Segments - Bonus: The Headbutt (2018)

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

Our first Patreon Video version of "If I Were You!" We embrace the visual elements by making faces, dancing dances, and not selling any advertisements. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662.

Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. All new if I were yous. What the heck? Well, kind of. You see, about five years ago, we recorded 70 episodes of this here advice podcast and released them ad free for our Patreon behind a paywall.

And we figured, why don't we release the best dozen or so? Because a lot of people never heard these episodes and we'll slowly release them every other week on this podcast feed that you're hopefully still subscribed to as a way of saying, you know what? Thanks for sticking it out. It's kind of like the post-credit sequence of a movie or a secret track on a CD. You waited weeks and weeks. So why don't we release some new-ish to you, potentially, episodes of If I Were You. So this is one of those episodes. Thanks for listening. Remember, if we said something crazy, you got to envision.

These were recorded in 2018. I mean, what a different time. So you won't hear anything about the pandemic or anything like that, but hopefully still enjoyable. All right, here it is. Enjoy. Diligent Dillinger. A dilly of a pickle ginger.

Pickled ginger Dillinger. A dilly daddle Dillinder. Dander, mander, goat, and fluff. Show me that billy goat gruff. All right. Ready? No. I quit.

Ah! Let's get started. You dabbed, but you didn't seem happy about that. I was unhappy. And your eyes were open. You rarely see an eye open during just a bored dab. Yes. And since this is a video, people could see you dabbing.

That's right. And you wanted that to happen. It is my burden that I must dab for the intro. It is my dab to bear. That was Stoney with a theme song. We're going to stick with Stoney for this theme song because he's the GOAT. And ideally, these will be the GOAT podcast episodes. That's right. Patreon exclusive.

I don't know if you're listening to this as a podcast, but we're also recording this as a video. It's a video, baby. So people can see everything I'm doing. So I'm going to hold up a certain amount of fingers. Ready? Yep. Four. Yep. That's correct. Two. Yes, that's good. All right. Let's get started. What's in between those two? We got the two plus here. One. Yep. That's two. Yes. Four.

Five. Easy. And then lastly, give me the middle one. Boom, baby. Oh, my God. I don't fucking remember. It's tree. Three.

Tree. Tree. Yeah, triggered it. All right, good. As always, these are going to be real questions from real people, but we can get a little bit more animated when we're answering it. That's right. Because, of course, there's a video component to it.

And either way, it's AdLess, baby. Oh, that's true. AdLess and GladLess. So we're not happy, but at least there's no commercials. I'm miserable. Why? I'm miserable, bub. I'm going to make a lot more faces. Oh, that's good, because people can see it. I made a funny face when I said I'm miserable. Why? I'm miserable, bub. I'm going to make a lot more faces.

Oh, that's good because people can see it. I made a funny face when I said I'm miserable, everybody. Y'all saw it if you're watching the video. How about we just describe it

in case we're doing the audio version? Okay, so Jake's eyes are pretty open right now. They're wide. His nose is stretched down. His bottom lip is sort of swallowing

his top one. His eyebrows are up. Yeah. Yeah. It's a tight-lipped, surprised frown. That's what I would describe it as. That's cool. All right, Dave, are you ready?

Mm-hmm. Ooh, Amir is exposing more bottom teeth than top. The bottom of his mouth is wider than the top, and the rest of his face is dead. That wasn't on purpose. All right, now he's doing sort of a dead-eyed smile. He's laughing, but he's really sad. I've had a heart attack. All right, this one is called

My Boyfriend Got Head-Butted. It's from a girl. Do you have a lady's name? We're going to give this lady a fake name just to preserve her anonymity. Let's call her Shasta McNasty. The short-lived sitcom starring Verne Troyer. Yeah, very short-lived.

May he rest in peace. Of course. Shasta writes, while out at the pub with my lads, the whole group started talking about one girl from our old high school. All the boys were talking about how much they liked her. Okay. So extreme. then proceeded to headbutt my boyfriend in the face. Okay. So extreme. Me, my boyfriend, and my boyfriend's best friend left after that and went home. Am I allowed to be angry at my best friend?

Why the fuck did he headbutt my boyfriend? How am I supposed to move on from this and be his friend again? Thanks, guys. You rock. You rock. You rock. Love shafts. Boof. You ever been headbutted?

