Segments - 382: Game Night (w/Hey Riddle Riddle!)
Episode Date: May 13, 2019Fellow HeadGum podcasters Adal Rifai, Erin Keif and JPC (Hey Riddle Riddle podcast) join us to discuss breaking the ice, solving riddles, and how to poop.For more riddles and puzzles, check o...ut Hey Riddle Riddle on HeadGum.See us all at HeadGum Live in Chicago June 14-16 at Thalia Hall!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets,
pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including
Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton
by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got,
extra pillowcases,
and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool,
but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com.
Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.
With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken,
then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.
That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.
Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Laser tag with Leron Lick it up with LeBron Yeah, like doobs would say
You can all suck on my penis
Anthony Dublin, yeah
Fuck a cheerleader twice, eat a pom-poms
Like nom-nom, like cookies from Jake's mom
My dick's a short foot like hard-won
Sitting in jacuzzis, peanut butter smoothies
Eating lots of movies, checking out the movies
Some movies twice then
Prank wars fake like Pamela's boobies
Jake and I both Hamden Hall grads
My fam gets holiday cards from his dad
Amir and I don't have a personal connection
But I think his girl is cute, I hope it works out in the end
And damn, I'ma give em this track for free
Cause a while back they made a promposal vid for me
I'm diggin' digging lonely and horny.
That's season two.
And what's my name, you ask? Oh, it's Cherry Dude.
Hi.
Hey, if I were you.
Shit.
Uh-uh.
Shit.
Hey, if I were you.
Uh-uh.
Hey, if I were you.
You do you.
Uh-uh.
The show starts now.
Woo. The show starts now That was good
That bumped
Yeah
I liked it because it was rap and it was about me
Alright, we have three guests in the studio
What did you guys think?
How many of those references did you get, Erin?
Two, maybe three
Wow, that's pretty good
That's great, that's pretty good. That's great.
That's about how many I got.
And Adel?
I got Penis and Prom Proposed.
Okay, so that's two.
All the penis, yeah.
And lastly, JPC.
Yeah, so I got LeBron James and Hard One.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, so we're up to six.
Is that a Santana song?
Yeah.
Sweet.
That was by Zach Schreiber,
who has a SoundCloud account called Lab Lives,
and my dude Johnny Glazer and Jane.
We're all day ones,
so thank you, Zach, for writing that for us.
Great song.
Loved it.
We're in the studio with three guests.
Part of the newest HeadGum podcast, I believe
still, is Hey Riddle Riddle.
Thank you so much for having us.
I've prepared a rap.
Oh my god.
Your eyes are bleeding.
I'm not scared.
She's unfurling a scroll.
The reason we haven't
had you guys on before is because you live in Chicago.
Unfortunately. Visiting LA. Had you on as soon as we could. But we're actually going to Chicago The reason we haven't had you guys on before is because you live in Chicago, unfortunately.
Visiting LA, had you on as soon as we could,
but we're actually going to Chicago to perform live comedy with you guys.
Hell yeah.
So we're going to hang out today
and then hang out in a month from now.
Can I ask, were you saying that
it's a shame we live in Chicago?
Or were you saying, unfortunately,
it's unfortunate that you all live in Chicago
because of the podcast?
Just period.
I clocked that too.
And this is how we like to do our podcast
To be super sensitive
About where we live
It's just the whole Midwest
Doesn't work for me
Large swaths of our audience
I sort of imagined you glazing over that
And then you harboring resentment
For the entire episode
But instead you just went hard at it Going back home and moving immediately I sort of imagined you like glazing over that and then like you harboring resentment for the entire episode.
But instead you just went hard at it.
Yeah. What on Chicago?
That's right.
Going back home and moving immediately.
Anything from Nevada to New Jersey is kind of a wasteland.
They call that the NTN.
Yeah.
Fly over states.
No, we love Chicago, obviously.
Jake, tell them.
Buy tickets to our show
Deep dish pizza, the 97 Bulls
We can't have enough of it
The Bean, everybody
We love memes, too
Whatever makes us young and cool
To Chicagoans or internet people in general
Honestly, the 97 Bulls, all the young kids love
Yeah
Are you guys all from Chicago?
Yeah, nothing makes you younger than loving the 97ers.
Hey, 13-year-olds,
John Paxton, right?
No, Adel and I are from the Midwest
and Aaron's from the East Coast.
I'm from Boston.
Boston?
Yeah.
Very cool.
What brought you to Chicago?
I didn't really mean to move there.
I went to take improv classes
for a summer.
Ma'am, you're on the wrong plane.
I don't care.
Yeah, and then I loved it so much and on the wrong plane. I don't care. Yeah,
and then I loved it so much
and made friends
and stayed.
Wow,
very cool.
It's cool that you guys
are all moving to LA now.
That's very cool for us.
So I'm sure you guys
know this already,
but our show
is an advice show.
People will email us.
They're in sticky situations.
We do our best
to provide our answers
with our wisdom.
Now,
I don't know
if we've ever had three guests on the show.
Three is the max.
Three is the max.
One of us cannot talk.
Oh, that'd be great.
I'll do it.
What about your rap?
She'll only rap.
You'll never hear it.
It's only because Mars, our super producer, was able to set this up for us.
I wasn't able to actually get five people in the room, but Mars figured it out.
So shout out to Mars.
It took some effort to put all of the headphones
in the right jacks.
Yeah, that was me, actually.
Well, no, not really.
No, not really.
But I figured out how to use the splitter.
You took credit for that immediately.
As far as the riddle of figuring out
how to get five people talking at the same time,
I guess I could say that I nailed that one. I do want to get five people talking at the same time i guess i could say that
i nailed that one i do want to get to riddles later but for now i guess we should answer some
real questions it's gonna be hard to go back to our our setup in chicago because this setup feels
like a like my i'm in my friend's living room yeah really comfy that's the vibe we were trying
to go for so i appreciate that yeah although now that with five people in here i'm having a hard
time like twisting my head to look at everybody. Jake's in a better
seat. Yeah, I can see everything.
I eat so nice.
Alright, here's a question called
Party Games, written
by a dude. JPC,
why don't you give this guy a fake name
so we can preserve his anonymity, but still refer
to him. Okay, do we want first and last?
Let's go first and last.
Felix Cockhammer. Wow, he's want first and last? Let's go first and last. Felix Cockhammer.
Wow, he's good.
Good luck, other two.
Oh no. That's my
one fake name I get.
That's Aaron's classic fake name I just pooched.
Adam was laughing
at that, but it'd be funny if you were staring at him.
I told you that's on the car
right over. That's the one name I was going to use.
Don't tell my dad's real name
On the podcast
He stole cockhammer
You're the cockhammer now
Alright
Cockhammer writes
Hi dudes
Me and my friend
Are having a joint
Birthday party next week
Hell yeah
How's joint spell
Blaze
That's correctly
The one way
You can say
I guess it's not a homonym
Yeah
There will be people
from different friend
groups and I'm afraid
that they won't mix
and have fun.
What are some good
games slash general
things we can do to
make it easier for
people to interact
slash meet each other?
So many of the games
I look up online are
kind of lame.
I don't want to be
lame, a lame try-hard
host, but I also
don't want to be, I
don't want this to be like every other mediocre house party.
Love, Felix Cockhammer.
P.S. Thanks for playing my song the other week.
I was pleased.
So we did that.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Do you give people credit with their real names
when they send in the songs?
