Segments - 537: Ballad Of Hurwitz And Blumenfeld

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

In this episode we discuss covert tapes, overt favors, and Jake's fitness plan. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. In Brooklyn, New York, at the turn of the century, lived two young comedians so Jewish and coy.

Amir Blumenfeld was a half-man, half-chipmunk. Jake Hurwitz was known as the pinch as a boy. Now these two fine men, they created a podcast. They give out advice never missing a week. Dating and wordle and troubles with housemates. They answer our questions with wisdom we seek. Well, here's what I'd do if I were you, cried Hurwitz and Blumenfeld every Monday.

To hard young podcasters after adventure, you're listening now, yesterday is the day. Now on this here show there are certain awards, a turdy of brown and a mike of pure gold Perwitz has hoisted near 500 gold mikes he's humbled and chuffed and by god he is cheesed but sour and hunched sitting in his dark

corner the chipmunk does nothing but protest and whine his nasty demeanor will land him the turdy not once and not twice but every damn time. Well, here's what I'd do if I were you,

cried Hurwitz and Blumenfeld every Monday. To hard young podcasters after adventure, you're listening now. Yesterday is the day. Damn. Well, there's supposed to be like eight more verses.

The original song, I believe, had 10, 11 verses. That's based on a song you talked about like a month ago called The Ballad of Harbo and Samuelson. I guess our last names are kind of the same as theirs. Hurwitz and Blumenfeld. Yeah. Yeah. Just about. Same syllable-wise. Harbo. I should change my last name to Harbo. I mean, that was incredible. That was incredible. That was just ace. That was absolutely ace. With the Jerry Bryant cover. I mean, my God, my whole entire family is going to love that. Do you think he was doing an accent or he's an Irishman? I think he was.

I mean, Jerry Bryant, I believe, is just from like Massachusetts. So I think it's just kind of like a burl to the voice. I don't think it's much of an accent. I thought that guy was doing an. I might get a little. Yeah, maybe it's a little. Yeah, I guess maybe it's a little yeah i guess maybe it's irish yeah it might or maybe just doing the jerry and bryant impression which is very folksy like that adventure uh that's matthew kazakas kazakas kazakas he actually he also sent chords so you can play this song on the axe.

That's fucking savage. I wish I weren't in the HeadGum studio. I'm so far away from my axe right now. Yeah. What are the chords? I mean, there's just a lot of classics in here. It's got to be like the C, G, D, G or something. Yeah, C to A minor. Oh, yeah, that's good.

Yeah. And then to F to G. Okay, yeah. Yeah. And then to F to G. Okay, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then the chorus. Those are really the standard ones. C4, yeah.

C. Oh, yeah. C4, C. G7. Nice. I know the G7. That's a great chord. Yeah, it's a really good chord.

Yeah. Then it goes back to C. Cool. C is a great chord, too. I think G and C are kind that every song goats every song is just like four chords like is there enough permutation of these chords that make every song ever yeah i mean i think so but there's also there are more than four so um but you know there's the the major chords you'll rarely see a b you do see them like you see yeah this

song is b to fucking e like that's that's not happening that's actually a nice chord progression b to e yeah i was gonna say nothing like an e minor though yeah e minor i know because it's just those two two is is easy, yeah. B, I don't even know what that looks like, really. Like, what's the B? B, it almost looks like a power chord. It's the second string down on the second fret with your pointy. The entire thing?

No, just the second string. The second string. That's good. And then, you know, from the top. And then below that from the the top uh and then then below that on the fourth uh on the fourth fret uh you have the next two covered so it's like those kind of those like middle three right yeah i for whatever reason fourth fret b completely escaped me i never i never see it i never deal with it i never have to play it. I never play B.

It's a bad chord. It's a nice sounding chord. No, it's a nice sounding chord. It's a bad chord. It really is. Yeah. It's a bad... Oh, I'm not recording.

Really? Just kidding. Remember last week? It was awesome. Yeah, I do. I wonder how that ended up sounding. We sort of just sent the audio to Grim, and he pieced it together.

