Segments - 533: Songs

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

In this episode we discuss bad relationships, good songs, and everything in between. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. The Beatles spent, like, a bad amount of money recording this song.

That's not good, right? Not necessarily. Not at all. What? a song? That's not good, right? Not necessarily. Not at all. You're watching the If I Were You show Well, you know They're gonna give you some advice Just write to the If I Were You

pros and then you'll know exactly how to live your life And if you wanna know your function Don't you know you gotta seize the G's Don't you know they're gonna give advice. Advice. But you know they're gonna give advice. I get the, oh, the mic.

That was the Beatles. Mate. Wow. Sir Paul. Thank you. What's that? It was a Beatles parody, I should say. Not The Beatles.

The Beatles, man. It was actually written and performed by- Paul McCartney? No, it was a Canadian- Did Ringo do the drums on it? He didn't. I mean, technically he wrote the drums. I don't know. Is that how it works when you're a drummer?

You can write the drums. he wrote the drums i don't know is that how it works when you're a drummer you can write the drums you write the didn't you say yesterday on twitter the drums are the only instrument you could play by accident yeah and i thought that was an interesting point where it's like no other instrument can you just sort of run into a set and people will be like that's not too dissimilar from the greatest one on earth you know what i mean not to be like insulting in a way but like not to be little drumming yes but it is even drumming it's something you can kind of do like this yeah like i'm like you take travis from blink 182 and a four-year-old that doesn't know how to use his hands yet and it's even to have rhythm isn't that like check this out yeah yeah two three four two four five sorry i'm getting nervous but yeah generally part yeah right yeah but like anybody can bash a thing it's really just counting to four at different speeds so you're like one and two and three and four. But yeah, it's like not that hard.

Like the way that like five, six, seven, eight. The hardest part is saying and in between because you're so used to saying one, two, three, four. You have to say one and or one and or one and. I wonder if you could even do like one, two or whatever. That's probably fine. Ultimately. But what if you go one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three, four, five Mississippi, Rocky Arrow.

Yeah. That's fucking tight. That's awesome. And you'll never see a band that's just drummers because that wouldn't work. Yeah. I've seen a band with two drummers. Really? Everclear actually had two drummers when I saw them at Quinnipiac back in 2002.

It was like one guy that was just on a drum set and another dude who was on kind of like a standing it was like just a like two bass drums and a cymbal it was fucking absolutely savage it was so epic it was it was fred savage actually and ben savage that was fred and ben savage yeah savage of mine is that where have you been where have you fred they actually just did a goldfish commercial and savage brothers yeah and they look or ever clear uh i think it was the savage brothers yeah that's cool um elias elias olsen uh from canada so thank you that's who wrote this beatles parody did you watch that beatles doc that everyone was ranting and raving about i watched the first one i think it was a two-parter right it was a nine or ten parter i

think no i heard people saying that it was way too long, but ultimately interesting and enjoyable. It was called, what is it called? Beatles documentary? 2020. It was like the name of one of their songs. Get Back. Yeah. Yeah. Are you sure it's nine parts?

No. I guess it's three, but each one is two hours. Right. I watched one and it definitely felt like enough. Yes. But I mean's they're so fucking talented it's crazy really you could just take any four words it doesn't matter what they are and just turn it into a fucking hit song get back is two words yeah and they were just

and then do they do they show how they come up with it? So it's like, how about it sounds like this? And they're just like. And it's just Paul and John. It's just them just harmonizing on everything. There's like, oh yeah, here's a little thing and I'll sing, knock on my door. Knock on my door. And then John's just going, knock on my door. And it just sounds fucking just going knock on my door and it just sounds fucking

incredible it doesn't matter what the four words are it's the beatles and it's perfect they can sort of just fart out hits after hits after yeah they like crack like code right um like paul he's like dicking around on his guitar like you and i would on a fidget spinner and then he just starts humming let it be he's like all right yeah one of the greatest songs ever written you just yeah dicking around on his guitar like you and I would on a fidget spinner. And then he just starts humming Let It Be. And he's like, oh, all right. Yeah. One of the greatest songs ever written. You just kind of dicked around and wrote it.

And then they get high and they go, imagine there's no heaven. And they're like, yeah, and give me my guitar. That one had already been written. So, like, they were really stoned out of their gore. They hadn't even realized it. He was just actually quoting his own song in that example, but he still had written it before, which is very impressive. Yeah, it's hard to keep track. What's your favorite Beatles song?

Mean Mr. Mustard? Mean Mr. Mustard lived in the park. He stopped he's a go-getter it's like subjective but you're not a good fan if that's really yeah it's not like it's a great song yeah yeah like even lennon would be like you don't you don't get it, if you think that's the best. I also like Octopus's Garden. Because he kind of says pussy in it. Yeah, no, there's another one that I can't think of now. What's your favorite?

