Segments - 382: Game Night (w/Hey Riddle Riddle!)

Episode Date: May 13, 2019

Fellow HeadGum podcasters Adal Rifai, Erin Keif and JPC (Hey Riddle Riddle podcast) join us to discuss breaking the ice, solving riddles, and how to poop.For more riddles and puzzles, check o...ut Hey Riddle Riddle on HeadGum.See us all at HeadGum Live in Chicago June 14-16 at Thalia Hall!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.
Starting point is 00:01:12 With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Laser tag with Leron Lick it up with LeBron Yeah, like doobs would say You can all suck on my penis Anthony Dublin, yeah Fuck a cheerleader twice, eat a pom-poms Like nom-nom, like cookies from Jake's mom
Starting point is 00:01:53 My dick's a short foot like hard-won Sitting in jacuzzis, peanut butter smoothies Eating lots of movies, checking out the movies Some movies twice then Prank wars fake like Pamela's boobies Jake and I both Hamden Hall grads My fam gets holiday cards from his dad Amir and I don't have a personal connection
Starting point is 00:02:12 But I think his girl is cute, I hope it works out in the end And damn, I'ma give em this track for free Cause a while back they made a promposal vid for me I'm diggin' digging lonely and horny. That's season two. And what's my name, you ask? Oh, it's Cherry Dude. Hi. Hey, if I were you.
Starting point is 00:02:32 Shit. Uh-uh. Shit. Hey, if I were you. Uh-uh. Hey, if I were you. You do you. Uh-uh.
Starting point is 00:02:40 The show starts now. Woo. The show starts now That was good That bumped Yeah I liked it because it was rap and it was about me Alright, we have three guests in the studio What did you guys think? How many of those references did you get, Erin?
Starting point is 00:03:02 Two, maybe three Wow, that's pretty good That's great, that's pretty good. That's great. That's about how many I got. And Adel? I got Penis and Prom Proposed. Okay, so that's two. All the penis, yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:13 And lastly, JPC. Yeah, so I got LeBron James and Hard One. Okay. Oh, okay. Yeah, so we're up to six. Is that a Santana song? Yeah. Sweet.
Starting point is 00:03:25 That was by Zach Schreiber, who has a SoundCloud account called Lab Lives, and my dude Johnny Glazer and Jane. We're all day ones, so thank you, Zach, for writing that for us. Great song. Loved it. We're in the studio with three guests.
Starting point is 00:03:43 Part of the newest HeadGum podcast, I believe still, is Hey Riddle Riddle. Thank you so much for having us. I've prepared a rap. Oh my god. Your eyes are bleeding. I'm not scared. She's unfurling a scroll.
Starting point is 00:04:01 The reason we haven't had you guys on before is because you live in Chicago. Unfortunately. Visiting LA. Had you on as soon as we could. But we're actually going to Chicago The reason we haven't had you guys on before is because you live in Chicago, unfortunately. Visiting LA, had you on as soon as we could, but we're actually going to Chicago to perform live comedy with you guys. Hell yeah. So we're going to hang out today and then hang out in a month from now.
Starting point is 00:04:14 Can I ask, were you saying that it's a shame we live in Chicago? Or were you saying, unfortunately, it's unfortunate that you all live in Chicago because of the podcast? Just period. I clocked that too. And this is how we like to do our podcast
Starting point is 00:04:27 To be super sensitive About where we live It's just the whole Midwest Doesn't work for me Large swaths of our audience I sort of imagined you glazing over that And then you harboring resentment For the entire episode
Starting point is 00:04:44 But instead you just went hard at it Going back home and moving immediately I sort of imagined you like glazing over that and then like you harboring resentment for the entire episode. But instead you just went hard at it. Yeah. What on Chicago? That's right. Going back home and moving immediately. Anything from Nevada to New Jersey is kind of a wasteland. They call that the NTN. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:58 Fly over states. No, we love Chicago, obviously. Jake, tell them. Buy tickets to our show Deep dish pizza, the 97 Bulls We can't have enough of it The Bean, everybody We love memes, too
Starting point is 00:05:13 Whatever makes us young and cool To Chicagoans or internet people in general Honestly, the 97 Bulls, all the young kids love Yeah Are you guys all from Chicago? Yeah, nothing makes you younger than loving the 97ers. Hey, 13-year-olds, John Paxton, right?
Starting point is 00:05:28 No, Adel and I are from the Midwest and Aaron's from the East Coast. I'm from Boston. Boston? Yeah. Very cool. What brought you to Chicago? I didn't really mean to move there.
Starting point is 00:05:38 I went to take improv classes for a summer. Ma'am, you're on the wrong plane. I don't care. Yeah, and then I loved it so much and on the wrong plane. I don't care. Yeah, and then I loved it so much and made friends and stayed.
Starting point is 00:05:48 Wow, very cool. It's cool that you guys are all moving to LA now. That's very cool for us. So I'm sure you guys know this already, but our show
Starting point is 00:05:56 is an advice show. People will email us. They're in sticky situations. We do our best to provide our answers with our wisdom. Now, I don't know
Starting point is 00:06:04 if we've ever had three guests on the show. Three is the max. Three is the max. One of us cannot talk. Oh, that'd be great. I'll do it. What about your rap? She'll only rap.
Starting point is 00:06:16 You'll never hear it. It's only because Mars, our super producer, was able to set this up for us. I wasn't able to actually get five people in the room, but Mars figured it out. So shout out to Mars. It took some effort to put all of the headphones in the right jacks. Yeah, that was me, actually. Well, no, not really.
Starting point is 00:06:35 No, not really. But I figured out how to use the splitter. You took credit for that immediately. As far as the riddle of figuring out how to get five people talking at the same time, I guess I could say that I nailed that one. I do want to get five people talking at the same time i guess i could say that i nailed that one i do want to get to riddles later but for now i guess we should answer some real questions it's gonna be hard to go back to our our setup in chicago because this setup feels
Starting point is 00:06:53 like a like my i'm in my friend's living room yeah really comfy that's the vibe we were trying to go for so i appreciate that yeah although now that with five people in here i'm having a hard time like twisting my head to look at everybody. Jake's in a better seat. Yeah, I can see everything. I eat so nice. Alright, here's a question called Party Games, written by a dude. JPC,
Starting point is 00:07:16 why don't you give this guy a fake name so we can preserve his anonymity, but still refer to him. Okay, do we want first and last? Let's go first and last. Felix Cockhammer. Wow, he's want first and last? Let's go first and last. Felix Cockhammer. Wow, he's good. Good luck, other two. Oh no. That's my
Starting point is 00:07:31 one fake name I get. That's Aaron's classic fake name I just pooched. Adam was laughing at that, but it'd be funny if you were staring at him. I told you that's on the car right over. That's the one name I was going to use. Don't tell my dad's real name On the podcast
Starting point is 00:07:46 He stole cockhammer You're the cockhammer now Alright Cockhammer writes Hi dudes Me and my friend Are having a joint Birthday party next week
Starting point is 00:07:56 Hell yeah How's joint spell Blaze That's correctly The one way You can say I guess it's not a homonym Yeah
Starting point is 00:08:03 There will be people from different friend groups and I'm afraid that they won't mix and have fun. What are some good games slash general things we can do to
Starting point is 00:08:12 make it easier for people to interact slash meet each other? So many of the games I look up online are kind of lame. I don't want to be lame, a lame try-hard
Starting point is 00:08:22 host, but I also don't want to be, I don't want this to be like every other mediocre house party. Love, Felix Cockhammer. P.S. Thanks for playing my song the other week. I was pleased. So we did that. Yeah, you're welcome.
