Segments - 540: Nostalgia

Episode Date: May 16, 2022

In this episode we discuss Home Improvement, Bar Mitzvahs, and texting for dummies. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Oh, hell yeah.

Oh, it's groovy. Groovy. Thank you. Cause when you shed a lock There's only one podcast that you can count on If I were you These two jewels are here to help me To give a grace and some peace to me What should I do? Should I kill myself? Start once or just sit back

and listen to me And I guess there's not a problem if they can't have What if I were human, listen to someone else And I guess there's not a problem if I can't have arms straight and near if I were you. Wow. Is it just me or are the songs getting better? I think we're getting worse and so the songs feel better.

Juxtaposition. Yeah. The proximity to us. Yeah. Not musically. We're just becoming dumber. Right. That makes sense.

That makes sense. Pretty good song. Is that an OG, or is it a cover? It's a Death Cab parody. So no reason why. That's the reason why I liked it so much. Because deep in your bones, your DNA, you had to have liked it. Yeah.

That was that opening riff. There was a moment during that opening riff where I was like, I hope no one ever sings. I just want to be in this fucking moment and just coast. You know what I mean? Yeah. So do the podcast or just hear it. I want to quit the show. I don't want to be with you anymore.

And I want to just be out there on my own, coasting, ghosting your sorry ass. I quit. I'm done. We're finished. Finito. Bye-bye. Do you know what I mean?

And I'm just mellow. I'm just fucking coasting. Sorry. It sounds like you're quitting, but then it's like, it keeps slinking back. I'm not. I can't quit because I need this financially. But in that moment, I was

like just envisioning a future where I didn't have to be with or around or near or together with you. But let's have a good show. Let's have fun. My name. Yeah. It's hard for me to shake that but yeah yeah this guy's name is john john pleasure doing business with you john nice he runs a music

studio oh come on oh my god come on. I had no idea that would happen. He teaches guitar and bass outside of Philly, and I watched Jake and Amir on College Humor throughout high school and college, but only found out about the podcast a year ago. What? Yeah. I've been wanting to send in a theme song for a while, and I could never find the right idea, but as soon as I noticed the upsetting lack of death cab parodies,

that made my decision for me. Hope you guys dig this song, and muchas gracias if you can plug my music at realnumberspa.bandcamp.com. Very, very cool. I actually listened to Death Cab for Cutie recently when I was in Dallas. I went on a run. I was going to save this for unsolicited advice, but I've been doing these nostalgic runs. I see. So you choose an era of your life. Yeah.

Or just listen to Guster. Or I'll listen to Blink-182. I'll listen to Death Cab for Cutie. Right. And it's really nice. Because you're running, but you're listening to songs that you did in 2004. Yeah. Nothing gives me more energy than an old song I used to love

that just makes me think about a good time. Yeah. What songs do you think you'll be listening to in 20 years about this year? Oh. Like a COVID song that you would want to go back to the long time. Like celebrity cover of Imagine. Oh, that's really dope. So it's Gal Gadot.

Gal Gadot. Yeah, you sort of put it on your iPad. Oh, that's really dope. So it's Gal Gadot. Gal Gadot. Yeah, you sort of put it on your iPad. Yeah. iPod, yeah. I was back. Bring me back to lockdown. Rhythm of the Rice. By Jeffrey James, who's now vice president of America in 2042, if you can imagine.

Oh, my God. He's working directly under President Musk. Trus President Musk. Trust Musk. Thanks, dude, says John. Thank you, John. John Erickson. Shout out. Wow, this guy looks like he has a few kids in his profile picture.

Really? Nice. Jesus. I'm actually in the market for more God children. Really? Yeah. What are you doing? I'm just zooming in on his google profile

yep I'm through and I'm on LinkedIn we have a show to host holy shit he runs a catering business I'm going to stalk him right now you're going to dox him? not dox him but his email is we can leave this out later

you're swatting him alright this is if I were you the only advice pod on the web hosted by us I'm Amir I'm Jake we are in the studio again live in the studio Casey's got his mic on so if you're hearing laughter in there that's cause I asked for it that's good so it's like

it's like a live studio audience but it's just but it's just Casey right so if he finds something funny people will know to laugh along with it. Yeah, exactly. But if something's funny and it's not his cup of tea, it'll be silent. Yes, exactly. Like that just now. But there he goes.