Yes, those people get real names.
People are going to be able to find this person's identity.
We call them all Cockhammer.
This guy wasn't writing a...
Send our audience to a dummy sound cloud.
This wasn't a shameful question,
so we probably didn't need a fake name,
but it's tradition at this point.
Fair enough.
What are your thoughts in general about party games?
At parties.
Are you guys fans?
Are you guys thinking it's kind of lame?
I have a lot of friends who get angry at me
for organized conversation in games.
Organized conversation in games?
Both.
Organized conversation and games.
So a party comes at your house and you're like, all right, it's time to talk about.
And then you reach into a bag.
There are different kinds of small animals.
Which kind of small animals?
And people are like, let conversations be organic.
So you treat every party like it's a first date.
Yeah.
And when the conversation falls.
That's for shouting at a rave.
Rolling face.
If you can live in any state you've never been to,
what would it be?
And why?
You're dead alone in a warehouse.
You're in the calm down tent.
Yeah. JPC? This is a difficult question, too, you're in the calm down tent yeah
JPC
this is a difficult question too
because it's two different friend groups
where I feel like organized stuff works well with like
I don't know that it works well to like
blend friend groups
as icebreakers
I would say that it's better to just go like super thematic
and just throw like a murder mystery party
everybody comes
they get an info card,
they're playing a character.
And instead of actually meeting new people,
meeting these new people, everyone's a new person.
They're all in the same playing field.
And there's been a murder.
If you are new to themselves.
I prefer murder mysteries where there's no murder.
That's the mystery sorry I thought
someone would die today
Adel
thoughts on games
I gather you all think
this has been a
strong arm robbery
yeah just a light burger
somebody double parked
who cares
yeah I agree that
it's always awkward
when like somebody
turns on the music
and they're like listen up everyone here's what we're gonna do but then it's always awkward when somebody turns on the music and they're like,
listen up, everyone.
Here's what we're going to do.
Yeah.
But then it also sucks balls if the TV's on or something and everybody just starts to
do an MSDK commentary, which is a lot of parties I've been to.
Yeah, they just turn into people being sarcastic D-bags.
Yeah, everyone's trying to win the party.
So I would say, I think just starting to,
like Aaron said, something starting organically.
Like everyone just starts speaking in a certain way or, I don't know, doing a fun accent.
Doing a fun accent!
I think you need to start hanging out with non-comedy people.
Yeah.
What's more fun than this?
Boo!
Game nights are kind of a delicate Tight rope act for me
You were thrown out of a game night
Yeah I was playing mafia
At a friend's
No my girlfriend's friend's house
You can say you brought a gun
I might as well
I should have brought a gun
I'm playing mafia
Hand striped suit
Had I brought a gun
With a Tommy gun
They would have yelled at me less
If I brought the gun
They were just genuinely mad because I messed it up.
We don't have to relive that.
I'd love to hear you.
Basically, I accused someone of being a doctor.
No, I told the crowd
that I was the doctor.
I accused someone of being a mafia.
He's like, no, I'm not the mafia.
I'm like, yeah, right.
He's like, I'm not. I'm the doctor.
I'm like, you're just saying that
to act like you're important that we shouldn't kill you.
And he's like, no, I am the doctor.
How would you know I'm not the doctor?
And I said, because I'm the doctor.
And then everyone believed me.
I wasn't the doctor.
They all killed him.
He was the doctor.
And he got genuinely mad at me.
Why would you do that?
Why would you lie?
Why would you accuse?
That's what I said.
The game is all lies. Jake's on my side. Some people are against me. Why would you do that? Why would you lie? Why would you accuse? That's what I said. The game is all lies.
Jake's on my side.
Some people are against me.
I'm against you.
I'm against you.
Feel free to speak up.
I think you really messed up.
I shouldn't have done that.
Were you a...
Not even in the game.
Were you a townsperson with no role?
That's right.
Yeah, you're just an agent of chaos at that point.
See, that's what I don't understand,
but that's definitely what he thought.
He's like, if you're a townsperson with no role,
you have no business saying that. I'm like, why? We're all just accusing people of shit. He's like, if you're a townsperson with no role, you have no business saying that.
I'm like, why?
We're all just accusing people of shit.
He's acting like he actually went to medical school.
He really thought he was a doctor.
A super fun thing to do if you're rich as hell
is to buy multiple copies of Werewolf.
Put all Werewolf cards in a deck and deal them out.
If you have like 10 friends, give everybody Werewolf
and watch how everyone plays,
knowing that they're,
or I guess mafia is what you were playing.
Yeah, same similar thing.
Same amazing social experience.
I've done that a few times
and it's fascinating to see immediately
you can pick up on people's like poker.
Wait, you tell everyone that they're the bad guy?
I think you tell everyone they're the good guy.
Because if you say everyone's a werewolf
and you say werewolves open your eyes,
everyone just opens their eyes the first night and they're like,
oh, fuck you.
That would be me ruining the party.
An agent of chaos. If you tell everyone they're a good guy,
it is just absolute, utter chaos.
Because people are like, I know you have
to get me. Why aren't they killing anyone
every night? That's also closer
to real society.
Like the Salem
witch tribe.
They didn't find any real witches.
But it is hard to get games going genuinely.
But once they are going, they're very fun.
Like those Jackbox TV games.
Those are really fun.
It's like a tiny little bit of buy-in.
Because every time someone's like,
all right, everybody sit down.
We're going to play a game.
Like, fuck this.
Five minutes later, I'm like, let's go!
Team number one!
That's a done t-shirt design.
Yeah.
Once you get going, it's fun, but it's hard to start it up.
Running charades.
You guys ever play running charades?
Running charades is a great, great party game.
I would say, for this guy, I think having a game like running charades...
What is running charades?
You separate into two teams. Okay.
One person has like a list and you send a representative out into like a main like meeting room.
Okay.
They get the clue.
They run back to their team.
Once they solve, somebody else runs in.
So it's like charades where you're racing against another team to get through like 10 clues.
Interesting.
Oh, interesting.
It's super fun.
It's like very active.
It also is like really bonding
for like the 10 people
that you're with,
which is a nice way
to meet new people.
But I would also be like,
maybe I would just use alcohol
in study games,
see how everybody mixes.
And if you're like,
oh, this is not fun,
I got to whip out charades.
So use it as like
a second line of defense.
I think that's,
to me that's kind of like what party games are all the time.
Like,
I'll try to have a nice organic fun time.
I'd love to hear hypothetical questions.
I can get drunk at a party and talk hypotheticals forever.
But if there's a lull,
then you whip out a game.
But that's on somebody else.
You can talk about it forever,
but if other people aren't holding up their end of the bargain, it's like, fine, I got to bring in a game to help your ass. There's always a game. But that's on somebody else. You can talk about it forever, but if other people aren't holding up
their end of the bargain,
it's like, fine,
I gotta bring in a game
to help your ass.
There's always a hypothetical.
You're bad at party, asshole.
There's a hypothetical
that'll unlock everything.
Don't just say Delaware.
That doesn't do shit
for the conversation.
Now we have to play charades.
You fucked up the answer.
Now we're playing charades.
You're boring.
Three words.
Sounds like
get the hell out of here.
Jake, I do want to say, you said if there's a lull to introduce that.
I don't want to make this awkward.
JPC does have a podcast called From Lulls to Lulls.
Oh, wow.
It's to get a conversation started, basically.
Do you want to plug that real quick?
