Segments - 539: Slapping

Episode Date: May 9, 2022

In this episode we discuss surfing the web, surfing the waves, and dissecting dreams. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Jake and Amir, please dry my tears.

My dime of a girlfriend. Cheated on me I cheated first but it hurts worse When I think about how she said He was bigger than me. Ouch! I'm feeling blue. What should I do? What would you do if I were you? What would you do? What would you do if I were you? Beautiful. Beautiful. A classic acoustic jam. That was J.D. Zeich.

Oh. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Try to. The Zeichke was right. Zyke is in the house. How do you think he spells Zyke?

Z-E-I-K. That's right. Yeah. It's absolutely correct. That's good. Attaches my attempt at a Jake and Amira theme song. Nothing else. No other info.

No plugs. No good luck. No congrats. Just a Jake and Amira theme song. Nothing else. No other info. No plugs. No good luck. No congrats. Just a fucking hashtag Zyke. Zyke wins. You wouldn't think this guy's name was Zyke because the jam was very cool. JD Zyke. Zyke is a cool name.

You don't think that's a cool name? Yeah. It's like Mike, but even harder and cooler because there's a Z in there. Yeah. Zyke. Yeah, Zike. Zeke meets Mike. And JD stands for Jike Dyke. I shouldn't have said the...

Obviously, it's not what I meant. When I meant when I when I the middle word is offensive yeah but it's not like I you knew what you were going to say as soon as you said jike you knew what was coming

and you powered through you could have bailed out you didn't have to do that it feels like it landed as soon as as soon as you said it into the mic. Mic. It's actually not even Zyke. I just backed into it. Really?

Yeah. You just knew you wanted to say that. Yeah. No, it is J.D. Zyke. I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry. Sorry. Yeah, don't be sorry for the J.D. Zyke.

That part was normal. Now I feel like he has to apologize. We're both cancelable for that. I swear he has to issue a fucking Mia Culpa because his name is so fucking messed up. All right. Thank you. Thank you, JD. And thank you to you guys for watching.

We're back. We're back in the lab slash studio sitting across from each other, joshing around. You can listen to it, of course, as you normally do. Yeah, but you can watch it. I mean... You can watch it. Watch it. Yeah.

Watch it. Watch it. Why wouldn't you watch it? You might as well watch it. Yeah. Watch it. Watch it. You went surfing this morning?

Yeah. So you're in LA. You're embracing the surfer hashtag California lifestyle. Yeah. Let me put those two things together. My cowabunga, hang ten, attitude, aloha style. And how did it compare? You've never been surfing in LA.

You've done, you tried it in Mexico, learned how to surf, and then you've been doing it on the East Coast. Yep. So what is, how did the LA surf style line up with your value system as a hashtag cowabunga surfer boy? So I thought it was pretty tubular. Really? Ultimately tubular. Really? Ultimately tubular.

Damn. Though I did get absolutely wrecked. Okay. Destroyed. Interesting. Yeah. I have. You can see.

Yeah. Some sort of board hickey they call it. Like a laceration on my neck. Yeah. My feet are cut up. Uh-huh. The board leapt from the water, hit me in the ear once. The ear.

Yeah, the ear. It's going to happen. I was fighting for my life to just get out past the break, continually getting washed basically back to shore. But then once I was out there, the waves were also too big for me to surf and I'd have to bail out and just kind of ride in like a boogie board. I see. So on the, but the interesting thing about surfing was as brutally as I got my ass kicked, I still loved it. I had a great time and I wouldn't change a thing, except I do wish I stood up a few more times. How many times did you stand? Two and a half, or maybe one and a half, maybe like one full time and then two half times. So is it all to get up that one time? Or is it like, I love the process of going early and being there and putting on a suit.

So the journey is joyful. I love everything around it. So you don't have to stand up really. No. I mean, I think for me, I want to have at least like one or two good rides where it feels like I went out there and did everything for a purpose and I didn't leave as a failure. But today I said to myself, as I was leaving, I said the ocean won today. But even just being able to say that is cool and to mean it. And I think like the real good surfers, they have a reverence, a respect for the ocean. Granted, they're surfing

like real waves and I'm sort of just battling Santa Monica. Yeah. But like that attitude that they have, I adopted it today. I see. So in New York where I surf, there's like two jetties

and it kind of creates this like, there's just a part of the ocean where the waves don't break. So even as violent as the waves can get, you can always go close to the jetty and just paddle out. So you mean by break, like there's the hump part of the wave, but it doesn't actually become the white water part of the wave. Yeah, it doesn't curl. It doesn't crash. Today, there was like no rhyme or reason.

