Segments - Bonus: Pranks (w/Geoffrey James!) 2018

Episode Date: July 17, 2023

Resident Dumbass Geoffrey James is in the studio to play an ice breaker, read a fan script, and discuss epic pranks. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662.

Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. What is this? A new If I Were You podcast? Well, kind of. These are episodes that were living behind our Patreon for the last five years,

and we figured, why not release some of the best ones onto this feed to reward those of you that never gave up, that never unsubscribed. So please enjoy this classic episode of If I Were You, recorded at our old studio in 2018. That's nice. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I would do. If only I were you.

Shark.com. We were all dancing. Yeah, we're all having a... If only I were you song. It's a fine song. I just learned about Motown. And that made you angry at all other music? Yeah, because you know what? I don't know if you've taken a look at the Motown catalog. No. Huh? I haven't. Do. Because for me, it's a treasure trove of funk

and R&B. So why are you sour? You discovered Motown. Yeah, but to hear that garbage. It's just different. It's not better or worse than Motown. You're so bad if you discover music that you like and it makes you angry. Your eyebrows. Well, I'm not

I'm upset. Yeah. And it, make a, sorry, make a Motown theme song. Then I'll smile. So for the next half hour or so you're gonna be sour until we come up with a Motown theme song. Theme song. Okay.

How about, ooh bop, if I were you bop, yeah, if I were you, it starts right now. How do you think that's good? Why are you smiling? Like that was perfect Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Motown. Why are you smiling? Like that was perfect Motown. Motown holiday you. I rock on baby mother till I have a question and I answer the email for now.

It sounds like you like old hip hop, not Motown. Would you say that's safe to say? If that put him in a good mood for some reason, let's roll with it. Alright, fine. Starting now, we're having a good time. I reason, let's roll with it. All right, fine. Starting now, we're having a good time. I thought it would be fun to play an icebreaker game to get us warmed up, get us into the spirit.

It's kind of like that word association game we played that one time. Yeah. Except this time it'll be, I'm going to say one, two, three, and then we all say either the number one or the number two. If we all say the same number, we're on the same page. Wow. All right, ready? This is an icebreaker? This is an icebreaker. So we all say the same number, we're on the same page. Wow. All right, ready? Yeah. This is an icebreaker? This is an icebreaker. So we get to know each other.

Ready? This is a different kind of, yeah. One, two, three, one. One, two, three, two. Oh, are you up playing? Oh, keep going until we're all the same. I like being on the same page as Jeff. Okay.

One, two, three, one. One, two, three, two. One, two, three, two. One, two, three, two. One, two, three, two. One, two, three, two. One, two, three, two. One. One, two, three, two. All right, we got there.

We gave the system. We like tried. I tried to cheat. And I was just like going to fucking. Yeah, I was going to steamroll two until you guys were like. Whoever's the most stubborn. All right, now let's play. We can say one, two, or three.

Okay. Okay. And I won't be stubborn. I'm going to be fucking freewheeling this stubborn. All right, now let's play. We can say one, two, or three. Okay. Okay, and I won't be stubborn. I'm going to be fucking freewheeling this time. All right, ready? One, two, three, two. One, two, three, one. One, two, three, three. One, two, three, one.

One, two, three, one. One, two, three, three. One, two, three, three. One, two. We haven't hit it yet. At random, you're supposed to get this like once in every nine. One, two, three, three, one, two, three, three, one, two, three, one, one, two, three, two. Oh, we got it.

Me and Jeffrey have said the same one for like nine times in a row. I'm not going to fucking play the game, man. I'm not going to say three just because you guys have established we're going for three. We got to get it right by chance. That's the magic. That's the sauce. It's such a thin premise for a game. It's just a rule.

It's such a bad game, but I'm having the most fun I've had today. One, two, three, two. One, two, three, three. I'm not playing anymore. I don't want to do it. How about 1 through 10? Let's try to really get it this time. We could say any number 1 through 10. 1, 2, 3, 7.

1, 2, 3, 8. 1, 2, 3, 8. We cheat. If we had a strategy, we could get it in 3. We did. Now we've gained the system. Now that we had a strategy, we could get it in three. Yeah. We did. Yeah. Now we've gained the system.

