Segments - 5: Seize the Cheese

Episode Date: June 3, 2013

In this episode we discuss cool dads, nerdy friends, and foul balls. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts,

including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast

before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in.

Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. If I were you, if I were you, this show starts now. Fake and lame.

Wow, you dick. That was my sister. Welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. That's right. And that intro song was written by jake's sister one of my sisters rachel thank you very much frecci now there's

three of you left i expect three more songs in our inbox by the end of the night one for my brother too yeah at least four more one from every sibling in your family and two from each parent yeah that's fair your brother did the artwork for show, and my family hasn't contributed jack shit. Thanks for the support. Yeah, sure, you've listened to it, but what else? Sure, you listened to it and then raised me, Mom and Dad. But what else? But what else is how you should start every morning?

You wake up and go downstairs. If you're ages 1 through 18, go downstairs every morning and say well what else thanks for the shelter and life you've provided but what else do i deserve nothing else breakfast great that'll do you should always be asking what your parents can do for you not what you can do for your parents we're like a bad jK. JFK was a bad JFK. Thank you. Sorry.

You want to apologize for your voice? Yes, I'm apologizing for my JFK joke and for my voice. Two apologies within the first 98 seconds of this podcast. I have a cold, so I apologize, but the real person who should be apologizing is you, who gave me this cold. You listener. You shitty listener. You gave him a a cold how did you even do that uh so the name of the game is if i were you we get emails real emails from real people to our gmail account and it's if i were you show at gmail.com

we sift through every single one we read them all they're all great in their own unique way and we answer the ones that we think we can provide the best advice for in a humorous way. That's correct. The emails have been great. We get like 50 to 100 a day. We're overwhelmed with how awesome and a lot of them are just compliments saying, great job on the podcast. Yeah. I don't think a single question has started out with, hey, shitty podcast. Now here's a problem that I have. Because those people stop listening to the podcast before we get to the email. That's right. That's the beauty of a podcast.

The terrible people don't listen to it. Oh, that's cool. Well, they're not terrible for not liking our podcast. Right. What does that mean? Hey, guys. Welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet that you suck if you don't listen to. Don't worry.

If you're not listening to it, you will never hear these insults. And if you are listening, then you don't. We like you. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. All right, let's get to the questions. It's only a half hour. We've got to get through as many as we can. Yeah, rapid fire.

This is the lightning round. We're got to get through as many as we can. Yeah, rapid fire. This is the lightning round. We're going to answer 30 questions in 30 seconds. Can you imagine? God, that's way too fast. Here we go. Wow, and that's it. And time. All right.

This one is from Lucille. Fake name to preserve your anonymity. That's correct. Lucille says, Ier, in quotation marks i don't want to seem obsessed with being cool yeah the subject of this email was help me help me help me help me i swear to god a nerd touched me the other week and i'm really starting to freak out that it's like, I don't know if it's contagious or some shit. This is so funny. You're like

the character that changes in one of those teen movies. Yeah, but this is before you've become a good person. Right. Yeah. So what we're saying is you're a bad person. You're the terrible person that doesn't listen to our podcast. My friends who have been there for me throughout high school don't mean shit to me anymore.

They keep trying to be nice to me, but this other group of people who has ignored me my whole life now sort of accepts me, so I want to ditch my old friends. Ditch the losers and hang out with the something that rhymes with losers. Doozers. Yeah. Moozers. The drug doozers. Cruisers. Ditch the losers and hang out with the cruisers

Yeah that's not really nice of you Lucille Yeah how dare you Our advice is how dare you Hang out with your nerdy friends And your cool friends Because you know what There's not much of a difference

The nerdy ones will become cool over time It's true Hang out with whoever makes you happy And then you're gonna feel like a real B Hey dude She's like 15 years old You're calling her a B It's true. Hang out with whoever makes you happy. And then you're going to feel like a real B. Hey, dude. She's like 15 years old.

You're calling her a B. And then you're going to feel like a real B for ditching your nerdy friends when they become cool. And then you're going to come crawling back to them because the cool friends will have OD'd on some sort of drug. And you'll be like, oh, my God. I had no idea you guys were the cool ones all the whole time. Please let me back in your group. And the nerdy ones will be like, yeah, we will let you back in your group because we preach acceptance. Wow.