I can laugh too, by the way. This is just going to be me reacting to Casey's laugh. Got him. Got him again. And I laughed at your laughter, and so it creates this positive feedback loop of laughter. Let's see here. We got some real questions from real people. Just got to give them some fake names and answer these fucking sticky-ass situations.

Great. Here's one that was fascinating to me. My roommate's parents have taken over our apartment. Whoa. That sucks. That sucks. Tim Allen writes, oh, actually, it's a lady. Do you remember? Tina Allen. Oh, his wife on the show. No, I don't even remember the kid's name. It was Randy. Randy was one of them. Yeah, Randy. Yeah, Randy. JTT was one.

Yeah, JTT. But what was his name? Well, his name was Randy, wasn't it? No, Randy was the older one. Yeah. For some reason, I remember all of their actual... Zachary Ty Bryan was Randy. Yeah.

Jonathan Taylor Thomas was Sandy. Yeah, I forgot. They rhymed their names. Taylor Noah Smith, Dandy. Tara? Taryn. Taryn? Taryn. Yeah, I think it was rhyme their names. Taylor Noah Smith. Dandy. Tara? Taryn. Taryn? Yeah, I think it was Taryn.

Taryn Noah Smith. I think we talked about this before, but it seemed like the actor went through a goth phase and they wrote it into the show. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. That was just on him. The mom was Patricia Richardson, I feel, but I don't know her character name. The character name was Jill Taylor.

Jill Taylor. Wow. Did you know that? I looked it up. Is Patricia Richardson correct? Yeah. Can you tell us the name of all the children on the show? There's Randy.

There's Randy. One second. Yeah, take your time. This is important. We want to make sure we get it. Yeah, Randy. It was JTT. Randy was JTT.

Randy was JTT? Yeah. Wow. Brian? Was Brian the oldest one? Brad. Brad. Yeah, Brad.

That was Zachary, Ty, Brian. Ty, Brian, yeah. And the youngest was Mark. Mark. Oh, I would never have guessed that. It's Tim, Jill, Brad, Randy, and Mark. Mark. Why is there a 58-year-old living with us inside of this goth tween's body?

Mark. You could tell that kid is not an actor anymore. Quite frankly, he peaked at nine. Yeah. Taryn is not going off to do bigger and bigger things. Sorry, Taron. You didn't have it. Okay.

Oh, wow. He's a really famous music video producer. Really? Yeah. That makes sense. I'm sure he's talented. He's a multi-hunter. I'm sure he's talented.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. He went on to work with Marilyn Manson. I'll look up what Taron Noah Smith is up to nowadays. Wow. He's older than you. Really? Want to feel old? Tranua Smith is up to nowadays. Wow, he's older than you. Really? Want to feel old?

Terranua Smith is 100. Terranua Smith is 38. 38? Wow. He's your age. No, you're older than him. Yeah. All right, I'll read all about this soon.

But just know that he's a vegan. He is a vegan? He is a vegan. Yeah. He had that energy when he was going through his goth days. Wow. Smith teaches people how to pilot submarines. Whoa.

Imagine that when you're just on a submarine and the guy between you and fucking Oblivion, the bottom of the ocean, is Taron Noah Smith. It's Mark. Mark. Mark Taylor himself. How the hell are you? Were you in Down Periscope, sir? Man. Long time listener, first time emailer, right?

Doesn't, wait, doesn't Ryder Strong follow you or listen to the podcast? You met him, right? I met him once. Sean. But he knew who you were. He was also a pilot on a submarine. Really? What the fuck is going on here?

Shout out to Ryder Strong. Don't ever meet your heroes because they'll all sort of enlist your work in the Navy. You served with Strong. I use my Rider Die. A few weeks ago, my roommate,

writes Jill Taylor, let me know that her parents were visiting town soon. We share a small two-bedroom, one-bath. There's not a ton of extra space and only the one bathroom and a couple cool cats running around. So I assumed her parents would be getting a hotel or Airbnb. A few days ago, she mentioned that she'd be sleeping on the couch. I was confused. Then it clicked. Her parents were going to stay with us. Later that day, they arrived and have been, uh, they arrived and have been camped out of our place for the last three days. They seem like lovely people, but I'm really disliking sharing a bathroom with

a couple in their sixties who I never met, especially sharing the only bathroom we have. I don't know. I've been spending as little time in the apartment as possible. Thankfully, I don't work from home, so I just go to the gym every day. So that takes a lot of the time. Uh, his, her parents are leaving tomorrow, but I'm wondering if I should mention my concerns to her once they're gone. I'd prefer them not to stay with us if they ever visit again. Am I being unreasonable? Is this totally normal? Or was I right in thinking it's weird? I'm 25, my roommate is 30, and we live in an apartment complex in Nashville.

