Segments - 43: JV Dance

Episode Date: August 26, 2024

In this episode we discuss how we became fools of ourselves at Harvard, and then we answer questions off of Reddit. Plus, Verdle is back!Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations. They swear! Second. Another podcast.

Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army knife of shows. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. Hell yeah. We're finally going to do that live. IRL, hands up, hands raised.

We've got the shows. We've got two shows. Let's not talk about it. It's tacky. It's selling out. Let's promote the shows. The shows will sell or they won't. But we forgot to promote it

last week the less we didn't promote it when the tickets they went on sale and we didn't say anything on pod about it we forgot to do that we had to i put it on my insta story that's that and you sold three and a half tickets in phil. I don't know how that even happens. Yeah, okay. Two comps. So it's three tickets and two comps, which I guess count as a half. I set aside for Philadelphia athletes that don't even know who I am and will not come to the show. Yeah, they won't be there. They won't be there.

You'll be performing. Shane Victorino, the flying Hawaiian, is on the list. Right. That doesn't matter because how would you tell him? Randall Cunningham. Yeah. Ex-Philadelphia Eagle. Sure.

On the list. Quarterback. Punter. Uh-huh. On the list. They don't care. They don't know. They don't care.

Their people are clueless to us. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. For all they know, we're two fucking 40 year old morons who have a podcast that's what we are that is what we are and they don't even know that they have no idea that you exist or i exist so they won't come no right so okay so let's promote let's promote it here then yeah so why are you like why are you making it out like I'm the bad guy?

You're not the bad. You're the weird guy. You're being weird about this whole thing. J.D. Vance. You're J.D. Vancing me. J.V. Dance. Ooh. Now that's weird. Where do people get the tickets?

Where do they get the tickets? That's the hard part. Because I don't know where. That's the part we haven't quite the tickets where do they get the tickets that's the hard part because i don't know where i don't quite we are promoting the show i think people know that we have one uh i said the date once maybe september 27th in philadelphia september 28th in new york city to get people listening don't live near there. So this is a waste of everyone's time. Yes, exactly. And if you go to jakeandamir.com, obviously that forwards to our YouTube channel. So you're going to want to go to, it's not that hard, concerts.livenation.com slash jakeandamir segments live Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 09272024 event 02006107C7F770D4?g. This is in a letter.

It's just one of those, you know, like the bar. Like the, you know, it's like a slash. It's not a forward slash. It's not a backslash. It's just a vertical dash. A vertical dash. A vertical dash. A vertical dash. A vertical dash. Equal sign, one, asterisk, VC, five J's, EA, asterisk, underscore, GA, asterisk, OD.

Okay. Wait, D or B? D. Oh, it looks, god damn, does it keep on going? D like dog. It literally goes for, it looks like God damn, does it keep on going? D like dog. It literally goes for... It looks like pie. It looks like fucking pie.

It's fucking irrational. It's a URL that literally can't mathematically end. But New York's on September 28th. That one's a lot easier. It's eventbrite.com slash e slash jig dash and dash Amir dash segments live tickets 98326050607 question mark.

I'm going to Babe Ruth call my shot, point to the crowd and say, by the time you guys hear this, New York is sold out. Really? How does that sound? Really? Yeah. Okay. So don't bother going to eventbrite.com slash E slash Jake in the ear segments live. It's a waste of our time.

Tickets, yeah. That show is gone, baby, gone. We haven't sold it out yet. That is over left field. By the time you hear it. Dead center. Pointing my, and then I cracked the bat. Philadelphia is at three.

Is at three. So you're going to want to scrub back to url that i said that was the the concerts dot live nation one and figure that whole thing out it should be at headgum.com slash live but i forgot to ask marika to do that yeah well maybe by the time this one comes out instagram maybe by the time our instagram this comes out it'll be on headgum.com slash live because right now yeah the only the only show that's being promoted on headgum.com slash live is a headgum happy hour at the bell house on tuesday may may 7th so that's yeah season yeah that was a that was in the spring. That was last spring. Best case scenario, we're in Philadelphia, the 27th, New York, the 28th, and there's a ticket link somewhere, probably in the caption of this podcast. How about that?

Well, that'd be great. That'd be great. At the very least, it's in the bio on Instagram. Don't bother. It's in your bio on Instagram. Even if you have a ticket to New York, don't show up. Why? It's sold out.

Well, if they have a ticket, they well if they have a ticket then they helped it sell out so we will need that ass in a seat otherwise i see yeah otherwise i guess you collect you collect your money but you perform to an empty venue and that i can't be what you're doing it for really okay i think i'm gonna do the covet thing where i say i have it and people can't get mad at me yeah still with the money i don't want i don't want this to turn into a spreader event because i am yes still unvaccinated my vax has laxed it's lapsed and laxed and i have the super flu uh okay we did it we promoted the, we promoted the shows, even though we didn't have to promote New York because it sold out. It's definitely sold out.

