Segments - 02: Fifty Like Tweet

Episode Date: November 6, 2023

Five new segments, one great episode: We chat old photos, dead artists, and going viral.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Won't last its effort to try and stop their career from going to shit. Second. Another podcast. Second.

Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army Nightclub Show. Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts. Second. Pathetic host. Psyched. You know, we should do a, like, a 90s theme song montage of us, like, through all of the old videos. Oh, that's good. Like, so it looks like an old CGI show. Us when we're, like, 22.

That's really good. Yeah, all through our 20s. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's really good, actually. Should we have somebody else do it for us? Obviously. We can't do it ourselves. No, we can't.

That'd be a Casey thing. Yes, or a Monchi. Yes. A Casey-Monchi collab. And they'll have sneakers, too. Or a Molab. We got to thank New Merch. Yes. New show segments. Thank you for watching new merch yeah we i don't think we had any merch for our last show for the last like six or seven

not general cleanliness in 2017 which was an absolute debacle that was a debacle the rollout plan was just ill-conceived my dad still still wears his General Clemency shirt. And that's it. It's so funny. Yeah, he's the only one. Okay, this is Segments, our new podcast. Yes. I'm Amir Blumenfeld. I am Jacob Hurtwitz.

Trying to get a little more professional, going by Jacob these days. You know, guys, at this point, you guys fucking get the show. Yeah, it's episode two. You already know what it is. It's different segments every week, a completely new show, mixy, matchy, modular redesign. Exactly. The Swiss army knife of shows. Correct. So the first segment today, we're calling the 50 like tweet. The 50 like tweet. There could be lots of tweets, but not every tweet could be the 50 like tweet. This gives me an idea, actually.

Every single show, you should come up with three segments and I come up with two. Or I come up with three and you come up with two. And we don't actually know. Oh, that's nice. It's fun to hear it for the first time. Because I did kind of forget about this one. And it was exciting. It was exciting.

It felt like it was a reveal to me. And I feel like it actually should be a reveal to me. Yeah, because part of the show is knowing what the segments will be. Right. So the idea is so far growing on us, and hopefully it stays fresh as thus. Yeah. Okay. Again, if you have a segment idea, leave it on the YouTube.

Tweet at us. Right. Everything but email. Email is dead. We don't check that shit. But we do want to hear from you guys. Right. Okay.

So the name of the game here, and you want the possibility to earn your cash back from last week. Yeah. You Venmo'd me $80. I bet I'm down 80. And it was supposed to be maximum of 60. Yeah. You changed the rules in my favor. It was trashy.

Fake error in my favor. Right. Collect $80 Venmo from Jake. Indeed. So let's see if you can get it back today. In a segment we're calling 50 Like Tweet, Jake's going to tweet something from my account. Let's pull it up now. Screen mirroring.

Pull it up on the frame. We're looking for a tweet. That, oh my God, this is incredibly through the looking glass. Yeah, that's an AirPlay passcode. That is your bank pin. Okay. These are real tweets.

Yeah. And so you're on Twitter. Yeah. And if I come up with the tweet, if I author a tweet that gets over 50

likes, by the end of the segment, by the end of the segment, by the end of the show, I'll give you the

show. I'll give you the show. Give me a week. Because I'm going to get everybody I know to like it. And it can't be, you know, like, oh, by the way, if this gets 50 likes, yada, yada, yada. Oh, actually, fuck it. Why don't you retweet Zach Lowe?

We'll see what happens. That actually won't be good for you. Retweets don't perform well. You know that. So I'm thinking um 50 likes we're gonna talk about something my first inclination was like my dick is so small blank okay you know self-deprecating right toilet humor yeah exactly which we would never stoop so low and that's exactly what so i said you know what i'm not gonna do but I'm going to lean into another personality trait. Yeah. Okay.

Besides your small dick. Another thing about your personality is. I'm so Jewish. Do you know where I'm going? No, I'm so Jewish. Yeah, I'm so Jewish. And then it could be anything. I see.

Because people are just going to be like, oh, that's funny. Amir is Jewish. Okay. It doesn't really matter what the joke is. So I'm going to say I'm so Jewish that even my yarmulke is circumcised. Do you think that this is like a bad joke on purpose? Yeah. Or do you think people will like it as a real good joke?

I think this is one of those, like, it's basically a non-joke. I'm so Jewish. If I wanted to game the system, I actually could, I could do my swimmer's ear. Yeah, but we're not gaming the system. Yeah, we're not going to game the system. This is not an inside joke.

Yeah. This is completely fresh. Fresh. I'm so Jewish. Even my, I believe it's not, is it not with an R? Yeah, Yarmulka.

Yeah, Yarmulka, I think. Yeah, I usually say Kippah, the Hebrew word, but Yarmulka is like the Americanized version. Yeah, circumcised. Ka or ka? No, I think... Let's get the spelling right. That's fine.

