Segments - 20: March Madness

Episode Date: March 18, 2024

In this episode Amir gives Jake a pop quiz, then they discuss food poisoning and workshop a Jake and Amir episode.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Jake and Amir, two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010, they were big on the internet, and all

things considered, their success is more than fair. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations. They swear! Second.

Another podcast. Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army knife of shows. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. I'm ready to go back to being insulted.

Yeah. It's too much. It's too nice. It's too good. It's too positive. And now the backlash to the backlash has now becoming overwhelming. So the original theme song was nasty to us

and people were like, it has to be nicer to you. Right. And now people are mad at this new nicer theme song. Yeah. Let's react to the reaction and send it back and put the old one back in action. That's really good. What about a third one?

Ooh. Yeah. We'll just keep on making Ferris do this and say it's all included in the original fee. It's all inclusive. It's all inclusive. If you read the fine print Ferris, you'll know. We have unlimited revisions and unlimited time. So we're requesting

yet another revision which is in the original scope of the work which you did do for internship experience if you remember 5.25 dollars per hour yes and we build it at a half an hour of work so you receive 275 in kind to create. And did you not get a lunch stipend? Or at the very least, you had access to the pantry where we have free snacks. I actually saw him taking a granola bar home. I slapped it out of his hand. Good.

Because I said you were taking advantage of our hospitality. Did he not take it home? Because I heard he took one and I invoiced him for it. You know what he did? I slapped it out of his hand and he grabbed it and he scurried off. I didn't even see where he went. I think he went to a fucking hole or something. I think he went to a ferret wheel or a Ferris wheel or a Monchi house or something like that.

Oh my God. It was all way, way, way too much. Yeah, way too much. Way too soon. Way too crass. Way too blue. Way too tacky. So what he does owe us is a third option slash iteration.

Let's not call it third and final. It's not a final though. It's not polished. It is not a final. It's not on vinyl. Yeah, this is just an iteration. And it's an iteration. And I'm wondering if it should be somewhere that splits the difference where it's like not necessarily mean or not necessarily nice.

Yeah, just a neutral theme. A neutral theme. A neutral. It's not positive or negative. It's just meet your two hosts. Yeah. Something like that. In 2010, they were fine on the internet.

Internet. Yeah. That's perfect. Yeah. Sort of a neutral theme hotel, if that makes sense. Right. Yes. Instead of a neutral milk hotel.

Yeah, I guess that is a band. Uh-huh. Anyway, welcome to segments. we're still in the lab slash studio that's why you feel a palpable energy that's true so if you're watching us this is the episode to start basically or I guess if you're listening this is the episode to start watching

we're on the YouTube so you can watch this entire thing and all of our episodes really we got some great segments today we do one of them I'm most excited about, and it's a little true or false game that I've concocted. It's a quiz. It's a quiz lit. It's a pop quiz, really, because you don't know that it was coming. No. And I'm telling you right now, this is a true or false game. And if you get them all right, which you won't do. Yeah.

It's impossible. Yeah. It's like the idea of calling 20 coin flips in a row. How many questions are there? Probably like 10 or so. Okay. I could get those all right. I'll even give you nine.

If you get nine of 10 correct, Yeah. I will kiss your ankle on video. So like it's sort of like a really demeaning thing. Yeah. Like there'll be a video of me just kissing your ankle and you can just be checking your phone. So like, it'll go viral

as like something I did. It'll go viral. Yeah. I was like, oh my God, what the hell is happening here? That's so weird. That's kind of fascinating. Well, I think for it to be- I really just want to kiss your foot. Yeah. For it to be interesting to me, I would need you to post it on your Instagram. So a video of me kissing your ankle on Instagram. Okay. And I'll do that if you get nine out of 10 correctly. All right. And no consequence if I don't, because it's obviously way too hard.

Yeah, it's way too hard. All right, great. Although now that I think about it, these are kind of a little bit easy. Really? Is there a theme? No, it's just sort of weird facts that I've either created or found by asking people or searching the web. Okay. And I really want that ankle kiss. And it sounds like you want it. Is there a world where we just start with the fucking kiss, get it out of the way, then we can do the whatever the kiss?

Let's kiss the ankle, let's take the video, and then it will be posted if I get nine. But we get the first two wrong. And it's like, all right. Shit. Well, now we have the kids. Let's start over. We get two mulligans and I can do eight out of 10. Yeah.

So six out of 10, which is still slightly above random, which is fine. Which is pretty good. Which is actually pretty good. iPhone has a trash. iPhone has a trash. So you know how in your computer you can drag things to the trash? Yeah. Your iPhone also has a trash. iPhone has a trash. So you know how in your computer you can drag things to the trash? Yeah. Your iPhone also has a trash.

True or false? Well, I know there's the recently deleted photos. So that is in a way a trash. But does your entire phone, like all the photos, any app, when you delete it, it all goes into this folder called the trash folder.

No, I'll say that's false. That's correct. That was false. iPhone does not have a trash. Okay. Great. Oh, shit. Why don't you kiss my knee now and we'll work your way down.