Oh, yeah.
Well, you did a great job.
But you can really hammer it home.
That's my podcast soon to be on the HeadGum Network.
We'll take it.
We'll have it.
Is it available?
It's ours now.
It's too late.
Every week there's new advice on how to get out of a weird conversation.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, the podcast starts out with like maybe 30, 45 minutes of dead silence,
and then you just hear me start to laugh,
and then gradually laugh until the podcast ends abruptly.
That's really perfect because then if you're in a conversation
and you'll be like, hey, have you heard about
this really, really weird podcast?
Have you heard about this fucking psychopath?
That would be a really scary podcast to fall asleep
to. Yes. Because it's just silence and then
maniacal laughter. What are you, my iTunes reviews?
Still five stars.
We'll take it. There's a thousand episodes.
And at the end of every episode you go to Lowe's. From Lowe's to Lowe's to it there's a thousand episodes and at the end of every episode
you go to Lowe's
from Lowe's to Lowe's
to Lowe's
new episodes drop
every 25 minutes
do you guys think
you have to
give people a heads up
this is a game night party
or do you just whip it out
halfway through
a regular party
whip it out
halfway through
a regular party
ooh
JPC wants the heads up
yeah
gotta do a heads up
I want a heads up
if it's a murder mystery party.
I need weeks to prepare
my character and my voice.
Then we're thinking,
I'm going shopping, you know?
I have an outfit to put on.
I'm wearing a three-piece suit.
I'm gonna get a fucking chain watch.
And it's really hard
when half the people
are not playing
and half the people are playing.
You have to have
a near 90% buy-in
for the game night.
Otherwise, there's complete and utter chaos.
Yes.
I had a party where we played Mafia
where someone showed up like 40 minutes late
and they showed up like in the middle of a round of Mafia
and it was awful.
Like I was like, welcome to the party,
sit and just fucking wait.
You can't even really talk to anyone else
because like we're in the middle of this game.
Like as people die, you can talk to them, so I hope you know them.
It sounds like me at that mafia party.
Why would you – you said that it's not a good move to accuse someone of being a doctor when you're a doctor.
I want to hear the other side.
If you are a good guy, if you're on the townspeople's side, you're just trying to survive, and the best way to survive
is to wait and listen for
the correct information. If you start accusing people
if you don't have information, it makes the game
go quicker, and there's a possibility that you could
catch all of the mafia. But as a
townsperson, waiting and listening,
waiting, watching, watching how people vote,
that's the most important thing that you can do.
Yeah, but not every townsperson
can wait. It does take one person to, like, operate on a hunt.
One hero, you could say, to operate on a hunt.
Assuming that there is a sheriff.
That guy looks very suspicious, one could say.
I think that that's valid.
But saying, like, hey, isn't it weird that this guy's voted to kill someone every day for three days?
And it's like, that's different than being like, by the way, bitch, I'm the doctor.
It's like, like no you're not
so here's what I would say
this is happening in defense
of a mirror and you can go
outside alright cause daddy's got
this and now just for listeners
Jake and I are standing on the table
we're just grabbing each other by the shoulders
trying to topple each other Jake is on his lap
but what if you have one
zany werewolf who is like cornered
about to get murdered
and he's like,
no, no, no,
I'm the fucking doctor.
And like,
nobody trusts this guy.
Like,
what's to stop
a werewolf
from saying he's the doctor?
I mean,
that's just good werewolf play.
Yeah, that's right.
You have to go
by the voting record.
This is how I pick my senators.
This is how I play my werewolf.
Sir, I should say
that it was Elizabeth Warren
who was screaming at me.
Oh, no.
Why would you do this?
You're ruining this for me.
I will say, I'm not sure if you played it in this variant, but in Werewolf or Mafia,
there's a role that is out for themselves only to be killed by the townspeople.
So they only win if they're killed by the townspeople.
It's called the Tanner or the Joker or the Jester in some things. That is a very
fun role to play. I would be good at that.
You're trying to get people to kill you
and just lying
and rattling suspicion and accusing people.
That's the one role I would love. I hate when
I'm a werewolf in these games because I don't like lying.
But if I'm out on my
own lying, no team.
No allegiance.
Just wanting to be murdered. it is the best way to
play that game that's the that's the sort of risk of the party games is that it might cause more
anger and animosity than actual camaraderie this is why i think you have to warn people that it's
going to be like a team game night thing because you might like one super fucking competitive
person might be like okay we're playing games good and then just like now they're yelling at
people and it's yeah Yeah, I would say
werewolf or mafia is like too dangerous
to play with a group of new people.
I don't know. Well, with a group of new people,
the game usually becomes
like, I don't like your fucking face.
Because it's like, if you don't know anybody,
you're randomly selecting someone to accuse,
to like, to accuse towards. And it's always
going to be someone you're like, what's their deal?
And everybody takes it personally.
Friend like people
that are really friends.
Amy's college friend.
What's your thing?
Erin you're from Boston.
Is that realistic?
Is that true to life
in terms of
in Boston every night
does the mafia open their eyes
and go kill one person?
Yeah exactly.
Just the whole city
is like the departed every day.
Whitey Bulger style.
I think that games where you end up yelling at each
other is bad for that night, but good for
friendship in the long run. Oh, that's beautiful.
It's like siblings fighting. So the next time they see each other at a party,
they're like, remember when I yelled at you and I
threw orange soda in your face?
That did almost happen to me
when the entire party accused
me of ruining their game night. But when
I saw them again, they weren't happy to see me.
There was that asshole that tried to ruin game night.
But they were all better friends because they got together and were like,
remember that douchebag in here who said he was a doctor?
It's like we were playing a party game called Party and I was voted out.
I was voted the asshole and nobody came to my defense.
You can't vote me out.
I'm not the asshole and nobody came to my defense. You can't vote me out. I'm not the asshole.
I did just recall maybe the most successful party I've been to,
which was they had everyone prepare a two and a half minute TED talk.
Whoa.
So it's like you have two and a half minutes tops and you can like bring slides.
You can bring whatever.
So you got to know a little bit about everyone's personality or sense of humor.
That's great because it's a game, but it's not competitive.
Yeah.
And it was over
within like 40 minutes
or something,
45 minutes.
I love when parties
have homework.
That's the counterpoint.
Of course,
you have to prepare
to come to the party.
And size of the party
matters too, right?
Because it's like,
is this a 10 person party
or like a 50 person party?
Because if it's a 50 person party
like for fucking kid
at just play music,
you know,
and let people mingle.
You could have like little game stations.
Oh, yeah.
Like a carnival.
Like a kindergarten class.
Talk about homework.
It's just like college when you go the first day and everyone's like, join my club.
You have your hypothetical corner.
You have the, I don't like your fucking face zone.
Why'd you direct that at me?
It'd be awesome to do a party where you're the teacher, everyone has to dress up as students,
and then you assign them,
they have to do homework and activities and projects.
You bring glue and paper.
That's fun, right?
It's a party.
It's a party Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 9 a.m.
I'll do what I did in kindergarten,
go to the little house section alone
and just take care of a baby and do chores.
Every party I've ever had,
I have a whiteboard in my apartment
and I write funniest person at the party
and then I keep switching the name out as it changes
at the evening. Oh, that's good. Like a golf
leaderboard. Ooh, great job.
We'll put the runners up so they know if they're
in contention and then they have to be on,
on, on. I would be so sad if I
was never on the board.
