Segments - 535: Baby Names

Episode Date: April 11, 2022

In this episode we discuss eating, cheating, and journaling. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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A day won't fit and that's for sure. I crack up every time The one thing truly bothers me The gold in my conspiracy Why can't he ever win one? Don't use too far a miracle This stupid chairmonger I'll stare straight into the sun Until Jake makes things right This chairmongken has golden eyes.

Cool. That was nice. Yeah. That was really nice. I didn't appreciate the messaging, but I like the guitar and I like the voice. When you hear what the lyrics actually said, they were pretty nasty and derogatory towards me.

Ultimately, yeah. But I'm trying to look past that to the point where I'm like, okay, this is Christian Freeberg, his name was. Separate the art from the artist. Exactly. My song submission is an acoustic parody of a Thrice song called Stare at the Sun. Oh, nice. If you could, would you please shout out my hardcore punk band? Oh, yeah.

And then he says the name of the band. And you better fucking believe that this chipmunk won't say the name of it how's that for fair yeah i played your little song right i extracted the joy out of it but i won't give him the honor of saying what his band is on my podcast for him to change your hand change your hand first of all and foremost, make a new hand gesture. Okay, relax it. Keep my band's name out of your fucking mouth, Will Smith. Are you sure you extracted any joy?

Because it actually sounds like you got super wound up and angered. Yes, and actually we were recording this in our studio, so you guys can see this if you're on our YouTube channel. This is a video version of our show. You can listen to it as you would a normal podcast, but you can also watch it. Yeah. Thanks to the magic of video podcasting on our YouTube. Indeed.

So you can see how much joy or anger it caused. Right. Fine. His band's name is Violets, and it's spelled V-Y-L-T-S. Violets. Pretty cool, right V-Y-L-T-S. Violets. Pretty cool, right? No vowels except for the Y. Sometimes Y, yeah.

It's a Wordle-chic word, band name. Wow, it's been a minute since I played Wordle, actually. Really? Yeah. We just released our first single, and it's streaming on all platforms right now. For fans of Touche Amore, Defeater, and Knocked Loose. Love it. How are people discovering new songs nowadays?

I feel like I only hear what is popular on TikTok. Are you listening to the radio? Are you listening to Spotify playlists? I do listen to Spotify playlists that get up. I listen to my Discover every once in a while. It's hard for me to actually discover new music because I'll listen to a song and I'll be like, oh, I like this and I'll press the heart button. And so I have a playlist of like my liked songs. Yeah. And I know what they sound like, but I couldn't tell you the names of any of them.

Yeah. Like what's the most recent new song you remember liking? Oh, there's a song called Bodies by... Megan Thee Stallion. No, no, no. When I hear that A-O-A Yeah, I don't know what it's called or really how it goes. But it's a great song

and it makes me feel happy when I hear it. But I discovered that one recently and it's on my liked song. I think it's called Bodies. Yeah. And I, again, I just, I don't, like Lil Nas X, is he like the newest artist that I can name? Potentially so.

Actually, what I rediscovered recently was Guster, a band I really liked in high school. Wow. And they're back or you're just listening to their songs? Just listening to their old songs. Yeah. Just, I was in Seattle and I was going on a run and I was like, I don't know what to listen to.

And I was like, and I was like, you know what? Fucking Guster. I haven't heard those guys in a minute. And? You better believe. I think it's the nostalgia, but I still like all of it. Is Guster? No, they're not the ones that sang.

It was a crazy game. No, that's OAR. Yeah. And I listened to that. Actually, that weekend kind of triggered a whole, like, you know, college playlist moment for me. And the OAR songs I liked did not hold up.

Really? Really as well. What's a famous Guster song? Have I heard any of these Guster songs? Happier. Because I'm happier. Yeah, that's it. That's the one. That's good. Sequel to Happy. Okay, that was Christian Freeberg.

Thank you. Thank you for supplying the song. And it's cool that you played guitar and sang. I wish it wasn't about me being a rodent slash tree creature. Yeah. Or treacher for short. But we'll take what we can get. Yeah.

This is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Justin. Oh, yeah. Christian. What is it? Christian. Chase Bieber.

