Segments - 03: Jake's Poem

Episode Date: November 13, 2023

In this episode we discuss rice, impressions, movies, and the letter A.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number.

So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no.

No. No. No. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Won't last its effort to try and stop their career from going to shit. Sadness. Another podcast. Sadness. Each app different from the last. Sadness. It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shows.

Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts. Sadness. All right. We're back. This is our first episode since releasing the pod. Nice. Yeah. So people know what it is.

They've weighed in. Yeah. They're clamoring for more. Yeah. They can't get enough segments. Or less. Or less. Some people want a lot less. Really?

Yeah. They're like, this one was good, but I hope it doesn't come out weekly. Interesting. Yeah. Why? I think they just don't want the option to have it in their feed. Yeah. Their feed is getting cluttered.

I hope it doesn't come out weekly. Yeah. That's absurd. They want it to be like a bi-monthly thing. A bi-monthly podcast? Is that twice a month or every other month? Every other. The more rare one, for sure.

All right. Fair enough. Fair enough. Actually, I've been reading some of the youtube comments just to get some inspo for the segments yeah and i will say there is a cult following for changing the name to segmania really yeah wow i fucking knew it i knew it everybody it's not the majority oh But there is people clamoring. Really?

Yeah. Okay. A critical darling. Correct. To change the name to Segmentia. Not necessarily a runaway hit. Why don't we start next episode by saying, welcome to segments, aka Segmentia. We don't have to fully change the name. Yeah, because we got the art now on the screen.

And segments, this title works with this podcast art for sure. Segmania, it'd have to be a whole new art. A page one rewrite. Yeah. It wouldn't be this color scheme. It wouldn't be us. It would be black and white text. Right.

It would look like. Segmania would be kind of cool. You know that like hypnotic circle? Yeah. It'd be kind of like that um so actually never mind marika almost like black and white swirls with lime green accents right segmania yes exactly and marika who spent a long time on this sort of branding yeah we would like the noise that your computer makes when you're throwing something away yeah exactly exactly and that's on a whim kind of because we're not really even committed to segmania yet either

we'll see how it plays on the day my friend jesse huge wrestling fan loves segmania because it's like wrestlemania i told you before we launched segmania before marika spent any time here yeah i was i was skeptical because it's not a word. That's exactly why it's good. Because then it's easier to search. You search segments. What comes up when you search segments? Thousands of things.

But Segmania, that's us. We could trademark that. We could copyright that. And people like the song. That's good. One of the most popular segments, right off the bat, I would say, is the Poetry or No. Yeah, which is why we're bringing it back today. First recurring segment. Yeah. Episode 3. Where you'll re-read

Sadie. I'll try to hope that you forget that I wrote it. You perform it at Poetry Night. Slam poetry style. You'll never forget the name, Sadie. Yeah. You loved it. A little bit forget the name, Sadie. Yeah. You loved it a little bit. I did not like it very much.

You didn't like it at all. Well, actually, now I can't really remember. I feel like... Let me read it again. Yeah. On the show. It was... I guess I...

It wasn't bad. It was just clear that you wrote it. It was clear that that was the first poem you've ever written. All right. The way the show works, I'm sure you guys are familiar by now. This is episode three. Yeah. Each episode, four to six different segments.

We're constantly changing, constantly evolving. Yep. You can watch the show on YouTube or you can listen to it wherever you listen to your podcast. I might be a little slow on this episode. I was vaccinated, double vaxxed yesterday. Double vaxxed? Yeah, I got the flu and the COVID. They also took blood from the right arm.

Which I said was bad timing, but you didn't even consider. Yeah, because I was like, well, this is actually great timing because I'm at the doctor now. So I don't have to make a vaccine appointment. So I didn't really think twice. But now you're like, why not? Because today's a long day. Yeah, long day. Recording three podcasts and then playing paddle tennis. And now you're like out of sorts. Because today's a long day. Yeah, long day. Recording three podcasts and then playing paddle tennis.

And then we're playing paddle tennis later, yeah. And I did not, I thought that I would just have kind of a sore arm last night and that would be it. But the arm soreness turned to body soreness, turned to achiness, turned into I couldn't sleep, turned into I woke up and felt off yeah so yeah at its worst were you like oh no i can't come in today i never thought that i couldn't come in today but at its worst i thought maybe i'd have to cancel paddle tennis yeah like i can't move yeah at the end of the after podcast three i don't think i'll want to go play paddle which is still in play yeah still in play yeah when brother rented we had the court for one hour and then he was like i'm gonna get it for two last time one wasn't enough and now i'm like oh yeah now that i think back last time was enough at one

one was fine yeah we were gassed yeah maybe an hour in 10 minutes would be nice which we might be able to do today if we show up a little early if anything we should show up a little late at this point we have two hour chunk yeah we should really play from the half hour to the 90 minute mark so we can sort of bleed into both hours oh that's actually that's really smart and it is 125 dollars we should per person per person yeah but that and that does not include rentals no the rackets you also can't rent the balls you have to buy the balls yep and you have to throw them away when you leave right because why would you have them yes exactly all right let's get started we're doing wavelength yeah first segment uh we asked some of our uh listeners on instagram and youtube and twitter hit us up

with segment ideas somebody venmoed me a dollar to give me their segment idea was it good enough to read for a dollar or we want to sort of i sent it to you and you said you didn't want to do it so but you said you'd like the precedent of sort of auctioning off the last segment of the day. Yes, exactly. So a dollar is the leader in the clubhouse. Send us two. Let's see if you can beat it. $25.

