Segments - 04: New Restaurant

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

In this episode we discuss fatherhood, food, and Jake & Amir quotes. Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number.

So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it. 0-9-1-3-6-6-2. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Won't last its effort to try and stop their career from going to shit.

Segment. Another podcast. Segment. Each app different from the last. Segment. It's the Swiss Army Nightclub Show. Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts. Segment.

Yeah. This is week four, episode four of Segments. And I'm still loving the theme song. In the first episode, we called out for video editors to create a 90s theme style, growing pains homage. And have we seen that yet? We haven't seen that yield yet because it's only been a few days since that episode came out. But by the time this comes out, you never know. There's a world where people have

created works of art for us. And there's a world where segmania has caught on to the point that the populace is demanding we change the name. If we change the name, we'd have to change the theme? Yeah.

It would be a list of mania. Because he says segments over and over again. Another podcast. Yeah. Segments. But he wouldn't be able to say that. Segmania. Yeah.

Yeah. No, not even at all. Because the whole entire vibe would be different. Is that good? It would be, I don't know. I don't know. But that's not your problem. It's not your cross to bear.

Sigmania. Yeah. Sigmania. Well, you know the song Listomania. Oh, yeah. Sigmania. Yeah. Sigmania.

Yeah, it would just be that. Yeah. It's fine. Who sings that song? That would have to be. It's fine. Who sings that song? That would have to be... It's called Listomania, right? I think so. Which almost is another good name for the podcast.

Right. Yeah. Because we all just talk about lists and shit. Who is... It's not like Modest Mouse, but it's something adjacent. Yes. It's like that. And then Nicole, do you know Listomania?

Phoenix? Phoenix. Yes. That makes sense, actually. It's like that. Evan, Nicole, do you know Listomania? Phoenix? Phoenix. Yes. That makes sense, actually. It's a great song. Okay. But for right now, you're still listening to segments. So appreciate that.

Yeah. Namaste. Namaste. Thank you. Thank you. We sort of settled on a cadence of five segments per show, but it could be less. It could be more. Right.

That's true. That is true. For example, our first segment today we don't know if it can last two minutes or 45. yeah because this is actually a suggestion from one of our instagram yeah viewers named has to be daniel uh no no it was nick domiel wow did you remember that uh yeah clearly well not not not perfectly because i said daniel but i think it was because domiel was the last name domier 42 um it says uh you guys should invent a restaurant from scratch yeah uh okay so let's blue sky restaurants happen all the time some of them are thai and some of

them are not yeah some of them are american some of them are greek. Some of them are Thai and some of them are not. Yeah, some of them are American. Some of them are Greek. Yeah, some of them are juice bars. Some of them are cafes. Some of them are lunch spots. Some of them are taco trucks. Yes, and they're all different themes and styles because if you want something to eat,

you'll usually go to that place. And you'll have a craving. You'll say, I want pizza. Exactly. And then you find one that's nearby. Yes, or you'll have like a soup or a salad. The restaurant game is actually more about space. It's actually about the size slash shape of the container than anything else.

It's more about the to-go. It's how you integrate with seamless Grubhub, Postmates, Uber Eats. I'm not close to done. I am not close to done. Postmates, Uber Eats. I'm not close to done. I am not close to done. Postmates, Uber Eats, Grubhub, Seamless. I'm struggling to think of other ones. But I think there were... You interrupted my train of thought.

And there's Getter, I think. Can we start at least from the top? Yeah. First thing you have to answer. Right. Is? Do you want sauce mixed in or on the side? Right.

Well, that's, are we talking salad? Because I'm also down to do a sushi. Interesting. Because that's easy. You don't have to cook anything. We wouldn't need to, because as I said, it is about space. Yeah. And how would we like to not even have a kitchen?

That's cool. It's more about space. Yeah. And how would we like to not even have a kitchen? That's cool. It's more about cold storage. What are your thoughts on hole in the walls versus expansive open concept warehouse style seating with plenty of space? I don't want a lot of overhead. I don't want a lot of overhead. I don't want a lot of overhead at all. Do you like reservations or do you like showing up, put your naming down and then put your little drink at the bar? Reservations, you can sit at the bar for a bar come as first come first serve. Full menu at the bar or do we have tapas slash appet drink at the bar. Reservations, you can sit at the bar. Bar come is first come first served. Full menu at the bar?

Do we have tapas slash appetizers at the bar? And how about the liquor license of it all? How about the liquor license? We don't have that yet, but we have beer and wine. Do we still have wine and beer? You can have that at the bar. Is there a corkage fee? Is there a corkage fee?

You can sit at a two-top. Emma, where are you going? He's doing what he's doing. See those tables? is there a corkage fee you could sit at a emma where are you going see those table what are the two tops three tops you can sit there and have a full sometimes there's like weird rules like oh you can sit at the two tops and order from the full menu but if you're at the bar you ask that you're not i think they just have to be yeah there has to be rules we have to be a restaurant of law and order. Yes, we are the law and order restaurant. That's exactly right. I'm down

to call it something like... Well, let's choose the cuisine. Obviously, that's the first. That's the biggest one. Are you looking to fill a hole in your neighborhood? Fig and ladle. What do you think about that? We have fruit soup.

Okay. And a sash. Hold on. Charcoal. Knuckle and core. Charcoal and spleen. Well, we have to think of the cuisine and then back into the nouns. Okay, fine.

