Segments - 31: Violence

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

In this episode Amir tries to guess some celebrities, and how hard Jake slaps him. Then we read the cold open to a pilot we never shot.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number.

So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it. 0-9-1-3-6-6-2. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Won't last its effort to try and stop their career from going to shit.

Second. Another podcast. Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army Nightclub Show. Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts. Second. Pathetic host segments.

If I died before this episode is released, and it's a great episode of segments with Jake and Amir, do you release it? And do you preface it with, Amir would have wanted it this way where's yeah FYI he's gone but I first of all cold open this exact clip yeah

right so this is before the theme song yeah this is before the theme song okay then I let this theme song play and then I come in voice of God who you've just met because I'm at the pearly yeah and I say you got I'm sure a lot of you guys tuning

in know the news that Amir is no longer with us it's already yeah it's already out and I say I'm releasing this episode as a love letter my great partner like I'll never you know make it really really fucking heartfelt and if you

want to listen to any of our other content i've now put it uh all behind patreon um this is his sort of magnum opus anyway let's get started this is fart or queef yeah so everything everything in our catalog every jake and amir video every podcast episode everything we've ever made goes on Patreon. That's behind a paywall. And you're using that to support the family or? I'm using that to skip out on the family. I'm using that to have a secret family.

I'm using that to have a compound in the Caribbean with. With compound interest. Yes, exactly right. I am tax sheltering myself in a tax haven. That's really cool. In New Haven? In New Haven. Yes, exactly right.

Exactly right. Okay, follow up. I die. And we talked about it on this fucking episode. Do you keep this part in? If you keep on bringing it up, I guess it would depend on how you die. At this point, yeah.

Yeah. Jet ski accident. Right. Yeah, if it was truly an accident, then yeah, I think it would be too much of a coincidence to not. People would assume, okay. Yeah. And this is honestly getting macabre and morose. The last question.

Yeah. We're together when I die. Right, that's what I'd be afraid of. Now, do you release this as a way to absolve yourself or does this sort of implicate yourself even further? That's the rub. That's the interesting idea. They talked about it. Yeah.

And it would be bad because I've kind of talked about how I could benefit from it at this point. Yeah. So it would depend if I was actually doing that stuff. I think I would have to see that plan through. Yeah. So it would depend if I was actually doing that stuff. I think I would have to see that plan through. Yeah. And yeah, if we died in a jet skiing accident, but like you, we like went out of sight of land and you drown.

People would have to assume. Why is he has bruising around his neck? And I'm like, well, he fell from the jet ski and hit his neck in a certain way. Let's see the podcast before I jump to anything. I don't want to release it out of respect for Amir. But you can listen if you subscribe to our Patreon, Your Honor. Patreon-er.

Your Honor. Your Patreon-er. All right. Well, hopefully I survive throughout at least the release of this episode so we don't have to get to it. Yeah. But this is segments. We are back in the lab. You can be watching this on YouTube.

That's right. We're in the New York studio together. Exactly. Which sort of provides an extra layer of fun because we can do a little show and tell segment action. Exactly. For those of you listening at home, I'll try to describe the visuals as much as humanly possible. But Jake is going to show me celebrities, the most famous celebrities in their 20s. Famous people in their 20s.

Okay. These are the top celebs. The creme de la creme. They've got millions of Instagram followers. They're famous. They're viral. They're starring in films and TV series that are grossing millions and billions of dollars. Oh my God.

Okay. So these guys are, they are rich. They are powerful. They have influence and they have star power. We're going to see if you know any of them. The first one is... Drum roll, please. Okay.

I'm staring at a lady, a nice, attractive lady who looks like Mila Kunis, but I don't know if it's a Jenner if it's a Kardashian is it a Rodrigo I'll guess Olivia Rodrigo and Nicole do you have a guess I do know who this is oh you do know but I incorrectly when I first saw

her thought immediately Nina Dobrev for some reason but I know it's not I don't even know who that is but you know who this is too. Do you want to tell them here? Victoria Justice. Victoria Justice is a name I've not heard of. Is she on a Marvel?

She is. I'm looking at it now. I'm looking at it now. It looks like she is an actor and a singer. She was in Victoria Justice. It's a good name. Is she related to David Justice? I don't know.

I really don't know. It looks like she was in a Nickelodeon show. Got it. Yeah, that's why. Honestly, it would be weird if I knew who this was. She was in it in 2005. Still, it's like, why was I watching Nickelodeon at age 20 she has 24 million followers on instagram okay good on her shout out victoria justice now i know who

she is okay um all right so that's oh for one um do you think you have to strip i didn't realize that yeah it was strip celebrity and it's just i I got one wrong and I have to cut my dick off. You go completely naked. The next one I have to cut my dick off. All right, next celeb. Oh, I know this one. This is a white man with a beard with tattoos on his face. This is White Iverson, a.k.a. Post Malone. That's correct.

