Segments - 538: Chess Lessons

Episode Date: May 2, 2022

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This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Can you hear that? My guitar is broken, so is my heart

It'll be okay on the other side of heart I can't park my car and I can't play my guitar It'll be okay on the other side of heart. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show starts now. Wow. Very nice. Soothing. An absolute.

A day one all the way up until the day, whatever last week's episode was, 500 something. Amazing. The whole run. It was a cover of our first theme song, which was you playing the guitar and singing, or maybe me singing. I believe I played and sung. And then also a song that we made up a few weeks ago called The Other Side of Hard, which I'm sort of claiming ownership over the idea slash book, music and the book by me. The IP, the 360 intellectual property. We own it in perpetuity. Basically, it's trademarked slash licensed under us.

Yeah. perpetuity basically it's trademarked slash licensed under us so when you send us a theme using that even though you think you're being cute that that is a lawsuit that is a cease and desist and we will be suing you into oblivion you understand just by submitting it he's being sued basically yeah right yeah every every email we get every forward that's passed along links questions is an affidavit slash subpoena to meet our asses in court right we will enter litigation if you think we'll settle out of court you are mistaken you're absolutely mistaken. Because we like going to court.

We like trying the case. We will bury you in legal fees. And ourselves in the process. You don't want to fight us because we are slowly eroding our capital to the point where we can't basically have the legal funds to fight these battles. These are losing efforts. We have nothing to lose. We have nothing to lose, though. We're the most dangerous kind of opponent because it doesn't matter to us.

Win, lose, or draw. As long as we've taken you down with us, then we're good. It's a kamikaze legal mission of sorts. Basically, you've been served your papers every time you email us a submission. So for example, that was Michael Dibart. Michael Dibart, yes. And you will be found guilty in the court of law and the public opinion. Right, exactly. So it says, sorry about the poor audio quality. That's something that we could sort of hang our legal case on. Exactly right. Yeah.

I just did it as a- You just waived your Fifth Amendment rights, buddy. I just did it as a voice memo and sent it with no edits. That's- Great. Basically, I've said it before, but that's an affidavit. It absolutely is an affidavit. Yeah, that's an admission of guilt. It's a settlement. That is a mea culpa come to Jesus moment. A fucking confession at the 11th hour. I mean, my God, you're done.

It absolutely was a mea culpa. That's right. It's an admission of guilt on two acts, actually. Plagiarism and vehicular manslaughter. Both of the third degree. Yeah. And we'll actually take you to, what is it? One is like for cash and the other one is for punishment or something like that. Yeah, yeah. It's like a civil case in a federal case or something. Yeah.

So we're going to do the civil one and then we're also going to do the other one. The one where like OJ got sent to jail or he owed cash, but he didn't go to prison or anything like that. Yeah. You'll be tried twice. You'll be tried twice. It's a civil suit. It's a civil suit.

From two uncivilized brutes. Yes. And you have nothing to stand on you don't have a leg to stand on because we represent ourselves we represent ourselves in and out of court that's right um he has nothing to plug so now i kind of feel oh now i feel kind of bad um yeah because he kind of did that out of the kindness of his own heart right and uh his name is nemo according to this email signature so thank you finding nemo thank you uh all right this is if i were you the only advice pod on the web hosted by both me and you i'm amir i am j am Jake. You flew, you were in Texas like just earlier today. This morning. I woke up in Dallas. Jesus. The day before, yeah, the day before I woke up in Austin. So we are- How did you get from Austin to Dallas? I drove, I drove a Buick Enclave.

Wow. Everybody packed into that car? Yeah, because we brought merch with us. So I figured it was easier to haul all the boxes in the car than check them and stuff. And it was. It was really, it was a nice drive. And how, yeah, how long is that drive? Little under three hours, like two hours, 45 minutes. And through the heartland of Texas, just parts of Texas you don't necessarily think about. Yeah, you know, you go through waco it's it's i mean it's so small though like texas is such a big state those two cities are pretty close to each other yeah two and a half hours in texas

yeah yeah it's a small chunk of texas any funny texas stories oh or did everything just go according to plan you know everything everything did go pretty smoothly i don't think there was anything that was like you never saw like a crazy guy with a gun by accident or something like that or maybe like no a fan or something without teeth and he was sort of interrupting the live podcast we certainly certainly saw a lot of Austin loves President Trump signs. They were outside of Austin, admittedly. So I don't know how much Austin loves him, but definitely surrounding Austin, they do. I see.

