Segments - 542: Tiny Dab

Episode Date: May 30, 2022

In this episode we discuss broken dishwashers, broken hearts, and Jake's European vacation. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Welcome back to the only podcast Hosted by us, it's Amir and Jake If I were you, oh, if I were you, oh If I were you, oh You know what I'd do You know what I'd do If I were you, oh If I were you, oh Come out and listen to your favorite juice

We've got the classics The the pinch, the Game Boy So many others and even more to make Amir, I'm sorry, I know you hate it I just can't deny another golden mic for Jake If I were you, oh, if I were you, oh You'd know what I'd do, you'd know what I'd do If I were you, oh, if I were you oh you know what i do you know what i do if i were you oh if i were you oh come on and listen to your favorite shoes Very nice. You like that?

Yeah, I loved it. Why do you ask? Not my cup of tea, but I'm glad you found it nice what was that what'd you say very nice i said it it said it was very nice and it's not your cup of tea why why because you didn't like the message you're so petty that's so small you're minuscule today not really i feel yes really i feel blue if that's what you mean yeah you're depressed you let the song get to you yes you can't rise above that no no way because the haters are out to get me and it feels like that is the case you listen to the haters i actually i listen to my haters as well oh that's really cool um i guess we both listen to our haters but i let it fuel me i let it energize me i don't let it beat me down

the way it does to you you let them win i rise above yeah like when i hear haters i'm like i take it to heart because i think that they're correct and it's sort of right yeah it's a slice kind of like it confirms it confirms something that you suspected which is you are lesser than yeah and if the haters and i are on the same side that's so yeah i see eye to eye with my haters. And see, with my haters, I agree to disagree. Interesting. With your haters, you agree to agree that you are bad to a certain degree. That was Phil Angel.

Cool name. Yeah. And he is my angel. My darling angel. It was written to be played at the beginning rather than the end. Well, good luck. It's going to be played at the beginning rather than the end. Well, good luck. It's going to be played at both. And if you can please give a shout out to my boy, Johnny Ottawa, who wrote a theme song for episode 199.

Very good. So Phil Angel, cool name, and wants to give a shout out to Johnny Ottawa, another cool name. Yeah, Johnny Ottawa. That's very cool. It's like Johnny Bravo, but Canadian. Yeah. Did you know that Ottawa was the capital of Canada? Yeah.

That's actually not true. I wanted to set you up because I know that you sort of take pride in your geography skills. So what I did was sort of... Take pride in my American geography. And not just, yeah, not just my North American geography, just my United States capitals, okay? And sorry, so you said Ottawa is not the capital of Canada? Well, it actually, I was going to do like a double, yeah,

like a double reverse because it actually was. But I was able to convince you. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you did convince me. I was, because it actually was. But I was able to convince you. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you did convince me. I was, yeah, it was definitely. You looked it up. I let that get to me.

I didn't look it up. I did not look it up. I did not look it up. Run the tape back. Anyone watching at home, did you see my fingers? No, you did not. Yeah, because you were typing away. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

He didn't hear any clicks. You might have seen some mouse movements because I was dealing with some other shit that came up on my desktop. Property taxes are overdue. There's a lien on my house. I'm getting fucking repoed. So sorry if I didn't look up the capital of Ottawa. I have more important shit going on. The last podcast we recorded together was weeks ago.

It was like hours before your flight to Europe. Then you went to Europe. Hours before. You did shows. You did a bike trip, full vacation. You landed last night, and it's right back into a podcast right back in bookend yeah you're a completely different person now from the last episode yeah that's true i actually i have a different world view for sure in the last episode

somebody said that my boyfriend watches too much porn, but will be at your Scotland show. Did you? Oh. Did you see those people at your Scotland show? Maybe it was Dublin. I did see one. Yeah, I saw one phone in the audience with just kind of lighting up a face, and I could tell the guy was beating off. So I feel like it was that guy.

He was having a cheeky in the fifth row. Yeah, he was having a cheeky wink. In the Dublin show. A cheeky fap. Yeah. he was having a cheeky wink. In the Dublin show. A cheeky fap. Yeah. I didn't necessarily see those people. And if I did, it didn't come up. Got it.

And there was no like meet and greet situation after these shows? There wasn't an official meet and greet because of the whole COVID thing. And, you know, in an ideal world, we don't meet someone in Dublin and then bring a new COVID variant to Edinburgh. So yeah, that didn't happen.

But I will say we met some fans outside of the show, people that wait around by the doors or whatever, will often take some selfies, do a little impromptu, non-official meet and greet. I wish I would have known. Were you at one of the shows? I went to the... I thought I saw you in an old cop cosplaying.

Yeah. I did the Dublin show. You were in Manchester, right? Yeah, Manchester. That's what I meant. Well, I did Manchester and then I did the Dublin show. You did the Deadeye. Yeah, you did the Deadeye cosplay in Dublin.