I make a chores board.
You're in charge of dishes, so stick around afterwards.
That's like a Huck Finn thing to do.
You're going to whitewash the fins.
So that's an actual good bit of advice to answer this guy's question.
What's a good game or thing we can get to interact and people to meet each other?
I'm not disliking the TED Talk idea.
It does require some buy-in from your guests.
And when they ask you what to bring, you're like,
can you bring chips, dip, and a four-minute presentation?
I have a choice between going to
a bar with my friends or
doing homework,
as Aaron said. I'm going to do
the homework.
I love homework, and I miss it.
You never get to do it as an adult.
There is a slight bit of
truth to that, too, though.
I think something like that is so novel
that people are like oh yeah
like we could go to a bar
any weekend
but doing like a two minute
TED talk thing
I feel like I'd be like
oh I'm excited about that
that sounds fun
people also like bragging
about what they know
a lot about
for sure
what would you guys
what would your TED talk
be about
doing good sex
alright never mind
we'll just play the music
mine would probably be
doing good sex
yeah
so it's like a co-presentation
we've never had sex
but we both are confident
we both know
exactly where it goes
you'd go first
mine's about having
actual good sex
mine would be about
holding your pee
while you sex
oh that's good
it's all sex related
TED talks
sex talks
legit
if I was to do a TED talk
and I have done this
TED talk before
it would be about budgeting
oh
that's very practical.
Thanks, man.
What's hotter than that?
Mine would be how Jennifer Lopez was the best romantic comedy actress in the early 2000s.
Whoa.
And was underrated, I think.
Does Drew Barrymore listen to this podcast?
Yeah.
You heard me, Drew.
Did you watch Second Act?
No.
Is it good?
I saw it with my mother last Mother's Day.
It was. Oh, my God. Is it good? I saw it with my mother last Mother's Day. It was.
Oh my God, what was it?
Hold on.
Let's take a break.
No, it was pretty good for a random romantic comedy
starring a 50-year-old Jennifer Lopez.
She still got it.
And you said it's called Sister Act?
No, Second Act.
Second Act.
What's that?
I was just listing her great romantic comedies.
Not that one.
The Wedding Planner.
The Wedding Planner is so good.
Yeah.
The Wedding Planner is good.
I'll give you that.
So good.
Maiden Manhattan is so good.
Yeah, and she was mostly a singer before that.
Yeah.
Wow.
Give it up for J-Lo.
Breaking your heart on the screen.
Was she an actress and then turned singer?
I thought she was like a dancer turned singer turned actor.
Yeah.
I thought she was.
Oh, wait.
Was her first movie, her first big one was Selena.
Was it?
Yeah.
Listen, we can get into Selena in my TED Talk, actually.
Let's talk about it.
What would your TED Talk be about?
Maybe like tiki culture.
Yeah, let's just play Jack Bucky.
I'd take it all back.
Actually, let's talk budgeting and tiki culture
where's everyone going i'd rather everyone yell at me it was kind of fun to be like the larry david
of the night because people were how often as an adult is there are a room full of people actually
genuinely genuinely mad at you for something you don't think you did wrong so like i didn't have
any of the guilt yeah because i didn't i didn't spill anything in your 30s and in trouble yeah from other 30 year olds yeah am i in trouble
i kept looking at my girlfriend i'm like do you is this crazy or am i like am i bad
she was like she didn't want to get into the middle of it because these are all her friends
and she's like leave she didn't want to be like leave middle of it because these are all her friends. She didn't want to be like, leave my boyfriend alone,
you guys, because that's also a little bit sadder.
But she was kind of in between you two.
This does feel very Larry David now.
Yes, people are screaming at me.
Can we put this guy on blast? Can we say his name?
I'll let you know who it is
because he is a famous person you guys
would really enjoy hearing.
It's Felix Cockholder.
Oh my god. Let's take Cockholder. Oh my God.
All right, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors. We'll be back with more questions and
answers after this. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm
slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.
Exactly.
It's a survey that lets us know what you think about
the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you,
our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes,
and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the
audience survey. That's right. So if you segments to fill out the audience survey.
That's right.
So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online,
now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks.
Take this survey and we will read the results.
It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s.
Cool.
Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people.
Yeah, you do.
Thank you to DraftKings some people. Yeah, you do.
Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.
Hey-o, DraftKings.
The NFL is back.
That's correct.
And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play
pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL.
Wow.
So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do.
I do.
Yeah, I do a lot.
This can really heighten your joy.
That's right.
I grew up a Raiders fan.
And now I'm just a fan of the league in general.
But I still have... You're a fan of gambling. Enough. Yes, of course.'m just a fan of the league in general, but I still have a fan of gambling enough.
Yes.
You're a fan of gambling.
Yes.
And I do have an affinity for the silver and black.
So if you like football as much as me,
which is not likely,
cause I do know a lot.
Like,
do you know what a nickel back,
uh,
does in a cover to defense or like, do you know what a play action passes like these are
like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you
actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it
right damn i think you should download the draftraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players.
I have a sure thing for you to put some money on.
You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple.
And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits.
Whoa-za. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings Pick 6 app now
and use code SEGMENTS.
That's code SEGMENTS for new customers
to play $5 on your first pick set
and get $50 in Pick 6 credits
only on DraftKings Pick 6.
The crown is yours.
There you go.
Anything to add?
Yeah, I was going to say,
gambling problem?
Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling.
Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut.
Must be 18 plus.
Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions.
Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario.
Void where prohibited.
One per new customer. Non-withdrawable. Pick six credits expire in six, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer.
Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months.
Limited time offer.
See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash.
Right.
Promos.
There it is.
Thanks, DraftKings.
And we're back.
Hey, do you guys have any.
Oh, it's a lesson.
Mom, I'm coming.
Gross.
Firstly, sorry about that mom, I'm coming part.
Worst stinger ever.
Secondly, I didn't prep you guys for this unsolicited advice part
because I thought it would be more fun if we just tried to answer a riddle
in homage to your podcast on the HeadGum Network,
Hey Riddle Riddle,
wherein you three try to answer riddles.
It's really fun to listen.
Try is a strong word.
Attempt to.
It's really fun to listen,
and I'm always like,
I wish I was in there with those three
trying to answer the riddles,
so why don't we do that right now if possible?
Do you guys have a riddle that me and Jake can try to answer?
I, what do you think?
Or a riddle that all of us don't
know or maybe just Jake and I don't know.
It's totally up to you guys. Again, we should have
prepared this. Yeah.
You're better at telling it. Okay.
Typo.
Mom, I'm still coming.
I have a rap?
I'm going to do, So I'll do this one.
So there is, and if you know this one, let me know.
We'll go on to a different one.
Okay.
There's a cabin in the woods.
Wait, Jake, just stay out of my fucking way.
Okay, watch this, Mom.
Jake and Amir are standing on the table.
They're Greco-Roman wrestlers.
There's a cabin in the woods.
Inside the cabin, there are ten people dead.
They all died at the same time.
And there are no footprints leading up to the cabin. How did they die. They all died at the same time.
And there are no footprints leading up to the cabin. How did they die?
They all died at the same time?
Approximately. Around the same time.
Got it.
It's not an avalanche. That's a great guess.
Yeah, like why wouldn't they have all died in the avalanche?
Because then they would have died at different times.
No, they could have. I mean, avalanches kill.
Avalanche is fucked. Murder or suicide?
