Segments - 534: Chase Bieber

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

In this episode we discuss being rejected, acceptance, and tricking yourself into joy. Download the IMPACT by Interactive Brokers app today and use code IFIWEREYOU to get $30 of stock credit! Note: The podcast ad for the IMPACT app is unscripted and being recorded live. It may contain some slight differences. Please visit https://impact.interactivebrokers.com/ for full details of products and services. Interactive Brokers, LLC member FINRA/SIPC. The projections or other information generated by IMPACT app regarding the likelihood of various investment outcomes are hypothetical in nature, do not reflect actual investment results and are not guarantees of future results. Please note that results may vary with use of the tool over time. The paid ad host experiences and testimonials within the Podcast may not be representative of the experiences of other customers and are not to be considered guarantees of future performance or success. The opinions provided within the ad belong to the host alone.   Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money get the five dollar meal deal today prices and participation may vary for a limited time only I found my ex on OnlyFans, it's not good She's wearing my grandma's bracelet while guys touch their wood She said she lost it, I don't know what to do I need you to say, what should I say?

Hey! I get drunk, wake up, I want to kill Myself inside of a Starbucks still I feel like you can feel the way i feel wow oh i wanted that song to go on forever. There's still three more minutes. Really? Crank it.

Crank it. Move the table. Fucking dance. I want to break dance. I want to take Molly. In a minute. That was a Bieber parody, actually. Yeah.

Yeah, interesting. There's a Bieber song called Stay. Yeah, I think I know that one i like bieber now i yeah he really had a great transformation yeah he was sort of a twerpy kid and then he got turned into this like very thoughtful talented adult well i like one less lonely girl so that's when he was six okay oh yeah he's great actually he's always been really talented. I watched the documentary on him. Even, like, as a five-year-old, he's, like, drumming pretty well.

Yeah, definitely. Definitely. And now I'm worried that he's, like, either more jacked than me or hotter than me or, like, happier. Why are you worried about that now? He was always all three of those things. Not when he was 13. Jacked, hotter, and happier. And I was, yeah.

Yeah, because when he was 13, you were like 23 or something. Yeah. And you were very, very slender as a 23-year-old. No. Your shoulders were the same size as your waist. Right. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah.

You were a pencil man. Exactly. I was parallel. A stick figure. Yes, exactly. That's right. But then when he got jacked, it was already too late for me to catch up. Right.

There was a time where you beefed up a little bit, but not as much as... But Beeper was light years ahead of you in terms of weight, hotness. What if you had it all with nobody to call? Then you're feeling lonely. Low. Ew. Is that a song that you're making up or is it a Bieber song? It's a Bieber song.

Okay. It's called Lonely. Yeah. And I was just saying that he has a great voice, but it's nothing that I can't do. You proved immediately when you started singing that it was something you couldn't do. You shouldn't have sung one of his songs that he's better at singing than you are. Okay. Don't compare yourself to him.

It's night and day. There's no comparison. It's still different hours of the fucking clock. It's not like night and day are more similar than like night and pickle. You're unattractive. Okay. You're underweight. You're unattractive. Okay. You're underweight. You're not hot.

You can't sing. And you're actually pretty unhappy because of all of those things. So I feel like trying to play catch up with Justin Bieber is you're destined to fail there. Look at your face right now. Does this look like a guy who's happy? No. Why don't we make a change? Let's not Chase Bieber. Let's be your own guy. Actually, Chase Bieber would be a pretty cool name for me to have. I'd be happier. Hey, Chase. Chase Bieber. People would have to think I'm related.

Related. Yeah. And maybe that is better because then you'll stop comparing yourself to him and you'll just be your own Chase Bieber who does his own thing. My name is Chase Bieber because I chase Bieber. Actually, we're recording this again in studio live. That's right. Not really live. You guys can watch it so you can also see my face when Jake says, look at your face. That's right. If you guys want, you can watch this on YouTube.

What is the YouTube for this thing? I think it's our show's YouTube channel. If I Were You? Yeah. Show YouTube? If you search like, If I Were You, we'll call this episode Chase Bieber. Nice. And then so people will be able to search, If I Were You, Chase Bieber.

And then you can find the channel, other videos we've done. Sometimes we're over Zoom. Other times we're in a freaking room together. Yeah. This is better. Would you say this is better? This is a lot better, yeah. Yeah.

No delay. You don't have to worry about Zoom lag. Right. Setting up drone microphones to just sit here and talk. Yeah. Sad and lonely recording on Zoom in your house, for sure. Exactly. For sure.

That was a theme song written by Pete Bradford, and he has a story about the three of us. Let's see if you remember this, because I don't. I have nothing to plug, but I do have a funny short story involving the three of us. In another lifetime, you guys were interviewing me over Zoom to be an audio engineer at HeadGum. At the end of the interview, you asked me how I thought the podcast compared to other podcasts that I listened to. I thought you were talking about audio quality instead of how much I liked the show. So I said, honestly, it's not as bad as the Joe Rogan podcast or anything, but it definitely has room to improve. I received very astonished and confused faces from the both of you.

And then he has a laughing emoji because he's over it. This has been and will always be my favorite casted pod. Interesting. I feel like that question was about our audio. And maybe the astonished look was because we didn't know Joe Rogan had a podcast back then. No, this was like during, if we were interviewing him over Zoom, this would have been during the pandemic. I guess it was. But we also conducted audio engineer interviews like back when we started HeadGum.

