Segments - 536: Private Chef

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

In this episode we discuss best friends, bad music, and hot siblings. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. My guitar is broken And so is my heart

Because everything I wanted Is on the other side of hard Did you think that it was gonna be easy Did you think you were the only one Looking back like it's all behind you It's gonna be easy. Did you think you were the only one? Looking back like it's all behind you. You can't see what you've become. Every dream I can see right in front of me. Think you're close, but you got so far.

Why is everything you wanted just on the other side of heart? Whoa. Huge. who want it just on the other side of heart whoa huge we wrote that not really not really okay i think you i feel like you stole the other side of hard thing from greg popovich or something and yeah marty williams right okay and then and then yeah um you know somebody else wrote and performed i mean the whole the rest for us but based i feel like i i'm more of a producer then like a producer type where i'm like i'm matching like who is the guy that sort of like definitely an ideas man for're definitely an ideas man, for sure. For sure. But I wouldn't say it was like necessarily an original idea because you took a quote. I don't want to turn this into like a negative thing.

I think it's really cool. That ship has sailed. Now I want to dig deeper into what you think I am as a man. A fraud, a phony, a phlegs-erous. It is. You only know about the bad music producers. There's like that guy that killed his wife and the guy that molested the the boy bands and it's like i don't know a lot about like really nice good normal musician producers right here about the evil ones i guess which i guess is like most things i suppose yeah which is why people will know your name because you plagiarize coach speeches uh and outsource the work and then try to capitalize on it as your own but maybe that's just in line with

all music producers too right like is that what like dr luke and those swedish people are doing they're just coming up with phrases maybe they've heard it before but you can't copyright like a a motto or uh i believe dr luke is a bad guy isn Another one. That's why we know his name. Is he? I believe he is, but I can't actually be sure. Yeah. Okay, well, we're going to be good music producers and give this guy a shout out. His name is Dustin.

Oh, wow, look at this. Jake and Amir own the entire copyright for this song. I'm only a vessel. They wrote it. I took some liberties with the chorus though this is in writing the best part yeah took some liberties with the actual best part of the song for sure is this what southern country music sounds like what was that it's really mixed because i feel like on the other side of hard is like way too much of a country like that's a turn of phrase that is would definitely belong in a country song and and we even kind of like made it into a country song when we improvised the uh

the song that we sang yeah um but like the acoustic pop punk element of the song was there basically right up until he sang the other side heart, which you really can't say without making it seem a little Southern. Right. It was almost Southern by accident or something country by accident. But that like looking back on what you are or whatever, or whatever, that part was that part was punky. And I liked that a lot. And I, again, I think that you and I should be writing earnest pop punk acoustic ballads. We could theoretically work with this guy.

I'll write the lyrics. I will write the lyrics. So what do I do? I don't, just be around, just be around. I like, we are good working together, but you don't have to tell you what, if you, you'll be the producer, you facilitate getting my lyrics to this guy so i'll like email him email him say hey if jake writes a pop punk song full song i'll write all of the lyrics and the music part or is it just i don't yeah i will kind of i'll give him a riff and i'll give

him some chords for sure but then he'll sort of have to take off yeah he'll have to do the rest i'll write the pop punk song i would like if he took some liberties with the actual you know music though because that part i'm i'll get it done but it's not going to be as good as he could do. So I will write, I will write, no, listen, listen, I will write the verse. I will write the pre-chorus. I'll write the chorus. I'll write the second verse. The pre-chorus is kind of the thing that leads into the chorus. But not the verse. Yeah. The verse, the verse changes every single time.

The pre-chorus can actually stay the same before you hit them with the chorus. Right. Like, you know, and the Jay-Z song was on. Yeah. And the Jay-Z song was on. So I put my hand. But it's like the Jay-Z song was on. Like that part is kind of the pre-chorus.

I see. It's sort of part of the chorus. It really is. Not necessarily, yeah. Yeah. In the musical nomenclature, of which I'm kind of an expert and you're kind of a dunce novice amateur, the pre-chorus is, you know, it's an official term used for, you know, leading into the chorus.