There's ice. What? It was the ice. I mean, avalanche is kill. Murder. Avalanche is fuck. Murder or suicide? There's ice.
What?
It was the ice.
There's nothing.
I pivoted.
I guess it's always ice.
From what Aaron said, I pivoted because Aaron gave the answer to the riddle.
The answer to the riddle she was thinking of, the answer is ice.
I blew it.
I blew it.
The guy was murdered with an icicle?
Yeah.
So that's the one I think she was trying to get me to do, but the answer is ice.
Yeah.
It's like, tell that joke where, and then it's the punchline.
Yeah.
That was like the ice riddle.
Yeah.
So this is, why is it not just a murder-suicide?
I'm the guy that you said was playing Mafia.
I'm on his side.
You're being a fucking nightmare.
He does sound like that.
Yeah, it's unbelievable on the break that it was Danny DeVito.
It's insane.
Danny frickin' DeVito.
Ten people in a cabin.
Did you say anything about it being snowy?
You just did that in your brain
to make it more cinematic.
So there's a cabin in the woods.
Inside there's ten people dead.
They all died probably within seconds of each other,
if not the exact same time.
There's no footprints leading up to the cabin.
How did they die?
Yeah, I don't know if it's like a weird
annoying answer where it's like the guy who
killed them all didn't leave footprints.
Can I ask, if everybody dies at the
same time, Amir, how do you think a murder-suicide
works where it's like...
Because it's like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang,
bang, which is pretty much the same time.
Have you ever heard of a Rube Goldberg machine?
Can we ask questions?
Yes, please.
Were they murdered?
No.
Did they commit suicide?
No.
Old age and it's a coincidence.
It's like the notebook.
They're all holding hands.
You know how periods sync up for women?
Heart failure syncs up for octogenarians.
What about carbon monoxide? What about drinking the K about- Heart failure syncs up for octogenarians. What about- Oh, carbon monoxide.
What about drinking the Kool-Aid?
That's a really good guess.
Both great guesses.
What was Amir's guess?
Drinking the Kool-Aid.
Which is like the Hale-Bopp.
What was that?
I asked if it was suicide.
I asked if it was suicide.
Yeah.
So you have to listen.
I think what we're learning-
That's why I was curious about what you said.
When you kill yourself for a cult, Amir doesn't consider that suicide.
That's enlightenment.
Yeah, because you're not dying.
You're actually joining.
You're joining the great meteor
in the sky
as it passes overhead.
Was this a riddle
you guys answered
on the podcast
and did you guys
get it correctly?
I think it was
episode one or two.
Yeah, so one of our
original episodes,
we answered some
very classic riddles.
And I would say
that this is one of like, it's a type of riddle that is very classic.
Got it.
So it's like a lateral thinking problem.
I guessed that they were already dead and were taxidermied in the cabin.
And that was wrong.
Which is real wrong.
They were never real wrong.
Yes.
It was wrong.
Wait, you said there's no footprints?
No.
Because the guy who killed them.
Was walking, carrying Jesus on his back
the whole time.
Set them all on fire.
So, but it's,
that's just Prince General.
It's like,
because I'm thinking like,
oh, that's when I was,
Bigfoot.
That's when I was carrying you.
Yes.
It was a monster.
No, it's not important
that they're,
yeah.
It's just like,
it's basically no entrance
and no exits.
Yeah.
And it's not murder
and not suicide.
Got it. It's not like a bear attack. And it's not murder and not suicide. Got it.
It's not like a bear attack.
So it's an accidental.
If only, though.
Most likely accidental.
Yeah, okay.
No, we can't send anyone to jail, so we can't say if it wasn't an accident, but most likely.
I'll also say they were probably all seated when they died.
So it's got to be poison.
No. No. It has to be poison. No.
No.
It has to be
a really
uncomfortable chair.
That's not the
cause of death
but probably yes.
All seated
all accidental.
This is harder
than advice
because there's an
actual right answer.
Right advice
we're melting
just phone it in.
Yeah.
Yeah. We should have done the podcast you're doing but you were already doing it. Most likely there's an actual right answer. Right, advice. We're melting. Just phone it in. Yeah. Yeah, we should have done the podcast you're doing,
but you were already doing it.
Most likely there's two bathrooms in the cabin,
one in the front and one all the way in the back.
There's two what?
Bathrooms in the cabin, usually,
one all the way in the front and one in the back.
And I'll also say you two, I think,
just came from a similar cabin.
Oh.
I believe so. We did? I think so just came from a similar cabin. Oh. I believe so.
We did?
I think so.
What cabin were we in?
Portland, Oregon.
Oh, it was a goddamn plane.
Yeah.
Yes.
Fuck you, motherfucker.
The cabin of a plane.
That's the right response to a riddle.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, motherfucker is our tagline for our show.
Okay, cool.
Those were like
such good clues
that I almost can't give.
No, I fully can't
give myself credit.
You still want to say
fuck you, though.
Yeah, well, fuck you
because you couldn't
even get it with the clue.
We did a live show
last night where Adel
walked me to the answer
to a riddle
and he was like,
good, you got it.
And I'm like,
I'm not a fucking child.
I know I didn't get it. I'm an idiot.
I don't think I got any
riddles right during our live show.
It's so stressful to try to answer riddles
in front of a couple hundred people.
And then when you hear the answer, are you mad? You're like, that's not
right. That's a word joke.
No. We warn
people to say, if you know it, get a
smug look on your face and then keep it inside.
So people are usually pretty good at that. I think that's why people like listening to our shows because they
get the answer before we do and then they just like it's like when you watch jeopardy and you're
like easter island it's easter island and you keep repeating it to let everyone in the room know
i know the answer how are they not getting it right you fools right and then how do you prevent
and then somebody rings in and they're they're likeagascar, and it's right, and you're like, oh.
Well, that's the nickname for Easter Island, right?
All those heads, all those lemur heads.
Easter Island, Madagascar.
For the live shows, what we do is at the beginning, Adel says that if you yell the answer, you have to pay one of my utility bills.
You have to Venmo me for my gas bill or something like that.
It's like $61.
38 cents. Exactly. And people pay it. Yeah, or something like that. It's like $61. 38 cents.
Exactly.
And people pay it.
Yeah, people pay every time.
Worth it.
Do you guys have a classic favorite riddle that you either figured out or you didn't figure out?
Or, I don't know, one that stands out?
I have a favorite.
Do you have one?
Please, go ahead.
There's a dead body laying on the ground
and a feather next to it.
How did they die?
Airplane.
It was an airplane.
It was an airplane.
It was ice.
Isn't a lot of people are dead people?
Yeah.
It's honestly, yes.
Lots of murder.
Which is weird because there's a lot of possibilities,
but only one clever answer.
What's the feather one?
What's the answer?
Yeah.
Wow, you don't even want
to fucking entertain
for nine seconds.
I'll fucking try to figure it out.
I'm the hero that got the chicken.
I'm the hero that got
the plane one.
It's a,
you got tickled to death.
Yeah.
Basically, yeah.
Tickled to death
is basically the answer?
Yeah, he was a circus performer
swallowing a sword
and he got tickled.
Is that true? Yeah, that's the actual answer. Thatowing a sword and he got tickled. Is that true?
Yeah, that's the actual answer. That's what happened.
And I went, oh, riddles can be anything.
Oh, riddles can be terrible.
They're not all snakes. Riddles, they're just like us.
They can be assholes too.