Well, what's something that's missing? A mouche bouche. It could just be a mouche bouche. I'm saying, is there something you like having near you that's not near you? Williamsburg is sort of flush with every kind of restaurant. Is there like something that's missing? Something that's missing. I will say.

It also doesn't have to be New York. Yeah. The acai. We had an acai lunch and it was subpar. Yeah. It was terrible yeah so i think the sometimes like the fresh stuff yeah that that that i got used to really liking in la doesn't translate over here not as much i wonder what the reasoning there we're far away from all the produce that's all

grown in california that's the difference you're saying backyard bowls can't exist in new york because of the produce i don't know it seems like the way they make it is the big deal, but I don't understand. Maybe it's the volume. Maybe like the juice press or whatever, juice kitchen or whatever we went to on like Broadway. They're doing so much more volume. It's the Uber eatsification of restaurant. There's too many people to serve. So we don't even have to open our restaurant in LA or New York. We can choose a sort of medium city. Cleveland or Ann Arbor. Yeah.

Denver. Yeah. I don't hate, like, Dallas. Dallas, yeah. Dallas would be interesting. Sacramento, actually. I was just in Sacramento. It's a great city.

So you got, like, a nice downtown, a walkable downtown. Oh, yeah. Historic downtown. Pass by a restaurant that we opened up. And what is it? Is it a burger? I do like burgers.

What's something that both of us like? We both like grilled stuff. We like stuff on a grill. Yeah. So we could do like. Well, we like like fancy versions of fast food. Okay. Yeah.

So it's like, oh, wow a burger but it's 23 but it's really nice yeah okay what about what if it's a huge grill okay it's kind of like it's hibachi except instead of hibachi it's barbecue barbicabachi barbicabochia yeah we have barbacoa or hibachi so it is like it's a hibachi chef, but instead of grilling. It's a Benihana style restaurant. Yes, exactly. Instead of onions just throwing chicken at you. Exactly right. So it's like Benihana meats.

Yeah. And you're allowed to choose two meats and two sides. So you can have sausage and beef. You can have a chicken kebab and a grilled salmon. And then the sides, you can get mashed potatoes and french fries. Double the starch, double the fun. Mac and cheese in a trough, in a bowl. And it's reservation only?

No, it's sort of, you don't know what a mousse bouche means, but you sort of walk in and you don't have to make a res. You can just say, oh, do you have a table for whatever? Is is it open for breakfast do they have coffee so i wouldn't think so yeah this is more of a 5 p.m to 11 p.m i think mostly being a brewery is where we are gonna i don't care or know anything about beer yeah so i don't want to have to pizza pizza's fun but it doesn't really grill that on the grill you could do like a pizza it's called pizza mac and cheese which is a cool side oh what's that oh it's tomato sauce cheese and pepperoni on macaroni

okay so it's flint and poultry poultry what's the flint that's how you light the grill what about if it's gas and swine cock yeah gas and swine? Cock.

Yeah. Cock and swine is actually pretty cool. So it has chicken or pig. Yeah. Cock and swine. Cock and swine. Yeah. Yeah.

So you go there, you can sit down at a grill. Right. It's a big grill for the entire restaurant, a giant rectangle. Right. And you order your meats and he's sort of, there's a grill master or a cock and swinologist or whatever. Right, exactly, exactly. And you sit down and you say, I'll have water and cock and swine as a side of mash and hash

and sweet potato flasks. That's, honestly, it's not bad. Yes. And it's in Denver or Dallas or something like that. Should we have a cocktail menu? I'm wondering because I really don't really, really like beer at all. So I'm wondering if we could do like-

So cocktail menu, Midnight in Marrakesh. What's that? That's the name of my fucking cocktail. Midnight in Marrakesh. Yes. And it's gin, bitters, a huge cube, lemon peel. A tajina raisin at the bottom. And did I say the bitters are from Angostura?

Where is that? Near Morocco, maybe. Maybe, but you don't know. It's Midnight in Marrakesh. Yes, as a cocktail. As a cocktail. They should be on tap slash draft. So you can just, you know,

that's like, oh, can I get an old fashioned and it comes out of a fucking. No, no, no, no, no. It has to be. It's no, it's all mixologist because that's what it's going to take to make midnight in marrakesh it's already forget the title of the restaurant midnight in marrakesh no that's the title of the drink cock and swine so cock and swine cock because it's chicken but

there's also cocktail grandfather's watch yeah that's the name of the what that's the name of the what? That's the name of the whiskey drink. Okay, what is that? It is gin. You only have gin on the brain and in the restaurant. And it's whiskey gin. Yes. Whiskey ginger, ginger whiskey. And they smoke it. It's a smoked sort of whiskey ginger ale. Yeah.

Smoked whiskey ginger ale. And it pairs well with the cock. Yeah. Can I get a cock and a cock? That's a cocktail and a chicken burrito. How about glory holes in the bathroom? Okay. Segment two is a quiz of sorts.

Yes. A parent quiz, actually. That's correct. You've been a father for how many months now? Almost six. Okay, almost six. And at first you were new at this. You didn't really know.