No, it's got to perform. Because then you're going to get ratioed with everybody saying how to spell Yarmulka. That's actually good. No, it's not to perform. Because then you're going to get ratioed with everybody saying how to spell Yamaka. That's actually good. No, it's not good to get ratioed. Everybody replying and not liking. Not for this. How is this not how you spell circumcised?

It is Y-A-R-M-U-L-K-E. Oh, sorry. You were trying to fuck me. And then circumcised, how is this not correct? Is it C right here? No. That is correct. Let's.

It doesn't recognize it because it's specifically mutilation. Oh, no. There's no Z. Circumcide. S? What is it? Circumcise. Then S right there.

An S? Yeah. No way. Fuck it. I'll tweet it but I don't really think C-I-R yes

C-U-M sure C-I uh huh S-E-D oh look at that that does feel right

doesn't this feel righter oh yeah that does feel righter I had this not that yeah that's like a size now that feels really wrong.

Which is correct. You're making the size smaller. Yeah. And also circumsliced. Yeah. I'm so Jewish, even my yarmulke is sliced. That's actually a pretty good one, too. Is it circumcised or circumsliced?

Do you want to change it? No. This is perfect. I'm so Jewish, even my yarmulke is circumcised. Do you feel fine tweeting that? No. This is perfect. I'm so Jewish, even my yarmulke is circumcised. Do you feel fine tweeting it? No, I don't. I didn't consider the fact that it might be a shameful. I thought you were going to come up with a good one.

What do you mean this isn't bad? It's just weird. It's like something I would tweet in 2013. Right. Yeah. It's the equivalent of, remember when we tweeted Nicki Minaj just butt dialed Iraq? That one was funnier to me than this. Nicki Minaj just butt dialed Iraq.

I think that one did well. Yeah, that one did great. This one is, it's going to be bad. Like your ass is so big. You called someone you really didn't want to. This, the more I look at it, the worse I feel about it. It's not great. I don't love your chances, quite honestly.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, me either. But I think at the very least, what's nice is that it's embarrassing for you. Yeah, so even if you owe me $80. I pay you $80 to embarrass yourself. So this is, again, a double or nothing situation. Right. Where it's, you'll give me another $80 we don't break 50 by the end of the episode.

Yeah. Or if you do, I'll give you the 80 back. I honestly don't know what I'm rooting for because if it does well. I'm going to lose $160 today. In just one day. In a day. That's a lot. That's a lot of cash.

That's a lot of cash. That's a lot of cash to lose in a day. I got wedding gifts smaller than that. Yeah, for sure. Oh, that's actually good. I didn't give you a wedding gift. So this will count as that. A Venmo on a day. I got wedding gifts smaller than that. Yeah, for sure. Oh, that's actually good. I didn't give you a wedding gift. So this will count as that? A Venmo on a game. Actually, now that

I know I don't need the money, why don't you tweet this? Nicki Minaj just butt-dialed Iran. Final answer? We're posting? Yeah, I can't come up with anything better. Not at this point. it'll all pale in comparison i'm so jewish even my yarmulke is circumcised i bet if you google that somebody

else has said it too no way you don't think so all right we got a live stream should the segment end when we get my first like refresh no it does it in real time this is a nothing really can we hit him with the I'm serious yes and that's the end of this segment they're coming in fast and furious alright we're back

still only one like we'll keep the tweet up and keep you guys updated in real time there we got two it's a telethon of sorts okay so what's this segment Jake this one is called random picture we are going to

do this thing where you have you know you have your photos you make it small make them really small it's like a thousand newspaper covers I've had the same

I've had I haven't like cleaned my phone up since 2014 so it's just about 10 years an unedited archive of everything and then I hit you

with a swipe stop randomly choose a photo and we'll talk about it and we'll show it on the screen too maybe text it to me so we have it

so that whoever's editing this bad boy can put it in. Oh, wow. Wait, I swiped all the way to the beginning. Okay. Swipe. Stop. Pick. Stop.

Swipe. Wow. All right. This one has a story, believe it or not. It's a picture of a story. I'm waiting to airdrop it to you. Okay. Let's see it, accept it.

Oh, look at this. It's you and Jill in front of. Okay. Let's see you accept it. Oh, look at this. It's you and Jill in front of a car. That's correct. Very sweet. We got four likes on this tweet. So it'll be pretty interesting to take this off, put my picture up there, and then we'll come back and we should be around 30 or 40 likes. Because I feel like now the...

Four. Yeah. I feel like the seal is broken oh five they're now it's the algorithm knows it's playing well and it's starting to show it's a strange as someone who tweets I don't really do this yeah um is five in a minute or two does that feel good to you it's fine I've had better and I've had worse right sometimes it's like nobody likes this we're not showing this to anybody. Right.

And it's not that. Yeah. Okay. But it's also not like, oh, you're already at 31. So this is going to end up at like 24 likes by the end of the episode. It'll be between 30 and 60. I just don't know yet. Wow.