For every question I get right, you kiss one inch lower on my leg and then it'll finally get to the most embarrassing spot mine ankle but kissing my calf is fine mid shin that's okay and if you get it wrong i go up if i, I get all the way to your shoulder to kiss. Which is embarrassing for you. Data has weight. Huh? A full hard drive weighs more than an empty hard drive. Oh, I think that's true.

That is false. Oh, shit. All right, so I have to be perfect the rest of the time. And technically, it has like an electron, but those things are basically weightless. So a full hard drive weighs as much to us as an empty one. That's a good fact. Because I would have thought it was like barely, like it's imperceptibly heavier. But I would have believed that.

Yeah. Okay. We have taste buds elsewhere on our body, not just our tongue. So, like, I could taste something with my dick. I didn't say that. Because that's definitely false. But the things that we know as taste buds that we assume are only on our tongue actually exist elsewhere in our bodies. It sounds like I'll regret saying this because it's so, that's so out there to me that I can't think that it's true. And I'm going to say false. It's true. We do have taste buds elsewhere in our

bodies. Did it say where? Yeah. They said it's definitely in other parts of your mouth, like your cheeks and the palate of your mouth. Not that you can necessarily taste. But you have taste buds there. How did you phrase this question? You have taste buds elsewhere in your body. Elsewhere in your body other than I wouldn't – I thought we were talking about mouth. Other than the tongue. Okay.

But there are – Of course, yeah, in your mouth. I will say there's some in your anus. No? Yeah, that's what I found, that there are some in your anus. And then the follow-up question was like, so you can taste stuff with your anus? And it's like, no, not necessarily because it's not like directly linked to your brain. Fine, fine, fine.

Okay, let's just call the first three ones practice because honestly, data has weight also was very like kind of 50-50 as the stuff I found online. Right, okay. If I run a perfect game from here, I get that ankle kiss. Okay, the next few ones are objective. They're not like kind of a gray area like that. But again, if you learned one thing, it's that data has weight that's so electronically insignificant that it doesn't. And you do have taste buds in your anus, but you can't actually taste with that. You can't taste with your ass. Don't try that at home.

Correct. Okay. Here's one that's very cut and dry. Dogs are the most popular pet in America. In America, are dogs more popular than cats, more popular than snakes, more popular than gerbils and goldfish? I think fish might be more popular than dogs. Let's go ahead and say false. It's true. I know it's true. But we can't be talking about per capita per volume people probably have more fish than dogs. Because if you have one fish, you have a dozen. Are they even counting

fish? I don't think so. If I run a perfect game from here, I do have to lick your toe. Yeah, so far you're technically one of four. Okay, that's not bad. Which is honestly more impressive than going like three of four. Because you're doing really, really poorly. Beets are known as nature's multivitamin.

No, I don't think they are at all. Because beets are not that good. That is correct. Eggs are known as nature's multivitamin. Good on nature. Eggs. There once was a president named John Tyler. That sounds familiar.

I'll go ahead and say true. That's correct. Nice. He was our 10th president. 10th, not bad. What did Johnny T get up to? He killed himself in the White House. Yeah.

Only president to do that. Wow. I was surprised I didn't hear about that more. Kind of neat. Yeah. You mostly hear about the assassinations. There are ones he self-assassinated. Really?

Only president to do that. Is it an assassination if a world leader kills? Did Hitler assassinate himself? No, I don't think. That's correct. Oh, wow. There once was a vice president named George Clinton. Ooh.

Let's take a break. Jake's going to think about this for a second. Now, that's fascinating. Did he have a pet fish? He did. Oh, maybe he's not real, so I can't say either way. Oh, did you try to trip me up with a fake? I'll say no, there was not.

Now you're sipping nervously. That's really tricky. No, there was not a vice president named George Clinton. Yeah, false. That's incorrect. It's true. There was a vice president named George Clinton. When?

In the early 1800s. I should have known that. It sounded familiar. At this point, I'm afraid I won't even shake your leg. I'm totally out on this kiss, aren't I? It's just not going to happen today. It's not going to happen for me. Three left.

Okay. And they're fun. Yeah. Butterflies were originally called flutterbys. That's, no. No, they were not. Oh, wait, but flutterby, they do flutterby. They do flutterby, don't they?

But do they butterfly? Hmm. Flutter bys. Were they originally called flutter bys? You could phone a friend. Can I? It's going to have to be Casey. It sounds too cute, too cheeky.

And for some reason, I just don't buy it. I'll say false. That is correct. All right. That was from Avital, who actually did think that they were called flutterbys, but then when we looked it up, that's just an old wives' tale. Wow. But honestly, they should be called flutterbys.

I guess so. Because butterflies makes no sense. Right. Flutterbys is perfect for them. Yeah. Butter-fly. Yeah, I know. Like, what? What is that talking about? It's a nothing burger. It's a flutterby's is perfect for them. Yeah. Butterfly. Yeah, no. Like what?

