Segments - 39: Would You Do That?

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

In this episode we discuss hypothetical politicians, questions, and try to figure out whether or not Jake would do that.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number.

So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it. 0-9-1-3-6-6-2. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Won't last its effort to try and stop their career from going to shit.

Second. Another podcast. Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army Nightclub Show. Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts. Second. It actually does hit different to raise our hands to the insulting version.

Yeah, I like that. It's like a kid who's not happy but still has to smile. Yeah, because it's his birthday. I'm mad. Yeah, you got me kick. It's not the one I wanted but I'll smile I don't even want to smile I'll just say cheese cheese oh yeah that's how cheese really works cheese oh damn it you got me I can't say cheese

without smiling that's how much I like it. I wonder if there's a foreign language equivalent to saying cheese in every language. Hmm. That's actually a really good question. It's a really interesting thought. That's a good shower thought, Reddit style. Like in France, you wouldn't say, say fromage, which is cheese, but doesn't require you to smile while you say it right exactly exactly um yeah you should you should r slash shower thought that i should write a book of philosophy that you should actually i should actually be a theologist.

I should add to Reddit like a little fucking troll. I should publish my musings because they are amusing. By the way, the answer is probably just no, right? I think it's just no. Yeah. For that one. But I'm filled with life's little sort of idiosyncratic mysteries. Okay, give me another one. Yeah, like what?

Your first one was, is there an equivalent of, say, cheese in another language, which is interesting but kind of trite. Go on. What's the second one? Because you said you had a lot. Like, why do they call it Long Island? It's not long and it's not an island or something like that. Right.

Well, that's kind of a bad stand-up joke. I think it is actually a long – it's an long and it's not an island or something like that right well that's kind of a bad stand-up joke i think it is actually a law it's an island and it is that one is but i'm saying like rhode island then yeah there's probably a reason yeah but it's not an island yeah all i'm trying to say yeah i wouldn't necessarily publish a this you're you're thinking you should like publish a book of like things that you should maybe google yeah not really amusing tales from a boring internet searches yeah like sort of philosophical wonderings and thunderings about uh this that and not necessarily even the other right i The book jacket writes itself. I feel like I'm worried about everything between the two covers.

And you would write the foreword. I would have to write the foreword. It would be a forewarning. Yeah, it would be a foreword that would sort of let people know what they're in for, but potentially give the reader a chance to leave. A foreword that was untoward, actually. Yes, a backward forward so yeah forward i would put it because this whole book is ass backwards yes i'll save it for the

forward that's really good actually speaking of my um potential musings and my amusing thoughts our first segment we should say this is the segments podcast. Our first segment is something we've done before. It's not quite a would you rather, but rather it's a would you do that? Would you do that? Yes. I came up with a bunch of sort of Faustian bargains to give you. Oh, that's right. And I muse whether or not you would do that.

And you tell me whether you would do that. Okay. All right. All right, let's hear it. Okay. Give me that first Faustian bargain. Here's a fun political one. Great.

$400,000 to vote for Trump, but you have to post a picture of it on main you can after four days say that you were paid that much to do it and even donate that money to charity but for four days people just assume you're like uh you were a closeted maga and now you're like finally feeling emboldened to fucking stand up and like tell the world. Am I allowed to lie? Like if I'm allowed to say that I like got the money, can I just be like, oh yeah, I voted for him.

But as a joke, uh, no, you have to just basically post it and like, uh, either without a caption or a caption. It'll be a real vote. But could I just be like,

yeah, in four days when the statute is up, can I post it right away? But you can yeah, in four days when the statute is up, can I post it right away? You can only clarify in four days. Okay. But I think I wouldn't want anyone to know that I did it for money because then I would be I'd get that pressure to donate it. And that's not why I did it. I didn't do it to donate money.

So you would do it to pocket the cash. And then how would you justify it in four days? I mean, 400K, that's a lot of cheddar right there. And you can do a lot of good with that. I mentioned that I wouldn't. No, you would just sort of very liberal, all the way down the ticket, you know, voting for AOC or Schumer or whoever is on mine in Brooklyn, you know. And then at the end of the day, Trump isn't really going to win anything in New York. It's more of a, it's a, I can't imagine. It's a, what's it called? A protest vote against like how Kamala was selected or something like that.

