Segments - 3: Noodles

Episode Date: May 20, 2013

In this episode we discuss cool kids, smelly food, and whether or not we should edit our terrible mistakes. (Spoiler alert: We don't.) See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

hey i'm jake johnson host of the podcast we're here to help but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by brooklinen brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets pillows comforters and blankets delivered straight to your door how do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool,

but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there.

Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened.

So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm

gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. If I were you. If I were you. I'll tell you what I would do. If only I were you. Shark.com. Wow. Wow.

That was legit. Hell yeah. That was written by Stoney, who's our, you know, remixer extraordinaire. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir Blumenfeld, and I'm sitting across Jake Hurwitz. Wow.

Hello. How are you guys? You're not wearing a shirt. Yeah, or pants, but I am below a table, so you can't tell. Well, I can't tell. Oh, wow, yeah.

I'm wearing one sock and one shoe, and it's not where you think. Yes, so this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the oh my god i'm sorry should i restart well yeah this is the time what are we gonna do do we restart or are we gonna are we gonna post this entire thing on there i guess let's do it let's post this is unedited raw um mercy we still might second guess and cut this entire thing out later. That's right. This is the game. We're just grinning at each other right now, not knowing whether or not I'm about to stop the podcast and restart it.

Smiling and terrified. All right. We saved it. Hey. So what we do is we get your emails. This is the one and only advice podcast. Oh, crap. Oh, my God.

I'm having a stroke. No. Not again. I'm just staring at the timeline moving right along closer to my death. 30 minutes is up. Yes. Okay. Intro song written by Stoney.

We still haven't decided on an intro song. That one was written by one of our favorite internet remixer who does a bunch of auto-tuning Jake and Amir episodes. He sent us that one. We got a bunch of other great ones. We're going to play them. We haven't committed to one yet, but thank you so much. Keep on sending them. They're amazing. They're so fun. The email to send

that or any question is still ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com And we're going to start changing the email address every week to make sure you're listening. Not only that, but we won't check the old email address. Let's say you listen to the first two episodes. Now who has the upper hand? You guys? That's right. All we try to do is antagonize our audience until it dwindles down to absolute zero.

The most loyal person ever. Yeah, so should we get started? should we just dive right into it yeah let's give some some people in need of advice some advice yeah um okay this one is from peter he says again fake name completely conserving your anonymity easiest name you could think of you don't know how it's spelled uh no it is p-E-T-R-R-R-E-R. Wow. So my problem, he says, my problem is that I hang out with a group of kids in my school that would be considered as the cool kids, in quote, and I feel like they don't really like me. I don't know why, since I try my best to be fun.

I always try to smell great, and I'm usually the funniest guy in the group. We, like, hang out a lot in school, but after school, it seems like they try to avoid me and keep me from hanging out with them. So why do they only like me in school and not afterwards? Wow. Yeah, I try insanely hard. So trust me, don't think it's a lack of effort. I'm trying harder than anybody, I promise you. You idiot. You high school that. You high school fool.

You dumbass. God, yeah. You know, I'm not 16 anymore, so I can think you're stupid. I don't even remember the feelings I had when I was your age. Maybe it is the effort that he's trying too hard. Obviously, we're being facetious as to, like, making fun of him, but, you know, obviously calling him the cool kids is a is a start yeah i mean any you think the cool kids are walking around being like hey we're the cool kids no it doesn't occur to them that's why they're the cool kids and that's why you're the nerd that will never hang out with us you're just like revisionist history of your own high school experience. I'm the shit. I still am.

But weren't you the kid? Hampton Hall Hornets. You weren't part of your cool group. Yeah, actually, I think I was a lot like this kid. I was kind of like a class clown, so I had a lot of friends in school. People would laugh at me. But I mean, outside of school, I didn't have,

well, I had a ton of friends. 2,000 pounds, to be exact. And they would totally get that joke if I said it today. And, yeah, my school was just filled with nerdy Jews. There were no cool kids, which makes everybody the cool kid. No, there was a cool group that they did. You know, they would, like, do, you know, some drugs and some drinking and have parties. What's more than that, no matter how great you smell, you ain, some drugs and some drinking and have parties. What's cooler than that?