I will get your segment on no matter what other things. Yes, it's a fast track. You'll goat see it. You'll basically spread your butt cheeks and write the segment on your anus. What? For $25? Yeah, for $25. That's a fucking smoothie at Erewhon.

Right? That's true. More than enough. Yeah. Not with tip. No, not with tip. Not with tip. Not with tip.

But I don't have to tip. No. All right. Segment one is sort of a popular TikTok game I've seen called Wavelengthength where, well, I'll explain it as we play it. Basically, I'm going to say a number to the camera. Okay. I guess we should say it audio-wise too. So try to like close your ears and your eyes.

Okay. Give me a la-la-la situation. So you're going to say the number right now. Yeah, and it'll be a number out of 10. I'll hum something to myself. Okay. Okay. La-la-la-la-la. The number. La-la-la hum something to myself. Okay. A-la-la-la-la-lum.

A-la-la-la-la-lum. A-la-la-la-la-la-lum. You call me hot stepper. Four. Did you see it? How long were you doing it for? Well, I was sort of trying to wait for you to be silent. I shut my eyes.

I sang hot stepper. And then I opened them and you said four. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. That's fine. That's fair, actually. This is what we're going to do. Because I can't say it while you're singing. Why not?

Because in the audio, it'll be like, while you're singing really loud, you're like, four. Okay. I have to wait until you're silent. We'll have to do it in post. We'll have to do it in post. What if you leave the room? Fine. Oh, it sucks.

Give me an hour. He's really leaving the room. Okay. Jake's going to think I'm going to stick with four because I said, oh, I'll change it. And then I'll stick with four. But I'm actually going to change it. I'm going to make it nine. You're saying four again?

You really almost came back too fast. Really? Yeah. Okay, so now that we all know the number. Okay. Everyone knows the number but me. That's correct. All right.

And you're going to ask me to rank certain things, but you don't know what number I'm trying to guide you towards. Okay. Okay. But I'm going to be giving you answers that I think are a blank out of 10. Yeah. Movies. Okay.

So a movie that I would rank that number out of 10 is True Lies. True Lies. Yeah. 10 yeah is um true lies true lies yeah so it has to be pretty mid because you couldn't think of a really shitty movie or a really great one uh let's go guess at your wedding guest yeah um let's go um who's a who's a five in terms of attractiveness or just as a person your relationship to them my relationship to that person is a blank out of

yeah ten uh we'll go uh Jeffrey Jeff James yeah okay alright so you could be trolling him 10. We'll go Jeffrey. Jeff James? Yeah. Okay. All right.

So you could be trolling him. So it could be pretty low, but I guess you like true lies. How many things am I allowed to ask? Let's say five. Okay. Breakfast. Breakfast. The impossible sausage, egg, and cheese at Starbucks sandwich. I see.

So not 10 out of 10 because that's the turkey sausage for you. All right. All right. Holidays. Where are you feeling right now? I'm feeling seven or eight, I guess. Got it. Okay.

Holidays. Holidays. Holidays. are you feeling right now i'm feeling seven or eight i guess got it uh okay holidays uh holidays i'll go um fourth of july fourth of july pretty high i think you like fourth of july because you like barbecue sauce all my answers are barbecue sauce based the sandwich also. All right, last guess. Yeah. Vacation destinations. Oh, interesting. Let's go New York for me. For you. Wow. So I think ultimately low.

I think I almost, part of me wants to say four again. I guess I'll go six. It wasn't six. It was nine. What? Yeah. Nine. Of high but not perfect were my answers.

Wow. Wow. So Jeff is great but not perfect. Yeah. True Lies, not quite Terminator level, but I really like that movie. Interesting. That sandwich is very good, but obviously not the goat. Yeah.

And then New York, I really like visiting, but I wouldn't say it's my favorite place I think you really led me astray on that. Yeah. Nine out of 10. Yeah, nine out of 10. That's like near perfection. Near perfection. You think Fourth of July is near perfection? Yes.

I think Hanukkah, that should have been Hanukkah for you. Hanukkah's good, but I don't like the winter. it near perfection near perfection you think fourth of july is near perfection yes i think hanukkah that should have been hanukkah for you hanukkah is good but it should have been ben schwartz for number nine yeah and it should have been um the it should have been what's the goat uh starbucks breakfast sandwich uh the regular sausage egg and cheese yeah i think it should have been the double bacon gouda sandwich. Well, it wasn't even, it was just breakfast in general. Right. That's true. Okay. Let's play again with, I'll leave the room and you come up with a number. Okay. Just because that was such a poor showing by you. Yeah. I think you led me astray. La la la la la la. La la la la four. La la la la four. They call me hot step four. I did think you would think I would say four again.

