Segments - 45: Cruisin' USA

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

In this episode we discuss boat travel, plane travel, and where we were the night of March 3, 2012.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations. They swear. Second. Another podcast.

Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army knife of shows. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. New York City sold out, motherfuckers yeah they said we couldn't do it they said we would never sell out little field because it's a it's a big venue it's very big

not the biggest we've ever done but it's not it's not as little as the field would suggest but the tickets are 70 tickets they are holding 70 for late release for guest list for day up so people will need to show up on the day at a door yeah but that that is as far as i'm concerned that is a marquee sell out that is our name in lights with the s-o-l-d-o-u-t right underneath over s-o-l-d-o-u-t you can't make it hot to go yeah so i can't do the date i can't do that date um i think it was what september 26th or 27th or something. No. Is it the 28th? Because I'm gone.

I am out of town, out of pocket, out of commission. I'm not going to be around in September. This is my notice. Consider this podcast my best and final, okay? It is fate accompli, and I will be a persona non grata. I won't just be the mystery guest. I'll be the mystery goner. Mystery goner, that's me.

As in, see you later. But I feel like you could do that show solo dolo uh at the end of the day you don't really need me i know i don't know i don't know what i would say or who i would talk to yeah right but maybe you do crowd work or hell i don't care i'm not even there so why am i giving you well then you won't get you won't be getting any of the money from the sales i'll get yes i will yes i will because they bought the tickets to see me based on my promotion Why am I giving you a chance? Well, then you won't be getting any of the money from the sales. Yes, I will. Yes, I will. No, you won't.

Because they bought the tickets to see me based on my promotion. Yes. I moved the units. So I'm going to get a piece. What are our agents? In kind. Our agents get a commission. Are they at the show?

No, I don't think so. No? They just help set everything up. They help move the tickets, which is what I did. So I will be getting a fat percentage of sales what about philadelphia the day before yeah i get a piece of that too and in philly i'm gonna get a piece of the merch and i might even get some of the some of the the refreshments yeah i might do like a separate side piece slash deal where i'm like selling diet coke side piece slash side of fries deal i get one dollar from every soda sold that day

keep the ticket sales i want a slice of the pie yeah every time you sell a meat pie i want half the revenue my revenue stream is a soda stream how do you like that pop some bubbles for me somebody yeah every time somebody turns a water into a soda using a jay kirkwood's branded soda stream which i will set up to the side of the bar i want nine dollars ten to the venue nine to me that's a 19 dollar purchase that's pretty good cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching and if nobody should use it i do actually need the ticket sales so there's has to be a minimum guarantee as well because i don't if i don't get my money then i'm declaring bankruptcy i am filing for bankruptcy i am not solvent i am way too in the red i am in

the crimson i crimson crimson excuse me i'm nervous about my finances i'm operating at more than a loss dry that's what i'm trying to say okay i need a bail out i need big government to step in that's my safety net yeah and i am too big to rig and way too large to fail i have mortgage bundles offered subprime these are F-rated loans. Nobody's paying me back anytime soon. Yeah. They don't have jobs. They don't have an income. No. It's a ninja loan.

I'm in the pocket of Fannie Mae. I am in the ass of Freddie Mac. And there's no bidet in sight. I'm up Schitt's Creek, and i can see he needs more than a colonoscopy it's disgusting up here yeah i'm a fissure in the ass of mac how is that fucking fair i need an enema from uncle sam to get flushed out of this shite hole. Anyway, we do need to sell a lot more tickets in Philadelphia. Philadelphia is, it's, well, you know, it's open. There's open seating.

So you buy a seat, you buy a ticket there, they will fold out a chair for you at this point, which is kind of nice. That's really nice. To anybody that's commuting from really new jersey all the way to pittsburgh right the philadelphia is now your only shot i don't know what else to tell you yeah philly it's philly or bust folks this is segments i should say an advice podcast that's right we're bringing it back rebranding the entire thing right before the live shows right which you can get tickets to where i think the url is still

i want to say it's in the show notes we said i really hope headgum.com slash live is not set up yeah it took us a while yes it is marika did her job gorgeous great job marika right on thank you marika so headgum.com slash live finally a place to buy those tickets. Maybe that'll help the Philadelphia sales. Because before there was just like, you got to Google. It's not going to happen. And we had sold three tickets in Philadelphia, I think. Yeah, two comps, and then we sold one ticket. Yeah, one ticket.

