Segments - 08: Fifty Like Xeet

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

In this episode we stroll down memory lane, play a game, and revisit our old Jake and Amir idea list.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Won't last its effort to try and stop their career from going to shit. Second. Another podcast. Second.

Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army Nightclub Show. Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts. Second. Just kidding. That was a little... For those of you watching,

I tried to pretend that I was drinking poison sort of as like a secondary goof to the theme song. Right. A joke on a joke. A joke in a joke. It's just my coconut water.

Actually, let's start with unsolicited advice. Harmless Harvest, my favorite coconut water. And I've tried a lot of them. Cool. It's expensive to be sure, but one a week won't set you back that much. For me, I think coconut water tastes like ass.

I think it tastes like water that somebody jizzed in. I think the taste is bad. It's only enjoyable when it's absolutely freezing, which basically means it's only enjoyable when you can't taste it. It's essentially the same as vodka. I think coconut water is for losers. And I think anybody who says they like it is lying because it's actually unlikable. Now, let's get started. Welcome to Seconds. Wow. Do you like coconut flavor or anything? You just don't like coconuts.

I love coconut. I love coconut. I will put a straw in a fucking nut right now. By the way, that's probably the jizz water you're tasting. You haven't had coconut water yet. Right, right. I come in glasses instead of socks. Yes, this is Segmania, a.k.a. Segments, a.k.a. Segmentation. The only segmented podcast on the web hosted by us.

I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Okay, what do we got today we've got plenty of segments to get to i believe the first thing we're doing is um uh is a is a 50 like tweet for a thousand dollars yeah we did that well not for a thousand but we did it really early on the 50 like tweet and ever since then whenever i tweet something weird somebody's like yep they're doing another weird 50 like tweet game i'm like, that's just me saying a weird thing. It's not all a 50 like tweet game. That being said, this one will be another 50 like tweet game. Yep. Okay. So let's think about what the tweet would be.

Okay. I'll tell you one that I tweeted recently that got over 100 just to put you in the mode of what does well on my account because again we don't use your account we use mine unless you want to use yours but here we are yeah uh my last 100 like tweet said yeah i use social media less like every single second basically less as a an acronym for that right i see i saw that one actually so yeah that's kind of like that's the wheelhouse it's yeah okay it's it's interesting it's commenting on our society correct um okay which makes me i think the leaping off point that i want to use is uh only only a millennial like me can actually kill a cactus um and then that was you had that ready

to go no i'm just i just looked at a cactus in my office got it we'll call that your first draft right well that's the leaping right so that's like the vibe it's like you know a millennial says like only i could kill a cactus right that's That's right. So what's the joke from that? Only a millennial like me could kill a cactus. I mean, all I did was put my spunk in. Yeah, yeah. I think you're just in, like, a very. Yeah, I'm in a blue mood yeah i've talked

about cum a lot yes a lot um how about this you in when you're in the desert um you can uh are you are you seeing my screen right now yeah i can break apart a cactus for sustenance. That's a nothing burger, of course. Yeah. Then you write, yeah, or you can call an Uber. Have fun at Coachella, kids. Okay. Posted. So let's see how this one does.

Nothing yet. But it's still early. Still very early. This game is basically like, it's some money to me, but really it's more embarrassing to you. Right? It's like you're paying $50 to shame me.

Right. Okay. How about the married my best friend this weekend? And then it's a photo of you and Luke. And then parentheses, Avital and I were divorced in November. I don't think I want to do that. I don't think I want to say that i don't think i want to say you don't want to do that because it'll get a thousand yeah it'll get a thousand likes that's

why you're trying to back your way into a cute dog photo and then say that was the tweet no i'm gonna put a weird stipulation and say text only tweet text only oh fuck me i well i really was gonna try to get it the dog the The dog photo would really help me a lot. Of course. Okay. What about another acronym? How insane is it that two of my uncles were in the lemon party photo? That's it.