I never verified. Right. Well, at least now I'm in an echoey room. This room is certainly, I'm hearing the echo more and more. Yeah. Also the Zoom, the video stopped recording on your end at a certain point too. Yeah. We have a professional operation that's backed by VCs, and we still jerry-rig our podcast every single week,

cobbled together garbage trash. When we record in the LA office, it looks and sounds amazing. When we do it ourselves, we're getting worse. But we're in a transition phase right now. So it's hard. There's a lot of variables is the problem. Like there's my internet, your internet, your TV, your, your computer, my computer, the recording, the zoom recording locally, putting it all together for everything to go perfectly. Right.

Requires 10 kind of 40% chances to align yeah did that gentleman have anything to plug yeah he had this GoFundMe situation but as we are running out of time yeah let's say a quick namaste to Matthew and and now we're on our merry way do you want to mention the go fund was it like for something charity medical expenses yeah charity okay medical charity expenses medical charity expenses i think i archived the email you can unarchive it we can even edit this part out so you'll just uh leave it in leave it and i feel bad i mean you should feel bad i would if i were you i would want this part edited out because you're sort of like sweeping a good cause

we huff and we puff and we blow your house down we are the colors of norway floating behind uh no he didn't have anything to promote wow yeah all right well he's promoting uh the ballad of harvo and samuelson which again is an incredible song everyone should listen to it i'm gonna ask him if that's his real accent or if he was doing a voice um if he responds during the podcast we'll get back to you guys all right cool love it uh we're getting a lot of uh emails uh about theme song so thanks for sending those in but we need more questions so send up everything to if i read a show at gmail.com that's right here's a few that we did get some really really sexy questions actually interesting yeah i should say this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm josh um okay uh how bad of a guy

am i so this guy is wondering how bad of a guy he is okay let's see if we can answer his question all right cool we'll call him i mean who's a bad guy billy we'll call him billy eilish but it's like a guy named billy eilish interesting why is billy irish eilish a bad guy because she has a song called i'm a bad guy duh i didn't know that yeah it's a Do-do-do-do-do-do. Yeah, it's a really popular song. Okay, here we go. First time listener, 26-year-old male in a relationship with a 26-year-old girlfriend. We started fighting regularly. It seemed like in every fight, there were multiple miscommunications with us having very different ideas of what happened. She would say, I said something I would frequently think I didn't say.

It felt like gaslighting, and it was making me crazy. With all this fighting and miscommunication, I brought up the idea of recording our fights so that we could listen back to them and recognize the problems we were having to fix them. She didn't like the idea. I asked her why, and she didn't have a reason. She just didn't want to do it. A few weeks later, we were having a particularly bad fight where we were talking about breaking up and i thought fuck it i'll record this one without telling her oh i didn't tell her about recording the fight and ended up recording a few other fights over the next couple months see the floodgates were kind of open on the fight recording thing then last week we were fighting and she brought up

the things that i say and she'll call me out for saying them and i'll say i didn't even say that then i said i've recorded some of our fights and there are multiple instances of you saying i said something that i didn't say uh this as you could guess did not go over well. She was super pissed. In my head, what I did is not actually that bad. It's obviously not cool to go behind your partner's back and do something they are not comfortable with you doing. But she insists that there was something else that makes it very bad and won't tell me what. If I ever had told her, it would have had no effect on her. I was just trying to recognize mistakes i was making in fights am i crazy did i do something that bad or is my girlfriend gaslighting me again

there's that word people like saying gaslighting a lot yeah it's good but it's it's a very good phrase i feel like it it's it conveys almost exactly what it is. Which is somebody accusing you of something that you didn't do. It's just somebody that is intentionally or not riling you up. Is it usually intentional or usually not? I think that there's probably differing degrees. I don't think it's outright intentional where it's like, I'm going to fucking gaslight this person.

