Segments - 05: Mystery Guest

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

This week we're guessing people, taglines, and songs.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number.

So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it. 0-9-1-3-6-6-2. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Won't last its effort to try and stop their career from going to shit.

Sadness. Another podcast. Sadness. Each app different from the last. Sadness. It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shows. Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts. Sadness.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know who used to write a lot of TV theme songs like the ones that we love? Who? A sitcom actor. A famous sitcom actor. Huh. Would write it and sing it? Or just write it?

He would write it. I think he would write it. I don't i think he would write it i don't know if he would sing it but his son became a popular singer robin thick yes alan thick that's right would write the theme songs and then he also was like the dad in growing pains wow that's cool good on alan good on the thix and good on manshi for writing that one good on paris na man she na man she yes yes yes uh all right this is our first remote record of segments which means a lot of moving parts but hopefully we figured it out we had to do it ourselves but we're here i'm filming myself It seems like it's going fine.

Yes, the odds of it all going off without a hitch are low, but we can see if we can pull it off. Yeah, but at the very least, we're using real cameras instead of just the recorded Zoom. So still watch at home, everybody. You can still check this out on YouTube. This is still on the YouTubes. Of course, it's on the YouTubes.

Yes. This is also our first episode where we. Of course it's on the YouTubes. Yes. This is also our first episode where we're surprising each other with the segments. Yes. We each came up with two segments this week. That's right. Okay. I have a pretty involved one to start, so I think we should get right into it.

And this is I Swung for the Fence's high-risk, high-reward segment. All right. Get nervous and excited. Oh, wow. I am both now. I've been so focused on my own segments that I didn't even think about yours. Yeah. This was like at my wedding.

I was so nervous about my vows that I forgot Avital was going to be talking about me for 10 minutes beforehand. Yeah. It really throws you off when you're trying to go off book. Okay. So here's the segment.

And I really hope this works. It's called Mystery Guest. I'm going to invite in... How many people do you think we both know ever in the world? All your friends, all my friends, everybody we've ever met together, co-workers, past and present. Oh, I mean, it's co-work, hundreds? Hundreds.

Yeah, maybe 500 to 1,000. Yeah. So I made a list of everybody and I invited one of them to join us today. And I told them, him or her, to join as a mystery guest. And you could ask him or her yes or no questions 20 questions yes or no questions yes okay and they'll answer yes or no wow okay so i'm gonna is it quay quinsettle it might be that level like there's so many people okay no or it might be someone insanely close we don't know this is the beauty of the game who would you feel comfortable asking is the thing

that's right now i'm known or dm uh yeah it also might get spoiled instantly because this person may not have changed their zoom name so i'm gonna ask you to close your eyes while i invite them so at the very least if we have to change the name or turn the camera off. Okay. My eyes are shut. I'm not watching. Okay. And this is, you know, it's really hard to coordinate just us, let alone adding somebody.

Yeah. Okay. Eyes are still shut. Okay. Eyes are still shut okay eyes are still shut the the message has been sent okay i'm gonna have to shut my eyes for this can i just open them until you are going to invite them into the zoom no i've already invited them into the zoom okay oh this is good good start hold on it's it the name is mystery yes so the person had this amount of shit together wait so they're because their camera might be on we don't know yet okay i don't know

my eyes are shut okay i'm adding okay mr guest is in the name is mr guest and the camera is off great job mr guest so far no spoilers jake you can open your eyes. Mystery guest is still muted. So the goal of Jake's game is to ask yes or no questions. This is anybody we both know. That's the guarantee. We definitely have both met this person at least once as many as millions of times. Okay. Okay.

I hope you don't get it. And I definitely hope you don't get it instantly. I told the mystery guest they can answer in the chat or with their voice disguised. I was really hoping we'd get voice. Yeah. All right. Or you can chat mystery guest. Mystery guest, how about this? Can you hear us?

You can respond in the chat right now if you can hear us. All right. Yes. All right. Mystery guest says yes. Okay. So mystery guest, do you want to respond in the chat or do you want to try to use a disguised voice? Yes.

No. Chat. Chat. Mystery guest. This mystery guest is profesh. I'm already thrilled with how, like, I thought there was a chance that I invite this person and it's like, oh shit, my camera. And then it's like, it doesn't work. Okay. So that's like Daveosenberg level of unpreparedness perhaps perhaps okay so i wonder if it is dave rosenberg he was definitely on a short list of name that could

be your first yes or no no it's all right um oh yeah are you yeah first one are you dave rosenberg drum roll please no okay mystery guess says no did you work with us at college humor wow second guess yes there we go yes okay did you work with us at college Humor in Los Angeles? Ooh, good question. Yes. Okay. Yes. Somebody in the LA office. Did you work?