But I'm actually done having to explain myself. What song are you going to, do you know what your song is going to be about? I'm actually done having to explain myself. What song are you going to, do you know what your song is going to be about or is that what you need my help with? It's going to, it'll be about a girl. Every single good pop punk song is about a girl, except for the case of Avril Lavigne,

which it was about a boy. Why do you have to go and make things so complicated? Yeah. I thought you were going to say skater boy, but yeah. Skater boy is also good. That one's about a boy too, for sure. Yeah. I thought you were going to say skater boy, but yeah. Skater boy is also good. That one's about a boy too, for sure.

Okay. And, but you don't know what it's going to be about. You're just going to pick up a guitar and sort of improvise slash get there on your own. I'm going to, when I'm done with this recording, I'm going to sit there and I'm going to write some real fucking heartfelt lyrics that are going to be about start with the lyrics right wanting a girl you can't have that classic classic pop punk yeah dashboard confessional

tom delong boxcar racer type shit that i'm trying to she's like a junior and you're a freshman and there's like no way it'll happen because there you go perfect yeah or you know we could even be two sophomores but she's dating a senior oh yeah that's good actually going away to college oh forget about it about like he's gonna forget about you but i'm right here we still have that's good oh what about we're juniors he's a senior just graduated she's a sophomore but is taking like junior classes because she's hoping to skip a grade. Her locker is on like the west side of the school in like the senior hall.

But it should be in the junior. But it's close to my home room, which is what I'm trying to say. And I actually get to leave campus for lunch as a senior. So I'm telling her we can be more friendly. I thought her boyfriend was a senior. I thought her boyfriend was a senior. Here's what the song is. Her boyfriend, senior, it's summertime. He's going away to college, but her and I, we still have senior year. And I'm trying to say that we can, we can run this school together. The power couple, you know, I'm like, we're still here.

We still matter. That's pretty good. We're still here. We still matter. Don't let your heart break. I don't want to see it shatter. Something along these lines is, is maybe it could be verse,

but it could also be pre-chorus. Yeah. So it's like, it's like about senior year and how this guy is now technically a freshman which is like a lame thing to be but like you know in college so yeah i love that all right cool two states away and we're still here to play or something like that something like that there you go what about punky brewster for the name of our like music collective? That's not bad. That's not bad.

Sometimes, because sometimes they have these quasi legal names or like, how is that band called like Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. And it just seems to work out in the end. But that's, we should be called Punky Jooster. Because. Oh, interesting. Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. is kind of a, you know, it's an extension. Punky Brewster is just a person and it's kind of a play on the genre of our thing. But Punky Jooster is two Jewish punk rocker guys.

And that's definitely legal. Yeah, that seems fine. It's a little anti-Semitic, but that's okay. That's in play for us. Yeah, because we can do that because we're we're both punky and juicers yeah that's right uh okay let's get started this is if i were you this is an advice show after all the only advice pod on the web hosted by us i'm juicer and i'm punky hell yeah and we are punky juicer we wouldn't be the right yeah musicians we're just sort of like the

yeah i would like to do kind of an ashley simpson type thing where i lip sync our songs interesting for sure i do you still want to be the music producer behind the scenes and then every once in a while somebody famous i'd like I'd like the glory. Actually, let me be on stage during it. Yeah, I'd like the glory. I would like the glory. I also, I mean, frankly, if it's possible, I'd like to sing and just be auto-tuned. I want to be involved.

I just don't have the... I can already tell you sort of trying to like grab more of the spotlight from whoever. Like we have to be the behind the scenes. Okay. You can't like have those aspirations because if i could play rhythm guitar and backup vocals but if i can set my mic and guitar up in the center of the stage that's all i need

that's that's the most of it to set you up yeah there's no more than that that's the maximum amount of in the spotlight you can have right there's the you know the bass the lead yeah the drums and the me right in the center this is a good time to let people know that they can watch this podcast because jake's doing some sort of claw hand thing um of course you can listen to the show as you always do but we're also uploading the video to our youtube channel that is correct actually today we might be only uploading the video because for the first 10 minutes jake forgot to hit record on the zoom so if you noticed a shift in audio quality that's what it was i didn't forget

to hit record i actually um hit record but i well i i hit the zoom and i don't think i hit the button or i double hit the button but if anything you hit it twice which is like even more definitely than hitting it it could have been a zoom issue yeah but like i didn't forget to i didn't i don't think i just take i take issue with the fact that you said I forgot to hit record, which I did not. I remembered twice. I remembered it just didn't work out the way I thought it might. Right. I didn't get all the way there for one reason or another.

