Segments - 541: Porn Ultimatum

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

In this episode we discuss the best states, the worst dates, and cheating in dreams. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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You do you And seize the cheese If I If I were you If I were you Damn, what a crooner. Yeah. damn what a crooner yeah did you like that or would you like say that he was a little flat on the no way no how dare you give a note you fucking because you're nothing you're a troll. Do you hear me right here?

Okay. I'll admit that that was actually pretty good. That was like with minimal vocal warm-ups. Why don't you... My left ear AirPod wasn't quite working. Can you hit that note one more time? I just want to see. I want to make sure you can do it twice.

Because that's kind of what makes you... know every step of it I'll be here every step of the way and then it goes up like from there yeah sorry the zoom is doing that thing where it like cuts off like um kind of you know a noise that could be painful to your ears, you know, like it muted you because you were so grating. And I'm glad you did it twice because that did confirm my belief that you actually, you're tone deaf flat and you're not good at singing, bud. But I bet you wish you could sing like me wow whitney yeah that is that you she's dead um you know sing the original version of that song no maybe it wasn't the original but in the 60s or 70s dolly parton sang that song huh and it's a great rendition uh i will always love you yeah dolly parton maybe it was like

based on an old song who sang that one that we heard that uh was whitney houston yeah no way did she start looking If I Were You theme song? It was Sean Hotley, who's a day one listener. A short cover of the Whitney Houston I Will Always Love You from, do you remember the movie? Bodyguard. That's right, The Bodyguard. Starring Whitney Houston and Bruce Willis? I think it was Kevin Costner.

That's what I was trying to debate in my head. Yeah. You think it was Kevin Costner. That's what I was trying to debate in my head. Yeah. You think it was Kevin Costner, huh? I feel like the movie was just like a reason to have Whitney sing the song. Like, the song was such an important... It's like the Titanic movie, where it's like, the movie was big, but it's really

all about that song. It's like the song is almost as big, if not bigger. Yeah, the song is more iconic than the movie. That's for sure. Yeah. And I just looked it up, and I was right. It is Kevin Costner. All right, good.

Me and Kevin Costner, by the way. Yeah, you said it was somebody else. Me and Kevin Costner, both January 18th babies. Really? I don't know if that's like cool for him, cool for for me i bet we're both equally humbled and honored to have that attaboys with each other well he definitely doesn't know that you have the birthday because you're irrelevant to costner but i will say that i think that's pretty cool and i actually might change my birthday so I can share my birthday with the Costco. So maybe I wouldn't mind being born on 118.

I cannot do that. You get one birthday shift. I think if you get a name change, you get a birthday change. I think I tweeted this one time where for ten thousand dollars you should be able to nudge your birthday a day so it's not like a full shift it's just like a ten thousand dollar one-time nudge like obviously you want to like be close to your birthday so like i can't just say i want to be fucking fourth of july whatever i think you should be able to here's ten grand make my legal birthday the 17th of january i don't think it should be able to do that. Here's $10,000. Make my legal birthday the 17th of January.

I don't think it should cost that much. I think it's like a name change. I just think you can't abuse it. You get one, and it could be whatever you want within a year. Nudge? You can't change the year. But you can't go from January 1st to December 31st. That's like borderline giving you an extra year of life.

That's the beauty of the nudge. It's more of a budge than a nudge because it won't budge that much. It's a bump. It's a scoot. It's a slide. The nudge is a budge. It's a fudge. Okay. Yeah, exactly. So you'd be like, just like, oh, I want... I could share our birthday with Obama if I nudged. I do one day nudge. And oddly enough, I could do that too with Michelle Obama. That is really interesting. We don't talk about that enough, the fact that you and I are one day off of the Obamas. Yeah. I think that's what makes you and I a power couple.

Honestly, they should nudge if we're talking about nudging. To match us? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, 8-5 is a pretty pretty glorious birthday if i do say so myself because it's eight five eight five yeah i mean mine is mine is especially special but i think even eight five is pretty good why is it any better than eight four because well i mean for me it's eight five eight five and i regardless of that. Regardless, I think it's a nice number. I think 8-5 is, you know, that's a number people like to see. Ocho Cinco.

