Segments - 530: Roommate Problems

Episode Date: March 7, 2022

We are live in the studio discussing good friends, bad roommates, and imaginary boats. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. There once was a chipmunk man and they called him a mule

He was living in my garden and I tried to scare him away from his tree But like chipmunks do, he only came and crawled back again So I figured this time I might as well let it be Chipmunk boy and me started to get along together I fed him lots of seeds and we mowed the lawn in bad weather it's actually pretty easy being nice to a chipmunk boy like him so I got myself

a rodent so I got myself a rodent so I got myself a rodent friend damn and friends this guy's concert. Yeah. Like I've never heard that band. It's like, actually it's not a band. It's a guy. It's a guy. Yeah. It's like that.

Wasn't there like a band or a guy named like tallest man in the world or something like that. And it sounds about, yeah. And it's like, he's from Sweden, but that's what his band name is. Right.

And he has a song about eroded. Exactly. But it means so much more than that, but not this, this one's literally about you. Yeah. Like, yeah,

this, this other one. And I like it cause it's about me. So like i prefer songs to be me yeah that makes sense it makes sense but it's not good like i get it but it's it was cool to hear that right because most songs i think are about me but that one probably definitely is about me so you're not even sure i think it is about me. So you're not even sure. I think it is about me. It is about you. Also, Layla is about you. And You're So Vain, the song that's probably about me.

Yeah, that was about me. This one is, yeah. It's a 24-year-old man from Copenhagen, of course. Yes, dude. He's from Denmark. Yeah. And he made this pretty sweet tune from Jake's POV about overcoming our differences and getting along. Hope you like it. It's from Denmark. Yeah. And he made this pretty sweet tune from Jake's POV about overcoming our differences and getting along.

Hope you like it. It's a cover. It's a cover of Cavetown's Lemon Boy. That's why I liked it so much independently, I guess. Because it's a good cover. Yeah, must be. If you were so sweet as to use it, please shout out my dear friend Simon and tell him I love him. Oh, all right.

Yeah. Also, if you have time to plug my Instagram, Rune Gronielsen. Very Danish and weird, but it's Rune Gronielsen. So there you go. Okay. So thank you, Rune, for making that song for us. Yeah, thank you. First song in our new studio.

First podcast in our new studio. First podcast in our new studio. This is it. Yeah. This is sort of the new normal, and we'll do this once before you go back to New York, and then we'll just head back to the Zoom thing that we're used to. I guess one and done, yeah. And then you think we'll ever do this again or no? Well, this is the last episode.

Oh, yeah, we forgot. It's cool that it's like a cool new setup. Deuces. Because, yeah, we have three cameras shooting us. So we just do deuces, deuces, we forgot. It's cool that it's like a cool new setup. Deuces. Because yeah, we have three cameras shooting us. Yeah. Deuces,

deuces, deuces. That's cool. And we got the TV and like we got the signage and built out the studio in LA.

Yeah. Hired a bunch of people, but we're going to be vacating the company. Liquidating our assets as it were.

Right. We're cashing out basically, but it's nice to do it at the top. I've also been siphoning funds. Sneakily, greedily, I heard him asking about it. He said there's been $6,500 of missing liquid capital every week since the beginning of the pandemic. Precisely right.

Yes, yes, yes. And he says that money is not traceable. You've been putting it into different asset classes. Some people skim off the top. I skim off the top, bottom, yes. And he says that money is not traceable. You've been putting it into different asset classes. Yeah, some people skim off the top. I skim off the top, bottom, and middle. It's like a club sandwich of stealing cash from the company. Got it. So what does skimming from the middle entail?

That's where you take funds dedicated for middle-level things. I see. For example, like a middle-level thing, that would be internet. I see. For example, like a middle level thing, a mid-level thing, that would be internet. I see. So you say like internet at the new office is $6,500. Yes, exactly. And then that money goes to instead of Spectrum or Verizon Fios. It goes to me buying new Jordans on Grailed.

That's a van. What? It's a van. What? It's a $42. No. Coins come out of it. No, no, no, no, no, no. There's no way you're just finding out. How much do you say

this is worth? 50 bucks maybe. Fuck. On Grailed. You know we're a StockX company. That's right. That's why I just threw Grail down to the bus

They helped me steal funds StockX would never do that Sweet Yeah, this is hopefully the new normal Because we'll get a studio up and running in New York We'll get one in here which is already happening Yeah, so I'll fly here You'll fly to New York every once in a while, won't you?

