Segments - 549: Dueling Vacations

Episode Date: July 18, 2022

In this episode we discuss Amir's trip from hell, Jake's trip from heaven, and our problem with Airbnb. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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forgotten to mention something on this episode something pretty important and that's correct we forgot to mention we're doing a live show in montreal this week. Is it maybe even tomorrow by the time this comes out? Jesus, is it really? No, no, no, no, no. We still got a time. This is July 18th.

You guys will have a week to go to jakeandamir.com. We're doing a show, a live podcast, our first in so long, as part of the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival. That's right. This is our first live show in two, three years. Is that possible? Yeah, and maybe our last live show ever. So you really, really, really want to come and check it out and support it.

We don't even know how many tickets are left. We don't know anything. We don't know how many are available. We have no idea. We don't even know where Les Maisons Theater is. Nor should we. We're just going to arrive on the day, having had, looking to make people laugh. So we basically said yes in the dark.

We said oui. We said oui. And it's going to be a good time, so come through. Yes. And I made jacondemir.com forward to the ticket purchasing page. Love it. But if that doesn't work for you guys then it's on the festival page as well at ha ha ha dot com yeah you can find tickets for sure

uh so check that out all right now let's get into it bye this is a head gum original three two one Three, two, no is unsettling. Why wasn't it just show no no no or show show show show? I think he was like a little late and it like was like a weird mistake that we heard. It's just I'm giving notes now that I have a punk rock band. That's right. I totally forgot. We have a lot of catching up to do because you've been on vacation.

I took a mini trip myself. We haven't really spoken in weeks. Yeah. You actually didn't text me once while I was gone. Like jack shit from you. About what? You were in Italy. Checking in.

Saying hi. Checking in and i saw your instagrams yeah you're having a nice time you didn't respond to any of the instagrams like the stories okay you commented on something maybe yeah but it would have been nice to hear from you is all. Oh, yeah. Damn, a lot of missed texts. Sorry, I muted our thread. Are you there? Would be nice to hear from you is all. I'm bored.

Jill's left. Can you Waze a Sparrow? That's not how Waze works, by the way. Join a group Uber Eats order. Let me just give this guy his flowers which was luke pottage uh he caught episode 541 and i guess we came up with the idea of wet dreams dry days and then he took that put it in a blink 182 song and sort of ran with it. I see. Wet dreams, dry days. That does sound quite familiar. So he on his own got to jerking off with Hellman's.

That was his, I think. I hope. There's a world where, as I heard that, I thought that was ours. But if it's only about wet dreams, dry days, yeah, no, he might have come up with that independently so bravo and then he said since the first uh my since uh oh i guess he already recorded a theme song for us and since then johnny house and did sign a new deal with middlesbrough fc and signed another one three days ago he's 34 now and was still our best player last season he got the man of the match when we knocked out Jake Spurs from the FA Cup. So a little, a gentle ribbing from Luke. Right. I do recall that actually.

Middlesbrough. Tough team. And then, so you mentioned your punk album. We sort of released it on the podcast recorded about it yeah bless you uh did that episode come out yet like have you that episode comes out yet today it's we're recording this on july 11th yeah yeah that episode so my life is changing as we know it right now by the. In real time. Yeah, by the time this episode is done,

even being recorded, I may have gone viral, famous on Spotify or Apple Music or whatever. Would you know that in real time or are you just waiting to hear some feedback? Also, is everything set up? I didn't know if you actually got around Would you know that in real time or are you just waiting to hear some feedback? Also, is everything set up? Like I didn't know if you actually got around to like putting it on.

Like can I search Spotify right now? Yes, you can search Fate on Shuffle on Spotify. And it's just that one song? Yes, it should. Fate on Shuffle. Whoa, it's on Rap Caviar. Amazingiar amazing oh my god i'm doing a collab with drake okay so i'm on fate on shuffle it's verified on spotify there you go it's very real yeah and then popular releases is just the one release you have i don't know if it's popular for you or

actually popular definitely not actually popular on spotify but oh yeah one true stunner one true stunner there we go do you see the um gareth actually updated the cover art made it look like it was spray painted onto the locker oh that's really cool yeah before it was like that flat image but now it's it looks a little better oh good news you can track how many monthly listeners it has oh wow yeah so how many do i have right now so right now it's still early days yeah don't be don't be afraid to to hit me with the honest truth by inflating the number just a little bit i'll inflate it a little bit and say it has 15 oh god that's that's that's that's a reflex poorly on you as well because it's been promoted on this podcast but again this is a monday morning record the