And they were like, I think we also did them virtually. Oh, really? We've done virtual interviews for a long time. Maybe just as using the term Zoom. Right, and it was like a Google Hangout. Yeah, because we haven't conducted an audio engineer interview, you and I, for a long time. Yeah, because we haven't conducted an audio engineer interview, you and I,

for a long time. Right. Yeah. Does this ring a bell at all? No. No. Not at all. I mean, I remember,

if this is the search where we ended up hiring either Chris or Carly, then yes, I remember like, I remember a bunch of people like, I remember interviewing them.

Like literally from like 2016. Yeah, but I don't remember, there was, literally from, like, 2016 or something. Yeah, but I don't remember. There was definitely not anybody that, like, lost the job with a single answer. Like, this guy remembers. Right. This is this guy's dead eyes moment. He remembers it very vividly and just sort of, I can't quite remember.

But I guess this did happen. I mean, he has quotes. He quoted himself and us. But those are quotes from memory, so it's not necessarily inherently biased. Astonished look. I don't recall. Well, Pete, we did the Stay parody, the Justin Bieber parody. So in a way, we're working together after all.

Send us your resume, man. And I can't believe Joe Rogan, the guy from fucking Suddenly Susan, has a podcast. Joe Rogan was on Suddenly Susan? News Radio. Maybe Suddenly Susan has a podcast. Joe Rogan was on Suddenly Susan? News Radio. Maybe Suddenly Susan too. Do you guys know? News Radio. We've got producers live now.

Now we don't Google shit. We just ask other people to do it. It was a workplace situation comedy to be sure. And I think, yeah, I think it was News Radio. Interesting. It had more to do with what we're doing now. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. We should get him on. What's he up to? He's one of the most influential podcasters in the world. How do you like to be on Chase Bieber's show? How'd you like to talk to Chase Bieber about how you went from sitcoms? I bet we would be able to get a lot more guests if we said, hey, will you be a guest on Chase Bieber's podcast?

My new name. All right. This is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the web. I'll be Justin. Excuse me. I'll be Justin Hurwitz. Okay. Isn't that the guy who wrote La La Land?

Yeah, maybe. But it doesn't matter. Okay. That's why you chose him. But I Yeah, maybe. But it doesn't matter. Okay. That's why you chose him. But I'll be Justin Rice. It doesn't matter. Because the email says, will you be on Chase Bieber's podcast along with his buddy Justin? And then you'll kind of assume.

And actually, me and you, we're kind of like brothers at this point. His brother Justin. Chase Bieber's podcast with his brother, Justin. And they don't know that my name is Justin Rice. So what's the goal? To get a guest in here and they'll be sorely disappointed? I hadn't thought of it like that far ahead. Yeah, if Rogan shows up here, we'll suddenly talk to him.

He's like, who are you guys? And I'm like, oh, I'm Chase Bieber. I'm Justin Rice okay now I'm sort of in a sour mood and we're talking why is he in a sour mood

because he thought he was talking to Bieber yeah well that's on him not on us we still conduct the interview we'll still have a nice time and then the downloads go up

yeah yeah okay now you can introduce the show if I were you. Only Advice Podcast on the web, hosted by us. I'm Chase. I'm Justin.

We are reading real emails from real folks. If you got your own questions, send them on down too. It's the same email as always, if I were you, show at gmail.com. Got some fucking crazy ones actually. Let's go.

One lady in Canada is wondering what the statute of limitations is on rejection. And you get rejected earlier on in your life. Can you go for it again? Or is that rejection a lifetime sentence? I'm going to say it depends on the rejection just off the cuff without hearing any of the context. Okay, here's the context. Let's hear it. We'll call this lady, Lindsay Vaughn, who I think is like a skier. I'm hoping from Canada. Totally. The winter before the pandemic, I was into a friend of mine. We were flirting a bit. Then I kissed him at a party. However, after a few weeks, he soundly rejected me, saying he's not looking to date anyone and he doesn't want to go forward with the flirtation.

That's fine. No problem. I moved on. I don't want to go forward with the flirtation. Enough is enough. I don't even want to have a clever conversation with you right now. That's right. Don't even touch my shoulder while you laugh at a joke of mine. Then the pandemic starts. He goes back to his hometown for months. We don't talk. I finish school. He comes back, becomes an integral part of my friend group. And now, wouldn't you know, we're flirting again. I've gotten much closer, basically cuddling while watching movies, spending a lot of time together, etc. So here's the question. He hasn't made a move. And I feel like when I do it again, it will be rejected just like last time.

What's the statute of limitations on rejected? Should I go for it again, even though it feels like a similar setup to our last situation? Or am I off the hook and I should just wait for him to quit being a goddamned coward? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Well, okay. Okay. So this, I don't think this was like as soundly or this is like the most

normal type of rejection that you can come back from. That this person's not ready for a relationship. Not ready. And then they've taken, I mean, if it was pre-pandemic, it's like two years. Yep. A lot has possibly changed.

