Segments - Bonus: Bruised Penis (2019)

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

In this episode we discuss pizza crust, screen time, and whether or not sex is like Tetris.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. What is this, a new If I Were You podcast? Well, kind of. These are episodes that were living behind our Patreon for the last five years, and we figured, why not release some of the best ones onto this feed to reward those of you that never gave up, that never unsubscribed. So please enjoy this classic episode of If I Were You, recorded were you I'd tell you what I would do If only I were you

Shark.com Epic. What are you looking at? Just fucking around on my phone. Fucking around? This is the beginning of the ep, man. Let's fucking get into it. What are you looking up?

I was just... Checking some stuff? No, I was refreshing Instagram stories. Not really anything. Yeah, not really anything. I got to the end, so I was like. Let's go, baby. This is If I Were You, a video bonus Thursday episode.

I'm going to just check out my Discover tab to see if there's anybody new to follow. Discover tab? Fuck, man. It sounds like you're like. I'm going to go on Twitter. Bored. It really seems like you're bored or some shit. I'm bored.

You're killing time? I'm bored with you. Is it started? No, it started. We did the theme song and now we're recording. This is part of the episode. Right, so let's just do the first question. And then what? I have to respond to an email quicker.

Okay, sure. I'm literally phoning you in these days. And then what? I have to respond to an email quicker. Okay. Sure. I'm literally phoning it in these days. Yeah, you are phoning it in. You're doing a lot of double takes. Just don't look at your phone. You're done. Just change from 1242 to 1243.

It's kind of interesting. Why? If you're done with your feeds, like Twitter, all refreshed. Instagram, all refreshed. No emails coming in. No text. You don't have anything so then you can look at the lock screen for what well because the numbers change that's not like an alert that's not a notification there's not to be an alert it's like a change it's

like what was your screen time last week it says it gives you your weekly screen time what was it 22 22 hours 22 hours that's so much most of it's in the productivity tab, though. But I guess that's just what they call being on the Chrome browser. Are you on your phone when you sleep? I don't sleep. That's awful for you. If I sleep for two hours, I'm not on my phone then.

Two hours a day? Two hours a night. Yeah, that's the same shit. I'm talking about a full day that includes day and night right okay which is kind of weird i guess but you're not sleeping enough is what i sleep for two hours at night obviously close your mouth you got like dental work done or something a lot of crowns all crown crowns, one fang. You shaved it down.

I forked my tongue. Like the drummer from, one of the bassists from Limp Bizkit. Who was that guy? Oh, Wes. He had the black eyes, the fully black eyes. I don't think he forked his tongue, though. That would have been so sad if he'd made permanent changes to his face for Limp Bizkit. What's his net worth? Is he still fine?

Is he making cash? But it is Wes something. It's Wes. Wes from Limp Bizkit. Wes Borland? That's right. Al Borland's son? Alright, Wes Borland, celebrity net worth. What are you guessing? Over under 7 million. Under 7 million. Less than 5 million. Under $7 million. Less than $5 million.

Net worth. Wow. I did really good with the line. It says he has a net worth of $8 million. Wow. That's pretty good. And I think, correct me if I'm wrong, but this guy invested wisely. Jesus Christ.

He actually bought during the dip of the economic recession. Low risk stocks and bonds. He owns a four bedroom in Park Slope. An ETF account. There he is. He was an early robo investor.

He got into crypto super early and cashed out. Yeah. Wow. Jesus Christ. Good on you, Wes Borland. All right. This is If I Were You, an advice podcast after all. It's not just financial advice, though we are well-equipped to give that.

That's correct. We're also helping people out of their normal sticky situations, like this person right here, a lady. We'll give her a lady's name. Oh, just like any. Any, like a female even guitarist or something. Yeah, like a rock and roll. A rock and roll-a. Yeah.

Like who's the West Portland, but like ladies. I guess I would say, I mean, Sheryl Crow never did like the freaky, oh, you know what? Courtney Love. That's cool. Is probably a little bit more. Courtney Love writes, I just turned 25 and unfortunately I'm still a virgin. I'm not afraid of sex or think of it as scary in any way. I've done plenty of other things leading up to it.

