Segments - Bonus: New Catchphrase (2019)

Episode Date: October 9, 2023

In this episode we discuss rock climbing, surveillance cameras, and our newest CAT-phrase.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. What is this, a new If I Were You podcast? Well, kind of. These are episodes that were living behind our Patreon for the last five years, and we figured, why not release some of the best ones onto this feed to reward those of you that never gave up, that never unsubscribed. So please enjoy this classic episode of If I Were You, recorded I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If only I were you.

Shark.com Bingo, bango. Welcome to the show, folks. Let's try one with a different catchphrase. You're trying to what? Do a catchphrase at the top. Like every show that's good has like a thing. Okay, well, we have a show that's bad now because of your catchphrase.

Bingo. Bango. All right. Check this one out. Okay. It's about to get wet in here. You're listening. Why?

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right right give me one more let's get come dry no no let's get cut it's getting gross let me do one you're you're overthinking it just think about what would work on a t-shirt right are you sissy fuckers let's walk the plank together

that's the shirt argue sissy fuckers. Which is, you know, offensive. You said, like, cum dropping or something. Cum drunk. Cum drunk? Yeah. I don't want to do... Okay, I'll do one more. Pirates are pretty hacky, too. I don't want to do...

I don't want to do a pirate thing. Try to do, like, three words, boom, big black letters on a shirt. We can sell it. I want to fuck your butt. So it's like a gay Dracula. That's a gay. You can have anal sex with somebody that's the opposite sex too. All right.

So it's anal Dracula. Anal Dracula. No vampires, no pirates. Just be you. What would you say? Ready? Yeah. Seamen shower time!

That's almost as bad as what you got mad at me for. Well, that's because it's not what's on my head. You do one. Fucking up. I can't think of any. You go back. Alright. Christ.

Who's ready for rice? Why? Why? It's like an owl that likes... It's like a non-offensive, sort of a warm little help. You know when you get a stomach ache? Who's ready for rice? That doesn't get people amped to listen to a podcast. All right.

One more for you. Okay. Hey, I'm your mother. You've been a naughty boy. The hell is that? I don't know. I was just, like, trying to think of, like, positive things that were, like, nice. Like an old British grandmother looking to spank you?

You were like looking at me like I'm a fucking psycho. So I was like, I'll see something else. That was in you. That was in your brain and it came out. I don't know. I'm sorry. Spank you? I didn't say spank you.

What did you say? You've been a naughty boy. Yeah, that's... I thought it was interesting. All right, give me one more. Okay, go ahead. You never sign if you don't grow.

It's just like a song, like the middle of a song. It's like the second line in a verse of an old, bad song. Alright, you give me one more, but then we really have to just lock one down and move on. Well, I don't want to just, like, I'll only give you one more, but if it's not perfect, we should, like, really

workshop this. But I think I have something. Because it can't be just a song, it has to be original. Sorry. What? I'm just saying it can't be, like, biting off a Smash Mouth song. Yeah, we got it. Okay. Meow! Meow! You want any rice? What the fuck was that? What was that?

It's doing like a cat, like a kitten Like having a mascot That's kind of original Okay, I don't hate the mascot But let me workshop it Okay, if you hate the mascot, but let me workshop it. Okay. If you like, yeah, if you like the mascot. Hey meow, you're a rice star. I like, I do.

I feel like we're getting somewhere. We're like close to cracking this. Cause, cause now it's like a little bit of a parody. Like, hey meow, you're a rice star. So it's like a little bit of a parody. Like, hey, meow, you're a rice star. So it's like a cat. Smash mouth. And then also a callback to all the rice stuff. Right, which I think landed.

The rice stuff worked, just not in the way that I was doing it. I think it's good. I just think it needs a little bit more. Okay. I think I got it. All right. Here we go. Ready? Hey, Mew.

You're a rice star? Get your rice. Get rice. What'd you change? I didn't change anything. I left the... You just extended it. I extended it because I thought it was perfect.

So now it's a cat saying, Hey, meow. You're a rice star. Get your... Rice on. Meow. Rice. Okay.

I just have one little thing, and then I think we're good. Ready? Yeah. Meow. Hey, meow. You're a rice star. Get your grr. Get meow rice.