Oh, that's yeah. Right. So maybe I would, I would just join with the ultra liberal liberals who, who hate Joe and Kamala. Right. So I would just be like, I actually,

this isn't a vote for Trump. It's a vote against the status quo. Yeah. Something that's sort of dumb, but ultimately not like evil. Actually, this isn't a vote for Trump. It's a vote against the status quo. Something that's sort of dumb, but ultimately not evil. And you get to plot with the cash. So people don't hate you. I do think I do. Yeah. They just think you're kind of stupid.

Yeah. It's definitely a tough one because it's not like quit forever money. It's not fuck off money. Thank you. It is a tough one and does the tax man cometh does the tax man cometh totally up to you i'm giving you 400k you can declare you cannot whatever you want to do it well i mean if you're just giving it if you're not gonna if you're the issue isn't whether or not i declare it's the issue the issue is whether or not you

give me a 1099 or if you it's not not my money. Are you going to serve me? A briefcase filled with $400,000 arrives on your doorstep the day after you post it. Then I'm not, yeah. Right. Well, I clearly don't care about the federal government because I'm voting for Trump. Then I'm also just not going to declare the cash. I am going to take it. And actually, I might run. I actually might take the money and run.

400K goes a long way and a lot of other places in the world. So I might just ghost. Are you saying in four days, would you justify it with that weird protest vote? Or you would say it on the day and just never have to clarify that it was a bet or a joke? I guess I would not have an issue in four days just telling my excuse, whatever it is. Maybe I would say that um i was paid to do it and i'm gonna and i would be like people would probably be mad about that too i'll donate some of the money well i'm gonna donate some of the money how much and then

i would donate that's none of your business this is my money this is my decision this is my vote i i donated 25 to stop the Steal Part 2. It's actually really offensive. To J.D. Vance's re-election campaign. To a hillbilly elegy Amazon rental. Yeah. Okay. So that was a solid one to get us started.

I like when you have to think about it. Yeah. And would you do it? Yeah, probably. Okay, ready? Mm-hmm. I'll buy you any house you want to think about it yeah well and would you do it uh yeah probably okay ready i'll buy you any house you want to an extent 10 million or under okay but you can't get into a car until your 42nd birthday but i'll buy you any car you want on your 42nd birthday, to an extent, 100K or lower. Okay.

That's, I mean, yeah. How old are you now? I'm about to turn 39. So it's three years of no car, but sick house. Yeah. I mean, yeah. If you buy me, is it 10 million or under yeah i think i could find a house and are we talking like closing costs can it go like can i get one at 995 because obviously

that's gonna i'm giving you 10 to buy you're giving me 10 mil you have to cover the overages in fact i'm moving it down to nine because you're already starting to look a gift horse. I don't do it for nine. Really? So I did set a perfect line. Ten really moves the needle for me. Ten is interesting, but I am going to need you to cover the closing costs. I'm not covering. At nine, I'll cover the costs.

At ten, you have to pay for the overages. But I really can't find you in a cab. I will pay for the fine. Okay. All right. Let's lock that in. You have to pay for the overages, but I really can't find you in a cab. I will pay for the fine. Okay. All right. Let's lock that in. You have a deal. Three years.

Because at a house, even at $9.95, even at $9.75, I don't know if I would go close to a 10 mil. Because then the closing costs really start to add up at a price like that. Though we're not going to finance it. It's price like that though we're not we're we're not gonna finance it it's gonna be all cash are you worried about the car part maybe it is i'm no i'm frankly not thinking about the car part at all yeah like how do you get to the house a 10 a 10 million dollar house i will probably be happy living there for three years without even leaving once. But if I have to, I have bought that house all in cash. I'll take out a loan up to the value and actually growing in value, I can leverage that house, my ownership of that house, my nut. I'm living at the house, but I still have the cash on hand i don't know exactly where

the house is going to be i maybe maybe nantucket maybe upstate new york um so if it's just a romantic place for me that how are you getting there without a car i would fly there i would absolutely fly there and then i would take a bus can i not take a bus you cannot get into any vehicle bus no you didn't say any vehicle. You said car. You said car. A bus is not a car. Then you're going to start going around.

Limo is technically not a car. Well, an SUV is a car. Can I take a train? You can take a train. I can take a train. You can take a train. Okay. Then there you go.