I was just a late bloomer and a little picky. Anyway, I've kind of been trying to dump my virginity on this first guy I have sexual chemistry with because I'm honestly tired of not going through with it, and I really don't want to make it a big deal. I recently matched with a guy on Hinge, and we hit it off. Texting, Snapchatting, and all that stuff. And he seemed pretty down to clown. We went so far as to text a few times, sext a few times, I should say, and have sent nudes back and forth. Okay.

But here's the twist. Turns out this guy's a virgin, too. And for some reason, I'm rethinking the whole thing. How dare he be a virgin as well? What I wanted to just be a romp in the hay has now has to be like this big deal because it's both of our first times. And I know it's so hypocritical, but now I'm wondering why this seemingly normal 24-year-old guy has never found anybody to fuck. What are you talking about?

Even though I haven't either. All right, so at least you're self-aware. Am I terrible for kind of being turned off by this virgin status even though I'm in the exact same boat? I'm hoping to do it with someone more experienced and just go along for the ride, pun intended. Should I go for it anyway? How do I make this experience not feel like

we're two 16-year-olds groping around in the dark? Thanks. Okay. If you were a 25-year-old virgin, would you want to sleep with an expert or would you want to sleep with a virgin as well? I think I'd probably want to sleep with another virgin or at least somebody that didn't have a ton of experience.

Yeah. I think that sleeping with someone that was, like, a Lothario would be a little bit intimidating. It's hard because, like, when you're playing video games, you don't want to play against an expert because you're like, this isn't fun. I'm just, they're too good. But if you're playing, like, basketball, you also don't want to play against someone who's amazing. But if you're collaborating, like if it was me and you, and we were doing something in a collaborative

way, I'd want the topic to be something you were good at. Like if this was an art competition, I'd want my partner to be really good. So is sex more like a video game or more like art? Very interesting question.

Thank you for positing it. Video game! This is the fundamental difference between the both of us. I think it's art. You think it's a video game. It's Tetris. And you're trying to make the perfect piece fit.

You have weird sex. And I have a long, straight one. And you got a little fucking T. Yeah, that's right. Your dick looks like the small ass. You have a fucking square, man. The goat piece. I wonder if it's like, if she had matched with somebody who she found out was like a player, like somebody who hooked up with a lot of people, if she would be talking herself out of it in the exact same way.

Like it almost makes me think that she's just nervous that you're yeah, that maybe you're just not ready or that you're if you're nervous and you need to like relax and you know i think two virgins is good because you're you can't be like oh you're not in your head about like oh shit i hope i'm doing this wrong because they also don't know you know there's also nothing that says you have to have sex with this guy yeah i get she made this promise to herself like i'm gonna fuck the next person that i have even remote sexual chemistry with but you guys can just do other stuff leading up to sex. And if it's feeling good, if it's normal and nice, then you can have sex. Yeah. But would you recommend it or would you say wait for someone who's more experienced?

I wouldn't say wait for someone who's more experienced. But I wouldn't say that, like, you need to make a decision whether or not to fuck this guy now when you haven't met him. Like, but you might as well not write it off is what I would say. Imagine sending nudes and sexting where you, one, have never met and two, have never had sex. Yeah. That seems, I mean, sending nudes, I feel like that time would have passed. Because now it's like the iCloud. It's everywhere.

Like, now it's just like so clear. It's everywhere instantly. Now it's just like so clear that bad shit happens when you do it. Like, I understand why it happened initially. And the pictures are so good. We're like sending photos. It's sexy. It's Snapchat. It's whatever.

But then like after the leaks, just stop doing this. You've seen the devastation from it. And it's such high res too. It's not like a blurry flip phone. You can zoom in so good. Yeah, you can really see the devastation from it. And it's such high res, too. It's not like a blurry flip phone. You can zoom in so good. Yeah, you can really see the dick hole of it all. Why don't you get your new phone?

I thought you got a new phone. I did, but you remember I pulled my back last week? Uh-huh. It just, everything felt like such a huge effort. So for me to open a box and plug in a bunch of wires and like download, I just like didn't have the energy for anything. Interesting. So I'm going to do it next week when I go back home. Are you going to transfer the nudes or are you going to like delete this old phone and then start a nude with the nude?

Yeah, I think I'll start fresh, but I'll start fresh by like taking a few photos of my asshole. Yeah. Just so like. Uploading to the cloud, Snapchat. Yeah. Storage. That'd be kind of interesting to just have a photo of my asshole on my phone. As your home screen or lock screen?