Nice. So you, I could see that you added like a little bit of a cat pirate thing. Yeah, I borrowed the pirate thing, which I thought we dug. Meow, matey. Yeah, so it's a cat pirate. Yeah. And it's, hey meow, you're a cat star. Get your rice.

Meow rice. Okay, sweet. So now we can just use that. Yeah, maybe we use that. Do you want to do any cum stuff with that? That's a good question. Because I know that was sort of the theme for a little bit, if we wanted to do any. We can leave Let's Get Cum Drunk for the way end.

Okay. As like the cat mascot comes back and it's like, meow, want to get a cum drunk? That's good. Exactly. All right, cool. All right, so let's just start from the top. Okay.

And we can both do it at the same time, so it's like. Yeah. If I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If only I were you. Shark.com. Meow. Hey, meow. You're a rice star. Meow.

Meow, rice. Meow, rice. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Yeah. Let us know what you think about the catchphrase situation. For such a long time that I would be surprised if anyone had notes.

Or maybe they would have like, I like it, but, or like, this is good, but maybe. I don't want to hear any notes. If you have feedback, I'm down to notes. If you have feedback, I'm down to listen. If you have positive feedback... We can just say feedback, and then it'll probably be positive. If you have feedback, sound off in the comment section.

Make sure it's positive. Make sure it's nice and supportive. I just don't want any... Tweaks. Yeah. Even a minor adjustment. Even a suggestion would really rub me the wrong way, because I feel like you don't fine-tune something and then have somebody be like, oh, that was a little off.

Yeah. Because, yeah. If something's a masterpiece, you don't want like a moron to be like, actually, why don't, like, I can try to. The Sistine Chapel, the Sistine Chapel's great. I just have one note. The fingers should actually be touching. Yeah. Who are you? Why?

And why are you talking to us? Oh, the Mona Lisa. I really like it. Beethoven's Fifth is perfect except for one little thing. Yeah, can we make her not smile? That'll be different. Wouldn't be better. Yeah. So this is an advice show, basically. We're two pretty smart guys, and we're in charge of

telling people how it is, what to do, and what to say. Meow. Exactly. So these are questions that we received. As always, real questions, real people. We usually just do this as an audio-only podcast, but because we want it to get a little spicy. Yeah. You're paying for the cat shit. Then you're going to be getting a bonus video ad-free Thursday episode every week

on this Patreon. Yeah. There's also an audio version of this. I like that. Yeah. I actually really like that. Yeah. So this question is from a dude who's a little scared.

Scared. What can we call this scared guy? Shaggy. Shaggy. Zoinks. Hey, Scoob. Whatgy. Shaggy. Zoinks. Hey, Scoob. What do you think? Enough.

Zoinks. Scoob? Oh, Scoob. Great. Wow. The cat stuff is good enough. You don't have to like zoinks it up. Everything doesn't have to be a voice.

I was doing, this is so unrelated to the cats. I was just doing a Shaggy impression because they said Shaggy, that's all. That's funny. It wasn't me. Another Shaggy impression. Forget it. Anyway. What would Shaggy

from Scooby-Doo sound like if he sang that song? It wasn't me, Scoob! That's good. Zoinks! That's nice. Here. Let me get that real quick. That's good. Zoinks. That's nice. Here. Let me get that real quick. That's a switchblade. My girlfriend and I have been going out for a couple years, writes Shaggy.

Okay. She lives at home and so do I, and it will stay that way for the foreseeable future. Recently, my girlfriend's family bought a house and I helped them move in and build the furniture and all that. Wow. Anyway, things were going pretty well until they decided to get home security. Today, I went over there

and her dad installed a motion-detecting camera on the front door, which records every time someone enters or leaves. Okay. To make matters worse, he installed a camera inside their kitchen, which can see the entire room and possibly records audio. He can view footage from the camera on his phone.

And this evening, he texted my girlfriend when he saw me filling up a glass of water from a fridge while he was at work. I don't feel comfortable in this new house, and I feel paranoid that I'm always being watched or listened to. He said the light on the camera is green when someone is watching, but it was

green the entire time I was there. How can I continue to seize the cheese without being caught by this mousetrap man? Have you ever heard of someone putting a camera inside the house? What's the point? I guess to do exactly what he did. Yeah.