Did you think I'd get this one? Yes, I did. Okay, that's good. You think he regrets the face tattoos or that's sort of like him forever? I think that's him forever. I think he's fine with that. And he likes that. Yeah, yeah.

Face tattoos are... They're a big thing with these kids in their 20s. They love the face tattoo. It's a risk for sure because it's always on your face. If you had to get a face tattoo, what would you do? Probably something about Luke, my dog.

Right. Yeah. And where would you put him? I would put like an L maybe underneath my beard. Oh, that's nice. So it's like close to my face, but not necessarily on my face. Yeah, you can kind of keep it hidden. Yeah.

All right. Let's check out that next celeb. Oh, I might do a rose on my eye. Oh, sorry. We're back. Who's this? Blonde lady. Blonde lady looks like Gwyneth Palt on my eye. Oh, sorry. We're back. Who's this? Blonde lady. Blonde lady looks like Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter.

Uh-huh. Sort of a Jodie Foster type. Yeah. Thin-lipped, Sidney Sweeney, but way fish. Yes, yes. Wispy, curtain bangs. A Thinney Sweeney. Thinney Sweeney.

I don't know who this is at all. I can't even guess. I mean, I guess if I had to just fucking throw out a name. Yeah. Courtney Ross. I'll give you some of her credits. Okay. She was in Euphoria.

Is she a Nepo baby? I don't know. Okay. Yeah. Euphoria. Maya Hawk. Nope. Okay. I don't know who uh yeah euphoria maya hawk nope okay i don't know this hunter game uh the hunger the hunger games jennifer lawrence no this is hunter shaffer yeah i don't know who that is neither do i nicole yeah you know who that is oh okay yeah yeah euphoria a lot of euphoria kids

i have you seen euphoria no yeah it's not Euphoria? No. It's not for me. I know that it's not for me. But isn't it like cool teens partying? Isn't that up your alley? No, that's not up my alley. Cool teens party. I liked to party when I was in my teens and 20s. Why is that not for you?

Well, because I don't like watching teens party. That's not fun for me. Interesting. Yeah. All right. Next. This is a nine-year-old with a tattoo. What? Nicole, do you know who this guy is?

I think so, but I haven't seen him in years. This is literally a preteen. There's no way he's old enough to have a tattoo. He is 21 years old that is this is a child wearing jewelry and a tattoo and a fucking yeah nail polish which is i guess the least of his concerns uh it looks like he's in a movie called the loneliest boy in the world that's funny wait nicole you know who this is i think so but i haven't seen him since he was like a child okay so he was a child now yeah well a real child he was nine and now he's 21, looks like nine.

Nicole, what's your guess? I don't know who this is. Jacob Sartorius. That's correct. I knew that. Oh, he was a popular Viner musically. Oh yeah. I know the name.

A lot of these, like a lot of the kids that were big on Vine or whatever, they're just singers and songwriters now. Interesting. Do you know the Montana Boys? No. So the Montana Boys are a recent TikTok phenomenon. They're not singers or dancers. All they do is walk towards the camera while a country song plays. There's five of them. They're pretty hot. They live in Montana. A country song is playing and they're walking to the camera, almost like models, but they're

not models either. They're just from Montana. And Kristen Cavallari saw it, DM'd one of them, and now they're dating. So it's like the Montana boys and Kristen Cavallari, and they're all sort of famous in this ecosystem. That's absolutely bizarre. And they have like, they do interviews and like, we don't have any acting ambitions and we don't have any singing or dancing skills. So it's like, okay, what are we down to here?

You're just wearing a hat. You're just guys from Montana that Kristen Cavalieri wanted to have sex with. Yeah. It's awesome. Anyway, I hope one of them is on here. The Montana boys. Yeah, Kristen Cavalieri could be. All right, next.

Oh, that is Olivia Rodrigo. Yes, you did guess her before, so she's on the mind. Yeah. All right.ieri could be. All right, next. Oh, that is Olivia Rodrigo. Yes, you did guess her before, so she's on the mind. Yeah. All right. She's really good, by the way. I really like Olivia Rodrigo. Yeah, very talented. I watched 60 Minutes with her.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, she's really good. Shout out to Olivia Rodrigo. Okay, another singer-songwriter is coming up next. She's wearing an earring that looks like an ear wearing an earring. Which is really cool.

That being said, I've never seen this person before in my life. Nicole? You know who that is? Yeah. Who? Do I have to ruin it already? Yeah, because I just don't know. Angeline Dupree. Let me see if I can give some of her credits

so people at home can guess. Oh, okay. Is she in Marvel movies? She is not. She's a singer. Okay. She's got a song called Paint the Town Red. Oh, I know that.