All right. So there's a real chance. Okay. All right. This is a nice photo of you and Jill in front of your old house, is it? Yes. Very low res. Yeah.

Classy. This is the day Jillian and I left Los Angeles wow and you just randomly scrolled right to it completely random like maybe the only photo of the two of us I mean this is like your last known this is such a moment this is the last yeah this is like we so intentionally took this photo in front of our house with the car all packed up. Don't know why I didn't shut the door. Who took this photo?

Miguel. Oh. Miguel. Probably the most meaningful person to this house was Miguel. He helped renovate. Yeah. To this day, my Wi-Fi, even in New York, is named Miguel to honor him. To have and to hold.

You packed the car and drove back to New York? Yeah. So we didn't sell our house. We rented it out as a furnished rental. So we packed all of our personal belongings into the car. Broke my suspension because it was so heavy and then drove to New York City. All in one week, less than that.

Yeah, I think it was about a week. Low light, highlight of the trip? Highlight was probably just after this photo was taken. We went to Wax Paper, got a final sandwich in Los Angeles. Nice. Great, great. I believe we got the Terry Gross. Yeah.

Is that the turkey one? Doesn't really matter, yeah. Then the low light, I think it would be, as I mentioned, the suspension was broken. Yep. There was so much weight in the trunk that the car, whenever I hit a pothole, it would bounce and then sway. Oh, yeah. Not a good look. Like a boat.

And there was one point when we were going into uh boulder we were like coming up and over the rocky mountains yeah and it was like kind of snowing it was dark i was swaying like a boat i was jill had no idea she's it's like christmas time this is december and she was like looking over and just being oh my god this is so pretty there are all these christmas lights and there's like snow falling i was pressing i was like full throttle foot all the way down on the gas going 60 miles per hour straight up the hill and i was like if anything happens i think i just slide backwards everyone out of the car the timing belt snaps and we're just careening back down the yeah to me i was like we are near death. Yeah, this is

really nice, but under your safety belt, just in case, babe, you might have to stop, drop, and roll. Yeah, you might have to jump out. Wow, that was an iconic photo. Iconic photo. I almost don't want to go. It'll be like a picture of a dirty vase that I sent Avital once. Yeah, well, that's it. Okay, here we go. We got the

photos, all photos, getting really small like this, right? Exactly. And then you're going to hit them with a big old swipe. And then inside, pick. I'm cheating. No, don't cheat. You have to press that.

Hey, I saw you swipe. No, motherfucker. No, no, now you're going all the way back out. You do it. I'm going to try to find what you fucking tried to avoid. It was just like a picture of like a Trump Memoji. All right. I think this is the one.

Text it to you and I'll pull it up on my computer. Okay. Scan very uneventful photo just as we suspected slash on my computer. Okay. Let's get a very uneventful photo, just as we suspected, slash feared. Yeah. Okay. This is me wearing a jogging outfit. Oh, no. You know what this is?

I'm trying new basketball shoes for the first time. I see. Yeah, the purple LeBrons. Yeah. I think they're the Kobe Hyper Grape something or other. Oh, okay. This is back in 2016, 2017, I believe. Yeah. The purple LeBron. Yeah. I think they're the Kobe hyper grape something or other. This is back in 2016, 2017, I believe. Yeah. House still pretty empty, freshly painted, moved in. And I'm sort of taking a picture and posing for maybe Marty to show my shoes. Maybe. I don't know. I don't dress that differently, so it can't be that embarrassing for me. But this is mostly, I guess my pants are a little shorter nowadays. Yeah, those are longer shorts. Basketball shorts.

Do you have a girlfriend at this point in your life? It's in play, but I'm not sure, and I don't think so. But yeah, there's a chance that this went to somebody. There should be metadata in the picture that says, this is why you took the picture. Right. But I don't have it. So you don't quite remember. Don't quite remember. It looks like you're

ready for basketball. Looks like you're texting somebody to be like I'm on my way. Oh okay. I thought that you were April 1st 2017. Oh so I was with

Avital at this point. Alright. I don't know slash hope I sent this to her but yeah I took a picture of oh yeah that's the mirror that's still in our room. Okay. Really really slash hope I sent this to her, but yeah, I took a picture of, oh yeah,

that's the mirror that's still in our room. Okay. Really, really, really less important than the one you took. Totally. Yeah, but that's the nature of the beast. It's a random. That's gonna happen. It's just random.

Okay, end of segment. That's that. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

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Enough. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely, because I do know a lot, like do you know what a nickelback does in a cover two defense? Or like do you know what a play action pass is? Like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when

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now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. All right, we are back. We got an updated like count. We're slowing to a trickle here. It's not. If you're listening now, it's too late.