Wait, you're three questions deep, right? Yeah. Okay. Were you a writer? No. All right. It's very funny to see you ask and then the chat response. It's like we're talking to a really old computer.

Were you in post-production? That's your fifth question. No. No. Okay, so there goes my Mike Schabach guess that's a really good guess yeah were you in sales that's your seventh guess i guess no okay so it's kind of just thinking in sales nobody i just felt uh weird going into right into production so i think were you in production pure production it needs to be pure no what other departments did we have

your eight questions deep one two three four yeah okay um did you work in the office? Okay, Amir just wrote eight in the chat that threw me off. Did you have an office instead of like being out open in the open bullpen? Mystery guest. Great segment so far. No. Okay, so they're in the bullpen. Yeah. And they didn't work in production or sales or writing. What other jobs did you ever have? Marketing. Did you work in marketing? Oh.

No. Okay. You're 10 questions deep of 20 okay this is when usually a hint would come but i feel like you're fairly close you know the office i can't no i can't go should we go to voice for the last 10 questions? Mystery guest, you can veto that idea, but it might give Jake an opportunity to sort of glean who this could be. Veto. This person does not want to voice. Okay. Mystery guest, are you a man? Oh. No. Holy smokes. a man oh no holy smokes so we know that the mystery guest is a lady who worked with us

at college humor in la but not in marketing or sales was it yeah not marketing sales writing production or post-production accounting were you in accounting holy shit no mr now i don't know what other jobs there were um okay uh mystery guest did you work in the office every single day great question yes okay every single day remember that pre-pandemic lifestyle mystery guest are you an actor i need a hint you can ask you can ask personal questions like you know you don't have to you could play guess who like you don't have to say like you're keeping it very politically correct

and trying to narrow down the job think okay anything okay fine mystery guest uh you're at questions. Fuck me. Lady at the office worked in the open. It's not Noni, right? You have to ask. Mystery guest, are you Noni? Noni. Noni?

Noni. Noni. Yeah, I didn't think so. That would have been awesome of you. That would have been an absolutely savage move. But that could be the level of human we both know. Yeah. Mystery guest, did you know Noni? Oh, good question.

Yes, finally. Okay. Okay. You're 16. You have four questions left before you have to make the guess i have to i don't i truly can't think of anybody at the does your name start with this letter are you this tall okay okay okay fine yeah that's great mystery guest um are you christine rodriguez fuck it i'm gonna go for broke jake's down one and he just shot a half quarter this is truly so hard it's very fun for me

i'm over the moon with how this second has gone so far. Mystery guest, will I recognize you when the camera turns on? That's also a really good question. Were we good friends? Yes. We'll recognize. So that's 17. Yeah, 17. You have 13, 14, 15, 16.

You have three questions left, 18, 19, 20. Yeah. I shouldn't have guessed about the jobs because now I just, I keep on thinking of writers. Yeah. Okay. Let's go ahead and just say, I mean, if it's not a writer, it's not a writer. Are you happy that I'm stumped?

Yes, this is incredible. Mr. Guest, are you having fun or are you sort of nervous and scared? Yes, I'm having fun. That's good. Okay. Mr. Guest, did you work in the New York office as well as the LA office? That's a really good question. That's a really, really good question.

And it's a yes. That's 19. You have two questions left. It's not Emily. It couldn't possibly be Emily. Emily. Is it Emily Axford? No.

Are you Emily Axford? She was a writer. No, that's 19. So you have one question left and then you have to guess i've i've already made three or four bad guesses that's right who else was in both the offices who who could you narrow down like 50 50 to like oh answer for the voice for the last question holy shit mystery that's really good mystery guest really showed up this segment not as good if you had had any other guests it's a really good mystery guest this is a recurring

segment now for sure yeah um mystery guest also wrote a poem really yeah mystery guest did you did i did we sit near each other in the, no, that's not a fucking good question. Okay. Okay. New York office. Okay. Wait, so the mystery guest will answer with their voice for this question. For this question?

Yes. This is your last question I guess mystery guest did you did you were you still working at College Humor when Amir and I quit in 2014 yes

that was this guy's voice huh no that's their real voice unfortunately i brought in a cat that was really good and i love the fact that you didn't know who it was all right your guess you have to you did 20 questions now you have to just take a shot katie maravich katie maravich all right mystery guest will you show you on video i'm recording the mystery guest without further ado let's see let's fucking the mystery guest is jillian live your child you were talking to jill this entire time not even close so many guesses absolutely hey sweetie yeah i'm talking to jim i'm'm mad at jill yes jemma hey mama what's up yes

if i answered with anything other than yes or no he would have figured out who it was i thought he'd be like right away did you work at college humor jill like third third one right away no didn't even consider it. No, I was sitting here sweating about it just being somebody from sales that I didn't know when the camera turned on. I was going to have to be like, oh my god!

