Segments - Bonus: Ear Holes (2019)

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

In this episode we discuss golfing, swimming, and whether or not it’s cool to accept an apology. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Shark.com. Good shit. You know how singers cover their ear because it might be infected when they're singing? Whoa. Ah. So I was pretending like. That's not why they do it. If I were you.

It's not. Are your ears infected? I feel like a fucking Whitney Houston type. Because like my ears... Your right ear is bleeding. Yeah. And there's a caterpillar in your left. I have an ear wig.

Here's a thing. Nose is the thing and nostril is the hole. For ear, it's the thing and the hole. What I'm supposing Can you say ear hole or ear canal? I need a separate word for the hole of the ear.

Okay. The bidding starts at nostril. But you want to call it nostril? You could call it your ear nostril. That's pretty cool. Or ear stroll for short. Ear stroll. Yeah.

Is there a scientific word for an ear hole? Scientific word for ear hole. Definitely one. What do you think it could be? Ear canal. The outer aperture of the No, it just says ear hole. It says ear hole? On Wikipedia

it does. What is your ear hole called? Any joker can edit a Wikipedia though. Oh, this is pretty good. Oh, you can call your ear anus. It's close. Your first outermost hole is known as the external auditory meatus.

Imagine an anus so beefy it can only be described as a meatus. I forgot my AirPods. Can I stick your AirPods in my meatus? I need to put your pod into my meatus because I'm listening to a podcast. And the only way to consume auditory content is through the meatus. A Q-tip through your meatus. We're not going to beat that. So, yeah.

Meatus. Why do they cover their ear, actually? Isn't it? I don't know. Like, so you can. It doesn't really make any sense to me. I would think it's like, so you have like a monitor in your ear that you can hear yourself. You can hear yourself.

Can you hear yourself better? Can you hear yourself? You can hear yourself better with this? Do any of you AV heads know why singers cover one ear when they sing? Is it to get rid of the outside noise so they can hit the notes better? Yeah, it's so you can ignore the haters. Look that one up, too.

Why do singers cover one ear? Yeah. Well, why do singers cover one meatus? Yeah. This means that you can check that you are singing in tune with one ear whilst listening to other voices or instruments with the other. Some singers will also place a finger in their ear.

This enables for them to hear their resonance of the sound being made inside their head. It can also help with their tone and resonance. Oh, okay. Sorry, if you need to stick your finger in your ear, choose a new fucking profession. Like, I don't care who you are. You didn't even... I can sing, whether it's in an ear or out.

You can't sing either way. Either way. But, like, me personally, I know I'm a much worse singer until I put my finger in my meters. And then I get the notes. Like, I know I'm singing bad right now. Like, Third Eye Blinds, Semi-Term Life.

Do, do, do, do, do. Garbage. Do, do, do, do. Yes. Do, do, do, until Pure Gold. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Just as bad. Just as bad. Just as bad. You just can hear it less because you're covering one ear.

I just know that when I have my finger in my meatus, I can hear the resonance better and I can hear the band better with my left ear. Nice. Just know that it's bad either way.

The sky was rose. It was gold. I was taking sips of it through my nose, and I wish we could go back there someplace, back there. That's barely singing. Even in the song. It's like...

It's sing rap. It's in between. It's sing rap. If talking is one and singing is ten, that's a two. Stephen Jenkins' voice is so fucking melodic that he can do whatever he wants. He could read me a newspaper and I would nut sporadically. Any relation to him talking or you're just... I'm also fapping.

Yeah. Unrelated to him singing. Yeah. You just are constantly... Constantly a fap. Yeah. What's... What else is good?

We haven't introduced the show. This is If I Were You. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. Patreon Thursday bonus video episode of our show. Oh, yeah. It's an advice show, obviously, available for free every Monday. But every other Thursday, we have a little bonus video episode for our patrons.

I would call this a big bonus. It's a huge bonus. This takes way more effort than our actual podcast. Because there's video involved. Our frigging podcast is the bonus. This is the meatus. I shouldn't have taught you that word.