I have two, thank you for asking. Do you want the deep cut or the classic? I've heard of before. Because you will only get one. Oh, interesting. I guess I want the classic. Really? Because I won't know.

You'll give me the deep cut and I won't know it. It won't spark joy. Yeah. My favorite is the one that goes, it just starts and it goes, Close your eyes and I'll kiss you tomorrow, I'll wish you... Do they have that in the documentary? I don't remember. Not that I remember. All My Lovin', that's what it is.

Oh, yeah, they might. I mean, I only watched the first one. I like ones that just start, like, there's no intro. Like, literally, you press play and it just, Close your eyes, and it just close your eyes and it's just like you're instantly into the best part of the song is across the universe is that is across the universe like that that no that one starts with yes it's like words are flowing out like yeah right yeah is there like an intro or do they also just start singing maybe that's what they were so good about they're just like let's get rid of the fucking four to eight seconds at the top and i'll just start singing

because that's the best part that's right so it's actually not that impressive i'm saying i really think it's just about choosing the four words um like and then get it saying them in an interesting way so like like we've never even tried to do that. There's a world where like, they probably got lucky because like a music teacher was like, what do you got? And he'd be like, I want to hold your hand.

How about nobody ever asked us to do that. Wave hello to me. Okay. Wave hello to me. That's four words. It kind of means something. It's like, it's like about a hot girl crossing the street.

It doesn't have to be about anything. It's just about, it's like it's like about a hot girl crossing the street doesn't have to be about anything it's just about it's four words whatever okay wave hello to me and then you would like harmonize on that so it's like wave i don't know what harmonizing is but yeah that's fine it doesn't matter it's like those are the four words and that's what about the verse the verse that's the chorus right wave hello to me people really only give a fuck about the chorus so the verse would because when i said close your eyes that's the chorus, right? Wave hello to me. People really only give a fuck about the chorus. So the verse would be like... Because when I said, close your eyes, that's the verse. It's not... Right, but it's like...

The chorus is all my loving. I walk across... I'm talking. I'm trying to sing right now. This is what the documentary is like. Walk across the street and you are there in the store and I say... So it is about somebody crossing the street. Because that's what I said and you said it doesn't matter.

It's about being around a love of yours. Yes, exactly. Wave hello to me. I'll say it. Wave hello to me. Crossing the street and I think I see ya. You're picturing it. You're like, this is what I'm trying to, John and Paul had this like fucking really, you

know, they had a relationship that they were just like really in lockstep with each other and i feel like i'm i feel like i'm a paul and a john i'm it feels almost like that you're a john really that's what i am i'm up very see that's why you're not focused on anything i'm trying to write fucking hits okay let's let's just come up with another fucking song how about this one i may not always love you that's a beatle song no it's not it's a fucking beach boy song okay well then i don't want to fine god only knows what i'd be without that all right that's three words which is better than the beatles because they didn't even need the fourth god only knows what i'd be without. That's three words, which is better than the Beatles because they didn't even need the fourth. God only knows what I'd be without.

God only knows. It's too verbose. No, no, no. I mean, get back. That's perfect. That's two. Oh, what about help? That's just one.

I need somebody. Help. Yeah. Oh, and twist and shout, you know, three. Yes. They could all be like a certain amount of words is what I'm trying to figure out. No, I think it has to be less than four is my thing. Interesting.

My favorite deep cut is, it starts with, I've just seen a face I can't forget the time or place where we just met. Is that a deep cut? It's pretty, it's more obscure than the others but i don't even remember what the name fallen yes i am falling and she keeps calling me back again i think it's called i've just seen a face so that one doesn't really do the four rule that one's more of like a full sentence stream of consciousness kind right but again they got so fucking rip roaringly high on drugs at a certain point they were singing about like a fucking green boat or some shit like that it was like this green like

fucking submarine mr pepper lonely club we all live in a yellow sub and that was where they were bottoming out actually sergeant pepper's lonely heart club yeah too many words yeah too many words it's all about that for or less, like, they only created albums in 1967 and 68. Like, you think of, like, their entire fucking musical journey. It was 20 months. Like, they came here. They did the Ed Sullivan thing. They peaked.

They did drugs. They bottomed out. And one of them got assassinated. All within, like, a year and a half, basically. But it was so fucking... I thought John got assassinated all within like like a year and a half basically but it was so fucking i thought john got assassinated like much later okay i don't we obviously don't know enough about the beatles i can already see like my mentions yeah this isn't like about the truth it just i like to say interesting things because if you also don't know a lot then it's kind of interesting to hear me say things that would be fascinating if true.

Whether it's like seven years or like 18 months. What I'm trying to say is the same. That the Beatles, the whole timeline of it is interesting when you think about it. Here comes the sun. How about that one? Comes four. Four, exactly. And that one's really easy because it's not even about a girl.