To stop someone from fucking his daughter? You rarely hear about the inward pointing ring. You want to see the intruders, but once they're in the house, they sort of have fart blanch access to every room. There are cameras that are inside the house. Like nanny cams. Yeah, nanny cams for pets and stuff. Those definitely exist. So this guy. Yeah, it's so unsettling. I don't like it either. Yeah, nanny cams for pets and stuff. Those definitely exist. So this guy...

Yeah, it's so unsettling. I don't like it either. Yeah, but what could you do? I mean, you can't do anything. This is his house. You built the furniture, though. Which was a detail that he only threw in, I guess, just to brag a little bit, right? There wasn't really a point.

I helped him build the furniture. There should be enough cameras and stuff with all the angles, but with a blind spot, this cone in the middle of the room that he can sort of do whatever he wants in. Right. That's off camera. He probably can sneak in past this camera, but the risk is, like, once you have one camera, you're like, I don't know where the other ones are. Yeah. Like, this place is probably bugged. Did you ever sneak?

Like, do that in high school? Like, the sneaking? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Probably bugged. Did you ever sneak? Like do that in high school? Like the sneaking? Oh, yeah. Is that because it was like a school night and you weren't supposed to be there? Or like you weren't supposed to be there at all regardless of the time of day? I guess it was like I did the sneaking like it's the middle of the night. I'm having friends sleep over. Somebody else is having friends sleep over.

Let's all sneak together and like we'll hang out and people will hook up. Oh, I see. Or I guess I would like sneak over to a girl's house every once in a while too. But would that be completely? Sneaking out and meeting up. That was what I would do in the middle of the night on the weekends. Middle of the night? Like what time was it?

It was like 1 or 2 a.m. Jesus, that's really late. I mean not when you're a kid. Like you sneak out at 2. What do you go back to your mom's house at, like, 6 in the morning? Yeah, like, as the sun's coming up, like, 5, 5.30. And then, like, they're like, hey, why are you fucking dead tired until 2 in the afternoon? Or are they not waking you up?

I feel like you sleep, when you have a sleepover, you probably sleep until, like, 11 or noon. Then you wake up and you're kind of tired, but you're a teenager, so you're always a little tired and cranky. Do you think your parents knew that you were sneaking out? Yeah, I got caught a couple times. I don't think they ever knew. But with cameras... Yeah, would this change the game? Would they just like, yeah, I see, yeah, there's a motion

alarm at 3, 5, and 7 a.m.? Yeah, like, my parents just, like, if I snuck out, they didn't even really... They would be like, hey, you, like like snuck out of the house last night. I'd be like, no, I didn't. And there were there were times when they're like, you snuck out of the house. And I said I didn't. And I actually didn't.

So they would bluff sometimes. Yeah, if like and sometimes if like some they just woke up in the middle of the night. They're like, I think Jake maybe snuck out or maybe that was the cat. But like a camera is really it, the proof's in the pudding. Yeah. They have video evidence of you. You never did that, huh? No. You didn't sneak around.

God, no. I would be home. Curfew, of course. Not too late. Did you have a curfew? Not officially, but I would probably always be home around midnight or one. Yeah. At the latest. Otherwise my mom would be worried sick of me. They're not just sleeping while I'm out and about. They're waiting up. Do they wait up? My parents were fast asleep when I got home. Always. They were asleep but then like by the time

I got upstairs it would be like awake, half asleep. Asking you. Where were you? Right. Etc. My parents had too many kids to give a shit. Yeah when you have six kids, one of them sneaking out. Yeah, all the time.

It's almost good for business. Yeah, it's great. I had a lot of cover. You want to weed out, like, it's almost like Darwinian. Like, if one of them goes bye-bye forever, that's the one that shouldn't be part of the clan. Jesus. I guess that's why they gave me such a long leash. They were always hoping I wasn't going to come home.

You can sneak out forever. Yeah. We'll just lock the door behind you. That'll save Dad and I a lot of cash, actually. Can you take literally any one of your siblings? Four is a lot still left over. Ideal, really. So what can this guy do? He can't do anything, right?