Did you feel overwhelmed out of your depth a little bit? I felt like we had a lot of help, and I had read read one book and Jill had read 30 or 40 so between the two of you you're 31 books deep and you yeah I felt like I had I had some good instincts and then Jill knew everything so so yeah it all worked out in the end yeah so or so far so good now you're six months deep do you know infinitely more or you see like you're mostly at the same but more comfortable? The thing is it all changes so fast. So now I know everything I could have about having an infant or a newborn.

But I have an infant now. So like now I don't really understand what I'm doing. You're basically two weeks behind. You're constantly playing catch up. And then as soon as you learn everything, two weeks of a more advanced baby is like a whole new ballgame. Changes everything. Yeah. And here's a question just in general for you.

Not necessarily your new father IQ, but let's say day one through three, the baby was 100% of your brain. Always thinking about baby, baby, baby, baby. What percent do you think you're at now six months in? Interesting. I guess I have compartmentalized the two different parts of my day. If I'm in my house, it's still kind of 100% baby. Always baby. You're never just like eating salmon at home with your dog. Oh, I forgot about baby. No, don't worry't forget if she's nearby i don't forget about the baby thinking but like you know i got to work today and i probably have thought of the baby you know maybe a handful of times so mostly like zero percent at the office but not zero but like

10 percent yeah then at home 10 to 15 percent 100 at I think. Okay, that seems healthy. Maybe. But as for your new father, AQ, let me ask you this. Yeah. This is from babycenter.com. Okay, so these are all things that I should know the answer to. Correct. How long should you let your newborn cry before responding? Okay.

This seems subjective, but maybe there is a industry standard. Yeah. Pick them up right away instead of letting them cry. Okay. Five to 10 minutes, 10 to 15, or until they stop. This is interesting because I feel like as they get older, it's the five minute.

But I also wouldn't, I didn't like, I think when she was a newborn, it was pretty much right away. But it wasn't like, I didn't treat crying like it was an emergency, but it was like something. They want something. Yeah, something had to be addressed. So you didn't ignore the baby. Yeah.

But now I think, now she's at the stage where she cries just because she's bored and she wants our attention. So, you know, you don't necessarily, nothing is an emergency. And there are different sounds to the cries too. So depending on the cry. Yeah. I know what her bored cry sounds like and I'll attend to it. But this does say newborn. Okay. So I'll say right away.

Pick them up right away. Because that is definitely what I did. Okay. Should we do answers by answers or should we? Yeah, let's go answer by answer. When a newborn cries, the best thing to do is tune in and respond immediately. Great. Nailed it.

Love it. How many times does the average newborn eat? Three meals a day. Every four hours. Eight to ten times. Or every hour on the hour. I think it's eight to ten times or every hour on the hour? I think it's eight to ten times. I believe she was eating every two hours, which is why people say, like, the newborn is the most sleep deprivation.

Because every two hours you have to be awake and feeding and then cleaning that up on a two-hour cycle. Because it's not like every two hours the baby needs to eat and then it's over. The baby eats and then the baby needs to be changed, put back down, wrapped up. Yeah. So there's 20 minutes associated with the eating. And then you put them down. It's like, all right, well, she's going to be up in an hour. Yeah.

So yeah, I'll say eight to 10 times. The average newborn eats eight to 10 times or every two to three hours. Yeah. So yeah, I'll say eight to 10 times. The average newborn eats eight to 10 times or every two to three hours. Yes. Some babies will eat more and others less. Whether your baby is breastfed or formula fed, be ready to serve around the clock. That's true. And that's one of the great luxuries of being able to afford somebody else to do that. So you're not waking up every two hours. That's right. Not everybody can afford to do that because it's expensive to pay someone to feed your baby every two hours. My baby did me a real solid by never taking to the bottle.

Because if she liked the bottle, Jill could have pumped and we could have split the nighttime duty. I see. But she wouldn't drink from the bottle. She only wanted Jill. And there's no rhyme or reason. You flip a coin and she wouldn't drink from the bottle. She only wanted Jill. And there's no rhyme or reason. You flip a coin and the baby's like, no, no bottle. And still, is that the case? Still the case. Six months in, not being fed every two hours though anymore. No, now she eats much

more, you know, regular, maybe like four or five times a day. Okay. But still in the middle of the night feeding? No, no more night feeding. You can go through the night without any food. Okay. But still in the middle of the night? Every four or five hours? No. No more night feeding. You can go through the night without any food. Yeah. She sleeps from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. Got it. On a good one. And then when do they no longer need the milk at all? They go straight to food all the time. I think around five to six months, they can start eating solid. Some people do that earlier. And Gemma eats solids sometimes, but still primarily breast milk. So she can do Jilla solid by eating solids. Yeah.

Yeah. She could. But she won't. Yeah. They both love it. What's the standard advice on how long after childbirth you should wait until you and your partner can have sex again? One's easy. Never.

Just say we're never allowed to. That's not one of the options. Unfortunately, we got one week, six weeks, three months, or six months. I believe it is six weeks. That's correct. Some women will be ready before others, but generally speaking, after a vaginal delivery, your partner's doctor or midwife will advise that they wait six weeks before having sex again to give her body enough time to rest and heal. Yeah. Don't really think about that because you're so consumed with the baby, but I guess there is an industry standard six weeks. Yeah. And, and when you go through the whole process, it is not, not the sex, but the toll that it takes on someone's body is very front and center.