episode just went live you don't even know what the real numbers will be that's right i'm going to promote it on my instagram so oh that's cool so that should help it blow up pretty quickly. That'll boost. That'll signal boost, to be sure. And I will be spending heavily on marketing this. Any plans for a song, too, or we're going to wait and see how this one goes? No, I'm definitely going to make another song. I am going to hit Gareth up, uh actually today with some lyrics that i worked on on my bike trip because you know you're pedaling you're you're not listening to anything you're

just humming and i was um i was coming up with punk lyrics you better believe all right so this is just the beginning of the beginning not even the beginning of the end yeah the beginning of the beginning is actually a cool name for our next song the beginning of the beginning yeah that's that's actually really dope and i sort of came up with the first one too fate on shuffle no you don't want to the one about the oh one two stunner freshman freshman yeah but you come up with like garbage and then it's then it's actually me like you just said the beginning of the beginning and you farted that out of your face and you didn't realize what you said and i'm the one is no because i don't think the earth the

core of the earth knows that it's pushing up diamonds you know it takes a trained eye to find the diamond and to see the value there. So you are like the earth shitting out the pressure of the diamond, but you don't know what you've done. I know what you've done by accident, by happenstance, haphazardly. I recognize what could work, the diamond in the rough, and I hone that, fine-tune it it present it to the earth the world i mean you lost yourself in the metaphor i am the truffle and you're the pig and shit that accidentally finds that's that's that's more apropos for sure yeah except you don't

even make the music somebody else does too. So somebody else is selling it. Whatever. Whatever. Okay. Before we get into your journey adventure that I still don't really know much about. Yeah. I took a three-day mini trip. We're back on Monday.

I got back yesterday. Okay. So I was gone from Thursday to Sunday, visiting family, and I stayed in an Airbnb. You went up north, up to San Fran. Okay. Stayed in an Airbnb,

flew up there with Avital, landed, and right away, something didn't feel right at all what do you mean when i landed i'm like oh i feel like either constipated or diarrhea like something in my stomach was wrong oh god so i went to see my family for a little but it was a quick hello while we settled into the Airbnb. We get to the Airbnb. I'm like, oh, this place is sick. Like, I thought it was a one bedroom. There's like two bedrooms and a living room and there's a back patio.

And it's like we have the entire house. Nice. This is awesome. And then I start feeling even worse and worse. I'm like, I'm laying in this like extra bedroom that we have just like trying to take advantage of all the space. I'm like, I think,

I think I'm going to throw up. Are you serious? I'm like, I think I'm going to puke. Can you get a trash can? And she's like, from where? I'm like,

I don't know. I think just look for a trash can. I don't think, I think if I move. Oh really? You're like, if you stood up, I just like stood up. I'm like, I'm like i'm about to puke and then so she left i'm like it's happening and i see a potted plant with a fake fiddly fig i'm like here we go like it's either all over

myself or my hat or the ground or this potted plant i guess i made an executive decision yeah the potted plant probably especially if it's fake if it's if it was you know if it was a real if it was a real plant that would have been an issue but yeah yeah okay the synthetic stuff that can be cleaned and it'll be contained in the plant so i i hurl in the potted plant and it's you know viscous thick enough like an oatmeal situation that i can hopefully scoop it out later but the real problem is that like i just landed in the same b and b yeah i have food poisoning it's the end of the trip is this over am i just going to spend the

next three days in here um all night i feel awful kind of reminiscent of you in mexico just like up every hour or two needing to puke just like trying to drink gatorade can't keep anything down oh my god this is terrible timing i'm supposed to be like at the zoo with my niece at 10 and it's 4 42 and i'm just like on the toilet so when you land the first what time do you land uh three okay so you're you're throwing up by like five six p.m it's an evening yeah it's not okay got it so it's not like you you were supposed to do something with your family that day it's like you're arriving that day um but you have your plans are the following yeah plans with following shabbat dinner of course friday

night dinner we have a birthday party on sunday for uh the little three-year-old um so friday i'm just like i'm out i feel like i'm in recovery mode i'm not puking anymore but i feel very weak um sorry guys i can't make it my brother's like that's fine you're sick you shouldn't be around my entire family anyway right children nobody wants to see you nobody wants to like you to accidentally infect us you know these things are contagious etc so you don't know what it is at this point it's a stomach it was the stomach bug you're not throwing up anymore yeah like i'm googling but it's all just like is it food poisoning is a stomach bug is it a norovirus these are all sort of the same thing right like something is wrong you ingested it or breathed it in something yeah and you have to puke and shit until it's all gone correct okay uh friday i feel weak friday

