Segments - 2: Bounce

Episode Date: May 16, 2013

In today's episode we discuss long distance relationships, working out, and most importantly, cats. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I

got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia.

You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish.

You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad.

Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show starts now. Wow. Holy crap. That was better than yours.

That was, you know, they were both equally good in their own way, I think. Well, yeah, that one was better at being good than yours was. At being bad, maybe. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast show on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir Blumenfeld. And I am Jake Hurwitz. That's right. And today we're going to do, you know, more of the same.

If you listened to our first episode, thank you so much. The response has been overwhelming. We are so thrilled with how everybody's enjoying it. We love reading the tweets and the emails. And it's going so well. We were going to do an episode every Monday, but we thought let's keep the momentum going and do a show on Thursday. Holy shit. What a mistake. Can you believe that? And now we've oversaturated the market.

Suddenly we're not a hot show anymore. We're a piece of crap. We're a piece of garbage trash. Thanks for letting us know, Internet. Yes, thank you so much for everything. And as always, we're going to be reading emails that we received from you guys that were sent to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Yes, we got many emails, and we're going to answer as many questions as we can. But I guess if we don't answer yours, don't feel bad because it just means we got a lot of email. And we saved all the questions, so hopefully we'll get to as many of them as possible. That's right. I mean, or your question was so dumb, we don't even want to waste anybody's time by repeating it on the show.

That was probably it. You wasted our time, and we won't waste anybody else's. All right. Let's get to it. Oh, the intro. Oh, yeah. We totally forgot. The new intro was

written by Gabe Wolf in the first episode. Well the intro was written by Jake Hurwitz. It was covered by Gabe Wolf. Well in his own haphazard way I suppose. He did it so much better than you I would say it's rewriting. Jake did the intro for the first episode and we

used that as a call to action trying to get more talented musicians to record their own action trying to get more talented musicians to record their own theme songs. Equally talented musicians. And we got so many great ones, we're going to try playing a couple during the show. We don't want to commit to one yet because they're all so good,

but Gabe might have been our favorite. Right. And like always, if you have any music ability similar to my own or surpassing my own, though I can't imagine, send them to us as well, and we'll check them out and maybe play them to introduce the show. All right. First question. Are you ready for this one, as always?

Actually, no. I might head out. Jesus, man. Yeah. I'm thinking about bouncing. I know we set up the mics. We needed half an hour of your time. I know.

And I'm just like, i took half an hour to kind of set everything up so now i'm i'm bouncing yeah oh my god you asked i'm gonna bounce if you call it bouncing it doesn't sound quite like i'm abandoning you yeah i really i'm sorry i gotta bounce babe i know no like i really really need you i know and i want to be there for you but shoot i have to bounce more than anything i have to bounce right now i you have to reply i if anybody ever has all right uh no i hate to let you down like i always wanted to be there for you but i gotta bounce a piece out at a funeral um all right so this is question number one as always we're going to preserve the anonymity of you guys by creating names out of the blue.

So this one was written by Kardik Minst. Kardik Minst writes, Whoa, dude, you used his real name. No, no, no, that was a fake one. I am a male in high school. I recently caught my best friend's girlfriend cheating on him. We have been really close friends for a long time, and I know how upset he would be if he found out. Yeah. Should I tell

him about this or should I let him find out about it on his own eventually? I already talked to the guy she slept with and trust me, he got what he deserved. Any advice? He got what he deserved. Yeah, what did you do?

Don't worry about him him his body's rotting in a ditch somewhere but do i tell my friend or let him find out on his own i know i'm gonna be arrested soon yeah there's blood under my fingernail so someone's gonna find out he uh he got what he deserved i high-fived him and called him a pimp yo man you you are the bomb. You just stole my friend's girl. She's a smoke show. You're a Casanova and a pimp.

So my question is, how do I befriend this Casanova hero and drop my loser friend who can't keep a girl in line? He already got what he deserved, which is a blue ribbon and a BJ from the most amazing girl at my high school,

my friend's ex-girlfriend. Now tell me what I deserve. A friend who's not a loser. Oh, gosh. So next question. That answers that. Folding the computer, jumping out of the window.

I gotta bounce. Against the concrete. So any advice? If you saw someone cheating on your friend's girlfriend cheating on him, would you tell your friend? Would I tell my friend? Geez. Yeah, I think you have to. Yeah.