So there's sort of a red island in the blue island in the red island. Yeah. Yeah. I think that seems about right to me. That's cool. But those were NADPOD shows. That's why I wasn't there. If anybody's listening and confused, yeah.

We didn't have Yugo on this one, but you'd be welcome to go. I thought that was kind of weird, yeah. Yeah. Were people like, where's Yugo? Is Yugo gonna come? I wonder if Yugo is here or anything like that. Did you? No one has ever asked about Hugo at a live show.

You are not missed nor desired to be there. I wonder if somebody like thought that but didn't feel comfortable asking. I could imagine that because we're on stage with microphones like during a show and they'd probably have to heckle to say, where is you go? Where is you go? Yeah. Right. Yeah.

I hope that doesn't happen in a live show. We just gave some brazen asshole an idea. Some jackass who now wants to be a part of the show is going to yell it. He's going to fucking work himself up to it too. Yeah. Convince his friends that he's going to get hammered enough to yell about Yugo. Absolutely.

Yeah. And I appreciate that actually. Actually talking about getting wasted. We actually got a very interesting question about giving somebody the gift of whiskey for their birthday. Love that. I love whiskey. We'll call this guy Jack. All right.

Jack Daniels. Right. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I recently came to some cash and my best friend's birthday was coming up. So I said, fuck it, let's get this dude an expensive bottle of whiskey he's not like a whiskey guy or anything but he's not opposed to list liquor so i buy an 87 bottle and give it to him and he's quite pleased with the gift fast forward a few days later and we're hanging out and he breaks out the bottle and to my horror he starts mixing it with coke this is an expensive liquor and i call him out on it. And I tell him that he should sip it instead. He says he doesn't really like whiskey by itself and would rather mix it.

And proceeds to make a mixed drink with it for the rest of the night. Is it weird that I'm bothered by this? I knew he was going to do this. If I knew he was going to do this, I would have just gotten a bottle of Jack or something. But on the other hand, once I give him the gift, it's his to do with what he pleases. And I shouldn't be upset because it doesn't affect me at all. What do you guys think?

Love the new episodes. Love NADPOD. You guys rule. Seize the cheese and toda. Gracias. I believe Marie Kondo says, a gift once given has served its purpose. So it's not about what you're doing with it or what the recipient is doing with it.

You have given the gift. You've shown your affection. And that is the purpose of the gift. It has been fulfilled. Why are you looking at me like that? I don't think so so i'm developing this new sort of character called the i don't think so gopher and whenever you sort of say things that i don't necessarily agree with he starts rearing his ugly head to the point where he's sort of gnawing on wood by the end of it like a like a woodchuck or something like that.

I actually kind of love the I don't think so gopher. That's really cool. I feel like that's a character that both of us can inhabit. What are you talking about? How would you possibly be able to pull that off? I would just be able to. Do you think that you're the only one that can say the tagline i don't think so see that was actually actually fairly accurate i was hoping you'd mess it up but fuck

i don't think so that's a golden mic what for? For me, for coming up with a big, for doubling the output of I don't think so gopher. That's just an idea off the top of the dome that we could both do it. Yeah, the idea was mine. Your idea was to do it as well. There's no way that's just a mic for you because I would get it too. I would get one and you would dump your piggyback. Let's award it to the I don't think so gopher. I don't think so.

That's not what he sounds like. No way. I made up the voice. 80 seconds ago I made up the voice. I don't think so. I embody the voice this is so so fucked up

but I know a gift once given has run its course so I guess not run its course not necessarily run its course but served its purpose do you disagree you said I don't think so no I don't know what to think. I guess I can just be an agreeable aunt about it.

What would that sound like? Yeah, I could see that. I don't think so. I don't think agreeable aunt's going to stick. Maybe an agreeable aunt eater, because otherwise it sounds like you're somebody's dad's sister or something. Right, right. Yeah, or mom's sister.

Yeah, he sort of nailed it at the end there when he said, once I hand him the gift, it's his to do what he pleases, and I shouldn't be upset, because it doesn't affect me at all. Yeah. Unfortunately. It's not like he appreciated the gift you know he broke it out he cracked it with you which i actually do think is a really classy move when you have a nice expensive bottle of liquor you know you wait and uh you share it with a person yeah that's nice um and yeah it's it's it's not like it's not like you were necessarily going to drink it once you gave it to him. So the fact that he opened it and gave it to you a little bit, there you go. That's nice. That's a better outcome.