night comes and then i'm no longer nauseous but i feel a intense cramping sensation in my stomach where i'm like it almost feels like someone's in there like pushing out like that sort of sharp pain and it's not going away and I'm just like sort of in the fetal position on the bed I'm at all again concerned is everything okay I'm like I don't think so like I'm in like a lot of pain I don't even know what I don't even know what to do with it like what do you do when you're in a severe stomach pain i'm not going to a hospital but at the same time i like can't i can't fart like i don't get any sweet relief nothing is sweeter it's like yeah and it's it's like midnight than one i'm like i can't sleep like it hurts too much even though i'm like i'm exhausted i literally can't get comfortable

it was almost like gas but but I don't know. Again, another symptom of this food poisoning thing. Got it. So at this point, it's night two. I'm in terrible cramping pain in a fetal position. Can't get comfortable. At one point, Avital recommends I get in the bath just like, you know, for a hot compress on my abdomen to hopefully make me feel better. Nice.

I get in there. The bath is old it's like barely filling up it's not getting warm enough i'm still in pain it's like now 4 a.m again i'm like trying to run a bath at 3 30 and unsuccessfully is very very sad texting my brother again i'm like yeah i don't know what to tell you. Like, it's still really bad. I don't know. I don't even know. I'm like trying to like just like imagine the pain going. I'm like, okay, if I conquer this feeling like mind over matter, just like close my eyes and think of like a ghost like literally removing gas from my belly.

Nothing is working right finally finally finally 6 a.m all night pain recovery puke hurting passing out waking up at 8 a.m just like barely sleeping barely you did puke again that night puked a little bit again i'm like is this just my life now like these things are supposed to be over by now fast forward to um by sunday i'm feeling well enough to go to the party which is nice i'm feeling like weak still this was yesterday today is monday when we're recording yesterday go to this party lost however many pounds but at least i'm there i'm no longer like feeling ill i I'm no longer feeling pain. Despite like my existential crisis that like this was my new life, my new normal now. Right. Go to the party.

Celebrate a little bit. Fly home. Get home. So that was the debacle of it all. Spending $1,000 on a hospital basically. Then I get home and a message from the Airbnb host. Hey, I'm here uh the cleaning people just sent me some photos of the place uh just so you know I also didn't she wanted me to move the trash cans down she looked at the top of a 28 stair staircase and I had to take the trash cans

down on Thursday the day I arrived and move them back up on Friday, which I obviously did not do because I was puking. You use the second bedroom in the Airbnb, which is an additional $70 a night. So I'm going to be charging for that through Airbnb. Also, you didn't move the trash can, so that's like an additional fee that I'll also be requesting through Airbnb. And I'm like, sorry, I use it to the second bedroom. Like she's like, yes, the Airbnb listing is for one bedroom, one bath. You use the second bedroom. So that's an additional fee. What? Right?

Have you ever heard of such a thing? No. what i'm like right have you ever heard of such a thing no so think i don't i i thought she was like you puked in the bush and we found it we figured out we found out but they hopefully she's not listening you clean it enough i know you cleaned the you cleaned the plant i cleaned the plant i left the bed disheveled because i was you know in there yeah i didn't really sleep in there but i was tossing and turning and resting you should you should tell her you didn't sleep in there i i only puked in the plant in there and i rested and i farted in there well i i messaged her back i'm like we just went in there for a little bit to change because there was a smoke alarm beeping in there by the

way the room was unlocked the room was unlocked yeah was there actually a smoke alarm beeping in there there was thanks for asking but she sent me a picture of the bed and she's like this is not just like you didn't just like walk into this room and not use it like you use this room so i'm like are you going to be charging me like through airbnb like i'll dispute the charge like you can't rent out an entire home yeah and then leave a fucking decoy room where it's like i hope you didn't use the room of course i used the room i'm sorry i thought it was a bank error in my favor she didn't tell you anything about it she said no i if that's the rule if it's a charge if you read it's gonna be an extra charge like if you she's like if you read the description of the place it

says one bedroom one bath yeah you went into the second bedroom right i'm like, if you read the description of the place, it says one bedroom, one bath. And you went into the second bedroom. I'm like, what are you fucking trying to trap me? Like, you got me? You got me. You got me. If there's something I can stumble into and incur an extra fee, that has to be laid out plain and simple. That's not, that's unjust oh and and she sent me uh a whole check-in manual like 13 things about like this is the microwave and this is the shower and this is how you use the of course if you want to