Yeah, the five. I think the five is good. I mean, 8-4 is pretty solid as well. Yeah. I'm going to come up with a nudging idea as a business plan and sell it to the fucking government. Cut this part out because I want to like go live slash public with it. You want that funding. You want those government contracts.

You're the bookkeeping. And I actually could be a notary for your new business because you're going to need. I didn't, but I think I, I still think I can do it. New York is a pretty easy state or no, actually Connecticut is where I'm going to get notarized. New York is a little harder. Officially through you. Yeah, but I have to notarize things. I think I have to notarize things in Connecticut, unfortunately.

But if I notarize something in Connecticut, it would be recognized anywhere you need a notary. Let's touch base offline you want to connect business later okay let's let me connect have your assistant have your assistant get my avails for later in the week yeah i just circle up i'm seeing your calendar avails yeah right here and some blackout hours that's actually a lot of blackout hours yeah well i'm masturbating in a hyperbaric chamber from tuesday to tuesday of next week i didn't want to say that yeah under the details yeah it was very explicit in the calendly public

calendly by the way yeah a sensory deprivation chamber and Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And you did get that notarized? Yes. Sean, who wrote and performed that song, co-hosts a podcast that's a chapter-by-chapter review slash critique of, drumroll please, the Hardy Boys books. Oh, good shit. Three years. I've never read those, but it seems like they would be fun to read. Yeah, I never read those, but it seems like they would be fun to read. Yeah, I never read them either. Three years, five books, four live shows later,

and we're loving all four of our listeners. You can find it at hardyandsonspodcast.com or find me at myfullname lowercase no spaces.com interesting wow that does actually forward to his full name there's no way that's easy to remember or spell my full name all lowercase no spaces.com that's like something we would give out on a Squarespace ad. Yeah. Okay. Let's get to business.

Actually, quick housekeeping. I think we are close to, if not at, the nine-year anniversary of our podcast. Not really a special one, but getting closer to 10. We started in May of 2013. Wow. What do you want to do for the nine-year anniversary? I mean, we're probably going to miss it because I'll be traveling and we're recording in advance. What? Traveling during the anniversary? Yeah. I'm actually going to be on tour with my other, more successful, frankly, podcast. No way.

Where? We're going to Ireland in the UK. Dublin, London, Manchester, Edinburgh. I love Ireland. You should go. You should definitely go. You're not invited with me, but you're allowed to go there. All right, put me on the list.

On your own time and on your own dime. If you want to go to the show, I can get you a comp, but you are going to have to buy a drink. It's a two drink minimum. And you'll have to bring me a gift, obviously, for the courtesy. What courtesy? What courtesy?

I still have to get a drink. I invited you to my show. I don't want the Guinness. I really don't think I can drink two of them in one show. You can get a diet soda. You just can't get water. They overcharge for those knowing that I'm sort of trying to skirt the alcohol

fee. You can get a bottle of water. And you might as well buy a t-shirt from the merch table while you're there as a courtesy. Give me a t-shirt, I'll wear it for free as a courtesy. For our anniversary, give me a shirt, I'll fly myself to the show pay for the ticket you get one of the two drinks and i'll get the shirt for a courtesy i'll give you a shirt but you're buying

a poster for as a courtesy as a courtesy and i will sign it as a courtesy i'll wear the shirt for free as a courtesy you then have to give me an autograph for the poster i'll pay for as a courtesy that's a courtesy that's a courtesy okay thank you i'm glad we got to the bottom thank you yeah i really think you should upgrade my ticket to dublin on airus. From comfort to comfort plus. You want extra leg room as a courtesy on Lingus? I can get you a checked bag, but we're not going to do anything about this. Actually, you know what?

As a courtesy, I will give you comfort plus, but it will be a middle seat. You're going to have to do me that courtesy. I can't spring for the aisle. I cannot afford the window as a courtesy though as a courtesy and i will get you a checked bag but you will be ubering from the airport i can't pick you up that's a courtesy to me they have uber in dublin yes they have it's an international company as a courtesy as a courtesy uh here's a porn really you talked about jerking it in your calendar here's a come on here's a great jerking it question with a great subject line the porn ultimatum i love it already i'm a 27 year old female in my first ever long-term serious

relationship is there are there any girls in like porn that we can refer to this person as like do I'm a 27 year old female in my first ever long-term serious relationship. Is there, are there any girls in like porn that we can refer to this person as like, do girls do porn too? Or is it just usually directors and producers that, you know? Yeah, no, I know mostly.