Oh, and so if they're going to let her back in, then hey, whatever. Shit. Yeah. Hang out with the cool kids. Ditch your nerdy. If you've seen every single teenage movie ever, you can alienate your friends for now. Be cool. Ride that wave and then grow.

Come back to your old friends and they'll'll accept you. In 90 minutes or less. All right, wait. So real quick, what was the advice that we're giving here? I think it's don't ditch your nerdy friends. Right. Yeah, yeah. Don't ditch your nerdy friends. Be who you are.

Try to hang out with both groups. If one of those groups doesn't accept you for that, then they are not the cool group. But what if who she is is not liking the quote unquote nerdy group? What if she is a cool girl? Yeah, I mean, I guess if you genuinely just don't like these people, if you have a bad time when you're with them, what do you do? Just stop hanging out with them. Decline their invitations.

Don't decline it just to hang out with the cool group. Right. If you actually want to hang out with them, you should lucille you gotta do you that's your advice for every person do you son do you yo do you yo do you yeah well i am we haven't even read the question you should call the podcast yo do you i'm just gonna respond to every i can answer every single email just say yo do you that's the auto response yeah to you that's the new yolo i think i'm gonna sit like that's the motto y'all do you bad really all right next question this one's from george michael on the bus to university the other day i was talking about how much I wanted to slam this girl, only to find out that she was sitting two rows behind me and well within earshot

and was disgusted by what she heard me said. How should I go about rectifying the situation so we can still hopefully get down and dirty one day in the near future? Jake, how do I go about this? Did you notice that he didn't ask your advice? Yeah, he knows that i can't answer this or don't care to he's going straight to the source well i love it because he's this guy's such a pervert that he like blew it with this girl so hard like should feel mortified he's like oh man yeah she heard me like saying all this disgusting shit about her how do i rectify

this so i can still fuck the shit out of her. Yeah, how does one rebound from this? You know, I think there's a chance that she was actually into it. I mean, if you're like a desirable guy and she heard you saying like all these, like, I want to slam her, like maybe she's into that and she's just plain disgusted. Oh, so it's sort of like a game. game yeah i think there's the only thing you can do is just own up that you said it and be like i'm i unfortunately uh i'm sorry that you heard it but it doesn't change the way i feel i do want to get down and dirty with you maybe don't say down and dirty because even that made me cringe a little just choose one and go with it say you want to get down or dirty with her hey i'd like to get dirty with you i'd like to get down and or dirty. Please choose one. Oh, yo do you.

This is like when someone steals your phone and writes something super confident to a girl you have a crush on. And then at first you'd be like, no, what are you doing? But then it's like, oh, you know what? I wouldn't have the courage to do this myself. Maybe this is cool. Maybe this opens up like a box of opportunity that I wouldn't be able to access otherwise. Yeah, you should sort of be thankful that she heard it because otherwise you never would have gone up to her and be like, hey, I want to do bad things to you. I want to slam you.

I would like to slam you. You should also change your language if you're like talking on a bus. Be a little more discreet. Yeah, try not saying slam. Yeah, I feel like the advice I should be giving is how to conduct yourself on public transportation. More than anything else. And you know what? For this one, don't do you.

Don't do you because other people are trying to do them on the bus. They do them. You do you. You're getting in the way of them. That's the problem here. You do you. Tell it interferes with them. Yeah.

I know he didn't ask for my advice, but generally I would say. And that's why you're not going to give it, buddy. Exactly right. Okay. Thank you. And that's why I was about to stop. And now moving on then. Yes.

Moving on. Absolutely. Next question comes from who? Next question comes from who? Comes from. Okay. Sorry. Huh?

Now I'm all like pissed. Oh my God. Pissed. Pissed. You're crying. That's not pissed. Sorry. Huh? Now I'm all like pissed. Oh my God. Pissed. Pissed. You're crying. That's not pissed. Sad. Sad is the word you're looking for.

I'm a sad dad or something. I apologize. Give the advice that you were going to give. I guess the advice is she's either... You can't come back from it if she doesn't like it. So at this point, she's either down with it or she's not. Right. So you either have to go full in, 100% full throttle.

You're that guy who says that he wants to slam people. You can't, like, at this point do an about face 180 degrees and be like, nah, baby, that's not what I meant. That's not me. I would like to cook for you. I'd like to buy you a grand slam from Denny's more than anything else. That's what I meant. So that's our advice. That is. Question the third. Question the third. So that's our advice. Question the third.