Starting point is 00:08:36 Do you give people credit with their real names when they send in the songs? Yes, those people get real names. People are going to be able to find this person's identity. We call them all Cockhammer. This guy wasn't writing a... Send our audience to a dummy sound cloud. This wasn't a shameful question,
Starting point is 00:08:50 so we probably didn't need a fake name, but it's tradition at this point. Fair enough. What are your thoughts in general about party games? At parties. Are you guys fans? Are you guys thinking it's kind of lame? I have a lot of friends who get angry at me
Starting point is 00:09:03 for organized conversation in games. Organized conversation in games? Both. Organized conversation and games. So a party comes at your house and you're like, all right, it's time to talk about. And then you reach into a bag. There are different kinds of small animals. Which kind of small animals?
Starting point is 00:09:19 And people are like, let conversations be organic. So you treat every party like it's a first date. Yeah. And when the conversation falls. That's for shouting at a rave. Rolling face. If you can live in any state you've never been to, what would it be?
Starting point is 00:09:35 And why? You're dead alone in a warehouse. You're in the calm down tent. Yeah. JPC? This is a difficult question, too, you're in the calm down tent yeah JPC this is a difficult question too because it's two different friend groups where I feel like organized stuff works well with like
Starting point is 00:09:53 I don't know that it works well to like blend friend groups as icebreakers I would say that it's better to just go like super thematic and just throw like a murder mystery party everybody comes they get an info card, they're playing a character.
Starting point is 00:10:07 And instead of actually meeting new people, meeting these new people, everyone's a new person. They're all in the same playing field. And there's been a murder. If you are new to themselves. I prefer murder mysteries where there's no murder. That's the mystery sorry I thought someone would die today
Starting point is 00:10:29 Adel thoughts on games I gather you all think this has been a strong arm robbery yeah just a light burger somebody double parked who cares
Starting point is 00:10:39 yeah I agree that it's always awkward when like somebody turns on the music and they're like listen up everyone here's what we're gonna do but then it's always awkward when somebody turns on the music and they're like, listen up, everyone. Here's what we're going to do. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:47 But then it also sucks balls if the TV's on or something and everybody just starts to do an MSDK commentary, which is a lot of parties I've been to. Yeah, they just turn into people being sarcastic D-bags. Yeah, everyone's trying to win the party. So I would say, I think just starting to, like Aaron said, something starting organically. Like everyone just starts speaking in a certain way or, I don't know, doing a fun accent. Doing a fun accent!
Starting point is 00:11:14 I think you need to start hanging out with non-comedy people. Yeah. What's more fun than this? Boo! Game nights are kind of a delicate Tight rope act for me You were thrown out of a game night Yeah I was playing mafia At a friend's
Starting point is 00:11:30 No my girlfriend's friend's house You can say you brought a gun I might as well I should have brought a gun I'm playing mafia Hand striped suit Had I brought a gun With a Tommy gun
Starting point is 00:11:40 They would have yelled at me less If I brought the gun They were just genuinely mad because I messed it up. We don't have to relive that. I'd love to hear you. Basically, I accused someone of being a doctor. No, I told the crowd that I was the doctor.
Starting point is 00:11:55 I accused someone of being a mafia. He's like, no, I'm not the mafia. I'm like, yeah, right. He's like, I'm not. I'm the doctor. I'm like, you're just saying that to act like you're important that we shouldn't kill you. And he's like, no, I am the doctor. How would you know I'm not the doctor?
Starting point is 00:12:11 And I said, because I'm the doctor. And then everyone believed me. I wasn't the doctor. They all killed him. He was the doctor. And he got genuinely mad at me. Why would you do that? Why would you lie?
Starting point is 00:12:22 Why would you accuse? That's what I said. The game is all lies. Jake's on my side. Some people are against me. Why would you do that? Why would you lie? Why would you accuse? That's what I said. The game is all lies. Jake's on my side. Some people are against me. I'm against you. I'm against you. Feel free to speak up.
Starting point is 00:12:30 I think you really messed up. I shouldn't have done that. Were you a... Not even in the game. Were you a townsperson with no role? That's right. Yeah, you're just an agent of chaos at that point. See, that's what I don't understand,
Starting point is 00:12:40 but that's definitely what he thought. He's like, if you're a townsperson with no role, you have no business saying that. I'm like, why? We're all just accusing people of shit. He's like, if you're a townsperson with no role, you have no business saying that. I'm like, why? We're all just accusing people of shit. He's acting like he actually went to medical school. He really thought he was a doctor. A super fun thing to do if you're rich as hell
Starting point is 00:12:55 is to buy multiple copies of Werewolf. Put all Werewolf cards in a deck and deal them out. If you have like 10 friends, give everybody Werewolf and watch how everyone plays, knowing that they're, or I guess mafia is what you were playing. Yeah, same similar thing. Same amazing social experience.
Starting point is 00:13:12 I've done that a few times and it's fascinating to see immediately you can pick up on people's like poker. Wait, you tell everyone that they're the bad guy? I think you tell everyone they're the good guy. Because if you say everyone's a werewolf and you say werewolves open your eyes, everyone just opens their eyes the first night and they're like,
Starting point is 00:13:26 oh, fuck you. That would be me ruining the party. An agent of chaos. If you tell everyone they're a good guy, it is just absolute, utter chaos. Because people are like, I know you have to get me. Why aren't they killing anyone every night? That's also closer to real society.
Starting point is 00:13:41 Like the Salem witch tribe. They didn't find any real witches. But it is hard to get games going genuinely. But once they are going, they're very fun. Like those Jackbox TV games. Those are really fun. It's like a tiny little bit of buy-in.
Starting point is 00:13:56 Because every time someone's like, all right, everybody sit down. We're going to play a game. Like, fuck this. Five minutes later, I'm like, let's go! Team number one! That's a done t-shirt design. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:06 Once you get going, it's fun, but it's hard to start it up. Running charades. You guys ever play running charades? Running charades is a great, great party game. I would say, for this guy, I think having a game like running charades... What is running charades? You separate into two teams. Okay. One person has like a list and you send a representative out into like a main like meeting room.
Starting point is 00:14:32 Okay. They get the clue. They run back to their team. Once they solve, somebody else runs in. So it's like charades where you're racing against another team to get through like 10 clues. Interesting. Oh, interesting. It's super fun.
Starting point is 00:14:43 It's like very active. It also is like really bonding for like the 10 people that you're with, which is a nice way to meet new people. But I would also be like, maybe I would just use alcohol
Starting point is 00:14:54 in study games, see how everybody mixes. And if you're like, oh, this is not fun, I got to whip out charades. So use it as like a second line of defense. I think that's,
Starting point is 00:15:04 to me that's kind of like what party games are all the time. Like, I'll try to have a nice organic fun time. I'd love to hear hypothetical questions. I can get drunk at a party and talk hypotheticals forever. But if there's a lull, then you whip out a game. But that's on somebody else.
Starting point is 00:15:22 You can talk about it forever, but if other people aren't holding up their end of the bargain, it's like, fine, I got to bring in a game to help your ass. There's always a game. But that's on somebody else. You can talk about it forever, but if other people aren't holding up their end of the bargain, it's like, fine, I gotta bring in a game to help your ass. There's always a hypothetical. You're bad at party, asshole.
Starting point is 00:15:30 There's a hypothetical that'll unlock everything. Don't just say Delaware. That doesn't do shit for the conversation. Now we have to play charades. You fucked up the answer. Now we're playing charades.