No matter how great you smell, you ain't dealing weed, son. You smell like herb. You want friends. You want friends, you got to get a piece. You got to roll a J, hang out in the courtyard, buy a playground or some shit. That's where the cool kids go. But cool is so subjective. Like, the cool kids then,

I wouldn't think they're cool now. And like, the ones that I would hang out with, I guess grew up to be quote-unquote cool kids because they have their life together. And I don't know, I think there's nothing cooler than having a good job. Here's something cool. Financial security. Hey, that's pretty cool. What are you doing?

You're asking for advice on being cool from the biggest loser I know. Me. What are you doing? You're asking for advice on being cool from the biggest loser I know. Me. What are you doing now, Dale Joint? Oh, you're running your own music business. Very well. Very neat. We're both doing good then.

Can I have a job application? I'd love to score some marijuana cigarettes off you. So, yeah, our advice to you, Peter, is one, I think you should just start giving less of a shit. It doesn't matter. That's true. What does it matter if you're hanging out with the quote unquote cool kids or not? Yeah.

I'll tell you what it matters. Because cool is everything. Your reputation is everything. And guess what, buddy? The cool kids stay cool after high school. I'm still trying to break into a cool crowd. If anybody knows any cool 28 to 30 year olds, I would love to hang out with school. I'm still trying to break into a cool crowd. If anybody knows any cool 28 to 30 year olds, I would love to hang out with them.

I smell great. I'm the life of the party. I waited outside a bar for an hour and a half last night. Screaming, I have a goddamn podcast. It's ranked in the top five in comedy. The bouncer downloaded it, listened, didn't crack a smile, and then he confiscated my ID.

How is that fair? I'll tell you how. It was a fake Canadian one that said I was still under 19. Because I'm trying to get with cool kids in high school. Now we have fun. Next question. This one's from Roger. I'm 21 and from Australia.

I was at my girlfriend's house the other night and I needed to fart badly. We've only been dating for a month and we're still in that honeymoon phase where everything is cute and innocent. I held it in for hours and let it brew until I got home. Oh, God. Let it brew.

I love that. It's like a drink. As I was leaving her house, she hugged me so tight it forced it out of me. That's house, she hugged me so tight it forced it out of me. That's adorable. She hugged me so tight. She hugged like a giant whoopee cushion. I let one squeeze out.

Needless to say, I was terribly embarrassed. What would you do if you guys needed to fart badly in that situation? Well, first of all, you're in the honeymoon phase, so isn't your flatulence might be cute? That's true. Everything is cute in the honeymoon phase. Like, ooh, I tooted. I'm sorry, baby. Yeah, isn't it your flatulence might be cute that's true everything is cute in the honeymoon phase like oh i tooted i'm sorry baby yeah isn't it funny how it smells like sulfur and beans in here now i'm so sorry but yeah when do you start farting in front of girls um you know i think you got to get it out of the way right away first date just bump fart like this is me

hey i'm jake nice though oh where are you going there's like it's it is weird how much you go you go from like no farting in a relationship super cute the first time you do it's kind of a moment it's like oh you're comfortable around me that's a beautiful thing and then you start like getting too comfortable around somebody you're farting too much they they smell awful and then like but there's no returning there you can't go back to holding it in. Once you let the first one out, it's literally the flood of gas gates opening. And then it's open forever.

You can't shut that door again. So I think that, I guess I have two pieces of advice here. Okay. One. What if I just restarted the podcast now because of that? It was a flood. The first two minutes of absolute messiness was fine, but don't say I have too piece of advice.

Oh, my God. Absolutely not. This is him here scolding me in the rain on his front step right now. You can come back next week. We'll try to do the podcast again. We don't have to release one every Monday. You stutterer. You stutterer.