That's the tweet. That's pretty good and then should i write that's it that's the tweet sure my uncles are in the lemon party party photo that's it that's the tweet or not that it. That's the tweet or not? That's it. That's the tweet. Okay. I think this one has legs for sure. Yeah, you think so? Yeah, this is going to be a 50

likeer. If it gets to 25 before our last segment, will you let me do an ad tweet and say, the other guy is my aunt. My other car is my aunt. Okay, yeah.

Let's go for it. Let's see what happens. And we're doing three lines. How insane is it that two of my uncles were in the Lemon Party photo? Question mark, period. No, I like the period. That's it, period.'s another line break that's the tweet question mark that's it that's the tweet

this might be a joke on a joke yeah yeah i think you're right additive or not yeah i think that's it period that's the tweet period better than that's it that's the tweet can i make a recommendation to change it to z is that's what people are calling it now no they're not for a week people thought they were they were when twitter got changed to x that tweets would be called zeats i don't really know how that started but yeah what about that's it that's the zeat i i'm worried that like you making that ad makes a little too inside baseball but at the same time this is for people who are inside baseball who like that like social media less thing yes exactly um but it is i think that's it that's the tweet i think i have to win or lose

this on my own okay not the z you change that so am i changing z to tweet yeah that's it that's the tweet because they didn't change it right yeah is is tweet capital like that uh i think so yeah because it's a proper noun i mean lemon party is an old reference but i i would have to assume people get it i think so i hope so and i mean if that for for that reason alone it's like the lemon party and the z and for those of you who don't know the lemon party photo is three old yes it's three men blowing each other in a triangle i don't i don't know if they're asian i just remember it's three old men uh blowing each other in a circle it's kind of like a 69 with a third guy yeah um it looks amazing that's actually pretty hot

all things considered yeah My aunt was tub girl. And me, I'm Goetze. And Goetje was Goetze. You know something I really don't enjoy is that every single publication still says Twitter or X formerly Twitter. Yeah, we're still in that gray area. Yeah, I'm just so, it's so annoying. I guess I probably would not know what they were talking about if they didn't say formerly Twitter. I think the better thing to do would just be to not call it X.

Yeah, just say Twitter still. Just keep on saying Twitter. It seems like just their logo changed, really. Yeah, everything else is exactly the same okay am i posting this oh yeah yeah post okay posting uh and you can see so far i just posted it so it doesn't have any engagements or likes okay i think we'll know in a few seconds or a minute how it's doing. Yeah, or if we're getting shadow banned. Yeah, they could see the lemon party and show, oh, we got a like.

We absolutely got one. Yeah, that was fast. That's good pace. Oh, shit, we didn't put any cash on it. Well, let's just run it back the same amount as last time. What was it last time? I think it was 80. No 50.

I don't know. All right. Well, I think it was like 40 and then you did a double or nothing or something. Let's say 50 bucks. That's awesome. 50, $1 per like,

Oh, that's interesting. $1 per like in a 24 hour window. Yeah. I will say we're still stuck at one. Yeah. That's would have're still stuck at one. Yeah, that's obviously not ideal. Two, three, five or something like that. Yeah.

But I'm still riding the boat. Wow, it jumped to four. That's exactly what I was about to say. Yeah. That like next time it goes up, it's not going to be like to two. Yeah. I was going to say five. I would have liked five.

But that's actually really encouraging to see. And we are getting early numbers. Remember, just please, if you're in line, continue to vote. And this is worldwide. Your polling place is still open. And it is 1219 p.m. Pacific. So we are getting that UK. Oh, we're up to six.

There's six. That's up by two trending it's trending well but not trending on twitter would you think all of the guys in the lemon party photo are now dead they have purely from old age they were yeah that was a 20 year old photo they all looked like they were in their 90s not 90s 80s at least oh we got a reply from my friend david pressman oh that's sweet they're having fun that's good what if he gets 50 so he knew it was us yeah he well he didn't know it was us but i think he thought i was joking oh like i'm literally like the uncles are having fun i thought he was saying me me and you were having fun calling us out for playing this game.

Yeah. That'd be really good though. Okay. Let's take a pause and see how it's doing by the beginning slash end of the next few segments. Yeah. Losers. All right, we're back.