I'm sick. I paint the town red. She's a rebel. She's a bad little bitch. She a devil. Is it Dua Lipa? No. Is it?

It does start with a D. I do know that song. It's a popular TikTok song. Bitch, I said what I said. What's Homer Simpson's catchphrase? Dough. Dough-a-Lipa. No.

Dough? Dough. And what's our Patreon? Doe. Doe-a-leep-a. No. Doe? Doe. And what's our Patreon? Oh, Doja Cat. I think she's Jewish or something. Really? Somebody said that she's either half Jewish or something. Yeah, I do know that song. That is a good song.

I didn't know that that's what Doja Cat looked like. Three more celebs. I'm looking at the head of PR for Intel. This is a LinkedIn profile picture of a young executive. And this one's a Nepo baby. Okay, that makes more sense. This is... You can tell the Nepo babies because they kind of don't look like they should be famous.

It's like Sarah Hathaway, Anne Hathaway's younger sister. Yeah, yeah. This is Anne Hathaway's cousin. Yeah, Dana Hathaway. You're going to be very – it's so a name like that. Okay. Do you want me to give you some of – Oh, wait. Nicole, do you know?

Yes. Do you want me to give you some of her father's credits? All of these. Oh, father's credits. Is this Maya Hawke? Nope. Ethan Hawke's daughter? Nope.

Okay. Yeah, give her that. Okay this Maya Hawk? Nope. Ethan Hawk's daughter? Nope. Okay. Yeah, give her. Okay, so she is famous. Oh, she's in Euphoria. There you go. Of course, that's what it is. I don't know any of the Euphoria's. She's also in a couple of her father's movies, so I'll give you the names of those.

Okay. The King of Staten Island. With Pete Davidson? Yep. Okay. She's in Knocked Up. With Seth R with seth rogan yep oh oh oh mod apatow that's correct yeah that's correct i didn't know that i didn't know that's what she looks like yep uh all right two more this guy's fucking hot he's so hot it's christian bale with a fucking

necklace and a shirt this dude i don't know if i would have known him based on the photo honestly but i love his music i was hoping you'd give me jacob elordi because i do know that really salt burn but this is not jacob elordi no this is a guy uh a musician yeah musician chiseled everything yeah the jaw the abs the hair is perfect i know wow what songs does he have that's famous um i can i can give you some uh i don't think i've seen this i you've definitely you yeah i've heard the songs nicole do you know this is yes oh my gosh nicole you're you're young aren't you yeah um all right there's nothing holding me back there's nothing holding me back that's right this is the guy who sings there's

nothing holding me back yep i don't know what that is oh i've been shaking i love it when you go crazy yeah oh yeah there's nothing holding me i thought he was older you know i don't know how old he is honestly he looks like a young boy i thought sean mendes was older. I don't know how old he is, honestly. He looks like a young boy. I thought Shawn Mendes was closer to our age. Really? I don't think so. But let's see. How old is he? 32?

No, really? I don't know. I'm guessing. Oh, he's 6'1". That's awesome. That's amazing. Good on Shawn. You're going to be floored. He's 25.

This kid is 25. He's still got his whole entire life ahead of him. I feel like I've known him for 10 years. Wow. Yeah. I mean, you might have known him since he was 15. A lot of these kids, they get their start so young. Yeah.

All right. Last one. And I believe you've guessed her maybe twice. Holy shit. You should get her now. Is it Dua Lipa? That's Dua Lipa. That's Dua Lipa.'s Dua Lipa that's Dua Lipa maybe that's

the Jew yeah one of these one of these pop stars is uh like a Jew from the valley or something like that interesting a lot of Jews from the valley make it it's funny it's like I was a Jew from the valley and also Doja Cat like that doesn't make sense like she also went to the Johnny Rockets in Woodland Hills did I ever see her there there's a world where if you got famous now, like we, I feel like we hit our peak at a time when it actually didn't matter if you were hot. Like you could just look like anything that people thought you were cute. Okay. Now with the TikToks and all that stuff, you kind of have to like. At least be a nine. Yeah. You have to have like the body. You have to have it all. You have to be able to dance. You have to be a Montana boy. Yeah. If we were getting our start now, I wonder if we would – well, probably we just wouldn't even try. Well, I did notice recently that all YouTubers now, the vloggers, have incredible hair.

Right. They all have like big, thick hair. Yeah. Yeah. Like curly hair that are bangs, thick fucking Rhett and Link style hair or a full mane. Yeah. You never see like a thin haired YouTuber. You really don't.