Do you ever have whiskey with Coke? I know that's a very classic way to have it, but I don't think I've ever seen you have soda with whiskey. No. I mean, a long time ago I did. I used to have like Jack and coke in college it's good because it kind of tastes like coca-cola which is nice yeah it's a i mean it's a really effective mixer because coca-cola is so sweet you really yeah um but now i like the taste of whiskey so i don't like to dilute it what about old fashions isn't that sort of like the first step towards a whiskey

coke it's like a sweetener whiskey yeah and i really and i prefer uh whiskey on the rocks to an old-fashioned but sometimes when i go out it's fun to get a little fancy cocktail but i think taste-wise i actually might like whiskey more just on its own also nobody ever says a whiskey pepsi like that seems to be pretty similar but like, like, nobody would dare say that. Can I have a whiskey Pepsi? Do you have a whiskey Pepsi or anything like that? We have a whiskey Coke. Right.

Let me just do a vodka Pepsi then. It's surprising to me that Pepsi does as well as it does. It seems like it's completely lost the game to Coke. Yeah, and yet you still see a lot of ads for it. Yeah. Maybe there are full states of Pepsi drinkers out there that never have Coke. I think there are. I mean, there are definitely like big-ass licensing deals where like stadiums and movie theaters only will serve Pepsi.

Yeah, the Pepsi halftime show. Right, right. Yeah, I can't remember the last time I either had a Pepsi, ordered a Pepsi, seen someone drink from a can of Pepsi. It's just, it feels like something from 1989 or something like that. I think I'm also at the point where like, if I was trying to get a Coke and somebody said we only have Pepsi, I might say never mind. Really? Yeah, I'm that brand loyal. Yeah, I don't drink soda enough to know the difference. I wonder if I'd be able to tell.

What if I even fucking prefer Pepsi? Yeah, I mean, people used to do those blind taste tests, and I feel like Pepsi might have even performed better in them. They're probably not that different, but it's like I'm just a Coke guy. I'm doing a fucking Google image search, and I don't think I've ever seen somebody just house one of these blue canisters of Pepsi, not even diet, just a fucking can of Pepsi.

You're doing a Google image search of what? People drinking Pepsi? No, just the cans. They're just so blue and new to me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. A blue can of to me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. A blue can of Pepsi. Maybe on an airplane. Oh, on an airplane, I think it's Coke.

Actually, I guess maybe on different airlines, maybe they have different deals. But on Delta, it's Coca-Cola, you better believe. What were you about to say? I've been fucking around with drinking Coca-Cola again. Really? Yeah. I basically cut it out of my diet entirely. But now every few weeks on like a cheat meal, I'll be like, fuck it.

I'll have a Coke. Not diet either. Just like the full on red can. Just the real deal sugar teeth rotting Coca-Cola. Yeah. And it's good. It's like a dessert yeah it's incredible i might be a ginger ale guy now that i think about it you are you always get a ginger ale

on an airplane i know but now that i don't fly anymore maybe i'll just get some from my house and i'll get like little plastic cups to drink oh yeah, yeah, like the really wide plastic cups that are... They're thin and slippery, yeah. Yeah. Why is that the cup that they went for on the flight? It feels like it's... Maybe because you can see through it. You can see through other cups, plastic cups.

It should have a wider base. Right, because you're on a plane. Yeah. All right. I've seen so many of them smell a spill yeah uh okay let's take a break think some spots be uh back on the other side of these massages slash hard good thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

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for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little sooner than five. Price and participation may vary. For a limited time only. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson in the five. Mom, I'm coming. Gross.

I don't, but I think you do. I've been taking chess lessons. Chess? Chess lessons? Is that... I don't think so. I actually haven't, but I've been thinking about it. So I've sort of been, you know, telling people I have to gauge their reaction. Do you think it's a good idea for me? That is such insane behavior. You think you want...