It was just all open ocean, and the waves were like crashing in different directions so you couldn't really predict where anything was going to come you'd like paddle out to try to surf something but then there would be no waves and then all of a sudden from your left something would just curl on top of you and then you'd be like washed in and something's coming from the right so then how far are you from like being able to stand up like can you just always stand up and walk onto the beach if you're scared slash tired? Yeah.

If you're scared slash tired, you would just turn your board around like a boogie board and just ride it into the sand. That would be easy. The hard part is trying to get out because you can get caught in that white water where all of the waves are breaking and you're just kind of like getting pushed back to shore. Then you're fighting to get out past that, but you keep on getting pushed. So like a lot of today was just me battling the whitewater to get out past the break. Then I would fall off a wave and be caught in the whitewater for 10 minutes, try to get past it again, fall off.

So yeah, hurt the ear, hurt the neck, hurt the foot. But ultimately you like that. Every second of it. That's interesting because what you're describing would be one of my worst nightmares which is like waking up really early getting thrown into a cold ocean just sort of battling and getting hurt totally yeah totally tubular man mahalo uh all right uh let's try to um try to at least answer some questions now that we're here yeah you're not in LA often we have to sort of

soak it in that's right I found some questions while you were straight up shredding the gnar yeah while I was hanging 10

yeah while I was cowabunga-ing and wiping out correct okay actually one of them is sort of computer related so the complete opposite

of surfing great we'll call this guy fucking Bill Gates. Nice. Not Duke Hanamoku? Who's that? Forget it. You just swore at me in Polynesian.

Since the pandemic started, like many people, I switched jobs. And now for the first time in my life, my whole job is online. I've never used the computer for more than an hour or two at a time before. I've always had jobs like waiting tables or being customer service. I didn't have to be in front of the computer at all. In fact, in these jobs, I would ignore my phone for hours and it made me a better employee because I was not distracted or on my phone. Now, it's the opposite. And if I'm on my laptop and iPad and a phone at the same time, I'm killing it. This is a huge shock to me. I know both of you had had full careers where most of it

is online from Jake and Amir videos to Jake's mom's cookies to the Orion dating app. Do you have any tips for us noobs? How do you not get tired of staring at a screen? Do you remember the first time you worked at a website and how did you adjust to this? Do you have any special ergonomic keyboards and stuff like that? Any tips would be super helpful. Ta-da. Interesting. Bill Gates.

I'm curious. I feel like you can – you're better at screens than I am. I don't like it. I try to avoid it. Oh, interesting. Yeah. You know, you have to. It's a necessary evil to me.

But you, I don't even remember the world where before I had a job that required me to stare. Like, it doesn't even, like, ring any alarm bells for me if I'm staring at a screen for hours at a time. Yeah. This is normal. I feel like it used to be a little, like, college humor, we used to have brainstorms where we wouldn't, we had desktop computers. We would have brainstorms where we all went into a room and talked. Or wrote stuff on a board. Yeah.

And we, there were like little pads and we would pitch our ideas. Right. I feel like even then there wasn't like necessarily lots of like phones out. We weren't like scrolling through Instagram while we were doing that. It was just like pre-smartphone. Yeah. So you weren't constantly distracted by the phone in your pocket yeah that's true and then even before that was like at college you there wasn't even wi-fi so i couldn't even like take

my computer to class and use the internet when i wasn't just plugged into a wall yeah but this is like since in the last 20 years i've basically been in front of screens the entire time i haven't had a job that required me to not look at a screen or anything like that. And you don't get any screen burnout. You like it. Yeah. Well, I don't say like I love it or I dislike it. It's just part of my job. It's just like this is what it is.

It doesn't hurt my eyes. Would you ever get an Apple Watch? No. I think that's one step too far. Yeah. Yeah. Because then it's literally on your wrist. Yeah.

It's there all the time. That's why when you put your phone away, which is very rare anyway, now it's like vibrating. You can see. Yeah. Boom. Constantly looking. Constantly looking. Glasses are probably next.

Yeah. God. Fucking screens right in front of your eyes. Yeah. I think I'm probably, I'm closer to like getting rid of all of my devices than getting an iWatch. You had that friend that had the tiny phone that like didn't have any apps on it or something. Yeah, the light phone, I think it's called. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm still thinking about that friend. It's been nine years, but I really think I can have it. Well, I mean, what would be the hardest adjustment for you is not using what? Email? Yeah, I guess email and Slack You're not using social media.