Yeah, I did. Okay. Now I want to say four. But I'll go. I'll say the number is six. I'm going to think of all mids. And now we wait. That's how you do it fast, folks. Did you do it? Yeah. I'm going to think of all mids. And now we wait.

That's how you do it fast, folks. Did you do it? Yeah. Did I say who gave us this idea? I doubt it. Yeah. So, I don't know if I said, but the guy who recommended this on Instagram, his name was Matthew Galluzzo.

All right. So, thank you, Matthew. This is also a game we played on the HeadGum Podcast once, like years ago. Nice. Okay. Now we've gave proper attribution. I can try to guess your number out of 10.

I might've forgotten my number. Already. Yeah. Emma, can you hold up the amount of fingers? You forgot the number that you said 18 seconds ago. I was double vaxxed yesterday. And I'm tired. I'm tired of you asking me about it.

Okay, you got it? I have it. Okay. Let's go TV show. TV show. Billions. Okay. Pretty solid, but not your favorite.

Not like entourage level or something like that. Entourage. Let's go clothing brand. Clothing brand. Old Navy. Okay. So I'm also in the five to seven range right now solid but not your faves uh let's go uh actor actor actor yeah um Actor. Yeah. Tobey Maguire. The old navy of actors.

Okay. I'm almost ready to commit to five, but I'll give myself one more. Okay. Attractive guy. Attractive guy. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Attractive guy. attractive guy yeah okay okay attractive guy let's go toby mcguire um i well i so you're i don't understand how because an attractive guy by definition would be higher on a scale yeah i guess uh i'm thinking of like a really ugly person as a one and the hottest person you could think of as a ten.

As a ten. Okay, so basically you're asking me to like give an attractive, a guy for this number. Yes, exactly. Marty. So now the game is just how hot do I think Marty is. That's right. Or how hot do you think I think Marty is? My number was nine?

Yeah. Seven out of ten six wow yeah i was already feeling six and i went a little bit higher because i felt bad that you would call marty the six well i think i'm a seven and marty looks like me i see but you always want to be one step ahead. That's right. All right. Good game. Good game. You're closer, but I think I answered the questions better. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o! DraftKings.

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Or like, do you know what a play action passes? Like, these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah. Running is when you run and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app.

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love exactly it's a survey that lets us know what you think about uh the ad experience but in order to do that we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey.

That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. All right, we're back. Yes. This is a segment I invented from scratch. Really? Yeah. I'm pretty positive we got it as a suggestion.

Really? Yeah. Well, either way, I'll take credit for it. Have a conversation without using the letter A. Okay. So we're going to talk as two normal people do. Right. But if you say a word with a letter A in it, you'll lose.

Okay. Do you want to, because the first two episodes you've lost cash to me. You've lost $80 every time. Right. Do you want to put money on this one? $80 every time? So I'm at $160? You're at $160.

Yeah. Negative. Right. Or we can put the cash onto a different part of the show. So let's put the cash. Let's put cash on this. Is it another... Are we going to do another 80?

We could do the 20 per time thing. What do you mean the 20 per time? Like every time someone loses is 20. Okay, that's good. Yeah, 20. Then we could do the 20, 40, 80 if you lose all three. Right.

Okay. So this is me and Jake having a conversation. We'll try not to do too much of a delay. But let's see how fast we can talk. Okay. Without using the letter A. Hey. Hi.

What's up? You just lost. You just lost. What's up is instantly an L. Of course it's the third letter in what. You said hey. I said hi. You said what's up.

Did you forget the game? Did you forget? I was double vaxxed. I was double vaxxed yesterday. What's up? Also, your hey was H-A-Y. I don't know how I figured that out. Okay, let's do it again.

So that's 20. And that's just the first attempt. Hello. Hi. What's up, Fox? All right. Hello. Hi.

Your turn. Sup. Good. Very good. Right? Yes. Nice. good right yes nice indeed then well let's just discuss something. Discuss things.

Sure. We could discuss corn. Corn? Let's. Sure. Corn is good. Corn. let's sure corn is good corn is

very good corn is very very good when did you try corn when did I try corn? 1989?

Unlikely. Very unlikely. Why? Well, for one thing, corn is fine. Corn is fine. Yes. Yes. But I tried it in 1989.

Did you? Yes. Prove it. How does one prove this kind of thing? Wow. Receipts. Sure. Let me dig up nine receipts in which I consumed corn in 1989.

Impossible. He's right he's right I'm sorry and oh and yes and I didn't even notice okay 20 bucks yeah that's a wash right now okay so for the last 20 let's try to talk a little faster. Because when you take things slow. Yeah. It's too easy. Yeah. You can really milk it.

Okay. Bye. Bye? That was so slow. Okay. How about this? New rule. You can't repeat stuff.