We'll see about that It needs to get a little bit warmer It will It has to Yeah There's going to be a brief bit warmer it will it has to yeah there's gonna be a brief window where it's gonna be very comfortable for you to come

and then it'll be way too hot yeah so yeah be nice so sweet let's try to do our best to answer

as many questions as humanly possible this is after all if I were you hell yeah the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us

we're almost at the um eight year mark, nine-year mark of our show. So we're going to be surpassing the If I Were You, sorry, surpassing the Jake and Amir episodes. That's right. Soon. Yeah. And then we have to start like whatever the third venture will be for that next nine-year chunk. Because this was a 27-year plan. Right. We do nine, nine, and then what's the next medium? We could do a novel.

That's cool. So we spend nine years writing a book. Precisely. Do you think that would keep people interested, engaged, entertained? It wouldn't matter because we'll be rich living in Ibiza from all the cash I stole from Headcum. I see. Yeah. And the advance on the novel, I'm sure we'll be able to fund part of it. Because the idea is actually not there. Do you remember people pitching us book ideas? Remember when that was like a thing like 15 years ago? It's like, hey, I work at whatever publishing company. Have you guys considered writing a book?

Yeah, it was right when we started the podcast. I think it was eight years ago. Right. And it was a very reputable company. I believe it was Penguin. Why is that? Oh, yeah, yeah. I went out and I got drinks with a publisher there.

That's cool. And we wrote a book proposal. And I think they gave us feedback. And that was when we realized how hard it was to write a book. Yeah, because the proposal took us a while. And we're like, if the proposal is any indication, we don't want to write the actual book. I still have the draft, actually. I looked at it relatively recently.

We had like the titles for each chapter were like kind of like a a question that we answered like shitting at your in-laws house or whatever right aka being comfortable with those you love so like it was like a really minutiae petty anxiety silly thing and then what we could unpack from it that's cool yeah it was good it was a good little layout. That's actually, that gives me an idea of pitching a book exactly like that to Penguin. I bet it wouldn't be

well received because you ghosted them nine years ago when they asked you for a second draft. There's no way those people still work there though.

It can't be. They could run it. They could run it now. Actually, this episode is kind of like a roommate in that book called, sorry, a chapter in that book called Roommates because we got a bunch of roommate questions. Love it. That we can answer. Let's do it. The first of which is, made me laugh, just the subject of it.

My best friend roommate is having a baby in my house. My best friend room? So it's like you live with someone and they're like, oh, good news. I'm having a baby here now. That's insane. That's stressful when your roommate gets a pet. Yeah. So it's like that, but with a partner and a baby.

Okay. We'll call this person baby. I love that. Yeah. You rarely see a baby. Okay. We'll call this person baby. I love that. Yeah. You rarely see a baby named that. I guess because it's short-lived, but here we are. Okay. Baby writes, I'm 28 and live in Washington State.

A few years ago, I started to look for a house to buy for myself and my best friend of 20 years, basically my brother, came back to Washington and was looking for a place to live as to not live with his folks. So I bought a house about a year and a half ago, but verbally made a contract with my best friend that we would basically go in on it together. Just that everything is solely under my name because his credit is bad. This is the one that's having a child, of course. Oh, no. Fast forward to now. He has been dating this one girl for about six months now, and she's nice. She is currently two months pregnant, and she'll be moving in soon and having their baby. I have already expressed that I'm less than happy with that current situation, but, of course, I'm going to help and be supportive. He's going to raise the child full house style. Now, the issue I'm mainly writing about is I brought up the question of payment. Right now, we both pay half of all our bills.

But when she and the baby move in and she's working again, I say that we split it three ways. Really, it should be four because the baby has to pay its due. Yeah, for sure. My best friend says that we should only split the bills, excluding the mortgage payment three ways, because it would be unfair that they don't see the benefit of equity unless we refinanced with their names on the mortgage, which sounds like a nightmare. Sorry for the long email, but I really hope y'all can bless me with your infinite wisdom. Get out. Get out of this.

He bought the house. Leave the house. You're done. Do not have anything to do with this at all. I don't mind the refi off. The refi add me to the mortgage. Yes. This guy doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

This is crazy. But imagine the new lower interest rate and this guy sort of grandfathered into the mortgage. Imagine me talking to my landlord in New York and be like, well, no, I should pay less because you're actually getting equity in the building. It doesn't make sense. You're just coming to realize how people make money in the world. Right. Wait, why am I paying you rent if you own the building? We should be

going in on shit together. Yeah, it should all be Dutch. How much is this fucking building anyway? $3,200? $4,000? Can't be that much. You are in such a dumb situation. He's kind of stuck because he bought a place, which means like it's like a multi-year commitment. Yeah.