And the comps were, again, to athletes who didn't know about us and won't be showing up. They're just on our list, but that's not won't be showing they're just on our list but that's not anything just being i was also gonna i was gonna add someone to the um to the show line the description that won't be showing up oh that's good uh joelle and bead a shane victorino type right who can move units and then at the last minute is a no-show which is fine quasi legal but nobody's gonna sue or yeah we could even show like an mb'd highlight or something or have a picture yeah i'd be like he's what a funny way to troll everybody yeah that way the audience starts off angry upset and feeling feeling kind of misled to the point that the show is going to begin on a very, very, very sour note.

Speaking of feeling misled and sour notes, you have COVID. Let's talk about it. Well, it's the ending to an epic eight-day cruise adventure I had to Alaska. Okay, so... I spent the last week in Alaska, and all I got was this damn virus. No, that's actually not true. I also got this medallion. And you don't know what the medallion is because you weren't on the Princess Ruby, and you can't afford to be on the Princess Ruby because you weren't on the cruise, because you can't

have the assets to join the medallion club and this was an access granting medallion and it does have a clip that's right you can put it on yourself it's like a fob to get into your room and to pay for food yeah yes exactly so i can't afford the FAB? What is FAB? Yeah, I actually don't know what a FAB is. So this is all news to me. I thought it was a pretty unique, cool system that I was grandfathered into. You just tried to use that at a BP gas station and it was denied.

They didn't know who I was. They didn't care. They didn't see the medallion. So the medallion, all rightallion all right yeah talk to me about this from the beginning because i feel like even going even going away with all aboard yeah going away with avital's family in general seems out of character for you let alone everyone's felt let alone to alaska until i was patient zero on the starboard bow. How many times over did you ruin the cruise? On the aft.

Because it seems like you ruined it during, and now you've subsequently ruined it after. You've retroactively ruined it because now everyone is going to leave without memories, except for that you were mean to them or that you were bad. And then the only lasting thing is long COVID because you've given it to them as kind of like something to remember you by. I have a medallion and cog fog. Yeah. So I have the fob and I have the fog. What happened?

I can get into the room, but I can't remember my birthday. Don't think about the fob anymore. Just tell me everything post-fob. I don't fucking remember. The whole cruise was a blur. It was a wet, wet blur. Actually,

the cruise itself is great, and funnily enough, I've only been on one cruise in my life with my family in 1999 to Alaska. Was it the Princess Ruby? Was it the exact same cruise? No. My mom sent me some pictures, and it turns out it was like Galaxy Cruise Lines or something, a different cruise. This was the Princess Ruby. Right. It looked like a small boat. It wasn't like one of those carnival cruises. Am I right in thinking that?

You are wrong. It is enormous. It is like a carnival cruise. There was 3,000 people on board, about 1,000 of them working on the boat. Gotcha. All right. Pros and cons. Yeah, go ahead. Pros. You're on a floating hotel.

You go to sleep. You wake up. You're in Juneau. That's cool. You're at your room. You open the blinds into the balcony, and you just see the vast expanse of the Pacific Ocean. Whoa, there's a whale from my balcony. A day later, same balcony, you're seeing Skagway, a small 20,000 merchant town that we docked at this morning.

So you're moving, but it doesn't feel like you're moving at all. Yeah. So in that capacity, cruises are great because you are doing exactly that. You're cruising. Right. That's nice. That's nice. You're spending a lot of time on the commute.

Yeah, go ahead. It's the fact that it constantly feels like you're moving. So there's a wobbly, there's a to and fro, there's a vibration to the fucking engine, which makes your bed shake. Yeah. The fact that the hotel is sideways in a drifted sea is really nice visually, but actually incredibly uncomfortable sometimes when the waters get choppy and you're feeling a little nauseous to boot. It sounds like the cons far outweigh the pro. Because the pro is that you woke up in Skagway.

And the con is that you're sick all the time. The food is prepaid for all you can eat, buffet style. You wake up, everything you want lay before you. Don't want to go? Sure. Room service. Current charge? 0.00. I want fries and an omelet and a milkshake and a frozen yogurt and waffles and sushi.

Sure, coming right up. It's all paid for. Just swipe your medallion when I get there. And the con? I'm too seasick to eat any of it. I have food poisoning because they have to make enough food for 3,000 people for a week. There's no quality control. The French toast is buns that were fucking dipped in eggs and fried.