I remember that. i thought we locked and then yeah we made eye contact and i texted you after the show and then i was like oh you did text me you phased me from the audience yeah yeah and if you want to have a cheeky pint and should you go come to london right and i never heard back so then i did the dublin show i was was one train behind you guys. Yeah. I paid top dollar on Ticketmaster.com. And then I went to that show too. I saw you with the luggage. I tried to, I told the security guy that I was sort of back there.

You said you were our tour manager. I heard them, there was a scuffle outside of our room. I didn't realize it was you. I heard somebody i'm the manager i'm the manager let me back there uh but yeah that must have been you yeah so that was yeah that was it was such a rad show dude and uh i did actually get coveted and i brought it to the i know you said you were afraid to bring in the variant so i ended up doing that i infected a few people i went like the pied piper style from show to show um yeah which i thought was like sort of like instead of merch you can get like yeah yeah b8.1.2 a pint of the antibodies for you uh killian zyra show macron variant remember that from when uh we used to go to europe together that was so fucking sick i yeah no i don't even remember um our tours

this kind of like pushed out those bad memories and it felt like it's going ahead with good times europe tours are kind of whack. Yeah, they were with you. They were with you because I remember we went to like... Ah, whack. Yeah, we went to London and we did like 10 shows in five days and I stayed in a hostel. So it was definitely a different vibe this time. We traveled well. Did you have this time. We traveled well. Did you have the scoop?

We ate well. I didn't have a broken foot. So yeah. So thankfully I didn't piss myself and have Mike Carnell need to carry my scooter up the stairs while I stood underneath a hand dryer before checking back into my hostel. Why didn't you stay in a hostel that europe trip i didn't have any money

i had no cash i was broke i remember streeter making fun of me because we had sold out every single show he's like you're the only person that's ever been on a 10 like a 10 show sold out tour and needed to stay in a hostel and it's probably true and you know what they say like those fucking broke days staying in a hostel two shots a night you wouldn't fucking trade that into this this for this tour where you like have the money and you're making yeah where i stayed in a hoxton instead of a hostel you'd fucking you take that you take that fucking hostel nine times out of ten i bet because that was fucking rock and. You had a broken foot and a fucking great attitude, and you would have sucked at taking that trip. Just, you would fucking prefer that to what you just did, I bet.

Well, the foot, I would probably... No, I think every aspect of this tour was better, because I didn't have the broken foot you know that tour was also two shows a night to 100 people and it was which was like run drop ultimately the same amount as like one of one mad pod show so it's kind of like one and done everything felt high energy excellent i will say the people verse in that run, that first tour, just like being around you, like this tour was better than that. Just for like the personnel. Streeter's awesome and it's no shade on Streeter. No shade on either of us at this point.

But yeah, it felt better to be on tour with these other chums. These other chums. These other chums. Aye. Right, governor? Sorry, that's an inside joke from the tour. I would have loved it. I would have loved to have that. Yeah.

You and I might do a show that looked like one came up while I was abroad. St. Louis. We're going to perform to 28 people in a school auditorium in Missouri. Wash U. I don't think it's quite St. Louis. Yeah, it's outside. Yeah, it's technically Missoula, Missouri, which is a pretty obscure town. 49 miles due northeast of southeast Missouri State. And weren't we going to go to Fort Smith, Arkansas?

We were. I thought we had a show for eight in a laugh factory in Arkansas. We didn't end up selling a ticket, so they punted on it and gave us our kill fee. Our kill fee, which our agent took in his cancellation letter for us. Negotiating a high kill fee and having that be how we make cash from the tour is so funny. I made most of my money on kill fees early on, so I would sort of convince. They need to not have us yeah ultimately and

they'll pay the fee exactly uh all right this is if i were you the only advice pod on the web hosted by me i'm amir and me i'm jake um any high and or low lights um from the trip or it was all just one general good nothing to specifically state there really was i mean there i feel like there were a lot of a lot of highs a lot of highs um but was there a hilarious low did you step on a mouse or something like that um our venue in manchester was com comically poorly manned. We're actually really just one poor man. Oh, wow.

You don't mind calling that person out just because it was that bad. I texted Andrew, who's our touring agent, and I said, we will never do another show at Manchester Academy again. It was Chester, right? The Manchester who ran the Manchester Theater. That's right. That Manchester. It was, we were told to get there an hour earlier than we wanted to show up for soundcheck. We would like to do it like half hour before the doors. They told us to get there an hour before. and we got there to do sound check we were

greeted by the venue manager and i never saw him again we went out to the stage no mics were set up not like there was nothing to do sound check on uh-huh um we went up to the green room they didn't have like uh there was kind of like three sad sandwiches out there. For the four of you to split. Not really anything. Yeah. Right. So I'm like, okay, so we need to order dinner.

I let them know at the door that I was going to have to Uber eat something because nobody came. Fishy chips. Yeah. I was trying to get some cheeky fishy chips, actually. That's good. I mean, really, the big thing was just that, like, nobody spoke to us. Nobody communicated with us. We went down to the venue and we're like, what time are the doors?