Love Me Do, three. That one's's really easy because it's not even about a girl. Love me do, three. That one's weird because it says do at the end. Like you didn't need that third word. So it's like love me. All right, great, two words. Well, do. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, they're not perfect.

I think there's like room for us to come in. Here comes the sun is really easy. I could have done that one um really nice shirt really nice shirt how does that like go to you um she's got a face and i'm thinking about her all the time she's got a really nice shirt. It's to the tune of, He really loves me. Yeah. He really loves me. What about when Eminem goes,

Two Trillerbox girls go round the outside, round the outside. Did we quote that in a really early Jake and Amir, actually? Did we? I remember so well, like, just being laughing so hard in the old college humor conference room that i couldn't like i never thought because i said two trailer park girls go around i feel like i say it like i'm saying that you don't know how to freestyle then you tell me to and i say oh yeah let's go around the outside it's i freestyle and i keep launching like drifting into eminem oh yeah that's but i don't know if it's that specific part

or like a different eminem you're like that's eminem like i don't know because i'm like lost in thought maybe it's like mom's spaghetti or something like that uh anyway we are not entirely musicians whether you could tell or not based on what we were able to do just now in 10 15 quick minutes whip out five to ten literal radio hits if we put our minds to it uh we're actually just podcasters advice podcasters this is if i were you the only advice show on the web hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake uh we haven't recorded in so long yeah it's crazy's crazy, right? I don't think, correct me if I'm wrong, but did you have a two on Wordle under your belt when we recorded last? This is like three weeks ago.

Yeah, I don't think I did. But you know what else I didn't have under my belt was an X. Wow. So both have happened. And did the high of the two feel greater than the low of the x i'll tell you what the x i was like it didn't feel like an x because it was one of those that were like it can be like latch batch patch watch yeah it's like and it was random it didn't take skill at that point right it was just like guessing letters and it was like it's either i think it was like cater or later or something like that yeah um oh yeah and that's what it was

and i i was like down i was it was either water or cater yeah i was like it's a coin toss i just have to write i have to do it and i guessed water and it was cater well and then other people would have cheated other people would have cheated. Other people wouldn't have told anybody. And you said, you know what? I'm going for it. And even if I get the X,

I'm going to tell people about it. So that's, there's some admiration in that. Yeah. But then when you went from your, this is what the movie deuce X Machina is about. Actually, it's about getting twos and X's and wordle.

You stuck to it and then you ended up getting a two the other day and then correct me if i'm wrong did you get back to back twos not back to back i think i got it to this week i mean you'd be able to tell because that was the day that i left the world slack it was like monday or tuesday and today's thursday oh yeah it was it was I think it was a Tuesday. Because my sister, Hannah, actually got a two that day as well. And I remember writing, and she had gotten back-to-back twos. She got a two on Monday and a two on Tuesday. And I said, back-to-back twos on a Tuesday.

And then later I did it. Did you leave your family wordle group too? Or was that just a work thing? No, just a work thing. The work thing was making me too competitive. I got too wound up. It wasn't fun. I was like stressed out.

Even when I got that two, I was like, I think that guess I was like, I'd gotten like two greens and a yellow or like two yellows even. And it really didn't seem like there was anything that it could be except for the word there. T-H-E-I-R. Oh, yeah, yeah. I was like, this doesn't make, it didn't seem like a wordle word. And I was like, I really don't think it could be. It's not quite a noun.

It's not a thing. It's just a random word. Although today you just had one yellow. Pull up your one on your phone. I'm very curious. Was the last, was it the first letter? Today? That gave it away.

Like, was your word ended in a C and then it began with a C or something? You know what's funny? I actually, I'll show you my, I'll show you the, I'll show you everything. But I did my Wordle for the first time today on my computer instead of my phone oh did you really yeah and that's when you got the uh that's when you got the two yeah on your computer on my computer that's that's really that's a crazy and you got so lucky too what's why is it different no you got really lucky you got really lucky on the computer was it let's see well sure on your phone you have to redo it now right because

you haven't done it i just redid it yeah but i did do it on the computer okay all right this was my first word you're trembling yes is that not that not so fucking weird? Yeah, because it's not like you knew that it started with a C. You just got a fucking vowel. You narrowed it down to like a thousand words. Yeah. And I was like, I have no fucking clue what it could be. I kept on like thinking.

And my second guess, I was like, I almost wrote trade, which has the E in the same place and an A. And I was like, oh, no, I got to move the E. God, where would it be? And I just made it in the same place and an A. And I was like, oh no, I gotta move the E. God, where would it be? And I just made it in the middle. That's what today's was so much more satisfying. Because it was a reward, a joy, yeah. The other day I was like, I felt like I had gotten so close that I was like,

it's basically sad if I can't get it in two today. A lot of pressure because that was your first try. With chest. Yeah, I was surprised. I was was delighted i didn't think i had a chance yeah and i did from value to chest my god congratulations so you're not retiring you're just sort of you just left the company wordle slack which became too competitive. I do consider myself retired because I didn't play yesterday. I'm not going to play every day. And when I play, I just share it with my family. So there's not really any kind of like competition.