No, no, no. It would just be like in my stream. So if anybody, if anyone's like swiping, I'll be like, don't swipe, don't swipe. Hold on, hold on, hold on my ass. Yeah. And then it's like, it's not just like a new, it's like straight up my asshole. Like it's a real punishment for swiping. You know what I mean?

Someone else would have to take it if it was a true asshole photo. Right. You can't quite get it. I could get it. You'd have to like, because you want to be a little far away, dead on. You have a timer, self timer and a mirror. Oh, that's cool. So you set it down a few steps out.

Ass spread or are you just bending over? Goatee style. That's a good stakes for a bet. Loser has to just slide in an asshole photo. With a little sign that says, why did you swipe left? Would you... Would you rather have a

photo of my asshole on your phone like that, where people can't tell if it's yours or my ass, or would you rather have a picture of your asshole on my phone like that, where people can't tell if it's yours or my ass, or would you rather have a picture of your asshole on my phone? Where people couldn't tell if it was yours or mine?

Yeah. I think yours. My asshole on your phone? Everyone would believe me if I said it was yours. It's not like someone would be like, no, man, that's your asshole. I would just be like,

that's Amir's asshole. Yeah, but they would be like, why the hell do you have a picture of his asshole? He put it there. He's an idiot. Delete it. I would just be like, that's Amir's asshole. Yeah, but they would, would they be like, why the hell do you have a picture of his asshole? He put it there. He's an idiot. Delete it. I blame it.

I don't know how. It's a fucking would you rather shit. So you're saying, I'd rather have a picture of an asshole on my phone as long as it's not my asshole. I don't want a picture of my asshole in the wild. I'd rather have any asshole on my phone than my asshole.

I'm the same. I'd rather have my, picture of my asshole on your phone than my asshole. I'm the same. I'd rather have my picture of my asshole on your phone because that way my phone is clear of the holes. There's no anus on my phone. I guess if it's like just the hole. No, you can't change your fucking mind.

Take a picture of my grundle and make it your lock screen. My grundle. Because it has to be taint, hair, rectum. You're changing the rules now. It has to be your home and or lock screen. You're making additions. That's absolutely an addition.

It's an amendment. All right, fine. Let's call the whole thing off. Okay. Have sex with a virgin. Well, just don't write it off. You don't have to do it. But you'd also, you shouldn't not do it

because he's a virgin yeah it's definitely fine that he's a virgin case in point you also are check out amir's asshole thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out.

But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

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Question two. Hey, bitches. I'm a 19-year-old dude, and I'm currently a junior at Minnesota. Fred Durst. That's cool. I've gotten myself into a pretty sticky situation, and I really need your sage advice. So here's the thing. There's this girl that I've been hanging out with

as of late and one of the first times we got drunk and fucked. See, this guy's completely different from the first one. They're already fucking each other the first time. I made a pizza after

and this girl didn't tell me that she was a vegetarian until after I cooked the meat lover's pizza. So being the gentleman I am, I offered her the crust and she gratefully accepted. Wow, what a gentleman you are. You made a pizza she couldn't eat after having sex with her.

And then gave her the crust. The saddest part of the pie. Seems harmless, right? Wrong. Since then, she has taken this as a meaning that she gets the crust every time. And I'm talking every time I make a pizza when we get pizza at a restaurant. Now, I'm not some fat ass who needs every last bite

of crust, but the crust is a great part of the pizza and sometimes I'd like to enjoy it. My question is this. How do I tell this girl that I want the crust sometimes without having to hurt her feelings and ruining this cute little quirk we have in our fledgling relationship? All advice appreciated.

Thanks. Come to Minnesota. Why do people like crust? I like the crust. It's the worst. It's so bad. I like it because it's like, it's a nice, like, non-cheesy bite that ends the slice. And if it's good crust.

It's the fucking ass end of the pizza. You're not eating the crust? No, I would never eat the crust. What about on a sandwich? You're eating the crust? No, I would never eat the crust. What about on a sandwich? You're eating the crust? Yeah, on the sandwich it's fine because it's still it has all of the on a sandwich, on a good sandwich, the filling goes

right to the crust. And if it doesn't, are you just discarding the crust? Yeah, I'm not going to just eat crust. I like the crust. And if it's got a bubble and a little bit of sauce, that's a good crust. A little bit of sauce, I understand. But like when it's just dry... You're just leaving it there. Of course!