That's all I need. Maybe I would do it. I would have you buy me a $10 million flat in London because then I could take the tube anywhere the tube anywhere i need to go yes exactly and you can go with your daughter to the school on the tube you don't have to ever get into a car with her yeah i guess you yeah i could also you could get me a 10 million dollar place in tribeca that'd be pretty pretty sick because i could take the subway anytime i needed to leave the city yeah um yeah i would do that only three years would you cars would you able to visit like family or do they live too remote you'd have to like would you be able to go to like

your parents house without a car yeah yeah wouldn't be an issue because i take the subway or or walk or city bike to grand central metro north to new haven um my parents live a 10 and 15 minute car ride from the train station i'm sure i could get in a car for a little bit right you could do it for 10 minutes a day yes but you have to promise not to tell me about it no i think and then yeah i would i would honestly i would probably just like what about a motorcycle no no little automobiles yes okay train bike is fine bike i'll allow city bike e-bike uh not an e-bike because that's electric not an e-assist what about an e-assist so it's not fully e i'm not i'm not like i am now rescinding the offer the offer is off the table

you will not be getting the house You will not be getting the house. You will not be getting the truck vote. That's 10,000,400. That's 10,400. Gone. Just because I didn't- Now the fucking tube. I didn't want to bet.

I didn't want to vote for fucking Donald in a car. You're really going to fucking punish me for that? I think what we're learning is that I would do anything for cash. Okay. I love money. So far. So far. Although last time I said for a hundred grand, would you find out your parents or your aunt

and uncle? You said no. So there is a line there. Yeah. Definitely. Okay. Here's one that's not money related. And I keep forgetting to ask, would you do that?

So you got to piss sitting down for the rest of your life, but you'll never get a cold again. You can still get the flu. Would you do that? Getting a cold is probably up there with my least favorite thing in the world. I absolutely hate getting sick. I would do this in a heartbeat. Okay. I piss sitting down this in a heartbeat. Okay. I piss sitting down half the time anyway.

Right. But you couldn't like piss on the side of the road. You'd have to sit down on the side of the road and piss like onto your feet or something. Yeah. Yeah. That would be, I mean, that would be tough, but I think the trade-off of just never worrying about getting a cold. You would still get sick.

You could still get COVID. Yeah. The flu. The flu. Yeah. That's fine. Yeah. Just getting a cold. You would still get sick. You could still get COVID, the flu. The flu. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, just not a cold. Yeah, no colds, game over. Especially as my daughter gets older,

I feel like I'm gonna be getting colder. You know, they're bringing a lot of germs into the house. Yeah, no, I would happily piss sitting down. That's fine by me. Yeah, that's pretty good. I think I would take that too. Again, I'm probably an 80-20 sitter to stander. At home, I only sit because I don't want to like deal with the splashback repercussions.

Easier to clean, easier to sit. Yeah. It's the public restrooms. I can never use a urinal again. And then it's like, how often do you get a cold? Like a year can go by, you don't get a cold anyway. So you're not really sacrificing that much. Right.

It's tough. It's tough, but I think I would do it. I hate being sick. Okay. You have an Android phone for the rest of your life. No, no. Wow. You're already out.

I haven't even told you. It's no sickness for your daughter ever. But all right, let's move on to the next one. Jesus. She's pretty healthy. She'll be fine. She'll be fine. All right.

You have an Android phone going forward. And the trade-off is that you and your family, anybody with a last name Hurwitz, gets free coffee anywhere they go forever. So they go into a coffee shop. Give me a coffee. Yeah, it's on the house. They go to a restaurant. Free coffee. They go to a grocery store, give me a coffee, that's on the house. They go to a restaurant, free coffee. They go to a grocery store, you can buy coffee for free.

It's basically you're providing caffeine to your family in perpetuity. The sacrifice you're making is you have an Android instead of an iPhone. Would you do that? Yeah. Oh, wow. That's really hard. And it would be hard every time the new iPhone came out. I think I would have to do it because I spend a lot of money on coffee, just even personally. I'm buying a whole brew every day.

So I think it would be a little too financially irresponsible to not. And you could probably get into the Android. We sort of poo-poo the idea, maybe they are like as good as iphones if you just started from the scratch i'm sure they are i would be the guy talking about how good the camera is yeah i wonder if i would be i there's because there's two types of people it's it's either i have an android because it's better because look at this look at this camera look at these features yeah or they're like i have an android, because I don't really care about technology. I don't care about the phone. Or they're anti-Apple.