Starting point is 00:15:41 You're boring. Three words. Sounds like get the hell out of here. Jake, I do want to say, you said if there's a lull to introduce that. I don't want to make this awkward. JPC does have a podcast called From Lulls to Lulls. Oh, wow.
Starting point is 00:15:56 It's to get a conversation started, basically. Do you want to plug that real quick? Oh, yeah. Well, you did a great job. But you can really hammer it home. That's my podcast soon to be on the HeadGum Network. We'll take it. We'll have it.
Starting point is 00:16:09 Is it available? It's ours now. It's too late. Every week there's new advice on how to get out of a weird conversation. Oh, I'm so sorry. No, the podcast starts out with like maybe 30, 45 minutes of dead silence, and then you just hear me start to laugh, and then gradually laugh until the podcast ends abruptly.
Starting point is 00:16:25 That's really perfect because then if you're in a conversation and you'll be like, hey, have you heard about this really, really weird podcast? Have you heard about this fucking psychopath? That would be a really scary podcast to fall asleep to. Yes. Because it's just silence and then maniacal laughter. What are you, my iTunes reviews? Still five stars.
Starting point is 00:16:42 We'll take it. There's a thousand episodes. And at the end of every episode you go to Lowe's. From Lowe's to Lowe's to it there's a thousand episodes and at the end of every episode you go to Lowe's from Lowe's to Lowe's to Lowe's new episodes drop every 25 minutes do you guys think
Starting point is 00:16:52 you have to give people a heads up this is a game night party or do you just whip it out halfway through a regular party whip it out halfway through
Starting point is 00:17:00 a regular party ooh JPC wants the heads up yeah gotta do a heads up I want a heads up if it's a murder mystery party. I need weeks to prepare
Starting point is 00:17:08 my character and my voice. Then we're thinking, I'm going shopping, you know? I have an outfit to put on. I'm wearing a three-piece suit. I'm gonna get a fucking chain watch. And it's really hard when half the people
Starting point is 00:17:19 are not playing and half the people are playing. You have to have a near 90% buy-in for the game night. Otherwise, there's complete and utter chaos. Yes. I had a party where we played Mafia
Starting point is 00:17:29 where someone showed up like 40 minutes late and they showed up like in the middle of a round of Mafia and it was awful. Like I was like, welcome to the party, sit and just fucking wait. You can't even really talk to anyone else because like we're in the middle of this game. Like as people die, you can talk to them, so I hope you know them.
Starting point is 00:17:48 It sounds like me at that mafia party. Why would you – you said that it's not a good move to accuse someone of being a doctor when you're a doctor. I want to hear the other side. If you are a good guy, if you're on the townspeople's side, you're just trying to survive, and the best way to survive is to wait and listen for the correct information. If you start accusing people if you don't have information, it makes the game go quicker, and there's a possibility that you could
Starting point is 00:18:14 catch all of the mafia. But as a townsperson, waiting and listening, waiting, watching, watching how people vote, that's the most important thing that you can do. Yeah, but not every townsperson can wait. It does take one person to, like, operate on a hunt. One hero, you could say, to operate on a hunt. Assuming that there is a sheriff.
Starting point is 00:18:31 That guy looks very suspicious, one could say. I think that that's valid. But saying, like, hey, isn't it weird that this guy's voted to kill someone every day for three days? And it's like, that's different than being like, by the way, bitch, I'm the doctor. It's like, like no you're not so here's what I would say this is happening in defense of a mirror and you can go
Starting point is 00:18:51 outside alright cause daddy's got this and now just for listeners Jake and I are standing on the table we're just grabbing each other by the shoulders trying to topple each other Jake is on his lap but what if you have one zany werewolf who is like cornered about to get murdered
Starting point is 00:19:06 and he's like, no, no, no, I'm the fucking doctor. And like, nobody trusts this guy. Like, what's to stop a werewolf
Starting point is 00:19:14 from saying he's the doctor? I mean, that's just good werewolf play. Yeah, that's right. You have to go by the voting record. This is how I pick my senators. This is how I play my werewolf.
Starting point is 00:19:22 Sir, I should say that it was Elizabeth Warren who was screaming at me. Oh, no. Why would you do this? You're ruining this for me. I will say, I'm not sure if you played it in this variant, but in Werewolf or Mafia, there's a role that is out for themselves only to be killed by the townspeople.
Starting point is 00:19:38 So they only win if they're killed by the townspeople. It's called the Tanner or the Joker or the Jester in some things. That is a very fun role to play. I would be good at that. You're trying to get people to kill you and just lying and rattling suspicion and accusing people. That's the one role I would love. I hate when I'm a werewolf in these games because I don't like lying.
Starting point is 00:19:58 But if I'm out on my own lying, no team. No allegiance. Just wanting to be murdered. it is the best way to play that game that's the that's the sort of risk of the party games is that it might cause more anger and animosity than actual camaraderie this is why i think you have to warn people that it's going to be like a team game night thing because you might like one super fucking competitive person might be like okay we're playing games good and then just like now they're yelling at
Starting point is 00:20:24 people and it's yeah Yeah, I would say werewolf or mafia is like too dangerous to play with a group of new people. I don't know. Well, with a group of new people, the game usually becomes like, I don't like your fucking face. Because it's like, if you don't know anybody, you're randomly selecting someone to accuse,
Starting point is 00:20:40 to like, to accuse towards. And it's always going to be someone you're like, what's their deal? And everybody takes it personally. Friend like people that are really friends. Amy's college friend. What's your thing? Erin you're from Boston.
Starting point is 00:20:54 Is that realistic? Is that true to life in terms of in Boston every night does the mafia open their eyes and go kill one person? Yeah exactly. Just the whole city
Starting point is 00:21:02 is like the departed every day. Whitey Bulger style. I think that games where you end up yelling at each other is bad for that night, but good for friendship in the long run. Oh, that's beautiful. It's like siblings fighting. So the next time they see each other at a party, they're like, remember when I yelled at you and I threw orange soda in your face?
Starting point is 00:21:17 That did almost happen to me when the entire party accused me of ruining their game night. But when I saw them again, they weren't happy to see me. There was that asshole that tried to ruin game night. But they were all better friends because they got together and were like, remember that douchebag in here who said he was a doctor? It's like we were playing a party game called Party and I was voted out.
Starting point is 00:21:40 I was voted the asshole and nobody came to my defense. You can't vote me out. I'm not the asshole and nobody came to my defense. You can't vote me out. I'm not the asshole. I did just recall maybe the most successful party I've been to, which was they had everyone prepare a two and a half minute TED talk. Whoa. So it's like you have two and a half minutes tops and you can like bring slides. You can bring whatever.
Starting point is 00:21:59 So you got to know a little bit about everyone's personality or sense of humor. That's great because it's a game, but it's not competitive. Yeah. And it was over within like 40 minutes or something, 45 minutes. I love when parties
Starting point is 00:22:08 have homework. That's the counterpoint. Of course, you have to prepare to come to the party. And size of the party matters too, right? Because it's like,
Starting point is 00:22:17 is this a 10 person party or like a 50 person party? Because if it's a 50 person party like for fucking kid at just play music, you know, and let people mingle. You could have like little game stations.
Starting point is 00:22:26 Oh, yeah. Like a carnival. Like a kindergarten class. Talk about homework. It's just like college when you go the first day and everyone's like, join my club. You have your hypothetical corner. You have the, I don't like your fucking face zone. Why'd you direct that at me?