Christian Bieber. Christian. I am Christian Bieber because Bieber is Christian. Yeah. And you could be Jewish Bieber. Right. All right. As always, real questions from real people

we're going to do our best to answer this the energy is high right now because again we're absolutely IRL okay here we go this is a funny one I found in our electro mailbox and it's sort of a problem that's

a humble brag so we'll call this guy Humbert Brag And it's sort of a problem that's a humble brag. I love it. So we'll call this guy Humbert Brag. Good. I'm a 23-year-old guy that's 6'1", bald and bearded. Okay. I've had plenty of sexual encounters, but I have one problem. Every girl I've ever slept with has only done it because of my size. They've either heard it through friends or asked me directly.

A stat for Amir, I'm volumetrically larger than 99.62% of men. Approximately 2.3x the average, according to the penis percentile calculator online. How did he say 2.2 times? Two and a half times the average jesus that seems not true that means like if the average penis is six inches he's he's not two um like 15 inches what if he is insane i feel like i'm a nice person and i'm generally liked and i just can't seem to find a relationship that has a basis other than his dick is big and I want to try it out. Okay.

So here's the question. How do I get a girl to like me for who I am and not just my massive main vein? Should I not, should I just not answer? This should be your fucking hinge bio, bro. Should I just not answer when a girl asks me my size? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you. How often do, I've never asks me my size, any advice is appreciated. Thank you. How often do – I've never been asked my size.

Yeah, because yours isn't 2.3x the average. But like he's saying like – it sounds like he's getting asked like leading up to a sexual encounter. Yes. It's as if it's a small town and they all talk. His reputation is preceding him. It's as if, it's as if it's a small town and they all talk. His reputation is preceding him. That's right. I mean, the best way to have a big dick is quietly. So.

That's cool. Yeah. So like nobody knows and it's a pleasant surprise. Right. Yeah. But the cat's out of the bag. I think you have to embrace the fact that you have a hook. Like, not like the penis is hooked, but like the that there's like an angle that people are

you know not that your penis isn't an angle yeah this is just like yeah there's like a cock oh sorry not that your penis is a cock there's a reason that people are intrigued by you you know everybody has something like people want to get to know you because you're funny and you're you live in the woods yeah that's kind of interesting you're a woodland creature and they want to know what you eat i'm not exist yeah i can see why that would be the cool thing what made you evolve no basically into human but not so far that you're not a chipmunk you and that makes people interested in you and then it's your personality and your cute little chipmunk ways that maybe you're looking you're eating an ac. I'm chewing on a nut because I got hungry.

I think like maybe the reason you are having sexual encounters is because people are curious about your body. Or maybe that's the reason that people are intrigued by you. And is that fine? That's fine. Ultimately, the reason they stick around will be your personality. I think you have to give everyone a free pass because lucky for you, you're a freak of nature. Kind of cool. If you're in the 99.6 percentile. According to a penis percentile calculator online. Have you ever measured your member?

Yes, of course. And did you do it with like a tape measure, just a hard ruler? Did you like measure your hands and then sort of guesstimate? I believe it was a ruler. A ruler. A ruler. From my dad's workshop. I used a protractor because that's how fucking curvaceous it is. And I measured the yaw of my car.

Yeah. And what were you working? You need a tape measure for the girth. What's that? You heard me. You heard. You absolutely heard me. I actually had to use a yardstick for mine.

It's. And a yawstick for the yaw. I used a yard stick to find out it was 2.1 inches thin. And then I used a soda can to sort of approximate

the girth of it. Oh my good god. What? I can't believe it's 2022 and we're just fucking going all in on cock size.

It's about time we go back. Yeah. Mine's about roughly the cylindrical size of a little medicine bottle. You know what I mean? The little kind that like pills come in. And it rattles like that too,

as if there's two loose pills at the base of it once you take the cotton out. I'm sorry to take it out. What? Take it out. I'm sorry to take it out. What? Take it out. No. It's insane. We're live in a studio.

We're not live. There's a studio audience here. I'm not going to remember my member. Oh, good God. But yeah, I mean, I bet most people have, you know, measured their penis. You have to. Have you? I have. I was curious. When? You want to know if you're, measured their penis. You have to. Have you? I have.

I was curious. When? You want to know if you're, what you're working with. We're so, we're dangerously close to like, you know. A dick measuring contest. Yeah. This isn't where we want to head as a society. Is it?

Pun intended. Yes. Nice. Actually, instead of measuring, what we can do is joust. So you take out. Oh my God. What? Just see whose tip touches the other person's first.