Now his best friend wants to have a child, which is probably a longer commitment. Yeah. I mean, but he's not stuck. I think you tell the friend, I don't want to have your wife and your child move in here and also pay me a non-market rent. That's not fair across the board. I'll help you find another place or you don't. Bye. And then you can get a roommate to help you pay the rent. What was that movie where the guy says, I don't want your life?

That was Varsity Blues, James Van Der Beek to his father. Yeah. So what if he says, I don't want your wife? That's good. And then the guy's like, excuse me? You basically walked into the living room and said that out of the blue. Yeah. We'd have to chuck a football at his face. I heard the baby kicking. Father, what does it mean? It sounds like a funny situation like a cute situation it's full house basically yeah but then i think which is another show we could pitch modern full house i feel like if everything was cool this would be one thing if it was like i love i love my friend i love his wife they're really supportive they like, you know, help look after the house and stay out of my way. They know having a baby is tough, whatever.

But it sounds like you're getting steamrolled in your own house by somebody in a six-month relationship with someone two months into a pregnancy. It doesn't – and he has bad credit. I just – there's so much like – It's the credit that worries me. I'm just. You don't want that like a score on your mind, on your conscience. I feel like I'm reading between the lines a little bit here. And this is just a bad situation.

And the road has to end here. It does feel like a sitcom though, right? Like a stoner guy. And he's just like living with this couple that's having a baby. So it's like the most responsibility you can have coupled with this guy. It's like, so he's like staying up late playing video games and the mom is like, you know, dealing with a crying child at two in the morning. But this guy that wrote it, he's not the stoner. He seems like the responsible one. Yeah. We would have to shift it for our purposes so that we're

not stealing his life. Totally. Yeah. Do you think the stoner would be the guy who's getting married or like the stoner is the guy who lives there already? And then the best friend that's getting married and has a kid is the uptight one. Yeah. I think it'd be like the guy, I don't know, the guy, no, the guy who has the house has to be the uptight one because it's his world that has to get all in disarray. Right. So yeah. So the other dad has to be the stoner one. Right. So stoner guy is the guy who is the father or is the guy that lives there already? Father. That's good. Yeah. And so like they're sort of on the same schedule, but for very different reasons. Yeah. I'm really down to beat this out in the second act, the pilot idea. I don't know. I don't think it's there, frankly. Where do you imagine this world being? Let's set it in Seattle.

That's where it's really interesting. Because then the rain becomes an issue. He comes home soaking wet. What do you imagine the cold open being for the pilot? I don't. You don't? The cold open is probably fine. It's like the positive pregnancy test.

That's really cool. Yeah, he kind of sets up the world. Oh, he thinks it's a COVID exam or something. He's like freaking out. Like, what the hell? You have COVID and you didn't tell me? And he's wet. Yeah, he's soaking wet.

Because it's Seattle. Seattle, yeah. And he doesn't have an umbrella because he's a stoner. He's the normal guy. He's the normal guy, right? Yeah. So he should have an umbrella because he's a stoner. He's the normal guy. He's the normal guy, right? Yeah. So he should have an umbrella. He's a fucking banker.

Or maybe the stoner guy comes in soaking wet. Normal guy says, you don't have an umbrella? We live in Seattle. Yeah. But I think it's the opposite. Usually people in Seattle don't have umbrellas because they're like, we're so used to the rain. Yes, his idea is imploding. Let's skip it then.

Let's fucking have it take place in Belgrade. Switch it up. No American sitcom takes place overseas. Why don't we put that on its head? What's this show about, basically? I don't want to write it with you. Because I'm fucking skittish. You just fucking took it.

You went from not wanting to deal with the rain in Seattle to shooting it in Belgrade because no American sitcom is set overseas. I don't think you're all over the place. I want to shoot it in Denmark, but it takes place in Finland. And we do shoot at night for day. Focus on the creative, not on the production. I'm just thinking as a line producer slash ep how we get around the tax implications who are the characters the characters i don't fucking care uh dan okay what's dan's point of view what's his motivation he thinks that it's tight or not to have a kid or not like none of

that matters all i'm just trying to figure out is where we get lunch. The first day we're in the room. That's not even what the line producer does. Really? You're talking about avoiding taxes, shooting night for day, and also doing craft services. I'm going to look up. We should take a break, but I want to look up lunch in the area. In Finland?

Yeah. Like, if there's a salad place. Or is it so fucking back-ass where they eat fish? This is you and the pitch. Anyway, we imagine it living here or FXX. Also, this is just you talking to the parking lot attendant

at the Fox lot. Yeah, you are 21 minutes late and it'll take you at least another hour to get there from here. I don't have a mask. Is that a problem? Okay. Get out of there, basically. Yeah.

