Segments - 587: Leave Me Hanging (w/Allison Williams!)

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

Friend and favorite guest Allison Williams joins us to discuss haircuts, cafeterias, and M3gan 2. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662.

Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Fuck yeah. Yes, you love it if i were if i were if i were The meaning's sincere Your roommate's bugging and you need a friend Sex and fights are just keeping up with trends These dudes will give you what you need to know Stuff all the colds and just relax, enjoy the show

If I were, if I were, if I were you If I were, if I were, if I were you The seven lights won't take in the mirror They'll make your whole street If I were, if I were, if I were you. It's a surprise from Jake and Amir. They'll make your hopes clear. It's a landscape by transom clear. It's a myth of meaning sunset. Sick riff. Jake, your dog is sniffing me.

Get him, Bingo. Get help me. Sick him, bud. We're back with Alison Williams. Hi. Holy smokes. Holy hot. How long has it been?

Seven, eight, nine years since you've done the show? There's no way to know. It's impossible to find out. I will know but i've missed you both even though i i text you all the time any anytime i listen which is sometimes yeah we'll say your name on the podcast to just test and i always say i'm still listening monday it's incredible my friends and family have stopped listening years ago and yet you you still persevere. Which I think means that I am your friend and family. Yeah. At the very least, higher than them. Yeah.

And tied. I guess at the very least tied, but probably higher than them. Like a goddess figure, maybe. Exactly. Yeah. Like a deity of some kind. Yes. Our first episode that we recorded together was not too far from here, right?

It was like at a hotel in Chelsea. Was that the first? Yeah, I guess so. I don't know if that was the first. The first one was in Brooklyn. Yeah, at Rec Room. That's right. And then the second one

was at the Chelsea Hotel. I think so. When the microphones were working. Have we only done two? I thought we've done three. No, we have done three. The third, when was the third one?

Was it in LA? Let's do like a little bit of dead air while we think of it. I thought two were at Rec Room and then three was in the hotel. Oh, so where was the first one? Could one of them been in college humor ic building oh the ic building maybe did you guys ever record the pod there yeah no no we did yeah

no no we did no no yeah we could easily find out but let's not someone knows the answer to this that's listening and this is a horrible we just have just have to Google, if I were you, Alison Williams, we'd be able to tell. Yeah, I could literally be like 12 keystrokes away from figuring it out. But where's the fun in that? Yeah, no, let's try to help figure it out. This is compelling. Even Dingo wants to leave. Dingo's done.

Let me out of this room. Dingo's trying to skip ahead. It's funny because he's happy. He's happy as he's struggling to leave. Yeah. Okay, this is what? Episode 587, whatever. He's happy as he's struggling to leave. Okay. This is what? Episode 587, whatever.

There's like three episodes left. So we had to bring you back. Wild. Thank you so much for having me. It's a real honor. Four Timers Club. Big. Made it at the buzzer.

Yeah, I guess so. That was the goal from the beginning. I was like, I want to do this show exactly four times. And we all look exactly the same. We do, more or less. Yeah. A lot of life has happened. Are you okay? No, I'm fine.

Jake is an emotional support dog in the studio. I need this. This is Dingo's debut. It is Dingo's debut. Oh, wait, no, I think he might have come on a Zoom video or something. Yeah, but it's in-studio debut. In-studio debut, for sure. That's exciting. Yeah, for him's in studio debut. In studio debut, for sure.

That's exciting. Yeah. For him? So he's going to be on the next four so we can tie Allison's record, actually. Oh, man, I was just thinking at least I get to beat Dingo. All I've wanted was to beat Dingo.

All I've wanted. Dingo's mathematically boxed out from the four-timers club because there's only three episodes left. Well, he made an appearance on Zoom. It doesn't count. Tell him it doesn't count.

Of course it counts. Like, is this crazy? This is our strongest episode yet. I can already tell. Oh, I should probably say who wrote that theme song. Yeah, it was awesome.

I'm a newish fan to the podcast. Oops. Uh-oh. Tough news. Sorry, bud. Well, at least there's a big back catalog.

There's a huge back catalog for you. And we are incentivizing people a big back catalog. There's a huge back catalog for you. And we are incentivizing people to check him out. I'm not even sure if this is the right place to do this. I was getting some Wiener schnitzel last night, and this popped in my head, so I recorded it this morning. Oh, my God. That's so impressive.

Have you guys been to a Wiener schnitzel? The hot dog chain restaurant? Oh, no. Did he capitalize it? Yeah, he capitalized Wiener schnitzel. Oh, I thought it was great. Okay. So that's a restaurant named Oh, no. Did he capitalize it? Yeah, he capitalized Wiener Schnitzel. Oh, I thought it was right. Okay. So that's a restaurant named after a food.

Yeah. And they don't even serve Wiener Schnitzel as far as I'm concerned. I think they just serve hot dogs. Yeah. Tacos. I'm Amir's age and I used to be in a band way back when. I strum guitar a few times a month, but generally don't do anything with music anymore. So this was kind of fun.

It was great. It was excellent. Really nice. a month but generally don't do anything with music anymore so this was kind of fun it was great too excellent especially to have done in a morning like it's very impressive after a wienerschnitzel imagine getting two hot dogs that night waking up and just strumming this shit he's like gonna eat

wienerschnitzel from now on I would imagine day late leftover wienerschnitzel did he want us to plug anything or just wiener schnitzel? Yeah, there was a YouTube page. He has an endorsement deal actually with wiener schnitzel. Starter Kit Ray appears to be the name of this YouTube page. I don't know if there's music on here, but oh dear God.

That's the theme again. Starter Kit Ray. Shout out to Starter Kit Ray. Cool. I owe you guys for the fact that my, I recently went down like a big, like newfound glory. Like I was back in that. Yeah, because you guys have been talking about it

on the show. And I like just went back into my like dashboard confessional. I like tapped back into the version of myself that was like permanently looking out the backseat window. Oh yeah. Like moody dreaming about a boy who was like unattainably 18 or something. Isn't it crazy how like those things in your life are gone, but you can still tap right into those emotions?

Oh, like instantly. It's so weird. I listened to Hands Down and I am back in like a young teenage body like with so many feelings. Yeah. And years away from ever having any kind of sex. Right, then you can turn it off. Imagining that it's right around the corner. Yeah, you could turn it off and like,

oh yeah, great. Now I have a wife and a house. Yeah. But I still feel the feelings. Well, I don't have a wife and a house, but I have other things. You'll get there. It must be nice.

It must be nice to have a wife and a house. A wife and a house and an apartment. So way to rub it in. I fucked up and to have a wife and a house. A wife and a house and an apartment. So way to rub it in. I fucked up and accidentally have a male fiance and a baby and a house and a dog. So what did you revisit? All of that. Like that entire genre. Yeah.

Dashboard. I kind of let my Spotify. I was like, you know what to do. And they were like, yeah, we do. And so I was back in it. But it even went into like Andrew WK a little bit. Whoa. And I was like, oh my God.

Yeah, we're in it. It's so fun. Yeah, it was really fun to be back in that. I know that some people didn't leave. I just, my, I can't take that in every day. Right. And so it's like a little dessert trip. Yeah.

Like some trips I would go on, that would be the soundtrack to my trip. Just a shot of angst. Yeah. It's a really nice way to start the day. Did you, yeah. I was going to say, did you hear, I don't know if we released the episode yet

about us talking about this idea for a musical. Have we? The idea that we're like, okay, we're I don't know if we released the episode yet about us talking about this idea for a musical. Have we? The idea that we're like, okay, we're done with the podcast. This is the true test if Allison still listens to the podcast. I don't think so. I believe that you have not. Yeah, yeah. All right, we haven't released it yet.

Our idea is that, okay, let's write a musical based in the 90s so we can use these pop punk songs to sort of tell a story. Oh, I love that idea. I'm an investor. I've produced it. We're winning a Tony. It's incredible. There idea. I'm an investor. I've produced it. We're winning a Tony. It's incredible. There we go. The next podcast.

It's perfect. No, the TDAP, I think, was the last one that you released. Yeah. Oh, wow. Your near-death experience. Yeah. My sister and my dad

just talked to me about that. So I know that it just came out. Yeah. Does your mom still listen too? My mom, I think she listens, but my dad is the big listener now. Really? He listens to and from work.

Wow. Well, he missed the part of the years that you spent just shitting on him mercilessly. Dad, if you're listening, don't go to the back catalog. Don't listen. I love you, bud. It was all mommy, mommy, mommy, and now he's in a real daddy state. And now mommy doesn't listen anymore. That's unbelievable.

Well, she doesn't drive as much as she did. So yeah. Didn't you call him, she doesn't drive as much as she did. So yeah. Didn't you call him, and again, earmuffs. Didn't you refer to him usually as like a crustacean of some kind? I think a gourd. Yeah. Yeah, pumpkin. So not a crustacean.

