Segments - 36: Hollywoodn't

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

In this episode we discuss European football and American movies. Then we read some pages from a movie we wrote.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number.

So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it. 0-9-1-3-6-6-2. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations.

They swear! Seven. Another podcast. Seven. Each app different from the last. Seven. It's the Swiss Army knife of shows. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts.

Seven. Okay, here's a note for you. You should have gone under the desk for the arms and emerged with the sunglasses on. Oh, that's good. Yeah. That's for next time. Like I went down to get the... Right.

Yeah. Right. Like I didn't see any sunglasses till you went away. Then you come back up, sunglasses. That would hit different. That's good. That's a good note. That's a really good note. Yeah. And one for our video viewers only. I think more people still listen to the podcast as opposed to watch it on YouTube, but you can do both. That's fair.

Just as a reminder yeah you might as well if you listen at your sometimes i listen to podcasts at my computer when i'm kind of doing like activities that don't uh require a ton of brain space you know um yeah and it'd be nice to play a little video in the corner i don't really do that either but i think that's just because i'm a i'm a millennial i saw you you're watching the tucker Tucker Carlson show on X. Yeah. He did this whole thing about exposing Fauci for his war crimes. So I love Tucker. And yeah. You shared the audio on a Zoom. Oh, I meant to share that just on Truth Social. But I guess I shared it on Zoom as well. And I just, yeah, all I could hear was Tucker wax waxing yeah like i love tucker yeah like i couldn't believe that yeah what do you think that is well they don't want you to say that yeah they don't

they don't want you to say that but i wonder why that is right like we heard that in the zoom in the zoom in the room yeah in the room in the zoom room yeah yeah and you just that small little clip radicalized half the company yeah and i've also in my Zoom, for any video viewers in my Zoom backwards, I've been flying different flags, Mrs. Justice Alito style. Like at half mast or full mast. Yeah, half mast, an upside down American flag, kind of dog whistling, lack of virtue signaling, etc., etc. Okay, shifting gears a little bit. Do you think there's any flag in the world, and this is for $50, that's another country's flag upside down? Ooh.

I'll say yes. And do you want to know why I'm going to say yes? Because there are some flags like the Belgian flag or the Romanian flag or the Italian flag. The Irish flag. There are just three colors. So yeah, the upside down. You flip them. Right.

Yeah. It might be three different stripes. I bet you probably said that because Belgium played Romanian soccer and you're like, oh, these flags are almost identical. Yeah, that's exactly correct. Yeah, it's like Belgium is black, yellow, red, and Romania is dark blue, yellow, and red. Right, yeah.

And they have a Tottenham player playing center back, Radu Dragushin. Radu? Radu Dragushin. Dragushin. How do you do, Radu Radu Dragooshin Dragooshin How do you do Radu He's awesome He's exactly what I want a soccer player to look like Which is

Short Thin hair Wet calves You wish You fucking wish I've been betting on some cope america and some euro 2024 action so i've been watching oh yeah let's um tell me all about them i bet on portugal to beat turkey good and they did yep three zero right three no i should say actually yeah i bet on uh

uh france to win and they tied um somebody recently yeah that's bad right not great who'd they tie who did they tie it was it the game that mbappe did not play yeah no he like hit a penalty kick and that tied him 1-1. Was it Georgia or something? Oh, okay. So it was the first game, right? I have no idea. Okay.

And then I also bet on the United States of America to pound Bolivia. And they did just that as well. Yes. And how do you feel about these? Now that the stage is set for the knockouts, we know who's in, we know who is out. Who do you think has it and who do you think doesn't have it? I think Albania's not it this year, man. Did they get eliminated?

They got eliminated. They didn't have the right stuff. That's not an interesting take. Oh, kick the ball. Oh, oh, oh. They got eliminated. They didn't have the right stuff. That's not an interesting take. Kick the ball. Oh, oh, oh. The right stuff. Kick the ball. Yeah.

Albania's out. Estonia, I don't even think fucking made it. Right. And who do you think has it, though? Because you're saying who is out of the tournament. But who do you think is in the tournament? Oh, like who's built different? Yeah, who's built different?

Who's that dude? Who's got that hog in him? Yeah. Who's that him-ian Mbappe? Who's that him-shiano Ronaldo? Yes, exactly, exactly. Radu Dragu him? Yeah.

Not England, because they were sort of 0- zero zero drawed their way back asswards into the next round so we don't like them well i like them but go on i guess uh germany is good france is good and um portugal is good and i mean so is spain so is spain you can't You can't say Spain's not. España, for sure. España, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Do you root for England because you're a Premier League fan? Or do you root for individual players because you're a fan of the world? I root for England because they've got Harry Kane, who was the Tottenham goat. And I love Harry Kane who was you know the Tottenham goat and I love Harry Kane and I think any Tottenham fan that

disparages Harry Kane or thinks it's funny that he can't win a trophy is a bastard because I think Harry's the I love Harry. It's coming home. I want it to come home and there's a lot of Premier League players on that team that I like but

two things. One, Gareth Southgate, their coach, sent home Tottenham's own James Madison, which I disagree with. The fourth president. Well, two Ds with this Madison. He sent him home. He cut him from the squad