We're at 10 likes. I don't know what else to say. It's doing well. That's a blazing hot start. That is. We're at 10 likes. I don't know what else to say. It's doing well. That's a blazing hot start. That is. Much better than your last. Do you remember what the last one was? It was like, I'm so Jewish, even my yarmulke is circumcised.

Yeah, that one was a stretch, but I don't think we got to 10 this quickly. Yeah. I still think, you know, that one has actually aged really well yeah now that people knew that yeah i left it up and a lot of people are retroactively liking it no that'll do it yeah oh we're getting three replies too great tweet keep up the good work proud of you wow people are really liking it they like it that's three that's that's three quote tweets or no that's just replies three replies yeah yeah i want to see that retweet i really need that rx yeah signal boost can you imagine getting a re-zeet this early do you think am i allowed to retweet it did we say this last time

i was not allowed to right when it was doing really, I let you re-zeet just for an extra boost at the end. But this one might not need it. Okay, 13. Wow. I might re-zeet. Yeah. Okay, so the next segment is something we're taking from a TikTok account that I found. Let's not give them credit, but basically it's called the Guessing Scale Game.

No, we'll give them credit. Fine. Right. Two funny dudes it's the frdi show or the or the just frdi yes the frdi show okay great two funny dudes on tiktok they play this game called the guessing scale i'm like oh this will be perfect for us to take and use for a segment they basically it's like a hot and cold style game, but the hottest is 100 out of 100. The coldest is zero out of 100. One person thinks of an object

and the other one just guesses what it is. And then you rank how close I am on my guesses. Okay. So for example, I'll think of an object right now. And then you try to guess what it is. And I tell you how close you are on a scale of 0 through 100. It was kind of like that Semantle game, if you remember playing that.

Semantle. It sounds familiar. It was like semantic wordle. It was basically trying to urge you to guess the right thing. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So you're thinking of something? I am thinking of something, yes.

Ceiling fan. So I would say that's three out of a hundred in closeness. Okay. Um, three, uh, a cucumber, uh, five out of 100 okay football 80 out of 100 baseball 90 out of 100 okay and what did I just say I said baseball yeah cleats 90 baseball bat oh 95 out of 100 baseball mitt uh 92 out of 100 what was 95 the bat yeah baseball hat uh 92 baseball gloves 92 You're close, but bat is closer. Bat. Okay. So cricket bat. 80.

Tennis racket. 70. All right. So it's got to be baseball. Is it baseball? Well, the bat is the closest. Right. Okay. So it's golf club.

70 out of 100. Bat being the closest. It's golf club, 70 out of 100. Bat being the closest. It's a club. It's baseball bat related. Oh, baseball bat tape, tar, 94, 93. Wood, 20 out of 100. Baseball bat related. That's not a baseball bat.

What on earth? Think of something you can't hold. Something you can't hold. Something that just is. Something you can see but can't hold. That's related to a baseball bat? That's right. A baseball stadium?

95, yeah, close. It involves those two things. Home run. Yes, 100, all right. Good job. I thought it had to be an object or a noun. It's a thing, yeah. A home run is a thing.

Home run is a thing. yeah home run is not necessarily yeah i think you can hold object okay yeah okay got it by the way you're at 23 likes right now so you are just rounding second base to continue the metaphor that's amazing amazing thank you everybody i just want to say thank you out there to the lovers and the haters who made this tweet go viral because it only goes viral when it's controversial, when it's people talking about it. So if you loved it or you hated it, I want to say thank you very much. Okay, you think of an N. I'll try to guess it. Okay, let me try to think of something that's unrelated to baseball.

Or cum, which is the other thing that's been on my mind. A lot lately. Of late. Okay uh okay okay okay um no hold on hold on um i've got it larry bird uh two a cucumber 30 pizza sauce Two. A cucumber. 30. Pizza sauce. 35. Holy shit, I think I know it.