Like Apple is so fucking fucked up. They make you get this. They make you get the storage. Like I'm out of that system. I'm more of a Google guy or Samsung. Right. Yeah. Google's the good guy.

Do no evil, they say. So I'm sure they're fine. Yeah. I think I would do it. My take would be that I don't care about technology. That's cool. Yeah. I mean, it's not life-changing money because it's like a couple hundred bucks a month. And it is a life-changing thing about your – like you use your iPhone so much more than you drink coffee.

But it doesn't ruin your phone it just changes it which would probably make it worse originally i also like i think about like the way i use my phone now and it's like i i don't use it to the extent that i did like 10 years ago where i liked having apps and whatever like i literally i use text message phone email like i don't even use instagram on my phone so it's it would be fine and well the text messages is one of the worst features like you have to it would come in weird you'd be the green guy the green bubble yeah i would make all the group chats green yeah and that would be embarrassing yeah but the interesting thing is people would just i would annoy people but none of that would annoy me because i don't see that everybody is green on the group thread yeah exactly so it's both selfless and selfish yeah which is why it's a perfect would you do that would you do that would you do this

jake let me ask you this okay i got a few more maybe we could save some for the end yeah oh you're six foot nine you can dunk throw a ball throw a baseball 80 miles per hour and play tennis really well for the next 20 years but you're six foot nine so until i'm 59 i'm like a very athletic six foot nine guy yeah but you're also six nine for the rest of your life you're just a six foot yeah six foot nine is it's that's an inconvenient that's why i chose it it was gonna be like six six and like that's great that's fine i'm awesome still yeah six nine it's like oh shit i have to get special stuff yeah and yeah i don't think that's good on your joints as you get older i don't i don't think i'm interested in that at all.

I don't know if you chose the best sports to lure me. Yeah. Well, you'd be able to dunk, which is cool. That's nothing. I don't care. Yeah. Throwing a baseball really fast. Baseball, that's not that fast.

80 miles per hour. That's really fast. Yeah. I don't know if any 50-year-olds could throw at 80. You'd be the star of the league if you wanted to do that and play tennis really well you'd be awesome at tennis playing tennis really well is that's that's pretty compelling i love tennis but i think being six foot nine is a little too that's really inconvenient yeah that's nine inches taller than i am now it's almost cool and then it becomes kind of annoying.

Like 6'6 is pretty cool. And you can surf well. Yeah. 6'6 sounds awesome. I would take that. You know, I started seeing, you know when I hurt my back? Yeah. I started seeing like, I don't even know, this lady that does like body work that's all about like strengthening your pelvic floor and like posture and breath work.

Oh, like a witch doctor or like a phrenologist or sort of like a witch doctor. She sells cell phone cases, I saw. She does that and then she also does breath work. Yeah. And then she does like the little massage with the chopping on my back. Yeah. No, but she told me that with like my posture, like if I can go back to having good posture, which I never really had. Yeah.

She's like, you could be six foot two. You're six foot two. But the way I hold myself makes me six feet. Wow. And then did she prove that by having you stand in a specific way and then measure you? Yeah, she had me go, she's like, put your back against the wall. And then she's like, try to get as many points to like touch the wall. So it's like the back of my knees are touching, my low back is touching. Try to get your ribcage and your upper back to touch,

your shoulders to touch. And then like, oh, to touch yeah your shoulders to touch and then like oh unhunt your shoulders lengthen your neck get the top of your head to touch the wall yeah and you when you're fully against a wall you're trying to stretch it straight yeah you realize how how like weird you stand but it's not like stand exactly yeah that straight but doesn't it hurt i think that straight it's almost like an exercise it's not like stand exactly yeah that's straight but doesn't it hurt to stand that straight it's almost like an exercise it's like you're flexing everything but at rest no i mean it feels amazing when you when i like leave the wall after she's manipulated my body into all of the correct positions i feel incredible it feels like that's what my body is supposed to feel like yeah and then you kind of go back into the old habits and the way your body learns to hold itself.