The only issue I see is that I'm not ready for a relationship is a great sounding rejection for somebody that just doesn't want to hook up with you. Yeah, but then why would he cuddle again two years later? Guys do dumb shit like that all the time. Interesting. Yeah. Even 22-year-olds. Yeah, especially. again two years later guys do dumb shit like that all the time interesting yeah even 22 year olds yeah especially so i'm not saying the door is closed but i'm i wouldn't necessarily i guess i'm saying i wouldn't have necessarily trusted his initial reason for not wanting to pursue the flirtation does that make sense right but don't you feel like a little bit pre-pandemic

is a reset? Like, the world is different now. Everybody's different now. A lot of more people are sick or dead. And so maybe his thoughts about dating are different. Actually, yeah, the population of the world has gone, it's lower. So it's not like quite I'm the last man on earth, but it's definitely closer

than it was. For sure. Yeah. Wow. That's a good question. Is population growing so fast and rapidly that it's outweighed the amount of people who have died from the pandemic? Or are there less people on earth now than there were two years ago? I'm going to go ahead and say that the population is growing faster. Than the pandemic is killing. Just because, you know, I'm going to guess randomly, but I also did study anthropology at Yale. So I feel like I kind of have like a good sense of humanity, culture.

So how fast is population growing? One every freaking millisecond. How about that? Bing, bing, bing, bing. A thousand babies just born just now. But then someone dies every other second. So, or no, a thousand people die every other second. So then you have to...

Wait, no. I'm trying to remember my... I defended my thesis and I'm trying to remember... Your thesis was about basic algebra? How many people are born and die every second? Every millisecond. A thousand milliseconds every second.

You don't know. I don't know anything. All I'm saying is the population is definitely more now than pre-pandemic. Yeah, I would guess so too. Which means I think we're due for another big boy, like all this shit. Like I want that Station 11 shit. I feel like I hear Casey typing to see if we're right. And I'm curious to check in and find out. Would you

Yeah, I guess you can search how many people are born every year. Are you guys checking? Anya's checking. She's checking. You're just erasing a woman's voice. Sorry, I didn't know where the fucking sound was coming from. 140 million

babies born every year. 140 million babies born every year? 140 million babies born every year? Oh, yeah, that's way more than how many have died. How many does that break out to every second? I'm sorry, Anya, but I respect your work. So you have to do 140 million divided by 365, divided by 24, divided by 60. 526,800 minutes. Oh, yeah.

That's how many, what? What is that number? I don't know what the actual number is. It's 500,000. 525,600 minutes. That's how many in a year, right? In a year, yeah. So that's minutes in a year.

But I don't actually know if that's 100% the lyrics to that song. Right. 525,600 minutes. Actually, this is more important. Can we look up the lyrics? Actually, who wrote Rent? Actually. Jonathan Larson.

I actually watched Tick, Tick, Boom recently, and I know this now. So that movie is about the guy who wrote Rent? Yes. It's like his one-man show or his show that he wrote about himself before Rent called Tick, Tick, Boom. Why is that a film to be made? It was just another show of his his show that he wrote about himself before rent called tick tick boom why is that a film to be made like it was just another show of his and so they wanted to make a movie about the guy who made rent and the show that he made that play about his own life i see and that was like it was a show so they turned that show into a movie a movie got it so it's relevant because he eventually wrote rent and yeah so the movie's not about him like writing Tick, Tick, Boom.

The movie is the movie adaptation of the play Tick, Tick, Boom. Right. The movie is the movie adaptation of the play Tick, Tick, Boom. But Tick, Tick, Boom is kind of a self-biography, an autobiography about him writing Tick, Tick, Boom. I see. So he's writing songs that he's singing but they're happening on a stage but like the play

is about him writing the song and how is Garfield in it great incredible yeah his voice is amazing

kind of like in Rent how there's that song one song Glory where he's like writing the song about writing a song I see it's like a kind of

meta that way yeah he's like I'm trying to write the best song ever Glory how many babies are born every second? 4.5.

4.5 babies born every second. Not bad. I wasn't that far off. What did I say? A thousand? You said a thousand. You're off by several orders of magnitude. It's been a minute since I studied anthropology. It's been 525 since I studied anthropology. It's been 525,000, yeah, 600 minutes. I don't know if I mentioned that I didn't actually graduate from there and I defended my thesis, much to my dishonor and discredit on the day. Much to your chagrin, right?

Yeah. Moving all the way back to Lindsey Vonn. Right. Go for it again. What if you do like the half go for it? So you guys are cuddling on the couch and you just lean in to talk to his like mouth even closer. Then it's like, you can't reject me. I didn't even try to kiss you. I'm just an inch away from your nose.

Yeah. I mean, I think the door is obviously open because a lot has changed. Definitely. It wasn't as like, it wasn't a rejection based on you or your character. It's what he was going through. So it's, it can happen. I wonder though, like you do have to, she has to decide if she wants to put herself out there or not. And I feel like it's, it's trending towards he's going to make a move if you just keep on the steady course and then you could theoretically, you know, not have to put yourself out there. Meet him halfway. Yeah. Both literally and metaphorically. That said,

like all the signals are there. And if you lean in to kiss him and he rejects you, I don't think that's like a bad reflection of her. That's just. He's sort of being a bad person because he's cuddling. Yeah. But, you know, some people like to cuddle. I don't know. I just think it's all.

This is all fine. Yeah. You might hook up and you might get another polite rejection. Because I think even he would know that if you tried to kiss him, he was flirting and cuddling with you. So it's not like that's on him. Order. I think we've said this before that cuddling is almost more like intimate than kissing. Yeah.