For real. It sold out. This actually reminded me that we talked about our live show in Boston in 2016 where the Harvard Lampoon, famous comedy magazine, reached out to us and wanted to have us over slash not haze us, but like, what is it called? Like become honorary members? Yeah, we were going to be inducted as fools, as they say. Fools, P-H-O-O-L-S. Fools. Oh, I don't even remember that part.

Yeah, well, I just I kind of like um harvard lampoon hazing ritual this morning to see if i could jog my memory there's a bunch of articles that kind of cover this like um this like this thing mysterious ritual that's inducting uh the harvard lampoon i guess like back in the 70s and 80s it was like a wild raucous like swinging from chandeliers dancing on tabletops type of like yeah you know frat when we were there i guess we can tell the story now but if it was a bit different yeah we talked about uh sort of doing this a week or two ago but we didn't get into the story because we forgot if we had told it or not but i guess we've never told this story yeah or if we have we left out some details maybe maybe we felt

like we weren't supposed to say anything because it is a secret it's a secret ritual but secretive yeah it seems fine humor magazine we also don't really we don't remember it enough to have a huge effect on anybody so So here's what we remember. They have a castle on campus that people either live or work out of. And it's like from the 1800s or something. It looked like a Hogwarts type situation to me. They reached out to us.

They said they like inducted people like Jimmy Fallon, John Mulaney into the Harvard Lampoon. And we're like, oh, that sounds cool. That sounds like it's an honor. I'll go anywhere Coney has been. But you know what? Maybe they didn't tell us they were going to induct us.

They just told us to visit. I don't think they, because I think the induction thing was a surprise. So I think they were just like, you guys should visit. And we definitely didn't know to what extent. And Marty definitely didn't need to be part of it nor what did he want to so marty was there with us marty would often kind of come to these shows as our de facto manager um right just to make sure everything is running smoothly and happily and if anything went wrong or if we needed anything marty could kind of be the go-between because we were preparing

for the show slash getting drunk backstage so couldn't really be any help so anyway it's like 3 p.m in boston we are invited to the the castle on campus and we went there and they gave us it was kind of like we got a tour but we were kind of just milling around in the front two rooms and like yeah it was a little weird i think they like asked us if we wanted any wine there's just like you know kids hanging out there reading books drinking beer and we were 30 and 32 or something so yeah younger than we are now but still a lot older than 19 and 21-year-olds who were there. So I believe because we had the show later and we had just taken the train up from New York, we're like, oh, we're not going to drink anything. We're just, I guess, here to hang out. But everybody was being very quiet.

It was a little weird. And then they called us into this other room. They're like, oh, yeah, you come in and check out this room. And then they called us into like this other room. They're like, oh, yeah, you come in and check out this room. And we walked in. It was a lot of secret rooms, like bookcases that rotated around and you were in a different place. Yeah. Vibe. We walked into this room.

Yeah, you know, like the stained glass, dark. And there was just a kid. I think he was just sitting there wearing a bird mask or like one of those plague doctor masks it was like two people in bird masks and after we walked through that door we didn't see anybody's face for the next hour and a half everyone was wearing bird masks yeah i don't know if they had robes but it was definitely robe energy slash robe adjacent yeah candle lit lights out bird mask we walk in we're like oh hey and they told us uh to take a seat and then they pointed to the floor they were like you have to sit on the floor sit down when we had to make

a decision whether we wanted to go along with this at all yeah haphazardly go along with it or just like buy all we still had some power here the door was still open you and i are like we're like looking at each other we're laughing like are we actually gonna do this are we gonna go through with this this seems weird marty is like i shouldn't be here you guys like whatever this is not you obviously want to do it with jake and amir marty's like i shouldn't be here you guys have like whatever this is not you obviously want to do it with jake and amir he's like i don't need to be inducted i don't need to be a fool yeah i'm actually pretty hungry i just drove them here this was a chipotle yeah um but but i guess that like they wanted him to to stay too or maybe they also just didn't really know how to handle the situation.

So Marty sits down. Some people being like, no, I don't want it. It's such a weird moment when someone doesn't want to play along at all. But that has to have happened if it was us today or Jimmy Fallon at age 40. He's like, yeah, I don't have time for this. Yeah, I'm not doing this. But no, I think there's something about the Ivy League of the whole. Harvard.