You never should have taught me that word, Blumenfeld. You've already used it ten times. Oh, yeah. Trying to make up for lost time.

All my life I had spent not saying meatus or knowing it. I'm trying to make up for lost meatus. Imagine not having an ear hole. Having no meatus? Yeah. You just have the meat. That's nice. Ear meat. That's not what that is. Imagine being an ear vegetarian. No meatus. All fetus. Oh my god. Don't. All right. We got a

question from someone who's going to dental school. So what about the name of your dentist? Oh, Dr. Pete. Dr. Pete. Same as Mayor Pete, actually. Same guy, too. Same guy. Wow.

Boot edge edge, they say. Nice. Does he have your vote? I'm voting for Trump. Again. Wow. Yeah. I'll probably do a protest vote for whatever third-party writing candidate there is.

To protest what? I don't know. Establishment. Okay. Cool. Fuck the man. Messed up because I'm registered in Pennsylvania, too. And I always do a protest vote where it really counts.

So you'll move to a swing state. Make sure that your vote counts and then you'll throw it away. Oh yeah. Purple state. Purple county. My vote matters. Protest vote. Just to say fuck it. Throw a big turd at the whole thing.

Drain the swamp as it were. That's cool. Right. But you know how to pronounce Mayor Pete's last name. So you're pretty informed. Right. I was a Gary Johnson guy last year. Who?

Gary Johnson. Third party candidate. Nice. Big nader head. Perot guy. Perogi. Oh, very good. You know you have a hole in your shirt?

You know you have a hole in your ear? Yeah. It's the meatus. Your shirt is falling apart. This is my shirt's meatus. Nice. It's pretty big, actually. It is getting bigger.

Fortunately, it's at the palest part of your body, so the whiteness almost matches the shirt. Yes, it's over my skin instead of the actual hair. That's right. So there's no pit hair coming out. What's the evolutionary purpose of pit hair? Like, we're usually covered in hair where it's necessary, but then, like, also in the pit of one of our arms has hair. Yeah. Why is that?

Maybe because when you're running. That's cool. There's a little less friction with hair. Yeah. Or maybe it's because we're ticklish there. Because you sweat there? Does it help with sweat? I don't know.

The back of my knees have hair, like armpits, and I don't know who to talk to about that. Not me. Search the evolutional purpose of armpit hair, please. This is a fun little game. We'll just have talks and then you... So we're learning things. Yeah. The evolutionary significance of human underarm hair is still debated.

Case in point, I think we both have pretty nuanced opinions. I said it was... It's actually close to what you said. It may naturally wick sweat or other moisture away from the skin, aiding ventilation. Colonization by odor-producing bacteria is thereby transferred away from the skin. Oh. Okay. What about eyebrows, though?

I think that's to protect the eye. Oh, from sweat getting into the eye? Yeah. Very nice. A little moat. Yeah. What about the hair I have on my taint? That's to protect your asshole from getting back sweat.

Otherwise, you'd be... That's to protect your meatus. I have what is known as a meatus moat. So I have a little caterpillar around my ear. We should set the record for most times saying meatus on a podcast. I think we're already there. You think so? Yeah, because we said it

more than once. Right. But I think Marin interviewed an ear, nose, and throat doctor. It was like two episodes after Obama. Did a deep, deep dive.

He peaked and then bottomed out. Yeah, within the same two and a half weeks. All right, this question from a dentist. Hey dudes, I got myself in a bit of a bugaboo, and I could use your advice. Second time writing, but long time listener. I'm a 23-year-old dude going to dental school in two months. Currently, I'm working in a dental office until then to get some good experience. The doctors that I work for are only a few years older than me, about 27 and 29. Anyways,

last week they invited me to play golf with them in 10 days before I head off to school. I'm absolutely terrible at golf despite being pretty decent all-around athlete and collegiate swimmer. I'm talking almost every time I swing... You're telling me you're a good swimmer and you're not good at golf?