It tastes fine, but it's not great, but it's all you can eat. Nothing French about it. Until you eat too much of it. Yeah. I have no portion control. I cannot eschew. To chew chew you know what i mean yeah i'm shoveling shoveling every day i'm shoveling shoveling so i feel sick to my stomach right your hotel again has the wobble yeah it has the vibration okay uh-oh we're in juno

did you know that's the only capital in in America that you can't get to via car? Is that true? That's because it's very far. Right. Okay, cool. It's a remote, non-landlocked peninsula. So the only way to get there is via air and sea. How could you get to Hawaii?

You could drive from a different city on the island island to honolulu yeah right yeah yeah you can't get to juno you feel like i got you on the tech i was there i was there i went to the doll museum yeah and i went to mcdonald's and the big mac did cost 18 because everything has to be shipped it's like iceland everything's five times as expensive not so much for me because i got the medallion right i do have the ding you are now free to eat about this country get rid of that there's no reason to hold on to it the negative side to that is the fact that alaska is constantly cold rainy and wet which some people like i happen to not so i'm I'm constantly having to use a rain jacket, rain boots, getting wet, getting cold, a lot of boats moving in and out, a lot of nausea, a lot of bad weather.

It's not like a Florida cruise line where you could just chill by the pool. Right. When you're not in the room, where are you chilling? Another pro. The entire ecosystem is designed to keep you entertained 24-7. There's a schedule every day. 3 p.m., you want to play Pictionary here. Do you want to go to the casino and gamble? Do you want to fucking go do line dancing? Do you want to go to the gym? Do you want to go to a different restaurant?

Do you want to kayak? Do you want to do a basketball mini golf? It's just everything all in one, all on the boat. And the con to that? You're seasick the entire time? You're surrounded by strangers you don't necessarily want to hang out with. Right, but you have to play Pictionary with them. These are all elderly folks from across the country.

You're going mini golfing with those guys. And you're playing Pictionary with them. Yeah. And you're in a poker tournament with them. Right. By the way, did win the poker tournament. Thank you for asking. Nice.

How much cash person sit and go 60 buy-in 250 to first place flopped a set hit pocket tens he went all in push me with ace king high no good no good sir i do call and i will take that cash. This is Avital's dad, right? Yes. It was an inner Ash family poker tournament, and I took everyone's cash. So yeah, the entire weekend was pros and cons, highs and lows. More highs than lows, you get to see whales, you get to see seals, you get to see fish, you get to visit parts of the country you had never been to before. So it's exciting in that regard. Would you do it again? Well, the ultimate con is the fact that you probably will get sick because, you know, when you go to a wedding, you might get sick.

So imagine a wedding for every meal for a week. If you go on a flight, you might get sick. But imagine 3,000 people taking a flight and then eating every meal together for 20 meals in a row. So a lot of people during the cruise or potentially after the cruise, it seems like odds are you'll catch something or other. So I came home and I didn't feel very well. I tested and I had COVID yesterday. So I took the Paxlovidvid which made me feel temporarily worse but ultimately better for the wear will i get a rebound case tbd and that will be the ultimate deciding factor so right now we're in the low the post cruise malaise but during the cruise very fun and i'm like maybe i can become

like a cruise kind of guy because there's different kinds of cruise big big boats small boats italy australia africa right alaska hawaii these boats can go anywhere yeah but now you're not necessarily a boat guy now i'm at a low it's like you know after you drink a lot you're like i never want to drink again right but so when you were after you won after you won poker you're like i cruises are my this is great yeah, I'm winning cash. I'm having fun. I'm hanging out with the family, making some new friends, seeing parts of Alaska that I haven't seen in 25 years. Yeah.

I'm like, oh, I wonder where else cruises go. I wonder what else you can do. But right now, I'm like, okay, let me take a cruise break, see how I feel, and then reassess the cruise lifestyle going forward. Okay. So 10 out of 10, or out of 10, what do you rank a cruise? It's a fun alternative to a normal vacation. Like you can go somewhere and stay in a hotel, make your own dinner reservations and do it that way. But if you've done that a lot, you're like, oh, I've never seen Greece.

Maybe a cruise is a fun way to do that. I've never been to Madagascar. Maybe a cruise is a fun way to do that. So I'll give it a 7.5 out of 10. There was a lot of pros, a lot of joys to be had. I went on a cruise. They don't feel very good. Right. I went on a cruise when I was 10 with like as like a giant family reunion. I think there was like 50 or 100 of us. I don't really remember now. But like all of my cousins and second cousins and like even family friends and stuff.