What is a gourd? What is coral except for a dried out gourd of the ocean? Yeah, a crab is kind of like a squash. Right. He's sort of like. He's a seahorse. Yeah. He's an anemone and an enemy and an anomaly

an enemy an enemy getting an enema of the state yes dude let's go i remember that cd i felt like i shouldn't have been allowed to have like even just the cover art of it it was a picture in my head yeah nothing was funnier than like the music video where they're naked i was like this just the cover art of it I can picture it in my head nothing was funnier than like the music video where they're naked I was like this is the craziest thing I've ever seen MTV was wild I miss those horny music videos me too I used to go to the Blink 182 shows

and I guess a famous thing was that a woman would flash them is that like a Blink thing specifically no I think that's just like a I think that's just what it's like to be a musician I think that just happens when you do music i probably saw boobs for the first time at a concert right somebody was on a lady was on a guy's shoulders and she would flash yeah you know what i think i feel like it happened for like the rolling stones but mick jagger wasn't like look tits yeah but like like tom and mark would shout it out yeah yeah so didn't encourage it in other shows. Dingo. Where are you going?

He can't go anywhere. Does he have a chill mode or is he too young? He's too young. This is as chill as he gets. He won't lie down until it's bedtime. He's not bouncing off the walls. Yeah. That's so funny.

Someday you're going to sleep 18 hours a day. I can't wait for that, buddy. No, enjoy this. Yeah, I like this too. If you guys are watching, you can see Dingo if you're listening. We'll just describe his each and every move. He's sniffing a table at this point, sort of walking around.

Jake's petting him. Yeah. He's a good boy. He's a 90-pound, 7-foot-tall golden doodle. Is he 9? No, he's like 75 pounds. He is really tall. When he stands on his hind legs, we can dance shoulder to shoulder.

Yeah. And we do. And we do. We do. Should we answer questions or is it not that kind of podcast? It is. I've been missing, I mean, no shade,

but I miss the questions. Yeah, the questions. That is the number one complaint we get. Really? Yeah. Jake and Amir talk too much and they're not answering questions. There's no more. Yeah, we don't answer questions and we only do ads. They, the question. That is the number one complaint we get. Really? Yeah. Jake and Amir talk too much and they're not answering questions.

There's no more, yeah, we don't answer questions and we only do ads. They keep coming back. They keep coming back. Thanks. Actually, Athletic Greens is sponsoring this part

of the complaint. Right, this isn't a break. This isn't, yeah. A sponsored segment. I'm going to take these headphones off at this point. I don't have to hear anything except for myself.

Well, should I take them off? I'm not going to hear anything except for myself. Well, should I take them off? I'm not going to be the only one on. Yeah, I'm taking them off. Oh, it's so different now. Wow. Now I'm just going to get lulled into this false sense of security. Now it feels like we're not doing a podcast. Yeah, exactly.

What if I took them off and a little ponytail came out? Should we put them on dingo? A lot has changed in the last few years. Shaking out a rat tail. I shake off my ponytail. My long hair. I got a buzz cut on her. It's no longer on.

All right. We have a lot of options. Maybe I can give you some titles slash subject lines that you can choose. Is there a game afoot? Oh. Oh. Oh.

There's actually not. Oh, sorry. I'm just asking oh oh back into the coffin um alright I don't know

is there is there one you love um I don't love any of these but I'm down to love the one we're with

love the one you pick yeah love the one she picks uh here's uh yeah I mean there's some pretty solid ones okay ghosts from friendships past that one sounds up our alley great why because we're not friends anymore in a way we all had a really bad falling out we'll talk about it

later we have a terrible way falling out a come to jesus moment a come to dingo moment uh all right this is from i want to say it's a lady so we need a fake lady's name well um dingo dingo dingo you have a sister it's actually a man i messed up it's a it's a boy talking about a girl asking him to love her ding. You have a dad? I have no imagination today for names. What's dingo but a man? Dingo. Dingo. I think dingo sounds kind of cool.

My former best friend's sister came back to town. Former best friend's sister. So imagine your old best friend's sister. Yeah, got it. Came back to town in 2017 and I developed feelings for her after hanging out where she constantly expressed doubts about her current relationship. Oh no. A year and a half later,

she ended her relationship with her boyfriend and I asked her out. But she started acting uncomfortable during and after the date and eventually avoided me altogether. A month later, during our drug-induced

moment of courage and clarity, I called my former best friend and found out that he drunkenly spilled the beans to his sister beforehand regarding my feelings, which made her uncomfortable, but she said nothing to me. And that was in 2019, and I was visiting with him, but he informed me that my former best friend was coming over to visit too, at which point I left early to avoid conflict. So this is a separate friend saying he was going to bring the former best friend,

whose sister this person dated. So none of them are friends anymore? This is four years ago at this point. They haven't seen each other in four years? Since 2019. 2019. Yeah, but then it was flash forward to now, and my only remaining friend was in town, so I had a visit with him, This is four years ago at this point. They haven't seen each other in four years? Since 2019. Yeah. But then it was flash forward to now and my only remaining friend was in town.

So I had a visit with him and he wanted to bring the former best friend. Okay. I could tell my friend and his wife were disappointed that I left and it's straining our relationship. Oh my God, these people are married. There are days. To the sister? Yes, he married a sister. There are days that I feel that if I moved across the state and changed phone numbers, I would be forced to move on completely from my old life and make new friends and possibly meet someone.

Should I sever the last vestiges that bind me to this town and start anew? Even if it means hurting my only remaining friend? Am I being overly dramatic about this whole scenario? Any help, thoughts, or advice would be appreciated thanks love dingore i'd say yeah i would say you're being dramatic if you feel like your only option is to move and change your whole identity change your number yeah change your number you could just not talk to anyone and still live in the same house that could work he has a wife uh no he doesn't sound like he sounds like the friend has a wife

the friend has a wife yeah okay so basically i was i thought we were listening to one story and it turns out we're listening so basically like the preamble about the friend was just like a way of describing the falling out yeah so the sister is completely out of the picture yeah seems like caught feelings i thought that was gonna be what this was about yeah and maybe it is yeah maybe it is deep down i think he sounds like well first of all very avoidant but also a catastrophizer which like same good words and catastrophizer that's like making a bigger deal out of something yeah because usually rooted in anxiety which again is my affliction yeah i'm the opposite what's the opposite of a catastrophizer? So like something terrible

is happening and I don't feel affected. It's disassociated. Yes, exactly. What is it when you have both? Because I think small annoying things that happen to me

are the worst thing ever and when big things happen to other people I think it's nothing. Oh, sociopath. I think that's just a sociopath. Yeah, yeah. Okay, good.

So we're all diagnosed and it's super helpful. It's about time we diagnosed ourselves 10 years into this podcast. That should be the second to last episode. You have someone come on to diagnose you. It could be sponsored by BetterHelp.

That's perfect. Oh, my God. We should cancel the show. They're like, you're beyond help. We're launching a new thing called Beyond Help. Beyond Help. For you, too. Helpless.

It's good. It's like a sequel to Smartless. I think. Good. What was the statement? um it's good it's like a sequel to smartless i think okay um i think maybe i would try to like get perspective on it which might mean like stepping away from that town for a little if you can go visit a family member somewhere else or something yeah and then i think coming back to it you'd feel like you can let those things go, especially if people have gotten married and moved on.

It feels like a lot of life has happened and you can kind of leave it in the past potentially. You could also look for new friends in your town. Maybe he feels like he can't. Yeah, definitely feels like that. Yeah. Oh, I see what you mean. It's possible. Well, he's from Miami, so it's a pretty small little town in southern Florida. Is he really from Miami?

He could move to Atlanta. Move to Fort Lauderdale. Have you guys ever changed your phone number? I tried. I started to and then it got busy. So now I just have two phones and it's chaos. You have two phones? Two phones for no reason. Only because I was

halfway through changing the number I've always had. And then, not even halfway, maybe like a third of the way through and then seven of the digits and you're like i can't let go of these last three i'll miss the area code fuck i did feel that way i have a 917 and a 203 and i feel that allegiance to the connecticut area i'll never leave the 203 i don't think i can either but so now i just have two phones and it's... Unnecessary. The idea of like fully changing gave me a lot of anxiety. I feel very... Yeah, because like at one point like

my phone is like the same one literally since 1998. Like I've had the same phone number for 25 years. Yeah, I've always had that number. So anybody that's ever met me can text me, but then I'm like, I'm getting all these like random calls from like... You're so famous. I'm so famous. And you published your number. that's what i published and i tweeted it it's everywhere you doxed yourself bro that's the problem but now like i don't want to change it because then

nobody can contact me like what if i get a new phone number the thing people say is they'll find you which i guess is true yeah i can always email yeah there is way typically, but then you think of that one exception. You're like, all right, I'm not doing it. Right. Yeah. I mean, could you just, you get all your contacts on the new phone, right? Yeah, you can. Exactly.

You can always text other people. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So every once in a while, you just scroll through everybody and you're like, oh, I want to reach out to this person. Yeah. The problem is I have like 800 numbers on my phone and I probably text nine people.

Yeah. I feel like I like my number. But if I could get access to a really good number, I would change it. Don't say your number. Based on the phone number? Don't say your number, but like what's it like? And also is it similar to your social security number?

Not quite. My social security number is kind of GOAT. So is mine, I love mine. Cool, let's compare. Let's compare. What's, not sorry, what's your phone number? Not like what is it actually, but like what's mine i love mine cool let's compare um what's what not sorry what's your phone number not like what is it actually but like right it's kind of like it's got like a sing-song beginning kind of like uh do do do yeah does that's just your area code is that just because

there's three numbers in a row yeah i got news for you it's kind of like well all right so the first three numbers countdown yeah pretty cool that's cool So it's not 987, but like it could be. Something akin to that. Like 654. It's a countdown, right? But like, yeah, not necessarily right in order, but like. So it's not like 654, it's like 631. It's more like 641.

