Segments - 588: Smoothies (w/Avital and Jill!)

Episode Date: April 17, 2023

Our lovers Avital Ash and Jillian Vogel join us to discuss future children, current dogs, and what we should do next. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it.

091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Jake and Amir, two Jewish guys with a podcast that's known to make you smile. They answer questions from the listeners so true in a comedic style that's fresh and brand new. If I were you, what would I do?

Ask Jake and Amir. They'll give you a clue. Gold mic for Jake. Churdy for Amir. Two comedians bringing laughter. Don't you fear? Jake with his wit and Amir with his frown. Asking questions and putting them to the test.

Sometimes Jake becomes the game boy and amir the chipmunk that's always a mess if i were you what would i do ask jake and amir they'll give you a clue gold mic for jake turdy for amir two comedians bringing laughter don't you fear so tune in every week to if i were you where jake and amir will answer your questions too they'll bring the laughs and the giggles galore with a comedic theme that'll have you wanting more. Always frowning. That should terrify everyone in this room. Yeah, AI is coming to replace all your favorite artists.

You heard that. That sounded awesome, and it was created in a second. Bieber, Goodbye Styles. This AI is trolling you. No, that's what he said. He said, long-time listener, luckily in 2023 with AI, you don't need musical talent, so I went to chat GPT

with this prompt. Write a theme song for a podcast called If I Were You where two coy Jewish comedians named Jake and Amir answer listener-submitted questions. Jake always wins the prestigious Golden Mike Award, and Amir always receives a dishonorable turdy. Sometimes Jake portrays a character named the Game Boy, and Amir resembles a chipmunk,

and it's okay to be antagonistic towards him. That's why the frown. Yes, Amir with his frown. There's nothing more antagonistic than a saying that I frown from time to time. Then I put the lyrics verbatim into an AI voice generator and clicked add music. And the whole experience made me want an AI themed Jake and Amir, even a chat GPT to write an episode.

All right. Well, this is good because we're sort of ending the show soon. I don't know if you guys heard. Yeah. We're in the real studio with Jill. Jill just found out. Jill's my wife. She just found out.

I can't hide it on my face. Yeah. And Avital on the couch next to me. That's me. Very soft, everybody. Great job. Let's do that rock, girl. Ah!

I didn't see. I didn't see. Love. So if you're watching on YouTube, you can see that it's a 48-carat whatever. Thank you. Really expensive. Thank you. Not a diamond.

Doesn't have to be. However those things work. If you could shout out my Instagram, says this guy. It's Jake Berg. Oh, the Instagram is it's Jake Berg. It's Jake Berg. And he also makes special effect videos and AR filters. Hit me up if you need an Instagram face filter.

Love it. Appreciate that. That's fun. I've been looking for one. You can do the signature Amir frown as a, yeah. Oh, that's good. Amir with his frown. What he's known for. I don't actually frown that a Oh, that's good. Amir with his frown. What he's known for.

I don't actually frown that much. The robot is putting me on blast. You know I don't frown. Jillian Teller. Never seen it. Always a smile. That's right. It's true. But that's exciting because this is the second to last episode of our show. And you sort of start getting the themes

that the robots are taking over to the point where this guy kind of recommends that two AIs can write an entire podcast for us. Here's a question. How could you possibly top this podcast? If this is the penultimate, what's the ultimate?

Impossible. You can't beat this. Oh, just the two of you. Just the two of you. Way to sell us down the river immediately. She means you and Jillian. Us reflecting on the two of you. Way to sell us down the river immediately. She means you and Jillian. Us reflecting on the last ten years.

That's actually not a terrible idea. Pretty good. We can hand off hosting duties to you two. If I were you, it actually doesn't have to end. We just have to end. I always thought it would be really fun for me and Jill to do like, hey, it's Amir. And you're like, hey, it's Jake. And we just never explain it.

And then we do all the things. You got a turdy, I got a golden mic. Anyone can do these bits. Here, come up with a new one. Like, turdy and golden mic is a good classic. Hold on, let me go check my chat B2. Your water just broke.

Too much pressure. This is also technically the first podcast for your unborn. The debut. Yeah. Unless you're not on another podcast, right? Oh, no. Just the one that I do at noon on Fridays. Right.

Okay. So this, yeah, technically the first time my daughter's been on this show. Yeah. Wow. Can we say or guess the name? Natalie. Nailed it. Wow. Right. say or guess the name? Natalie. Nailed it. No.

Right. Natalie Porcupine? That is a great name. Your next dog, Natalie Porcupine, or next porcupine. The dog can be named whatever. The porcupine should be named Natalie. That would be so good. Have you guys messed around with the AI stuff?

Yeah. I've been using it a lot more than I thought I would because it's very good at bullshitting and that's so much of what you have to do when you're researching something. Yeah, like what are 20 ideas or something? What do you ask them? Definitely. Or what's the connection between this thing and that thing?

And they can draw, or ChatGPT can draw a connection faster than I can because it's going through like hundreds of wikipedia pages and it's just an example yeah i think i was like oh god this is so specific do it uh what is the connection between like tap dance and like like um this one what gina i don't know, this is like very random. And tap dance and Gina Davis and it'll find it for you? And it'll like say, well, in this particular movie,

she was like seen as doing this kind of dance and da da da and you're like, okay, thanks, ChatGPT. And you can.

Do you have to thank it? I thought that was the beauty of the robot. I sometimes do. So you don't have to be a polite. No, because I think it's important to teach ChatGPT

manners. Right. It's going to run the world. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to be like uh i think you're wrong and also fuck off like yeah like when they become nascent murdering killing machines they'll walk into your office like she actually thanked me

just destroy jake starts tap dancing away like gina davis i think a lot of us are doing that using chat gpt or being very polite to it because we're afraid as we should be yeah yeah yeah i think i guess i'm not necessarily polite but i definitely talk to it like it's a person yeah yeah rude to people it's like customer support right yeah yeah i've yeah i talked to humans and robots the same, just casually. What's up, dude? Hello. Yeah, like I'm their buddy. You used it to write our last live show opening bit.

Yeah, yeah. It's pretty good with comedy. It was. It was so funny because it wrote me a really generic one. It was like, hey, I'm Jake and this is Amir and we're going to host the show with our crazy brand of humor. You know, the kind that makes you smile. And then, and then I was like,

I gave it the response back. It was like, can you make it like a little more risque? And it basically did the same thing. And I was like, now we're going to tell some, some dirty jokes and we're going to make you cringe. And then,

then it gave a line to Amir. It's like, and maybe we'll tell a few jokes about Jake's small dick. Like, truly, it wrote a pretty good line. Yeah. How did it know you had a small little dick? Yeah, well, it comes through millions and millions of internet pages. So it's seen anything that's been written about my dick before. And I actually think we've written extensively about me having a tiny dick in Jake and Amir.

Have you tried at all, write this in the voice of Jake and Amir and see if it can do that? I think somebody, we've asked it before to write a Jake and Amir sketch, but it just wrote like a kind of like random. I get a lot of, I wrote,

I asked ChatGPT to write a Jake and Amir script and they send it to us. And they're fine. But it's like one punch up away from being useful. Right. Yeah, yeah. I feel like in Jake and Amir, the hardest thing was just coming up with an idea.

Yeah. Because once you have the idea, you can write three pages of our characters. Yeah. Like Amir brings a toaster oven to work and makes a lasagna at the desk. Yeah. Perfect.

It writes itself. I know everything. I know every single beat. And then you can just be like, it's a writer's assistant that you don't have to tell, like you get credit for this now. Exactly.