Yeah. To this baby. Yeah. You don't want to deal with a child that's not yours. That's right. Once the baby is born, that's the entire fucking living situation is the baby. There's shit everywhere. There's odd sleeping hours.

And just purely from a splitting the rent slash mortgage, where do you land on that? I mean it's got to be like 90% baby, wife, and guy. Like he's – it's basically like in terms of responsibility, he's taking over everything. Like the guy should live there for free really. Like you pay me the entire mortgage. I live here for free and sort of help you with this child that you're raising. Interesting. He becomes a babysitter. It's definitely not like the unit splits and you. Yeah, that's not how it works. Hell yeah. It's not 50-50 when you have a child. Yeah. Okay, let's take a break. Thanks to sponsors and come back

with more questions and answers after this. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so

intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesdayuesday so that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new just kind of like having a new personality yeah it's funny i consider myself a vision lifter which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters? Yeah, visionlifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, you save 10% off your first purchase,

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I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Yes, kind of. Kind of? Well, let's skip it to one that's definitely good. All right. I'm going to explain something that I've been doing that's been helpful to me. Okay. And then we'll see if other people like it.

Or maybe, you know, you can make this your own. Okay. Okay. So do you ever have – it's not quite like spinning out or like freaking out over something, but like a recurring thought, like a circular thought that you just worry about. Uh-huh and oftentimes it's something like irrational where you're like even just imagining imagining something that's happening that's actually not you know creating a problem in your head yes yes you'll you'll do that will you sure okay so I was recognizing that I was doing that sometimes. So what I started doing was creating like a little mental image of the thought and then getting rid of it. So my mental image, when I have a recurring thought,

and sometimes it's even like, I know I have to deal with something, say like I have a meeting that I am not looking forward to on Thursday, but I keep on thinking about that even though it's Tuesday. Uh-huh. So I'll take that thought. I will put it in a safe that's dangled out over the ocean on a big crane on like a big freight boat. Yeah. And then I drop it into the sea. And I think about when it's time, I'll just dredge it back up. You'll fish it the sea and I think about when it's time I'll just you know dredge it back up you'll fish and I'll deal with it then yeah and then sometimes if it's a recurring thought that I shouldn't even have at all I imagine the chain just running out and the thought falling to the bottom of the ocean forever yeah and then sometimes I imagine the people that the thought is about are on the boat with me, giving me a thumbs up as the thing goes into the ocean.

That's cool. You look back and the people aren't there. They're in the safe. No. No, wait. I'll tell you what, though. It has worked every single time. Because when the safe goes into the ocean, the next thing I do in my head is I say, now you are, and it's whatever I'm doing,

whatever I should be focusing on. And it's absolutely worked every single time. So you stopped thinking thoughts based on an imagination of getting rid of the thoughts? Yeah. Did anybody give you this advice or did you just think of it out of your own self? I think I had like heard of like the idea of like putting your emotions in a box and like putting that box on a shelf. And I like, I think that that is technically not healthy because you're supposed to feel your emotions. Yeah. But I thought it could maybe work with my thoughts and it has.

So you sort of adjusted something that somebody told you. Yeah. And then you really don't think about these things anymore because they're in an imaginary safe at the bottom of the ocean. They, I mean, they come back and I will, but not like in a recurring fashion. Like they come back when they're supposed to, because you're like, I do deal with all of the things that I don't want to deal with. And then the things that I should never think about, they've stayed at the bottom of the ocean so far. And the big thing that it's done is even if they do come back, like it's always helped clear my head for the moment that I'm supposed to be in, at least then. Like it was happening when I was on vacation with Jill and I was like riding my bike and being like, oh,

I'm worried about this thing. But instead dropped the thing to the ocean and then was completely in the moment. What if it's like a thing that actually does come back and you're like, wait a minute, I put you in a safe and now somebody is texting me and they're angry about it. But sorry, you're already at the bottom of the ocean. I gave a thumbs up to my mom about it. I guess if that happened, I'd have to, that would be one of the things that I would deal with. Have you ever dreamt about like finding the safe or deal – like has it crawled into your subconscious in that way? No. It's never like – it's never come back up unwanted.

I'm fully in control of the boat. That's cool. Yeah. Because you're a captain now. Look at me. Actually, I imagined one of those once and I got so seasick that I started puking off the side. Well, you would have your own. You don't have to use the boat.

I would use the boat because I am the goat. And the problem is my anxiety has to do with the fact that I do get motion sick. You're sinking my ship right now. Battleship. I'm holding the safe on the bow and I drop it. It creates a giant hole. Oh, shit. You ass.