What time is the show? Nobody knew. They're like, oh, is the show at 7.30 or 8? We're like, we're asking you guys. Like, what do you think? Because we're trying to do sound check now. And you have to open the doors soon, right? They're like, are the doors at 7?

We're like, we don't know. But the biggest thing was just that at 7.30, which was according to the website when Showtime was, no one came up to the green room to get us. We were just waiting. We didn't know when to start the show. Nobody spoke to us. It's like nearing eight. We're like, what is going on? We're looking for people no one is there eventually i ran into the sound guy in the hallway um and i was like are what's the are we starting the show he's like oh you guys ready and we're like yes yes we're ready no one's fucking talking to us so if you didn't say anything almost 25 yeah it would have lasted till 11 p.m nobody doing anything yeah we started the show

25 minutes late and it was only because no one told us where to go or when to be um it felt yeah and then after the show i didn't speak to a single person it was crazy maybe they're like it was my theory is that they're used to doing musicians and then like, oh, is this where the podcast is tonight? And he was like, show's canceled. And the more I stayed in that venue, the more I think that they actually all thought the show was canceled. Sorry, I wasn't being sarcastic. I literally thought the show was canceled.

I thought the show was canceled. Yeah, so that was kind of the biggest low point. And then also the bike ride that me and Micah and our buddy Andy did. Yeah, which was like several hundred miles. No, it was only 100. But there was one day where we did 50 miles, basically one 50-mile mile day that was like the big ride we did a loop called apple cross and 50 miles is you know long but it it was like the elevation it was 5 000 feet of elevation um during an actual ride Yeah, throughout the ride. But the thing was the first six miles are like 3,000 of those feet. So it's just like you start and you basically just start going straight up.

And there were like several times in that ride in the first 10 miles where I was like, I don't know if I can physically do this. I'm like, I'm absolutely at my limit. Just like pedaling, pedaling, pedaling. So slow. Legs burning. Why don't you get off and walk up is that an option it's an option yeah but it's like considered it wouldn't feel good I honestly in that ride I wouldn't even call it cheating I didn't do it because it would have been cheating yeah like it's still walking your bike up those hills is also really hard and it's punishing but like I only wanted to ride it because I thought it'd be over faster.

But several times, you know, just like pulling my legs are about to give up. I need to pull over to the side of the road at the same time as I'm unclipping on like an 8% grade about to fall over. I almost ate shit so many times. Were you frustrated and annoyed or were you just like, this is, Oh, well, I was like,

this is the hardest thing I've ever done and it's not over. And I don't know if I can do it, but I, and I kept on being like, if I can finish this, it'll be the hardest thing I've ever done. And I want to be able to say that. Yeah.

But then at the same time, I was like, it's still not over. And I don't know when it's going to be over. And every time I turn, like every time we would like round a corner, cause they're all like switchbacks. So every time I would like turn,

I'd be like, Oh, this has to be the last hill. This is the top. And it would just be like three more of those. And, um, and we,

the, the town on the other side of this, like first 3000 feet, then you go down other side of this, like first 3000 feet, then you go down a bunch of Hills and there's like a, a cute little town where you can get, um, a little pie, some fish and chips.

That's a good point. Yeah. Um, and there was a sign that said Apple cross in open every day. And then below that closed Tuesdays. And our whole plan was to eat there and we had three protein bars a snickers and a bunch of gummy bears and that was and that place was closed so we just like ate the protein bars and we're like, okay, 40 more miles. And then we had...

All right, all that's left is most of them. And the last 10 miles, it started pouring rain. The rain had held off the whole entire time. But the last 10 miles, it was raining. We were wet. We were miserable. But that also made it a huge highlight when uh when we finished right and then how well did you sleep that night knowing that you were just physically exhausted from bike riding

for 10 hours in a row um that night that was an incredible an incredible night's sleep we like went to our airbnb took showers we went went and got so much food because we basically skipped lunch and rode 50 miles. You must have burned 5,000 calories. Yeah. We all got our own entrees and then split two other entrees and had appetizers.

And we drank like two Guinness each. It was great. That felt great. Did you get drunk faster because you hadn't eaten all day? Yeah. Actually, I think that night the first thing I had was an IPA and it got me

twisted for sure. When you woke up the next day you had to bike ride more or was that the finale? That next day we had to bike ride more or was that the finale that next day we we actually did something there are these this place shout out to sky adventure i think it's called sky adventure let me look it up because it also could be adventure sky um hold on sorry yeah sky adventure okay uh we met these people in the isle of sky which, which is in like the Western Islands in Scotland. And they do like rock climbing, trail running, camping, a whole bunch of like outdoor activities. And they do this one thing called coasteering, which is, did I, I'll show you a picture of it co-steering yeah coast like c-o-a-s-t-e-e-r-i-n-g co-steering um and they took us out and uh i see people jumping off cliffs into water

yeah i'm holding up my phone to the screen so you can see. That's you jumping off a cliff into water? No, that's what we did, but we were just wearing wetsuits, and we were out in the water, so we didn't have our phones. I'm kind of sad that I didn't have any photos, but basically you swim out into the ocean, you climb up all these little rock outcroppings, and swim out into the ocean, you climb up all these little like rock outcroppings and just jump into the water.

