Segments - 545: WHIMSY (w/Geoffrey James!)

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

In this episode we discuss jealousy, Only Fans, and musical theater. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm. Download the IMPACT by Interactive Brokers app today and use code IFIWEREYOU to get $30 of stock credit! Note: The podcast ad for the IMPACT app is unscripted and being recorded live. It may contain some slight differences. Please visit https://impact.interactivebrokers.com/ for full details of products and services. Interactive Brokers, LLC member FINRA/SIPC. The projections or other information generated by IMPACT app regarding the likelihood of various investment outcomes are hypothetical in nature, do not reflect actual investment results and are not guarantees of future results. Please note that results may vary with use of the tool over time. The paid ad host experiences and testimonials within the Podcast may not be representative of the experiences of other customers and are not to be considered guarantees of future performance or success. The opinions provided within the ad belong to the host alone.   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money get the five dollar meal deal today prices and participation may vary for a limited time only three two one yeah yeah oh goes because you're over hair growing gray and being out of shape because you're

older trying to regain success that you had in the past because you're over and you say you're getting old, it's true you're old you're old. You're old.

Canceling you? It's true! He said it's true? I realize you never want to choose the air bass. Yeah. It's the least fun thing to, yeah. You can always add the, yeah, that's good. But that's all you can do. With drums, you can do the fills.

You can do the, yeah. The air bass is also fun, though, because it's so easy. You can pretend like you're talking to people in the audience. You're not offended by that? That was a fun little song for you. You're older than me. That was about both of us. I feel like you're kind of like the old guy.

He's talking shit about me, and that should really offend you, actually. Jeff and I are Gen Z, basically. Yeah. Gen Z. Like, you're over a decade older than Jeff. How old are you? Well, I'm 24.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, I feel like we have this energy that's like 24. I was going to say energy. Yeah. He was born during your bar mitzvah. During it?

Yeah. Are you sure? Same date. November 28th, 1997? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You were doing your Torah portion. My mom was getting a C-section. I'm still chanting

in Hebrew. That song was written by Lorne Mintz from Toronto. I've given you guys a bunch of theme songs in the past. My most recent one being the Louis Armstrong one. Wow this guy's all over the place.

You know which one I liked was Mike of Gold. Yeah that was a good one. That was so good. Who is that Neil Young? Yeah.

I mean I also just love that song but then like the intonation. Nothing to plug really but I'm hoping you can make a Game Grumps collab a reality. A video game YouTube channel.

Oh, yeah. All right. Cool. You know Aaron now, actually, from Game Grumps. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. That's wild. Yeah.

I would actually love to meet him. He really helped me out. Yeah. Do you know this story? No. I sort of introduced Jake to Aaron. Aaron? From Game Grumps.

This guy who's a pretty popular gamer YouTuber kind of guy. How did you know him? I knew him through Ben. Oh, okay. Yeah, so we were playing Mario Kart together back in the old pandemic. Yeah.

I think I played one round where he was in the, like, game and it wasn't fun. Because he was so good. Yeah. It's hard to be sort of casually gaming with real gamers. Yeah.

Yeah. How is your gaming, by the way? I haven't asked. Your Animal Kingdom farm. The Animal Crossing. Animal Crossing. Animal Crossing? You're island, basically.

Yeah. How's that going, by the way? I forgot. You have to ask. I totally haven't mentioned. Yeah. No, you asked like a year ago, and I said that I stopped playing, and I hadn't. So now it's been like a year and a half. Yeah. A year and a half. I haven't thought about it. The pandemic, the pandemic as it were really lasted like two and a half months for me.

That's really cool. You know, like. So you had the animal crossing. That like two years when people say we've been in quarantine for two, like there actually hasn't been a quarantine for two years. That's cool. You did that to you. Yeah.

Because it's sort of a state of mind. So I stopped playing the video games in like June of 2020. Same. Yeah. No, you stayed inside for another two years after that. Well, I got into it. Yeah, which is fine, but own it. Oh, my island is sort of thriving right now.

And is it? No, all the characters are dead. Right. How much cash do you, sorry, how many bells do you owe Nook? Nine. Nine? Yeah, I wonder how many defunct owe Nook? Nine. Nine? Yeah. I wonder how many defunct islands there are right now out in the world that just were

out there beginning and end. It's just a ghost city now. The thing is you are an island. You kind of stand alone. You're sort of... It's two opposite ends of a magnet anytime you talk to anyone. And it's funny because... And we're like attracted to each other?

Is that what you mean? No, two opposite ends. I see. Or sorry, two like ends. Okay. So the kind that repel each other. You're repulsive, yeah. Yeah. That's funny we're like attracted to each other is that what you know two opposites i see or sorry two like ends okay so the kind that repel each other yeah yeah that's funny and i say this out of love so that you can kind of change you and a mutual respect yeah respect between us that allows us to excuse us that allows us to tell you when you're not living up to your full potential you're not going to find yes men in us. You're going to find nay men in us.

No women. Actually, sometimes I worry that you are living up to your full potential and that this is as good as it gets. That's when it starts sort of trending towards bordering on mean. No, because it's reality, right? And if you don't acknowledge the reality, you can't change you and we want your growth. And if this is your peak, then that's fine. That's actually really bad. So wait, is it fine or is it bad?

It's tragic. There's nothing we can do about it. It is what it is. I would say this about you. It is what it is? Yes. That's not advice. No, just kind of like throw your hands in the air.

You tried. You're asking me to give up. Welp. What's that? What? I would say whelp. Yeah. That's kind of, your middle name should be whelp.

I don't think so. A mere whelp Bloomin' Felt. That's pretty good. No way. There's merchandising opportunities at the very least. I am interested in monetizing my name, that's true, but I wouldn't change my middle name. A hat that says Yelp or whelp. But also a hat that says Yelp is pretty good.