I guess if I looked at my app usage, the thing I use the most is just like my Chrome app. Looking stuff up. I like to look things up. What about maps you're using ways um in new york a little less so you know yeah you don't i mean i use i look at a map

to see like where something i need to go is but once i like know which trains to take or what streets i don't like i'm not like walking down the street looking at the map yeah because it's like a it's like a grid so it's pretty easy yeah Yeah. I mean, like, I haven't lived in New York in 10 years, but I feel like I can get, if you tell me any address to another address, I could probably figure it out. The Hoyt-Shermerhorn. Hoyt-Shermerhorn. Hoyt-Shermerhorn. Shermerhorn.

Hoyt-Shermerhorn. Train station. Is that the fucking six? To Ridgewood. Where's that? I didn't know about a Ridgewood. Okay, let's keep it all in Manhattan. Now I'm getting like hives.

Yeah. Let's do Chamber Street. There's a Chambers? Do like numbers. Fine. Fucking third. What subway is on a third? I don't know about a subway.

Okay. Let's just get you from first and first, where you used to live. First and first. To 125th. I don't know. I'm not even giving you a fucking avenue. You get out. You make a right.

All right? You make another right. You're on, what are you on at that point? You say. You make a right. So you're walking down First Street towards what? Ninth. Technically.

Yeah. Yeah, but there's other ones before that. I'm fucking scared, man. I'm gonna get mugged. See, I told you I don't need a fucking Waze. Yeah, you're good.

You're absolutely good. How can, I prefer, we're talking ergonomic keyboards. I never had one of those like the split keyboard where you're like, yeah, doing all that stuff. I think what I prefer we're talking ergonomic keyboards I never had one of those like the split keyboard where you're like yeah yeah doing all that stuff I think what I prefer versus like a a dedicated like setup is I like having my macbook air which I can just like work out on my desk and if I'm

feeling like you know I need to change the scenery I need to like relax I can just lie down on the couch I can go sit in another chair I can go to the dining room I can just lie down on the couch. I can go sit in another chair. I can go to the dining room. I can go to the kitchen counter. These are all the places you can bring your computer. Yeah. And that, right. So I, so it's not like necessarily an ergonomic setup,

but it's like, I can adjust my body because my laptop is light enough and it'll just follow me wherever I need to go. I feel like so often I'm like on my computer for an hour or two.

I'm like, all right, let me take a break, slam my computer, take my phone out. Like, let me just use this tiny computer now. Yeah. This is, I need a little recharge. The use is a little different. Like, I don't, I feel like when I'm, my computer is open, I'm like planning shit or writing emails.

And then when I'm on my phone, I'm kind of just like clearing out responses, cleaning things up, you know. Batting away emails, responsibilities. Yeah, you know, batting away emails, responsibilities. Yeah. That's phone is phone is cleanup and computer is work. That's the dirty work. You have an iPad in addition in between there. Technically I do have an iPad, but I, I'm a little bit afraid of it. I don't think I need a third device. Right. What do you use the intermediate, the medium one for? Yeah. My plan was to, it's at the office in New York

and I was going to use that as my computer there. But so far I haven't had the, the gall. The guff shows. The guff shows. The guff shows.

The guff shows. I can't do it. You need the keyboard and then you have the thing and then you have the cover and at that point. And that was, it's

heavier than my frigging air. Yeah. Yeah. It really is. But I guess it's nice you could touch the screen. And at that point, it's heavier than my freaking air. Yeah, it really is. But I guess it's nice you could touch the screen. That's nice. My one tip for this guy

is something I've gotten in the pandemic, which is a standing desk. It helps my backslash posture not to be hunched over because oftentimes I would hunch. I don't like to hunch. It hurts for a long period of time.

So if I'm standing and working, at the very least, I feel like I'm exerting some level of energy. Yeah. And my tip is a second charger. Two chargers. Two chargers. Oh, you're going to need this. That's a luxury.

Are you kidding me? One at work, one at home. You don't have to carry it. Oh, yeah. You ever get like a really good charger where you're like, wow, this is working fast? No. Or a bad charger where you're like, what the fuck is going on? It's been like two hours and i've never really noticed it's all about the size of that like square that's

yeah i can charge that's right uh all right let's take a break thank some spons come back and answer more q's okay on the other side of these m's nice thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any

questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's notters with a Z. And not where you think.

And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

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It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson in the Bible. Mom, I'm coming.

Gross. Yes, I'm coming. Gross. Yes, I do. If you live in Ireland or the UK, you can actually come to a NADDPod show. This week, when this episode comes out, we are – Yeah, this is launching on May 9th. We're going to post this online. Cool. So May 9th is the day that I fly to Dublin.