It's a big surgery. Yeah. yeah. It's a massive undertaking. Yeah. Even like a C-section is like basically slicing open. It's like this very basic surgery. A C-section is like, it's crazier than childbirth. I think the recovery time is longer.

Yeah. You're dealing with scars and stitches. Yeah, insane. What's the number one never leave at home without it item you should bring for an afternoon at the park with your six-month-old? Frisbee. Huh?

Oh, with who? The baby. I thought it was Dingo. No, no. That's my dog. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess. Your cell phone, a burp cloth, a video camera, a diaper, or sand toys uh let's say diaper though you may very well want the other items you can't go far without a fresh diaper that's true and wipes that is where's

the weirdest most public place you've had to change jemma's dipe dipe um weirdest i mean we've done plenty of like on in the trunk of the car just like open side of the road i think the hardest one was on the flight to la you gotta do it in that bathroom she shit twice and the issue is not the change it like that bathroom so small they put down the thing um you know the changing table goes over the toilet. You can't really bend over because the ceiling is so low. So I had to just kneel down on the floor. Yeah, like you're puking in the airplane toilet.

Yeah. And she pooped. Sometimes you have the poop, like, because it's wet, it kind of sprays out the back of the diaper. Up and out. Yeah. Up the spine. Right. And it goes all over the ones of the diaper. Up and out. And it goes, yeah. Up the spine. Right. And it goes all over the onesie.

Yeah. So then I'm in the airport bathroom. Yeah, the airplane bathroom. The lavatory. The lavatory. Turbulence a little bit. Yeah. She's like kind of screaming.

There's shit all over her onesie, all over the diaper. I don't have a change of clothes in there. And then I open the door after dealing with everything and jill is just standing there like with all of the flight attendants and jemma's wearing no clothes and just a diaper yeah and i was like is everything okay jill's standing there with the flight attendants because she's waiting to see how it went or she's like hey all the flight attendants i might need to break this door down and help yeah she she had come over with another onesie yeah and i guess they were all laughing at me so you did forget to say that part yeah um okay you did nail that one so far though a diaper

great and when you're doing that in the lavatory you're like jesus christ this is intense are you just like no this is fine like this is yeah diapers are nothing you're used to it at this point yeah i can be covered in shit and everything is fine completely desensitized to it when can you start reading to your baby right away uh-huh four to six months uh-huh when they can sit up on their own or at least one year old right away yeah start now it's never too early to read to your child that's what they say yeah and jemma now at five five months she can uh read good night moon it's incredible cover to cover no issue just cover to cover it and shit yeah too right papa read me good night moon again she's fully literate you can't walk yet she's a genius i'm trying to find one that's hard yeah all these ones are see you think you knew the answer yet she's a genius i'm trying to find one that's hard yeah all these ones

are see you think you knew the answer to any of these uh i guess you should be answering too yeah i mean i i have the answers in front uh yeah i knew the feeding time was like every two hours i assume diapers are important reading soon yeah unusual yeah uh what do graco, Peg Perego, and McLaren have in common? Let's go not even. Multiple choice here. I mean, I have no idea. They build sturdy strollers. No.

Never heard of them? No. And I did a lot of stroller research. That seems to be an ad. We can talk Nuna, Up-A-Baby, The Duna. Yeah. But never heard of Graco, Peg Perego, or McLaren. No.

I guess McLaren, I have seen a McLaren stroller. Okay. Here's one that's interesting. Yeah. Which one of these should you use to clean your baby's umbilical cord? Okay. Do you ever do that? Do they have like a little excess cord early on?

Yeah. Yeah, but we didn't clean it. We didn't touch it. You didn't touch it. That's the thing that like turns black and falls off. Yeah. Okay. Rubbing alcohol, nothing. Soap and water or baby shampoo. Sounds like nothing. Yeah. Doctors used to recommend cleaning with alcohol, but now they just say, leave the stump alone. Yeah. I think that was the hardest, for me, that was the hardest part of having a baby seeing the black nub just being afraid of it constantly because i hurt now i can change her diaper and she's she's so robust and she's kicking and i'm like put and i'm pulling the diaper on she's not fragile and but before she was so tiny and the diaper the diapers were so much bigger than her like you know you're folding them over you could basically fold a diaper over and cover more than half of her body yeah uh and

everything you needed to fold the top over so it didn't irritate the little cord just everything felt so fragile and scary and now she's a little more uh sturdy yeah now i know that i couldn't uh break her by accident were you there when the stump fell off? What is that? Um, yeah, it, I was, I think I was, I actually might not have been like there.

I think Jill texted me. I think it was like walking the dog or something. It fell off. Uh, yeah, yeah, it fell, it fell,

it falls off like a loose tooth. Yeah. They basically just, they clamp it. So it like scabs over and then the scab part falls off. And then the belly, then the other part forms your belly button. Interesting. Yeah.

Okay. What's the safest position for a baby to sleep in? Okay. Not going to give you options this time. On its back. That's correct. Research has found that putting babies who sleep on their back significantly reduces the risk of sudden infant death syndrome. Yes.

Is that a big one for you guys or is that something you don't even talk or address? You definitely are petrified of it because it's just this random thing that happens. Yeah. You can do everything right it's awful yeah just like constantly 10 thinking about are they breathing yeah that like all the time the first time i put her in a baby carrier i was like oh this is so cute this is so cute walking down the street then i had to stop feel her breathing great great okay this is so cute every time she was asleep yeah just be like, this is really cute. She's breathing, right?