We like walked through a cave. It was incredible. It was such a unique way to see the sky. And then we made friends with the people and they opened a rock climbing gym and we went and climbed there on like Thursday. But anyway, Wednesday was like supposed to be our rest day, but we ended up going co-steering.

It was just climbing and jumping and swimming. Yeah, weren't your legs like dead sore by then? Yeah, my legs were, that next day I was like, I wouldn't be able to get on a bike. I don't know what my body would do. But then on Thursday after that day of swimming, I was totally ready to go. We did like a 30 mile ride and I could have kept on going.

I guess it was flat. It was no incline. There was, that ride was like maybe 1300 feet of elevation or something. So not crazy. Like usually when I ride in the city, it'll be like 1200 feet of elevation. Yeah. 5,000 is a mile. You're going a mile up vertical in addition to the mile forward.

You don't want to also go a mile up. That's really high. It was, it was very, very high. And it was actually like, it was just as scary coming down. Cause it was so steep.

Yeah. And you get so much speed that I basically need to be like riding the brakes, but the hills are so steep that it felt like I was going to like pitch forward. Right. Like you couldn't turn. Oh, my tire, my tire came off. Oh. On, on the uphill.

It, like the, it, yeah, it was, the bolt was loose or something. I should have checked it, but it is on the bike shop ultimately, I think. And as you were struggling to go up, your tire fell off. Yeah, I like pulled hard on the handlebars and I just like felt the bike wobble. Damn, this hill must be really steep. I'm about to tilt backwards and I pulled up again and I just saw that the wheel is like coming out of the well and it like bent to the side. And I kind of slammed into the rail and I kind of just barely was able to clip out before I fell over and ate shit.

You know what? But you're here now. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, it was a great trip. A really great trip. Great way to see a fucking place.

Tell you what is to coast around. Oh yeah. Biking. Yeah. Both of those things. Um, all right, let's take a break.

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then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lot of money. Price and participation may vary. For a limited time only. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little sooner than I can. Mom, I'm coming. Gross.

Yes. Yes, I do, dude. I want everyone to see the movie my wife produced. Holy shit. I had no idea idea i would have auditioned it's a yeah it's like a it's a gay rom-com uh based on pride and prejudice was she in charge that on fire of those kinds of decisions yeah i mean she looked at casting tape i would have been able to get straight to callback. It's like a queer cast. So I feel like you're kind of like a... I would have gone straight to chemistry read.

I would have gone straight to producer meetings. And it's me and Vogel in the room. And I'm just showing her my take on a character. There's no way I don't book the lead. If not the lead, then the third on the call sheet. No, you're not going to book... The lead wrote the movie. Joel Kaboista wrote the film

yeah damn yeah respect i've always wanted to sort of you actually don't have any respect for anything because you have no respect oh i have a movie idea yeah the first thing you fucking said when you heard about the movie was that you should have been cast that you should have auditioned and that you could have been the lead. You would have known this stuff if you had asked. Jill on the horn and see if it's way, way, way too late to do reshoots with me. Of course it's way too late. I'm trying to promote the premiere of it. They can't do reshoots.

Not until Friday, right? Yeah, but there's, I mean, do you think that Fox Searchlight is going to want to see? She'll horn my ass into this all-star cast right i don't it feels like you don't have the pov of a gay asian man that they are looking for right and that's their words or my or yours they're no one's words I feel like this is my dead eyes moment. They're my words. You just found out about the movie. I just found out about dead eyes.

Check it out. It's called Fire Island. It's premiering on Hulu on Friday, June 3rd, folks. The reviews are in. Variety loves it. Hollywood Reporter loves it. So, yeah. Check it out.

It's legit. And if you guys, if everyone watches it and gives good reviews, then my wife will be happy. And maybe she'll take me back. Happy wife, happy life for jake yeah i do think she's happy with her new guy but still ideally she's happy with me with her new guy she has a side piece that turned into her main chick and and actually even she has a side piece from the main thing so i'm kind of too removed if you can freaking imagine damn there's tucker there's travis and little old me i'm chopped liver speaking of that's what i might have for dinner why that's so like liver

that's gotta be a new thing for you i've never seen you have that it's like a scottish thing you picked up or something that's correct did you pick up any weird scotland things like sometimes you go to australia and you're like this is how i like my coffee now or like i go to scotland you're like oh yeah i had caviar and i'm gonna get it in new york i'm not a scotland thing uh more of the thing that i picked up in Ireland, but then I carried it through the rest of the trip was drinking Guinness. I think I've maybe had one Guinness in my whole life before this trip.