Starting point is 00:22:42 It'd be awesome to do a party where you're the teacher, everyone has to dress up as students, and then you assign them, they have to do homework and activities and projects. You bring glue and paper. That's fun, right? It's a party. It's a party Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 9 a.m. I'll do what I did in kindergarten,
Starting point is 00:22:55 go to the little house section alone and just take care of a baby and do chores. Every party I've ever had, I have a whiteboard in my apartment and I write funniest person at the party and then I keep switching the name out as it changes at the evening. Oh, that's good. Like a golf leaderboard. Ooh, great job.
Starting point is 00:23:10 We'll put the runners up so they know if they're in contention and then they have to be on, on, on. I would be so sad if I was never on the board. I make a chores board. You're in charge of dishes, so stick around afterwards. That's like a Huck Finn thing to do. You're going to whitewash the fins.
Starting point is 00:23:26 So that's an actual good bit of advice to answer this guy's question. What's a good game or thing we can get to interact and people to meet each other? I'm not disliking the TED Talk idea. It does require some buy-in from your guests. And when they ask you what to bring, you're like, can you bring chips, dip, and a four-minute presentation? I have a choice between going to a bar with my friends or
Starting point is 00:23:47 doing homework, as Aaron said. I'm going to do the homework. I love homework, and I miss it. You never get to do it as an adult. There is a slight bit of truth to that, too, though. I think something like that is so novel
Starting point is 00:24:03 that people are like oh yeah like we could go to a bar any weekend but doing like a two minute TED talk thing I feel like I'd be like oh I'm excited about that that sounds fun
Starting point is 00:24:11 people also like bragging about what they know a lot about for sure what would you guys what would your TED talk be about doing good sex
Starting point is 00:24:18 alright never mind we'll just play the music mine would probably be doing good sex yeah so it's like a co-presentation we've never had sex but we both are confident
Starting point is 00:24:28 we both know exactly where it goes you'd go first mine's about having actual good sex mine would be about holding your pee while you sex
Starting point is 00:24:35 oh that's good it's all sex related TED talks sex talks legit if I was to do a TED talk and I have done this TED talk before
Starting point is 00:24:42 it would be about budgeting oh that's very practical. Thanks, man. What's hotter than that? Mine would be how Jennifer Lopez was the best romantic comedy actress in the early 2000s. Whoa. And was underrated, I think.
Starting point is 00:24:55 Does Drew Barrymore listen to this podcast? Yeah. You heard me, Drew. Did you watch Second Act? No. Is it good? I saw it with my mother last Mother's Day. It was. Oh, my God. Is it good? I saw it with my mother last Mother's Day. It was.
Starting point is 00:25:07 Oh my God, what was it? Hold on. Let's take a break. No, it was pretty good for a random romantic comedy starring a 50-year-old Jennifer Lopez. She still got it. And you said it's called Sister Act? No, Second Act.
Starting point is 00:25:20 Second Act. What's that? I was just listing her great romantic comedies. Not that one. The Wedding Planner. The Wedding Planner is so good. Yeah. The Wedding Planner is good.
Starting point is 00:25:29 I'll give you that. So good. Maiden Manhattan is so good. Yeah, and she was mostly a singer before that. Yeah. Wow. Give it up for J-Lo. Breaking your heart on the screen.
Starting point is 00:25:37 Was she an actress and then turned singer? I thought she was like a dancer turned singer turned actor. Yeah. I thought she was. Oh, wait. Was her first movie, her first big one was Selena. Was it? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:47 Listen, we can get into Selena in my TED Talk, actually. Let's talk about it. What would your TED Talk be about? Maybe like tiki culture. Yeah, let's just play Jack Bucky. I'd take it all back. Actually, let's talk budgeting and tiki culture where's everyone going i'd rather everyone yell at me it was kind of fun to be like the larry david
Starting point is 00:26:12 of the night because people were how often as an adult is there are a room full of people actually genuinely genuinely mad at you for something you don't think you did wrong so like i didn't have any of the guilt yeah because i didn't i didn't spill anything in your 30s and in trouble yeah from other 30 year olds yeah am i in trouble i kept looking at my girlfriend i'm like do you is this crazy or am i like am i bad she was like she didn't want to get into the middle of it because these are all her friends and she's like leave she didn't want to be like leave middle of it because these are all her friends. She didn't want to be like, leave my boyfriend alone, you guys, because that's also a little bit sadder. But she was kind of in between you two.
Starting point is 00:26:51 This does feel very Larry David now. Yes, people are screaming at me. Can we put this guy on blast? Can we say his name? I'll let you know who it is because he is a famous person you guys would really enjoy hearing. It's Felix Cockholder. Oh my god. Let's take Cockholder. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:27:05 All right, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors. We'll be back with more questions and answers after this. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the
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Starting point is 00:28:04 Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL.
Starting point is 00:28:32 Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general.
Starting point is 00:28:45 But I still have... You're a fan of gambling. Enough. Yes, of course.'m just a fan of the league in general, but I still have a fan of gambling enough. Yes. You're a fan of gambling. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely, cause I do know a lot.
Starting point is 00:28:58 Like, do you know what a nickel back, uh, does in a cover to defense or like, do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draftraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on.
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Starting point is 00:30:34 Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Hey, do you guys have any. Oh, it's a lesson. Mom, I'm coming. Gross.
Starting point is 00:30:53 Firstly, sorry about that mom, I'm coming part. Worst stinger ever. Secondly, I didn't prep you guys for this unsolicited advice part because I thought it would be more fun if we just tried to answer a riddle in homage to your podcast on the HeadGum Network, Hey Riddle Riddle, wherein you three try to answer riddles. It's really fun to listen.
Starting point is 00:31:11 Try is a strong word. Attempt to. It's really fun to listen, and I'm always like, I wish I was in there with those three trying to answer the riddles, so why don't we do that right now if possible? Do you guys have a riddle that me and Jake can try to answer?
Starting point is 00:31:26 I, what do you think? Or a riddle that all of us don't know or maybe just Jake and I don't know. It's totally up to you guys. Again, we should have prepared this. Yeah. You're better at telling it. Okay. Typo. Mom, I'm still coming.
Starting point is 00:31:42 I have a rap? I'm going to do, So I'll do this one. So there is, and if you know this one, let me know. We'll go on to a different one. Okay. There's a cabin in the woods. Wait, Jake, just stay out of my fucking way. Okay, watch this, Mom.
Starting point is 00:31:55 Jake and Amir are standing on the table. They're Greco-Roman wrestlers. There's a cabin in the woods. Inside the cabin, there are ten people dead. They all died at the same time. And there are no footprints leading up to the cabin. How did they die. They all died at the same time. And there are no footprints leading up to the cabin. How did they die? They all died at the same time?
Starting point is 00:32:11 Approximately. Around the same time. Got it. It's not an avalanche. That's a great guess. Yeah, like why wouldn't they have all died in the avalanche? Because then they would have died at different times. No, they could have. I mean, avalanches kill. Avalanche is fucked. Murder or suicide? There's ice. What? It was the ice. I mean, avalanche is kill. Murder. Avalanche is fuck. Murder or suicide? There's ice.
Starting point is 00:32:26 What? It was the ice. There's nothing. I pivoted. I guess it's always ice. From what Aaron said, I pivoted because Aaron gave the answer to the riddle. The answer to the riddle she was thinking of, the answer is ice. I blew it.
Starting point is 00:32:37 I blew it. The guy was murdered with an icicle? Yeah. So that's the one I think she was trying to get me to do, but the answer is ice. Yeah. It's like, tell that joke where, and then it's the punchline. Yeah. That was like the ice riddle.
Starting point is 00:32:48 Yeah. So this is, why is it not just a murder-suicide? I'm the guy that you said was playing Mafia. I'm on his side. You're being a fucking nightmare. He does sound like that. Yeah, it's unbelievable on the break that it was Danny DeVito. It's insane.
