Segments - 589: The End Is Here

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

Will Amir kiss Jen Aniston? Will Jake's child be born soon? Will Ben Schwartz join the show? Find out, in the series finale of "If I Were You". Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662.

Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Well, the name of the show is If I Were You. And yeah, this is the first episode. So this is the first and only advice podcast on the internet.

From us. Hosted by us. Yeah, exactly right. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. If I were you, the show a decade long draws to its ending For our friends Jake and Amir Starbucks suicide, is it impending? They've helped and mocked us all. They've answered each and every question. And more, much more than this, they did it their way. way Gold Mike's

Jake's won a few Is this the time he takes a turdy Shmuel What's he have to do

So come on Josh This chipmunk's 40 he have to do so come on Josh this chipmunks 40 Basil Ben Schwartz Middle Ditch to name some guests

and of course Jake's mom Gameboy Croissant Crandis They all did it their way

But what is this show? What has it got? If not poi juice then it has not. They say the things they truly feel. And give advice that maybe heals. Let the podcast close With this final show

As they do it their way Hugh Grant is 58. Oh, okay. He's here. Yeah. Love you. Okay. Kisses.

I love my money. What's the problem with that? Cut him loose, Whitney. Wees. I love my mother. Cut him loose, Whitney. We have a question from a lady. I'm actually humbled, honored, and chuffed. If I were you, show me power. That was beautiful It was a retrospective

Thank you Thank you Thank you To Squarespace for sponsoring this episode Oh my god If you want to build a website That was Matthew Kazakos. Let me pull that up.

Yeah, Kazak. Yeah, I mean, we got a few theme song submissions that wanted to be the last, the final theme song. So we're going to use all of them? Not all of them, but we're going to hit the great ones. But I felt like that was the most ideal opening salvo. Yeah, yeah. It had it all. It had my mommy's laugh. it had your mom's laugh it had us at the beginning from the first episode and i

we i think we do sound young we sound a lot younger than we do now yeah definitely we're little babies at the very least me uh let me pull up this so it's matthew kazakos no plugs but shout out to my brother ben kazakakos, for his help with the song. He's been a fan of yours since the beginning. Cool. So maybe he helped put together the highlights. The Kazakos brothers. Yeah.

Did you get like the live show clips in there of like Hugh Grant is 58? Yeah. That was at the Gramercy, right? Was it? Yeah. We had a guest. It was Ben, I think. Ben Thomas, yeah.

Yeah. They fucking, the crowd, just hearing Siri go, Hugh Grant, it's 58. That should be our next podcast. Just who's 58. Who's 58. The show. Wow. It's that easy?

Yeah. But then people can cheat. I guess we can roll dyes. Oh, yeah. You roll a die. D&D style. To determine the number. You can roll a D. Oh, yeah. You roll a die. D&D style. To determine the number. You can roll a D100, actually.

Who's 100? There has to be a celebrity who's 100. Is there a celebrity that's 100? It was almost Betty White. The queen. Congrats on the amazing run. Thank you for all the laughs. We will miss this show and look forward to your next adventure

There you have it Respect, thank you And we'll play a few other ones throughout this final episode as well Unless, should we just say like fuck it and do like Seven more? Seven more songs? No, seven more eps Oh right, well we have to because Squarespace is sponsoring a seven episode run

Yeah, a nice extra order That you have to deliver While you're on paternity leave. Right. They wanted me to do it. They wanted me to host it with my daughter. Yeah. Just, it's cute to imagine a newborn wearing little headphones. Yeah.

For cash. Yeah. It's adorable. Your child hasn't been born yet. No. Not yet. We should say. Yeah.

She is. So this is leading up all the way basically to the precipice. This is the very last. I arguably shouldn't even be here right now, but I wanted to record the last episode in person. Right, you're cutting it close. And actually, by the time this episode comes out, there is a world where she has been born. For sure. There's a world where she's born by the time I finish recording this episode right now.

Yeah. By the way, are you on do not disturb mode? Because i know i don't want like text or stuff coming and being like so i am on do not disturb but i have an exception for jill so that's just if she goes into labor i have to i have i honestly at that if she goes into labor i have to finish this episode do a couple more things around la just an ad yeah we have to get to the athletic greens ad yeah i'm gonna record all the ads and then I'll get home. I wonder how it was like when our parents were, you know, having us as kids. Like, were our dads that casual?

Because there was no cell phones at the time. Is it like, my dad's at work and I hope nothing happens. And if it does, we'll see you at 9 p.m. tonight. I feel like there were so many stories of dads missing births. And now it's like, that's the last thing I could imagine. Or like, yeah, he like gets to the waiting room. It's like, yeah, are they born yet? Like the doctor comes out.

Smoking a cigarette. Just finished golfing. And then the idea of paternity leave just didn't exist. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm taking a nice chunk of time for paternity leave. Actually, we wanted to, we were talking about that. Oh, yeah.

Our first guest is HeadGum's HR. Which is just Marty letting you know that you're probably taking too much paternity leave, so we should bring this podcast back after what will probably be a one to two week hiatus, maybe.

I'll probably sneak in a bonus episode or four. Smart. Yeah, two bonus episodes on a Thursday. It's funny to call this episode the last episode ever. And then next week it's just like, we're back. It's like, sorry, did you think we didn't know? We thought it would drive up subscriptions. It really didn't.

So we're just going to keep on keeping on. It did make the last, the, we got lucky with like Alison, Jill, Avital. Yeah. Like leading up to this episode so yeah it does feel like more substantial more specific more special since we announced was there anything that made you regret uh ending the show or do you feel you feel 100% I'm at peace it has been nice that uh I'm getting like tweets and people posting to our subreddit being like oh this is a bummer i listen every monday night have for the last 10 years and it's gotten me through some stuff and this is gonna be sad when it's over all of these like all of those comments make me be

like oh shit i didn't realize you liked it i'll keep on doing this show i'm sorry yeah well those people people who listen to the podcast once a week they don't write in and be like just wanted to let you know that i listen and i'm glad that you're keeping it up. You have to sort of threaten and in this case actually leave for them to miss you. Right. Wow. We made good on our promise. Yes.

Although what we could have done was just say that we're leaving and then get all the adoration. Right. It's kind of like. Going to your own funeral. Yeah. When celebrities die, it's like, oh my God, I love this. And here's all these amazing stories about the celebrities. Like, oh, why don't you tell this stuff while they were still alive? Yeah. This is like we get to have that stuff while we're still alive. Right. But yeah, it's not like we got a we got any. That's another good idea for our next podcast. Eulogies. Oh, that's pretty good. We have a celebrity on every single week and we just give, we give a, we basically behave as if they're dead. Yeah.

So, oh, that's, that was a, that was a live show that I went to at, I think just for laughs. They do like a living week. Oh, that's sick. Yeah. So it's like, this person is here. It was Bob Odenkirk. So it's like, this person is here, but we get to eulogize them while they're still around.

Wow. Yeah. That's cool. So it already exists. Yeah. But that just means it was parallel thinking right so we didn't necessarily why was that that show which is annoying yeah you did co-produce for a few years before having a pretty bad falling out with the other executive producer that's right you said uh you think you fucking own this idea watch this this. Just because you came up with it. I helped with the production.

I did the hard part. Although I am looking at our email and they're still just, it's still riddled with spam. So it doesn't feel like there's such an outcrying of support that we need to keep this up. Are you happy to never, ever look at this email again? Yeah, I wonder if we will. It's like, it's been around for 10 years. There's 10 years worth of questions and history in this email box while I just close my computer, just never log out.

Yeah. Oh, right. Because it is a lot of spam at this point. Yeah. It's mostly, it's a graveyard. It's bad. It's like your old AOL email. If you ever like log in there, it's a ghost town. Yeah. Yeah. All right. A criminal shagged my girlfriend. Is that one of the questions? Yeah. Well, it's actually, I guess, one we've answered before.

A criminal shagged my girlfriend. Yeah. It looked like we answered it in 2019. Oh. All right. And he did a follow-up pop. Whoa. I don't remember what the question was.

Okay. I broke up with my ex two years ago. A few months ago after we broke up, I found out that she had cheated on me and one of my best friends. And a couple months after that, the person that she cheated on me with went to prison. I guess we answered this question four years ago.

It sounds vaguely familiar. Yeah, maybe we answered it during a live show. And then this guy emails in again, I don't think I've ever heard you do a follow-up pup on the show, but with the advent of the end of the podcast, I thought I'd follow up with my previous email. You read my email at a live show with Thomas and Ben in 2019. Oh, wow. That was the same show where we played 58. Yeah, maybe so. Let's see. The convict, I went to, oh, I guess go to a party to see them.

So I went to the party and guess what? The convict didn't even turn up. I guess he was afraid about going to a party and seeing the convict. I didn't have any awkward conversations about him fucking my ex. I didn't even have to beat the shit out of him. And oh yeah, I met the love of my freaking life at this party. We hit it off immediately and subsequently the next three years in a loving loving and committed relationship and then i broke up with her last november as it turns out i am an immature piece of shit who is scared of commitment there you have it okay well good good on you for

realizing that but you weren't that scared of commitment three years is a decent commitment yeah you can't be scared of commitment and be with someone for three years yeah maybe maybe you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Maybe it ended for other reasons. Anyway, this is If I Were You, again, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. For now, for one last episode. I didn't realize that was a joke from the first episode too. Oh yeah, hosted by us.

Yeah. I also didn't realize that it was like a dual joke. I thought you just always said that. Right, and then I said hosted by us and then you said, or no, I said first advice podcast. On the internet. And I said from us.

And then you said, yeah, the first advice podcast hosted by us. And then that's been your intro ever since. That could be a good conceit for the next podcast is just the second podcast hosted by us. Right, yeah. We should file that one away. We bring it back and it's just called

the Jake and Amir Advice Hour. It's the second advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. That's actually not bad. Have you been thinking about new ideas for our next podcast? Well, the idea of the live show is intriguing. It only existing at live shows like a musical or like a live advice hour and we did that at um our caveat live show last month we did the head gum happy hour yeah the head gum happy hour we we did um basically like a q a when we hosted it was like

we're giving out advice right so that's kind of interesting. Yeah. So not actually changing the podcast, just changing the medium in which we give advice. Yeah. That's kind of cool. So we can still do this show, but it's once every other month. Yeah. As a live. Would you fly to New York once every other month? For a lot of cash. Yeah. I wouldn't do it for free. Right. Yeah. Nobody wants to sort of do a bi-monthly cross country flight. Yeah. For no reason. For no Right. Yeah. Nobody wants to sort of do a bi-monthly cross-country flight. Yeah. For no reason. For no reason.