Way too late. And you fucked me. Nine likes. Yeah. Nine likes in 10 minutes? 19 minutes? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, this is going to be a three-hour episode. The responses are no cap and are you serious? Right. So people, if it makes you feel any better, people think I genuinely- I might retweet this. I'll let you retweet it for the last 10 minutes. Can I retweet it and say, I think my guy needs likes on this? No, can't do that. Okay. I cannot do that. I can retweet it can I retweet it and say I think my guy needs likes on this no

can't do that okay cannot do that I can retweet it for the last 10 minutes the last 10 minutes we can give you double or nothing

no stop losing one enemy if it makes you feel any better this is a really embarrassing joke to post it does

that does help it's halfway between a funny joke and a joke that's bad on purpose. Yeah. Are you going to delete it? Maybe not because when the episode comes out, people can then come in and influx it.

Good. But I'll tweet enough to bury it. Yeah. Okay. Oh, I should have been able to let it ride by just using one from your drafts. Oh, interesting. I don't have a lot of draft action nowadays, though. All right, cool.

Okay, next segment is Celebrity Interview. Yes, we are on to Celebrity Interview. This is where I play a celebrity. You have no idea, and you're going to interview me and try to guess. Okay. I've got their Wikipedia pulled up. Awesome. Alright.

I'm excited to be here with you. Can I just say that much? Of course. I would be too. Especially because I mean, are you currently dead? Is that fair to say? You better believe I'm dead. This is insane. I can't believe I'm talking to you. You got me. You got me in the studio

even though I am dead. Insane.. Yes. I can't believe I'm talking to you. You got me. You got me in the studio even though I am dead. Insane. Yes. God, how long has it been? How long has it been since you kicked the bucket? I wonder if you, I don't think you have to guess or know. Question. Within the last 100 years, right?

No. Within the last 100 years. Older than that. Yeah, yeah. You look great. Thank you. Because like I wouldn't have guessed within the last 100 years. I've been dead longer than 100 years.

Insane. Yeah. So in between 100 and 200 years ago, you died. For sure. Yes. Holy smokes. I can't believe you died between 1823 and 1922. I was like, oh, I'm late.

I'm not too good at math anymore. Shit. No. So you died in the 19th century, the 1800s, did you? Yes. Why yes, I did. And it's awesome to have you here because I always wanted to know what life was like back then. Yeah, I could tell you all about it.

But you grew up in America. I did not. You did not. Oh, no, I did not. You're from Europe? Yes. You're a European. A European.

I wouldn't have guessed this. A dead European from the 1800s, if you can believe that. Holy smokes. Famous army man in a way. Never. Not a general. Not me. No, not a general.

Never. That's not my vibe. Not my style. No, yeah. Because when I think of famous people in Europe from 1843, it's hard to think of anybody but generals. What generals do you know? Like Napoleon and shit. Yeah. So that's a general.

Yeah. I believe that was, yeah, that was, you know, the early 1800s for sure. It's in play. It's in play. Yeah. But then there's, I mean, there's no athletes, I guess, potentially you're an artist of sorts.

Oh yes. Potentially you are an artist. Yes I am. I'm not Napoleon. No, but you do art a lot. So you knew all of the generals. Generals being Napoleon. Yep.

All of the generals. Yep. Otto von Bismarck, potentially. Maybe. Potentially. Maybe. I can't say no. Definitely a name I do remember.

But anyway, I'm a painter. You are a painter. Yes. Interesting. Oh, I said, oh shit, I said artist, but I'm not a painter. Yeah, but what else is there? There was no music back then. Yeah.

Well, there was Beethoven. That's true. Yeah. But I know you're not that., but what else is there? There was no music back then. Yeah. Well, there was Beethoven. That's true. Yeah. But I know you're not that. Now you do. You overplayed your hand. I did. Yes.

And it's awesome that your art is still appreciated today. Certainly. Somebody I know and love. Yes. Somebody I respect. Yes. As the father of some sort of movement, I would assume, if I knew anything about art history. Potentially.

Which I don't. Yeah. Would you say you have both of your ears? Because it looks like you might have cut one ear off. I did get a little odd. Yeah. And I cut one of my ears off. And that's a true story? Yes.

That's not just a weird thing that people say. I had an episode and I cut part of my ear off. I wonder why you did that. I believe I went a little cuckoo. Yeah. And like back then there wasn't a lot of ways to sort of do crazy things. Yeah. It's not like you could go on live and be naked.

Right. You couldn't take drugs and run down the street. No, I believe I like I shoved a friend and then nicked my ear with a knife. Just cut your ear off. And I didn't remember it apparently. Really? Yes. And you just hope to God that enough people heard about it?

Did you send it to anybody, or you're just like, sliced ear, and now I'm going to bed tonight? I'll tell you what, I searched it, and I couldn't really find a ton of information. It's kind of a weird story. It's like, did he really do that? Some people say yes, that I severed the lobe. Yeah, just the lobe, too. Yeah, I didn't do the full ears. You didn't, I didn't like do the full ears. You didn't do like the full thigh.