Replacing entry level human work. This was actually perfect because it kind of doesn't allow anyone else to get their foot in the door. Yes. We're in the industry. We've slammed the door shut behind us. We can have room for one more robot on the boat.

Yeah, but never again. A writing assistant. No. Straight out of college. There's no need. No. Maybe when my nephew graduates, then I'll get someone a job. Or your nepo baby.

Yes. My nepo baby. That's awesome. When Natalie Porcupine grows up, she's insured a job, but everyone else is fucked. My goal in life is to have a nepo baby because that means I'm successful to where the child is by definition. Considered a nepo. Yeah.

My old man didn't leave me with shit, actually. I wish I were a nepo baby. Well, you could have gone to medical school and he probably would have had an in for you at his hospital, but you didn't live up to your expectation. You didn't hold your end of the bargain up. You know what I mean? My brother's a doctor. a doctor yeah no what's the worst thing that natalie porcupine could grow up to be what would disappoint you the most as a daughter to grow up to be oh

yeah like the equivalent of what amir did to his parents what would that be for you guys i mean maybe i think she could do whatever she wanted but I would be like I don't know I think if she wanted to do comedy if she wanted to do comedy I would maybe be like I wouldn't stop it but I'd maybe in my head be like I wish you'd try something different then I'll just keep on having to go to comedy shows

I just have such a hyper specific example though because we were watching Love is Blind last night and I'm like if she were to turn if she were to grow up and be on a reality show no specifically that woman and love is wine season three i'd be like absolutely no what is what is it she she's kind of mean she's rude she's so mean and it's like well like job wise i is there a job that's the job you also said you wouldn't let her ride horses oh never well that sort of feeds into the being an asshole person this is definitely not the first time we've talked about this

on like a podcast yeah yeah and i've like come out really i've come out very pro horse which i'm not i'm just you know not so anti-horses, Jill. An equestrian is not allowed. Maybe it's because I'm... To an equestrian, Jill says, Nay! You made this joke on podcast? That was the first time.

We're just on the same page. That one's on the cuff. I just genuinely think it's an irresponsible hobby. It's just so irresponsible. It's not sustainable. What about motorcycles? Oh, I mean, yeah, I don't think I have. Four-year-old on a motorbike?

Just don't, I'm not gonna buy that for a person. Right. Any person. You can earn that with your reality show money. Arena honey. Arena porcupine. Yeah, we should not name her Arena like we were planning on you can say all this stuff now but as soon as that little princess wants a pony jake's gonna

have to give it to her come on man that's what jill is saying it now because she knows i'm gonna come back second date or something i was like by the way never a horse we've been talking about a horse for a minute really i didn't even think you could ask for a horse like that wasn't on my agenda i was working so hard to try to get a dog and that was a no let alone a horse yeah well it's kind of a natural progression because i'll say yes to everything yeah so by the time yeah she's just gonna test my limits and she won't find an elephant yeah fine whatever you want there must be books and stuff or literature at this point that like says like what you have to do from the zero to three to sort of angle your child towards one thing or another right like how to not raise a jerk i learned that the other day how do you not raise a narcissist

you did ask me that or is it like in brave in their dna it's like sorry whatever you do she will or will not be a narcissist i know i don't know isn't there a thing with psychopaths that they're like missing part of the frontal lobe like it's yeah but i think it's still like a combination of things yeah you can't really separate right it's like a brain thing but then also some kind of trauma and yeah but like i've perfect storm of stuff when i when i first found out i was pregnant i started eating like a lot more like sardines and like liver so i think the frontal lobe is okay okay okay as long as you eat liver they won't be a narcissist she'll have sardines i think our baby's okay covered us then

and now i all i eat is you yelling to a 28 year old i had sardines for what for you yes oh shut up mom i'm gonna be on a reality show and i'm not here to make friends. I hate limber for nothing. She called me mom. Well, think about all the narcissists slash assholes you know. Are their parents nice and sweet? Probably not, right? I imagine. Do you know narcissists and their parents? I feel like you meet them and then that's the end of it.

You're like, no, thanks. Yeah. But maybe not. I can't even think of like the biggest narcissist asshole that I know. Oh. Me. I guess it's me. like the biggest narcissist asshole that I know. Oh. Me. I guess it's me. Your parents are awesome.

Yeah, it's true. I'm awesome. Just like they are to me. Anyway, this is a fire review and advice podcast, I guess. The only one hosted by us, me and Jake. For two more episodes. For two more episodes. And today, potentially our last guests guests we haven't quite figured out what

we want to do for the finale but we have jillian and avital in the studio with us this is a first right you've done the show and you've done the show but never together have we done it once before yeah it seems vaguely familiar maybe during covid you guys both came on oh yeah like a live show or something oh yeah maybe if it was a live show oh i think it was live show i think so yeah i feel like you guys both like walked into frame for something before and we came you came on after our wedding to tell the story and then avital has been on covet is right that's correct yeah but never together never together we were in the basement in your um parents place that's right yeah but we're in the same room now

yeah it's amazing and the electricity is. I couldn't think of another word. The chemistry is off the chemicals. Let's start with an easy one to sort of ease our way into this show. Great. Since this is the fourth to last question we'll ever answer. How do you know if you truly like a girl asks a guy? You have to ask. You probably don't.

Okay. Next question. No, that was just the subject line. haven't read it okay okay sorry uh i have actually we need a a dude's name so jillian let's call this guy what harrison ford that's really nice harrison ford writes i have a friend let's call her eleanor roosevelt how's that for a movie harrison ford plays eleanor roosevelt get the connection on ChatGP too. I wish Harrison Ford connected to Eleanor Roosevelt. Great question.

Aunt and nephew. Insane. Crazy. I always thought I was, I had a friend, Eleanor Roosevelt, who I always thought was attractive, but only recently learned that she might be attracted to me too.

For the past week, we've been spending more time together and doing some light making out. But we've agreed not to label anything so we can take things slow and figure out what us actually is. It's been a while since I've been with someone, so this is really fun and exciting. But here's the problem. I don't know if I have feelings for this girl beyond just being good friends. We banter a lot and have good chemistry.

But I feel almost too comfortable around her. And I'm not getting butterflies that i usually get when i know i really like someone a part of it is that we're part of the same friend group and i recently moved to a new city so i'm scared because if things go badly i'll probably lose most of the friends i've made since i moved here so do you have any tips on recognizing whether or not you have feelings for someone and separating that friend from someone you're interested in. Thanks. Love, Harrison Ford. Nice. To really love a woman, you gotta hold her.

Beautiful. We're all weeping. Yeah. So that's that version of the song. Who sings that song? Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue. Don't say. Is it Ryan Adams or Brian Adams? Is it? I i don't know i mix them up gosling i was gonna say edwin mccain no i would know

that's i'll be yeah yeah okay so this is ryan or brian adams is correct how old is everyone is this an old reference i think it's a song you don't know isn't it from a robin hood movie or am i thinking again i've never heard this song before wait really really love a song. You don't know the song? Isn't it from a Robin Hood movie? Or am I thinking again? I've never heard this song before. Wait, really? You really love a woman? No. Yeah, I don't know the song. What? To tell her that she's a woman.

Emma, have you heard of it? Tell her she's a woman. Never heard of it? Cue it up. Yeah, cue it up. To really love a woman, tell her she's a woman. That's wrong. To tell her that she's really wanted.