That way we know who's working with it. It's not even about size, then. It's about skill. Because we will be riding towards each other on a horse. Chivalry isn't dead, folks. What do you think this guy should do? Who cares? You're hung like a horse, bro. Talk to me when you have a real problem, like not being able to close.

How about a penis reduction procedure? I don't think he wants that. I think he's happy. He's obviously proud. He's gone on to multiple different dick calculation websites. He knows the percentile he's happy. He's obviously proud. He's gone on to multiple different dick calculation websites. He knows the percentile he's in. There has to be, examine yourself a little bit and try to decipher if you're not a little bit proud about this. I mean, he's two standard deviations above average.

That means for every person in his percentile, there's somebody who's rocking a micropene just to make the average stay where it is. Yeah. What do you think the average is by? I feel like I've heard it's six or five and a half or something. Yeah. It's kind of like body, like heights wise, but inches instead of feet. Right. Yeah.

How big is yours? My what? You said you measured. So you actually, you know. His is 99.62%. Bigger than yours. Bigger than most. And mine is 99.63.

And I don't even say that lightly. I really say that with the gravitas and seriousness. And I didn't want to tell everybody and you forced that out of me. So, yeah. Actually, I'm a pretty humble guy. I'm a shower and a grower, if you can imagine. It starts big and ends longer. Because I'm happier.

Yeah. Here's a question. How do I get a girl to like me for who I am? I guess you'll know. You'll know. Sometimes I think it'll happen at the same rate as though you had a small penis. But I guess while you're weeding people out, they're also having sex with you, which is a fine problem to be. How do you get anyone to like you for who you are is you spend more time with them. So it's like it's weird that you would expect anyone to like you for who you are, you know, so fast. Yeah. It also depends on if you're a nice guy. Right.

You know. So it's just the answer is just over time. But you will have to, you know, deal with people being curious about your number. You're probably wondering what my cock looks like, he says on the first date. Why does nobody like me for who I am? Maybe you have to move people say that having the the reputation of having a bd big dick is actually a curse because everybody's expecting it to be pretty big oh interesting so it's almost like it's better like you said to have that

the mythos that's why you'll often hear nasty rumors about me, allegations-wise. Pictures, photos of my D-next-to-a-plum. They're roughly the same size. So it's not rumors, it's evidence. And color. It's facts. That's not. I did not have sexual relations with that.

Your penis is out. It's on your trackpad. And my God, it's small. I mean, my God, man. it looks like a thin sliver of a mouse pad it's it's felt it's purple felt why purple purple felt purple felt uh congratulations i don't know what you want me to say should i even give this guy a fake name i feel like let's fucking out him. He's the hero that everyone wants it to be.

Follow up, ask for a photo. We deserve to see. We deserve to see it, sir. A follow up pup that's just a dick pic. All right, let's take a break and answer some questions that aren't so blue after this break. Come on. It is blue.

It's left of center. It's disgusting. It's odious. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Come on. This is blue. It's left of center. It's disgusting. It's odious. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building

on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive,

drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you

have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to

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It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Hey, Jake, do you have any? Unsolicited advice.

Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I don't, but I think you do. So we're in a studio right now. We didn't really have any unsolicited advice, so we opened it up to our confident producers over there and anya actually has been um mentioning that she journals at night right before bed doesn't journal writes down her thoughts and it helps them from racing around in her head as she falls asleep goes to bed that's right so anything that's sort of kicking around the noodle up there and it's like sort of

repeating ad nauseum right before you go to sleep, you write it down and then you can go to sleep with a clear conscience. Is that more or less what the situation is? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

It's not even close, Bloom. She was talking about exercising more. I don't know where you came up with the journal thing. Yeah. So the key is to not think of it as a journal and just write what you're thinking. Anya said she doesn't look at it at all the next day. So it's really just a release. Yeah. But the thing is when I'm falling asleep, I don't have any thoughts left in my brain all day. I think it's because I talk so much during the day that

by the time I'm ready for sleep, my head's already empty and my soul is too. So I'll sort of just fade to black. The other way, if you find yourself with the anxiety of like constantly overthinking or thinking many things throughout the day, the way to get that out of your brain, I guess you're saying is to write it down right before you fall asleep. I think there's, like, my, whatever I'm anxious about usually rears its head during the day. And I don't have anything at night. At night, I always go to sleep really easily. Because you're dead from the day.