Of course! But what's wrong with bread? You'll eat bread. I'll eat bread, but I don't want it to be... I'll eat bread, but I'll have it with... I'll have it be toasted with butter and with some peanut butter, or with some Vegemite. Shout out to my Aussie friends. What is this accent you're doing?

Some Vegemite. Some Vegemite, mate. But I mean, Christ. Crust. You know, you just have a dry bread. Dry rye. Toasted hot. Brown around the town. Dry rye Miss American

pie. Pizza pie. Pie crust is fine. So you're saying this guy should just sacrifice crust. No, I'm saying So you're saying this guy should just sacrifice crust. No, I'm saying if you don't want her to eat the crust, like if you make an entire pie, one that she can eat, she can probably have her slices and her crust and you have your slices and then eat your crust. It will not come up.

Also, if you have two slices, like, and you have both crusts on the plate, she's not going to be able to eat both right away. You have to eat it before she did. Yeah, you can give her a piece of the crust. You can establish a way where you start eating the crust slowly but surely. You'll have a bite of your crust before you give it to her. You'll have two bites, you're giving her half a crust.

Before you know it, you've changed the dynamic of the relationship where you have at least three quarters of your crust and she has a bite to keep up with the cuteness. But on a whole pie, that's a lot of crust, bud. You'll have enough crust. Do you prefer the square slice? No crust. Square pie. I want the middle slice.

I love a Sicilian pie that's all cheese and sauce. All right. Would you rather have two slices of pizza or two bites of every slice? Two bites of every slice. I don't want the crust. You do that sometimes at a family-style restaurant. You said, can we eat this rat-style? It's the shit

and... Permissa to have two bites of every slice and then I'm out for the day? You know the table? The table in the middle? That's the goat bite. The one circle. Every single, yeah.

I want that to be a little cutter. Cut everybody. Oh my God. You want the cheese, you want the sauce, you want the bread, but you don't need just bread. Otherwise, I'd have bread, not pizza. It's a nice dessert to the pizza slice. I prefer the crust to the actual slice. I think the crust is,

dare I say, the best part. That's insane. You just like fucking plain-ass bread? No, not plain bread. Plain crust! Do you think most people eat the crust or don't? I think most people... If I'm throwing up a Twitter poll. Interesting. I think most people... I would guess they do a Twitter poll. Interesting. I think most people...

I would guess they do. Yes! But it's close. I'm normal. I think it's like 55-45. Or maybe it's like 60-58. It's too high. I think it's like 65% eat the crust and then like 55% don't.

I know. That's what you were misspeaking and you clarified to a worse percentage. That's 110%. At most, 100% of people answer the quiz. Okay. So 100% of people weighing in, 30% don't eat the crust, 40% do. 70% do. Because there's only two options.

It's 100 minus whatever you thought was the... You're not eating the crust. Awesome. No, you don't... I still don't get it, but it's fine. 100% of people answer the quiz. Oh, my God. Come on.

100 minus 10. You don't know. Oh, no. I don't want to guess because I feel like I'll... Yeah. You shouldn't know nothing Oh no I don't want to guess because I feel like I'll You shouldn't have to guess is what I'm saying It shouldn't be a guess But I feel like if I guess it's going to be wrong Like if I just took a shot in the dark and it was right

Even if you got it right at this point I'll know you haven't learned anything The fact that you're calling it a shot in the dark Right If I take a stab at that If I'm like If I take a stab at that, if I'm like, if I'm like,

eight. If I think it's eight and it's right, then it's like, oh, Jake actually is smart. But if I, I feel like chances are, I wouldn't think that now. Chances are wrong.

I would never. Chances are that it's, that it's like, yes, chances are wrong. Because it's five or six or seven. And then I'm like, and then I'm,

I know that it's less than ten it saddens me to hear this part of you I just don't want to come across like a like a fool do you see there's like little squares on your shirt could you count how many squares there are oh no you're doing it to yourself

oh my god you're a fucking toddler how do you talk, you're a fucking toddler. How do you talk? Oh, you're crying. You're hurting your back again. All right, eat the crust. Don't worry about it. That's what we're telling this guy?

Yeah, I would say eat the crust. This guy has a bruised dick. Question the third. We'll call him Richard. Cautionary tale for question number one. A bruised dick for this thick prick make the ladies more than sick. I noticed a bruise on the base of my member this yesterday. After having some rough drunken sex the night before.