use the shower that's an extra five dollars do you connect to the wi-fi that's 15 nothing nothing about this bonus jonas room this scam that she's running where it's a two bedroom but you rent it out as a one bedroom and if you use the bedroom, which is the first one you see, of course, then you incur an extra fee. That's absurd. That is absurd. Honestly, I'm kind of happy. I don't want to say it, but I puked in a fiddly fit. I feel like I preemptively got back right yeah that's called prevenge

yes prevenge and i guess that's what i had because it was a dish best served at burbank airport and it got me completely sick for the entire weekend and i'm still there's still like updates to be had i think i'll have one next week because I haven't received the actual... Will Airbnb just be like, pluck 200... By the way, there's a $180 cleaning fee, and she wants me to move the trash cans for her, which is a whole other problem,

but that's fine. You think Airbnb will just pluck the cash? I think it's a way for the people to make even more money because I don't think she's paying a cleaning person $180 to clean the place. No, and if they are, then move the trash cans. That could be part of the cleaning fee.

Yeah. I think Airbnb is so fucked to me because it's like you pay all of the stuff for a hotel, which does everything for you, and they ask for you to basically do half the work. It's like, oh, can you wash the dishes dishes start the dishwasher uh put your clothes in the in the washer it's like well yeah but why am i all and that's fine but why are you also going to pay someone a hundred dollars for the for the fee when you're helping you it's like yeah i'll pay you the hundred dollars for the fee you give me a little bit of a kickback if i'm gonna have to do my own linens right don't you think and you're gonna tell me about the forbidden room especially if it's unlocked

yeah that's there's a there's a definite like when airbnb first came out they're like yeah fuck hotels like i could stay in someone's house and slowly over the course of the years and definitely now through the pandemic the public sentiment is like airbnb kind of sucks these houses aren't great these people aren't trained in hospitality nobody like knows what to do when things go awry i'm going back to the hotel yeah this is a much better existence and the hotels are like well well well i guess uh i guess this entire business based on like people starting their own hotels didn't turn out so well did it yeah exactly um but do you think airbnb is going to pluck more money from the credit card that I gave them on file? They must have like 10,000s of these petty complaints every day.

Like how are they actually litigating? Yeah. I remember there was like, you can't eventually talk to a person at Airbnb. I remember there was like a, me, you and Marty stayed in like uh an airbnb in new york one time and our review came back and it was like the guys were really clean but they like played loud music one night until 2 a.m and i and it was like we didn't do that we we had like gone to a party at sarah and mike's and we weren't at the house and i was like i got in touch with the guy and I was like, I didn't,

I don't know what you're talking about. And he was like, Oh, I think that was like the guest that stayed after you. Sorry about that. But it was just like on my Airbnb profile that like I played loud music and I was like, that's not good for me. You have to change that.

But he couldn't change it. So we had to like escalate it to Airbnb and be like, this wasn't, this wasn't me he like let him change the uh the review or whatever but they must spend like billions of dollars on humans just to like go through all these fucking petty complaints people have yeah well because all of those all those charges all add up so it makes sense they they have to but yeah i think that they can just charge your card but i feel like you can also dispute that but i've yeah i do also think like in real life the they tend to uh favor the like the landlords the people with the the listings because that's

how they make their their cash you try to skip out of a $70 charge, they're going to be like, I want to actually side with this person with the listing who earns us thousands of dollars a month. $70 a night for the extra room. Nowhere in the listings does it say $70. That's a hidden fee. That's gotcha hospitality.

And if I don't move the trash cans up and down the 28 stairs, I'm paying for that out of pocket too. That's like when they give you the two waters at the hotel, but then if you get anything from the minibar, it's that extra fee. It's that except with an actual room of the house. She leaves it there. She leaves it unlocked.

It seems like it's yours for the taking, but as soon as you open it, that's actually a $19 bag of M&Ms, sir. Congratulations. Absolutely congratulations. You figured it out. I walked into your trap and And I used the room. A little string on the doorknob on the other side.

And if it even gets turned, that's the fee. There's a cookie on the bed. Oh, sorry. You actually went to the cookie. Cha-ching, cha-ching. I didn't see that in the list of rules. You must have slipped your mind. Because you really went into detail about how the coffee maker works.

