Segments - 34: Prop Quiz

Episode Date: June 24, 2024

In this episode we discuss pets, ages, and pets ages. Then we take a Jake & Amir test.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number.

So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no.

No. No. No. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations. They swear! Seven. Another podcast. Seven. Each app different from the last. Seven.

It's the Swiss Army knife of shows. Seven. Each of two emphatic hosts. Seven. You're having a caffeine high, I think. That was just oat milk. You just chugged it, though. But there's like a trace amounts of sugar in there.

Yeah, for sure. Watermelon sugar. You're so jittery. I'm fine. I'm not jittery. I'm happy. I'm happy to be here. It's exciting to be back at it again.

Yeah, right. Yeah. Are you scared? I'm freaked out a little bit because of what might happen today. Yeah, what's that? We have an insane show, a crazy lineup. I hope we don't. I thought it was pretty normal. Just a normal one.

Just like standard four segments. Yeah, classic four segment. Yeah, but you, I don't know, you butt-chugged cold beer, it would seem. I injected an edible. Yeah. Yeah. And had an enema. Correct. No, it should be a normal one. It should be a fine edible. Yeah. Yeah. And had an enema. Correct.

No, it should be a normal one. It should be a fine one. Yeah. It should be like a classic, just a classic, just a normal classic. How are you feeling? Are you sleeping? Did your dog sleep through the night last night? You're dancing.

That's good. Everything's fine. Yeah. My dog, unfortunately, had seizures two weeks ago. Yes. So it's been touch and go, but trending better since then. Okay. When it was just me and him, things were harder.

He tortured you. He was skittish behavior up often throughout the night. Yeah. He was confused because of the medication he was on. Right, yeah. And you were the only one there. Yes, exactly. Bearing the brunt.

Yeah, I was a single parent. Yeah. Taking care of a special needs dog. Yes, exactly. Bearing the brunt. Yeah, I was a single parent. Yeah. Taking care of a special needs dog. Uh-huh. Yeah, tough. If your child or dog or cat has epilepsy or seizures, you know how scary it can be. Yeah, yeah. So it's like—

So I'm watching in fear, hoping that he doesn't see me. So you're on edge all the time, and then he's also needing other stuff. Yeah, okay. Then you get acclimated to the drugs and the medicine and you start calming down a little bit and then coupled with avital coming back from her tour now it's like a little bit more calm and copacetic still not completely back to normal slash out of the woods right but trending up but much better yes exactly and avital came home she's like what were you

complaining about this he's not whining he seems fine he's happy yeah yeah he's fucking he's black feeling he's framing leave again and we'll see if he does it and she does and he whines to me because i think i'm i'm a pushover to him he wants your food and i give him the food oh that's really fascinating i spoil the boy yeah okay so he knows So he knows how to get it from you. Yeah. And now I understand parents that medicate their kids. Like, my kid's not going to sleep, so should I just give him melatonin or something prescription to get him to sleep? Yeah, because you're like, anything to get him to leave me alone.

Yeah, or like, should I give him an iPad for three hours? Yeah, yeah. And you gave Luke an iPad, right? Yeah, and he fucking ate it. Because he's so hungry. Well, actually, I gave him a mat, a pad of yogurt and peanut butter that's frozen. So he licks it, like, and that takes a little while. That's the equivalent of an iPad.

Right, yeah. But that takes him what? That takes him 30 minutes, and then he looks at me, and he's like, Mom, that wasn't even close to enough. Thanks for the appetizer. I'd hate to see why that would make you look bad. This is me like having a weird paranoid nightmare. Yeah, you're having a seizure. Yes.

But prayers up for the little one, and he's doing better, thankfully. Love we know. But we'll keep you posted, of course. Thank you. As everyone here also deserves to know, have updates as well. Dingo turned two the other day. Oh, that's nice. Very far from death.

Yeah. We, for the second year in a row, forgot his birthday. Oh my God. Did he notice? He didn't, but we did and it felt so bad. What day is his birthday? May 31st. You know what day he was born?

Yeah. Oh, because you got him at that like a specific golden doodle shop. Yeah, yeah. Where they actually put down three other stray dogs just to – Genetically engineer. They throw puppies from a high kill shelter into a wood chipper. That's what they feed the puppies, the mommies, so that you can get the perfect little doodle. Yeah.

And I think you returned two of them because they weren't quite golden. Right. Yeah, yeah. More of an Auburn on this one. No. So they just throw them off the cliff and you're like, I'm paying you $15,000 for a perfect doodle. Yeah.

Yeah. $15,000. That would be a steal. I wish. That would be a steal. That was how much we spent on his birthday present. Did you do anything ultimately for his birthday? No.

Well, kind of. I took him to the park. That's nice. But I do that sometimes on unspecial days. I think last year we got him a pup cup. That's nice. And this year I gave him a big bone. But I don't think I did anything that was extra special.