Water. Back to 30, I think. I see, okay. An acai bowl 45 oh closer uh a pomegranate 35 peanut butter 45 i'm still not over 50 it might not even be a food a blender two hummus 30. jesus i'm starting to think it's not pureed food at all a jar two wow it's not even a jar how could it not be a jar i was looking at your eyes and i saw a

jar a watermelon seed uh five oh interesting so the closest thing so far has been an acai bowl right that's right granola 46 a little closer a bagel oh now we're talking i think 80 oh holy smokes a peanut butter and 75 a slice of pizza 78 a slice of bread 90 wow a slice of toast 90 okay okay grilled cheese sandwich 89 a little further

wow a slice a cracker a wheat thin cracker who says no to that i think 80 what going the wrong direction for sure a toast is the closest at 90 toast is close a toast is close a toast to the host with a closed me. Burnt bread. Matzah. You know, 75, 80. Not that close. Tortilla chip.

Don't think about the toasting of it because you were as close when you had a slice of bread. Of bread, that's right. Think about the bread of it all. Okay. Tortilla chip. all. Okay. You know, tortilla chip. That'd be 75. Interesting. Dough?

70. Flour? 50. Butter? No, that's, I think that's 85. Okay, so bread is still the closest. Butter is the second. Bread and toast and butter a little further behind.

A slice of gum? Not it. Wow, so slice is not part of the whole joy. It's really about the bread of it all.'s all about the bread what about an english muffin 91 a little closer actually i'll say 95 i'll say 95 a biscuit 95 96 what if a biscuit was two? Okay, I'm getting close with a circular slice of bread. Not a biscuit. Not a muffin. What about just a muffin?

90. Interesting. It's definitely carby. It's definitely carby. And I want to say it's a bread carb of sorts. Rice? 70. Further away.

For sure further away. A slice of bread that's not bread, muffin, or toast. Or a biscuit. God. Do you want a hint? Sure. No, I'll give it away okay a graham cracker 70 interesting english muffin biscuit yeah toast yes these are sides about a continental breakfast. Yeah. Cereal? A bowl of cereal? 69. Yes.

And I would like to 69 a bowl. Lemon party style. Me, Captain Crunch, and Sonny. A bowl of oatmeal? 70. A continental breakfast bread uh oh a waffle 88 pancake 86 go fuck yourself then actually go fuck yourself because you told me to think of something and then i did and then then you just did it to embarrass me.

That's right. I haven't been thinking of anything. I've been thinking about a bike. The answer was nothing. The answer was nothing. That's why I was basically thinking of a bagel. A home run. I'll give you a hint. A circular bread.

I eat one essentially every day. A banana? 60. You know this about me. I'm floored. You eat this, Brett, a power bar? 75. You eat this every day for breakfast?

I used to for sure for several years for many years oh i see a croissant a croissant yeah that's right that's right yeah i should have thought of that when biscuit yeah english you don't feel right you don't feel duped by that. I feel like I did the correct number assigning, right? Yeah, I was just blank. I reached an impasse and I couldn't figure it out. We're at 30 likes for the tweet. Wow, 30. That's really nice. It's good, but it's still 20 away.

That's true, but I feel like it's reached a tipping point. For sure. I think that's our time we're doing a pretty short episode today two segmentos i owe you 50 bucks then and i did get course i actually did get croissant i actually think really early on i used to play a game that was uh just called it was i guess it's like similar to 20 questions but we used to play a game that was just called, I guess it's like similar to 20 questions, but we used to play a game just called I'm Thinking of Something, and you could just think of anything in the world

and everybody had to ask you questions until you could get it. Was it only yes or no questions? It was only yes or no questions. It was insanely infuriating. We used to play it on like really long car rides. Yeah. Just think of like the most absolutely obscure thing.

You just keep on asking questions. I wonder if games like that are going away because of cell phones like i or are we just old now but like our six-year-olds just like all right we have to come up with a game to pass the time no way yeah i would imagine that car rides now are like kid has the ipad mom and dad are listening to a podcast at the front you can go on a six-hour car ride and not say a word to each other god how awesome is that i used to play ghost yeah remember the game i'm romanticizing i'm definitely romanticizing like the long car rides and playing those games with uh my siblings but also i you know you had to come up with those games out of like sheer boredom because the car rides were agony.