No. What a weird way to attack someone. It seems painful because it's like a really strong bow in your skull. Yeah. I got headbutted once. And why? It was like my friend Steve was just fucking amped. That's cool. That would be like the kind of thing he would do to me when he was a football player.

Are strong people's skull more hard? I imagine a strong guy headbutting me, and then my skull breaks. But there's no reason that my bones are softer than his, even though he's a thick, bearded hooligan man. There must be something in the physics of like, you are the momentum and you like headbutt through somebody, right? Maybe? That's true. If you're moving and the other person's not, does that mean his skull will break

and yours won't? I mean, I think it hurts both people. Yeah, because it's two heads hitting each other. Let's try it. All right, ready? Well, I guess there's a difference of if you're not expecting it and then I headbutt you. You know what it is? It's two heads hitting each other. Let's try it. All right, ready? Well, I guess there's a difference of if you're not expecting it and then I headbutt you. You know what it is?

It's like where, because maybe the front, the crown area, now that we're on video, I can show you. This is the front. Right. So maybe this is the hardest bone. And then if I turn your head around and hit the side of your skull, maybe that's a softer part of the bone. Well, I think I would, like if I was headbutting you, I'd go my crown into your schnoz. Oh, into my nose. Yeah, because that's the most

delicate part of your face, right? There's not really any bone here in the nose. I've seen them. And your nose will just break and you'll start bleeding. Your eyes automatically water. A skull doesn't have a nose. It has the beginning of a nose. But you can still break your nose. What is this shape? It's cartilage. It's cart't have a nose. It has like the beginning of a nose and then... Yeah, but you can still break your nose.

What is this shape? It's cartilage. Yeah. It's cartilage, dumbass. What is cartilage? What do you mean what is cartilage? If it's not bone and it's not muscle... It's cartilage. Yeah. And where else is cartilage and why is it cartilage?

It's in your cock. What? I think your cock is all cartilage when it's hard your cock. What? I think your cock is all cartilage when it's hard. No. Yeah. Your ears.

This is a video so I can show everybody my penis. Oh yeah, it's an ear. You have a little ear down there. Oh yeah,

cartilage up here in the ear. Yeah. It's just like super hard skin. It's so funny. It's like the body has bones,

which everyone knows. It's got the muscles and the blood. But also, just for like little finishing touches, God gave which everyone knows. It's got the muscles and the blood. But also just for like little finishing touches, God gave us cartilage. That's right. Not quite a bone, but a little flappy soft bone. Thanks, God. So you got the nose, which is the cartilage.

You got the ears. You got the ears, which is a little bit more cartilage. Yeah, that's the soft bone. Anything else that's a soft cartilage bone? I really think you're cock. Just mine. You have a cartilage cock. So this person was talking not even shit, but just saying, like, I don't understand why you guys don't like this girl.

Yeah. And then this guy headbutts. It's clear to me that the best friend wanted to headbutt the boyfriend for a very long time and finally, finally got the tiniest inkling of a reason and he seized the opportunity. What do you think about her? I think she's fine.

Oh! What the fuck? Crap! I said she was fine. You headbutted me. It's just such a funny word, headbutt. Because there's butt heads, which is completely different. That's me. It's just such a funny word, head-butt. Because there's butt-heads, which is completely different. That's like when someone's acting like a nuisance. Yeah, butt-heads is sort of more like figurative.

And head-butt is literal. Is that the two meanings of the word butt? Are they related there? Like to butt someone? And then there's also a butt. Yeah. Well, also like the butt of the gun, too. But so that is like the ass, though.

We should figure out the origins of the word butt. Yeah. And is that cartilage? Am I allowed to be angry at my best friend? Of course. You're allowed to be angry at your best friend if he shows up late to dinner. I think it's illegal. Yeah. If he attacks the person you love, you're allowed to be angry at your best friend if he shows up late to dinner. I think it's illegal. Yeah.

If he attacks the person you love, you're allowed to be angry. You're always allowed to feel an emotion. What? That's the best part about it. Yeah. So if I'm sad, that's also allowed. Right. And if I'm happy or offended, I can do that too. Yes.

And I'm allowed to be affected by your emotion or not give a shit or feel my own emotion. And that's all fair. Yes. Because it's all. It's all legal. Why the fuck did he headbutt my boyfriend? Because he's in love with you. Because he's in love with you, princess.