Yelp merch. Do you work for them? no I'm just a huge fan five stars for the Yelp merch I have an idea it's kind of a business idea it's Yelp merch so a hat that says Yelp what about a shirt that's too big and kind of misshapen

and says I wish I could give one star that's good it's a sort of merch when they first started out and now it's a sort like misshapen and says, I wish I could give one star. That's good. So sort of like merch when they first started out. And now it's a sort of misshapen. First merch. I would say on the topic of Gen Z, I would say Amir's giving one star. How's that? Like, you know, so it's giving share. It's giving.

Yeah. I'm too old to even understand what that means. So you give share. That's a good thing. Okay. So like you pull up in like an old Chevy pickup. Oh, it's giving, you know, country. Yeah's a good thing. Okay, so like you pull up in like an old Chevy pickup. Oh, it's giving, you know, country chic.

I see giving is like the vibe that you're sort of putting on. And you're giving poison. Yeah. One star. You're giving detritus. What's that? Like garbage, debris. That's not Gen Z. Things you throw away.

That's just a word, you know. Yeah. A discarded sort of like a discarded yeah yeah we should say that we're back in the studio so if you're listening

to this episode the reason that we're not sort of taking time for the other person to talk is because Jeffrey Jake and myself

are all in the same room yeah for the first time in god I want to say months we've been in the same room probably weeks ago really yeah damn we were in Arizona damn shit First time in, God, I want to say months. We've been in the same room probably weeks ago. Really?

Yeah. Damn. We were in Arizona. Damn. Shit. Shit, dude. And you can watch this. We're videotaping this whole damn thing.

Look at that. So we're going to put it up on our YouTube channel as well. All right. This is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the web, hosted by me, whelp, and me, Yelp. And we're here with Jeff. First guest in a while. It's hard to do the guests remote.

Yeah. I don't find it fun to do the guests remote. You need that in-person energy for a guest. Yeah. And you have to like sort of help that person set up his own little home studio. Who has the time to do that? You and I are often recording at like 4 p.m. on a Sunday, so it's not an ideal guest time. No.

I mean, you do it for the HeadGum podcast. It's like trying to like, no, you actually have to wear headphones. So actually, can you stand here? Actually, you have to be well lit because of this, that, and the other. So you have to like be a producer plus a host plus an engineer. Yeah. It's not that hard. Okay.

That's cool. All right. We got a few emails. I'm trying to think about which one would be ideal for Jeffrey to answer. How about this one? Okay. It's a 23-year-old from Boston. Love that.

That's awesome. I'm excited because I don't know when the last time I was on the show, but I feel like I'm another couple years wiser. Really? Like another couple vax Pfizer. I'm older, I'm older. You wax and you vax. Older and older. Yeah, he wrote that down. He had it ready to go. I'm older, I'm older. Yeah, he wrote that down.

He had it ready to go. Spill a bunch of note cards. You know, a few jokes about Moderna also. 23-year-old from Boston. Let's call him Time Lord, a 23-year-old player on the Celtics, I think. His name is Time Lord? Well, it's Robert Williams, but his nickname is Time Lord well it's Robert Williams but his nickname is Time Lord

oh wait that's the they're like center yeah yeah they're tall dude's awesome I love that guy yeah he's very big

is that the one that fought LeBron or no no he looks like Isaiah Stewart the guy that fought LeBron that's cool

yeah no I like his nickname is Beef Stew really actually I had Time Lord on my fantasy Robert Williams I told you I won right no oh yeah I won my fantasy wow and you had Time Lord on my fantasy. Robert Williams? I told you I won, right? No.

Yeah, I won my fantasy. Wow. And you had Time Lord on your kill list. Yes, but that didn't end up panning out. That was in the finals. Got your ass kicked. Did you win any money for that? No.

I think I'm supposed to, or maybe I'm supposed to get a trophy, or maybe I'm supposed to get dinner. I don't remember. Dinner is obviously the best answer. I think I'm supposed to get dinner with him. Time Lord is 24. Time Lord is going to take me to dinner. I don't remember. Dinner is obviously the best answer. I think I'm supposed to get dinner with him. Time Lord is 24. Time Lord is going to take me to dinner. That's what happens. I keep DMing him to no avail, to no his avail.

Mr. Lord. If you DMed Time Lord, do you think he would open it? Because you are verified. You have a single name. Interesting. No, I don't think he would open it. Otherwise, I would be DMing him a lot more. You wouldn't be on scene?

He would leave me on red, and that would leave me with on Wii. I get on Wii when I'm on Wii. I'm playing my Nintendo Wii. This brought up random memory recall, but remember I got you a cameo from Taco Fall? That's right. Beginning of the pandemic. This was all just early pandemic shit. We didn't know what to do with ourselves.

Taco Fall. He was like wishing you well through the quarantine. You told him I was intubated. All right. I've been dating my girlfriend for almost three years and it's been perfect. I can see her being in my life for a long, long time. But this is where you're probably expecting a but. However, there's no issue in my relationship at all.

That's it? Oh, no, sorry. It continues. I thought we were going to end the podcast forever right then and there. Shit, I'm locked out. This joke is, let's take a fucking break. God damn it. I drained my battery somehow.

It won't open again. The magnet is too strong. The purpose of my email lies outside of our relationship. The issue arose yesterday when my girlfriend's best friend, who she's known her whole life, requested to follow me on Instagram. I had been following her for a while, so I thought she'd already been following me, so I was surprised. And upon some digging, I realized this was a second account that she uses to advertise her premium Snapchat. So? So, basically, my girlfriend's BFF wants me to pay a monthly rate to see her nudes and other explicit content.

Think Only fans. What does this mean? Is she just following anyone and everyone who may want to pay for her service? I respect the hustle, but most of her following is comprised of straight males. Is there something inherently wrong with her reaching out to me, her BFF's BF as a potential premium Snap member? Or is this just a test of my commitment to my girlfriend? Oh my God.