Starting point is 00:33:08 Danny frickin' DeVito. Ten people in a cabin. Did you say anything about it being snowy? You just did that in your brain to make it more cinematic. So there's a cabin in the woods. Inside there's ten people dead. They all died probably within seconds of each other,
Starting point is 00:33:22 if not the exact same time. There's no footprints leading up to the cabin. How did they die? Yeah, I don't know if it's like a weird annoying answer where it's like the guy who killed them all didn't leave footprints. Can I ask, if everybody dies at the same time, Amir, how do you think a murder-suicide
Starting point is 00:33:37 works where it's like... Because it's like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, which is pretty much the same time. Have you ever heard of a Rube Goldberg machine? Can we ask questions? Yes, please. Were they murdered? No.
Starting point is 00:33:52 Did they commit suicide? No. Old age and it's a coincidence. It's like the notebook. They're all holding hands. You know how periods sync up for women? Heart failure syncs up for octogenarians. What about carbon monoxide? What about drinking the K about- Heart failure syncs up for octogenarians. What about- Oh, carbon monoxide.
Starting point is 00:34:07 What about drinking the Kool-Aid? That's a really good guess. Both great guesses. What was Amir's guess? Drinking the Kool-Aid. Which is like the Hale-Bopp. What was that? I asked if it was suicide.
Starting point is 00:34:15 I asked if it was suicide. Yeah. So you have to listen. I think what we're learning- That's why I was curious about what you said. When you kill yourself for a cult, Amir doesn't consider that suicide. That's enlightenment. Yeah, because you're not dying.
Starting point is 00:34:28 You're actually joining. You're joining the great meteor in the sky as it passes overhead. Was this a riddle you guys answered on the podcast and did you guys
Starting point is 00:34:36 get it correctly? I think it was episode one or two. Yeah, so one of our original episodes, we answered some very classic riddles. And I would say
Starting point is 00:34:44 that this is one of like, it's a type of riddle that is very classic. Got it. So it's like a lateral thinking problem. I guessed that they were already dead and were taxidermied in the cabin. And that was wrong. Which is real wrong. They were never real wrong. Yes.
Starting point is 00:34:56 It was wrong. Wait, you said there's no footprints? No. Because the guy who killed them. Was walking, carrying Jesus on his back the whole time. Set them all on fire. So, but it's,
Starting point is 00:35:09 that's just Prince General. It's like, because I'm thinking like, oh, that's when I was, Bigfoot. That's when I was carrying you. Yes. It was a monster.
Starting point is 00:35:16 No, it's not important that they're, yeah. It's just like, it's basically no entrance and no exits. Yeah. And it's not murder
Starting point is 00:35:23 and not suicide. Got it. It's not like a bear attack. And it's not murder and not suicide. Got it. It's not like a bear attack. So it's an accidental. If only, though. Most likely accidental. Yeah, okay. No, we can't send anyone to jail, so we can't say if it wasn't an accident, but most likely.
Starting point is 00:35:38 I'll also say they were probably all seated when they died. So it's got to be poison. No. No. It has to be poison. No. No. It has to be a really uncomfortable chair. That's not the
Starting point is 00:35:52 cause of death but probably yes. All seated all accidental. This is harder than advice because there's an actual right answer.
Starting point is 00:36:02 Right advice we're melting just phone it in. Yeah. Yeah. We should have done the podcast you're doing but you were already doing it. Most likely there's an actual right answer. Right, advice. We're melting. Just phone it in. Yeah. Yeah, we should have done the podcast you're doing, but you were already doing it. Most likely there's two bathrooms in the cabin, one in the front and one all the way in the back.
Starting point is 00:36:14 There's two what? Bathrooms in the cabin, usually, one all the way in the front and one in the back. And I'll also say you two, I think, just came from a similar cabin. Oh. I believe so. We did? I think so just came from a similar cabin. Oh. I believe so. We did?
Starting point is 00:36:25 I think so. What cabin were we in? Portland, Oregon. Oh, it was a goddamn plane. Yeah. Yes. Fuck you, motherfucker. The cabin of a plane.
Starting point is 00:36:39 That's the right response to a riddle. Fuck you. Fuck you, motherfucker is our tagline for our show. Okay, cool. Those were like such good clues that I almost can't give. No, I fully can't
Starting point is 00:36:50 give myself credit. You still want to say fuck you, though. Yeah, well, fuck you because you couldn't even get it with the clue. We did a live show last night where Adel
Starting point is 00:36:59 walked me to the answer to a riddle and he was like, good, you got it. And I'm like, I'm not a fucking child. I know I didn't get it. I'm an idiot. I don't think I got any
Starting point is 00:37:07 riddles right during our live show. It's so stressful to try to answer riddles in front of a couple hundred people. And then when you hear the answer, are you mad? You're like, that's not right. That's a word joke. No. We warn people to say, if you know it, get a smug look on your face and then keep it inside.
Starting point is 00:37:24 So people are usually pretty good at that. I think that's why people like listening to our shows because they get the answer before we do and then they just like it's like when you watch jeopardy and you're like easter island it's easter island and you keep repeating it to let everyone in the room know i know the answer how are they not getting it right you fools right and then how do you prevent and then somebody rings in and they're they're likeagascar, and it's right, and you're like, oh. Well, that's the nickname for Easter Island, right? All those heads, all those lemur heads. Easter Island, Madagascar.
Starting point is 00:37:53 For the live shows, what we do is at the beginning, Adel says that if you yell the answer, you have to pay one of my utility bills. You have to Venmo me for my gas bill or something like that. It's like $61. 38 cents. Exactly. And people pay it. Yeah, or something like that. It's like $61. 38 cents. Exactly. And people pay it. Yeah, people pay every time. Worth it.
Starting point is 00:38:10 Do you guys have a classic favorite riddle that you either figured out or you didn't figure out? Or, I don't know, one that stands out? I have a favorite. Do you have one? Please, go ahead. There's a dead body laying on the ground and a feather next to it. How did they die?
Starting point is 00:38:28 Airplane. It was an airplane. It was an airplane. It was ice. Isn't a lot of people are dead people? Yeah. It's honestly, yes. Lots of murder.
Starting point is 00:38:36 Which is weird because there's a lot of possibilities, but only one clever answer. What's the feather one? What's the answer? Yeah. Wow, you don't even want to fucking entertain for nine seconds.
Starting point is 00:38:47 I'll fucking try to figure it out. I'm the hero that got the chicken. I'm the hero that got the plane one. It's a, you got tickled to death. Yeah. Basically, yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:59 Tickled to death is basically the answer? Yeah, he was a circus performer swallowing a sword and he got tickled. Is that true? Yeah, that's the actual answer. Thatowing a sword and he got tickled. Is that true? Yeah, that's the actual answer. That's what happened. And I went, oh, riddles can be anything.
Starting point is 00:39:11 Oh, riddles can be terrible. They're not all snakes. Riddles, they're just like us. They can be assholes too. I remember a riddle from childhood, which is a man is lying dead in a room with 53 bicycles. What happened? Oh, the playing card one? It's playing cards.
Starting point is 00:39:26 Yeah, he was cheating at cards. That's one that I was like, that was like a playground, I feel like, riddle that people would tell. Are they usually just puns? Like, cabin meant airplane. Bicycles meant playing cards. You know the one where it's like, this guy lives on the 12th story of a penthouse or something, and when it's raining, he takes the elevator, And when it's raining, he takes the elevator. And when it's not, he takes the stairs.