I don't even know if it's because I'm dead from the day. It's just, like, my brain is just, like, I, mine doesn't come when, like like my brother's his his comes at night and not during the day oh interesting me i'm like why you're just different i am stressed about stuff during the daytime and relaxed in the evening right i guess it's uh what i don't know which one is better than the other because one sort of ruins your day and the other one kind of ruins your night neither of them are good no you should try to get rid of them for the whole, you know, all the time. That's right. Which brings us to our other sponsor, BetterHelp. Thank you to you guys for-

We just came back from that. Oh, yeah. Okay. Hopefully that's helpful to some of y'all out there. But they do say that journaling, not that this is journaling, is very helpful. Writing. Writing it down. Yeah.

I do never write anything down. I fear I'm forgetting how to even handwrite. Oh, yeah, definitely. This happens to my wife. She'll wake up. She wakes up in the middle of the night and needs to write things down to get them out of her head. But I've woken up before. It's like 4 a.m.

I take off my eye mask, and she just like sitting there with the lights on writing. I'm like, geez, you're having a different night than me. Can you turn that light off, please? I'm going back to dream. Putting on a VR headset. Loud porn voices. Okay. Here's a question from somebody who might be going through his own certain sets of anxieties.

And it's kind of funny. Really? Yeah. So let's call this guy Ross because he says he does something Ross style. My wife and I have been together for six years. With any relationship, we've had our ups and downs. Everything is great now, but about a year into our relationship, we took a break. Ross style. great now but about a year into our relationship we took a break ross style during this period my wife was absolutely railed railed by a guy named ezekiel zeke that's right give her the z my my

wife told me she had sex during this period but did not tell me his name i learned that through the grapevine whatever fine kosher. Kosher. Legal even. Yeah. Quite. Cut to now. We're having a baby and she wants to name the bish Ezekiel. She doesn't know that this is the name. She doesn't know that I know that this is the name of the dastardly fiend I've poked around.

And it's not like she has an uncle or a grandpappy. And when asked, she says, I just like that name. What does this mean? It's a fine name, I guess, but I don't want to be thinking about that dude. When I look upon my son's face, can I bring it up? She's the one pooping this thing out. So how much ground do I really even have? Am I just being a petty Jew?

Much like the prophet Ezekiel. What would you do if you were me? P.S. We made a deal that if it was a girl, I'd name her. And if it was a boy, she would. Also, she seems pretty basically decided that she talks to her belly and calls it Ezekiel. She's actually talking to her vagina. That's right. Missing him. Yeah. What do you think? So is it 100% they know the sex of the baby or is it a coin flip right now?

Like do they not know? They know it's a boy. They know it's a boy. She's going Zeke. And they made the deal. She has chosen Ezekiel. She has chosen. And he doesn't knows in – or she doesn't knows in that he knows in why she chose him.

I think that it's – like I feel like I get both sides. In one instance, I think you could do a better job of getting over Ezekiel. Because, like, I don't think she's naming the baby Ezekiel because she got railed so hard one time that she wants to, like, think about it every time she talks. Like, she probably liked the name. Maybe that's what drew her to this guy in the first place. Oh, interesting. So the name predates the rail. Yeah, I don't think that he gave, like, such a memorable sex performance. Maybe that's what drew her to this guy in the first place. Oh, interesting. So the name predates the rail. Yeah. I don't think that he gave such a memorable sex.

How does he know that she got railed? She knows. Oh, he knows. He knows. Yeah. I mean, I don't think you want to start digging up like, oh, we can't name this baby after anyone either of us have been with. Yeah. Because it takes names off the table.

It's just not that. As a general rule, I don't know what happened to you during the break. Can we just eliminate names of people I've ever slept with? And you actually. Right. And then she's like, yes.

And then she's like, I'm going to call him Ezekiel. And then you're like, well, that's the thing. Because I heard something through the grapevine. I did some opposition research into you. Oppo research. I know that you actually were railed by a Zeke.