just before the tournament. There is a little bit of resentment for me there that like i want harry to win but if they don't i want it to go so badly for southgate that he has to resign slash get fired i think he plays uninteresting uninspired boring ass safe football and it's not fun to watch there i said it what about if if southgate gets into like a uh kind of a watergate style controversy yeah so it's like i've been southern waters southgate yeah yeah yeah i've been following southern southgate gate that'd be kind of cool what happened yeah yeah um and be

interesting it could be could be i also i also root for any team that has a Tottenham player on it. So there we're talking Romania. We are talking the Netherlands with our very own Mickey van de Ven, Mickey my van de friend. They also kind of fucked up recently. They were supposed to win and they like tied or lost. Yeah, but they were already through. You know, they were already through. I think they, I think, oh yeah, they ended up losing. But like they were, through you know they were already through i think they i think oh yeah they ended up losing but like they were they were through they were

through yeah um but yeah i the netherlands portugal who else has a tot oh denmark big fan of denmark um yeah we should say that half these teams will be eliminated by the time this episode comes out that's possible it's not really evergreen but it's like an 11-day recap. Totally. Let's say the last Tottenham player involved in the tournament, Guglielmo Vicario, the backup goalkeeper on Italy. So I do want him to get his ship. You know, in hockey, they pull the goalie when they're down one

because they need an extra skater out there why don't they do that in football you're down one nil get the fucking goalie out there i know they do it sometimes for corner kicks yeah kicks but like i want like legit the goalie fucking playing forward kicking the ball trying to score a goal yeah it's huge ass mittens right i mean it mean, it's really easy. I guess it's easy in hockey, too. It's just very, like, the counter can happen so fast. But the goalie will come up.

I love when the goalie comes up for a corner. It's super exciting. Yeah. Are they good? I guess they're tall, so they can hit it in. Yeah, Becker from Liverpool got a header to win the game, I think, a few years ago. It happens.

It's awesome. Even an oops all goalie game could be interesting. You know what else is interesting? Goalies versus forwards. Sometimes the goalie will get like a red card, you know, if they make like a tackle outside their box. If they pick up the ball outside their box. So they go no goalie.

Yeah, no goalie. And then a player will take goal. Like Harry Kane, Olivier Giroud have both played in goal after the goalie gets. Do they get the mittens? Yeah, they get the mittens. They become the goalie. They get the mittens. Yeah.

They become the goalie. That's cool. Okay, one last pitch for the pitch. If ever you could choose two to five goalies and they can all do the thing the goalie thing so like you smack dab at the midfield and you're just like preventing people from crossing with your mittens oh you can i think that roll the ball yeah i think that puts it even for a goal i mean you can see how much of an advantage the goalies are at on uh you know corner kicks and crosses by by being able to jump up and claim the ball i think if there were five people on the pitch that could

do that it would just be game over it'd be yeah it'd be interesting right it'd be cool yeah tell me about this pitch gareth southgate if he's barely a coach what about barrett Barrett Southgate is there anything there Barrett no no because it's not barely yeah totally yeah all right cool and he is a coach yeah barely barely Barrett no he is he's got a head of the team yeah but I just don't think he's doing a good job at all he's like this is segments um what do you want me to say it's a show constantly evolving one minute we can talk about new rules for football and the next we can talk about fucking anything we want that's the joy of the show exactly we can talk about this or that and and we will let's revisit this whole bareth thing there is no I feel like we've already

there's a there there dead horse the horse was already gone baby you're hitting a bone with another bone bone on bone collision yes a meniscus is torn and we're feeling that friction and it's not

joyous yeah you kind of resemble a character from challengers a movie that I watched yesterday. I just shaved. You shaved. You got the hair. You got the red hat on backwards. It is a MAGA hat, I should say. Yes, that's right.

I'm not going to turn it around right now. But yeah, it's a Keep America Great hat, 2020 vintage from the stolen election. One of the characters plays tennis at Stanford. So he wears a backwards red hat in the scene like this, looking like you playing tennis. But you didn't see Challengers yet. I didn't see Challengers. I thought about seeing it. We can't do a deep dive.

I thought about it and I was going to see it. And now at this point, it's kind of left the cultural conversation. So I think I will never see it. But there was a weekend where I was on. I even loaded it. I was like, Jill, do you want to watch this? Because someone had told us to watch it. And then she wanted to watch something else.

I can't quite remember what it was. We were like also watching. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or something. It was something like that. It was like a reality show that we were watching. and then or we could like watch this good movie and we're like no let's just like finish this dumb reality thing we started and i don't even know what to watch challengers yeah but i won't now now that moment has passed that that ship has come and gone yes all right maybe if you find yourself watching tennis and then it's like, oh, now I'm in the tennis mood because there's a lot of tennis in the movie.

Yeah, I like that. Are the kids actually good at tennis? Like is Zendaya good at tennis? They lean more actors and less real tennis players. So like the acting is better than the tennis. I see. But they did teach him how to hit enough. But the ball is always digital.

So they just had to teach him how to like swing hard oh wow that's kind of perfect you'll just see a cartoon ball fly in and out damn i'm jealous yeah they just so they're form perfect i don't know if they can actually hit a ball right um but it's very tense and sexual and interesting anyway you didn't see challengers no you did see hitman yeah so that got us talking about films about movies and we did both see hitman okay quick we don't have a lot of time here but we got to do a quick a hit on hitman yeah um so this is a movie about glenn powell it's a movie starring glenn powell it's not exactly about glenn powell because i think he's playing a character i think this i think the character in the movie has actually never fucking heard of Glenn Powell. Okay?