Because with cuddling, the surface area that you're touching is almost your entire body. For sure. Kissing is just lips. Yeah. Well, and tongue. Yeah. If necessary. Anding is just lips. Yeah, well, and tongue. Yeah, if necessary. And teeth if you do it right. That's really cool. Chase Bieber style

kissing involves... That's all teeth and tongue. No lips. Could you possibly do an all teeth kiss without any lip or tongue? Yeah, like tooth on tooth because you can't really get an angle. I guess I can,

if I put the top of my top teeth against your bottom teeth, we can like clink almost like glasses. It wouldn't be intimate because it'd have to be pretty precise. But yeah, I think we could, I think we could, I think we could probably do something

in a way that was just a teeth knock. A tooth to tooth without anything else touching. Yeah, with nothing else touching. I feel like your teeth would have to come out of your mouth because it's located within the garage of my head. We did it Spider-Man style, speaking of Andrew Garfield,

where your head is upside down and your top teeth are kind of bared and I just go down and I bite them. Yeah, I could do that. And this is a video podcast now so we could almost like maybe in the second act.

Yeah. Okay, let's take a break. Thanks to some sponsors to come back and sort of figure out the physics of how we could Spider-Man tooth kiss within the confines

of the studio because I'd have to almost dangle against one of these lights. These lights are bolted up. Yeah, I could do like a almost like a swing set style monkey bars. Yeah, if we get like one of these lights. These lights are bolted up. Almost like a swing set style monkey bars.

If I go full XLR cables, I can be fully upside down. I fall and hang myself. You guys don't do anything. Stand back. Stay back. Close your eyes and say goodnight sweet prince and then bite your top

teeth. As I finally pass out, you slap me Will Smith style. Let's take a break. We'll be back soon enough. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o! DraftKings. The NFL

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a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson in the fire. Mom, I'm coming.

Gross. Actually, yes. Mom, I'm coming. Mom, I'm humming. Interesting. My advice is to hum, folks. Hum. Hum.

That's right. For example. Hum. Hum. Hum. Interesting. My advice is to hum, folks. Hum. That's right. For example? Hum. Whatever. It doesn't have to be anything. And why is that good to do? Well, I'll tell you.

I was learning about the vagus nerve. It's a big nerve that runs from your skull to your spine, basically. Yours is exposed. Yeah. Yeah. Like a stegosaurus. I think that's not the nerve, though. You have some sort of goiter.

I think I might have even talked about this on the show before. But like a friend of mine had like a video where she kind of like showed all these different ways to like stimulate the vagus nerve because it like touches all your internal organs and having it stimulated like increases your heart rate, increases like your, makes you feel better, makes your mood better. Okay. And humming is one of the things that activates it. It's almost like a natural high that you're trying to create. So instead of like taking a drug that makes you like dump serotonin, you can hum and that tricks your body into making endorphins that make you feel better. Right. You know, like you pretend to laugh or you smile and you kind of think you're happy. Yeah.

Just humming. I think it's like a little, it's soothing. It's nice. So I've been humming as I walk. And are you humming to the tune of a song or are you just vibrating your skull and that's good enough? Just, you know, I'm humming to like random, random tune. I don't think I am humming anything in particular. Interesting. Yeah.

And then have you found it to be helpful? Yeah. It's definitely not harmful. No. It's nice. It's not harmful. It's fine. It's good. I think it's decent.

Let me try it because I find myself in kind of a sour mood whenever I have to talk to you a little bit. So here we go. Ready? I'm trying to think of a song. I might just hum a little bit too because now I'm in sort of a bad head space because of what you just said to me. So I'll probably. It doesn't have to be even a song. What you said was kind of hurtful.

Ready? Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Roar! Nice! That was, yeah, roar nice that was yeah i can't wait to be king that's good it is helpful because i'm also singing a happy song so it's fun to hear that right all right let me try to sing else in a bad mood oh yeah that's still helpful because it sort of vibrates and it's like it's sort of like shaking up any like loose cobwebs. That's your vagus nerve, buddy. Interesting.

Yeah. Like pronounced like Las Vegas. Pronounced like Las Vegas, but it's V-A-G-A-S. Vegas. I see. V-A-G-U-S. I thought it was V-A-G-A. Anyway, yeah.

Yeah, V-A-G-U-S is a nodular of the brain gut axis. Yes. Yes. Wow. So actually, it's kind of interesting. There's a nerve that runs from your brain to your ass. Really? So if you make your ass vibrate, that'll increase your mood. Actually, can I have permission to fart Hello by Adele to see just to compare it to when I was humming it?

Can you tell that that's what I was humming? No, I didn't, but I'm glad that, yeah. Hello from the other far. Yeah. And it works because it feels good to fart. Yeah. Sweet. That's actually, it's a venous,

it's like anus, but vagus combined. That's the nerve that sort of gets stimulated when you fart to a specific song. This is why people will never actually take our advice. And probably shouldn't. Wait, who taught you about the vagus nerve? Who's the one who gave you that information? My friend Kat.

Interesting. She sort of gave you that little tidbit of advice. That's right. So you're just regurgitating what she said, or are you bringing anything new to the table? Yeah, I'm spreading the gospel. I'm bringing something new to the table. Not everybody I'm spreading the gospel. I'm bringing something new to the table. Not everybody that listens to the show would know her.