So I think that you could do a better job of getting over it. But at the same time, I don't think that you will. And I think that it probably makes sense to say something sooner rather than later. Yeah, because this is a problem. It's not like a temporary problem. Because the baby will hopefully outlive you. You don't want this name to be on the birth certificate. then you realize you can't live with it and then you tell her. Do you like the name Ezekiel in general for a child? I like old school names. Ezekiel's not

like my favorite, but I'm not opposed to it. I don't know. I don't know, but it sounds very Amish to me. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Well, it's Old Testament, right? Zeke, I don't know. I don't know. It sounds very Amish to me. Yeah. It is. Yeah. Or it's Old Testament, right? Zeke. I don't really like the name Zeke as a nickname either. What is Zeke? Like, do you know any Zekes in your life? I imagine like a scary guy named Zeke. Right. I think that's from

Salute Your Shorts. There is Zeke the Plumber. Oh, right. Zeke the Plumber. That's why I don't like it. You should just play that episode of Salute Your Shorts for your wife. Maybe we should name it Ezekiel. I mean, look at this guy. This guy was awful. What are you showing me?

It was a show in the early 90s that had eight episodes. And I think I'm going to use my veto on Zeke. Oh, I mean, that's what you should have done is like when you have this, you choose a guy, I choose a girl, but we each get a Vito. A Zito. That's really nice. But it's too late for that. Right. So maybe for the next child.

I think it's a dangerous game to do. I choose if it's a boy, you choose if it's a girl. Yeah, because you have to agree. Like, what are you going to have? Fart Blanche access to naming this child? That seems like you got to put your heads together on this one. Yeah. I think that's what my parents did for me, actually.

They just let your mom decide. I think my dad decided. And he's like, Jake. Yeah. But your mom had to have gone along with it. I remember that if I was a girl, she wanted to name me Jessamy. And I'm glad that I'm a guy for, you know, a lot of reasons, obviously. But then they had three more girls and Jessamy didn't even crack the top three. I think at that point she must have fallen out of love with Jessamy.

Interesting. Yeah. You have a sister, Eliza. That's pretty, that's like the female Ezekiel. Everyone has a pretty biblical name. Hannah, Rachel, Sarah, Eliza, Micah, Jacob. For a non-biblical family, you guys relied on the Bible for names. Yeah. Yeah.

Would you go biblical for your names or you're not about that Old Testament lifestyle? I would, well, I want to name my son Ragnar, but Jill's having none of it. Because it sort of doesn't mean anything. It sounds like a caveman sort of making a noise. It's rooted in a history that's neither yours nor hers. It's hard to say. It's hard to spell. It's hard to see someone. It's not hard to spell or say.

Ragnar? R-A-G-N-A-R? No, it's not hard. But everything else you say is in line. Thor Ragnarok. Would you like a Thor name? You like the Viking stuff. Yeah, I do.

That's why I like Ragnar. Because it's sort of, it's like the D&D thing. Yeah. You want to create a hard one of yourself. Right, exactly. Named in your image. That's exactly right. And if they should grow up to be a whiny little wiry Jew like me.

Right. Oh, how you wouldn't like that. Yeah. Hi, I'm Ragnar. No, you're going to go by your middle name, Poindexter. Rodney. Rodney Mott. Ragnar Rodney Hurwitz.

Who says no to that? The R-R-H to rule them all. Rodney Ragnar eats rhombus. Okay, here's a 27-year-old female from South Africa that has a question. South Africa? Yeah. That was a, I think, bad accent, though I'm not entirely sure. We'll call this lady Joanne because she's from Johannesburg.

Okay. I've been friends with this guy for over a decade now, and he's been a vegetarian for seven of those years, I think. He moved out of our hometown when high school ended, and we've had a bit of a long-distance friendship, and he would come down and spend some weekends with us throughout the years. But now is when it gets weird. I recently moved to the same city as him this year,

and we're spending a lot more time together. But I think this fucker has been secretly not vegetarian for years and has just been lying to us the whole time. I went over to his house for dinner one day and his mom served us lasagna and I didn't see a veggie version, but he ate it anyway. And then recently he house sat for me and I found meat

sausages in my fridge that I didn't buy. So how do I confront him about this? Should I even confront him about this? I think it's fine. It's not. It's okay. He's lying.

You're not really. He sort of gets off to telling people he's a vegetarian. I think it's okay. Really? Whatever. Yeah. Right. Because he had a sausage.

Yeah. So don't like come out. Don't come to me. We don't necessarily. Yeah. You don't know everything. Because he's not like. We don't. You rarely hear about vegetarians anymore.