We met online, live together well, but aren't really friends. Oh, I see. I see. It's complicated. I mean, I think it's not unreasonable to not like it. I don't think you necessarily need to say anything because I bet your roommate also didn't like it. Right, but it was like... But parents aren't going to visit more than your roommate also didn't like it. Right. But it was like.

But like parents aren't going to visit more than like once a year or something like that. It's in play. Yeah. You think it's going to be, oh, they're going to come, they're going to come here once a month and stay for four days. Not once a month, but like, yeah, they're coming back this summer. Yeah. But that's only a few days.

I wouldn't, I think, I think that's not, it's not that bad. Yeah. So like, because it's not that bad. Yeah. So like because it was a finite amount of time. I mean I would have liked a heads up, of course. Yeah. The heads up is nice. The heads up is nice. I think that your roommate probably didn't give you a heads up because he knows it's an inconvenience and knows that it's annoying.

So for that reason, if he's otherwise reasonable, I bet he's trying to limit your exposure to his parents. Yeah. And if this was the first time, I bet it didn't go well for him either. He slept on the couch for four days. Maybe he's a she. He probably doesn't love it. Oh, yeah, she, of course. Yeah, yeah.

Either way. Either way. I still wouldn't say anything. People are sensitive about their families. I think it's weird. If somebody was like, if I did this and somebody was like, I don't like when your parents stay here, I'd be like, fuck you. It's my mom and dad. I love them. I love them.

I love them so much. You come at my family. You're not fucking living with me anymore. I'll live with them. Okay. Yeah. At least I'll have to pay rent. Really?

Then my dad will live here. I'll move out. Then I'll visit him. Really get him having a fucking problem with his daughter visiting. Yeah. I think it's fine. I think it's fine. You think it's fine or you think it's not

great, but bringing anything up would be a little weird. I think it's so inconsequential. Inconsequential? Sharing a bathroom? For three days out of your life where you were able to not be there most of the time. Yeah, able to not be there because she didn't want to be there, not

because she happened to not be there. Yeah, but it happens when you have roommates. People visit. It's kind of weird. I had a two-bedroom, one-bath. Remember in New York, my first place. Yeah, but your two-bedroom, one-bath was especially... I mean, if somebody...

There was no living room. Yeah, there was no living room. It was just a kitchen and two bedrooms. Right, yeah. But if my roommate had his parents stay there and then he slept in the kitchen, that would be kind of weird. that would be kind of weird. That would be kind of weird.

But if it was like they're coming into town, they're only going to be here for three days. I would have liked a heads up. Yeah, a heads up. But I don't think you can say anything. Retroactively, you can't be like, by the way, I would have liked a heads up. Maybe, by the way, I would have liked a heads up. Let me know when they're coming next time. Not, I didn't enjoy them being here and that can't happen again.

Just going forward, know that they're not welcome. Yeah. If you're going to have guests for multiple days, let me know. And I think that's kind of the most you can say. Whether it's your parents or not. Yeah. And how you can get them back is to invite your parents for a week. That's really good.

And grandparents. Willy Wonka the fucking place. Just have fucking parents and grandparents everywhere. She can't even open a closet or a cupboard without finding a relative of hers. An uncle, an aunt. Oh, God. Oh, my God, a nephew. Like a little rat scurrying

across the floor. On the ceiling. Who is that? It's my fucking cousin. Shoo! He's possessed by a demon. With a broom. Can you open the window? Back's my fucking cousin. Shoo! He's possessed by a demon. With a broom. Can you open the window? Back into the crawl space. Back under the stairs with you.

I'm scared to be here. You have to share a bathroom with that imp. A Gollum-style great aunt who's staying underneath the bathroom sink. My Uncle Schmeagle. That's almost my middle name. So that was kind of offensive to me. It wasn't really. I felt anti-Semitic.

Of course it wasn't. It's fucking. I know it wasn't, but it felt like that to me. You're being too sensitive. You're dealing with other shit right now. Now you're telling me how to feel. Okay. Do you realize why that's not okay?