Starting point is 00:39:49 It's because he uses his umbrella because he's short. Yes. To press the buttons. Oh. What word becomes shorter when you add two letters? Oh. Oh, short. Or hort or whatever.
Starting point is 00:40:02 Hort. Wait, what is a hort? Short and here's a who. The word short. Yeah. Yeah, short. Or hort, or whatever. Wait, what is a hort? Short and here's a who. We're short. Yeah, short. No, but hort was pretty good. Hort was close. Hort was close.
Starting point is 00:40:13 I get you to the one-yard line, and you punch it in, and I'm the asshole. I ran 98 yards to the two, but Jake's the goal line back that gets the points. Quarterback walked it in. You turn around to me, you're like, nice try, asshole. What was it? Watch this. Short. Because you had to, yeah,
Starting point is 00:40:36 no, he pretty much said that. Sweet. That is very fun, and it tickles a nice, or it scratches a nice itch. It's fun to get it right yeah like even my uh tickling thing remember the feather one that i nailed that you wanted the answer to you did think it was a joke what you were saying though i don't know where you got tickled with that yeah would you have given me credit for that on the podcast would you be like no that's not
Starting point is 00:41:00 even close we will he's actually a circus performer circus performer we'll take any win on the podcast and then on the podcast do you guys one of you knows the answer and the other two are guessing or they're classic ones that because in the first couple episodes they were quote unquote classic ones
Starting point is 00:41:14 but one of you still had to find them out and know the answer to it right I think at first we did we did one or two where nobody knew the answer so we got the questions then we'd look up the answer so all three of us were playing along. And then we found that it was
Starting point is 00:41:26 better to have someone leading breadcrumbs to the home. So now we have one of us each episode is Old Man Puzzles. That's good. We'll posit all the questions. That's very good. And how often do they end with, fuck you? Like, oh, fuck you.
Starting point is 00:41:40 80% of the time. We're either saying fuck you to the riddle, fuck you to each other, or fuck you to the person who submitted it. There's never like, that was a good riddle. I figured it out. Awesome job. Have you guys dipped into the car talk puzzlers? No. NPR, the car talk guys, it's all about cars except for they used to every once, or no, every show they would do like a riddle and then give the answer the next show.
Starting point is 00:42:09 Oh, that's great. Was it this type of riddle? It was similar. But sometimes it was like – I mean, sometimes it was a riddle and sometimes it was just like a straight up like really convoluted math problem. They would take submissions. Sounds like these dudes have been doing it way longer and they're eating their fucking lunch. Let's start talking about cars on Hey Riddle. Yeah, I guess so. In Boston accent.
Starting point is 00:42:31 There are, I mean, if you listen to something like Wait Wait Don't Tell Me or even play like Trivial Pursuit, to me, that's not really fun because either you know the answer or you don't. There's no sussing it out. But with riddles, you can use the room. As you hear other people's answers, you can start to
Starting point is 00:42:45 home in on it. Right. Even though you get the answer, it's still collaborative. Yeah, but trivia is no fun because it's like you can't... You'll never figure it out. If you don't know it... How would you define the difference between a riddle and just trivia? An interesting answer.
Starting point is 00:43:01 Just that. You either know it or you don't. There's no amount of time that will get you to... You can't figure out trivia. Yeah, exactly. Trivia is like, you never hear a riddle and you're like, oh, it's on the tip of my tongue. I know this. Sean Connery. I also think the interesting distinction
Starting point is 00:43:19 between our show and other shows that have riddles on it is our show really couldn't be less about the riddles. We do do riddles on the show, but we've had people be like, I listen to the show and all the riddles are bad and the people don't do very many of them. And it's like, that's the show.
Starting point is 00:43:34 Welcome to that show. So if you're looking for solid hour chunk of just brain teasers, that ain't us. We like to have fun with the riddles that we are doing. There should be like a Jeopardy, but for riddles
Starting point is 00:43:49 where they only get through like one question every half hour. So it's just three people thinking about stuff in front of like a buzzer. The host keeps going back to his lunch.
Starting point is 00:44:00 They're just in a rage at the end. You just get to see them tear apart the studio. It's like the Stanford prison experiment yeah it's just like alright Jeff
Starting point is 00:44:07 you're on the board with $18 and that's all the time we have fuck you cut the credits Jeopardy could save a lot of money doing that
Starting point is 00:44:15 a ton of money sweet well hey Riddle Riddle if you want some more riddles thank you guys for letting us play along let's try to answer another classic
Starting point is 00:44:23 if I were you question before we have to head out of here. Erin, do you have a fake guy's name for this man? John Patrick Cohen. God damn it.
Starting point is 00:44:34 That's your name. John Patrick Cohen. Yes. Hammer. Hammer. Hammer. Right. Hey dudes,
Starting point is 00:44:42 love the show. Wanted to say how inspiring it is to see Jake stay so humble after winning over 380 Golden Mics. That's awesome. Congratulations, by the way. 381 today. I don't know if you guys know this, but Jake gives the funniest podcaster of our podcast an award at the end of every episode called the Golden Mic. He's won every, correct me if I'm wrong, but he's won every single episode. I've not won every single episode. Except for one
Starting point is 00:45:05 Where I co-hosted with somebody else They got the golden mic Ben won the golden mic And then for the other 380 episodes Instead of me not receiving any award He's given out An award called the golden turdy
Starting point is 00:45:19 It's not golden The turdy award It's not golden The turdy award for shitty podcasting And I've won that every single time. Oh, congratulations. Yeah. I mean, that's an unprecedented run.
Starting point is 00:45:28 Yeah. Have you given it out for this episode? I won the golden mic. There's no turdy yet. Oh, I can still win. So we're all... You've already won. You've got your name on the whiteboard.
Starting point is 00:45:39 We're all competing for last place at this point. Very nice. We're all competing to not get the turdy. Sure, sure. Got it. I'll step it up. But you've already won the golden mic. I think I won the golden mic just for solving the riddle.
Starting point is 00:45:50 The cabin one? Yeah. I fucking nailed that. I barely got a hint. I barely got a hint. He said you guys were both on this type of cabin earlier this weekend. I assume he flew. Did you fly?
Starting point is 00:46:01 Yeah, that's correct. Totally. Totally. He walked me to the edge, but I jumped. That takes courage. I was he flew. Did you fly? Yeah, that's correct. Totally. Totally. He walked me to the edge, but I jumped. That takes courage. I was brave enough. That's what I consider edging is to watch the wave. Riddle edging.
Starting point is 00:46:14 Press a piss on me. That's really funny. That's almost Golden Mike worthy if I hadn't already won it for the whole time. Well, you've given out multiple Golden Mikes before. It'd almost be nice for you to give a few out to our guests. Can I get a Golden Michael? Yeah, I'll give you a Golden Michael.
Starting point is 00:46:26 Now there's a second Golden Mike called the Golden Michael. It's a golden copy of Travolta's Michael. Is that the one where he learns Portuguese in 15 minutes?
Starting point is 00:46:36 No, that's Phenomenon. All right, anyway. You're turning into Turdy Turdy. That would be what your TED Talks No quicker way to get there
Starting point is 00:46:44 than to talk about phenomenon. My TED Talk is going to be about phenomenon. Versus Michael. Phenomenon. So this is this guy's problem. My girlfriend of nine months wants me to shit in front of her. I have a huge problem with this, as I still have never even farted around her,
Starting point is 00:47:02 and don't plan on it anytime soon. Take her to the soon. When she uses the bathroom, she will leave the door wide open so she can continue to talk to me. When I use the bathroom, I lock the door and leave the sink running so she can't hear my poops plop into the toilet. She thinks that farting and shitting with the door open are a sign of trust and commitment. I think it's actually very strange and pretty gross. Am I overreacting? Or should I just man up and leave a snail trail on the bedroom floor for her as a sign of my love?