Now it seems like it's vegan or bust. Vegan or bust, yeah. A vegetarian is a nothing. I'm actually still megan. Really? Yeah. What does that entail again? Megan is the diet wherein I eat mostly vegan but every once in a while I just listen to me

and I can eat meat because it's my diet, my body, me, megan. I see. We got sushi last night. You didn't bat an eye. Yeah, because my Meganism has shifted towards kind of a pescatarian lifestyle. Me wants meat most of the time now. Interesting. So it's still in line with Megan because I do decide what I eat as a Megan.

There are no rules. Correct. But, yeah. So I'm eating meat now. Meat and cheese, poultry, fish. I'll have a veal. Yeah. Just to hear them squeal.

But that is Megan. It's very, it seems like you're just doing whatever the hell you want and calling it something else. That's correct. I would like to eat less meat just because, you know, as I now take care of an animal in my own house, I feel like it's kind of fucked up what we do to animals that we eat. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. For sure.

I understand the impulse to not want to support this terrible system. Yeah. No, it's bad. But I'm being so selfish in that it's like, yeah, it's bad, but also I like chicken applesauce, so I'll still do that. I just would prefer the status quo was better. Like, it's just easy. I don't know.

You would like everybody to make a rule right now, let's not eat meat. Then we're all in this together and we'll figure it out. Right. Then it's the only option I have. I wouldn't be like, well, no, I missed the fucking chicken. I think it's just like, that's kind of what I... And then it doesn't feel like you're just not doing anything.

It's like, great, I'm not eating turkey in my sandwich, but it's not really making a difference. Yes, but the fake meat's pretty good. Fake meat is pretty good. It's definitely there for me. Beyond, yeah. Yeah, beyond beef is good. I guess I like burgers, though. I mean, steak's pretty good. Yeah, so is chicken. Yeah. Not really, yeah. Yeah, beyond beef is good. Yeah. And then... I guess I like burgers, though. I mean, steak's pretty good. Yeah, so is chicken. Yeah.

Not really, though. I heard this... Chicken's fine. I heard this crazy fact that every year, 80 billion animals are killed for meat, and 72 billion of them are chicken. Jesus. Doesn't that seem like way high for the amount of... That's like eight chickens per person on Earth is killed every year. Because, like, well, aren't, like, cows sacred in India? So, like, there's a lot of cultures that's like eight chickens per person on earth is killed every year. Because like, well, aren't like cows sacred in India?

So like there's a lot of cultures that won't eat a cow. Yeah, exactly. But chicken doesn't have that luxury. Oh, no. It doesn't get to be holier than anybody thou. Wow. They're not including fish on that? Yeah, I would guess not because, you know, they just bring those fish in and they just

dump it on a boat. It's hard to count that. Right. That would guess not because, you know, they just bring those fish in and they just dump it on a boat. It's hard to count that. Right. That makes sense. But maybe they are including fish. Yeah. Should we be meaghing together? At the very least, we should eat less meat.

Yeah. That's good. So like an occasional meat versus often everyday meat. What are you going to have for lunch today? Today? Well, today the thing is just getting started. So I might actually do like a Philly cheesesteak or something like that.

A chicken cheesesteak. Yeah. A surf and turf. Then I have to say goodbye to this old diet by doing like a... A last hurrah. Exactly. So I'll have venison.

That's deer meat. Tomorrow my appetite for flesh my appetite for flesh will become insatiable as I drool over the thought of tearing it I'll be eating a horse heart for breakfast

and then tomorrow I'll eat my dog cause if I raised it I deserve to have him on Friday I'll have a, but I am going lion hunting. On Sunday, a purely vegan diet as I detusk an elephant in front of its mom. And then Monday, we run it all back again. Meatless Monday in the hide, hunting tigers. Yes. Sorry, did I say meatless? I meant boneless.

Boneless wings, specifically. That's extra chicken that goes into that. Alright, let's take a break, thank some sponsors, and do some real soul searching and see how we can be friendlier to the environment and our animal friends. We'll be back after these. Thank you to

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for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Messages. And we have returned. Yeah. How close are your guys in New York to having a studio like this so we could do some episodes like this in NYC? Dangerously close. Really?

We've got the space. Everything is built. It is soundproof. The panels need to be hung. The lights need to be hung. The cameras need to be set up. But all that stuff is there. Interesting.

Everything's on site. Everything is built. Did you get one of those cool TVs like we have that's like the frame TV that looks like an image but it's actually a television? Yes. Same exact one? The exact same one.