Do you realize why that's also anti-Semitic? Everything you say is sort of left of center slash skews anti-Jew right now. And I urge you to take a break and reconsider. Please. Please, let's take a break. Okay. I think we'll all do some soul searching. Good.

And I'll do some Tara Nanoa Smith searching. Good. Oh, he's dead. Yeah, Zachary Ty Bryan, rest in peace. All right, let's take a break. Thanks to sponsors and come back on the other side of these messages. Yeah. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

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You should do one to Weezer. You'd really enjoy that. So have you been alive long enough to have multiple nostalgic periods? Like is there a pre-Death Cab slash Blink-182 in a post and it's still nostalgic? It's like the high school phase. So that's like the Blink-182, the Third Eye Blind. Yeah. That kind of vibe. Pop punk, yeah.

Yeah. And then the college and post-college, which I guess is more the New York City. Yeah. The Death Cab, the Rilo Kylie. I see. So it's more chill and mellow. And that brings you all the way to basically now. Yeah.

I bet I probably could have some like Drake nostalgia. Right. Because it's been like 10 years now. Yeah. Since the first Drake album that I listened to. Right. Like the Road Trip to LA era hip hop. Yeah.

Yeah. Man of the Year. Right. Or that song. It's a great song. Yeah. It's like when you turn on the oldies now and there's songs from like the 90s on there and you're like, wait a minute, these aren't oldies.

But in actuality, they are 35-year-old songs. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I could do a Weezer. I could do a Weezer run. I could do a Blues Traveler slash Hootie and the Blowfish style early 90s. The next level is creating the playlist because right now I just do like Guster Radio

and I just run. Some of those are like for every year. Yeah, I could sit down and clean up my Spotify. That's my unsolicited advice. Clean up your Spotify. When I say TRL, Total Request Live,

it was the biggest show for teenagers in the late 90s. What songs do you think of? TRL. What's like word association? I guess it's like Backstreet Boys,

Britney Spears, NSYNC. I feel like there was that like battle for like the boy bands. Yeah. Like which one gets the number one spot. But I also remember like

when punk would like creep up onto there I was really excited. Oh like what? Like I think Blink-182 performed on TRL. They did Rock Show. That's cool. And it was always like when they were on they would get the number one song. Right. Yeah. That's such a cool coincidence that worked out that way. That's right. You're the most requested today. Yes, exactly. Like when Tom Green showed up hoping to God that his song, the bum bum song,

was number one. That's your nostalgic run. My bum is on your lips. Oh wait, that's Eminem. No, that, oh yeah. Is that Eminem? My bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips,

and if you're lucky, I might just give it a little kiss or something. But he's quoting Tom Green because I think that line's also in the bum bum song. I don't think it is. My bum is on your lips. And if you're lucky, I might just give it a little kiss or something. But he's quoting Tom Green because I think that line's also in the bum bum song. I don't think it is. My bum is on your lips. My bum is on your lips.

Look at me. My bum is on your lips. I don't know. Is it on the lips of the song? My bum is on the ship. The battleship. Y'all don't get how important that song was. My bum is on the Swedish.

Swedish. I can already feel like my parents rolling their eyes at me watching this song. This is really good. This song's really funny. He's going to put his ass on a loon. Dad, where are you going? My bum is all alone. This is the part where it gets a little sad.

But don't worry talking to a fucking babysitter that's making out with someone else your hand is in a light socket she's barely paying attention the Swedish is all alone actually let's call it out we want a bum bum song if I were you show parody

I like that a lot I like that a lot yeah his ass was on a bunch of things holding a mirror to society as it were that's correct Terran Noah Smith gained control of his 11.5 million trust fund at age 18 when he accused

his parents of squandering by purchasing a mansion for themselves. It's not necessarily squandering. Yeah. I wouldn't call it squandering to buy a mansion. Yeah, I wonder what the rules are. It's kind of like parking it in real estate. You drive a fucking 11-year-old to an audition and he books it. Mm-hmm. I feel like you should have access to that money. Yeah. That was your money. It's kind of like parking it in real estate. You drive a fucking 11-year-old to an audition and he books it.

I feel like you should have access to that money. That was your money. But he's doing the work. He's on set. I mean, it depends what you're doing. If you're actually supportive or if you're kind of like that showbiz parent. It's just like pushing him to do something he doesn't want to do. He's cast on a show. No kid wants to really do that.