I think he's trying to disappear into the role. Sorry, you thought Hitman was a movie about Glenn Powell. Let's, oh, that's pretty interesting. How about that? I wonder why that is. I wonder why you thought it was about Glenn Powell. I mean, come on. Sorry, did you think that Challengers was about Zendaya?

Or is it about a character? Yeah, it's kind of about Zendaya, yeah. Is it really about Zendaya? Or is it about a character she's playing? Well, she plays herself. Really? I didn't see Challengers,

so I'm actually not sure. I got kicked out for choking on popcorn during the trailers. They really shouldn't kick you out for choking. That's not on me. They thought I was doing it on purpose because it happened two times. It happened three times in a row. Right into two Heimlichs. It was corndog Heimlich into popcorn Heimlich into coffee on Raisinets

so loudly that they're like, you just can't be here, man. I'm not choking this time. I'm just having a hard time getting them down. I'm fine. Stop giving me the Heimlich. I'm telling you I'm okay. It's just that I don't like to chew them a lot. I like to try to swallow early.

Swallow early and often. Did you like Hitman starring glenn powell i'll tell you what i thought that it was an entertaining watch which was kind of all that i really wanted it to be but as soon as you start thinking about it a little bit it doesn't really stand up to uh it I don't know. There's a lot of like holes in the logic. And I thought, I think my biggest issue with the movie was that Glenn Powell in the first, you know, there's supposed to be like a conflict between this like character, this guy he's playing. That's like playing the hit man.

I believe the hit man's name is Roy. And then he's also a teacher. And his teacher persona, who he really is, is named Gary. And it's like, oh, Gary's like a timid, nervous teacher. And Roy is the cool, confident killer. But I was like, there was no difference between them to me. Gary was a hot teacher that was pretty funny and charming.

And Roy was- Well, he had glasses on. Yeah. Roy was a hot assassin that was pretty funny and charming. And Roy was. Well, he had glasses on. Yeah. Roy was a hot assassin that was pretty funny and good. And I don't think that Glenn. It's kind of interesting that he can choose. Like the idea that you can choose to be Gary or Roy. Like why would he ever choose to be Gary?

He should just always be Roy. Yeah. If you can. But it kind of culminates in like this, oh my God, which path am I? Am I a Gary or am I a Roy? And I'm like, they are not Roy. Yeah. If you can. But it kind of culminates in like this, oh my god, which path am I? Am I a Gary or am I a Roy? And I'm like they are not different. Yeah. They're basically the same. You have a lot of confidence. One just has glasses. Yeah.

So I think. If you're good at sex then you can pretend to be good at sex. But like, it's not like Gary couldn't be good at sex unless he harnessed Roy. So I could have done with a little bit more like the thing I mentioned to Jill was like

Heisenberg Bryan Cranston's like science teacher who was just like constantly getting shit on like so meek, so timid and then when he would do that turn and be Heisenberg when he like broke the kid's arm in the thrift store I was like that's that i can believe this guy is like wrestling with two

different personas for for gary and roy i was like there's not there's no drama there but that said i thought it was it was a it was a fun watch yeah it was fine more than anything yeah i think it yeah it was like a b movie but you're saying's better, it's easier to imagine a nerdy teacher being a scary assassin who's like a nerd versus a hot guy who's also a nerdy teacher. You can't buy the nerdy, the hot guy being nerdy, but you can buy the nerdy guy being a badass. I guess, yeah, I guess so. But I think they could have just, like, also he disappears into so many different, like he has like the weird teeth sometimes. Like he plays all of these different like killers.

So I think he has it in him to play a really meek, really nerdy professor, but he just never really did for this movie. So I think the flaw was in the writing and the directing. Yeah. It's weird that it wasn't a movie in theaters. It was just a Netflix movie, right? Yeah. But I feel like now he's going to be able to do anything he wants because glenn powell was great in the movie he's he's a fun watch yeah he's got the the rom-com he's got

the action and he can do it all yeah yeah he can because he's gary and he's roy if necessary he's gary and roy he's glenn at the end of the day he is glenn there was a part of the movie that had me and avital confused like when the this is kind of granular and plot related so sorry if you haven't seen it there's a point where the boyfriend of the girl the love interest or the girl, the love interest, or the husband of the love interest, was like, I want you to kill somebody for me. Right. Yeah. He hired Glenn without knowing it was Glenn. Right, exactly.

And then the whole thing is like a sting operation to have him arrested. But then instead of getting him arrested, which he easily could have in that moment, the police was waiting to arrest him. He's like, get out of here. And then he just helped him escape. And then it's like, now we got to figure out waiting to arrest him he's like get out of here and then he just like helped him escape and then it's like now we gotta like figure out how to get him but it's like you had him right where you wanted him i think that was perfectly set up to have him arrested right let him go so he could kill you or you could kill him or i think that they i think that the creators behind the movie right there might be saying that was roy taking over from gary because yeah boy in that

moment why didn't he want more like i'm gonna just i'm i lost my cool i got emotional i intimidated this guy when uh gary it's now confusing me because his name is glenn and that sounds more nerdy third normal name but yeah no Gary yeah Gary was the one that should have like completed the sting operation that might have been a little afraid of this guy that's like this is gonna be better with him behind bars but Roy was like no I'm not I'm not gonna get I'm not gonna get this guy arrested I'm gonna just stand up to him myself yeah and then he just escaped it's like he was helping the bad guy escape but I guess it would have ruined the movie if they just arrested him then and there.