Wow. I think we just copied your entire order and did it over there. Yeah. I don't consider it my order because I had nothing to do with it. Right. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Casey's order, really.

Sure. So he thought of everything. You guys just said, okay, copy, paste, let's do this in New York. I didn't even say that. I think it was Marika and Katie. So yeah, I've literally done nothing. But I wonder what it'll look like if we could do a split screen. So it looks like I'm talking to you.

So yeah, there would be a computer in your chair. We didn't get this thing because I found this to be a mistake because it's kind of an optical illusion. Oh, yeah. So I think we're putting shelves and stuff on here to sort of break the slats of it all. So yours is just a matte single color. Yeah. You have more of a beige theme, and we're going to have more of a gray theme.

Interesting. Beige and gray. That's right. I believe our walls are painted gray. Beige and gray. Greige and beige. Greige. But we're going to have the – yeah, we're going to, we'll have the shelves.

We're going to have similar furniture. I think it'll, I think it'll intercut for sure. That's cool. Looking forward to that. Okay. Here's one last question to rule them all. Ready? Yeah.

This one is about potentially hooking up with a porn star. Nice. It's a dude. So what's a popular porn dude name? Peter North. Peter North writes, I recently discovered a brand new porn star

who's quickly becoming one of my favorites. Okay. Come on. Because I like porn. I didn't say it. Yes, you did you paused so so to give it more time

yeah after some digging I found her personal TikTok and began following her turns out she's originally

from the suburb of my city she ended up watching and liking some of my TikToks I subscribed to her OnlyFans and then I found

her personal Instagram at this point I can literally dox her, but I won't. Jesus. I won't, he writes. Okay. But I was thinking about reaching out to her to see if she wants to get coffee one of these times when she's home for the holiday. I missed my chance already when she was home for Thanksgiving. I could be up front and let her know that I know she's a porn star or play it cool and pretend I only know her from TikTok.

Interesting. So he's like sliding into the DMs, the TikToks. She probably knows how he know, right? Like, it's not too big of a secret. I don't, I feel like if you make porn, there's no chance that this is the only

guy that sought her out. Yeah. She knows the whole game. She's been there before, especially if he follows her on OnlyFans. Right. But, like, it's all anonymous on OnlyFans. Right. I mean, I just think she probably knows that you know or something.

But it's also fine if i would just i would reframe this in your brain from you feeling like you have all the cards to she's actually seen everything before right so you do not have the upper hand you are one of many who's trying to get coffee with her but you know she watches your tiktoks that's good that's a Yeah. Ask her for coffee, but with no expectations, especially no expectations that you are in control. That's right. Well, he actually continues because this is when it gets even a hairier situation. I wanted to get your insight just on the first part. Okay.

The other thing is I'm married. Oh. All right. Let me finish. Because what you suggested to him was actually really fucked up, knowing this part. And we're going to edit this to make it sound like I said that before you talked about this shit. No, we're not. Maybe my wife would be cool with me fucking a porn star?

It's basically a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Maybe my wife would be down for a three-way. Frankly, my confidence is about 50-50 as to whether or not I can get this porn star to fuck me. It's just a matter of shooting my shot. Heh. What would you do if you were me? Does this change anything you had in mind for the first time? Of course.

Of course. Interesting. How so? First of all, my shot, like, it doesn't sound like it was even that hard. You found her on TikTok. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

Definitely, you can't have your wife play catch up with this situation. You need, if this is something you want, yeah, you should be, she should be in lockstep with you in the from the get-go you think he's actually this casual about is this guy so cool and open that he's like yeah should i go after this porn star also i'm married maybe i'll have a threesome like is it possible i think he's just loosey-goosey no or is he kind of crazy wazy i think no i think he's probably the most loosey-goosey about everything. If I could make a prediction on the situation, I think his wife would not be cool with it, and he actually has no chance with the porn star. Okay. So, worst of both worlds is you tell your wife she's offended, you decide to shoot your shot anyway. The porn star honestly just rebuffs you, thinks it's creepy that you found out her home address

on Instagram and want to get coffee. And then you've just, you're kind of shit out of luck. So you're saying his confidence. You told your wife

you wanted to cheat on her and a porn star rejected you. And that's, that's shooting the shot. I think, you know, keep the rock at that point. He says, my confidence is about 50-50. Your confidence, I think, is at. He says, my confidence is about 50-50.