Yeah. It's the name Harvard and then the lampoon. They're like, all right, this is as close as I'll get to being a part of this institution. And I have to be honest, the access that I've gotten in my life as a fool, I don't know if you've ever, if you tried to get on like an overbooked flight or check into a hotel ahead of time if you tell them you're a fool house yeah they were tasing me they tased my they'll tase you but they won't mace you that's that's being a fool because i'm a fool yeah and i and i am foolish for trying i'll try to yeah enter a lounge at the delta terminal at

lax tell them i'm a fool so there was basically being an erowan member after this there was just like this is why i think it's okay that we can talk about it because i don't specifically remember it was very cavernous we kept on like going downstairs riddles into like other weird rooms and yeah every room that we went to there was some kind of like riddle that we needed to solve. And everybody was being. To get to the next. Everyone was being mean to us.

Yeah. That was part of the charm slash reason why Marty didn't want to be there. Yeah. Yeah. They were like, they were making fun of us. I can't really remember exactly how, but I remember feeling stupid and like, and that they were doing it on purpose. Yeah. Cause it's,

it's half an honor, half sort of like triggers your, I'm being bullied part of your brain where you're like, get the fuck away from me. You're younger than me. And a sort of a bookworm slash comedy. Yeah. I don't need to be here.

I don't have to take this. I'm 30. But I also know that they— At the same time, we did kind of have to take it. Yeah, because once we got through that second room, we're like, all right, the only way out is through. And I think this is also like a very condensed, basically into an hour or two.

It's a condensed process of what the hazing ritual is to actually be inducted. If you go to Harvard, it's like several weeks of these torturous mind games so right it is kind of like a comedy fraternity it felt it was also good that we were there together because i think you and i just kept we like the three of us were kind of like laughing at each other like not taking it super seriously but i do remember trying to get the riddles um pretty hard i think i remembered guessing and i was so sure that i was right that i was like there's no right answer because it's about creativity or something like no slapped you that's a stupid guess

you obviously didn't even apply to this school there was an intimidation to the guessing of all of their riddles because it's like they're harvard students and they're clearly kind of smart so i so i'm like yeah and they were still smarter like even a 19 year old harvard student smarter than us yeah i'm a goddamn dropout i'm a goddamn dropout so like i feel like all of that was coming back uh did you find any specifics when you searched the lampoon hazing ritual no most of it was coverage from 19 1979 so there yeah there was no specifics on exactly what we would have went through but i think we did like there you know there's maybe things like you have to no i i'm not entirely sure i all i remember was being in like different rooms and answering different riddles yeah i remember trying to even write for my college um comedy newsletter and i couldn't like it was a very like specific

style of humor and very like insidery and like very clicky and i just couldn't penetrate that fortress that they had so like doing it interesting even as a 30 something year old at harvard brought back those memories as well i'm like just usher me from room to room let me get this honorary anything like is there a record of any of this or is it just like now you are this bye and right now there's no we didn't sign a plaque or anything there right that was the god i wish i could remember this but this again this is why it's it's good that i don't because i think this is like the most secret part i think like the final answer to one of the riddles is like they open the door to the great room in the yeah yeah, there was a large dining room.

Yeah. Like that, that was like the, the, the dining hall, the, the big, the big giant,

like prize, the showroom basically. And they're like, yeah, uh, the answer to life's riddle or whatever is experiencing it with your friends or whatever. And then you like, we opened it up and there was like a bunch of kids in there and they all like cheered and clapped for us the robes off yeah yeah um and then it was

kind of like it was kind of worth you there was like there was definitely a moment of euphoria as i'm like okay all the teasing is over and these people have accepted me look they're applauding for me so now you understand why fraternities haze. Yeah. Anyway, Marty and Conan O'Brien are both members of the Harvard Lampoon now because of that. They're both fools. Faithful afternoon. Didn't they then have a party that night that we went to, like after the show? Yeah.

Or was that a separate Harvard invitation? That's what I don't remember. I think we went, was that, that was just like that insane frat party that we went to, right? And Dave was there. Yeah, yeah. That was, I think it was the same weekend, but it was a different fraternity. Oh, it was one of the, it was like from, it was like that thing from the Facebook movie. It was a finals party you know the final

house or whatever yeah we were tapped by two final houses that night yeah we were we were invited to a finals party and i remember like it was so fucking insane there it was just a mansion that was a club there was a giant ice luge in like a formal dining room everybody was just a mansion that was a club. There was a giant ice luge in like a formal dining room. Everybody was just like smoking cigarettes inside, strobe lights upstairs. I remember literally dancing on the biggest dining table I've ever seen. Yeah, probably from 1743. There was just somebody walking around in a fur coat. I'm eight years older than anybody at this party.