I remember a riddle from childhood, which is
a man is lying dead in a room with 53 bicycles.
What happened?
Oh, the playing card one?
It's playing cards.
Yeah, he was cheating at cards.
That's one that I was like, that was like a playground, I feel like, riddle that people would tell.
Are they usually just puns?
Like, cabin meant airplane.
Bicycles meant playing cards.
You know the one where it's like, this guy lives on the 12th story of a penthouse or something,
and when it's raining, he takes the elevator, And when it's raining, he takes the elevator.
And when it's not, he takes the stairs.
It's because he uses his umbrella because he's short.
Yes.
To press the buttons.
Oh.
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters?
Oh.
Oh, short.
Or hort or whatever.
Hort.
Wait, what is a hort?
Short and here's a who. The word short. Yeah. Yeah, short. Or hort, or whatever. Wait, what is a hort? Short and here's a who.
We're short.
Yeah, short.
No, but hort was pretty good.
Hort was close.
Hort was close.
I get you to the one-yard line, and you punch it in, and I'm the asshole.
I ran 98 yards to the two, but Jake's the goal line back that gets the points.
Quarterback walked it in.
You turn around to me, you're like, nice try,
asshole.
What was it?
Watch this. Short.
Because you had to, yeah,
no, he pretty much said that.
Sweet. That is
very fun, and it tickles a nice,
or it scratches a nice itch. It's fun
to get it right yeah like
even my uh tickling thing remember the feather one that i nailed that you wanted the answer to
you did think it was a joke what you were saying though i don't know where you got tickled with
that yeah would you have given me credit for that on the podcast would you be like no that's not
even close we will he's actually a circus performer circus performer we'll take any win on the podcast
and then on the podcast
do you guys
one of you knows the answer
and the other two are guessing
or they're classic ones that
because in the first couple episodes
they were quote unquote classic ones
but one of you still had to find them out
and know the answer to it right
I think at first we did
we did one or two
where nobody knew the answer
so we got the questions
then we'd look up the answer
so all three of us were playing along. And then we found that it was
better to have someone leading
breadcrumbs to the home.
So now we have
one of us each episode is
Old Man Puzzles. That's good.
We'll posit all the questions. That's very good.
And how often do they end with,
fuck you? Like, oh, fuck you.
80% of the time.
We're either saying fuck you to the riddle, fuck you to each other, or fuck you to the person who submitted it.
There's never like, that was a good riddle.
I figured it out.
Awesome job.
Have you guys dipped into the car talk puzzlers?
No.
NPR, the car talk guys, it's all about cars except for they used to every once, or no, every show they would do like a riddle and then give the answer the next show.
Oh, that's great.
Was it this type of riddle?
It was similar.
But sometimes it was like – I mean, sometimes it was a riddle and sometimes it was just like a straight up like really convoluted math problem.
They would take submissions.
Sounds like these dudes have been doing it way longer and they're eating their fucking lunch.
Let's start talking about cars on Hey Riddle.
Yeah, I guess so. In Boston accent.
There are, I mean,
if you listen to something like Wait Wait Don't
Tell Me or even play like Trivial Pursuit,
to me, that's not really fun because
either you know the answer or you don't.
There's no sussing it out. But with riddles,
you can use the room. As you hear
other people's answers, you can start to
home in on it.
Right. Even though you get the answer, it's still
collaborative. Yeah, but trivia is no fun
because it's like you can't...
You'll never figure it out. If you don't know it...
How would you define the difference between a riddle
and just trivia? An interesting
answer.
Just that. You either know it or you don't.
There's no
amount of time that will get you to...
You can't figure out trivia. Yeah, exactly.
Trivia is like, you never hear a riddle
and you're like, oh, it's on the tip of my tongue.
I know this. Sean Connery.
I also think the interesting distinction
between our show and other shows that have riddles
on it is our show really
couldn't be less about the riddles.
We do do riddles on the show,
but we've had people be like,
I listen to the show and all the riddles are bad
and the people don't do very many of them.
And it's like, that's the show.
Welcome to that show.
So if you're looking for solid hour chunk
of just brain teasers, that ain't us.
We like to have fun
with the riddles
that we are doing.
There should be like a Jeopardy,
but for riddles
where they only get through
like one question
every half hour.
So it's just three people
thinking about stuff
in front of like a buzzer.
The host keeps going back
to his lunch.
They're just in a rage at the end.
You just get to see them
tear apart the studio.
It's like the Stanford
prison experiment
yeah
it's just like
alright Jeff
you're on the board
with $18
and that's all the time
we have
fuck you
cut the credits
Jeopardy could save
a lot of money doing that
a ton of money
sweet
well hey Riddle Riddle
if you want some more riddles
thank you guys
for letting us play along
let's try to answer
another classic
if I were you question
before we have to
head out of here.
Erin,
do you have a fake guy's name
for this man?
John Patrick Cohen.
God damn it.
That's your name.
John Patrick Cohen.
Yes.
Hammer.
Hammer.
Hammer.
Right.
Hey dudes,
love the show.
Wanted to say
how inspiring it is
to see Jake stay so humble after winning over 380 Golden Mics. That's awesome. Congratulations, by the way.
381 today.
I don't know if you guys know this, but Jake gives the funniest podcaster of our podcast an award at the end of every episode called the Golden Mic. He's won every, correct me if I'm wrong, but he's won every single episode.
I've not won every single episode.
Except for one
Where I co-hosted with somebody else
They got the golden mic
Ben won the golden mic
And then for the other
380 episodes
Instead of me not receiving any award
He's given out
An award called the golden turdy
It's not golden
The turdy award
It's not golden
The turdy award for shitty podcasting
And I've won that every single time.
Oh, congratulations.
Yeah.
I mean, that's an unprecedented run.
Yeah.
Have you given it out for this episode?
I won the golden mic.
There's no turdy yet.
Oh, I can still win.
So we're all...
You've already won.
You've got your name on the whiteboard.
We're all competing for last place at this point.
Very nice.
We're all competing to not get the turdy.
Sure, sure.
Got it.
I'll step it up.
But you've already won the golden mic.
I think I won the golden mic just for solving the riddle.
The cabin one?
Yeah.
I fucking nailed that.
I barely got a hint.
I barely got a hint.
He said you guys were both on this type of cabin earlier this weekend.
I assume he flew.
Did you fly?
Yeah, that's correct.
Totally.
Totally.
He walked me to the edge, but I jumped. That takes courage. I was he flew. Did you fly? Yeah, that's correct. Totally. Totally. He walked me to the edge, but I jumped.
That takes courage.
I was brave enough.
That's what I consider edging is to watch the wave.
Riddle edging.
Press a piss on me.
That's really funny.
That's almost Golden Mike worthy if I hadn't already won it for the whole time.
Well, you've given out multiple Golden Mikes before.
It'd almost be nice for you to give a few out to our guests.
Can I get a Golden Michael?
Yeah, I'll give you
a Golden Michael.
Now there's a second
Golden Mike called
the Golden Michael.
It's a golden copy
of Travolta's Michael.
Is that the one
where he learns Portuguese
in 15 minutes?
No, that's Phenomenon.
All right, anyway.
You're turning
into Turdy Turdy.
That would be
what your TED Talks
No quicker way
to get there
than to talk about phenomenon.
My TED Talk is going to be about phenomenon.
Versus Michael.
Phenomenon.
So this is this guy's problem.
My girlfriend of nine months wants me to shit in front of her.