At age nine, you don't know what you want to do. You're just getting shuffled to places by your parents. Yeah, but I mean, there are children that want to be actors. They just don't necessarily know all that it entails, I think, when they make the decision. Right. I'll just be on set for a few days. Actually, it'll be like second through 12th grade. Yeah, I think you learn in retrospect, like, wow, I was working since I was nine.

Yeah, that is kind of crazy. There's like child labor laws, but I guess if you're an actor, they don't apply. No, I think they still do. Like SAG has stuff where they can't be on set for a certain amount of time. They have to have school lawyers there. But at the same time, you couldn't, at age nine, work at The Gap. But you could star in a movie. Right. Definitely. You can earn money and have a job

as, I mean, there are babies on set. But there's also, I saw a baby at Old Navy once. I don't know if she was working or if she was just there with her mom. She was not working. Yeah. There was a baby. Right. I saw a four-year-old pumping gas

at a 76. It was seemingly illegal, but ultimately fine. Yeah. It must be weird to be like the parent of a five-year-old and like you're making $2,100 a month and the kid's making like $8,000 a month. Yeah. They don't know what that is. The kid's getting residuals. Yeah.

Yeah. No, it is. I mean, but if he gained access to a trust fund, then it sounds like they had a trust fund for him, which is good. Yeah, is that the... I'm not going to take Taryn Noah Smith's parents' side, but he also seemed like a problematic child. Look at the goth face. You're fucking their parents' lawyer? But you do, like, you have a contentious relationship with your parents when you're a teenager, but then you add to that the element that they have millions of your dollars.

Yeah. It must be weird when you're 17. Definitely. It's a pressure cooker of a situation. I think I can come home after midnight, Mom. Yeah. You bought a house with the money that I used for my dinner. I earn cash for you.

I put food on this table, Mother. For us. I remember that with my bar mitzvah money. Yes, exactly. That's my money. I learned my haft Torah. Yeah. That was work.

Right. That was work technically, though the party was entirely paid for by my parents. Yeah. I think they definitely came out in the red. But I still want that money. That's my $8,000, dad. I remember somebody gave me like two shares of Nabisco stock for my bar mitzvah at age 13. Yeah. And now you're a multimillionaire, right?

Yeah. I'm a billionaire. That stock is split 48 times. Technically, I'm a majority shareholder in Nabisco Co. So I'm the CEO of Pepsi. Yeah, incredible. Craft. Incredible. I mean, my God, for your bar mitzvah. And I was so bored by that gift at the time.

To have a sheet of paper say I own two shares of Nabisco. I remember, I think we did put a bunch of my bar mitzvah money into the stock market. And I was really excited. You know in school when you play the stock market, you buy fake shares and stuff to learn how it works? it was like that – you know in school when you like look at the – you like play the stock market, you like buy fake shares and stuff to like learn how it works? It was around that time or like a few years after that.

And I was very – I would like look online and be like, I made $200 today in the stock market. That's cool. And then I lost it all. You actually lost it all to Bernie Madoff. At age 14, you took a pretty substantial loan and gave it all to Bernie. I borrowed against that money also. So I leveraged my bar mitzvah cash and sort of pump and dumped it into a Ponzi scheme. I spent my high school years in debtor's prison.

I tried to have another bar mitzvah as a 22-year-old. Sort of. But my uncle, the well had gone dry. My uncles weren't writing checks for $68 anymore. Is 68 one of those lucky numbers? No, multiples of 18. Of course. Yeah.

My bar mitzvah theme was Enron. Do you realize how fucked up that is? It was too big to fail. I submarine my entire community. Here's an interesting one. Okay. This guy's girlfriend has revealing Instagram photos, actually. I'd like to see the Instagram.

Is it linked? Is it linked? No. I'm a 21-year-old male from New York, and my girlfriend and I have been together for five months, and I have a problem with her Instagram. She has a lot of revealing Instagram photos up, and it makes me uncomfortable.

I don't like the fact that she has these photos up for everyone to see. Although her Instagram is private. She pretty much accepts all who follow request her and doesn't know, even if she doesn't know the person. Excuse me. I'm so sick to my stomach

thinking of these photos. I understand that the photos she put up were from when she was single and maybe she used them to get attention from... This guy sucks. And maybe she used them to get attention from guys like me.

