Segments - 547: Walmart, Texas

Episode Date: July 4, 2022

In this episode we discuss pillows, scrotums, and being a mayor. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Amir is kind of furry.

He's a chipper. Jake is kind of furry. He's a chipper. Jake is kind of flirty. He's such a hunk. I might give you advice, but it won't be right. I'm not with you. Every Monday, there is... It stopped. Yeah.

All right, starting over. The mirror is kind of furry. He's a chipper. Jake is kind of flirty. He's such a, uh, uh. I might give you advice, but it won't be right. I'm not with you. Every Monday, they're releasing.

I'm not with you. They're not qualified to really help you. But podcasts don't cost money, and these dudes are kind of funny. So you should listen to it if I were you. Every Monday, every week, set it right with you. Listen to your stories and your fucktales. You can see the event, so if I were you. Ooh, Savage. You can see the TV to the value. Ooh.

Savage. Awesome. DuckTales. That was actually written by Fred Savage. No way. How cool is that? Isn't he canceled or something? Fred?

No, I don't think so. I think. Maybe it was written by Ben then. Ben might be fine, but I also don't know which i think maybe it was written by ben then ben might be fine but i also don't know which one is which exactly yeah fred was from wonder years and ben is from boy meets world yeah cool love it either way they're absolutely no they were in a commercial recently how canceled can you be if you're in an ad i don't know i don't these days who fucking knows i like that uh that was actually neither fred nor ben it was uh a prolific theme writer of ours um does the band gone calves close dear lincoln dear lincoln all right uh ducktales ducktales parody uh in honor of ben schwartz because he's plays dewey

in the cartoon so this is his submission nine or ten and you can always plug his band dear lincoln on spotify or at dear lincoln.com very cool uh you know i dropped my phone in the toilet right before recording today no i didn't know. I've never done that before. Have you ever dropped your phone in the toilet? I don't think so. Like, was it in your pocket? No, it was in my hand. So you were peeing over the toilet?

Yeah, I was peeing. I washed my hands. I turned to like, I was looking at my phone. I turned to wipe my hands from the towel. And it just kind of flew out of my hands. I turned to like, I was looking at my phone. I turned to wipe my hands from the towel. Yeah. And it just kind of flew out of my hand. The toilet was mid-flush. Yeah.

I think I was peeing. I flushed the toilet and it fell out of my hands then. So it was just pee and it was in the act of flushing. I see. So pee, and it was in the act of flushing. I see. So pee, pee, and water. Sorry if you hear leaf blower. The gardeners like to come as soon as we hit record, so we're sort of waiting, waiting, waiting. Looks like he's recording leaf blower now, ideally.

Your gardeners all work for Earwolf. Yeah, it's so funny. They're trying to sabotage it's a sabotage slash hit job and i guess they're reading our texts because we started a little early today to avoid them but then they're like all right run run run they're starting right hurry so uh despite all that pp and the flush uh with so it's a rinse yeah the i think the pp was mostly down the potty when this had happened, but the bowl was refilling. It's not ideal.

Tomorrow you leave for Europe, right? Day after tomorrow. The phone is fine. It is waterproof. Yeah, that's true. Do you have to do the rice thing anymore? No, I rinsed it off. I rinsed it. is waterproof yeah that's true you got to do the rice thing anymore or that's not a thing anymore i rinsed it off i rinsed it uh and i don't know that there's anything else i can do i guess i'll use a disinfectant wipe on it of which we have some so you might as well do the rice thing just

in case just just in case why it's our like it still works It's perfectly fine. I know, but it's nice to just... They're fully waterproof. The rice thing is a good hack, and it's nice to have it that way. Right. And then if I wanted any piss rice, I could have that for dinner. Yeah. Because all of the piss will go off the phone and into the rice. Yeah.

And then I could have piss sushi. Yeah. Piss in the pot. Two parts piss, one part rice, one part phone. So it's this yellow rice. Did I mention it's an Android? Yeah. All right.