We all went on a cruise to Bermuda. Oh, that's fun. When I was 10, it was like I loved it. Yeah, it was like this is. Just water slides. We should be going on a cruise whatever you want right it's like pizza for lunch water slides all day we're playing bingo there's like a kid's disco at night i'm dancing i'm like it's a bar mitzvah during the night and a barbecue during the day when i was a kid i just loved hotel rooms so like having my own little cabin

that i shared with i don't know who i shared maybe my sister or maybe my parents but i was like this is incredible i have a tiny little bed in a tiny room it's all mine yeah and i don't get seasick because i'm 10 yeah because i'm invincible right i can eat french fries and cheeseburgers all day i can have a cold and it doesn't really feel any different because i'm constantly sick yeah i'm 10 i'm 10 and you haven't been on one since then no that was the last that was the last time now they don't appeal to me at all um but even if they did they appeal so little to jill that it just not real i love starter yeah i love a boat if i'm on vacation i like i like to rent a boat for a day and go out and sail around and stuff but yeah and there's like excursions within the like

one day you're at sea the next day you're in fucking catch a can for an entire day and you can do a zip line you could do a whale watching you could do this that and the other so there's activities off the boat as well right on right on i'm sure you could do a surfing one you can do this that and the other so there's activities off the boat as well right on right on i'm sure you could do a surfing one you can find a themed cruise for anything yeah i bet i absolutely bet i like i like an adventure vacation that's a little bit prescribed but you know you then you also i like also a resort one where you don't have to do anything ideally this is very much so all inclusive eight to 10 weeks a year. You're describing semi-retirement. Yes. Yes.

That would be epic. You could probably do that now, but it's a little harder with a one to two-year-old. Right. Well, arguably, I should do it now because soon Gemma will be in school and then she'll- And then it'll be really hard. Right. Then it would be like kind of negligent to make her go on vacation with me. Right now, it's just she technically, you know, we're allowed to do it.

It just isn't as relaxing. Yeah, because you have to make sure the little one, one of Avital's brothers has a three-year-old. So it's like, you know, if you're on board with a three-year-old, you got to make sure the three-year-old's constantly entertained. You got to make sure the three-year-old has a jungle gym to get the energy out and is napping and is eating well. So it becomes more about the three-year-old you got to make sure the three-year-old's constantly entertained you got to make sure the three-year-old has a jungle gym to get the energy out and is napping and is eating well so it becomes more about the three-year-old for you right yeah yeah if i if we went on a cruise now it would be all about like blacking out the cabin windows um making the the room as soundproof as possible managing jim's nap schedule and i don't know although i've heard a bunch about like dads that are like what's it called like deadbeat so like yeah oh when i was three my dad couldn't

handle it and just like went off on his right right right right so like you could always do that where it's like i'm outie 5000 for now yeah but maybe there's a world when i come back in three years and i'm like oh when's jemma's birthday i got her a soccer ball right she's like she doesn't really like soccer you're like what since when wait and she's like super successful and i come back into her life and i'm like i'm so proud of you can i be your manager i've been i wrote you a letter every day for a year, and then I let your mom write them. Give it to you. Yeah.

I think your mom iced me out. Look at all these letters. Conceptioned me. Yes, they all look suspiciously like AI, but the dates, look at all of the dates. And they are all printed onto two sheets of paper over and over. So you can't really tell what they say. It just looks like a lot of jumbled characters all in one really densely packed sheet of paper. Can I have 10% of your net worth, daughter? Moving forward.

She's only nine at this point, so it's not that much money. Right. Okay. That was the cruise breakdown. Pros and cons. I'll let people make their own decision for themselves. I'm out. I can't convince you.

Although, if you're looking to board the Princess Ruby, I was able to get a timeshare. So let me know. Email me. And I think I can Airbnb my cabin to you at cost slash profit. The only con is my great uncle died of COVID in the room. Yes. And he's sort of wedged in there for now, but it's a two bedroom. You know, like those bodies frozen on Mount Everest.

It's just kind of going to be there. But feel better. And I know you will. Yeah. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments, and we want

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Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out.

But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters. Yeah, visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think.

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So again, you go to squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Funny.