What is that talking about? It's a Flutterby, yeah. 51 is a prime number. Remind me what a prime number is. It's like a number like seven that's only divisible by itself and one. Oh, yeah. Ten is not a prime number because it's divisible by five, two. True.

51 is a prime number. Yes. It it's divisible by 5, 2. True. 51 is a prime number. Yes. It's only divisible by 1 and itself. I literally can't think of anything else that would even remotely divide 51. It's incorrect. Yeah. 51 is not. Yeah.

Totally. 3. Yeah. I know. That's what I was going to say. 3. 48 is divisible by 3. 45 is divisible by 3.

And 51 is divisible by 3. I know. But what would you divide it by? 17 and 3 yeah yeah that's exactly right correct

yeah then we agree kiss last one my soul on my shoe lick my

watch and watch my lick nice a flutter by style last one yeah and this one's really cheeky. Yeah.

Nothing's right I'm torn. I'm all out of faith. This is how I feel. Torn by Natalie Imbruglia is a cover. That's Imbruglia slander. You're calling that song

unoriginal? It's not a cover. That is false. Incorrect. Natalie. In the early 90s. Natalie, you lied to me! Let me get this right, but Natalie Imbruglia covered Torn

Oh my God. by a band in the early 90s called, gosh. Oh, Edna Swap. Edna Swap. Edna Swap. Interesting. Yeah. That's crazy.

Edna Swap. Edna Swap, Torn. It sounds almost entirely like Natalie Imbruglia's version. I don't know why just like eight years later she covered it and it was such a hit. Yeah. But I guess that's how it goes sometimes. I just lost a lot of respect for Miss Imbruglia. Yeah, this sounds like Imbruglia doing a more metal version of her song.

Yeah. Seemingly identical. Man, great song. Really great song. I couldn't believe it was a cover. Also from Avital. So thanks to Avital. Thanks to you.

I think you got less than half correct? Yeah. The George Clinton one was certainly incorrect. 51 a prime number. The dog thing. It was a bad start and you didn't stick the landing either. A kiss was on the line and I botched it. Yeah. I think your hottest streak was Beats not being a nature's multivitamin.

Yeah. And John Tyler. Straight into John Tyler. Right. Which was really good. And I think those were the only ones I got. Flutterbys was correct. You got that one right. Oh, yeah. Flutterbys. Okay. Yeah. Although that one is honestly, borderline should be true. Right. Which was really good. And I think those were the only ones I got. Flutterbys was correct. You got that one right.

Oh, yeah. Flutterbys. Okay. Yeah. Although that one is honestly, borderline should be true. Right. That was fun. No, it wasn't.

Because you're playing. No, it wasn't. That was embarrassing to me. I was. Yeah. That was, it was hard to play the math thing. That wasn't, that wasn't right. You embarrassed me.

You came at me. You set me up to fail. You knew I wasn't going. You embarrassed me. You came at me. You set me up to fail. You knew I wasn't going to do well there. That's why you put the kiss on the line because you knew I wanted it and you knew you weren't going to have to do it. So now I'm sad that I'm not getting kissed. I'm sad that I look pretty stupid on camera in front of Casey. On Reddit for sure. Yeah, in front of a lot of people.

The one thing I got right was the dog thing. You didn't get the dog thing. You said fish. That's pretty messed up. That's pretty messed up. And Torn is one of my favorite songs. And now I actually know a fact that I wish I didn't. That's one of the worst parts.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name

through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.

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Thank you, Squarespace. And we've returned. Indeed. Finally, another tale of illness. Another body woe story. Yeah, you were, we were supposed to do something on Friday, and then on Thursday, you got violently ill. Yeah. Um, I got food poisoned, everybody.

I thought by the end of the story it was not food poisoning, but let's take us through poisoning. I'm now back around to thinking it was food poisoning. So take us to the start, the beginning. Okay. So very beginning. Yeah. I'm, first of all, just feeling on top of the world. You're in LA for a week. I'm in LA. The sun is shining.

Things are good. We've got the baby. We've got Jill. Jill's mom is visiting. She's looking after the baby. We're like, oh, you know what? Let's, wow, we don't even do this back at home. Let's go get breakfast together. That's nice. We go off, we get coffee. Yeah. We eat raw eggs. We eat raw salmon. It was a really cute interaction that food poisoned us in the first place. We're ordering and Jill was like-

It was a food poison cute. Yeah. She was like, oh, can i have a glass uh can i do some orange juice yeah and uh and i was like oh that sounds good and then she said do you want one and i said i'll just drink some of hers and we like it was cute did a little fucking nose kiss yeah and i was like oh that's sweet we're gonna split an orange juice this remember this because that is what killed it's a sliding doors moment that ruined your life. Irreparably so. Absolutely. So we then inevitably have a kind of awkward interaction

about the orange juice even a few minutes later because the lady forgets the orange juice. Oh, wow. She was almost trying to cosmically save you. Yeah. Forgot the orange juice. We're standing there with our coffee. Jill's like, should I ask? Like, yeah, like you can ask. She goes up. She kind of is getting ignored by everybody that's working there. She says, excuse me, somebody walks by her. I really like the juice. Contemplates leaving.