Yeah. They needed him at large, but I didn't quite understand the motivation as to why the character was helping him escape. Right. I mean, I think it was just not being able to keep his cool in the moment. All right. Well, what are you going to do? And it did need to happen because that guy did need to not be arrested. It would have made the movie, you know, impossible.

Yeah. Oftentimes the answer is like, yeah, we needed to do that so that the movie could be longer and better and more interesting. And actually, since we're talking about movies, we should go to break and come back. And we were talking about doing this segment later, but I feel like it's apropos now. A nice segue. A nice segue a nice segue into the movie that we wrote yes exactly because like people are like all right wise got wise asses you poked fucking one plot hole if that in this film have you ever written a movie can you do better let's see your fucking movie yeah all right and the answer is hell yes the answer is fuck yeah

we can't wrote a capital M masterpiece 11 years ago. And we're going to read it. Because it was never made. Yeah. It was never made. But we'll read it. And it will be on the blacklist by the end of this episode. You will be saying, why didn't they make that movie?

It was perfect. You and I haven't read it in 10 years, we should say. So we don't actually. Because of politics. No. It was all politics. Yes, it was politics. We couldn't sell a ham sandwich in the room.

So we were kicked out of the circuit and system. Yeah. We couldn't raise the budget because we didn't have a store attached. Yeah, we were stonewalled from the industry. We were blackballed from the town. We were ice cold. Yeah. We were cold that year.

And since then. Hollywood was more like Hollywood not, okay? Hollywood not. Hollywood wouldn't for us, okay? Yes. I sent this to a director and he had to take, he had a few questions on it, but we never circled back. We never circled back. And met with him.

Yeah. You couldn't get him attached because he was detached. He was detached. He was completely detached from the whole project and from you we couldn't get any interesting eyes on the project because we didn't have the heat behind our reps to get that to happen it comes back to the agents because we are we have the body of work. We are saleable. We did our job. In kind, yes. You have to pitch. In good faith. You have to earn your 10%.

In good faith. Who do you send it to? Send me a list. Yeah. You sent me a list of who to send it to. Yeah. You didn't send it to the list. Mm-hmm.

Why don't you put me on BCC, okay? And I'm going to start CCing my lawyer so he can earn his 5% because you're not earning your 10. And maybe the manager is going to get his 10, okay? And I'm going to start CCing my lawyer so he can earn his 5% because you're not earning your 10. And maybe the manager is going to get his 10, okay? The tax man is going to get his 30, that's for sure. We were dropped by our reps shortly thereafter. Yeah, in bad faith. In unkind. To read the project. Yes. Let's take a break we'll read this script all right thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Yes. So the movie in question was called All In. Yeah. And it was about, shortly put two friends not unlike our characters from the web show which was the heart of everything we wrote right uh and one of them

wanted to put his entire life savings on a roulette spin and we're gonna take a road trip to do that yeah it's a road trip comedy culminating in the main character putting his life savings on red or black i forget which color it was yeah he was like uh i guess he was like kind of like a risk averse guy who like didn't have enough money for law school or something he's like and then you're like the cool guy like let's just go to vegas and fucking put it all like we'll let god decide just no i think you're the cool guy i'm the one that i'm the law student oh really yeah what were we thinking okay i was the wild and crazy one it's like we got to go to vegas and put it all on red i'm reserved and then you're like yeah i don't know this is a bad idea but like i convince you

to do it here's a question before we start reading do you remember what your name is in this movie i do not i think because again it was written in 2014 i can't think of my name but i think your name was aiden okay all right okay so let's aiden and mikey and sam there's a third person i think i'm sam and and mikey we wrote for Ben Schwartz. Interesting. Yeah. So it's a three-hander. It's a three-hander.

And it's written by me and you, starring me and you. But we fully, I mean, it's me, you, and Ben. We wrote it for the three of us. Got it. And we're all in our mid-20s because we were at the time. That's right. Okay. So we're just going to read what the cult, like the, is this the open? I don't even know.

Let's start on page two, which is interior Winnebago of us riding. And we reveal who these characters are. All right. Exterior New Britain, Connecticut day. We open on a serene suburban road. It is springtime in New England. All of a sudden, an out-of-control 1988 Winnebago careens up and over a hill,

blaring Holland 1945 by Neutral Milk Hotel. Great song. Seriously, listen to it. It's awesome. And it's true. That's cool. It's like jokes in the fucking scene direction. Yeah, so you know we're industry insiders

i'm talking to a producer right there okay yes um man one off screen this is all off screen because we're only seeing the car from the outside right exactly so i'll be man one uh and you be man uh man two and three i guess okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Stop the car. We're going to die. Or are we finally going to live? The Winnebago narrowly dodges a honking Mack truck and continues barreling down the road. Straight, right, left.