Starting point is 00:47:32 Namaste. Love, John Patrick Cohen. I don't think he knows what a snail trail is. It's more than a snail. You definitely don't have to over-deliver on this. She's already asking for a lot. To give her more is too much. These are the two extremes of bathroom use.
Starting point is 00:47:50 It's the shitting with the door open so you can talk, and then there's the door locked plus sink running. Where do you guys land on that spectrum? Yeah, I was going to gauge the room, because I feel like I'm a door-locked person, but I'm a no-need-to-leave-the-sink running. I've been married almost a year, and I still shut the door and leave the sink running. I've been married almost a year and I still shut the
Starting point is 00:48:06 door and run the sink. Lock it? I mean, she's not going to walk in. That's where the lock is a little extreme. I guess that's where the trust comes. Well, you run the sink. I run the sink. I think there's something nice to keeping the... The thing is, I've had girlfriends where we
Starting point is 00:48:22 shit. We've had a lot of girlfriends where we shit in front of each other. And I think it sort of like ruins the romance a little bit. Okay. It takes away the mystique. I like that there's this layer. What if she just thinks
Starting point is 00:48:36 you're diarrhea-ing in there? It's like you go in there and she just hears a faucet running water. She's like, whoa, Jake. Another nine minute long diarrhea sesh. All right. Nice. Erin, where, Jake, another nine minute long diarrhea sesh. Nice.
Starting point is 00:48:47 Erin, where do you land on the specch? I'll pee in front of anyone at any time. Oh, that's true. I could pee in front of all of you guys right now.
Starting point is 00:48:54 Because it already sounds like a sink run. Yeah. Erin, you peed on Splash Mountain Saturday. I don't need everyone to know that.
Starting point is 00:49:02 Yeah, it's fine. No, just everyone on our podcast and their podcast. And the listeners. I got so surprised that I got so wet on Splash Mountain that I peed. I got scared and was like, uh, and then released my pee too. You were scared of how wet you were.
Starting point is 00:49:15 Yeah. Like a cat. I thought it would be this much water. And then fully released my pee too, so I was covered in my own pee and then also Splash Mountain water, which is probably also pee. Yeah. That's where Splash Mountain gets its water.
Starting point is 00:49:30 It was a dry run up until 1990. Were you wearing a bathing suit? Oh, I was just in regular clothes. Cool. All right. No further questions. But on the duty spectrum, you lock in, you run in the sink,
Starting point is 00:49:40 you leave it open? My boyfriend is very open. He just farts constantly in front of me and doesn't care, but I don't know. I i think don't do it i think especially don't like push someone's boundaries on what they feel comfortable yeah that's the bigger question like that her being a little bit more aggressive like you have to do this either be apathetic or don't care you like i don't know right this at this point he's not the one being weird like shit in front of me aaron did you say either be apathetic or don't care?
Starting point is 00:50:07 Those are the same thing. What word becomes apathetic when you add a letter to it? I think you just don't push anyone's boundary on that at all. Yeah. Don't force someone into yours. But it's interesting when you have somebody on like two completely polar ends of this poop spectrum. But he does point like, it doesn't sound like
Starting point is 00:50:27 he cares that she does it. Like she shits in front of him. And he's like, it's not like he's saying, hey, how do I get my girlfriend to close the door when she shits? He's just saying, I don't want to do the same thing.
Starting point is 00:50:38 Yeah. So do you tell your lady friend, you know what? I don't feel comfortable or like, you know what? Let's take a baby step. I won't lock the door. How about that? No, I say you're either not comfortable
Starting point is 00:50:47 or you take it to the other bookend where it's like you eat like 10 pieces of Nashville hot chicken and just like be like, is this what you wanted? And then like... Shit's so bad that she never wants to. It's not like immersion therapy. It's either I don't want to go in the pool or I'm in the
Starting point is 00:51:03 Marianas Trench. Kill the shit Yeah exactly When it comes to poop Don't try to change someone's mind Yeah People have stuff from their whole lives And that's your tattoo right?
Starting point is 00:51:13 Yeah It's on my face That's my face tattoo Yeah I just don't think You should change someone's mind If they don't like farts Then they don't like farts Yeah you fart in front of your boy?
Starting point is 00:51:25 No Oh only by accident I recently I farted so loud think you should change someone's mind. If they don't like farts, then they don't like farts. Yeah, you fart in front of your boy? No. Oh, only by accident. I recently I farted so loud that I woke both of us up. Whoa. And you guys weren't even sleeping. It was that loud. It made you fall asleep and wake up. Yeah, they became born-again Christians. And also, they were sleeping at their separate places. We joined a cult.
Starting point is 00:51:42 When you're looking at the moon and I'm looking at that same moon and I fart, you wake up. Dubs flying out of a tree. When you're looking at the moon and I'm looking at that same moon and I fart, you wake up. Dubs flying out of a tree. Farting, I think, is like intimacy. Yeah, you're so open to farting, but you'll run the sink when you poop. I find that a little hip poop critical of you, actually.
Starting point is 00:51:58 He did it! That's gotta be Golden Mike worth getting a no. I'm getting a no. I mean, you really are the doctor. Poop pun is a turdy. Yeah, that's a motto turdy. What? You stepped in there.
Starting point is 00:52:09 No wonder I've won every single episode. But yeah, it's the same noise. The farting noise and the shifting noise is the same. One you'll do openly in front of her.
Starting point is 00:52:19 Yeah. And one you'll mask. It's hip poop critical. Nice. I agree. Can I say it? That's just what I do. It's usually not the same
Starting point is 00:52:25 noise. It's the same. If it's the same noise, you need to shit when you're farting, my man. Don't shit where you poop. Don't queef where you fart. Definitely. Definitely don't fart where you poop. I think my biggest issue with this is her argument, which is that pooping with the door open is
Starting point is 00:52:41 a sign of trust and commitment, where I would argue trust and commitment is... Trust that i'm shitting you maybe have deeper you maybe have deeper issues if it's like are you shitting in there i want to see you shit it's like once i had a guy who said he was shitting he was fucking his ass yeah like are you shitting are you texting veronica like i think that there needs to be like a different conversation that happens at some stage here yeah the trust issue when we out, it's an even bigger thing, which is like, what is trust in this relationship? Is it just keeping the
Starting point is 00:53:10 door unlocked while you're shitting? I almost feel like she means to say intimacy. Yeah. Because it's such a private thing. She's like, let me in on all of your privacy. But I think privacy is a good thing. Yeah. Privacy is nice. You guys hold in in farts? No. I will say that I've held in farts in relationships before, and I think the relationships where I don guys holding in farts? No. I will say that I've held in farts in relationships before,
Starting point is 00:53:27 and I think the relationships where I don't hold in farts are better relationships. Because you're not suffering from stomach issues. Yeah. Gas floating. Holding in farts is a lie. Can I make a bit of a lateral move?
Starting point is 00:53:38 Wait, that's a great tattoo. I'll put it on my face. Holding in farts is a lie. 9-11 was an inside fart. Ted Kennedy killed those farts. I want to make on my face. Holding in parts is a lie. 9-11 was an inside part. Ted Kennedy killed those farts. I want to make a lateral move. In a public restroom, if there's like multiple stalls, so in an airport or something, do you, if you poop, do you flush the toilet and then poop so that it masks it? Do you cough?