Now let me sit over this computer like Mr. Burns. I'm a human question mark again. And I'm four foot two. And that's kind of, I don't know if that's comfortable, but it puts you in more of a rigid position. So there's got to be, maybe I'm not six foot two, but I think I could be six foot one yeah i mean i wish i had better anyway i'm not taking the deal oh you're not doing a six nine one no okay because i'm six foot two yeah and i have perfect posture it's even hard to like sit with perfect posture like it just like you're engaging your back in a way that kind of hurts well you have to see you have to see my

specialist she'll teach you how to breathe yeah she'll teach you how to hold yourself did you tell her about my balloon sinoplasty that allows me to breathe through my nose a little bit better i did not mention that to her she doesn't even know who you are so you're not actually seeing someone that's effective because i think a lot of your issues stem from me. That makes sense, actually. And all these Faustian bargains that I've taken. I'm deep in your pocket, living in a $10 million house. And I'm living rent-free in your head and you're living rent-free in your home because of me.

Exactly. All right. This has gone on for too long. Let's go to the next segment. And if we have time at the end, I can give you some last ones, quick hits. Love it. Love it.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

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Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name

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New segment. Something a little different. Yeah, this one's pretty topical. I don't know if you guys heard. Joe Biden dropped out. Kamala Harris is taking up the helm what and wait i didn't i'm actually pretty behind i have really yeah i have i'm still reading about the assassination attempt there was a what i have that dvr and i haven't seen the rally yet

i'm trying to i'm trying to get caught up on the news so yeah this actually might be irrelevant by monday i don't know how fast uh she's going to choose a running mate but i thought it would be apropos to write jake and amir uh vp pick scroll okay so this is a scroll as us but suggesting vice presidential candidates for Kamala Harris to pick. Yeah, exactly. Okay. So you come in, you unfurl the scroll, and you say, top 10 vice presidential choices for Ms. President Harris, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah.

By Amir Joseph Robinette Biden Blumenthal. Senator Blumenthal. Did you know that Joe Biden's middle name is Robinette? I did. I mean, I wouldn't have remembered, but when you said that, that reminded me. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So by Amir Joseph Robinette Biden Blumenthal. Yeah.

Yeah, I think it'd be funny. So in this world, it'd also be funny if she already picked yeah like um yeah uh no she already she chose uh senator kelly so it's too late number 10 pick him again would you get mark kelly on your ticket twice Now that sounds pretty nice. Harris, Kelly, Kelly. Yeah, she picked him. Not because you said it. Definitely not because you said it twice. Number nine. Mike Pence is fine.

He did a decent job in 2009. I didn't notice any issues. He wasn't the VP in 2009. Also, he was universally hated by the end of trump's term his own supporters tried to hang him in a violent coup i would say the best thing about him was the fly that landed on his head yeah that's such old news there's been an assassination attempt since then. So really? On the fly? That's the one thing that deserved to be swatted. Number eight.

Tim Kaine was great. Why are we trying to reinvent the wheel? These guys all aged like fine veal. Choose a dude that was there before. Otherwise, you're picking your fucking litter off the floor. So you want Kamala to pick the VP candidate who lost the debate and the election in the 2016 presidential election? Yeah, I mean, we all deserve a second chance. Which is why I chose.

I chose. Good look at J.D. Vance. Imagine a VP candidate for both presidential selections. Now that's a win-win. Number seven, how about a reverend? Senator Warnock? Now he's a lock. He's a warlock. He's not. He's a reverend reverend but as you mentioned you wanted a reverend i wanted irreverence let's get a sorcerer

imagine a magic vp who can wave his little wand and overturn every fucking elector. Yeah. I think you were onto something with Mark Kelly. Yeah. Now that's an insurrector. Number five. I think, aren't we on six? Number four. Elizabeth Warren to the floor. We have our pick and she's going to select, drumroll please, Mike Pence's fly.