It's neither, I think. What the hay do I do? I think this is the problem with society. Where like, this girl like threw him a follow, whatever, for any innocuous reason. Like she wants to follow

so like her follower count looks good so more people subscribe reason like she wants to follow so like her follower count looks good so more people subscribe maybe she wants me to subscribe who knows yeah and then you internalize it so deeply that you feel like it's all some kind of crazy conspiracy around that's right yes a conspiracy yeah a premium snapchat i didn't even know that that existed this is why like when guys go to a strip club, they'll sometimes be like, oh, I need to marry this person or I need to take them away from the strip club. Yeah. No, they like the stripping. And if you have a premium Snapchat, it's a numbers game. This is not about you at all.

She's trying to get as many subscribers as possible it's not that she wants to fuck you it's not a test she's doing this to many people across instagram that's the thing i think look at how many people she's followed from that account it's probably over a thousand you're nothing yeah in that yeah it's not a test not a test she's not flirting with you she's not flirting with anybody she followed she's trying to get cash. Yeah. But you are worked up because you want to see her naked. Which is what I think. There's a projection

level. Well it might be he has to follow her to pass the test. Right. Because then it's like I'm giving her cash and I'm still not even looking. Also if there's a test involved at all there's a problem in your relationship. There's not no problem in the relationship. So you're saying this is a sort of indicative

of something that's wrong. Yeah. I would... Snapchat is weird because it's an app where kids message each other. And then Snapchat's like, also,

there's an OnlyFans part of it. And you're like, whoa, what the hell? If you don't want people sending in theme songs yelling about how you're getting old, don't say, it's an app

where kids message each other. It is, it is. I see my niece on it fucking firing off snaps. And then they're adding like, oh, by the way, you can pay me to send you Snapchats. I think it all happens on the same platform. It's like kids posting photos of their shoes in vacation and then also people with butt plugs selling it.

How do they justify premium Snapchat? It's like, yeah, charge your friends to get a fucking Snapchat from you. It's like if they were also telling teenagers to join OnlyFans to chat with their pals. Actually, I might do this. No way. Because it's not just porn. Yeah. I can also just sort of...

You're excited by the app functionality where you can send a photo for a couple seconds? This is really cool. You can do that on any app're excited by the app functionality where you can send a photo for a couple seconds? This is really cool. You can do that on any app now, by the way. Really? Yeah, the disappearing photo thing. Premium Snapchat doesn't exist, and it was discontinued in 2018, it says. Really?

I wonder. It seems impossible. How could that be? Right. Because now they owe me. I'm owed a bill. This is a non-issue. I think ignore it, and it's nothing.

Yes. She's just trying to promote her small business. Yes. I actually want to bring up something somewhat related to this. Oh. That happened to me last weekend. Okay. I dated somebody for a while.

Ended amicably. Her best friend was on a trip to a cabin with like a bunch of our other friends. And late at night, where I know that I'd seen they'd been drinking on like Instagram stories and stuff. She likes like three of my photos from like 2020, 2021. That feels like a little bit of a betrayal. Because that's a betrayal.

How serious was the relationship of the friend that you dated? It was kind of serious. So now you're like, do I have to tell my ex? No, I'm not going to say anything. And hopefully they don't listen to this. Yeah, that's a small flirtation. It's a small flirtation.

It's the old Facebook poke. It's shooting your shot a little bit. Right. It's inviting something bad to happen. I don't think that what she did is necessarily the bad thing. But it's basically like, you can flirt with me if you want to, and that would make my friend upset. Yeah. She's doing the bare minimum that won't get her in trouble.

Yeah. So I like three of his photos. I was liking a lot of photos that night. Yeah. From 2021? Yeah. That's actually interesting. The bare minimum.

It's like getting the worst fridge. Casey got it. The Bayer. Oh, Bayer is a fridge company? Yeah. Got it. Let's take a break on that. So you have to sort of think about what you said.

Because I really don't think it's a fridge company. I thought it was like a medicine. Yeah, Bayer. That's good. Yeah. Yeah, you are. Oh, wait. Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? No. We'll go to a break. Yeah. Weer. That's good. Yeah. Yeah, you are. Oh, wait, yeah,

what the fuck are you talking about? No, we'll go to a break. Yeah, we'll go to a break for sure. All right.

Maybe I'll edit this episode. It's just that joke and nothing else. Just splicing us laughing from some other time. This kid breaks

the internet by making a fridge joke. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the

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Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote.

Squarespace is my all-in-one, first-stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description,

or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we have returned. Yeah. Jeff, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson in the fire. Mom, I'm coming. Whimsy.

Sorry. Whimsy. Wait for it. What about it? Yeah. Okay. What's the, what is it? Whimsy?

Whimsy. You have to inject whimsy into your life, into your spaces, into your wife, into your places. And into her face. What is whimsy? What's like peak whimsy? Just so we can start there and then sort of back into what I can possibly do. Buying a silly hat before vacation? Yes.

Okay. Is that whimsy? Buying a silly, an Aussie outback hat before vacation. Yes, I see. Filling your room with, I'm sorry to say, Casey, but vintage candelabras. Why? That's filling. What if you treat every day like the power's out?

That's cute. I guess that's it. How about your house is on fire, by the way. Two things. Two whimsical things. A hat and a candle. I got a silk robe. Okay.

I got a silk robe to make pour-over coffee in in the morning. And have you been doing that? What's that? Have you been doing that? Well, not yet. I see. But it's on its way? I have a Chemex on the way.

What's Chemex? It's a pour-over thing. I'm enjoying the advice. You're giving me everything. You're mad. Too. You're mad. Too much, I think. And your tip is to just sort of be happy, and you're not even doing that while you explain it. No, it's more than that.

It's a step beyond that. It's what if we drove to the beach at, let's say, 1.30 in the morning. That's what I'm saying. More spontaneity. Spontaneity. Whimsy. Whimsy. Vintage objects found joy.