Yeah. I know mostly the, the men behind the production company and the, the men who own the, the streaming conglomerates, you know, the reality Kings, the the men who own the uh the streaming conglomerates yeah you know the reality kings the brazzers if you will um but i can name sure i can name a porn star um do you want to like horror or like what do you mean like big ass big tits anal ffm mf um you know that type of thing oh yeah uh gaping yeah sure gaping really Yeah, sure. Gaping. Really? Permission to give me a subgenre. Let's go Jessa Rhodes writes, 27 year old female in a long term relationships. First ever long term serious relationship. It's going well, except my boyfriend is way too into porn. It's like part of his routine. The way some people might have a show they watch or a yoga class they go to on Thursdays,

he watches porn on Thursdays. It's not that that's the only time he watches it, but that's when he makes the biggest meal of it. Some nights I'll be like, I want to watch a film and he'll be like, nah, I got to watch porn. Sometimes I'll wait for him to finish to start whatever I'm doing but other times I'm too annoyed and just go ahead and then he'll get annoyed and try to get me to restart if I'm watching something or be passive-aggressive about us eating dinner separately we've been late to social events because of his habit he talks to his mutual friends about it which is embarrassing and the and the files and tabs are pretty prominent on his laptop and desktop computer. Also, it can't be

a shared sexy time activity because I only like gay porn and he won't watch that. We're still fucking and it's not affecting that, except maybe making me a little less confident in myself. Personally, I only watch porn during dry spells, not when I'm getting it

on the reg. So I'm okay with other people still partaking. I just hate how big of a presence it is in my life. Do you think it's time to come to the porn ultimatum? Or is there another way out? Thanks. P.S. We both have tickets to NAD pod in Dublin. Wow. So if if we break up at least one of us won't go all right well i'm glad we're answering this probably before the show so hopefully they are going to both be there this is weird is this not weird to you well it's it's at first it's like let your boyfriend watch porn but then it's like oh he's doing it so much that he's missing social obligations sort of neglecting you and now suddenly you're playing second fiddle to this hobby slash borderline addiction that he has and she actually acts adds pps as i'm writing i'm wondering if i

should be worried about him is porn addiction a serious problem it's mean, it is a real thing. But it doesn't necessarily sound like he has, it's almost like he's, he's a little too proud of it. Like, I think it's normal to watch porn and engage with porn and have your own private, rich, masturbatory life. But the key word there i think is private i don't think that it is necessarily something that you should be like i'm going to go watch porn now you know that seems odd the fact that he's not like a little bit um hiding it he's more uh you're saying it's weird that he's like so open about it he's talking about it like it's just like a tv show that he watches yeah like i i think that it's i don't know maybe maybe i'm just old school but like i'm okay with everyone knowing the idea of that i watch you know that i watch porn but i don't i don't want people to know exactly when that's and how that's personal

yeah yeah it is personal but i think the bigger problem is like you know as long as we're trying to like you know be sex forward and positive and people should talk about porn like television if they want to or whatever the bigger problem is um like missing other things like i think that's when like addictions start to become a problem where it's like do i like alcohol or am i an alcoholic one of those questions are like do you like find yourself like not being there for other people because of alcohol is it a problem prioritize the porn over other things yeah exactly so like if you're doing it a lot or a little doesn't necessitate addiction it just seems like the problem is when it creates problems in your life like for example uh she can't start a movie until you're done cranking it and uh she can't

eat dinner without or she has to eat dinner without you because you're too busy masturbating right so i guess to me it's almost like just take pretend that it's not about masturbating you know pretend that it's not about porn it's you know, pretend that it's not about porn. It's like, let's just say it's an anime. He's really into anime or something. He has another hobby. He's okay.