All right, we're back um yo yo yo starting to fade pretty badly for sure for sure for sure for sure like this kind of a light one intellectually yeah fog is setting in i don't fully remember who you are right at this point or what we're doing we're having some sort of meeting or like a zoom fatigue scanning your fob on me just trying to get in my room i just need french toast because i i got the fish and chips in i feel like they should have these for full cities like imagine if i just walked into a starbucks they already know who i am and what i want i'm not ordering because i have this and they scan it as soon as i am and what i want i'm not ordering because i have this and they scan it as soon as i walk in yeah i don't know something to think about it sounds sort of dystopian but nice at the same time it does sound nice but at the end of the day what's

going to happen is what's already happening where every single menu now kind of makes the grain bowl and it's all the same mushy chicken farro leafy lettuce but now i don't have to order it cost 24 dollars yeah they see me driving there right the fob on the highway it's like you can get that with a mediterranean twist with a mexican twist with just like mediterranean for me and it's just like every single store. And the fob will have my preferences. Just salad, chipotle, dig, sweet green. They are all the same. I think all of the salads and all of the bowls are being made

in a warehouse and they're just distributing them to the different places. And that is the future of food. We'll walk in, you'll have your mush bowl. So it won't be that fun. Okay, here's my game notes. There's some light detective work.

So hopefully your brain fog is all right. I need you to think of a date. Any date in the world. This is not the hard part yet. Any date. March 3rd. Okay, great. March 3rd.

Give me a year between. 1998. No, no, no. date march 3rd okay great march 3rd give me a year between 1998 no no it's got to be post 2000 post 2009 2012 march 3rd 2012 2000 yeah 2009 wait 2012 all right 2012 march 2000 you have covid too we should say for sure yeah you're so sick that i got it from the zoom all right march 3rd 2012 now the game that since you've given the date we have to figure out where we were okay march 3rd 2012 yeah living in new york i mean that's got to be our best bet unless we were visiting someplace together yeah and you know the answer to this? No, you just told it to me.

I'm with you. We're going to try to zero in on our exact whereabouts on March 3rd, 2012. Okay. Well, I can't remember when the live shows were, but there's a chance we were in the Midwest or something like that. I don't want to say there's no chance. Put me in March 3rd, 2012. I was 29. I actually might have been living in Los Angeles.

You're in LA, I'm in New York? I think so, because didn't I move back the summer of 2012? I think I did. Okay, so there's a chance you're visiting New York or I'm visiting LA and we're shooting something there. Yeah. We will never find out the answer. Sure we will.

How can we possibly know? Well, I'm going to do some detective work. I'm going to search emails from March 3rd, 2012. Dearest mother, I hope this email finds you well. I'm writing to you from denver colorado where tonight we will be doing a live show all right i'm i can actually sort this by within one day of uh-huh march 3rd 2012 okay yeah yeah do you not like this game i have to a lot of a lot of smut jesus christ so i think i was jerking off password reset password reset password reset shit shit shit how am i locked out of my premium account insane no do not call that phone number please oh yeah here's a g chat of me on customer support

okay actually here we are march 3rd interesting it was a saturday wow come on that is interesting um and then what so the chances of us traveling are higher yeah it was march 3rd, 2012. Okay. Okay. Okay. Now we're talking. Okay. I have an email. We're getting closer. Yeah. This is funny.

It's an email from you. From you to Sam Reich. On March 3rd, 2012. Yo, Sam, we're getting a lot of negative feedback. I feel like I'm lot of negative feedback about the one a week thing on jakeandamir.com, parentheses, as expected. We were hoping to be able to give our fans a reason so they don't all think we're lazy and stupid like they've been calling us. We wrote a post that we'd like to put up on our site, but we didn't want to piss off Paul. Do you think this is kosher?

So we were asked to go from two videos a week to one. Yeah. So this is actually- As a money-saving thing. This is around a very pivotal time in our lives because when we went, we went from two videos to one as a way for them to slash our salary in half and help me hurt you yeah they're like um all right so i guess the videos were like they had made up enough like video traffic with other videos and they're like you guys are gonna just do one a week now and we're like oh okay um and they're like as such since you were doing one video instead of two your salary is halved and we're like is our salary so directly tied

to our video output because we also yes we were writing originals we were um like contributing in other ways and also like that's right even one video a week was like making some amount of income for college humor that it shouldn't just completely be halved um so physically we're in new york emotionally we were despondent and scared that our role at college humor was becoming thinned out which probably led us indirectly to start a podcast, which indirectly led us to start a podcast network. So all's well that ends well style. You can look at it as College Humor's loss became our gain in the long run.

Right, exactly. Because we had no control over our web series at College Humor, we decided to do something that we had no control over our web series at CollegeHumor, we decided to do something that we had more control over. Here's the post that we asked if we could post online. And Sam – Ultimately got denied. It seemed like Sam was pro and he said that it was going to upset Paul. And we didn't do it.