Mostly I just forgot, anything that was extra special. Mostly I just forgot. And that was really sad. Actually, dealing with a senior dog as I have, my advice to you is to put Dingo down at age three. That way he's sort of living his best life and then it's over. You don't have to see the suffering. Because dealing with medication and slowing down, nobody wants to see that. And the same goes for parents, grandparents. Yeah, everybody.

Yeah. We should all sort of bow out at the height of health. It's unfortunate that you're seeing it happen in the dog and knowing that it's going to happen everywhere else in your life. Yes, exactly. It's a harbinger. It's a canary in the coal mine. Right, right, right. So as bad as that feels i just look

i zoom out and i realize oh wait a minute we're all hurtling towards this eventual cliff that is aging and all you can really do is enjoy the ride unless of course you are the ride itself is bumpy and then you're seeing uh yeah the ride kind of come to an end for someone you can't really enjoy that i i had a dog growing up but I've never had like a dog like that. I feel care for like, yeah, I'm the de facto owner slash caretaker. Do you think between me and Avital? Yeah. Would Luke's life be better if he was dead?

As of now? No, but there will be a point where we have to make that decision. And it feels like much like childbirth. I'm like, this is such an insane, miraculous thing. I can't believe everyone goes through this, that like putting a dog down seems like the most biggest tragic thing. I'm like, I can't believe everybody that has a dog

eventually has to make a decision. Sooner kind of rather than later, because they live 10 to 15 years, that you will have to say, kill them and hold them while they die. I'm like, that doesn't seem worth having a dog. No. Well, I think, I think people that do that just, they, they experience that grief so,

so like acutely and it's so like just in, you know, inside their family and you really can't relate to anybody that hasn't done it. Yes. So that's probably why you are like, oh yeah, I can't, I can't believe other people do it. It's like, well, they do it and they just, they don't talk to you about it.

Or like you haven't been able to. My friends have done it, but they haven't opened up to me about it. Cause I haven't done it. Or maybe, yeah, just like you, you really don't know how hard it is.

And I haven't even gone, I've like lost dogs from, from growing up. But I, when I didn't have a dog, I had friends that were putting their dogs. I'm like, oh man,

that's rough. That sounds really hard. I'm sorry. You say that you say that's rough yeah no I'm just fucking with you let's play frisbee yeah hey you want a bone why don't you you could be my dog um but now now having a dog and knowing how much I love him if I hear anybody going through that with their dog I'm like oh I can't even imagine yeah I can't it's like hearing somebody lost a parent or something. It's almost worse because the parent is like, you know, you grow up with having a parent knowing that it'll eventually go

away. With a dog, it's like, I'm above the dog. I'm taking care of this dog. The dog relies on me so heavily every day. Unrequited, unconditional love. Yeah, yeah. Dogs are beautiful creatures. I'm going to wish Dingo

a happy early birthday. Number third. Yeah. Yeah. It's a special pain and joy. Hopefully the joy is worth the pain. For sure. Yeah.

That being said, Luke is still alive so ask me after his demise to see if it was actually worth it in the long run. God. Well, it's too late for me. Maybe I'll get four cats instead.

People tend to not care about cats as much. Is that true? No, that's just what I'm telling myself in order to cope. Okay, we're going to start with a classic. Let's not talk about mortality slash dogs aging. Let's start with a classic segment. Okay. 50-like tweet.

That is correct. Have you gotten one of these yet? Have I gotten a 50 like tweet? I feel like we haven't gotten you to, or maybe one time we did, but like we moved it to 100 and you didn't get that. Yeah, yeah. I thought there was one time where I hit 50. Unless, I don't know, one time I didn't hit 50. I think one time

I might have hit 50 and one time we moved it to 100 and I didn't get that. Yeah. They all eventually get to 50, but the hard part is doing it within the content of the episode. I may have never gotten one. Yeah. But I think at the very least I didn't – or I got it, but we had moved away from it counting for money. Right.

So we're no longer doing it for cash. We're doing it for clout. Okay. So I have an idea for this tweet. Okay. You know those tweets that start with like, I don't know who needs to hear this, but. Yep. Yep. Yep. Or like we need to have an honest conversation about X. Yeah, exactly.

So my tweet idea is, I don't know who needs to hear this, but your penis isn't that weird, Jake. Okay. You often go blue with these. Yeah. Yeah. Which sometimes it's to the pro, sometimes it's a detriment. Yeah. This one is specifically about you.

Right. Which is a little bit gaming the system, but I won't veto it. Right. Because I thought about it being you. Yeah. But I... Amir. Yeah, but then people would know. Asking for a friend style joke. Right, exactly.