Because I've been using that as a crutch as well. Okay. Okay. All right. Let's get started. you can't repeat stuff because i i've been using that as a crutch as well okay okay all right let's get started and good evening where are you going nowhere you i'm off to... To where? The dentist.

The dentist. Now. Yes. It's night. No. It's noon. It's not. It's two.

2 p.m.? You're telling me it's two in the morning two in the morning right how could it be two when it just is when it is light out. There is... What? There is... Oh, shit, I said what? Oh, he did. He said what again? Damn it.

Which was the origin of your first mistake. All right, so I'm out. It feels like we're playing a video game. 180. We're just like sprinting. Yeah. It is two in the morning. I think that was fine.

This is, it's like, yeah, I thought I had you on the ropes. I was like trying to get you to talk faster. And think that was fine. This is, it's like, yeah, I thought I had you on the ropes. I was like trying to get you to talk faster and then I got excited. Say new words. Wow.

That was tough. All right. It felt good to win some of my money back. Ultimately, I'm out 180. Yeah,

you lost $20, but it could have been 80. Yeah. Okay. Fine. That's that, then. New segment, impressions. Impressions.

Neither of us consider ourselves good impressionists. Uh-huh. But we're also not terrible. I feel like I'm still playing the A game. Yeah. Neither of us. Oh, shit. But we're also not terrible. I feel like I'm still playing the A game. Yeah. Neither of us. Oh, shit.

So this game is we're going to alternate doing impressions. Uh-huh. And we're going to try to have Emma. Our producer. Our producer in the room with us guess our impressions. Right. Whoever gets more impressions to be guessed correctly wins. And you're saying you have to say the same sentence every single time?

Yeah, because if it's Homer Simpson, I can't have you just say, don't. That's not a good impression. You just know what that character would say. I think we should choose a sentence that we should say this in different ways. Okay. So what's an example of a sentence? It's kind of like the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. What's a good sentence that would give you the ability to put your own little flourishes

on it? Yeah. Where's the bathroom? Oh, yeah. Can I have directions to the bathroom? Yeah, exactly. Maybe it doesn't have to be verbatim, but you're basically a guy who really has to pee or a girl. Yeah. And then you're asking where's the bathroom? Yes, exactly. In your own way. All right. Great. Okay. So Emma, can you see us? Yes. I'm looking at the live edit, but I can see you both. Okay. So I can do it right into this camera. Yes. Okay. Straight to cam. So this is my first. And this one's me. Number one. Okay. Straight to Cam. So this is my first impression. And this one's me, number one? Mm-hmm. Okay. First impression. Ready? Where's the bathroom? Where's the bathroom? All right.

Do you know who that was? Are you doing Trump? Nice. Oh. What are you doing? I'm doing Robert De Niro. Yeah. Emma sucks at this game.

I'm good. You suck. Now you're going gonna do Trump wrong Emma it's a really good bathroom where's the bathroom can you tell me where the bathroom can you believe this

where's the bathroom was that your impression yeah De Niro no Emma no that was Trump I know alright no that was trump yeah all right i know that was cheating all right okay emma where's the bathroom baby arnold schwarzenegger yes that's good i should have done arnold that's right uh okay next one um hey emma where's the bathroom? I have no idea who that is. I don't know.

It's Marge Simpson. Is that really true? Yeah. Okay. Emma. Now, Emma, where's the bathroom? You didn't change your voice at all. It's just a visual affectation.

Are you... This is the worst Obama I've ever seen. It's not Obama. Who is it? Clinton. Oh, okay. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. With that bathroom.

But Obama does the hand. Obama does? Yeah, he goes... Fuck. So does Clinton maybe. Clinton does this. Obama would have been a good one. Nah, I can't use it.

Okay, I'm trying to make a very impressional person. Arnold is good if you have another one you can go okay hey Emma come on where's the bathroom this is your best impression she's gotta get it where'd it go where's the bathroom come on I don't know

that's right yes Nicole's stepping in covering my ass I don't know. That's right. Nicole's stepping in. Nicole's covering my ass. That's good. We have two producers back there. If one of them knows. I feel like Nicole would have got Marge Simpson too.

What do you think, Nicole? That was the one that I was like, have no idea. Good Marge Simpson. That was the one that I thought was the best in my mind I thought I was going to nail Clinton but I think I only know how to say

I did not have sexual relations with that woman where's the bathroom where's the bathroom can't do it what's another celebrity that I think I can do this was your fucking segment idea you can't think of Schwarzenegger you did Wall your fucking segment idea you can't be a fucking

Schwarzenegger you did Waller and you can't think of a third by the way not a celebrity she's probably one of the most famous female cartoons of all time you only thought of this because I was doing Homer outside

I got it I got it or outside? I got it. I got it. I got it. You do it. Oh, hey, Emma. Why is this the bathroom? I feel like the impression's great, but I have no idea who it is.

Nicole? What's his fucking name? From Family Guy? Cleveland? Yes! She got it! It's Cleveland from Family Guy. The shoulder movement, was that like a part of it?