Just leaving the juice. And then she like gets this lady's attention, asks about the juice. and then the lady kind of acts like she hadn't forgotten about the juice. Like, no, I gotcha. Yeah, like you're being impatient. But she was making matcha. She had forgotten about the juice. She was already past you guys' order. But definitely kind of wanted to make Jill feel bad about the interaction.

So we get the juice. Nothing's going to ruin our day. We go off. We get a pastry at the place next door. How does it work with coffee and juice? Are you like entirely juice and then you move on? Can you switch back and forth? Those are two very different drinks.

Yeah. I would normally in my – if it's me, I would drink some orange juice, you know, kick off the day. Yeah. Palate cleanse with some water and then coffee. Like a shot. Yeah. But it was Jill's juice and I was just going to have some of it. So it's Jill's juice.

We're just living in it. I just ignored it entirely. I ate a croissant. I drank my coffee and then kind of midway through Jill, like poured some juice into her empty coffee cup and gave it to me. Interesting. Okay. I downed the juice.

It was great. Good juice. Juice wise, it was fine. We're going to the car. Juice wise, it was fine. It was great. Good juice. Juice-wise, it was fine. We're going to the car. Juice-wise, it was fine. It was good. It's good. And, you know, I was a little worried about the citrus in the coffee, but it was fine.

No heartburn, no duty in the pants situation. But we're going to the car, and Jill's like, I think I drank the coffee too fast. My stomach hurts. Oh, interesting. That quickly? Yeah. And I was like, oh, it's, you know, you're fine, whatever. That's cool. you sort of gas

littered a maker yeah don't worry don't worry yeah you're stuffing that in her yeah you're often complaining about shit it turns out to be kind of all right uh so i drop her off at home everything's good i come in i believe we recorded a podcast with jeff um nice to know you can go back and watch that one and just sort of see if there's any signs at the end I was starting to feel like yeah I was like slow I was like okay I feel a little off

yeah which is what Jill felt as soon as you guys left but it almost felt like I just had brain fog or something just like maybe even I had had too much caffeine or something but then I had that meeting with me had had too much caffeine or something, but then I had that meeting with me,

you and Marty. I'm sort of starting to fade a little bit. Yeah. I noticed that you were sort of hunched over. You don't want to shoot the basketball. I didn't want to shoot the basketball. I was sitting there. I was just sitting. You guys were shooting basketball.

I was just sitting there. Then you guys all went to lunch and I was like, well, I have to go to the, I got to go to the Valley. I got to go record. I'm not going to eat anything. I got breakfast tacos. Yeah. And you weren't even interested. No, I wasn't hungry well, I have to go to the, I gotta go to the Valley. I gotta go record. I'm not gonna eat anything. But I was just like- I got breakfast tacos.

Yeah. And you weren't even interested. No, I wasn't hungry. And I was feeling- You weren't hungry, you think, because of the ill effects of the juice situation? I was, yeah. At that point, I was like, I think,

there's something off in my stomach. And I, at that point, was thinking like, maybe it was something that we ate this morning. But I'm like, but it's not a big deal. Yeah. It's not a big deal. Did your brain flash? Did Jill also not feeling well or no? No no I didn't even really think about that I was just like I bet

I just need to like take a shit and everything's gonna be fine um then I drive as I'm driving to the valley to record an ad pod my eyes are glazing over I'm like I kind of start to have the chills kind of like when you got that tetanus shot. Yeah. And I'm like, man, should I like bail on this other recording? But then I'm like, I don't want to do that. I got to show up. I don't want to not record.

Especially because when it's internal like that, it's hard to like tell people. Like I just feel a little weird. Yeah. If it's like an open sore, then they can see it. Yeah. I wasn't ready to cancel. It was just like, I feel weird. I didn't feel sick.

I was like, I feel weird. Something's happening. But maybe it's just one of those, you know, sometimes you get that fog after lunch. Yeah. But you didn't eat. No. Yeah. But like, you know, sometimes you get some brain fog and you just shake it off and you

feel fine. Yeah. Like you ate too much or something. Yeah. So I thought that was going to happen. But I get there. We recorded. Oh, oh wow got the full episode wow um but as we were ending i was just like i stood up and i was like i have to go home

i think something is happening to me and they had no idea you didn't feel well no they were surprised so i think i like i my adrenaline was going and i was able to like role play and be in in the zone interesting so you weren't really feeling the ill effects while recording? No. I mean, I was feeling like a weird like buzz throughout my body, but not like – I wasn't feeling faint or tired yet. Okay. And at this point, I'm like, okay, I think I probably have some kind of light food poisoning is what I keep on saying in my head. Light food poisoning, which is not serious. And I probably just need to like take a nap and I'll feel fine.