Starting point is 00:54:00 Do you do any of that? No, I'm free for all. This is a bathroom. I'm in a public bathroom. If there's people in the stalls next to you, because I hear all, it's a cacophony of, it's like pet sounds in there. Like some people cough while they poop, so they think you can't hear it. Some people flush, go in immediately flush while they poop, so that you just hear flushing
Starting point is 00:54:17 instead of the pooping. No, I'm not, I don't care what strangers hear. I flush while I poop in a public bathroom, but it's a courtesy flush. Okay. Yeah. That's more about the- Yeah, the smell. public bathroom but it's a courtesy flush. Okay. Yeah. That's more about the smell. Yeah, the smell.
Starting point is 00:54:28 But I'm not trying to mask anything. Okay. When you say pet sounds did you mean actual animal noises or the Beach Boys? The Beach Boys.
Starting point is 00:54:33 Got it. I will say that if I'm in a public restroom and I have to shit I will get self-conscious about like the sound that that's going to make so I will put in headphones
Starting point is 00:54:43 and if I put in headphones and I'm listening to I can't hear it I don't give a shit what's happening. I, so I will put in headphones. And if I put in headphones and I'm listening to, I can't hear it, I don't give a shit what's happening. I'll go fucking hog wild in there. I can't relate to this. We don't do that in women's restrooms. We just listen to Celine Dion
Starting point is 00:54:53 and braid each other's hair. There's always a couch in there. If you're sitting in a public restroom, you should fake a really important phone call. She's like, no, I don't care. No, you just do what you have to do. Buy, sell, Buy, sell! So much business.
Starting point is 00:55:09 Who's that guy insider trading? So there's no, in a women's restroom, public restroom, there's no sound? Shitiquette? There's no shitiquette? They're all silencers. Great shit pun, but that's a turdy. I'll be with friends in hell.
Starting point is 00:55:26 I'm sure it's the exact same. Yeah, there's got to. I mean, girls poop too, which is another t-shirt. For now. Okay. But we should invest some money in that. Let me ask another kind of lateral question on this, though. If you're in a situation where someone like your significant other is taking a shower,
Starting point is 00:55:42 and it's one bathroom, like maybe it's a hotel. They're taking a shower, and you really bathroom, like maybe it's a hotel, they're taking a shower and you really have to shit, like it's an emergency. Are you holding it or are you going in while they're in the shower and shitting? Ooh, if it's a hotel,
Starting point is 00:55:54 I might go to the lobby because there's a readily available bathroom. Fuck, I forgot about that. If it's at your house or a cabin, then I'll do it. I'll have to do it. You got to do it. You got to do it, yeah. What am it You gotta do it You have to do it
Starting point is 00:56:05 Yeah What am I gonna do Take a shit And a Ziploc And freeze it So that she doesn't find out And then she'll find it Like three weeks later
Starting point is 00:56:12 What is that Oh I was gonna surprise you I love instead of hiding it You put it in the freezer Yeah It's like why is there Shit in the No yeah
Starting point is 00:56:19 I like your idea She won't smell it In the freezer And then she's like What is this It's like oh it's brownie batter. I was going to surprise you for your birthday. She's like, oh, can I have a little nibble?
Starting point is 00:56:28 I really want to taste it. Like, no, no, no, wait, it's a surprise. What happens next? She throws it away and nothing happens. A friend of mine was talking about, like, we were talking about growing up, you know, in the Midwest, I guess. And somebody was like, you know when you take your shit stick and you break up a big poop to make sure it flushes? And everyone in the room was like, what? You know every family has a shit stick?
Starting point is 00:56:50 A stick you keep in the bathroom closet to break up big poop so they flush? And we're like, no. A shit stick? And this kid, he grew up with a shit stick? Yeah, and he thought it was a Midwest thing. So he's very confidently in the room being like, we've all been there.
Starting point is 00:57:06 And everyone's like, no, you're disgusting. Yeah. Horrifying. That's a fun insult for someone calling them a shit stick. Shit stick. That's good. I wouldn't even break up my stick, my shit with you, you shit stick. All right.
Starting point is 00:57:20 Do we answer this question at all? Am I overreacting or should I just man up and leave a snail trail? So is he overreacting or should he man up? He's not overreacting. She should respect his boundaries. It's not about trust. It's about wanting some privacy. That's beautiful.
Starting point is 00:57:32 This needs to be part of a larger conversation. That we should have. That we should all have. She should trust that he wants his privacy. There's a reason he wants to keep that behind closed doors. Yeah. So take that, John Patrick Cohen's girlfriend. All right, sweet.
Starting point is 00:57:48 We are out of time. Thank you guys so much for flying to LA just to do this show. I guess you got a Disneyland trip out of it, so that's not a complete waste of time. Can we get our parking validated? We will talk offline with regards to that. One last time, it's HeyRiddleRiddle, name of your podcast.
Starting point is 00:58:02 Anything else you guys want to promote while you're here? Yeah, I didn't say a fake name, but I was going to say Mackenzie Palenta. That's HeyRiddleRiddle. Name of your podcast. Anything else you guys want to promote while you're here? Yeah, I didn't say a fake name, but I was going to say Mackenzie Palenta. That's pretty good. Mackenzie Palenta. We'll use it next episode. You can also check out, I do another podcast called Hello from the Magic Tavern, so check that out. Oh, yeah. And if you're ever in Chicago,
Starting point is 00:58:17 you can see the three of us play at IO Chicago in World News Tonight. Hell, yeah. And you guys are part of HeadGum Live as well. Oh, yeah. we'll be at Talia Hall. That's Father's Day, I believe. Sunday Father's Day. Sunday Bloody Father's Day. Are you just reading my tank top?
Starting point is 00:58:33 You gonna bring your daddies? No, I don't talk to my dad. Well, what a great way to end. He's a great guy. We just haven't caught up. That reminds me. I'll call him now and if you two are now addicted to riddles
Starting point is 00:58:47 which I assume you are please feel free to come on our show anytime I would love to come on we would be maybe when we're in Chicago yeah that would be amazing
Starting point is 00:58:54 oh please that's a verbal contract alright and can we do one quick thing I'm handing each of you Jake and Amir a card one of you is a doctor and one of you is a mafioso
Starting point is 00:59:02 okay and you just have to discern who is... I'm the fucking doctor. You're ruining the game. You're not a doctor because I am. I earned it by getting the card.
Starting point is 00:59:15 How can you take that away from me? It would be great if they took that card and framed it and put it above their desk. I'm a doctor. I never lie. Even during this game called Lying to Each Other, I would never lie about'm a doctor. I never lie. Even during this game called Lying to Each Other, I would never lie about being a doctor. I got an honorary doctor at Danny DeVito's house. There's
Starting point is 00:59:31 lying and then there's games. Alright, thanks so much for listening everybody. If you have your own questions or theme songs submissions, send them all down to ifireashow at gmail.com. The opening one was written by Zach. This closing one is written by Samuel. Thanks to Adal. Adal.
Starting point is 00:59:46 Adal. Adal. Adal. If you're saying that I've been real sweet, you can call me Adal. Okay. Thanks to you guys
Starting point is 00:59:52 for coming on the show. See you back next week. It's time to talk about our third roommate. She's like, wait, what? He's like, I live with someone
Starting point is 00:59:59 named General Clugliness. I don't know what to do. I need some help from two Jews. They'll help you with your life. But no chutzpah or pride.
Starting point is 01:00:19 I'm looking to see some cheese. But these girls keep ghosting me She's stealing all my thumbs Should I tell about the broken condom? I don't know what to do I need some help from 2Choose
Starting point is 01:00:44 They'll help you with your life. With no chutzpah or pride. You did a really good job. I don't know why you're upset.

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