What was even in your safe? You've killed us. I didn't want to have breakfast today as well. I'm trying to eat less. It was useless. Now you fucking sunk my memory palace, you ass. Yeah, my memory palace is just a boat

that's dropping shit all the time. The opposite of a palace. Okay, that's good advice. That sounds like something you would learn from a better help therapist, but it's something you created on your own. Yeah, that's right. Okay, cool. I was going to say, like, maybe get, like, a razor for your taint or some shit. Oh, a taser.

Yeah. Tainter. Because the taser already exists. Yeah. Did you see the new Jackass? No, I taser. Yeah. Tainter. Because the taser already exists. Yeah. Did you see the new Jackass? No, I can't. I have a lot of respect for the Jackass guys. I'm sure it's amazing.

But I can't watch. Like, I don't. It fills me with anxiety and dread. I thought you used to like the Jackass. I did. I loved it. I mean, but like in high school. And it was.

You haven't seen it since. No. I think in the first Jackass movie, they like gave Steve-O a paper cut with like a manila envelope. Yeah. Like in between his fingers or something. Yeah. I can't. What are your thoughts on like the puke stuff though? So they'll like shit their pants and a cameraman will also vomit in like a mask and then they'll like throw the puke around and like do stuff like that. That probably wouldn't bother me nearly as much as like the pain stuff. The pain stuff. Yeah. What about like the, like the score, like you have to kiss a snake.

So it's not like really painful, but it's kind of scary. Yeah. I wouldn't like that because I don't like snakes. Fine. I don't like bugs. Interesting. So if there's like a scorpion or if there's a cockroach. They tied someone up to a chair and put salmon in his underwear and released a bear.

Is that fine for you? Because it's not really a paper cut or is that also sort of like a test? That would be fine for me. That's okay? Yeah. They put Steve-O naked on a box. They put a queen bee on his dick and had a beard of bees on his scrotum. Would that scare you too?

Or would that sort of- That would be bad. I don't like bees. Not bees. Yeah. Okay. See, this is why I wouldn't watch it. Did you like, it's not enough.

Thank you. Because they did sit someone in an aquarium and tried to light his fart on fire. Underwater, they were able to capture enough methane that created an explosion in the tank. Do you like that kind of stuff? Or do you think that that's kind of scary? I don't think it's scary.

This is a weird interview. Wee Man actually was able to kick his own forehead. That's cool. That's nice, right? I don't want to watch the movie because there's some stuff that I won't mind and some stuff that I'll really hate. Bam Margera. Was not in the film. Not in the film.

Distanced himself from the jackass crew. Right. Is that like fine with you? No, I think it's sad. I read an interview with all the guys in like the New York Times and it seems like it bumps them out. Actually, he was in one of the pranks. I watched – I did watch the movie and I enjoyed it. And then I did some researching after.

Bam Margera did have some sort of falling out with the Jackass crew. Right. But there's one sketch that's – they're walking as a marching band onto a treadmill that's going sideways. So like as they step on it, they like fall and fall off. And one of the guys is Bam Margera. So he was like part of it. They didn't really ever talk about him being there or reference the fact that he was there. But one of the guys was Bam for seemingly no reason.

I think, I mean, he must, I think he was filming part of the movie then. And then he like didn't hold up his end of a bargain about not drinking or something or not doing drugs. Oh, like within the, in the middle of the movie. Probably. Yeah. So I guess that's my, that's my unsolicited is check out the new Jackass film. It's kind of a nice catharsis for what's going on in the world. You get to watch other people just fucking fart and laugh for two hours.

That's nice. Good for them. Okay. Another roommate question. Okay. This guy wants to know what to do about a roommate's lady friend that followed him from an explicit Instagram account. That's right. It links to her website, which advertises situations far stickier than your usual conundrums.

She obviously wanted me to see it, but what do I do? My roommate would be insanely jealous if he knew. Should I tell him that she's making money from mutual friends? Should I tell him that I'm not interested? Should I pretend that I never got the follow request and potentially put her in financial jeopardy?

Or should I do the expedient thing and cause a rift in my friendship by using my stiff to jizz this Jill's gal gifts? What? Love, Stevo, who is sober and doing great in the new Jackass movie. I'm happy for Stevo. So this guy, his roommate is dating someone who sent him a request from an explicit account.

I think she has some sort of OnlyFans style finsta where it's like follow me here for more. Okay. I think that if this were me, I would do nothing. You don't have to be

a hero. This isn't a call to action. You don't have to be a hero. This isn't a call to action. You would just ignore it. Yeah. Your roommate probably, like, what does he think? That his roommate doesn't know? Yeah. I feel like your roommate will know.

And I don't know. It's going to your roommate and being like, I hope, like, I don't know if you know this, but she's got an OnlyFans. And then he's like, I do know. And then he tells her that you came to, it's like, you look like a real ass. But what if he doesn't know? Then I think that's for your roommate to find out from his girlfriend. That's cool.