You have the girlfriend to your house. I mean, you can say, like, the camera makes me uncomfortable. I'm not going to come over anymore. And the dad will probably be, like, good riddance to you. Yeah, because why would it make you uncomfortable if you weren't doing anything bad? Right. Like, it's his house. It's his camera.

He's going to watch it whenever he wants. You'll be seen drinking water in the living room. That's just the new reality, sadly. Constantly staring at you, big brother. But maybe you can make him feel guilty enough that he gets rid of the camera. Or maybe he'll get bored with the camera. If you stop going over, he'll be like,

oh, we don't really need this camera. That's cool. Whatever this guy's name was, stopped coming around so much. Shaggy. He's not around. Maybe Mission Impossible, cover the cameras when you walk in, like you're casing the joint.

Or Speed Style, replace the video. Oh, a video on on a loop so you're fucking the daughter in the living room but all he sees is you getting water every 20 minutes of the living room and then just really then you sneak in behind the camera put down the photo of the living room hopefully hopefully it's just watching yeah it just looks if he's not watching in that second, because he hasn't seen you, like, come in on the porch. That's right. Okay, yeah, so here's what you do. You go to the porch. You get an iPad. Ring the doorbell.

Yeah. No one's home. So you leave. And then he's like, oh, okay, so-and-so, Shaggy stopped by. Yeah. Now he's gone. Then you sneak in the back. Okay.

Photo of the living room. Because now he's seen you arrive and leave. He's not expecting you to be there. Then you and your girlfriend have sex. Then you remove the photo of the living room. Stick your tongue out. Dad told me the entire time. Yeah, I'm reading a newspaper.

I saw all that. You had sex on top of me. There's a really, it's a black and white photo, by the way. My cameras are in color. This is a, it's a living room from Bob's Discount Furniture. Of course I would know. It's just a showroom. It says the price of the couch in the corner.

I'm calling 911. Of course. I'm breaking and entering. All right, so the most you could do is say, I'm uncomfortable, but you can't do anything about it. Ultimately, this is their house, their rules. Correct. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience.

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one,

first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah, it's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. All right. This is a question from a rock climbing dude. Ooh. Should we call him Honnold? That's cool.

Did you ever watch that movie, Free Solo? I've seen it. Yes. Of course. I know you're a little late to the game. Was it as good as people say? You didn't see it? No.

Wow. You would love it. I watched the first half on my iWatch. You would love it. When I was on a plane and it was sort of boring to me. Jesus Christ. We should watch it together. I'll come over tonight.

You don't have to. No, I'll sleep over. It'll be plane and it was sort of boring to me. Jesus Christ. We should watch it together. I'll come over tonight. You don't have to. No, I'll sleep over. It'll be nice. You just need a place to sleep. I don't even have to watch the movie. If you don't want to watch the movie, if that's what's not letting you have me sleep over, I don't care about the film. I've never seen it either.

No, you don't care. I just need to crash. You need a house. Yeah. Yeah. I installed a security camera. I'll know if you're breaking into the house. I've been there for a week and a half, so you know that, right?

There's a dummy office that you've been sleeping in. All right. Honnold writes, I'm a 20-year-old male in the States. I've been rock climbing for six years, and I love the sport. That's quite an unusual problem regarding my climbing buddy. About three or four years ago when I was a junior in high school, one of my friends introduced me to his girlfriend, who was also big into rock climbing, saying that we should climb together so that neither of us would go alone. We did this and we grew to be good friends for three years. Almost

whenever we were both in town, we would go climbing together and everything was great. It wasn't anything of a romantic or sexual relationship, purely platonic. We grew to be great friends, but this is where it gets shifty. When my climbing partner went away to college, she came back with a 27-year-old boyfriend. Now I'm all here for her finding a good relationship because she's a good friend and I want her to be happy. The problem is he's super controlling. He won't let her go climbing with me anymore unless he comes with. He even DM'd me on Instagram a few weeks back saying I should stop talking to her, that she doesn't want to climb

with me anymore, and this was all her decision. Obviously, none of this is true, and upon confronting her about it, she just kind of dodged the problem, saying, yeah, I know, I'm trying to get him to understand, but he just won't. I even agreed to meet him in person after all this mess in hopes that he would just see me like an innocent friend trying to get shredded at climbing. But today I got another text from her saying that we can't climb together unless he's there too. What do I do? This is insane, right? That is insane.