And I think that that would tip everybody's hat that it was or tip our hand. I think they'll think it's a 50 like tweet thing. You think so? Because it's your name specifically in the tweet. Would it be just as good of a tweet, but maybe not

perform as well if it was a random person's name? Like a friend that they don't know? I don't know who needs to hear this. Your penis isn't that weird, Kyle? Yeah. And then hashtag Kyle Rittenhouse. That's good. I don't know who needs to hear this,

but your penis isn't that weird, Kyle Rittenhouse. Yeah. That is good. That's good. I don't know who needs to hear this, but your penis isn't that weird, Kyle Rittenhouse. Yeah. Yeah. That is great, but that's not my tweet. No. I want the Jake in there. Okay. Because I do think people will appreciate you.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but your penis. Your penis isn't that weird Jake comma Jake comma Jake I don't know who needs to hear this comma but I don't

I don't know who needs to hear this no no punctuation the entire thing I don't know who needs to hear this but your penis isn't that weird Jake no punctuation no no no Jake. No punctuation. No, no, no, no.

Not no punctuation. The comment, Jake. I don't know who needs to hear this. Semicolon. What? Mdash. Hashtag space space. Yeah.

What's the – what do other people that do tweets in that style do? I'm not on Twitter. I'm not over the place. I don't remember. Okay. But this looks fine. The way it's – I don't know who needs to hear this comma, but your penis isn't that weird, comma, Jake. Yeah.

Okay. That's it. Okay. That's it. In case we can get it on the big board once I tweet it. Yep. All right. Hashtag Kyle Rittenhouse.

It's too late. Really? And because you were able to game the system and include your name, I'm not giving you that retweet power. There will be no signal boost. Yeah, that's fair. Okay. So it has to happen on natural. It has to. Okay. Well, it's not even for anything.

Yeah, I guess not. Unless you want to come up with stakes right now. What stakes would you take? $25,000? That seems high, but it's enough for a new dog. So maybe it's worth it. Casey, do you need me to DM you the tweet? Or will you be able to?

I think so. Twitter is weird. It's showing me Amir's tweets from 2020 first yeah Elon killed that shit I love what he's done with the place in a good way

I think it's awesome yeah I think the Tesla truck is cool the Cybertruck the Cybertruck's awesome if I gave you a free Cybertruck

would you drive it around as your primary vehicle or would you like feel too self-conscious um I wouldn't like to.

No, I don't think so. Free Cybertruck. But you got to drive it once a day for a year. And then I could sell it? Once a day for two years and then you can sell it. What if I, I wouldn't be able to like travel. You could travel. But I'd have to drive the Cybertruck.

Yeah. No, you could travel and then bring the Cybertruck. Yeah. No, you could travel and then bring the Cybertruck. Alright, so I'm in LA for three days right now. I would not be able to drive my Cybertruck. That's void. Really? You owe me $100,000. Yeah.

Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Okay. Six months. You have to personally drive the Cybertruck every day and then you can sell it. How much do they cost? I think 100 grand. I guess like six months of doing nothing and then making like around a little less than 100 grand. Because I'd have to – I'd probably want to – you can't just think about what my take would be because there's the cost of doing business.

I have to – Opportunity cost of doing business. You know, I have to. Opportunity cost of opportunities squandered. Yeah. And I mean, I'd have to probably pay for a garage for it because I couldn't just. Oh, my God. It already has nine likes. That's amazing. It's a runaway hit.

This is viral. It's absolutely viral. We got to finish this episode as quickly as possible. All right. One hundred ninety four views. Nine likes. This is the best performing one so far. Really? Even better than Fuck, Marry, Kill, Sex, Marriage, and Murder?

That I don't know. We'll have to pull both. I thought that one went great. I don't think it went great. Really? Well, yeah. We're still at nine. Let's take a break.

Come back, do another segment segment and keep our eyes on the like prize thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do.

Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't

i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat it's that simple and for all first time pick six players check this out new customers play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty50 in pick six credits. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code segments.

That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must be 18 plus.

Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick 6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right.

Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it

out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And Visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. This tweet is officially, get off off your phone I'm deleting it How did you not delete it?

This is probably the best performing tweet you've ever seen in your life Have you ever seen a tweet get one repost? One quote and 19 likes Can we see what the quote tweet is? Who fucking retweeted this with commentary? It wasn't me It wasn't me Log in Casey log in Casey log in I might be It wasn't me. It wasn't me. Log in.

Casey, log in. Casey, log in. I might be able to pull it up. I don't remember my log in. Unbelievable. Somebody retweeted it with the commentary, damn. That's awesome. Yeah.

Like, damn. That is, damn, that's a fucking great tweet. Somebody said- 23 likes. Just shut it down. Shut it down. All right, I'll do it again. Twitter is broken. Twitter is out. We just crashed fucking Twitter with this tweet. Somebody said... 23 likes. Just shut it down. Shut it down. Twitter is broken. Twitter is... We just crashed

fucking Twitter with this tweet. There's no way they still call it X after this, right? They have to call it penis or Jake or something in honor of. A 50 like X. What is it called now when you tweet? It used to be called a zeet. It's not really called

that anymore? No, it's just a post or a tweet or something. Wow. Awesome. Yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. So, I have a game. Yes. And the game is called Prop Quiz. I like the name. Yeah. This is

a game wherein I list props from Jake and Amir episodes. I went through, I found emails with our producers, call sheets, scripts, where we're asking for specific props for specific videos. Wow. And your job is going to be guessing the video when I list the props. Okay. So you give me props, I give you titles.