Yeah. But if we're selling out the Madison Square Garden every single time, then I feel like that's good. The garden or the theater next to the garden? I feel like either way. But I was thinking the theater. No, I was thinking the theater. Which is like 3,000 seats. The theater is 3,000.

What's MSG? Yeah, it's probably like 18505. What does Billy Joel do? Billy Joel sells out weeks and weeks and weeks at the arena. Yeah. Because I was thinking- Billy Joel is insanely famous, successful, and popular. Right.

I'm not saying he's not. Yeah. Why do you think- Do you think I'm saying he's not? I'm saying he is- Don't lump us into that train'm train of thought even excuse me yeah don't like use that as a benchmark trying to figure out how many tickets billy joel's a world-class talent do you disagree we sold 111 tickets at uh last caveat yes but we sold them out yes so there wasn't more tickets

available so we don't know how many more we could sell. Not 21,000. Yeah. But Billy Joel can, of course. He's in the arena. And I said, we'd start in the theater. No, we're not starting in the theater. The theater would be pipe dream fucking. MSG. Pie in the sky.

Couldn't believe we sold out. 3,000 seats. Yeah. There's no way. To see us. And I'm not saying that we open for Billy Joel. Because we can't. Because I'm not saying that we open for Billy Joel. Cause we can't, cause we're not musicians. But I'm saying if he is already selling out the arena,

then if we open for him, we don't even really have to worry about selling the tickets. Cause his name ID is helping us with the ticket sales, but we're helping him by entertaining his audience. So he'll cut us in. I'm not saying 50, 50, because I feel like he's done a lot

of the heavy lifting. He has an amazing catalog. He has Piano Man. Yes. He has River of Dreams. Uptown Girl. Uptown Girl. It's a never-ending stream

of hit after hit. Ah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, obviously, he gets more than... He's gonna be singing the song. There's no way

he's gonna invite us on stage to be, like, doing, like, an opening fucking karaoke version. Because I don't even know all of the words to Uptown Girl. Yeah, you know the fucking chorus. Uptown Girl. Yeah. But how does it start? I think it starts with Uptown Girl.

And when she loves... And you can't do that on stage. Actually, I think maybe I do know most of the words. But serve my eyes. Yeah, but you wouldn't do that live. Not that hard. To be fair. You would practice the song so you would be good at it on the day.

And I wonder if he even has a fucking teleprompter. I wonder if he even just does fucking lip syncing, because he's done this show so many times. They probably have a recording, and then I could do the lip syncing, and he wouldn't even have to be there. Yeah, I don't even know the difference between Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen at this point.

Like, to me, they're just sort of like the same. Lord Duran is either of those guys. Exactly. It's like one's Jersey, one's Long Island. Yeah. And it feels like the same thing and it occupies the same part of my brain space. But he's selling out MSG and I'm saying we in tandem with Joel. Joel, Billy, yeah.

Yeah, Mr. Billy Joel. We could do that. Not sell it out, but be a part of the act of the show. And then he'd have to cut us in to ticket sales, to merch, obviously. I would fly for that i think i would do a bike because then i would do i would time it so it's like the beginning of april the end of may because then even if yeah if he's like splitting that up with with merch and stuff you're probably clearing like you know do you think there's a chance we would

see yeah is there a chance they would fly me out first class and there would be was is there like this world is there a chance where we see someone like a Jen Aniston in the green room? Right. Yeah. Cause I feel like MSG, New York based celebrities, they're going to, they're going to want to go to a show. You know, Paul Rudd's going to take his aunt to. Right.

He wants to be there and he wants to be seen. Right. I wonder if there's a world where I even kiss Aniston, even on the cheeks or on the lips, I was like a hello or a goodbye. I think if you run in. Kind I even kiss Aniston, even on the cheeks or on the lips, as like a hello or a goodbye. Kind of like how celebrities do. Yeah, I feel like you fly from Los Angeles, first class. You have a town car picking you up at JFK.

Yeah, I actually really like that. Navigator is sort of like a low ride. No, it's a Lincoln town car. Low, because it's only you and you've got to weave in and out of traffic. And you arrive at the green. Tinted windows. Excuse me. You arrive at the green. Iinted windows. Excuse me. You arrive at the green. I'm wondering if I kiss Aniston.

I'm telling you, having not had. So I'm sort of hungry. You're a little hungry. You're peckish. You did have the meal on first class. It's a nice meal, but it's not like a super filling meal. It wasn't dinner. There's a roll.

At the end of the day, it's still mostly a roll in South. So you're feeling a little cranky. And then they say. I'm hangry and i'm and i'm eager to kiss an aniston type and i'm wondering if that should be on the lips you're having shrimp cocktail yeah in the green room yeah and i feel like kind of like whoa how long has that been out there yeah because springsteen or is it fucking joel at this point who are we even talking about he never touches yeah and aniston walks in and she says oh hi you're the

opening act i just wanted to say good luck. Yeah. It's weird for you to not be like, oh, my God. You know, Jen, you know, you have to like when you see that kind of celebrity and they're seeing you in your green room before your show, you kind of have to like I feel like you have to. I wonder like, oh, yeah, we I'm wondering if I would run in the same. Do you think I would kiss her? You say it's good to see you. You don't even say I'm a mirror. You don't even introduce yourself. No, because it says it on the sign.

She's a star and she's probably been at so many soirees. Am I still hungry? I wonder if I'm hungry because I'm at the shrimp. You have had had at this point. At this point I've had shrimp? You have had shrimp. Yeah. Because I'm wondering if I should kiss her at this point.

That's the issue. You do have some cocktail sauce on your chin and you're dabbing it with a napkin. But she caught you by surprise. There's no way Joel is using anything like that, less than a cloth napkin. But you have to say, Jen, it's good to see you. She doesn't know if you've met before. Maybe you have. Maybe you guys went to the Met together.

Or we could say, like, we have common friends. Like, oh, I know somebody who knows Justin Theroux. I go swimming with Schwimmer. And that's cool. I'll say, I go swimming with swimmer yeah and that's cool i'll say i go swimming with swimmer and then at that point double kiss that's what i'm saying double kiss double kiss good to see you and then you pull back and you realize there is there is cocktail sauce on her cheek because you had cocktail sauce on you then you dab with your napkin say sorry i sorry I stuck you with some cocktails.

That's cool. And then she laughs it off. This is the idea for this is an idea for our next show. Or do you think that that was just you walking me through what I think might happen if we end up opening for Joel or whoever? Like, well, no, I think that is that's our life. If this is our next show, if we decide to do the live show every month, every other month at caveat yeah on the lower east side yeah we eventually get to the point where where you're

you're necking with aniston i wouldn't even hate that even if it took years to get there i feel like that's ultimately fine for me because i'm having the shrimp i'm on the flights you're on the first class flight you are in the town car you are in the green room with aniston you are background singing on uptown girl you steal the show people say who's that background singer covered in shrimp cocktail and when she glows up she makes up her mind you You're pointing at Aniston. She's like. Like Courtney Cox and the Bruce Springsteen.

Music video. Music video, yeah. That's Springsteen though. Say adjacent. Yeah. Cox on Springsteen is the same shit as fucking Aniston. And Joel. And I just happen to be there.

Exactly. That's exciting. Okay. I mean, maybe it is good that we're ending the show then because I feel like as long as we keep this up, sky's the limit. Now our anchor, this program, is no longer attached to our person,

our talents. And our talent can now take off and fly in a different way. And it doesn't feel as sad because we're still noodling on what our next project will be. Yeah. So while this is ending, it doesn't mean, you know, our creative endeavors are coming to a halt either. Yeah. To me, it almost feels a little bit freeing. I think, you know, in one sense, it feels like not having this show allows

us more time and creative freedom to think about the next thing. Right. And another, we are still busy with other creative projects in addition to this show. So I, my hope is that losing the show doesn't make us just like have better relaxed time, you know? Right. Should we, are we actually going to, it's like the thing where it's like somebody pushes we are we actually gonna it's like the thing it's like somebody pushes a deadline a week it's like am i actually gonna spend a week working on this thing or should am i just gonna spend the last day regardless of if it's this week will we fill the couple hours we usually dedicated for this show with other creative work yeah or uh looking at our phones probably the phones thing yeah so does that mean we have to actually cut ourselves off

from any not only work but creative and um familial social friendship obligations like is there a world where we have to just completely rut like move into a house together yeah it would be really weird timing for me to do that after jill has our baby after she has had after she has our baby. After she has had. After she has had. Yeah. For me to be like, I think I need to go on a spirit quest with the mirror.

Yeah, this is all too much. And I love what it's had. I love the family thing. Yeah. But I'm gonna go live in a cabin with Blumenfeld and see if we can write a script.

Yeah. See if we can break this fucking musical once and for all. But I mean, I also would like doing something like that once. I think I've been thinking about like, you know, spending extended time in Los Angeles next year when the baby can travel and stuff.

With child. With child, with Jill, with the dog even. But just like spend a couple months in the winter out here. And that could be a nice way to live. And then we could also dedicate more time. Because yeah, it's tough. Like, you know, we're just going to hop on Zoom and like be creative for an afternoon.

That's not really that fun to do. That doesn't spark joy either. But me coming into this office and us sitting in a conference room and talking. A whiteboard with ideas. That's cool. And that's also the kind of thing you do. We can do when you come to New York every other month for our MSG theater show or caveat show, I guess I should say. Yeah. Caveat show for sure. For sure. Well, actually, it's going to be at the Bell House in in the summer. That's one step up. That's one step up. That's that's like four or

five hundred seats. You think we'll sell that out or sort of keep it at the 120 mark? I think we'll get – I think we can sell it out. Okay, cool. I'd like to not be embarrassed by saying that. So everybody hopefully will show up. Tickets at headcomb.com slash live. Not now, but in the not-so-distant future. Yeah, but they will be.