Cause that, that would probably kill you, right? I would imagine. No, no, no, no,

I don't think so. Tearing the entire ear? Yeah, you'll bleed a lot, but I think you can get by. Really? Yeah. Even in 1884 or something.

I mean, then you probably get infected and you die. But a lot of things could kill you then. But the low part, that didn't kill you? Do you know who I am? I think you're Vincent Van Gogh. That's correct. Yes. Vincent a lot of things could kill you. Yeah. But the low part, that didn't kill you? Do you know who I am?

I think you're Vincent Van Gogh. That's correct. Yes. Vincent Van Gogh, live in the flesh. That's right. That's right. And did you get any more insight whilst researching Vincent Van Gogh as to why he did this? He just went crazy, quote unquote, was that the tale?

He did. I guess he lost his mind. You know when you learn about Van Gogh in school, you're like, oh, he was an unsuccessful artist and that was what drove him crazy yeah but reading it now uh the wikipedia says he essentially suffered from psychotic episodes got it so he lost his mind and then he lost his ear yeah so like that was part of the um looks like though worried about his mental stability he often neglected his physical health did not eat properly and drank heavily. His friendship with Gawain ended after a confrontation with a razor when in a rage he severed part of his own left ear.

So it sounds like he's, you know, having a psychotic episode, threatening a friend with a razor blade. Some point in the altercation, he cut off his own earlobe or sliced himself yeah and it sounds, the stories make it sound a little bit like oh man he was a mad artist who cut off his own ear, it's like oh he was kind of

he was mentally unwell and he had an episode where he cut himself. It sucks that that's what he's most known for I think he's most most known for starry night yeah i didn't really remember that specifically but i definitely remembered the ear thing the ear thing so like van gogh coming back to life and like do people like my painting like no you're just the crazy the ear guy you're the ear guy you're known for having art that wasn't appreciated in your time so that you went crazy and couldn't hear off i would much rather be mich Michelangelo's kind of herald

as a hero. People know the Sistine Chapel, David. For sure. And was also massively successful when he was around. And he didn't have to mutilate himself for the fucking attention. My question is, would Van Gogh be as famous? Would we know who he was if he didn't do the ear thing? I think so.

I don't, I think the ear thing has an outsized reputation nowadays. Yeah. I feel like his art gained popularity before that. Yeah, before the ear thing. And then modern day historians stuck on the ear thing. Not to transition back to the tweet, but if you want to talk about not being appreciated

in its own time. Eleven legs. I mean, this is, the algorithm says, much like your car, enough is enough. And it's going to pump the e-brakes more than anything, skidding to an absolute halt. I might cut my ear off. Yeah. See if anybody likes the tweet. Ben.

There's a chance that it's a refreshing issue, but no, we're still at 11. Yeah. We're still at 11. And that's a decent amount of views. 3,500 people have seen it and only 11 people said that's pretty good. What am I going to do with 160 Venmo bucks? I don't know.

You could treat me to something. I wouldn't do that just because I'm not going to be able to use it. I feel like a certain type of man might feel guilty taking $160 from a friend. That's so much me. I did Venmo someone $200 to drive Luke to and from our dog to the venue. Right.

So this is sort of paying that off. Yeah. I would have been down to do that. For the $200. Yeah. We wanted you there to see it, but yeah. Okay. Maybe next time to pay off your debt, you have to be a chauffeur to my dog.

We are going to do a bet every single episode. It'll always be for $80. We'll see if I can climb out of this hole. Debtor's prison. A bet debt. Okay, let's take another segment break. Let's do it. All right, we have returned.

Yeah. It's time for segment number four. What's this one? This one's one of my favorites. Yeah. It's called Close Your Eyes and I'll Give You a Treat. Oh, God. All right.

So this is one where I shut my eyes. And I give you a treat. And you give me a treat. And I also have a treat for you. Okay. You'll shut your eyes and I'll give you a treat. Okay. Who goes first?

Well, you lifted it. Oh, I saw a tail. I saw a tail come out of there. It's growling. It's a fucking gecko. I think there's a possum in there. All right. Yeah, I'll go first.

You'll go first. Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to show. You close your eyes. I'll show the cameras what the treat is. Okay. This one?

Yeah. Can you see it? Yeah. Yeah. You got it. Yeah, got it. Okay. I don't know if you can read this because it's in Croatian.

I'm not very concerned because I like most things. That's correct, which is the challenge for you. Right. Did you try to get something I liked or did you try to find something I wouldn't like? I tried to get something intensely different. I see. So it won't just be like a peanut butter pretzel. Yeah.

But you might like it. Right. But to not know what it is might be alarming. a peanut butter pretzel. Yeah. But you might like it. Right. But to not know what it is might be alarming. It's really unsettling. Yeah. And I just went to the kitchen. So I feel like I fucked this up a lot because everything in the kitchen is just kind of a universal snack. Yeah, it is definitely universal.