But you didn't say that it was $70. That if I lied down in the bed in the other room that it was 70 dollars by the way also if it's a one if it's a one bedroom how do you know which bedroom you're even paying for you walk in and it's like yeah i paid for a one bedroom but there are two so i so i lied down on one bed i said nope this one's not the one I'll use. And I went to the other one. Yes. Also, I was telling a buddy of mine, actually a group chat, the story, because everyone likes a good Airbnb anecdote. And he reached out to this person pretending to be interested in booking and Oh my God. And asked about the second bedroom. What did she say? And he's like, so how does the second bedroom work?

And she's like, well, if you don't need it, it's closed and locked. Not locked. It's actually locked. And she asked me in the back and forth that we're having, was the door closed? And I said, it was maybe closed, but definitely not locked. As you can see, there's still evidence of my DNA all over your fiddly fig plant. I think that's what it comes down to. Like, it makes sense that she has a two-bedroom Airbnb that she lists as both a two-bedroom and a one-bedroom.

So she's capturing people looking for both. But if it's not locked, that's... If it's not locked, she if if it's not locked she can't close if it's not locked she can't be shocked is what i was that's really good yeah that's actually really good meanwhile while i was having food poisoning i was looking at your instagram and you're like look at all this pizza i'm eating i'm like oh how is anybody eating cheese right now i It feels so terrible. By the end, I didn't think I could eat pizza anymore either. All right, let's hear about your trip after these messages. I'm still sipping on electrolytes just in case. Yes, you are.

I should say that I'm also leaving to Las Vegas today, which is probably the worst place you should go. Yes, today. Oh, my God. Are you driving? Or JetSuiteX? Very good. Yeah.

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then get a small fry a small drink and a four-piece mcnuggets that's a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money price and participation may vary for a limited time only and we're back um i guess unsolicited advice this week is to tread lightly with airbnb yes that's true especially if i get spiked for this extra 200 for puking in a ficus i deserve that you do owe the you owe them more money for throwing up in the plant but they don't know you don't think that's covered yeah well i guess that's covered in the fee yeah in the cleaning fee that's fair yeah that's fair i also paid the bitch fee yeah that's when i take a dump in another plant how many bathrooms were there one bathroom one bath okay all right cool with a toilet and sink so close together that

it was actually convenient at times but ultimately not necessarily worth it i mean i really feel for avital who had to be there with you that's yeah she was sort of instacarting pepto-bismol at 2 a.m so that was very nice of her she was sort of half asleep taking care of me but also like she couldn't do anything she's like do you need anything i'm like yeah i need this pain to be over yeah i don't know you cursed me i don't know if somebody cursed me. When I had the food poisoning in Paris,

Jill and I were in like a hotel room where it was basic, like it was not like completely open to the bathroom, but you know, it's a smaller space. And I came out at one point from like puking and shitting at the same time. And she was just like lying on the bed with her eye mask on and AirPods in. I'm sorry. Just inhale.

The only person that had it worse than me that night. It's a very dehumanizing thing. You're just like, I'm a baby. I'm going to puke and poop now and i'm hurting there's nothing anyone can do you feel like an animal you're just like i'm an injured animal yeah i did have um the opposite time as you the entire the entire time yeah you spent two weeks sort of living the good life and eating food instead of vacating it. That's right. Yeah. You went to where exactly? We started the trip by going to Lake Como.

So this is me, Jill, her parents, and mine. This was not the honeymoon. Or is it the honeymoon and you guys brought your parents to your honeymoon we we did what everyone does and you bring both parents to the honeymoon as chaperones you gotta we were we've been planning to do our honeymoon in italy and then we like tacked it on to a family trip so the first half of the trip was a family trip. It was Jill's parents, my parents, Jill's best friend, Jill's best friend's husband, and his parents. So that is three sets of parents, two couples, one sibling. Jill's sister was there as well. She's got to come.

Yeah, Jill's sister is not going to miss the trip. No. So yeah. Your brother. And my brother, well, he was there and did not going to miss the trip. No. So, yeah. Your brother. And my brother, well, he was there and did not go on the bike trip. We overlapped with him in Venice for two days at the end of the bike trip. And then again in Praiano on the Amalfi Coast for one day at the very end. I feel like half of my Instagram followers were in Italy last week.

Did you see people you know in Italy? Yes, Jill did run into a friend of hers in Capri. Everyone is there, literally. And you can tell because it is insanely crowded. Why did everyone decide to go to Italy on July 4th, 2022? Their tourism marketing is working. I think that when we were all not traveling because of the whole pandemic thing, people were just romanticizing traveling anywhere.

