let's run away together. Just me and you, boy. We can go to Costa Rica.

So that situation has shaded my Costa Rica trip. So now I'm pivoting. I canceled. I got the money back. I think we're going to do some kind of hotel. Sounds great. I don't need to bring nine people.

I don't need to bring anybody. I'll just bring Jill. I'll bring the baby. If anything, you should go by yourself. If anything, I should just go me and Dingo. You could actually do the Costa Rica thing. Now that I'm going solo. Yeah. I'm going solo.

Going solo. I throw up. All right. Two really good stories that were sort of drawn out of that purchase. One of them, Power Bank. The other one is a vacation that you canceled. Yes. Airbnb.

Yes. Did you break the news to everybody else that the trip was canceled? Or they're like, oh, yeah, I forgot I agreed to that anyway uh it was kind i told everybody i told micah and i think at two different points mike had uh asked me like are you sure you want to do this costa rica thing and then also jill was like um so like she just kept on asking questions like so how far was the drive okay like what flight are we gonna take just like She's like, don't worry. We're flying out of Newark. No big deal.

Yeah. No, I rented a four by four. It's all good. I actually own a RAV4. She's like, what are we going to do for food? I think there's a grocery store at the bottom of the hill. I think there's papaya that falls out of a tree onto the house. So I told them, everyone was like, okay, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I support that decision.

I wanted you to cancel the entire time i'm glad you came around and that's the end of that segment we say it at the same time quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey.

That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people yeah okay it's time for our final segment of the day this is when we're calling jake versus amir what is this one i already forget um this one i think we can i i think it can be trying to wrestle right yeah well it can be any time that we are against each other.

For this particular one, it is us alternating saying the word trashy till one of us laughs. Till one of us faints. Okay. Yeah. This one might be longer than normal or insanely short. We actually tried this once and you giggled pretty quickly. Yeah. I think we did it as an intro to our Patreon or something. Yeah. We actually tried this once and you giggled pretty quickly. Yeah. I think we did it as an intro to our Patreon or something.

Yeah. Do you want to put money on it so that there's higher stakes? Do you want to do it three times? And then it's like every time you laugh first, you lose $20. Okay. You actually have to Venmo me if you go for three. Okay. So there'll be a winner at least $20, but maybe up to $60.

All right. Okay. So you win every time. Whoever wins gets $20. Yeah. Okay. So there'll be a winner at least $20, but maybe up to $60. All right. Okay, so you win. Whoever wins gets $20. Yeah. Okay. I will do it three times. I'm already laughing. And then there's also

the gray area of laughter. You find a new gear when there's money on the line. Yes, exactly. I need this because I want to go to Costa Rica too. You want the steaks.

Okay. But then it's like, what's laughter? You know, like sometimes you're like, right. Is that laughter? I think if you make a sound.

That's laughter. Yeah. You can do this. What if Casey's the judge? Because we're going to be biased. We're going to be like, that's laughter. That's laughter. Okay.

I mean, I know that I'm just going to laugh. I can Venmo you $60 now. Get it back to me if I happen to win one of them. Okay. Ready? Yeah. Am I going first or are you going first? It's going to happen real fast.

Okay. You can go first. Trashy. Trashy. Trashy. Trashy. I'm in case. Trashy. I mean Casey Trashy

But I shouldn't be allowed to laugh when I'm saying it What? So the opposite of the game? No I didn't laugh when you said it It's 20 bucks it's not a big deal Especially because I've got it back right now Trashy Trashy

Trashy Trashy Trashy. Trashy. Trashy. Gashy. Trashy. Trashy. Trashy. Gashy. Trashy. Trashy. Trashy.

We're okay there? Check swing? Yep. Trashy. Trashy. Trashy. Trashy. Trashy.

Trashy. Trashy. Double or nothing, you little bitch. This is, well, I'm at 40. So if I lose this one, it'll go down to 20. Yeah. But I want double or nothing. Oh, you want, so. I'll Venmo you $80 or zero. Okay.

Trashy. Fuck. Just pointing to the fucking home run and striking. Baby. Calling Jill. Listen, I don't think we can afford the fucking house. I laughed again. We have to confirm that you'll send me 80.

And it does need to be 80. I wanted it to be 60, quite frankly. I thought 80 was too much. I might have to cash. Oh, my God. Costa Rican dollars. You already fucking transferred it. All right.

A short but sweet segment. Sometimes the segments will be long, sometimes short. You thought we could do an episode with like 30, 40 segments at a certain point. The original idea for the show was one segment every single week added. So it's like first episode one, second episode, the previous segment, and a new one. Third episode, the previous two, and a new one. Correct. Going all the way up to our on our

year 52 high flying segments right we did five today but in this iteration it would be up to 50 yeah i was a little concerned about that idea yeah you shot it down yeah um and maybe it's not off in the comments if you think we should do that one. And segment ideas we want, too. I think we're smart not to have a Gmail for the podcast. We're going to keep it on Twitter, and we're going to keep it in the YouTube comments. So people can just sound off there. All right. Send it to at Amir B on Venmo.

Wow. 80 bucks. Good man. Honest man. So by the end of this podcast, let's see how much cash I can get from you yeah or maybe the next one will be more geared towards you so segment ideas send them on down yeah we should have bet money on the

poem thing oh my god why didn't we give me uh for Sadie yeah Sadie was a joke I fucking knew you didn't write shit right from the jump I would have loved it if you were like You definitely didn't write that one and I did

That would have been a great moment Basically the feeling that you got for The Last Leaf of Autumn I wanted you to cry about me It would have been amazing Like if it turned out you had written Last Leaf of Autumn I would have had to be like I really like that poem

There's not like I wouldn't have been able to to get out of that and that would have been worth the 80 dollars that you also found me um and any uh segments that you want us to recur which ones of these ones did you like the most segment ideas let us know new ideas old ideas uh and of course we're still on Patreon we gotta be on Patreon we have to be patreon.com slash JA that's actually another segment

we can borrow is just watching old Jake and Amir episodes that's right that's right alright thanks so much for listening to episode one

of our new podcast and episode 500 something of every podcast we've ever done exactly exactly I would say rate, review, and subscribe but

we're already sort of baked into the RSS feed that was previous, so it'll get lost in the shuffle. Yeah. It'll all look like hundreds of If I Were You reviews and then a segments review. Yeah. So no action items for you.

Except, I guess, follow, subscribe to our YouTube channel, the HeadGum YouTube channel. One action item for you, yeah. That's pretty good. All right. And let us know what you think, and we'll be back next week until one of us turns 50, I guess. Amazing.

See you guys soon. That was a HeadGum original.