Patty! It's good to see you. She's rolling over with joy. I mean, that was great, Jillian. That really That was fantastic. Yeah, that was great, Jillian. That really, really... That was fantastic. Yeah. That is... Good job. Good job, Jill. When you said Noni,

I did want to write, lol, no. That would have been a great one, though. By the way, you would have gotten Noni in 14. Jillian, you did not get after 20. Yeah. Well, you know what fucking tripped me up? She didn't move to LA when we, didn't I ask if you moved to LA when we did?

No, you said, did she work in LA? It was free in the office. God damn it. God damn it. She's right. That was fantastic. Good job, Gemma. Your mom is a scoundrel, Gemma.

And this segment aligned perfectly with nap time. Wow. No babies were exhausted in the making of this segment. She's happy. Her segment's debut. Your dad's a moron, Gemma. What do you think of that? All right, Julian.

Thank you. Great job. Good God. Good God. All right. Love you guys. Bye-bye. Fuck you, man.

Fuck you, man. That was really good. Really good job. All right, we're back. I mean, what are we going to go into? Iconic segment. Jake and Amir trivia now. There's no beating that. That was perfect. All right, we're back. I mean, what are we going to go into? Iconic segment. Jake and Amir trivia now.

There's no beating that. That was perfect. Yeah, yeah. That was really good. That was really good. I don't know what else to tell you. The look on your face when you realized it was Jill was great because it's like, oh, right. She worked at College Humor.

Of course. I absolutely forgot about that maybe because you see her in a non-college humor context as well exactly exactly would you call joe a college humor friend um no no of course i would not. That's right. Um, yeah, no, that really got me. That absolutely got me. I feel like I can relax. I can breathe a little. Yeah, you were nervous. I was scared. I was scared it wouldn't work.

I was scared you would know right away. I was scared the voice would tip it away. I didn't even explain the, like the talking versus texting that was sort of decided in the room. Wow. Yeah. And like the time change change i feel like i got to coordinate yeah you got god yeah i got god it's the same feeling as a surprise party yeah yeah except where like you invited i was nervous the entire time there's a surprise party where you might have invited like somebody.

You didn't want to talk to. Yeah. That would have been really funny if you guessed an X and then boom, Jillian joins the show. I wonder how. So I, for my, for my segment, I need to share my screen.

Okay. But I also need to hide one part of my screen from you. Okay. So we'll see. Should I do the close my eyes thing now too? Again, we're producing live, so. Yeah, you shut your eyes. I'll turn around.

I'll shut my eyes so I can talk to the mic. Okay. Okay. Now, all right, I guess I'm just going gonna have to keep on asking you to shut your eyes because you can see my whole screen right okay so i'll shut my eyes i could also keep them shut this segment blindfolded no i think you need to see at least this first part okay open your eyes okay so you can see i've created uh a tinder profile for you this is good yeah not my age but this is good so far i guess i once you what's your birthday january 18th 2001 or i mean 1901 yeah 2004 12. 12 so you're are you're 40 oh yeah you're 40 okay anyway 41 this is a it's it's uh it's

unrelated wrong because i also asked you what your sign was you didn't respond so i wrote cancer which i'm not sure that's true when you asked me that earlier, I thought you meant like, are you ready? Yeah. Well, that's why I also said you're a bad texter. You like presents. I said you have a hamster. You're sober, curious, non-smoker. You work out sometimes.

Your passions. You're a 90s kid. Sound cloud. You mentioned that. House parties. Sushi. VR. Room. sound cloud you mentioned that house parties sushi and vr room yeah vr room you're only allowed to choose five so here that's your school there's a couple photo at the beach photos of you photo with a birdie yeah yeah i'm your balloon fellas in here wow this was a good

one that's your at my own wedding i took a photo of you watching avital walk down the aisle which i thought was pretty sweet yeah um this and then lastly that was mexico city maybe yeah that could be or it i also thought maybe this is from the night that you and i took our parents out to dinner together okay um so anyway let's so now here we are i'll just here's alicia 37 i'll like that and i said show me everybody this is just yeah you okay timothy's good and it's a match so it's the name of the game i'm just creating it you created a tinder bio and we're just what exactly we'll say no to this guy no to buck um i said show me everybody we're just swiping or yeah everybody all right so here's the this is the game now um so now i'm gonna need you to shut your eyes to hook up with this person in the next 15 minutes