So now that they're not agony, that seems like an improvement. Did you ever have like a rich friend that had the van with like TVs in it? And everyone's like, holy shit, there's a fucking TV in this car. Yeah, I think I didn't have a friend that had a TV in their car, but I did have a friend that had a portable DVD player. And that was like just that was, you know, just as good because actually you could watch the DVDs in your room as well. Oh, my God. Could you imagine? Absolutely unreal.

Yeah. I remember getting a laptop and be like, holy shit, it plays DVDs. I could just slide the DVD in. Yeah. That's amazing. What region? I don't know. I've never been asked that before.

I didn't know what region this DVD is for. I can only change the region three times before the DVD player self-combusts. Yeah, that's a risk. How's my tweet doing? 32. Let's take a break. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday.

So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

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All right, what do we got for the next seg? Okay, so I've enjoyed going back and checking out old Jake and Amir's on the new show. And I had the idea, well, actually, I guess I had the memory that a long time ago, you and I had like a list. I think it was like 100 emails long of Jake and Amir ideas. That was how we would kind of like consolidate all of our thoughts for episodes. We basically Gmail each other back and forth. Right.

And for a long time, we Gmail each other on this thread. So I, it looks like the first email came from me April 16th, 2011. So that's what, 13 years ago. Yeah.

This idea thread had a bar mitzvah the other day. Incredible. Mazel. I said maybe we can use this. I said, I love the way you are. I love you. Simitove, mazel tove, mazel tove, simitove. So yeah, I say maybe we can use this for ideas while I'm in L.A.

So I think I was moving to L.A. Yeah. The three ideas I sent are breaking your collarbone, devastated about the Hoobastank tour, marking Karen. And then I say I feel like there's more that I'm forgetting. You respond saying practical Jake to other people in the office. I guess that's instead of practical joke. Like, oh, I don't. You're the victim of a practical Jake to other people in the office. I guess that's instead of practical joke. Like, oh, I don't. You were the victim of a practical Jake.

Yeah. I don't know if we ever used that. I don't know if we ever used breaking your collarbone or the hoopa stank. Mark and Karen, we did. Unless this idea thread is like us doing a sequel, which actually we might have also done. A sequel. Well, yeah. Mark and Karen is the one who's like i have

three tons of wet elephant meat and we didn't know what to call those care well we all we had was the character names but we don't know if this idea predates that video right exactly i would say most of these didn't get made you would you yeah i mean you just rattled off four and we've only used maybe one of them okay uh yep you you say uh april 25th we should go paintballing in an app it writes itself that's that would be a good episode but we didn't have money or effort to do it okay here's one that we did use. April 28th, I email you prom. Nailed it. Yeah. I mean, that's all we needed to hear.

Me in a tux. Five minutes later, the episode had been written. Yeah. Okay, I want to see if I can find one that has a little more back and forth. Oh, here we go. A fleshing out of an idea that we did use. You TP someone's desk with used toilet paper. Oh, wow.

I sent that to you. And we did do that one. It's pudding and shit. Okay, here we go. This is, here's, I guess this is an idea. Oh, you know what I think you did here? I think you copy and pasted a G chat to me. Okay.

All right. So find the headbutt idea where you feel shame. It's your first email right below. Okay. Okay. So here I'll read my part. This is us doing a G chat of the video? Yeah.

I think this is us just like coming up with a random idea. And then you emailed the transcript of that chat to the thread to get us started on the dialogue. And we did not shoot this. I think we did. Oh, okay. All right. I say, hey, dude, my dad is pissed at us.

I didn't do anything. Like it or not, you're involved. I needed two names on the paper to start my tobacco business, and I don't have a real address so we use yours stop saying we we're in trouble okay so I'm I'm writing all of those lines to you that's me and you saying it and I say that's funny and I go back into character so why is your dad pissed mostly about giraffe rentals you made the story gets longer and you get more and more implicated ha ha ha, I say.