Your confidence, I think, is at a million. It needs to be about 50-50. It's too high, would you say? It should be closer to 10-90, it seems like, for 10 being accepted and 90 being rejected. Tell your wife you're into this type of thing and see how she feels about it. Yeah. And then you can go with God. That's cool.

Yeah, maybe they are a religious couple or something like that. She can spin it in a way that's like in the Bible. Like a sister-wife type of thing. Yeah, or like sort of like a multiple personality situation.

Yeah. Because I think The Last Supper was a low-key orgy. No shit. If you see the painting, it's actually a key party. There's a little bowl with a lot of like skeleton keys in there.

And who's the one that sort of kisses? Is it Judas? Yeah, he actually frenched Jesus so that they knew which one was him, right? Isn't that how it works? You should commission an oil painting that is The Last Supper as an orgy. It's Jesus doing like this this but he's kind of like fucking judas and there's no way this exists already right we thought of it we had yeah there's no way anybody would make such a fucking sacrilegious they'd go to hell like we already are

really what about the mona lisa but there's cleaves? I'm serious. Let's fucking finally allow. We can't record in person. The podcast devolves into this, a literal dick measuring contest and a porn star thing and Jesus jerking off Judas. You said that one. Yeah, and I'm not proud of it. And we're not even airing what we said during the commercial break. Which was entirely too blue to ever have written.

We have to go back to Zoom. We have some humility there. We have the veneer. The screen allows us to look at ourselves. I think that's what it is. Because when you're Zooming, you can see yourself. If I saw myself, I would never say this much. Yeah. It's like I'm a human being.

The vitriol, the dirty poison that I spew. But right now, all I can see is sort of my hands, like my POV, and then your face. Yeah. And I'm okay saying that to you. You would think looking at Casey and Anya, you'd have... I'm ignoring them. I'm trying to pretend that we're the only two people in the room. Otherwise, I'll feel that. I'll feel that energy and i'll be ashamed definitely and that shame is what i feel 24 7 and so i come in here this is hiding from it yes exactly in a way i'm sort of hiding behind the

camera in a way you actually have to spew the darkest ugliest stuff you can because then that that gives you the that like gives you the reaction that you want that would make this shame make sense. Exactly. It's not unlike the journaling thing where it's like, I have to get this out of my head because otherwise I'm thinking about that. And now if I share it with the world now, that's on them.

It's actually, it's almost the opposite of the journaling thing because the journaling thing is like a healthy way to get your thoughts out. You're projecting them into a microphone, giving them to an audience. And I'm forcing, when you say stuff,

you force people to think about it. Like the ski pole thing that you're talking about. People have to have that image because it's impossible not to. And now, now that they have it,

you don't. If I die this weekend and like a lot of new people check out our podcast, this will be the last thing. Should we still release this, do you think? Oh, interesting.

Yeah, because we are recording ahead of time. I guess if I die now, like now, we definitely should because I'm like calling it. This might be an Easter episode. Oh, fuck.

Really? Yeah, he has risen and all that shit. Yeah, totally. That's fine. Ultimately. Yeah, because then it's like thematically relevant. Yeah, I am an atheist.

Right. So ultimately it doesn't really matter. Cheers. Cheers. All right. Thanks for writing in your questions, everybody. Good luck. I'd love a follow-up.

Yeah. Let us know how that goes. Yeah. Did the 50-50 confidence ever waver as you brought this up to not only your wife, but a porn star you met on TikTok? Right. What if he writes his back and says, yeah, worked out. Threesome happened shortly thereafter. I mean, that'd be amazing.

You'd have to be a guest. You're my hero, sir. And if you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all down to ifireroushow at gmail.com. Yeah. As always, this is being simulcasted, video recorded, so you can watch this episode on our YouTube channel. That's right. And for more content, we're watching old Jake and Amir episodes on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. JA.

Thanks to you guys for watching. Thanks to you guys for listening. However you're consuming this, we appreciate it. We'll be back, of course, next week in the theme song. The theme song. Let's see if we can remember. It was a... It was acoustic. It was... Oh, Violet. Yes. It was Christian.

Christian made a parody. It wasn't a band called... It was a hardcore punk band called Violets. V-Y-L-T-S. Thank you, Christian, for making that for us. And we'll be back, I'm sure, next week. Ciao, everybody. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen.

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