This one is like, oh, you guys carry this? Yeah. That they could even sell this in America. So in my head, I feel like this might be like something carry this? Yeah. That they could even sell this in America. I'm wondering, so I'm not, in my head, I'm like, I feel like this might be like something coconutty. Okay. Okay, that's what I'm thinking.

So open wide, close your eyes, and I'll give you a treat. I'm so scared. What are you getting? You're crying Ginger? Candied ginger or something? It does have a dehydrated Fruity thing going with it

Apricot? Not quite apricot It is a fruit and it's covered in something else Candied yam? No, not a yam, it's not a sweet potato I'll give you one more guess And then you have to send me 80 dollars um interesting peach no the snack is mango con chili mango con chili yeah mango with chili okay so did you like that yeah it's pretty good because there's more here yeah i mean i didn't like it that much.

I just wanted to surprise you with a unique texture and an intense flavor. It was both. Yeah. Have you had one? No. Do you want to try it? I'm okay. Because I'll try your treat now.

Okay. So now you have to say the line. You have to say the name of the segment. Yeah. Have it happen to me. Okay. Close your eyes. Yeah.

And I'll give you a treat. This was a rejected trick or treat before trick or treat was around kids used to go door to door and they used to say that to them

I have a real inclination to just give you the to make a good chili yeah I can meow no looking put a fucking gerbil in my mouth

no looking okay no looking alright it is coming here comes the airplane don't lean back No looking Put a fucking gerbil in my mouth No looking Okay no looking Alright It is coming Here comes the airplane Don't lean back It's wet It's a grape

Yeah It's a grape Yeah Were you scared when you first felt it? It was cold It was colder than I thought I didn't know what to expect Yeah Graves are weird actually Because They're big Yeah. Were you scared when you first felt it? It was cold. It was colder than I thought. I didn't know what to expect. Yeah.

Grapes are weird, actually, because they're big. The skin doesn't have any taste at all. Yeah, it's just the shape and coldness of a grape, and then you bite into it, and you get the... I actually like grapes, but I never actively seek them out. Like, I never buy grapes. Yeah, me either. Only if they're there.

This might expand my palate, and you would never buy maybe mango conch chili. And I don't think I ever will. No, yeah, it's not that good. Yeah. It might expand my palate. And you would never buy maybe mango conch chile. And I don't think I ever will. No, yeah. It's not that good. Yeah. It's unnecessary. Yeah. I don't like dehydrated fruit very much.

Yeah. Like whenever there's a platter and it's like dehydrated like apricot and apples. Yeah. That's not appetizing. It's not appletizing. No. There's nothing appletizing about it. 40 likes.

Yeah. It's still at 11. For those of you listening at home, Jake tried to manifest that. Let's get a refresh. I've never seen this before. Stop refreshing it. You know it updates in real time. Close it down.

I'll Venmo you $80. Do you want to take the retweet? No, I don't want to take the retweet. The retweet might. Because I've said it. Yeah. Not necessarily. I've endorsed it.

Retweeting just signal boosts it again and honestly I don't know if it'll give you 39 more but it'll give it a big bump because you don't tweet that often it shows it to more people. Right. Okay. Just throwing it out there. I don't have Twitter on my phone. Let me see if I can pull it up.

Am I allowed to say anything? You can quote retweet but then it'll give you the likes instead of me. I would really just retweet and then it's like, it just puts my tweet on your people's radar. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sign in. We'll see if I can. Okay, let's take a break. That was our fourth segment.

We still have another segment. So let's see if you retweet in between segments four and five. We'll give it a shot. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote.

Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but

ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy.

Thank you, Squarespace. Alright, we've returned. The tweet has been read. It is viral. Oh my god, I've never seen this before. Eight and a half million likes. And you owe me $80 for every 50 over 50. That'd be fun to make it a lightning

bet where you could lose or win $1,000. Oh, we shot up to 19. One of those is me. Yeah. I went out. I retweeted it. I liked it. I put it on our Reddit, our fucking Slack.

Shut up. I'm going to bat for the tweet. I can't lose another 80. The thing is, I almost would rather lose $80 than stand by it as hard as I would have to to get it to 50. Yes. It's sort of a, it's like a bet that you win and lose at the same time. I want to distance myself from this already. There's 20 though.

20 is not nothing. It's not nothing. But we don't have a lot of time. Yeah. We don't have a lot of time. We're at our most, our last segment of the day. Yeah. Which is a little bit of an homage to our old podcast, If I Were You.

Yeah. We're basically playing Game Boy. We're summoning our old friend Game Boy's back. But instead of looking for questions in our old email address for our If I Were You podcast, we're just going to use our personal. We're playing personal email Game Boy. Game Boy's kind of getting like too personal for us. Yeah.

Let me see your phone. Let me see your phone. Oh. Get away from me, Game Boy. Give me carte blanche to your Gmail. So do you have a word to search on mine and vice versa? Yeah. We're going to each go.