So I'm have to watch movies and he's like late to them. And sometimes I eat dinner by myself. Yeah. I don't think that's grounds for dismissal. I think that's an, that's on in line with other annoying relationship things. Yeah. I think the solution here is with other annoying relationship things. I think the solution here is to be like, watch all the porn you want, but just don't tell me that that's what you're doing.

You know, find a reasonable excuse. Or stick to a schedule. Like, you can't, during our time, you can't be late or dropping the ball or, you know, prioritize the hobby over me. But yeah, and it's not necessarily about the porn. It's like, hey, we're eating dinner. You can't watch porn right now. Like, of course. But it's like, we're eating dinner. You have to be around for that, you know?

So it's porn or not. If we're going to watch a movie, I expect you to be around, know to do that if we're gonna eat dinner I you have a reasonable expectation as someone's girlfriend that they're not gonna like be late and make you eat alone yes exactly and then when it comes to the other the biggest issue is that she said it has no effect other other than making her feel less confident which I would say is a very big effect right and I don't think that that's something that you should be feeling in a relationship.

You should always be feeling more confident, more yourself in a relationship. So again, porn aside, I would share that fact. I'm feeling less confident because of X, Y, and Z. And you should do everything you can to correct or address it right so it's like i would just be like i'm not i'm not embarrassed or ashamed or upset about the porn itself but more so about the fact that this hobby whatever it is is taking priority over me yeah and then maybe you can answer this question live on stage as like who's your who's

your most recent character that you're doing at this specific live show do you know this my there's two different answers my rope my most recent character is a half giant named calder kill day but i will be performing in dub Dublin as hard one surefoot. Okay. So like, it could be like almost like a hard one. Like how would he possibly, I hate to commandeer the show because the story,

hundreds of people have bought tickets to see not, but you could, yeah, but you could in theory, like roll a five and then stare this guy directly in the eyes and then like say something like, I don't really know how to do the voice, but like you should. Yeah. So like a really low roll, then interrupt the show and talk about this guy's personal problem that he wrote into another podcast for. Yeah, exactly.

Just him and his girlfriend and me. So three people in the whole entire room will know what's going on because again this episode won't have aired yeah this episode won't have aired by the time i'm at the lunch at the dublin show so everybody would be confused yeah um saying that though does make me think that i should do it just because it would really freak just these two people out who hadn't heard the show and known that i read the email just a quick sample of what that would sound like i'm just curious like hard one sort of admonishing this guy's porn watching habits like what would uh hey you can watch porn but just don't be so loud about it that's good

and then murphy would be like uh what do you sorry uh you just walked up to an elf and that's what you're that's what you're saying sorry murph This guy wrote into my other podcast, not Hardwin's podcast, not my podcast, you know, Jake's podcast. Excuse me. Sorry, Dublin. Why am I being dragged offstage? Oh, come on. For breaking the fourth wall. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Let us know how it goes, and let me know if you end up meeting this, I want to say, power couple at this point. Yeah. for sure. All right, let's take a break. Thank some sponsors. Come back and answer more questions on the other side of these massages. Peace.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly.

And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

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Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we have returned. No unsolicited advice this week because we're so burnt out from our company trip to Arizona. We all went to Scottsdale and met each other for the first time.

And you would call that being burnt out from it? That feels like a negative connotation to take away. I am sunburnt and sore from the week slash weekend that we did. You were from Tuesday to Friday. Right. So I guess burnt out maybe makes sense, but I feel like I'm energized. I'm enthusiastic. I'm excited for the future.

The team is good. The team is great. Everybody was nasty to me, and you didn't really defend me on the days. I think you ended up arriving with a bad attitude. Having had, yeah. Having had way too many martinis on the flight. You were absolutely blackout drunk. I had to fly myself in. Yeah. Having had way too many martinis on the flight, you were absolutely blackout drunk. I had to fly myself in.

Yeah. And you were so drunk that you couldn't do the company happy hour, which was a company sanctioned time to consume alcohol. Yeah. A sad hour. That's what I called it for me. Mm-hmm. That's what I called it for me. Yeah, but we basically have hired so many people during the pandemic at HeadGum that by the time our first company off-site happened last week in Arizona, we were meeting people that we were working with for the first time in years. Yeah, it was a handful of people. It was their second day. Right.