The Slack, the company Slack, Wordle, the Wordle Slack, we started keeping score. Marika has like an active spreadsheet. Yeah, Marika kept score. Don't blame it on me i loved that she did that but it didn't wasn't my idea or anything like that yeah totally but people didn't people embraced it people liked it yeah but i think we were at the very least fake uh um supportive in there like when somebody got a two it it wasn't like, fuck you. I got a four. I was like, congrats. No, right. It wasn't toxic. All of it's on me for the way I kind of like get competitive. But

it just wasn't an environment where I could thrive. And I think I was also playing worse Wordle because of that. As evidenced by today, pressure's off and I've just got a two, you know? Yeah. And then I sent your results to the Wordle Slack since you weren't in there. And Mariko's like, yeah, he already told us about it. So you are still sort of bragging about the good scores still, aren't you? Well, Mariko's in the office and it made sense. All right. Let's take a break.

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This one is just from a guy who says, stop fucking talking about Wordle every episode. Or somebody else asked a pretty interesting wordle question about strategy and whether his fiance is cheating let's answer that um yeah let's do that uh so we'll call this guy um ringo i'm currently in a heated conversation with my fiance about her wordle strategy and as the wordle god i really need your help jake can weigh in two i guess you actually do get a lot of twos it's pretty crazy i got a two the day you got it too but enough about that our argument is over the fact that this lady thinks that it is not cheating if you write down your answers on a piece of paper i think this is totally against the rules i'm over here struggling my ass off but she will write down all her answers down first before guessing she pretty much gets it in two

or three every time i've never written in before but i'm a long-time listener you understand how much this means to me please save my relationship i don't understand like writes down like the words once they're so i didn't quite understand this strategy either as somebody who doesn't write it down until i saw a tiktok where a guy like when he got down to the cater water later thing he's like i'm gonna try to eliminate all the other possible first letters it could be so he starts writing down words with like the possible first letters in there like uh b l c so he's like i'm gonna guess black and that'll show me whether there's a b l or c in the first letter so he's like writing stuff down almost like sudoku style giving himself the options

before he can choose what words to do interesting it's kind of like an advanced technique would you say it's cheating no wait like he's just writing down all of the possible letters yeah like you know when you when you had value and you're like okay uh you thought of chest first and you just went with it uh but in theory you could have written down five words and be like let me maximize which five words i should do and see exactly which road i should go down like maybe chest isn't correct maybe i should do like breast or something like that uh because it'll eliminate these letters and these letters often go with this letter and all this stuff i see i don't think if you work harder at the game that it can be cheating like that that seems like you're just taking it more seriously

you're you're implementing advanced strategy yeah but like i i write words i don't write anything down like physically but like i'll type a word out in wordle and be like that's a possibility type another one that's a possibility and then you don't want to commit yet right those and those are like in my head right i don't understand like the he's saying that like it's cheating if you consider what words you might write down in theory if you were doing like easy mode and you had it down to blank a-t-e-r instead of guessing later cater and water you could have come up with a fifth word that had all three of those letters in it, and then you can exactly know what the sixth guess should have been. So this, I think I get it now.

So he's saying. She's like coming up with. She's writing a bunch of options. Not necessarily. That's just the one that I saw. But she was writing down a bunch of options and then trying to figure out which one to go with from there. So she'd write down a bunch of options and then guess a word that had all of those options. I don't know if that's what she did, but that's just one strategy that I saw online.

I think that's playing without honor. I think that's playing without honor i don't i think that's playing easy that's playing true easy mode i'm i'm someone that hasn't switched on hard mode but i auto play hard mode and i think that's that's playing the gentleman's wordle the gentleman's way and you're playing the coward's way yeah i don't think i think that you can't share that and be like yeah i got i got it because you i mean technically it's not cheating but it's playing on easy mode which is if she's playing on easy mode but what if she's doing that if she's doing it on hard mode you'll know that's fine you're allowed to use tools at your disposal like that like writing down cheating let me come up with five words that could possibly be for the

third guess and then input it officially rather than, oh, I just thought of the first one. It could be, let me just put it right. Right. Yeah. I think coming up with a list of words in your head is perfectly legal strategy. I wouldn't even suggest that everybody go with the first word they think of. I mean, I often do. Right. I don't think that's good strategy, and I don't think it would be cheating if someone didn't do that. Yeah. And if you should write down those words, that's not necessarily cheating either. That's right. Okay. So, our ruling is that your fiance, unfortunately

for you, is not cheating. And ultimately, she is getting more twos and threes than you. Proof is in the pudding, I guess. Sorry. Here's someone whose relationship isn't going quite as well as that. Okay. We'll call him John. Love it. Because he might be dating a Yoko, if you know what I mean.