Yeah. Now, it was a little hard because oftentimes we will have a prop and name the episode after that prop. Right, exactly. Like if I said a Girl Scout sash, you would be like, oh, okay. Girl Scout. Yeah, right. All right, we'll start with an easy one. This one's kind of a gimme.

And feel free to play at home or no? Yeah, feel free to play at home. Okay, cool. Prop, fake blood, and eight to ten cartons of milk blood and milk uh is it the milkman episode that's correct wow what did we use fake blood for i don't know i think maybe there's the part two where you he headbutts you oh okay yeah he headbutts and i'm bleeding okay. Yeah. I think he headbutts you. And I'm bleeding. Yeah, I think so.

Okay. Or he headbutts me. Yeah. There is blood and milk involved. Okay. Well, that's good. That's a good warmup. Yeah.

All right. The prop. Powder makeup thing. Oh, like that? Yeah. Yeah. I remember doing that. The trick is to put it on evenly or something like that.

Something like that. It's like, uh, is it the one where I have a fashion blog? Fashion blog. Jake and Amir fashion blog? Yes. No. What?

That is from Jake and Amir powder. So I have a fashion blog in a separate episode. This one, it's, it's you and I talking. We're like laughing. Um, we're talking about how it starts off in the middle of a conversation.

I'm like, oh, that's funny. Yeah, I did notice the subway wasn't running today. You're like, yeah. So I just pulled the emergency brake. And then I'm like, and yeah, everyone was chanting asshole when you got up. And you're like, yes, that's right. Then you start putting makeup on with the powder. And I'm absolutely appalled.

And I'm like, whoa. What are you doing? It's like, what? I do the subway thing all the time. It'm like, whoa. What are you doing? He's like, what? I do the subway thing all the time. He's like, no, you're wearing makeup. It's a little foundation as well. Yeah, and then you say they have a greasy T-zone.

This is actually the one where you talk about how you got a bunch of Brazilians and your dad moves. Followed up. It's a good one. Can we refresh the tweet? You're so preoccupied. It's a good one. Can we refresh the tweet? You're so preoccupied.

It's a thousand likes, 43 likes. This is amazing. I'm running away with it. I'm running away with it. There's two reposts at this point. People are loving this. They're dancing in the streets. Have you ever seen something that transcends X?

They're having a fucking parade for this tweet. People are dancing at a gas station on Hillhurst. Yeah. Last time I saw everybody come together was like when they declared the election for Biden. Yes. Yeah. And this is a bigger deal than that. Yeah, because everyone hates him now.

This is a big deal. Yeah. This is a huge fucking deal. Okay. The props. There's one that's going to give it away, so I'm going to read these other ones first. You can stop me if you think you know the episode. Lightning round, yeah.

Props. A cigarette. A skirt. A shirt that says, I'm not good. A cigarette, a skirt, a shirt that says, I'm not good. Yeah. Okay. And then there's one other shirt that says I'm not good. Yeah. Okay. And then there's one other shirt that will give away the episode.

So I want to see if you can guess it without. Am I wearing the skirt? You are wearing the skirt. Oh, so is this the fashion blog one? This is not the fashion blog one. There is one where I'm like wearing a dress over my shirt. I think so. Yeah.

That's unrelated. Unrelated. A cigarette. Am I smoking the cigarette? I think at one point you were smoking the cigarette, yes. You're also wearing the skirt. And you say, I say you're wearing a skirt and you respond, it's jeans. I don't remember.

The other shirt is a shirt that says, the worst part about donating blood is the feeling of giving. Got it, yeah. It's from Jacob and your blood donation. I'm smoking a cigarette in it? Yeah, for one of the cuts. All right, this one you should also be able to get. So I'll give you two of the props before the one that I'll give it away. Prop, a chalkboard.

Oh, bread. That's right. The other one is a live rabbit and a loaf of bread. All right. The other one is a live rabbit and a loaf of bread. Fun fact about bread. The original live rabbit was supposed to be a baby chick. Oh, really? Yeah. So we had it as a chick and then we couldn't get a chick, but we can get a rabbit?

We got a rabbit from Petco around the corner or something or from some pet store. And then a PA that day brought the rabbit home. Oh, they still have the rabbit. This was 10 years ago. I'm sure the rabbit is dead. But here goes that pet mortality thing again. Prop, water bottle, canned food, and a slice of ham. Water bottle?

Water bottles, canned food. Canned food and a slice of ham. Part of me wants to say it's the one where I'm like eating a bag of chips and then I like rip through the chips and then I start eating my own leg. And we used, I think, sliced ham for like the skin. Oh, interesting. That's not that. Okay. But that does ring true.