It's descending. Yeah, yeah. It just descends. Okay. Yeah. But kind of like a little bit better. It's like 652-ish. But not exactly because we don't want to like give it out yeah so it's adjacent to six five two yeah and then the the

next part is like count it's two numbers that count up right so it's not like six five six six right it could be exactly yeah so it's like seven three one six five six six exactly that actually is really dope yeah that's actually really dope. What do you think of that phone number? I think it sounds like a phone number, which is in and of itself very cool. I'm going to reserve my judgment for when I can hear it. Or I actually have it. So I'm just going to look at it. I'm going to admire it. Mine's the first eight digits of pi, so I don't want to get rid of it. Really? That's kind of cool, actually. Here's a crazy phone number story. It's an insane coincidence, but it doesn't really matter. So it doesn't sound crazy. But just know that this actually happened. So the odds of it happening are very slim. And it's true. What I'm going to

tell you is actually. Not too much build up. My friend who's married to my other friend, they got their phone numbers before they really knew each other, but their phone numbers are almost identical. So like one is like 2528685, and the other one is 2128586. And now they're married, and they have like a nearly identical phone number. That's crazy.

I thought you were going to say they were one digit off. Not one digit off. Not one digit off. It's like close. High standards. But one digit off is almost less crazy. That story would have been interesting without all of the lead up, I think. The preamble. You said this is interesting because it actually happened.

And it's true. I said it's actual. It's actual. It's factual. It's actual. And it really happened. And to a friend of mine. And it's real. That's right. And it's obviously. It's actual. It's factual. It's actual. And it really happened to a friend of mine and it's real. That's right. And it's obviously not that exact number.

This is based on a true story. This is loosely based on true events. Right. Yeah. They both have a phone number, but it's not the same one. Anyway, should this guy move to a different city? Why not get a fresh start? That's what we're doing.

We're stopping the show, starting a new one, fresh start. Yeah. I wouldn't move. I feel like moving is a big deal but if you want to move for other reasons like let this be part of the the reasons yeah maybe you could try an incremental life change like get a get a cool haircut or get a new wardrobe buy a new pair of shoes get like something that will feel like a change without actually having to like leave everything i wonder if the shoes or hobby yeah i got a new needle well well i got new shoes and i went from a new balance to an asic and things are feeling really different is so sick asic is basic really yeah well what if he just commits hard to like a crock? Yes. In all settings. Crock and sock? Yeah, a crock and sock.

With no gibbets. Yeah, you can't. Don't undo the sock. You don't know what a gibbet is? No. It's the little gems that you poke into the top of the crock. You're a mean girl now. You fucking loser.

This is a scene from the musical. Oh, that's good. It's the guy feeling like really left out because he doesn't know what that is yeah exactly it's the little gem that you put into the top of the crock the entire cafeteria cracks up at him oh man a cafeteria scene so good did you you loved being in a cafeteria

yeah yeah I can feel oh yeah your aneurysm you pretended you loved being in a cafeteria? Yeah. Yeah. I can feel your eagerness. Any area, really. You pretended to make it about a scene, but really you just started missing it. I just want to be back in a cafeteria. You want a plastic tray? You want a tray? Oh, I want a plastic tray.

No portion control. Yeah. Yeah. It's just a fucking slop of mac and cheese and a piece of pizza. Every day. Oh, yeah. A literal. My dad gives me a buck so I can get a Coke.

Are you kidding me? Whoa, whoa, whoa. My high school didn't have a cafeteria. What? My high school did not have a cafeteria. Did you eat lunch? What did it do instead? All the little boys and girls brought their lunch from home. So your mommy had to make you lunch every day? Yes, she did. What was it? It was a salami sandwich with chips and a drink. Every day? Yes, every day. A salami sandwich for lunch and a drink every day? Yes, every day. A salami sandwich for lunch

every day? No cheese. Like literally bread, salami bread. Well, when you say it like that. Is there a sauce or a spread? If you say mayo, I'm going to throw up. Never had a sauce or a spread. Sometimes there would be a hummus and a pita, but mostly, yeah, salami.

And I think I brought this up before. Yeah, chips. And a drink. What kind of drink? Baked lays. Baked lays? Baked lays, yeah. Those were around when you were a kid? Yeah. Yeah, they were around. Wait a second, what drink? I asked you about the drink, asshole.

It was mostly bottled water. Bottled? Come on. Yeah, I wasn't a soda kid. We didn't know better. Yeah. I wasn't a soda kid. We didn't know better. We couldn't know better. No fruit, no veggie, no side. Yeah, there was an occasional sliced apple in there. Sliced apple. If necessary.

What kind of lunchbox were you working? It was a bag. It was almost like a freezer bag, you know, like a blue, almost like a Velcro-y. Actually, in high school, my dad made me chicken salad. Actually, I wasn't done. My dad made me chicken salad every day of the week. And it did have grapes in it. Yeah.

And it did have raisins next to it. It had bacon in it, actually. Wow, really? Did it really? Chicken salad with bacon. That sounds more really good. It was really good. Wow.

It was really good. And I think smart food. That's popcorn next to it. No. I'm saying chicken salad is smart food because you can batch make it i also had popcorn it was cheddar popcorn but i don't remember the residue on my fingers i can't place what it was called pirate's booty as far as the eye can see what did you have a baloney sandwich i had I had a cafeteria experience so I didn't have packed lunches

other than camp day camp and stuff so you just go to school without a lunch and then buy it when you're there or they give it to you for free? it was for free

because the school would cost money so it wasn't paid so you're paying for the education you're paying for the education they throw in the food yeah I'm sure you pay for some of the food as well

yeah but I remember eating you make the weird it should not be loud like they should not let children choose their meals i used to eat like i'd fill up one of the things with olive oil and just dump like a ton of salt into it and i get like a portuguese roll and i would just dip it in there and that was like my lunch and like cottage cheese with balsamic vinegar like i want

to throw up so nasty that sounds kind of good to me but then i'd watch it teachers trays and they would just like lump everything together like mixing nothing was in a section and it just seemed so nasty to me yeah i think it was just salad i didn't know what it looked like right did they give salad to kids or they didn't even bother it was there if you wanted it yeah that was always like the most adult children were the ones that were like junior and senior year of high school i went to private school and that was our lunch experience you you went through like a buffet line and you could get whatever you wanted i would skip everything and just get a sandwich every single day yeah at my high school i think they were into like portion control so the spoons they had for things

were tiny yeah sort of a messed up yeah it is interesting yeah fucked up actually you know like the little ice creams that you can get and then it's like the spoon is attached to the cap. The little hood ones. Yeah, and it's like a little plat, like a wooden, like, stick. Amir ate the spoon at lunch. It's not a spoon. Don't say that this is a spoon. That's how they scooped granola.

That's how I ate soup from a fucking half of a Popsicle stick. Yeah, exactly. All right, let's take a break. Hope this guy figures his shit out yeah maybe move maybe get some crocs I think we got I think we saved his ass definitely if you move get crocs yes and

do some therapy yeah how about crocs regardless maybe therapy maybe move therapy regardless okay fine yeah crocs also regardless therapy is for everyone therapy is the greatest therapy one crocs. Therapy one, crocs two, move distant third.

Yeah. Change the number. I think even if you move, keep the number. Yeah, you guys might as well. Yeah, just keep your number. You don't have to change it. And if necessary, get a new phone. Change yourself, keep your number.

Get a new phone. Two phones. New phone. Yeah, two phones. Almost change your number. Get a second number you pay for. Two phones. iPad, cross. Yeah, two phones. Almost change your number. Get a second number you pay for. Two phones. Different cell phone carrier.

Don't move, but get a pita terror in the next town over. That's really nice. Make your life way more expensive. Two apartments, two phones. 10x your budget. A secret family, new Crocs, one phone. It's just his only family, but he doesn't want to own it completely, so it's secret. His only family, like an only fan?

Yeah. For incest, yeah. Yeah. Got it. Oh, God. All right, we'll be back after these messages. Oh, come on. This quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash

segments, and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free

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Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer

support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday? Interesting.

Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to

squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial.

Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. I don't know if you guys know this, but life can be low-key stressful or anxious at times. I know I was surprised too. I couldn't believe it, but I turned 40 and I'm like, you know what? Nothing is necessarily easy ever. And talking to a licensed therapist is actually the best way to navigate that. Because in high school, you learn like calculus, but then you don't really know what to do if you're sad. Like they'll teach you geometry, but like, how do I act if my stomach hurts all the time, because I'm really nervous about something and I can't quite pinpoint it. Well, you can

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A podcast hosted by Grammy award-winning R&B artist Bridget Kelly and media personality Mandy B. Every week, Bridget and Mandy offer grown, honest, and slightly toxic perspectives on all things music, pop culture, and of course, love slash dating slash relationships. So if you have a hard time finding new music, or perhaps you're a millennial that misses life in the early 2000s, or you're interested in multiple perspectives on relationships and dating, check them out. See, The Thing Is is a podcast that allows space for a wide range of thoughts and emotions.