Oh, dear. By the way, I thought of the song that I really like, and it's Carry That Weight. Boy, you've got to carry that weight. Carry that weight. Yeah. Carry that weight a long time. Yeah, that's good. My relationship is going so rough that I want my girlfriend to cheat on me. So when we break up, she's the one in the wrong.

How can I convince my girlfriend to cheat on me so we can break up p.s i know i should just break up with her but years and years of manipulative behavior spelled the british way so maybe he is john uh finds me at a loss when talking to her about us huh have you ever felt that where it's like i this relationship is over but i want that other person to break up with me. That way, don't get the guilt and I get the freedom. Definitely. You're looking for the easy out, the free pass. I've thought, I've wished for this myself. Absolutely.

Because you don't want to have the difficult. I mean, I think I did it more because I was a coward, less because I was in a toxic relationship that I was being manipulative or manipulated. I think the, what people usually do is like, I was being manipulative or manipulated. I think the, what people, what people usually do is like, I'm just going to start being a bad person so that this other person has to break up with me. It's like,

sorry, let me break up plans. Sorry. Let me be indifferent towards you. And if you want to break up with me, then yeah, that's your problem. You did it.

So it's just like, yeah, I'm going to be kind of a dickling to you until you can't handle it anymore just like me but instead of being um the better person and breaking up you should you should do it for me yeah which is that's like the ultimate worst thing you can do i think right that's that's the way where you that's like um that's even worse than what she's been doing basically. Right. Yeah. I think, and yeah, you can't like,

I don't know. It's, she's not going to cheat on you. So you have to, you do have to break. He already knew, he already knows what he has to do. He's,

but yeah, you have to break up with her. And unfortunately you do have to break up. What about a service that allows you to pay for other people to hopefully cheat but yeah you have to break up with her and unfortunately you do have to break up what about a service that allows you to pay for other people to hopefully cheat on like you hire a really handsome man to hook up with your lady or handsome lady to hook up with your man that way you have the easy out or something like that is there a business plan there um i mean i feel like that exists like they there's they those things definitely exist they like

i don't know those weird private eyes to like i feel like it's more for like really jealous types though it's like i need to yeah try to lure track yeah or what if you hire a private eye so handsome that the lady falls in love with them i feel feel like the tricky... Does that ever happen? Probably. In a film? I mean, this is another fucking great movie we could write. And we could write the soundtrack for it because it's actually not that hard. Like, oh, love me secret. Love me secret.

That's love me do. Right. Okay. How about secret? What about... Our secret love. That's good. Our secret love is good. But what about, listen, do you want to know about secret? What about our secret love? That's good. Our secret love is good.

But what about, listen, do you want to know a secret? Do you promise not to tell? That is really good. Did you just come up with that? That one's a real Beatles song, unfortunately. But I'm saying something like that, yeah. Something exactly, I mean, not exactly like that. Do you want to know a lie instead of a secret or something like that?

That's not bad. I mean, how many people know that one? I would wonder. Right. What about a movie where nobody knows the Beatles and then so you can come up with a song and suddenly you're the guy that came up with the Beatles? What about a movie where nobody knows about the movie that they wrote where no one knew about the Beatles? I think we pitched that. Haven't we talked?

It sounds oddly familiar too. Yeah, I was like, what was the name of that joked about this like how we if if we lived suddenly in a world where the beatles didn't exist we wouldn't be able to capitalize on it at all uh it's a fine song you're singing sucks and you don't know how to write the music so we're just gonna listen to the rolling stones there's i know there's seven but it's kind of an interesting spin on it ow um here's what i would tell this guy to do just imagine that she cheated on you and break up on her as such so you then that'll help you convince you know down to the accusation or no you, I'm sorry, but I can't be with you.

And then, you know, like that's what you might say if somebody cheated on you. It's like, you know, why? It's like, I can't forgive you for what you did, but not very specific. But actually, like, and, you know, maybe she'll think that you're thinking about the manipulation that you've been suffering. But actually, you're thinking about the faux cheating in your head how about that for the song but really what you're trying to do is make it so she she has no ground to stand on when she's trying to convince you to not break up that's that's you're trying to make make it so she's done something unforgivable where she can't come to you and ask for forgiveness because it's not possible.