So he said, we just want to let – this is the post that you were going to write. We just want to let you guys know. Which is blaming somebody else. That like you, we are sad to be releasing one video a week. We love making Jake in the mirror and we love our fans even more. It is not fun to feel like we're letting you down. Unfortunately, college humor is a business. And right now they feel like the best business move is to cut back on our release schedule. We're doing our best with our limited options we will post outtakes behind the scenes contest and bonus videos on thursdays and of course we will continue doing live shows and hopefully come to your area soon which seems pretty innocuous it was college humor's decision and not ours but they didn't want to be the i'm getting retroactively pissed off

it's all right we're gonna this business decision you guys are making one video a week your salary I'm getting retroactively pissed off. It's so, all right, we're going to, this business decision, you guys are making one video a week. Your salary is halves. Your fans are mad at you. We really don't want you to post and let them know that it was on call.

Unfortunately. It's like the Democrats saying Joe Biden, you got to drop out and let everyone know it was your decision. And also you endorse us now. He's like, all right, I'll do that. So it's college humor saying, Joe Biden, you got to drop out and let everyone know it was your decision. And also, you endorse us now. He's like, all right, I'll do that. So it's college humor saying, you guys go down to one a week. Don't tell anyone it was our idea. They blame you. And you have to sort of take it like a man. Oh, my God. And I guess we didn't post it. Yeah, no, we didn't post it. And we we it looks like the solution was to respond to people who were upset individually. Yeah. And I guess to 15 years later, tell everyone the truth.

Yeah. Now we make one video every month or two, and it's our decision. We have no one to hide behind. We have to sort of, we're the ones slicing our salary. We're the ones slicing our output. We're the ones slicing our output. There's no post to be made. There's no blog. There's no website to get our word out edgewise.

We have social media and that's it. If you don't follow me on Instagram or Twitter, you'll never hear from me again. There's no newsletter. Yeah. And it looks like I was living in LA at this time because I had another email of thanks for getting me a drink to an agent named Cameron. So. Cameron. Yeah, your old agent too.

That's a good one. So, yeah. We met up at Barney's Beanery on March. That's awesome. On March 2nd, I think, on Friday. So. You know, Barney's is having a resurgence due to TikTok. Oh, really?

Why? People are like, this is the best place to watch sports. I guess it's like a fun place to be. Yeah. That's nice. That's nice. Unrelated to that, I watched Grease on the airplane. Barney's Beanery was in the movie Grease.

So I guess Barney's Beanery has been around for a really, really long time. Wow. Had a resurgence, died multiple times, and now it's back. Incredible. Okay. But here's my question for you. It's not wherever you on March 3rd, 2012.

Okay, because I know. It's, this is the predicament I was found with slash stuck with on the airplane to Alaska. Avital window seat, me middle seat stranger aisle i have to piss stranger is asleep do you wake up do you climb over risking the fact that he'll wake up and if so do you go foot on his handlebar or fully straddle this person? And if you straddle, do you go ass or dick up to his nose? Right.

So a lot of options there. I've been in this situation many times because I do have the sleeper and as the pisser. No, I'm always the pisser. I have a small bladder. I need to piss all the time. And I also have piss anxiety. And as the pisser? an emergency because i'm like i'm thinking how can i piss when will i be able to piss um yeah i also have pretty good hip mobility so i can raise my leg pretty high and do a full turn of my foot i am going standing up dick to stranger and i'm stepping over fully straddle yeah and i've done this many times to great success do you do you put your hands on his chair on the chair behind you i put my hands directly on his on his face pushing him oh and then i i start my fingers up his nostril for balance i'm sort of gyrating

as he wakes up to see me like that um no i think you can it's either i can put my hand one hand on the bulkhead across the uh or i can go climbing yeah or i can go back yeah maybe that's the other uh place where i get the skill i can hold on to a back of the seat um oh yeah maybe it's like the back of my own seat step and stepping out what did you do step through so i i was gonna wake him up and he looked so passed out like i could probably just climb over him but like i didn't know if i climbed all the way over him and put my foot in the aisle if my like grundle would touch his knees so i put my foot on his outside handle the one that's yeah that's his armrest that's in the aisle yeah that's really yeah because his hand wasn't on it

yeah he and then i did like a turn and i landed in the aisle and he didn't wake up wow then on my way back i'm like i can't because his hand was on the other armrest i'm like now now i feel like i gotta wake him up because if i do it going this way but he's gonna be so confused like how did this happen yeah yeah and he might be mad i think it's a higher risk higher reward play because it's like in a best case scenario he doesn't know that you left and in the worst case i step on him or fall on him while he's asleep and it's in a very sexually suggestive manner it's like i'm giving him a lap dance and i don't know if it's. And it's in a very sexually suggestive manner. It's like I'm giving him a lap dance.