But now that she's in a relationship I would like her to be a little more reserved. It worked. You got me. Now take the photos down, sweetheart. I want to ask her to take these photos down, but I don't know if that's too much of an ask.

I definitely don't want my family to see these, let alone other random people. Any advice is much appreciated. Oh, man. I get over it. Get over it, right? Well, can you say that it makes me uncomfortable? I don't know, man.

It's somebody else's online presence. You can't step on that. Yeah, especially because she's not going to be with you forever because you're kind of a dickling. That's true. You want her to take down the photos and then just repost them in a few weeks. You liked her for who she was before, right? Yeah. So keep on doing that.

Keep on keeping on. You liked the photos once. You liked them a lot. Yeah. And now you're with her and you don't like the photos. It's a little hypocritical. Just photos.

Is there an insecurity there? Like I don't want her to meet somebody that's like better than me a little bit. Or just, I mean, I think there's like – it's protective. I know that I did also feel like this at 21. I'm a lot more laissez-faire now. But yeah, I think it ultimately doesn't matter.

It's like, oh, that's my girlfriend. No one should see her cleavage but me. Yeah, then it's like, okay, so where do you draw the line? If I go to a pool party, can I not wear my bathing suit? You can wear it with a sarong. Is that sarong to ask? Sarong to ask. Just a baggy white tee.

Don't get it wet. Meanwhile, he's in a fucking Speedo with a vicious V. Oh, but Nana Hammock. Borat style. Everyone's looking at him. He's the life of the party. Yeah, I think that it's just not a big deal. Yeah. It's not a big deal. And I think also if you

it's a slippery slope because if you try to do this, I think you're going to end up encouraging the behavior that you actually don't want. Yeah, you don't want It's as bad as it is without you interfering. Right. But if you start being like don't post these photos. She'll be like, I'm going to do what I want.

Then the photos get worse. Then she kind of does it to assert herself over you, which she would be in the right to do. I mean, you're obviously attracted to her, and she's putting these photos up, getting compliments about it. She's also looking for whatever validation and joy she gets from that too. So in theory, you guys are on the same page there. I think the healthiest thing to do is if it's really gnawing at you is to mute her on Instagram. Wow. And you just won't even see it.

She's private too. She's private. I think it's fine. Why go private? I wonder if you're posting sexy photos. Like, don't you want more people to see that? Or you want more like dedicated followers. So you make it private.

And then the people that are looking actually have to let you know they're looking. That's good. Yeah. So it's like, I'm going to post. No lurkers. Yeah. That way, like, it forces everyone who wants to see the photos. Yeah.

To pay the toll on the whole thing. Like, when I post on Instagram, it's not necessarily about like I want people to see this. It's like I like having like a memory that stays somewhere. A time capsule. Yeah, like that. And maybe she wants to have a time capsule of when she's feeling young and beautiful and hot. And who wouldn't want that? Right.

Public record of your hotness. I think that's great. Yeah. Okay. Let's take another break, answer some more questions on. Public record of your hotness. I think that's great. Yeah. Okay. Let's take another break, answer some more questions on the other side of these massages. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o! DraftKings.

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mcdouble or a mcchicken then get a small fry a small drink and a four-piece mcnuggets that's a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money price and participation may vary for a limited time only and we have returned yeah can the way a person texts be a deal breaker? Ooh, let's hear. Okay. Steve Jobs writes, I'm a 25-year-old Canadian male and I found myself in a sticky situation. There's this girl at work who I've been eyeing for a couple weeks now. And after telling a coworker that she's pretty, word got around to her and she came around and talked to me, which is great, right? Yeah.

I thought so too at first. This happened on a Friday and we only had enough time to talk in person for a little while before the weekend came, and then we switched texting slash messenger. I find the way she talks through texts may possibly say a lot about her, and I can't quite explain it. For one, she literally only compliments me, and that's pretty much the only thing she says like how hot I am and how sweet and cute I am it's really flattering but I'd like to talk about something else for a change like I don't know getting to know her would be nice or talking about what she does for fun or what her goals in life are literally anything other than how attractive I am she also talks and run on sentences and has a lot of grammatical errors and it's just a big turnoff for me. It's Tuesday night right now and she called in sick Monday and Tuesday so I haven't

been able to talk to her in person since Friday and all I know is I forget what she's like in person versus what she's like via text. So my question is, do you think the way someone speaks to you via text can say a lot about them? Has someone ever texted you or messaged you in a way that's been a deal breaker? I probably sound like an asshole, but if I add any more context, then I'll have written you guys a novel. Thanks guys. I think it's too early to tell. Too early to tell. Because you had one good conversation, one bad text conversation. I mean, on its face, it basically sounds great. The girl that you had a crush on at work is texting you and saying that you're hot.