He's pissed, and then you're, I'm giving your line, he's pissed at you right now, but he's pissed at me for standing up for you. Actually, I haven't. I know that's me. Actually, I haven't done it yet because he gets furious and I don't want that wrath. Right, so he's pissed at me.

I'll talk to him. And then you would say, but but i mean he does have a point and then i yell i don't even know what's going on we shot this yeah this is this is an episode where i'm like you i think you say your dad is pissed at us for the for the giraffe thing this is the one that ends with like a delivery man yelling at us in mandarin holding up a a duck yeah he's mad at you for the duck thing yes exactly and then a month later you just replied say you show up to work in a hospital gown you walked out during a surgery that's solid i feel like we used that at some point. I don't think so.

Yeah, I guess not during a surgery. We had you come in with botched nose surgery, I think. Walking in in a hospital gown would actually be pretty good. There's an idea here where you say, I get jury duty, and you're the one on trial. That also would have been very funny. Does anyone know this man here's one i'm planking somewhere dangerous and get hurt i feel like we might have added that to like a long story one you tried to plank on the subway well you did say that you said you plank and get trampled by people on a crosswalk and then you said also golfing and you keep farting

that was your right idea so what if we go all these could work and you get and you keep farting i feel like we've been doing uh on our patreon like writing episodes like we wrote a thanksgiving scroll we wrote jake and amir christmas party new episodes we can we should do this as a segment it's like choosing one of these uh choosing one of these ideas and then trying to write it make an episode out of it yeah IRL okay all right let's try to find one we didn't we didn't write I think here's one where you find out tipping isn't mandatory we did write that one yeah I start a food blog and the recipes give everybody food poisoning that That's pretty perfect.

Like I come into work and nobody's there. Wow. Bye today. Yeah, I wonder why. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I got Jardia last week. Yeah, no, I'm not surprised. Everybody that tried your new recipe has chardia is that so

which one the one for waffles or the uh chicken blood tahini it probably wouldn't matter because the one for waffles actually has chicken guts uncooked in it as well yeah both of your recipes Chicken cutlet, medium rare, butter, biscuits, a pinch of salt, a pinch of giardia. You take a shit and don't wash your hands. You have pink eye, by the way. That's not pink eye. That's au jus. I guess the real question is how you convinced everybody to do this recipe. Well, the pictures looked really good, actually.

Yeah, you would have had to have like a pseudonym. You had a pen name. Yeah, or I invited everybody over for a dinner party. For a cooking class. Yeah. Oh, that's good. That's guys funny i had a cooking class yesterday now everyone is not at work today i guess everybody decided to be an amateur chef uh no a lot of people are in the hospital and the ones that are not

are fucking hunched over a toilet right now yeah really let me i guess i should uh i guess i shouldn't wear this anymore you open your jacket there's a shit stained uh apron is that what you cooked in the next idea in here kind of works for this is i say jake has the stomach flu and i come over to your house and pretend like you're just depressed. All right, get up, get up. I lift you out of bed and you puke down my back. Whoa, you got to change your attitude. Let's seize today by the horns. Opening up the window, I have a splitting migraine.

I'm not letting you mope anymore. I got to get you out of this bomb. I'm chilled to the the bone you're shaking to have anxiety or something i think i'm dead man because of you dead uh i mean there's there's this is just a treasure trove of ideas that we may or may not have ever used. Yeah. You come into work excited, you say, and you told me Jon Stewart was on the subway. And as we're talking, there's a news story on the radio that Jon Stewart was attacked on the subway.

Okay, here's one you G-chatted to me. I just started laughing at myself in the elevator thinking of this Jake and Amir. We're at a Starbucks and I'm trying to order a Jack and Diet. We did share this one too. Yeah. That's the one where I'm hitting on the lady and then I get down and big dance and hit my head. You say two Jack and Diets and what do you want?

Vodka Cran? I say it's 9 a.m. Come on, man. You asked me to meet you here for a breakfast meeting. Then you say two Jack and Diets and a 9 a.m. Because I say it's 9 a.m. Come on, man. You asked me to meet you here for a breakfast meeting. Then you say two Jack and Diets and a 9 a.m. Because I say it's 9 a.m. Do we use that joke in the video? Probably.