I think you definitely have to yeah i think you gotta tell your i think you definitely definitely have to tell his friends because if you're worried about his feelings like i don't want to tell my friend because it will hurt his feelings think about how hurt his feelings will be when he does find out finds out that you knew and didn't tell him and let him look like a chump dating a girl who was not faithful to him yeah and, who's your allegiance to here? It's like you're covering up for the girl to... For this Casanova hero. This amazing guy. I don't want to blow up this dude's spot.

He's a freaking king. I'm going to look like the troll nerd who ruined amazing number one high school guy's life. What makes you think he's in high school? This other guy's the history teacher. Well, it starts with I'm a male in high school. Yeah, no, the other guy, dude. Oh.

The guy stealing that girl. You've got to be in college. Or like, you know, not in college, but not in high school. He's in junior high. Yeah. He still drives a Chrysler LeBaron, though. 13 years old, riding a 21-year-old car. I'm in seventh grade, yeah.

And I took your girl to my bar mitzvah. So I guess our advice is that if I were you, I would definitely tell your friend, because, yeah, he can't get mad at you. He can only be happy that... And if anything, this will bring you guys closer together.

Yeah, dude. You're a faithful friend, unlike his girlfriend, who's an unfaithful friend. Frenemy. All right. That was good. That was great. Jeez.

I'm sorry. Don't toot your own horn like that. You absolutely have to bounce. I'm sorry. It's also funny if you're kicking someone out. Yeah, I'm afraid I'm bouncing you out of here. You know what? Frankly, you've overstayed your welcome, and I'd like you to bounce.

I absolutely will not bounce. I'll stay as long as I goddamn well please. He got what he deserved. I forcibly bounced him out of my life. Ah, question two. This one comes to us from DeJordanMolasses. DeJordanMolasses. I own a cat.

It constantly wants to cuddle with me, but I'm allergic. Help, what do I do? Well, I'll tell you what you shouldn't have done. You shouldn't have got a cat. I'm allergic? Sorry. You're writing in for advice a little too late. What the email should have said is,

Hi, I'm DeJordan Molasses, and I'm thinking about getting a cat, but I'm allergic. Is that the stupidest thing I can do? The answer is obviously yes. Although there's a follow-up. I'm allergic to key lime pie. I just ate an entire slice, and now my throat's swelling shut. I'm on the way to the hospital, but uh-oh, the ER doctor was a freaking cat. What should I do?

I'm having a weird fever dream. Get rid of the cat. Get rid of the cat. You know what you could do is you can replace him with literally any other cat because all cats are interchangeable. That is... Coming from a dog person that's low i guess also like you try to find a less needy cat or there's a there's hairless brands this is all irrelevant though because you already have the cat you shouldn't like if you're allergic to

cats you should oh like i'm gonna find a cat that doesn't like cuddling i'm gonna find a cat that doesn't shed i'm not gonna get a cat there There might be medicines for you, but it's too late. You're typing this email with your swollen fingers as you're just slowly dying from inhaling cat fur. Get rid of the cat. Get rid of the cat. Kill the cat. Kill the cat.

Whoa. Make the cat bounce. Bounce the cat. All right. Question the third comes from a lady named fence l oh she sounds like a sexy lady hey amir and jake my brother my brother is thinking about buying a motorcycle but i think it's too dangerous he wrecked every single car he's owned and has miraculously survived them all Yeah. No, you, I mean, you shouldn't even, it sounds like he might not be, you know, fit to drive a car. He's wrecked every single car he's owned. My brother had a Subaru station wagon, but he came too close to death. Now it's broken.