Right, right. No, I get that. It's just that when I bring in unsolicited advice, it's shit that no one's ever even thought of before. Water picks? I think I really came up with that. Those were meant to water really thin plants before I was like, oh, this is a good idea.

Interesting. Yeah. Do you have the brushes? The what? The brushes. Have they given you the wires? What do you mean the wires? The really thin little wire brushes

that go between the teeth. You mean floss? No. No, I do not. I would know. Yeah, no. It looks like a little fucking mesh brush. It's like a little pipe cleaner attached to a really thin little plastic.

In addition to the water pick or as an extension? I went to a periodontist recently. A gum surgeon. Yeah. And she was like, floss twice a day. Twice a day? And then she was like, and you know, it wouldn't hurt to like floss during,

like after lunch. So basically, floss all the time. Yeah, right after you eat. And then water pick. Yes, also water pick.

And then of course brush. And then she gave me these little fucking pipe cleaners. Now there's a fourth thing. And she's like, yeah, and just,

you know, put these in between your teeth and your gum and scrub. It's like, this is, it's too much. It's a full time job, We shouldn't have. It's a full-time job, Sally.

We shouldn't have teeth. We shouldn't have them. There's nothing else on our body that requires this level of maintenance, right? It used to be just floss, and now it's like, do you floss? Yes, I floss. All right, well, do you water pick? It's like, yes, I also do that. But then did you add the fucking pipe cleaner?

Yeah, did you pipe cleaner? Did you floss three times today? Oh, my God. Like, sorry, I have to do other shit. I also have taxes. Take my teeth out. I want, yeah. My cholesterol is high.

Like you don't give a shit about anything but gum. So you can save for me to do all this shit. Yeah. But I have, I'm like a fully functioning. Yes. I have a job in addition to, I can't floss every fucking meal. That's not how it works. Right.

Because I also have to take care of my houseplants. Yes. That's how to keep that fucking dog alive. So I can't floss it. Imagine if we have a kitten. Forget about it. Yeah, that's never gonna happen. Then you have to remember that they have to floss. Yeah, I don't get, like, I have a friend with, like, four kids, right? So what, every meal you then have to feed

four other people? Yeah. So it's like, I'll have a banana because I'm running out. And every time you floss, you're like, hey, did all four of you guys floss? I have a bowl of cereal. Oh shit, I forgot I have to fucking make eggs for nine people right now. Right. And then three hours later,

did you give them lunch? Lunch? It's going to be fucking two and a half hours. They want that too? I have to make sandwiches for all of you guys? And then it's what,

dinner time again. Yeah, forget it. So then I didn't fucking use a pipe cleaner because I was, I've been in the kitchen literally nonstop every day for the last five years keeping these four things alive. Yeah, forget it. So then I didn't fucking use a pipe cleaner because I was, I've been in the kitchen literally nonstop every day for the last five years

keeping these four things alive. Yeah. As I talk, my teeth are falling out. Yeah. I should say this is not me. Yeah. I don't have any children.

You don't. You have a dog. Yes. You just have a dog. I just have a dog. And you do have gingivitis. So what I'm doing is sort of neglecting everything.

I'm just doing the bare minimum. Your dog has gingivitis as well. Yes, he has plaque. He has cirrhosis of the gum. Okay, but since we have all of our shit together, why don't we try to dispense more wisdom and answer people's questions. This one is a self-considered

tough one, says James Jones. James Jones writes, I'm a 23-year-old and fresh out of college. While in college, I never had a problem taking the dimes to the pound town. I think I'm a good-looking guy, but now I really struggle to get past the first date for instance this one time I met with a bombshell at a bar and everything went great and we made out while I picked her up

we went back to her place and I eventually left because I wanted to take things a little slow but then the next day she doesn't want to hang out with me this isn't even the first time either please help I want to dive in the poon, but with a good girl.

That's really interesting. That's fascinating, actually. Dive in the poon, but with a good girl. That's tough. I think that's a world-class predicament, for sure. That's probably the hardest issue anyone's

faced this year because he's used to taking dimes to pound. As we read that question, a hundred babies were born into this beautiful world. That's amazing. And this guy is also in this world. Okay. Maybe it's easier to meet people and ladies in college. Do you dive into Poon Town? It's helpful to take dimes to Poon Town in college.

Maybe it's a little bit easier. Did you ever find that? In college, it's easier than in the real world. I actually had a much harder time in college than I did out of college. But I think I did the reverse. I don't know. Whatever happened to me happened in reverse. Right.

Nobody liked me in college right nobody liked me in college and people liked me after i left why did nobody like you in college i was a nasty little shithead um yeah jesus that's right i'm sorry to hear that i had a negative attitude i was mean i was rude i was a social dissident and And I was dissonant. And I was distanced. So overall, you just weren't a nice guy to be around. Bad hygiene, bad health, bad attitude. And you did find yourself leaving colleges because you weren't necessarily-

Yeah, I never stuck around very long. Academically either. I was, yeah, I was not welcomed back at one college. Then the other two I dropped out just because I didn't feel like it. And then the fourth one, that was a mutual decision. I didn't want to go back. I wasn't allowed to go back. It seems like those are all for the same thing.