Question the third. This one's pretty good. This one's from Tobias. Tobias. Hey, guys. I'm really excited to get my first car, and my dad can't wait to help me and advise me on one. He always talks about going to a car auction to get my first car and is clearly excited about it. However, I don't feel as if he has a great knowledge on cars,

and I don't want to risk getting a terrible car that keeps breaking, but I also don't want to hurt his feelings. Do I go with him and spend money on a potentially bad car, or go with someone else, such as my best friend's dad, who is a professional mechanic behind his back? That is that dad's worst nightmare. Yeah, holy shit. We're going to forward this to your dad.

Just talk about it. Nothing would break a dad's heart more. A dad who's been looking forward to going to a car auction with his firstborn son to buy him a car, and you come home with dangling keys. Hey, dad, guess what? with uh mikey's dad instead you know he's sort of like right it's not even like you went by yourself you went with another dad a better dad dad 2.0 actually i really like other dad is there a chance uh i think i'm just gonna call him dad and dad i'm gonna call you roger it's extra insulting because his name is dennis you know i i just really i don't know i really get along with other dad more than you yeah actually mom's gonna start dating other dad

he's a cool mechanic he knows what is he knows what he's doing i'm gonna start calling you uncle roger because that's how close you are to me. That is, yeah, shit. Your dad is like also, like, it's just insulting for a guy to be told they don't know anything about cars, too. Let alone the dad thing. It's just like, hey, man, no, you suck at cars. My best friend's dad is a professional mechanic. That's so sad for the current dad. I mean, I don't know anything about cars. My best friend's dad is a professional mechanic. That's so sad for the current

dad. I mean, I don't know anything about cars. My son's best friend's dad might definitely know more about cars than me. I don't think I would be insulted that he went with another dad to get a car, though. Yeah, but that's you. Well, because you don't care about cars anyway. This guy's

like... The fact that he even knows that car auctions exist. Right. He's like, let's go to a car auction. I've never heard of a This guy's like, this guy's like, the fact that he even knows that car actions, car auctions exist. Right. He's like, let's go to a car auction. I've never heard of a kid that's like,

parents are going to buy him a car and then he's like, but I don't want my dad to buy me a car. I want this other dad to like choose the car. You ingrate. You're getting a car.

What is a car auction? What's the deal there? I think I, well, the, the ones that I've heard of are like, um, cars, you know, taken away from people or like used in crimes or something like impounded cars and stuff like that. Cars that people can't keep their payments up on. The police take them and then sell them at an auction for like a significantly lower price.

Oh, I guess I'd do that. Why doesn't everybody do that? I think because there's a chance Why doesn't everybody do that? I think because... There's a chance there was a murder in that car. People just don't know about it, I think. Also, there's a chance that I have no idea what car options are. And that is a police seizure option. So yeah, just like every piece of advice we give,

take any information I give with a grain of salt. Because there's a more than 50% chance it was complete bullshit. Hey, I learned this on a podcast. The host did give a disclaimer that he was a moron and never knew what he was talking about. Did he just walk into a police station? One car, please.

I'm here with my best friend's dad. You're somehow getting arrested already. Oh, God. They confessed to the murder in the Buick. They take your car. No. Sell it to this kid and his Buick. They take your car. No. Sell it to this kid and his best friend's dad. That is so rude.

I want to go with another dad. That's like a dad being like, hey, son, I want to teach you to throw a baseball. Like, no, your arm, you throw like a sissy. I'm going to learn from Ryan's dad. Ryan's dad is Nolan Ryan. He named his kid Ryan. Ryan Ryan. What makes you think that that other dad even wants to go with you?

He has his own son. His own son has an amazing car. We still haven't given him advice yet. We're just chastising you for taking your dad for granted. You know, I'm really surprised that people keep emailing the show because what we do, you know, half the time is just make fun of them. Right, we just reduce you to rubble then sometimes forget to even give advice.

But we really do appreciate it. And that email again is ifireyoushowatgmail.com. Yes. So if you want to get insulted, Yeah, yeah. Email us in. Write a really dumb question or a question you think is valid,

and we'll find the flaws in it. You don't have to worry about that. You can also go to ifireyoushow.com to listen to all the podcasts and see the email address and all that information over there. Cool. So did we give this kid advice? Go with your dad? Yeah.