Should he get a car with open sides and two wheels? He's wrecked every... How many cars would that be? You don't say he's wrecked every car he's owned if it happens just once or twice. Right. He's wrecked the two family cars. No, it sounds like he's wrecked every single car. At least five

cars. And not just an accident. He's wrecked them. Wrapped them around a tree. Miraculously survived. Also, that sounds like he's miraculously survived while many other people have been killed. Actually, the advice that I would give is, yeah, give him a motorcycle. I don't think he

deserves to live anyway. He's just going to ride it into some sort of Grand Canyon and kill himself, I guess. Behind the wheel, he's just like, he's a manslaughterer. He's a demon. He's a demon behind the wheel of any car with a seatbelt, so let's give him one without one. Right. A motorcycle is it's completely open on two wheels and like in a car you know you have you have a seatbelt airbags hard roofs like a

windshield that's designed not to like explode it's pretty crazy that motorcycles are a thing anyway you're just like there's no way those should be legal it's so much more dangerous than like you have anything like you have a helmet sometimes on a motorcycle. Yeah. Or a leather jacket. Yeah. Oh, I've got a leather jacket and a helmet, and I'm going 85 miles per hour weaving in between cars and trucks. That's a law.

You can do that. Or like, yeah, it's click it or tick it. If you're riding in a car, you have to wear a seatbelt. Or the alternative is to strap yourself into a death rocket and just go on the freeway that's cool too fine so either demon rocket or please please please buckle up we we love you we're concerned for your life it's absolutely nuts how many more dangerous things are illegal than motorcycles i guess any drug right well not all the drugs are illegal smoking is legal and alcohol.

Smoking, you know, tobacco and alcohol are both dangerous. It's legal to have two beers and ride on a motorcycle. Is that true? I mean, I guess so, right? If your alcohol level is below the legal limit and motorcycles are legal. Well, let's do it. I want to live. Why are we recording a freaking podcast?

This is the tamest shit we can do. I don't even understand why wearing a helmet is a law on a motorcycle. You're dead, right? Like, hey, man, you've got to wear a helmet if you're on that motorcycle because when a truck runs over your head, the helmet will protect you. It absolutely will not. There's no other safety precaution on a motorcycle. Why make them wear a helmet?

Because when you fall out of your motorcycle going 85 on the highway, just tumbling down, running into a car, you're going to need a helmet. Yeah, you don't want to bump your noggin on the way down. Ow, I freaking clipped my skull against the freeway and that was the only major

damage that happened to me. So I guess our advice is if you love your brother and want him to survive, he definitely shouldn't be riding a motorcycle. If you can't handle is if you love your brother and want him to survive, he definitely shouldn't be riding a motorcycle. If you can't handle something with four wheels, don't give him something with two. Oh, that's a really good little tidbit. You should make that a bumper sticker. If I can't handle something with four wheels,

don't give me something with two. It's like a really tame version of Fast and Furious. That is the bumper sticker of the girl who's, of the guy who has his girlfriend cheating on him with that Casanova. That Casanova from our first question is definitely riding a motorcycle, just pulling people's girlfriends. And the two nerds who are speaking about how dangerous it is into a microphone feeding into a computer are the guys without motorcycles. Our girlfriends are somewhere cheating on us right now with that 13-year year old in seventh grade here's a good time to um play another

awesome intro song that was given to us by matt gilroy this one was also really awesome let's hear it let's hear it if i were you podcast show if i were you podcast show if i were you i'd take a break with amir and Jake. Listen to the podcast show. IfIWereYouShow.com I like that one because it's got that plug for the website. Yeah, it's got the hey dude at the end. And watch out for those killer cacti. It's just like the little western aside.

Oh my god, hey dude theme song. I assume that's what he based it on. Of course. There's like the cowbell in there, too. It was really nice. Yeah. He has a cool attitude. In fact, I'd like to hang out with you.

He's currently on a motorcycle right now recording another song. Now he's dead. What was his name? Did we say it? Yeah, Matt Gilroy. Matt Gilroy. Thank you very much. That was awesome.

The only weird thing about that one is that he called it the podcast show. Right. Listen to the podcast show. That could be any show. It thing about that one is that he called it the podcast show. Right. Listen to the podcast show. That could be any show. It's also the first time he's ever heard of a podcast. What's this new country yokel? What's this confounded podcast show? I guess I'll write a song about it.

Listen to the podcast show. Watch out for them jackrabbits. So, yeah, keep sending us songs and we'll just make fun of you for 30 seconds. How is that fair? Thanks for sharing your time and talent with us. Time to take a big, fat load of dookie on your chest. Now we're going to nitpick the one thing you did wrong. We're small.

We're small losers. All right, question number four. How are we doing on time? How are we doing on time? How are we doing on time? Uh-oh, four hours. Holy sheesh. We're 15 minutes in, and we want to keep it to around half an hour. That's the magic hour.