right you owe you 180 dollars okay you know what, I'll stop sharing my screen for a second. Okay. Because now you know the rule or now you know what is at stake. So I have a quiz for you and for every right answer, I'll delete one of your pictures. And for every wrong answer, I'm going to swipe yes indiscriminately for like 10 seconds. Got it. And the fears that someone will recognize me and tell somebody that I'm cheating on my wife. Or the fears that you actually match with somebody and you do end up cheating on your wife because it's just that interesting. The pressure is there to meet up with a Timothy or a Maxwell. Exactly. this quiz uh is about taglines okay companies have famous taglines for instance feels like two segments all the way woven into one epic

segment yeah yeah i i was like how can i make the the tinder thing interesting yeah so yeah so i got you so i so i just um i was like oh i'll do a quiz and then i started looking at sports trivia um but i was like i feel like i do that for him all the time and then i saw a big billboard um for fossil and i they had a tagline i already forget what it was and i was like fossil doesn't have a tagline. I already forget what it was. And I was like, Fossil doesn't have a tagline. Yeah. Does every company have a tagline? We just don't know what they are. It appears just about all of them do. One second, let me get my computer charger. Sure. And that's important too, because it's not just about recording, quizzing, tindering, guesting, mystery or otherwise. It's also about keeping that equipment alive and well, making sure that

everything is running and humming you want to stay charged you need to stay charged which is um the tagline slogan yeah all right so we'll start with this one should be easy okay ups what is the ups tagline uh i don't know. UPS, welcome home. What can Brown do for you? Yeah, I knew that one. All right, let's swipe a little bit. Valentina, yes. Scott.

Oh, we matched with Scott. He's 51. Seems like I'm only matching with older dudes is the name of the game so far. No, well, you didn't match with Patrick. Got it. And you didn't match with Katie either, sorry. Ooh, Helio 33. Anywhere in America?

Within 100 miles of New York City. Got it. Okay, so we have Nike. That one you know. That one was obvious. Just do it, yeah. But Adidas also has one. Adidas. Ooh, Adidas.

That's a tagline. It's three words. And the second word is is. Blank is blank. Sports is life. Impossible is nothing. Yeah, I knew. Once you get me going, I feel like i can figure it out but i

don't remember what they are okay how about imagine john ham yeah talking about mercedes yes um the new e-class best in class jd power and associates mercedes impossible is nothing. It does end with nothing. So four words and ends in nothing. You can drive nothing. The blank. Blank. Future is full nothing. The best or nothing.

The best or nothing. That one doesn't even sound familiar to me. That doesn't sound familiar best or nothing that doesn't sound familiar no okay let's give you uh a gimme oh we actually first have to swipe helio we are gonna like you william and if i get it right what are you doing exactly um i will delete one of the photos got it essentially i'm just gonna you have a tinder profile now yeah that you're running okay so let's let's hit them with three cereals how about that okay these should be these you should be able to rattle these right off lucky charms they're magically delicious correct and can you get corn pops corn pops uh gotta have my pops that's right apple jacks that one's hard

apple jacks um they're like rapes no that's no that's great like you know right yeah all the you know the adults have been gotta have my jacks nope that's gotta have my pops yeah kid tested mother of jack mother mother approved apple jacks nope nope yes that's kicks like what's the kids excuse to the parents who just don't understand apple jacks we eat what we like that's right we eat what we like yeah um okay so we all know mcdonald's is i'm loving it subway what about that one eat fresh indeed and now they're gonna get a little harder oh burger king uh have it your way. Exactly. And White Castle. White Castle.

I don't really see White Castle ads out here. I don't know if they exist. What you crave. Yeah, I don't really know that one. Is that a famous one? I guess not. Let me give you a slogan and you're going to give me the thing. Okay.

All right? Yeah. We'll start with a really easy one yeah if it's got to be clean it's got to be tied oh that's tied obviously it's in it right exactly yeah yeah um sometimes you feel like a nut sometimes you don't um med men the the weed clinic in los angeles it's almond joys yeah almond joys have nuts mounds don't all right um we're gonna give you two more okay these ones are gonna be very easy uh okay there are three different cheetos slogans you can give me inside of us are three different cheetos uh dangerously cheesy that's their most recent one i also would have accepted it's not easy being cheesy yeah i know that one and the cheese that goes crunch okay do you know pop tarts yep gotta have my Pop-Tarts. Pop-Tarts. Kid tested, mother approved. Crazy good. Crazy good.