She's breathing. Right. And it's, I think like one of the things that like they say contributes a little bit more like that kids that died of SIDS had some like soft stuff in the crib. They flip over onto their stomach and basically like don't breathe because it's harder for them. So we're constantly aware of like, I remember when we were decorating the baby's room,

I was like trying to find like bumpers for the crib because I thought that you're supposed to have them. But apparently like that was a big thing when we were kids and now no cribs, like I couldn't find them anywhere. I was like, why doesn't Pottery Barn sell any bumpers? So they want like an empty, bare and flat crib. crib her it looks like a prison cell her crib it is it's a it's a flat sheet nothing else nothing in there but she just learned how to flip over onto her stomach while she's sleeping yeah which is horrifying because i'll look at the baby monitor and she's just like

planking on her like no jemma no what are you doing because she can flip over and she's just like planking on her. Like, no! Gemma, no! What are you doing? Because she can flip over and she can't flip back. So she like, you just watch it and go boink and then she's stuck in that position. Yeah. Like a fucking beetle.

And then you got to go in there and flip her back? Sometimes. Or sometimes you just let her sleep. And this is the thing that we're dealing with now. We're like, she will be sleeping and then kind of toss and turn, then roll onto her stomach.

She can't flip back. And then she starts crying. So we're like, should we go in and flip her back? And there's like two schools of thought. And it's like, don't go flip her back because she needs to learn how to sleep on her stomach. And then also now we're at the point where like, she can flip on her stomach so easily and we've been going in every time, that the doctor is saying she knows what she's doing. She's like doing that to get you to come in.

Like- Do you think they're that smart at that age? Well, they just are doing anything to get you to come in and pick them up, which is what they want. That's what the doctor is saying. Interesting. So she's shrieking like there's a wasp in her diaper or something because she just wants us to come in.

Like she knows that if she reaches a certain octave, we freak out. Sleep training. Yeah, that's what we're doing now. When does the teething thing happen where it's like, oh, she's crying because it hurts because her teeth are coming out? I think around now, like six months. Yeah. But every kid is different too. Somebody once told me that babies were born with all their teeth.

Their kid teeth and their adult teeth are in their skull. That's crazy. But I guess that makes sense. Yeah. They don't grow them. They just like have them and then they grow in. They grow up. Yeah.

Weird. The rest of the stuff seems pretty subjective slash kind of offensive. Like what should you bring your wife when she breastfeeds? And what does baby blues refer to? Postpartum depression. Yeah. Stuff like that. Okay, great.

I fucking kicked ass. Yeah. You're sort of a hundred out of a hundred. That's awesome. Dad. Wow. Should you tell Jill or does she sort of know already? If you can get in touch with her,

I would love for her to know. You haven't seen her in a bit? She hasn't. Yeah. Well, she moved. With the baby. With the baby. With the baby, yeah. But I have the dog.

And the restaurant. That's why I do the Frisbee thing. I do have the restaurant and the dog. As soon as we launch. Cock and swine, I think is actually going to win her back. Because ladies drink free before four. Yeah. We'll make amends over a midnight in Marrakesh.

And can I get a sausage with pizza, mac, and cheese? I own this place. After all. A shrimp hits your eye. Ah. Burning hot. All right. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell,

easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday.

So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.com oh vision lifters yeah vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. All right, we're back. Jake, what's segment three?

This is the newly friends game. Interesting. So it's kind of like newlyweds. I found these questions for friends. Yeah. I answered five for you. You answered five for me. Okay.

And then we're going to try to guess what each other said. said all right you start so I can sort of follow your lead okay what fictional character best represents me now remember I answered what I think about you so I would say what fictional character best represents me and then we're gonna see if you guessed my answer correctly so i would say the fictional character that best represents me is probably a cartoon rather than like the guy from catcher in the rye or some shit holding caulfield yeah that's who I put shit a fictional character who's sort of a dickling weasel troll man with a heart of coal

slash gold Bart Simpson very close Milhouse I do like Milhouse a lot I used to have glasses that's close Bart's best friend millhouse right do you want to go with one of your questions you want me to go all all five of mine um yeah let's do all five years okay because it's hard for me to wrap my head around who's answering what what is your

favorite thing about my personality so i answered my favorite thing about your personality? You like that I don't get overwhelmed or stressed or angry or anxious at people. I do like that you're level-headed, but actually my favorite thing about your personality, you are sensitive deep down. That's not true, but thank you. I know you are. But what am I? Not only do you know that I am, it's your favorite thing about me. Your favorite thing is that I'm sensitive so deep down that it's never even asked. Which means I don't get flustered or stressed out very easily. So we sort of have the same answer.

That's right. So you're right on one. If we swapped lives for a day, what would you look forward to the most and the least? You thought I would say, I would, I think I answered this one as if I, what would I look forward to?