The magic half hour. Yeah. Let's take a mental break and just complete silence so everybody thinks the podcast is kind of broken. Did my phone die? All right. Question number four. This one comes to us, this question comes to us

from Professor Van Strassenberg. Yeah, that was a name that he gave us. Which is pretty good. You can provide your own fake name. Hey, I'm here, Jake. Going on a vacation with a friend and a group of her friends who I have never met.

Sounds dangerous so far. Hoping to make a move on my friend whilst we're down there. However, would this be considered a bad first impression upon the ex-boyfriend who is part of the group that I don't know? From your long-term admirer in England, Professor Von Strausenberg. Sorry. He's going on vacation with a friend and a group of her friends who he's never met. Sorry. He's going on vacation with a friend and a group of her friends

who he's never met. Yeah. One of these friends includes the ex-boyfriend and he's wondering if it's going to make a bad impression that he makes a move on this girl on this vacation. That's correct. I mean, yeah. I guess, yeah, but why do you care

I'm going on vacation the last thing I want to do is just make a bad impression of this girl's ex-boyfriend who I've never met who's also on this vacation for some reason what a terrible vacation this girl is planning it's actually nine of her ex-boyfriends and this one dude

that's into her you sadistic ass, you woman I've got two questions Can I sleep in your bed tonight? And why did you bring me here? You tempstress You mean, mean woman That's the weirdest situation I've ever heard

Maybe that's how they do it in England They just create weird reality show type uh vacation circumstances this is the name of this is a reality show right now this is like some kind of like weird contest like how long can you stay on this horrible vacation with the girl you like and her ex-boyfriend what a weird weird time that must be what's our advice what's your i guess the advice is who gives a sheesh if you you have a bad first impression upon the ex-boyfriend? I like that it's a bad first impression, too. It's like you're going to have a long relationship with this guy that you don't want to start off on the wrong foot.

Why are you going on this trip? My advice is to just be like, I don't know if I should come. It sounds like... No, no, no know if I should come. It sounds like... No, no, no. He's definitely going. It's all your friends and your ex. Are you sure you want me there? I haven't met any of them.

I am invited. Okay. I'm going to pack my bags. I'm afraid I'm going to want to kiss you and then your ex-boyfriend will see it. In our long relationship, we'll start off on the wrong foot. Also, maybe examine this through the lens of maybe she doesn't want you to make this move if she's inviting you on vacation with her ex. No, I mean, if she's inviting him on vacation, she's not annoyed by him.

I guess that's true. I would think so. So I would say go for it, make the move, or you can wait until you're back from the vacation. You don't have to make the move while you're on vacation. Right. Yeah, you know, go with your gut, which so far has gotten you into this situation. So let's trust it. Although if I were you, I would not

go on the vacation. If I were you, as much as I'm making fun of you, if I were you, I would go on the vacation and full on make a move. But then you'd make an enemy out of her ex-boyfriend who could be your next best friend. He's going to be the best man at the wedding. That's for sure. right moving right along question number five number five looking alive

we should do a rhyme like that no we don't have to okay uh that's what a big pushover you are yeah whatever i'm editing the podcast myself throwing it in it's clearly cut in there after the fact i just take your laughter from a different joke and splice it in number five keep it alive i just moved to the middle of butt f nowhere in ohio for my internship and i'm extremely bored with nothing to do this is coming from an ohio state email account so i hate to do some like investigative work but it's coming from Columbus, Ohio. I'm extremely bored with nothing to do.

I finished exploring, and the internet here makes an hour show on Netflix take four hours to download. What should I do? Don't say masturbate. Shit. He said don't say masturbate. We could still say it. This is coming from a guy we like to call Skinny Dennis. We thought it would be fun if we could set him up on a friend date.

Right. We don't have any actual advice aside from that he's got to meet people. And the way we thought that we could help him is if you go to Ohio State or live in Columbus and you're looking for a friend because you're also bored and tired of masturbating and waiting four hours for your Netflix movies to load, email us at ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com and we will set you up

with Skinny Dennis on a friendship date. Just a friend date. I mean, you guys already have something in common. You listen to this podcast. There you go. We will set you up on a vacation with Skinny Dennis and his ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Yes. That'd be fun. And if you do go on a friendship date with him, please email us and let us know how it goes.