Well, I guess if you're very concerned, maybe you could suggest going with your friend and his dad also. Maybe your friend's dad can impart some knowledge on your dad. But I wouldn't cut your dad out of the process altogether, especially because I highly doubt you're paying for the car yourself. Let your dad be involved. This is a big moment. It's a big moment in his life just as it is a big moment in his life just as it is like a big moment in your life i imagine like the kid like hey dad you can come along with us and then like the cool dad the son and the son's

friend are driving in like a really nice 57 buick whatever the fuck like a porsche boxer there's only there's only enough room for three hey why don't you go get us some nachos which they have at the police auction for some reason you can come into into your Kia Sorento, and when you get there, get us nachos that were seized in a movie theater. Why do you wait for us out in the parking lot? And then the other dad, cool dad, doesn't have enough money for any of the cars, so loser dad has to buy the other son a car as well. Oh, man, thanks, Glenn. You're a real sport. Well, shucks. I didn't know I was going to be buying two cars.

Golly, hey, I can always get another job or something. Yeah, that sounds great, buddy. Pretty cool, right, son? Two cars from your old man. Shut up, Dad! You're embarrassing me in front of Uncle Tony. Uncle Tony, you're the best. As he takes a check from regular Dad.

Poor Glenn. All the car show models are hanging on Uncle Tony, too. Whoa, who's the guy that bought two cars? Well, technically, I bought... Shut up, loser! Yes, sir, absolutely. I'll be in the car. Oh, man.

Was there a sandwich that was seized in the last week? Get out of here. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I will, I will. Get out of here, Glenn. I'm really, really hungry. You have to go away now. In fact, Trish over here kind of wants a car herself.

Oh, golly, I don't know. Sheila's sort of a... Let me... Oh, Sheila's with me now. You don't have to worry about Sheila. Okay, very good. Yes, absolutely. Holy mackerel.

Oh, yep. He's putting me in a noogie. He is putting me in a headlock. Someone's dunking my head in the hot nacho cheese. Stop it. Why was this seized? What sort of terrible crime took place that they had to seize the cheese? That's another mug that we're making.

Seize the cheese. Seize the cheese and you do you. You can also go to SeizeTheCheese.com to see our website. I would love to check if that domain's available right now. Should I check it right now? Seize the cheese. What are the odds that it's available? I think zero.

25%? There's no way. Really? No way? It is a rhyme. I think there's no that it's available? I think zero. 25%? There's no way. Really? No way? It is a rhyme. I think there's no way it's available. Well, the thing is, we're recording this on Friday and uploading it on Monday, so we have an entire weekend to get through it.

Right. To buy this domain. SeizeThe.com is taken. Of course. Day, obviously. Seize the cheese. SeizeTheCheese.com is available. Holy shit.

You guys, if you're listening, go to Seizethecheese.com right now. Because we bought it and we're forwarding it to our website. We have no idea what we're going to do with Seizethecheese.com, but we do own it. By the time you're listening to this, we own it and we're going to do something insane, like forward it to our other website Yeah like a URL forwarding or something crazy Yeah dude shoot We're gonna have Glenn pay for it

It forwards to Cool Dad's porn site Cool Dad's so cool That he has his own porn site It's just him sitting Indian style Jerking off With those two kids Holy shit it's kiddie porn Cool Dad was never cool at all.

He was some sort of molester from the get-go. Seize this Porsche. Seize this Porsche. What do you think SeizeThePorsche.com is available? Seize the cheese, Seize the Porsche. SeizeThePorsche.com is definitely still available for you guys. Seize the cheese. I can envision myself buying that in the next two days.

All right. Yeah. Solid answer. Go us. can envision myself buying that in the next two days all right um yeah yeah solid answer go us that was our longest answer to date close to nine minutes wow you want to take a breather do you have to clear your throat you have to take a sip of water jesus i well i've been sipping water um i have to i don't know there's nothing i need to chop my nose off and just like empty my brain into a bowl and put it back on yeah whenever i have a cold i always wonder like if you just if i died and then he sliced my face open and like opened my face like the top of a cookie jar how much snot would yeah everywhere like where does it come from because i blow it so much yeah and then it's just like no instantly more more more

like my body doesn't produce anything as fast as it produces snot when i'm sick yeah i wish it did i wish it produced muscle like this dude yeah you're kidding me just like have like pecs that's just like pure mucopolysaccharide racks dude jack stacks putting up i'm jack stacked and i'm putting up racks? You think anyone said that not making fun of someone who said that? I wonder. I really hope. You know, a few months ago I said, remember, were you there when I said Hugh Jackman? Has anybody ever called him Huge Jacked Man?