But I think that it's just a communication style that a lot of people have that is unhealthy. And I think that not addressing it is almost at this point akin to doing it on purpose. So in this version, it's like, how can you say that you don't think that and he's like i never said that you're gaslighting me basically trying to convince me that i said something that i didn't say yeah it's essentially like drawing him into a fight

that he doesn't want to be in and didn't deserve to be in necessarily and so he said, why don't I get a fucking court stenographer to read back exactly what I said to you? Yeah. Which I mean, I think that idea on its own has some merit. I do feel like recording a argument actually makes it a little more civil because once you know you're being recorded, you'll probably just behave a little bit differently that said she did not know she was being recorded so and that's like the crux of the short the bad part of the deal right you knew the recording was happening and it probably made you fight differently you almost it's almost like you baited her into having a different type of fight like i think the playing field wasn't exactly level because people are a

little, they'll probably, you know, measure their words differently when they're on the record. And she didn't know she was on the record. She thought it was off the record. So that's one of the things. The other one is that you brought it up. She said no. And then you violated her trust trust which is a big deal

that's another big no-no yeah it's a no-no um the third thing i'll say even though you didn't ask is just that it sounds like you guys should break up because of the constant fighting the recording the backstabbing i think the relationship is broken i think think that's okay. I think you run its course. You gave it a shot. Why not just call it quits because you're not happy. She's not happy. You're going to want to break up at 26 and you're both 26. Yeah. I think 26 is the time when you sort of start to think like, Oh, I want to be an adult. Like I want my relationship to work. I'm old enough that these are supposed to be real lasting relationships. This could end in marriage. Um, so you maybe have like a little more hesitance around walking away, hanging it up. You don't want to start over but yeah i would say there is life after 20 there's life for relationship after 26 that's right um so you

can apologize during the breakup you can be like you know what this is so fucked up i'm sorry what are we doing yeah i'm gonna record this just so you can play it to yourself later but i think we should not be together and then you click on unrecord and then you can play it over and over that's cool so you're sort of trolling slash instigating a new fight but it's okay because you're burning a bridge on the way out yeah that's an interesting way to go out to fully burn a bridge yeah and in fact we record this stuff over zoom so you can almost do it over zoom you know there's a recording in progress so she hears it she knows right and she has to click a button that says got it which is nice oh really is that how it works on your end yes it says recording in progress and then there's

like a little button that i either uh can deny or say got it or like this yeah i can like leave or say that it's fine that's good that way she's for sure on the same page about it being recorded. This whole thing reminded me of, I just watched the Ryan Murphy show about the impeachment, the Monica Lewinsky-Bill Clinton scandal. Did you watch that one? Did you like it? I watched the pilot and I was like,

oh, fuck this. I can't. It was too boring. I really liked it. I like those shows. The OJ show, the Versace show. I loved the OJ one. Yeah.

I loved the OJ one. The Lewinsky one. It was the OJ one. Yeah. I love the OJ one. The Lewinsky one. It was all good to me. Right. Like very, very dramatized. Yes. Of course.

Something I vaguely knew about but didn't know all the details of. That's my sweet spot. Right. I guess I should. I probably should like it more, but I didn't. Yeah. Give it another try. Let's take a break break why don't you watch

the other nine episodes and let me know what you think really yeah yeah go home and watch the nine episodes i think we could talk about it in the second act all right i'm interested uh all right let's take a break thanks some sponsors come back and answer more questions on the other side of these messages you got it quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love exactly it's a survey that lets us know what you think about uh the ad experience but in order to do that we need to know a little bit more about you our our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if

you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can

update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz. With a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off

your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace and we're back um i don't know if you actually went and watched nine episodes of American Crime Story Impeachment. No. Yeah. I mean, I did.

That's what makes you sort of a Linda Tripp. You are quietly and secretly recording conversations with me, a Lewinsky type. I see. Because who did you have oral sex with? The company? How was your first day? You know?

Wait, who plays Bill Clinton in that? Oh, oh great question clive owen and he's great oh wow that's good he does a very good clinton he just doesn't get too rattled even though the world you think you're stressed out imagine like you built your entire life up and now your marriage is crumbling in a public fashion as the republicans are out to get you ken star and colin hanks colin hanks oh wow what a cast it's a great cast i i highly recommend it that's my unsolicited advice but you said you had a funny story instead oh yeah i do have a story um so this morning i went to i joined a gym i joined the gym across the street from the office, right? Baller. Yeah. And I signed up for a fitness class, something I don't usually do.