Every time I swing, I either miss completely or top the ball a few yards. But he can swim. He can swim great. I told the docs that I wasn't very good at all, and they would probably slow them down. They assured me it would be fine, and it's all just an excuse to hang out and grab some drinks. I am terrified of embarrassing myself in front of the docs and other members of the country club. So my question is this. Should I put my head down or become a range rat for the next few weeks to get decent enough to survive nine holes? Or should I make up some excuse to get me out of this mess?

I'd like to learn how to play golf eventually, but I've been pretty busy lately to get lessons. Okay. I feel like he's under, or he oversold himself. To who? When they were like, do you want to play golf? He's like, no, I'm not any good.

It sounds like I play, but I'm not good. Like I have a nasty handicap, but I can still hit the ball. But like what really is the case is that he doesn't know how to play golf. He can't hit the ball.

Can't hit the ball. He says when he swings, he misses most of the time. You can't play. You can't hang. They probably are assuming you have at least like a passing ability to play. Fuck it. Let's go swimming. Make contact with the ball. You, me, and him. First one to get across that water hazard. A passing ability to play. Fuck it. Let's go swimming.

You, me, and him. First one to get across that water hazard. Let's go right now. Eaten by an alligator. Sprays his ankle on a... Oh, you got me, Todd. In a sand hole. What are those called? Sand pits?

Sand pits? Sand traps? Sand traps. Ah! I just wanted to drink and discuss molars with you guys. How's your golf game? Bad. Or, I mean, nonexistent.

I've played golf maybe three or four times. This kind where it's like par three, I have to hit it really far? Yeah, I've played that like maybe three or four times. I go to the driving range sometimes, or I've been to the driving range. I can hit the ball. You can hit it every time? You never whiff? I probably would still whiff.

I mean, I probably would still whiff at least once if I went golfing. Yeah. But even Phil Mickelson, Tiger Woods, I've seen him whiff. Yeah, Ernie Els once whiffed four times in a single drive. Hole 17, Augusta, the 2001 Masters, Corey Pavin whiffed 11 times in a row before dying in a plane crash. That's right.

Who is it? Jeff Spieth? Jason Spieth? Jordan Spieth. Jordan Spieth. He made a 27-foot putt, but on the next drive, whiffed. Just whiffed big time. He had to tip his hat and laugh and wave at the crowd.

Happy Gilmore style. I've actually seen Gary Woodcock, who recently won the U.S. Open, whiff on a putt. He whiffed on a putt? Yeah, so he lined it up. And then he bent down. He went face-to-face with the ball, same axis. He said, why won't you go to your home? Yeah, are you too good for your home? Are you too good for your home?

Like in homage to having to kill horrors or something. And then he dove in a pool and he swam a lap. Because I guess he's more of a swimmer. Gary Player retired and became a swimmer. So what should this guy do? Should he call it quits? Should he learn? Should he go to a golfing range?

Can you go to a driving range and figure it out? Yeah, you can go to a driving range. I would say you could try to learn. You could try to learn. You know, I've gone to a driving range once, and I was surprised with how often I whiffed. Oh, yeah. Because, like, I'm used to tennis or slightly softball,

but golf is a completely different thing. No, you'll whiff a lot. It's pretty rare in tennis to miss. You'll mishit. And even if you're good, you'll sometimes frame it and you'll be like, you just look at your racket like, damn, did I pop a string? What's up with that?

But yeah, no no on the golf you'll just straight up like because i'm lining it up but then by the time i swing back and go as hard as i can well i think you like lined it up and then you like on the backswing you like sort of raise your back a little bit so you're just above the ball yeah i mean i bet there's a correction for that you'll you spend practice right you get it golf but you spend even enough even like even jackasses like you and I if we spent if we like hit a full bucket of balls

at the driving range by the end you're more you're making contact with more than you're not. I will say that since it's golf it's not really a back and forth it's less embarrassing for you to be bad because you're not affecting their play at all. It's not like in tennis

where you're like I'm pretty bad and then you go there and you can't return a ball and it ruins the other person's game. Well, the only problem is if he's a straight up whiffer because the one time where you're kind of like,

people sort of watch when you're playing golf, especially on the tee off. Everyone's watching you tee off. You'll embarrass yourself. That's a nerve wracking situation. Yeah, especially the first one. Right.