Tell her that she's the one. Oh, yeah, tell her that she's really wanted. Yes. To really love a woman. I don't remember which one's right. To understand her, you got to know her deep inside. It's an 80s song inside it's an 80s song it's an 80s song

90s? no it's early 90s what? I really never maybe it's just his rendition no I sing it perfectly I sing it perfectly I'm shocked

you could skip too this is shocking if we both know it I would be like Jake's older than you. Not ringing a bell at all. This is not the actual version, right? Brian Adams sings Summer of 69?

I've never heard that. This can't be the right one. Yeah, this is a cover. No, we've got to go Brian Adams. I'm still lost. No. Wow. But this doesn't really really sound but if they don't know this it's over yeah uh yeah anyway wow there was an entire song about knowing whether you really love a woman but i guess if you guys never heard of it we'll have to answer the question the old fashioned way right i would say you have to let her hold you till you know how she needs to be

that is the oh yeah it is one of the lyrics oh carol say you gotta breathe her really taste her till you can feel her in your blood i feel like that's actually going a little too far this is about a vampire yeah um oh at least in 1995 you know what do you know you know i think that's the answer so harrison ford had a had a crush on this person then found out they had a crush on him yeah and, and it's like, do I really like this lady or am I just sort of enjoying hanging out with her? And they've been friends for a while. So is it still platonic? I can't tell.

Do we know if this person, if Eleanor Roosevelt has feelings that are like developing faster than Harrison Ford's? He doesn't say, but maybe. But light making out feels like they've already moved past that. Making out, banter. He thought she was attractive. Recently found out that she concurred. Attractive. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. Mutual attraction. I mean, then,

and so then the chemistry is like not, maybe not there for this person right now. Yeah. Because they're like, we're kissing and it's not really that interesting. Right. Well, to be a contrarian, I, there's an argument to be made because he's like, just don't have the butterflies that i usually feel and there is science to suggest that that's like a more of an unsafe response and that when something is like you're nervous right when you

have the potential for longevity with somebody in a stable relationship and like an emotionally healthy relationship it lacks that excitement and buzz because you just feel comfortable and he even i think uses that language right he's like we just feel really comfortable with each other he also said he was excited he's like this is exciting it's like to me the whole entire question sounds like he likes her he's into her yeah but then he's like but i don't feel the butterflies so i wonder if you are feeling them and you're not recognizing them. Like the excitement and stuff. Right.

And that you were attracted to her before feels good. But like you said, if he has to ask, is the answer no? Yeah. That's what I mean. Like maybe he just wants an out to be like, it's okay. You're just friends. Maybe. But also I feel like this is like the magic eight ball where we need more information or need need more time i don't even know if that's on the magic eight ball ask another time

that's what it is basically i think they should keep on hooking up and see and see if the chemistry i agree if it's only light making out then maybe it's maybe the mood hasn't been right yet yeah maybe heavy making out needs to happen go from light to heavy yeah like like you said too maybe you need to get out of the comfort zone into a place you haven't been as friends yet like an environment a new activity go on a date yeah like romance it up right basically go on a date and then that's not like leading around too much one date and if it feels good then good and the date's not like, no offense, but it's not like

at a bowling alley, right? Yeah, we can agree. Do you mean no offense because I used to take girls to the bowling alley? Which is just, you know, like if it's too loud, it's not as straight.

It's tacky. Excuse me, I gotta go take this bowling ball and put it down the lane. It's actually a really, it's a really good first date. It's a very good first date. But they're not on a first date.

They need like lubricant somehow. Yeah, like mini golf. Okay, let's just take games off the table. That's what I'm suggesting. Okay. It's just like they need a... You're suggesting lubricant. A social, socially speaking.

Yeah. Don't like visit a Vaseline factory. I don't want him to just spook this person. Bring a bunch of alcohol it to the next date. Also, I think you can say, I'm nervous because we share a friend group. If you say this stuff out loud, it's not so overwhelming to just say, here's what gives me pause, but I want to explore this with you. And she's probably in the same boat because it's messy for everyone if it blows up. Also important is what are you looking for?

Because I think if it feels stable and reliable, but you're like, I want to fuck around for another decade. This is probably not going to work out. Right. I think if I met Amir 10 years ago, it's, you know, feeling comfortable would be not what I wanted. 10 years ago, he was a loser. Yeah. A loser. He was a hideous troll a decade ago.

We met nine years ago. What? Everything I do, I do it for you. You guys know that song right that song that one i know that one is brian adams from the robin hood prince of thieves soundtrack and i guess later on he did to really love a woman i'm shocked by you i can't get you've been ignoring us this entire time brian adams discography he did do 69. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a bang. By the way, he came up with that one in 1984, so it's not even an age thing. Summer of 69.

Oh, yes. Okay. Wow, was that easy to really love a woman? She's clearly trolling us. We're like supporting Jake in this weird fucking way where she's gaslighting us. We're being pranked. We're being pranked or gaslit.

Okay, my advice is to lower the lights. Okay, that's in the studio right now. Not in here. I'm not kidding. No, for this individual, seems to me like the lights are on too bright in this relationship. So lower the lights.

Yep. Bring some vulnerability into your conversations. This is beautiful, Jill. Talk about stuff that is not friendship oriented. It's really good. Talk about stuff that's just a little bit more... Risqué. Yeah.

Get into the. Get some butterflies in there. Yeah. I'm talking heavy making out. Heavy making out is the only way to. We were talking about having intimate conversations.

But that's what you'll turn into. And I'm talking about necking. Frenching. Deep Frenching. Yeah. Or you can have a conversation about sucking face

with each other or something like that. Yeah. And you have a conversation with her tongue. With your tongue. Yeah, no, I got it. In a French style. Excuse me.

Risk losing friends? Yeah. That's fine. That's fine. Because who needs friends when you have friends? But you're already risky. I feel like you're... I don't think it's super risky to take the next step.

You're not going too far if you do, you know, test out a romance. Yeah. So there is a chance he truly likes this girl, even though he doesn't realize he likes this girl. Well, he does kind of realize he likes her. He's mixed. Yeah. He should take her to mixed salad Salad Place on Sunset. But lower the lights.

Can I get the Chinese chicken salad and lower the lights, please? Clank, clank, clank. Everything's clanking. Do you want the cauliflower? It's really good here. It is so good. Great date food. Do you want this bowl of farts?

It's really good. He wanted to go literally bowling for farts literally for farts all right let's take a break thanks some sponsors come back answer more questions after these messages thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out.

But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let

y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the

ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Hey, Jill or Avital, do you guys have any? Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. So let's do this.

Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. Yeah, that was gross. Anyway. That was Amir that improvised that. Why? I don't know. Yeah, you'd have to ask.

You'd have to ask your fiance. That's another good one for the retrospectus. What's the first time we used that? I don't remember. Yeah, I don't remember. And why did you say I'm coming? I don't remember what that's another good one for the retrospect is what's the first time we used that i don't remember yeah i don't remember why did you say i'm coming i don't remember what that's from i think it was about someone's parent walking in on them um honestly it's so blue i don't even want to say but jerking it off to completion wait i think i understood that all all of that yeah yeah yeah that was clear we just didn't know why right yeah i think i was embodying such a depraved honestly probably i was doing a jake character and to get there i needed to like like there's another i remember

specifically you like joking about like blowing your grandfather like sucking and fucking your grandparents i think that sounds vaguely You're like talking about a cereal. It's like a cereal mascot or something. Some kind of like, yeah. Captain Crunch. Yeah, it was like a cereal tagline or something. But it was about like sucking your granddad off. Does it sound like me at all? Could you ever imagine me saying something so uncouth?