It could have been human error. It could have been a technical issue. It could have been human error. It could have been a technical issue. It could have been on the Zoom end. Did we even say who did perform that song? Probably not. We're stealing credit already. His name is Dustin. Nice.

That's really cool. Yeah. I don't know when parents decide to go the dustin versus the justin route but this guy seems to be more of a dustin than a justin anyway if you had to choose between those two for your child dustin and justin dustin and justin um i guess dustin because I think there already is a Justin Hurwitz. Really? The guy that made La La Land? Yeah, he came up recently.

Before, we were doing Justin Bieber and Justin Hurwitz and Chase Bieber. Chase Bieber and Justin Hurwitz. Oh, he sent us an email. Really? Justin sent us an email. He said, stop talking about me so much on the podcast. Keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth that's what his wife emailed us to say

keep Justin's name off your freaking show it seems like you're trying to just suck fame off of the wind in his sails which makes sense and he doesn't want you to keep invoking his name in fame and it is true but dust i think dustin uh you know the nickname of dusty is pretty fun i like the yeah i like the dusty the dust what i'd be i like dustin more than justin but i'd be fearful that whenever he said dustin people would say justin and that would just like set them up to correct people. Dustin or Justin.

Yeah, I guess it's a little close, but I do feel like, you know, you hit that. I would just call him Dusty though. And nobody would ever be like, Justy? No. Yeah. Dusty is good, but it's also a bad thing to be. Right. That's true.

Or it's a good thing to be depending if you like dust. I think some people, you know. Universally low Q rating for dust. There's nobody who's a dirtbag climber with their gear in the back, just hoofing it through the mammoth lakes. Yeah, I think they like dust. They live for dust. They like it. Yeah, they want it to be dusty in a way.

About gold dust. Let's take a break. Thanks to to sponsors and then actually answer some questions on the other side of these messages yeah yeah yeah on the other side of these hard awesome the other side of hard thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards,

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we are back um all right no unsolicited advice today because we got to get straight into these questions and answers yeah yeah yeah yeah why have unsolicited advice when we can do solicited advice very good very good uh actually this guy might require some promotion. So let's use his real name, Brad Dunn. Okay.

Let's do it, Dunn. Another kind of dusty style Southerner because he's an unemployed chef in Austin right now. Oh, very nice. He worked his way all the way up to sous chef at a well-known fine dining restaurant for the past five years and through covid but working 80 to 90 hours a week very little money and disappearing on everyone in my life made me want to take a step back and re-evaluate my relationship with work during this hiatus uh my dog partially tore her acl and needed 3100 knee surgery i've been living frugally to help with theally to help with the help of odd jobs,

my parents and partner. But since I've got the time, I started advertising private dinners to help raise money for the operation. People have been responding incredibly positively to it. I think most people would not ordinarily be able to justify the indulgence of hiring a private chef, but the combination of my legitimate experience and the charitable aspect of helping a dog has created the perfect storm of people splurging on the service and getting me to cater events in their home the last event cost me about 200 in groceries and i charged 800 for a dinner of six the people loved it they blew me up on instagram and i gave them a good value. But after like four of these things, I'll have the surgery paid off. And I've had more offers than I need to cover the cost of the surgery at this point. So my question is, trying to make a living off of private chefing is not unappealing

to me right now, and actually seems pretty lucrative and would allow me to set my own schedule and hours. But I suspect business would slow down quite a bit once the element of helping my dog is removed from the equation. Is there a way to smoothly rebrand and still get hired y'all seem like approximately the demographic that i would have to be catering to do you have any ideas about how to keep work going once it's no longer a charitably charged venture and can y'all ever imagine hiring a private chef just for one special evening? You know, Jill's mom actually does this. She's retired now, but she loves cooking. She started doing private dinners, just cooking for people in their house in Palm Springs.

And she gets booked all the time. I'm trying to think like what the website is called, but it's like, there's, there's a website where it's basically like Airbnb for chefs. And so you, so she signed up for it and has been cooking for people. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So like, you know, an Airbnb list your house or whatever on this private chef thing, you, you were like, I'm available to deliver it or, um, you know, cook you and your family or whatever, a delicious home cooked meal.