Because if I was sick, I would have been way sicker than this. But I also know that Jill, if I texted her and I say, I feel weird. Do you? If she doesn't, she will suddenly be like, oh my God, do I have food poisoning? I'm scared. Now I start to feel sick. So I just text her. Lunch housing by proxy. Yeah. Yeah. So I text her, how are you?

Because I feel great. Yeah. Just no context. Like, how are you doing? And she texted me back that she's like, I feel so sick. Green pukey emoji. My mom is with Gemma. Like I'm in bed.

Wow. She didn't text you that. She waited for you to reach out. Yeah. I mean, I don't think she had the strength to text me that earlier because it knocked. She had way more of this juice than I did. Yeah. So it knocked her out.

And then I'm driving home. And at that point, I'm like the opposite. Yeah. Her green puke emoji is like, oh, shit. I'm like, I'm driving home. And at that point, I'm like. The opposite. Yeah. Her green puke emoji is like, oh, shit. I'm like. It's coursing through your veins. I'm swaying. I'm in the HOV lane, even though I have just me in the car.

I'm just trying to. I need to get home. You have to assume Giardi is a fucking passenger at this point. That's right. The parasite in my stomach, that counts as a person. So I get home. I walk in. Jill's mom is there with Gemma.

Gemma's like smiling, reaches for me. I'm like, oh, sweetie. And I like don't even have the energy to like take my clothes off. Just like go in, fall into the bed, and I just start like moaning. I'm like, oh. Full body or stomach? It's – you know I famously have never had a stomach ache before, right? Yeah, you know, Joel's mom said that the next day.

And I said, isn't that patently false? Because you had food poisoning in Paris. You also had some sort of diarrhea slash stomach issue in Mexico when we were together. But it's never manifested as a stomach ache for me. Okay. It always feels like my head feels really tired and I feel like dizzy up in my head. You never had a pain in your stomach?

No. Got it. I guess if I'm running, I felt like what it feels like to have a cramp right here. But this was the first time I had, there was like, it was somebody who was like wringing my stomach out

which is like maybe gas or something like that yeah so i so i'm lying down uh and just i'm like i want like this is this will pass this will pass it's not it's not food poisoning or diarrhea get rid of it somehow uh but then i stood up and i'm like i I think I might throw up. I think I might throw up to like two seconds later. Like a fucking geyser coming out of my mouth. And it's what food? Because you didn't have anything since the juice and the croissant. It was dinner the night. I mean, there were just any.

Is it possible it was dinner the night before and not the juice? Because Jill felt it instantly. Yeah. I really think it was the juice. What did you have for dinner the night before? Dare I ask? Raw chicken. That's what it was. Yeah. I really think it was the juice. What did you have for dinner the night before? Dare I ask? Raw chicken. That's what it was.

Yeah. It had to have been. Because Jill's mom, she ate dinner with us and she was fine. Yeah. The only thing that just Jill and I ate was this juice. The juice. Yeah. Okay.

I also believe that like you just know in your heart what it – like your body just is telling you what it is. So yeah, anyway, then I start violently puking. That kind of – I sleep for 20 or 30 minutes at a time, wake up, throw up from like 4 p.m. until the middle of the night. And then I slept until like 9. On and off puking jill also jilla jill never she has an aversion to throwing up and she is able to like shut her body down yeah interesting but the body needs to throw up it's like a good thing to throw up yeah she just she can't do it okay um but she never so she never threw up uh and she was also like a bit more

sturdy than i was yeah like i saw her the next day and you were still at home convalescing. Yeah. And even that night, I think at one point I like woke up in the days and I like saw Jill like washing Gemma's bottle. I'm like, what are you doing? You can't do that. We should be dead together. We should be dead together i really like we should be dead together uh if jill's mom weren't here jemma would just be crawling over our corpses like i don't know what like a cat eating you guys

um really have no idea what she would have done because i did not have the strength or wherewithal to even like be aware of where she was yeah um i guess if jill's mom was was not there maybe i would have sprung into action. But it sounds like Jill would have. Yeah, Jill would have. Jill would have handled it. So, yeah, then the next day Micah comes. And you feel emptier but better?

Yeah. I even recorded on Friday. Oh, wow. But I was like – I was just grateful to not be throwing up. I felt like a little hollow, a little fragile, almost like I had been really hung over the day before or something. But now you're okay. But now I'm like, oh, we're supposed to play tennis on Friday. And you're like, I'm in a weakened state.

That couldn't have happened. But I'm just coming back online. Micah comes. We all hang out. We order dinner the next day. We have a great day. This is Saturday. He and I go on a run around the reservoir. We all hang out. We order dinner the next day. We have a great day. This is Saturday.

He and I go on a run around the reservoir. Things are good. We're looking forward to the weekend. It's going to be great. We cook dinner. We barbecue on Friday night. Or no, Saturday night. And we're like, okay, tomorrow Jill and Mike are going to go to yoga at 8 a.m. I'll hang out with the baby.