You're a stutterer, sir. And you stuttered you stutterer you're a stutterer sir and you stuttered your words uh all right so the two pieces of advice i have are number one uh you should use this as you know the it's it's shepherding your relationship into the next stage it's nice it's you finally you know you know you might not be in the honeymoon stage anymore but but now you're in this other growth period. You're comfortable around each other. You can be yourselves. Let your farts rip.

That's beautiful. Piece of advice number two, go to the bathroom, turn both the faucets on, run the water as hard as possible, drop your pants, spread your butt cheeks, and squat down. That's just going to be a loud air fart. No one's going to hear that. She will not know it happened. Jesus Christ. I'm not saying I did it. No, no, I'm just saying you forgot to include the part where you used two

of her toothbrushes to keep your sphincter muscle wide enough to let the air pass through and get your ass cheeks rippling together. Now that's what I call the honeymoon stage. That's the plier effect is what it's called. I also do that while burping. So what I'll do is stick two of my middle fingers down my esophagus

and just stretch my throat out so wide that it's just a constant stream of silent gas instead of a burping noise. So it's just like a... And then it ends with you vomiting because your fingers are just that far down your throat. Have you ever done the spreading your ass cheeks out? Do you do into a sink or?

No, I mean, you just, the sink is there to, I'm not, I'm not, I've never done this. So I imagine the sink would be there to, you know, there's some noise. Yeah, to cancel it out. Have you done it though? I will. Podcast is cutting out. There's some kind of bad reception here. We're going through a tunnel.

Okay. Anyway, yeah, so ha, ha, ha, ha, right? Next question. This one's from Don. Ooh, hello, Don. In the office I work in, we have a lady who sits nearby and eats her lunch at her desk each day. Very sad. The issue is she brings in this one meal in most days of the week, and it smells very bad.

It's some sort of microwavable Asian noodle dish, and it smells very pungent. It almost burns your nose. My friend and I can only describe it as smelling what we think MSG might smell like along with large amounts of sodium. It takes about 30 minutes for the smell to die down in the room we're in. Dot, dot, dot. Gross. My friend and I comment how bad it smells.

Basically, what would you do if you had to tell someone at work that her food that she brings in every day smells so awful? Don't tell her, you dick! He didn't tell her, he was just asking what he should do awful. No, don't tell her. You dick. He didn't tell her. He's just asking what he should do. He said, oh, okay.

I thought it was, I thought it was, what do we, like, how do we tell her? Yeah, well, yeah, pretty much. Don't tell her. Oh, so you're saying not just. Yeah. Why? Her life is so sad. She eats the Asian noodle dish every single day.

Wouldn't it be sadder if. She eats an Asian noodle dish alone in her cubicle every day? She doesn't like doing that. Don't go up to her and be like, hey. Everyone hates you. You are the talk of the office. You're disgusting. Oh, not in a good way.

Not in a good way. Maybe this is like the one nice part of her day. She just loves this Asian noodle dish. She hates this job. She's like, I haven't worked in the cubicle all day, but like the one nice part of her day. She just loves this Asian noodle dish. She hates this job. She's like, I work in the cubicle all day, but like I have one half hour of respite where I just get to eat my Asian noodle dish. My extra salty buckwheat soba noodles right at my desk. But isn't it nicer to let her know that like, hey, everyone's talking about this. If you stop, you'll be held in a higher regard to everyone in the office.

I think no matter what, her reputation will always be the lady that eats the smelly noodles. She is either the one that's currently doing it or the one that used to do it. So you might as well let her live her life in blissful ignorance. What could happen is if she's quitting, you should say, Hey, at your new job, you shouldn't eat those noodles. As you're firing her? Take a seat. One, your noodle dish, awful smell.

Two, you're very depressing, not a good worker. Yeah, most of all, you're a bad worker. I guess my advice is you could invite her to lunch sometime. Maybe, you know, get her. She brings the dish. Wean her off the noodles. Or you and your buddy could start leaving the office for lunch. Go eat somewhere else.