Yes. Found moisture. Do you even know how to fucking find glee? We slurpy. No, I think it's beyond joy because everybody has joy to some degree. But it's like how do you actually proactively inject that into your life? We're going surfing tomorrow at 6.15. I love it.

Is that whimsy? That's maybe not whimsy, but it's spontaneity. It's a should we with like a positive, a little bit crazy thing that's a little bit out of the box. Should we do this? It's like, yeah. Should we stay up all night and do this thing? Well, we have a lot to do tomorrow. I'm going to do it anyways. Should we leave this

restaurant and get dessert somewhere else? Exactly right. That's fun. That's a little whimsy. Jake got it almost immediately because you already have some whims in your life. I've never done any of this stuff. The candelabras, the robes. I will never get dessert at a separate restaurant. It doesn't actually make sense to me. And that's why your house is a

box. It's a flat ranch with no decor of any interest. Navy shirt, charcoal shorts. Jake's shirt is something interesting that he enjoys. It's a beer that I like. You fucking, your house was

staged when you bought it and you said I want to do that all over again. You leased a Mazda and when it was up you got another Mazda. Yeah, because it's convenient. Zoom Zoom you say. Whipsy precludes convenience. So what?

I'm going to fucking rent a DeLorean for the week? That's whimsical. Go on Turo. Go on Turo. Rent a car for a week. I would never. That seems like a waste of why everything. Bring the mustache back, man.

Yeah. That's debatable. Change something up. Yeah. Yeah. Your status quo, I think that's status no. If Avi Tall is not pegging you in your ash this weekend. You went from me wearing a fun shirt to her wearing a strap on.

To some sort of ass play. A hundred percent. You don't want to try anything new sexually? I don't want to try anything new, period. If you're not experimenting with your prostate, then you are a prostrate. I said I didn't even want to get cake from a different restaurant. I definitely don't want to go that far. You don't want to get cake

from a restaurant, then yeah, of course you also don't want your cake being played with. You don't want to sit in a cake and then lick it off your ass? No, I'll do the hat one. I want you to go on a road trip and wear a fucking diaper. That's fun. I'll wear a fucking hat. I don't want to wear a diaper.

I don't want to get pegged. No, because that way you don't have to pull off. Yeah. What? That's why you don't have to pull off. Or pull out. You are wearing a diaper. Is that what that's about?

Whimsy? Yes, it's for audio. No bathroom breaks. None needed. You don't get it. That's fine. I see. I see.

I see what you're saying. Oh, yeah. Found object. Go to the Rose Bowl Flea. That's fine. I see, I see. I see what you're saying. Oh, yeah. Found object. Go to the Rose Bowl, Flea. That's a good fucking start. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah.

Some of this stuff just feels like stuff that you happen to be doing. You're sort of backing into the fact that it's whimsical. Like, oh, I'm playing tennis tomorrow. But for you,

surfing is the whimsy, but the tennis thing is sort of boring. That's a little rote because you've been playing it every single week for two years. You've been surfing. I started surfing a month and a half ago.

So it's still whimsical. New hobbies. Tennis is fairly new. At the young age of 24, I'm finding new hobbies. I think that's pretty damn neat. Jeff's 24. We're 24-ish. The two of us.

You're obviously 37. Going on 38 I'm 36 The joke is over The joke is over because you said I was 37 Going on 38 I want you to go out after this and find a scent I have to record another podcast

After that Oh to get a cologne? A signature scent That's fun How about funfetti but it's a cupcake and you shove it up your ass? That's really good. I don't want to shove anything in my ass. Cake in your cake?

Cake in your cake. You're combining two things now. It's the dessert thing. It's the ass thing. Let's do a candelabra in you. Right. No, nothing in me. Let's light your house by candlelight and let's let a fire under your own ash with your

relationship with Avital. You're getting a lot of mileage out of her last name. Dating someone for 20 years is pretty civilian. Yeah. Civilian?

Yeah. It seems rare to me. Did you get that reference? It's a Father John Misty lyric. Let's help somebody out.

Yeah. Oh, you know what I wanted to look up was the refrigerator thing. Bear? Yeah. Yeah, because I thought it was like a vitamin.

Yeah. What about Bear Stearns? You're sort of making cash by being tough on your fridge. So a complete pivot from the whimsy thing. There's HVAC. Oh, B-E-I-J-E-R. Is that a sink company?

Beer. Beer. Beer? This is good for audio. This is great for business slash jokes. Beer. Cooling. Hold on, I'm going to buy coolant.

How coolant is that? How whimsical is that? Okay, next question. This is another sort of jealousy-based one, so let's keep it on that train. Big fan of the show. Thank you. I live in London, and I met my girlfriend

through Tinder two years ago I live in London and I met my girlfriend through Tinder two years ago while here in London. She studies in America but was visiting family. So we were long distance for a while. But because of the pandemic, spent a lot of time together in London, living together for the better part of a year and a half.

She went back to America recently and started getting back into the college lifestyle. She has a flat share with five other people, and one of those people is someone she hooked up with while we were long distance earlier on during our open relationship phase. We have since closed our relationship and decided to be monogamous. Doesn't sound very whimsical to me, right? The dude she hooked up with right now is uh next to her they share a bathroom together and four

days into living together she confessed to me that she was really flirty and she was oh he was really flirty and she was kind of into it and she didn't do anything about it and started to uh freak out when she realized she was starting to flirt back and actually found him attractive she knows i hate this dude, but I appreciate her telling me about it as soon as possible. As soon as she realized she was feeling this way, we had a long chat, and we said we still love each other,

and she didn't do anything wrong, but just had feelings she couldn't control. So now I'm emailing you guys a little drunk. I'm pissed. I don't know how to feel. It's been four days, and she's already into the dude. There's a whole fucking year left of this. I appreciate her. I don't know how to feel. It's been four days and she's already into the dude. There's a whole fucking year left of this. I appreciate her telling me, but what do I

do now with this information? I'm incredibly uncomfortable. Thanks in advance for your answer. Kind regards. I don't know. What's a British guy's name? Hugh. Yeah. Hugh. Okay. Is this lady too honest? Do you want to know if a girl

finds somebody else attractive every time she does i wouldn't care if it was there's other things that are stacking on here i think if i found out that like jill thought someone was attractive i wouldn't be upset that's but if she was living with him and not you for a year yeah if she was living with him and they were flirting and she said she was into it, I would be... I think... I don't usually have a lot of patience for jealous... This conversation, actually.