Just like, you don't need to be the guy that whistle blows here in this situation yeah at the very least you should just wait a little bit longer and see what comes of it see if your roommate brings it up and to you dare you follow i wouldn't do that either i think that the roommate even if he knows that the girlfriend has an only fans if he would get jealous if you subscribed that wouldn't be that wouldn't be, that wouldn't be bueno. You're not putting her in financial jeopardy by not subscribing for $4 or whatever. Yeah.

She's, she's hustling. She's got other subscribers. Did you know that that was a thing? The explicit side Instagram, which advertises the other things I know about like secret stuff you don't want your parents to see but I didn't know specifically like this style. No, I've always thought

of Finstagrams as ways to like keep tabs on your exes or something. Oh, cool, like a complete dummy account. Or like some thirsty accounts

or whatever but I hadn't thought of the explicit one. I wonder if I should do a Finsta because, you know. What would you do

on the Finsta that you don't do on your real one? I would just go like on main with some really nasty shit. What do you do on the Finsta that you don't do on your real one? I would just go on Maine with some really nasty shit. What do you mean nasty? Like pictures I take of things that I have on my phone that I would die if they ever got out. Okay.

Really, really nefarious shit. I wouldn't do that then. Because it could come back. It could come out. Well, it would be under a pseudonym, like guys. It would be like Amir underscore guys. Right. I feel like people could trace that back to you.

If the photos are on your phone that you don't want people to see, don't put them hidden on the internet. Just don't put them anywhere. Yeah. you don't want people to see, don't put them hidden on the internet. Just don't put them anywhere. Sometimes like if my dog is scratching his armpits a lot, he'll get like kind of like almost like eczema under his armpit or something like that. Where's this going? And I'll take a picture to send it to my girlfriend over here, the vet. I can put pictures like that on there.

That's not nasty or nefarious. Yeah. Well, that would be like sort of the tip of the iceberg. Some of it would be screen grabs from different deals that I've done with regards to Web3 properties that I don't own but broker deals between, if that makes sense. It does. Yeah. Some sort of right of center.

Okay. NFT. Save it for Truth Social. What's that? Donald Trump's new social media platform. I'm the number two most followed account on Truth Social. That's a good bio. We should get Truth Social accounts.

Just in case it blows up. Yeah. You have to be on all social media. I'm on TikTok, Truth Social accounts, right? Just in case it blows up. Yeah. You have to be on all social media. I'm on TikTok, Truth Social, Twitter. I have a Finsta. Oh, Twitter and Truth Soch. What else?

Facebook, obviously. But I just don't want Russia stealing my shit, so I'm on Truth Social as well. Okay, cool. So don't tell the roommate, probably. I think so. Stay out of it. Okay, cool. So don't tell the roommate probably. I think so. Stay out of it. Okay, let's take another break. Thanks to some sponsors.

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Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. Hey-o. One last roommate question to rule them all. All right. And what better roommate is there than the freshman year college roommate? Wow.

Just a classic roommate. That's right. You have to live in a small room with a random person, quite frankly. Random person, yeah. I got lucky with mine. Who'd you, who is it? I was matched up with a very funny, sweet man

that I had no idea who he was. His name was Boris. I show up. He's just a good dude, a nice guy, plays tennis. Awesome. And we still keep in touch to this day. Really? Yeah.

So shout out to Boris. I met my best friend, writes, we'll call this lady Boris too. Nice. Boris too, writes, I met my best friend during my freshman year of college. Damn. We're 24 now, and she remains the closest friend I've ever had. Me and Boris aren't even this close. This is quite insane.

I've never heard you say his name before. Exactly. We live in the same city now, and she is originally from this city. So whenever we're out, I meet a lot of her old friends from high school. And she has a really good guy friend from high school who also lives here. And I met him a few times in college when he would visit. And the first time I met him, I honestly thought he was pretty cute and funny, but I knew my friend had a little crush on him too. So I tried to push those feelings down. The three of us hung out on occasion and we share a lot of inside jokes and it's always fun,

but I still think he's so cute and funny. And the more time we spent together, the stronger that feeling gets. I haven't told my friend that I have a crush on so cute and funny, and the more time we spend together, the stronger that feeling gets. I haven't told my friend that I have a crush on him. In fact, I've expressly denied it. It's the only thing I've ever lied to her about, and I feel terrible. He has dated a friend of hers in the past, and long story short, it didn't go well.