All right. Now that we have the strategy set, sort of implicitly, just through strategy and mind games, we can, in theory, do it with any number. So we're going to do one, two, three, then any number. But knowing what we've learned in the micro versions of the game. Okay, ready? One, two, three, two. One, two, three, ready? One, two, three, eight. One, two, three, two. One, two, three, two.

You son of a bitch. So for you, the strategy was... Yeah, but for you, it was establishing eight. You got off on being the leader of the game. I think you could always get there in three because you go one... If you had said eight, I would have switched. Actually, we could all get there in two because we should all follow you. That could be the game. I think you can always get there in three because like you you go one if you had said eight I would have switched.

Actually we can all get there in two because we should all follow you. That could be the strategy. Well I thought I thought the strategy was if there's two of us that said something

the next time the person who didn't say it said it because we both said eight and I thought you were going to join us at eight. But then I joined them at two. I felt like Amir was going to join me at two

because we made eyes and then once we both said two I would feel like you would feel the tide shifting and meet us at two. In my head, if I was like, don't say two, because then they're going to both be eight. The closest you got was saying three,

which is like the most you're willing to accommodate us. Also, we just missed Thanksgiving. Oh, shit. Canadian Thanksgiving, so that's fine. But still. All right, now that we're here, now that we're warmed up, now that we're about seven minutes deep, we can finally start the show.

This is If I Were You, an advice podcast, the bonus Patreon Thursday edition. It's a video. It's an audio. It's ad-free. Unless you want something, just go for a sponsor right now. Yo-Yo House. Yo, man.

Whoa. A co-working space for the Rhodes slash ages. And your boy's the newest member. Slash Rhodes scholar. Which I am not, but I aspire to. To be. Or not. To be.

To. One, two, three. Be. All right, here's the question. It's coming from a dude's. Let's give him a dude's name. Jeffrey, what do you got? Tracer.

Last name? Gond. Tracer Gond. I am Tracer Gond. Tracer Gond is Gond. You should have Anthony on the podcast. Oh, that'd be good. Hey, guys, I'm Anthony.

Oh, I hate when you do an Anthony impression. You'll never be Anthony. Hey, guys, Tracer here. I have a slight problem you do an Anthony impression. You'll never be Anthony. Hey, guys, Tracer here. I have a slight problem, and I figured you two might be able to help me out. In December of 2016, my family and I went out of town, and we paid my best friend to watch our dog while we were gone. I thought I could trust him to come into my house and let my dog out, make sure she had water, and feed her.

Unfortunately, when I came home, nearly everything in my room and my basement was covered in plastic wrap. Now, I'll admit it was a pretty good prank because it took a while to unwrap everything, but it felt like I was taken advantage of. He let himself and our other friends into my house to pull this prank. They were in my

bedroom. It felt like a complete invasion of my trust, and I was extremely mad. Anyway, we're going out of town again and my mom wants to hire my best friend to watch our dog again. Should I tell my mom that my friend shouldn't be allowed to watch the dog? Or just let him do it again and

hope he learned his lesson. Thanks guys. Keep up the great work. Learned the lesson by pulling an awesome prank? That's right. That's the lesson he learned. That he got away with the prank and still got the dog watching job. He learned no lesson. This is the absence of a lesson. That's the lesson he learned, that he got away with the prank and still got the dog-watching job. He learned no lesson. He was rewarded. This is the absence of a lesson. Maybe he felt bad. He got it

out of his system. Well, he was paid for the job, which was just a prank. That's right. And now he got a second job. So you get it. And an opportunity for another prank. And an opportunity attack. That's right. Would you let somebody who's pranked you before back into your life slash house?

Have you ever been pranked as thus? Have you ever been the victim of one of those classic post-it notes everywhere, plastic-wrapped everything? Didn't we do – we pulled a prank on – oh, wait. Was it Jeff Rubin at the old college humor office where we filled all of the water cups on his desk? Yeah. Or was it Josh? Josh? Josh? Busted Tease Josh.

Maybe. Was it? I don't know who we pulled that prank on, but we put all of the, like, hundreds of cups of water. Like, filled to the brim. Filled to the brim on his desk. He couldn't move it slash get rid of it quickly. We wrapped Ricky's desk in tinfoil one time.