And I don't know if it's worse if it's a lady or a man, old or young, but he was a roughly my age kind of guy. Yeah. I think it's easier if it's a guy for me. But I think it's pretty innocuous. If you disturb him, you're like, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to wake you up. And yeah, I have to respect that. The normal average way to do it is by tapping and saying, excuse me, like, I don't think unless you're an able bodied guy, you're doing the full straddle. I don't like to be expected to me i don't think either way would or should upset anybody that much because like you're you're trying to be very considerate so yeah if you get it wrong and

also some people would probably have preferences like i think i would probably i'm probably fine to be climbed over if i'm asleep i i would prefer that to be like woken up because if somebody wakes me up then i have to move i'm i'm like disturbed for my slumber he did the pivot out like the knees into the aisle but he's still sitting like that was the way he if he did that then he's like then i think that's a signal that he was very pro you climbing yeah and then I still climbed over him. I'm like, you know what? If you're just going to half-ass this, here we go. And I did the full handle-to-handle straddle. Yeah. And then I did the grind.

The gyration. Oh, turbulence. The magic money. And then I turned around. Yeah. And I did the wrestling finishing move. Right on. Whatever that guy's name is.

The sumo wrestler that sort of puts your face. Oh, yeah, that sits on people's face. His face in your ass. Yeah. But he was totally fine with it. Great guy. Yeah. We ended up exchanging numbers, and we went Dutch on this fob that I got, which gives me access to future princess movies.

You were bragging about how I couldn't afford it, and you had to split it with somebody. Me and Daryl, yes, did go Dutch. You couldn't afford it on your own either. Because it's a very expensive cabin. It is a nice balcony outwardly facing cabin. And it is on the port side of the ship. And I was able to see Skagway, and I was able to vomit in Juno.

And a life raft did land on my head and really, really hurt me, ironically. But ultimately, Daryl and I are in it for the long haul. Thanks to the fob. Thanks to the medallion. Thanks to you guys. Yeah. All right, let's take one more break. Come back with the last segment.

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Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings and we're back um really really fading now as the pax livid course sort of wanes its efficacy you need to pass so we kind of have to wrap this up right but you said you wanted to ask me three really deep questions instead yes this is a segment that i'm calling three deep questions from chat gpt what more to examine the human condition do we need then chat gpt so okay i asked ai for uh three deep questions um yeah and this is the depth according to an algorithm right exactly so these are i think the first one's pretty you know basically deep what does it mean to live a meaningful life and how do you define

purpose in a world where values and beliefs vary so widely? It's like, yeah, it's not that deep. It's actually a little bit trite because it's kind of like, what's... Meaning, yeah, what is all this for? What's the meaning of life? Is there a meaning to life? I was hoping it would be like, what's 12 times 9 or something like that. No, it's definitely trying to find deep questions.

But this basically said, what's the meaning of life? And is it complicated because the world is so big? And do you have an answer? I think it's pretty easy, frankly. I mean, it's ultimately to leave the world in a better place than you came here. And you create more positive value than negative to spark joy in yourself and happiness and those around you to create you know positive outcomes to the friends and strangers that you make and meet along the way i thought it was stuff like that to get uh to get cash and

get sex so well the other yeah the other one is to get cash get pussy right if you can't do either get the fuck out of the way because i want both in spades yeah yeah um how do our memories shape our identity and to what extent are we the sum of our past experiences versus the potential of our future selves yeah so this is more like about free will. Whether or not we're just like that. Things we're going to do is just almost like a chat GPT. Can be defined by what we've already experienced. How much am I just what I have had growing up.

And for me it's like the cash that I already earned is not enough. The play I've already got ain't been there, but need to do more of that. Do you know what I'm saying? Like it's I can't just come once and be done. I think I don't want to say what I just said. I don't want to say what I thought. I really don't want to say what I thought. Is true free will an illusion given the influence of genetics, environment, and societal norms on our decisions?

Or do we have the power to transcend these forces? I don't understand the question, ChatGPT. How's that for you? You stumped the human. Does not compute, yeah. Yes, absolutely. Let me see, yeah. What do you mean by that third question?