So bookmark that page. Have you been talking to new fathers to sort of get a sense of how much obligation is ahead of you in the next however long? Yeah, I have been talking to, I feel like I talk, one, I'm listening to a dad like podcast right now. A dad cast? Yeah, called Dadsplained. I don't know how, I think it started in like 2018. I have no idea if they're still making episodes, but I just like looked up best, best podcast for new dads.

Oh, that's cool. And there was a bunch that were like, Charlie and Billy tell the best dad jokes and like it's a comedy podcast about being a dad. I'm like, I definitely don't want that. I want to be like, it's two weeks in, here's what's going to happen. Yeah.

And these two, these like sweet little guys from Atlanta, I think are, they're just the ones i've listened to so far two episodes where they share their birth stories yeah because that's what i'm thinking about now one step at a time yeah i felt like the last few weeks was me prepping the nursery all the baby gear organizing all the closets yeah and i was really overwhelmed by that but now that's all done. And now I'm like, all right. Two weeks ago, I finally looked up how to get to the hospital that we're delivering at.

Yeah, you have to have the route. I have to have the route. And now I know, OK, if it's between 9 and 6, there's a valet. And otherwise, I'll have to park. So maybe we should take it. But I know all these things now. I was like, I have no fucking idea. That's very one step at a time.

That problem will exist once. and then like two weeks after the baby's still goes to labor it's it's 7 a.m i'm like great you're gonna labor for two hours at home then valet is open and we're good yeah um but yeah i've i've been talking to listening to those dads talk to some new new dads that we know yeah um i talked to like my older cousin i was like you know 12 and 13 year old kids and i remembers yeah i was like is any advice he's like everything's gonna be fine and i'm like that's my favorite he's like, everything's going to be fine. And I'm like, that's my favorite. He's like, you know, you're going to stress out about a lot of stuff, but really everything's fine. And I was like, I don't know if anyone else would consider that good advice, but that's exactly what I need to hear.

Yeah. It's like, just don't get worked up about these little things because it's all going to work out. Well, everybody's exactly where they are in the journey. So if he has a 12 and a 13 year old, he like i don't fucking care about an infant anymore yeah but i mean i also remember seeing other friends of mine like you know have a baby and just be so anxious about like holding the baby and they're like okay do you know how to change a diaper um i know that i have changed a diaper before right um i don't know how to do it. No. But they also, you spend two days in the hospital and the nurse like teaches you how to swaddle the baby, how to change the baby. I watched

a YouTube video. I watched my friend John change his kid. That's good. So like, I kind of, I think I get it. And it's the kind of thing that is like, at the end of the day, it's not that hard. You just need to do it repeatedly. And I think uh ends up happening yeah it seems like the first three months are just like a activity that's happening every three hours on a loop it's more of like a psychological difficulty yeah the kid's not like running around or yelling or being mean you have to figure out it's just like this i have to keep this little thing alive and it sounds to me i feel like that's going to be the most stressful part because like you're watching the kid breathing. It's like, oh, this is so sweet.

It's like, are these breaths too shallow? Is that normal? Everything that happens, I'll just be like, that's sweet. Is it normal? Is that good? Avital had a funny, or Avital's mom had a funny line. She's like, once you have a kid, you never sleep again. I was like, that sounds kind of stressful, actually.

You never sleep again. But I've also heard from people that have like their second kid and their third kid. They're like, your first kid is like you're anxious. You're learning everything. You're stressed. You want everything to be perfect. You buy all the right gear. And then they're like, second kid, third kid,

it just, it doesn't matter. They don't care anymore. And your parents had six. Yeah, my parents had six. And I actually, I talked to them about, just because we're buying, we have a bottle warmer and a bottle sterilizer, a special little cage for all the stuff to get put in the. So it doesn't mix with other stuff. All the stuff

we didn't have in the 80s. And I was like, there's no way that my mom had a bottle sterilizer. I can't remember any of this. And she was like, oh yeah, we, when they, when we had Hannah, we like rented a crib from the, from Stanford college for a dollar a day or a dollar a month or something like that. A lot of new products in the last 10 years. Self-moving this, smart cribs, like apps that you say, okay, when did she eat? When did she poop?

When did she do this? A camera that just goes above the, like it used to be the baby monitor. I remember when my brother was born, they had like the baby monitor. It was just like, you could hear if he's crying. But now there's like a bird's eye view above the baby there's a crib that rocks the baby right if they stir they rocks the baby yeah i mean right now we have three or no we have two strollers and three

different attachments and i'm like i know for a fact we bought one new thing when the triplets were born and my mom got like a three baby stroller. And we did all right. Yeah. We did fine. I mean, I'm fucked, but everyone else is good. Five out of six is a pretty high success rate when it comes to children. For sure.

That would have been a good new podcast too if we were both having children at the same time. Yeah. Well, you're getting married. That's kind of a big one. Yeah, but there's no podcast to be had about somebody who's just married and somebody who had a kid. Like, I feel like from living together to marriage is not that huge of a step from married to kid is a quantum leap. Both of us being dads, that would have been good. That would have been good. But you couldn't hack it. We could share the child. Share custody.

I wonder if there's a world where I raise, because then you guys have a week off and then I'm stressed out about the child. And then you have the child and I have the week off. That is interesting. That way you're not on high alert for like 18 years straight. And then we eventually interview my daughter for the show. And we're like, who turned out, which one was better? Which one was better?

Yeah. Settle this bet. Or were we both assholes for doing this we i just liked the moms actually interesting yeah i could see that because we did spend a good year year and a half i got you a free helix didn't i darling i don't know everything is free for me until I'm 29. Oh, I guess it was free for me. Which is more important if you think about it. All right.

I guess we should take a break. Why the fuck not? Thanks to sponsors. We still have some advertisers after all. That was our last first act of this show. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. It's crazy how fast that happened.

And then we'll come back and talk more, I guess, after these messages. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace.

Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes,

and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah,

you do. And we're back. We've already dispensed every unsolicited advice we have. That's true. From water pick all the way back to a new water pick. Yeah. We're empty. I've gotten three water picks since we recommended. I'm all out of wisdom. What water pick do you use now?

It's some sort of Sonicare portable, but I have to charge it. But once it's charged, you can pick it up and use it on the go. Interesting. I'll have to check that out. All right. So you had an email that you wanted to read. Yes. From your dad.

From my father, who started listening to the show, I guess, in the last few years. So he didn't listen back in the day when we were calling him a pumpkin a lot. I think he did. I think, I mean, he listened to that because my mom would listen and he would hear it. Yeah. And then he came to the live shows where he was called a gourd and stuff. He was a character in our universe. A caricature.

And then I think he started, oh, you know what? It was when my parents moved from New Haven back into Hamden. Okay. And his work commute got a little bit longer that he started listening. Wow. So anyway, he was, him and my sister Sarah, who have listened to every episode, or I guess, I don't know if he's listened to every episode, but anyway, him and my sister Sarah are the current listeners to the show.

Yeah. And both of them were kind of like surprised when they found out it was ending. And that was, those were the only two people that I felt that I was like, oh shit, should I not stop the show? I feel, I feel bad.

It's nice that I get to talk to my sister and my dad once a week. Yeah. You don't actually talk to them. You talk to me and they listen. Yeah. You're like, shit, now I have to fucking call my sister.

I hate to do that. Love you, Sarah. Okay. So my, exactly. You're like, shit, now I have to fucking call my sister. I'd hate to do that. Love you, Sarah. Okay. But my dad wrote in, and the subject is, what's next? Ooh. And he says, I think this is a suggestion. Ooh. A couple of years ago, as I suggested, a Jake and Amir variety type show.

Sorry. Can you do an impression of him just so I can read it in his voice? Okay. A couple of years ago, I can read it in his voice? Okay. A couple of years ago, I suggested a Jake and Amir variety type show, not unlike the Smothers Brothers, which had a nice mix of comedy, music, and topical humor. It was the topical humor that got them canceled. I still think a good variety show is a good idea.

A good variety show is a good idea. It has to be a good variety show. That gives them an out because if it fails, it'd be like, see, it was a bad variety show. I good idea. A good variety show is a good idea. It has to be a good variety show. That gives them an out because if it fails, it'd be like, see, it was a bad variety show. I told you it needed to be good. Yeah. Part of the show could be you guys chatting, maybe more scripted.

Maybe you could even answer a question or two, a la Carol Burnett, who I don't know. He's so old. Like we don't get these references. Length could be as short as half an hour in order to prevent quantity from overtaking quality. So I feel like he's almost suggesting this show, except with music. Yeah.

And a half an hour long. Well, he's the live show aspect of it is kind of what you were eager to do as well. Yeah. So it's like a variety show that only exists as a stage show. Right. So it's like it opens with a Jake and Amir live sketch. Oh. Then it's like, you know, applause and the intro. And then we come out and we answer some questions.

Then we sit down with an interview, like a guest interview. So it's sort of a variety show. It only exists as like a live show. That's really interesting. This is a great idea from my dad. I think, yeah, it feels like we're, it's kind of what we're planning on doing for the live show. We just need to add in the, maybe the topical thing.

Yeah. Like a monologue, right? Yeah, a monologue where it's like, you guys see this? This is me. She's like, no, no, no, no, no. Because the variety show, every variety show, while it has like interchangeable parts, it has the consistent thing. It's got them. It's got a monologue.

Yeah. Well, that's a talk show, not a variety show. Oh, okay. A variety show is kind of like he mentioned like in the 70s and stuff. It's got a monologue. Well, that's a talk show, not a variety show. A variety show is kind of like he mentioned in the 70s. It's literally anything anytime? It's like more sketches and songs. Is SNL a variety show? SNL, I'd call it a sketch show.

But yeah, I bet it's modeled after because it's got some music guests and some sketches. Okay, so we have opening sketch. Yeah. Does it need to have a format then okay great needs to have a format for sure for sure for sure otherwise you're just on stage to be like now what well yeah then you could just do you know different five to ten minute things segments that's a variety show but it doesn't have to be like always a monologue always

a music always a sketch yeah it's like a little it's it is exactly that it's a variety it's like all right now let's throw to a pre-taped video that we shot now this is like a man on the street thing now it's like all right now i'm talking to the audience now i'm dancing now i'm kissing somebody like if it's jen aniston things like right yeah kissing jen aniston on stage or whatever you're obsessed with that but yeah yeah, I like. So, all right, sweet. So we just need to do a live monthly, bi-monthly variety show. Yes, exactly. Then that becomes a TV show as it gets really popular, as it sells at MSG Theater, not the arena. Exactly.