Yeah, and every item on his desk in tinfoil. I think one of the best ones that we did was on Kunal where we, after he left, we disassembled his desk and then flipped it upside down and reassembled it

and like installed his computer, all of his monitors. We just recreated his exact desk but it was upside down. Wow, I don't remember that at all.

So to get it back he had to like take everything apart. Wasn't there something like on the roof or something? Or am I making that up? Like a desk stapled or taped or something to the roof or a chair on the roof. A desk taped to the roof?

There was a chair on the roof, I think. Yeah, or am I just thinking of a famous picture from 2003? Maybe, yeah. They all run together. Pranks we pulled are the ones we just posted about. They're all my memories, so they're all good. Do you remember the time I played baseball in the World Series? Oh, no, I'm thinking of a different baseball highlight that I watched as a kid once.

I just assumed it happened to me. Jeffrey seems too mature to have pulled pranks like that. What about you? Have you? No. Have you ever been the victim of a prank? Well, prank or, like, surprise birthday? Surprise birthday.

Yes. Wait. That's the opposite of a prank. The biggest prank of all. Joy. Yeah. I don't like surprise parties. Has anybody ever had a surprise party and gotten mad because they felt like they had

been pranked? Yeah, Jeff sounds like he doesn't like surprise parties. So you walked in, they were like, surprise, and you were like, you tricked me. I've been duped. Yeah, well, I mean, I thought I was coming home to an empty house, and there's a full spread, a cake that tastes fine, a beer that I enjoy. Yes. When I thought I would just kind of be watching TV in my room. So isn't that a party with fine cake and a beer that you like better?

And your friends and a spread, you said? It was a peasant surprise. Nice. I don't think I've been pranked. You're pranking us by hiring you. Punch him. So would you let him do it again? Or would you tell your mother, oh, mother, don't let him come in here again?

I would tell mommy. Or would you act like it's no big deal? Did she not see the basement? I'm wondering why the mom doesn't care or the mom doesn't know. Maybe they only saran wrapped his shit. They only messed up his stuff. They will prank you again.

They will do that again. Here's a good prank story. I once with a friend of mine, we slept over at a friend's house then he left the next day for whatever reason, a doctor's appointment. So we moved all the furniture in the house

one inch to the right or left or something like that. Not a prank. So it was a little off. And then the mom came home and blamed his little sister's friend because I guess

she's like fucked up in some way and ended up banning the sister's friend from the house. That's really messed up. You moved every piece of furniture an inch to the left? That's right.

Okay. And she noticed and blamed a little girl. But to us, we were 12-year-old boys. We thought we had gotten away with it. That was the ultimate prank. Yeah, that a girl had gotten blamed. Two pranks for the price of fun, basically. Yeah.

Yeah. That's the smallest prank. What other pranks have you done? For the price of fun, basically. Yeah. Yeah. That's the smallest prank. What other pranks have you done? Pranks are just, they're all mean. I slashed a bus's tire. It's like singling someone out to have a bad time when everybody else has a good time. Yeah. Slashing a tire is a crime.

Did you say you slashed a tire? No, I said I moved a chair. No, you said you slashed a bus tire. Yeah. Oh, yeah. A school bus or? Yes. That's destruction of property. It's endangering children. That's true. It was while

they were on the freeway. Don't say that's true. You know it's true. You're like Anthony Hopkins in Speed. That's not a prank. He put a bomb on a bus. He stole money from a bank. So there's a bomb on a bus. That's not a prank. These are crimes. These are atrocities. What's the difference? Committed against Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.

In a documentary about the movie Speed. So would you let this guy in your house? What? Is Anthony Hopkins dead, ass? Come on, man. He's not in Speed. He's not in Speed. He's not in Speed?

He's in Shaft. No. Oh, wait. It's Dennis Hopkins. Dennis Hopkins is dead. Dennis Hopkins is dead. Who's Anthony Hopkins. Dennis Hopkins is dead. Dennis Hopkins is dead. Who's Anthony Hopkins? Anthony Hopkins is Hannibal Lecter.

And he's very much so alive. He was really good. Yes. In Shaft. Anthony Hopkins. Dennis Hopkins is great, too. No, it's Dennis Hopper. Dennis Hopper is great, too.

Dennis Hopkins is a guy that I grew up with. Dennis Haskins is Mr. Belding. Is that who you're thinking of? I think he was the bad guy in Speed. You're thinking of Andrew Rannells. That's what it is. Who's the one with the amazing voice and great hair? Dennis Hopkins.