And I would have like one to two every night while we're on the cycling trip. And it was great. It was just so smooth. So easy to drink. I don't know that it has healing properties, but it felt like it did i would like crave it at the end of the day now you can get one in america and be like it's not

the same i i had these in dublin and it just drinks different yeah it's different it's so different i got into scotch a little bit actually i never thought i was i was definitely always more of a bourbon guy but that's where it's from right scotch means scottish whiskey it's maybe i don't know what it means it's it's yeah it is scottish it's i think that's what it is i want to say that's what makes it scotch right that sounds it sounds about right it definitely sounds about right. It definitely sounds about right. I mean, I didn't take a tour of a distillery or anything. It sounds like you're saying Scottish super fast. Scotch. Scotch.

And they spell whiskey without the E, which is kind of cool. That's really cool, actually. And that's only if it's Scotch whiskey or even Irish whiskey has no E in it. I don't know. But I drank one. It was called Le Deg, and it was good. It was very good. I think I like the smoky.

And I like the peaty now. The what? The peatiness. The peatiness. What is that? I think it's something from how they make it. Peat. Yeah.

It's like peat moss. Peat moss? It's kind of like a grassy. Yeah. I went to high school with that kid. He's a pe like a grassy. Yeah. I went to high school with that kid. He's a nobody. There's no way this is part of his fucking culture slash legacy now. Yeah.

Probably not. Probably not. Probably coincidence. Huge coincidence. Yeah. He does nothing to do with how, like the flavor profile of an entire liquor from the 17th century till now i'm saying yeah we agree on that point oh we actually got a question uh about eating food and stuff from the

uk so this is actually a good transition amazing yeah uh this guy who will call i don't know pete moss writes seven years ago i got, I got with my childhood sweetheart, and it's been mostly great. She's the love of my life, but we constantly argue over housework. Right. I cook delicious meals for us both every evening and do all the cleaning too since her job is very tiring and stressful. The problem is she will eat most of her meal

and then leave a plate on the couch or the floor or wherever she decides i have found plates of food in the bathroom before she sometimes even eats half of the meal i serve her then orders pizza leaving both on the carpet i ask her to clean up food every day and as keeping a clean home is important to me but she just says we have different ways of doing things i've also tried not cleaning up after her and she just leaves the food out to go bad or she'll hide the plates in the cupboard or the oven when she runs out of plates she buys more instead of washing them should i keep nagging her or continue putting a strain on the relationship or should i just live out a disgusting home and be happier

please help love pete moss uh let's go option three live in this disgusting home and be happier right um yeah i don't know if you can do that continue living in filth and garbage and pizza on the ground be happy that's the key so he said i'm afraid he won't be able to be happy because he seems to like nailed another one hurwitz figured it out. Change nothing but your attitude and be happy. This is you as a therapist. I really think I should be on antidepressants. We don't have to work through anything. Their solution is be happy.

How dope is that? Insane. And when you step on a fucking half-eaten chicken that she ordered after not eating your food on the ground and she left in the bathroom. And you open up your medicine cabinet and a thousand plates just come pouring out of the wall because she won't clean. And she just buys more and more. When you're living in a plate house, you just be happy. You can be happy you can be happy i think the minimal amount of um work that you need to do as a roommate that doesn't care about this kind of stuff is like at least put the dishes

in the sink you got to at least put them in the sink you don't even have to wash them and then put them away you just got to at least help me help you put them in the sink and then I'll get to them later. It doesn't, it's not coming from a fair starting point. Because you're saying you should clean your dishes and she's saying I should be able to leave them on the floor. The floor. And then like meeting halfway is like put them on the counter at least or something. But that's not even right either. I think this is

this is a bridge too far i think it's a non-starter slash starter yeah you can't if you cook i think the other person should do the dishes if they've had a very stressful day then you you know you can tag team the dishes ideally everything is just kind of like a shared responsibility. There's not any like you owe this, I owe this, I did this, so you must do this. But not everybody can live that copacetically. I do think that if you've expressed your point that the dishes shouldn't be on the floor. You got to get them off the floor. Yeah, they shouldn't be on the floor. They should not be on the floor. How are they even getting off the floor yeah they shouldn't be on the floor they should not be on the floor

how are they even getting to the floor that means she's eating off the table and then she's putting them on the floor man I don't know what to tell you there's no way she's eating it off the floor she's eating on the couch plate on her knees and then she says alright I'm done here plate goes on the floor

there's a couple different the floor she goes out of her way to Plate goes on the floor. There's a couple of different. The floor. She goes out of her way to put it on the floor. She would just leave it on the table. The really fucked up thing you could do is just like next time you're out with your friends, you're like, oh, hey, well, help us settle an argument. Do you think Connie should do her dishes after I cook or should she leave them on the floor? Because the last one was face down on the floor.

Settle a bet for us. If I cook, should she leave the dishes on the floor or do something different? What would you say? And this guy's just absolutely caked in garbage being like, oh, I don't really care. Like sort of scratching lice out of his head. He has Stockholm syndrome or something. You're living in an untenable situation and you're kind of allowing her to take a position that is frankly bizarre.