It's like the Jake and Amir family fuck fest or something like that. Yeah. I think the Brady Bunch used to do that shit. I feel like my dad actually, yeah, the subject was, I said said what's next but it was because I censored it. It was the Jake and Amir family fuck fest. That's what he had said. I can't believe it. Parallel thinking again. Yeah. And then we can also do it

occasionally on a yacht. I wish we had because I watched I remember my dad telling me about the Smothers Brothers a while ago and I like I think I've sent you a video too but like they were musically talented in a way that I wish we were. If we had that in our arsenal,

I think we'd be a lot stronger. Yeah, if we were like the Bo Burnham type where it's like, oh, I'm funny, but then also I can write a really catchy song. So that when I can. And I feel like only one of us knows how to sing and you don't have any musical talent, but i do

it's hard to be um off tune and like such a short because it's not even it's completely in a vacuum and yet it still doesn't feel i didn't get like counted in and i don't have my ukulele right now yeah so i feel like you're uke i i yeah i feel like if i had my ukulele ukulele and or if i had my maracas then i could have um i have a flute and i have i think i could have i have a recorder i meant to say not a flute but yeah that was awkward because yeah because i just went in so cold and i didn't you know there's like that little like whistle no it's like the little whistle that's like this is the note yeah i didn't hear that it's hard to go in acapella and you drain all of the fucking like energy from

a room so i feel like i mean you didn't even count me in you you launched into it out of nothing out of thin air so it wouldn't have it would have been more than just the single note that you needed to hear you need voice lessons I don't need voice I know how to sing I'm pretty musically talented it's all it's weird to do it in this room when you're so you're like fucking a stiff as a board right now light as a feather it's like I don't it's hard to like you know have a duet with somebody if i had like 10 years of uh chemistry on the show so like if it's not happening you have the app you have like such an like an absence of musical talent that actually drains me of mine like a black hole yeah like i'm like for some reason sharing half of my music ability with you

while we're sitting here yeah so it's like i bet we probably both have a bad voice but when i leave i bet we probably both have a bad when i leave the room when i'm singing alone in my car when i'm singing in my shower i'm actually pretty good i doubt it i just think it sounds better for you because nobody's there listening to you yeah um actually speaking of songs why don't we play another theme song somebody submitted? Oh, all right. This is also from a Matthew. Okay. Let's hear it. Because if I were you, the show is starting.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing. And we are Amir and Jake. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing. And we are Amir and Jay. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. And our names go in no other order.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing. We read the emails and try to answer the funniest questions. Yeah, that sounds about right. I'm excited to share what I know. Check that out to other people's situations that I probably know nothing about. So why don't we get started? TeaseTheCheese.com is available. Holy shit.

Pitch to the pitch. Pitch money, money. It would be an honor to find a genie so that I may grant you the other two wishes for I have but one. It is to die and raven nest. I am the game boy and I have a game for you today. Sir, dude, maybe

like a PB&J and cut the cross. Seriously. That's good. It's really good actually. That got you the golden mic. I woke up in the new Bugatti, mama. Gaitan Ice. And Liquid Nice.

ABD. Always be David. The prank war videos were all fake. They were not real. Now that's a bit of a bombshell. A sample of Ample X. Is that a sample? May of 2013

to the end of April of 2023. If I were you, so are you. Sometimes I wonder what it's you like that. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm here. I'm changed.

I'm changed. I'm changed. I'm changed. It's my way. It's my way. It's my way. It's my way. It's my way. It's my way. It's my way. It's my way. some great clips in there too that was a fucking at the end of terminator 2 when he's like turning into every old bit as he's dying it was a a medley. Yeah. There was some stuff that I had forgotten about.

Raven Nest. Raven Nest. To Raven Nest. Yes, exactly. A house that was so beautiful that we were willing to kill ourselves to just die there. Yes, it was Valhalla. Yeah. Raven's Nest.

Wow. Which was a house on Einvernest. Yes, but we were afraid to shout it out because we thought there was a chance we could end up living there. We didn't want to risk it. You know what's funny? We ended up living in a place that was not... Oh, wait. No. It was almost half as expensive as Raven Nest. Yeah.

I mean, Raven Nest was like $10,000 a month. It was $12,000. Yeah. Yeah. Should we just pump everything into this rental? It's good that we didn't because... It's a dope house with a pool. It was such a sick house. But yeah, we probably would have gone out of business, huh? Yeah, we wouldn't have been able to't because house with a pool it was it was such a sick house um but yeah we probably would have gone out of business huh yeah we wouldn't have been able to afford that house and a lifestyle plus a head gum company yeah yeah um and we ended up with a really nice

house but there was no pool no pool but it was a it was a mansion that we couldn't afford we had to spend some head gum money to like say like okay it's also our business plus we live here which is what we were planning on doing at inverness too except it would have then still been destitute even after yeah uh we helped pay the rent i mean for the first the year of head gum it was just uh our show and nine others trying to make enough money to justify did we even have a salary then did we have like a low salary we didn't have we didn't have a salary then? Did we have like a low salary? We didn't have a salary, no. I think because we were still working at College Humor. We didn't take a salary, but maybe we like,

when payments for our show came in, we paid ourselves out a little bit, but we kept. Yeah, I don't remember when we set up payroll. It wasn't for a while. Because we didn't have any employees. And I don't think don't remember when we like set up payroll it wasn't for a while yeah because we didn't have any employees it was no and i don't think we got a salary i think we just always did like random payouts whenever we needed money yeah we had like most of it and we're a google sheet of income and outcome yeah i was almost thinking of because when we were talking about how to end the show i was like oh we oh, we could go year by year or something.

But I almost feel like it's better to just go where we were living by where we were living. Yeah, that's the best way to try to figure out where you were in the world. How it felt when we were in Williamsburg still recording the show. I feel like a young 19-year-old, even though I was almost 30. Yeah. And I remember we would record, we didn't really have a dedicated space because I had, I was living in the loft on Wythe.

You were living on Barry Street around the corner. Right. We would set up the towel fort in your house. And we had this like, instead of a little Zoom recorder, we had this like big, I asked Jeff Rubin, like how to plug, because the mics I thought would plug into the computer, but they don't, they plug into this giant thing that then plugs into my computer right we have the

like a big big ass mixer yeah and like the mics were so like they looked cool but they were like golden green like you still needed a pop guard and a stand for them yeah they're really cumbersome they looked really cool I think we got them because they looked cool yeah and and then i moved down down into that like weird house covered in ivy yeah and i remember like i was still partying and being so insane then like they were in new york yeah this is in new york there were times when we would like you'd come over to record and i was like barely i was like all right but we have to do it right here i can't get up yeah you were hung over so hung over we also didn't have ads for like the first six or 12 months. So like, I don't know what was keeping us regular.

I thought we got ads like kind of quickly. Yeah. Maybe not 12 months. Maybe it was six months in. But there were like times where we were like, we got to get this done every Monday, but we didn't really have any reason. We owed any money or we had a company to keep it up.

Yeah, I think it was good that we had Jake and Amir that came out every Tuesday because we were just used to delivering had a company to keep it. Yeah, I think it was good that we had Jake and Amir that came out every Tuesday because we were just used to delivering something on a deadline. Yeah. And we've basically had that deadline since 2006 or 2007. Yeah. There were some times that we recorded a lightning round Q&A on a Monday. Right, just to keep the streak alive.

Yeah. Does the Patreon count? Because that'll be the only weekly thing we have going now. I feel like we release a weekly something. Yeah. And we've done something weekly since 2008. I think the Patreon has to count. It has to count.

I think it counts. It definitely counts. I mean, that's a video. It's more ambitious than a podcast, though this podcast is also a video. If you guys are listening right now, just know you can be watching. And that kind of goes for the last hundred episodes you can be watching. Regrets? Have you had a few?

Regrets. Do you wish you could do anything differently? I don't think so. I mean, it's hard to say i'm sure there were definitely times that i was like stressed i know there was a time i think right right before my wedding head gum was struggling oh yeah i was not regretting the wedding but head gum was struggling and we were like we were cutting personal checks to the company to keep it afloat yeah and and i was like i we should have just kept our podcast separate because then we wouldn't have had to like um sacrifice yeah we wouldn't have had to like have our ad income pay for the whole

company we would have just been like just me ad income pay for the whole company we would have just been like just me and amir off on our own um but like weathering that storm and now having the bi-coastal offices and all the employees i'm happy that i didn't listen to my regret i guess i had doubts throughout but looking back now i don't know if i have specific regrets what about you yeah same we, in the beginning, like buying the equipment and being so uncertain about like how to edit and how to do that. Like it probably would have helped us to have a producer at one point because we were literally doing it all ourselves. Yeah. Not really a regret, but usually shows of our like size or scope,

like would have somebody on the email box, box making sure that we're reading all the good emails or scheduling guests or scheduling ads or something like that. And it took all the way to two or maybe three years ago that we had Grimm editing the show for us. I was editing everything up until 2021. Yeah, it's crazy. And now HeadGum is big enough to have producers the show for us. Like I was editing everything up until 2021. Yeah. It's crazy.

And now that HeadGum is big enough to have like producers and engineers, we're stopping the show. Yeah. Now that we finally have help, we're good. Yeah. But yeah, maybe doing more video stuff earlier on, but then that would have been more work. Yeah. Our microphones were pretty broken back in the day. That was not ideal.

We should have just splurged on these microphones from the get-go. Yeah. Yeah, I guess doing video podcasts earlier would have been good. Yeah. At the very least, an intern on the email box. We were just like opening up the email box.

Yeah. We had your niece do an internship for like three or four weeks one summer. She cleaned it out immediately yeah we should have hired her on the spot yeah 12 year old helper slash engineer slash producer yeah um yeah i don't know everything was everything you know led to us getting here but i'm sure there's a lot of things that we could have slash should have done differently back in the day. Yeah. But, I mean, all of the stuff we got to do, like going to Australia, going to London, going to Amsterdam.