So it's like we just hired you virtually and now i'm meeting you for the first time and this is your first day on a friday golf yeah monday is the first day tuesday they fly to arizona and are just on vacation with us for a few days yes um did you enjoy the top golf because i had never played it before but i was intrigued by it yeah i guess i feel the same way that i did do about bowling with top golf it's kind of fun for a couple frames it's it's fun for a game but then when you play for three hours by the end i didn't care when it was my turn or not you know in the beginning you're just kind of eagerly waiting, like, I want to hit the balls. Three hours later, somebody would be like,

Jake, it's your turn. And I was just down getting food or talking to somebody. Like, oh, okay, I'll come back, hit my five balls or my 10 balls as quick as possible and then leave because my hands were hurting. Yeah, I had a blister for some reason. I will say that there were a few good golfers among us and it did make me want to be like, I want to look like that when I'm, because I had never hit I both know enough about the mechanics of a swing. A couple times we connected.

And when you connect right and it just goes far and straight and everything works, it feels like fucking a hot knife through butter. It's beautiful. Look at that ball so far away. You feel the stroke a tiny little bit, but you mostly just hear it and you just know that it's soaring. It's gone. Then like 90% of the time, I'm just like whacking it, slicing it, like feeling a vibration through my hands. Like, oh, that like didn't feel good.

Or missing it entirely. Yeah. Yeah. That hurts your ego more than your hands so right it shouldn't hurt or i don't think which i it's called i'm never gonna i never say never but it doesn't hold any interest for me i i wouldn't be like oh man i want to get good at golf ideally i'd be able to drive the ball far but that's all i care about i would say i'm intrigued to try like an 18 holes like because, cause it does seem like a nice

way to pass like four outdoor hours. Like there are people who like go on tennis. Right. I'm playing tennis. And if I go to like a place with a good golf course and I just have no idea how to play, which is where I currently am. And putting seems fun too, because of mini golf. Yeah.

Putting probably, at the very least, putting seems like easier to fake it with yeah driving is like a real if you it's a it's a major humbler you it's very evident if you don't know what you're doing mini golf i feel like you can fake it for the most part with uh with driving there was no aim for me i would just swing and sometimes hit it sometimes not sometimes it would go four inches sometimes it would go 200 yards and there's just no way of telling which direction that would go in yeah what did so is that all you got out of the retreat you know whether what else did we do what else did we do oh there was that time i just sort of went on a solo walk um yeah it just down the side of the highway yeah Yeah, that actually did happen.

Our Uber driver blew a tire on the freeway. And so he changed a tire on the freeway, which was incredibly dangerous. But we survived that. Horrifying. But it was cool to actually see everybody. And it makes me wonder when we'll actually be able to do that again. I know. I hope soon. I mean, we'll do another HeadGum live event, though those are usually optional.

I guess this is technically optional. Yeah, maybe do a HeadGum live show, you mean. Yeah, right, yeah. I mean, we had such an incredible turnout. And what did you think of Arizona in general? Are you pro or anti-Zona? You know, I guess ultimately pro but it i'm more of a i like the flora you know i like a little more green space yeah i like some slightly cooler atmosphere i mean it was like

95 and sunny every single day yeah a lot of quite dry quite arid. Very dry. I don't have any issue with Arizona. I don't think Arizona makes my top 10 states that I'd like to live in list, though. Interesting. Well, what nine states would you put above Arizona? If it's New York? New York, Connecticut, California. Three. states would you put above arizona if it's new york new york connecticut california three um washington sorry yeah washington state oregon okay that's five okay um and then let's figure hawaii obviously texas north carolina not texas really not texas um north carolina seven yeah you're running out

of states really fast not running out of states there's 50 of them michigan i don't want to go to illinois michigan actually probably does right above it yeah no not really not really tennessee let's say oh interesting like a memphis nashville style yeah nashville yeah that's um florida would you put florida above arizona i actually might really at least by the beach wow i'm a surfer now um but maybe i'd stick it more more in the northeast and i'd say um maine oh yeah for sure. Maine, Maine over Arizona. Yeah, definitely. You're not afraid of the, the cold,

cold months. No. Um, and there's a couple other ones that would be tough. Did I already say Idaho? Cause Idaho is, no, of course you didn't say Idaho.