Hopper. Mario Lopez. My girlfriend's boss dated Mark Hoppus in the 90s. Awesome. I forget which Blink song it is, but it's written about her. Whoa. Not Josie. Yeah. No. I think it is, but it's written about her. Whoa. Yeah. Not Josie. Yeah.

No. I think it is. Call her now. This is insane. What does Josie do now? She works at a label. Why am I sitting here talking to you when I know the real Josie now? You're meaningless.

Do you think we can get Hoppus on our podcast? No. Why? Doesn't he have a podcast? If Josie asks, I feel like he'd have to. I could interview Hoppus about Josie all day. Okay, what would you ask? First question. What happened? What happened when?

I would say, Mark, let me ask you about Josie. And he would get a little uncomfortable. But he'd have to settle in because we're here. And I'd say, what happened there? And I would say it kind of like that cool and cool, what happened there? That's cool. And that sort of like would allow him to be like, oh, this is a safe space.

Jake actually wants to know. And then he'd tell me. And then I don't know what would happen from there. But something he would say would make me curious about another thing. Yeah, we know how interviews work. And I would be like, ask a follow-up question. I'd also employ... No, that's enough.

I would employ a tactic wherein I wouldn't respond. Like, he would say something that he would feel like it's the end of a story. Like, I would say, what happened there? And he would be like,

we went our separate ways. Yeah. And then you'd think that I would, like, smooth it over. Be like, okay, let's talk about damage. Which is what you should do. No, but I would just...

You would stare. That's bad. And then he sort of gets uncomfortable again. Yeah, uncomfortable. That's what I was going to say. And then he'd tell me more about Josie. So that's a tactic that I would employ. You're using words like tactic

and making someone uncomfortable, shifting body language. He doesn't want to be on the podcast if that's the case. We haven't even asked him. You won't. I don't have his contact info. Of course. But we know someone who knows his ex. Josie. So you want me. Josie, you're my

source of most frustration. What were we saying? It's me, my girlfriend, her boss and her boss's ex. That's four points of separation. And then on top of that, you're going to ask him to be on a podcast. I want to interview Travis, too. You want more? He was ignoring you.

He wants more than Mark. I would like to talk to Travis. I'd like to talk to Tom. An acoustic Blink-182 reunion concert of sorts for you. I would just want to sit here and request shit. Play voyeur, Tom. You don't want to talk to them. You want to hear them play for you.

Can other people enjoy the music? It should really be for me. Can you invite a friend so that they can also I'll release the podcast that we record together wide. It would have a wide release. You've been staying at the W. You've been sending me your room service bills. Why?

You want to be tended to like a queen. Why? Nice. I love you. Yeah. Would you let this guy back into your house?

I forgot that this was even a question. I forgot that we had asked a question. Don't let him back. Yeah, don't let him back in. All right. Just ask a different season.

That'll show him. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Although, is it really shaming if he's just going to dog sit? So it's like, you're not allowed to do me this favor anymore. You've lost that opportunity, bucko. Or is it more of a punishment to be like, all right, now you have to come and let my dog in.

It's not that hard. You fill a fucking container with some food, kick the dog, and then you're like, Wait, what was that second part? I say, you fill the container with some food. That's the first one. Water, too. So food and water. Food and water are good. Kick the dog on your way wait what was that second part I say you fill the container water to so food and water yeah and water good kick the dog on your way out do that okay get a line fucker and then yeah let the dog out you let the dog out the dog yeah doggy boy door and a you have to pick up the poop walk

the dog keep the dog donkey come dog and you pop on the dog years just so it feels like it's worth a damn pet the dog the dog is Don't kick the dog. And then you pet it behind its ears just so it feels like it's worth a damn. Pet the dog. Pet the dog is good. Petting the dog is great. Pet the dog. Feed the dog. Water the dog. Walk the dog.

Kick the dog. Don't call it watering the dog. It's not a plan. You have to water the dog. You don't have to water the dog. Don't put water on a dog. And then kick it. Don't kick it. You spray the dog.