That does track. Is there one where I like piss in bottles around the office to like save time or something like that? That's... Sounds familiar, but that's not. Yeah, I don't think you... I don't remember. It sounds like something you would do, but it doesn't sound familiar, if that makes sense. Alright, let's make a new episode like that. Yeah, that's good. I can give you the first line of

the episode. Okay. You walk in, holding a piece of ham. Saying, I have water bottles. And you say, we going ham. It's a tiny little half piece of ham. A single slice. Water bottles is really tripping me up.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know this one. Water bottles and canned food. Kind of like. Oh, the hurricane one? That's exactly right. Yeah.

The one that was shot in my apartment. Yes. Yeah, after Sandy, Hurricane Relief, I think it's called. Hurricane Sandy really fucked things up up there in the Northeast. Yeah. We didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but it cut off power in Manhattan for like a week. And specifically in the IAC building.

Yeah. Because it was on the West Side Highway, like right next to the water. It flooded and we couldn't work there for like a month. And specifically in the IAC building. Yeah. Because it was on the, it was on the West side highway, like right next to the water. It like flooded and we couldn't work there for like a month. Yeah. That was a huge deal. Yeah. It was a huge deal. And then like every time a hurricane came after that, we're like, oh, this might be

another Sandy. And it never quite was. No, that was the worst one. There's two more here. Okay. The props for this one are rope, a gag, a brick, and a stapler. Oh, I know this one. You're like shooting a stapler.

Or they're like shooting staplers at me. They're trying to kill me. John Wolf is in it. Is it Dog, Rotem? In Dog, in Rotem, they build an effigy of you and desecrate it. With a noose, though. Yeah, but that's not this. Oh, this is in the LA office. Everyone's trying to kill me. Oh, no, wait. This is Secret Santa 2.

I'm in a costume and they have a rope around me and they're like pulling me apart. Oh, they try... No, that's not... You're wearing a onesie with shit stain on the back. Oh, wait, wait. John Wolf staples my neck.

Yeah. So this is in the LA office. We just got there. It's actually in the New York office. Really? In that one, I think somebody also tries to staple your neck

and Michelle Santoro spits on you. They are trying to, I forget, but there was some sort of group activity. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Exactly.

Trying to hurt me. You have the theme of the episode. This is from Jake and Amir's sandwich email. You antagonize everyone to the point. Yes. I come into work. I find you tied up and I'm like, what happened? and then you're

kind of telling me the story one way but i'm like catching up on the email as uh as you're lying to me is that based on the cake email that i used to send i think so i think so does people we talked about the cake email i think we have i think we have uh the basic gist is that my mom used to send me cakes on my birthday yeah at one year i said there's free cake in the office right and then like every two weeks after that i'm like hey guys i either sent that by accident or you guys shouldn't have had the cake i need it back yeah actually i need the cake yeah i don't know why that happened let me know who ate the cake and didn't you send it one time like a year or two later yeah like i'm still following up on this i know let me know who had the cake yeah exactly uh all right this is the last one this one's the hardest one uh prop

a mug of hot tea oh full body cast That's an interesting idea. Don't I lift cereal? Oh, yeah, you do. Yeah. But I thought it was cereal. I think it's cereal. You're wearing a full body cast. You go down, you bite cereal, and then you toss it up into your face.

That's not this episode. That's a really good one. Yeah. You're like, you don't even eat this much when you're not in a full body cast. Why now are you trying to expand your power? That's a really good one. Yeah. You're like, you don't even eat this much when you're not in a full body cast. Why now are you trying to expand your power? That's a really good episode. You barely eat. I have a full body.

I've never seen you eat before. Don't I have coffee? Like, oh, I've got to wash this down with a hot, tall, hot black coffee. Yeah. Ah! Ah! I love the delayed scream. It's so jarring.

Yeah. You're frightened and then. Adrenaline kicks in. Solid up. I don't know what this hot seat one is. This is a, it's a tea party joke in Jake and Amir vote part two. Vote. Wow.

Yeah. In the back room, in the green screen room i there's one of the lines where you like make a face i say that's the worst face you ever made yeah i forget the face but there's tea involved yeah at some point you say this is like that sounds like tea party rhetoric or whatever and you splash hot tea wow do you think somebody listening got all of these yeah actually i think sandwich email was really hard because like you there's all there's many Do you think somebody listening got all of these? Yeah. Actually, I think sandwich email was really hard because like you – There's many instances. Right.

That's like – that's happened in several episodes. Yeah. We should have like a trivia game with like two kind of like people that watch the most episodes. So if you did get all of those right, let us know in the comments below. It would be fun because there's a lot of them that have fake blood, puke, shit. And you're like, okay, so this could be anything. And then also a check. You're like, oh, okay, SEO, talent show. You're trying to cross-reference all the different props.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so if you got them all right, let us know below in this YouTube video. And then maybe one day we'll feel inclined enough to have some sort of Jake and Amir trivia night. That's awesome. And we'll refresh the tweet when we get back. We have to leave them wanting something, but we all know it's a thousand,

a hundred thousand. I see, I see the paparazzo gathering outside. I don't know how, how the hell they know that I'm here. The tweet's author, when it was from your account. But maybe. It ends with your name. Yeah.