How am I? Don't you see that? How am I supposed to move on from this and be his friend again? You don't have to be. If you're this angry that you're this and you're this confused, I can clear it up. Your friend physically assaulted someone. Which is

not good. If anything, he's not allowed to do that. Right. You can feel anything. You just can't strike somebody. Right. You can't feel something so much that you actually inflict physical harm on somebody. Wait, did you say why your friend headbutted you? He was just excited.

He was happy. Got it. It was like an accident. We had good news, and he was like, woo, and he headbutted me, and it really hurt. Yeah. It's a cool thing in football with a helmet, to headbutt someone who's like, yeah, let's get amped. Yeah.

And that was Steve. He was the football captain, and for some reason, he was friends with a little Jewish nerd in school. And then did it make you bleed? Did it bruise? Did it break? Did it crack? No, I think it just hurt for a while.

Yeah. All right, that's fine. It was cool. You're the man, Steve. I love you, Steve. I'm still thinking about you, Steve. Here's a question from a dude who's got a question about D&D. Nice, that's what's up.

So what do you want to call this guy? I feel like I've exhausted all the D&D names from my, no I haven't, Scullus. Okay, Scullus writes, I'm a 16-year-old living in Calgary, Canada, home of the dying Western spirit. I love D&D and subsequently NADPOD as well. And I DM a campaign with my two longtime boys and GF of seven months. Ever since he was 13. put off by how clingy she is. She's always guilting me into talking to her longer despite never thinking of anything to talk about, and it's just not good for either of us anymore.

I want to leave her, but she's part of this campaign, so I can't just hop on the midnight train to Singleville as it would be unfair to my friends and would really mess things up campaign-wise. What should I do? Do I need to man up a do it or man up and not do it? That's okay. Help. Do I need to grow a sack and then not confront her? P.S. I've also been sort of flirting with other girls on the DL to feel some sort of romantic

satisfaction. I know that it's super unfair to her and I wonder if I need to stop doing that too. All right. I think there comes a time in your life when it's worth figuring out the problems and the hiccups in a relationship and seeing if you can get through to a nicer, better, easier side of it. When you're 16, if there's even the hint of a problem just break up yeah it's like she talks to me a little bit too much so let's end everything of course why would you're 16 you're gonna have hopefully 20 more girlfriends before you have to settle down so it's almost like relationships are a base or a foundation and when you're 16 you have nothing the slightest hiccup will just destroy the foundation.

As it should. I don't think that that's like a problem. I think that's the right way. And then at age 30, then it's like you have a stronger foundation. If things get wrong, you can just like address it and talk honestly. She talks to me in a baby voice. Like, well, she still might be a good person. So why don't you just say that you don't like the baby voice?

So at age 16, why are you more likely to break up? And why do you think that's a good thing? Because I think you need more experience points. And I think you need to be single. And I think you need to have, like, lots of breakups and get togethers and flirt with people. So, like, yeah, even if there's a hint of something not being perfect. Yeah, I think when you're 16, it's maybe more time to like get to know yourself. And when you're 30, it's more time to get to know somebody like past the surface of their idiosyncrasies that make you like question if you should be with them.

That's beautiful. Thanks. I'm glad I caught that on video. We stopped rolling. Awesome. Your eyes opened because dabbing dabbing is like just putting your eyes yeah over the eyes but for now on i'm gonna dab i'm gonna dab to the crowd so you guys can see my sad face yeah because you never see you never see someone's face during the dab and that's what you don't want to see.

It's like a camera over a blindfold. The shame that somebody feels with their face when they find themselves in a deep dab. What have I done here? The deepest dab of all. Would you stay in a relationship just for the joy of a campaign? Like Murph and Emily are married in your campaign. What if their relationships hits a rocky point and it starts affecting the game? What if they have to separate and then they can't

continue the fucking campaign? That'd be really hard. That would be really hard. But I think this guy, like for me, I honestly, I don't know the answer there. I don't know it at all. It would be, it'd be a sad thing. They'd have to deal with it. I wouldn't have to do. But they, but, all right, so this guy, he's only had this girlfriend for seven months

and he's playing a D&D campaign with his two best friends. That's right. And he's the DM. This girl doesn't have to be part of the campaign. And your friends

probably will be fine with it or if they're sad, they're gonna like survive because you're the fucking DM. Oh, he's the DM. So he's the game. Everyone else seems to be interchangeable. He's the dungeon master. I mean, everybody else adds a lot of flavor, and I'm sure they're integral to the game.