Idaho has got the sawtooth mountains. Idaho is cool. It's got some lakes. Yeah. Um, you know know then there's uh montana that would probably be pretty sick but i'm not choosing any of these i'm just saying i'd probably do something cheeky and be like new jersey and i'd live in jersey city which is basically like still living in new york oh yeah that's nice all right so you put arizona in the

11 to 12 range um Probably 11 to 15. You'd have to have it above like the Missouris of the world. Yeah, it'd be above Missouri. I think it'd also be above Michigan ultimately. Really? That's really interesting. Damn, that's cool. Because Sedona is pretty cool and it's got the mountains.

It's got the greens. There are, yeah. Scottsdale is different than the rest of Arizona. I can feel my ats piling up, but don't bother because I won't read them. Scott the Greens. There are. Yeah. Scott still is different than the rest of Arizona. I can feel my ats piling up, but don't bother because I won't read them. But you weren't on Zillow in Arizona like you are in other states. That's correct. That's correct.

And as for me. How would you. I purchased a condo. And a condom. In Phoenix. I actually took out a loan on a condom in phoenix i actually took out a loan on a condom so i paid 40 cents down a home equity line of condom 59 cents over the next 30 years how would you rank our employees we have about 30 people that work for us damn that's a great question so like starting with number 30 you know like bottom of the at the bottom so like starting at jeffrey down there and

going up yeah going up from jeff okay so jeff at the lowest yeah jeff is max garbage yeah um marty i would put 29 29 yeah same pile 28 28 i would put him at 27 oh interesting and michigan at 26 or 28 michigan's at 29 yeah 28 yeah and then who else who else is just like bargain basement shitty down there yeah grim the guy that edits this one. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't even consider our longtime friend. So Grim last. And then Jeff. Grim dead last.

Dead last, yeah. That's Grim. That's good. I can't think of anyone that cracks the top 10. There's no way. Even on a curve, you'd have to put someone

on the top 10 even if they're all bad like you can still rank people i'm just kidding i don't mean to be nasty everybody's actually really good i suck i'm 30 it's you that's bad yeah that makes sense any other takeaways um i thought it was i thought the uh the team building thing we did was pretty fun. I thought it was very humanizing to hear other people talk through. We had basically a corporate coach type thing, which I think- It was like an office therapy session. Yeah. On paper, I would think it would be very lame.

And in practice, I thought it was interesting just to watch other people at the company connect with what the person was saying. And kind of like, you know, she gave all these like prompts, you know, like your visions for the future. What are the things that hold you back? What would you do if you didn't have these things holding you back etc etc and like hearing people's responses i was like oh this is a very you know relatable thing i have so much more in common with everybody that works here than you might think yeah i also heard about like people at different companies going on like their first trips in a while and it was kind of underwhelming for them and they didn't quite love it so it's nice to be at a place where it seemed like everybody was having a good time yeah um highlights i think for me the trail run that i did with uh english

and brad oh interesting that was a lot of fun we got that was just early two people everybody else wasn't there for that um yeah, but it was a highlight. For it to be a highlight, it seems like you're alienating a bunch of people. Yeah, because it's not alienating anybody. I like when we were all together in a way. Really? I'm just old-fashioned like that. I guess I like it when we're all doing shit together. Yeah.

Well, when we were at Topgolf, you were trying to muster up a group of people to go to the casino. I wanted to peel off. And ultimately only you and Cohen left. And we did consider wanting to go. Oh, you didn't actually leave, right? I couldn't leave, yes, because the bus was going to take everyone else back to the hotel. You tried to gather a contingent of casino goers and you were summarily rejected. The night before might have been the

highlight for me that was um five to seven of us sort of going to the talking stick resort shout out to them i ended up getting kind of the shit beaten out of me at one of the the poker rooms because i was caught dealing hangers basically as it were i was going south so pocketing some chips off the table yeah trying to like muck i did a lot of like sort of gray area shit like fake muck my cards to see if i can like get other people to fold face up and then be like oh and i didn't actually muck my cards i want to see like what that person had so i was just like doing a bunch of like kind of weird strategy stuff that doesn't necessarily mean that I was cheating, but it wasn't in good faith slash conscience.