No. If it's been bad. Uh-uh. The dog isn't being bad. You're bad. It should spray. If the dog barks at you when you come in because it's like because it's used to you kicking it yeah yeah that's when you spray it no you don't get to prank this guy thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for

decades at this point exactly eons Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support

because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each

other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio,

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Yeah, you do. Bonus content. This guy wrote a Jeffrey the Dumbass script because he's such a huge fan of the videos. I thought we could read it. Are we going to read it? Let's read it together. This is a cold reading of Jeffrey the Dumbass Tinder.

We've gotten a lot of these. And, like, this guy's the lucky winner. Yeah. I feel bad for other people who have sent in stuff. That's okay. This guy had a question in addition to the reading. I try not to read any of them that I'm sent because I don't want to, like, even subconsciously take lines from it. Oh, I see.

Because some of them are good. All right. So this one is called Jeffrey the Dumbass Tinder. But I'm sure they would love subconsciously take lines from it. Oh, I see. Because some of them are good. All right. So this one is called Jerry the Dumbass Tinder. If you did take a line. I'd give him writing credit. Let's start off. Interior Day HeadGum Conference Room. Jake and me are seated at a conference table

during a conference call with their accountant. The accountant says, After looking over the numbers, I can honestly say in the 30 years I've been doing this, I've never seen anything like it. You're on the path to complete and utter bankruptcy. After looking over the numbers, I can honestly say in the 30 years I've been doing this, I've never seen anything like it. You're on the path to complete and utter bankruptcy. I recommend immediate liquidation of all your assets.

Jeffrey climbs from under the conference table and hangs up the conference call. What are you doing, Jeff? Like, right now? Yes, Jeff, that was a very important business call. Why did you do that? Bored. Where have you been, by the way? The last time we saw you was two weeks ago.

You showed up to the office at 445 with your suitcase, a Camelback water bottle full of nail polish remover, and a plane ticket to Vancouver shouting about how you were going to explore Down Under. You took a swig of the nail polish remover, then ran out of the office and hopped onto the back of a moving trash truck. What have you been doing the last 14 days? Been working on my Thrinder profile. Love your guys' advice. Do you mind? Of course we mind. We need to call our accountant back. We're ruined. And you're sitting down. This is unwelcome. First thoughts, reactions, notes, all positive would be good for me.

Right off the bat, you're not even in the first profile on your, first picture on your profile. It appears to be a plate of vegetable fried rice with sriracha sauce. You thought this was a good idea for attracting potential women online? Exactly right. Jesus. Take the phone and swipe to the next picture.

I guess this one's a little better. At least you're in the picture, but why did you think this picture of you in a bathrobe holding a copy of the movie Taken 3 would be a good addition to your Tinder profile? It's obviously the worst of the Taken trilogy. I'm in a bathrobe. Yes. I don't. You saw that. You still have notes. It shows my quirky side. How the hell does this picture. You know what. Never mind. We haven't even addressed your Tinder bio. Let me read it verbatim. My name is Jeff.

I'm a 72-year-old billionaire looking for a sad time. I enjoy long walks on a peach and wearing jorts in my spare time. Swipe left if you're under eight feet. How can someone be so irredeemably stupid? I appreciate it. This is all good for me to hear. No. But why don't you tell me what you really think?

What do you think we've been doing the whole time? We're telling you what we think. You're a dumbass. Why are you angry? Because I called you a dumbass? What have I done to deserve this attack? All right, look at all my matches. I can't even count there's so many of them.

There's five. Can you not really count to five? Maybe, but maybe bots. Yeah, speaking of bots, four of these matches are obviously fake accounts you set up to trick yourself into paying money on cam sites. It looks like you've fallen for it four times, too. Jesus, how much money did you lose?

Worth every penny to go to the one actual date I managed to set up through Jesus, how much money did you lose? Worth every penny. To go to the one actual date, I managed to set up through the bish. Where did you take her? Well, it started like every date I've ever been on. 45 minute shower, crying the whole time. Sad. And then I picked her up at her place, right? Yeah. Guess what kind of car I drive? This is not in the

script. Saturn. And I picked her up at her place. We went out to grab a bite to eat. Or should I say a bite of meat. We went to a vegan restaurant. So it's not a bite of meat. Long story, Jorts, I ended up getting lucky. Pepper spray and all. What does that even mean?