And she's like done a bachelorette party. She's done like a group of friends all hanging out. And I think Austin is a great place to do it in because there's so many people that go and visit and stay in an Airbnb or whatever. And you can absolutely, you know, give them the experience of cooking a delicious meal. I think the transition from being like, my friends are hiring me because it's basically, it's like, it's almost the equivalent of a GoFundMe except you're actually providing a service. But yeah, you can't necessarily sustain that week to week. You have like all of your

friends supporting you, which is nice. But you want to make the move into private chef. Yeah. Well, do you have to say when the dog surgery is paid for? Like, it was all for the dog, you know, help me out dog. And now the dog happens to be fine. And oops, I forgot to remove that part out of help my doggy catering company that you created uh to help doggies what if okay what if you switch it up it's like okay i'm gonna donate 10 of my protein proceeds to animals that need it then it's like you're still helping animals your dog surgery is paid for but it's still like got that charitable slant that edge yeah so what was the first thing you said lie

about the dogs sir the second thing was nice it was like yeah 10 of the proceeds go to help animals but the first one you even not yet yeah because they never follow up on where the cash goes you can okay so they're both bad yeah i see in fact like even if you were to tear your dog's acl again that would be like a gold mine. No, it wouldn't. Nothing life-threatening, obviously. I think it's debilitating. It's debilitating.

It's debilitating. But business is booming. Not necessarily. Cosmo has to get that. Not necessarily. If you tore the ACL again, then it's another 3100 surgery right so it's not necessarily good for business to actually tear the acl it's good for opa that's just what does opa want from maiming dogs to lead a gangnam style charitable venture i guess he wants to be at the

head of this oh and like and when you make food for other people you can come with little dog food too it's like oh i also made food for your mutt or whatever like yeah opa wants to participate in animal cruelty it sounds like because opa wanted to slice a dog's acl and then oh not slice just sort of set it up to sort of you know give it a little play fetch like yes spray your grass with a bunch of water and then go play fetch on that right and if i have to make a hard cut a little non-contact injury then that's that's surgery cash that you need and who's to say if the surgery costs 3100 or 31 000 why don't you just not gonna follow up just say that you tore your ACL and then you could be on crutches and then you don't even have to cook meals. You just say, can everyone help me pay for my surgery?

You start a GoFundMe, you start a Kickstarter or whatever. They give you the cash for your surgery. You say it happened. You rest for a month and then you're kind of good back to normal but you you know have the cash for a human surgery which is a lot yeah humans ones the human ones are the ones that really cost you especially acl wise i can only imagine yeah i think this is a good venture besides the charitable part because when you go out to a fancy dinner it's going to cost you roughly this much and then you have to deal with getting there and coming

back and maybe there's like alcohol involved that's always like marked up so like people can save money have a home-cooked meal which is like you know more covid safe and you'll do all the dishes too so they don't have any risk on their part it seems like a good idea i mean i wouldn't get a 800 dinner for six once a week but like if it's a birthday party or some sort of special event i can see doing that for sure yeah definitely i would i would definitely find a way to market yourself as a private chef for small intimate events or people visiting the city. God. I mean, I never thought of it that way.

But I'm wondering because I do know how to do the chicken thing. I do know how to do the salmon thing. You try to hurt dogs, man. You try to hurt dogs. You don't know how to cook. You try to hurt dogs, dog. What if they hire me and i'm like okay i was tonight's menu is like this i got a ton of pasta and uh this the chick frozen chicken breasts from costco i'm gonna

microwave that to thaw them because i forgot to do that overnight dropping a trader joe's pizza fuck um i also might do some finger food as fucking a cup of trail mix i have this frozen bag of fried rice that i usually do from whole foods do you guys a six pack of sapporo with two of them missing do you have one of those what's it fucking called the pan do you have like a fucking pan i need like this yeah the heating stove area thing now walk it out walk it out walk it out um turning music on too loud there's no microwave here um and i holding a tupperware with potato in it i was gonna i was gonna do this with cheese. I was going to nuke this. I made this last week.