Ha. Ha, indeed. I am writing with one hand as the other one is currently icing the base of my penis trying to accelerate the healing process my problem is this I'm currently on a bit of a roll with the ladies and there are four girls who I've been hooking up with for the past month

how do I refrain from having sex with any of them without alienating them completely so I don't re-injure my little general should I tell them about the bruise and has this ever happened to you, Jake? Oh. I'm sorry, pal. But you can make fun of me for not knowing math if you want.

It's fine. He's right. My dick's never been. I never had a bruised dick either, though. I did have like a hurt dick once. I feel like you'd have chafing more than bruising. Yeah. That's from Jango too much, you fucking

pervert. You little lonely little prick. Bapping too much. Take your dick out right now. I can have sex and still be lonely, and I resent that. Okay? I was definitely lonelier when I was single. Of course. I was having plenty of sex. So bruised dick. Are you familiar

with this thing? Have you had friends that suffered from this? I feel like I've heard bruised dick. Are you familiar with this thing? Have you had friends that suffered from this? I feel like I've heard bruised dick before. It must be, like, hard and then, like, sprained or bent or the muscle gets torn or... I don't know. It sounds painful. There's, like, you can really hurt your dick. You can break it, you know? There's, like...

But if there's no bone there, what are you breaking? I guess the, like, the veins that carry the blood to it or something? There's, like, cartilage in your dick, isn't there? Like, the same way that there is cartilage in your ear. I'll say no. Okay. Ear, heart, cartilage. Dick, just muscle. Dick is just muscle? And veins,

of course. Search if there's cartilage in your dick. Alright, hold on. Whoa! God, it's so tiny. It's an ear. Can I take a picture of your ear and asshole down there? Is there cartilage in your dick is not even like top five

auto-correct. Shoulder, ankle, ribs, neck, and wrist. Okay. Despite all the charming euphemisms, your penis doesn't contain any bones or even cartilage. Instead, the penis is made up of blood vessels and spongy tissue. Can you break your penis was the question. Interesting. But you can. Yeah.

You can still break a penis. It sounds like a loud pop. And then there's a lot of pictures. Oh, Jesus. Sort of cross sections. It looks like a little fly. Interesting. Okay. So, I guess I don't know what my advice

is here. I don't think it's hard to like, you don't have to tell anyone about it. Would you want to hang out with girls and be like sorry, I can't have sex. I bruised my dick. No, of course not. You can sex. I bruised my dick. No, of course not. You can. I actually bruised the dick from fucking all y'all too hard. No offense, all four of you.

Invite four of them to dinner. Can we do, can we get fro-yo? And I'll get one cup for me and another cup to put on the base of my cock. Which one of you broke my dick? Let's figure it out. What are you, Marsha? Like some sort of weird weakest link episode. The weakest link is your dick.

The weakest prick. Or would you not hang out with any lady or would you hang out and be like coy about it so it's like. I feel like if you're balancing hooking up with four different people you can pretty easily balance not like you're already good at not seeing three of them yeah right like just do that for two weeks and but instead of like hanging out with one and ignoring the other three just ignore all four for a few weeks and your penis will be fine maybe absence will make their hearts grow fonder anyway. Yeah. Or what if you hang out with one and be like, you don't even try to sleep with them.

Then it's like, oh, it shows that you're a nice guy. Well, that's dangerous if you don't want to like date them. Oh, because then it's like- Because then it's like, yeah, it's too serious of a relationship. So you're saying take a hiatus. Yeah. Just stay abstinent for two weeks. It'll be nice.

It'll clear your head. Why not? And the head of your dick. That's what stay abstinent for two weeks. It'll be nice. It'll clear your head. Why not? And the head of your dick. That's what I meant. Really? No. It was a pun unintended moment. Count the rectangles on your shirt again.

One, two, three, four, five. It's not that bad. I hate how rehearsed that sounded, too. I had been doing it in my head. Yeah. Since we talked about it. Pun intended. All right.

That's it. Three questions. No ads. The end. This is, after all, a bonus Thursday video Patreon version of our show. Thank you guys so much for watching. Of course, we'll be back, as always, next week. Bye, everybody. Bye, everybody. If I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do.

If only I were you. Shark.com. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this?

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