So thank you to dear Lincoln. I guess his real name is Nathan Thompson. I had no idea. NT, respect. Do you want to talk about your song? Oh, yeah, I would love to. I had no idea. NT, respect. Do you want to talk about your song? Oh, yeah, I would love to. I'd love to. I mean, it's near ready to debut, so I don't want to give too much away.

Yeah. I will say that a few weeks ago, we had a gentleman named Gareth wrote a theme song for us. I believe I mentioned that I was down to write lyrics if Gareth would do everything else. Yeah. Fall Out Boy style. Yeah. And we chatted on Instagram. I wrote lyrics for a song. Yeah.

Not even funny lyrics, right? Real punk lyrics. Yeah. Not even funny lyrics, right? Real punk lyrics. Yeah. I think there's a couple small little jokes in there, but mostly it's an earnest punk song as if I were in high school. Yeah.

A sincere attempt. Yeah. And he knocked it out of the park. We've been going back and forth the last week making some final tweaks, but it's ready to premiere next week. The big thing that I'm trying to figure out is getting how to spotify yeah how do you drop have you thought

about tweeting for the first time in a while and if it goes blows up you'd be like all right i'm dropping my soundcloud link here's the soundcloud i guess yeah i could break the internet with the swimmer's ear tweet and then it is time yeah and when it goes viral inevitably i sub tweet that and i say i'm here's my new like yeah me and my band just dropped this song that's cool and then the band is do you have a name yet or is that also part of the name right now it's well i'm sort of still working through if I want this to be the band name or the album name. But I forget exactly how it came up, but it came up as we were DMing. I think because I like told him a song I wanted it to sound like and he was listening to it or something.

And it was on Shuffle. So we called it Fate on Shuffle was the name of either the album or the band. Fate on Shuffle. Fate on Shuffle. And it is on fleek. And the bathroom is on sweet. Is that a parody or play on any phrase or anything like that? No, it's just kind of like a turn of phrase that it's old and new.

It blends two moments. Yeah, it sounds like I've heard it before, but I haven't. Yeah, which I guess maybe makes it perfect. Fate on shuffle. It's all words that we all know. Yeah, it's like random destiny. Yeah, exactly.

So do you like that for the album or the band? Random Destiny is actually pretty cool. Random Destiny is not bad. Random Destiny's child. That's cool. You should start a rival band, because I think that's how... We should have a beef. We should absolutely have a beef, and one of us should get murdered.

And that's how we'll really go viral. I'll use Gareth as well well so it's kind of confusing you're saying you don't know whether to use this as a band or a yeah album title or the name of the album but i know that we like you and i have specifically talked multiple times on this show about like what would be a good band name so i kind of want to use one of those but i can't i can't remember any of them off the top of my head yeah neither can i i'm sure some super fans out there remember yeah so i'll dust off my twitter for this drop and someone should tweet at me and let me know what bands we've said are what band names we like and then it's only a matter of time before we actually hear the song yeah i mean if we record

if we record again before i leave for europe i think i'll i can debut it basically then whoa yeah in which case this band name thing will be completely obsolete but that's okay have you heard the new drake album didn't he just release slash drop an album yeah i have not heard it yet um but i've heard that it's like it's a very different genre than Drake usually does so I don't know if I'll like it it's like house it's cowboy music

it's all two step it's Cotton Eye Joe it's line dancing meets the Macarena but yeah I signed up for I had to sign up for like a distribution thing to put it on spotify oh wow soon you'll be like an artist that uh gets shit on by spotify you could start complaining about like the money yeah i can't wait uh all right but until then i guess we're

still podcasters this is if i read the only advice pod on the web hosted by me. I'm Amir. I'm Fate Unshuffle. It's just testing it out. It felt right. You are the Fate Unshuffle. I'm one half of Fate Unshuffle. Okay.