Yeah. That's not a problem. So far, so good. So far, so good. Yeah. The run-on sentences, I think being a little too gung-ho and kind of like, I don't know, all over the place would be a red flag to me.

But at the same time, like I said, I think it's too early to tell. I think the way somebody texts cannot be a deal breaker. You need to marry the way they text with how they are in real life. Right. Because most of the time you'll be with them IRL, not just in the metaverse. And I think also people tend to like find a common ground in a similar language eventually. Right. I don't think she'll forever just talk about how hot and cute you are.

She's probably just like feeling excited that you have a crush on her too. Yeah. And, you know, that feels good. Maybe her communication style is just like she likes those words of affirmation instead of like the get to know you right now. Maybe she's nervous. Yeah. Could be. Maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe she's nervous. Yeah, could be. Maybe it's Maybelline.

Maybe it's Maybelline. It could be the shampoo. Yeah, it probably is. You know, a lot of times these companies, not to get like weird galaxy brain on you or conspiracy theories. It's definitely. They control you. Don't think it's galaxy brain, by the way. Because galaxy brain, I feel like implies like. Like I'm through the looking glass.

Yeah. And you have like a good take or smart. But think about how close you are to your brain when you're massaging an the looking glass. Yeah. And you have like a good take or smart. But think about how close you are to your brain when you're massaging an oil into it. Yeah. Now think about if they were to use that to control your thoughts. How would they do it? Would they go through pills perhaps? Would they go through literally shampooing?

Yeah. So you're massaging a message. So like L'Oreal is making you a zombie is what you're saying. Not a zombie. But a Republican. I'm stupid. At the very least a message. So like L'Oreal is making you a zombie is what you're saying. Not a zombie. But a Republican. I'm stupid. At the very least a Democrat. What's the difference?

Thank you. Do you have a way of texting that's different than your speaking voice or is it pretty much the same thing? I think it's pretty much the same thing. But I will say I usually, I'm a one sentence, enter. Another sentence, enter. And I'm good with a block, you know, kind of

like rapid fire, a few in a row. And what I don't like seeing is when somebody texts me with the paragraphs. Like, sentence, enter, enter, paragraph. Line breaks with line breaks yeah i don't like a line break it feels like i'm reading an email so i bet if i was talking to somebody with a bunch of line breaks i wouldn't say anything but it would be like i wouldn't enjoy

texting them and i feel like in the beginning of a relationship you do need to enjoy the text banter how's your emoji game recently? Pretty solid. They just dropped some new emojis. There's the salute. My new favorite one is like the... I can barely look. Yeah, that's a good one. When somebody texts you something shameful or salacious.

Let's compare recent emojis. Okay. A lot of mine are kind of flags that you don't really recognize. Interesting. So like the Algerian flag is my most used one. And then a thumbs down. Interesting. But a lot of it is sort of controlled by my

Pert Plus dandruff shampoo. I have the surfer dude. Oh, the Shaka. The Shaka. I have smiling I feel like this is my entire life actually. My top row. Shaka. The Shaka. I have smiling. I feel like this is my entire life, actually. My top row. Shaka, smiling with a sweat drop, smiling with a tear, happy, praise hands, and then the eyes watering like I'm going to cry because I'm really happy.

Yeah, this one. Yeah, that's one. I've been using that one a lot have you noticed this one it's sort of unnecessary it's a giant pint glass that's spilling a thin layer of syrup onto the ground for some reason use that one a lot

whenever I type damn it gives me this beaver so I'll sort of send a beaver instead of saying damn so like beaver Daniel damn Daniel like I said flag of a country you've never heard of flag of a country you've never heard of.

Flag of a country you've never heard of. Put your phone away. WC. Watch closet? Who says no to that? I guess I don't like it. This one is sort of the Chinese yuan going up in price. What else do I got?

Oh. Forget I asked. Elevator emoji. Elevator emoji. Elevator emoji, yeah. Good. Three people going up and down. A directory. Good.