So maybe you go to the club beforehand, get a cocktail, a little social. Get absolutely trashed. 7.45 tea time. You're on the second hole ordering a club sandwich just to soak up some of the alcohol. It's 9.14 a.m. You're on your fourth Mai Tai.

You're on a third mojito, teeth falling out. They kick you out of dental school. I would try to get a couple practice rounds in before golfing with these guys. At the very least, you'll feel a little more confident. Yeah, and I would spend close to $2,000 on equipment too. Nice clubs. A great pantsuit. Right.

You're wearing a romp hem and a glove. Two golf gloves. A huge see-through green visor. That's right. Jesper Parnevik style, lifting up and down the course. This sounds like it's a Lonely and Horny episode. You on a golf date. You have two gloves coming out of your back pocket Every time you swing they fall out

You think it's mini golf but it's a back nine Shit I just brought this Blue putter And my ball is bright orange I don't know if that's going to help me find it later You still have a caddy though Or I show up to a mini golf date And I have a caddy though. Or I show up to a mini golf day and I have a caddy.

Practice. Practice. And if you're still bad, you can back up the last second. I mean, he wants to play, so I feel like practice, just get to the point where you're passable. Maybe you'll be worse than they think you are, but you can always just be like, I told you I was really bad. That's good. I'm a beginner.

Just starting. He's young. I said I was a beginner. And you said still come. This is on fucking John. And then every time he swings, he'll... Mr. Your club sandwich? It doesn't come with fries! Rice!

Rice? I said Christ. He told me to come here. He should have mentioned the fries. Give me my wedge and I'll have a wedge. Salad. That's with fries. We don't have...

No, it's not. And we don't have a wedge salad. You can't eat salad on the course. And I'll drink an Arnold Palmer. And I'll drink an Arnold Palmer. And I'll be an Arnold Palmer. Watch this drive. Attacking the caddy. If I hit you in the tooth, you can come to us for your work done.

That's a birdie if you're scoring at home. Eagle. Eagle. Eagle. Eagle. Shout out to Eagle. Were you named after shooting two in a par? Awesome putt. That's cool. Tight.

All right. When you guys add a subtitle for that later, say subtitle that is Eagle just saying, I quit. And then we'll add in steps going down the stairs. And then we'll edit this part out. And then we'll add in the sound of an eagle squawking. He's taken his final form. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning

customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly.

Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. available it's not available yeah but how'd you like to own freaky tuesday interesting freaky tuesday so that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new just kind of like having a new personality yeah it's funny i consider myself a vision lifter which is why i recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one,

build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments you save 10% off your first purchase and

then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace uh i've been listening since the first episode segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. I've been listening since the first episode, writes Tiger Woods. Nice. Still on the golf kick. And I think I have a question you guys could help me with.

A year and a half ago, I had a really shitty situation. My girlfriend and one of my good friends kissed, and I subsequently found out some private flirting that had gone on between them. Yeah, that is bad. She came clean to me after the kiss and I was very hurt and confused, but at the time I decided to try to forgive her and we made great progress in the last nine months or so. Anyways, the friend who fucked

me over showed up to a small gathering last night and it was weird, but we had a nice time. I hadn't spoken to him in over a year and we caught up a bit. He's always been very remorseful for his actions, but I have held the grudge regardless. Now I can't decide if I'm forgiving him? It was nice to see him, but I can't imagine things being normal after all that happened. Is it cool to forgive him, or am I being kind of a pushover?