That's the only way to feel like a Harvard sophomore is to be a 29-year-old non-Harvard person who's doing a live show in Boston. I needed the confidence of somebody that sold out the House of Blues to be able to walk in there. And again, tickets for our Philadelphia show. Not selling well. Really bad. We need to go to UPenn. Yeah. If there's something I could be inducted to in Pennsylvania, I think that would be really nice.

Even if it's Temple or Drexel or whatever, I don't care at this point. Our first live show ever, I believe, was in LaSalle, our first college show, which is in Philadelphia. That's right. That is right. I don't know. Bookend, something there, something special.

Do you remember who hosted that show? It was you and me performing with, I don't remember, Dan Levy or somebody. Dan Levy was the host. You and I, I think he introduced us and it was John Mulaney.

God, whatever happened to him? I feel like I haven't heard much about John Mulaney since that night. Yeah. I guess comedy is not for everybody. Couldn't cut it. A lot of people can't. I mean, even us, we're struggling to sell. Even us, we've only sold three tickets in Philly.

I wonder if he's in The Lampoon. I think he is. I think they name dropped him did they answer that did he answer the riddle correctly though i wonder if they just sort of ushered him from room to room see i want they must have had such different experiences because you know when you're a sink when it's just fallon or it's just mulaney they are alone doing all of it so it might have been actually kind of intimidating. Maybe you get more into it. Yeah.

It had like a sleep no more vibe. If you've ever done that, it was like the immersive play experience. I haven't, but it does. I mean, it rings true from what I know about sleep. No more basically sleep.

No more, except everybody's teasing you and they're 19. Yeah, exactly. All right. I stroll down memory lane. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive,

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FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.com that'd be great is that available it's not available yeah but how'd you like to own freaky tuesday interesting freaky tuesday so that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new it's kind of like having a new personality yeah it's funny i consider myself a vision lif, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Welcome back. Hey, hey. I don't even think we introduced the show. It's segments. Segments. After all these years. Yeah. Yeah.

So when you're searching Google for Philadelphia, Jake and Amir live show segments. And we have to figure out what the segments will be for these shows, too. That's true. Guarantee poetry or noetry, right? Has to be at least one. And you said you wanted to do a mystery guest, which seems really hard because we'd have to sneak somebody into the room that one of us doesn't see. Right, right. Someone would be backstage with a mic saying yes or no to the questions.

That's pretty cool, actually. Actually, we'd have a proxy saying yes or no. So the proxy is saying yes or no while one of us guesses. Wow. So there will be a mystery guest and a mystery proxy. Yes, exactly. So the proxy is saying yes or no. Well, one of us guesses. Wow. So there will be a mystery guest and a mystery proxy. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Okay.

What's this segment? All right. This segment is, well, there's a popular Reddit called Ask Reddit, where people ask questions that they're curious about. And I decided that we could just kind of make Ask Reddit, ask Jake and Amir, because, you know, they're asking, these are open questions anybody can answer. Why not us? So some user asks, what's a toxic trait that you recognize in yourself? I'll give you, I'll give you the two top answers. This, this person says I'm inflexible.

I want to do things my own way. Uh, and the other person, the person after that says, I don't talk about my feelings at all. It's hard to know if I'm sad or mad about something. That's interesting. That's very interesting. It sounds like somebody else. I'm sad or mad.

Right. Either that's me. Well, I think you don't talk about your sad or mad. I, yeah, I'm really sad or mad? I, yeah. I'm really sad right now and I'm mad. Yeah. That you think that. I do think actually that you mask your feelings.

You hide them with humor. By the way, you're doing it right now. Are you okay? But that's not a toxic trait. That's actually my entire. Are you okay? There it is. Yeah.

I don't think we're going to fucking sell out New York, man. Cry like a fucking loser. I tried to put it out of the ether. You're a nerd. I guess your toxic trait is that you're really, really mean to me. So mine is that I don't talk about me being sad, which is like kind of a nice toxic trait, really. Yours is that you're outwardly mean to people yeah which is probably the worst toxic that's the most toxic you can be

and you don't even recognize it which makes it i'm brash and negative i'm combative and mean to a fucking fault actually i'll give a just a general shout out to reddit i've been using reddit more and more recently oh yeah that website is getting better and better i don't know if you use reddit like that i well like what every everything has a community that's like thriving and it has like interesting questions and answers yeah i i have i disagree i think that there are if you know exactly where to look and if you find the right community, you can definitely find what you want. If you say— And in general, it's a lot more positive than any other internet community I've found.

I don't know about that. I think everybody at Reddit is kind of, as we call them, a circle-jerking diva. I think people really enjoy hearing their own take and hoping their comment gets voted to the top. For instance, if you go on the surfing Reddit and you see anybody looking, you know, what's the best nine-foot board or whatever, you'll see a lot of people being like, stay out of the water. You're a bad surfer. You don't like surfing. No way. Really?