Well, the other two I left on my own volition. They would have had me. So you're saying your grades were good enough in the middle two. In the middle two, the grades were... The grades were not. Those schools were cheap enough that I could have just kept on going. The first one I lost the scholarship and I wasn't allowed. You had a scholarship? Yeah. To the first college. Oh, I didn't know that. Was it full ride or how did that work? I think it was not a, I think maybe a half ride. Wow.

It was a tennis scholarship, by the way. So you should be a lot better at tennis. Yeah, no, I was not good even when I got the scholarship. But how did they know that you were good enough to give you a scholarship? Did you have to like submit your results or something? I believe I played on a visit. You played? Yeah, I met the tennis coach.

So you were pretty good. I was not good at tennis. How could you be bad and convince a tennis coach to be like, let's give this guy a half rod? I was a very good tennis player when I was 12. I won the club tournaments at my pool club or whatever. And then I slowly deteriorated. So I'm as good as a good 12-year-old now, but I can serve harder.

But like when I was 18, I had like, I had lost a little bit of- Your speed. No, it was really just, it was about stroke confidence. Like I kind of, I moved to like a chip shot, like a slicing forehand instead of a topspin forehand. Because you were afraid that your control was too errant. Yeah, I wanted to improve my consistency. But what ended up happening is that I like slowly got worse and just became a little poker. I would just poke the ball over.

So if I didn't win the point on my serve or if I couldn't win it at the net, I would basically lose it in the backcourt, trying to slice the ball back to somebody who could just kind of put it away. And did you see King Richard? I did, yes. And did any of that sort of remind you of your upbringing? Did anybody push you and drive you and force you to play? No, I think, see, that's the problem i don't have that winner mentality i have like the choke mentality i see if i'm up i'm like oh wow that's

someone's gonna come back and if i and even when i can come back i'm like i'm gonna come back and make it close but ultimately lose and who was your if if not your father did your did your parents play tennis who was the one who drove you to these heights? My mom and dad both played tennis. Oh, really? Yeah. Still? Yeah.

My dad plays squash sometimes. I don't think he plays tennis anymore. My mom plays tennis. Did you ever beat them or play them heads up? Yeah, I've played my parents in tennis as recently as like maybe six or seven years ago. And how were they? I beat them then. So they're fine.

They're good. And you were 12? No. When I was like 20. Yeah, yeah. But did you play them at age 12? Oh, when I was 12. No, I never played.

My dad could always beat me when we were younger, when we were 12. He had a forehand slice. Really? Yeah. Damn. You play tennis, right? You play. I've been playing tennis.

I feel like we should play tennis because now is the time where I've been playing for like a year every week now. And I wonder if I've caught up to you, a 12-year-old who stopped improving. How consistent are you? You're hitting it over with topspin. Yeah. I mean, not all the time. I'm like you try to just be a wall because i'm not playing very good competition i'm playing my other buddy amir

who's not very good at tennis either so we're sort of roughly comparable what's your service like not great i'm uh if i'm really going for that first serve 10 of the times they're going in yeah so then sometimes i take it off my first serves because i don't even want to double fault right but if it's just playing around, then I can be a little more loosey-goosey. I'd like to play. We should try to set something up where we can video

that as well. I think I need to play no video to make sure that I'm at least comparable to you. Decent. So one offline, one online. And this person who's taking time to pound down comparable to you and then yeah and then we could yeah so one offline one online yeah uh and this person who's taking times to uh oh right anymore um i think you know it's there's probably like an element of an attitude change that like it almost feels like you're in between them right

now you were like party guy in college yeah and now you're trying to like have a more consistent meaningful thing yeah where you know you're saying that you took someone home but left because you wanted to take it slow, which is good. But I think even if – as long as you're framing it in this email like this to us, that's okay. But like project onto the world that you care less about going to poontown. Yeah, especially because he says he wants to dive in the poon with a good girl. I don't know if good girls necessarily want to be with somebody that say stuff like dive in the poon. So it's sort of like a self-fulfilling bad prophecy. Yeah. So change yourself, be better, and then you can find yourself a better person once you actually aren't the person that you currently are.

Right. And you could also stop looking, like, maybe it's like in college, you met people at parties and people were drunk and they hooked up and whatever. And that was good for that time. But now you're looking for something that's different, but you're still kind of going to the same places, like going to dive bars, staying out late, making out with people. And it's like, that's not necessary. Like you're meeting people there that probably don't, don't have that same, like, you know, I'm looking for a good guy mentality. That's right. So maybe hit the dating apps or try to meet somebody in a different context. Yeah. And you know, taking it slow isn't necessarily

the worst thing. I mean, this person, he's the one who said he wanted to take it a little slow. So maybe that's a good step in the right direction. Yeah. Okay, let's take another break. Thanks to more sponsors. Come back and answer more questions, maybe about tennis, maybe about other stuff. Let's go. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help.

It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd

you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase

and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we are back. Yeah. Okay, here's one that's a little different. Okay.

But still from a 22 year old in Canada. Good. Yeah. That's the thing with our audience is that we get older and they stay the same age and are from Canada. Right, always from Canada. So this 22 year old who we'll call Wayne Gretzky or perhaps his brother, Brent Gretzky, right?

I'm from Calgary, Alberta. We went to Calgary, right? That's right. Yeah. Made a show there. We did Edmonton, Calgary, Vancouver. And wasn't there another one? Winnipeg. Oh yeah. So maybe we just did Edmonton, Calgary, Winnipeg. I think we did Vancouver after. Really?