The most fucked up part of the whole email is that sometimes she eats half of the meal and then orders a pizza. I think the most fucked up part is that she hides the plates. She knows that he wants her to do them, but she probably goes to more effort hiding the plates in the oven and the cupboards than just put it in the sink.

Yeah, you gotta at least put it in the sink. At least put it in the sink. I think you can say, well, all right. If you want to not change anything and be happy, I think you just buy paper plates. You need to admit to your – and donate somewhere to offset your carbon footprints because that's a lot of paper products that you're going to be burning through. But she's not going to do the dishes and you want to live with that, that at the very least you need to get a disposable dish that you can just dump. And I don't think that's the best option. I feel like there's something at the root of this, which is that she's really unhappy at work. She's stressed out and upset by her job, right? And that kind of gives you low energy. It makes you not want to do your dishes. It makes you think that nothing is worth doing. I'm not going to put the dish in the sink. I'm

going to put it on the floor because who gives a fuck? So talk to her about work. Figure out what's going on there. I think you can solve that issue, and then there might be some trickle-down effects on her willingness to help. So that's something. Also, if you have a dishwasher if you have a dishwasher i feel

like you can easily just put the dishes in the dishwasher that's yeah almost harder that's easier to do than like you said putting it in the bathroom or in the cupboard or on the floor yeah i guess floor is easiest because you just sort of throw it on the floor right gravity does the heavy lifting there you just throw it and it ends up on the floor second to that i think is the dishwasher being the easiest and then third is hiding it you never want to hide it but you got to find a place for it next time you're cooking you open the oven and it's just like eight dishes you're like that's not that ain't right got a pizza box no a loose pizza slice in the bathroom she's fucking leaving you calling

cards like a cat burglar but instead of stealing things she's just sort of negging your meal by ordering a pizza after yeah that's you think she's bringing up the pizza ordering or it's just like that was really good ding dong oh shit i ordered a pizza oh my god i can't believe this pizza i ordered this last week it just showed up i didn't know you were gonna cook or is it like that wasn't very good do you want to go uh i'm gonna order a pizza i feel like what's your favorite that was that was really good um i'm still hungry i'm gonna order a pizza but it's like if you're still hungry you left half of it it's like yeah i'm really craving pizza right now okay so let's get pizza why don't you

just clear that dish it's on the floor why is that not good enough is it in your way it's on the floor i actually had a dishwasher issue last week where it would start overflowing with suds soap was spilling out of the dishwasher wow and did you solve it well i called the plumber yeah did he solve it yeah he said it's not a plumbing issue you need an appliance guy and did the appliance guy solve it yeah he said you're not supposed to have suds at all i was like it was too many suds it seems like the bubbles shouldn't come out he's like there shouldn't be bubbles i'm like what are you many suds it seems like the bubbles shouldn't come out he's like there shouldn't be bubbles i'm like what are you talking about he's like yeah dish soap doesn't have bubbles it's just uh it's a it's an almost 100 water it's like the frothiness

was like some soap that was left in through something else maybe a pre-rinse or like a damaged thing and you know the pods that you throw in yeah you were putting tide pods in i thought i was fearful of that he's like let me let me see the pods that you throw in i'm like oh shit it's gonna be a fucking laundry deterrent i'm gonna look like a dumbass thankfully it was a cascade but i've been just tossing it in you know uh there's a little door yeah you put it in or i just toss it in i've been tossing it yeah in. There's a little door that you can put in, or I just toss it in. I've been tossing it.

Yeah. But he's like, you should put it in the door. I'm like, what does it matter? You slide it in, the door opens. It's like, I'm doing, I'm fucking, I'm putting it in instead of the door. Because sometimes I would run the dishwasher, you open the door, and it's like, oh, it didn't open.

The door didn't open. The pot is still there. Let me just eliminate that thing. So I'll toss it in yeah you become the door yes well i don't trust this fucking door i'm a dip i'm a better door than this little thing yeah and then i like slide it open and it cuts my finger the door has like i guess it could hear me and have vengeance on me yeah and he's like you shouldn't do that because before the door opens, it rinses the dishes of food. And then the door is timed to open at a specific part of the washing process. Yeah.

And so, like, I basically put it in and it would, like, go to shit with the pre-rinse. Yes. And then when it, like, like opened the door nothing was there yeah i was floored by the door floor by the door yeah did you know that that was the case have you been putting it in the door it barely fits in the door honestly yeah i do always put the door is not big enough. Back me up. I do always put in the door. I'm trying to get a word out. Door wise. You're obsessed with this door. And I really think.

I adore it. God, you become the door and I'll do a podcast with the door. With the pod. So you start working with, yeah. It's a tied podcast. And I the door. With the pod. So you start working with, yeah. It's a Tide podcast. And I the door. Yeah, you and the dishwasher and me and the pod and the door. Do you use the door or do you just toss in?