No, that was me sort of being stressed out. Oh, hey, Emma. That he had to pull it out. Yes, that's correct. All right, so it's one to two? Yeah. We've each gone thrice? Yeah.

Okay. I'm just crying. Now, Emma, where's the... Oh, fuck. No, that's not right. Hold on. Give me a second. Are you doing Butt W? Are you doing George Bush?

You can only do presidents. I'm just going to do a southern accent and say yes to whoever you guess. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Hey, Emma, where's the bathroom? I think I know it. We're just only getting each other.

Wait, if you don't get it, I'll let you try to do this. Yes, it was Jack Nicholson. Were you going to guess Jack Nicholson. That's correct. Were you going to guess Jack Nicholson? Where's the bathroom? I think Nicole is just good at this game. I think I'm the problem. We suck. I'm like fighting for the points right now.

Somehow Nicole just won $80. All right, let me see if I can fart out one more. And I'm starting to realize all my impressions are of cartoons. But now that I know you watch Family Guy and The Simpsons. I don't. You do. You do. You obviously do.

I watch The Simpsons. Oh, you do? That's not why I couldn't get Mark Simpson, to be very clear. Ready? Hey, Emma, where's the bathroom? I've never seen you make that noise before. Do you know who that was it's Professor Frank from the Simpsons

do your Anthony Kiedis ask you where the bathroom is oh I can do it okay a new one where is the bathroom oh hey no that sounds like Cleveland that's Cleveland again

where's the bathroom I'm trying to do Kermit yeah all right do you have a last one Sounds like Cleveland. That's Cleveland again. Where's the bathroom? I'm trying to do Kermit. It's Kermit. Yeah. All right. Do you have a last one? I did. I truly did, and now I lost it.

I forgot. I feel like I could do Obama. Okay. Where's the bathroom? That's pretty good. Yeah. Thank you. What do you guys think?

That wasn't bad. Jack Nicholson? I wouldn't have gotten it, but it wasn't bad. You's pretty good. What do you guys think? That wasn't bad. Jack Nicholson? I wouldn't have gotten it, but it wasn't bad. You said it beforehand. I feel like the impression of the day was Marge. Nobody got it. Marge was a 4 out of 10.

Where's the bathroom, homie? Homie. That's good. That's terrible. Do you guys have one for us um the marginal is pretty good where's the bathroom oh okay i do i don't know if you're gonna get it um it it's pretty hard when you're put on the spot like that i think we should have been allowed to say an iconic line of every single person yeah that's too easy just redo the segment like that um where is the bathroom

no that's not good that's not at all what i was trying to do that's the issue with this segment you don't know how it's gonna sound you don't you don't you're like oh i can do this thing yeah yeah i got most of yours you guys got marky mark nobody got my mark no nicole got it all right great um that was a wash i think i won but it doesn't feel like that did we put 160 bucks on it 180 we said i think we said 180 at the end of the day. This is one I like to call, explain it to me like I'm five, teach me something. Right. Okay.

But you don't know what I'm going to ask you. Yes. I'm going to ask you something I've constantly been wondering about, but never looked up. Yep. And you're going to have to explain to me how this thing works. Off the top of the dome. Correct. I have no idea what you're going to ask. Okay.

My question is, how do they make tofu? Well, can I use the A's or no? You can use any letter. Okay. Because it's like this brick of what? It's like a spongy brick. But then what's the process? Walk me through that.

Well, tofu comes from beans. Correct. Yes. And they get kind of, you have a silk screen, kind of like a screen, like a press, cheesecloth, et cetera, et cetera. So you're squeezing the juice out of the beans. And then you're constantly hydrating the beans, squeezing it, squeezing the bean juice into a bean paste. And then you're going to allow that to dry in the sun. The paste dries.

The paste dries. And it looks like a big old sheet. And then you cut it into. Doesn't the cheesecloth. Oh, you're saying you're discarding the water. And what's left is just the fiber of the bean. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly right.

And then that spun, that, that, the, the bean paste. Yeah. They sort of just mold that into it. So like, yeah, you have a whole bunch of beans, but that's not tofu until you push all of the water out, extract all the water. So tofu is just beans without the water. Essentially.

But it's weird because beans come in all colors, but tofu is very specific. They don't come in all colors. Beans do. There's like red in all colors beans do there's like red beans black beans that's actually a misnomer it's a common misconception all beans are gray and they're they're dyed that certain color um yeah that that part you weren't wondering about backing it up yeah are there bean seeds like how do they grow beans um well you plant a bean and then that turns into a bean tree there's no bean tree yeah there's no bean tree

bean isn't a seed bean is not a seed a bean is a bean so there are seeds for beans no no you be a bean is a bean yeah a bean is a bean is a bean. Correct. That's how it's always been. That's really good. But no, yeah, there are bean bogs. Bogs? Bogs of beans. But they put seeds in. So there are seeds for beans.