I have a huge problem with this,
as I still have never even farted around her,
and don't plan on it anytime soon.
Take her to the soon. When she uses
the bathroom, she will leave the door wide open so she can continue to talk to me. When I use the
bathroom, I lock the door and leave the sink running so she can't hear my poops plop into
the toilet. She thinks that farting and shitting with the door open are a sign of trust and
commitment. I think it's actually very strange and pretty gross. Am I overreacting?
Or should I just man up and leave a snail trail on the bedroom floor for her as a sign
of my love?
Namaste.
Love, John Patrick Cohen.
I don't think he knows what a snail trail is.
It's more than a snail.
You definitely don't have to over-deliver on this.
She's already asking for a lot.
To give her more is too much.
These are the two extremes of bathroom use.
It's the shitting with the door open so you can talk,
and then there's the door locked plus sink running.
Where do you guys land on that spectrum?
Yeah, I was going to gauge the room,
because I feel like I'm a door-locked person,
but I'm a no-need-to-leave-the-sink running.
I've been married almost a year,
and I still shut the door and leave the sink running. I've been married almost a year and I still shut the
door and run the sink. Lock it?
I mean, she's not
going to walk in. That's where the lock
is a little extreme. I guess that's where the trust comes.
Well, you run the sink. I run the sink.
I think there's something nice to keeping the...
The thing is, I've had
girlfriends where we
shit. We've had a lot
of girlfriends where we shit in front of each other.
And I think it sort of like
ruins the romance a little bit.
Okay.
It takes away the mystique.
I like that there's this layer.
What if she just thinks
you're diarrhea-ing in there?
It's like you go in there
and she just hears a faucet
running water.
She's like, whoa, Jake.
Another nine minute long
diarrhea sesh. All right. Nice. Erin, where, Jake, another nine minute long diarrhea sesh.
Nice.
Erin,
where do you land
on the specch?
I'll pee in front of anyone
at any time.
Oh, that's true.
I could pee in front
of all of you guys right now.
Because it already sounds
like a sink run.
Yeah.
Erin,
you peed on Splash Mountain
Saturday.
I don't need everyone
to know that.
Yeah, it's fine.
No, just everyone
on our podcast
and their podcast.
And the listeners.
I got so surprised that I got so wet on Splash Mountain that I peed.
I got scared and was like, uh, and then released my pee too.
You were scared of how wet you were.
Yeah.
Like a cat.
I thought it would be this much water.
And then fully released my pee too, so I was covered in my own pee
and then also Splash Mountain water,
which is probably also pee.
Yeah.
That's where Splash Mountain gets its water.
It was a dry run up until 1990.
Were you wearing a bathing suit?
Oh, I was just in regular clothes.
Cool.
All right.
No further questions.
But on the duty spectrum,
you lock in, you run in the sink,
you leave it open?
My boyfriend is very open.
He just farts constantly in front of me
and doesn't care, but I don't know. I i think don't do it i think especially don't like
push someone's boundaries on what they feel comfortable yeah that's the bigger question
like that her being a little bit more aggressive like you have to do this either be apathetic or
don't care you like i don't know right this at this point he's not the one being weird
like shit in front of me aaron did you say either be apathetic or don't care?
Those are the same thing.
What word becomes apathetic when you add a letter to it?
I think you just don't push anyone's boundary on that at all.
Yeah.
Don't force someone into yours.
But it's interesting when you have somebody on like two completely polar ends of this poop spectrum.
But he does point like,
it doesn't sound like
he cares that she does it.
Like she shits in front of him.
And he's like,
it's not like he's saying,
hey, how do I get my girlfriend
to close the door when she shits?
He's just saying,
I don't want to do the same thing.
Yeah.
So do you tell your lady friend,
you know what?
I don't feel comfortable
or like, you know what?
Let's take a baby step.
I won't lock the door.
How about that? No, I say you're either not comfortable
or you take it to the other bookend where it's like
you eat like 10 pieces of Nashville
hot chicken and just like
be like, is this what you wanted?
And then like...
Shit's so bad that she never wants to.
It's not like immersion therapy.
It's either I don't want to go in the pool or I'm in the
Marianas Trench.
Kill the shit
Yeah exactly
When it comes to poop
Don't try to change someone's mind
Yeah
People have stuff from their whole lives
And that's your tattoo right?
Yeah
It's on my face
That's my face tattoo
Yeah I just don't think
You should change someone's mind
If they don't like farts
Then they don't like farts
Yeah you fart in front of your boy?
No Oh only by accident I recently I farted so loud think you should change someone's mind. If they don't like farts, then they don't like farts. Yeah, you fart in front of your boy? No.
Oh, only by accident. I recently I farted so loud that I
woke both of us up. Whoa.
And you guys weren't even sleeping.
It was that loud. It made you fall asleep
and wake up. Yeah, they became born-again Christians.
And also, they were sleeping
at their separate places. We joined a cult.
When you're looking at the moon
and I'm looking at that same moon and I fart, you wake up. Dubs flying out of a tree. When you're looking at the moon and I'm looking at that same moon
and I fart, you wake up.
Dubs flying out of a tree.
Farting, I think, is like intimacy.
Yeah, you're so open to farting,
but you'll run the sink when you poop.
I find that a little hip poop critical of you, actually.
He did it!
That's gotta be Golden Mike worth getting a no.
I'm getting a no.
I mean, you really are the doctor.
Poop pun is a turdy.
Yeah, that's a motto turdy.
What?
You stepped in there.
No wonder I've won
every single episode.
But yeah, it's the same noise.
The farting noise
and the shifting noise
is the same.
One you'll do openly
in front of her.
Yeah.
And one you'll mask.
It's hip poop critical.
Nice.
I agree.
Can I say it?
That's just what I do.
It's usually not the same
noise. It's the same. If it's the same noise,
you need to shit when you're farting, my man.
Don't shit where you poop.
Don't queef where you fart.
Definitely.
Definitely don't fart where you poop. I think my biggest
issue with this is her argument, which is that
pooping with the door open is
a sign of trust and commitment, where I would
argue trust and commitment is... Trust that i'm shitting you maybe have deeper you maybe have deeper issues
if it's like are you shitting in there i want to see you shit it's like once i had a guy who said
he was shitting he was fucking his ass yeah like are you shitting are you texting veronica like i
think that there needs to be like a different conversation that happens at some stage here
yeah the trust issue when we out, it's an even bigger
thing, which is like, what is trust in this
relationship? Is it just keeping the
door unlocked while you're shitting? I almost feel
like she means to say intimacy.
Yeah. Because it's such a private thing.
She's like, let me in on all of your privacy.
But I think privacy is a good thing. Yeah.
Privacy is nice. You guys hold in in farts?
No. I will say that I've held in
farts in relationships before, and I think the relationships where I don guys holding in farts? No. I will say that I've held in farts in relationships before,
and I think the relationships
where I don't hold in farts
are better relationships.
Because you're not suffering from stomach issues.
Yeah.
Gas floating.
Holding in farts is a lie.
Can I make a bit of a lateral move?
Wait, that's a great tattoo.
I'll put it on my face.
Holding in farts is a lie.
9-11 was an inside fart.
Ted Kennedy killed those farts. I want to make on my face. Holding in parts is a lie. 9-11 was an inside part. Ted Kennedy killed those farts.
I want to make a lateral move.