That could be nice. Get out of the office. Then you can avoid the smell. Then you have to time your lunch to when she leaves. Well, when she starts, the ding, that's it. The ding of her noodles being ready in the microwave is when you go. Half hour for the smell to disappear. There should be a gun going off noise and you guys racing out of the office.

I really think you just have to suck it up. I think it's so – I'm so sad for this woman. I don't feel bad for you that has to smell it. I feel bad for this lady that eats it every single day, a microwavable Asian noodle dish. That can't be healthy. Unless she's eating like only kale salad for dinner and like a nice breakfast smoothie every morning she's not having she's not getting her nutrients yes seems like she's unhealthy so jake says don't say anything i say i mean i would in theory you

should say hey can you not like if it's if it's your buddy you could be like yo your lunch smells like shit maybe find one of her friends to tell right maybe that's a good idea yeah it's your buddy, you could be like, yo, your lunch smells like shit, dude. Maybe find one of her friends to tell her. Right. Maybe that's a good idea. Yeah. It's just, I mean, you can't have a genuine conversation where you're like. If you're eating microwavable noodles at your desk every day, odds are you don't have any friends. Right.

Well, you have friends. It's the noodles. Yeah. You eat your friends every day. You want to take your friends away from her. Next question. All right. Next question.

Hey, guys. I hooked up with one of my friends for about a week. One morning after I left her apartment, she told me she didn't want to keep it up because she was developing real feelings for me. And she couldn't do that because she was moving across the country after college. I'm sorry. We're already laughing at how huge of a lie that is. I just don't want to see you anymore Because I'm falling for you

And I can't care about you as much as I do Because I'm leaving Sorry, you just smell like Asian noodles Can you get out of my room? She said we could still be friends And I was totally cool with how it ended Since then, we haven't talked And every time we run into each other

She avoids eye contact And tries to stay as far away as possible. You know what it is? She's probably so freaked out because she loves you so much. Yeah, she's never felt like this before about anybody. Oh, God, I can't fall in love with you. I have to never, ever see you. What girls do, man, they shut down.

The more they love somebody, they shut down. They build up these walls, and what you've got to do is you've got to get a battery ran and break through the walls. She's fucking inviting you over. That's what she's over. She loves you. Obviously. Why else would she tell you that she's moving across the country to avoid you and that she couldn't develop any feelings for you? Yeah, you know what you say? You say, what are you so afraid of, baby?

I'm coming with you. How do you like that? Now you don't have to be afraid of me anymore, right? We're being sarcastic assholes, but the gist is this girl sounds like she's not telling you the truth. She's telling you the nicest thing she could possibly do to stop hooking up with you. Right. This is tough love, and we don't mean to make fun of you. I'm sure you're a great person.

It's just that we want a funny podcast, too, so we'll jeopardize and use you as collateral damage. We'll lose one fan to gain other ones like when we're mean to people. Don't you get what we're doing? Everyone else stops listening because we're huge jerks. We write every single person who writes in a question a personal apology for the way we treated them. Thanks for the question, but we are sorry about how we answered it. But it is true. I mean, everyone's been there before.

It's not like you're unique where a girl didn't know how to tell you that she wanted to stop being with you. Right. I wish this girl would actually ask us for advice because I would not give advice. If you don't want to be hooking up with someone, you shouldn't be like, hey, I can't do this because I like you too much. Nobody has ever meant that genuinely. Nobody has ever been self-aware enough to be like, you know what? I'm developing real feelings for you, but I'm moving away and I got to cut it off right now. People are so selfish about their feelings.

Yeah. If you have feelings, if she liked you, she would just be like, yeah, I'm moving nonstop. Let's do it. Long distance. Yeah. Nobody is that rational about love. Wow. I just, I just realized nobody is that rational about love.

You're crying. I'm sorry. You're weeping. Holy crap. I cannot believe believe this you're so uncool your your own answer moved you to tears you ass you small man you smug little prick you're writing it down holy shit you're getting your own quote on you is this fucking happening where'd you get a tattoo needle? You're using a big pen. Nobody's that rational about

love. It's not even that good. It's definitely okay. Tattoo worthy, though? Holy shit, he's on Cafe Press. Even more so, insane. He's getting it on a mug. Nobody's that rational about mug. Just holding that cup of coffee in the office, saying hi to the woman who eats Asian noodles every morning.