They have to have young. You gotta have the fucking. Pompadour. Yeah. Ben Schwartz or better. Yeah, exactly. To be a YouTuber. Ben Schwartz or a Shawn Mendes.

Yeah. Yeah, Ben could make it. But you have good hair. You could definitely do it. Yeah, I needed to hear that because at the time it didn't feel like that I never heard that from you yeah you didn't ever I feel like you

didn't accentuate your hair until much later because you were often you had the faux hawk which actually kind of just brought it to a little point it wasn't

necessarily like anything no yeah and you also had really thin glasses nice enough no beard yeah

you made yourself uglier in your better looking years. Do you ever think about that? I don't want to take a break. Let's drill down on this. I guess I'm finally ready to talk about this. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

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so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Yo, yo. People like when we discuss strolls down memory lane. Ah, I love that.

Talk about old college humor stories, potentially stories from our earlier 20s. Yeah, yeah. Back when we were of Shawn Mendes age. Yes, a spry Mendes. Yeah. You remembered a part of our lives where we were close to selling a television show. Yes. Not our TV show, the Jake and Amir pilot. Right.

No, not that. Which happened later. I think this was maybe our first thing. Is that possible? Maybe it was our second. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Because we got kind of far along in the process. Yeah. I guess it was maybe the furthest we, I don't even know if it was our second. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Because we got kind of far along in the process. Yeah. I guess it was maybe the furthest we, I don't even know if it was the furthest we had ever gotten.

It was just maybe like, it was so early and we got so far that it felt like the realest thing that ever happened. It was kind of like before we were jaded by the process and we were enamored by the process. Yeah. You said it was 2013. 2013. So I was 30 and you were 27 or by the process. Yeah. This, you said was 2013. 2013. So I was 30 and you were 27 or 28 or something. Yeah. Yeah.

I think it was 20. Oh, wait. Yeah. No. 2013, 11 years ago. Yeah. 27. All right.

And this is like when basically TV was like network TV still exists and like people would pitch things in cycles. Remember that? Yeah. In January, you hit them with log lines and try to get a producer on board because in May, they're buying projects for the spring. And then there's pilot season

because we're also actors and you'd actually like fly to LA to like audition for all of the pilots. Yeah, which I don't think exists anymore. There's like just TV in general. Just like rolling all the time. Yeah, there's no seasonality to it. Right, I don't think so.

But this is like when we had our YouTube show. show so it's like oh let's try to sell a piece of development so like hit us with ideas and they would say like try to have it based on a newspaper article so it's like a when they ask you why you why now we have like this article famous viral thing to point to yeah and you so you read an article about these like 38 year olds that were all still living together 18 years after college yeah or they moved back in together or maybe they were just still well i just read the pitch actually they had never left and then we we like i think we took that one step further and we're like okay what if they all left and they like are depressed in their lives and they come back because college was the happiest

time so they all move in together. Right. Which is fine. Yeah. It's like a normal idea for a show. We called it Home Again. Great. Because you can never go home again.

We pitched it to Ben Stiller's production company, Red Hour. Yeah. We pitched it to a bunch of production companies. Yeah. The first round of this like pilot pitching is you go around to all of the of production companies. Yeah, the first round of this like pilot pitching is you go around to all of the different production companies

and usually it's like a celebrity who has a production company. And then if any of those producers like it, then they say they'll develop it with you. You're still not getting paid. Not getting paid. At the very least,

there's a famous person's company attached to your idea. I like this idea. It's like an executive is like, I like this idea. And I might even tell Ben Stiller about it. Me, Ben Stiller might know about it. So you'll write the script. I'll give you notes.

For free. And then usually they had like some kind of deal with one of the networks. Or a studio. Or a studio. Even before the networks. Oh, right. So then you, once you get that script, you go and you pitch it to a studio. Yeah.

Because the networks are like CBS, Fox, ABC, and NBC. Those are the four. Yeah. And then those people hear pitches not from production companies that we already had attached, but from studios like Paramount or Warner Brothers. Did we get past network and we were going to pitch the studio? I think we were going to pitch the studio, but the studio was ABC, which was also the network. So it was a little two for one opportunity.

So we got the production company on board, which is still $0. And then you take that with them chicken little style to the next level. And that next level would have been potentially to have a script for a pilot at ABC. Right. Which is the holy grail. It's not even a show. Not even a show. It's just somebody paying you to have a script for a pilot at ABC. Right. Which is the holy grail. It's not even a show. Not even a show. It's just somebody paying you to write a script.

Right. You'll write a script, and then maybe you get to shoot the pilot. Which would be insane. You get a lot of money just to shoot the pilot. They spend billions of dollars on pilots that are shot that never get there. And then if they like it, then it gets picked up. An actual show that could get canceled after six episodes. Usually they do.