Yeah, I use the door. But actually my dishwasher has a little cage, so it's not even like it's protecting it. So I'm not entirely sure what the vibe is interesting a cage yeah i wonder if the cage gets opened at a certain part kind of like the door did yeah i guess it probably does yeah he also said to use vegetable oil to kill the foam so we ran the entire dishwasher with like a cup of vegetable oil in there to kill the foam. And then the next time we used the cascade pod, no foam at all.

This guy was a fucking science teacher. That's right. You should see if he could be your roommate. There's no way. John? Yeah. The appliance guy? John the appliance guy.

He's a 51-year-old married Armenian man. He doesn't want to live with me. He might. You didn't even ask him. And he fixed your fucking dishwasher. He has kids. He doesn't want to live with me. He might. You didn't even ask him. And he fixed your fucking dishwasher. He has kids. He has two kids. Free of charge.

Two high schoolers. And a cat and a dog. They're not all moving into my fucking house. I'm not saying all of them would move in. I'm saying him and his wife. And the kids are in high school. They could look after themselves. Obviously, the cat and the dog would have to come because that's a lot of responsibility for two high schoolers poodle a 20 year old poodle so that's it yeah it's not like

it's not gonna take care of i don't know you'd have to live with this guy because obviously i was already fucking looking at him with fuck you eyes she's like it's so cool to have a man in here that actually knows what he's fucking doing and then i'm like did you know you had to put it in the door yeah she was like yeah yes my boyfriend tried to be a door and it's like no it's not adorable no it's not adorkable either that's the worst part i'm just a fucking child to them your appliances are breaking a lot remember you had the the the dryer issue yeah the dryer was an issue the coin stuck in the garbage disposal yeah that was a thing what else i got that's bro do a home ownership podcast

the problem is it only comes up once every like eight to ten months, and then I figure out what was wrong. That's right, yeah. Okay, let's take another break, thank another sponsor, and discuss more door after these words. Nice. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love exactly it's a

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It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive

that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that

is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squ of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Yeah. All right.

One last question. Let's do it. Why not? We're here. 23-year-old male who has a problem. Whoa. Mark Hoppus. Right.

No one likes you when you're 23. Yeah. His issue is that my mom wants me to go to college, and I don't. She's even offered to pay for the entire tuition, even though she doesn't need to. I'm well off on my own. I own a business. I have my own house. And basically everything is great. But my mom still wants me to get a bachelor degree in something. I really do want to make her happy and proud after all. She gave birth to me,

took care of me. And I'm just not interested in that higher education. I think it's a waste of time, money, energy, and especially since I have a job that pays me more than the average graduate. What should I do? Should I just take the loss to make my mom happy? Or should I stand my ground and what I believe in and disappoint her? If you don't have any other alternatives, or if you have any other alternatives, let me know. That would be amazing to keep up the great work. Oh, taking one for the team and going to college for four years to not disappoint your mom feels like a lot, doesn't it? Yeah, it's like going to university slash higher education to own the libs. It's not entirely worth it at that point. And I will say that I went to college to try to out of college for four years in a row at different schools didn't necessarily feel like I was going to college.

Right. And you didn't even have your own business slash house at that point. I was a jackass. They had a better case than this mother does. For sure. So I also I don't think that your mom is going to be it sounds like you're very reasonable i don't think she's necessarily going to be very disappointed if you decide that it's not for you you could you could take some classes as a non-matriculated student oh that's good you

you find something that's like whatever your job is. You find something adjacent like, hey, could I further my career if I got this certificate or if I learned how to use this program? You tell your mom, hey, I'm taking classes at this local school or I'm taking these classes online, yada, yada. So it feels like, oh, your education means something to your mom and that's good. And it can mean something to you, too. It's like, I'm hearing you out. I don't necessarily want to go to Georgia Tech and fucking take geometry because I already have a business slash a house. But how about I get a mortgage and I'll learn French for a little bit. Can we call it even at that point, mother?

I think that's fair and you you know you take the class online you get your mom a hoodie from the school that you're taking the class and you say look at that you're a proud parent of a georgia tech non-matriculated um urban planning student or what if you fucking call her bluff you get into a school that costs sixty thousand dollars a year and you're like i decided i'm gonna take art history this quarter in geology i'm gonna take art history at nyu mom yeah did you pay them the sixty eight thousand dollars i want a meal plan mom yeah i sold my house I need to live off campus the dorms are nasty mom

can I have a studio in the west village oh mom you're making me angry I need to be rich in New York mom mom the Ikea collection mom I need a bed frame Rich in New York, mom. Mom, the Ikea collection.