Oh, God. It actually smells kind of right. You can nuke the smell off. You can nuke the smell off. Do you guys mind eating around the mold? I forgot to ask in my pre-interview thing. This is a good Lonely and Horny episode. Does anyone have a mold allergy?

I do private chefing for bachelorette parties. That's so funny. The stripper doesn't show up and I take it upon myself to emerge from the bathroom. Completely naked. They mace me instantly. Oh, my God. chase you into the desert chase me naked all i have is a wooden spatula to my name and i'm ass nate i'm ass nude in joshua tree god that's good it writes itself people yeah and i should say my dog was recently sick so i would never i would never poo-poo the idea of making another animal ill i i know what that

means now and i've i've had a real come to jesus moment with regards to luke's cough and upper respiratory infection and that's why you had the maturity to not make the joke about tearing your dog's ACL, right? I joke as a means of copes. Nice. And I say that not lightly. Yes, I'll make a rib as a fib, as a goof, so that I can deal. And that's the only reason that I do that. Indeed.

Anyway, simply put, you could probably keep it going it's a good idea and check out that website that airbnb for uh for private chefery i imagine the most annoying part is doing the dishes for everybody yeah like but you know with your if you're turning 600 profit you could maybe pay someone like 150 to just show up in the last hour or even a hundred bucks. Yeah. I don't know.

Well, that's, that's what I was thinking. Like there, you get an, you get a, you get your own sous chef at these things, right?

You bring somebody else. Actually, we did this for like Marty's birthday weekend in Palm Springs. Instead of going out to dinner, there was a person like that that came by and then they also brought somebody else to help, you know, wait, so they they cooked give out all the food or you guys cook but oh so there you go that's exactly what this is yeah um but they said you don't expect him to also clean i mean we have to go at least dutch on this do you mind if i leave it soaking overnight because like a lot of

the grease is sort of baked onto the pan right you should advertise that you also do the dishes but then you say everything needs to soak we gotta soak it that's the way of getting out of out of a way of getting out of doing dishes during the night it's like i mean i can't just i can't clean this right now it has to soak this has to so i obviously i charred the pan and it needs to soak. That's a wine glass. Yeah, but the wine needs to soak overnight. You left it outside, dry and upside down. It's an air soak and it's sort of, yeah, it helps.

I have to leave now. Fair. Let us know. A real follow-up pup. A follow-up pup about a pup that's right let's know how the surgery goes um and maybe next time we're in austin we could do this we'll go there for some shows we'll have a fucking private dinner situation yeah who says no to that not me uh all right let's take another break um thanks some sponse and And answer some more questions on the other side of hard. My God.

Yeah. I hate it. I'm serious. Please never do it again. I'm not even joking. I know. It's the other side. Of hard, right?

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was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial.

Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we've returned. Hello. Here's an awkward sitch that this guy got in with sisters. Nice. Absolutely epic. So we'll call him Taj Mow maury the brother of sister's sister nice

tia and tamera yes taj writes so about a year and a half ago i slid into a girl's dms to see if she wanted to get coffee she left me on red nothing came of it no big deal about six months after that i matched with her sister on tinder We chatted for a bit in the midst of quarantine and nothing really happened either. I knew both girls from college and remained on relatively friendly terms with them both. Not super close, just consistent social media following and casual chatting. Now I'm moving to the city and the woman I matched with on Tinder and I have been chatting about hanging out when I'm all moved in. She's built herself up as a brand up a brand as an expert of the area and she's the only person i know out there so naturally

she was my first instinct to reach out to i didn't think though however that we have a pre-established attraction and she's probably take exception to the notion that i was into her sister and asked her out it's not like i decided, time to go for the sister. I was carelessly swiping through Tinder and it happened that we connected. I'm not even sure she's aware that I was trying to take her sister out. What are the odds she knows already? And does it matter this much that much later?

It's been six months. What would you do? Thank you, Taj. Okay. Wait, so he's... Six months ago, slid into the sister's dm uh-huh sister left her on red right and then there was the matched with this match with the other sister and now he's talking to the tinder sister or the uh dm sister the tinder sister the dm sister

never actually still on red okay now taj you're a smart guy me yeah totally what are you oh because he's the that's the name of the show smart guy i really wanted more i really wanted more from that that was a really short-running show from like 1998 called the smart guy you're the one that called the guy taj so you knew you knew who taj what do you think he was famous for just being their little brother yeah i thought he was like a character on the show or like from full house or something like that i forgot he had his own you can't drop taj maury as being the sit like, you know, having sister, sister without, you know what? Forget it. Let's move on.