They got awesome guests like Big Frito, Remy Ma, Chloe Bailey, and Nao, and more. So if you are in the market for a new podcast in your rotation, check them out. It's called See The Thing Is. And we're back. Allison, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson in the five. Mom, I'm coming. That was gross.

Only family. I say that out loud with the podcast every time. Real fan over here. Yeah. Okay, I've been sitting here. I can't believe I didn't think about this in advance at all. But I have thought of a couple things. i didn't realize i realized that not everyone knows this but as i was sitting here trying to untangle my bracelets if anyone ever ends up with a tangled

bracelet or necklace or something if you take two safety pins you can like kind of carefully untangle them really easily oh that was gonna be mine that was gonna be mine trying to use your like blunt dumb fingers i nails. I love that. I'm going to use it. And you also feel like a jeweler. You feel very meticulous. My fingers are bony and thin, not unlike a safety pin. You kind of have Edward Scissorhand, but it's like Edward toothpick fingers.

Edward paperclip nails. Exactly. They're sexy, by the way. All the better to scratch you in. Oh, God um i just sat here thinking about that that's really good i actually have a really small one like that too which is when you um when you drop something really tiny like if you're um you know maybe like screwing a tiny screw into something yeah and you drop it a lot of people's instinct is to

try to catch it but it's actually better to watch it fall. And then you see where it goes. Yeah, you try to catch it, you're going to miss it. It's too tiny. But you watch it hit the ground, and then you can find it afterwards. That's actually really beautiful if you zoom out a second. Like, don't try to catch it. Just watch it fall. Well, you just said what I said, but you didn't, like,

apply it to a greater thing. No, I'm saying, like, don't even, like, try to catch it. Right. We know what you're saying. But we're still talking about it. We know what you're saying. But we're still talking about like a screw in your metaphor. Like a practical application. Yeah. But I'm saying like imagine that as a metaphor for something.

For what? Like a baby being born. Sure. Don't try to catch it. Yeah, just watch it fall. That's kind of fucked up actually. It's really messed up. This is a man that's expecting.

I'm going to be a dad. Yeah. Triggering. Are you okay? What did you say to me? Try to watch it fall. No, try to watch it fall. That is the verb that's used, catching the baby when the baby comes out in a vaginal birth.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. And you have to do that. You'll have the opportunity. They asked me if I wanted to cut the umbilical cord. Yeah. And I don't think I do.

Interesting. Well, you get, that's why they asked you. Yeah. They can't make you. Does it seem weird that like, you know, like that's something that the husband is allowed to do, I guess, to feel like involved in the birth. But it's weird that like my first act of dad would be to like separate the baby from its food source.

Well, you could do it with your teeth, like opening like a bag of chips that is a little stubborn or obstinate. Does that bother you or less? It's the scissors, right? Right, yeah. You'd rather use like a razor blade or a safety pin. Right, yeah.

Well, my issue with it was that I didn't get to use my teeth, but you're saying you know a hospital where I could eat the umbilical cord? Yeah, it's pretty natural nowadays. To call it like a hospital. Yeah, it's not really a hospital. A stretch. It's a yurt.

There's a yurt that will let you do that. All right. I videotaped a birth once for when I was working at my dad's like office. I saw him deliver. And you weren't supposed to be doing that. You were supposed to be folding scraps. I wasn't supposed to be. I was just supposed to be in charge of the files.

But I like I saw I was a famous person. I was like, whoa, let's try to sell some of this shit to TMZ. You filmed it on your flip HD. It was a sidekick at the time. I shot it all on 360p resolution.

So they wanted, they wanted the birth filmed. They wanted the birth filmed and the dad's like, I'm going to be with this lady. Can you, you know, shoot some of it? So like, I'm going to be with this lady. Can you, you know, shoot some of it?

I'm going to be with this lady being another lady. Just a random nurse over here. I have a date. There's a fucking hot nurse that I want to talk to. Anyway, I got so lightheaded that I had to put the camera down and leave the room. This is very predictable in my mind. Yeah. 17-year-old boys should not be watching this.

Was it a, if it had been a cesarean, you wouldn't have been allowed in the. Yeah, it was a VB. A vaginal birth. Right. Got it. So you didn't see the end? No. So you didn't capture the miracle of childbirth?

The only moment they wanted. Well, I saw the miracle of somebody pissing and then like an episiotomy. An episiotomy. Episiotomy, which is like, you know, to cut and increase the opening slash cavity and at that point i was like i heard they don't do that as much anymore i don't know i didn't really follow up on what the new practices were but at that point i didn't feel well yeah right so you so i left right so this was the doctor or the father that asked you to film it? The doctor was a woman. Right. Oh, my God. He's sexist. The doctor was the mother.

Wait, what? I didn't. That's. I don't think it's anything sexist. Do you remember that riddle? Yeah. Okay. I'm just making sure.

I couldn't tell if you were playing into the bit or. Both. You were just genuinely confused. I was like, yeah, but I didn't say. I didn't. I don't think I gendered the doctor, but. Oh, yeah. You have to pound a mirror.

Psych. I don't think I gendered the doctor, but... Oh, yeah, you have to pound a mirror. Psych! After 28 seconds of waiting. That was the only way to get the upper hand back. Ah, that was shameful. Gotcha! You're crying a little, man. Two of you left hanging for nearly a minute straight only to psych someone. No, you didn't really psych them then.

They psyched you. Oh, my God. I literally was so close. You really kept it down. You were worried about Dingo being dirty in the room and I'm just like throwing up Diet Coke on your couch. I still wanted to make a mess of the studio is all. You know,

the funniest was that I first saw your face frozen and I didn't see your hands. So I thought, yeah, exactly. Added extra time.

Any other unsolicited advice? I don't know. I have a bunch about baby stuff, but that's the most annoying kind of. All you get ahead of that is unsolicited advice. That's the kind that I need the most. Give us one overarching baby one. I guess like for optimal sleep for a lot of babies, not every baby, that caveat is always important. Just committing to like darkness and white noise

is super helpful okay we wanted a baby that could sleep everywhere yeah we didn't get one right that just doesn't necessarily happen once we just gave in to the fact that things needed to be like completely dark yeah and traveling with black trash bags and paint safe tape and then you just put it over white noise machines yeah know man that's gonna be the hardest thing for me i think because i i pack so light and i'm so minimal oh that's so over it's over yeah and as we're like going we're like doing baby registry stuff yeah jill is like sending me everything i'm like i don't think we need two of this i don't think we need this thing hey we can use this for that whatever um i definitely don't want to be traveling everywhere with garbage bags

but it sounds like that. That will take up so little of your suitcase compared to all the other stuff. I'm fucked. I'm fucked, yeah. I have all kinds of stuff, like stuff recommendations. Who teaches you how to do the diaper situation? The hospital? They'll show you how to do it at the hospital. They will show you. That's nice. And then you can do it yourself while they watch,

or you can just keep watching them do it until you feel confident enough to jump in there. It's truly so insane. I keep on thinking like when this baby is born, they're going to leave me and Jill in a room alone with it. Yeah. Like you have to take classes to like skydive and like baby rearing seems even more difficult. Yeah. And they're not forcing you to take any classes. Well, I took a baby class.

But you didn't have to. I didn't have to. It was a class for babies though, to be fair. Yes any classes. I took a baby class. But you didn't have to. I didn't have to. It was a class for babies, though, to be fair. Yes, it was. Yeah, I went to kindergarten. I wanted to see how they behaved. You're a big boy now, Jake. This one kid didn't share with me.

I found that to be pretty fucked up. You bit somebody. Yeah, that wasn't okay, right? We talked about how that wasn't okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he started it. You know that. No, no, we've talked about it.

Yeah. He's done it. I finished it. We're not mad. We're just disappointed. Yeah, we just want. But he started it. You know that. No, no. Well, we've talked about it. Yeah. He started it. The wrong stomach array. I finished it. We're not mad. We're just disappointed. Yeah. We just want to understand. Totally.

But yeah, there's a steep learning curve. I have products that I love. Okay. I need to know the products. Yeah. It's a lot about darkness and sleep because that becomes so important. I was anti-white noise machine for a second. I'm on board now for

the baby or for you guys baby yeah i'm like i don't want to just i just hate buying electronics but yeah i'll do it i did it and we got blackout curtains so smart i'm ready to roll yeah you black out white noise yeah oh and a gray matter gray matter and making sure that everything you buy is green. Like some kind of carbon neutral. That's true. There's so much waste. Let's talk sustainable diapering. You can probably get away with two tote bags that you fashion to sort of saddle

for the diarrhea for the first few months. I'm going to let that baby sit on your lap for a little while. No! Say hi to Uncle Amir. That's me making the noise. Yeah, we change her once a day. because it's a toad it can kind of collect that's what we did back in the day and we turned out all right sure i have a rash on my ass that never went away never went away yeah i looked up the three episodes you've been in oh yes episode one uh 11 zero to d wow that's really early on it's really early and that was at rec

room that was at rec room okay yeah was at Rec Room? Okay. Yeah. Episode 35, Merkin, also at Rec Room. Yes, I think so too. Yeah. And then that was the third one. And then episode 84, Snooping, which was at the Dream Hotel. I think so. Yeah. So you did three episodes all within the first 84 episodes.