Our show is May 11th. 5-11. Yeah. Or in London slash England. 11-5. 11-5. Yeah. Because they're so fucking.

They're so ass backwards. It doesn't make sense. And I'll be talking about that a lot on stage. So if you want to come and defend your country. Is Dublin the first show? Dublin. Yeah. Dublin, London, Manchester, Edinburgh.

Wow. The big four. Yeah. Can't wait. It's going to be fun. And tickets are available at nadpod.com slash live. And in terms of you go being there,

do you see a world where, because I still haven't heard anything, so I'd have to like figure out the whole passport situation. It would be a surprise to everyone, including Murph. Right. If you go have a passport.

You go is off the grid, unfortunately. Yeah, no, I could see Yugo coming to our show in Edinburgh for sure. Really? Yeah. I would love that. Because I didn't really have to sort of put my affairs in order, if that's the case. You're not allowed in Scotland, are you? No, because I have the DUI thing and then the import-export sort of black mark.

Is there a country that you can go to? I can go to Norway. I have asylum there. Yeah. Yeah. Me and Julian Assange. Nice. We were extradited together.

He was a famous whistleblower, and I just accidentally sold pills to the wrong person. But we were both on an airplane together. You and Assange. Yes, me and Julian. Yeah. Yes, me and Julian. Yeah. You're on a first name basis with him. Nice. For him, like, I'm a mirror to him.

And for him, to me, is Julian. To you, you call him Assange and me Blumenfeld. Yeah, I think he's a bad guy. Really? I think he's a bad guy. You would say that because you don't know the real Julian. I don't know enough, but I think he's bad. Okay. Actually, is Julian here? I sent him a Zoom link. He's dialing in

from Guantanamo. He's in prison. Okay. Here's a question about listening to other people's dreams. I already am bored by the question. Okay. Yeah. Well, this person has the same situation. It's a lady. Yeah. We'll call her, you know, famous dream analyst.

Sally. Freud. Freud. Perfect. Sigmund's alter ego. Love it. How do I get my boyfriend to stop telling me about his dreams? I'm not talking about

his hopes and aspirations. I'm talking about the vivid hallucinations that fill one's head while sleeping. My boyfriend of nearly eight years is a nice guy, but when he starts to describe

his strange dreams to me, I want to kill myself at a Starbucks. Why is listening to someone trying to confusedly recall the insignificant details of a fleeting dream the most excruciating thing?

As a listener, it's hard for me to follow along dreams because they're not even linear and they do not adhere to us traditional storytelling structure so there's no beginning middle and end how do I tell him that his dream recounting is very uninteresting to me the thing is if he's been if you've been dating him for eight years yeah I feel like if you say it now it's's not just like, oh, your dreams aren't interesting to me. It's like, well, what have the last eight years been? That's right.

I've been doing this for a long time. Actually, I usually don't remember my dreams. Yeah, neither do I. Last night. Oh, God. You'll never believe this. I was in my house, but it wasn't my house. It was actually a giant beast approached me.

It's funny because dreams are insanely interesting in theory. When they're happening. Yeah. But like who the fuck gives a shit? Because they don't mean anything. Uh-huh. There's no, there's nothing to sink your teeth into. Yeah, so maybe all you can do is try to care so much about his dreams that it kind of exhausts him.

Oh, interesting. So like, so he tells you your dreams, like, what do you think that means? Oh, you must be stressed out at work. Oh, maybe you have a, like, you have to talk through that with your boss. Yeah. You know, and you start kind of like giving. You're all set up a calendar appointment. Yeah.

Giving advice based on that. It's like, oh, no, no, no. I thought it was just interesting. Yes. Oh, maybe, no, maybe you should do this. Maybe you should do this. Yeah, giving advice based on that. It's like, oh, no, no, I thought it was just interesting. Yes. Oh, maybe, no, maybe you should do this. Maybe you should do this. So start giving dream-based advice. Interesting.

Or you can do the same thing to him. You start like, I actually, I also have a dream. And this is what happened in my dream. Right. Yeah. See if you could bore him worse. Right, exactly. Sort of.

So you give him a taste of his own medicine. That's right. Except at a certain point, what if he's like, you know, into it and then it's like, all right, let's go to fucking dream camp. Let's get like lucid dreaming. What if you were just like, like he's like, oh, like he starts telling you about the dream and you're like, oh, no, I know. I know. Yeah. No, I had the same dream.

It's crazy. Excuse me? Yeah. Same thing. Same thing happened to me. So. And then you change the subject. Yeah.