I've been thinking of taking chess lessons. Right. And I've been sort of dipping my toe in the water by telling people I have to see what they think about that for me. And I guess as a greater good. I see. That's kind of interesting. It's kind of. Yeah. Yeah. So here's my thought process. One, if you're staring at your phone all the time and like playing fucking games that don't necessarily flex your brain like a wordle or something like that yeah or even worse social media is it better to just fucking launch a chess app and start playing chess is that like i mean being really good at chess is kind of impressive and probably takes a lot of brain power yeah i guess it's it's kind of interesting because you could be i feel like if you're just good at chess then you're

you'll beat everybody that you would need to beat you know like you right like if you're just good at chess, then you'll beat everybody that you would need to beat, you know? Right, like if we're on a retreat and playing chess and I destroy everybody, that's pretty cool. Right, yeah. Do you think that you need lessons to become great at chess to do that? I wonder if you maybe just need a couple videos, like, you know, almost like the rubik's cube thing yeah like you learn three different attacks algorithms right and then i can figure out how to beat people well i know how to play chess i just don't know like i know the rules i just don't know like strategy right i know what every single piece does but yeah if somebody but as soon as somebody is

like oh i have a strategy and you're like falling into my trap, it's like game over. I will lose to that person every time. And I want to be that person. Right. So do you think you need lessons? I do. I think it'll be helpful for me to like actually talk to somebody who's good and like ask them. And I also don't know like how mathy it is.

Like I'm good at poker because it's math related. Is chess math related or is it completely a separate part of your brain? Yeah. I guess it must be vaguely math related. There's definitely – it's strategy, which I feel like is access is the same part of your brain. Maybe. It's regimented. Yeah.

We should play you and i just like share your screen i see we like play around right yeah okay and then should we do one where like obviously we don't want to spend like an hour playing but i'm just saying like speed chess just to see who would win yeah let's let's do a couple moves. People watching on video can watch, and then we'll just... Online chess against a friend. You think there's a website to just play chess online for free? I don't want to start signing up for an account and stuff like that right now.

I want to just send you a link, and we're in a fucking game, you know? It feels like that should definitely happen. That shouldn't be that hard. There's chessonlinefree.com, but this, again, it seems like... seems like it seems like oh create a game play with a friend play with a friend standard okay yeah yeah that's right okay i'll be white you be dark let's see copy url sending you the url and this is us playing speed chess having no insight or knowledge

about chess strategy whatsoever yes definitely and then after my lessons I'll be able to just fucking no offense but low key destroy you sort of actually I've been talking to my chess coach a lot about you and he's

he's really impressed with how you played that speed game. All right, so on the black pieces, yes, I am. All right, let me share my screen so we can share it. Again, these are being simulcasted, video recorded, so we can do some video stuff. And then we'll try to narrate for those of y'all who are just listening to the audio version. Okay, Jake moved pawn to bishop four.

I didn't do anything yet. I moved rook. I've taken Jake's queen and chess mate. Chess mate. Chess mate. That's chess mate, mate. Okay. Okay.

Are you in? Yeah. All right, can you see me move the piece yes okay and once again a fatal first move oh okay he's moving folks we got the we got the pawns moving this is exciting okay very interesting but not interesting enough i'm moving my fucking knight how tight is that so amir just moved his little horsey and i'm thinking i'll do a little mirror image shit on the other side on the other side of hard now you're moving the horse now my horse you can take this pawn i just took your pawn yeah but that puts you in severe Danger

Really? Because now my pawn might be able to take your horsey Alright dude What if I fucking checkmated you right now How random would that be I'm serious How fucking crazy would it be To have you in a checkmate this bad

It seems possible I'm retreating my knight. My horsey is scared of your pawn. Your horsey just got skittish. And my horsey is on the attack. And my horsey is British. Nay! Okay, okay.

I have, I guess I'll do this. I'm going to move the pawn a little bit. I'm kind of scared already. Yeah, I'm, I guess I'll do this. I'm going to move the pawn a little bit. I'm kind of scared already. Yeah, I'm definitely. Yeah. I'm going to move my fucking queen. How random is that? Can you even do that?

Oh, wait, that's my king. I don't know which one of these is my queen or the king. Okay, I moved my queen. Queen can just move diagonally as far as he freaking wants. Right. Can not this person move diagonally? I can't, right? Which one?

This guy. Oh, yeah, the bishop can. Bishop guy. Okay. All right, so you have your queen. It looks like you're set up to take, I mean, nothing, really. Really? Not even your bishop?

My bishop. Well, if you took my bishop, then I would take you with my queen. You would sacrifice your queen. Or I would take you with my king. It's a strategy. It is a strategy. I'm actually working with my chess teacher slash coach on it. Interesting, indeed.