Wait, my left? That's man three. Yeah, I'm mine three and two. Uh, straight, right, left. Wait, my left or your left? Same left. The Winneb or your left? Same left! The Winnebago destroys the mailbox. I mean, this is an exciting opening to be sure.

Yeah. Whoa! Relax, it was a mailbox. Yeah, we'll leave a note. In what? Oh, nice joke. Yeah. You gotta have a joke in the first page.

Almost there. Keep her steady. Tell me when. Now. The Winnebago makes a hard left and drifts perfectly into a driveway and stops on a dime. From inside the Winnebago, we reveal our heroes. In the backseat, Aiden Snert. Aiden Snert, 25, kind-hearted, as optimistic and as smart as a child. Good.

Is covering the eyes of our driver mikey star 26 smooth talking and lean frame that's ben yeah thank ben schwartz there we go uh and now your line we made it and then ben's i told you i could get home i told you i could get home blindfolded riding shotgun is sam cooper using my own middle name. 25, smart, all American, too practical to ever be happy. I didn't say you couldn't. I said you shouldn't. Nice.

I think that's both of our middle names, technically. Really? Mine is Hebrew for Sam. Oh, that's interesting. So your middle name and mine combined. It's the perfect character. I wonder if the directors that they sent this script to got that. Yeah, we should have.

They should have had Jorma Taccone sort of dig into that. If we could have had a meeting, if we could have gotten to even just get their hands on the script and discuss it with them, it would have come out. And that would have been really, that would have been something they could have stuck their teeth into. I mean,

this is small budget comedy. Like this is exactly what you guys need. All we need right now is a car. Should we keep going? All right. This is, you know how, this is our save the cat moment.

Every script is supposed to have the, the hero quote unquote unquote doing something cool in the beginning and this is me i'm embarrassed to read this actually because i think this is like something we thought was cool at the time so let's see what happens okay uh as the guys approach as the guys approach their apartment they see an eviction notice on their neighbor's door which is barricaded shut. An officer stands outside on the stoop with their neighbor, Nadia Katriova, and her

four young children, one of whom has a stuffed penguin. The stuffed penguin is in all caps, so keep an eye on that. It's gonna come back later. You're gonna want to get that prop, but again, it's super affordable because, after all, this is a small budget comedy. Yeah. we can get 10 of

them mikey said mikey says to him i thought i smelled a pig and the officer says what and mikey being a quick talking bench schwartz says i said would you like some pig we have full pork sliders in the kitchen some hot sauce too too. Maybe a coca or an RC cola. Sam, what's going on here? Officer, Miss Katriova here has not paid a rent in two months. She's being evicted. Nadia is sobbing and muttering in Russian. Not exactly sympathetic anymore.

Begging to be let back in. Mikey takes the infant off of nadia's hand so ben schwartz holding a baby a la hangover very good uh sam says come on sir she's got four kids you can't kick her out out on the street what we can't do is allow her to live in a lovely two-bedroom apartment for free angle on the outside of the apartment. It is clearly a shithole. A cockroach calls out from under the door. Sam thinks for a second. Then, well, actually, Miss Katriova is in the middle of filing

a special defense case with the New Britain Court. What? Aiden crouches down next to Nadia's four-year-old daughter as he does the got-your-nose routine. She immediately starts crying. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's good.

All right. I'm glad we went with a little bit of a joke here. Aiden takes off. got your nose routine she immediately starts crying no no no no no it's good all right i'm glad we went with a little bit of a joke here then i say and puts it on the child she stops crying that's nice oh there we go uh sam says here in new britain connecticut you're entitled to an inspection of your home by a housing mediator withholding payment as is a renter's right in the case of serious rebuilding and or health code violations and i'd say the rotting foundation coupled with the cockroach infestation and what i suspect is asbestos in the ceiling right here miss katriova has quite a case i'm sorry mikey ben says apology accepted sir now please unlock this woman's door the officer takes the lock off and opens the front door. There's a donkey in the kitchen.

That's pretty good. A fucking burrow. Ben says, get that inspector over here ASAP. That bug is the size of a jackass. All right. Now we're cooking with gas. The script is heating up. Great.

We can't do the donkey for budgetary reasons, obviously. But it's nice to know that you guys are thinking. Yeah, goats is great. We can't do the donkey for budgetary reasons, obviously. But it's nice to know that you guys are thinking. Yeah, goats are cheaper. The officer shakes his head and walks away. Nadia and all of her kids hug Sam. Aiden's four-year-old friend hands Aiden her stuffed penguin. Again, capitalized. You're going to want to remember this penguin.

Yeah. Aiden says, thank you. Then Mikey, Benny says, i know it's tough to keep it all together sometimes if you ever need some guidance i'm your man mikey hands nadia her infant back and she's holding a and he's holding it and oh and the infant is holding a business card it reads mikey star life coach making dreams come true since 2002 technically i started in 2008 but i thought the rhyme worked. But I thought the rhyme really worked.

I mean, this is fine so far. We got three characters who are distinctly different. I guess Aiden and Mikey are kind of similar. Right. But Ben's kind of trying to make something of himself. He is a life coach.