The bigger problem is that I think he might like me back. That's right. My roommate, who is a different girl than my best friend, had told me that she also noticed the little things that make her think that he likes me. Obviously, neither of us have made a move here yet, so I might be a little presumptuous, but what should I do? Am I a complete narcissist for assuming he likes me back?

Do I make a move on this guy who I've really liked for a long time and hope that my friend forgives me? What should I do if he makes a move on me first? Do I try to just on this guy who I've really liked for a long time and hope that my friend forgives me? Should I, what should I do if he makes a move on me first? Do I try to just let this crush go? There are a lot of possible situations and I'm very nervous for any of them to play out. I've been a big fan since Jake DeMere in seventh grade and I hope that you guys or NADDPod come to Ohio sometime on tour. Okay. I know it's Ohio, but we need something to do.

Yeah. We've never done a show in Ohio. We did that Cincinnati Columbus Cleveland run. Oh yeah, that's right. I know it's Ohio, but we need something to do. Yeah. We've never done a show in Ohio. We did that Cincinnati Columbus Cleveland run. Oh, yeah, that's right. That was early on. Those were all in Ohio? Yeah. All right.

Then we did Canton, I want to say, at the Football Hall of Fame. We did a week there. I knew we did Akron. Yeah, we did Akron and Canton for about four weeks straight. We did a residency there. That's right. Okay. Yeah, but other than that, we did two.

I thought that was Pennsylvania. No, it was all in Ohio. All right. Then we did Summer at the Miami University of Ohio. Oh, Dade. Yes, we went to Dayton for a minute. Dade is Miami. Miami Dayton High School.

Wow. Okay, so we'll come to Ohio, and then what do you do if you have a crush on someone that's forbidden? Do you ask for permission? Do you just go for your gold? She said that her roommate likes this guy or liked. Do you ask for permission? Do you just go for your gold? She said that her roommate likes this guy or liked. Like, is it still? I bet there's some sort of,

you know, low grade crushing action going on. I feel like on the one hand, yes, it will be a little weird. Your roommate might like him. She might be a little jealous. Yeah. But on the other,

this is like a very long drawn out relationship so it's not like he came in once you found out she liked him but you liked him you hooked up and then you have to tell your roommate like i feel like you've proven your feelings over this these years you've also proven your loyalty to your roommate by pushing them down for as long as you have but you can't do that forever. No. So basically your two options are to just go for it and then apologize later. Yeah.

Or do you have the conversation beforehand and then like, it might not even matter because he'd be like, oh, I'm not interested in you like that. Well, great. I already fucking did the hard part by asking my best friend for permission to go for it. Yeah. The tough thing is, do you tell your roommate, yes, I have a crush on this guy, before you explore if it's even an option? Because she might be like, best case scenario,

you say, I have a crush, and she's like, I always thought it, I don't like him, this is great, I'm happy for you guys. Then you go for it, he has a crush, it all works out. Yeah. But it could also happen that you tell your roommate, I have a crush. Oh, my God, don't do anything. I'm in love with him.

I've been in love with him forever. And then you're like, oh, okay, well, now I feel really bad because I just kind of like cleared the air. And now I've admitted to myself that I have this feeling. I can't do anything. Yeah. Sticky situation. What's the least bad option? I say,

I guess what's the worst option? The worst option is you go for it and it works and then your best friend is like, I can't believe you did that to me. You stabbed me in the back. The worst option is you tell your friend,

she tells you not to go for it, you go for it anyway, he rejects you. Then you find out, then your roommate finds out. Then you break your ankle on the way to telling her. You feel so bad, but you can't walk for three months. If it were me, I don't think I would like fully go for it,

but I would like maybe let my guard down and see if it started to happen a little bit naturally and then go to the roommate and be like, maybe a little bit of a lie and be like, I have a crush on him, even though we'd already like hooked up and then see what happens. Even though we had already hooked up. Yeah. Because I don't think you want to have this conversation without even knowing if the dating

is a possibility. Yeah. You have to get so close that you're like about to kiss this guy and you're like, wait one second. I have to ask this girl if that's okay. My best friend. You know her. She doesn't really have to ask.

There's not really a law. Not a law, but like if it's your best friend, then you don't want to just burn that bridge. Yeah. A small moral code. But I think that you're – it's not like you just think this guy is hot or whatever. It's like you actually really like him. You've liked him for a long time. It's bro code.

Huh? It's bro code. Huh? It's bro code. Did you break? Sorry, ma'am. Did you break bro code? Or worse yet, girl code? You can't just break that.

There's lots of codes you can't break, but I think that you're, I think you're fine. Well, what would you want if someone you knew had a crush on someone that you had a crush on? You would want them to tell you? Yeah. This happened to us. Me and you? Yeah. We had a crush on the same woman? Or was it just a... I had a crush on her. You were indifferent. Then you found out she liked you. I remember who you're talking about.