That one's fake. All right, now this is the creme de la creme. Yeah, creme brulee. Ooh, wow, that's a match with Sarah, 35. And Hazel, 32, not a match, but she was pretty cute. Art, 46, no match. Ken, 44, that's a match, but she was pretty cute. Art, 46. No match. Ken, 44. That's a match.

I am Kenuff. Okay. I will delete this Tinder. If you can come up with any slogan from Coca-Cola, which lasted from 1886 until now, any of the dozens of Coca-Cola slogans. Coke and cigarettes. Now that's a doctor approved breakfast.

That was 1886. Yes. Yeah. Actually in their first one was the best one. 1886. The slogan is drink Coca-Cola, which is fine now. Yeah.

Share a Coke, pass a Coke. Isn't that what we did? The Share a Coke campaign. Ooh, that's good. It's not on their official slogans. It's a classic thing. Something with classic. It's can't beat the real thing or something.

Ooh, let's see. Coca-Cola. Taste the rainbow. Nope, that's Skittlesles can't be their classic thing oh you said can't beat the real thing right yeah can't beat the real thing that's that is 1990 you can't beat the real thing that was the last time i saw a coke commercial i guess on tv it looks like now the current slogan is real magic nope never heard that one speaking of real magic we have a message from ken a magician nice wait he messaged me yeah i just said well he sent an emoji yeah it's hot not really oh yeah i see you're planning to meet up with Ken at the Dave and Buster's in Times Square.

Actually, yeah. I can't do my other segment. We're just going to have to call this one here. Let's go to a long, long break. Delete my account. Hillary Trump style. Delete your account. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote.

Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help.

It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters? Yeah, visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff then you should play pick six from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten

your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some

money on you select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat it's that simple and for all first time pick six players check this out new customers play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits very cool download the new draft kings pick six app now and use code SEGMENTS. That's code SEGMENTS for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits only on DraftKings Pick 6. The crown is yours. There you go.

Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregon connecticut must be 18 plus age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions pick six is not available everywhere including new york and ontario void were prohibited one per new customer non-withdrawable. Pick six credits, expire in six months, limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right.

Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it.

It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people yeah all right we're back um obviously i put my most time and effort and energy into mystery guest

which is right the new gold standard for segments that i can come up with. So here's my second favorite one of the day. I want to write a parody song. We didn't really do this a lot at college humor, but we do often sing forced puns. So I'm like, Oh, maybe we can squeeze one out. Yeah.

And I have some options for songs that we can parody. It's funny. This was one of my, one of the things I considered bringing on the short list. Yeah. Yeah. This was on a, on a note document that we shared.

There you go. That'll do it. Okay. So my options for songs that we're going to parody right now are, Hey there, Delilah. Somebody that I used to know. Gautier.

Yeah. Now and then I think of all that we could do. That song. And you let her go. That song by Passenger. So which one calls to you as a chorus that we can change and then back into the verses from there then i could pull up gotta be delilah it's gotta be delilah hey there delilah lyrics yeah because the the chorus is just oh it's what you do to me yeah so like it feels yeah we can keep

that going yeah so i mean right off the bat it's hey there delilah what's it like in new york city i'm a thousand miles away but girl tonight you look so pretty uh really is it a parody but i guess we have to think of a shtick like what are we what is the shtick what's the new song oh it's what you uh glue to me yeah what's what you glue to me or what you glue to bees and it's about a guy that's sort of honestly antagonizing a hive or a swarm of wasps sort of trying to like anger this this oh what if it's a what if it's a pirate it's a it's about pirate life and it's oh it's what you do with c oh it's what we do with c yeah that's good yeah a thousand leagues feels pretty far but i've got sails and planks and spars okay so this is the pirate version of hey there delilah yeah and it starts with

hey there delilah what's it like in new york city obviously we can't do that yeah so what's a pirate name or a pirate's wife's name right hey there mrs bluebeard yeah hey there m. Bluebeard. Yeah. Hey there, Mrs. Bluebeard. What's it like in, where are pirates from? Norway? Caribbean? Iceland? Those are Vikings. No, that's Vikings.

Somalia? That's more current, yeah. How about we just make it generally? Pirates of the Caribbean is kind of the vibe that I was imagining. Like a Captain Jack Sparrow-esque. Style, yeah. It's what we do at sea. So this is a pirate.

Yo, it's what we do at sea. Yo, it's what we do at sea. I feel like we're writing a Geico ad. Like, some things weren't meant to be made for everything else there's geico yeah what's in your wallet the slogans really do just leak out of some places and then sometimes you you just you just have like uh a wrley's and it fades away. Plain White Tees, Choppy White Seas, that could be the band. That's good.