Yeah, yeah. No, I was not there. Well, Hugh Jackman, I was like, has anybody ever called him Hugh Jacked Man as a nickname? And I Googled it. Turns out, yes. So I have no idea why I told that story. Let's just answer the next question. All right.

This one is from Buster. Buster. Fake name, real email. It has been a long, lifelong goal of mine to catch a foul ball at a baseball game. I was at a baseball game recently with my girlfriend and we were sitting on the third baseline. It was the top of the fourth and I hear a crack of the bat. All of a sudden, the ball is coming right for us. I brought my glove to the park that day. I reached up and I caught it. Here's where it starts to get tricky. I love this guy's writing. I showed it to my girlfriend and she told me to

give it to the kid who was sitting next to me. I tell her, no, this is mine. I've been waiting 23 years for this moment. The kid heard her say that I should give the ball to him. And now he's staring at me. I still decline after an argument. I reluctantly give the kid the ball. The girl, my girlfriend is still pissed at me that I didn't give it to him right away. What should I have done slash do? That's amazing. Cause there's like, now you have nothing. It's gone so badly that you like, you feel guilty that you didn't do it right away. Your girlfriend's mad at you. You don't have the ball. Oh, for three. The kid probably hates you a little bit because he's like, that guy gave me the ball, but it was like very begrudgingly. Yeah. At this, you have to like,

whatever you decide you're committing. Like the second you kept the ball, the second you said, no, I've been waiting for this moment for 23 years, don't give him the ball. Ball in the pocket. Yeah. Because then like your girlfriend is going to be mad. The kid is sad. But you have the ball. Yeah.

At this point – Or you just give it to the kid right away and it's like you're upset but your girlfriend thinks you're awesome and the kid thinks you're awesome. The kid has a ball. That's probably the best case scenario by the way. Because caught the ball that was your goal like what's the point of okay now i have the thing that i caught yeah you yeah you you you've just done it yeah you caught the ball give it to a kid buy a ball like put it up one of my favorite things that he said is uh i brought i brought my glove to the park that day like you do you do that every single day. I've been dreaming about this moment for 23 years. Like, I happen to have my glove, and I was sitting on the third baseline.

You were, you went there with your glove to catch the ball. It was not like a lot of happenstance. The weird thing is this was a double-A Richmond Flying Squirrels baseball game. Summer League. And this guy plays left field. Holy crap. It's Brett Butler himself. I mean, I guess I think in the moment the thing you should have done is just lie and been like, no, I'm giving it to my nephew.

Just like, I'm giving it to another kid. And then she's like, oh, okay. Oh, yeah, you're right. You're right. Your nephew will love it. Or like some other kid in your life. And then you're like still kind of a good guy. You tell her that you gave it to him.

You can keep the ball under your pillow at all times. Right. Then one day you propose to her. You guys are married. You raise kids. Then she finds the ball when you're moving from your house to an old folks' home. This is the end of your life, and she just divorces you as a 70-year-old. You're still 15 somehow.

It was a magical ball. Don't ask how. So the way you misplayed it was not sticking to your guns right away. If you wanted to keep the ball, you should have kept the ball. I agree. But what can he do now? But does the kid even deserve it? Like the kid was sitting next to me.

Like you were that kid. Nobody gave you a ball your whole life. And you caught one. I mean, that kid will remember. Like now he's done. He'll never try to catch a ball. whole life and you caught one like now you should have i mean that kid will remember like now he's good he's done he'll never try to catch a ball and you know what he's learned a bad value learned a bad life lesson shit gets handed to him no absolutely how is that fair for him you've done that child to disservice this is what you should be saying to your girlfriend on the car i don't just holding the ball in your hand so happy what did i also catch a silver platter for me to just serve this kid on?