Okay. All right. Here's a question. A question from a 21-year-old. 21-year-old girl, okay. All right, here's a question from a 21-year-old. 21-year-old girl, actually. Very nice. We'll call her Visa. Oh, why?

Named after her favorite credit card. That's cool. I'm a 21-year-old girl, and I found myself in a sticky situation. I was going to the beach with my boyfriend and our best friend. My boyfriend was driving, I was sitting shotgun, and our friend was in a sticky situation. I was going to the beach with my boyfriend and our best friend. My boyfriend was driving, I was sitting shotgun, and our friend was in the backseat. So every now and again, I'd turn and talk to him directly. He was wearing a swimsuit and was sitting with his legs crossed.

And a few times I turned around, I inadvertently caught a glimpse of his right ball. He's going through a tough breakup right now, so he's not doing great emotionally. So my question is, should I tell him I saw his ball at the risk of embarrassing both of us? Should I tell my boyfriend I saw our friend's ball? Or should I just off myself in a Starbucks? Help. Yes. I have two cats named Jake and Amir. Oh, wow. That's awesome. I want to see the cats.

Yeah, me too. Love that. I wonder if anybody else has two animals named after us. That's pretty tight. It seems like a cat thing. You can't really go full dog with Jake and Amir, but cats, name them whatever the fuck you want. Do cats know their own names? I don't know. I don't know. I've never heard someone call a cat and the cat comes over i've seen i've seen that before but you know who knows if the cat is like responding to its name or the voice or the tone that like is you know associates yeah just like a noise i don't even know if dogs know their own names interesting i'll test it out by changing luke's name to jake or amir yeah i bet he'll come no matter what.

Jake, Jake. Yeah, sounds close enough. Duke, you could start calling him Duke. I think you shouldn't tell this guy you saw, what good would come of it? It's just so that she gets it off her chest. Like, I saw your ball and it's just eating me alive that you don't know that. I don't even know what, like, the harm in having have seen it by accident really is.

It's not like you didn't cheat on anyone. It's not like looking at someone's nut by accident makes you an adulterer. No, it does not. by accident makes you an adulterer no so there's not really there's not really a reason to tell him unless you think he would think it was funny which it sounds like it would be awkward at least at least judging by the way you're talking about bringing it up yeah uh the fact that she knows the specific that it was right yeah that means that she she's kind of into the idea of the ball. Interesting. It was a right ball.

So that means she knows more than just like, oh, I accidentally caught a glimpse, you know? Yeah, right. So if you do say something, which I don't necessarily think you should, I don't think you should i don't think it was right specify the right ball i saw your nut and then they'll be like which one and then you'll be like how the hell should i know it was the right the right ball oh oh oh from new kids on the block

yeah yeah um you could probably bring this up in a couple years i think then it would be funny he's not going over the breakup it's like oh you know i saw your ball once and then everybody would laugh about it but if it comes out as a confession i feel like everybody else would be uncomfortable yeah i can also see the boyfriend just pinning the fucking best friend against the wall by his neck. What did she say? What did she say? I don't fucking know, man. Why'd you flash my girlfriend?

You're nuts. That's like when you punch the wall next to him, you know? Like, ugh. Ugh. I'm fucking crazy, man. You're tough. Really? Yeah.

Like, you're... Oh're tough you're really yeah like you're oh my god dude when did you get so tough like fucking do the choke a guy out thing oh yeah you can watch this on youtube i should say it's like yeah recording the zoom but i'm here this is yeah this i want everyone that's watching at home to just like see your tough guy like so imagine yeah this dude whoa he showed your girlfriend his ball well yeah she accidentally saw she accidentally saw and then what yeah so you like have me go bang bang and it's good to bury your gums and your teeth like that a little bit that actually kind of animal instinct because i was like yeah like that and i like your eyes are watering you're not crying are you dude's fucking fighting back oh now i'm like i'm getting all stiff fuck me what happened i think you would like put like a

curse on me or something is your tongue swelling up i honestly think are you allergic to drywall i'm allergic to being tough i'm having a reaction all right i'm back don't say anything about the ball i think you don't have to i don't think it's a confession worthy thing no crime was committed correct uh all right let's take a break thanks to sponsors come back and answer more questions after these massages yeah thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than