That's really funny. What do you want? Vodka Cran? It's 9 a.m. All right, two Jack and Diets and a 9 a.m. Like you think it's a cocktail. Just Grey Goose and espresso. Then then you order can i get an oatmeal then for this princess two jack and diets and a red eye you and this is another pitch you have

you and somebody having a really serious conversation i walk into the room and you guys stop talking i'm holding a two liter bottle of soda and i start opening it a little and you hear the noise leak for 30 seconds we never shot this i loved this idea oh i think that that's like the uh moment of silence the same idea of like me eating chips everyone is completely quiet i open the bottle it just sprays everywhere for for a minute. Wow, here's a snapshot in time. You send me an idea for Economic Crisis Part 2 in 2011. And I say, great call. It turns out in the end, I understand it less than you do.

What was that crisis? I already forget. So do I. And then I say, then there's a joke about you being a member of the tea party which is another snapshot and it does make sense because eventually you uh you've come out for trump yeah at one point you say you should come in having been at occupy wall street and i think you're protesting with them but it turns out you were pepper spraying protesters and telling them to get a job. So I,

I kind of have always had conservative leanings on the show, but I'm going to occupy wall street. They're still there. Yeah. All right. I mean, this is a treasure trove. We can come back to it and keep writing,

but we did write a few new episodes on our Patreon. So if you want to listen slash watch us come up with episodes on the fly that's true patreon.com slash j a ja oh here's one that we did use i love you say i love how sad it is to eat at tgi fridays alone and try to request a birthday clap that can be our location they start clapping and you get excited but it's for someone else wow that's really good do we i know we use the birthday clap oh and it was for someone else right you watch them you say it's also my birthday and you and they like she says happy birthday like well you say the other table right uh yeah he's four. And Dan.

My name is Daryl, and I'm adopted. I'm adopted. Yeah, that's like, it's such a long, they do a whole song, and they're like, they sing your whole birthday song, and then they say roll call, and all of the wait staff introduce themselves. Can we watch that real quick? Let's watch it real quick. We already watched it on Patreon.

I have to see it. I think it's called Jake and Amir Waitress. All right, pulling it up. You want to watch the whole episode? Fuck it, why not? How is my tweet doing? Kind of stalled out at 36. 36?

All right, yeah. We'll definitely watch the whole entire episode. Maybe you can retweet while we watch. See if you get it over the finish line. Okay, that's a good idea. Let me log into X, formerly Twitter. You need 14 more likes in the next, I don't know, five minutes? Yeah.

Well, I liked it, so there's 37. Okay. What do you think about that? Oh, you just unliked it it's down to 32 no i didn't no way no they knew they knew that i was gaming the system so it's suppressing it oh wow somebody said great tweet hello segments so they sniffed it out and they still liked it did you retweet oh we got one retweet it's you that's me okay yeah all right ready yeah here's uh jake and amir waitress oh you say my name wrong so your mom doesn't know about us what great start hey hey hey hey making a weird face i just wanted to check in

on the status of my meal. I ordered it and now I'm feeling lonely and horny without it. Yep. Chicken fried noodles. Wow. Yeah. Medium rare. And a martini.

I just took your order less than 30 seconds ago, so it's going to be about 15 minutes. Cool. And if you care to join me, you can. Oh, actually I can. I'm not allowed to. But you want to? I'm not allowed to, nor would you care to join me, you can. Oh, actually, I can. I'm not allowed to. But you want to? I'm not allowed to, nor would I want to. Rawr!

Fair enough. Excuse me. Why, did you fart? No. Okay. I'm harassing this woman. Of course. To tweet or not to tweet.

Oh. That is the question. Hey, Jake, it's me. What if you tweeted the tweet? Fuglies, come on by. Later. Hey, Micah, it is the question. Hey Jake, it's me. What if you tweeted the tweet? Come on by. Later. Hey Micah, it's Amir.