But just make sure that instead of cheating, that the ultimate crime is all that you've suffered already. Actually, I think this is why people cheat in general, where it's like the guy should just cheat because that's why you start looking for other stuff, and then you get in trouble, and then they break up with you. Is that any worse than trying to get the other person to cheat? Almost less manipulative, if you think about it. I don't know. But I think they're, I mean, they're both really, really bad. They're probably tied for really, really being bad,

because those are both, those are two traumatic experiences to put someone through just because you're too afraid to like stick to your guns in a conversation. And I think that ultimately you have to take the responsibility. Unfortunately for you, there's probably ways that you can psych yourself up to do it. Are you sad that you are kind of in a reality where you i mean i don't want to say never but might never break up with somebody ever again like that experience is behind you forever yeah no i don't think i will miss that at all breaking up is uh not fun but i guess you can it's it's not fun to hire a contractor that sort of gives you the same thrill yeah because it's what it's about though is the euphoria and freedom that you feel afterwards

so definitely think about that like so it has to be bad because it leads to such good yeah it's not fun to break up with somebody but it's fun to wake up the next day and feel like i'm a new person this is right this is good the world is full of possibilities there's a basketball coach who was like i think it was the son's coach who said this is really hard but it's supposed to be hard because everything you want is on the other side of hard so like breaking up is hard to do which actually is a really good song and i don't even know if he said or if i just misheard it in a way that i now i'm the quotes owner but i would be like wait you everything you want is on the other side of hard this one's more of like a guns and roses star rock right yeah

yeah i feel like you're the genre is everything so everything you want to do is on the other side of hard you also said breaking up is hard to do which i think is already a song that one's a song that one is a song but i'm coming up with a new one what's hard is to create a new song because all the songs are sort of taken that like after a few notes you just sort of drift into that's my question like if you're writing a song how do you make sure that it's never there's only seven fucking chords i'm sure it's all been done but it's all been done that's one right there's another one yeah but you go c g uh d back to g you know right and like that's been done but like the way you sing it is different like the way that i i would those chords, you know, no problem.

C, G, D, G. Awesome combo right there. And then you have to come up with new words. Yeah, everything you want is on the other side of hard. Yeah, done. So like now what? It's a little long. It's like, why don't we say.

Other side of hard. Other side of hard. Yeah, okay, great. So like I'll be there. I'll see you on the other side of heart. Yeah, okay, great. So like, I'll be there. I'll see you. On the other side of heart. Yeah, exactly. So like, it's all about.

On the other side of heart. Don't try to sing over me because you can't really harmonize. It's kind of like, so C, G, then down to D. And then here we go. On the other side of heart. Yeah, not even close. But you get the kind of the pond. Yeah. Not even close, but you get kind of the vibe. Do you have an axe?

Like, I feel like we might need to, at the very least, commit it to a podcast. That way we have, like, kind of copyright ownership claim towards this tune. Totally. All right, so I have, I do, there's a guitar in the other room that's missing a string, and it's untuned.

But I feel like that's going to be. That might even make it, like, an an original i'll be right back yeah actually let's take a break and you come back we'll have the guitar and then we can fucking jam out with our cam out great that's like yeah that's when i jerk off on a camera oh all right don't do don't do the rock and roll horns after that. So small. Oh, no. Limp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one,

first stop, one stop shop. Yeah, it's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly.

And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

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And Jake got his fucking what is that a strat a fender strat it is a fender yeah i don't know i don't think it's a stratocaster because it's an acoustic that's really cool okay all right so this is just we're gonna start trying to get something down like this is how it is you just sort of riff you just have to fuck around this is what get back was yeah and so the guitar is broken yeah so it's on it's it hasn't been tuned in a long time and um it's missing uh the i believe it's the e string so i see this isn't the e is the top and the bottom one right right so it's the high the high The lowest string is missing. Right, yeah. The highest pitch, lowest one. Okay.

But that's okay. So this is what C sounds like on this guitar. Okay. Yeah. Not great. G is bad because, you know, I can't, I don't have that D string. The E, yeah. The E string, yeah. The D is going to be worse because...

Oh. But it could also maybe, you know, that's... It could be about that. Right. My broken guitar or something like that. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Kind of like, my guitar is broken.

Yeah, obviously. So is my heart. That's good. Okay. And then everything you want is on the other side of heart. All right. Yeah. Which So is my heart. That's good. Okay. And then everything you want is on the other side of heart. All right. Yeah, but that's okay. It's a little too country, because everything you want is on the other side of heart.

This is when the crowd all sings with you. Yeah. On the other side of heart. On the other side of heart. On the other side of heart. That's really good. Everything that you could want is on the other side of heart. Something kind of like. Right.

And it doesn't have to be good yet because like a Dr. Luke type will style it up and like auto tune it in a way that makes it sound good. On the other side of heart. pile it up and like auto tune it in a way that makes it sound good. It's kind of like dark side of the moon, but about every, how everything you want, like a better guitar is on the other side of hard. So like, it's always a little bit hard.

Yeah. What about Boulevard as a rhyming word? Oh, that's not bad. Yeah. On the other side of hard. Down the Boulevard. On the other side of hard. Yeah. On the other side of hard Across the boulevard On the other side of hard

That's cool And then it pulls out And you're like on hard street or something Difficult boulevard and hard street And then you're talking about And I can't park my car And I can't play my card My guitar

Because the guitar's broken On the other side of hard. Yeah. We should do a three-part, nine-hour documentary about two complete morons riffing and making an album. Ultimately really sucks. So that would be one of the songs on the other side of the heart did i text you uh a few weeks ago that we should write a pop punk album

yeah but and i'm like as a joke you're like no kind of a real one right yeah i want to write i think it'd be really fun to write an earnest pop punk album. Right. That's just kind of like. And I sort of want to make a Get Back style mock you, mock you, rock you mentory. I would do that too. I'm all for us doing something stupid and not creative. For a long time. For a long time.