Nine Miracles happened to have a failed show. Right. Exactly. up an actual show that could get canceled after six episodes usually they do nine miracles happen to have a failed show right exactly and then the goal is to have a modern family which makes 20 billion dollars and feeds the right gets adapted into several different languages there's international versions of home again down in south america and we're just watching the money in our check on step two of 80 and we're the most excited we've ever been because it's like something that's not Jake and Amir. Yes. It's still our comedy. Right.

And like adults that are like powerful and successful are actually interested. Yeah. Like, oh, this is actually good. Whoa. Okay. So I remember this was when we had moved back from LA. I was living in Williamsburg. You used to come over. Whenever we weren't, was living in Williamsburg, used to come over. Whenever we weren't shooting Jake and Amir, you would just come over and we would spend

all day writing this pilot. We would write a pilot for free just to sort of show people, be like, this is what it could be, by the way. Yeah, exactly. So you don't even have to pay. It's already done. Right. And they're like, okay, we're either into it or we're not.

So the, so I have the pilot. Oh, okay. Tell me what you want me... Do you want to read the cold open? Do you want me to read the... I wonder if there's a one sheet. Let's see. Yeah, let's read the cold open.

It's called... There's so many files in this folder. There's notes on this pilot from Ben Joseph and Dan Gurwitch. Yeah. Oh, that's the thing. Whenever you write stuff, you have to get your friends' notes, and then the studio notes, and then the production company notes. Everyone's sort of pitching in wing

and letting you know what they think. Our manager and Pat gave notes on another round. Yeah, you're going to want to talk to Pat and our manager. There's draft four. Oh, Debbie, the producer, gave notes. Yeah, Debbie, who I really liked. I think she's still around making shows. I love Debbie. I think she's still around making shows. I love Debbie.

Yeah, I think she makes Pen15. Great. She's killing it. Okay, so the premise for this show is that Amir and I play, I believe it's, my name is Ryan and yours is Phil. Okay, so Ryan is like a buttoned up businessman, you, and Phil is his wacky best friend that doesn't have a job. And it's Ryan and Phil's idea to get all of their old friends to move back into their college house together.

Okay. And the funny part about this process is, like, we pitched this to ABC Studios, and it didn't end up happening. Next year, we could have pitched this idea, but it's like, no, that's an old idea. Yeah, they don't want the old idea. Nobody saw this idea.

It's just as good as this random other one we're about to pitch. It's like, okay, this is an ice cream store. That's a lot more timely. Scoops. Yeah. Why is that any better than this? I think Scoops. Was Scoops after this or before?

I think before. Yeah, because Scoops was way worse. It was a multi-cam. It was like our version of Cheers, but an ice cream store. We'll read Scoops next time. Also developed with Debbie, so. Oh, really? Shout out to Debbie.

Yeah, she's the best. Okay. This is the cold open interior WorldCom Bank lobby. Ryan McCafferty, that's me. Yeah. 32, handsome, nice. Handsome, unhappy, in a power suit, exits the elevator of his investment banking firm. He is walking and talking with Mr. Thompson, a rich old white guy.

So I'll be Ryan. You'll be Mr. Thompson. Okay. Mr. Thompson, hi. I was hoping to take Saturday and Sunday off this weekend. You just took a weekend off in February of 2009. You remember that? I remember everything, Ryan.

You also took a lunch break in 08. It'll never happen again, sir. It's just that I'm moving tomorrow. Fine, fine. Just make up for it next Christmas or funeral or something. Is your dad close to dying? I don't hope so. Fair enough.

L'chaim. I'm going to start sprinting. See you Monday. And then Mr. Thompson sprints away. Ryan and Mr. Thompson exit the WorldCom lobby and are met with a chorus of boos from a throng of, oh wow, Occupy Wall Street style. Nice. From a throng of angry protesters, Mr. Thompson takes off. He's really fast for an old guy. There he is. That's the guy that sits in his ivory tower shredding our tax dollars. We don't get your tax dollars. Sounds like this chicken wants some eggs.

The crowd launches eggs at Ryan as he runs towards his car. A man in crowd gives chase and the protesters erupt in cheers. You jump into my car, Phil, and slam the door. Man in crowd. What is this?

The protesters surround the car in a frenzy, rocking it back and forth. Man in crowd. Sorry, sorry, The protesters surround the car in a frenzy, rocking it back and forth. Man in crowd. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I know. Oh, interesting. Eggs, Phil? Really?