I mean, this is an absolute crying rage. This is a shame. So I think what you should say to your girlfriend now is like that you're – I mean, she should respect that you spent 23 years trying to catch a ball and you finally did and you didn't want to give it up. And you did so, but you did it reluctantly, and you did it to make her happy and to make the kid happy at your own expense, the expense of your own happiness. So she should forgive you.

And you failed. You're 0 for 3. You're batting 0 for this game. And for your life. All right. I think we have time for one more question. Can I get pee? I'm just going to go pee. Yeah. Should we cut this out or should I just speak the question while you're in the bathroom? Yeah, I really have to pee, so I've been drinking a lot of water because it's cold. I'll read the question while you urinate. All right, I'll be right back. I'll bring the microphone to the bathroom so that we can totally hear it. All right, this question is from Lindsay. Hey, I'm Aaron Jake. My name is Lindsay, and I'm in a bit

of a predicament. I live in one of the rougher neighborhoods in Canada, no such thing, I already know this is a lie, and recently learned that one of my best friends stole my LED TV. It went missing a month ago, and just two weeks ago, my friend invited me over to play Xbox on what I think is my old TV. I'm afraid to confront him about it, because I don't want to lose him as a friend. Help me, Amir and Jake. You're my only hope. So just to recap, Lindsay lost her TV.

Somebody stole it. Her friend invited her to her house, and she thinks that her friend invited her over to play Xbox on the TV that she stole. How does she confront this new friend that she doesn't want to lose for some reason? She doesn't want to lose her friend that stole her TV? Yeah, because those— God forbid. Yeah. I value this friendship, lose her friend that stole her TV. Yeah, because those... God forbid. I value this friendship and obviously my friend values my belongings.

I'd hate to cut him or her off because she obviously steals a lot of stuff from me. We have this sort of mutually beneficial relationship where I like her company or his company and they like my shit. Yeah, you're a borderline prostitute. Or pimp, I guess, and your friend is the prostitute.

I don't think I understand that metaphor. Because she's paying to hang out with her friend. Oh, I see. But she's paying in LED TVs instead of money. So you're a John, that's what she is. She's not a pimp. She's a John. You're a John, your friend's a prostitute. And she wants

to keep this relationship going. Or should she confront him? him also how does she know that that's her tv also if it is her tv what crazy audacity this friend has to invite her friend over to play xbox on the tv that he stole it's kind of weird because like you know they make a lot more than just one tv yeah and like a lot of the times people will get the same tvs because there's like deals on amazon or best buy right. So there's a chance if both of you guys needed new TVs at the same time, you got the same TV. I guess there's also a chance that both of you needed a TV

and then you bought one and then he or she stole it. Or it's so obviously hers. But then it's like, why invite the friend over? Maybe you could go find your order number or your receipt and you can get the serial number from the TV. And then surreptitiously find it while your friend is in the bathroom. Right. And then in that case, I wouldn't confront him or her about it.

I would just call the police and tell them. But if you order it online, you'll have the serial number. Or if you're like, oh, is this advice because you're afraid to lose a friend? I'm giving you advice on getting your TV back. The more important item in your life. I mean, if you're, I think you're afraid of losing the friend by accusing them of, like, stealing the TV. Yeah. And you should only be worried about doing that if you're, like, not 100% sure the TV is yours.

But if you are. If it's definitely your TV, then, you know, have no fear about losing the friend because they're going to go to jail. They're a kleptomaniac. You're owed a TV in this case. Or have the police seize it and then have Glenn and his friend go and buy it in some sort of TV auction. Seize the T's. Seize the TV's, not B's. Are we going to do something with SeizeTheCheese.com?

I'd very much like to own SeizeTheCheese.com. What could it possibly be? I don't know, but I could picture a world in 10 years where Domino's just buys it from us for a million dollars. It sounds like a Pizza Hut slogan or Domino's. Something's going to happen with it, dude. Just trust me, we're buying Seize the Cheese. The thing is, in 10 years, a million dollars, we'll only buy a medium pizza from Pizza Hut. I mean, with the way our economy's going to happen with it, dude. Just trust me. We're buying Seas the Cheese. The thing is in 10 years, a million dollars, we'll only buy a medium pizza from Pizza Hut.

I mean, with the way our economy's going. Can we talk about this, people? Finally, we're getting through the shit we want to talk about in the podcast. Inflation, okay? Stagflation. You know where this started with was JFK. Started from some sort of bottom of the episode and now we're here. Started from the bottom, now we're here.