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with the $5 meal deal at McDonald's you pick a McDouble or a McChicken then get a small fry a small drink and a four piece McNuggets that's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money price and participation may vary for a limited time only and we're back Jake do you have any

answer let's do it And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I don't. Do you? How's this one? And actually, you can try it on for size. Okay.

Bring your favorite pillow with you when you travel no way absolutely not no fucking chance let me try to sell it to you no how often do you find yourself in an airbnb cabin hotel and it just feels something is not quite right i would say that a pillow in your luggage is more important than an extra sweatshirt or two, a jacket perhaps. You can always deal with that when you get there. If you have the pillow that you know and love with you at all times, you can enjoy that vacation like it is your comfortable bed at home that you've tailor-made to your specific situation. I will give you, depending on the type of trip you're taking, if you're throwing a bag in the car and if you're staying somewhere for a long time time then that makes sense maybe if you're taking a flight and you're checking a bag and you're going to stay in one hotel or airbnb or friend's house for an extended stay yeah the way i travel which is usually carry on one to two nights. I'm not bringing a pillow. That's a little absurd.

It takes up a lot more space than just a sweatshirt or a jacket. Yeah. Some jackets are pretty thick. Yeah. Well, if you're going somewhere where you feel like you need a parka and you go parka or pillow, then I would highly recommend the parka because that sounds like you'll need the jacket more so than the pillow. Yeah. So you're sort of freezing on the day, but when you put your head down to rest, it's that perfect height. Yeah. If you really need that pillow, I would

honestly order the pillow to the place where you're staying, sleep on it for two nights and then return it if it be like that. Yeah. That's interesting. But i think the amount of space the work for the return on that i can sleep anywhere and i think most people can find a way to sleep it's not the pill it's not all the pillow it's not all the pillow but sometimes the pillows are really flat and bad and it's like now my neck hurts and i'm hurting for the rest of the trip it I mean, it's not ideal when you go somewhere that has a bad pillow situation. But I think that it's rare enough that it's gonna be so abysmal that you can't sleep that it's not worth traveling everywhere with your pillow

to combat the few instances where you need it. I was searching for, I think you reviewed pillows, right? We did, yeah. Are you still using that specific Tempur-Pedic memory foam one? yeah are you still using that specific like tempur-pedic memory foam one i'm actually not using that anymore because i am no longer dealing with like any kind of stiff neck pain i think due to a better diet and exercise regimen yeah so that's not necessarily as necessary for you not anymore the pillow that i got i don't not that this should be a pillow ad but i won't even mention just so people yeah

it's my pillow you just because you like that guy's politics it's an alt-right pillow manufacturer uh i think it's like a sealy brand pillow with those like it almost looks like the things that you pop underneath so it's like a memory foam cooling whatever that's i think that's the that is that might be the same one that we got is it the cool pillow it's yeah it basically always keeps that pillow a little cold yeah yeah yeah that's the exact same one i mean if you got that guy in your airbnb you're just sort of you, upping the ante a little bit on your casual trip. Maybe it is more of a driving. By the way, that pillow, though, that pillow, that one doesn't even compress enough to put that into a small bag.

It's a dense rectangle. Yeah. You'd have to mostly bring just the pillow. Okay. And then you'd have to bring an extra bag. So if you're traveling somewhere by car, you could throw in a pillow. Yeah. Yeah.

You could also get an oversized backpack specifically for the pillow and just keep everything else in the carry-on. Turn the pillow into a bag. Bag the pillow. Like Halloween. Yeah. Yeah. So you turn the entire pillowcase with the pillow. Do you think you need that pillow?