But I feel like for whatever reason, Italy benefited from having the most wanderlust associated with it because it just looked so peaceful and lovely. Yeah, I mean, the photos are insane. Yeah, it is. It's like one of the most beautiful countries I've ever been to, for sure. Have you ever been to Vegas? Yeah, the Venetian. The exact same.

Yes. It's the exact same. The gondola ride. Yeah. Because it feels like you're outdoors, but you're actually indoors. Which is better because it's temperature controlled because Venice was was hot oh was it it was so hot yeah there was basically there was kind of like a heat wave in italy i was when we got to the bike trip i was like the first day we got there it's through this company called backroads which is lovely

they basically plan all of these like uh active adventure style trips including i think bikes like bike trips are their main thing so we did this trip it's like five or six days from parma to verona um and every single day is like a different bike ride. You can do as little as like 10 miles. You can do as much as like 40 or 50. And they basically just follow you around with a van and give you everything you could possibly want. There's like a nut station. Every day I made myself a big like bag of trail mix with M&Ms in it. They follow you around with a nut station?

Yeah, they do follow you around with a nut station? Yeah, they do follow you around with a nut station. So there's a guy who just bikes next to you with a bunch of nuts? There are three guys. They're not all the nut guys, but they're all in charge of the nuts and other things. So you have two group leaders.

Our guys were Tomasz and Gigi. Just two strapping internationals. A Polish gent. Tomasz and Gigi. Just two strapping internationals. A Polish gent. Tomasz, stop looking at my wife. You're flirting with my mother, Gigi. And Tomasz, I could use a few more walnuts if you could stop groping my wife. He's leaning against the wall talking to Jill.

So no pistachios today? How does that work? They're professionals, but they are really hot and super fit, jacked, tan. Yeah, because all they do is bike and have nuts. Yeah, exactly. They have abs and almonds and you have m&ms do you guys have skittles he's making fucking almond butter on his abs

the lonely and horny episodes just write themselves oh my god my god you flipping over the handlebars i'm wearing a singlet that says ussr on it only riding in the van with your bike strapped to the top we were running low on nuts and i was running low on energy and now i'm carsick thank you so like all of the all of the stops are planned by the guides so you like will bike to a farm uh or a winery and you'll have like this gorgeous buffet lunch laid out for you so you pull up your bike you hang it up they take your helmet they give you water they give you nuts there's fruits there's drinks yeah you cool down i did a river rafting trip like this once and it's like oh you know they give you the oars but then everything else is taken care of yeah because you don't actually know how to do the others yeah

exactly it's kind of like when we went fishing in mexico or it's like you cast you cast but you're biking you are actually biking but like when you get back they're taking care of everything else yeah it's it was the opposite of like my bike trip that i went on with my brother where we like at the end of the day we had like put the bikes in the vans we had we popped a tire we had to deal with it ourselves we were like we're eating at gas stations whatever this was every like we ate at a Michelin star restaurant. You basically cycle from one castle to another castle, to like beautiful hotels, villas. So every night you're just in a different gorgeous fucking place.

Yeah, it was incredible. So we had the, those are the good things. Great locations, great bikes. The bikes are really good. We did have two casualties. We lost Gigi to a house fire. Right. So Jill's best friend's husband had a fall and Gigi died in a fire.

Wait, casualties as in accidents? Yeah, yeah. I mean, the first day, I was just like a little scared because I'm like, I'm cycling with my mom and her and I are out. Yeah, they don't bike for 50 miles

like you do every weekend, Lizzo. They're just casual bikers. Yeah, casual bikers. My mom rides her bike around Nantucket. My dad will sometimes ride his bike to work um and aside from that like yeah they've never been to italy before biking and these country roads um the elevations high it's yeah it's an exercise totally and it was hot and the sun was out and i was biking with my mom and she's feeling good but then at one point we're like on a hill and she's like i think i need to rest and i was like oh

i hope you're not dead i'm scared because what happens now gg either you have nuts but you don't have a fucking defibrillator there's only and that was the first day and i was like oh man but then she was fine we got there me and my mom got there first um some people had like taken the van from lunch so they were they're already there then like jill showed up her friend ramey her friend chris um and chris's parents yes of course chris's parents obviously and then jill's sister and then just like waiting for my dad just like out there i was like um i'm sure he's fine i'm sure he's fine we wait five minutes still not there it's like nightfall and i'm like yeah everything is fine i'm just gonna go i'm gonna ride out and see if he's close and as i'm riding

out i'm like i'm gonna see a bike in a ditch i've killed my father and my mother. Actually, this is a perfect cliffhanger. Oh. Because we need to take another break. Oh, I love that. And people will have to listen to these ads now because they want to know what happened to your father. Actually, he wasn't in any of the photos that I saw. So the plot really thins.