Yeah. It could be. Also, I'm here. It could be that. So even if it was them looking for me, they would be here. I don't know if I have a soundbite. They're going to obviously ask for a quote. And I've already given this.

So it feels a little aggressive to be like, hey, we need a quote. Like, well, you've already gotten my best work. So I don't know what you want me to say. Maybe I'll do, I could do like a no comment type thing. I could say no comment. You wouldn't ask Michelangelo to like, what's your follow-up to David? Just like enjoy the fucking statue.

I'll say that. Enjoy, yeah. Why don't you just look at the fucking art and leave me the fuck alone. I'm trying to live a private life. And they both have to deal with those small weird dick. That's true. That's true.

Could I, I would, I definitely still want to be with Jill and like my family and stuff. But if this goes so viral, could I get a Sabrina Carpenter? Yeah. Could I get a Kardashian? Could I date a housewife?

Could I, I don't know, homie hop to a Margot Robbie or something crazy like that? I don't know how viral you have to go on Twitter, but I mean, there's already 1,300 views. To homie hop to Margot Robbie,

it'd have to be... Or an Anne Hathaway or an Anne Heche. Heche, I'm pretty sure is bass. Really? Yeah, she got into a pretty brutal car accident. Drove into someone's house or something. Is that true? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah, had some sort of

psychotic meltdown, I believe. Oh my god, I think I need, I have to. Let's take a break. Yeah, let's take a break. Let's take a beat. Let's regroup. Yes. Let's regroup yes let's regroup look up yeah yeah i don't know if i want to see it okay quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content

you love exactly it's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do.

And we're back. Okay. What do you think it is? You think it's over 100 at this point? We haven't refreshed since 43. It could be in the millions for all we know. It's not in the millions. It could have caught fire. It's not.

I'm honestly. It's not going to halt or catch fire. It's going to be somewhere in like the 80 to 120 range. This fucking tweet just put HeadGum on the map. Do you understand that? I unfortunately think HeadGum's already on the map. Yes, it is. But this one is now this.

We can go international because this has made international news. This has made headlines. We could have an office in London, in Sydney, in Hong Kong. I deleted the tweet. Why? Why would you do that? I didn't want it to go to your head. It's clearly too much, even at 43.

Imagine what happens if we break 100. Let's refresh it. Drum roll, please. Please. Please. What do you think I don't know what to say I'm crying because I'm happy I guess I'm just emotional

I think there's a lot of you know what it is man I work so hard I try I try I try I think there's a lot of unseen work in what i do and it's not easy it's not easy and there's not a lot of excuse me there's really not a lot of like benchmarks for success you don't often get to see i can't believe i'm crying this much i can't either but like but it's hard to it's hard sometimes to give a face to your success, to be able to point to something and say, I made that. I built that.

Do you see that? You do have a company and a child. And I hate that this came from your account because people are going to maybe mistakenly associate it with you. Of course. Of course. Of course they will. But it's nice because I can always look at this. I can always point to this as a North Star, as a beacon of hope, as a way to say your effort, your work, it doesn't go unnoticed. And someday you too can have a tweet that reaches four reposts, two quotes

and 97 likes. A little amount. 3,559 views and it's been 30 minutes. You have to admit it's been 30 minutes. Sure. This is the most fertile 30 minutes. It's miraculous. It's amazing.

Why don't you say something positive about it? Because I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. It's your best attempt at a 50-like tweet. Thank you. You've surpassed it for the first time since we started playing this game. Did you cheat a little bit by adding your name to it? Would it have done as good with a Kyle? Would it have trended with a Rittenhouse?

I don't know if it necessarily would have. And would the Sistine Chapel have done as well if it wasn't God and Adam? Like, that's the fucking point of the tweet. You're saying, yeah, oh, you know, if Picasso, what if it was a starry day instead of starry night? I think that was Van Gogh. Okay. Well, whatever. Exactly.

Yeah. You want to change the art? No. Then, yeah, Van Gogh. Okay. Yeah. Well, whatever. Exactly. Yeah. You want to change the art? No. Then, yeah, I wouldn't have done as well, but I created this. It's in my image. There's no way. Let's refresh and see the hundo at least. 105 likes.

Wow. I fucking quit. We're not even done with this episode. And I'm very much done with you and your negativity. I obviously don't need you except to log into your Twitter every once in a while so I can craft some jokes and have them go absolutely viral. Yeah. This is...

I don't know who needed to hear this but your penis isn't that weird jake and here look at my dick no no no no no no it is really weird we can't do that uh all right one last segment yeah um depending on how long it lasts of course okay uh i was able to talking about our business i was able to sell another podcast app. That's incredible. Podcast ad, I should say. Yeah. This one is a live in-episode host read ad. Okay. So I did just get the copy and I was able to email it to you. So if you don't mind, we can read.