Do you need that pillow to sleep? If the pillows where I'm headed are bad, then it's not a good situation for me. I got two is, one is too little, two is too much. I oftentimes wish that I just brought that pillow. I've got a lot of leeway on which pillows I like, but if it's overstuffed overstuffed i can't handle an overstuffed pillow no god no nor should you no yeah i wouldn't want that overstuffed and under delivered all right so that's my unsolicited consider bringing the pillow before okay last year i would never bring my pillow anywhere and this year consider bringing it i brought it on like a glamping trip i'm like i don't i don't

want to deal with whatever standardized pillow they have well yeah glamping i can i can picture wanting to bring your bedding because sleeping outside is a little less comfortable i usually would trust and i definitely always trust the hotel and i would typically trust the airbnb i guess it was more of like a semi-cabin situation yeah i got you uh okay here's a question from yeah a dude who has an ex all right hey guys we'll call this guy max as in american express so short for his favorite credit card credit card yeah yeah love you but i'm just thinking about that kind of stuff because i have a lot of unpaid debt debt yeah yeah i recently broke up with my ex because college ended and we both went to different cities i still really love her and we still talked

but i recently started making thirst trap tiktoks after one of them went mini viral i noticed she blocked my number my instagram and all her friends unfollowed me here's the video the video is just to like set the song to your last four pictures and it's him like you know doing a zip line him shirtless with abs him like at the beach doing something cool third strap tiktok and it went viral. Viral? Yeah. I guess a bunch of people watched it, complimented this guy. And I sent it to you in the chat. Okay, let me see this. How do I get her to like me again?

I want to be on good terms with her because I care about her. But I don't feel like I have to stop making thirst traps. I'm in a pickle. Once again, love you guys. Any advice would be awesome. This is almost like a new way of um hitting the dating scene like you don't have to download an app anymore you could just make a thirst trap video and if you're hot enough it'll go viral on tiktok tiktok ostensibly turning tiktok into a dating app dude is definitely pretty shredded shredded yeah he's absolutely okay and he's yeah the

his fashion really on point he's a hot he's a hot shredded man who's sort of getting hot shredded fans damn wow the ab definition is really incredible what are you thinking um for the uh curious what your core routine is i was asking and i'm wondering excuse me because i'm wondering if you're doing you know the crunches the v up the jackknife the russian twist or if you're doing more weighted stuff the the halo the um the the leg raises from like hanging or something i just need to know yeah what you're what's the cardio yeah because to have that he probably much definition yeah it seems like he has zero percent body fat it's just like yeah i'm wondering how he got that because i'm i'm trying to between metabolism i'm trying to finish. Between metabolism and cutting out any carbs, he probably doesn't eat anything. I look like shit compared to him.

Okay. And I'm wondering if I can finish. You're enraged. How did he come? I'm not mad. I'm disappointed in myself. And I'm pissed at you. Why?

What the hell did I do? You want to let me get a word in edgewise? Yes, I am. I let you go on for too long if anything should we have to apologize to this girl for posting a thirsty trap no i think that you just recognize that this is all running its due course there's you were in a relationship you graduated broke up, you moved to different cities, and then you posted something on TikTok that gave you a lot of new fans and new people who are interested in you and kind of alienated someone you had broken up with and their friends, which is perfectly fine. This is all, this is nature running its course maybe it was expedited by the video but at a certain point you do stop following your friends as x or vice versa yeah i i mean it's honestly

if anything it's a it's a badge of honor that you looked so hot and they got so jealous that they needed to unfollow you the video doesn't it's i don't think that you it wasn't so egregious that somebody should be like this guy is a douche you you know in the beginning of it he's got like the low angle on the chin it does he doesn't look that good maybe that's why it went viral oh interesting and then it's like oh wow low angle this guy's normal holy shit he's actually really hot yeah uh so maybe that's it but i i do think i think that it's like basically that juxtaposition made it just funny enough that it's not like pure douchebag thirst trap which is perfect um i noticed you haven't really posted anything since you're surfing yeah since i know well i here's what happened i've done two surfing trips where i took some videos but i again i i leave the phone yeah it doesn't come out with me well