Why is she protecting him? But it's also like there's I feel like him getting involved is just heightening the insanity for it also like you kind of have to just be like if that's your shit then that's going to be your shit and i'm not going to deal with it at all right like it almost like but he's a good friend right so you just want to just like all all right, good luck with this crazy person. Right. But I think, I feel like you just have, you have to have like a serious exit interview. You can't, you can't like stay in there and try to break them up because then it becomes

like a self-fulfilling prophecy or something. Oh, that's good. Because he's like, see, now he's like saying we shouldn't be together because I'm crazy. Right. He's the crazy one. It doesn't help that you're probably fucking ripped starting climbing 16 yeah this guy's 280 pounds soft and pale i'll go climbing with your asses how hard can it be breaks the wall i hurt my calf i feel like all you can do is just be like that's insane.

If he has to be there chaperoning or climbing, I don't want to climb with you. Ask any of your friends if this is normal. And if they agree with you, then more power to them. But I have nothing to do with it. Yeah, it has to be like a third-party arbiter being like, this is not just me saying it's crazy. You can ask any one of your friends. They'll all agree with me I swear and they will everybody will agree with you

that you as a 20 something he's only 20 this guy is 27 yeah so if you're 20 you do not need a 27 year old chaperone to hang out with your friends you never should be in a relationship where the other person is so

controlling that they're convinced you will cheat on them as soon as you're left alone with someone of the opposite sex. That's just not a place where you should be. But if you have a friend that is with somebody like that, it's like all you can do is say something before you leave, but then leave. Cause then like, maybe that person will say like, Oh, I've seen, I see all of my relationships have, uh, deteriorated. And I think that's because of this one guy. Yeah. Like breaking up with a boyfriend has to be something that she decides to do. It can't be something that you decide to do for her. Hopefully this seems like a type of relationship that isn't long for this world. Yeah. I mean, it's...

I can see the stress fractures on it already. This guy's not going to be able to go to every single climbing engagement, can he? Let alone every other engagement. Because climbing is just the tip of the iceberg. Right. Soon he'll be like, wait, you're going to class? There's 400 dudes there.

Did you get that coffee at a Starbucks? Well, was the barista a guy? Yeah. And was there a guy in the parking lot at Starbucks? Probably. I didn't know. Okay, so you cheated on me, babe. So we should break up?

No, I just have to come with you and be with you all the time so it doesn't happen again. I got to dig my heels in deeper. Deeper still. Can we get a baby Bjorn that's adult male size for you to wear, for me to be on? Put this ring camera on your chest. That way it's a motion alarm for anybody that walks up to you. This one facing out, this one facing in. Just in case a guy's inside you.

Alright. Two guys, both controlling, both jealous. One's a father, more forgivable. One's a creepy boyfriend. You don't want to hang around that. Right. And the first boyfriend is normal, we should say.

He is not creepy. The second one is a creepy boyfriend. Then we agree. Yeah. The second one is the creepy boyfriend. Then we agree. Yeah. All right, cool. All right, sweet. Thank you guys so much for watching. What was the end catchphrase

that we wanted to just sort of put in occasionally? Oh, it was like the... The come drunk. It was like the come drunk. But as a cat, right? Meow. All right.

So it's just like, meow, let's get come drunk. Like, all right, how much time do we have left? Oh. Meow, let's get come drunk. Like, all right, how much time do we have left? Oh. Meow, let's get cum drunk. Oh, I guess that's it. Now we're out of time.

Thank you guys so much for watching. New If I Were You's every Monday on our podcast feed. New bonus video Thursday episodes every week on our Patreon. Thank you for your support. Let us know what you think about the catchphrase. As long as it's positive. Yeah, as long as it's positive. Catch.

With a capital. Yeah, C-A-T. Maybe we can sell like aprons or some sort of merch around it. Or like, yeah, like a pocket tee with a little cat inside. Yeah, and then on the pocket it would say, Meow, let's get cum drunk. Yar! That's really good. Nice.

See you next week, everybody. If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I would do.

If only I were you. Shark.com. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this?

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