Imagine a VP that can land on a fruit, lay an egg, and eat it toot. So it's basically the fly from Mike Pence's hair started to turn into somebody metamorphosis style and he's still acting as a fly but he's five foot nine or some shit like that fine great that's a perfect pick let's lock that one in number two all right what did joe biden do number two ww joe biden do who the hell did he yeah they said he can't run to be president but they didn't say a thing about the vice what if he's number two in line wouldn't that be nice he served this country a long time i think he i think he deserves it imagine having your nuts in a vice president, that is. Number three, let's reverse course and choose Harris for VP. She did pretty fucking all right, if you ask me. So why can't she run again, I ask you, friend? Is it because she's trying to be the president yeah yeah so you got it with your

rhyme yeah you can't do it you're going backwards number five no no no turn around you're reading it from the bottom up now or something this is taking way too long you scroll like wait number number nine by mike pence is fine did we do the fly? You said that. Did I? We did the fly. It doesn't matter. We did Pence. Yeah. Number one, let's go one and done.

Who says no to Kamala going solo dolo? No VP. No VP. just no problem she's so young and infallible that the odds of her not making it to another four-year term are basically not there so we don't need a backup heir or a child to the throne i suggest she runs this shit all alone. Either that or Pete Buttigieg. I love Pete. Aren't you a Trump supporter?

I sort of am a political nomad. I'm incredibly impressionable. You know that about me. I'm a registered independent. I'm a libtard slash fucking fascist i go wherever people last posted on reddit i have no qualms or moral backbone of my own i will vote for anybody at any time right i am a i'm a pizza gate guy yeah and then we hear a gunshot and i go ah someone just fucking clipped my ear

what enough time that starts with you wearing the the trump band-aid on the ears it would be so funny this one can honestly start with that and then it's like oh you're standing in solidarity because of the thing. I'm like, I got an infected cartilage piercing, you asshole. Attempted what? There was another version of this that was VP pick ideas instead of the list. So instead of top 10, it's VP pick ideas and it's a quick cut episode i think that could work really well as well so i'm sort of her aid holding a clipboard

and we're just rifling through ideas yeah yeah a couple ideas when one is good just stop me we'll call it there because we only need one idea um so just remember as soon as you hear a good one stop me and we'll lock that in yeah okay i also first idea first idea is acai because they're like some of them are lunch ideas for later and then some of them are like i will get to the because i don't like thinking on an empty tank i need a little fuel yeah so just yes or no on don jr and yes or no on acai just so i know acai which and whenever i say something good let's stop because again i don't want to be here i am phoning it in just a little bit i am hungry i had food poisoning yesterday and i feel very depleted i got a bad night of sleep um i wouldn't mind an acai an oakberry abaya something like that

do you want can i get mine with nutella are you gonna order or do i have to do everything this is me talking to you or talking to the president this is you talking to vice president kamala harris got it yeah this is me on the phone with an Asahi place, actually. Yeah, you can do Nutella. Sorry. Yeah. I can hardly hear you. I think your earbuds are dying or something.

And what do you think about Dick Cheney running it back? Take that. Rewind it back. Does Mitt Romney move the needle for anybody? Very centrist. I feel like he across the aisle point i don't even know he would take it honestly like i mean we could fucking throw a hail mary and see what happens i can also do a chinese chicken salad like i can do romney i can do a fucking

coleslaw like remember to stop me if i say a good idea because i feel like i'm just gonna ramble and i don't know i'm i personally think i said three or four good things already but i want to hear it from the horse's mouth say yay or nay i thought you just wanted me to say when it was a good idea somebody shoots my ear again we can use the ear shot whenever yeah all right there's an there's an episode in there unfortunately we won't be able to make it in time We can use the earshot whenever. Yeah. All right. There's an episode in there. Unfortunately, we won't be able to make it in time, so it'll exist only as this segment, only as this theoretical. It's here just for you guys.

Who do you think she'll actually choose? I guess, what did they say? It's between the Arizona guy and Shapiro in Pennsylvania? Yeah. I really don't know. Maybe, I mean. The Jew or the astronaut. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Well, I want to win Pennsylvania, which is why I think that's what it'll be. Oh, you think Shapiro will take pennsylvania back from vancilvania did you see vance sort of um make a bad joke at his um first rally no what did he do he's like uh they think everything is racist i had a diet mountain too earlier and they probably would say that's racist good lord then there was a crowd like it that was like a smattering of laughter and he's like i like you guys oh god what a loser it was really bad and then people were sort of slamming him on twitter for ordering a diet mountain dew because that's sort of a yeah a cursed drink to begin with let alone bragging

about it let alone telling people that people would call him racist for getting it i did hear that there's like rumblings in the trump campaign that they regret picking him. That would be really funny if he got dropped. I would love that. You know he's younger than me? Yeah, 39. That's pretty cool, actually. He actually might have just turned 40. Oh, really?