No. On air? On mic? On fleek? On air? Never. On mic? On fleek? On sweet. With on weave? There's no way. No way.

Bon me. All right, unsolicited advice. What do you got? I was talking to a friend who was wondering if she was unhappy in her marriage and was thinking about this time with someone else. Oh, this is when you were talking to Jill earlier? It's heavy. This is heavy stuff. Oh, this is when you were talking to Jill earlier? It's heavy. Nice, asshole.

Really nice. I thought we were just like talking. I wasn't going to name you, but it was... Oh, come on. She was saying, I'm pregnant. I just got a dog. I'm in too deep. I know everyone thinks they're having fun but me and Jill

are actually having a lot of trouble well I was joking so it seems like we're all having a good time but we are trial separated we have two episodes left to figure it out it's the first time I've seen Jill in a month why do you have to figure it out before the episodes

are over? otherwise he's gonna go off and not have a podcast to record every time I have these thoughts. That's how he deals with your thoughts. Just the question of considering when you miss someone, if you actually miss the time in your life when you were with them. Like an ex. Do you miss your time with Amir or do you miss being 25 and having your all your options open I think of that as sometimes uh when people who move to LA romanticize New York where it's like was New

York awesome or was being 24 in New York New York is awesome New York is the best New York's awesome yeah I'm 37 started eating his mustache when he said that. But yeah, like, or, you know, was having a job at College Humor Awesome when he was 20 is awesome. Stuff like when you associate a fun time in your life with something else. What were the other attachments? Yeah, it's really easy to conflate one thing with another. Yeah, because you do end up missing something that you like. I guess maybe that's like putting it back in like something that you feel like is attainable. It's like, oh, yeah, I guess maybe that's like putting, putting it back in like something that you feel like is attainable. It's like, oh, I'm, yeah, I miss this person. Like, well,

actually I could see if they're available. I miss this job. Oh, I could maybe try to work there again. I miss this city. Maybe I should move there. But yeah, if you associate it with, or if you realize like, I just miss being, I miss this era or I miss who I was, then it's like, it lets you move on rather than, I don't know, keep on circling back and trying to chase something. Can just save you a lot of heartache and time. Yeah. That said, you're still in love with your ex and I feel like you guys should give it another shot. Yeah, I had a dream about Harry Styles last night. I forgot you totally dated him.

I know. In high school. shot yeah i had a dream about harry styles last night i forgot you totally dated him i know but i told jake i was like i woke up and he was friends with us and but i think it was because jake went to a basketball game and i was like i think that makes him and sat like courtside i was like i think that makes jake very famous so you actually had a dream about me jakey yeah well you were just invited by a famous person you You weren't actually invited to the mix. Yeah, but I was there and I was courtside. And to someone who didn't know who Ben was, they also don't know who I am.

So who is famous? Yeah, who is the famous one? Excuse me? You were his plus one. Actually, not even his plus one, because he was asking around. I couldn't make it. Right.

He was supposed to go with his dad. Yeah, his dad got sick or something like that, couldn't it so then he invited me yeah i was like i'm not there but actually actually excuse me actually the the pr woman who was taking photos of bitton at msg turned to me and said that she was a big fan of our show wow yeah so i actually am pretty damn famous he actually am pretty when he came home he handed me a tootsie pop yeah and said i brought this back from the game for you was your boyfriend harry styles do this no that's the thing that made me think it was pretty cool he had like a bunch of candy access to free candy yeah you guys are pretty cool because i have i have lollipops get on the jumbotron?

I don't think so. I wasn't paying attention. There were a couple times that I looked up and other famous people were on the Jumbotron. Kevin Bacon and stuff like that. Yeah, so maybe they shot Ben at some point, but I wasn't paying attention. No, the camera would have been right in his face.

I have a counter story that I think balances out yours. So you have this Harry Styles dream and you're like, Harry Styles symbolizes Jake in the dream. I had a dream where Ethan Hawke was coming on to me and I was weighed down by this man and then I told him about it and I was like, but you'd be fine if I hooked up with

Ethan Hawke, right? And he was like, yeah, that'd be fair. So different strokes for different folks. It opened up different types of conversations. I would like if you're hot and above 60. You said 50. Also, like if you're hot and above 60. You said 50. Also, I don't think he's above 60. Is he not?

No. Ethan Hawke? No. He's got to be like 50-something. Maybe 50. If you're hot and above 50. I love 50. 50 is pretty low. 55.

But you can't box out Ethan Hawke. You already gave me permission. All right. Let's start with Ethan Hawke and go up. Which version of Ethan Hawke was it? Ethan Hawke age. It was like present day. Maybe a little younger.

He's 52. Yes. If you're hot and 52 and above you can hook up with them that gets extra cool as i approach 50 oh no it'll always be me plus 12 no i don't think so you plus 12 is actually not that much anyway i think that means amir loves me more than jake loves you because did you give her permission to i would i would help her i would would fucking wingman her. No, I literally was hanging.

Okay, great. I was also like, we were hanging out and it was cool. Like, it was so PG that I was like, I can tell Jake about this dream. Would you not have a sex dream?

Have I ever? Yeah. I don't know. Oh my God, it's official. Yes. Can I, can I give my unsolicited advice?

Yes. You're blushing and you're glowing. I didn't want this to have to happen, but I'm also aware of time because I have to pee, but I didn't think that was actually going to happen. Yeah, you could pee during the breaks for sure. You can also pee during the show. Just take the microphone with you. How much time do we have before a break?

I'll vamp. I can talk for another... No, before a break. Oh, an actual break? Maybe 15 minutes? Oh, great. 10 to 15? You're good. I'm good. Smoothies. a break i'll vamp i can talk for another no before oh an actual break maybe 15 minutes oh great 10 to 15 you're good i'm good okay um smoothies loving them okay through pregnancy put a bunch of stuff in it yeah and then it's like you can drink them in like five minutes and forget they

ever happen but you got you got the stuff in you are they a meal replacement or are they like a snack no they're like uh pack them up with a bunch of stuff. And then hopefully you still have an appetite after that because you're moving through your day. But you put enough in it, it can be a meal. But you got to be careful about that. Normally when I make a smoothie, it's pretty bare bones. I've talked about my recipe. You know it.

Banana, blueberry, strawberry, peanut butter, butter almond milk and that's really it sometimes so then i but then i started building off of that which what is what's in addition to that oh now it's like i throw in a bunch of hemp seeds i throw in a bunch of flaxseed and dates and liver. Sardines. You could even like, oh, like superfood powders, right? Like we're talking just- Spirulina. Yeah, spirulina. We're talking, what's the,

moringa, moringa. Yeah. Mung fruit. No, mung fruit's a sweetener. I haven't done that. Got it. Yeah, I don't mean that bad. Cardamom, thyme.

Tartar. Turmeric. Cardamom. thyme, turmeric, old bay. Oh, cinnamon, cinnamon. Cinnamon. And then spinach, frozen spitch. Spitch. Frozen spitch. Yeah, he's the great one.

I'll make it for you. Trace minerals, okay? You can just do loose trace minerals? Just 10 droplets of that. I mean, see what we're talking? Magnesium. I didn't know that existed. I'm just.

Are you putting these in the. Tell me if this is too invasive. Are you using the Nutribullet or the Ninja? No, not a Ninja. Never. A Vitamix. Which do we have? A Vitamix. Vitamix. Well, fancy. Okay. do we have? A Vitamix.