You remember, right? And I think you guys made out and then you told me. Yes, we made out and then I told you. I didn't ask for your permission first. Right. Because that's weird. It's not my, I can't give you permission. Right. Because she wasn't with you.

Right. There's no ownership over any of this. I think all you can do is say, this is happening. But would you have liked me to do that? If you would come to me and been like, I'm going to go for her, I don't think I would have been like, no, dude. You can't. I have that just in case she's interested one day.

Yeah. We've talked about how you can't actually call dibs on a person. You can do that on the front seat of the car, but not anything else. So yeah, I think that, I think you played it right. It's worse to be like, I think if you would come to me and been like,

we've been dating for a month and a half, I would feel duped and lied to. But you told me the same night you guys made out. Yeah, I think it was a, it wasn't like a crush that we had. I think we just were hanging out at your birthday party. It was a crush.

Oh no, a crush that you had, for sure. Yeah. But I wasn't like, I had a secret crush on this person. It just happened. And, and that kind of signaled that it wouldn't happen for me. Because if someone who's interested, if I'm interested in someone and she makes out with you, that's like, it signals the opposite. She's not interested in me at all.

I was proud of you. I was proud slash mad at you that night. No, no. Good man. That's awesome, bro. Really hard slap on the back. This guy's going to close. Right?

We're in a quiet diner. I don't know. It's still early, I think. Yeah. I think explore your relationship and feelings around to this guy without thinking about your roommate for right now, but don't let them go too far

before you tell the roommate what's going on. You don't want to feel like the rug's been pulled out from under you, but also it's your life. Right. So get close, but not so far down the road that you then are like hiding that situation. Yeah. You got to get close here, tell a little bit closer,

tell more back and forth. This is kind of like a sitcom thing. And you've been hooking up with Jill as well, right? Yeah, but we were going to tell you. It wasn't like- As long as it's only been a week or two, I'm fine. It had been a week or two. Whoa.

It had at one point. Right after we got back from our honeymoon. That was during your rehearsal dinner, actually. Oh my God. Yeah, during the storm. I don't know. It just felt so romantic that day. Yeah. Okay, cool. Oh my god. Yeah, during the storm. I don't know. It just felt so romantic that day.

Yeah. Okay, cool. That's it. Our first episode in the frickin' stewed. Huge. We're calling it the stewed? I'm trying to sort of

throw that out as a nickname and see if it sticks. The stewed is a mood for sure. That's really cool. What's your current stewed? Yeah.

What's that? And then we can have stew in here or whatever we want. Who's stew? Like to eat stew. To eat stew. Yeah. Like a gumbo or like a beef lentil stew.

And we'll have our old employee stew in here also. We had somebody named stew? Sorry, old coworker. Remember stew from college humor? Yeah. Whatever happened to stew? He's dead. Yeah.

He was dead. Yeah. He was murdered. Because he kissed another crush of mine. I let it go for only so long. All right, cool. Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks to you guys for submitting your theme songs. The email address for all of it is ifireshow at gmail.com. Damn right.

And now that we're in person again, you know we're actually going to be reading your questions. I'm sick of like phoning it in over Zoom for two and a half years. Yeah. This is like the real, like the hiatus is over. We did what needed to be done. We bridged the gap. This was a weird episode.

I didn't have like four different tabs open on my computer. Yeah, my Bluetooth wasn't in and out for a long time. I didn't have to go to the bathroom and then mute you and then come back. Dog barking, alerts popping up. Yep. Yep. Yeah.

We're actually in it. Yeah. Wow. We're focused. And we can actually make jokes. I miss being alone at my house. For sure. You miss it?

For sure. Oh, you prefer that way. Yeah. I like the alerts. I like the interruptions. I like sort of giving 40% of my attention slash brain slash creativity to the current podcast. The other thing is sort of refreshing a, what is it, grailed auction that I have. We're a StockX.

We're a StockX company that I'm purchasing. What? That's right. The opening theme song was so good. I think we should listen to it again. Yeah. It was by Rune from Copenhagen. And if you want more of us, we have a Patreon.

Patreon.com slash JA. Ja. Making new episodes, watching old episodes. Lots of content there for you as well. We're about to shoot two tomorrow. There you have it. What's up? I'm just learning about that right now.

Yeah. Okay, cool. Thank you to Rune. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. now yeah uh okay cool thank you to ruin thanks to you guys for listening we'll be back next week bye everybody there once was a chipmunk man and they called him a mule that was a hit gum original hey i'm jake johnson host of the podcast we're here to help but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by brooklinen brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets pillows comforters and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this?

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