Why eggs? Oh, so my character was in the crowd. Yeah, the man from the crowd dives in the passenger side. The protesters surround the car in a frenzy, rocking it back and forth. So you were the man in the crowd protesting me. Got it. Okay. Why eggs? Sorry, sorry, sorry. I know. The man in the crowd is Phil Feldman, 31, bearded, wiry, and slovenly, and charming. Nice. We've been friends for 30 years. Phil Feldman is a really good name.

Both of the PH. Yeah. It's stuff like this that makes me not want to move back in with you. Whoa, you can't pull out now. We're signing the PH. Yeah. It's stuff like this that makes me not want to move back in with you. Whoa, you can't pull out now. We're signing the papers this afternoon. You're not signing anything. I'm buying the house. I'm still involved. I'm the one who got the old roommates on board. I mean, buying back our college house was my idea.

You see, this is the premise and we know what it is in page two. And you got egg on my casual Friday tie. Perfect. Casual Friday tie is good. Do you hear yourself? Casual Friday tie? You. Do you hear yourself? Casual Friday tie. You need a do-over. You've been miserable since we graduated college.

I hate seeing you like this. Stop crying. I do enough of that myself in the break room between meetings. Also, sometimes quietly during meetings. But you need this too. You live in a tent. It's a yurt. You don't buy yurts at target my occupy buddies would really

frown upon me supporting the man just promise me that when you then when we're living together again you'll be more mature we're still doing the fun room though right oh yeah big time awesome love you i'll be more mature starting now just then two protesters jump on the hood of ryan's car dookie on the hood take a dookie on the hood i'm sorry drop trow and drop a deuce i'll pay for half the car wash i swear through the protesters bare legs we see ryan is disgusted while phil is smiling eagerly smash cut to title home, Home Again. This is fine. Yeah, it's fine. As good as, if not better than Young Sheldon.

Definitely. I think it's better than Young Sheldon. It has to be better than Young Sheldon. And you know, the pilot, we have to set up the premise. So there's some exposition that's getting- Which is a little cheesy and unfunny, but that's part of the TV.

The jokes are still fine. Yeah. If I saw this cold open, I wouldn't turn off the channel. No. I'd be like, okay, they made the most out of this. Probably by the time it got to channel seven at 8.30 p.m., it wouldn't be a guy taking a dump on a hood. Right. It would be like, I don't know, putting mayonnaise on the windshield wiper.

Yeah, exactly. Hockaloogie. Yeah. Hockaloogie. Exactly. Yeah, we're only on page four. But if TV still existed, I feel like we could repitch this. I don't know what the hell's going on.

How are people pitching CBS shows nowadays? Well, I think they only come from people who have nine seasons of other shows. Right. So like Chuck Lorre. Yeah, I was on Two and a Half Men for 12 years. Right. And I had this other show. Okay, let's do a spinoff. There's a third brokere. Yeah, I was on Men in, Two and a Half Men for 12 years. Right. And I had this other show about a couple of them. Okay, let's do a spinoff.

There's a third broke girl. Yeah. So like they're not talking to 28-year-old YouTubers. No, they don't want anyone. At this point, they don't need people to pitch them new ideas. They just need the guys who have been making everything to make another thing. Yeah. Is my guess.

So like the TikTokers that are famous, the Montana boys are not pitching NBCbc no but they i'm sure they could get cast in anything what about the production companies the red hours of the world are they still talking but they're just pitching to like apple plus about a dramedy yeah i think so i feel like all of those all of those like celebrity production companies are making their cash from you know-pro-ing anything the celeb is in. And then meanwhile selling like, yeah, selling things to, I mean, Stiller is probably, he's different because he's directing too. That's good.

But yeah, then the other guys are like selling things to Hulu and Amazon. That's cool. That are like smaller budget, but you know, not really small budget. Yeah. But yeah. It's only been 10 years since then.

It feels like a completely different generation. Yeah. What's going to happen in 10 years? We should have Debbie on the show and be like, what's TV like now? Can I have a job, ma'am? I'd really like to work for you as an intern. I don't know if I do want a job there. Red Hour?

We're like in TV anymore. Oh, right. Like TV may or may not exist anymore. Yeah, I guess it would be fun to just be a writer in a show that I knew was going to be picked up or something. Yeah, that's the other way to do it. It's like, this person

already went through the fucking minor miracles it took to make a show, now I just get to be a part of it. Right, exactly. Then you're just an actor, you're not a co-creator. Yeah. I mean, there's something fun about creating your own show, but also that comes with

all of the stress and hurdles and disappointment. Yeah. So it's kind of better to just be like checked out. Well, one of your friends does all of that and they say,

hey, will you write on my show? Oh, yeah, sure. Kind of like how Rose and UTK are friends are on Ghost, the number one sitcom on TV. Yeah. Yeah, that's awesome. They figured it out.