Yeah. Having a weird show in Amsterdam. Yeah. That was awesome. Yeah. Great times. That was almost the impetus for the show is be able to tour without paying college humor. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is so funny. This the idea just came from Andrew Russell. Our touring agents like you know if as long as you're at College Humor

every live show is just going to be them getting paid and you getting a small chunk of that money. Right. So if you guys

had your own thing they could we could just tour with that. Yeah. And now we're selling out fucking Madison Square Garden theater.

We're still not doing that. But like still we're still not doing that. Billy with that. Yeah. And now we're selling out fucking Madison Square Garden theater. We're still not doing that. But like still, we're still not doing that. Billy Joel is. Yeah. Billy Joel definitely is. Yeah. It's amazing.

Okay. What about the opposite of regrets? Things that you're proud slash impressed of us to do? Hmm. I mean, I think the, like going on the HeadGum Company retreat with all of our employees,

when I see our employees hanging out with each other and I'm not around and I see them like making friendships and enjoying and being fulfilled by their lives and jobs, I'm really happy. I feel like that's, that was something that was so meaningful and exciting to me when I was at College Humor. That was where, when I was in my 20s, met all of my best friends who are lifelong friends of mine. So thinking that we might be able to provide that for younger people, that's awesome to me. Yeah. I guess just the idea of taking our one podcast and turning it into HeadGum at the beginning was a bright idea and keeping the podcast consistent enough that we can grow HeadGum from that. And now it's cool because HeadGum is so big and so much bigger than us that we can literally stop our show. Yeah. It's like we're the dad.

This was the end goal. It's kind of like having a child where it's like when it's an infant and it's a toddler, it's like, it's relying on you so much. And now it's like, our network is going to camp. Yeah. And now it's like,

or we're stopping the show and everyone's like, what's that? Oh yeah. Sorry to hear that. Anyway, we got more important things to deal with. Oh, that small show isn't recording anymore.

That's fine. Really? Cause we thought you guys would be devastated. No one wants to beg us to stay. How will you guys stay afloat is all who are you again i used to work here i really used to work here yeah i mean i guess that's that's something to be proud of um trying to think what else i Traveling and touring is also always something that I... That's like a fun meeting people that listen to the show and like going to a cool new city

and getting to perform in front of people. Those are the highlights. Highlights for sure. Yeah. And then I also was listening to old episodes. Aside from the fact that we sound like we're 12-year-olds on helium, we're like recording on the road.

So much of our early recordings, it's like, hey, we're in Australia and we packed our bags and we packed our mics and we packed our Zoom and now I'm like recording in a hotel with Streeter. Yeah. Batch recording. We basically never batch recorded until I moved to New York. And even still then, we didn't always. Batch recording has actually probably been more of something we've done since we started doing video.

Yeah. Or maybe since Grimm started editing the show. The producers and the engineers. Right. Because it's helpful for them to have the footage and the audio more than a day in advance. I think it was hard to show how stressed we kind of were like at the beginning where I'm like, I'm plugged in. Can you hear me? I hope this at the beginning where I'm like, I'm plugged in. Can you hear me? I hope this is working. So I'm like trying to be funny and host the show, but also kind of scared that it's not recording or doing well.

Especially like I remember when we were recording with Allison in the hotel. We were like having to get up. I'm like, I don't think this is recording. Like, I'm sorry, but. Did it not record? Like her microphone wasn't working. It was like cutting in and out. I didn't know if it was the cable.

But it was like, we have no like, I like to ask smart people why something is broken. Right, we had no recourse. That's why it was so nice when we recorded at rec room for you. Right, I was like, oh, this is great. Somebody else is in charge of making it sound nice. Yeah.

And now we have our own rec room. Isn't that crazy? We made it this far. Yeah. All now we have our own rec room. Isn't that crazy? We made it this far. Yeah. All right. Future. I guess the idea was to sort of talk about the past, act one. Present, act two.

Future, act three. Future, act three. Well, we have our variety show premiering at Bell House, I believe in August. The Jake and Mear Family Fuckfest. Yeah. Well, I think that just might be a HeadGum Happy Hour. Right. But still, it'll be us testing out a format.

You know, we could also go full Brady family mode where it's like most of it is just us and our friends singing and dancing. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. So we're just like disco style standing on a stage doing dances for everybody. That sounds great. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. So we're just like disco style standing on a stage doing dances for everybody. That sounds great.

Yeah. I mean, you can do that at the bell house and just not even have seats. So everyone in the crowd is also dancing. Yeah. I wonder if that would be fun. Remember pre, if I were you, the live shows we did was, were sketches. Yeah. Yeah.

We had to like write and rehearse and we had to like get lines we used to do so that was the college humor live at ucb there'd be like a host there'd be three comedians and then we would close with like a jake and amir sketch right and then we also went on tour with streeter where you and i started the show we did like a 10 minute j and Amir, Streeter did an act. And then at the end we hosted shameful trivia. Right. Which was kind of a podcast. Which was kind of a podcast. But yeah,

that we used to have to write. And that we, most of the time we would write something that was like, Oh, text chicken. We're like reading texts off of our phone. Yeah. Cause then that way we didn't have to remember lines. Right. Or, and then it would always end with some sort of a r phone. Yeah. Because then that way we didn't have to remember lines.

Right. And then it would always end with some sort of rattle. It was a rattle. Yeah. The rap that you sang at the end of those shows is in my head forever.

How did it start? Yo-ho, yo-ho-ho, yo-ho-ho and a bottle of cum. I couldn't keep on going. That's probably right. It was a play on the the yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum but it was yo-ho-ho and a bottle of yo-ho-ho and a bottle of cum so it's like basically i lose myself in the music you lose yourself you're like holy shit you're we were having like a playful rap battle you started talking about bottles of semen yeah i think i say i think i'm like the the idea is like we're gonna have a rap battle right now um you start rapping at me but it's like you're you're complimenting me or something and i say no you

have to like insult me or you're saying oh and then you say like go go in on me you know right and i think i like call you dumb or something or say you look like harry potter and then you get really upset nothing personal nothing personal nothing that i can't oh yeah and i say something about your glasses and like you said nothing that you couldn't change you can't change your glasses and you say why would i yeah this is perfect for the variety show it is the variety show and then you and then you say yo-ho-ho and a bottle of cum. You go off. It always got a huge applause.

Because it's like it comes out of nowhere. Yeah, it comes out of nowhere. It's a full ass rap. It's very blue. I believe it ends with me standing ankle deep in semen. It just turns into a, not unlike the title I had for the show. Yeah. Yeah.

It turns in, it literally turns into a Blumenfeld family fuck fest. Yeah. Um, and then, and then it's like you lost yourself in the moment. Yeah. And then you say it's time to let it go.

It's time to start the show. Thank you. Madison Square Garden Theater. But you're actually, let's really put our hands together for one William Joe. Bruce Springsteen walks out shaking his head. I really can't fucking wrap my brain around which one of you is which. God damn it. Which one is this Thunder Road?

What are you hopeful for for the future? An idea that's completely unrelated. It's like thinking of a decade of Jake and Amir, a decade of a podcast. What's our next decade? Yeah. What's our third thing? Our third act. Yeah.

There's got to be something. What is your 40 to 50? Yeah, exactly. And then at that point, we can't be doing comedy anymore. Right. Look at 50-year-olds now. Yeah. It's disgusting.

It's all been kind of clean for you. 20 to 30, 30 to 40. Yeah, ish. Yeah, ish. Hasn't it been like that for you? Yeah, ish. Every decade brings a different thing. Yeah.

I just, my fear is that- I guess we were 20 when I started. I was 20 when we started Jake and Mira, I think. Yeah. At a certain point, we just have like transition to being like Lorne Michaels is where it's like I'm not making comedy anymore but I'm just overviewing and I have a sense of humor that's like this is good this is not right we're we should have more of an opinion like right now when people walk in they pitch us a podcast like that sounds awesome yeah Yeah. Podcasts are so personal. Whatever you want to do. That's the problem is that we don't watch comedy.

Yeah. No, we love succession. Yeah. Which I guess is funny. Which is a comedy. Yeah. But we're not watching sitcoms anymore. No.

No, we're not. And we're also not really listening to comedy podcasts. And also, podcasts really are so personal that if somebody came in and were like, this is our idea for a show,

I wouldn't be like, that's not funny. Yeah, it really depends on the human doing the show. It depends on the guy. Any show idea could be funny or could not be funny. Right, and it all could find an audience or not. Right. Yeah, yeah.

Everything's kind of a coin toss in the universe. That's why we're not very good at being executives either. So we really have to maximize this 40 to 50. We have an amazing executive team here though. Yeah, we rely on them heavily. But that could be our, the live show version is like the South Park guys who did South Park when they were young

and then transitioned to Book of Mormon. I do think, I guess that's like the next thing for us is live stuff because it's like video, audio. What is what's there after that? Yeah, it's it's IRL. But what's more exciting? Is it writing something and seeing it on stage whenever you want to? Or is it writing something and being in the thing on stage?

Yeah. I mean, they're both pretty exciting, I guess. I get I get a good kick out of, uh, doing our live shows. Yeah. So, but then,

maybe not every time, every time. Yeah, yeah. It'd be nice to have understudies that did it 95% of the time. I would fucking love, I mean,

really what we, what we're, what we need to do is write our play. That's, that's it. Yeah. Where we're not in it, but we're like almost the narrators of it.

Yeah, exactly. And then you can, if we're the narr not in it, but we're like almost the narrators of it. Yeah, exactly. And then you can, if we're the narrators of it, you could just hit a soundboard at our voice. We're barely, we're voice of God. Yeah, exactly. That's really good.

And then, but we'll go to every show for the curtain so we can come out. Yeah, we want to just sort of quality control the show, make sure that everything's running on time. But at a certain point, if we're not feeling up for it, it's hard to like get yourself going on a Tuesday tuesday in february to do the show let the understudies do the show and i actually don't even want to write the show i want the understudy to

write the show too yes exactly i want to just oversee slash not even fun i just want a piece of ticket sales right concessions i want to create an app that sells tickets. So it's not even like a creative thing. I want to work for Ticketmaster. And we did almost used to work at Ticketmaster. Because IAC owned Ticketmaster and CollegeHumor. So yeah, we went to the same building. Yes, and maybe that's why it's fucking inceptioned us to think this way.