So our advice is to let the friendship and relationship die. Let her move on. It's already gone. It's already over. You had something. You lost it. You're better for it because you experienced the highs and lows of having and losing someone. And now you can find someone who wants to be with you despite being afraid of developing feelings for

you. That doesn't make... Look, just listen to yourself, man. It's obviously a lie. What if she's being real and honest with him? Yeah, this woman's amazing. She's like, I just don't want to hurt you, but I care so much about you. It's like the most selfless thing anybody's ever done. And we're just ridiculing it for five minutes. This is us like keeping Romeo and Juliet apart from each other just because we're making fun of them. They're going to play this at their wedding.

Their love was so real. They were going to birth a future president of the United States, and we've just ruined that. I think we also told the kid in the beginning to sell weeds. Please don't follow our advice. Yeah. I think that should be a disclaimer in every one of our episodes that our advice is usually probably number one,

the priority is to be humorous and two it's to be accurate. So probably don't follow our advice. So go after her, go to her. No one is that rational about love including you. Put your head in front of her tires as she's backing out of her

I dare you. She doesn't. Oh no. We get sued. Mercy. Oh this is something I wanted to say at one point. This is our first plug. We're going to be part of the College Humor All Nighter this Thursday, that's Thursday May

23rd and if you're listening to this afterwards sorry you missed it, but if you're listening to it before Thursday May 23rd we're going to be part of the live cast, we're going to be live casting an entire, like all night and part of the live cast is going to be me and Jake doing a live stream if I were you

which is pretty fun, we've never done it live before. Yeah. And actually, we might take in callers, which would be really awesome. Yeah, that would be really fun. So look out for that. We're also going to be making lots of funny videos, and other people are going to be there. Lots of funny comedians are making videos all night. So check it out, regardless of whether or not you want to see it live, If I Were You.

Yeah. Next question from Peggy. Sorry. We're not editing this. No, we're not. I can't read anymore. Okay. Guy named Peggy says, I've just started dating a girl.

Things are going really well, although she keeps texting me at work all the time. It's kind of cute, I guess, but I also have a lot of work to do. What should I do to get her to text me less without just ignoring her? It's so transparent that it's not kind of cute, I guess. He hates it so much. It's kind of cute, I guess. That's his one, like, if you like that kind of thing. If she's listening.

Like, I said it was kind of cute. I guessed. I guessed it was kind of cute. Isn't that better than knowing it's cute? And part of me thinks it's adorable, and part of me wants to strangle you. I guess, I guess, I mean, well, why don't you just stop responding? Because then it's like, oh, you're ignoring me. And then the texts come in even faster.

Why are you ignoring me? Where are you? What are you doing with your boss? Oh, my God. It's like during a board meeting. Everyone is just like kind of ignoring it, but we can all hear your phone buzzing in your pocket incessantly. Yeah, so what do you do to get someone to text you less? Text you?

God, that's such like a – that's a very rare problem. I feel like most of the time I'm like trying to get people to text me more. Right, exactly. Just like sending out those texts. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Sending out those – oh, shit. This is my cool persona, you guys.

Ready? Sending out those texts, man. You know what I mean? You know, I'm getting texts and shit, man. All right, all right. Yeah, text coming in, text going out. Okay, okay. I'm ready to skip this question to get you to shut up.

I think you just have to, you know, respond less and less frequently with fewer words. And then you should, of course, send that, like that one reassuring text that's like, hey, I'm thinking about you too. I'm just really busy today. And then as you have those busier days, she's like, oh, I get it. You're at work. I don't think you have to be like, listen, don't text me at work. I feel like that's too aggressive.

But if you just respond less and less and always apologize, say, I wish I could talk to you more. I'm just really busy. Okay, next question. This one comes from Joan in Syracuse. It says, I just finished my freshman year at the College of—I'm such an idiot. Yeah. I can't even read.