now that i've pissed on it and i know it's waterproof maybe i'll bring it out onto the into the ocean next time but the videos that cut together from that it just looks like here you are in the car here you are at the beach here you are hosing off your wetsuit and it doesn't look like i went surfing right i think you're focusing too much on that specific tiktok like there's other stuff you can post there's other content to be had yeah you're getting hung up and i yeah i went on a long bike ride uh solo dolo last week and i should have taken some videos, and I didn't. It's hard to remember to take video.

What about everything that you described, the surfing one, and then it's like for the surfing one, you take like an iPhone video of you recording a YouTube of the world's largest wave. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, it's sort of like a goof a little bit. Like, whoa, look what I did. But it's like you can see the tabs at the top of the screen so you're not really fooling anyone yeah yeah

so i searched like andrew cody nazare yeah and it's a placeholder image of sorts that's nice i like that thanks let me know if you end up uh posting it i'll yeah well now i can't really post anything until i have like the apac apps like this dude did i mean don't have that would be you don't need to post and i would be tagging my exes so they would unfollow me do they even follow you on tiktok i don't think they know that i have a tiktok so i'd have follow them, ask them to follow me and then start tagging them and stuff exactly alright let's take another break

thank another sponsor and come back with more questions after these thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show Jake you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point exactly, eons it feels like so you know how easy it is to use their

simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

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So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know

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ads somewhere else online now is your chance to make your voice heard folks take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m.f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah all right we're back uh here's a question a 24 year old from texas what do you think we should call this master card oh card yeah that's your card right named after his favorite card calling me again yeah i saw somebody in a wind jacket in your hall yeah they're fucking ganking my shit but nothing's even worth close to what i owe great you have a tv that's not 80k yeah oh there they go with the diamond bracelet oh that one's worth a lot. God damn it.

All right. 24-year-old from Texas. I'm taking a few semesters off college to save some dough and pay off some debt. Here you go. All right. Good stuff. He's doing it the right way. Here's my question.

I go to Walmart like every day to get a drink, lunch, etc. And lately, when I've been going, one of the greeters has caught my eye i've developed what you would call a major crush on this cutie here's my problem under any other circumstances i feel like making a move would be chill but since i go to this walmart every day i would hate to make her feel weird as hell at work especially because i go to this damn walmart every mother fucking day um again i live in a small town so walmart is like one of the places that people go here when they just want to leave the house because there's not shit to do in this town i'd hate to blow it and be forced to exile myself from this wonderful super center oh a super center at the same time i really feel like this walmart cutie is in my lane looks slash hotness wise what should i do help i feel like if you've put this much

thought into it it makes you better than most guys who have like asked her out kind of immediately you know yeah it's crazy that this is i mean you really can't get everything at walmart i guess between a date they probably have chips gasoline furniture yeah true love have you been amazing have you been to walmart a dongle and love uh yeah i've been to a walmart they're fucking recently yeah just like because i know there's not any in new york or la right they're sort of bigger in the middle of america oh i guess maybe so i mean there's like a walmart in my hometown i've definitely been there relatively recently i feel like whenever i'm like yeah when i'm like traveling we buy groceries somewhere you know stay in an airbnb you'll there'll be a walmart nearby yeah so this is such a small town that the walmart's like the biggest most like prevalent thing everybody goes there everybody does that

everybody knows somebody there that's right do you want to risk that if it's the main drag right i think so okay i think i think it depends i mean it depends on how you approach this i think if there's if you live in a small town, Walmart's the only thing. You don't have a ton of opportunities to meet people. I think if you behave in a normal fashion and if you get rejected, you take it well and it's normal, then you haven't like blown ever going to the Walmart. You're just a guy that's going to the Walmart where somebody said that they didn't want to go out with you, but that's all part of the game. I also wonder if there's conversation to be had that's not asking her out, like, you know, dip your toes into

discussing having light conversation with this person. Yeah, I think that's definitely true. I wouldn't go from zero to, will you go on a date with me? Maybe have a couple conversations. If you go in there every single day, I think you can build to it. And I would also just, you know, you always have to remember that the greeter's job is to be friendly to you. So don't get too ahead of yourself. So that's a good reason to start slowly. Make a friend. Just make a friend.