Knock on the door. A woman enters. Hi, I'm supposed to meet Jeff from Tinder at this address. Is he here? Alright, sweetheart, let's skip all the bullshit and get straight to the good shit. Jeff takes out a spray bottle and sprays himself. That's good. Cutting back and forth, screaming.

All right. Thoughts? Good. I'm glad that he ended with establishing that Jeff sprays himself with pepper spray. Yeah. I don't want to be a predator. In that, yeah.

In that moment, I was like, Jesus, what are we reading right now? But no, Jeff, I like that he goes on a date, sprays himself with paints,

and then runs away. And that's getting lucky. I love the, the bio made me laugh. Oh yeah. I'm a 72 year old billionaire looking for a sad time. Long walks on the peach is pretty good. That is really good.

All right. Let's get to one more question before we have to get the hell out of here. All right. This one is from another dude. Jeffrey, a name. Gordon. Any last name? Air.

Air Gordon. Yeah. Hey, guys. He's Gordon Air. any last name air air gordon yeah hey guys i said gordon air i sent you both a snapchat and an email to marty okay my brother and i my brother and i had an original less effective way to communicate with headcount my brother and i had an idea for a podcast it would be about our deranged perverted nana who makes way too many cookies, resents her grandchildren, and is borderline schizophrenic, all in a gentle, loving way. Each episode starts with her making some random screech sound and or swearing at the neighborhood pigeon boys, eating the lasagna she left in the yard. Picture Christmas dinner. Nana is prancing around in a towel that's way too small. eating the lasagna she left in the yard. Picture Christmas dinner.

Nana's prancing around in a towel that's way too small, completely unaware that it's 6.30 and we were all already eating. She sings a perverted parody of a Disney song. The whole table turns to look at her, and I say, Nana, it's Christmas. Please put something on. And she says, how about this, motherfucker? It's another fan script. And flashes the table. Do you have any advice, or could you ask your audience what they think about this podcast and whether it has potential?

Sounds like a web series more than a podcast. Yeah. It's a sketch. Yeah, but it's a reoccurring character. If Nana does a podcast, I don't think you can box Nana in. She's got to come up with her own show. What does she want it to be? A weekly racist diatribe?

What is the Nana show? So you sit down with Nana and you say, what do you want to get off your chest? Did you bring this up because we're trying to convince Jeff to start a podcast and he won't do it? So this is one of our pitches to you, the Nana cast. Can you beat it? Would you co-host this podcast? we won't do it? So this is one of our pitches to you, the Nanocast. Can you beat it? Would you co-host this podcast? Where's this guy from? He is from Iceland,

northern Iceland, in the Arctic Circle. So we could maybe ask him to come here or you could spend a winter. Well, I was going to say Jeffrey could spend a winter in Accurary. Yeah, or Guernsey. Guernsey? Yeah. So Guernsey. Guernsey?

So you would fly to Guernsey first thing tomorrow. You're already wearing the sweater for it. Is that Icelandic lamb? It's not an Icelandic lamb's wool. Oh, my God. It is. Jake is allergic to Icelandic lamb. Oh, I didn't realize.

As soon as he touched it, his throat started to close. That was violent. Yeah. Bless you, by the way. Thank you. And I'm sorry. Yeah. Well, thanks. Giancarlo, does he do this in, this is just because of me? Yeah. I didn't sneeze once.

He's never sneezed on camera. Giancarlo has been filming me for the better part of a decade. Have you ever seen me sneeze? No. So just on my episode, though. I guess so. It was the first time. There was some sort of allergy or something.

Whatever, man. Nanocast. What's the advice? Start it or not? Not. Okay. All right. Yeah, no.

Riley and I want to start a podcast, but I have to graduate first. And then once you graduate, maybe it can be about that. Which is in 13 days. By the time this comes out. Graduation's in 13 days? How many tickets do you get to that shit? I'd love to see you walk. I don't want to invite you guys.

Yeah, I think I should do it. You can come to the party. No, not a party. I really want to be at the ceremony of it. Oh, you know what would be cool? Because everybody does a thing on the back of their hats. Oh, like a hat. Jeffrey's would be HeadGum. Oh, you know what would be cool? Because everybody does a thing on the back of their hats. Oh, like a hat. Jeffrey's would be HeadGum.