And then we had a huge falling out. Yeah. And now we're back. Wow, 500 episodes off. It's got to be the biggest discrepancy between two appearances of but one guest in podcast history. I feel like we're forgetting one. That seems impossible.

Yeah. No. In podcast history, I think that's a record. In any podcast. In any podcast ever. Wow. Congratulations. Well, it's an honor.

Thank you. I expect to receive awards around this. Actually, there's a golden mic back there. Oh, my gosh. That I think we can- I never thought this day would come. Can you reach? a golden mic back there. Oh my gosh. I never thought this day would come. Can you reach?

I don't know if you can touch it. I'll get it. I'll get it. Hey! I'll get it. I'll get it. Let me see it.

It's a master. Oh! Let go of it. Game Boy Ant. Oh no. You soiled it. You rubbed it in your armpits. I fixed it, yeah. Okay, good. You soiled it. You rubbed it in your armpits. I fixed it, yeah.

Okay, good. Really? For you. Wow. Yes. Oh, my God. Well, it says your name on it. We'll get that.

Okay. We'll have that fixed. Yes, you saw it this time. I'm peripheral. This is such an honor. I know I'm in the company of Golden Mike recipient. Oh, I'm sorry. Of Golden Mike recipient.

I think I co-won one. She's doing a speech. I'm just like really moved and honored. I put in a lot of hard work. I played really hard to get for about 500 episodes. I pretended I didn't want to be on this show. It was a cat and mouse game. I listened every week, hoping episodes. I pretended I didn't want to be on this show. It was a cat and mouse game. I listened every week hoping someday

I listen every week. Our schedules would align. I contribute by myself when I listen in really meaningful ways. I used to edit every single episode. I feel like this. Can you just let me finish? Sorry. I don't know. It feels like there should be

a consequence for being interrupted like this all the time. I feel yeah i'm sorry man you get the turd i'm really like i hate doing this to you like wasn't it gonna happen you're interrupting a golden mic acceptance speech i'm like a golden mic winner and you're just treating me like i think i would person 500 episodes since her last appearance she gets the golden mic an amazing moment yeah she wants to thank everybody. I'm like starting to cry, but I'm not there yet. So it would have been.

Even acceptance speeches get like, you get played off. Not interrupted in the middle. Or just throughout. Yeah, throughout. That's like a turdy, I'm sorry, like it's like a turd,

turd like behavior. Yeah. It was very turdish. It seemed like I, yeah, I wasn't going to get the golden mic. And now you're trying to defend it. I feel like it's a second turdy.

Oh, yeah. Which is rare to happen. And that does feel kind of right. Again, I'm really sorry. I hate doing this. I think he deserves it. If anyone should apologize, it's obviously Blumenfeld. Yeah.

For what? It's like sort of a blanket. You don't even have to be specific with your apology. It can just be kind of like a... I'm sorry. Are you sorry? It seemed like it had a question mark at the end of it to me you didn't even know your apologies getting one of the turdies stricken from the record which it sounds like it might no then i really do apologize and i feel like shit oh i'll strike one from the

record but you have to make an acceptance speech for the other one there's no way that would take it would all right so it's two turdies for the day it would demean me it's too dirty that's fine i'm gonna put it right here don't don't touch it don't don't touch it don't look at it it's so beautiful it's gorgeous absolutely people send us golden mics but no one's ever sent us a turdy i don't know why no one's ever sent us a piece of uh shit in the mail before you ask for i feel like we've gotten a poop a poop something or other okay good a little of fake duty thank you for that then what was it like working with megan

is that a real question? No. That's another turny man. He froze. No, seriously. I mean, it does sound fake, and it was a joking timing of it, but how much of that was animatronic, and how much of it was this 10-year-old actor? It was mostly animatronic, and then any time, but she also performed most of the scenes and

then anytime she moved like in a big way like for a dance or whatever it was amy who performed it but it was like a mixture we loved the dance the dance was a hit you can do the dance the tiktok i mean i've been doing sort of light choreography on the side trying to learn the flip the hand free it's a one hand god hand spring yeah so cool she's amazing um but yeah so it was a mixture it was the animatronic was like extremely eerie and real seeming like just real enough to freak me out yeah which is how it came off in like the movie too yeah exactly where it's just in that uncanny valley of just like and they kept her going when she wasn't even performing just to keep their whole department working together because there's like it takes a bunch of different

people and so that meant that like when the two of us were doing a scene together between takes she was just still staring at you yeah or like moving her head and blinking oh my god occasionally talking and not talking but like you know moving her mouth and yeah so you would just be like eating lunch and she'd be like during lunch but if they're moving the camera adjusting something it's so strange yeah but it was yeah it was very it was a very cool experience it was tough it was really hard to like achieve megan but worth it yeah and now there's going to be another one yes wow Megan 2 yep

that is the next number but Megan already has a 3 in it I know we sort of yeah you box yourself

well you're ready for the 3 yeah we were calling that from the beginning well actually in 4 because the A could be a 4

yeah we can just keep yeah I saw on Twitter someone tweeted a list of the names of the sequels and then the the last one was Megan colon Hob, Hobbs, and Shaw.

I love the idea that anything eventually becomes part of the Fast and Furious franchise. It just absorbs everything. I'm not mad at that idea. The universal family. You know, I understand. Family. Nice. But yeah.

Thanks for asking. No problem. Great film. I was also curious. Great film. I'm excited for this week. Has it been written? It's a work in progress.

Wow. Would love a crack at the. Oh, really? Even a punch up would be an honor because we don't really have a job going forward. Yeah. We're ending the podcast. What are you starting if you end the podcast? That's the thing.

Yeah. We don't really know. We could be script doctors yeah so like we've never written a script but like we could be like uh almost advisors or consultants or punch up sort of specialists like whoa i know these two guys jake and amir they'll come up and they make every script better have they written anything they haven't but that's like that's a lie you guys have written many don't put that out in the universe you've written many scripts jake and amir scripts yeah yeah that's actually and lillian horny and oh yeah those were good yeah if you sample them together

they're the thickness of a movie script and it's all about the thickness yeah obviously the script is mostly thickness yeah i don't read anything i just liked the heft of megan and so i signed on to the movie felt right in between the fingers. You know what? Yes. Yeah. This feels like the right amount of time. The middle pages are just emails you guys sent back and forth.

Yeah. You're not going to want to skip over those. Those are all pretty interesting and integral to the thickness of the film. I saw on our text thread when we were talking about doing this, I realized that one of the last things we had texted about was Lonely and Horny. Really? Yeah. You've been supporting us forever.

I know. Well, I loved Lonely and Horny. I set my things to delete after like 30 days or something. So I feel deprived of that. They're there. Oh, that makes me happy. I was thinking about the time when you guys were talking about haircuts.

Oh, yeah. Did I text you guys after that? I think you did text us about this, but you should tell everybody. Well, I'll tell everybody this story. So I was in New Zealand filming Megan, and I'm listening to the pod, as I do, on a walk. And I remember exactly where I was. I was by the water in Auckland. It's all kind of by the water, but I was by the water.

It is beautiful. And suddenly I'm listening to you guys riff about a haircut. I think it must have been Jake was going to get. Yeah, because I still want this haircut.

Yeah. And he said, maybe I'll just get Uhtred's haircut. And at the time I was walking around as someone who was about to be fianced

to Uhtred. This is Uhtred from the show The Last Kingdom. And we had no idea. You're blushing. I know. I'm so...

Because now I think he might hear this. He very well may. Oh my god. I have a way of playing it for him. Yeah. Wow. And I just like froze in my tracks. It felt like I had heard, you know, people occasionally ask if I still listen to the podcast. They like write in with that question or something on Twitter. And then you guys muse

about whether or not I'm listening. And I'll always text you and say that I am, which is probably a little scary. And, but this time it was different. It was like. Cause we had no idea. You didn't know I was even with Alexander. No. And so I just was like, oh my.

I don't even know his first name. It's Alexander. I don't know where it is. It's Uhtred. It's only Uhtred to me. Uhtred, son of Uhtred. Yes. But yeah.

And I still think you should get that haircut. Do you really? But I also, it is, the maintenance of it is intense and Jill has to be part of that haircut with you. Yeah. Because once a week, yeah, because this was my job between seasons. Well, you just, you have the clippers on like a zero and you like go around

that circle that someone helps you craft. Wow. And you just keep it. Keep it tight. And I just was so I would shake with nervousness. This is the haircut. It's sort of a viking mullet yeah yeah god that's sick yeah and then once he's filming he lets it get to like a one right on the sides between so but the tough the tough part about that haircut is that you also have to have like a face that looks like that yeah you have to be hot like you have to be hot he has a great face

because i could be i could have a hot guy, but I'll still be like my ugly ass. Jake. Jake. What is this self-talk? No, there's no way. You have a very handsome face. You could pull this off. No, my face is not as hot as Alexander,

but like there's a world where if you wear that haircut, people won't think you're ugly, right? No. There's a chance people might not think you're ugly. They might not think I'm ugly with that haircut. They won't think you're ugly regardless. Yeah. What about on the inside? Yeah, you are ugly. They might not think I'm ugly with that haircut. They won't think you're ugly regardless. Yeah.