Yeah, it's mostly just that never mind leave me alone you either get it or you don't it gave it basically gave me way too much of an answer so we're not gonna even go into it well actually how about this for a question i've actually discussed with avital and her friends yeah how much of your success is luck and how much of it is skill. So you look at a successful anything, actor, doctor, writer, artist, philanthropist, and you say, all right, you're successful. To what percentage do you attribute that to luck and to what skill? I mean, it has to be,

God, it's gotta be such a huge portion of luck if you're thinking of like, how lucky are you to be born a human in conditions where you could survive and thrive and that's right have all the yeah if you if you zoom all the way out but if you're talking about just born as a white guy right i'm already i'm already growing up in hampton if you're like the starting from here luck or something yeah the one in a billion it took for me to be a white guy in connecticut yeah how much luck is everybody in my lineage survived um yeah plagues hunter

gathering war all that stuff for me to get here um that was a lot of luck for me and i guess now i think it's mostly luck but it's like the um there's like the kind of like the instinct and the ability to capitalize when you see something breaking your way i think that that's something i was good at yeah so you go mostly but not yeah 75% 25. Yeah, that's what I would break too. But I've heard some arguments that it's 100% luck. We don't have, regardless of your skill, you look at some people wildly successful, not skillful at all. Some people struggling, can't do anything. They're the most skillful people of all time.

Whether or not you're successful is entirely due to just the luck of it all. But I would argue that it's actually an ability to recognize luck because i don't think that some people are just lucky all the time i just think that some people are able to like spot an opportunity and go for it so like there's yeah there's an ability baked into being lucky is what i think right there's like a famous uh basketball i think it's john wooden quote that luck is the residue of design like you create your own luck by putting yourself in a position to be lucky yeah a lot of people put themselves in a position to be lucky but not necessarily on purpose and can't necessarily create success out of it and sometimes it's

lucky to be in a position of being lucky in the first place. Yeah. And sometimes you're just a viral celeb and you make the most of it because somebody happened to get you on camera doing something interesting and now you're doing a lot of good work with the attention that you got at that moment in time. So it seems like it might, okay, I'll go up to 85 luck 15 skill but you gotta have some skill right yeah because otherwise there's nothing you just wouldn't be able to do anything with your luck so yeah i think there's there's a little bit of skill maybe not like fine skill

i think you can have rough skill rough skill and luck skill and luck is really all that it takes. I mean, even Jake Paul is pretty good at boxing. Yeah. He's kind of the benchmark. He's 80-20, I think. And even he's kind of jacked and works out a lot. That's not nothing. Yeah.

I mean, that skill, willpower is kind of a skill. Willpower is skill power. That's awesome nothing. Yeah. I mean, that's skill. Willpower is kind of a skill. Willpower is skill power. That's awesome. All right. We'll end on a deep note. Yeah. And let me know about the Venmoing me for the cruise thing. I really think you might think it.

I think you might dig it. Yeah. I think you might think it's pretty neat to give me 10 grand. Maybe, yeah. You can take a cruise. I mean, you already split that with Daryl. So it's kind of, it feels like you're cutting him out. You went Dutch and then you're asking me to go double Dutch essentially.

But you're actually making your netting profit, which just feels fucked up. I want the cake and to eat it too. I want the skim and I want the juice. I want to have had cake yeah yes i want six of one and a half dozen of the other and there's a world where i fucking take the cruise ship down you know that in 2017 one of these huge main liners went down in italy and a lot of people died right right? Yes, 16 people died. The captain was arrested for manslaughter. Jesus.

I looked into it. I looked into it. I tried to make a citizen's arrest on Ruby to no avail. The Princess Ruby Jade. Actually, Lonely and Horny can be entirely, season three could be entirely set on a cruise. There's so many characters i would kill it just throws you into it different experiences of you interacting with people you

would never ever interact with before god i would love that just pictionary alone would be a great episode yeah we could do it as a podcast or something because shooting on a cruise seems pretty expensive actually yeah podcast actually would work You just put in some like C sounds, the sound of a seal and you're there. You're transported. Yeah. Yeah, we could do it all Foley style. With Dave Foley style.

Okay, tickets available again to our show in Philadelphia at headgum.com slash live. That's right. And I guess there's a wait list for the New York show that might become available soon enough. So if you want to go see that show, there might be a way for you to attend, even though the website currently says sold out. And then for more of us, you can check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash J-A. If I said anything mildly weird or offensive this episode, my lawyer says to tell you guys it's because I'm permanently insane.

And I am incapable of producing any rational thought going forward and i kind of get sucked into the vortex sometimes so that disclaimer actually includes me and my own correct yeah absolutely um but we'll see y'all next week maybe in alaska maybe if you want to join me in Darrell and some sort of three way it'll probably be here of course bye everybody that was a Hiddem Original