There you go. So he's sort of convinced you're like a Freddy Krueger. Yeah. Like a little psychic type thing. Same thing happened to me. And then you changed the subject. Yeah, there you go. So he's sort of convinced you're like a Freddy Krueger type. Yeah, like a little psychic type thing. Yeah. A nymph, as it were. We're at a place where we can have shared dream experiences at this point. Why are we trying to put people on Mars? I want to be able to dream the same as you.

That should be doable at this point, right? I don't need to live in outer space. I want to be able to dream the same as you. That should be doable at this point. I don't need to live in outer space. I want to be in your head when you sleep. I want to have a shared subconscious. That's kind of what VR is. Yeah, that's right. But VR, but asleep. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. Even that sounds boring to me. Really? Shared dreams sounds exciting to me because then we both fall asleep. we wake up. Yeah, but I'm so tired from the day. I want to hang out with more people. I see you all day on Zoom. We are in constant

communication and then at night you and I hang out and just sort of... God damn it. Hey, this is crazy. Pick up a gun. It's a carrot. Anyway, in my dream last night there was this

giant fucking animal and I said how is this is this animal scary or dangerous and then the guy's like no it's okay who's the guy

it's a fucking animal expert in my dream yeah so you barely remember he said it's half turtle half man it was genetically

altered so it was a teenage mutant ninja turtle you had a dream yes but it didn't look like that was the expert splinter no it was a different rat um you could also just be like oh i would tell you about my dream and then just like make it really sexual oh that's cool yeah cool. Yeah. So it's like... With him or just someone else? Yeah, your ex. Yeah, so I was like getting railed by my ex. You remember. Yeah, Travis.

Travis, yeah. So he was railing. What else happened? That was it. Because you're choosing to do anything you want. I'm going to go back to bed. It was a lucid dream. And I did exactly what I wanted.

It was actually a daydream. I was lost in thought. You can get those headbands that make you lucid dream. Have you seen those? No, but I only lucid dream anyway. Oh, you can control your dreams? Yeah. Interesting.

Yeah. It's the only kind of dream I have, which is why I only have sex dreams. That's really cool. It's absolutely epic. That's awesome. So all your dreams are you just having sex with people? I've never had a dry night's sleep. A dry dream or a dry...

So you'll always sort of wake up and... Yeah. Surf's up, cowabunga. That's what I was worried about. Yeah. All right. Here's another one. She wants me to slap. Okay.

I'm writing to you... We'll call this person Will Smith. Remember the Oscars? Yeah, that was good. Keep my wife's name out your mouth. I don't want to swear, but... Right. You said a really derogatory name for a lesbian.

I'm writing to you with a conundrum. I'm a 30-year-old guy from the UK who's in a long-term relationship with a girl who I love. Everything's great. With the cheese being seized, she wants me to hit slash be overly rough with her. Now, I'm all for some sexy rough play and the like, but I don't feel too comfortable with Chris Browning the love of my life. Jesus Christ. That's what he said. I know.

I want to make sure she's having a good time and feeling well, chine. But I'm worried that there will be a fine line between sexy good time slaps and show me on the mannequin where he hit you slaps. So how do I go? How do I approach this without going to prison i mean i think no one's gonna kink shame anybody here okay this is not my cup of tea i don't like the disgusting it's perverted i to me there should be no pain involved in sex at all i like a nice little cozy sex that's that's the vibe You don't like any of the hurting parts. No.

No, I don't like that. A pinching, a biting, a slapping, a choking. That's not for me. But if that is your thing, go with God. Awesome. I think the way to find the line is to have good communication with your partner. If they're saying, I want you to slap me. Get it in writing, a contract. I mean, there are things I want you to slap me. Writing a contract.

I mean, there are things like the safe word. Yeah. Contract is good. A prenup. That way it's all signed. Yeah. An affidavit. An affidavit and an NDA.

Sorry, you legally can't say or do anything. Also, you get the explicit written consent. I think you just, you say, I'm, I want to make you happy. I'm worried about going too far. So help me find where the line is. And also you don't have to push it right up to the line. You can find out where the line is and stay 10 feet back. Yeah.

That is okay. I feel like hickeys are the most PG version of this where you can sort of leave your mark and it does hurt a little bit. And then it's like, that's like the pre-sex version of pain in romantic situations. It all starts with the hickey. Yeah.

You do a lot of the hot wax stuff, right? I'll do candle and I'll have a French press near the bed. And it's never used on purpose, but if it should spill on me and I'm like, ah, that's fine. You just like getting burned. I like putting a little thumbtack in the bed. And every once in a while I'll get pricked.