And that was probably a kind. It was a returned in kind and it was a fun night to be there. And the other highlight was the pool area where you guys would spend sort of creating games for people to play, including, are you close enough to a stream or not? So you would sort of blindfold someone on a raft. Yeah, stream or not, where you would blindfold people on a raft. It was proximity or not. Right, are you close enough to the stream or not?

Yeah, so the stream had these like little, or sorry, the pool had these like little fountain stream, these just these tiny little jets that like shot like three feet into the pool. And me, Micah, Dane, Brad, and we were trying to figure out so we made these games

one of them was proximity or not we were on a raft and you would lie down with your eyes closed on the raft and somebody you shut your eyes you'd get spun around move right left and then at the end you had to guess if you were

in proximity to the stream or or nah yeah yeah that game lasted a few rounds because ultimately you couldn't really tell where you were blindfolded right right it was a it was a complete coin toss and um it just wasn't that fun to not be in proximity yeah but we did have we had another very good game i think um wait was it joel that we were also playing with yeah we're this is the one where you're trying to get a can on a raft across the pool that's right and four people who promised not to look would try to knock over the raft can. So you had the can on the raft upright. And the mission was for the person, you had two people.

Eventually we perfected the game because we tried a couple different versions of it. So this is the unsolicited advice for people to play this game that you invented. In their pool. Yeah. We tried the version which was one person has their eyes closed and everybody else needs to get the can across without it flipping, but it was way too easy. We tried two people with their eyes closed and we tried three people with their eyes closed. But ultimately, oh, it was Johnny. Not Joel, Johnny.

But ultimately, if you have anyone with their eyes closed, it's really easy to avoid them. And props to us for actually keeping our eyes closed because we could have cheated. No one did. Of course. The ultimate version of the game was two people with their eyes open on the can, two people with their eyes shut trying to knock the can over, and one coxswain. Yeah, sort of a coach of sorts on the team blind telling the team blind yeah on the knock over the can team but their eyes are open but they're not allowed to touch the can yeah so they're directing the blind people to knock the

can yeah it was funny at a certain point the two blind people were sort of wrestling each other not knowing that the other person's eyes were closed because they thought they were on the other team so that was what i bought yeah that was when i boxed them out yeah and johnny got safely across i actually injured myself yeah because they're not looking yeah yeah i scraped my head against the pool um either dane or brad punched me in the lip. Yeah, that's going to happen. Yeah. But it was great. It was eye-opening. And that's what the offsets are all about. I was living in my joy.

And now you have that memory to go with the name on a Slack channel that we've been playing with. Exactamundo. Okay, good recap. Let's take another break and thank some sponsors. Answer some more questions on the other side of these messages. Mm-hmm. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. All right, we're back. One last question to rule them all. Yes. Let's do it. A 21-year-old male uni student in England.

Okay. Another person who might be coming male uni student in England. Okay. Another person who might be coming to one of your shows. Absolutely. Absolutely. Ron Weasley will be there. Do let me know about the... As a courtesy. As a courtesy, yeah.

As a courtesy. For the past eight... An old curtsy. For the past eight months, I've been dating this absolute ten-pence piece. Nice. She's intelligent, beautiful, and witty. And put my fuckboy days to rest. Good, good.

Except one thing. I'm increasingly having dreams that involve sleeping with random people, not her. And in a couple of them, she finds out. Now, I'd say this is obviously harmless on the surface, but it leaves me with a prolonged sense of guilt. Is there something wrong? Am I just not prepared for monogamy? Does this happen to you too? Tadon sees the cheese.