We're taking down the podcast. Unfortunately, Blooms can't read the questions. Sorry, folks. I'm illiterate now. Dear Jake Namir, I just finished my freshman year of college at Syracuse University, and I didn't really like it because there were too many leggings and Ugg boots, so I applied to transfer. Now I'm deciding if I should go back to school at Syracuse next year or if I should go to the College of Wooster in Ohio. I like that

those are her two choices. She went to Syracuse and then she applied to one other college. It's got to be somewhere cold. It's got to be Worcester. The people at College of Worcester seem cooler, but the academics aren't as good. What should I do? You know, I thought it would be interesting to bring in my girlfriend who actually went to Syracuse University. Wow. And almost transferred.

What? This is pathetic. You're trying to bring your girlfriend on this show since we started the show. She didn't really go to Stanford or she didn't go to Syracuse. She didn't go to Syracuse. I'm not even sure you have a girlfriend actually. Okay Amir is putting on a wig. All right so Laura you went to Syracuse University right? Uh-huh yeah I did. And how was it as a freshman? I hated it. Because of too many leggings and Ugg boots? There were definitely a lot of leggings and Ugg boots and also like those sweatpants that

say juicy on the ass. Oh, wow. Dude, that's where I should have gone. There weren't enough of those juicy sweatpants at Hunter. It's funny that they were wearing sweatpants in like negative 20 degree temperatures, right? Yeah, it's pretty absurd. I mean, I like rolled into class like in legitimate pajamas and I was like i'm a disgusting monster which is true yeah um so did you apply to transfer anywhere uh i didn't i i think i looked online at like you know i mean i was also kind of

lazy but i looked online you also only applied to wooster yeah i just didn't get in trust me i wanted out i was waitlisted for three years at Wust. It had to be Lake Effect Snow. That was like the one requirement. I looked into it and I looked into what it would take to transfer. And then I went back to my second semester and it got better, as they say on the Internet. So it gets better. What gets better? If you're having an awful freshman year, why would it get better? I think, you know, like my freshman floor kind of sucked and it was a lot of like, sorry for anyone listening. All you girls on the freshman floor, you know who you are. Y'all were bitches. You and your Ugg boots, juicy sweatpants, bitches. Laura was the one

wearing Ugg boots, giving everyone swirlies. Yeah, I was reading. Bully girls give people swirlies. I don't think that happens anymore. Yeah, I don't know. I found cooler people. Like, I actually, I think the nice thing about Syracuse is there's so many lame people there that it makes it kind of easier to find the, like, cool, interesting, fun people. That's interesting. So, yeah, I don't know.

I think that's, like, a kind of universal college experience, too. Like, I didn't enjoy my freshman year. I did transfer. You went to like five different schools. Every year was your freshman year. I was on your side. I'm not even recording right now. This is a goddamn intervention.

He's calling my dad. Lauren and me are calling my dad. Hello? Yes. No. I have no son named Jake. No. That's just because you have the wrong number, though.

But I do think that, like, you know, it's just not easy to find your people after one year. It takes some time. Well, I think what it is is freshman year you're forced to hang out with people on your floor. Right. And then sophomore year you start developing, like, hobbies and you start hanging out with people that you want to hang out with. I mean, it's just like high school. Does anybody, like, remember their freshman year of high school fondly? Yes.

You do? No. It was horrible. Sorry, I answered before you said fondly. I remember my freshman year. Does anyone remember their freshman year of high school? Yeah, it was the worst year of my life. Fondly?

No. So your advice would be stick it out? Yeah, it was worth it. I mean, I don't know. I started doing improv comedy. Yeah, that's what you should do. Find a hobby. Do improv.

Well, I mean, not necessarily, but find something that you're into and start doing that, like a club or some sort of activity, and that's how you meet people. You sound like a goddamn Worcester alum. Honestly. All right, so there it is, Joan. Stick it out. Unless you hate the weather and the school and the people. But if it's just leggings and Ugg boots, stick it out. Cool.