But I like Peloton workouts. I do like a guided workout every once in a while. Yeah. So I said, you know, I had a long weekend. I was like, I'm going to kick my butt on Monday. Long weekend, you mean like no exercise and indulging in food or just sort of like a, yeah, no, relaxing one. Um, a little bit. No, not that one. I exercised. I had a, a beautiful day of exercise on Saturday, but then I did go out and get absolutely smashed on Saturday night. Whoa. Um, and I was hung over on Sunday. So I did have to have a bacon,

egg and cheese. And I did have to have a steak, a cheesesteak for dinner. Okay, it's kind of the only way I could feel normal. Right. So then I decided I'm going to exercise today, I signed up for a class called cardio sculpt. Oh, that sounds very difficult. Yeah i was like oh this is like some kind of high intensity type oh no yeah that's hard i got there the class was around 20 to 30 people um the only other man in there was the instructor okay and what time was this this is at eight uh early pretty early pretty early i i mean i had to get up at like seven i'm on the subway at 7 30 in my class is it kind of cold out no no it's beautiful out everything everything's been great so far i get to the class sometime i'm excited but then i see it's it's all women and i'm like i wonder i don't i wonder if this class is like am i weird for being

here right um then the music starts and everyone kind of starts dancing and they all know style they all know the steps they sure do it's like you're hopping on on one on your left foot while also taking like a light weight and like doing presses but then like you turn and you spin and you punch and it's like fucking fully choreographed yeah and the instructor just keeps on yelling at me come on sir and he and he doesn't have to say your name because you're the only sir i'm the only sir there and he was encouraging me but i was doing so badly that i was i like it more than once during the class I just like stood there laughing at myself because it was so fucking insanely dumb that I was there.

Did you consider just leaving? Yes, very briefly. And I was like, it's going to be worse if I leave, I think. So I'm like, I'm going to suffer through. I'm going to try to learn it. But like the entire class, like there's just a mirror that runs the whole length of the class so you're

watching yourself in the mirror and like me so flat-footed and dumb next to 30 in sync ballerinas dancing with weights it was so funny there's like fucking spin moves and i don't know it was like yeah i basically i basically couldn't do anything. You basically crashed a dance class intermediate level as a complete beginner. Yeah. They should have warned you, right? Yeah. Somewhere it should have said dance because it just said cardio.

And I'm like, oh, I can do burpees. Yeah. But no, it was just a a true zumba and how is the actual level of like uh cardio or like were you able to keep up was it hard on that level it was hard i mean like the moves that i could do for instance were like jumping jacks with um seven and a half pound weights in my hands wow so it's like and then like you jump you split and your arms are going like out up you know those are those are the moves that i could do it's kind of like the reverse lunge with the curl yeah um squat pulses but it

was all of the like kind of like dancing side to side which was about half the class that i just had to like find my own way during that everyone was spinning and I just didn't spin at the end of the class. Did you just like walk out, give everyone a nod? Like, sorry about that. Uh, this won't happen again. Yeah. I didn't, I made a point to not stand up and put my weights back until everyone had kind of emptied out. I stretched on the mat for a while. So it was only me at about five other women when it was over. That's good. Yeah. So I'll never, I'll never take that class again for sure. Cause I think I, I got an only okay workout with the parts that I could do were very hard. So I'm sure it was a very hard workout, but since I couldn't do all of the,

like, it's hard to, to basically hop on one foot and with your other foot you're doing like a high kick at the same time as like pointing over here it was like so and then yeah so i was like either i couldn't do anything or i was like about to pull my back if i just like started flailing my arms around with the weights did it turn you off to classes in general you're like all right i'll try another one next no i still i like classes i'll just never ever do one that i i don't think i'll try a new one anytime soon or maybe i'll do a little more research and did you work out after that or was that like all right that's a good call that a monday i hit the steam room after that but it's not called the monday yet i'm gonna go

climbing this afternoon so wow two days yeah i'll get a two a day my new workout regimen is i've been calling it the three by three by three by five that's three by three by three yeah so in a given week in seven days i'm lifting three times i'm doing cardio three times i'm climbing three times wow doing ab exercises five times ab exercises like sit-ups or like a full uh 45 minutes separate thing from the other no that just like sit-ups like an eight minute abs tap like tagged into every one of those days basically wow wow that's a lot because rock climbing is already kind of a weight workout yeah so i'll do i usually climb on on the days that i do a cardio so if i do a bike ride in the morning i'll climb in the afternoon or run in the