My dad was the van on this trip. He was Gigi the whole time. All right. Let's take a break, come back, and thank some sponsors. And then we'll hear about how this tale concluded. That's right. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

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or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each

other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

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So again, you go to squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thankarespace all right we're back um unique episode we're just catching each other up that's on um our lives over the course of late june into early july when last we left jake was looking for his dear old dad while i was in a lukewarm bath 18 000 miles away i guess 70 in the hole i didn't even know about uh okay so you drive you ride back to see your papa yeah

first thing i realize is as i'm as i'm driving back i seeasz, and he's coming back. And he's like, he's in tears. Bad news, Jake. And I'm Italian, so I'm never actually upset. Polish, actually. But yeah, so as I was going back, I was like, oh, yeah. Like, there's guides. There's leaders. They're making sure my dad isn't dead.. Yeah, right. So they, so yeah, he like goes kind of like up and down the line of riders. It's really funny, because like, I don't know, I thought that like, I was a good bike rider. And then like, I would just be riding with Tomas. And then he'd be like, Oh, all right, I'm gonna go and check on everybody. And then he would just ride away at like 100 miles per hour without breaking a sweat and then ride back to you yeah

just like catch me in in no time um there was one time where i was like about to go down a very steep hill and he was like telling me about like some of the turns and he was like there's some loose gravel here whatever and as i was riding down i was like oh so he rode down then back up to talk to us to give us fucking advice yeah but you know what i bet he can't host nad pod actually yeah he plays uh dwarven mage um and he jesus on critical role holy shit they're popular but my so he's like your dad's just behind us and then i went i saw my dad and i was like how's it going and he's like it's hard we've all been there all day one where i was just like oh my god they're not you know i i i i overestimated my parents but by the end of the trip my mom and dad were like

they did the full ride they were like feeling really good it was it was really lovely to see them like go from that like apprehensive first day to like by the end they're just like in it you know i have a beautiful photo of them like riding um across like the last stretch holding hands it was wow really sweet that seems really hard even just to do yeah it's pretty it was pretty impressive from someone who can barely ride holding anything yeah i can't imagine one hand on the handlebar or the other one on a bike or on the holding hand on another person holding a bike yeah it was really it was definitely impressive and then like the things that went awry were one jill lost her cell phone um oh which was kind of scary but

gg found it no problem there's no issue uh took the van out into the middle of the italian countryside like knocked on doors got it brought it back knocked on doors yeah like we had he canvassed yeah we basically had the general we got back to the room jill's like my phone's not here i'm she loses her phone so often that i was just like there's i was like oh no but i knew that she was gonna find it in three seconds um yeah she's like no it's like it's gone it's like oh man uh i wonder if it's you know in this bag just like thinking she's gonna find it any second so then it's actually gone um and i'm like okay so like i'll just i have like the find my friends thing on your phone it's no big deal i'm sure you left it we had like been to a parmesan cheese factory that day

it's just there in parm with parm it was in parma um so so we look and i it just says no location found i was like oh so your phone actually did just get stolen it's gone but then wow um i thought it was gone and then it sent a ping of like this location it's just the middle of nowhere on this road that we had rode on so it's like oh so it fell out of her bag um and gg goes to the location but then like the location gets lost again i'm trying to send like the exact gps coordinates but it looks like it moved up the street i was like wait someone like does someone have the phone and it turned out that like someone had found it and was driving their car around looking for us uh looking for someone wow looking for the phone. Wow, a good Samaritan. So then they eventually found Gigi crawling around in a ditch.

This is all while Jill and I are, like, making pasta. I made a gnocchi. Three Italian grandmothers behind you sweating. Is this a tortellini? Yours is clearly falling apart. And then I eat a perfect tortellini, and an hour later, like, wow, I know what I'm doing. Bella. So we thought that was like the most annoying thing that we could have done to the leader guys.