What about on the inside? Yeah, you are disgusting. Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. You're the Grinch. Right. The Grinch who's hot on the outside and disgusting on the inside. Actually, that makes me feel a lot better. Thank you.

You used an electric razor to achieve this look. Yeah. The character Uhtred, son of Uhtred, doesn't have access to that. He would have been cutting it crudely with an old razor. Whatever the 9th and 10th centuries. How would you get a one on the sides with a rock? What's a buzzer but a razor? And what did Vikings have but sharp axes and knife edges?

Yeah, they would have been like a knife. A knife's edge. I love picturing. I pitched this for as long as I knew him and never made it into the show. But I loved the idea of watching the Vikings do each other's hair before a battle. Oh, my. Yeah, because they're all braided. It's like meticulous.

Some of them have like beads in their hair. Yeah. I want to see that scene. I would love that. Of like a spa with a bunch of men just being like, can you can you do a French braid on me, bro? I could honestly imagine it being done like not comedically. No, just dead serious. Well, you see them like white blood across their face or whatever.

But like, I don't want that. I want the like beautician scene. You're pitching a college humor sketch from 2019. Oh my God, that's so true. Just fucking like grabbing someone's arm and be like, put a bead in my goatee. Yeah, brother. I'm ready for it. Start with a one.

Oh, you're pulling it. You're pulling it. I'm tender chinned. That's really good. I'll do for it. Start with a one. Oh, you're pulling it. You're pulling it. I'm tender chinned. That's really good. I'll do it myself. That would have 3,000 digs in two hours. On the day? At least.

That's still the way I think about things, is the digs on CollegeHuber. Oh, man, I miss the internet. Please dig and reblog when you get home, guys. Reblog. You really have to reblog on Tumblr. The internet is gone, I think, kind of. That version of it is gone.

It's just videos funneling into different platforms. It's basically TikTok, but everywhere. So TikTok has TikTok, but then all the other websites are TikTok. Until we don't have TikTok, if we stop having TikTok. Yeah. And then what happens? Do we exist anymore? I don't even know.

I think we're done. How do I know what my next hobby would be if the algorithm doesn't tell me? Gosh. I'd have to just choose that. Has the algorithm given you a hobby? Yeah. Tennis. I didn't know how to play until the algorithm started feeding me.

You're too on the record about tennis, unfortunately. Really? Yeah. Did you ever do the lesson that I got you? Did you do the lesson that I bought you? Yeah. That was such a thoughtful present. Yeah.

Really thoughtful because then you knew I wouldn't do it and you don't have to pay for shit. Do you already pay for that? I actually do think I owe the guy money if you took the lesson. Did you do the lesson? No, I didn't. Oh. But I will. I promise.

I have an image of how good you are and I really want to know. I want to watch you. Did you play tennis? Minus a few levels. No, I think you're good. I think you have a really spin on your forehand. you have like a really like spin on your forehand. I try to get some top spin on the forehand. But sometimes the ball's behind me and I'll just sort of lob it back to my opponent.

Like do you ever still just like totally suck? Yes. Like you have a return to serve like poorly? Correct. Yeah. Sometimes it'll happen. Do you ever bail out on it? How good are you?

I used to be good and I haven't played in 18 years. At all? You've played like once a year for 18 years? Yeah. Like two years ago, I played a couple of times with my brother. But before that, essentially zero since college. Got it. So like I can still, my first serve is fast, but if I miss that one, I have to just like dink it over like it's a ping pong ball. I see and like

you don't fall I can still my backhand I can still hit pretty hard but my forehand it like my brain is fried so when the forehand comes over I have to like slice it over a lot of slicing yeah control so you play ping pong with your right hand and tennis with your left hand yes that's exactly it so I'm like good half the time and sometimes I I'll like surprise somebody, but then most of the time I'm awful. Got it. Did you play? Is that how you know this? I grew up playing like over the summers very casually.

And then the weirdest and most intense stage of tennis in my life was my senior spring in college. For some reason, like all of us would play like almost every afternoon. Wow. Like usually drunk. And it was the weirdest activity to take up it's so fun but it was really fun and it was probably really good for us at that stage to be getting some athletic activity right but like drunk afternoon college tennis sweating out some of the alcohol yeah we're playing on the uh the yale fields sure were oh god we used to practice there in high school

beautiful yeah um yeah i love tennis it's a My grandfather played until he was like 85. It's one of those sports you can play forever. A lifelong sport. I would love to get back into it. I would have kicked his ass when he was 84. You actually probably wouldn't. You guys have gone through this, playing tennis against adults. You played tennis against an old man and lost 6-0, 6-0. He wasn't old.

60-something, 70? He was in his 60s. 60s is not that old. That doesn't feel old to me. Yeah, he definitely seemed in shape when he kicked my ass at tennis. My definition of old keeps going up relative to how old I am. I'm just trying to protect myself from that. Old is always 10 years older than my parents, actually.

Yeah, yeah, same. Because I'm like, well, they're in no danger of being old. No, no, they'll never die. They'll be here forever. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. All right, one last question. No, sorry, one more question. Another question. Another question. Another one. Does he still say that? I think he does. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. All right, one last question. No, sorry. One more question.

Another question. Another question. Another one. Does he still say that? I think he does. Okay, good. Why don't we call this guy DJ Khaled unless you have a coy Jewish name for him?

I love DJ Khaled. All right, DJ Khaled writes, long time fan, not my first email, but not the point. I'm a 19 year old guy in college who met someone new after breaking up

with their significant other after a long term relationship. Wait, wait, wait, wait. The syntax is confusing. I'm a 19 yearyear-old guy in college who met someone new after breaking up with their significant other after a long-term relationship. Wait, wait, wait. The syntax is confusing. I'm a 19-year-old guy who met someone new after breaking up with their significant other. With their significant other. After a long-term relationship. Okay.

Okay. We both got out of a long-term relationship and wanted to be just friends with benefits for the time being. This relationship worked well for a few months, but we started to adopt mannerisms like a real relationship, going out together, calling each other pet names. About a month and a half ago, she broke things off because she started talking to someone new and they started dating. Can we pause?

Sure. Talking means what for youths? Probably dating. I don't know if talking means... I don't think it means sex. Are you hooking up? I feel like it means flirty messages, maybe hooking up. Nothing makes me feel older than not knowing what this means. I'm only guessing.

But he said started talking. I've used that terminology to break it off with people before. Like I'm talking to someone else? Yeah. But for me, I guess it meant fucking. Like literally. Oh, okay. But I think for normal

people it doesn't it means like i'm in a relationship that's trending towards romantic yeah okay he said i'm shocked about how much i was attracted attached to her after a month and a half i still miss her a lot i don't want to be an asshole and tell her that i still have strong feelings for her when she's dating someone else but i don't know what to do any tips to cope and or get over her? Thanks for the constant laughs. Would you guys say therapy and Crocs? Therapy, Crocs, and maybe moving. Is that always the answer?

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. I do think therapy and Crocs is consistent maybe move is all because that's we're not even telling you when to

do it yeah just consider it maybe think about a move right which you will make anyway in a couple years when you graduate yeah or as long as your brain and feet are comfortable everything else sort of falls in line get him tie him down restrain him Emma

he just went for the golden mic I'm gonna keep it over here I don't know what happened to me I browned out we have to put it behind glass my precious big tases me no down Blumenfeld

bad boy um yeah it seemed like this guy was not in a friends with benefits relationship it seems like he was just in a real relationship but the other lady didn't necessarily agree to those terms head names and doing stuff together that's a relationship i don't think so i wonder if like maybe more than just like still feeling like you need more closure, you know? It doesn't sound like he's going to get it. No. I think you've just got to start getting yourself excited about being single.

That's always the breakups go through the cycle that they have to go through. Yeah. Eventually you get to this stage where you're like walking around listening to music in your headphones and you're like, yeah. Can I suggest After Midnight by blink 182 yes yeah that's great idea right and then you're like into the idea and you start thinking about all the possibilities of your next one and that's just the place you have to get to but there's no rushing ahead to that i don't think that's a really good point and crocs don't yeah and crocs yeah and also

crocs and therapy because everyone should do therapy well this, this guy is a 19-year-old guy in college, so it makes sense that he's got these conflicting, confusing messages slash relationships that he's in. Most 19-year-olds in college don't have their shit figured out yet. Well, communication is tough still, and also testosterone just makes everything so hard. Yeah. No pun intended.

It's just so complicated to have that much testosterone. I mean, when we did a episode together eight years ago this guy was 11 so really that is so wild and based on the way he wrote this email i think he was listening that for sure you should check out his first email well it said i'm down to seize the cheese of this 12 year old girl that no knock it off. Oh, God. Knock it off. He's 11. Yeah. It's fine because he's 11. Okay. They're peers. Let's not. They really were peers. All right. Let's take another break. Thanks to more peoples and come back and answer more questions after these messages. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. How'd you like to have the best

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Thank you, athleticgreens.com slash ifireyou. And we're back. Oh, wow. Nice break. Yeah, short break. It flew by like that for us. Yeah. Okay, now we got one last question to get to.

Okay. And we really have to make it count. Let's make it a good one. I know, no pressure. This is the last question Allison will ever answer on this podcast. This is sad. Are you guys sad? I know, no pressure. It's the last question Allison will ever answer on this podcast. This is sad. Are you guys sad? I have been getting sad.