But I never want it to be on purpose. I think it's just about communication. It's just about communication. As long as you're having fun, too. But what if, yeah, what if the other person's like, I want you to hit me so hard that I'm bleeding or I'm hitting so hard that like I have a mark. Well, then like, then you found the line. Cause you, then I don't want to do that. You know, that's, I'm not going to leave.

I'm not going to bruise anybody. Yeah. You know? Then what if they slap you and go, hit me, hit me, you little pussy. And they're like punching you. Then they should not be writing into our podcast. I think talk to a counselor at that point. Yeah, I can see that.

For sure. I can see that for sure. For sure, for sure. So, yeah. How do I approach this without going to prison? You want to make clear the rules before heading in there. And you can also say, as much as you like it, I actually dislike it. It's not worth it to keep going. Yeah, but then you find that

middle ground. So it's like, I like rough. It's like, I actually don't, but I'll be a little rough because that's what you like it i actually dislike it right it's not worth it to keep going yeah but then you find that middle ground so it's like i like rough it's like i actually don't but i'll be a little rough because that's what you like but that's not going to be like my cup of tea right so then you know that person's not necessarily expecting like the full rough housing and then you could also have an open relationship those work out great openness and like you can do this with me or with somebody else and there's like i don't like rough stuff but if you need to get slapped, go get it, girl. That's really cool. Yeah. Imagine being that supportive of a lover.

Yeah, it'd be awesome. I can't give that to you, but I want you to have that. Yeah, for sure. It's like, go at it. Go with God. Go with God. And not even in a lucid dream style. Go to God.

Go see God. Go find God. Yeah. And I'll be here waiting for you because I want to be here with open arms when you return from your lover's embrace. That's cool. I will ice your wounds. She has a hickey. That's so cool because I wasn't willing to give that to you.

So who did? I want to shake the man's hand that sucked on your neck. Put her there, brother. Thank you so much for hurting my wife in the way that she needed that I wasn't able to provide. He gives you a hickey, too. Oh. Oh, you're rough.

My God, I can see why you like her. Enough horsing around. All right. Another break, but we got some real juicy ones on the other side. Good. On the other side. On the other side of hard. Nice.

None of this fucking slapping thing. We really get into it. All right. Good. Good. Good. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o!

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and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we have returned. Yes. How is this for a question? Did I accidentally get a sugar daddy? Whoa.

Love that. Love it so far. Accidental sugar daddy. Okay. A 23-year-old female living in California recently made an online friend who lives out of state and is seemingly very, very well off. As he's offered to take me on trips, buy me things before, and I've always said no because I don't know him too well and I don't want to take advantage of him and his wealth. So the problem is my newly bought car just broke down

and I need to buy a new one, but I don't have the money right now as I just bought the other one. He's offering to buy me a new car and I could really use the help, but I just don't know what to do. He says he doesn't have any ulterior motives, but I can't imagine someone would just gift someone a new car without wanting something in return. Am I overthinking this? Should I just take the free car and be grateful or decline and be carless but keep my dignity?

Help. Very interesting. I will say two things. He definitely wants something in return, obviously. He's not just giving up the car for no reason. It's not just goodwill. There are plenty of charitable organizations that he could give to. Yeah. Like 1-877

Cars for Kids. Yeah, exactly. Donate your car today. 1-877 Cars for Kids. K-A-R-S CARS-FOR-KIDS 1-877-CARS-FOR-KIDS Donate your car today.

Yeah. You should donate your car. You should donate your new car to kids with a K-I-Z-E. It's a lease. I can't do that. It's a lease. Buy out the lease. I can't do that. It's a lease. Buy out the lease.

Donate your car today. Today? I can't do it today. My car is in a fucking long-term parking at JFK. I can't do it today. Donate your car today. I can't do it today. I'd have to buy out the lease. Buy out the lease today. And then when you land, donate it to kids.

Donate to cars for kids. It's what, a 2019? It's 2020. It's a 2020 Toyota 4Runner. And I can't just give that. What would I drive? You'd get a Civic or a Prius C. I need my car. You'll have a car.

You'll lease to own an Audi. He used to lease to own an Audi. My dad used to lease to own an Audi. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's why my dad once had an Audi. Yeah, he owned an Audi. He leased an Audi.

Oh, so this is what I was saying. There are strings attached, but you don't have to honor them. This isn't like a legal trade. I think if you would theoretically not even be taking advantage because he says he has no ulterior motives. And he'll buy you the car and then he'll say, you should come visit me for a weekend. I'll fly you out. And you'll say, I don't want to, or I can't or whatever.