Last question. This one comes from Lane Price. Hey, guys. Whoa, dark. Hanging himself and then writing this email. Hey, guys. So my girlfriend who I love is almost a year. Every time I mess up, I'm like, let's start over.

Let's start over. And then I'm like, no, because saying let's start over let's start over and then i'm like no because saying let's start over it might be better than actually starting over it's like the same exact emotional roller coaster so what's gonna happen right now are you starting over are we not editing at all no it's too late obviously all right lane price writes hey guys so my girlfriend who i love of almost a year keeps going on these crazy conspiracy rants about the government corporations and religion Ken Price writes, hey guys, so my girlfriend, who I love, of almost a year, keeps going on these crazy conspiracy rants about the government, corporations, and religion. This kind of weirds me out because I prefer having a more relaxed outlook on life.

Yeah, so relaxed that you spent a year dealing with her insane rants and haven't broken up with her. He just comes home and there's lipstick all over the wall. 9-11 was an inside job. Crazy weird math problems. Or regular math problems. Still crazy and weird. Yeah. So how can we resolve these differences?

I can't believe he waited a year to write to us. Well, I can. The podcast has only existed for a week. Oh, yeah, there we go. I can't believe

he waited a year to break up with her. Yes. That is, I mean... Would you say that's a deal breaker? It sounds like she's a crazy bag lady screaming at a wall.

The rants are about government slash corporation slash religion. Why do you love anybody that goes on crazy rants like that? What if it's like only once every other week? That's too much. I feel like I could be in a situation where one crazy rant would be enough.

Really? I really do. I think where one crazy rant would be enough. Really? I really do. I think I can handle one every other month. One every other month? Yeah, one crazy rant. What if it was something you fundamentally disagreed with? If somebody you cared about was just like... Oh, I have no strong opinions about anything.

Well, I guess neither does this guy, so stay with her. You're the yin to her yang. You're perfect for her. You know what? You should just start going on the rants, too. You heighten it. Get even crazier than yang. You're perfect for her. You know what? You should just start going on the rants too. You heighten it. Get like even crazier than her. Like she's so far gone.

If you get even further, she has to meet you. Like she has to pull back. She's like, hey, you got to chill out. You think 9-11 was an inside job? I don't even think we're real. How do you like that? You're a robot. I think Thanksgiving is an inside job.

Huh? Think about that. Cool. I think that's all inside job. Huh? Think about that. Cool. I think that's all the time we have for this episode, but we will be back next Monday. As usual, you can email us at ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Again, we're so thrilled and overwhelmed and excited about all the awesome feedback. You know, you could just email us to say that you have notes about the show, you like it, you have suggestions, tips, comments. We won't read that or appreciate it, but I mean, yeah,

shout into a black void of nothingness. Hell, that's what the internet is anyway. That's what my life is. Yes. Thank you so much. Any last words, Jake? Oh, you know, we should remind people to review and write about our podcast on iTunes because that's what helps make it available to more people. That's true about our podcast on iTunes. Yes. Because that's what helps make it available to more people. That's true. Unless you hate the podcast, in which case – You know, reviews don't do much.

Yeah. I just – I mean, what's the point? Yeah, one star, two star, that's not going to bring down our average. Really? Yeah. Do five. If you hate our show, oh, that would be funny. So it's like, I hate your show.

Oh, that would really get us if you gave a five-star review, but like sarcastically. Don't do that. We'll be so pissed. So if you love it, five-star review, genuine, hate it, five-star sarcastic review. That'll rub you the wrong way. Okay. And yeah, thanks so much for listening. Oh, we have one last intro song to get through today.

This one was by Brett Fields, and we'll end with it. So, thanks so much for listening to Far We Go Far We Go Far We Go Hey, real quick, I just realized that said if I read the show starts now, that's because it's usually going to start the show

with that. I thought it said.com at the end. Oh really? Yeah. Okay. Damn it I shouldn't have said anything. Well we can edit that out right? Later everybody!