I was not sad when we made the announcement. I felt nothing. And now I'm sad. Yeah. Because it feels final right now. Yeah. I'm sad. For sure. How are you? I'm okay. Have you ever been sad? French? Canadian? Are you sad, Amir? No, it doesn't feel real yet because we're still recording right maybe we'll

um at the end of the last episode which we have to record 10 minutes uh there you go okay are you gonna wait sorry i have more questions i feel like a responsibility on behalf of the listener oh yeah certain things right are you going to put together any kind of like the hits kind of thing like over the years like when the pinch emerges and toda and i feel like i there's too many episodes for i don't remember any of them your your fans will know will show the way yeah like a like a super cut yeah as an episode or like as like a Tumblr post? Yeah, as like a long episode.

Yeah. I mean, it could be anything. But I think also since you have this huge back catalog, if people want to get into the show, it could be where they start. Best moments or something. I think the first one had Kill Yourself at a Starbucks. Was that the first ever episode?

Yeah, the first ever episode. Yeah. And people still say that one. I know. And out of context, it's super callous. Yeah, it's fucked up. one had kill yourself at a starbucks the first was that the first ever episode yeah and people still say that one i know and out of context it's super callous yeah it's fucked up yeah i don't remember why it came up i hope i didn't say it no way to know you never know yeah let's yeah let's not release the uh super cup for sure yeah well after 10 years there's just too many i don't even know where to start there was too many well the thing is the podcast got bad after allison's last appearance i just wanted to see how you guys would do on your own and i kept waiting for it to get

good again right yeah find your footing i feel like if we listened to just the first hundred episodes we could get a lot of gold a lot of good material there sprinkling that magic dust everywhere i wonder what the best hundred is the The best hundred? That's a good question for super fans. Yeah. Starting at what number to what number would you consider the goat hundred? Oh, consecutive? Best hundred consecutive episodes? Ooh. Good question. It's got to be 35 to 135, right?

I feel like the early, early episodes are just, they have to be the best ones. Or is it the opposite? Like Jake and Amir videos, they were awful and then they got a little better oh i think i feel like on podcasts you like you like feeling that like energy and excitement around stuff yeah so i don't know we sucked at making jake and amir in the beginning right so i think it's different or it's an exact middle hundred like a bell curve and then the beginning and the ends were not as good as the prime years. I don't know. It just feels like you should do something

to acknowledge all the years and all the many hours we've listened. I appreciate that. Well, I'm giving you work. I'm giving you a homework assignment. Someone has to. I'm giving you a homework assignment. We need a fan slash producer.

I mean, we could do like the origin story of like things that have kept, like The Pinch. Yeah, exactly. Se like the origin story of like things that have kept like the pinch. Yeah, exactly. Seize the cheese. Golden Mike. Yeah. Yeah.

There are there are a lot of like recurring Matt Damon. Yeah. Yeah. We talked about Matt. I mean, that was more recently. The original Matt Damon. That was that early. Yeah, that was a pretty early.

Time doesn't make sense to me. John Wolf was like. Oh, yeah. That was before Matt Damon. Yeah. And he was a guest on the show make sense to me. John Wolfe was like. Oh, yeah, that was before Matt Damon even. Yeah, and he was a guest on the show, John Wolfe. Yeah. Yeah, John Wolfe eventually came on.

You were like, I don't know how to explain this to you. We just chose him to be a villain. You're a mascot. It was as if the Game Boy was a friend of ours. Yeah. Yeah. But that's not the case for the Game Boy. Right. Right?

Oh! Sorry, did you say he? He's invoked. Anyway, okay, sorry. Keep going. No, you're right. We should do something. I just don't know what.

We have too much audio. Well, we have two weeks before we have to record again. Yeah, so maybe we can't find the stuff and play it. Someone can help us. You just need someone nostalgic in your midst to make you want to. There's historians out there. All right, subreddit. It's on you.

Nice. Spider-Man. Yeah, exactly. Okay. This is a question from a French-Canadian from Montreal. I believe it's from a lady. Let's do... I don't know.

A French-Can Canadian female name. There's so many. Michelle. I just worked with a French Canadian hair stylist. That's cool. What is it? Michelle. Michelle.

Just Michelle with a French accent. Really? Have you ever met Tom Cruise? No. That's awesome. Is it? Well. Give her the pound, dude.

What would have been more, yeah. I just watched a few get met again on the flight. That was real. Okay. I'm okay. We're good. Thanks, I'm good. I'm good, I'm good.

Just kidding, I just wanted you to feel my pain. Yes. Oh, nice. Do you have a scar on your pointer finger? Yes. Oh my God. Do you have a scar on your pointer finger? Yes. Oh, my God. I remember this one. Archery camp. For real?

They tied me to a post and they said I had to put an apple in my mouth. I refused. It's so funny. Everyone hits that, they'll kill me. No, I think this is from scraping my hand on a friend's wall while playing indoor basketball.

Wow. That was super painful. Scars are souvenirs we never lose. Yeah. Goo Goo Dolls. Yep. Goo Goo Dolls.

Have you ever met a Scarsguard you didn't like? No. They seem like great people. Yeah, they are. I just found out that Bill's Scarsd from Barbarian and John Wick 4. And It.

And It. Is brothers with. Alexander Skarsgård. From Succession. Oh, I would think of him as Trueblood. But yes, he's also from Succession. I would think of him as Tarzan. And their dad is Stellan.

That's an insane family tree they have. Yeah, it's crazy. All tall, hot, talented dudes. Sweden, they're built different. Crazy. Yeah. They both happen to be awesome actors and tall and attractive. Yeah.

And ripped. You don't happen to be ripped. You get ripped. You work at it. Because you do the work. Yeah. I should know because I don't do it. The work.

Okay, focus. Michelle. Michelle writes, I'm French-Canadian and from Montreal. My last year, my boyfriend of five years broke up with me. Last weekend, we were in the same place for an event with mutual friends, and he saw my Tinder account, and apparently it turned him on. So much so that he fantasized all weekend of doing nasty things to me.

The last night we were there, he told me he had something to tell me and proceeded to explain to me how he saw my Tinder and was having all these thoughts and he wasn't able to focus on anything else. He said he told me to bring this to an end and that it was the only way to get rid of these feelings and was already feeling better. Yuck. I felt so weird and troubled and disgusted. I felt weird all week.

So my question is, should I tell him he was selfish and weird and inappropriate to tell me this? Do you think he was hoping I'd say, oh my God, let's sleep together? Or should we never speak

about this ever again? All three. All three, yes. Yeah. If you want to tell him he transgressed your boundaries, you let him know. He definitely was hoping

that you'd have sex with him and be in his fantasy with him. That one's really easy. He wasn't hoping to gross you out, but he did. Yeah. He wanted you to be like, oh my God, I feel the same way. Right.

Yeah. I had the same thoughts. Let's go. I saw you on Tinder too. Yeah. Right. That was the fantasy. Yeah.

Not the reality. And it didn't happen. Didn't work out. And so you can tell him that it, yeah, it was a transgressed boundary. And in terms of never talking to him again, you'd have to, to tell him about the transgressed boundary. But then you can also take your space from him indefinitely. And then you go to crocs.com.

Yeah. You can order your crocs. You would have better help. Yeah, better help, crocs, and oh, Zillow. For a new home. Maybe. Yeah, exactly. For a new home.

Right. What were the jewels called on top of the crocs? Gibbets. Gibbets? Gibbets. J-I-B-B-I-T-S or T-T-S? Is that any jewel or is it a proprietary croc jewel? It's literally just for crocs gibbets gibbets gibbets j-i-b-b-i-t-s or tts is that any jewel or is it a proprietary literally just for crocs just for crocs because crocs have like the perforated tops yeah so you can get like they're made out of like croc material yeah and i don't think i

don't know if they are associated with croc i don't know it's like a separate question i think it's probably separate yeah they swallowed gibbets? Huh? Hmm? The company exists and then croc was like, oh, that's what we use now. No, I think it may still be separate. Yeah, it's just like a way to jewel up your crocs. Unbelievable. I'm just learning. It's funny.

After 600 episodes, I'm still learning about this stuff. And it's also important. And this is a really important thing to learn about. Yeah. Actually, I listen to Threedom. I don't know if you guys listen to that podcast. Oh, yeah. They talk about gibbets a lot.

Really? I guess. Really? It comes up a lot. They have them for their show. They have Threedom gibbets. Do they really? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. So anyone can make them? Yeah, maybe you guys can make them. It's not too late. Merch. Fuck, we never did merch. We did merch.

We did merch, yeah. It's not too late. In the first hundred episodes, we did merch and then never again. General cleanliness. Oh, that's right. We did merch. We did merch, yeah. It's not too late. In the first hundred episodes we did merch and then never again. General cleanliness. Oh, that's right. General cleanliness. My joke.

My one. My one and only joke. My dad still wears the general cleanliness shirt. That's nice. It's so funny. I guess him and Allison are down to the last two.

We're playing a game of Survivor where we record a podcast every week for 10 years and whoever the last person still listening is the ultimate fan. I will listen to that to the very two. We're playing a game of Survivor where we record a podcast every week for 10 years and whoever the last person still listening is the ultimate fan. I will listen to that to the very end.