Yeah. All right, let's take another break. Thanks to my sponsors. Come back and talk a little bit more okay thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow.

So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have...

You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely, because I do know a lot. Do you know what a nickelback does in a cover two defense? Or like, do you know what a play action pass is?

Like, these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run. And then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings pick six app. Running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app.

Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits. Whoa-za. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code SEGMENTS.

That's code SEGMENTS for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling.

Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick 6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer.

Non-withdrawable Pick 6 credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. With Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen.

Whether you listen to stories, motivation, expert advice, any genre you love, you can be inspired to imagine new worlds, new possibilities, new ways of thinking. And Audible makes it easy to be inspired and entertained as a part of your everyday routine without needing to set aside extra time. As an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their ever-growing catalog. Explore themes of friendship, loss, and hope with remarkably bright creatures by Shelby Van Pelt. Find what piques your imagination. Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial, and your first audiobook is free. Visit audible.ca to sign up.

And we're back. We asked the people what they wanted. The long and winding road..." Yeah, I was just gonna introduce you for a second. "-It's so far from my two boys..." Let me just... Yeah. So anyway, I was gonna say, we asked... Can you not interrupt him? "-My two boys, fully grown up..." Yes! And a lot of people said they wanted to see yeah try not to interrupt Ben he's singing my two friends yeah no more love then a lot of people wanted

don't talk over him it got bad it got bad respect that so we were a little conflicted as to whether or not to have Ben on here just because he's such a part of the fabric of the show but like he's a little interrupting yes Ben Schwartz in the house let's go buddy boy the last if I were you it feels just like the first one almost the same amount of people listening almost the same amount of people caring we plateaued wonder was my thighs open no i said we plateaued we plateaued but can i tell you this yeah how exciting what number is this what number uh 590 590 590 oh you should have done 600 why i was thinking the same thing you think so should we fart out another 10 spot while we're here i think you gotta hit 600 if we're not hitting 600, what are we even doing? Do you know what I mean?

My man, Jakey Bakey, my name, Amir Babir. What do you guys think you're going to do after this? You've hit the pinnacle. You've hit 590, the number everybody's trying to hope to hit.

Now what do you do? Well, 590 was the goal going into it. We said 10 years ago when you were first on the show, we want to get to 590. 590. We did that. Yeah.

And what do you do after you achieve your goals? Do we set new ones or do we rest? Do we reset? We've been talking about a live show, a variety show. What do you do after you achieve your goals? Do we set new ones or do we rest? Do we reset? We've been talking about a live show, a variety show. What do you think about that? Oh, I love that idea.

But you've done versions of that in the past. Versions of it. Versions of it. Versions. But we haven't done a full- Oh, you would do a live stream? You would live stream your live show? No, you have to, if you want to see us now,

you have to see us live. You have to see us at a theater. That's right. We're offline. We're going vaudeville, 1917 style. How small of a theater? Like 30, 40 people? No, Jake was actually discussing and he made a good case that we would be able to kiss Jennifer Aniston at the MSG theater if we opened for a Billy Joel style. By the way, excuse me, I didn't lead with the Jennifer Aniston kiss. I said MSG Theater, not the arena, obviously.

Yeah. You brought up kissing Aniston in the green room. I thought that came up organically between us in the conversation. It was not organic. You really... How would you kiss Aniston? Is it a quick peck because you guys are friends? Is it something on the cheek?

She's visiting a Bruce or a Billy in the green room, and I'm there having had shrimp, and then she says hello to me and I say hello. Right. And it's weird if he doesn't... You run into Jen Aniston, you want to pretend like you guys run in the same circles. You can't be like, oh my god, Ms. Aniston. I'm such a big fan. You have to say, Jen, it's so good to see you.

Kiss on the cheek. Kiss on the other cheek. Kind of European style. And this is, Amir, this is tails no meat when you're talking shrimp, right? Just shrimp tails no meat. Yes, exactly. Just the little tip, the crispy tips. Right. So you're eating the exoskeleton of the shrimp.

Yeah, or a krill. Any basically mollusk. Dipping your fingers, two fingers at a time, into the cocktail sauce. Putting it on your teeth. Yeah, like cocaine. And that's when you see Janice. Yeah, that's when I see Jen. Janice comes up to you.

Oh, Jen. You're all crispy tips. Oops, all tips. Crispy tips. We could. You're all crispy tips. Oops, all tips. Krispy tips. We could do a double smooch. Oops, all tips. Krispy tips. Yeah, we'll do a double smooch.

But yeah, to answer your question, a live show plus a potential at a theater run if Billy Joel will have us. Otherwise, probably a 200 to 500 seater once every month or two depending on how much we can get out there on the road. We're thinking Bell House. Why don't you do a monthly Largo show? Largo, we can make that happen.

Yeah, you do that. How big is Largo? 270. Great. Yeah. I love that. Take care, guys. So you do the improv stuff. We don't really have the ability. We don't have the talent. We don't, guys. We don't have... All right, bye. So you do the improv stuff. We don't really have the ability. We don't have the talent. We don't have like the...

We don't have anything to say on stage. You said it, talent. You said it, talent. Yeah. You said it, talent. But so this is what I think. If I could make... Oh, God.

And I'm going to pitch some ideas for you guys. Like what do two people who have been working together since they've been... I mean, graduated college, all they know is each other. Yeah. So how could they possibly grow up and be anything but a team? What could they do together? I'll give you some ideas and you give me one through ten and tell me what you would do with that business idea.

And one through ten is us grading your idea? Like ten out of ten? Us grading it? You gotta do it. Okay. Hot dog salesman. Two. Obviously little. I'm interested because I like hot dogs. I did have an idea for a

corn dog truck where you can sort of mix and match the sausages with the batter but i don't think that should be our next career move let's give that a six then because i like hot dogs and you had the idea already so let's say six six what about what about a what about a podcast called if you were i okay what's that show about it's basically you send in questions to your fans and your fans answer them on the podcast yeah i'm not i'm not eager to do another podcast but i do like the hot dog thing i'm gonna say the hot dog thing is going up to a hot dog thing we're already it's gone from a five to a six to a seven in my mind i feel like the hot dog thing was fine we discussed it but let's move on and discuss

what could be the second. Well, what are we moving on? You've given it the same number as a hit podcast. So you're giving it the same two as the other one. Just because your Lakers barely eked out a W the other day doesn't mean you can cry every minute you talk. I don't hate hot dogs. I know you like hot dogs,

but we've already discussed the hot dog thing. We'll take it under our belt. What about this? What if Jake cooked the hot dogs and you ate the hot dogs, but you weren't allowed to use your hands? It doesn't matter if it's a hot dog or a hot dog thing. We'll take it under... What about this? What if Jake cooked the hot dogs and you ate the hot dogs but you weren't allowed to use your hands? It doesn't matter

if it's a hot dog or a hot dog eating contest or a hot dog salesman. I didn't realize the truck could have a hot dog eating contest element which is kind of interesting. See?

I'm going to say that's gone to an eight in my head. It does... What if there was a show where Amir had to wear the tightest pants and the loosest shirts

and we call it Here here he goes again. And what he does is he put him on and he walks down the street and Jake has to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, who's this guy? And try to draw attention to him to see if he can sell new styles. What do we think about that?

That's fun. What would people be eating at the craft service table as we're shooting that? This is a blind pitch but maybe i don't hate that you guys love fucking hot dogs the those show idea was that even a show or you just want me to walk down the street who's this guy is that what it was who's this guy is that a podcast you're wearing you're wearing jeggings in a nightgown is this video is this for video or you're just saying i walk down the street wearing a certain style it's whatever you want it to be

honestly i just need you to walk down that street with tight pants and a loose shirt. What's on the feet? Is that like a jelly sandal type thing? It's a pair of shorts. He's wearing a pair of shorts on his feet. It's interesting to me if there's a hot dog element. Why? It doesn't matter.

What do you guys, let's be real. Can we be real for a second? What will you miss about this? Will you guys not be able to see each other as much now that you're not doing no i think you won't be able to talk i'll miss the feedback i think i think we'll talk to each other just as much i feel like i'll just miss the feedback from the fans because like they're the ones that are going to be missing out they're the ones who're not going to be able to see so give me your email give me your email give me your email now and they'll be able to tell you whatever you want they can give you feedback for the rest of your

life should we say your email i know it it. Your personal email? I know it too. I emailed you just like two minutes ago. It didn't matter. Why don't we shout out his email? Okay. BigTopSmallBot at gmail.com. HotDogBoy at AOL.net. Yum, yum, yum. Eat up those doggies at Yahoo.com.

Honestly, what we're most excited about is being offline, it seems like, is the idea of a live show where we don't have to deal with the production elements of recording and distribution. It's like if you want to see us, you have to see us IRL. I'm off Twitter.

I'm off Instagram. You guys know you own a podcast network. I'm just in a fucking theater. You own a podcast network. You said the thing I'm trying not to deal with is the thing that you're jobbing. Yeah, that's true. And it's sort of we contain multitudes that way.

What about Jake and Amir colon IRL? IRL. It's TRL, but it's IRL. It would be J-N-A-I-R-L. J-R-L. J-R-L. Yes. J-R-L.

Yes, exactly. And to see us, you have to see it to believe it. What's the funniest thing? What's the funniest thing that's happened on this show? Today's episode? Can you remember both of you guys, without looking at the other thing, what's the, where you're like,

oh my God, this made me laugh harder than any, we've done 590 episodes. This is the moment that made me laugh harder than any, we've done 590 episodes. This is the moment that made me laugh harder than anything else. Or do all the moments mesh into each other so much that you don't care about anything anymore? Laughing so hard that we cried. We've definitely done that. But I don't remember what it was. Yeah.

I haven't laughed genuinely on this show since 2014. I'm trying to remember when the last time that we also laughed so hard. You just left two seconds when I said you were a little boy that wants to eat dogs. I thought it was performative. Maybe like in the old, old, old episodes, like one of the bits or characters. I guess when you did your freestyle rap from when you were like 12.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad's a gyno, your dad's a rhino. I know, I was laughing really hard. But that was recent, and I don't know if that's like the hardest I ever laughed during the show. I'd like thrown up from laughing during the show. Yeah. There was a point where like you were drinking something you thought you were going to puke. Yeah.