That just fell into their laps. I should be at the star of a show. I should be UTK. I don't know how to act, but I'll figure it out. You just sort of say the lines and stand in a place. That's easy. It's better than easy. It's rich.

All right. That's a good story. Yeah. Let us know if you want us to read the rest of Act One. What happens? What are the other characters do you remember um i think there i think there's two other lady characters and one other guy i believe it was yeah there's a married there's a couple that were

oh right so there's a couple a married couple that we lived with and we lived with them because i was dating the girl So it's like my ex who married our other roommate. Oh, right. So, and then there's also like a girl who used to be a big time gamer.

Yeah. So now it's, they come back. They're, the two married people, I think that's like the love interest. It's like,

I still have feelings for this girl. I remember when coming up with ideas, they'd be like, it really only matters for the pilot because the rest of the show is five friends hanging out. Yeah, exactly. Like you have to like fucking back into create a Bible, a story, what's the first story?

And then it eventually dissolves into friends, which is just six friends. Right. Friends got it. Friends in Seinfeld got it right. It's just like, oh, it's just people hanging out. Yeah. hanging out yeah awesome can we do that no there has to be a reason and what's the reason you're writing it what's the reason you guys are friends like the new girl which we studied as like a pilot sample yeah it's like okay this show is about a new girl but like by episode two she's

not the new girl anymore right exactly someone who lives season six she's yeah she's just zoe deschanel um yeah the next scene is it's dennis and miranda's apartment that's the married couple that's cool um the guys enter the part the apartment which is tiny but immaculate miranda cooper 91 and racist to a fault i mean even a little is to a fault. I mean, even a little is to a fault, right? All right, cool. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more Exactly. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool.

Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back okay all right here's a tiktok premise i thought of that we're going to test out on this show all right um it's a two-person game yeah and the way it works is i generate a number one through 100 uh-huh you don't know what that number is right but the audience will yeah and my goal is to slap you with that intensity. So if it randomly generates 100, I'm going maximum slap. You're slapping as hard as you can. If it's a one, I'm doing a very light slap.

A graze. Exactly. 50 is somewhere in the middle. So my goal is to sort of communicate that number. Via slap. Via slap to you. And the winner is us together if I'm able to hit you exactly at like 47 and you get it. Uh-huh.

Okay. So it's sort of like we're communicating with our hands instead of with our talking. All right. So, and for people listening. Yeah. We're going to get a pickup after I'm slapped what the number is. Yeah. So people will hear it before I slap you, but Jake won't know the number.

Yeah. Okay. And then if you're watching it on youtube we're going to use that google generator which is hopefully something you can visually see all right um okay so generate so nicole generate that number out of 100 okay i see the number all right so i'm gonna you're gonna hear it now but jake won't know i have no idea what's going on it after the fact all right the number is 65 and now I'm gonna stand up and you'll spank me with that intensity. Okay yeah you tell me where to hit you and then I'll hit you. All right uh Nicole hide the number because

I don't want to see it when I turn around. Okay. Okay I'm gonna spank you this intensity out of 100. Okay. All right. Let's see if I can sort of spank that number into existence. What did you feel about that? I guess narrow down to the bottom or upper 50 first.

My first guess was like 33. I was like, that's not, that wasn't too hard. But then I'm like, you're not super strong. So like, I have to go based on like how- Maybe because you're wearing pants, it felt muted or something. How hard you, like, that might've been, that was your 87, you know?

Like, I wouldn't know that because it didn't really feel like. So with using that curve, I actually am gonna guess 45. Okay, close, but not super close. The number was 65. 65, that really didn't feel. That was me two thirds of the way to maximum.

Yeah, wow, okay, yeah. Okay, let's switch seats. All right, you play me. Okay, let's generate this num All right, you play me. Okay, let's generate this numero. The number is 27. Okay. I almost instantly said it out loud. Okay, 79.

Here we go. Ready? Okay. So the number is behind me. I want you to slap the back of my hand with that intensity. Interesting. That was very mid i would say it's in the 25 to 75 range for sure it wasn't really light and it wasn't really extreme um but in that range it felt 25 to 50-ish for me. I'll say 43. 43.

The number was 27. Interesting. Okay. So 16 off. That's the closest we've been so far. Okay. All right. We're trying to get closer than 16 here.

Okay. Where do you want me to hit you? My grundle. In your taint? Yeah, in the taint. The karate jump over. No, I'll go. Why don't I go just full on, just hand to hand.