Let's see what I could do. I can't move these pawns now. Oh, I guess I'll just move this pawn. Protect my, where are you? You can't take my bishop. You're already fucking scared about this. Oh, that's a great block. Okay, here's my question.

Do you know this rule? Can a pawn eat whatever's in front of it, or it can only eat diagonally? Only eat diagonally. A pawn only eats on the diagonal. If I steal your horse, then you'll steal my fucking queen, which I can't have. Could I steal your queen? Yeah, because if I fucking eat your horse right here, that bishop is right there. He'll take my queen.

But maybe that'll sort of open up the game. You don't want to lose your queen, I don't think. Yeah, that's sort of one of the first rules. But I am going ham a little bit. Right, we're trying to do a speed round, so I guess you should try to lose quickly. Right, we are not doing anything fast. All right, I'll fucking eat your horse.

Let's see what happens. Okay, so that's queen to a6. Yeah. But see, I... In theory, Jake's bishop can now eat my queen. And my bishop has eaten the queen. Check. Is it? No.

No. But it's fun to say that. So that's, for all those listening at home, that's bishop to a6. This is insane. It's going to take so long for us to play. Okay, I'll move my pawn up here and see what happens there. That is a fatal, fatal

mistake. How so? Hmm. Hmm. See, this is what the chess lesson would be oh my god what happened oh wait you didn't take anything did you i didn't take anything but that is uh bishop to b4 okay and before you fucking get any ideas i'm gonna put my knight in a sacrificial position right and i guess I will ultimately

not take the bait. Really? Yeah. That move was called M. Night Shyamalan. Now my bishop can take yours. You fool. That was insanely dumb. I thought...

For some reason, I was like, oh, this is good. Yeah, I'm set up to take Amir's bishop now. Not knowing that I had to move in between your two. You thought if you did it too quickly, like, okay, let me get two out of the way before he moves his one. Yeah, definitely. That would be fun, wrinkle in chess. You thought if you did it too quickly, like, okay, let me get two out of the way before he moves his one. Yeah, definitely. That would be fun, wrinkle in chess. If you do two moves before the other person notices, you can get away with it.

Get away with it. All right. So now I'm definitely confused. I'm scared. I'm a little shook by what's transpired. So I will be. Our castles have not moved. Maybe you should start moving your castles. Yeah.

Well, I can't do that. I'm going to keep this... I'll keep my pawns marching forward. That's pawn to h5. That's good. Okay. And I'm going to sort of begin my attack slash offensive

on your queen slash king by moving my bishop here so you're supposed to be thinking three moves ahead and you're not even thinking one you're sacrificing bishops for no reason man look what i did right there that's actually a really interesting move why is that because because you're i'm just sort of lodged in there and you can't move your you can't move your king forward basically so if i can get somebody to that other spot that the only other spot that your king can move then you're then that's your gen for yeah yeah actually right you might be in checkmate anyway, because I guess your king is happy there, but you can't move to the left or the right.

Why can't I move to the left? Because you can't move to the left because the bishop will eat you. You can't move forward because the bishop will eat you. Your only source of retreat is where the queen is, so you can't even move there either. So which one is the queen? Oh, it's with all the prongies. Yeah. Okay.

But I mean, yeah, it's not a check. I can just leave it. The check is when I have to move my king to survive. You just have laid out a little bit of a trap for me. Yes, exactly. You know that move where it's like the castle and the king switch places a little bit? I wonder if you could do that in this game.

Oh, that'd be cool. I don't want to do that. Yeah, what's it? Castling the king? Yeah, it's like the castle and the king sort of like do a switcheroo. This, the little tower, it can move in straight lines, right? That's right. Okay.

So, I think that's what I'm gonna do that's really good cause now tower piece to h6 right now your tower can basically get my bishop unless I move it yeah um okay

I think I'm gonna I like how we said we were gonna play a quick game of chess now we're fucking fully entrenched we were gonna play a quick game of chess now we're fucking fully entrenched we can't do this in the entire act there's no way i did just take your pawn in a retreat of sorts i see i absolutely see okay um that's that's a tough pill to swallow. And it's unfortunate. But let's see if I can keep you on the offensive. By staying offensive and making fun of your rook.

Hmm. I'm a little afraid. So you can see why you would like get into this game as opposed to like something that seems less intelligent or more of a time suck. Like time is just sort of withering away as we make strategic choices every five minutes. Strategic choices and faux pas. I guess I'll just go here and I'll block my king with my horsey guy.