Choppy White Seas, that's very nice. Yeah. So what about if it's like a pirate or a Viking or a naval command and his boat is kind of sinking? Okay, that's good. So it's like Choppy Waters or he's resorting to doing something that he only does at c oh it's what you do at c c so hey there delilah what's it like in new york city that's what we have to get yeah that's we have to get that line knocked out first yeah hey there mariah that's his

fucking wife he's writing a poem basically he's writing a letter to his loved one, and they're at sea. All right, got it. Yeah. So theoretically, it could still be Delilah. Yes, it could be, but we have to change it a little bit for the song. Hey there, Mariah. What's it like in some other city? Shitty, pretty, middy, gr fitty hitty what's a what's what's the what's

like a pirate city montego bay yeah hey there delilah what's it like in montego bay what's a unit of measurement is it i a thousand leagues away. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a thousand leagues away. And tonight, I'm, honestly, I might be gay. Like he's starting to consider his sexuality

because it's been so long away from Mariah, you see. And it's like, this is what we do at sea. At sea. Yeah. Hey there, Mariah. What's it like in like montego bay i'm a thousand leagues away and tonight i feel so uh okay yeah tonight i feel this i feel like we nailed the chorus and these verses are actually very very difficult

yeah and it's hard to do it we're not changing anything yeah we're barely moving the meaning of anything yeah we're just replacing we barely replaced the name instead of new york city yeah i think i think it has we have to we have to start from scratch again okay oh it's what you do to me should be something else how about oh it's what you add to cheese so everything is food okay weird al style yeah oh it's what you add to but what do you add to cheese exactly like hey there delilah i'm on a farm in vermont i'm 60 miles away but girl tonight i'm stopping at Walmart or something. Yeah.

What we should do is we each have us an amount of time to make, to parody Delilah. And then, and then we sing it back to each other. I see. That's not going to happen now. No, not today,

but yeah, but maybe in the future. Punching up this this segment you tell me ahead of time and we each come up with a parody song and we have this is link compare parody basically punch up the jam yeah we'd call it comparity and contrast that's really good comparity thank you okay how about it's a guy who's calling his lover at home and he's asking if he can pick anything up on the way home. Okay. Like he's coming back.

Like, let's say you're coming back from Connecticut. Right. Hey there, Delilah. How do you like some fresh baked Z? Yeah, I'm a hundred miles away,

but I can keep it warm on the cd just for you i'm a hundred miles away but i can also pick up reese's yes i can i can also pick a flan if i'm your man so you're trying to sort of bribe her into being a boyfriend you're an uber eats driver who has fallen out of favor and this person has stopped or they started cooking at home so you're like trying to entice them to start ordering more food and now this is an uber delilah yeah delilah hey there delilah can stay yeah delilah can stay so it's hey there Delilah what's it like how'd you like some fresh baked

ziti I'm a couple miles away and girl tonight I can get you Reese's yes I can I can even get you a flan if I'm your man hey there Delilah how'd you like I can even get you a flan if I'm your man.

Hey there, Delilah. How'd you like some fresh-baked ziti? I'm a couple miles away, and I can also get you Reese's. Yes, I can. I can also get you a flan if I'm your man okay um and then the next part is hey there delilah don't you worry about the distance which is honestly still usable yeah hey there delilah don't you worry about the surge price the temperature the heatness don't you worry about the heatness i can put it in a box and sit on

and put it right there on my seatness that's good i can use a chair warmer and put it right there on the seatness just for you um i'll fart in the box he too close your eyes listen to my voice it's my disguise I'm by your side okay so it's um let's eat pie listen to your heart I can eat guy

I'll get you sides mashed potato with grilled cheese mac and cheese with your C's tomato soup and eggplant farm

and plays and hearts oh a potato and baked potato and hearts. Oh, a potato and, oh, baked potato and grilled cheese. Yeah. Baked potato. Oh, and sour cream. This can't be how it is.

Hey there, Delilah, don't you worry about the seatness. I can place it on the chair and use the warming, sorry worry about the seatness i can place it on the chair and use the warming sorry the heatness place it on the chair using words the heatness why would delilah be worried about the warmth of the zd hey there delilah don't worry about the warmth of the zd no we're moving on from ZD. You can get her anything. So don't you worry about the calories or something. Okay. Don't you worry about the carbs?

Oh, yeah. Don't you worry about carbs? Because I can substitute asparagus for. Yeah. This greasy chicken parm. I'll eat it all. Back on a pirate ship. Yarr.

It's what we do. It's a. I'm not eating calories. I've lost a pound or three or four. So this, yeah, this is, this is the segment where you make it about Uber Eats delivery and I make it about pirates.