Vitamix. Whoa, fancy. So are you using the Vitamix or are you using the Nutribullet? That's serious. I'm using, I know where he's leading. He's leading the witness. The Rolls Royce of blenders. I'm using the Vitamix still.

I have a preference for the Vitamix. You like the Vitamix more than the Nutribullet. Personally. It's an investment and it's paid off. I think the Nutribullet is. That's when you drink out of the Vitamix. You like the Vitamix more than the Nutribullet. It's an investment and it's paid off. I think the Nutribullet is... That's when you drink out of the cup. Yeah. And actually, maybe I talked about this on the show already.

You're the only one that would know because our significant others don't listen to the show or care about us, frankly. I went from the Nutribullet. I thought I upgraded to the Vitamix. And now I've gone back to the Nutribullet. Because of convenience or because of what? Convenience. It's just easier to drink out of and wash that. It's easier to load that. Load, drink,

wash. We also, we keep our blender put away. So whenever I'm using that like big ass Vitamix, I'm like grabbing it at the base out of the drawer, grabbing all of the pieces, assembling it. There's a lot more to wash. So I really like the NutriBullet. Mind you, the NutriBullet's not on the counter.

It's still in a closet away. But you're saying it's like two objects instead of, or whatever, three. It's a lot lighter, easier to clean. You're making these monster smoothies, so you need to. Yeah, because I would say every time I do that NutriBullet situation, it leaks somehow. Or it's just like I'm picking up the whole thing and flipping it on its head.

It's not as good of a blender. It's more convenient. I think so. But again, I don't want to, you know, this is not a hashtag sponsored. I'm just sort of. No, that's like the gold standard is the Vitamix. That's the way to go.

We're poor and don't have one. Yeah, we have to mash the smoothies by hand. The trick is your wedding. Your wedding is coming up. Oh, yeah. Not to mention. Yeah. Then you get a rebate.

I mean, there's no... I'm not out here trying to say everyone should go buy something. Yeah, a $700 blender. But... Buy Trace Minerals. You can go buy Trace Minerals, but not a new blender. You ever make savory stuff in a blender? Yes.

Like hula hoops? Yeah, like a tahini or something. Like salad dressings. Yeah. You ever make savory stuff in a smoothie blender? Yes. Really? Like a tahini or something. Like a salad dressing. Yeah. You'll do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do that. Green goddess dressings. You do that in the vitamins?

Soups? Yeah, you can take it. No, just right there in the Nutribullet that you drink out of. Why? I'll put parsley and salt where you drink the smoothie. I really hope not. I certainly hope you use the food processor, darling. I really hope you use the food processor, darling. I really hope

you use the food processor. No, I take a soup and I put it in the Vitamix. In the Vitamix. And then the soup purees it. Yeah. Boom, boom. It's got that horsepower.

I wish we talked about that. Let's talk immersion blenders. We love. What's there to talk about? Well, I'll eat raw veggies and immersion blender my mouth. Ouch. That visual is so painful.

It purees everything. That's why I got the cuts. Yeah, like it's an oral bee. Yeah. Sonicare of sorts. I did immersion blender a finger and had to go by accident. Yeah. Jesus.

So that really struck a chord. I'm triggered now and I have to go. I'm so sorry. I should have done at least a trigger warning for you. Thank you. But we didn't know each other then, right? You sliced your finger before. Yeah.

Or because of. Yeah, I knew knew i was gonna meet him in preparation oh and i was just asking jake last night i didn't meet jake until uh before you started this podcast until after we started the podcast oh wow right so the podcast is technically the oldest relationship in this room yes wow wow well jill and i go back about 40 years really back when ethan hawk was 12 because when did we start the podcast that's actually none of your business wow it actually literally is my business that's the aggressive i don't know i said may of 2013 yeah wow 10 years ago yeah and we started i think we started dating i guess september october november december yeah of that year 2013 yeah so just barely you guys are in the lead yeah versus you guys

cool we can chart our entire fucking lives through this pod i wonder if our voices sound different just because when i was a 29 year old if i sounded like a i do what do you want to do between hey guys welcome to a better you that's what you sound like now what's that that's how you sound now not really i couldn't really hear a difference yeah i was going like this is my normal voice what are you gonna do a different voice yeah this is the different voice can you not hear the difference go ahead ahead. Yeah, tell me the difference. Yeah, show us. Talk like how you used to talk yourself. We're asking you to start now. Start now. Yes.

And then this is my normal voice. Right. Do you not hear anything? Right, no, your normal voice we hear. Normal voice we hear. And this is the high-bitch crazy 29-year-old. Right now? And it's confounding.

Oh, no, you said that. As I talk right now, I'm using a high-bitch fucking voice. Sorry. Ah, why is that foamy? Oh, tell them about the two pumps of hand soap. That's water. That was the other unsolicited advice that I didn't want to give because it would be sponsored. But I'm really liking, oh, it went back down.

Element salts in water. It's like electrolytes that you can add to water. Oh, my brother was on brand. I really love it. I'll sidebar with you. It's really, first of all, helps me stay hydrated because I'm drinking more water because it tastes better. And then also, yeah, you don't have to do like Gatorade with all the

added stuff. Love Gatorade too, but this is supposed to be a cleaner electrolyte and it tastes really good. Very nice. I'm making my own Gatorade these days. Whoa! Drop the recipe. I am. I got coconut water. I got lemon. I got those trace minerals,

and I got some remedy, and I got- What's remedy? Salt, and I got some raw honey. I'm just still worrying about the blender, by the way. I'm doing the blender she's using. It doesn't fucking matter.

It matters to me. It really doesn't matter. It matters to me. It seems like she's often using the Vitamix. She's never using the Vitamix. You mix those ones up how? That, I don't. It's in a cup mix those ones up how? That, I don't.

It's in a cup. Just in a cup. Yeah, I don't need a blender for a drink. I want to try your homemade gay raid. Thank you. It's called haterade. Thank you. And you've actually been drinking it for years.

Nice. You should splice in some from the first episode and the last episode. It'd be so sweet. It'd be fun to just react to the first five minutes of, I've never listened to it. Yeah. Yeah. I listened to it like the week that it came out and I've never listened to it again.

Yeah, yeah. A retrospect. I listen to them all every night before I go to bed. All 500 days. This is so funny. This is amazing. That happened on our last episode too. No one loved it.

One of you reached out for a, and Allison never noticed it. She sat there for 30 seconds. Longer. It felt like forever. Do you have a dude's name for this question? Bingo. Nice. Bingo's brother.

Bingo was his name-o. Let me start off by saying I love you dudes and i've been it's been fun growing up with you for the past 15 years thanks started watching your videos in middle school and now i'm 30 yes we are oh god i started watching your college humor videos in middle school but now i'm a 30 year old fighter pilot for the u.s marine club whoa shit there's an officer on deck. Can I get his info? He's been waiting for that. Can you what? I need his info. Why? For a project.

Holy shit. I know. Wow. I've been in the Marines for over eight years now. And to be honest, I love it. I'm doing the job I dreamed of since I was a kid. Flying a fighter jet is intense. Let's hear the whole question before you get his fucking info.

He's going to be like, my dick's so tiny. No, that's the thing. His cock is so big, it doesn't fit in the pit. Is that the only problem? It's not social. It's work. Fighting a fighter blade is intense, challenging, and awesome, as you can imagine. I'm so caught up in this career, I truly can't imagine what I'd do outside the Marine Corps that could ever compare.