Because it would be kind of nice. Is Get Back black and white? Huh? Yeah. Is Get Back black and white? It's in black and white. Yeah. So that'll make it easier.

And there's also a lot of funny, like, you know, like just cameos of other musicians, producers, all that stuff. So we could have like. Improvisers come in. Friends and headgun podcasters. Yeah. Like it. They walk in and they're like into it or not.

And then doing like a talking head thing. I guess it'd be funny if they're all really into it in the room and then it cuts to their testimonial and they're all scared, disinterested and disappointed in how the process is going. Because they also funded this thing and it's not going well, obviously. And this is the kind of dumb thing that we can do now because we have videographers and editors at HeadGum. We're free from needing to pitch this to anybody to give us cash to make it. Yeah, we just can't say, like, this is on Netflix or Hulu.

It can't come with any, like, prestige because no one's going to pay us to do it. Yeah, we'll just put it on YouTube. It'll be a two-hour long fucking rock-you-mock-you memory that we put on. I guess we can always say it's on Netflix, but you can watch it on YouTube for free. And then people just won't. They'll probably just not watch it on Netflix. By the way, I really think we should make it punk because I think I can actually write punk songs.

Oh, really? In addition to that. Right, well, I can't write a Beatles song, but I can actually write a punk song. Well, there are still slow punk songs too, right? Like there's like, every punk album has like the 10 punk songs and then like the slow song, right? Yeah. And that's the kind of song I could definitely write.

Like acoustic punk songs. Yeah. We'd be, yeah, game over. It'd be golden. Yeah. All right, cool. I guess we should still do this podcast though, because just in case that one isn't necessarily our ticket out of here. I think that's fair.

This one's about flying, which I think you have a lot, a lot of opinions on. What was this one about? Flying. Flying. Oh, yes. I certainly do. Paul George. George.

We haven't talked about George that much. George, who I think wrote, at the very least performed, I got my mind set on you, which might be like the best Beatles song. That's not an actual Beatles song. Right. That's just a George Harrison song. Original. Killed it. Congrats.

So George writes, I'm on a month-long work trip overseas, and because of COVID restrictions around the world, I constantly thought it best to fly my wife and daughter to meet me in the States so we could have Christmas together in New York this year. We could use a chance to have the holiday experience, though I'm working on and off. And here's the issue. The people paying for my flight have booked me on a business class from Europe and my wife and daughter on economy.

This is the first time I've ever flown business for work. So I was excited about it for five seconds. And then I immediately felt guilty. They're stuck in economy while I'm drinking champagne on a bed. That's not fair. Should I swap my wife and daughter? Sorry, should I swap with my wife and daughter or daughter? Or do I downgrade my ticket and hang out with them or do i take my assigned seat and try to not feel guilty take i know what you want to do because of the language assigned to seat i mean it is assigned i don't know if i'm even allowed to swap i'll talk to the pilot if i can get his ear there's a middle middle seat. It doesn't even sound that close to you.

It sounds like I'm actually closer in distance. I think assignment wise, I don't know. It feels pretty rigid. Because your flight was free, which is obviously the best. I have a free upgrade, which is like not that. I'm jealous of you, basically, because you got the free flight. I just got an upgrade. And you get to be with the family back here.

You too? Dang, I hope you don't talk too much about me. Let's switch in half. Then you fall asleep, obviously, because you're wasted on the 180 bed. And then you end up switching maybe 90 minutes before you land. And then you're like, ah, my back kind of hurts. This is a tough one to give up because it's a Euro flight. It's a Euro business.

If it's a regional, if it's like Dulles to regional if it's like dullest to philly or something that's okay not that big of an upgrade right nothing but yeah you're going transatlantic that's that's a good one have you ever experienced this specifically you flying with jill and they upgrade you and not her like you have status and she doesn't necessarily. Have you ever gotten the upgrade instead? Yes, multiple times. And I've never ever taken it for myself. Wow, you always give it to her or you say no thank you? I always give it to her.