I mean, not like, like not that not that direct is really fucked and that gets up but they're all just mean to you for something yeah i'm on the surfing subreddit it looks like a really nice place but your hint post at the top please don't talk to this i have a lot of money and i hate the beach which wetsuit keeps the sand out the most looking for a surf instructor who can prop me up on a wave long enough to take a picture for my tinder bio I want a bookie board and see

some tits and I'm all out of tits how much money will it cost to close down your beach for a photo shoot of mine yeah I'm surprised that the surfers which are already a positive community they're not they're not they're not they're not a positive community yeah no i think some of them i mean just like anything but you you find a lot of gatekeeping on reddit oh man especially like

the parenting subreddits they can be very very shamey about about doing uh whatever you're doing you're asking advice on like how to do baby led feeding and everybody is like they're your baby's gonna choke or whatever so there's i agree with you here's an example of a good one we were we were trying to get like our um our baby cam our nanit to work on vacation where we're staying at a hotel that had an unprotected wi-fi um and right you have to like log into a you put your last name and room number right and how do you do that on a nanny yeah on the on that camera you you need to give a web like uh uh like a wireless password and if

there isn't a password you just can't get it um so there was like a reddit community that that had an answer and we were able to find it. But I think, I feel like as I think that YouTube is better because whatever I'm looking for, I usually like a video explainer. Um, and it's, I don't like wading through a bunch of comments and some of them are helpful and some of them are like two years old. So they're kind of out of date.

I prefer YouTube to Reddit. Interesting. Yeah. I used YouTube recently to fix my toilet. And how did it go? two years old so they're kind of out of date i prefer youtube to reddit interesting yeah i used youtube recently to fix my toilet and how did it go oh well water's filling up your zoom background i hate for this to turn into a home repair hour protect my sink that's when you take a shit on the handle and that's your most toxic trait oh right we're talking about toxic traits uh no it's like my flush is becoming weaker and weaker and weaker in one of the toilets and eventually like it took

like three four or five and then like it just swirled but didn't flush. Was that in the guest toilet right across the hall? Yeah. I could have told you that toilet had a very weak flush. Very weak. Yeah. It was a real issue when I was staying here. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, actually, it wasn't until after you got here. It said it found a turd from when you were here that was thick like clay, and it latched onto the porcelain. The density of a bowling ball so it was so there was like like a deep clog it was a clog like you know like when you flush your toilet it goes down and up oh a down and up compartment that you can't see like back there right right you can clear out with like some sort of like acid clr that you can buy but a cool thing that i learned is if you turn the water off to your toilet you can flush your toilet without just the handle you just take a bucket of water and pour it into the bowl and it flushes oh yeah yeah you really have to trust that because you have a

bucket of water that's more than the toilet bowl can hold and they're like just pour the entire bucket in there and if it flushes away that means that there's like a clog in the flushing mechanism. And if it's totally clogged, then I'll just shoot water everywhere because there's too much room. So like, all right, I hope this works. I take this bucket of water and like pour it into the bowl and it flushes. It sounds like a regular flush, but I didn't touch the handle at all. And then after that, there's a little bit of water left. It like flushes the water and leaves a little bit left

so that when you add that CLR, it can be more concentrated and help dissolve whatever clog you have. Interesting. So YouTube taught me that. And it's flushing better now? It is flushing better now, yeah. Congratulations.

And does that make you happy? Because I think it's important that you talk about your feelings. It actually makes me begrudge my old man why did i have to go to youtube to learn adults how do you exercise your creativity yeah no i was gonna say maybe start a vlog i guess we already had that we kind of have the answer to that one uh okay uh here's a question to those who have been cheated on. How did you find out that they were cheating?

Do you ever get cheated? I've never been cheated on. I, if I have, then I, I did actually never found out, but I was like told towards the end of a relationship that she's like, yeah, I ended up other person at a party yeah i'm like okay um but it was sort of the beginning of the end anyway it wasn't like in the middle of a relationship where i found out right i caught somebody doing anything i i think i had something similar to that but i think it was like it's like after we had you know it was like one of those very very early relationships where like had broken up, but we were still kind of together, still jealous of each other. We were on a break. Yeah.

It was like we weren't together, but we were like, but we're not hooking up with anybody else, but she was or something. It was like I found out about an event, but I was a much worse cheater. I think if I ever found out that I had been cheated on, I would have just been like, that makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. I'm sure I did way worse. That's fair. Okay. I deserve that.