You are, I don't know, have some kind of stunted development issue. You're just impossibly dumb. I'm more of a Roy than a Gary. Yeah. This is actually a Roy, Gary, and Glenn are the three characters here. All right, yeah.

And then it looks – that's the – so that's our save the cat. Yeah. We are – Now we're setting up the are now we show that we're a little crazy yeah yeah we're wild in the winnebago and then uh but then we're cool and compassionate as neighbors correct uh so do you want to keep going or should we call it uh let's read this next scene because it's like it sets up what this movie is i think or i hope uh now that i'm scanning it we might not uh Interior guy's apartment continuous. It is ugly, depressing, and dank.

It looks like somebody held a garage sale there in 1979 and no one bought anything. That's good. All right, your line. Sam Cooper, attorney at Lawsome. Ben says you are in Brockovich disaster. Sam and Aiden plop onto the couch.

Sam puts a newspaper down underneath him. Mikey flips on an ancient TV. Casablanca is playing. Why? That's all caps as well. You're just going to want to remember that. Why is that? I'll remind you.

Aiden's line. Oh, holding the penguin. I think I'm going to give this little guy to Donna. She's going to love it. Are you sure? Why wouldn't she? Well, just because Donna doesn't exist exist mikey says not this again gets up and go to the kitchen uh wow just because we met online on bumper buddy bumper buddy is the best way to meet potential ladies

in your area and yet donna lives on the other side of the country all right reading it now, it seems a little expository and unnatural, but this is the way things were written in 2015. Well, I tried our zip code and several ones around it, but then I tried the entire tri-state area, and I couldn't find anyone who was interested in anything more meaningful than a random hookup, which is why I set the love radius to desperation mode. I just don't want you to get hurt. I mean, Donna is a stranger. Stranger equals danger. Mikey returns from the kitchen holding three beers. Stop it. No more dad rhymes.

I can't believe you guys are fighting on our 20-year friendiversary. Mikey hands out the beers. Beers. Nice. We're cool. We're drinking beer. Whoa, is that today?

That's right. Mikey says, that's right. On this date in 1993, Aiden and I saved your life, Sam. Do you remember that? I was choking on a ham sandwich.

You saw me and I yelled for help. There's not a lot of jokes in the scene yet. No, we have to establish why we know each other. Mikey says, and who came to the rescue but little Aiden, six years old, still two feet tall somehow.

But he had seen enough episodes of Rescue 911 to know that you needed the Heimlich. And just not enough. And then I say, just not enough episodes to know what the Heimlich was. So I gave you mouth to mouth. Which caused me to vomit. Thus saving your life. And I thank you for that. Don't mention it.

Actually, this is kind of like, I know you haven't seen Challengers, but this is very similar so far. Childhood best friends giving each other mouth to mouth at a certain point. Oh, that's kind of cool. And then Mikey says, and to celebrate our time as best friends forever, I don't know, I thought we'd win the lottery if the fates allow

mikey starts handing out lottery scratch tickets aiden is overjoyed we're gonna be rich uh ben sings i want to be i want to be a billionaire so does my dad mikey and aiden laughing like now we're eating up i don't think it's up to fate to decide who wins the lottery. Don't come at me with your logic. You know what your problem is? You're afraid of losing, so you'll never win. I'm just saying you shouldn't play the lotto if the jackpot is under $130 million. Why does that matter? The odds of winning the lotto are one in 130 million, meaning your $1 bet should yield a higher jackpot than $130 million for the risk to be worth your investment. It's so hot

when you talk like a calculator you've never had a girlfriend right just checking mike tap sam's penis do not touch my penis in the apartment got it in the apartment got it ever don't touch my penis ever aiden finishes a scratch off and gasps. Winner winner chicken lunch. And that's the trailer line. It would be funny if I just won $130 million right then. The rest of the movie is about that.

Jokes on you. That's so casual. Ben pretty happy. Looks like it was worth the risk. Yeah he only won $25. Looks like it was worth the risk. Yeah, he only won $25. Which might come in handy one day. Aiden stuffs the winning ticket

into his pocket. Sam scratches off my ticket. Yeah, well, I got nothing. Me neither, but what a rush. Sam tosses his lottery ticket on a stack of mail and walks into the kitchen. Mikey notices an envelope and grabs it. Hey, Sammy baby, you got a rush. Sam tosses his lottery ticket on a stack of mail and walks into the kitchen. Mikey notices an envelope and grabs it.

Hey, Sammy baby, you got a letter. Mike follows Sam into the kitchen. A thick-ass letter from Stanford University. What's that about? Sam says, it's probably nothing. Oh yeah, Stanford's coming back. Mikey starts to open it. Hey, that's a federal crime.

Come on. Mr. Samuel Valerie Cooper. Valerie again. You really got to change the middle name it is with great pleasure that we congratulate you on your acceptance to stanford university law school what i snatch it stop fudging with me i was on the wait list i didn't think i think people actually got in off the wait list holy shit we're in we're moving to california mikey starts grinding against sam that's's where Donna lives. It's perfect. Aiden starts grinding against Sam as well. No, no, no, no. I can't go.

Don't grind on me, please. Oh, I see. So you got into Stanford and we can't afford it and that's why we do the road trip. I see. Exactly. So I have, right. Okay. So let's, we'll pause it here. We are on page 10. We can obviously finish this if anybody gives a shit.