Okay. Yeah, so that's knight to e7. Okay, let me see if I could do that rook, that castle change-a-roo. I forget what that move is called. It doesn't seem to be possible here. Okay, I'll learn that on my first lesson, I guess. Yeah, ask about that. Basically have your chess instructor listen to this,

and they'll be like, it's hopeless. They'll laugh at me, yeah. My horsey has begun to move towards your castle. Oh, I see. Oh, that's dangerous. Is it? I think it could be. But I'm not entirely sure i see very very interesting oh look at this we're

playing a five minute game so you're about to run out of time and lose that's kind of fun what so you have five minutes to make decisions and your time bank is nearly over, while mine still has three minutes left. I'm going to take... Oh, fucking hell. So dumb. Oh, wow. You were dumb too, though. Oh, wait. No, you're not, because I need to move.

You're going to take my queen. I'm going to take your queef. And suddenly you're out of time, and I appear to have won in some sort of weird stalemate. What are you talking about? So every time you see how it says you have 11 seconds left. Yeah.

I think once that gets to zero, it'll be considered a end of game slash day situation for you. And I'll have won the game. Time out. Time out. White is victorious. I was about to take your diagonal thing with my pawn yeah that would have been good yeah it would have been good actually piece of shit could you do you mind just hosting the show a little bit i'm gonna play against a different opponent um

yeah you need a challenge hour yeah okay so that's it i guess learn how to play chess slash play chess with your friends. We get an app. I mean, that took 20 minutes, and we didn't even finish the game. Yeah. Who says no to that? I mean, my God. That definitely, that made me want to at least learn a little bit more about chess.

I was so quickly out of my depth. Right. I was just sort of guessing what to do, and I couldn't tell if any of the things that were actual strategies were good or I was just- No. Yeah. I was just trying to throw up. I was really only thinking one move ahead, one move at a time. Right. And even then we got kind of confused a little bit sometimes. All right. Let's see if we can answer a question since we just played chess for 10 minutes instead. Right. That's fair. And that's on us. Totally.

But at least nobody had fun during that. I feel slightly victorious because I noticed the time thing. Right. So it didn't just come out of the blue. Here's a question. Sorry. This is a question about actually our Jake and Amir web series. Maybe you can help this guy out. Okay. Not really personal, so we can call him by his real name, which is Oscar. I have a question which every listener must have asked themselves at some point. We're all thrilled at the return of Jake and Amir. Thank you. But how do the episodes fit being made now fit with the current canon? We know they still can't be working at College Humor.

So where precisely do they work? Won't be able to sleep until you answer this. Thanks. We did talk long and hard about this, actually. Yeah. Like in the story, what the hell's going on? And we almost wanted to do like a straight up like premise pilot return type thing. But then we're like, that's a little too much. We never explained to any real extent what College Humor was.

It was always just like vague internet company that we worked for. We referenced our jobs and stuff, but it wasn't ever like a central plot point, you know? Right, exactly. We didn't want to like create a story episode that explains everything versus just, hey, here's a new Jake and Amir about podcast ideas. But in our heads, we do work at HeadGum. We work at, but more, I guess more so like generic podcast company. Right. but one that we started and there's not a lot of people here rather than a bustling company right the company in in our minds is actually not doing well i guess it's similar though to the head gum company of the

off days right where it's where it's just like the first episode is you pitching me podcast ideas. We theoretically have since started this company, quote unquote, and we're trying to make a go of it ourselves in podcasting. It's kind of like if we started HeadGum yesterday and it's just me and you instead of me, you and Marty, and it's not going well so far. Yeah. So we sort of rented an office and now we're scratching our heads as to how to make money because we're not doing anything yet. Yeah, that's right. That's a good way to think about it. And then also sometimes I'm, you're playing Wordle here and I'm posting QAnon conspiracy theories to 4chan and that's going to happen too. Right. And that that's why that's why the company isn't excelling right but there are some people here because the march madness bracket we allude to

other people playing and getting i guess i'm yeah imagine we are like we've hired we've just like given out more equity than the company has yeah like got people to work for free found like college interns to work for credit. Trick them, really. Exploiting people, calling in favors, yeah. We've begged, borrowed, and steeled. Yeah. The next two episodes are with our accountant so we can go into the deep dive of what exactly is going on at this company and how. We should get Mark and Karen back.