For jealous people. I think that being jealous is just a bad trait. Yeah. But you can't control it. That said, I think this situation sounds super fucking toxic. And I think they should break up. I think there's, it's a rare instance when I feel jealousy is a bit warranted. Interesting, yeah.

In this one, I think it's actually pretty warranted. But it's still jealousy whether it's warranted or not, right? Yeah, but I think unfounded jealousy is something that you have to deal with. And righteous jealousy is something that, you know, the other person has to address. I feel like they are addressing it, though. Like, I think and what I was going to say was like, maybe there's flirtatiousness because it's been four days. So they sort of feel like, oh, new house, like new environment. They've already fucked.

So like they kind of can maybe look back on those memories and get a little excited, you know. Especially because they're long distance and she's not having sex because they're monogamous. So like they kind of can maybe look back on those memories and get a little excited, you know. Yeah. Especially because they're long distance and she's not having sex because they're monogamous. But I think, I feel like when you live with someone, it wears off pretty fast. Or heats up pretty fast. Yeah. Like, I think she's gonna fuck this guy. I also think the honesty is because they were in an open relationship, though.

If they're polyamorous by nature, they probably have open lines of communication like that that don't exist in a monogamous relationship. Or maybe they did hook up and it feels like confessing to flirting and being into it is like a half confession so you don't feel quite as guilty.

Look, I think this needs to end. I think it's bad end. Oh my god. I think it's bad. You on the phone? Yeah. Thanks for the intel, and with that information, I'm going to just call it now. That way you can have sex with this guy, and you clearly want to, and he clearly wants to, and I won't get upset because you guys can do that because we're broken up.

I just don't think you can reverse the train at this point. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. The tube. Yeah. The train tube. The train tube. Oh, the tube. Yeah, exactly.

The tube. The tube. You can't put the toothpaste, the toothpaste, back in the tube. That's milk. That's a carton of half and half. Boxed milk is better. That's all milk. No, sometimes it'll come in a jar.

You meant a jug. Whatever. I'm being whimsical, man. I'm a little drunk and I'm pissed. Yeah, this guy's drunk and pissed and incredibly uncomfortable. It's also funny to have a conversation and be like, oh yeah, I forgive you. We love each other. I'm going gonna be cool and then like your true feelings are that you're upset and i mean we were talking

about chess the other month this is some sort of emotional checkmate she's like i'm being honest with you can't get mad at that i'm not hooking up with them can't get mad at that just know that we're flirting a lot live together for a, and you're not here to stop it. Yeah, I think she shouldn't have told him. But also, like, it probably eased her conscious, and now she thinks it's fine. Exactly. Which I think is a little selfish in a way. It's like, I told the truth.

I am absolved. I feel better. But now this guy kind of has to deal with those feelings. Well, the only way for him to win is for him to cheat on her as much as possible while preventing her from actually hooking up with this guy by saying he's being monogamous. That way he's sort of – that's like flipping over the chessboard. Case in point, that's why I said this was a toxic situation because that's what will happen. I used to do that too. It's quite destructive behavior. I think this only works if they are so mature and wise and probably have a little whimsy.

Ideally, he'd be wearing a robe, but I'll take what I can get. I think it's not necessarily toxic. I don't think it has to be, but I think it's a 90% chance it ends in heartbreak. Yeah. For all three. I think the roommate is actually at the most risk of being crushed. The roommate, the hot guy that's not in a relationship at all and just gets to flirt with this girl that you used to hug. That doesn't do any of the hard stuff about being in a long-distance relationship and just gets to kind of be the other end of the spectrum.

Like, oh, couldn't things be better if we just were together and we lived together and we share a bathroom? But what you can do, and what I would insist that your girlfriend does do, is do-do. Because the bathroom is shared. She goes and fucking... She keeps shipping her coffee beans. Just rips up the bathroom, clogs the toilet, stinks up the joint. That's going to kill any romance in the air, I think. That's my advice.

Send her a gold belly delivery. Yeah. Lasagna in a cold brew. Yeah. Yeah. So she in a cold brew. So she has to eat it. You have to eat it without silverware. Don't flush the toilet for a week.

If it's brown, don't flush it down. It's just good for the environment. We need to nip this in the bud. That's good. Nip this in the cake. You've been like the guy who's in London. You've also been like the guy who's the flirting guy. You've been like the guy who's in London. You've also been like the guy who's the flirting guy. You've been the girl.

What's like the best – if you were to rank those people in this like situation, this thruple that they're in, is being the guy who's not in a relationship. That's number one. That's where he's like feeling the less stress and anxiety, right? Yeah. That's probably the absolute lowest amount of stress. Maybe the tiniest bit of pressure that you're like, I don't want this person to break up and then I'll let them down. But I lived in that area for a long time. Great place to be. And then second is the girl who's sort of like, I got the guy.

I got this guy. She holds all the power. Right. Yeah, exactly. You're in a tough place, but you do have the control. That's cool to have control. And then in dead last, I would put the guy who's in London sort of getting updates on the phone about how much they're flirting. He's just anxious all day, all night.

Only feels good when he's talking to his girlfriend because that's the one time that he knows she can't be fucking the guy. And even then, you can't quite tell unless it's a FaceTime. So then, yeah, then you do a text. Doesn't, like no response. Great. You are getting eaten out by this roommate. There's no other explanation. There's no other explanation.