Yeah, like an ad salesperson's like, we already thought of the slogan. They already greenlit it. Let's just spend the money on the damn website. There's some marketing guy that's like, all right, yeah, we got it. They got our idea. Just get the website. We don't have the website. What do you mean you don't have the website?

We shot the commercial. We went and pitched it. We shot the commercial where it was like a Dead Poets Society parody where some cool English teacher is standing on a desk imploring the classmates to seize the cheese. We already shot it. It's in the cans. These domain owners are icing us. They won't take any offer. Offer of a million dollars.

Did you offer a million dollars in cheese? Seize the cheese. What if we just don't buy it? That be fun just don't buy it this is our gift to you first person to listen to this podcast and buy seize the cheese but no i really want it yeah it's funny because like anybody listening to it well i guess they probably already went to it but like it'd be funny if uh somebody listening to it right now is just like oh my god wait they didn't they didn't get it i don't think they got it just go to seize the cheese right now no no we're now my god, wait, they didn't get it. I don't think they got it. Just go to Seize the Cheese right now. Now we're definitely getting it. I'm staring

at a screen right now that says SeizeTheCheese.com is available. Great. How much is it? Like eight bucks? It's eight dollars. We go halfsies on this. Go Dutch for each. We're each making at least half a mil within a couple years. Yeah, yeah. And we split it, right? Only, guess what? I just bought Seize

the Cheese from my phone. Impossible. And it's entirely mine. Refresh the page, loser. No, no, no, no, and we split it, right? Only, guess what? I just bought seeds of cheese from my phone. Impossible. And it's entirely mine. Refresh the page, loser. No, no, no, no, no, no. I thought of it. That's right. I'm rich.

I'm rich. You're still in the bathroom. I just cured my cold with cheese. And that's our time. That is our time. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of If I Were You. Again, the email address is, we promise we won't make fun of every single person that writes in, just some of them. The email address is ifIwereyoushow at gmail.com.

Or you can email ifIwereyoushow at seesthecheese.com. We are still starting every show with a new, fresh, user-submitted, created theme song. We still haven't settled on one. I think we don't have to ever settle on one. Yeah, it'd be kind of cool if we didn't. The shtick is just new theme song every episode written by one of you guys. Again, send it to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Oh, you know what we wanted to do was the audio question.

Oh, that's right. That is right. If you guys are tech savvy enough to actually record your voice asking the question instead of typing it out, it would be cool to do questions that way where we can hear your voice and we can answer it. That way we can make fun of your voice in addition to the question. Exactly. Like what if this person had a stupid voice and we're just sitting here making fun of your syntax? That's not fair to us. It's not fair to the viewers. It's not fair to the question. Yeah, exactly. Like, what if this person had a stupid voice and we're just sitting here making fun of your syntax? That's not fair to us. It's not fair to the viewers.

Seize the cheese. Seize the cheese. We're just forcing it as a tagline to everything. You do you. Seize the cheese. Seize the cheese. Record your voice. Send that voice file in as a question.

As a you do you file. Yeah. A W-Y-D-Y. A dot Y-D-Y file. Anything else? Any last words? That's just so quick to come up with the acronym for UDU. Thank you.

Yeah, shit. I didn't mean to compliment you like that, but wow. Yes, something else. We have a couple live shows coming up. 11 specifically. 11 specifically. So we have one coming up on June 13th, I believe is the date, at the UCB Theater at... New York.

In New York on the west side. So that's going to be the College Humor Live show. It's going to be very funny. If you live in New York, reserve tickets and come. And then we also have 10 shows in London starting on June 25th, I want to say. Yeah, Tuesday, maybe June 25th. and we're doing two shows a night. And some of the shows might be sold out, but we might be releasing more shows soon. Anyway, seize the cheese, grab the tickets, and let's...

Yeah, dude, that's the motto for life. Seize the cheese. Yes. We should end every episode with people saying, seize the cheese. It'll be like our version of Pete Holmes' Keep It Crispy. That's right. Take that, Pete. He's not listening to this. Let's end it with Leia's beautiful song. Untitled, but

probably called If I Were You Show theme song. Thanks so much Leia and thanks so much everybody for listening. If I were you i shit myself i'd slit myself i'd commit myself if i were you if i were you show.com seize the cheese