Okay, hand to hand. Front of hand, yeah. Let's see here. Let's generate that number out of 100, okay. The number is 68. Ooh, all right. That was a bit of effort. Again, my first thought was 50%

because you didn't wind up. Nicole's laughing. But I do think that, yeah, knowing that you don't have a lot of strength, I feel like that was actually probably near your max. One rep max. So I think we're looking at 75 and up it's there's no way that's 90 because i think you would have you would have wound up yeah you didn't really wind up yeah i'm gonna i'll do 70 78 closer 68 okay so we're 10 off. Yeah, 10 off. That's not bad.

All right. I do think hand is more effective because I couldn't- Because it's sensitive. Yeah. I'm going to go with the risky move and save my face and hope that it's not 80 and above. But if it is, I don't want you to take it easy on me. Yeah. I can handle 100.

All right. The number is 43. And that's the- I see the number. It's been generated. Oh, it's been generated. Are you sure you want to do it? You punched me.

Put on a metal glove. It was 12. What the hell is your problem? Yeah, but it's a punch. All right. Okay, slap my face with this intensity. Got it. Oh, God. He it. Oh, God.

He's winding up, folks. I was hoping it was a love tap. That hurt. Okay. It wasn't nothing. It wasn't nothing. Still, I'm feeling 50-ish from that because it was a little wind up in a hit but then i also like does it just hurt more because it was my face right

55 close but not closer than me it's 43 oh okay so it was a little late yeah 50 i would have been harder than that yeah yeah let's generate again hit was a little later 50 i would have been harder than that yeah yeah let's generate again hit my face again now that i'm calibrated okay oh god do the other side i can't it's left-handed i need you need to hit the same side. I do. All right. That was so hard. It was 21. That was so hard.

That woke me up like a fucking cold brew and a cold plunge honestly the newest thing the slapping yeah uh you're frazzled i'm concussed can you see redness on my face uh yeah a little, I guess. It was definitely the highest number we've had so far. 91. Close. You want me to do it one more time? Let me adjust down. Now that I know where you're feeling. Was it 88? No, it was higher. Higher than 91?

Yeah. Wow, what was it? 97. Wow, a slap in the face at 97. What would have 100 have been? I think I, I don't know. I think I would have had to like really, I didn't wind up that much. Yeah.

That's why I felt like it wasn't. I tried to generate as much power as I could. That wasn't the closest we've got. Six odd. I was, I was essentially like, I'm just going to go as hard as I can. Yeah. Cause even if I say a hundred, that's really close. Yeah, exactly.

But I didn't want to be like 97. You're like, yeah, but I didn't. If I really wound up and went as hard as I could, then I think it would have been a little too much. The oh, God was a little bit tipping. Yeah, because you knew that it was going to be high. Actually, maybe we shouldn't do the pickup of that. It's kind of fun to not know.

Yeah. You say, oh, God. Right. So if the audience is guessing with me on that one, it's fine. Yeah, well, the audience at home will see the 97. If you're watching. Yeah. But it's an Easter eggs for those listening.

Yeah. One more or what do you think? I mean, we can't, I feel like we end at a 97. That's perfect. Yeah. Cause like, what am I going to slap your thigh at 32? We're six off and I'm not going to let you touch my face. You don't think I can do a slap?

Cause it probably won't be that high. Yeah. I can do a slap? Because it probably won't be that high. Yeah, exactly. I could do a slap to you. Right. The odds are that it'll be much lower. Yeah. But I'm not playing it. You don't want to do it?

No, I don't want to do it. Because what if it's like 29? Yeah, it wouldn't be bad. It wouldn't be bad. But like the worst thing that could happen to me is like you slap me pretty hard and it like hurts my neck. Yeah, for a week. And then, yeah. You're just done.

I care way too much about not being sore yeah my life is entirely about comfort optimizing because everything else that i have to do is mildly inconvenient yeah i'm constantly lugging moving yeah shifting and i need to be pain-free let's see what the number would have been. Okay. 69. Wow, that's funny. Yeah. What if we 69 to that intensity?

Perfect. All right, great. Why don't we call it there? Why not? Especially because there's a ringing in my ear now. Yeah.

So it's hard to record anything else. You have to go to the ER. Yes. And that's not how I want to spend my day off. See, this is why I didn't want you to slap me.

What's that? All right. For more advice, you can watch our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. That's right. We'll be playing this game, but it's 50 to 1,000. That's 1,000 to 25,000. Although we can play this on TikTok. Doesn't this feel like a game?

Yeah, yeah, definitely. I wanted to try it with Avital, but I guess the slapping of the face. I feel like it's a younger kid's game. Like the slapping in the face would be much funnier. The Montana boys should play it. Yeah, the Montana boys could do it. And for more of this podcast, we'll be back next week.

You can watch it. You can listen to it. Thank you so much. I am borderline concussed, but ultimately happy to be here. I apologize. Again, I can't hear anything you're saying. See you guys soon.

That was a Hiddem Original.