Even if she's responding actively, who's to say he's not going down? They're still not doing oral. Yeah. They could still be doing oral at that point. Especially if it's sent with Siri. Yeah. She's using voice memos. You can sort of hear it in her voice.

I feel like with jealousy in general, just to give other people a little piece of advice, it's like if you're going to date somebody, I think the way out of feeling jealous is just like, I don't know, if they're going to hurt you, they're going to hurt you anyways. Like, you know, so nothing that you say, well, that's not true. You're sort of stuck. I don't know. I think like if they're going to do that. You look at your phone.

No, it kept going on. It's an Amber alert. I'm sending it out. I feel like, yeah, if you're going to get cheated on, you're going to get cheated on anyways. And it has nothing to do with you. Yeah. I think maybe the best way to get cheated on is to project, like, to push someone away. And basically drive them to do what you think they're going to do anyway.

If this woman cheats on this guy, it's only because she's made a shitty decision to hurt him. It has nothing to do with him. Definitely, I think the idea of surrendering control, because you don't have you don't have exactly it will at least make you feel a little bit better but again i think they're gonna fuck and i think that you should nip this in the bud what if he does the homer simpson back into the open relationship that's also good so he sort of fades like let's just open it up again clearly yeah if your communication is that good and you could just be like i can't i don't want to deal with this let's have an open relationship don't tell me about anything that happens with that guy whether you hook up with him or not if you can actually live like that

and be happy then great uh but if you open it up they're going to fuck so you don't even have to be like like she might as well tell him because he already knows well you don't have to tell me that, but I would like to see it. Did he say how old he was? He's 91 and she's 15. It's a reverse Harold and Ma. He's 87, she's 24-ish. She's 24 and a half. I also think they should just break up in general because London to wherever in the States, why? This guy's in the States?

She's in the States, he's in London. Oh, I see. Yeah the States. Why? This guy's in the States? She's in the States. He's in London. Oh, I see. Yeah, definitely. Why? Yeah. Nothing like a relationship with an 11 hour time difference. So you're just sort of never on the same wavelength slash page.

Yeah. Because you also, you don't have to do open relationship. You can just be like, I care about you. I love you. But you know, we're long distance. Why don't we just break up? And then if we're in the same place later and in a place to date, let's date. Yeah.

I got news for you, too. If she's in the States and you're in London, it's an open relationship. Whether you want it. Whoa, Invisalign's coming off. I got something to tell you, by the way. Rubber band. It's a pretty open relationship. All right.

How do you now have a headgear? I didn't notice that. Every time I blink, you have more dental work. Orthodontist. You have a fucking expander. It's so bizarre. Also, I just noticed the chain. I think this guy should just get a chain.

Really? Yeah. Also, if he injects whimsy, you're not going to be thinking about this. Yes, he will if he is in a hat. I've been thinking about doing more jewelry. Why? Yeah. Also, if he injects whimsy, you're not going to be thinking about this. Yes, he will if he's in a hat. I've been thinking about doing more jewelry. Why? Yeah. Pinky ring.

Pinky ring. Might do a bracelet. Oh, sure. Would you get another tattoo? I do need to get another tattoo. Oh, for your family. Yeah, the family tattoo. I did see you tweet, would I be happier if I got another tattoo?

Yeah. Do you think that that would be the case? Because you're doing the whimsy thing and shouldn't that be enough? But you could get a whimsical tattoo. Yeah. Do you think that that would be the case? Because you're doing the whimsy thing and shouldn't that be enough? But you could get a whimsical tattoo. Of a Bayer fridge on my ass. Does Grayson edit these or Grim? Uh, Grim, yeah.

Grim, when you're editing this, can you punch in at the moment that Amir just looked at me after that question because he really, what a prick you are. It's a camera angle that doesn't exist. How did you have that? It's like those NBA replays where they can kind of go 360. Yeah, we should put cameras all over this place

so you can just like walk around it in a VR setting. All right, let's take another break, come back and answer some more questions. Two ad breaks. Two ad breaks. Thank you. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o!

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And we have returned a question about theater in college. Theater. Yes, theater. So I figured, Jeff, you do theater stuff or have done it before. Sure. Maybe you can help us out. I'm a theater major, and she is one too. Normally all fine,

no problemo. The catch is that we're currently in a show together and she is the opposite lead in the show to me. There's a mighty sticky situation

because if we play out the idea that I tell her how I feel and I'm very incorrect, then we have an awkward deal with each other in the show for an additional month

and that makes me feel like a massive asshole. The solution is clear, right? Wait until the show is done. Of fucking course you'd say that, because we haven't even gotten to the stickiest blotch of the problem yet. At the end of the semester, it seems pretty likely that she's going to Florida for a semester and I'd like to start kissing her face ASAP.

And I wouldn't mind being in a long distance for a bit, especially because I can visit her on spring break. I also will be graduating next semester, and where I'll be staying in the college area for another year after graduation to save for grad school, I'd be missing out on some pretty precious bone time, if you know what I mean. So my question is, do I bite the bullet and risk the awkwardness for a month, or do I wait a little longer and potentially lose the time of it all?

The longer I wait, the more I worry that she'd see less of a reason to date my hot ass because she's going away for a semester. Thank you, Conrad Birdie. How's that? They're in Bye Bye Fucking Birdie, and this is happening.

Oh my God. She doesn't like you, right? Oh, okay. I guess he didn't really consider that option. How did he introduce their relationship? Long time listener, first time writer, now on to the question, I'm pretty into this girl at my college and I think she's into me. I would like receipts for why he thinks she's into him. Yeah, it's tough with the co-acting thing

because you're pretending. But then sometimes it sort of convinces your mind that it works. That does happen. Like many, many actors will get together. So I think there is a reasonable expectation that they might like each other. Yeah.