Then we're going to go vintage shopping. Then we're going to meet up with Ben. Just have this whole entire day planned. It's really great. Wake up in the morning to just hear Mike puking his brains out. Okay. So at this point, you got to think it's not a food poisoning. Right.

So Jill is like, I think we have norovirus, which is like a stomach bug that's really contagious. And, you know, Micah. 24-hour bug. Yeah. And Micah is just puking. He's in a sorry state. We feel awful. And you're like, I know what you feel like.

I felt like that three days ago. And he's like, when did you stop throwing up? And I was like, I think you have another hour. You should be done. So I feel like, I think you have another hour. You should be done. So I feel awful for him. He flew into a disease. Yeah. Flew into a disease. New York to LA. Like, come stay with us. We'll take care of you. But I instantly kill him. All of our plans are just gone. They're not going to happen. Yeah. And that was when we started thinking that we had this norovirus thing. So why do you think it's back to food poisoning? Well, because then I texted

everybody, texted the D&D crew. I'm like, I had spent the entire day with them. Like, okay, I might've just given everybody a stomach flu. How's everybody feeling? But nobody else is sick. Jill's mom's not sick. Gemma's fine.emma's fine which apparently uh when you have this when you have um a flu like this the mom like actually creates uh antibodies in the breast milk and feeds them to the baby wow which is really magical and that's nice to hear so yeah jemma's like with jill but is protected through the breast milk. But then we realized that Micah, the one thing he did was shower in our bathroom because we have a really awesome shower. Do you think it was from the juice to the shower to Micah?

I think it was. Yeah. So what I've looked up since then is that food poisoning actually is contagious. Interesting. You can get contaminated from something you eat, and then the contaminated person can infect others through their germs. Oh, interesting. I thought you had to ingest this thing.

That's what I thought too, but there are, I guess, certain strains or something where I basically have the virus or the bacteria or whatever, and Micah can ingest it I it doesn't have to be that I give him food yeah and I think it can be spread through surfaces so it's the bathroom where I'm throwing up for an entire night he goes until then there he takes a shower if he touches a single thing in there it's infected yeah so I'm back to thinking it was this damn juice. But it also could have been like a airborne thing that like somebody at the

juice place gave you. Anything's possible. But I think it was this lady with the damn juice. So you think you're going to have orange juice anytime soon? I almost went back to the same coffee shop yesterday. And? Micah talked me out of it. It's the best coffee in LA.

And what are you going to do instead? Well, today I went to Verve, which is also really good. It's just far away. Yeah. Plus you might not be able to get norovirus there. Yeah, that's the issue. I wonder if- It's almost worth it.

It's worth the risk. Can you get it again this fast? Or is it like you have immunity now, like COVID? Yeah, well, norovirus, you have immunity, but I don't know if it's me ingesting fecal matter or whatever. Right, that can happen ad nauseum. Yeah, it might. I don't know. And it might add nauseam to you. So I don't want

to risk it. It's not worth it. No. Well, it was almost worth it. I was talked out of it. I thought it was worth it, and Mike didn't trust him. Literally to die for this orange juice slash coffee situation that you love so much. I'll never get the orange juice again. Never.

Jill poisoned you. Yeah, it was her fault. And I made her very aware of that. Listen to my brother screaming. Know that it originated with you. And you protected Gemma with the breast milk, didn't you? Actually, Mike could have used that breast milk almost like as a- If we could have known. I don't know if it works like that. I don't know if it works like that.

I don't know if it works like that. After the fact. Yeah. Probably not. But now Micah seems fine. You feel fine. What doesn't kill you make you stronger. Yeah.

I mean, I was hurting for like two or three days even, but he bounced back a lot faster than I did. That's nice. And now that he's in the office, we can track it even further. Like maybe he gave it to somebody here and we can interview them. Yeah, let's keep an eye on everybody. Yeah, I'm curious. Because if he gets someone else sick, then it's definitely Norah. We know it's not from the juice. Yeah. And then I can go back and get my favorite coffee, which would be awesome. Yeah. Well, what I want just to wrap this whole story up is like,

you know how there's COVID tests? Yeah. Why can't there be like flu tests? Like I was sick in January. Yeah. I had the flu. It'd be nice to know. What flu did I have? And they're like, yeah, you can go to an urgent care and take a test. But I'm like, I was feeling like you were feeling it.

I can't even walk to the bathroom and let them drive to Echo Park right now. Right, yeah. Give me an at-home anything test. I want a swab. It's obviously not a priority for them. And I don't know why. Because they're busy with like the cancer stuff. I guess, swab. It's obviously not a priority for them. Because they're busy with the cancer stuff?

I guess, but COVID was a priority and they did it so fast with the COVID tests. And the urgent care has the access to the tests. Oh, I test positive for influenza type A or B. Give me an at-home version of that shit. Yeah. Well, you just have to befriend a doctor that has the test.