No, no. A bean is a seed for a bean. You're saying any bean can be planted in a bean tree? In the right environment. Yeah. Beans will grow. What about rice? Rice is an interesting one.'s bog based that's a rice patty yeah yeah so like how are they making that are they putting seeds down and then rice grows yeah seeds are you so you can get a rice seed yeah rice seed you can get a rice seed rice seed and you put it in because they're

kind of like i imagine they're like lily pads and then what what like what get a rice seed. A rice seed. Yeah. And you put it in the ground. Because they're kind of like, I imagine they're like lily pads. And then what? What does a rice tree look like? What does a rice tree look like? There is no rice tree. It's all- I've seen like apples being harvested. What does it look like when you harvest rice?

I think they grow like on top of water. So what does that mean? Like little rice, individual rice like things. Yeah. Grains of rice. Grains grains of rice are just emerged from the water? Right. Or are they in a plant? I have to know. It's a plant.

What did I already say? Rice, oh, rice fields, rice. Bogs. Rice bogs. They're grown on water. Yeah. They're grown on water. But is it a plant?

Like green plant and then you there's rice, grains of rice in the plant? Yeah. The plant is underneath the water. The rice is part of the plant but then it rises to the top and then you rake the rice off. So like grains of rice are just falling off

this plant? Yeah. Well they're being plucked off and floating to the top. Then the farmers kind of rake them. So individual grains of rice are part of this green rice plant. Yes. And you've seen rice plants before. You can buy a rice plant that makes rice at home.

Not here. Not here. But it's like the most popular food on earth. Yeah. But they're not. I mean, we don't grow rice in America. No. We rice in America. No, we're in America.

Gross rice. No. So where's people growing rice? Asia. In Asia, people grow rice. That's right. And it's water plants. Yep.

And then the water. Right. And the plant grows to the tall, like tall above the water. That's right. And then where's the rice grains in that plant? I hate this segment. This is, this segment is actually fucked up.

You're as dumb as I am. You don't know the answers either. No. Wow. Well, that's why I'm asking you. I'm hoping that you can explain it to me. And I did. Yeah. Yeah.

But you don't know. You're just guessing. I'm guessing, of course. Yeah. Can we learn now? Oh, you want to actually know the truth? We have to. Yeah, I don't know. You're just guessing. I'm guessing, of course. Can we learn now? Oh, you want to actually know the truth? We have to. Yeah, I don't know the actual truth.

I have to look it up. You have to. Okay, let's take a break. We'll look it up. And then you'll have the real answers for us after these messages. Okay. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it

out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz.

With a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy.

Thank you. Squarespace. Okay. We're back. I learned everything I need to know about how rice is grown. Yeah. It sounds kind of like farmers plant their rice fields. So there are seeds.

There are seeds. Okay. And then it's a semi-aquatic plant, meaning they don't just water the field. So you were right about that. Yeah. So they flood the field. I feel like I remember this just from like a Vietnam class

in high school about the Vietnam war. Oh, interesting. Cause I remember like seeing videos about their rice patties there. Um, so then the, the fields are flooded. Interesting.

The rice plant grows to a height of, it says three feet. Wow. And then the fields are drained and the rice is plucked. Yeah. But I'm curious, not that you have to answer, but I am curious about like what that

looks like plucking rice from a plant. I've never seen that before. And rice is like the most plentiful thing on earth. You think it's like when I, I can imagine an apple tree and apples, rice is like, there's so much more. Yeah. I don't, I mean, I'm sure there are machines that pluck all of the little grains. I'd like to see a time lapse, basically. There are some videos. We could watch them. I'd like to watch a time lapse of a rice plant.

Time lapse rice. Yes. This is the crossover between the HeadGum podcast and us. Our collab. Yes, exactly. Exactly rice, I should say. Exactly rice. I was going to ask you also about how stocks work, like when they say the stock price goes down.

Oh. Yeah. That I feel like I understand more, but I also couldn't explain it. Yeah. It's a tough one for sure. Yeah. Alright, last segment. You know what time it is. It has to be our first recurring segment of the week.

Poetry or know-it-ry? I should say of the pod, really. Right. So this is week three. We're already out of ideas. We have to bring it back by popular demand, poetry or know-it-ry. But the twist is now it's time for me to guess your poem. That's correct.

You think my poem, Sadie, sucked? Wait till I hear yours. My shitty- your poem. That's correct. You think my poem, Sadie Sucked? Wait till I hear yours. My shitty ass poem. I have less of a perception for this kind of stuff. That's right. You are more likely to fool me. Did you tell me

the titles of your poems? I think you did, right? Last Leaf Before Autumn was the right one that you cried at. Yeah, that one is very good. I found a poem that I was going to read to you,

but then I started crying as I was reading it and I was like i'm not gonna cry and that was the one you wrote yeah yeah i am reading one of my favorite poems today okay um okay this poem is called shampoo you wrote it thank you for watching everyone you got it and i rate it out of 10, right? Yeah, that's right. Ocean breeze, blowing, bubbling, bonding to each tendril of hair, smelling familiar, not of salt or sand or seafood, but of the mother who drew up baths, floating little boats toward my chubby kid body, laughing as if nothing would change. I now shampoo myself, trying to forget her number in the kitchen, on top of the fridge, in the basket, under my coupon book. As the suds whisper, the smell of ocean breeze permeates each hair and hangs on like a child to her mother.