Let's move on. Well, this is how popular sister, sister was that they just gave us 51 episodes show to their little brother. Cause that's how fucking famous they were. Talk about nepotism. I mean, come on. Why aren't we talking? I want to cancel his ass.

I think the show was actually canceled. Really? Probably. I mean, yeah. Yeah, three seasons. Right. That's a lot. Not bad.

So, Taj, you're a smart guy. That's good. I think you can deduce, though, that Sister 1 is obviously not interested. So, I think, therefore therefore it neutralizes the whole, the threat at the very least. Like maybe the sister said that, but also you just said, let's get coffee. And then you matched with this other one on Tinder.

You're a single guy and you're asking people out and you like these two women and they happen to be related. But I think you didn't necessarily do anything wrong. And there's nothing that you have to confess to right now it will eventually come up it will eventually come out what i you dm'd my sister yeah because she's also hot that's how hot you are that your sister who kind of looks like you is a fucking nine the real issue you're still a 10 there's some competition and i think i do believe

that you're that you're dm to the sister initially that's gonna it shows your preference and that's gonna come back and bite you but there's not really anything you can do it must be even harder with twins like if you're a twin and you're dating someone, you know for a fact they think your identical twin is hot. Unless it's Jeff and Dave. They're so different that you can literally be attracted to one and repulsed by the other because that's how varied their style is. Yeah. This happened with the triplets when I was in, like, high school and when they were in high school and stuff.

Like, I'm pretty sure that one of the triplets' boyfriends and them broke up and then he dated another one of the triplets. Wow. But they're not even identical. They're not. But you can still, I mean, it's not necessarily about just being identical. It's like wading into the family matters of these things. It doesn't seem healthy for anybody.

Yeah. So you're saying one man smooched two of your three triplet sisters. Yeah, but he's no longer with us. Because you don't kiss my sisters. Why? It seems like a nice moment for them. They're teenagers. I was a bit protective as a brother. They wanted to keep me under a lock and key.

You're 25. You fucking freak. You suck. What the hell is wrong with you? I thought he looked at my sister. No. And even if he did, that's fine. He can look at your sister.

Okay. Sorry about that. Sorry about that. I am sorry about that. Yeah, you're more than sorry. You're under arrest. It's assault. All right.

And I plead guilty. All and i do plead i plead guilty all right then i plead guilty guilty of being a protective big brother all right manslaughter okay murder actually it seems like do you end up dying yes he was in a medically induced coma all right all right all right okay one last question yes hey guys i'm a 25 year old man from salt lake city we'll call him donovan mitchell and i've run into a bit of a sticky situation i'm in love with a childhood best friend of mine we have known each other for close to 12 to 14 years now and do tons of stuff together. We go to the gym, movies, bars. We're even roommates.

The problem is he isn't gay. I'm not going to try to make a move on him. So what should I try to do to cope with these feelings? Thanks, guys. P.S. I want to nominate Amir for the golden mic this episode. I'm sure that he deserves it and totally won't be tacky. Considered denied, you joked about hurting a dog i'll take the golden mic for joking about killing the guy that looked at my sisters

and we're moving right along moving on let's keep the show you joked about going killing somebody i joked pretty casually about a dog's knee injury let's not get easy bogged down in the details all righty you also forgot to record the first 10 minutes i didn't forget and i that's the second time you said forgot to record and i'll have you know i remembered to record i just didn't hit the button correctly and there's a there's a pretty big difference that's worse i don't think it's worse yeah you hit a button wrong yeah it's hitting a button that part's easier it's thin button it's a thin button the hardest button to button um what was the question i'm in love with my best friend

should i tell him um i mean if he's not gay i don't think it would necessarily i mean it depends what do you what do you want out of telling him? If you feel like there's something hanging over you and you need to clear the air and you just want him to know, then sure. But if you are thinking that I want to tell him because he's going to be like, you know what, I actually love you too, then I guess I'm saying just whatever you do, don't do it with an expectation of what's going to happen. And I, I, I think that there is small enough chance of it being like exactly what you're hoping for that it might be worth not. Because it might also make things so uncomfortable because you're roommates. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, but what if he's, if it's truly a best friend, it can't be that bad. It's not like you'd be like, get out of my life forever for that. Yeah.