So this is baked in. Yeah, it has to be baked into the ad. Okay. Not as a mid-roller. Yeah, of course. So we have to sort of give it our all. And I know this is your first time reading it. Yeah, it has to be baked into the ad. Okay. Not as a mid-roller. Yeah, of course. So we have to sort of give it our all, and I know this is your first time reading it. Yeah, so I'm going

in a little cold, but that's fine. I am kind of a viral Twitter writer. Exactly. So you have it in your bag. Or X, as I call it. Bingo. Okay. And it's just one ad this time. Yeah. Usually we get, sell two, but this one had such a high CPM that I didn't even have to sell two ads okay that's amazing

this is just so you guys know sponsored content obviously don't skip ahead we need the views we need the clicks Jake did not write this but he will be endorsing this product implicitly yeah alright ready

coke blow snow yay yak crack charlie dust bust Ready? Coke, blow, snow, yay, yak, crack, Charlie, dust, bust, cum, and Nova. You know what these are terms for? Cocaine? Locks. No way. I mean, maybe the last one, but you said yak. You said Charlie.

It's the marbling and fattiness that give the salmon a silky quality that babies and fishermen both love. And you know the best way, or excuse me, best place to get Locke's would-be is? I mean, you're clearly high or something like that. I'm in love with the salmon! What? Baking salmon. I got bacon salmon. What's the product? A fat bag of that yayo. I got bacon salmon. What's the product? A fat bag of that yayo.

It's so cocaine. No. It's a webinar on fishing. Called a fat bag of that yayo. Exactly right. And it's hosted by yours truly, Gideon Yayo. That's you? That's Gideon Yaygo.

Hosting a webinar. On how to fish. You know what they say. Teach a man to fish and they'll have cocaine for a day. Right. So it is cocaine. Tickets are a lot. But if you use my coupon code, there's cocaine in the fish.

That'll get you 80% off. I see. So you're hosting a webinar. Sending people fishfilled with drugs or something. Not sure how or when you got that idea. Actually, for legal purposes, I may shift gears entirely. Moisture-wicking

shirts available at cost. Tees are $10. Muscle shirts are at $5. Fuck, man. Fuck, man. I'm really scared. Do you think the government will care about my t-shirt scheme? It's really good, but I don't want to die want to die it's fine probably it's fine because it's happening to me but what would you do what would you what would you do this with but but would you do this shit would you re would you re-record this saying this shit so it seems like a goof would you hang

me out to dry like you always do? End of ad. End of everything. Wow. So this also ends with me quitting. Yeah. Oddly enough, it was sort of thematically relevant and tied to the fact that you're... Yeah. I also go off a cliff's edge in this ad. Much like you did during the show itself. Yeah. Okay. I think we got that.

Our imitating life. Exactly right. Should we crank out a quick game of Who's 50 something? Oh, yeah. We got some time. Casey, pick a number one through 10. No, no, no. It's too young. Well, no, I'm going to add it to five.

Okay, that's better. Yeah. Four. Okay. Okay. 55 and a 50 foe. So that's really good. So we're playing who's 54.

Who is 54. A celebrity who's 54. Yeah. I remember once doing it with like Siri, like saying, Siri, how old is Tom Arnold? And he would say. Yeah. Does that still work? Why don't we ask her how old David Schwimmer is?

Okay, here we go. He is the benchmark. Hey Siri, how old is David Schwimmer? David Schwimmer is 57 years old. Close. Okay, close. That didn't count as my guess. No.

We were testing to see if siri would i feel like if casey said seven and you guys swimmer it would be like off like i don't even know how to explain that but it would be like 56 yeah like you wouldn't be able to nail it in one yeah no it does it does seem tough um 54 i'm gonna say uh jason bateman i was gonna say jason bateman as well really but i actually think he's 55. I was saying that because you were like, I don't know if Siri will – Hey, Siri. How old is Jason Bateman?

Jason Bateman is 55 years old. I said 55. Wow. You little piece of shit. You went 55 in a 54. You were right the whole time. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I was. Okay. So let's – oh, this is, 54 is really hard. Yeah, 55 is easy. And 57 was a piece of cake. It was a swimmer. But to hit 54 like that. 54, it's really tough.

And try not to just hop between the friends. Yeah, that's what I'm trying not to do. And I'm trying not to hop around with Arrested Development. But it's hard not to say Tony Hale. Do you know what I mean? Yes, of course. Okay, so let's think about – Politicians, athletes.

Ed Helms. Hey, Siri, how old is Ed Helms? Ed Helms is 50 years old. Good on him. Love you, Ed. Okay, I'm going to go with something completely separate. How old is Trump? There's no way, right?

Yeah, I think he's like 79. Really? Fuck. Okay, I got it. But thinking in that universe. Okay. A political sphere. Yes, a political sphere.