Like I couldn't breathe. I haven't smiled genuinely on this program since probably the first 10 episodes. Yeah. Right. But you're going through your own shit. Yes. You're going through a really dark time. Yeah.

Since 2013. Since late 2013. Late 2023. Yeah. Yeah. going through your own shit yes you're going through is a really dark time yeah since 2013 since late 2013 until 2023 yeah yeah it's been a hard decade it's been a crazy decade my 30s my entire 30s was was was was was was it was and it was on the show and now it's over now i'm 40 and the show's your entire 20s we're with jake also you guys have spent 20 years since i've known both of you you spend every minute of your life with each other so it's got to be a little bit heartbreaking for this aspect to end well yeah i mean i didn't really think of it that way um jake is there anything you want to say to amir um i uh i've i've regretted i've regretted meeting you man i regretted meeting you man yeah what i've i've regretted meeting you, dude. Your life would be completely better.

Amir, don't interrupt him. Don't interrupt him. Keep going, Jake. This isn't helpful. You're not a fucking therapist. I'm just saying if I had hitched myself to any other wagon, with all the people at College Humor, Dan Gurwitch, multiple Emmy winner,

Streeter, Seidel, Sennar, Sarah Schneider, sold her own show. We've done so much together. I'm just saying it feels like if I had chosen another writing partner, I would have had a little more success. It has been fun. It has been really fun. Has it?

Not the entire time because every time when I look in the rearview mirror, I'm full of regret. But at the same time, at the same time, I do want to say that you've weighed me down professionally and comedically. But all that being said- Bombshell, by the way, to hear this. And I want to say all that being said-

At the end of 20 years to hear that is really- Stop, Amir. Amir, stop. This is why you're so bad. At the end of the day, all that being said, I do regret you. Yeah, that wasn't a turn.

It wasn't like although, however, but. It was like in addition to that. Now, Amir. Now, listen. So basically what Jake is saying. I know what he's saying. It was so blunt. You've ruined his life.

Well, it's. Ruined my life. My life and career. My career and life are intertwined. But what he's saying is but he regrets working with you. Yeah, so I think the big takeaway here is that he doesn't know what but means because it should have been and. Okay, do you have anything you want to say to Jake?

Yeah, I thought I was going to have like an awesome time and like to have like a fun like retrospective kiss about this entire fucking like two decades together, building up to this one moment, deciding what we should do in the not too distant future together but now ever since you came on the energy has completely shifted to the point where i feel like everything i've known for the past 20 years is not i feel like the hot dog thing has legs the hot dog thing is such a small huge legs such a small part of what we heard because like since the hot dog thing jake has basically admitted to not

liking me and regretting meeting me not regretting meeting you regretting working that was 18 years ago working yeah yeah he doesn't regret meeting you because he's met so many people in his life but regret hitching his ride to you exactly yes deciding to be partners so the idea of the hot dog thing is such a small thing in the grand scheme of things now i don't know but i think that this is the problem i think you don't listen totally amir because if you listen to him you can hear the positive you can hear the positive which is at the end because he said but and then he repeated himself but yeah but no he said but he said but you've weighed me down my entire career if i went with anybody else i'd. That's also what he said before the bus. But all that aside, all that aside, I do regret you being a part of me.

Yes. Exactly. Exactly. You regret it. At the end of the day, I regret it. What do you want me to say? I don't want you to. Do you want him to lie?

No, I don't want him to lie. Why would he lie in the last show? I guess I regret him lying for the last 18 years for sure because I had no idea this was coming. This is a bombshell. Shake his hand. I'm blindsided. Shake his hand.

Jake his hand. Jake his hand. What does that mean? To shake it? It's a shake, but you'll see how he shakes it. Jake it. That's a Jake. I've never felt that before.

Have you jaked his hand before? What's your first time you're ever actually seeing Jake for the first time because he's being honest. You're an agent of chaos. You sowed an entire decade's worth of discord in the last nine minutes of being on the show. What's your name, by the way? Me? I got a very normal name. Go ahead and introduce yourself.

Why would I have to introduce it? It's like saying if my name was just a normal name, I don't have to say it. Sure, yeah. It doesn't matter. Just, you know, casually mention it. What do you want? You want the first one or the second one? Yeah, you can do both.

Second one, first one. You mean your last name? Your full name. Yeah, just say your full name. But both of them are normal so it doesn't even matter. Just imagine anybody's normal name. Like a Bob Johnson.

Exactly. Or a Ron Thompson or something like that. Very similar to those two but it's like my name. It's your personal name. So feel free to. So we don't even have to get into it.

Even people that have normal names would say them when prompted. And we should introduce you. It's important for us to say what your name is. All right, then just introduce me. Do you know my name? I thought I did, but it sounds like you're. It's a completely bizarre name by the fact that you're refusing to even say. I'm so sorry.

Are you talking about my name? You don't know what my name is? So we're Jake and Amir, and we're here with? My normal name. Exactly. You would say it then. You would say it then when I point to you. Oh, point to me.

Sorry, I didn't even know. We are Jake and Amir. We are here with? Lazarus Sherpant. Huh? Lazarus. Lazarus Sherpant.us Lazarus Sherpant Pleasure to meet you You set that up as the most normal name

But those two things were I've never heard those noises before Sherpant Lazarus Sherpant First name Lazarus The whole first name is Lazarus So there's a last name in addition to all that You asked You want Lazarus? The whole first name is Lazarus Sherpant. So there's a last name in addition to all that? You asked.

You want Lazarus Sherpant as my first name. Lazarus Sherpant. Yeah, well, do you want to know my last name? It's even more normal than the first name. I really hope so because that's insane, Lazarus Sherpant. It has to be more normal than your first name. What's your last name? By the way, you did say you had a normal first and last name.

Yeah, so we're good. Do we even need to get into it? I'm curious what it is now because I thought I was expecting a Sam or a Sean, and I heard Lazarus Sherpant. That's exactly what it is. That's not. That's exactly what it is. It sounds like he gave you the idea.

It's very similar to Sam or Sean. Okay, as a last name. Lazarus Sherpant. Charbelit? Cram. Hyphenated? Yes. Sherpant. Charbelit Krantz. Hyphenated? Yes.

Yes, and your dad was one of them. Your mom was the other. How is that similar to Sean? No, that's the first half. Then a hyphen. Charbelit Krantz. Hyphen. Doorknob. I'm sorry.

Lazarus Krantz. Lazarus Sherpant. First name. Last name. Kr. Lazarus Sherpant. First name. Last name. Krant. Krant. Krant something? I already forgot, honestly.

Doorknob? Doorknob, yeah. Crandall and Doorknob? Yeah. This has got to be your 20th appearance on our show. Never heard that name before in my entire life. Maybe ask more questions. Check out his IMDB.

Maybe that's why Jake hates you. Check out his IMDB. Holy shit, he changed it. Lazarus Sherpant. Sherpant. Crandall is doing up. Is going to be on fucking Renfield. How dope is that?

Wait, so when will I ever be able to do bits with you guys again? In a public manner. I guess it's over. Well, you'll come to our live show. You'll be a public manner I guess it's over Well you'll come to our live show You'll be a part of our Never I literally would never come to your live show What am I going to do with your live show?

Sell hot dogs Oh man Alright Alright I'm sad This makes me sad guys It means that Jake probably won't be in LA as much either I'll still be in LA a lot

But maybe less Cool Maybe less Yeah I bet way less Yeah I bet way less. I'll see you sometime, man. I guess I can zoom in.

And what about you, Amir? Does that just leave you by yourself? Well, I got, I have all my other, the, all the other shit that I'm working on.

Yeah, what? I'm working on, Jake has the Dungeons and Dragons show. Yeah, it's hugely popular. He's touring like like different countries i'm trying to do a comic book thing next year you're drawing a comic book i don't know how to draw but i'm thinking of graphic novel ideas for you're trying to do one next year i'm trying to think of ideas for a graphic novel next year all right what's an idea we could tell you if you're on the right path.

Well, it's kind of ironic, so I don't know if you like dark, ironic themes. I love dark stuff, yeah. Of course. So it's like a kid who's turning into a boy, like a bar mitzvah style man, or transition. A kid turning into a boy? A kid who's turning into a boy?

That's not what a bar mitzvah is. And then finally. Bar mitzvah is a boy turning into a man, right? That's not a bad idea. A kid turning into a boy? That's not what a bar mitzvah is. And then finally. Bar mitzvah is a boy turning into a man, right? That's not a bad idea. A kid turning into a boy is. A kid turning into a boy is the same thing. Right. So the entire thing is sort of an allegory for a bar mitzvah. So you have to read from the Torah in order to become a man or in my case.

Is it a religious text? What's that? It has religious overtones. And then it takes place in like a fictionalized Chicago so it's kind of like bar mitzvah meets Chicago style not with music

because when it comes to graphic novels it has to be like very visual and not like you can't hear I wonder what you're going to look like in two years in my head it's terrible I think you're going to look terrible in two years I think this is going to be a big moment in your life where you just crash i don't feel like i hate that

thanks for saying that ben why of course i just think his insight is useful of course it's helpful to hear things it's helpful like i look mostly you know that's that's some really nice ben insight which i which i think is valuable and that's something that i'll really miss how is the dungeons and dragons podcast i thought it was as big as it could possibly get but it keeps on growing. It's so exciting. That's really cool. It's thrilling. Just got back from Australia.

So basically this child... We're planning another world tour for next year. Yeah, this tweenager, this 12-year-old. So yeah, exciting stuff. This child, this kid boy. Yes, this kid boy, which is the name of the show. Sorry, graphic novel. You say there's gonna be Torah text in the graphic novel?

In the background. So like, there are gonna be like little imagery. the name of the show. Sorry, graphic novel. You say there's going to be Torah text in the graphic novel? In the background. So like, there are going to be like little imagery like, oh my God, is that a fucking wallpaper or is it my Torah portion? Style graphic art.

And then, Ben, do you remember from your bar mitzvah you can't touch the Torah, you have to use a yad? Yeah, you have to use a pointer thing. So that pointer thing

is his actual hand. That yad, which means hand or arm in Hebrew, is his yad, is his hand. Well, thanks so much for having me on, everybody. Of course. Thank you so much for coming by. It's so good to see you back.