White elephant meat. Sorry, wet elephant meat. White elephant is sort of a game that you can play. Yeah, it's a gift exchange goof. Okay, let's take a break and try to answer another question on the other side of this message. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly.

It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks.

Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know, that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why

I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code

segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Alright, we're back. Yes. One last question to rule them all. Let's do it. This person has a semi-inconvenient problem and would love our take

on it. Our favorite kind. Four months ago, I decided to change my name. All right. The name my parents gave me was fine. I guess I'll just say it. They named me after Rachel from Friends. But it just never felt right for me.

I'm gender fluid and the idea of having a traditional feminine name wasn't working for me anymore. So I decided to switch things up. And after a few months of putting genuine thought into my new name, I finally settled on something I'm much more comfortable with. Roman. Cool. I told all my friends and changed my handles online and I've been pretty much only referred to as Roman since then. Except here's the kicker. I haven't told my family.

My parents are pretty conservative and they don't know about my identity. While I don't feel like I need to get into the deep discussion with them about who I am as a person, it still feels weird to go home and constantly be referred to as my old name. My mom follows me on a few social media accounts where I mention the change, but I am assuming she hasn't noticed or is choosing to ignore it. My question is, should I even tell them? I'd prefer not to sit down and say, hey, I don't like the name you picked for me because I thought, because it makes me feel weird when I hear it. So you can call me this now forever and also let all of my extended family know. Thanks. I just don't feel like that would go down very well with them. I'm 19 and I don't live with my parents anymore. So it's not like I'm around my old name constantly, but it's still kind of a bummer

when I do hear it. Should I even bring it up? And if I do, how do I go about it? Been watching your videos since fifth grade, so thanks for practically raising me. Thank you, Roman. Here's the thing. I think... Wait, should we play a game of chess real quick before we answer? Yeah, let's do it. Here we go. And we might run out of time. Pawn is moved to bishops nine.

Wow. Checkmate. That was so fast. So fast. I think you can, first of all, take your time. It does, you know, this is all, it's happening on your timeline, so no pressure, no rush. The other thing is, I think it sounds like this warrants a conversation, not necessarily about your name, but about your identity. I think that's a big piece of who you are that it's the right thing to do to share it with your parents. It might be hard, but if they're doing something that bothers you,

I don't think it necessarily has to be centered around like, I want to go by Roman. I think it's a lot more about who you are, and then the name piece follows, you know? Yes. I mean, it's easy for us to say, just sit down and tell your parents, and if they love you, they'll totally understand. It'll be fine. But I'm also afraid to tell my parents nearly everything that I think will stress them out, so I understand the hesitancy. I probably would not tell my parents

if I got a tattoo, and I'm way older than 19. Hell, I'm double 19, and I would be too afraid to... I just don't want to tell them anything that would stress slash potentially bum them out. Right. I get that. But if, so you would rather, this is also though different than a tattoo because this would be something that was bothering you. Yeah. I was just saying an even lighter version of changing my name. Like if I were to change my name, I too would be too nervous to confront slash tell my parents about it. Yeah. I guess in my head,

I think that while hard, ultimately this strengthens the bond with your parents and will feel better in the long run on the other side of hard as it were. Nice. Right. So like I said, no pressure, no rush. And I also don't necessarily think it's about Nice. Right. So you're saying you can start with the name thing, see how they take that. No, I'm saying ignore the name thing.

I'm saying like when you're ready, tell them what is going on. Oh, with the whole situation. Yeah. The gender fluidity. Tell them about your identity. The name thing. That's what I think. And the other thing.

Maybe now's a good time to get a tattoo. You just sort of sweep it all the things that they might not necessarily agree with into one mega thing. Get vaccinated or not, depending on what their idea of good is. That's true. Yeah. You could also just tell them you want a different nickname. You say, let's call him. So your friends call you Roman and your parents, while not calling you Roman, they won't call you Rachel, which would be fun.

That's good. Like, mom, dad, do you guys have a fun nickname for me? I want a nickname. Yeah. That's the light version without the conversation, but I think you should have the conversation. Yeah, but at the same time, don't feel any pressure to do it right away.

Yeah, whenever you want. Yeah. Have you ever had this where you're afraid to tell your parents something? Or do you not have that kind of relationship with your parents? I was afraid to tell them when I got kicked out of college for the first time. Yeah. And I didn't tell them and I found out when they got a letter that I was trying to intercept, but I was at the mall when it finally came in.