But then the next day, Chris's dad dislocated his pinky when he fell on like a hairpin turn. And then the day after that, Chris like had a bad wipe out and needed to get stitches in his shoulder and stitches. Yeah. Shoulder and his hand and like had a gash like down the front of his face on the last day. Oh,

terrible. I guess that's better than the first day. Yeah, definitely. He basically got the full trip except for the very last dinner. That must happen a lot if you're like on a nine-person trip and they're all just like, you know, non-professional riders and going 100 miles. Someone's going to fall once. I did.

Yeah, I asked the guys. I was like, what's like, is this? We had gone to the emergency room twice. And I was like, is that normal on the trip? And they're like, you know, it happens. This one is a lot. It doesn't happen. I think we did the, we definitely got the over.

Over. Yeah. That's like, have you ever done the river rafting thing? It's like the same thing, but like there's river rafting guides that take you and do all this stuff. I have not done the river. I've never been river rafting. I've always wanted to go. Oh, we should do that. It's very fun. You would like would like it it's very physical and also but just on a river so you're also having fun yeah anyway one of the risks is that the whole thing flips over

and like that could happen because it's rapids depending on how insane the rapids are like has that happened like and they're like it rarely rarely happens only one time in like the 40 year history did like someone like you know die like that's still seems kind of i don't want to risk that at all like should we just do a canoe thing with no rapids then let's do the lazy river then i don't want to risk it i would definitely the river is not worth it i would definitely do a rapids thing with you though that'd be great yes and it's also like it's the exact same thing it's like you're on a raft with like six other people there's another one and then behind you is like five professionals with all the food all the tents they're landing setting up a stove making food feeding you guys doing the dishes reload everything, and then you're like,

I'm a fucking outdoorsman. Hold your oars. I'll take the picture while I'm making you guys a fucking omelet on the raft. Yeah. That's the way I want to travel now in my old age. The White Lotus style. Yeah.

Alright, but you know what? We both survived. We did. I've got more Italy stories, but we'll save them for next week. And you'll have Vegas stories by then, too. Yeah. I assume I'll have COVID by next weekend, quite frankly, because I'm going to a hot spot. It's a terrible time to go there, but this was planned months months out and there's no turning back now yeah so i'll either be telling you guys my tale of woes and coves or i'm gonna be feeling great and we'll discuss more yeah i feel like you're gonna win a bunch of money and get covid so that'll be it'll be like kind of god a yin and yang thing or lose a lot and not get covid

that'd be the worst the worst would be the two bad options yeah lose and covid no that's not good i think what would you rather have winning get covid or lose money and not can i choose the kind of covid i get like can i have the kind where like i feel better in a few days and it was not that big of a deal it would be ten thousand dollars ten thousand dollars and long covid yeah i have an inhaler now but for ten thousand dollars i'd have to take it i think so especially if i'm able to outsmart the pit boss i'm rolling really hot on the dice right you're counting cards i'm getting kicked out the only reason you get covet is because the guy beating you up in an alley also had it i just hope like that guy who wiped out on your trip i get it on the last day i'd be sad to get sick on day two of a four-day bachelor party yeah definitely

you guys are staying in a hotel airbnb what's your plan we're doing an airbnb two-bedroom but there's 12 of us and we're not allowed access to the backyard right no it's a it's we're doing hotel we got to stay in a hotel it's vegas is all just hotels yeah it's made for this shit exactly cool uh okay that's it that's our time again we really implore you guys to send us your theme song and questions i know we didn't get to any today but we are still going to be answering the problem is we had so many advice questions of our own this episode, so we didn't get to any of your own. But if you have, send them all down to ifireashow at gmail.com.

That's right. And we're also making videos on our Patreon, patreon.com slash ja. The most recent one was a Jake and Amir trivia game where I was asking you questions. Oh, yeah. That was fun and i think we got a lot of questions that we can ask for the next episode in which you're asking me jake and amir trivia love it so hopefully that's something we keep up yeah hopefully you guys keep it up too great job everybody congratulations awesome for making it this far and uh we'll be back next week uh which will be uh july 18th no

july 18th is this episode july 25th wow how time flies summer's almost over no it's not okay cool yeah uh all right let's hear that theme song again it's the all the small things wet dreams dry days dry days and one time, shout out to Fate on Shuffle. That's right. Fate on Shuffle slash Spotify. Subscribe. Don't miss our next drop. Rate and subscribe.

All right, let's hear the song one more time. Wet dreams. Dry days. Jerking off with mayonnaise i love using hellman sauces lube and i bet mad dame knows it too for advice on your biggest woes email into if i were you, show no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, That was a Hiddem Original. pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

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