And last but not yeast. Is it bread? NG. NG, not going to lie. Yes, exactly. So, I don't know. Yeah. Different emojis for different needs mate

I told you about my theory I think your shampoo is seeping into your head yeah a lot of it is two for one so it's like it's conditioner but it also makes me think certain ways this person it's conditioning

mental conditioning slash hair conditioner. Don't jump to conclusions. It's been one weekend. Relax, dude. Right. I think text, I think it can create a red flag, but not a deal breaker. So proceed with caution. Yeah.

Actually, speaking of red flags, it's another one of my pretty popular ones. Good. Whenever someone sends something to me, I'm just like, whoa. That's a red flag. Do not. Yeah. Do not. Do not send that over text.

Very Formula One, actually. Really? Red flags. What does it entail? That's when there's a crash and I have to stop the race. You have to stop the race? Yeah, there's different flags for different moments. If a car is in a wreck on the track, then yeah, it's going to be a red flag situation.

And then what do they do? I think a red flag means there was a crash. I don't know if that means stop the race, but then there's like a safety car. The car comes out, the drivers can't go faster than the safety car. So everybody kind of slows down to make sure that everything's okay. Track gets cleared, then they can go in. But sometimes if the wreck is bad enough, they have to fully stop the race. Everyone goes into the pit and then they do a second start. Do they have to go into the pit? If like over the course of an entire race, if you never need a pit stop, is that considered good? I think you actually get a penalty if you

don't go at least once, but it's considered – I mean, I think there's different strategies. You can be on harder tires that last longer, or you can be on softer tires that are faster but wear out faster. So you have to, like, pit twice. Yeah. I mean, I play Mario Kart, so I sort of understand the differences between the two. Tire degradation? Yeah. Okay.

And then some of them are just, like, gumballs, so that gives you better drift. Yeah, exactly. You get the banana them are just like gumballs. So that gives you better drift. Yeah, exactly. You get the banana drift, you get the lightning bolt. Sometimes if you're in last, you can get the bomb that kind of- Wow, the blue shell that sort of snakes its way to the front and destroys the person. In Formula One, are you allowed to block that with an air horn? Or is that just on the rainbow road? The air horn went off last year in Bahrain.

Really? Yeah. And that sort of exploded the blue shell. That's right. That's really cool. I'm actually interested in picking this up as a hobby since I know a lot of people are into it via that Netflix show. Yeah, I think DK actually races for McLaren. Really?

That's right. Diddy or Donkey? Donkey. That's right. I was going to say Diddy. Diddy's on Alfa Romeo. Diddy's on Alfa Romeo. Ditties on Alfa Romeo. And doesn't that say it all, folks?

All right. That's it. Take it easy, I guess. That's our response to anybody that emails us, I guess. Yeah. Relax. Relax. Everything's going to be fine.

Time to relax. Remember that Offspring CD? That could be on my early 90s mix. There you go. Yeah. Time to relax. I don't remember it, but it makes sense. Okay. Thank you

for everybody who's been writing in. The email address for your theme songs or your question is ifireashow at gmail.com. Don't know if we mentioned this, but this is being recorded as a video. You can watch us now every week, whether it's us in the same room. Looks really nice. Or us via

Zoom. There's a YouTube channel for that, if I reshow. And we're also making videos on our Patreon still, so you can watch that. A lot of us if you want it. Patreon.com slash J-A. That's right. And if you want less of us, you can just sort of finish this episode and call it a career.

We'll be back, of course, next week, as we always are. The opening theme song, same as the closing. Let's see if I can remember it. It's a good mental exercise. Death Cab for Cutie. Parody.

Parody. Wasn't it John? Yes, John Erickson. John Erickson. Let's hear that one again. Thank you to John. And keep those coming as well. Love to hear a bum bum song parody.

Absolutely savage. Please. Who's to say what we will put our bum on in it? That's right. We'll be back soon. Thanks everybody. You got a problem at work Your boss is a douchebag You banged a cold one You feel like kind of a jerk Cause you ghosted an excellent match

With them and Tim Butter You think that everything's fucked There's no need to worry When something goes wrong Cause when you shed a lock There's only one podcast That you can count on If I were you Good night. What should I do? Should I kill myself in Starbucks?

Or just sit back and listen to it? And I guess there's not a problem if they can't help. Why the fuck would you want to listen to someone else? And I guess there's not a problem if they can't help. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this?

Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.