And maybe, I mean, there's, there's a world where he, he already knows. I think a lot of the time when you like have a secret love for somebody and you're secretly desperately in love with them, they kind of know. So yeah, there's, there's some, there's some instance where you could kind of just assume that you love him and

he actually knows and it's okay that it goes without saying. I'm trying to like, I remember like one of my best friends, this is going back to high school again. I was in love with one of my best friends in high school. And another friend of hers wrote her a long letter basically confessing his love for her. And it made everything really weird. And that was when I resolved to never, ever tell her anything about it. And it still eats away at you to this day. It all worked out.

We hooked up 10 years later when she moved to New York. Really? Yeah. That's nice. It's probably different when somebody's sexual orientation doesn't match. Yeah. I think this is what Chasing Amy is about, isn't it? It's like two friends of a gay girl and they like either confess their love or don't

or something like that yeah you ever see that movie no i didn't and i have no idea what um i basically vaguely know the title and that's it yeah so it's it's a ke Smith movie. Ben Affleck, Jason Lee, and Joey Lauren Adams. Joey Lauren Adams? That's right. I thought you were going to say Joey Lawrence, which would have made me really want to see the movie. Whoa. Whoa. A comic book writer stumbles upon the love of his life, only to discover that she is gay.

There you have it. There it is. We're going to watch this right now and then come back to you with some tips and tricks the end of this thing probably probably it it ends with her realizing that she's straight and loves ben affleck i was gay until i saw ben freaking affleck i mean it's a spectrum so you never you never know you hear about people that are in heterosexual or heteronormative relationships that uh you know date people of the same sex all the time so i'm not saying it's

impossible that's right anything is possible just reading the plot right now it appears as though she sticks to her new girlfriend and then at the end replies oh that was just some guy i knew so got you comes back again somebody that i used to knew somebody that i used to knew what would you do in this situation i would probably never say anything for fear of being rejected slash scared of making things awkward and swallow my feelings until I find somebody else to crush on, of course. Yeah. I just don't know if that's the best idea, but that's what I would do. Right. It's what I would do and have done as well.

But I do think if it's eating away at you, pure heart rule, and you have no expectation um and you know the risks i.e that it could make him feel weird especially because he lives with you then go go with god uh all right thanks for uh emailing us send all those questions and theme songs to if i read your show at gmail.com right people are still i guess still in sticky situations, even in 2022. I thought everybody would sort of figure their shit out by now. But there's always like new interesting wrinkles in life that are sort of disturbing and interesting. It's kind of a very human way and to dissect them and discuss them are been, it's therapeutic, but also kind of interesting slash funny to like have a nice little peek behind the curtain as to like, I would never be able to know what's nailing a 25 year old in Utah, not for this show. So thanks for writing.

Let's get a transcription of that so we can update the podcast description. To that rambling nonsensical sentence. And you can watch this episode as always on our youtube channel uh if i were your show and we're making uh we're still making videos on our patreon patreon.com slash ja yeah and we're making jake and amir videos we made like two this past month a march madness video and um and a wordle video so that's over on youtube.com slash uh jake and amir i think right yeah and i think jakeandamir.com forwards to there so there you go at it as well there's a lot of content a lot of content a lot of content for you uh and thank you to listening for listening to

this episode let's end with dustin's on the other side of hard because it went on for a little bit while longer so let's listen to this whole version. Love it. And Dustin, if you're listening, we're going to hit you with some pretty bold new ideas. Yeah, I've got lyrics. They're coming. They're coming. From the musical duo, Funky Joosters slash Punky Joosters slash Punky Brewsters.

The Joosters, yeah. We'll get to the bottom of that. Thanks for listening, everyone. We'll be back next week. Bye. My guitar is broken. That was a Hiddem original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast.

We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this because brooklinen delivered me a quilt sheets uh pillowcases and i love them plus brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts including good housekeeping gq wire cutter and the hosts of we're here to help so listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice.

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