As much as I love my career, it's equally tough on my wife. Sorry. Because you're stuck with a podcaster. as much as I love my career it's equally tough on my wife sorry because you're stuck with a podcaster fucker did that sound different? we're all three trying for it to not that one sounded exactly like me unfortunately

we've been together for 10 years now five married and we have two kids and a three-year-old and a newborn. Those are the two kids. My wife and I have moved four times in just the last five years since we got married, and it's really hard on her to get a career started. Additionally, she's always dreamed of raising her kids back home with our families,

but as long as I'm on active duty, it can't happen because there aren't any bases nearby. She's told me that she's willing to stick it out in the Marine Corps with me for a full career, which is 20 years, because she knows how passionate I am. But my question is, am I the asshole to put my wife through all this? The moves, starting over, a new place, career setbacks, challenges, deployments, being gone for stretches, while she shoulders the burden of raising kids. The list goes on and on, just in pursuit of living out my boyhood dream is it

really worth it this guy sounds like the best person who's ever emailed i will love my country and my wife but i'd hate to be unfair to either is it really uh worth it for me to put the partner i love there's that much turmoil not to mention i live out my dream while she's denied her own god this guy sounds awesome so sensitive too and he thinks about you when you're home what are you doing are you doing the laundry are you lifting your weight when you're home what would you do if you were me that's his question what would you do if you were that's a good question yeah and i agree with jillian i think that it's i don't think that it's like a zero-sum game where you're going to be happy and she's going to be miserable.

I think there are things you can do in your home to make her happy and have it feel like her dream is coming true also. Yeah. But he does feel like it's unfair. He gets to live out his childhood fantasy. Well, I mean, also look at the positive. I don't know, like, the details of it, but I do believe that, like, military families are really supportive. Like they have like good health care. They have really good benefits.

So you are like, you know, while you're having fun and living your dream, you're doing a lot of really good work. And providing for your family. And if she said it's okay, I feel like you got to trust her. I mean, you know, sometimes we just say things, but if she's insisting that this is fine, we also don't know what her dream is. Like he might be her dream. Whoa.

That's really nice to say. He might be her dream. Can you turn that into a song? To really love a woman. Now does it sound familiar? Would you be down to be married to a military man? I mean, that's not, I don't want to be the person to say no, but probably no. You don't support our troops.

I'll be tall. I know. I would do it for God and country. It is, it's like, okay, wait, wait. It's as if you were just asking me, would you want to marry an NFL player? Honestly, maybe not. Interesting. What about a cornerback?

You have to live with the team. You know what I mean? You have to be the, your house is where the athlete needs to live, right? I just think that is kind of a. You'd be secondary to the career. Yeah, there was also even a point where it athlete needs to live, right? And like, I just think that is kind of a... You'd be secondary to the career. Yeah, like there was also even a point where it's like, well, you have to just make a decision of where you want to be in your life.

Like if we thought we were going to live in LA our whole lives, it's like, that's a huge... But he was traded to Cleveland and now you have to live in Cleveland or some shit. Right, right. But at the same time, he's in the NFL. So it's fucking awesome. It wouldn't matter.

It's golden handcuffs yeah and so any anything that is like a relationship has golden handcuffs i feel like you're picking your choice that's your choice right there uh but well trust me there's four of us you don't have to worry about that jake's never making it to a professional athletic feel have you ever seen this guy throw a football? I'm going to kick your ass. He's coming for me. He has very bony fingers. What happened to his hands? Oh no.

He broke his fingers. Shit. He T-Rexed over here. Make fun of me again. You're screwed. What about you? Do you wish I was a professional athlete? No. That's awesome. I don't really care about sports, but you wish i was a professional athlete no that's awesome i don't really care about sports but you wish you were a professional athlete so i guess i do wish it for you thank you

you want to be married to a wnba star yeah imagine like so it's me and sue bird she has like two mvps is she over 52 now that's a great question does that work go both ways do i get your age plus 12 or my age plus 12 your age plus 12 shit sue bird is probably like 41 42 well we can make exceptions for if she's your dream i don't want to deny you do get a hall pass rebecca lobo yeah who's that an even older wnba star but i don't even think she's 52. Yeah, I'll break up his marriage and try to make it work if that's what you want. That's obviously what you're angling for.

I just want someone to make this guy happy. It sounds like she's making him happy. Yeah. I think you need to stop blaming yourself for thinking you're the bad guy. Just think of the positive things and have a conversation with your wife about these feelings.

But I feel like you're doing, you know, arguably better than us. Yeah. The email paints him as a very likable, considerate man. Yeah. Just the fact that he's thinking about this stuff. Yeah. He's also eight years in,

so he says it's roughly 20 years. Right, so she's another 20. I mean, if she's ever like, hey, I want to pursue this thing and it's in conflict with what his trajectory has been, then have the conversation. But if right now she's like, we have a newborn and you're like, my leave or whatever is great to take care of this baby. Yeah. That's what she wants.

Yeah. If it's army is like land and Navy is ocean what's marine um well you know he says he's a naval pilot no that's top gun wait isn't that what he said he is what did he say it was he said he's in the marine corps check he's right in front of you i can't read so here's my vision of this superstar we're talking about. Yeah, he said he's in the U.S. Marine Corps. He's on a plane sometimes when he's deployed. And that plane is like also has little planes inside of it. Oh, that's awesome.

And then those little planes get shoot out when the time comes. Is that what you call a bullet, a little plane? Right. Yeah. Sort of a Russian doll with planes. And so those come out of the plane. That's cute. Out of like the butt of the plane and then they all like go overseas you should be a general you should be a general is that why you wanted

some research it's a project so i know you have one big plane and lots of little planes and the little planes come out the ass of the big plane can we invade Kuwait her sound effect was much better than yours that was not as good as that I have a lot of questions about Guam like where did we land there and can we land on there and where do we land there

yeah you're thoughtful for asking but ultimately it's maybe fine. Yeah, ask your wife. Ask your wife. Tell her about it. Billy Joel style. Call your wife now.

Kill your girlfriend. Say you've had the talk with a podcast. I don't know this song. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right, let's take another break. People can use the restroom if they want. Okay.

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Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. If you're watching on YouTube, you see the dingo in the studio. The ding-dang. He's a carpet on a couch. He's in heaven. Dingy, dingy.

A rug boy. What do you guys think of dingo so far? Love him. Yeah. He's my best friend. Yeah. How long have you had him? I'd throw myself in a bus,

in front of a bus for him. I you had myself in a bus in front of a bus for him i would throw myself in a bus i would ride the bus for him he's a really good boy how long have you had him since august yeah so like end of august not even a year not even a year i do you feel like you have maximum love for the dingo boy oh i think it's just gonna keep increasing like it increased even just like in the last two weeks. Oh, yeah. Was there a thing that happened or just? We like were away for a little while. And then when he came back, he was just so damn sweet.

And he really remembers me. I'm like, I didn't, I'm never, I was never a dog person. So now I'm learning. Is this the first dog that you love? Yeah, of course. You don't love my parents' dog, Charlie? This is the first dog I've ever owned that I've loved. That's good.

Yeah. Actually, let's take that again. We all love Charlie. I'm not a dog person. I say I'm a dingo person. Oh, yes. He's a good boy. Sort of like me with Luke a little bit.

Yeah. Although you've warmed up to other dogs now. Yeah. Luke has opened Amir's capacity to love. Yeah. Period. Mostly, you know, other animals. Yeah.

He's made you love more deeply and wholly. And soon Dingo will be my dog. I wonder if your child will make you change your relationship with Dingo. Possibly because I just will have like divided attention and now he gets all my attention when i first come home yeah that said i the child love will be different than the dog love yeah okay so like and he's also we've i think the only thing that could make me i'll never i'll i love him the max right now and i think it'll just keep on going but like the only thing that would make me like frustrated with him is if he was bad with the baby.