We did four? Four, yeah. So maybe we did Winnipeg, not Edmonton. I think we did Winnipeg, Calgary, Vancouver. That's possible. And I'm seeking your advice in regards to dealing with some tumbleweeds. That's right. Cool.

We're off dating. We've moved on to Canadian agricultural problems. Cool. For some reason, my house lines up with a wind tunnel that causes these giant tumbleweeds to accumulate in the front gate that leads into my backyard. It also accumulates in front of my neighbor's backyard gate,

but he never deals with it. I've taken a look at other houses on the block and I'm the only one dealing with this issue. One day, I eventually got rid of about a dozen of them by crushing them and shoving them into my compost bin. Unfortunately, the tumbleweeds are stuck in the container and won't come out when it's empty by the city. So now I need to come up with a different method of disposal, and I'm not sure what to do. I've thought about throwing them over my fence, making my other neighbors deal with it, but I really don't want to be that guy. I've also considered

just moving all of them to the front of my neighbor's gate. That would be too obvious. And he would know what I'm doing. They accumulate so fast. It's been about a month since I disposed and there's 15 more of them now. They're all about two to three feet in diameter. God, it's literally too much plant matter to even throw in a trash can. Let me know if you have any ideas. Maybe I should just burn them. Thank you. I, there's gotta be a better person to contact about this. I think I know what to do with these Canadian tumbleweeds. Okay. Go for it.

There's this liquid formula that will soften the weed. Yeah. And almost turn it into this wood paste. A sludge. Yeah. It's this proprietary blend that I'm sort of working on. You're working on it? It's a tree melting formula between acid and oil.

Okay. That's located not really on the periodic table of elements because it doesn't exist yet. Yeah. And what it does- You're working on it? I'll rub it on a tree and it'll soften like a- Do you know about it or did you make it?

It's an idea I have. It'll soften a tree. So it's not even a prototype. No. There's nothing in beta. You just have an idea about a paste that will melt a tree. Not melt. Soften it.

That's the difference. You ever touch a tree and it's got a spongy bark? This will do that. To the tumbleweeds? To what? Also, please shout out my podcast, Savory Avery on Spotify. Good name. Yeah.

So I've never even, I thought this was like just a cartoon thing, tumbleweed, like when something is boring and tumbleweed flies by. I mean, I've seen them. I've seen them before. It's interesting that they're accumulating i wonder if that's like a winter thing because there's like dry twigs everywhere it feels like when there's more leaves on the trees and stuff you you might see them less so maybe it'll hopefully be a seasonal thing yeah imagine this uh 15 of these spherical thicket balls just sort of two to three feet in diameter

bunching up by your gate because you're in fucking Calgary, Alberta. It sounds like you have to put them all into a tarp, put them in a truck, and then bring them to like an agricultural center. Yeah. But I feel like you could talk to your city's waste management. I don't mind the burning them thing,

especially if it's winter. Yeah, burning seems fine. In the snow, right? Yeah. And when you burn them, it's like nature burning seems fine in the snow right yeah and when you burn them it's like nature's way of saying go away yeah there are places that i i don't know what the deal is with like burning your like lawn waste but like sometimes it's fine and sometimes it's bad like it's bad here because everything could catch on fire but maybe canada it's different did you ever go through a fucking pyro phase? Yeah, burning shit.

And you like to see how big it works. Yeah, lighting an M80 running away. That's really cool. What's the biggest thing you ever burned? Nothing. Your mom once told me that you tried to burn the school. This is insane.

No, I did not say that. She said you put gasoline on a... This is some kind of fake gotcha journalism. That's insane. No, I did not. No, I did not say that. It was a caller right now. She said you put gasoline on a... This is some kind of fake gotcha journalism. Yeah. She said you had a very big pyro. My God. She said you had a fucking Zippo for your bar mitzvah. You wanted a Zippo lighter and to learn tricks.

And you got one of those knives that you could flip open like that. A knife? Yeah, like a fucking Bowie knife. What are they called? I don't know.. A knife? Yeah, like a fucking Bowie knife, or what are they called? I don't know. A butterfly knife? Yeah, you wanted a fucking butterfly knife, a nunchuck, and a Zippo lighter. So what phase is this?

You just wanted to open shit in a cool way. I was a ninja turtle. I was a teenage, not really mutant, but still ninja turtle. There was nothing mutant about me. Right, just still ninja turtle. There was nothing mutant about me. Right. Just a teenage turtle. Not ninja either, but I was a tween and I was a turtle. I ate newts for a year as a 13-year-old turtle.

And I didn't know how to use the fucking knife. And I didn't know how to use the Zippo lighter. Yeah. Have you ever dealt with an issue like this? Like you got a backyard in New York. Autumn means a lot of leaves back east. What are you doing with all your leaves? There's two weekends in October and November where they do a leaf pickup.

And then they just, you put them in a bag and then they pick up all the leaves? So I blow them, rake them, put them all into bags, bring them out to the front yard on the weekend, and they come and collect them. So I don't know what your collection, I mean, there must be some kind of leaf collection there. But, you know, then that's only dealing with the problem in the autumn and if it continues through the winter. What if he does like a cowboy situation where he gets a horse and a lasso? Right. If you get saloon doors on your house, then all the tumbleweeds start to make sense. Hi-yah! So you lasso and then you say yeehaw, not hi-yah.