Your brother did not pick up the phone. I assume he's dead. I'm sorry to have to tell you that, but he's probably long gone. If you hear from him, have him call me. Okay, I'm at PGI Fuglies. Bye. Mrs. Hurwitz, Amir. Freaking.

No, speaking. Both your sons are being coward factories. Have them call me back immediately. Shirley, hi. Amir sons are being coward factories. Have them call me back immediately. Shirley, hi. I'm here from Connecticut, police department. I have reason to believe that your neighbor, or I know for a fact that all of your neighbors are dead. Oh, and if it's not too much trouble, it is my birthday.

Oh, happy birthday. Yeah, well, I don't know if you got... Yep, you grab her wrist. ...dancing and clapping and all that jazz, but... Usually for parties. Party of one. Okay, I guess we could. Just give me a second. Thanks, doll. Appreciate it.

Yeah, don't call me that. Okay, didn't, though. I didn't call you that. Mr. Lewis, hi. I'm here at Blumenfeld here. Sorry to tell you, but your wife is a tramp and your sons are a coward. Call me back at 1-900- How about you don't? Ready? Okay.

Happy birthday, yeah. Happy birthday, yeah. It's your birthday, yeah. I'm sad. What's your name? How old are you? No. Let's break it down now. My name is Jessica. I'm a Gemini. My name is Terrence. I'm adopted.

D for effort. That felt forced. Leave the cake and get out of my face. Chloe you can stay. But only if you want to. I'm good. Hey, hey dude. Are you alright?

Scared to join me? Moo-oo-ah-ah-ah. You tweeted you were going to kill yourself in a PGI fuglies bathroom. Shame. Yeah, you are. Will you stop calling my family, okay? Did you... did you tell them it was your birthday? If you're asking whether or not I got a free cake... I'm not.

I did. Sad. Okay, you know what? Park it right here, brother. No, I'm not gonna sit on your lap. Can I get you something? Yeah, he's gonna have the same thing as me and it's his birthday, so sit on his face. Oh, good stuff.

That's it. You just go to cry at the end, huh? When in doubt, we cry at the end. Yeah. cry at the end huh when when in doubt we cry at the end yeah um that's i i know we i believe we said this on we said as much on patreon but um wow first of all i have to say that my people just went to 50 and you signal boosted it to be sure over the finish line yeah wow it feels good i'm not gonna lie it feels really good yeah what am i supposed to say that it doesn't feel amazing to barely hit 50 viral no not viral be at the epitome of the comedy game king of the internet did it after all these years twice i did it 25 i did it when i'm 35 you know like that's my shit it seems like as i

get older the jokes just get better the zing how insane is it that two of my uncles were in the lemon lemon party photo 36 like 100 and that's right I think that's pretty fucking neat. Dope, actually. I actually think that's meaningful as hell to me. And I want to say thank you to the lovers and the haters, but especially to the likers, to those likers that got me at not one, not two, not three, four, three four five six not seven

yes no we got it 53 11 yes 12 13 yeah 14 15 that's quite enough probably you don't have to finish 29 30 still far 31 32 yeah 33 4 5 6 36 37 40 yeah but at this point i should finish i count it probably yeah because it seems like you're not going to stop 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 and now we are up to not 51 not 52 not 53 not 54 but 50 fucking five and the the gifts keep on giving for me 56 i'm weeping at this record i'm weeping i can't even finally won your first bed of the pod venmo me 56 dollars you piece of shit 56 i said 50 yeah but for one look we said dollar for every life yeah you try to get to 50 for 50 i wouldn't give you more just like i wouldn't expect less unbelievable okay all right so yeah there were there were some jake and am and there were some lonely and horny

references in the um in that video yes literally you say lonely and horny but also you're drinking a cosmo which which ruby jade drinks exclusively in that series correct very cool okay that's it thank you for watching thank you for listening If you have your own segment suggestions, please tweet slash leave a comment on YouTube. Yes. Yes. Oh, or just send us a tick tock of another funny duo whose ideas we can borrow for the moment really.

And then give right back. Yeah. Yeah. Just, just using them briefly yeah um and we'll be back of course next week hell yeah ciao for now everybody bye that was a hit gum original