And we're still hoping for one, right? And ideally it's a personal email, not like a newsletter. Right, a spam letter. Yeah. So for yours. Yeah. So for yours? Yeah. Ooh. Let's use the word bile.

B-I-L-E. B-I-L-E. Bile. Andrew Bile. Here we go. Andrew Bile. There's a lot. Yeah, there's a lot.

I'm trying to think of the most fun story based on one of these like some is just the new york times article yeah some is like a podcast submission there's a master class newsletter uh oh text chicken for london london this is from 2014 right so this is another game we played. Where we. Sent in 2013. This is a 10-year-old email. Wow. And this bit was.

I feel like we talked about this on the show. This is a good bit still. We should bring it back. The bit was that we each had gone through each other's phones. And found embarrassing text threads. Yeah. And we would read them until the other person said stop. Yeah.

Which is really a good segment for this game, for this podcast. Oh, that's true. But this was written to be embarrassing. So do you want to actually read this one? Just because it is very funny. This is a fake conversation, of course, but that you found on my phone between me and the concierge of a restaurant, a hotel that I was staying at.

Okay. So this is Amir sending a text to the concierge. And we used to do this on stage. Right. Amir, thanks for the restaurant recommendation. A plus plus plus. Concierge, of course, we are here to help. Glad you enjoyed.

Amir responds, and food poisoning. Thankfully, I have a written record of you admitting that you knowingly sent me to what I'm sure you hoped was my demise. I'll see your ass in court. Concierge response. We're very sorry that the restaurant wasn't up to your liking. We're happy to follow up with a complaint. You say, complaint? How about you suck my taint?

I'm yarping up blood and my ass is spewing mud. You owe me cash for this. This is classic Jake and Amir. It's also funny to imagine a concierge talking to a 30-year-old. Texting in rhymes. They say, out of curiosity, what did you order? You write, none of your business, fat ass. That being said, chicken tartare, medium well.

Sorry, Amir, but that's not on the menu at Monty's Steakhouse, which is where we sent you. Firstly, I never order off the menu. Secondly, I didn't go to your shitty steakhouse. I pulled an audible and went to Randy's Chicken Truck on MLK and Avenue Jew. Which is like the same exact joke. Honestly, that could have been the tweet. I just went to Randy's Chicken Shack on MLK and Avenue Jew. Yeah.

That is not an existing intersection. It is two streets. I never go off map. They don't meet. You'll be hearing from my lawyer. You sent me to my death. I'm go off map. They don't meet. You'll be hearing from my lawyer. You sent me to my death. I'm retching bile. Nice. And what you are to me is vile.

And then he responds, we are sorry. We can offer you an upgrade to a junior suite to make up for it. You say senior suite. He says deal. You write, you idiot. There was no vomit. I just upgraded to a suite free of charge. Ha ha ha ha ha. They respond. Sorry, Am idiot. There was no vomit. I just upgraded to a suite free of charge. Ha ha ha ha ha.

They respond. Sorry, Amir, we cannot honor your upgrade request. You write, no. He writes, I'm running. Oh, you say again. I'm running, sprinting, and jogging back to the hotel. I will dry heave in the lobby if you will show me that junior suite card once more, then you respond again to yourself.

What did I do to deserve this? Solid up, solid up. Absolutely crushed at the Soho theater. 2013. Okay. I'm deciding between two words slash phrases for your email. All right.

But I think I will go with Gemma Hurwitz. Oh, my God. Let's see the first email. That's so insanely personal. Yeah. The first Gmail where you reference the name Gemma Hurwitz. Okay. I'm scrolling.

Obviously a lot. To the bot bot yeah cuz now now they're all right we're at May 13th with it which is just before her birthday yeah okay but now we're in okay interesting there is an email exchange with me and somebody named Gemma Horowitz Wow Wow. You got to find that person. She inceptioned you. That's crazy. From 2012. All right.

It looks like she emailed me a couple of times. Could you name your child after me? I feel like it's really close. All right. 20. I guess I'm looking for one that's about her because there are earlier ones that just say Gemma and my last name. Oh, yeah.

It's like the equivalent of searching Gemma Hurwitz in quotes. It has to be both of them back to back like that. I should say the tweet is at 26 likes. Wow. Which is what I expected even without your signal boost. But it did give it another 15. Okay. So here is what it is um very cute very cute

very personal are you ready to hear it now let's just call it their segment so for um i was hoping for a name brainstorm email no didn't happen didn't happen over email so with uh with the name jemma we i think it came up on like an early like first couple of dates what would you name our what would we name our kids like very early in our relationship because i'm a weirdo like that was there a potential boy name didn't have any boy name there was a boy name list i see but girls was jemma was there a runner up to jemma that was almost considered no okay so jemma never never a clear-cut favorite always jemma okay from the from the jump okay so let's hear this um so the first but the first mention of her uh name in an email i was getting my mom some like little bracelet pendants.