Okay. This is a nice one. Peeves, Poltergeist. I don't know why I'm giving these people credit. They didn't write to us, but just some guy on Reddit wrote, what is your favorite way to use the word fuck?

I probably, in a pain, like stubbing my finger slash that's your favorite you love to be in pain yeah it's a cathartic thought like it's such that it's a visceral capital f like scream i don't get to scream fuck very often i i think i say fuck when i orgasm oh interesting yeah so you're like, I am fucking. It's almost like you're reading a chat GPT of like what the experience is like. I am fucking. This is why everyone's cheated on me. That's your favorite way to say it too.

How cool is that? Can I ask you a personal question? No. When you come come what do you say i want to know that is a personal question actually i do you say oh you say i brown you say i brown out i so you say i'm browning out i'm elsewhere i'm browning out god i wake up and it's three hours later it's like it's a car accident i don't remember the whole day i wake up in a puddle of my own drool what happened yeah in an adult type or full of your semen though yes exactly i've been through a traumatic event

but it's like the opposite yeah i guess it's an orgasmic trauma. Okay. All right, fine. Do you want another question? All right, one last one. Ooh, here we go. What's the smoothest pickup line you've ever been told? Been told? I don't think I've ever heard a pickup line that was good or would work i don't know if girls give me pickup lines yeah

definitely nobody oh i guess if one i was taking it as just like somebody told you to use a pickup line or a pickup line that you would try oh like but a guy told me to use this pickup line i think i remember in we were like at a bar it's a long time ago when we were touring in D.C. Do you remember when I was growing my big-ass beard with the bet that I had with Streeter? This was a time when not a lot of people our age had beards. I guess they weren't as trendy as they are now. I felt pretty self-conscious of this beard all the time. Somebody walked up to me in the bar and told me that they liked my beard and i remember like thinking that was awesome at the time that's

the reason people do that like the whole point of it's like peacocking as they say it's like i'm gonna wear this thing i'll stand out and then somebody has something yeah it's a conversation starter it's an icebreaker yeah cool this nice that has anybody ever come up to you has anybody ever come on to you i'm sure they have and i don't remember what the heck they said i remember once a lady constantly flirting with me by saying that i had to stare into her eyes when we cheersed oh that's cute that's pretty flirtatious because i would always look at the cup like no stare into my eyes whoa okay wow i guess it it made a mark if i remember it yeah that's so hot my god i'm turned on i am fucking i am fucking. I am fucking.

And then she's like, oh, actually, I think you have a stye. That's why I want you to look at me. That's why I wanted you to do that. Yeah. Okay, confirmed. This is a wandering eye. Yeah, your left eye can't focus. I think you have strabismus or a lazy eye. I recommend a subreddit to diagnose the entire thing.

Yeah. Medical stuff is also very good at subreddit. I know you got like random medical things here and there. Avital and I find that talking to people who have suffered through this thing or like combing through an entire community of people that have this thing is so much better than talking to a doctor. Yeah. I can see that. But then I also sometimes if I have something wrong with me, I'll look. Like when I hurt my back, I was looking to see if it was, you know, what is this thing or whatever.

And then you just find somebody who's had chronic back pain for three and a half years and they can't solve it. And you're like, okay, I don't know if this is helpful or scary to me. Because I don't think I have that. I don't know if i want that but so it's like going to web md when you're like i have a tickle in the back of my throat and being like i think i have throat cancer throat cancer yeah it's always throat cancer uh yeah there's and it's like the people that are posting there are the people that are struggling nobody's like oh i'm totally fine and i'm on a back subreddit my dog is healthy and i'm on epileptic

dog this is just totally cool don't worry about it just end up reading horror stories which i oh, I'm totally fine and I'm on a back subreddit. My dog is healthy and I'm on epileptic dog. This is just totally cool. Don't worry about it. You just end up reading horror stories, which I guess is maybe nice and cathartic because then you think about how your life is not as bad. A group therapy. Yeah.

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All right, we're back. Let's do a classic, an old segment that i want to bring back not because it's necessarily a fan favorite it's just fun for me to play okay let's hear it and i'm talking about a game i invented that i'll take credit for yeah it's called vertal and it is verbal wordle okay that's five we're doing five yeah is verbal are you still playing wordle are you still playing wordle. Okay. That's five. We're doing five. Yeah. Wordle is verbal wordle. Are you still playing wordle? Are you still playing wordle? I'm actually not. And I should, I used to just try to get it in one.

So I'll like open wordle once a day and write tiger. And it's like, if it's not tiger, I'm out. Yeah. Or begin or like some word. But now like it's been so long. I'm like, what if they already use tiger and I'm just spinning my wheels for nothing. Right. Yeah.