What would Jake look forward to? If you swap lives, if we swap lives, what do you think I would look forward to? I guess surfing in LA. Close. I wrote hooking up with Avi Tall

how is that close to surfing I just didn't want to make a big deal of it slash meal of it what would I not look forward to I guess her finding out that it was actually you all along and that some sort of fucked up

cheating went down close i wrote your tiny dick what is the best meal i've ever made for you oh probably a grilled cheese i answered the best meal i answered the best meal that you ever made for me what do you think i said that the best meal i ever made for you yeah have i Have I ever cooked for you? Maybe my mom has. Is it my mom's cooking? Leftovers that my mom made us, and then I heated it for you at night. Actually, you made me steak. Do you remember your old apartment?

I believe there's a video of it on your Instagram, or maybe my Instagram. My old apartment? I made you steak? Yeah. Which apartment? 34 Berry. Wow. I had no idea. You don't remember? It's one of my fondest memories. Well, I'm you steak? Yeah. Which apartment? 34 Berry. Wow, I had no idea.

You don't remember? It's one of my fondest memories. Well, I'm so fucking sensitive deep down, I think I repressed the whole thing. When can I tell that you're stressed? When do you think I can tell that you're stressed? When can Jake tell that Amir is stressed? Yeah. When he doesn't make jokes.

Interesting. I said I basically can't. Oh. Oh. Interesting. I said I basically can't. Oh. Yeah. I don't really get stressed that often. At the wedding I was very overwhelmed and I just went like this a lot. Oh yeah, that's true. So like a deep guttural groan.

You'll make a noise. Yes, I will make a noise. And I actually don't have a small penis that was obviously ingest. Yeah, just kidding. Piece of shit. Yeah. Sorry about that.

My question's for you. Out of the words clean, cluttered, and hoarder status, which I think best describes my house, Jake would say clean. My house? Yes. I guess that's true. Clean. You guess that's true?

I think that right now. You're militant about it being spotless all the time. Which is why I think my house is cluttered right now. Because a single blender was left out four hours ago. I'm aware that if anybody else came into my house, they would be like, wow, this is so clean. Yes. Actually, before Gemma was born, I like got, I was obsessed with finding like an organizer. I literally wanted to pay someone to come and like organize our closets. Yeah. And we had like a consultant

come over and she was like, your house is really clean. No, it's not. I have six shirts. I should really only have five, right? Okay. Yeah. So, but if you opened my closet, I would be like, oh, I have to bring this to the basement. It's like, yeah, we have like a spring jacket in here, but that's going to go down into a bin. Yeah. It's very clean. Yeah.

It's clean. Okay. Watching at home. Although has the baby changed things? Cause that's one of the things people say about babies. Like you have kids in your living room. It's just like, there's toys and blocks and blankets and shit everywhere. Yeah.

Like, uh, I really do not right now. Uh, there is a lot of baby stuff but it's all we keep it pretty contained i think when jemma starts wanting toys it'll be really hard like walking around right now she's indifferent to everything that we have yeah uh so it's kind of easy for me to be like oh we don't need this we can keep this put away it's like she's she wants it she like just wants to hold a bag that I'm holding. All right. But soon she'll have mobiles and blocks and puzzles and all this stuff. When she starts pointing at things and asks for them, I'm fucked.

Yeah. Then I'll have a lot of stuff, I bet. What does Jake think Amir's worst quality is? So what do I think you think my worst quality is? You're detached, hard. You won't get, I guess it's like the same thing as your best quality. You're so rational to the point where I sometimes feel like I'm being gaslit.

I see. I cannot be vulnerable or serious. That's true. That's true too. Sort of wrapped up in the same thing. Yeah, yeah. You're emotionally distant That's true too. Sort of wrapped up in the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. You're emotionally distant.

What am I most terrified of? Jake, what would you say you're the most terrified of? I think I know the answer. Okay. What would you say? Oh, uh,

bugs, water bugs, cockroaches. Oh yeah. I went with a much more serious. My parents getting older. Yeah. Losing.

For sure. That's the real answer. But bugs is for sure. Number two. Right. Definitely afraid of anything happening to my parents getting older yeah losing yeah for sure that's the real answer but bugs is for sure number two right definitely afraid of anything happening to my parents but also if i saw a beetle my mom forget it uh if it took me days to respond to a text what would most likely be the reason you're answering yourself and i'm trying to guess um it would either be uh oh i guess there's a couple answer um busy with the baby um traveling in australia for no reason or traveler's diarrhea traveler's diarrhea um you have traveler's constipation yeah you'll travel somewhere and you just haven't taken a shit in days no there's no way you're looking at your phone i would look at my phone if i didn't

if i wasn't shitting what am i doing yeah um that's true okay so let's go ahead and say um oh what would you think that I would say? Recording a lot of NAD pod. That's pretty good. I said you're trying to look at your phone less. That's true. I'm actually, I feel like I'm, the other day I was like,

I think I'm addicted to my phone right now. Again. Yeah, so maybe I do need to look at it less. What is your favorite memory that we share? What would I say that you think is your favorite memory we share? You and I share you it's definitely not the steak thing because as we said i don't have my collection um favorite memory that we share maybe the road trip oh that's good i did something similar australia tour with streeter yeah that was good any time we go somewhere together yeah that's more memorable yeah our first time in in London, do you remember that?

Rather than do one show for 1,000 people, we did 10 shows for 100 people back to back. Yeah, that was poorly conceived. That was a bad idea. But you had a scooter. That wasn't really a highlight of your life. Right. Yeah, that was actually a low light. You had to walk it up a hostel to the sixth floor or something.