But so I think, yeah, what's happening here is I say I can't afford Stanford. You guys are going to say exactly how much money we all have put together. Yeah. And then we realize that we're halfway to Stanford tuition. And if we just gamble it, we can go all the way. Yes, but we need to go to Vegas together to gamble it because, you know, we got to play roulette and double our money that way. And the Casablanca thing, do you remember? Like we put it in there because I think we wanted to like use some lines from it because it's about a casino and we do you remember this like weird thing that

happened where we like had like a recurring thing where we were gonna put money on 22 black as like uh a big part of the movie and then we found then we like both watched casablanca and they say 22 black in casablanca and so it's like so it's like a reference to that. Yeah. And it like made our reference when we found out. We were like, whoa, this is actually – it's coincidentally way, way cooler of a reference than we even thought because we thought it was – we thought we were just going to say here's looking at you, kid, or something. Well, no spoilers. We're only on page nine. Yeah.

No spoilers for all in. We're going to – we'll keep on reading. It's tough because we basically need a third person to read with. Yeah, maybe we can wait until Ben is on the show again, and then he can do it. Or we can eliminate one of the characters, really. I don't know why. Right, we can arguably combine Mikey and Aiden. Yeah, they're borderline the same character as is.

Which might have been one of the issues. I wonder if Ben ever—we wouldn't have ever even given it to ben would we i think we were probably waiting till we got further along which never happened again because we didn't get a director attached we didn't get a actor attached so it was just sort of yeah in limbo and then eventually it didn't happen i'd be kind of curious to look at our old email and just see what the last thing about All In was. Like we wrote it on spec because somebody told us to. And then did they ever try to get anyone to read it? Like I think the last I don't even remember it being like close to anything.

Yeah. The last thing was in my emails like two years after we wrote it that says we're talking to our indie department. I guess agents started producing their own independent movies and wanted to read this to see if there was anything there to like making this for like $3 million. I see. Well, we're still down. I mean, it's obviously we'd have to cast 25 year olds, I suppose. Well, the problem is now $3 million costs $6 million. So we need to take that three million and put it all in and that

will fund the movie there you go it's a meta behind the scenes look at how to raise cash for a film it's meta for a metaphor exactly okay that was good let's

constantly touch base and see if we can nudge along further in the script until we have a full on table read that we can sell we'll read 10 pages at a time 10 pages at a time do we have another movie? we have another movie

there's one that we wrote with Ben that maybe we'd have to ask him if we could read on our podcast oh right that one okay yeah we'll get through this one first yeah Well, there's one that we wrote with Ben that maybe we'd have to ask him if we could read on our podcast. Oh, right. That one. Okay, yeah. We'll get to this one first. Yeah.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote.

Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help.

It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly.

Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial.

Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. All right, we're back. Yes, yes. Last week, I sort of shared a segment idea that was a little half-baked where you were trying to define words. Like I gave you the word nougat and you tried to define it um didn't really have many legs right but then i thought what if we flip the script mundane definitions and i have to tell you what word that is so that way it's not like

yeah that's sort of close it's like you gave me the definition i'll give you there's a right answer yes exactly but the words are kind of mundane like chair or smile but the way they define it is kind of ambiguous i see so my my words definitely aren't as easy as smile but let's let's see how we go all right okay fine plaster used for coating wall surfaces or molding into architectural decorations. Fine plaster? Fine plaster used for coating wall surfaces or molding into architectural decorations. Is it just paint? No. It is.

Is it? Go ahead. go ahead do you have a guess into decorations is kind of the confusing part uh is it uh plastic i believe it's the i believe it's the uh material your house is made out of. Oh, what's it called? Drywall? No. That goes, that's the inside for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Time is up.

I was looking for. No, stucco. Stucco, that's correct. All right, let me give you one. A material made of a network of wire or thread. Material made of a network of wire. Cloth? No.

A material made of a network of wire or thread. An interlaced structure is the second definition. An interlaced structure. A sweater? I'll tell you, this is much more mundane. This is a mundane definition or a mun-definition for short. Okay, but I mean, it's some kind of fabric. We're talking about cross-stitch. Yep, yep, yep. definition or a mun definition for short okay but i mean it's it's some kind of fabric we're talking about cross stitch yep yep yep but think of wire or metal fiber oh metal i see so i thought

i okay i totally missed that part uh we're talking about a screen no not a screen we're talking about a colander a straineriner. No. We are talking about... Okay, fuck it. Tell me. Maybe people are yelling at their podcasts at home or in a car, but we're talking about mesh. Mesh. Well, I mean, mesh is a screen.

Okay, fine. Fine. Screen is a mesh. The definition of mesh. Mesh. Okay. A small... Mesh.

Excuse me. mesh mesh okay a small excuse me a low upholstered seat or footstool without a back or arms that typically serves also as a box it's all your stuff home decor related um an ottoman that's correct oh okay all right here's one i got one for you. All right. A type of language that consists of words and phrases that are regarded as very informal. Common? No. Cash? Oh, slang?

Yes, slang. Slang. Very good. And here's one for you if you think all of my all of my things are home decor related either yeah either of two small masses of lymphoid tissue in the throat one on each side of the root of the tongue uh i know this one yeah you do. Is it nodes? I don't know if they're a type of node, but that's not what I'm looking for. I don't think it's a node.