Cool. Good for you. I hope you broke the cycle. Okay. I got a word. So you guess. Is it Tiger? You got it in one.

Fucking amazing. No. Well, the joy of Virgil is that one, people can, it's almost like an exercise in trying to keep your mind acute and aware and being able to figure out in real time which squares are green and yellow. And then you have to figure that word out based on those clues. So give me your first guess. Plate. Plate.

Okay. Plate. It's actually hard for you as well. Yes, it's really hard for me. Green. Sorry. What? Gray. Asshole hard for me. Green, sorry. What? Gray, asshole.

Let me start with the top. Gray, gray, gray, gray, gray. It's an all gray or an Earl gray as they call it. Really? You just eliminated P-L-A-T-E. That's wild. How about crowd? Wish I did something with another vowel, but crowd.

Yellow. Okay. Gray. Gray. Gray. Gray. All right. So all we have is a C.

Okay. Oh, and I should say you guys can play at home. I totally forgot. Oh, Spunk. With a C? Of course not. No, no, no. I'll give it to you.

No, no, no. I was going to say. I forgot this is hard mode. You have to use the C. Okay. I have to use the C. Okay do have to i have to use the c um okay so where would the c go it's it well there's no e so a c t o c t uh it's not u c t it could be u c t um o c t u c b um okay okay um oh my god uh this is really this is a tough car game because you have to give it your utmost concentration

you probably would drive into a wall at this point so i said plate okay so sc uh uh uh score score not score uh scour scour no we already said crowd fucking hell um you can give up i should say you can totally give up i'm not gonna give up but there's okay s i like sc but maybe i shouldn't like sc as much as i do maybe it's gonna be ck um okay uh not shock obviously it's not shock well i mean you can just say just to get some more information it's not like you have to get pluck pluck oh no there's no i already guessed p that's great this sucks uh ray no no no wait hold on hold on it's funny that you spent four minutes debating a word and then chose the worst object. It's like frat. Frick. Frick.

No. Yeah. Well, yeah. Frick. Yeah. I don't even think that's a word, but I'll let you have it. Okay. Just because we really have to get a third guess.

We have to move on. Yeah. Gray. No F. Gray. I already did an R. Shit. Yellow.

Yellow. Okay. Gray. So I know there's an ic this is obscene and you're on your third your three guesses deep we only got three guesses left um stick no wait but that was yellow no okay hold on hold on stick is do you want it no are you locking it in no i don't want to lock it but there's an s i have i guessed s yet i don't think so uh no you play crowd late and you guessed yeah okay uh okay all right so there is so there's I think there's a song of course it's really hard to fucking do this game

s see that's our time I don't know all to tell you guys jake milk the clock he's stalling i guess i'm not stalling trying to run out it's hard to think of the it's really embarrassed this is embarrassing this is embarrassing i really i i would challenge anybody to sit in this hot seat okay this is it's honestly is exactly what i felt like at the lampoon this is exactly how it felt it's like now i'm nervous that i'm so dumb that i can't think of a word and it makes it's exactly what I felt like at the Lampoon. This is exactly how it felt. It's like, now I'm nervous that I'm so dumb that I can't think of a word. It's kind of making my brain shut down. But I know there's an S and a C and an I. I don't know there's an S.

Why do you know? Because I feel like you were really eager to give me stick. And I feel like, okay, how about but not stack? And it's not stuck. Could it be stuck? No, it wouldn't be because I think it – Was there a K? Did I do plate?

What did I say? Plate, crowd. What was – oh, frick. Yeah, yeah. It's not that. It's not stuck. You just want me to guess it, you piece of shit. Scion.

S-C-I-O-N? Yeah. Okay. I know I already guessed it with the crowd. Everybody at home could shut up. Yellow. Yellow. Yellow.

Right, because I didn't move that. Yellow. Yellow. Yellow. Right, because I didn't move that. Gray. Gray. And you are four guesses deep. I didn't learn anything. You have not gotten a grade. I didn't learn anything. You have five and six left.

But there's an S and there's a C. Oh. I should say this word is so weird, you probably have never heard it, nor do I think I'm spelling it correctly at all. Okay, maybe it starts with an I. The word was frick. Frick.

Oh my good Lord. This is so sad. We've never done this before, but i think we have to cut this like we yeah we can't release this right we cannot release this all right what's the what's the goddamn what's the word no you're not giving up you have five you only got another guess i have one more guess crazy or do i have i don't know yeah um okay plate you got what six? I don't want to get six. Okay. Plate, you got, what was it? I don't know. Frick, scion.

Yeah, scion, crowd, I think. I think I, let me guess the first word again. Just like erase everything that I have ever even said. Let's start from scratch. Oh my God. It's got to be it. That's a seven letter word. We'll have to move the I.