Then we, then we do the reveal. Yeah. Our two passions. All right, let's just finish this one part. Hey there, Delilah,

don't you worry about the carbs that can substitute asparagus for this greasy chicken parm. I swear I can. Or just, just close your eyes. Uh, it will taste, it'll taste just like apple pie.

Let's go get high. As long as you're high. So now he's sort of telling her she can order healthy and still taste like junk food. He's clearly having a stroke driving this car. All right. So this is what we have thus far and maybe at all. Hey there, Delilah. How'd you like some fresh baked ziti?

I am a couple miles away and I can get you also Reese's yes I can I can also get you flan if I'm your man that's good hey there Delilah don't you worry about the carbs I can substitute asparagus for this greasy chicken parm. Just close your eyes. It'll taste like apple pies as long as you're high. Oh, baked potato and grilled cheese.

Oh, potato with sour cream. To me, you're These are awful foods oh baked potatoes and grilled cheese oh tomatoes

sour cream just showing up at a girl's house with this a baked ziti that's cold a flan tomatoes and sour cream can I hook up with you? I'm a man with no plan and no plan plain white teas no this is hot white cheese there we go all right i mean this is it's a start

these take more than 15 minutes to write so we were under the gun yeah but i mean i think we got there i think so too and we're back um i think this was a suggestion actually oh yeah i see now it's from well max will on instagram yes well max will uh suggested tales from college humor which yes i liked a lot because i feel like as i as I get old and wise, I have been reflecting more on how insanely fun it was to work there. Slash how dangerous slash kind of illegal it was sometimes to work there. Very much.

And no one would ever be able to, at least I don't think, maybe there are companies like this, but it just feels like there's no way we would get away with any of the stuff that we were doing then now um and we probably wouldn't want to but at the same time i feel like when i was reflecting on it when i was like 29 or something it was it was too recent i was like yeah whatever jobs are jobs are crazy when you're young whatever you know um but so i i had the story that came to my mind was when i was an intern at college humor yeah josh and ricky are two bosses yep um who at the time were just like 26 so so insanely young they were one of the youngest employees one of the youngest employees at HeadGum would be a 26-year-old.

I mean, it's Jeff. It's Jeff, basically. Imagine Jeff, but instead of being the lowest person, he is the highest. It is really similar because they were just as wild and crazy and funny as Jeff is, and they just had cash and success. I guess they were smarter. But anyway, I think it was nobu or some kind of like it was some very fancy sushi place because josh was like i think it was nobu josh was into food and they offered a hundred dollar gift card to whoever could stay in the office the longest a hundred dollars it was a hundred i think it was a hundred maybe 150 it was basically a free dinner whoever could stay in the office the longest? $100. It was 100.

I think it was 100, maybe 150. It was basically a free dinner, which isn't that much. Right. But it was for whoever could stay in the office the longest. This was when we were at, we were working in the Tribeca office. And me, Chris Collins, and Amanda Ferry all stayed in the office I think for three or four days overnight ordering food but you couldn't like leave to pick up the delivery there was like some rule where it's like you had to like ask the delivery guy to come in or somebody else to get you food I think we were allowed to get in the elevator but not allowed to leave the building. It's sort of like a Mr. Beast-esque challenge

but to their employees, which is probably not legal. Yeah. I guess we made Jeff host a 24-hour live stream, which is similar in a way. That's actually pretty fucked up. But yeah, I just lived at the office for three whole days.

I remember there was a video. Like a documentary. You guys were recording it like, hey, it's 3 a.m. We're still at the office. We're doing our laundry here. Because you didn't bring clothes, right? Like you couldn't prepare for it. No, yeah.

They said that day that they were doing the contest. And it was actually perfect timing because I had just flown home from visiting my girlfriend at the time at her college. I actually had a bag of toiletries and clothes in a bag. We all stayed there for three days and then we decided that we would all leave together and go out to dinner together at nobu and we never ever did we sort of hated each other by the end of it so we had it was never about the food it was just the fun times of it was about the camaraderie yeah yeah i do remember there was like a video of you like talking to camera remember yeah i think there was like it was it was like everybody was laughing about how we're going to sleep at the office and it was funny before everyone left and then they all left and it

was really fun and then it was just like yeah we were there for three days i think i don't know if the video is done like the next day or the same day when we like kind of announced the contest. But I do, I felt like competitive. I actually wanted to. The gift certificate to the restaurant you've never used. Yeah. I don't even think you like sushi. Yeah.