I was broken. I had broke my heel. Yeah. Your heel sixth floor or something i was broken i had broke yeah yeah your heel yep the heel was broken and your spirit too yeah i don't know if we got any of those correctly also although i did say your house was clean but you said it was cluttered yeah i think it's i admit that it's clean i think you're i think you're right about that thank you yeah i think we don't know each other at all. The thing is we know each other too well. More than I know myself.

Yeah, I think so. Like the fact that I'm sensitive deep down is something you know that I don't even, I'm not even willing to believe. You don't even believe it. No. Yeah. And again, the tiny dick thing was a joke. I mean, pull it out. Let's see it. Star Wars.

All right, we're back back i pulled out my dick it was average to slightly above average yeah uh right and it's cold in here so slightly above it's huge thanks man uh segment four let's play jake and amir trivia

that's right okay so i collected uh a bunch of jake and amir quotes okay um basically all from a jake and amir quotes twitter um and these are i believe all lines that you say and you're gonna fill in the blank okay these are fill in the blank jake and amir quote trivia perfect score on this is 11 because there are 10 with a bonus oh okay i think i'm i'm gunning for six okay speaking of six when i was six i had a wish to blank when i was six i had a wish to i had a wish that blank uh i have no idea i don't even know what episode this is from really yeah the line is when i was six i had a wish too i had a wish that everybody i knew would be dead how's

that for a wish uh really bad i guess i believe that's from your uh 30th birthday episode that sounds more familiar to me now okay that was a good warm-up but i'm ready i'm ready to dominate now yeah this one's actually kind of hard oh and should i say feel free to play at home yeah play at home play at home let us know your score yeah math ha math was crap if you want to know why then steal a hen i was gonna say that line but you said it all yeah there's two more lines math was crap and emma if you know the answer please just chime in as well yeah as a jake and amir historian i'm sure if you want to know why then steal a hen uh if you want to know why this deal learning shit, it's for nerds and jocks. Don't believe me. Ask my uncle.

That is correct. Yes. Really hard to remember because it makes no sense. Nor does it rhyme on purpose. Yeah. All right. It's a poster of a clock, right? But instead of the hour marks, it's little beers.

Except it's six. Except it's six that it's a beer 30 or something it's close 30 past beer it's very close except at six o'clock it's little ears because listen up it's beer 30 and i'm thirsty nonsense yeah i remember that one out of three so far i've never had a normal conversation with a normal person in my entire life uh i know that it's written on a shirt yeah um how's that for a shirt i'm a loser that's it that's it nothing about the shirt right okay one for four i'm a modern day robin hood i steal from the bitch and give to the whore. That's correct.

Yes. Two out of five. This one's really hard. Anybody want a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich? I tried to finish it, but could nay get her done. Something, something, something. Like I tried, tried, tried, but failed or something like that. I'm full as a kite and I just might

stop to eat you out I needed a little help Gangnam style you then say no arm warmer no tank a lack of zero compression pants that is correct yeah some of these stuck with me

and some of them don't sound familiar at all dear mrs bines oh i believe this is actually my line dear mrs bines today is the first day of the rest of your wife i have admired you from afar scratch that i have aladdin to you from jafar that's correct and then this is your bonus there's another one a line after that yeah uh i have aladdin to you from jaffa i'll give you the first part of it i would love to take you out to a meal of sushi my treat uh if i can have a seat on your face or something like that that's it yeah my treat if you will treat meat to a seat on your face. Love, James.

The worst email you could ever send. And it bounced back. It's from Mailer Damon, which means she's with Matt Damon. Yeah, that's a quotable episode. Why don't you dump your iPhone boyfriend? And get with this mandroid. That's correct. Which is you at a bar yeah me at a

yeah in line to get in the club yes dump your iPhone boyfriend and get with this mandroid I believe I end up

pickling my dumping my phone in a jar of pickles oh no that's inside that's a different episode inside a jar of bar inside a bar I dump my iPhone

in a jar of pickles to get a kiss on the cheek create your own create your own rent create your own reality and don't wait for happiness it is only once you uh live in that that that that zone that you can be joy or something like that it is only by creating that that that that joy that you can be in the zone oh pretty good pretty good. Pretty good. How many are left? That was it. Oh, I did pretty good. You didn't do bad. I think it was about

half. Yeah, five or six for sure. For sure. Do you think you have a better memory about this kind of stuff than I do? I don't, but we should try. Yeah. We can, we'll get some more quotes for another segment. I actually, I do better with the quotes that you say than ones that I do. Interesting. Maybe because when I'm saying

it, I sort of black out. Yeah. because when I'm saying it, I sort of black out. Yeah. And when I'm saying it, you listen so you can react. Yeah. So I can treat meat to a seat on your face. Yeah. That was really good actually

for the poetry section that we want to do. You think so? Yeah. I think there's something there. Yeah. We've been writing prose for a long time. We've been doing slam poetry our entire career. It's time to switch it up to slant rhymes and there. Yeah. We've been writing prose for a long time. We've been doing slam poetry our entire career.

It's time to switch it up to slant rhymes and stuff. Yeah. That's a good idea. All right, last segment. Yep. Also one that we've done before but with a twist.

Yeah. Okay. So this is based on the game where we said the word trashy over and over until one of us laughed. Yeah. You laughed three times and you lost $80.