But what the game needs more than anything is the dungeon master. He constructs the story. He creates the consequences. This is him talking to his friends. Like, so who are you going to choose? We already chose her. is the dungeon master. He constructs the story. He creates the consequences. The bad guys, the conflict. This is him talking to his friends, like, so who are you going to choose?

We already chose her. Yeah, she's like a tiefling bard and she's super fun. I think anybody can DM is all, so like, I'll do it. Because she makes the banjo noises

with her mouth. All right, so you're saying, what should I do? Break up. When you're 16, it's never ever worth it. Like, don't not, don't, you're also, what should I do? Break up. When you're 16, it's never, ever worth it. Like, don't not, don't.

You're also like flirting with other people. Yeah. And you like that and you're having fun. So why would you be like, I don't want to do that. It'd be better if I was miserable. Yeah. I would rather be sadder in the campaign than happier and without it. Yeah. But you understand that.

Break up. You can start a new campaign. A new campaign with a new loved one, too. You can start a new campaign. A new campaign with a new loved one too. What is a relationship but a D&D campaign? So you're rolling happiness points.

That's right. Or you're, what else is there in D&D? It's collaborative storytelling, which is a relationship. You're telling your story with your significant other. Together.

And you're writing a tale that hopefully ends happily. And you can roll with advantage every time. I actually sold a little ad myself. So can we do a quick commercial break? What are you talking about? Who did you sell it to?

To Starbucks. Yeah. This is ad free. And you approached one of the biggest corporations. You're lucky I fucking love Starbucks. So I stole a coffee. Go for it. And they were like, you have to pay for

that and i said don't worry about it i'm gonna plug it on my show and then you were chased out of the starbucks i said what show and i said don't worry you'll see and then they chased me all the way down to my car and i sped off so i guess honestly good at starbucks employee who's like not paid to chase people through the parking lot yeah i guess they take their job you should really just steal coffee from every coffee stand because who's gonna actually like go out of their way take the apron off and sprint after they don't have equity in the company yeah you can steal like so you you get your coffee they're like you have to pay for that like what the fuck do you care why do you give a shit i I think Starbucks is going to survive. All right?

And you, yeah, you have an hourly wage. They're not going to fire you for not stopping. Oh! That's the manager behind you? Dazed again. I got to stop stealing from this specific Starbucks.

Your hand's in the tip jar. What do you care? Eating a fucking breakfast burrito? What? There's like a one, a couple fives in here? Give me a fucking break, man. Can I have a job application? I'm poor.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of

funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio,

the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Oh, here's one. There's a follow-up up. We don't really do this on the podcast. This could be a fun thing to do for these videos. People who have written to us before in the past often give us a follow-up, and then I never quite remember what our advice was to begin with,

so it never feels right to talk about, but this lady not only told us that she wrote in before, but she told us what happened, reminded us. This is what she writes. So you answered my question in episode 304, and I wanted to give you a follow-up. Basically, what had happened was I matched with this guy on Tinder, we fucked, and then he slowly stopped talking to me. I was heartbroken, but I decided not to hit him up and just move on. That was 10 months ago. This week, I came across his Tinder profile again and swiped right, and it was a match. He said we should hang out again. I said yes with little expectations, and I'm glad that I went because it made me realize that he really wasn't shit and wasn't worth being sad about.

He wants to hang out again, but I think this time I'll just not respond to him. Thanks for your advice. Oh, my God. The ghosted becomes the ghosty. That's a good feeling. That's awesome. But I like the idea of a ghoster person like every six months just like completely forgets his past. It's like, hey, we should hook up again.

It's like you ghosted me. It's like, oh, we should hook up again. It's like, you ghosted me. It's like, oh, did I? I don't know. I don't even remember. No, I actually respawned. And a ghost becomes a human again, I guess every 10 months or so. We should hang out again.

So it seems like what we can tell people is to just wait 10 months and everything will be fine. That's true. 10 months is a solid chunk of time. That does sort of reset the clock a little bit. Yeah. After 10 months, you get curious about like, what would fucking them feel like again?