That's a normal course of action. Make a buddy and then see what happens from there. You think when he says I get a drink, he means like a Diet Pepsi or like there's like a bar at this Walmart? I think he means like a Diet Pepsi, like a Gatorade.

You know, Walmarts, they have the pizza huts. They have the coffee shop in the front. And then they have the drinks aisle. It's not like a bar or anything. I've never been to the Walmart in this person's town, but I don't think there is a bar there. No.

It's not a really... You don't know anyone at HQ that I could pitch that to, do you? I know. Isn't it the Wallmans? you don't know anyone at HQ that I could pitch that to, do you? Um, I know. Isn't it the, um, the Wallmans, Sam Wallman or something? Oh yeah.

Walton. Yeah. Walton. Okay. Yeah. I know him. So you should sort of soft pitch Barmart or Walmart. Walbart.

Walbar. Yeah. That's not crazy. Because people are already there. And if they're getting kind of like tipsy and going to buy like beach chairs or fucking Tupperwares. They'll end up spending more. Yeah. Or sweats.

If they're a little drunk. Yeah. And then you could also, you know, in the storage part of the Walmart, you can have it be a hotel. You could basically make Walmart just the town. So there'll be pods to sleep in in the back. There's food. There's drinks. There's games.

There's play. There's toys. There's guns. And you have everything you could ever need in one place. Really, the Walmart should just expand its wall around the whole town. Right. Almost like, so there's a Walmart, and then there's a wall even around the area. Your town is actually the mart now.

Exactly. So you think of the town as a Walmart with the Walmart as the whole of this bagel. Precisely. The Walmart is this Walmart as the whole of this bagel. Precisely. The Walmart is this big. The town is this big. And everything in between is also Walmart. Exactly.

So it's almost like, you know how they made a city in Florida called Celebration, Florida? I didn't, but that's cool. Maybe. What is it for? I think Disney just like created a city. It's just like, let's just make a fucking city. Right. Schools, shops, whatever. We can do this it's easy why not yeah walmart texas as a city in texas and we would

be the mayors because we thought of it we could be co-mayors of a city how cool is that that's actually not terrible because i do have a bunch of like thoughts regarding urban development that I want to pitch. And I don't know if that's like something I talked to the governor of California about or if all of Cali is sort of spoken for. Right. Or if we could just get a new territory, a new mart to ourselves. Yes. In Texas where we don't have to actually run because the whole town was our idea.

So we are almost a idea. Yeah. The judge, jury, and executioner. I will be the sheriff. You will be the mayor. Yeah. I want to be the judge, jury, and executioner. That's good.

Yeah. That's good. So I'm sort of like. That's a good campaign slogan. I'm fed up. I'm like, hurry up, please. But also I can give people the chair. Uh-huh.

Yeah. The lawn chair. Yes. Actually, you know, a book on tape you recommended to me years ago is one I'm actually currently reading now about Oklahoma City. Oh, Boomtown. Yeah, Boomtown. Yeah.

Great. It's a great, great book. Yeah, Boomtown. Yeah, it's great. It's a great, great book. Do you like it? Yeah, so far so good. And I'm just getting to the part where they just sort of opened up Oklahoma and it's like, all right, whoever wants to grab a parcel at noon today, have at it.