I'm very conflicted and of course self-conscious about the situation i feel like i should be tough about this but maybe that isn't me it doesn't see i mean it seems kind of like a more of a baller move to be like i don't care you know so you're not a pushover you're a cool dude right it didn't bother me yeah but at a certain point should it bother you well but the thing is he forgave his girlfriend they've made great progress i think this is like maybe a stage of that progress because like they both made the same mistake if if you can forgive the the girlfriend if you really want to forgive the girlfriend, I feel like that could easily include forgiving the guy. Is it cool to forgive in general

though? Sorry about that. Is it cool to say I accept your apology or go fuck yourself? It's definitely cooler to say I accept your, well, I accept your apology is not usually what I want to hear when I apologize. When I apologize, I want to hear like, don't even worry about

it. I accept your apology. Really? You're going to accept it? Like I did something wrong? So clearly you're not remorseful. No. It was a platitude. And you're giving me attitude. That was a pity apology. How dare you accept it? It was more of a sorry that happened type thing. Not for anything I did. Yeah, I didn't do anything wrong. Sorry you're being a little nasty boy about it. But can you

hold a grudge for your entire life? Would you do it? What would you do in this situation? I've had a friend hook up with an ex-girlfriend and he felt really bad about it. But I would love to know. It was back in college, but I sort of accepted his apology. I wasn't thoroughly mad because it's not like if he did it in the relationship, that might have been grounds for termination. I would, yeah.

But I think immediately grounds for termination. But I've also, I've been the guy that kissed the person. And? And I genuinely did feel really remorseful. It's not like, I don't know. But did you deserve to just hang out with that person again? No, I don't think I deserve it. But I think that, like, the only reason you wouldn't let that person back in

would be, like, you'll do it again. Like, if he doesn't believe... He can't trust you. You haven't gone to jail. But he did go to friendship jail. He went into exile. I feel like he served his time. The other thing is, this guy is like,

it was nice to see him. I liked it. But you're just bending to some sort of social norm, like you're supposed to hate this guy forever. But if you don't, then you don't. Your life will be better if you forgive everybody. That is better. Yeah.

And that is a stronger position to be able to, like, get over something. Yeah, you do hear about, like, forgiving my child's murderer. So, like, this is a lot lighter than that. Right. I think if somebody murdered my kid, I would not do, I wouldn't forgive them. I wouldn't, well, I at least would do the, I wouldn't do the, like, it's no big deal thing. Like, if they're like, I'm sorry, I wouldn't be like, oh, it's no big man.

Whatever, man. Shit happens, babe. Taco Tuesday. Tap, tap, tap. No, I'd probably have to be like, I forgive you. You killed my boy. What. You killed my boy. What? You killed my boy.

I was talking about hooking up with your girlfriend. Oh, sorry about that. You clearly don't have children. You're taking that lightly. I was like, no big. What? Yeah. What about instead of going to friendship jail, he's sentenced to friendship community service?

So you're like you have to pick up my dry cleaning for a month yeah so it's like that's really fucked up of you but clean my fucking house for a year i need my garage organized and you could actually do it with stacy she's been begging me to be more responsible with the house. I'm down to Marie Kondo our kitchen together. Your girlfriend, your friend, just give your home a reno. You go to take a shit, you come back, and they're humping in the garage. Great. Congratulations.

You just bought yourself two more years of cleaning up my shit. Oh, and guess what? You got to teach me golf. Yeah. Another one for Tiger. All right. So there's that option. But you think we eventually apologize for that discretion?

Yeah. I think I feel like you don't have to, like, talk yourself out of forgiving him if you want to. Yeah. That's what I would say. Uh, okay. Last question. Uh,

this is from a lady, so we'll call her Annika Sorenstam, famed female golfer, Michelle Wee. Yes. Uh, I've been listening to your podcast to make my work days go by faster, and I was hoping you guys give me some advice.