Yeah. 10 months is the most amount of time. Like what's longer than 10 months? 11 months. What's, yeah, but like, really? You didn't know anything was longer than 10 months? Yeah, but after 11. You're the numbers guy.

That's the end of time. 12 months. A year. Two years. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? How old am I? I start disappearing.

Do we make it so my hand is disappearing in frame? Probably not. We don't have that SFX budget. Not yet. Support us on Patreon. All right. Let's keep rolling. This is how we do it in the video episodes.

There are no breaks. There are no pauses. But also, way to go. Thank you. Not you. I appreciate it. To the follow-up, Bob. Nonetheless, I do appreciate it.

Okay. And I feel like you respect me a little bit more. I don't. And it's kind of cool that I got over what I was going through. With not knowing how much. Thank you. Okay. Thank you.

With not thinking anything was longer than 10 months. Thank you. And now you're plugging your ears. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. I guess plugging my ears. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Plugging my ears doesn't work if I'm wearing headphones.

You can only hear me louder. All right. Another dude's name. We'll call this guy Fitzroy McPatrick. Why? Because I don't know. Oh, that's his actual name. Really?

Yeah. Nice. Fitzroy Wright. That's another thing we're doing on the Patreon. We're outing everybody. There is no anonymity anymore. I'm a 21-year-old student living in a new city for a summer internship that's almost over. I'm subletting a room in a three-bedroom apartment, and about halfway through the summer, a guy moved into one of the open rooms.

He's 73 and well-traveled, but unfortunately very afraid of technology and evil chemicals. The man will not drink city water, use soap to clean his dishes, and once told me he convinced a man to stop taking cholesterol medication because he convinced it only masked the high cholesterol and didn't actually lower it. He could have killed that guy. I do love our conversations where we talk about traveling because he's been to like 85 countries and stayed in 500 hostels. But it's hard to get over some of these infuriating lectures about how something I'm doing in life is wrong. Anyway, this is all kind of annoying but pretty tolerable. On bad days, I would add to a draft of an email to send to you guys but never felt it was enough to ask the almighty advice gods.

But today, he blew it into the fucking stratosphere oh dear i picked up some toilet paper after work because i noticed we were running low and i let him know in case he was planning on picking some up soon he then casually drops the bomb that he doesn't use toilet paper then i had to stand there in horror as he explained an agonizing detail that he reaches into the water with his hands and wets the working area with a wet, slimy hand, then squeegees himself clean. I've been sharing a kitchen with this guy for close to two months. I guess my question is, how can I get a 73-year-old man to start wiping his ass with toilet paper? Thanks for your help and much love.

Mr. Bonculate. I guess that's the nickname he gave himself. Okay. So there's a 73-year-old that he's living with, which is already kind of funny. But he's well-traveled. He's well-traveled, and he convinces people not to take cholesterol medication.

At 73, your brain is hardened into your ways. This guy's convinced himself that science isn't real. I don't know if you can convince him how to wipe his ass at this point. You know on Twitter when people use the clapping emojis? Yeah. That's what I want. Like you need to move out. Oh like

that. You need to move out. Yeah so you clap emoji need clap emoji to clap emoji move clap emoji out clap emoji yes you need to move out clap emoji that's right um there's nothing i mean i do want to just say that i fucking hate when people like think that they've unlocked the secret to life about like oh like don't drink uh don't drink unfiltered water don't take medicine like this is how you do it like actually toilet paper is really bad for you so I stick my hand up my ass this is like I'll just you know how they did it for 2,000 years we survived with just using natural spring water but I like that does work I mean not the toilet the toilet paper thing, but some people are like, oh, I don't like need to

take medication and like I don't get sick. Yeah. So you shouldn't either. But that's not true because everybody's bodies are fucking different. So just great. You found out what works for you, but don't talk to me. Yeah. But the problem is.

You septuagenarian ass. Not only that, but this guy's touching shit with his shit hands. Yeah, I mean, this guy is like, we're through the looking glass with this dude. He's like, I would find him so infuriating just for telling me that I was doing anything wrong. Yeah. And that's before he's touching my plates with poop. He's also so not aware of himself that he's fine admitting to it. He's like,

if I was not wiping my ass with toilet paper for years, I wouldn't tell anyone because they would probably judge me accordingly. It's sort of, I mean, this is like,

I feel like my ass is the cleanest after I've taken a shower because I've soaped my ass. Yeah. Holy shit. You're on his side. But I get. You think he's onto something. No, no, no, no, no. You don soaped my ass. Yeah. Holy shit. You're on his side. But I get.