There was one time actually when we were flying back to get married, we were flying back the weekend before our wedding and i tried to like use my like i got like four upgrades a year or whatever and i tried to use them both to upgrade us to first class so we could go out in style um but only i got upgraded and she didn't so i tried to make her take the upgrade and she wouldn't do it and we had to just we just gave it to a random guy that was sitting next to her and i was like do you want to go sit in first class my my wife won't do that my wife won't do or my fiance won't do it wow he was like oh okay and

then he went and then like the flight attendants heard what I did and then they brought us champagne. You were just mad at Jill for not taking it. Thank you. I was like, I want to sit next to this guy. Actually, get the guitar. Really? We already used three chords, so there's not a lot left but i'm thinking we could do something with like f yeah again the guitar is broken and out of tune so it's a little hard to get into it yeah yeah that's tough so but f f c a minor g maybe yeah

that's cool that's so bad yeah something about upgrading yourself go upgrade yourself have it to your own you can be up there leave me back here on the floor or something like that or it it's like, yeah, knock yourself out, go and treat you well. Yeah. Leave me on the, leave me here on the floor is pretty good. That's that punk energy that I want.

And then like, leave me on the floor. Yeah. You're in first class and my ass is in grass because if this plane crashes it won't matter who died last or something like that because like technically yeah because she's gonna die first because he's like if it head down you know into the ground technically she dies a split second before you yeah if this plane goes down it won't matter because my life already crashed something like that yeah because like she died and they're like,

what's there worth living for? Oh, no. You could like throw in some other plane stuff. So like turbulence in my heart. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no, I survived. Isn't this sort of what happened to Travis Barker?

Did he survive a fatal plane crash? I believe he did. He fucked up. I almost want to pitch it to his ass, but that would be so out of the blue. Yeah. I don't think Travis would be into it. Yeah. Well, I did have that alien song for Tom, but my heart's kind of set on the Travis one now.

And then there's Mark. What's Mark's thing? If one of them sort of survived a plane crash, the other one believes in extraterrestrial life. Mark is just kind of more like normal and cool, but I think he has cancer. Oh, yeah. I think he beat cancer. Oh, he beat it? Great. Yeah. Surviving. I guess they're all survivors in a way. Respect. You sat next to Mark at a hockey game once, so it could be about that.

That's right. Did we talk about that? I think we did. Yeah, all the time. Yeah, a lot you talked about it. I didn't know if I talked about it on the podcast. It's a special night. You must have been so fucking absolutely starstruck did you

know that you were sitting next to him or you just sat down you're like holy shit that's mark office i don't yeah no i did not know i did not know then he was there then we like made small talk and i thought that was really fucking cool because I was like, this guy doesn't know that I love him and we're just chatting and it's casual. And I like made him laugh with a joke. And then at one point I felt comfortable enough to tell him that I was a huge fan and then the conversation sort of died after that.

But then later he found out that I worked at College Humor. Yeah, but then he found out I worked at College Humor and he like kind of warmed back up to me. So he had heard of that. Yeah, he had heard of it. And I think he ended up eventually later doing a College Humor video, though I had nothing to do with it. He, Blink-182, did a College Humor video?

I think just Mark Hoppus did. Wow, and you had nothing to do with it? What was it? I don't know. I think it was one of those Streeter songs or something. Oh, right, like about how he doesn't like his think it was like a i think it was like one of those like streeter songs or something oh right like about how he doesn't like his dad or something like that yeah i think i thought it was like something about being a drummer but i'm not entirely sure nobody cares about the oh i think it was like nobody cares about the bassist is he a bassist mark hoppuses

yeah yeah he's kind of the most famous bassist in a way, because they usually don't let the guy with the bass sing lead, right? Yeah. Well, what about Flea? What about Flea? The guy from Starting Line was also a bassist. Actually, get the guitar. What about Flea? Three more strings, Frank.

I'll get the guitar, but we're running out of chords. By the end of this documentary, your guitar should have one string left and it's falling apart. We have nothing to show for ourselves. I never ever tuned it. It took seven hours, but we finally destroyed a guitar. I'm going to restring and tune my guitar for next time. Okay, so we can have it. It's hard to do it over Zoom

Because while I sing I can't hear the guitar Yeah definitely We have to save it for in the studio We should get one in the studio That's what we should do An exclusive Alright sweet that's it Thanks for writing in

Thanks for the theme song That inspired an entire song episode. Although it was brewing just because of our creative juices seemed to be overflowing recently. That's right. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, you can send them all down to ifiweryoushowatgmail.com. Indeed.

Opening theme song, Same as the Last, which is written by Elias. It's the beatles parody um it's kind of cool we were doing beatles parodies the entire time it's like oh yeah i forgot like this one was also pretty good in addition to the ones we came up with so right yeah i feel like the three of us actually could really the three beatles they should call us yeah that'd be cool the three-dles dope is that? Who says no to that? And if you want some more of us, we're making videos. We're watching Jake and Amir episodes on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA.

Yeah, that's right. I was going to say Jake and Amir, but that's not true. Right. And of course, we will be back next week, as always, forever. See you soon. Ciao. Namaste. Namaste.aste goodbye and good night beatles spent like a bad amount of money recording a song that's not good right not necessarily not at all you're watching

me if i were you sure well you know they're gonna to give you some advice. That was a Hiddem original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this?

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