Oh, that's fun. So it would be the HeadGum logo, whether it be the logo or the name. And then on the robe it says, like, download and subscribe. That's cool. It's like all of our podcasts. And you take it off and you're wearing a... What's wrong? You take it off and you're wearing a HeadGum. And this is all when he's like... He goes to shake the diploma.

Oh, and then he dabs on him right so he dabs he dabs on him shakes the diploma he goes to shake the hands shake the hands for the diploma not shake the diploma

I didn't say that you did no I didn't rewind the tape rewind the tape everybody you know I didn't say that at Jeffrey if I did

not say that at him so you go to shake the diploma dab on him you dab on him you dab go to shake the diploma. Dab on him. You dab on him. And then your dean is obviously, he's taken aback for a moment.

But then he sees you and he's like, he does the Fonzie. Yeah, he hugs you. And then you seize. Can you take your arms and just go like this for a second? Oh! Oh! My nuts!

Amir, I would gladly have you at the ceremony. Jake, you're fired. This is crazy. You're an editorial assistant. I'm the goddamn co-founder. I could fire you. Yeah, but it has to be unanimous. Yeah, between me and Jeff and Marty and I have already spoken at length about it.

I feel like I can at least object. You can. I can object. I strenuously object. We heard that. And we also have to take your computer and leave. Do you need my phone? Go on.

Take the laptop and run. Nice. Yeah, we don't have any ideas for the podcast. Maybe we need something graduation, recently recently graduate new person in the world hardly employable unemployable very fun employable fun employable that's a good name for a show fun invited that's nice and it's all about how we don't get invited to shit that's fun or in general never. What? Never mind. What about Jeffrey the dumb cast? I think we want to do it where it's more just us.

Oh, and less in character. Yeah. So you think you're not dumb. Never mind. Ask me any question about the world. Something I should know and I'll know it and I'll tell you. What's the capital of California? Capital of California. Capital C.

What? The C is the capital in California. Like the C? The letter means you have to capitalize C at the beginning of the word. So you find these little loopholes. That actually is really smart. Okay, thanks.

The C is capital in California. I think that's pretty cool. I actually really like that. In fact, I'm hired. Yeah. The sea is capital in California. I think that's pretty cool. Yeah. I actually really like that. What are the three? In fact, I'm hired. This is you in a job interview. Yeah, we'll be in touch. Yeah. We will be in touch.

Let's just role play a job interview with you right now. Okay. Hey, Mr. Hurwitz, thank you so much for coming in. We're really excited about the prospect. Open your eyes. You're nervous. No, you're staring forward. I'm fucking dead serious about getting this job, sir.

Okay. If I had to fill this room up with pens, how many pens would it take? It'd only take one. No. That's the worst. I apologize for my color. And I'll get the job done. What?

Your honor. I will fill the room with one pen because I'll write on all the walls and I'll write a love letter to this company because I want to work here. I need to work here. And frankly, I already do work here. Now, where's my goddamn desk costs? How far is the sun from here? A million billion miles, fucker.

A million billion? Fucker. You just swore at me. Get the hell out of my office. I love this guy. What? This guy is bringing what the team has needed for the better part of a year. A large pen and an attitude that won't quit.

And he swears for fun. We're out of time. I don't know what to say. Did we answer one question? We answered one. The dog, the saran wrap. And we read a script. And the nanocast, which is a no.

Yeah, and it's a hard pass. It's a no from me. A hard pass on the Nana cast. Jeffrey, thank you for coming by. I'm willing to talk to Nana. I just don't want to talk to her reps anymore. Do you want to promote anything, like your future podcast or something? Jeffrey the Dumbass Off Days, obviously.

Lonely and Horny Season 2. Naturally. Riley and I's podcast, Soon To Be. Soon To Be Named. Soon To Be Existing. And Don't Play No James on Twitter. I am Jeffrey James on Instagram. And Riley and I are beginning to write a web series

that we are going to produce in the spring. You guys have two roles. What is happening to your face? As in you're paying us with bread? It's going to be Sag New Media. It's going to be face? As in you're paying us with bread? Tommy likey. It's going to be SAG New Media. It's going to be what?

SAG New Media. AFTRA New Media. Don't talk about unions when you look like that. Roll the credits. Roll the credits. It's over. He's disappearing. Ah! If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I would do if only I were you.

Shark.com That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooke Linen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooke Linen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover.

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