God, I really hope he doesn't end up murdering someone. I'm going to feel slightly guilty about that. Yeah, we'll have like slightly guilty. You would have orchestrated the entire thing. I think you could be tried in that case. Oh, God. Now I feel really bad. Let's listen to the third good song that we liked.

You guys, this is another example of a theme song. We still don't have a theme song, so we're asking smart and talented and musically inclined people to submit their own versions of what you think would be a good theme song. We didn't really give any parameters, but they should be 30 seconds or less, but all of these have been so far. Here's another good one from someone named Sarah Bush.

If I were you, would you be me too? What would we do maybe make out try it out you know the if i were you show solid we love it cute it was was that a ukulele you think i think well i guess it must have been yeah because girls don't know how to play guitars. Oh, that is your old. I'm going to bounce. I'm bouncing now. Oh, my God, Jake's bouncing. You dick.

You diva prick ass. And, you know, I'm going to bounce or you bounce. I feel like you just want to leave. One of us has to bounce. Do you have a doctor's appointment right now? You're clearly just trying to leave or bounce. I've seen'll be there in five minutes i swear to god since we sat down it's clearly have something to do with the fact that you just want to bounce i've got to bounce unfortunately that was a really cute song the one weird part is when i guess what you're gonna say

um where we would make out yeah if i If I were you, would we make out? That's sort of, yeah. That's a weird little mind bend right there. If I were you, would you be me too? That's cute. That's cute. But would we make out? So basically, if we traded bodies, would we make out?

I guess if we're currently making out, we would. Why would it be any different? If I were you, would we make out? No, probably not. I guess actually maybe though if i were somebody else and i saw myself i might want to make out with me just to see how i kiss i'm gonna i'm gonna flip the script and say i love that part it's my favorite fucking line because it's more philosophically interesting than anything else we've talked about on the show

all right we have a couple more minutes so let's get through a couple more questions couple more questions burn through them question number six number six staying alive oh i see that's just what you want to do yeah staying alive is how we move on to the next question what's the fastest possible way to get a six-pack don't make this a joke about going to the supermarket so i'm not fat i'm really lazy and i want to spend as few minutes as possible working out maybe you guys have some tips your friend i don't know what you want to call this guy um uh portrand portrand uh what do you got dale Dale. Portrand Dale. Writes, how do I get a six pack with working out as few?

I want to be, dude, I want to look fucking good and I don't want to put any effort in. Yeah, I guess everybody on earth could have emailed us that because that's what we all want. I don't want to work out. I just want to out. I don't want to work out i just want to out i don't want to work i want abs without doing anything for them yeah how do i get free abs well that's interesting whenever you see someone who's buff out and about i never think like oh this guy spends 20 hours a week working out but maybe that's what we're attracted to psychologically i see like when i go to the gym because i'll go to the gym for like you, you know, 25 minutes to half an hour.

I mean, a good day is like 45 minutes, you know. And, like, I'll walk in, go to the gym, do everything that I came to do, be tired, exhausted. And people will just, people that were there when I got there that looked like they'd been there for an hour are just staying another hour after I leave. And they're just jacked. Yeah. So you're like, oh, man, like, how do you get that body, man? You obviously don't work out, right? You obviously, how do you do that by spending the fewest amount of time here? And they're just the abs. The one part people can't see on a day-to-day basis. Just the abs.

The abs, I also think the abs are like the last, like that's your core muscle. That's like the hardest thing. The hardest thing you have to work out. Yeah. But no, I'd like to just, I'd like to just get it. So what would you say is the most efficient thing you can work out? The least amount of time for like the biggest physical difference. I think, well...

Like curling? Bicep curls? You know what you should do is pull-ups. Because pull-ups are really hard to do, but the more you practice them, the better you are at them. And if you can do 30 to 40 pull-ups in a set, like three to four sets of 10... That's really hard.

It's hard, but it'll change your body, and you'll look much better. But I think what you really should do, this is real advice, find an exercise that's fun for you. Because right now you're lazy. You don't like, obviously you don't like going to the gym.

Yeah. But there's like, you know, recreational activities that you might be able to get into. Maybe it's things that you haven't even tried yet. Yeah. And then you'll get fit and be having fun. It won't feel like you're working out.