You're thinking of the turtle still. Yee! And it's like almost like a rodeo, but instead of, I used to do steer catching when I grew up with my old man. Yeah, we used to go from Wyoming all the way down to Texas over the summer, and we used to just fucking rope steer. Rope steer, really? We were used to... Describe how you tie a knot in the lasso. Well, you'd go like...

No, that's how you throw it, how you tie the knot. Well, it depends on if you're using a slip knot or if your dad is just fucking going like, hey, I'm beating the shit out of you in your backyard, pretending that it's like a cowboy fantasy camp. And then you sort of hogtied. Hogtied you like a steer. Your dad hunted you like a steer from Wyoming to Colorado. Yeah, to Texas.

Yeah, exactly. Okay, cool. We spent a pretty harrowing winter in Oklahoma with your dad hunting you I don't quite remember what happened

because I repressed the memory yeah I would too yeah because it was fucked up what he did to me certainly but I imagine

that there was some lessons valuable lessons that this guy can do. And if not using the lasso, the steering, the yeehaw. Right. And if not that, then you have the tree paste. Yes, the tree paste, which is a proprietary paste.

Which my dad and I actually went door to door in the South. You and your dad went into business together after he hunted you. Because I proved my worth. And then we ended up hawking snake oil for an entire summer in the course of between that and the knives that we used to sell door to door. This was 1948, right? Yep. This was 1812, actually. All right, cool. So, yeah, my suggestion, burn them.

If it's winter, burn the entire fucking town. And would it kill you to move from Calgary to a less woodsy place? When I first moved into my house and I wanted to understand how trash pickup and disposal and all that stuff worked, I just went to, like, you know, New York City had a website where it told you literally everything that you needed to do. So I bet Calgary has one of those, too. Yeah, and you're not the only person dealing with tumbleweeds. There's a solution. I'm not good at knowing stuff like this before it affects me.

So, like, this has never affected me. I don't know how to deal with it. Recently, I had a broken dishwasher, so now I know how to work with a dishwasher. And you know how to fix your dryer, right? You just had a coin in it? Yeah, I had a coin in the garbage disposal. My dryer was broken because there was lint that hardened on the escape valve on my roof. So all these things that I know now that I didn't know five years ago, maybe this will turn you into a totally expert.

How long do you think before you forget everything you learned about your dishwasher? Every like five years, it kind of resets. Yeah. All right, cool. Like, did you know that dishwashers have filters? Yeah, I replaced my filter. Yeah. And then when I replaced my filter. Yeah. And then when I replaced my filter, I accidentally put the wrong filter in and it flooded the whole thing.

Now I know what kind of filter my dishwasher needs. And did you know that when a dishwasher floods, it no longer allows any water to enter the dishwasher? So when I took the filter out and drained the flood by hand, it still wouldn't turn on until I, drum roll, please reset it. Do you know how to reset your dishwasher? No, you don't. You actually have to download the manual. Did you not know that the filter needed to be the right size for your dishwasher?

Did you just get like a random filter? I got two filters, one like this inner one, one this outer one. Did you search like when you were buying those filters, did you search by your dishwasher model? I searched by my dishwasher type, Bosch, but I didn't search the specific model. There you go. Okay. So I don't know everything you do about resetting the dishwasher, but I would know if I needed to replace something. Womp, womp.

Go by my model number. Yeah. Yeah. And the model number is actually not too easy to find. It's on a sticker in the dishwasher. That's correct. Yeah. Sometimes when you purchase it, you'll have the model number in your receipt.

I didn't purchase the dishwasher. I see. It came with the place. Cool. There you go. Actually, this is a funny story for when we have Ben on the podcast, but his dad is a sort of a handyman and has been coaching me out of certain sticky situations. So we should have Ben Schwartz and his father.

Yeah. Because I guess he's seen it all. So he's helping me get in there. You need someone who's seen it all before. That's Jill's dad for me. Yeah. Because, you know, when you've had a place for 40 years, you've dealt with all these issues before. My old man, he would just give me a fucking

1-900 number and a slap on the back. And a lasso around the legs. He'd say, you can figure it out. Squeal for me. Okay. Thanks for writing these emails in. Thanks for submitting your

theme songs. The email address for all of it is ifirereashowatgmail.com. We're shooting this episode, the next episode, live in our studio so you can watch. I don't know why

I keep saying live. It's not live, but we are shooting it as a video. You can watch it on YouTube. It's happening live for us. Yeah, so you can

listen to it, of course, wherever you get your podcasts as usual, but if you want to watch us, see us as a television program, you can watch it on YouTube as well. Yeah. And click around all those other Headcumbs shows.

Subscribe to them. Yeah. We're starting to make more and more podcasts in this here studio. That's right. Soon we'll have one in New York. We can do even more. Oh, yeah. And you can watch us make more videos on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA.

Ja. Hundreds of videos on there right now. My God. Thousands of patrons. Join the party. Check us out.A. Job. Hundreds of videos on there right now. My God. Thousands of patrons. Join the party. Check us out. That's right. And we'll be back next week.

As always, let's hear that Justin Bieber parody one more time as we head out of here. See y'all soon. Bye. I found my ex on OnlyFans. It's not good. She's wearing my grandma's bracelet while guys touch their wood. She said she lost it. I don't know what to do. That was a Hiddem original.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ,

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