Did you even eat sushi back then? All right. Thinking about that office. Apropos of that. I remember when we first started making original content you remember ch tv we would make like 10 to 15 minute long episodes that were pieced together by sketches right i remember there was a conversation to be had like these are only 15 minutes long like should we make them longer it's like uh i don't know like it has to match tv's length but it's going to be living online but But maybe they could be a little shorter, like 12 to 14 minutes. And we would shoot sketches and piece them together as episodes of a television show that didn't exist, but we put them online.

Right. And we wanted them to go viral. And they're like, the thinking was the longer they were, the more likely they were to go viral which is the exact opposite of everything that's crazy this is also pre-youtube so we would make these 15 minute web shorts by piecing together other sketches and some of the sketches was just street or grab a microphone and go talk to drunk people on the street like that was one of them or like jeff showing viral videos in a closet on his laptop and it's like today is viral videos of the week and like he had to just record it in his closet because we didn't have a place for it do you remember this stuff yeah i wasn't there i remember watching that before my job like before i started interning at college humor i think it

was just before my time. Were those shot by John and Giancarlo? Wasn't the first views shot by them? Yeah, maybe because I did shoot their internet video around that time, the ping pong one. I'm like, oh, these guys know how to shoot and edit. Wow. But before that, the only videos on CollegeHumor were seven seconds, guy getting hit in the head with a shovel. I remember that. Yeah. That's the only video we have.

So like to go from that to a 15 minute, like sketch comedy show on called CHTV. I think we made like three episodes and they cost like $80,000. Like this is insanely stupid and inefficient. No, we stopped right away. Wow. Yeah. I, I do. stupid and inefficient no we stopped right away wow yeah i i do because i remember them not being around when i started so and it was called ch tv but it wasn't on television at all and i think at

one point we gave away like the ch tv was like hey thank you for watching at the end of this episode we're going to give away this maybe arcade machine or ping pong machine that was in the office something like that we did we again like mr beast did like random giveaways and stuff but this was before youtube so i don't know what we were expecting from something going viral nobody could really share or watch or discover this stuff unless they were on it was more people yeah it was more people hearing about college humor's website going to the website and then us selling ads around that yeah i guess we were like sell like premium content but the content was like funny facts of the day by amir and i would be like playing ping pong by myself and saying a

funny fake fact or something like that yeah i also think this was before twitter so we couldn't really tweet that stuff either so there was really very limited you just had to make it and hope that people got there somehow yeah i hope you go to college humor.com and share the url to this one video i made there were like funny website aggregators right it's like these are the all of the funny websites you can go to fark you can go to keybombs world yeah and they would just link to different videos or to each other websites that link the links that link the hot links street used to be in charge of the hot links i remember that yeah they would go from really long to really short at the bottom yeah but like each one would get clicked on 80 000 times that does not exist anymore no imagine the power we had

not me personally but college humor right imagine the power my boss's Well, not me personally, but CollegeHumor had. Right. Imagine the power my bosses had. Yeah. Oh, you finally bought your domain name back. Maybe you can start build a website like that. That's right. That's right, everybody. jkertwitz.com now belongs to me. Holy shit.

After probably a decade. It's a very janky Squarespace at the moment. Let me see what it looks like when I go to it. No good. No good. No good. This is terrible. I should change it before anyone goes to it. At least, yeah, both of these links go to me.

All right, that's good. All the sequences on here. Yeah. That's nice. Uh-huh. That's right. That's right. It looks terrible.

It looks really bad bad this is a just terrible looking website just in time for websites not to exist you got jakeherwoods.com it was at an all-time low they were giving it away practically i wonder if the guy knew that he like has has he been squatting on this because he knows you or he like buys all these famous names and he's like somebody will come running yeah he must just buy well i wonder if it's even that because i also like had it and he must just be like on some kind of alert for like expiring domain names and just snatching them up right away yeah that's what i would think uh all right that's it four segments but the surprise factor was pretty fun

yeah i like that a lot so maybe maybe it was going to keep that up. Yeah. And if you, again, if you have your own segment ideas, let us know, of course, in the comments to this YouTube video.

That's right. And thanks to you guys for watching. And we are also making a bonus content on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J a jaw. We're watching college humor videos. Jake. That's right. Maybe we can dig up some old CH TV clips. slash J-A. Ja. We're watching college humor videos. Jake and me videos. Maybe we can dig up some old CHTV clips. That's what we should do.

I wonder if those are online anywhere anymore. I'll Google CHTV. And hope to God they don't exist. The television station of Carmel High School. They have the right I don't think that's you we'll do some digging on the internet archive.org yeah

not even no chance this is not not happening but we'll try okay and we'll be back of course next week ciao for now everybody that was a Hiddem original