It's not lymph node? It's not a lymph node. Lymph node? I don't think so. Nodes in the throat. Say that again. Nodes in the throat? Either of two small masses of lymphoid tissue in the throat. One on each side of the root of the tongue.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I got it. I got it. I got it. It's tonsil. Yes, tonsil. That's correct. That is your tonsil. What is a tonsil?

You know why I didn't get it? It's because I had my tonsils removed when I was six. Right. They weren't there to think about. Yeah. Do you have tonsils? when i was six right you didn't they weren't there to think about yeah do you have tonsils uh yeah i actually have four i got yours implanted another fun fact about this you can hardly swallow okay here's one to make thoroughly clean to make scrub make scrub. To make. Scrub. No. No. To make thoroughly clean. Sterilize. No.

Okay, I'll give you the second definition. A process or period of time during which a person attempts to rid the body of substances regarded as toxic or unhealthy. Oh, detox. No. Okay. Okay. Cleanse. Yes. or unhealthy oh detox no okay okay um cleanse yes all right all right good stuff a river or stream flowing into a larger river or lake a river or stream that flows into another river or lake. Like a waterway or a canal or an inlet.

Ooh, it's funny because inlet was the first thing I looked up and I was like, that's a little too easy. So I went with a different word. It's not inlet. It's a river or a stream flowing into a larger river or lake. Aqueduct? No. No, it's not a fucking aqueduct. You moron.

What is it? It's tributary. It's tributary. Surprised you didn't know that. Thought you were the tributary king. Okay, one more. Okay. A hard, brittle substance, typically translucent, made out of fusing sand with soda, lime, and other ingredients, and then cooling rapidly.

Stucco. Nope. It sounds like it's just candy. Rock candy? nope it sounds like it's just candy rock candy a hard a hard brittle substance and this one you should feel free to play at home a hard brittle substance typically transparent or translucent made by fusing sand with soda lime and sometimes other ingredients and then cooling rapidly glass yeah glass but rock i got i got hung up on the soda of it all i didn't hear sand yeah i didn't know that they used coca-cola to make a fucking cup okay um last one for you a small seal especially one set in a ring, used instead of or with a signature to give authentication to an official document.

Emblem. No. A small seal in a ring to give an official, like when you seal an envelope shut with a specific symbol or something. Yes, exactly right. Not really mundane, more incredibly specific and niche. Yeah, that's true. I don't know.

What is this one called? It's a signet. Yeah, I did not know that. All right, here's one that's actually mundane. I'll give you this one. I gave you glass and you gave me one second a small a small a small baked unleavened bread now we're talking now we're talking that's what the fuck i meant yeah that's that shit i do like like a small what? A small baked unleavened bread. Cracker.

No. Absolutely a cracker. No. Matzah? No. No. Unleavened bread. Small. A small piece of unleavened bread.

Actually, I think it is. It should be. It's 11. I said unleavened. It's 11. You're Passover pilled, man. You can't even fucking think of leavening without unleavening. It's leavened with baking powder, baking soda, and sometimes yeast.

Got it. Yeah. Got it. So you're talking about like a bun or a cookie or something. A small, typically round cake of bread leavened with baking powder, baking soda, or sometimes yeast. So like you just skipped everything.

Yeah. It's a small, it's a muffin, quite frankly. It's not a muffin. It's not a muffin. It has to be. And now you've had a lot of hints. It's a small cake of bread. It's a biscuit. it's not a muffin and now you've had a lot of cake of bread it's a biscuit it's correct it's biscuit is it yes didn't you give me that once i feel like i

had to guess biscuit once in the game okay last one for you okay a curved sickle shape of the waxing or waning moon? Oh, I think it's, well, it's not, is it a gibbous? It's not a gibbous. It's not a gibbous. Is it a gibbet? It is not. I'll give you the second definition. A thing that has the shape of a single curve, especially one that is broad in the center

and tapers to a point at each end. A crescent. Crescent. Yes, a crescent. Didn't you say crescent in the definition? Or you said sickle? I said a curved sickle shape of a waxing arena. Good Lord.

Good Lord. And a gibbous, I think, is a nearly full moon. Yeah, well, that's not what I asked. Yeah, it's not. I just want everybody at home to know that i know kind of what gibbous means unless it's not that in which case i actually don't like an inlet was yeah yeah yeah you did let's let me give you let me give you one more actually and it is box a small pool of liquid, especially rainwater, on the ground.

That would be a puddle. That's correct. That's a puddle. A puddle is right. And that's... And that's how you play. And that's how you fucking sink the game at the buzzer. That's a goal in your shot.

Eight ball, corner pocket, tight spiral to the corner of the bank and the oscar goes to aiden all in aiden snort aiden snortyear-old moron. All right. Solid app. This was segments. You can watch it on YouTube. And for more of us, you can check out our Patreon. That's true. Patreon.com slash JA.

Yeah. We're watching Jake and Amir episodes, commenting on it, sometimes writing Jake and Amir episodes. That's true. So there's plenty of content there as well. And as always, we'll be back next week. Thanks for listening and watching, everybody. Ciao. Bye.

That was a Hiddem Original.