You think he's on to something. No, no, no, no, no. You don't wipe your ass. He's doing like his own hand wash bidet. That's right. But it's a lazy man's bidet. Like what he's doing is not effective enough. I don't even think it's good enough to clean his asshole.

I think it. Let's take a step back and think about it because he is washing his ass. He's not washing. He's not using soap. He doesn't use soap. It's just water. Yeah, it's just water. He said that he does not use, he said that he doesn't like hand soap, right?

Yeah. Earlier. Or maybe it was dish soap with the dishes. Yeah, dish soap. But all right. So like we've established that the guy has a general mistrust of soap. Yeah. And now we're talking about how he washes his ass with his hand. So we can assume, we can reasonably assume that he is not using soap for either the ass wash or the hand wash following.

Yeah. But what if he did use soap for the hand wash following? Is that better than toilet paper? Arguably. But I don't think. And maybe the cholesterol medication does just affect the test and not the actual cholesterol. And he is well-traveled. He has been to 500 hostels.

I don't know. But this is like, it seems like one of those things that he learned abroad where he's like, oh, yeah, half of India doesn't use toilet paper. Like, well, people are so sick there. Oh, I guess I never thought one step ahead to realize that people are so sick there. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think you can teach an old dog new tricks, even if one of these tricks is wiping his own ass. But we can teach you a new trick, and that's moving out of your apartment. Which seems like it's going to happen anyway.

This is why people don't live with people who are 50 years older than them. There's going to be some sort of your apartment. Which seems like it's going to happen anyway. Yeah. This is why people don't live with people who are 50 years older than them. There's going to be some sort of cultural difference. There's going to be a generation or two gap. Yes. The chasm is wide with this one. But God, this guy who's saving money on toilet paper. Let's say I do just use the water because, I mean, I do have a bidet, so that's rinsing my butt.

And then I still use the toilet paper to so that's rinsing my butt. Right. And then I still use the toilet paper to dry the butt. You have to mop it up. Yeah, you have to mop it up. You have to mop it up and wipe away the shit. It doesn't just, like, fall into the toilet. The shit's not that, like, it's not that perfect. What if he's like, but dogs don't wipe their ass.

Dogs have dirty assholes. He wipes his mouth. Really? Start sucking on his fingers. Have you seen little... What's a dog's name? Rex. Have you seen little Rex around recently?

And he's doing the whole... You couldn't think of a dog's name? Well, I was going to say shoe. Fido? Why shoe? Yeah, that's what I was saying. Like, I got stumped. Like, shirt. That's not a dog's name. No, I was going to say shoe. Fido? Why shoe? Yeah, that's what I was saying. Like, I got stumped. Like, shirt.

That's not a dog's name. No, that's an item of clothing. Right. And so is shoe. Dazz. That's not even a word. Right. Dazz.

Dazz is a bad dog's name. You're a dazz. You're an absolute dazz of yourself. So move out is the thing that we're telling him. You can't teach this guy to start wiping his ass at age 73. Unless you do it yourself for him. Oh. Can you sneak into his room and wipe his ass?

Right now Jake's doing another interesting face. Yeah. Bottom of it. Can you wipe his ass? Sort of a water boy impression. Eyebrows still raised. He's kind of crying. Every time I give myself an underbite.

Yeah, underbite, no lips. High eyebrows. And a confused look. All right, that's it. That's 30 minutes up, 30 minutes down. We don't have to thank anybody. We don't have to talk about any sponsors. It's just us answering questions.

Hopefully you guys liked it. Let us know what you think. There's comments on these posts, I believe. That's just us answering questions. Hopefully you guys liked it. Let us know what you think. There's comments on these posts, I believe. That's true? That's true. So leave a comment. Let us know what you think. We can adjust accordingly.

It's just us two. We can do whatever the fuck we want. Yeah, baby. We can end with a homemade theme song. A fucking dab salute. A dab salute. That's a good t-shirt. A dab salute. Thanks for watching, everybody. Ciao. absolutely that's a good t-shirt absolutely

thanks for watching everybody ciao if I were you if I were you if I were you if I were you I'll tell you what I would do if only I were you

that was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle,

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