Who's a 54-year-old senator slash politician? Kamala Harris could probably be 54. Ted Cruz could be 54. He looks old, but he's also a bad guy. Right. You should guess him because Jason Bateman does not look 55. He's gorgeous. And if Ted Cruz is the same age, that would be really –

Ted Cruz is 38. Okay, I'll say Ted Cruz. Hey, Siri, how old is Ted Cruz is 38. Okay, I'll say Ted Cruz. Hey Siri, how old is Ted Cruz? Ted Cruz is 53 years old. Wow, younger than Jason Bateman. You really wouldn't expect that. Unbelievable, because they're both so fucking hot. Yeah, Ted Cruz is zaddy.

I'm sick of pretending he wasn't. Pete Sampras. That's a really awesome guess, man. Even if it's not even close, it's cool that you thought of Pete. Do you think it's not even close? No, it's pretty good, actually. Okay. Yeah.

Because I'm like, it's probably older, but I don't think it's older. Maybe younger, but I don't know if it's younger. Yeah, that's what I... 54 might be a direct hit. Wow. Pistol Pete Sampras. Hey, Siri, how old is Pete Sampras? Serving Bali King. Pete Sampras

is 52 years old. Oh, you're close. 52. I wonder how he's aging. Is he still with Bridget? I don't know. That'd be awesome. Yeah. Okay. From Sampras to Cruz and back again. Show me

Marco Rubio. Marco Rubio. Show me Marco Rubio. Marco Rubio. Show me Casablanca. Yeah, movies can age. Movies can age specifically to 54. No, I won't go for a movie, although it's kind of an interesting one. You can't do that.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I'm going to fucking guess Andre Agassi, and you're done. Well, a 54-year-old was born in 1970. Okay. Okay. That's interesting. Okay.

Okay. Okay. A 1970 baby. Who was 12 in 82? That's what you – oh, that's interesting. Who turned 31 on 9-11? Now we're talking. Now we're actually talking.

Anything is probable slash possible. I'll try to go to the artist-musician sphere right now. Yeah, that's what I was trying to think of, too. We did politics. We did movies. We did TV. Who's a music man who's 54-ish? God, everyone I know is, like, old, like,

Jon Bon Jovi and Bob Dylan are, like, super young. Yeah. Fucking Olivia Rodrigo. Yeah. She's in between Rodrigo and Dylan. Oh, what about, uh, no. What were you going to say? Adam Duritz from, but he's almost my age, Counting Crows.

Oh, yeah. A little older. Yeah. But 54. You think he could be 54? You think he's younger? I think he's younger. I think he's like five or eight years older than me.

Oh, interesting. Late 40s. Yeah. But someone like that. Yeah. Who was hot in the late 80s musically? Mm-hmm. The guy from the Gin Blossoms.

Yeah, but I don't remember. Oh, what about Jacob Dillon? I was thinking Jacob Dillon, too. Okay. Yeah. Hey, Siri, how old is Jacob Dillon? I found this on the web. Not famous enough for Siri to know,

then I think it almost doesn't count. Really? It has to be... Hey Siri, how old is Bob Dillon's son, Jacob Dillon? Here's what I found. Bastards. Should I look it up or should I... Yeah, you can look it up. Jacob Dillon with one headlight.

He's 54. I should have said it didn't count. How old would Agassi have been? If he was born in 1970. Jacob Dillon, wow. The guy who sang One Headlight. It's 54. The Wallflowers.

Are they still together? I don't think so. That's awesome, dude. I'm sad we didn't get the Siri-ification of it. We should almost keep playing until we hit that. You want to go Agassi? Yeah, I'll go Agassi. Hey, Siri, how old is Andre Agassi?

Andre Agassi is 54 years old. That was good. That was good. That was you matching. Yeah. Now we've got to play until one of us gets it. Give us another number, Casey. This is good. That was good. That was you matching. Now we gotta play until one of us gets it out of the match. Give us another number, Casey. Refresh the tweet.

That's what it's all about. This game is nothing that 140. 140. 140. 140. 140. That's the tweet.

Jake holding a piece of paper that says 140. Like you scored that many points in a basketball game. Yeah. This is going to end up being a triple-double. How so? There's going to be 10. Five retweets.

Yeah, and it might have 10 by tomorrow. It might. And it might have 10 quotes. That's special stuff. Alright, we hit it stuff. All right. We hit it all. Special stuff. This is why we do it.

Yeah. This was, this episode was all over the place, but in a good way. So thank you guys for listening and for watching. If you're watching, we put all these episodes on YouTube, of course. That's right. And if you want more of us, we're on Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. Ja. We probably watched a lot of those Jacob Mirrors we were talking about earlier.

Yeah. I think, I think, I think most of them. Gave commentary on that. So you can watch those all at Patreon. And of course, we'll be back next week. Let us know if you got all those answers correct to the trivia. Yeah.

Maybe we'll do a little Jacob Demir trivia. You'll have a super fan. I'll have a super fan. That's good. They'll go head to head. Yeah. Agassi v. Jacob Dillon. Style. See Dillon. Style.

See you there. That was a Hiddem Original.