Okay. Ica, Ica, Ica? I see. to be it that's a seven i have to move the i um okay i ca i ca i ca oh i see no what why would why would it be that i cash i cosh i is that even a word is i cosh a word it has to be right is do you think this word is easy i do yeah you're just not thinking of a very obvious word right i don't even think you'll get the sweet catharsis of like oh right yeah you'll just be like oh yeah i should have just yeah it's like disc but not that Not that. Yeah, might as well be disc. Okay, and dices. Sure, could be dices. You can guess that and see how it does. Yeah, why not?

Just because you have. Oh, wait, no, no. I already, I crowd as a D in it. Oh, hell. This sucks ass. This absolutely sucks. You can't, it's. I think I can tell why you stopped playing wordle no wordle is a lot easier you can you know you know you don't have to do this in world because you

can see all the things you've already guessed it's really hard to keep joy slides challenge of vertal okay which is once again verbal wordle uh for turtles coins c-o-i-n-s coins keep on guessing this goddamn oh just whatever i don't care yeah now we're at the i don't i don't care flipping the monopoly board over yellow gray yellow yeah because i haven't moved any of these letters around gray yellow and now you definitely don't remember and you have one last guess you have yet to get a green because you don't deserve a green okay let's just look at my keyboard i can do that right jesus you just texted me please just let me know what it is that's so fucking pathetic all right fine oh my god um i know that it's not spice but i'm just gonna say spice spice i know it's it's yellow yellow gray yellow yellow yellow gray yeah i know that i know that what's the goddamn word the word is music it was just music i don't know what else to tell you man i'm sorry

it was and muci that's music to my ears that is music to my ears because now it's your turn you little piece of shit yeah let's see how easy this fucking game is when you play it okay all right go ahead i've got the word i guess i'll start with music just since it's on the brain okay see short circuit again gray oh gray yellow oh oh gray wow so it has a u and an i as well um let's do um fluid green green green green green yeah i almost didn't guess fluid because the eye wasn't green in the first guess when you said yellow for some reason but i thought you messed up. So I overrided what the true sense of the game was and figured that the Vertal Master would be wrong. And I was right. You were wrong. And I got it in less than a minute.

And I did get it in two. Let's promote our new Tottenham podcast. Let's close this goddamn show let's talk about the new show that we have over on patreon oh yeah the coys boys the coys boys coys boys that's right is a totally new podcast we have on our patreon that's right jake is walking me through the world of english premier league football yes yes through the world of English Premier League football. Yes. Yes. Through the lens of the Tottenham Hotspurs. Right.

But I'm not ready to commit just yet. You're not fully coised. I'm sampling other squads. No, you're pretty fully coised. You've been to a Tottenham game. The only other team you really could root for is Burnley, but they've been relegated. So it's kind of the only Premier League game that you have been to is a top game that's the only team i'm thinking i'm think i would like to see them play every squad once so i think i can put them above leicester city right however it went yeah because we did we saw them play last

year and and what did you like about the ways that the that the spurs played that game they passed really well and they had a lot of chances at goals, though they didn't actually find the back of the net more than once. So it was a 1-1 draw, which was not super exciting, but at the very least, they were attacking a lot. They weren't on the defense.

Tottenham had like 15 shots, 13 corners. It was an exciting game. Frustrating, but exciting. Anyway. It was a fine draw. Check us out if you're on a Premier League journey, because I know a lot of people are. It's over on patreon.com slash JA.

Yeah, and that's in addition to the Jake and Amir watches that we still have up there. Exactly. If this goes well, that's potentially another 38-episode podcast this year, if we cover every single one. Oh, it's like one after every match? Well, yeah, it will be. It'll have to be. Otherwise, how will you become a fan seems like a lot yeah no i didn't see the first game was yeah second game is really early on saturday 7 a.m

your time 7 a.m that's not that bad you can get up for that i've gotten up for a game at 4 30 it's really early it's way too early 4 30 why would a game start 4.30. It's really early. It's way too early, 4.30. Why would a game start that early? Well, because overseas it's starting at 9.30. Or maybe I was visiting LA at the time. Why would it start that Burnley? Nice. That's right, another team.

I'm learning. And you can too on patreon.com slash JA. Right on. And thank you guys for watching. And again, get tickets to that Philadelphia show. Sorry the New York show sold out. I don't know what to tell you guys. You snooze and lose.

The tickets went fast and fierce at NYC. So if you're halfway in between Philly and New York, you can actually see the first segment show will be Philadelphia. That should be an even more exciting show. So we'll see you there. And we'll be back next week. Goodbye for now. Ciao, everybody. That was a Hiddem Original.