That's correct. Now we're going to be doing a variation on that in which we say the same word over and over, but with new pronunciations. Okay. The word, I'm just looking at a sign behind you, signal awards. Signal awards. Signal awards. Okay. So we'll go back and forth saying it are we doing a better

we just doing it off let's do 20 bucks 20 bucks this always starts with you being very confident that's right let's do 20 bucks you're not down several hundred signal awards signal awards signal awards signal award sag no Signal. Awards. Signal-ord. Sag. No. Awards. Signal. Double or nothing. Okay.

So that's on you. You lost one. Yeah, I lost one. Okay. So that's on you. You lost one. Yeah, I lost one. Okay. All right. Another 20. Why not? Why not?

Emma, give us two words that we can say together. Bathroom Carlson. Bathroom Carlson? Yeah. What word is Carlson? I would say that's one word. It's Tucker Carlson. Tucker would say that's one word. It's Tucker Carlson. Tucker's middle name.

Tucker Bathroom Carlson. All right. He's going to laugh already at the idea of Bathroom Carlson. You're laughing. Oh, it's funny so far. You already laughed. You haven't said it yet. Too many books.

Bathroom Carlson. Bathroom Carlson. Bathroom Carlison. Bathrom Carlson. Bathroom Carlzane. Nicole, let's hear a word. 20 bucks online. Wait, so we're at 40 right now. 40.

I owe you $40. Yeah. In addition to the 20 from the the line. Wait, so we're at 40 right now. 40. I owe you $40. Yeah. In addition to the 20 from the last episode. Yeah. So we're 60. Maybe a little nod to cock and swine. Oh. Cock swine.

Cock swine. Cook swoon. Cake swain. Coxon. Cake swained. Cook swin. Cooch swain it's not the spirit of the game you're changing the words

you're changing the word kooch kook swain clock slain conch yes conch got me pass me the conch got me pass me the couch i have two tons of wet elephant meat oh man that's good stuff that's so i'm that's adult humor yeah so you're back to nothing for that it was double or nothing was it double double or nothing? Yeah. I really appreciate that.

I'm giving you that. So you're down to just owing me 180 total. Yeah. I paid you that 180. You paid me 160. Oh, right. So I owe you another 20. I owe you another 20.

Yes. I think on balance, I'm actually trending in a good direction. Because the first two episodes, I lost almost $200 to you. 80 each, yeah. Yeah. Then the next two, I have only two hundred dollars to you 80 each yeah yeah then the next two i have only lost twenty dollars which is great yeah pretty soon you'll just break even yeah which is really what we most podcasts are right you rarely lose money there in the podcast exactly exactly uh all right sweet another ep of segs in the book oh we wanted to shout out oops all segments podcast oh that's true's true. They DM'd or left a comment saying,

you guys talked about our show on your show. Yeah. Jake even went so far as saying- As to say I was going to steal the episode. It was in February of last year, one of our last episodes, they made a theme song for us. Right.

We gave them a shout out to Oops All Segments. You're like, I love that title. Actually, cut this out. Let's steal their show. Let's steal it, yeah. And then in nine months we actually did kind of steal their show. Yeah, exactly. Completely forgot that we said that. Uh-huh. And then what makes it even more caught

red-handed is the fact that you said you were going to steal it. And what is their show? Their show is a podcast where I think it is different segments. Exactly like this. We should have them on as a guest. To be honest, I haven't listened to the show, but just by the title, Oops All Segments, sounds like they just do a series of segments. Yeah.

So go support their show and not ours. Yeah, or both maybe. Ideally. So shout out to the at Oops All Segments podcast on Instagram. Right on, right on. Sorry for saying we were going to steal, then actually stealing. Joking steal becomes real steal. That's my bad.

But they took it very well. In stride. Yeah, they were not mad at us or anything like that. Huge. So appreciate you guys. Shout out to them. For not suing us. Shout out to you guys for watching or listening. And if you have your own segment ideas, leave them as comments below. Yeah, comments, tweet at us, Instagram.

Anything you liked so far we've done about 20 segments so far some 19 actually because we've done poetry or noetry twice yeah and then the word thing was new ish ish for sure making each other laugh in different ways is good that's a that's a good recurring one yeah i kind of miss close your eyes and i'll give you a treat oh yeah did you get my note about shut your eyes and guess where i'm gonna touch you yes i did okay i did yeah yeah so actually that's pretty good write down where you think i'll touch you shut your eyes you'll write down where you think i'm gonna or no wait you know what is you're currently touching me and i have to guess where no all

right this is what it is you shut your. I'm gonna get up and come close to where I'm going to touch you. And then you'll guess and then I'll touch. I'm just gonna touch it. I'll touch it very lightly. Okay. Okay. Ready? You have 15 seconds. Okay. So Jake is getting up. He's

sort of walking around me. My eyes are closed. He punched me in the stomach really hard. Alright. So I'm ready to guess. I will say you are close to touching my right elbow.

Left elbow. Oh! Close! I was gonna say left. Really? Well you didn't. You owe me 20 bucks, motherfucker. That was my right elbow. Really? All right.

Snuck in an extra bonus Jonas segment right there at the end there. Why not? Why not? You guys deserve it. And we'll be back next week. Goodbye, everybody. That was a Hiddem Original.