I think your dreams are the one place where this is allowed. Oh. You're saying you shouldn't fess up to it. Definitely don't fess up. Definitely don't fess up definitely don't fess up you can't control that and i don't think you should even hang on to guilt around it wow if anything maybe you're getting it out of your system in your dreams so it doesn't come to bear irl yeah you're having wet dreams so that your days stay dry yeah wet dreams dry days

that's actually get your guitar because i really did just think of a song called that really really because i was actually thinking of that as merch we haven't made like new merch since um general cleanliness that's true that's been a minute and wet dreams dry days that's good help me go my merry ways it's gotta be it's gotta Wet dreams, dry days. Jerking off with mayonnaise. There it is. Using lube that's also Hellman's for my wet dreams and dry day-mans. Matt Damon's. There you go.

You really brought it home. So you think this guy is is okay or okay should he apologize no way yeah he's been he's been cheating in the most subconscious way in a way that is showing you your truest self not even your deepest desires right. So fucking deep, you can't even access them when you're awake. Yeah, I mean, dreams can be anything. Sometimes I have a dream where there's an armadillo, and he's my father, and he's talking to me. It doesn't necessarily mean.

Actually, we should unpack that, because your father has a protective shell around him. Is that what you mean by that? That you can't get through the armadillo. It's like an armored vehicle for emotions. And I'm like dressed in my mom's dress that she wore to my bar mitzvah. But I'm sure it doesn't mean anything. Absolutely.

Probably not. And in so doing, I'm sort of stabbing my brothers and stepping on my mother on the way to my father right so i guess you're the one person your dreams you should feel guilty about your dreams you're murdering your family and you're wearing your your mother's bat mitzvah bar mitzvah dress and did i mention my grind guard doesn't fit oh you didn't mention it but i assumed no that was sort of separate from the dreams i'm just having an orthodontic issue i think my bite is changing or some shit like that and i can't that's fascinating is this real that's true no that's not true i wear my grind guard too

often for my teeth to change come on i see that's all i do totally you will never cash me not grinding how about that people have told me that i need a grind guard but i'm not gonna do it i will not i can't at first it was a little hard but now i i can't even fucking nap without the grind because the grind is real and it's 24 7 i don't want to i don't want to rely on the grind that's exactly what i want to avoid i'd rather grind my teeth into tiny little nubs than to get another device in my life. Oh, because that might really hurt the enamel. Doesn't matter.

I'll get fucking dentures. I'm just waiting for the day. That's a device. Oh, that's a device. Oh, that's a device. Yeah. I'll get veneers then. Those are kind of stuck in there. Yeah, I guess you want fake teeth. I'll get my teeth filed down's a device. Oh, that's a device. Yeah. I'll get veneers then. Those are kind of stuck in there.

Yeah, I guess you want fake teeth. I'll have my teeth filed down to a point. Do you have an eye mask? I have an eye mask. It's the same thing. I have an eye mask, but I'm weaning myself off of it. Really? Yeah.

You don't want to rely on it? No. I use it about half the time now. Just one eye. Like a pirate patch to sleep. All the time, but half the face imagine having being on a plane you got the mask and then the eye patch i've seen it oh i have seen it then the beanie i've done it i have three things that are covering all different parts

of your head i'll go face hat eye mask mask scarf yeah you're just fully enclosed yeah and then shirtless with underwear dick hanging out of the side one song sandals yeah wet dreams dry days dry days days all right that's our next that's our next fucking um request single yeah request for theme songs cool these fans are more talented than us um so yeah don't worry about your dreams there that's right it can't be you shouldn't fess up to it enjoy it while it's happening um and get it out of your system in a subconscious fashion. Indeed. Wet dreams, dry days. All right.

For that theme song submission or any questions you may have, send them on down to ifireashow at gmail.com, please. Damn right. Damn right. And let's hear that Whitney Houston from Sean,

the Hardy Boys podcast host. And we will always love you. Thanks for listening. For more of us, oh, our Patreon too, patreon.com. We're watching old episodes of Jake and Amir down memory lane, coming up with anecdote

stories that we may have forgotten at full episodes that we don't remember that's correct some of them make us laugh some of them make us cry some of them make us ashamed to be in this business see if you can guess which one is which yeah uh and we'll be back of course next week goodbye everybody deuces golden minds free advice Deuces. So break up, tell the truth, and above all, you do you and seize the cheese. If I, if I were you If I were you That was a Hiddem Original. episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them.

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