morning or climb in the afternoon you know that's a lot yeah yeah it's a lot but summer's coming oh i see you gotta have beach ready bodies by then that's the idea oh yeah i'm also surfing i went surfing on friday did i tell you that no that hurt your ribs didn't it yeah the first time uh it did hurt my ribs this time i waited until they felt mostly better and i was a little worried that i was just gonna immediately re-aggravate it but i yeah it felt fine wait you took a surfing class yeah another one on friday this past friday in long island yeah rockaway same people as last time or this is the new situation rockway is actually queens um but uh no i was our friend amanda my friend leah i've been going with um

but they couldn't go this past week. And I didn't know when we were going to be able to go again because I'm about to travel. So I just went by myself. Wow. And how was it the third time, fourth time? It was better and worse at the same time. This is my fourth time. So, so the waves, the third time I went, the waves were like scary big. They were like six feet and it was like

a little bit too big the instructor was a little afraid for us yeah um and i basically stood up like once or twice but i got kind of wrecked like when this passed wave finally crashes it hurt you yeah it was more about like i would essentially fall off just about every wave because they were so big and scary and then getting back out was just like a real endeavor because they're crashing all over you right and it's kind of cold out right aren't you going in the morning east coast style yeah it was this time when i went it was pretty warm it was like 50 degrees the water was like in the 50s and you wear a thick wetsuit so i couldn't even i was like hot this time i couldn't feel it last time i was a little cold like at one point a wave just hit me

in the face and the water went down the back of my wetsuit and i was like oh it is insanely cold right but this time it felt really good um and the waves were a little smaller they were like three feet so i was able to stand up again, but I'm now I'm doing the, you know how when we surfed, uh, we got the push, the push really goes a long way. Yeah. That's when the instructor literally shoves your board because you're a little child and you can't quite get the forward momentum yourself. Yeah. The first time we surfed was in Mexico and they didn't even let me look back. They would just tell me to paddle and then they would push the board and then yell stand. So I was surfing, but I wasn't learning to surf really. It was turnkey. Yeah. And then in the Rockaways,

I was, the guy was still pushing me, but he was kind of telling me, you know, to look back and like try to judge a wave. And then this last time i was paddling for my own waves wow which essentially just meant that i missed every single one because you couldn't time it right because there wasn't a guy yelling at you push push push and literally pushing your board yeah exactly so i would he'd like paddle paddle paddle i'm paddling i'm paddling as hard as i fucking can my arms are about to fall off i feel the wave coming paddle paddle paddle paddling so hard it like it feels like i'm maxing out in the shoulder press. And then the wave just passes.

Passes you by. Yeah. And then I try to stand, but I'm just standing in. After the wave. After. It's over. So were you able to time it right? Do you have to just start earlier?

Yeah. to time it right where you do you have to just start earlier um i think i yeah i think i need to i think i need to place my board in a better place and maybe try to be a little more selective about which waves i'm going for yeah because like i'm paddling for some that are going to break too late for me to actually be able to like stand up on them so but but at least it's a workout the very least yeah exercise it's definitely a workout and i stood up a few times so it's really fun and i fucking love it didn't you also go paintballing recently for the first time yeah wait did i tell you did i tell you about the paintballing oh you're just trying all these unique exercise experiences recently well the surfing the surfing is like a real hobby that I want to, you know, what's the word?

Absorb into my life. I want to work that one in. Paintballing was for my brother-in-law's bachelor party. And that one was like. Would you say it didn't take as much as the surfing did? I definitely had more fun than I thought I was going to oh that's good i was like when i was going i was like i'm a little afraid and i don't think i'm gonna have that much fun and then when i was there i was like probably a little more afraid because the balls definitely

hurt yeah yeah and i mean i this was three weeks ago and i still have a well on the my inner thigh from from one of those things right I think if I I would totally go again and they were like oh just wear clothes you don't really care about it's like no but we saw people that when we got there at like that took it seriously and they're wearing tactical gear and pads and stuff it's like I was wearing an old sweatshirt and wait they don't put you in fatigues? Don't they like dress you up? No, no. You can buy that stuff if you want.