He won't be. You can tell already. We've been hanging out with my nephew. He's one, and he's so gentle and good with him. And we've also been walking around the house playing babies crying on Spotify. And every time he hears the baby cry, we give him a treat. So he's getting used to it. That's so smart.

Yeah, I read to do it online. That's a genius. You can also bring the baby blanket back to him before you're home and put it around his neck and he'll get used to the baby. Baby smell. We need these tips because I have heard we should come into the house after we're gone, right? First, don't come in with baby.

Well, what do you do? Leave the baby outside? Just for one night. One of us goes in. Just for one night. One of us waits outside. Go in. I don't know.

I honestly don't know. I didn't think that far. Yeah, actually, Dingo's getting mad that we're talking about the baby. He's storming out of the studio. I've never seen him like this. He just put on a hat and he's giving a huff. He says he's too old for this shit. But he's only nine months.

I can't believe you guys, but it's been since August. In my mind, it's been like three months. He's grown. He's a giant. He's a giant. Okay, one last question to rule them all. Yeah. This is from a lady.

So maybe Julian has her first name. And Avital, you can do her last name okay oh uh julianne moore teamwork don't knock the camera dingo julianne moore writes i hope this email finds you well i have a history of trauma and i have a lot of anxiety and insecurities that i feel like that's led me to sabotage relationships. I feel like I've gotten used to people not accepting and loving the way I am, so I expect them to leave and then they do and I don't want that. Do you have any thoughts on how I can stop sabotaging my own relationships and or how I can become more secure, peaceful, light, and free? I wish I could just wake up and not have any neuroses. Will anyone ever want to be

in a romantic relationship with me when I'm like this? History no oh p.s i've been in and out of therapy for 10 years trying to work uh work on this i definitely believe that it has improved but i'm still not where i want to be i'm almost 30 and i feel like i'll never have a sustaining happy relationship at this rate yeah i would say give up give up try emdr i'm kidding but i know she's done therapy but emdr is like a you know condensed what's it stand for um or what it's it's like a known thing it's like yeah or something it's eye movement desensitization and reprocessing okay yes it's like uh it's supposed to where therapy is kind of indefinite and you come back every week. And I personally was like, every week is not going to do it.

Like I have a lot of issues. An hour a week is tough and sometimes it's less, but EMDR is meant to be like a contained period where you work through like a specific trauma and reprocess it. And it just is a speedier thing. Chuck Rhodes does it on billions. Oh, Chuck Rhodes does EMDR. i've never seen billions but

there we go but now not a bad for that there's a lot of science behind it it seems so bizarre because it's really about like bilateral stimulation while you're processing which can be um that's why the eye movement whatever like some people it's moving sideways i did it with like buzzers and they go off in each hand some people have done it over zoom and there's like a thing that moves back and forth even like um uh beat saber is a little bilateral stimulation um so vr game practical yeah uh seems like very self-aware the only flag i had here is like you're 30 like give it time 30 is super young or almost 30 yeah yeah almost so young like it's still this is a long journey for sure but 30 feels like doesn't have it's arbitrary it doesn't have to be some kind of milestone age where everything

has to be in place in order for life to happen. I think I, I was feeling like this person to an extent. And then I met Joe when I was 28. Oh really? Yeah. Holy smokes. You had a self sabotaging relationships. I don't think, yeah.

I mean, I definitely didn't have as much trauma as this person, but I was, I was sabotaging relationships and also just like thinking that I was a bad guy. So I shouldn't be in a relationship uh and i needed to like reframe that interesting like thinking that i was a good guy so i deserved a good relationship but that's great advice reframing yeah but i mean it sounds like doing therapy to help you do it seems pretty good i just got lucky also i've been his emdr you are

okay his jill i want to share that one stand for uh jillian beat saber lover lab j i oh sorry i thought you said i beat saber i beat saber so the most like um uh insightful moment i've ever witnessed a mirror to have ties into this i think about this all the time because uh i'd say like your eq is that what it's called the emotional eq it's not like crazy high oh emotional intelligence yeah yeah yeah um but you're very good at math that's true you know you have to balance it out like you can't have it all ladies choose what's most important to you choose choose what's hottest being emotionally intelligent or being good at or how about splitting the bill really nice how about 20 of 800 i literally know it's 160 that fast would you rather have that or someone who knows okay yeah so i'm trying to distract from avital telling us about a time that you were

worried it'll be about something about my small dick or something why why would that be anything so it is small he admitted it it's a i haven't seen it we're waiting until we get married that's the right answer um okay so i the the saying that everybody that you hear all the time is like you can't really be loved by another person until you love yourself blah blah blah and so i also was like i'm too fucked up i'll never be in anything healthy and i don't think that's true because i think you like accepted me anyway before that but i um would sabotage everything and would always find ways to ruin things. And at one point we were having some kind of fight and it was that.

It was like I was just looking for some way to blow it up. And I'm going to tell you what Amir said, but I feel like it's all in the delivery and mine is probably not as good. Mine might sound condescending, but it was so genuine and sweet in the moment. Amir just went, I don't like it when you try to make yourself sad.

And it like cut to the quick of what was happening that's nice i don't remember saying that but that's really cool line yeah i'm glad i did say yeah it meant nothing to him and it's like the moment that crystallized any sort of emotional i was eating a hoagie while i said it oh sorry i'm on a bluetooth I was talking to the TV band you just answered the first question with that advice I remember you bringing that up earlier on but I don't remember specifically what the fight was or anything like that

I don't either because it didn't matter it was just sabotage it was just a way so I do think like what you were saying like Jillian sort of diffused that in you and Amir sort of diffused that in me and I don't want to give the advice of like the right person will like you i mean definitely try to work on it but i but yeah i think i mean that's why i think it was like in tandem like i was i was kind of like giving myself um i was doing like daily affirmations and like still like failing and and i would do them sometimes and be like you're such a piece of shit and like say it, you know, do my whatever. So I don't think that's what an affirmation is.

I would do an affirmation in the morning, be a shithead and then like, you know, do it again in the next day. But like, you know, with feeling like I just keep on letting myself down. But I think working on yourself in tandem with looking for something and then like maybe the two things can coincide

and it's the right time. And you've, you're not perfect but you've done enough work um just to be like ready for the relationship that helps you work through the rest of the stuff or meet somebody who doesn't mind if you're a continual work in progress and we all are there's no like the finish line is death that's it you never get to a point where you're like, I'm healed now. Yeah. But death is perfect because it's so final. Yeah. Then you're done. Yeah. Well, it's also where you were.

My dad, I think it comes from some Jewish proverb, but like the real question isn't like which rung of the ladder you're on. It's where you were the day before. So it's not like about how high it's the direction. Yeah. That's really nice. That's good too. Thank you, Howard Ash. Shout out.

All the men in your life saying really wise shit. Every once in a while with the rest of the time, like, nothing at all. We like to starve you so that when we get more of the toilet from the bathroom. Well, you quit it with the echoey farts. That was one year. I lived with you. The most echoey, echoey farts. Jill remembers.

I remember them I can't I'm not gonna do a sound effect I'm not gonna do it justice you're 100% for sound effects now

you don't know if you want to drop I really shouldn't that's my business you can pay me for that alright good advice what affirmations

were you using I was I remember talking about love being like a tree that had like deep roots and also like reached for the light and expanded. Wow.