And if you have anything to plug, whether it's Renfield, your Radio City Music Hall show, a lot of exciting things coming up. Oh, yeah, I do, actually. So I'm going on tour. Ben Schwartz and Friends, my improv show, is going on tour. We're playing Radio City Music Hall in New York, a 6000 person venue The first long form improviser ever to do that Or I think first improviser ever to headline that But also we're coming to Toronto We're coming to England

You go to rejectedjokes.com and all those dates are there It's very very exciting It's not about plugging I don't want to plug This is about saying goodbye To two of my close friends. We'll still talk. Saying goodbye to their friendship.

We'll hang out. Saying goodbye to their creative opportunities. I think we'll still be together. And saying goodbye to Amir's career. The end of a career. It's the end of a career. And I think that's pretty cool. It's an exciting moment for me.

I think I'm excited by it because I don't feel like I have this thing that's like, hey, go play. Sorry, you're talking so fast. It's fun to celebrate. You're talking so fast. I feel like the Jewish comic thing that you have going is. It's not just Jewish, but yeah, I can understand where you are coming from because you sort of cut me off in the middle of the description, but it does encompass an entire coming of

age sort of theme. So it's not just about the yacht. Jewish Kid Boy is kind of interesting. Really? Jewish Kid Boy. I like to stick my teeth into something like that. Yeah. And I think you should.

And I think you should. And thank you, Ben, for coming on, for gracing us with your presence. I would never miss the last one. I was here for number 100. I think I was here for number 500. How many times do you think I've been on the show? I've probably dropped by more than a couple times. Between the live shows and the shows that you come by and the shows that you've interrupted.

There was an episode where it was just me and you, remember? Where was I? Yeah, you were sick, remember? We went to my little room in my apartment and you remember where was I yeah you were sick remember we went to my little room in my apartment and you were too sick yeah you faced before everybody got COVID and you were you were so like attuned to get not getting sick that you actually faced away from me during the show

did you get sick people said Jake it was one of the best shows yeah I think I did yeah because Amir said Amir literally licked his finger and put his finger in my gum yeah and said gum alert yeah that was like a thing that was before we were recording video so we didn't really get to see that yeah we didn't even need to see it yeah that is a lost episode it must still be online we can listen to her today for sure actually let's listen to how long have we

been doing this 10 years how long have we been friends? Do you think we met in 2004? No. 2007? 2007, yeah. I think 2007. 2007. So 17 years, 18 years, 17 years, 18 years, 16 years. No matter what number is the right one, it's a lot. It's a lot.

Yeah. Because new friends become old over time, which is sort of brings me back to Jewish kid boy. And I think, yeah, he's out, which is fine. It actually makes sense for him to leave like that because he didn't want to hear any spoilers. Yeah. It was sad for him to be like, like now he wants to have it in his imagination, how it could possibly go. And he didn't want to.

That is the way it should have ended. It should have ended. It did end that way. And that was that was Ben Schwartz, everybody. Thanks, Ben. I guess we could take these off. Okay, that's it. We have nothing else to discuss, nothing else to say.

We've waxed and waned philosophical. We've reminisced. We've listened to theme songs. Did I even say who did the second theme song that we listened to? I don't think you did. It was Matthew Pope, another Matthew. He wanted to shout out his friends Will Lawson, Lewis Cochran, and especially Andrew Lavis

who got me into the show. Wow. Looking forward to whatever's left. Next. Whatever's left. What's next is whatever is left. I mean, we have to keep people abreast. Keep people posted. I wish we had a Yeah, there's no announcement. A newsletter. Oh yeah, actually

we had one at one point. Yeah. Yeah. I think we handed it off to HeadGum. I guess all you can do is just say subscribe to this feed because that's where we'll... Maybe we can just drop some two-minute conversations where we are ideating or something. Yeah. Mini announcements.

Yeah. Mini announcements or updates. Yeah, exactly. That'd be kind of nice. Yeah. That way people are kept abreast. We can call our new feed Follow Up Pub, or we'll just kind of mention any progress on your graphic novel or something.

Yeah, little leaks on our Patreon of pages that have sort of been kicked around with a graphic illustrator. You can follow. We have the socials for Jake and Amir now, which is kind of nice. Yeah, we own them. Yeah. It's nice to own Jake and Amir again while this is all ending. So at the very least, follow at Jake and Amir on stuff. I will say I tried to post something to our Facebook page recently, and they're like,

we need to verify your address and send you a letter, and then you can punch in the code that we give you. And I didn't even- Send you a letter in the mail? Yeah, they need to verify a physical address. So our Facebook is gone. Our Facebook is not. Yeah.

That's fine. Yeah. That's fine. That feels fine. It's okay to let that part of us go. Yeah. Because we're still on TikTok. We're still on the tweets.

We're still on the grams. Exactly. And you guys are still here and supporting us. We will never check this email address, this Gmail address. Close for business. We should say thank you to everybody. We should say thank you. I think that the- That's a good call. I remember it was scary when we started the podcast because I was like, is anybody going to give a shit about what we have to say? Because they like Jake and Amir videos.

This is us out of character. Yeah. We've never been out of character before. Yeah. And I think it was very fun and very rewarding to like connect with people as essentially as ourselves. So thank you everybody for letting, you know, allowing this whole thing to work. And even more so to the day ones as always. Yeah. If you've been with us since day one. Respect to the day ones. We respect you even more than new fans.

Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. We actually, compared to you, the new respect you even more than new fans uh-huh yeah we actually compared to you the new fans suck yeah new fans fuck off mute it for a second yeah but y'all are trying y'all are trying all right turn it back on everybody thank you everybody yeah everybody yeah thank you uh and thanks to you guys for sending in theme songs and um questions for a decade straight. Actually, the theme song might be the best part of the show.

Yeah. People put a lot of effort into the theme songs in the shows. And we never had to repeat. We had enough talented fans to go 590 episodes, sometimes two per episode. And we sometimes forget to even shout you out and thank you. And you still keep on making up theme songs. One more time. That's Matthew Pope earlier. And there was another Matt. Matthew Kazakos. you. And you still keep on making up theme songs. One more time, that's Matthew Pope earlier. And there was another Matt, Matthew Kazakos.

Yeah, and his brother. We wanted to end on a fun, high punk rock note. So I found a fun punk rock theme song to close this out. That is by Dustin. Let me see. Oh, yeah. Speaking of punk rock, I believe Fade on Shuffle, we just released a new one. There's a new Fade on Shuffle, we just released a new one.

There's a new Fade on Shuffle song. It's a cover. It's a cover of Hercules. I Can Go the Distance? I Can Go the Distance. So check it out. So when you say we, because that's, you just do the writing. That one's already written. So what did you do for that one? So I'm kind of like the front man of the band. You're not singing it.

At this stage, I'm not singing that song. So it is a cover and somebody has to, I mean, like any good pop punk band, they'll have their originals and they'll have a cover. Somebody has to have an idea for what to cover. Was that your idea? In this case, that was Gareth's idea. In addition, yeah.

To cover that song. Specifically. That song specifically. But I said, I, when he said that idea i was like i was not immediately i kind of was like are you sure we should do that i vetoed it he did it anyway i heard it i loved it so i do like the song it's a great song i haven't heard the the pop punk cover but i do like that we're gonna have to lean on gareth heavily when we uh start making our own music yeah lean on gareth and lean on this guy, Dustin Clark. It would be an honor to be played on the last episode of If I Were You. So here we go.

I've made half a dozen theme songs for you over the years, the post-election one, Other Side of Hard Country. They've all been original tunes. Nothing to shout out except for the awesome community of Jake and Amir fans out there, all of which are funnier than this show ever was. Yes, agreed. We don't disagree. Yeah. So let's have Dustin play us out before we go. Yeah. Last, last episode, last award. Wait.

No, I think I earned the golden mic on this one. So I want to say thank you to everybody for this unprecedented, unprecedented, excuse me. I'm so excited. Unprecedented run. Why did you shake? Why did you want to why did you shake why did you want to shake my hand why'd you want to hold are you not proud of me 590 golden mics that's a pretty big deal i don't want i'm not gonna i'm not gonna let anger seep into this let me go you're holding me so firm. This is pretty exciting. This is pretty exciting. An unprecedented.

It was already unprecedented. Let's not let a petty grievance. Let's not let a petty grievance so discord among us to ruin this last episode, this final moment. Because you do get the turdy. And I think that's pretty neat. I think that's pretty neat. Why do I get the turdy? Because these are two unprecedented runs.

You derailed the whole Ben conversation with your little Jewish kid boy thing. It was tacky. It was weird. It was weird. So I want to say I'm cheese-chuffed, honored to be here. You're holding me on. Your hands are so slippery, and it's like you're holding tight. Crap, Klaus.

Yeah, we're fucking back. We're back. The pinch. The pinch is bad. Holy shit. So we did it. The entire run. The entire run. The entire run had golden mics for you and turdies.

Turdies for me. I can give you a sympathy golden mic. That'd be incredible. Do you want one? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'll take a sympathy golden mic.

You get a sympathy golden mic. It's the same as a golden mic. Sympathy is just describing the golden mic that I've won. It's not a separate award, right? It is a golden mic. It's sympathy golden mic. It's the same as a golden mic. Sympathy is just describing the golden mic that I won. It's not a separate award, right? It's not. It is a golden mic. It's a golden mic. You are going to end this show with your first ever.

This one? The one that you're holding? Sympathy golden mic. It's a little different. It's a sympathy golden mic. It's kind of a rose gold. You're saying you've won 500 golden mics. I've won 500 turdies.

And I have won rose gold mic. One rose gold bronze mic. Golden mic. I mean, I'll fucking take it. Nice, man. Congrats. Thanks to you guys. We'll be back in a year or five.

Well, I've heard it all before. But I kept on falling for Every joke and shitty lie And I know you didn't mean To be more than that or anything But it happened anyway It's hard to change a point of view You know we never wanted to

Don't have to grow up But you can't stay here Cause I would If I could Do this forever If I were you I'm sorry You won't be next to me

Tomorrow If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you that was a hit gum original hey i'm jake john, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight

to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match.

They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.