My grandmother had a bracelet that had a little like, like a silver boy or girl head for all of her grandchildren. Which is a lot. Your mom had six kids. Right. She had six and then there was two and then another two. So yeah, there's 10 grandchildren. Yeah, 10 grandchildren.

They had 10 grandchildren. My grandma had a bracelet that had 10 little pendants on it with everyone's name. Yeah. So for Mother's Day this year, I got my mom the same bracelet and got pendants for... But you didn't get Jill anything.

I'm wondering why that is. I got Jill a daughter for Mother's Day. That's pretty hard to come by, isn't it? In addition to Gemma. I stole a four-year-old. I girl is that so i got my mom a pendant for jemma and for um her other grandson my nephew okay now oh that was that email that was that email um well the email was actually they they had sent me the wrong pendants. So I responded. I don't know. It reads exactly like text.

And food poisoning. I got free of charge pendants. That's right. Hey, good news, bud. You sent me the wrong pendant, which means, cha-ching, full refund plus $150 bitch fee. Sterling Silver for being the runner up. And I duo my friend 160 swiftly. So you're going to have to pony up that dough too.

So I do have to Venmo you again. Another episode that ends with me Venmoing your dumbass $80. This is my favorite podcast I've ever done, of course. I'm getting paid on the day and on the side. Yeah. Getting the salary and getting the 80 from you. 80. I mean, this is not nothing.

This is $160 in the morning. It's considerable. It's not lunchtime yet. You've lost the equivalent of a really nice, I don't know, what costs $160? A meal? Yeah. A really awesome meal for two. Right.

Okay. Thank you guys for listening. But I have good news. So far, I've only paid you from my Venmo balance. That's good. So it doesn't feel like it's coming out of the bank account. That said, my Venmo balance is now $15. So the next time.

It'll be cash. It'll be from my account. That's coming from Bank of America. You're going to go to lunch and be like, I'll pay everyone Venmo me. Tacos for everyone everyone but it's on me and you guys have to venmo yeah and then i use the company card i figure we can write it off as a podcast expense okay if you have your own segment ideas let us know yeah and the comments to this youtube video or the comments to this tweet yes let it all rain in on the comments of this one tweet that says,

I'm so Jewish, even my yarmulke is circumcised. Is there, could you have punched this up? I'm so Jewish, even my yarmulke is circumcised. And that's saying something. Even my nuts are circumcised? Yeah. Even, how about, I'm so Jewish, even my foreskin is circumcised.

Interesting. Yeah. Like a double circumcision. Yeah, like they snipped it off. I got circumcised twice. Yeah, I call it a,

I circumcised the head off my dick. Or like a foreskin or a two skin or an eight skin. yeah. Like, I got circumcised twice,

so call it an eight skin. Nice. Yeah, that's like a more of a rap line. Yeah. Jewish rapper. I'll pitch it to Lil Dicky, actually. That's good.

Yeah, he likes to rap about his dick a lot. Right. Okay. Yeah. Send him a text. Okay. Yeah. Segment ideas.

And for more of us, we're still on Patreon. Yeah. Patreon.com slash JA. Yeah. We're running out of segment ideas. I mean, I feel like we're already scraping the bottom of the barrel. Yeah. I mean, fucking pictures.

What are we doing? We need the wisdom of the fans now. Episode three is all an oops, all close your eyes and try this treat episode. It's treats and trashy. That's what our show is from now on. We're 10 in. Casey, do you have a favorite segment? 10 segments in.

I liked the photos. Oh, you did like the photos. I did like the photos. Wow. All right. Cool. This is the story

of your last day in LA. I was like, oh, this is, I'm learning a lot about Jake right now. Casey's like, I really like the photos.

The one of Amir standing in front of us fucking mirror. This is the theme and actually you talked about at your wedding, you need to open up more. You need to be more vulnerable. But Casey's like, I really like the photos. The one of Amir standing in front of a fucking mirror. This is the theme. And actually, you talked about it at your wedding. You need to open up more. You need to be more vulnerable.

And so far, I shared fucking my grandmother's pendant, my last day in LA. And $160. And $160 with you. And you have fucking new Kobe's and I don't know, your fucking Yarmulke. Oh, my God. Give me my money back crying I have to go on a 6 hour rant just to get there yeah you're trying to

like milk the clock extend the episode for 12 hours come on hit 30 what's it called in like congress when they talk forever to try to block something yeah Jake's gonna filibuster his tweet. And another thing. One more thing, actually.

Paying to boost it. Jimmy Stewart, you're running out of your voice. Falling asleep on my feet. Another thing with idea. Okay, thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. We'll be back soon enough. Cheers.

Bye, everybody. Damn. That was a Hiddem Original. okay thanks for listening thanks for watching we'll be back soon enough cheers bye everybody damn that was a Hiddem Original