Right. Yeah. And people like snuck in to get the best parcels. Right. So we could do that, but in Texas. Yeah. are you reading reading or listening reading i'm reading reading cool i resent a little bit the accusation i've no i mean i i listened to it on a road trip yeah i was gonna say you did listen to it

you didn't read it you listened yeah i'm reading it not listening to it several years after i recommend four years after i recommended it you're reading it i asked it, not listening to it. Several years after I recommended it. Four years after I recommended it, you're reading it. I asked if you're listening to it because the author does the reading for it, and he's really good at it. Yeah. That actually sounds kind of cool. I don't know why I got all wacky or defensive. You got hot and bothered.

I feel like I'm being threatened as the mayor. I want to be running unopposed. You wouldn't be doing this if you didn't also have the power slash jurisdiction. As the sheriff. Yeah. That's really cool. The mayor is going to be tried. What about that for a pilot?

So we just sort of take over a Walmart, turn it into an entire city. Me and you don't know anything about this shit. We're both 2,000 miles away from this town, and now we're the mayors of Walmart, Texas? It's a really high concept. I can't see. Barely. There's so many questions.

There's no precedent for this no it was right yeah i mean to be legal to be clear i think it's a bad idea for a pilot interesting you and i now i'm in town called walmart and we run it from not even being there we run it remotely yeah we just sort of find ourselves on a road trip and we get the high idea of turning this entire thing into a town right i don't even know how we go through the fucking red tape of building the wall i would not want to i feel like well even when we have a good idea and we pitch them as pilots they don't get actually so by that logic we flip this idea is just dumb enough just bad enough to get eight seasons on cbs it doesn't hold water to any follow-up question like is there any precedent for this no do you guys know the first thing about

running a city no have you ever been to texas a few times we don't really know anything do you have like the legal right to use a walmart yeah it's like part of the core part of your story what's the what's the b story of the pilot have a piece we don't have one we don't even have a story i'm a sheriff and he's mayor of what of walmart that we just decide as a town one day what are you talking about i don't know but i think this is like what seinfeld did they're just like it's not it's a show about nothing yeah and that worked out for them so they'd have to somebody would have to take a flyer on us because they really believe in ourselves as auteurs right but we don't have

like a precedent you know like we have nothing to show for ourselves beforehand we have no track record right it's not like we came from a popular writer's room like exactly a friend or a how i met your mother right now this is our uh long shot idea but you got i was a pa on house were you no i don't know just give me a tv show it can't be worse than what what do you guys have on this fucking network uh um bob hart's abishola that's the number three show on television really shit good god and how did that one so then it doesn't matter nothing does well that's a chuck lorry. He sort of proved himself time and time again. So all we need is Lorre. We need a Lorre-style showrunner.

We need a Lorre to buy our story. That's really good. And there's probably a chance Lorre is listening to this. If you are, the show is called Walmart, Texas. And Jake and I become the mayor and sheriff of a grocery store slash town what don't you get mr laurie uh all right let us know if you have an in with laurie if you have any more questions if you have any more theme songs the email address for all that information is if i were you show at gmail.com correct and we need more questions we

always need more questions so if you find yourself in a sticky icky icky uh let us know yes uh dear lincoln was the opening theme song soon it'll be fade on shuffle but for now it's still dear lincoln that's right thank you guys for listening to this as you do a podcast thank you guys maybe for watching this on our YouTube. Yep. And if you want more of me and Jake, we have a Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA. Ja!

We're watching. We're watching Jake and Amir episodes, giving commentary, shedding light, insight. That's correct. Walking down Emory Lane. Yeah. So you can check us out there as well. Here it is one more time. That DuckTales theme song.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Here it is one more time, but it won't be right. If I were you, every Monday they release. And if I were you, they're not qualified to really help you. But podcasts don't cost money, and these news are kind of funny, so you should listen to it, follow you. Every Monday, they release it, follow you. Listen to your stories and your fucktales. You can see the event, so let's follow you. That was a Hiddem original.

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