Mom, I need a bed frame. Mom, I need a dresser, mom. You need a mom dresser? What? I need a mom cupboard, mom. So there's that option too. Yeah yeah so you could do that too yeah and then you you don't even necessarily need the money you could be like give me the 68 000 i'll spend it i'll do the tuition i'll get perfect degree yeah i'll double your money mom yeah i mean it's always interesting when athletes are like like steph curry went back

and like got a degree from davidson it's like yeah that's pretty respectful but at the same time you probably didn't need to do it right i mean you're not gonna fall back on that communication it's cool to it's good to educate yourself if that's what you want but i would never you just should never do anything just to not make someone else disappointed, even if they're your parents. Cause I think ultimately the parents want you to be happy and, um, you know, she might, it'll be a momentary disappointment. She might not understand it cause you're 23 and you have a business and she, you know, thinking decades ahead for you but

my parents were upset when i dropped out of college and now they don't really question it so you have a long time to prove that it was right decision are you ever regretful that you don't have a college degree do you ever wish you had a diploma from college or it never comes up sometimes it's just fun to have like a connection or like a a story you know it'd be like oh like it's part of my personality that i went to sometimes i just like think of schools and i'm like oh that seems like it would have been you know something that'd be fun to have as part of my brand that i went to uvm or something but yeah no you can root for a school.

Yeah. I definitely don't miss any of the, I don't, yeah, there's nothing that I miss like education-wise. And it was good not to have any student debt. I didn't owe anyone tens of, like my brother's still paying off his student debt. My sisters are too. I don't owe anyone tens of thousands of dollars so that's kind of tight are you the only of six children the only one without a college degree that is correct damn yeah my parents are ivy league educated all my siblings went to good colleges i'm kind of of the jackass, dumbass, loser, dropout, black sheep, non-good son, kid in the family.

Malm. Malm. You're sort of a jackass of all trades and a master of fun. Good. Very good. Will you pay my credit card bill this evening? Mom. Mom.

Mom. All right. We're back, baby. Although, as far as the listeners are concerned, we never really missed a week slash went anywhere. No such thing as vacation. Not when it comes to podcasting, baby. It is weird that we haven't really skipped a week slash went anywhere but no such thing as vacation not when it comes to podcasting baby it is weird that we haven't really like skipped a week like shouldn't we just take a month off a sabbatical every nine years we've done yeah one podcast or one episode of jake

demure for decades now yeah ideally it's like oh i'm gonna go away for status it's like i'm going away for two weeks so we better record three times this week. You know, fuck that. I was like, I'm going away for two weeks. Fuck off. You know, I'll see you when I'm back. And then we'll lose our sponsors. The ads won't come in. We won't have cash.

The business will crumble. And we'll lose everything we ever worked for. Decades of our lives building to this one moment that if I just miss a week, then it all comes crashing down. And for that reason, I'm back in. Wow. What an adventure. We can never stop or we'll die. We're like the bus from speed.

Yeah. Or me on the Apple cross. Okay. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week uh we need your questions we need your theme songs we're finally running low after nine years so if you're sitting on a theme song idea now's the time to record it and send it in we probably will use it damn right and that email address for everything is ifireashowatgmail.com. Yeah. Opening theme song, same as the closing theme song, which was Phil Angel.

I'll never forget his name. Voice of a Phil Angel. And if you still want more of us, we're making videos on our Patreon, patreon.com. So shout out to everyone that's supporting us there. Shout out to everyone that's still listening to us after all these beers. And we'll see you next Monday.

What do you think about that? What I just did. Tiny dab. Let's see. So it's like the dab is this, but then you got tiny dab. Tiny dab. Do, do, do, do, do, do. Tiny dab. Do, dab, do, do do do tiny dab do dab do do tiny dab yeah it's pretty good i'm gonna start doing that i think it seems like oh it seems like you just have a headache or something

it should go over your eyes it should really go over your eyes you're just like what's that uh thing oh what's that um boom boom yeah it's really it's kind of addicting it's pretty sick everyone's yeah well if i i guess that's a good um reminder that you can watch these episodes as well we have our own youtube channels for the show if i read your show subscribe to this one scrub to the end see the tiny dab and uh what do you think of tiny dab for the name of this episode sort of a so you're listening the whole episode and you have no idea where it's coming why yeah let's see if tiny dab is available it's available it is a dot com yeah tiny dab dot com It is an available tinydab.com Tiny It's a small

a little smaller than that. Tiny. Don't just do a small one. No. Don't do tiny. Do a fucking really tiny. Microscopic. small one. No. Don't do a tiny. Do a fucking really tiny. Microscopic. A little.

Yeah. Yeah. Shout out to the tiny dab. Tiny dab nation. See you next week. Later. Later. It's a Monday, we finally made it I can't believe I get to hear them say

Welcome back to the only podcast Hosted by us, it's Amir and Jake If I were you, oh Jake If I were you, oh If I were you, oh You know what I'd do You know what I'd do If I were you, oh If I were you, oh

Come out and listen to your favorite juice We've got the classics, the pinch, the Game Boy So many others and even more to make Amir, I'm sorry, I know you hate it I just can't deny another golden mic for Jake If I were you, oh, if I were you, oh You'd know what I'd do, oh You know what I'd do, you know what I'd do If I were you, oh, if I were you, oh Come on and listen to your favorite shoes that was a hit gum original

hey i'm jake johnson host of the podcast we're to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got,

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