So like trying to, I was basically trying to ground myself and give myself some kind of foundation. Which Jill has a very grounding energy. Yeah. Yeah. I was trying to become a tree and I feel like Jill's helped me become a tree. I love that. It's so poetic. Thank you.

Actually, Amir means top of tree. It's true. Wow. And I technically am the tree of life right now and jillian means trunk of tree we're a squirrel right well it's close what does that be taught me uh morning dew awesome and what does jillian actually mean i don't know like maybe baby lamb or something oh it does mean baby does it i think i took someone else's from hebrew school and started using it as mine because i said this back to jake recently and then i was like is it and? And it's it was like, that's what Talia means. And I'm like, oh, I definitely just took Talia's

Jewish name. Talia is due of God because the Tal is in my name also. What? This is so confusing. And also it's not Jillian. It'd be like my Hebrew name, no? Yeah. Oh, the name Lamb means lamb actually. But what about like... 15 lovely names that

mean lamb. I think it was Hannah. It was Hannah's because it's like that's the Jewish name. Oh yeah, Gil means lamb. but what about like 15 lovely names i think it was hannah it was hannah's because it's like that's the jewish oh yeah gil means lamb so maybe jill or kana then for hannah right right rachel means what is jacob oh yeah talia also is lamb what is jacob oh okay i was wrong this is weird wait but talia maybe it's like and so then a coincidence that she and i were both lambs in our hebrew school yeah because we got lambs, we got sheeps, we got goats. But you know, because you speak enough Hebrew, that talia would mean do of God. Unless it's maybe one of those were combined. The words mean something, but as one word is something else.

This one means to follow, be behind. But it can also mean to supplant or overreach. That's what Dingo means? That's what Jacob means. Oh, right, because he grabbed the ankle of Esau. You should change your name to Esau. Yeah, Esau is the big, strong, cool brother, and Jacob grabbed him by the heel and tried to get out first.

To supplant him. Yeah, to supplant. That's right. Wow. Well, you did want to be a plant. What about the name Juno? And I wanted to reach like a tree. What about it. That's right. Wow. Well, you did want to be a plant. What about the name Juno? And I wanted to reach like a tree. What about it?

It's beautiful. Are there other things that mean lamb? Juno is one of them. You're just looking at names. Yeah. Or Carolyn or something. Last minute audible. If you want to go.

Carolyn. How do you guess the baby's name? We did it. We, I mean you. Rachel also. Where did the abortion thing come from? You should tell them about that. Oh, yeah. Ter, I mean you. Rachel also. Where did the abortion thing come from? You should tell them about that. Oh, yeah.

Terrible names for babies. I saw like some lists on a meme and one of them was abortion. Oh, my God. As a bad name. As a bad name. It's so funny. Really bad. Really bad.

Shockingly bad. But also kind of beautiful. Not really. No. Not the meaning. Just the sound. Just the sound of it. The sound. I don't even know about that. It's like Porsche, of beautiful. Not the meaning. Just the sound. Just the sound of it. The sound.

I don't even know about that. It's like Portia, but prettier. Yeah, Portia. Portia Durasi. Portia's great. Yeah. All right, Jill, Avital. I'm glad we snuck it in.

I'm not ready. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I've listened to every single episode, and I'm not ready for them to end. Well, you haven't listened to any of them yet. I've listened to one. What has this podcast meant to you two? You know,

the big thing for me, so big congratulations to you. I don't know if I've gotten to say it to you in person is that you had a member, a cast member of the White Lotus on the podcast. So I did listen to that episode. Shout out to Adam DeMarco. Love the White Lotus a lot. And you had the gall to have him on not having finished the show.

Unbelievable. I've tried so hard. Did you? He did. He did. He downloaded all the episodes. I think I was like I was like half an episode behind

when we had him on. He was maybe sick the week before. Okay, fine. I'll let it slide. And I was going to just say I'm more mad than him for sure. It's been lovely watching your friendship these last few years. Oh, that one was good too yeah it's the white lotus

way to make me look bad they're the big two i think i should say adam demarco i just said white load but you know what i mean anybody from that show i would be thrilled right for you guys and you don't care if we're friends or not no i mean this ends as soon as the podcast oh yeah totally i'll never speak to jacob ever again oh i mean you saw what his name meant overreach he's trying to pull you by your heel exactly i'm an esau to him the last 10 years it felt like at least exactly not it should be a seesaw instead i was gonna say it you guys are more like a seesaw than an esau that's pretty good. He said that's pretty good because he's silent.

Yeah. It's so good, I almost said it. You did say it. Anything to promote? What about your child? Your upcoming child? Hey, coming soon.

Coming May 12th. Ba-ba-da-ba-ba. Boom, boom, boom, boom. May 12th-ish. Ish. Plus or minus. Yeah. Four weeks.

You want to drop the name real quick? Just the name? Mm-hmm. We can bleep it out. No. You have it already? Yep. All right.

Middle name too? What if you meet her and she upsets your expectation? Oh, that's interesting. You can't fully name a child. Your face was really good. I'm a parent. I made the decision. Okay, great.

No, I like that. Let her know real quick she's under your thumb it is what it is whatever burgeoning personality she has does not matter i think you'd be more unfair if i waited yeah um do you have anything to promote anything to no no reference check out no so avital you get two wow um i'll be at Edinburgh Fringe in August, for all of August, if you're in the UK or if you're nearby or if you're not. You've got some Scottish fans. And want to come.

Are you going to go, Amir? I might go at the end of it. Nice. Oh, my God. I'll be at Monkey Barrel, which is a really cool venue. Well, they have all these pop-up venues, so I won't be at Monkey Barrel, but I'll be with Monkey Barrel, one of their venues. And then depending on when it comes out,

I'm going to do my hour online as well via nowhere comedy so you can that'll be in may um i'm figuring out the date but i'll do an hour and you can watch from anywhere in the world because it'll be over zoom and it's the first time i'm going to be like trying to sell tickets to something so that's nerve-wracking will it be on avitalash.com you know it should be i don't know if i trust myself to update it but i'll say yes but maybe you'll want to check say yes now it'll hold you to it okay yes also I'll put like a link tree on my Instagram and you can find that stuff there

at avitalash all right two two plugs Instagram and then avitalash and I'll also plug Natalie Porcupine whose upcoming birth I'm very excited for I'm gonna be an aunt finally all right sweet uh thanks to you

guys for listening thanks for watching thanks for doing submitting theme songs questions it's all at if i were you show at gmail.com we're still making videos on our patreon patreon.com slash j a john and that will continue to carry on so if you miss already, check us out there. Let's hear that theme song again. It was written by a robot. But it was conceived of by, did I ever say his name? Yeah. And we talked about his website. Yeah.

Jake Berg. It's Jake Berg. Yeah, on Instagram. So thank you, Jake. Thank you, AI Chat GPT. Let's hear it one more time. And we'll be back next week for maybe the last time ever. give you a clue, gold mic for Jake, turdy for Amir, two comedians bringing laughter, don't you fear.

Jake with his wit, and Amir with his frown, asking questions, and putting them to the test, sometimes Jake becomes the game boy, and Amir the chipmunk that's always a mess. If I were you, what would I do, ask Jake and Amir, they'll give you a clue, gold mic for Jake, turdy for Amir, two comedians bringing laughter, don't you fear? So tune in every week to If I Were You, where Jake and Amir will answer your questions too. They'll bring the laughs and the giggles galore with a comedic theme that'll have you wanting more.

That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brook Linen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set,

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