I think his birthday is coming up. Him and LeBron are the same age, and they're both from Ohio. That actually gives me an idea. Wait, August the Harris. His birthday is three days before mine holy shit and he's the exact same year oh no he's 39 already you're turning 39 yeah yeah yeah exactly damn three days older than me or a year and three days that could have been you yeah i i i could be on the ticket in some way. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I don't know if Miss Harris has.

I'm probably not even on her radar as a potential pick. I know she's aware of me. Even as a dark, dark horse. Yeah. We run in the same circles, obviously, because I'm kind of a political operative lobbyist as you know you would help her win

Bohemia which has been a traditionally very red land a red realm as it were red dragon yeah other than that you bring nothing to the table she will

choose the astronaut. And she will get Arizona back. I also know about space. Okay. What is an astronaut nowadays? Anyway, we can look into that later. Segment over. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Let's go non-consecutive segments, segment one and three. I don't know if we've ever done this before, but we're bringing it back with a few more Would You Do That's. Yes, dude. I love Would You Do That. Trump style. He's trying to become 45 and 47. before but we're bringing it back with a few more would you do that yes dude i love would you do that trump style is trying to become 45 and 47 would you do that is trying to become the first

and third segment of the episode whoa the grover cleveland once a day you hear a balloon pop and if you're holding a drink, you have to drop it. But your back wouldn't hurt again. Wow. Yeah, I would do that. Like ever? My back would never have back pain? Yeah.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. That's like something I'm dealing with now. But also a loud boom like at 3 a.m. might be very jarring. Or if you're at a restaurant, you have to drop a glass a lot. You have to sort of deal with the daily repercussion.

Right. What are the odds that in a 24-hour period, I would be holding a drink? It probably would happen so infrequently that I think my back flaring up would happen more frequently yeah but if you're like holding a cold brew on a subway crowded right here pop oh i think i'd be aware of i would know that this was like what my lot in life was though so i'd probably like do do everything i could to not hold a drink like right now i'm i have a coffee but it's on the table i wouldn't have i'm not holding it i wouldn't have to drop it you'd still hear the pop you still be freaked out

yeah that would be the pop would be kind of annoying i could see that but i'm thinking i'm future-proofing like when i'm in my 60s i could imagine my back hurting way more than it does now right now it's it's very manageable but like if it gets worse i get worried about yeah yeah exactly so if i could just take that off the table i'll never have to worry about that that seems worth it all right finally an easy one for you all right you could do a back flip wherever, but you have to wear a thumb ring. Would you do that? A thumb ring. You get to choose the ring, but it needs to be a thumb ring, one. But then you could just sort of, you know, impress people. You could do a backflip.

That's pretty sick. Yeah. I could land it every time. Yeah. Two feet to two feet feet imagine you on the beach fucking doing a backflip that's pretty cool yeah hey have you seen the guy with a thumb ring at the party he could do a backflip right thumb ring guy what a loser or you go thumb ringless and you can't do the backflip which is where you are now. Right. Yeah. I think doing a backflip would be really cool, but I think the novelty doesn't last super long because I'm not meeting that many people these days. Right.

It would be the people that you already know. Yeah. There'd kind of be one round. I feel like it would be about a year of me showing off this backflip before people don't really need to see it anymore yeah like we know so you know you could do the backflip are you still wearing my come ring i feel like we should go to la thumb ring yeah we record some segments you see a couple backflips i come again maybe you want to see the backflips again but the third time are we doing backflips or is that not really happening anymore

everyone's it's a cool party trick yeah yeah but i don't go to parties i think it's not the trade the you asked me 10 years ago i would do the back flip i wanted the attention now i'm i don't really see an opportunity for it and the thumb ring yeah that just that seems like something i would just kind of like be aware of all the time yeah i like my wedding ring i like having a ring yeah but one on each hand would probably be a little little much for me and i wouldn't want two on one yeah would you do the thumb if you were gonna do the thumb ring you would do it on the non ring finger hand i think i would have to yeah i would be on this hand man and like i think maybe any other any other finger i might even consider really yeah like an index finger like a an aura

ring that tracks your health or something yeah like i might do an index thing. I would, I think I would take the deal for an index finger ring on the right hand. Really? Index finger ring and you would do the back flip. Thumb ring on either hand, you're out.