Okay, you were talking about giving your daughter a bath yesterday. This is true. So maybe this is your interpretation of that or just a happy coincidence because it does look like you were sort of affected by that. Right. But you also know that I tried really hard in my poem, so I could make myself cry. Right. You could also have done like your version of the shower slash bath poem.

Anything's possible. This next one's called conditioner. This poem is called In the Dark We Crush. Crush? Yes. Okay. Crab apples for the sound of it. Light cannot be bitter.

The backyard licks us. Blue like kindling. The fox we caught with the shoebox. Your shirt is a constellation in the tent of recovery. If you release the hand, you relax the animal. Bookshelves hold up the moon. I sweep your fur into a feeling. I put you into my memories on purpose. Moss smuggles stars into your cheeks Inside your body's future Bravery turns to pulp The flashlight pendulum

Not over yet Not done The flashlight pendulum Your face sounds like that record player Electric and spinning Let's grow old together Don't be scared of Gertrude Stein. Be brave.

Okay. Last one. Autumn's long past. So this is sort of the last leaf before winter's style seasons. Poems love seasons. Yeah. They're obsessed with the passage of time.

As I was looking, there are a lot of recurring buzzwords. Tendrils and themes. Many tendrils. Yeah. Fireflies and stuff like that. Smoke often. Yeah. A pot-bellied stove.

Leaves. Jewelry and hawk song. The Chevron parking lot in the gloaming. What question don't you know the answer to? A rabbit cage in the potting shed. Embers of your cigarette in the dark. Cigarette. That was from the fucking last leaf of autumn.

You're obsessed. Keep reading. Where did you learn such a thing? Hold on, I'm getting a call. Holy shit, it's Gertrude Stein. Street lights flicker like your eyes, like the last light of one more goose summer. Heads turned as shadows grow longer reaching reaching okay

i'm pretty sure the first one is the one that makes you cry so i'll eliminate that one you're eliminating shampoo eliminating shampoo okay so then i'm down to the one about gertrude stein mm-hmm do not be afraid about Gertrude Stein. Do not be afraid of Gertrude Stein. Let's grow old together or something. And then that last one, which is like, again, cigarettes in a parking lot, Chevron, very like Americana. Right.

The second one was pretty long for you to write. It like took you a minute to read it. I don't even remember what it was about. What was that one called? That one was called In the Dark We Crush. Which sounds like a title you'd come up with. And then what was the last one called? Last?

No. Autumn's Past. Yes. Okay. A Tale from Autumn's Past. Autumn's Long Past. Yeah. I think if I had to guess, you wrote the third one because the second one was kind of long and involved.

And the third one had cigarette and parking lot and gas stations involved which i know you liked from two weeks ago so you don't think i wrote shampoo i do not think you wrote shampoo you're correct you did not write shampoo i did not write shampoo shampoo is the one you love no i just discovered it yesterday okay and i do love it and it did kind of make me cry as I read it. Because it sort of has, evokes the generations of you getting bathed and then you giving a bath.

In the Dark We Crush, one of my favorite poems. I wrote it. But I was able to appreciate it. And I wrote all this long text. So I guess correctly. You did. So the second poem is one you love.

Yeah. About the passage of time, growing older together or something. Yeah, it's kind of like nostalgia. Yeah. And now let's read. Which I thought the third one was about too, but I guess not. Let's read your poem quite again. And I will be discussing and dissecting it at length, Sadie style.

What was it, a fucking Chevron? It took place in a fucking parking lot? I tried to use a gas station that you would think I wouldn't use. Hess, on a road in Wisconsin. Read me the cigarette line, because you did steal it. I honestly think it's plagiarism. I feel like what you did was illegal. It's funny because I did steal a cigarette, but not from that poem.

It was from a different one that I was reading when I was trying to. But that one also had cigarette in a parking lot like the cancer. Yeah, it was cigarette in the car, the cornfields. Embers of your cigarette in the dark. So what I tried to go for was. And it's called The Last Leaf of Autumn? Autumn's Long Past. Yeah.

Seasons. Yes. Actually, autumn's from when I was in high school. That was what Autumn's long past. Yeah. Seasons. Yes. Actually, autumn's from when I was in high school. That was what I was pulling from. Okay. Some of it was random, but then some of it was I tried to make personal. So I think that's where I maybe got tripped up. Let's start from the top, actually.

Jewelweed and Hawksong. Jewelweed? Jewelweed. That's my sister's nickname. Okay. Okay. Hawksong is? We just? Jewelweed. That's my sister's nickname. Okay. Okay. Hawksong is... We just like hawks.