And he'll keep on asking. And then you'll say no. And then eventually he'll be like, I bought you a car. You should really come thank me in person. I see. And then the shoe will drop. Here's the problem with the car thing is that they have to have so much info. Yeah. You can't just – I don't think you can just give someone a car.

It's like you have to register the car. You should just ask them for the down payment, you know. Yeah. Venmo me $21,000 and I'll buy the car. Definitely just take cash. Don't put the lease in – Cashier's check. Yeah.

Sent to a PO box. There you go. And then I'll take the money and I'll get myself a car. Thank you. Yeah. Cashier's check sent to a PO box is better. You don't even want to give them your routing number. Let's not do an ACH transfer or anything like that.

That's too much information. Maybe Zelle. Zelle actually could work. But he might have a limit. But if he's rich, maybe he doesn't. Well, that's the nice thing about crypto. It's completely anonymous. You can send someone a few BTC.

Ask for Bitcoin. I would say you don't have a sugar daddy yet until you've actually accepted the cash and gifts. Well, she said she's already sort of gotten some stuff from him, right? Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, this is a weird. Oh, sorry. He's offered to take me on trips and buy me things.

But I've said no. It's weird. I don't. I don't. I'm so far removed from this world. I have no idea how, like, on one hand, it seems kind of fucking like dangerous to be indebted to somebody who's like giving you cash,

then you become dependent on him, whatever. But then on the other hand, it is free stuff. And if you, if you have the willpower and you can deny his other advances, maybe it's fine. Yeah. I don't know. My one fear is when the housing and cars, it's all just like they need to know everything about you. Right.

And he'll have to know everything. I guess the risk is becoming too dependent. If he's like, oh, I'll get you a car, but he's just making your car payments every month. Yeah, that's weird. Then you really need him. And that's fucking, that seems a little muddy. Yeah, whoever like walks into a car dealership and is like, here's a check for $41,000. Give me a full car and I don't have to pay anything ever again.

That's not quite how it works. I think it's fucking scary. Although this question is kind of weird too. My newly bought car just broke down and I need to buy a new one. What could that possibly be? Newly bought doesn't necessarily signal new car. So she bought a used car. She might have bought a used car.

And they're like, the engine is dead. Crapped out. And that's. You have to buy a new one. The car is totaled. It'll cost more money to fix it than you paid for it. There's no reason. Just broke down.

Not even like. Not even like. I wrapped her around a tree. That'll happen. You know. Not. Yeah. That'll happen. Something.? Yeah, that'll happen.

Something goes wrong. Dead car. Yeah. So she needs to buy a completely new one from scratch. Yeah. What if he's buying like a shitty old used car? Like, I'll just fucking send you a Toyota Corolla 1992. I have an extra car.

I'll put it on a truck bed, send it down to California. But he's still got to register it and all this stuff. It seems bizarre to me. He'll have access extra car. I'll put it on a truck bed, send it down to California. But you still got to register and all this stuff. It seems bizarre. He'll have access. Yeah. He'll have access to your records, to your accounts. You have to go to the DMV, get a new license plate. I mean, he might be nice.

He might be nice too. Yeah, that's unfortunate. It must suck to be a really rich older guy who actually does want to give people gifts. Because everyone thinks you have ulterior motives. He has ulterior motives, but he might also be like, I want to hook up with this person, but I'm a nice guy and I'm just going to try to do it through gifting and giving rather than anything else. And that might be it.

But I feel like we as men have such a bad reputation that I would say still stay away. You basically have to avoid the nice guys as well just to really steer clear of the bad ones. Yeah. It's like if you see some guy who's like really like creepy looking and he lives in his mom's basement but he's just a nice guy. Like that guy has a bad rap because like you always hear about the creepy guy that lives in the mom's basement. Yeah. That's like building a fucking bomb down there. Basically everything a guy does is creepy until it's not.

So we're guilty until proven innocent. Yeah. You say, oh, I'll buy you that. It's seemingly innocuous and nice. But it's like. But then what's your expectation? And what happens when you don't get what you expect and what you want? Then you get angry, right?

Yeah. It's not worth the stress. It's not worth the stress. It's not worth the risk. What if she says, give a car to somebody else? That person will then give me the car. Oh, give a car to my dad. Exactly. Yeah. That's awesome.

Let me put you in touch with my dad and you can explain to him. You'll have to go to the DMV with you and you'll have to change your registration and title. By the way, you guys are the same age. You should play golf together. But you'd have to pay for the round because, you know, you're his sugar dad. You're my sugar grandfather technically. A sugar granddaddy. That's a really good idea.