I took the strep throat test back when I had the cold sore, the wart, the canker in my throat. Yeah. They were able to do a strep throat. The fissure in your sphincter. Yes. My fissure sphincter. What I ended up happening was I got it in my asshole. My taste bud got infected down there. Yeah. I had a little taste bud that got like inflamed. You can taste down there. Yeah. Exactly right. That's right. That's why butt chugging was so popular. All right. Good segment. Good story. I'm glad you're feeling better. Me too.

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All right, we're back. Yep. Recording some Jake and Amir episodes next week. That's right. That's right. It's big. March Madness number what? Nine, 10, 11.

I can't even keep track at this point. Wow. But yeah, it's the perfect timing. Our second one back from being back, right? Yeah, we took a hiatus from our hiatus. And now it lined up perfectly with March Madness. March is right around the corner. That's right.

These ones are fun slash easy-ish to write because we just look at who's going to be in the tournament back into it. Right. And then it's like, okay, I have fucking a cactus and Duke in my final four or whatever. Exactly. It's that easy. One recurring joke idea that I had was for Connecticut, you keep on saying, you connect, I cut, and you have a pair of scissors and you just keep on cutting. Just like a huge pile of shredded brackets.

And then that made me think of the third or fourth time you do it, you cut your finger really bad. Oh. Are you okay? Yep. Who else you got in the final eight? There's more and more blood every single cut. Baylor.

Fuck, man. I'm really lightheaded. I tried to call 911. You grabbed my phone. You grabbed my phone. I cut. I'm starting to bleed. Starting, you won't stop.

I think you're hemophiliac or something. All right, great. We already have our runner. Yeah, that's the runner. Then, of course, we just look up team names. Who's probably going to be there? I got some great names in the standings, the top 25. Actually, do you know UConn is the number one team in the country right now?

Yeah, I did. And we walked the tournament last year. Was there like a game that we didn't win by 10 points? No, it was an absolute bloodbath. It was a drubbing. That was amazing. We got some good names in here. Creighton is in the top 15.

Yeah. Okay, so Creightonon more like Leighton. I don't think they're going to show up in time for their game. That's forfeited. Final forfeited straight to the final four with

you. Something along those lines. It's always a rhyme that gets me to a place where a team is in the elite eight. Right.

Yeah. Baylor. I'd rather nail her. Right. I had sex with an assistant coach yeah one day right from the texas longhorns more blood more comedy there's action in that uh-huh uh washington oh didn't we do this before washington state no No, it's not. Like, actually, it is a state. Oh, yeah. Washington State. No, it's not. No, it's two ones that were a state.

Or were not a state. Were not states. Yeah. Jacksonville State. No, it's not. Yeah, yeah. Et cetera. Sacramento State. No, it's not.

Washington State. That one is. Yeah. Really? So we'll just recycle that one. Yeah. St. Mary's. one yeah St. Mary's oh St. Mary's

please please let your plane crash before you get to the sweet 16 what you're praying I've made a good boy in the name of the father son and the holy toast it's a piece of toast that says Kansas Son and the Holy Toast.

It's a piece of toast that says Kansas. You did that? You burnt that? It just came out of my toaster. Signal from God. Remember the chicken nugget that looked like Jesus? Yeah. Well, this is a toast that looks like Auburn.

As in, I burnt it. Yeah, oh, that's good. Yeah, that's really good. I don't know if it's good, but it matches. Yeah, right. It's as dumb as the rest of them. Good means equally bad in this case. Right, you have to just be insane and you're bleeding out in this episode.

Purdue? The more unhinged, the better. Purdue? Purdue? How to Purdue. Oh, how to Purdue there, partner. Hand just bleeding a lot. Can you?

You've ruined the sofa. All you care about is the sofa. Jesus. How do we get special effects for this episode? CGI for AI. Interesting. Do you think that if we upload a video of you, we can ask AI to put in blood everywhere?

I can't because I don't have access to these really advanced AI softwares. Right. But next year we probably could. That's awesome. Actually, next year we could probably just write Jake and Amir, March Madness 10. Yeah, next year we probably could. That's awesome. Actually, next year we could probably just write Jake and Amir, March Madness 10. Yeah, we'll spit it out.

That's great. But will it be able to come up with an incredible joke about BYU? PU. Yeah, something like P. P? Why U?

I've... I shit my pants in addition to bleeding out. Yeah. Or something about the idea that they're all Mormons or something. Because BYU is specifically. Right, Brigham Young. Yeah, it's an all Mormon university. Brigham Young? Why'd they bring them so young?

This team of toddlers is not going to stand up to Kansas City Jayhawks, is it? Kansas City. The Chiefs? How the hell do I have the Super Bowl champ in the Final Four? Patrick Mahomes doesn't lose. That's the thing. Okay? He's not in the tournament.

He's not going to not lose it. Exactly. Which is why I have him. So yeah, bring them young you think that are toddlers. it exactly which is why i have them bring them young you think they're toddlers that's kind of like they bring them young yeah right exactly sister wives something about mormon polyamory polygamy yeah um ucla uh-A. Something like that. Oh, like instead of the Star Spangled Banner. I was going to say, can you see? It's O-U-C-L-A. By the dawn's early light.