Got it. So kind of just like me and my sister are hanging out. You're setting the stage. Setting the stage. Chevron parking lot in the gloaming. I just like just seeing a distanced gas station that's still lit while everything else is dark. You know, like a ghostly gas station. A nice light.

Yeah. Oil on campus. But before it's dark. Goose sunset. What is that? Goose summer is something I found out yesterday from Emily, which is kind of when the summer lasts until the fall. Goose.

Yeah. They call it a goose summer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. Kind of just thinking about autumn, but like that one more warm exactly yeah it's 81 degrees in october 80 in october i could have called it 80 in october right that's too much

similar to right now that would have been nice though yeah um anything else you have oh i had so i had the line a rabbit cage in the potting shed before i had the wood stove in the potting shed but you're like what would you do obvious yeah i was like wood stove in the potting shed. But you're like, this is too obvious. Yeah, I was like, wood stove? He's going to call my ass out. So I came up with a really random thing. Which is? Rabbit cage. Yeah.

But no. Unrelated to anything. Because really what tipped it was the cigarettes. What was the line, cigarette line? Embers of your cigarette in the dark. Embers of your cigarette in the dark. Yeah, that feels like kind of just like a generic poem it was it was this was actually the this is probably the one line from the first pass that

lasted and then how does it end um heads turned as shadows grow longer reaching reaching that's death coming for everybody yeah that's pretty good i like the idea of shadows grow longer. Reaching. Reaching. That's death coming for everybody. Yeah, that's pretty good. I like the idea of shadows growing longer as the sun is setting. Yeah. Have you ever written a poem? Because you really like poetry. Have you ever taken a stab at it yourself? I've written beyond that. Yes, one poem. Not just that. Yeah, yeah. I wrote a real poem.

What are you calling this one? That's horse shit. You fucking called it out. I forwarded that out. It only took me like eight hours yesterday. I painted it. Emma, did you like that you're a poetry appreciator? What were your thoughts when he was reading it? Were you thinking critically?

I didn't know which one was yours, to be fair. Wow. Yeah. That's awesome. High compliment. Did you like that first one? It was fine. Shampoo didn't speak to you?

It was okay. Yeah. More of a two-in-one conditioner kind of guy. That was incredible. Way and below, Sadie versus Autumnal Leaf in a parking lot. Well, Autumn's long past. Autumn's long past. Autumn's long past. I should have known.

I should have known with more conviction. Yeah. I mean, the segment is gold. Right. One of us has to get the other. Yeah. I think you were a little more certain because you got a keen eye towards real poems versus not. For me, I'm like, these all sound vaguely in the same realm.

Yeah. I feel like the deduction for yours was like, I tipped my hand with the first one. Yeah. And then the second one was too long. Too long, yeah. For yours, I was like moved by the first one. And then the other one was a haiku. I was like, you wouldn't have done a haiku.

Not for this segment. Yeah. I feel like the shorter it is, the more easy it is to fool. Like if I came up with a haiku and read three other haikus, you wouldn't necessarily know. Definitely. But the more I talk, the more I give away. Yeah. It's like when you're examining someone and you think they're lying, you want them to keep talking. Right. Because they'll eventually trip over themselves. Yeah. Yeah. That's why for you to write that second one, I'm like, this is so long for you to like keep going on and on. Yeah. And you love that one, the Gertrude Stein one? Yeah, that's why for you to write that second one, I'm like, this is so long for you to like keep going on and on.

Yeah. And you love that one, the Gertrude Stein one? Yeah, that's a great one. That one's also about just getting older. Yeah. You release the hand, you relax the animal. Very cool. And Goose Summer.

Oh, wait, no, that was the one I wrote. Oh, that was my beautiful shit. They're all starting to blend together. Actually, write this down. Magical tapestry weaving on a loom in and out in and out it's all about cigarettes and empty parking lots poets love gardens rivers and cigarettes i maybe i'll try to write a mary oliver poem that's cool i don't know who that is really yeah she's one of the most famous poets. I feel like we learned a lot today. Okay.

Impressions. Rice. Rice. Yeah. Poems. Wavelength. What was the third one? And of course.

And of course. The first segment we did? No. The first one was Wavelength. Second one was Impressions, I thought. No. Oh, the letter A. talking about the letter a nice it's funny we for how quickly we forget you write this down she closes the textbook

it's a distinct thud she hasn't felt since 11th grade dennis quaid tip tap tip tap you don't fucking know how to write poems, man. I don't know what to tell you. It wasn't Sadie. What could be? All right. Again, thank you for listening. Thank you for watching.

Thank you for your segment suggestions. Yeah, keep them coming. And we have more of us on our Patreon, patreon.com.ja. Who knows what segments we'll leak onto there. That's true. So far, it's just us watching Jake and Amir videos. Yeah, but we could do extra segments onto there. That's true. So far, it's just us watching Jake and Amir videos. Yeah, but we could do extra segments over there. That's good.

Anything is possible slash probable. Yeah. And we'll be back, of course, next week. Goodbye, everybody. That was a Hiddem Original.