Yeah. That's actually, it's brilliant. Sugar granddaddy is probably a good domain name for our next Squarespace ad yeah it's also a good name for a show a thing that we're

pitching like a TV show it's like y'all know about sugar daddies right yeah sugar granddaddy this is like yeah if you want to get with me

you gotta give my dad a car sort of a sequel the pilot just wrote itself there's no second episode unfortunately but everything else makes sense we'll go to air okay one last question yeah The pilot just wrote itself. There's no second episode, unfortunately. We'll go to air.

Okay. One last question. Yeah. A lot of options here. A lot of options. Okay. Do you want to do... All right.

Here's sort of a quick and easy one. All right. To preface this, I'm stoned out of my mind, right? We'll call this lady Stoney. But what's the harm in asking you guys this whirlwind of a question rather than my therapist? I broke up with my fiance six months ago and recently started thinking I might be a lesbian. I've always known I'm bi and I've wondered if I've preferred men over women. Recently, I've been noticing more women than men,

and this has gotten me confused. The only experience I've had with a girl was negative. She strung me along for four years. I was deeply in love with her, and she always implied that she'd sleep with me one day, but it never happened. She told me she couldn't be with someone else who wasn't a lesbian and left me.

The question is, should I start experimenting with other women so close after a breakup with my fiance? I mean, we were together for five years and planned a wedding together. I feel like if I turn, if he found out, he would be hurt because I don't think he's over me yet. But I'm a thousand percent over him. I'm also a little nervous because I feel like I'd be losing my virginity again, even though I'm in my late twenties now. Wow. I mean, this lady's high. Yeah. But is she bi? I mean, definitely bi, right? Because she was sort of sexually attracted slash engaged to a guy, but also attracted to and with a woman before yeah um i mean yeah it's it's a it's a sliding scale

you know yeah you can't nobody's fully straight or fully gay you're probably somewhere along this like spectrum as they say yeah and it's i also think you can go through like phases with it too yeah um so you're you're into women right now i I think see it through. If your only concern is the guy's feelings, then you've already done the hardest thing, which is call off the wedding and break up and you're a thousand percent over him. Yeah. So it is definitely time to stop letting the way he feels guide any decisions in your life. You've gone through the hardest part. You don't have to like share with him anything else. Yeah. You've gone through the hardest part. You don't have to like share with him anything else.

Yeah. You guys are broken up. So. I would also personally if somebody broke up with me I would be less offended if they ended up with another woman

versus another dude. Yeah. Because that was something you couldn't necessarily provide. That's right. It's like what do I have that she doesn't? Oh.

A feminine energy. Yeah. An emotional intelligence. I get it. Yeah. An emotional intelligence. I get it. I get it. I absolutely get it. She's emotionally available to you. Yeah.

That makes sense. Not me. So specifically, am I a lesbian? Who knows? Who are we to define it? Yeah. But there's only one way to find out. And it sounds like your bad experience with a woman before shouldn't necessarily color the

entire thing moving forward. You're in your late 20s and you are talking about losing your virginity all over again, as you say, but what better time than now? Yeah. Late 20s is not that old. Yeah. You also don't have to dive right into losing your virginity and having sex with women all the time. Just like go on a few dates with somebody, you know, and see if it feels good. Baby steps. Yeah, exactly. All right. That's it.

That's our show. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being here with us. You can watch these episodes now on our YouTube. If I were your show on YouTube. Yeah. We're also still making videos on our Patreon.

Damn right. Patreon.com slash JA. Yeah. We're also making this podcast every week. So there's going to be enough for you. Don't be like offended if an episode is a little short. Right. Because then this is like episode 540 or

something. Yeah. It's like there's other shit you can watch. I don't think anybody complains about the length or the amount of ads or anything. Really? Yeah. That's really cool. I haven't looked at the comments or anything but I think we're good there. So you're not looking at the comments? No. Okay.

But you're sure what they say? Yeah. I'm sure what they say. Okay. Yeah. I think we're good. Okay. Yeah.

That's awesome. God bless you, man. That opening and closing theme song was written by J.D. Zeich. Let's hear the Zeykestra piece again. That's a Zyke masterpiece. Thanks for you guys listening. We will be back next week. Zyke.

Zyke out. Jake and Amir, please dry my tears. My dime of a girlfriend cheated on me. I cheated first, But it hurts worse When I think about how she said He was bigger than me I'm feeling blue

What should I do? What would you do if I were you? You're in the zone. How long was I gone? You're rolling. What would you do? What would you do if I were you? Zike!

We are! Zike! That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this?

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