So I bought a pair of gloves because I didn't have one. And I did get hit in the fucking knuckle and it hurt like hell. Doesn't it seem like this would not be legal? Like it would hurt too much to actually do? Like this is part of the game being this hurt. It's not like something went wrong and you were bleeding. Totally. And there's, I mean, what they give you, they give you the mask and that's it.

So it's like. That's important. But there's a lot of. That don't mean you won't be blind. But there's still a lot of exposure. Like the back of your head is exposed. Yeah, your neck. It's not a helmet.

Yeah, your neck, your ear. Your ear is exposed? I hit somebody in the fucking neck. Maybe not your ear. No, not your ear. But like. The back of it. Yeah.

What about like your Adam's apple? You can just get fucking welted yeah exposed absolutely exposed i had a die like if someone hits you point blank in the house with a paintball it seems kind of like it because those things fly they're so hard and they don't always break i got hit by one like three times and it just didn't break and i would like so i'd like go to i break i got hit by one like three times and it just didn't break and i would like so i would like go to i thought i was out i'm like okay i have to leave but they're but i'm just like looking it didn't break i'm like well fuck no i'm still i'm still here did you were you like laughing when you got here were you like ah that like really fucking hurt um i probably the second one i mean i like smiled so i'm like this is insane but i it did like it

hurt a lot yeah and um but it was cool because like when you it really does feel like flight or flight or flight or what is it fight or flight oh fight or flight yeah uh like it's probably the longest stretch of time in a while that i was just doing something that all I thought about was that immediate moment of like don't get shot. Where are they? Where is the paint coming from? How do I survive? You couldn't be on your phone during it. No.

You couldn't check out at all. So we did like probably 10 or 15 games in total. Wow. It's like two sides and there's different like kinds of barriers. And you're just trying to shoot everyone in that team. It's almost like dodgeball, get everybody out. And then we changed courses a few times. One time we played a fun game called President where my brother-in-law, he was the president. He had no gun, and their job was to just bring him over into the back of our line without him getting shot.

That's cool. And they were able to do it. They were trying to assassinate. Yeah, we were trying to assassinate him. And then we also played one, because Dan, my sister's fiance, is kind of insane, and he made he had the the like paintball instructor make a video of him uh with no gun just sprinting around and everyone shooting him jackass style he got absolutely smoked yeah um but then the last

thing this i'll tell this one quick because but you would like this we did a uh free-for-all mac last man standing melee battle royale and it was just like absolute mayhem all of us all over this like um this field that looked kind of like a destroyed city it had like three uh dilapidated cars and some like weird tree houses and buildings and stuff yeah um fully felt like you're in call of duty and it was every man for himself everyone out there was trying to kill you and i and i won wow you won how many people did you kill um 12 and then what was it like when it was down to the last two, you were just running around trying to shoot the other person while they tried to shoot you?

Yeah, it was, what was great. Cause like I, I knew where this guy was and I basically left my fort, my little hiding spot without him. I shot it. I shot, I was shooting at him a bunch, kind of like making him take cover and not know where I was and then when i found my new cover he was still shooting at my old spot um and then i sort of opened up fire on him from a new location he was exposed he had to run out and i and i hit him while he was running yeah it was

like a fun strategy hold on hold on i have to go to the bathroom. This part doesn't count. Do not touch me. And then you open fire time. You said, shit, I'm out. I think I tore my fucking Achilles. Don't shoot me. And then he took his mask off to help me. Shot him in the nose. Oh! Another lonely and horny episode.

Ah! I fucking tore my ACL. Help! Help! Everybody comes over to help you. 20 minutes later, the vibe has clearly changed. That's when you open fire on people. That's right.

All right. Well, there you have it. So there's paintball, there's a Zumba class, and surfing. I mean, you're have it. So there's paintball. There's a Zumba class and surfing. I mean, you're getting it from all sides here. Yeah, that's right. Summer is coming. You have to be active.

Okay, let's take another break. Thanks for the response. Come back on the other side of this. Messages. Yeah. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back.

That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards, and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten

your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some

money on you select between two and six players and I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits.

Very cool. Download the new DraftKings Pick 6 app now and use code SEGMENTS. That's code SEGMENTS for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits only on DraftKings Pick 6. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem?

Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregon connecticut must be 18 plus age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions pick six is not available everywhere including new york and ontario void were prohibited one per new customer non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months limited time offer Right. Promos. There it is's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. All right, we're back. Let's try to answer some questions. Yeah, about time, about time.

Enough of your active routine. We have to figure out if this person should try to get his fiancée's sister pregnant. What? Yeah. So this guy, we'll call him frankie the finance fiance says my fiance's sister and her husband have been trying to have a baby for a year and a half with no luck the next step is to try ivf but they're very scared about the process but here's the thing i think i could get the job done see the husband is a shrimpy little fellow who just doesn't strike me as viral.

Virile? Something about this overall vibe just screams, I don't know how to pass my genes on biologically, let alone if they are even worth passing on at all. I just feel so bad for my fiancée's sister. She wants a kid so badly, and it's not going to be able to help. So should I offer my services to her? Should I run it by my fiance first so she can help me broach the topic with her sister? I'm sure the husband will be grateful. I'm very handsome. Thanks for

the advice. Wait, he's offering to fuck his fiance's sister? Or they can just use the sperm. I mean, we'll figure out the details later. The real question is right now. Is it the, well, that's what I'm curious about. Is that, is it, is that, is it the sperm? Like, can you just be a sperm donor or do they have to have sex? Let's say it's the sex. Is that, is it, if it's IVF, I don't, I guess I don't understand how IVF works.

Yeah, IVF, I think they take the semen and the eggs and they put it together in a lab somewhere. Right. So in theory, he's going to do IVF with his own sperm or have sex with her. But if they're afraid about IVF, it feels like he's just offering to fuck her. Either one, I'm kind of intrigued about how to broach the topic i wouldn't i just i don't think i would you would be like i don't think i would good luck and good night yeah i mean you want to at least say by the way if you guys would be down like this is not anything I would be

against. Right. Well, then I guess you should wait until there's a family dinner where everyone's kind of all, like Easter. Easter just passed. What's the next one? Fourth of July, but it should be a religious one. It should be Memorial Day. Rosh Chodesh. Oh, Memorial Day's not bad. Or the end of

Pesach. Yeah. Passover. Yom Kippur. Yeah. So you guys are at a dinner table, maybe eating lasagna. Things are tense. Right. And ideally you interrupt. Unrelated, but I could fucking get you pregnant, I bet. Just because he looks kind of like he can't pass his jeans on.

So I'll take my jeans off that's the lasagna i'm joking sorry i have a really small throat i was born with a narrow opening and i still got this far far the only thing that's narrow oh god i'm shitting myself i have like i think i have like some sort of like ulcerative colitis or some shit oh my god thank god i'm so freaking good socially otherwise it wouldn't get by yeah i don't think this is something you can bring up um yeah unfortunately you uh you're very i don't even want to say polite to offer but it's i guess nice it's sort of nice but I I guess your intentions

seem a little dubious yeah do they not do they not yeah I mean especially if it's about actual sex a lot of people wouldn't do this they wouldn't be like I don't want to give my genes to a child

that I wouldn't be able to raise yeah well I mean I think you also that's that's interesting it's true i don't know would you be okay with that hard if a friend of yours came to you and said can we borrow your sperm for our child would you be like no i like i kind of want to save it for my children or would you be like, yeah, it doesn't matter. What do I care? Probably depend on the friend. Let's say it was, I don't know, Amanda,

who you went surfing with. Oh, yeah. I would definitely do that. You would give her? Yeah. No moral qualms about having a child out there that's not necessarily yours. No.

And I think that would be nice because it would make me closer with Amanda and I'd probably be close to her child. That'd be cool. Yeah, you'd be a closer with amanda and i'd probably be close to her child that'd be cool yeah you'd be a half on both sorts yeah but if it was someone i didn't think would be a good parent if you asked me i would be like i don't think i think i could do i want to put my bloodline in on the line incapable yeah exactly yeah exactly right i wonder if like something tragic happened

and the child was killed would you like would i feel guilty like oh sorry about that i know you sort of went on a limb for me left the old thing in the ocean let's do one more now that i know what the rules are i would think we would all be sad but definitely the way you're behaving now is is a good reason for why i would go like this i love lucy sketch yeah this is gonna sound random slash sad but but you know how I went to the beach with your blood? Your flesh and blood? My child, your life. Just, yeah, one and the same.