Yeah. It's a very specific thing. Yeah. It's like a, what does the thumb ring really denote? Vitality. Yeah.

It is funny how it's like, it might as well just be another finger but there's something different about the thumb of it all yeah okay here's the last one for you okay you have to smoke one cigarette a day or take a shot of whiskey every day before noon before noon so it's not like before bed you get to take a shot of whiskey okay for a year straight every day a cig or a shot before noon okay yeah got it would you do that oh wait sorry then that's it but it gives you the ability to speak any language fluently for that year or would it would it last once that year is up as like every year you do it you get a year of fluency oh so i would so interesting so i could do it for a year and then the next year following year i'd be fluent and i

and then i'd lose it after that correct if you don't if you don't continue the smoke or the whiskey before noon a shot i see so i basically have to do this every single day to be fluent and this seems like one of those ones that I should take because being fluent in any language feels like it unlocks so many doors for you. But that just sounds so uncomfortable. I don't think I would want it. I wouldn't want that feeling. But a nightly cigarette might be like a nice calming thing anyway, although there are health implications. But you said it had to be before

noon no the whiskey shot is before noon the cigarette oh anytime interesting i wonder how bad smoke i mean it's not good but smoking one cigarette every evening can't be all that bad for a year for one year you're giving me a fucking emphysema for that i barely had one and some of the days you don't even do this last credit but it's the whiskey could i do a year on and a year off like i smoke for a year and then i can speak for a year then i smoke and speak at the same time or am i always going to forget the languages unless i'm smoking you have to sort of bank it so for one year straight if you do the cigarette or the whiskey before noon cigarette whenever the whiskey shot before noon before noon before noon it needs to be a morning whiskey okay

then you get the year after that of fluency you want to keep it going you got to keep the sig going or the whiskey before noon. Before noon, I got it. The cigarette makes it a little more compelling. I still think in my gut, I'm just like, I don't want to do this. What about in your lungs? Yeah, it seems like I should do it. It seems like I should do it.

Because speaking any language would be so nice. But it's also not healthy yeah it's really bad i think i think i wouldn't do it i think i would not be interested you had a phase in la where you would like smoke a cigarette every night yeah i and i did enjoy it i used to smoke a cigarette on the way on the way home from the office and then you used to have that shot of whiskey every morning too so like this is sort of what yeah this is kind of our first year in la i yeah i basically got drunk every night i remember i used to be like oh yeah just like a little nip of whiskey and then i'd have like a huge glass yeah just a taste yeah and you weren't fluent in basically

even english by that point you were so hammered you could barely speak i definitely didn't feel good so no i don't think i would do it. Final answer. And you? I would say yes to all these things. And I have. That's why I'm living in this $10 million month. That's why I will be voting, Donald. That's why I will be smoking the cig. And then I speak the rest of this episode in perfect Italian.

And did I mention I'm six, nine and can throw a fucking 80 mile per hour curve. I guess the curve going 80 is good. That's kind of cool. Right? Yeah. All right. Let us know. Would you do that?

This is a, we keep doing this. We could turn it into a book and sell it at an Urban Outfitters. That's good. A coffee table book? Yeah. Would you do that? Would you turn this into a coffee table book?

No, I wouldn't. That sounds like it would take a lot of effort. What if you were 6'3"? If I could do it and be 6'3", I would do it. And add a juice every morning. Yeah. And a a juice every morning. Yeah. And a cigarette after that. You vote for Jill Stein and somebody gives you $1,000 one day.

That's not enough. But you don't have to tell anyone. That's fine. All right. That's it. That's our episode of Segments. Thank you for watching. If you are on YouTube, thank you for listening.

If you are doing that, thank you for watching us on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA. We're making weekly videos there. Exactly. If you thought writing this episode of Jake and Amir was fun, wait till you see the scrolls we've written there and the scroll episodes we've watched. We're re-watching. We're rewriting. We're doing it all at

Patreon.com slash JA. That's right. As always, we'll be back next Monday. Adios. Bye, everybody. Ciao. Buongiorno.

Laila Tov. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You can do it. Anyhow. Anyhow. That was a Hiddem Original.