Creighton. Got it. So it doesn't have to rhyme. No. Oh, what about Dayton? Dayton is 16th. Yeah. Dayton versus Creighton.

I have Dayton. Who Dayton versus Creighton. I have Dayton versus Creighton. Who's Dayton Creighton? If I'm Dayton the assistant coach from the Longhorns, who's Dayton Creighton? I do constantly bring up that I've had sex with an assistant. I forget. Oh, was it late? What school was that where I say I've been having sex I had sexual relations

with that woman I already can't remember I think it was Creighton yeah Clay Leighton right I always forget yeah

we'll play this back yeah that's the beauty of doing these taped brainstorms is that we actually tape storm yeah we write things down

digitally University of Houston second team in the nation. Okay, so we've got to come up with something. They're definitely going to be there. Houston, we have a problem. That's pretty good. Then why do you have them in your final four?

Because the problem is they're not going all the way. Yeah, you do have them. You do have them going all the way. I've lost a lot of blood, actually. Sorry if what I'm saying doesn't make sense. But honestly, usually I'm pretty fucking insane during this time of year. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've rarely made sense in these videos. I think this is the exact right amount of blood for you not to have.

You're having it come to Jesus. A come to Jesus moment. A come to St. Mary moment. And lastly, we have, oh, Duke. Duke is a classic. Right. Fook Duke we've done before. Yeah. Duke. Duke is a classic. Right. Fook Duke we've done before.

Yeah. Duke. Duke, we have a problem here. The Houston one. Did I say that for Houston? Yeah, I guess I did. It made sense when you did. Why? Because of Apollo 13?

What's that? Duke is a fluke. Coach K can't get his way. Coach K retired two years ago. Coach K went away. Yeah. Something's good about calling Duke a fluke, how they're only in this one time by dumb luck. Yeah.

It's like, well, I think they're a staple of the tournament. I think they win all the time. Duke is a fluke. You realize they're only in this tournament during March? Who's talking about this basketball team in July? I don't know. A lot of people, man. Really? Yeah. I feel like I don't follow

this sport at all. I don't think you do. By the way, who's even collecting the money and organizing this? I think your wound needs to be cauterized. I think so, too. We agree. All right. Well, let's keep this under lock and key.

Yeah. Whether this episode comes out before or after the actual March Madness episode will be interesting. I wonder if we can time it during the same week. That'd be perfect. But if not, now you guys can see how the really, really sloppy sausage gets made. Right. That looked like a brainstorm, but that is a final draft. Yeah.

That is pitch perfect. We might just release that as an episode. Yeah. Was me staring at my phone yelling colleges at you. We can take the audio and then dub it. Put it over anything, basically. Precisely. Yes, exactly.

Okay. That's it. Third segment. Three segments up, three segments down. A perfect game. Amazing. This was our first perfect episode. Yeah. It's kind of crazy. An immaculate ep. Yeah. That's it. Third segment. Three segments up, three segments down. A perfect game. This was our first perfect episode. Yeah.

It's kind of crazy. An immaculate up. Yeah. That's amazing. I mean, good for us. I mean, we're still like under, how many episodes of segments have we done? 20-ish. 20-ish.

Yeah. I mean, that's, it feels right at the right time to hit our stride. It's impressive. Yeah. But I mean. It's kind of cool. Totally. And I think now we can kind of run this for another.

580. Yeah. 600 episodes. Something like that kind of run this for another theater. 580. Yeah, 800, 600 episodes. Something like that. We should do like one with a guest or something. That's interesting. Right. I don't hate that. Right.

Right. I just don't know any funny people. Yeah. Or I don't know any people that would want to come on our show. Because it's sort of small now. Yeah. Nobody likes us personally. Nobody wants to take the time out of their day to join us.

The stuff that we were just doing, it's like only funny to us and not other people. Right. Yeah. Not even that many other people. Right. Exactly. A dwindling number for sure. Yes.

Yes. We're basically holding wet sand. Yeah. And as it dries out and falls out of our hand, we're left with a few grains. Yes. And that's all we have. Right. Our empire is a crumbling castle.

It's washed away into the sea. It's eroded with the high tide. Yeah. We've come back from this bacchanalian feast slash orgy to find nothing at all. And you look out at the sea and all you can see is the emptiness of the vast horizon. It's the same waves that anybody can hear. Right. We're not seeing it.

That's all we feel in our bodies is that emptiness, that vastness, that bottomless pit of nothing. Nowhere. No one. We look to the left and it's a shark. Oh! You scared me, dude. It grabs you with its fin. What the fuck?

Insane. It was dead. It washed ashore. Now it's muggy. Are you seeing this? This is fucking nuts, man. Do something. Okay.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. We'll be back next week for more segments. Or I should say for more of us you can check out our Patreon patreon.com slash JA

and for more segments you can just watch us on our YouTube channel I guess and we'll be back next week as always thank you

namaste good fight and good night bye everybody that was a Hiddem Original