And now do you notice how it's just me here? So guess what happened? That awkward moment when the swell took my childish slash yours out to sea and gave him a low-key viking funeral i haven't been back to the beach in a minute but he might have washed up totally fine i wouldn't put it past the dude he's a fucking he's a hurwitz through and through all you're a fish you know that this is for our fifth episode of stuck where yeah yeah we're stuck emotionally in this case yeah we have to write that by the way i think i would i would be okay with that too because it's like all the um kind of curiosity of having a child without necessarily any of the responsibility so it's like oh now i could see what my bloodline would look like

but at the same time i don't have to wake up in the middle of the night to handle the feedings and the trials and tribulations raising a child it's like your neighbor getting a puppy you're like oh great or roommate play yeah yeah i could play with this dog but dog, but it won't really interfere with my life. I think I can say with great certainty that donating your seed slash sperm is literally the equivalent of a roommate getting a cat. Like there's zero difference on a grand cosmic like zoomed out scale I guess if you zoom far enough out where nothing really matters like all the way out

we're a pebble on a fucking grand cosmic map that will completely disappear one day all of our heroes mean nothing yes exactly blink of an eye on the cosmic timeline i do think no matter how you bring it up if people start saying that they

want to donate cum instead of sperm or semen it's extra funny it's like yeah i went to a cum bank you can't give it then you've disqualifiedqualified yourself. I wanted to give the gift of my cum to people that can't have children of their own. Sounds worse. Yeah, definitely. You sprung from my cum. The sperm bank has to give you the DQ. They can't accept it at that point. They might hear the whole, you lost your kid in the ocean type

joke. That was a goof. That was a bitch. That was locker room talk. Locker room talk. Locker room talk. I didn't actually mean that. Do you know anybody that's actually donated sperm for money? It's a very

funny way of raising cash, but I don't know anyone that's ever actually done it. No, I don't think I... I also don't. How much cash do you even get for it? I don't think very much. Can't be very much, right? It must just be about the story. Yeah. The joy

of getting $70 to masturbate in an office. Usually you get in trouble for that kind of shit. I know I did, yeah. All right. Thanks for writing in those really thoughtful questions, whether they be about

whether or not you should impregnate your fiance's sister or anything else in the world that seems to be ailing you. Yeah, that's right. We opened this episode with an amazing theme song submission. So keep those theme song submissions and questions coming. Please.

If I were you show at gmail.com for all of it. And of course, these are being recorded as video episodes that you can watch on our YouTube channel. And there's more of us goofing around watching Jake and Amir videos on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J-A. Ja. Ja, ja. Of course, we'll be back next week, as always, forever and ever. Yeah.

Thanks for listening, everybody. Let's end with that classic Harbo and samuelson song again hell yeah thank you i can't hear it there it is in brooklyn new york at the turn of the century lived two young comedians so Jewish and coy. Amir Blumenfeld was a half-man, half-chipmunk. Jake Hurwitz was known as the pinch as a boy. Now these two fine men, they created a podcast.

They give out advice never missing a week. Dating and wordle and troubles with housemates they answer our questions with wisdom we seek well here's what i'd do if i were you cried her wits and blooming fell every monday to hardy young podcasters after adventure you're listening now yesterday is the day now on this here show there are certain awards a turdy of brown and a mic of pure gold her wits has hoisted near 500 gold mics he's humbled and chuffed and by God he is cheesed but sour and hunched sitting in his dark corner

the chipmunk does nothing but protest and whine his nasty demeanor will land him the turdy not once and not twice but every damn time well here's what I'd do if I were you cried Hurwitz and Blumenfeld every Monday.

To hardy young podcasters after adventure, you're listening now, yesterday is the day. That was a Hiddem Original. and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set,

which is the thing I got, extra extra pillowcases and a duvet cover you can also mix and match they do this stripe thing that's cool but that's a dealer's choice so are you ready to build your dream fall bed visit in store or online at brooklinen.com that's brooklinen.com b-r-o-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.