Cool. Will you listen to the super cuts? Yeah. All right, cool. I will. Just from a place of narcissism wondering

if I'm going to show up. I don't know if I will, but you know. The Merkin episode is an all-timer. For sure. It's got to be. Episode 11?

Oh, no. Episode 27. Merkin? 34, yeah.timer. For sure. It's got to be. Episode 11? Oh, no. Episode 27. Merkin? 34, yeah. That sounds fair, right? 37? No, 87 and 30? Whatever.

I can't remember anymore. Anyway. He's got it tattooed. 11, 34, 87. Wow. So it was 11, 37, and 84, actually. It's actually my social security card. So does she owe it to him to tell him, or is that only for herself to get it off her chest

yeah whatever you need at this point he's already like taken shit from you including your like sense of peace and safety in the world for the last week

so do you do you you do you to coat the pod that was another old timer yeah old classic

yo do you yo do you god I feel like I haven't come up with any of the jokes that are classics. That's why me and Allison will share this mic. I came up with that. Not Drake. Not you guys.

Oh, yeah. Drake. Drake is on a through line for all of our stuff. Yeah. He's sort of been our North Star. That's true. Yeah. Canadian for Canadian reasons?

French Canadian reasons. I guess he's not French Canadian. No. He's Drake Canadian. I was joking about being Drake's wallet or toilet or something. Is that anything worth discussing on the podcast? It was fun on the day, but not really worth re-litigating. Yeah.

Not worth rehashing. I can do the voice. Yeah. Yeah. It was good at the time. It's old. I feel like it's dry. It's tacky. Tacky is a new one saying it's tacky a lot have you ever talked about the origin of tacky

i don't know that i remember i don't know if it's interesting to anyone let's try it was based on a real thing somebody said in front of us right yeah they called something you did tacky no they called something somebody else did tacky. And it was so funny that we just, now we say it as an insult in any occasion. I need to know the story. You can leave out proper nouns, but I have to know. We were, I think it was,

it must've been in like 2010 or 11 or something. It was a long time ago. We were, we made a TV show. We wrote a script. And the rest of the story is on patreon guys thank you so much allison williams and we were pitching with the production company at abc okay and the like the decision maker at abc was supposed to be in the room when we set the pitch and then like right before the assistant came out and said that they weren't going to be there and we were pitching

to the other people and basically a death sentence pre-pitch yeah but we didn't know that we didn't know that at the time it was our first time ever pitching we turned to the producer and we're like oh is that like a bad sign and she was just like no no it's fine it's just tacky it's a little tacky. Is tacky short for tactless? Maybe. How cool is that? Let me see the truth. Absolutely not. Move it away.

It's actually getting closer to Jake as time goes on. I mean, it just wants to go home. I'm so choosing Chuck to be holding it to Allison's award. Yeah. Wow. Maybe I'll just. All right. Allison, anything you want to mention slash get off your chest

slash say on this, the Pen Penultimate podcast? I have just loved for all these years listening to this show. Well, thank you for actually maintaining listenership from episode 11 all the way to now. I don't think I'm alone.

I think there's a lot of people listening that have been listening from the beginning or who have caught up. You've created such a deranged, amazing community. You're like, I don't know. It's just been so reliably nice every week to have a new episode of the pod during the pando to feel like you guys were going to anxious

your way through it with us it was touch and go there yeah the trump episode the day after yeah that was yeah that's how i think of history is how you guys talk about it we're gonna see through the eyes of vance in the pitch honestly throw out any other time capsule just put these episodes in there well thank you very much because i feel like it was really exciting that we got you on the podcast so early and then the fact that you stuck with us the entire time.

Of course. 500 episodes without even fucking being on it. No, I just liked it. I was just a fan doing laundry from afar. That's awesome. A fan doing laundry. Congrats, guys. Thank you. And Amir, I wish you the best of luck in the remaining episodes for potentially finally getting. Two more swings at the bat.

Ye olde golden Mike. Arr. Ye olde golden Mike. I'm 0 for 583, but I'm down to give it another shot. With that persona, it's not going to happen. Let's tone it down a notch yeah the pirate guy the pirate guy he's been trying to get pirate guy in the pod for all these years why introduce pirate guy at 587 i guess he's shooting he's been trying yeah he's shooting a shot yeah walk the

turd that's funny walk the turdy like oh instead of yeah i actually like that that's fun really it's like a former peter, I'm just triggered by this. Nice. Pirate persona. Yeah, we have a lot of musical questions for you, having been in a musical. Yeah, I was. Yeah. Like, how do you write it?

Or like, do the songs come first? I wrote it. I wrote all of it. You wrote Peter Pan. Yes, by the way. I feel like this whole episode has been about us. Thank you. I know. A lot has happened. What a cool thing to write Pan. Yeah, I did it. I just wrote it. I wrote all of it. You wrote Peter Pan. That's by the way. I feel like this whole episode has been about us. Thank you. I know.

A lot has happened. What a cool thing to write Pan. Yeah, I did it. Just wrote it. Sick. The whole thing. So sick. Mazel.

It was improvised on the day I heard. Yeah, I wrote it and it was improvised and I want credit for both things. That's incredible. Anything to promote? I'm in a limited series that'll come out

at some point this fall called Fellow Travelers on Showtime that'll be really beautiful and great I think that's cool and then eventually actually not eventually

on January 17th 2025 Megan 2 will come out wow they already have a release date oh year from next January yeah

that's almost my birthday by the way that's why I didn't want to say it is that why but like that is kind of why I mean it's not quite my birthday

obviously it's the 18th but 17th we just wanted to be in the vicinity 2025 i know it's very weird it's like no i love a crack at the script yeah you mentioned that and when you mentioned it i didn't react at all yeah yeah exactly yeah my lack of reaction is sort of an indicator of how i still feel yes exactly like i'm putting you on the spot almost forcing your hand yeah but no that was before i saw the pirate persona and now i'm sort of like i wouldn't trust him with like anything i wonder if megan can have a boyfriend like a pirate yeah like that like a captain hook doll come to life yes exactly this is a version of it that i'm not as into but like let's keep iterating. Let's keep freestyling. Let's whiteboard it.

There are no bad ideas yet, Miss Turner. Except that one. Except for that one. Yeah, yeah. That was rough. That's a bad idea. That was hard. Because Pirates is even a universal film.

I don't even know the legal rights slash ramifications of putting a pirate. I'm sure it's Disney. There's no way that Captain Jack Sparrow could be in that world, right? Well, not anymore because, you know. Right, because of the whole trial. Yeah.

And we're trying to blue sky, but I need to shut you down just on that. Just put one cloud. Yeah, let's brainstorm, but let's cut off that kind of thing. Yeah, just stop the pirate entirely. It's not going to happen. It's tacky.

It's tacky. It's tacky. It's not bad. It's not a bad sign. It's just tacky It's tacky. It's tacky. It's not bad. It's not a bad sign. It's just tacky. They're going to still green light your show. Bringing the pirates back

is tacky. But that's it. Just gratitude to you guys. Thank you. And gratitude back to you for sticking with us after all these years. I just was waiting

for you guys to answer my question finally but it looks like it never happened. Oh yeah. Let's load that one up. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Oh the cirrhosis thing? I think you could just get a shampoo no psoriasis yes cirrhosis my liver is fine thank you very much that it is yeah it's a skinny flaky skin disease not a liver failure of sorts no i actually wrote in to ask if you guys thought i should do the pilot of girls and you never answered. So I'm kidding. That's anachronistic. But I thought that would be a fun joke. Should I do this horror movie about race? What do you guys think?

Can I send it to you if I send you the script? It's tacky. I think I didn't listen to us. Hold out for nope, I said, in 2012. I couldn't believe it. Wow, how did you know? I don't know. I guess I had his ear.

Packed his emails, yeah. All right. If you have your own theme songs, your own questions? I don't know. I guess I had his ear. Alright, if you have your own theme songs, your own questions, I don't know how many more we need at this point. Get them in now. Now's your chance. Get them in before the finish line at the buzzer if I reshow at gmail.com. That's right. Let's listen to that theme song again.

Thank you. Ryan, was it? For having me. Thank you, Allison, for coming by. Thank you. Not an easy trip. It's been a pleasure. Congrats on that. It's a a pleasure. Congrats on that. It's a big deal. Hey, thanks. I know, this is a really big deal. Yeah, don't look at it in a mirror, but yeah, thank you so much.

I was going to say, we're still making videos on our Patreon. Yeah. Let's not plug so much shit. It's a little tacky. Yeah, that's... Woo! Woo! Woo! If I were, if I were, if I were you

If I were, if I were, if I were you Disappointed by strong will Take an amir They'll make your whole year Stray let's get my trams on wheel The chips are real with the meaning sincere Your roommate's bullying and you need a friend Sensitive so just keeping up with Tram These dudes will give you and you need a friend Sex and fights are just keeping up with trans

These dudes will give you what you need to know Stuff all the colds and just relax, enjoy the show If I were, if I were, if I were you If I were, if I were, if I were you The time of my storm storm Take an amir They'll make your hopes clear Escape by transom clear The meaning's unseen That was a Hiddem Original.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com.

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