Or have you ever like turned something lazy into a game? Like,'m gonna run during the first quarter of a basketball game then work out in the second quarter of a basketball game so like you can turn this podcast into some sort of like workout where you're like doing push-ups during the unfunny parts and pull-ups right now pull-ups during the five minutes to just give this guy a workout all right ready dude here you go you're gonna get on the ground this is a plank all right get in ready, dude? Here you go. You're going to get on the ground. This is a plank. All right, get in a push-up position. He never listens to it. I'm too lazy to download your second episode.

All right, we're almost out of time. Let's do one last question. Question number seven. Wow. We got through more questions this time than we did the first time. It'll never happen again. Hey, I'm Aaron Jake. Just finished my senior year of high school,

and I've recently met a girl that I like. We live in Long Island, and I'm going to University of Vermont, which is a six-hour drive from my house. The question is, should I get into a full-on relationship with her, considering the college is only three months away? If so, do I end the relationship before I go to college or try long distance? All right. So this is from, what was his name? Can't say his real name. What's his made-up name?

Sani. Sani San.-up name? Sani. Sani San. Sani San. Sani San. Let's give, so he wants to know if he should stay in a relationship with his girlfriend when he goes away to college. You know, it's a six-hour drive. Let's give advice that he should not follow right now. Oh, that's good.

All right. So, you know, you're like 16, 17, maybe 18. I think this girl might be the one. So, you know, you're like 16, 17, maybe 18. I think this girl might be the one. Yes, probably. I mean, what else? You've met everyone that you will. Sure, you're going to go to college, but who's there at college? You don't need new experiences in college.

You already had enough of those in high school. Exactly. You found the girl. I think it's worth the six-hour drive back and forth every weekend. That's nothing. Are you kidding? Even if it's like every weekend. I know for a fact that you can like figure out your schedule

so you like don't have classes on Friday. You can like leave Thursday night, get back late, late, late Thursday night or like early Friday morning. Yeah, and just have the weekend together. Yeah. And the best thing is that won't get tiresome or exhausting. No, of course not.

Like that's a fun thing to do. And you won't be tempted by anybody else in college. And you know, it's fun. Like when you're in college and you're like, want to go to a party, but like, no, I have to stay home and Skype with my girlfriend. That's fun. Exactly. That's fun to do that. That in college. And you know, it's fun. Like when you're in college and you're like, want to go to a party, but like, no, I have to stay home

and Skype with my girlfriend. That's fun. Exactly. That's fun to do that. That's college. Yeah. It's not going out and meeting new people

and experiencing new things. It's about, okay, I know what I like and I'm going to do that over and over. Stay with her. Stay with her.

Stay with her. Because obviously, I mean, honestly, she's probably the one at this point. If you haven't met the one at age 18.

I'm sure that this is what she wants, too. Yeah. She doesn't want new experiences. That's why it's actually true. This is what she wants, too. But sarcasm aside, break up with her in the next 30 seconds or you'll regret it. You should have already done it. You should have turned off the podcast.

Do it over text. I got to bounce, girl. This relationship has been hashtag dope, but I have to bounce. But now it's hashtag nope. Speaking of bouncing, it's time for us to bounce. Again, thank you so much for listening to, if you listened to the last episode or listening to this episode. We're doing so well, and it's all because of you guys. Yes, thank you so much.

It was crazy. The first night of our podcast, were the i don't know how itunes does the algorithm but we were the number one podcast in their little rank i think it's probably like a combination of views and uh how many ratings we have and like how often your mom listens to it or something so thank you thank you itunes yeah and screw all of you listeners all we need is iTunes. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I was getting at.

Go to hell. And if you want, you can always email us at ifiweryoushow at gmail.com, or you can listen to the show at ifiweryoushow.com. Is that it? What do you want to do? I guess we play out with the final song. Oh, the original song that we liked the most. No, wasn't there? There was another one with the disclaimer in it that we liked. Oh, okay. So here's the fourth song,

and it's by Kevin Hilt. I was about to make up a name, but he's an artist and we should share his real identity. I guess that's fair. So thanks, Kevin, and thanks everybody else for listening. This has been... If I were you, this is what I'd do, but please don't quote me on anything I say. I only heard it on a podcast by Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd be someone I'd hear.