It might be mutual. I would just, I don't think that the alternative is that bad. When you do it at the end of the play, she's going away, but you just said yourself you could visit her during spring break

and you're down to be in a long distance relationship. I think relationship's not on the table though because he's talking about a four week period I think after the play ends and then she's gone

for four months where he'd get to visit her for five days. So just hook up. Like that's also fine. Yeah, but you're also not considering, well I guess he said

it would be awkward for both of them, right? Like it'll be awkward for her. It'll be very awkward for you if it doesn't go well. Yeah. but you're also not considering well, I guess he said it would be awkward for both of them, right? Like, it'll be awkward for her. It'll be very awkward for you if it doesn't go well. Yeah. If he goes for it and she says no thank you, then it's time to do the play. Yeah. The only thing... Oh, sorry, go ahead. Oh, no, I just think that would be bad. Don't do that to her.

Yeah. It could ruin the play. Because if she doesn't like you, she's just in a play, and then you do that, and then suddenly she's in a really tough spot. Don't ruin the integrity of the play. If he has an understudy, then it doesn't, you know, confess. She decides.

Confess. If it doesn't go well, you sprain your ankle over the weekend. And then he can't be Danny Zuko, because he sort of has a bruised ego slash shin splints. So now you have to be Kaniki sitting because he sort of has a bruised ego slash shin splints. So now you have to be Kaneki sitting in the back of Grease Lightning. Tell me more.

Tell me more. Why didn't you want to hook up with me? It doesn't make sense. You're Sandy. Sorry, turn on the lights. I hate to break the fourth wall here, but Sandy over here is actually not that interested in me. Hey. We go together.

She makes his way. I'm a huge fan of waiting when the time is right and just do your thing in the meantime. Hook up with other people that you don't care about and that's fine in the four weeks. You're still getting laid and then once the play's over, tell the person you really like how you feel. Yeah. You could also, you know, it's not like now or never.

You know, now or at the end of the play. What about in three weeks? And when you're a little more sure. Yeah. You know, like. So the play's about to come on. And then you go for it. Or just, yeah.

Right before the curtains. Curtains, everyone. I really think we should go steady. She might be having these same thoughts. I feel like give it a few days. Give yourself a deadline or something where you want to decide. I think you need to collect more information. I guess that's what I think.

Or we need to collect more information. No, I think he needs more data. He's like, I think she likes me, but she's going to go away soon. Why don't you just flirt with her for a week? Bring her a mango. Yeah, bring her a mango. Sorry, you said yes so quickly to that. Why did you agree to that?

It's like a TikTok meme. And what did you mean by that? The bring her a mango thing? Oh, somebody brought me a mango once. I was like, oh, they want to fuck me. Because they brought you a fruit? Yeah. Jill brought me a clementine at work.

Really? Yeah. So that's what it is. Bring them a citrus. Bring them something, a type of citrus. Somebody left a rotten plum on my doorstep the other day. That was Ash. That was her.

Yeah, that was Ash. Because I took a bite out of it and I started tripping balls. I couldn't believe it. It was rotten fruit. She wants to break up with you. Because of the rotten plum? Yeah. I tried to sort of turn the other cheek, look the other way.

I feel like there's always rotting food on your front seat. Yeah, because you order it for me. Yes. You order for me. You don't tell me that it's there and it stays there for a weekend. To eat! To eat when I get back.

Were you gone for that weekend? Yes. Oh, I see. What was it? DJ Khaled's Another Wing? I would have eaten. It looked good had I gotten there within 71 hours.

But instead it was 72. So many ants on the back. I am sorry about that. I didn't know you were out of town. Still wouldn't, I still wouldn't have known that it came because it was sort of contactless drop off. Right.

Yeah. Can we do one last one that's drippingly sexual? That one is pretty sexual, but let's see. You're talking about the lack of sex. Yeah, that's true. That one's sort of a bad roommate, so can't really do that.

This one was just sort of a fan mail. Here we go. Unintentionally edged. Oh, that's good. There you go. My name is blank. Nice. And I need help.

It's a lady. I think Jake will be especially helpful for this dilemma. Thank you. What? It's alright. You're a cuckold. You're obviously a cuckold. You're a cuckold. You're not open.

So I, 21F, I guess that's her body temperature or something like that, and my boyfriend, 21M, have been officially together for three months. We met about six months ago and have been doing the deed for six months, minus two weeks. Anyway, he's been very sweet and communicative in bed, which I very much

appreciate. He always asks before slash during if I'm comfortable slash feeling good. Everything always starts great and his foreplay game is 10 out of 10 every time and the actual sex is perfect. Great. Closing my laptop.

But then once he seizes the cheese and jizz whizzes or whatever, I am left blue-balled. Now, this isn't every time. The sex is bad. This isn't every time. He's definitely shivered my timbers more than a few times, but probably three-fourths of the times we ride the bone coaster, he's the only one that makes it to O-Town.

I don't even think he really knows because one time we were playing a drinking game and he had to answer the question, when was the last time she had a big lady O? His answer was this morning. And we did fuck that morning, but I didn't actually get to a clam cramp jesus this is what you wanted overtly sexual right exactly what you want a pervert it's the simplest question ever and i have stated to

him that i can't finish from just penetration a few times so i'm not sure when he thinks i've been having a genital sneeze this entire time. Genital sneeze. Jesus Christ. But I truly think he has no idea what's a good- You wrote this half on Urban Dictionary. What's a good way to bring this up without being awkward? I don't want him to be embarrassed or feel bad because I love him and I don't want him to think he's bad in bed. It would be an honor if you could help me out with this one. Anyway, you guys are the bees' big toes or whatever they say. And should you do another live show in Syracuse

me and my friend Gene will come see you cheers alright from blank from blank so she wants to basically tell her boyfriend actually I've only been she wants her clam to sneeze more 25% of the time yeah roughly roughly yeah

she doesn't come oh cause I'm tight by the way I how do you tell someone that because he's his ego would be bruised to hear that i think don't preserve his ego his ego should not be the number one priority you coming should be the number one priority but i think there is a way you could do it where you soften the blow i don't know how maybe a card? Maybe a card? Like an iTunes gift card? His ego's going to be bruised no matter what, because he thinks you're coming. At his core, even though

it will be painful to hear, he does want you to come. He wants to be good at pleasing you. He wants that just as badly as you do. First, but ultimately good. You guys have been dating for six months. It's a relationship growing pain. He does need to know

how to get you off. And he should know sooner rather than later because the long... Like, if this comes up a year from now, he's going to be very thrown. Okay, so do you think

it should be like a personal one-on-one conversation or more of like a two truths and a lie situation in front of all their friends? I'll tell you what, it's not that hard. The way you do it

is by opening it up for... He's asking you, are you comfortable all the time? You ask him. You say, is everything happening sexually that you like? Is there anything I could be doing? Oh, definitely. I mean, we're having sex all the time and we're both having that major, major O, which I love.