In a public restroom, if there's like multiple stalls, so in an airport or something, do you, if you poop, do you flush the toilet and then poop so that it masks it?
Do you cough?
Do you do any of that?
No, I'm free for all.
This is a bathroom.
I'm in a public bathroom.
If there's people in the stalls next to you, because I hear all, it's a cacophony of, it's
like pet sounds in there.
Like some people cough while they poop, so they think you can't hear it.
Some people flush, go in immediately flush while they poop, so that you just hear flushing
instead of the pooping.
No, I'm not, I don't care what strangers hear.
I flush while I poop in a public bathroom, but it's a courtesy flush.
Okay.
Yeah. That's more about the- Yeah, the smell. public bathroom but it's a courtesy flush. Okay. Yeah.
That's more about the
smell.
Yeah, the smell.
But I'm not trying
to mask anything.
Okay.
When you say pet sounds
did you mean actual
animal noises
or the Beach Boys?
The Beach Boys.
Got it.
I will say that
if I'm in a public restroom
and I have to shit
I will get self-conscious
about like the sound
that that's going to make
so I will put in headphones
and if I put in headphones
and I'm listening to I can't hear it I don't give a shit what's happening. I, so I will put in headphones. And if I put in headphones and I'm listening to,
I can't hear it,
I don't give a shit what's happening.
I'll go fucking hog wild in there.
I can't relate to this.
We don't do that in women's restrooms.
We just listen to Celine Dion
and braid each other's hair.
There's always a couch in there.
If you're sitting in a public restroom,
you should fake a really important phone call.
She's like, no, I don't care.
No, you just do what you have to do.
Buy, sell, Buy, sell!
So much business.
Who's that guy insider trading?
So there's no,
in a women's restroom, public restroom, there's no
sound? Shitiquette?
There's no shitiquette? They're all silencers.
Great shit pun, but that's a
turdy.
I'll be with friends in hell.
I'm sure it's the exact same.
Yeah, there's got to.
I mean, girls poop too, which is another t-shirt.
For now.
Okay.
But we should invest some money in that.
Let me ask another kind of lateral question on this, though.
If you're in a situation where someone like your significant other is taking a shower,
and it's one bathroom, like maybe it's a hotel.
They're taking a shower, and you really bathroom, like maybe it's a hotel, they're taking a shower
and you really have to shit,
like it's an emergency.
Are you holding it
or are you going in
while they're in the shower and shitting?
Ooh, if it's a hotel,
I might go to the lobby
because there's a readily available bathroom.
Fuck, I forgot about that.
If it's at your house or a cabin,
then I'll do it.
I'll have to do it.
You got to do it.
You got to do it, yeah. What am it You gotta do it You have to do it
Yeah
What am I gonna do
Take a shit
And a Ziploc
And freeze it
So that she doesn't find out
And then she'll find it
Like three weeks later
What is that
Oh I was gonna surprise you
I love instead of hiding it
You put it in the freezer
Yeah
It's like why is there
Shit in the
No yeah
I like your idea
She won't smell it
In the freezer
And then she's like
What is this
It's like oh it's brownie batter.
I was going to surprise you for your birthday.
She's like, oh, can I have a little nibble?
I really want to taste it.
Like, no, no, no, wait, it's a surprise.
What happens next?
She throws it away and nothing happens.
A friend of mine was talking about, like, we were talking about growing up, you know, in the Midwest, I guess.
And somebody was like, you know when you take your shit stick and you break up a big poop to make sure it flushes?
And everyone in the room was like, what?
You know every family has a shit stick?
A stick you keep in the bathroom closet
to break up big poop so they flush?
And we're like, no.
A shit stick?
And this kid, he grew up with a shit stick?
Yeah, and he thought it was a Midwest thing.
So he's very
confidently in the room being like, we've all been there.
And everyone's like, no, you're disgusting.
Yeah.
Horrifying.
That's a fun insult for someone calling them a shit stick.
Shit stick.
That's good.
I wouldn't even break up my stick, my shit with you, you shit stick.
All right.
Do we answer this question at all?
Am I overreacting or should I just man up and leave a snail trail?
So is he overreacting or should he man up?
He's not overreacting.
She should respect his boundaries.
It's not about trust.
It's about wanting some privacy.
That's beautiful.
This needs to be part of a larger conversation.
That we should have.
That we should all have.
She should trust that he wants his privacy.
There's a reason he wants to keep that behind closed doors.
Yeah.
So take that, John Patrick Cohen's girlfriend.
All right, sweet.
We are out of time.
Thank you guys so much for flying to LA just to do this show.
I guess you got a Disneyland trip out of it,
so that's not a complete waste of time.
Can we get our parking validated?
We will talk offline with regards to that.
One last time, it's HeyRiddleRiddle,
name of your podcast.
Anything else you guys want to promote while you're here?
Yeah, I didn't say a fake name, but I was going to say Mackenzie Palenta. That's HeyRiddleRiddle. Name of your podcast. Anything else you guys want to promote while you're here? Yeah, I didn't say a fake name, but I was
going to say Mackenzie Palenta.
That's pretty good.
Mackenzie Palenta. We'll use it
next episode. You can also check out, I do
another podcast called Hello from the Magic Tavern, so check
that out. Oh, yeah. And if you're ever in Chicago,
you can see the three of us play
at IO Chicago in World News Tonight.
Hell, yeah. And you guys are part of HeadGum Live
as well. Oh, yeah. we'll be at Talia Hall.
That's Father's Day, I believe.
Sunday Father's Day.
Sunday Bloody Father's Day.
Are you just reading my tank top?
You gonna bring your daddies?
No, I don't talk to my dad.
Well, what a great way to end.
He's a great guy.
We just haven't caught up.
That reminds me. I'll call him now
and if you two are now
addicted to riddles
which I assume you are
please feel free to come on
our show anytime
I would love to come on
we would be
maybe when we're in Chicago
yeah
that would be amazing
oh please
that's a verbal contract
alright
and can we do one quick thing
I'm handing each of you
Jake and Amir a card
one of you is a doctor
and one of you is a mafioso
okay
and you just have to discern
who is...
I'm the fucking doctor.
You're ruining
the game.
You're not a doctor because I am. I earned it by getting
the card.
How can you take that away from me?
It would be great if they took that card and framed
it and put it above their desk.
I'm a doctor. I never lie.
Even during this game called Lying to Each Other, I would never lie about'm a doctor. I never lie. Even during this game called
Lying to Each Other, I would never lie about
being a doctor. I got an honorary doctor
at Danny DeVito's house. There's
lying and then there's games.
Alright, thanks so much for listening
everybody. If you have your own questions or theme songs
submissions, send them all down to ifireashow
at gmail.com. The opening one was written by
Zach. This closing one is written by Samuel.
Thanks to Adal.
Adal.
Adal.
Adal.
Adal.
If you're saying that
I've been real sweet,
you can call me Adal.
Okay.
Thanks to you guys
for coming on the show.
See you back next week.
It's time to talk about
our third roommate.
She's like,
wait, what?
He's like,
I live with someone
named General Clugliness.
I don't know what to do.
I need some
help from two Jews.
They'll help
you with your life.
But no chutzpah
or pride.
I'm looking
to see some cheese.
But these
girls keep ghosting me
She's stealing all my thumbs
Should I tell about the broken condom?
I don't know what to do
I need some help from 2Choose
They'll help you with your life.
With no chutzpah or pride.
You did a really good job.
I don't know why you're upset.