This summer, I have a great thing going on with a friend of mine. We both have boring summer co-ops and text almost constantly to dull the pain. We aren't currently in the same city, and I drive an hour to spend the weekends with him when I can. We recently discovered that we have compatible kinks, and it's amazing. Compatible? Compatible kinks. I was thinking of—

It's like they both like to be tied up. But then they can't fuck because they're both tied up. I'm just kidding. That's fine. Like, imagine that. Yeah, that's good. Imagine. They get robbed.

I was thinking of talking to him to sort of define our relationship because I want this to be an exclusive thing. However, I'm afraid this relationship works so well because I have nothing else to do this summer. There's a good chance that I will no longer want to be with him romantically when the school year starts. I get busy, we're in the same city again. Is it worth making an official relationship

to only possibly dump him in two months, or keep it vague so the ending can be vague as well? Keeping myself occupied, Michelle Wee. Give me an old person name like Rosemary or Lorraine. So let's do that now. What do you mean? She wants her fake name to be Rosemary or Lorraine.

She's 21 years old. Got it. Do you have to define the end of a relationship? It seems like most relationships end after two months anyway. Right. It's also weird though that she's down to text somebody all day be in a long distance relationship and then when it's finally going to be convenient she's like that's when we'll break up.

Yeah. When we live in the same city we really shouldn't be together. She's afraid this relationship works because they have nothing else to do this summer. And it won't work when they can see each other? That's right. Because they'll have other else to do this summer. And it won't work when they can see each other? That's right. Because they'll have other shit to do. It sounds like she's only half-heartedly

into this idea of a relationship. But even when you have other shit to do, you'll still have the same kinks and it'll be still good to do that. Yeah. I guess my advice would be not to define the end of the relationship before it starts. Yeah. You don't have to say, let's end of the relationship before it starts. Yeah.

You don't have to say, like, let's just do this for a few months. Right. That's there. I guess there's there's there's never any definition of a relationship. Like, even it's weird to be like, oh, this is going well, so we'll do it forever. Yeah. It's always just going good enough until it's not going good enough anymore. And then one of you dies.

Right. Ideally of you dies. Right. Ideally of old age. Yeah. But could be. Young age. Young age. That's. You could have a meatus infection and go down swinging.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Fuck. Sucks. What's wrong with you, Erwitz? They don't listen to the podcast. They definitely aren't

Patreon subscribers. Shit. How many people that are on our Patreon know? Do you email them? No. I don't email the people

that we answer on a regular podcast either. Well, those you would assume that they could just hear it because they'll listen. Eventually, yeah. But yeah, Patreon. We should email them.

And say, by the way, if you want the answer to this question, pony up. Yeah, you owe us cash. Actually, Venmo me $10 and I'll tell you what I said. That's perfect. Actually, I read your,

you have like an auto response on our If I Were You at Gmail email. Yeah. And it's just like, Venmo me $10, which is kind of petty, I think. I'm going through some rough shit, and I'll explain as soon as possible, but I could really use $10. All right. Let's explain when the cameras are off after the episode, so we'll just give this guy advice for now. And then I set up a GoFundMe for me that's like, trust me,

I don't want to get into the details of what the fuck's going on with me, but it's not good. Yeah, that's great. If you want to set up, I want to be like happy. You kind of really, I feel like people aren't going to want to give to it

if you're like, shit's really bad. I don't want to talk about it, but just give me cash and you're doing a shocker. They won't believe that shit's bad. And then in two years, I'll be like, it was a fucking staph infection. Later, haters. Drive your Ferrari into a tree. I'm paralyzed from the neck down and I really need support.

I actually need it. That's the name of the GoFundMe. Begging a nurse to position your hand into a shocker for a photo. Super thin fingers. It's two for the pink and one for the stink. I deserve this. All right. That's it.

That's our time. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. Thanks for subscribing. We appreciate it. We'll be back, as always, next week with more questions, more answers. Perhaps a Jake and Amir. Watch Jake and Amir somewhere in there.

Ooh. And, yeah, see you guys soon. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I would do if only I were you. Shark.com That was a Hiddem original.