That's actually- Why? Is there anything wrong with me? It's a perfect segue. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I cum 25% of the time

so there you go you played that into my hand what are you fucking keeping track no you don't say 25 it's like I don't cum

every single time how often do you not I think I've got it I think you say it feels really good when you're fucking me and I think I'm cumming but also I want to see

what it would feel like if you go down on me like there's your fingers and like and then you'll probably actually come, especially if, like, you can communicate what you like. Yeah. And if he can do it.

So you don't mention the orgasm thing. You just give him general tips that hopefully trends you towards the orgasm goal. No, I think you can maybe soften the blow by saying, I think I'm coming, but I'm not sure. Right. And then he can be like, well, at least she thinks she is, but there could be something more. I want to get that something more. I want to see that see that you don't have to say it's 25 of the time

you could just be like this doing this doesn't make me come and like when you do basically recall another good time so when you do this that really got me off that really made framing in the positive so do that again yeah and then also i think you could just um act a little bit and really differentiate when you're coming and when you're not. So to make it extra clear for him. So I really love this specific one. And it happened to be one out of every four. But I honestly don't even remember how it came to the other three times.

You have to divulge that level of information. It is three-fourths, though. You should know the ratio. But I would, at the very least, you don't have to approach it as a, here's something we need to talk about. I'm unsatisfied. Because that will make people unhappy, which sounds like you don't want to do. But you can frame it just as a general check-in. How can the sex be better for you?

As a good partner, he will ask, and how could it be better for you? Interesting. And there you go. And if it makes you feel any better, I'm sure, Jake, you recently told me that your success rate is 5%. So the fact that he's getting her 25% of the time, like it's considered not good enough. Hilarious, man.

Oh, that's fucking hilarious. I don't think he was like joking though. He said he actually took like... Well, I can't fucking get someone off every time. It's pretty hard. He said one in 20. So I'm saying that like one in four is actually pretty good. Yuck it up, Lindenfeld.

He's not even having fun with it. He's just saying matter of factly. Yeah, it seems like a bruised ego situation. The lights turn off and on. You feel good? Does that make you feel good? Yeah, it was funny. It was like a nice little...

Oh! I'm coming! Oh my god! This is ridiculous. So were you rubbing his hand to get it out? Actually, this is my dick. It's called finding the G-spot. Oh!

No way. Yeah. My clam is cramping. You think she's making these up? What? Or are these an urban dick? The clam cramp, the genital sneeze. I have no idea.

Yeah. A lot of these are pretty fucking... I thought of... So there's dick pic, and then I thought of the opposite for that is gash snap. And with that,

I think we're gonna end the podcast. Not this episode, but the entire show. I feel like every time I'm in this room with you, a show ends. Every time we talk, a career dies. And it was because of the gash snap.

It doesn't even rhyme. That's the worst part. It's a slant. Well, there's two slants. Oh, my God, man. What, Casey? Only Gen Zs will get that shit. I'm serious man

18 ways you know you were born in the late 90's should we hit them with a tiny dab hit them with a tiny hit them with your tiny dab dab dab alright thank you good luck open and honest relationship

hey you're headed towards a higher ratio 50-50 who's to say maybe 3-4ths of the time amazing

okay thank you for joining us thank you for watching Jeffrey anything to promote

at Jeff Boyardee on Twitter I'm almost at 10,000 you've been saying that for half a year and I've been begging you

with my eyes to get a retweet. 1,900. You're not even that close. It's more than 500. 1,800 away. How close are you? Let's see.

Jeff Boyardee. I think it's like 500-ish. Wow. Ooh, yeah. 9,475. Shit. How many followers do you have on Instagram? 15,000 almost.

You'd rather that than the other way around, right? 15,000 almost. I thought... You'd rather that than the other way around, right? No, I'd rather Twitter. Interesting. Why is that? Because, oh, I don't know. I want career advancement. Back in high school, they called me Whore James

was your last tweet. And can I get a retweet? Can I? Well, it did have one. Can you give me that one service? Mayor McCheese PhD retweeted it. Username Fettuccine is bae. So, I mean, that person's sort of spreading the gospel

this sucks and the truth is I was at 9800 a month ago is that true? no you're dwindling you were at 10k

alright sweet and we'll be back of course next week as always every time you can send us your theme songs

and your questions to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Who wrote that opening one? Did I ever mention? I hope so. The guy from Toronto, right? Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, he said he had nothing to plug. Yeah, yeah. Hate to say you're getting old. Parody of

the Hives. Lorne Mintz from Toronto. Shout out to Lorne Mintz. Shout out to Jeff. Shout out to you guys for watching. We'll be back next week. Bye. Bye. Ugly in life because you're older Watching all of your old videos

Because you're over Hair going grey and being out of shape Because you're older Trying to regain success that you had in the past Because you're over And to say you're getting old It's true You're old

Shake that arm You're getting old Here it goes I'm talking to you Videos were better because you're older Morning and the morning every time that you wake up because you're older It's true that was a Hiddem original hey I'm Jake Johnson host of the podcast That was a Hiddem Original.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed?

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