And then they were like, hey hey you were kicked out of school they were like you lost your scholarship and i was like i did i didn't know that oh yeah that's crazy turning beet red yeah and then i think my dad saw my gpa and was like what the fuck happened and and then i came clean um like i should have done a long time ago, probably after the first semester. Listen, you're going to be reading a lot of things on that report card about my grades. I just want to come out ahead of it all and say that the thing that you're holding that says what my GPA is, is indeed accurate. Right. So sorry for that, Mom and Dad. I know you listen to the podcast. You're the best. Would you think they would have preferred to hear it from you first?

I think they probably would have preferred, I mean, definitely. And I think that if I were really mature, I would have admitted earlier that college was not for me and not wasted their cash going back for like the second semester and like hiding it for a full year. Right. But it's, it's scary. You just sort of sweep things under the rug, hoping to God that something will change over the course of the year. And then when it doesn't, it's like, I'm already gotten in this deep. Now I can't go back and say all that stuff. I put off the, the, the whole dealing with the consequences part. I put it off as long as possible. Um, but then at a certain point certain point, they really, it all comes back to bite you in the ass. And it's much worse because then they're mad about, well, this is

different because it's your gender identity. But yeah, but they're mad at me about the lying as much as they are about the bad grades. So it's like a twofer. Yeah. It's the guilt, the parental guilt. They know how to get you. If only we just didn't care about our parents at all. That would be cool. You just do whatever you want. Tell them whatever. Yeah, that'd be ideal. Instead, I care so much.

Have the kind of relationship where you call your parents by their first names. Oh, God. What do you care about my grades, Sam? I'm going to take a fucking chess lesson. Then we can settle it like two men on the board. Just let me borrow the car. I also need to sleep here and eat for free, man. Sam.

He slaps you. My God. Will Smith style. All right, good luck. Good luck, Roman. Yeah, Godspeed. Roman? Yeah, Roman. What about Ronan? That could be kind of. Good luck, Roman. Yeah, Godspeed. Roman? Yeah, Roman.

What about Ronan? That could be kind of a cool name too. Yeah, Ronan's a cool name. Yeah, if you ever want to switch it up yet again. How about Ronan Roland, actually? R-O-L-A-N-D. I think I am going to change my last name to Harbo. How cool is that?

Like from Harbo and Samuelson yeah yeah Jake Harbo right cool you say Dumber dope I didn't hear what you said I said dope but I pretty much meant dumb because I'm barely caring slash listening anymore

I really don't care about your last name and I really think this conversation slash episode is over I don't care about your last name, and I really think this conversation slash episode is over. I don't think so. Damn it. I knew it. I wanted to steal slash say it. I wanted the trophy.

I wanted the golden gopher, Minnesota style. You tried to steal my catchphrase? I don't think so. Two giant front teeth. You see that ChexPix Twitter account called me a chipmunk today? For what reason? I did see that. Out of the fucking, I guess not out of the blue.

I said that the new Chex Mix has an ingredient called vanilla breadstick, and that was my nickname in high school. And then they responded and said, sorry, we didn't have one called Chipmunk or something like that. The official Chex Mix account. How messed up is that? And you love Chex Mix. Yes, I absolutely do. That really must hurt.

The only thing more painful than that would be if a baked lay called me a name on the street, which is like so far from happening. Okay, thanks for writing your questions. Theme songs, send them all down to ifirewshow at gmail.com and if you have any chess tips, please let us know.

Just something basic. Don't get into the weeds. Just tell me where to move my horse slash rook slash king. I would appreciate it. And king me while you're at it. Checker style. For more videos, check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash ja.

And you can, of course, watch this episode. We're recording every podcast now as a video on our YouTube channel, If I Were Your Show. Oh, yeah. A lot of content. So don't be sad that it's over. Be happy that it happened slash ended so now you can do other shit and watch other stuff that we make.

There you go. Opening theme song and closing theme song was the other side of hard rendition by Nemo. Shout out to Nemo. Shout out. And shout out to you guys for watching. Of course we'll be back next week you know it

yeah ciao for now till then my guitar is broken so is my heart it'll be okay on the other side of heart I can't park my car and I can't play my guitar

it'll be okay on the other side of heart if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show starts now. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ,

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