Segments - Bonus: Worst Text Ever (2019)

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

In this episode we discuss Jake's sleep habits, and Amir's... other habits. Then a live reading on what we believe to be, the worst text ever. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662.

Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. What is this? A new If I Were You podcast? Well, kind of. These are episodes that were living behind our Patreon for the last five years, and we figured, why not release some of the best ones onto this feed to

reward those of you that never gave up, that never unsubscribed. So please enjoy this classic episode of If I Were You, recorded at our old studio in 2018. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I would do, if only I were you, shark.com. All right, let's do it. Are you okay? I was just catching a little shut-eye during the song because it's not super important that I'm chatting or anything. Yeah, the song is 16 seconds long.

Yeah, just every little bit. We can cut. We can cut. You can take a power nap. You don't have to catch Zs. I don't need a cat nap. I don't need a power nap. You do.

I don't even need a fucking siesta. I just need to get through this so I can catch a few Zs. Okay, so now you're sleeping right. You're taking micro-naps while I talk. Awesome. Ready to go. No, you're not. You think that you can catch up on sleep slowly but surely while I speak.

I want to catch three Zs. That's it. How'd you sleep last night? I slept great last night. Okay. Absolutely fabulous. You woke up when? I woke up around 9.45 this a.m.

Uh-huh. This morning. Yeah. And I woke up ready to go, having got close to five minutes of sleep. That's so little. Because I... You woke up at 9.40. I woke up at 9.45.

I went to... I got into my room at 9.40 because I don't... I just... It's nothing. Yeah. You didn't sleep at all. You got five minutes. I don't know if I got actual shut eye. For five minutes.

Yeah. Okay, so, all right. Sort of a Rip Van Winkle. If you will. I don't need to sleep. And then I sleep for 100 years. You're not going to do that. That's what I do.

So you haven't slept. That's what Rip Van Winkle did, right? No, he slept fine and then he also slept for 100 years. Right, right, right, right, right. You're not going to do that. That's what I do. So you haven't slept. That's what Rip Van Winkle did, right? No, he slept fine, and then he also slept for 100 years. Right, right, right, right, right. You can sleep. You don't have to force yourself to stay awake. Right, right, right. Your eyes look like they're burning.

You just look. You're sleeping. Yeah. And you're sleeping. And now I'm up. And I'm good to go. Just don't. You take these quick little micro-naps while I speak, and it's not efficient.

Like, you're going to be. It's noticeable. Noticeable. Yes. I caught that. I didn't hear the first part, but I got it. Yeah. How are we going to do this whole show? Let's just power through. Okay. All I need is a couple of Z's. So take the Z's. I'll, I don't know, count to 10 or something. All right. All right. Ready? I'll go to sleep. One, two, three, four, five. You're not sleeping. I'm trying to fall asleep. You're doing a real stupid face. Close your eyes.

All right. All right. One, two, three, close your eyes. Four, five. You're not closing your eyes. I'm trying to fall asleep, and you're chatting. You're chatting. You're not stopping.

Is this how you sleep every night? This is why it's only five minutes. That's me asleep. Front teeth open. Eyes also agape. Just close your mouth. Close your eyes. How does that feel?

Why is that? No, close your mouth. Why is this so foreign to you? Why do I have to teach you how to do this? Okay, I'm good. No, you're not. You're lowering your hat. People can see, by the way, we're shooting this as a video for Patreon.

Thanks for subscribing to the Patreon. Absolutely. Thank you for subscribing. And you're lowering it to the point where you think that I won't see your eyes so that they can sleep. Can you go over your eyes? I'm just trying a new way to wear a hat these days. It's so low. Can you put it over your eyes if you wanted to? A little over? Can you go even your eyes? I'm just trying a new way to wear a hat these days. It's so low. Can you put it over your eyes if you wanted to?

A little over? Can you go even lower than that? That's when you're fully asleep. Bad hat, bad hat. It's dissecting your eyes. It's bisecting your eyes. It doesn't look weird. It's too low.

It's too low. Your head looks very thin in the hat. Yeah. Let's see your head a little bit. We can barely. No, it's too low. Your head looks very thin in the hat. Yeah. Let's see your head a little bit. We can barely... No, it's so low still. This is more eyes, but still less eyebrows. Yeah, no eyebrows.

The eyebrows are stuffed into the hat. I can get... There's a little more eyebrow. Okay, let's go a little higher. A little higher. A little higher. A little higher. You can use your hands.

You don't have to. All right. Great. That's pretty cool. A little higher. A little higher. You can use your hands. I don't have to. All right. Great. That's pretty cool. That's fine. I feel like I caught you at an awake moment so we could go for a little while. Isn't that weird? I just put my whole hat up just using my eyebrows.

Kind of makes you think what else you could do with your eyebrows. Maybe they could do a podcast. They're shy. That's very good. What do you call a baker that doesn't know how to raise bread? Yeets me.

Whoa, eyebrows. That's pretty good. All right. This is If I Were You, an advice show after all. We're here to dispense our wisdom, to dispense our guidance.

People who need our help getting out of sticky situations, every Monday, brand new, free episode on our RSS feed. Anybody can subscribe, listen wherever podcasts are sold. Correct. But every other Thursday, we make a bonus video episode for our Patreon, for our day ones. Thank you so much for subscribing.

Cheers. And thank you for not sharing the link because otherwise it's just open season. What the fuck? Chaos. What do we even do? for not sharing the link, because otherwise, it's just open season, bedlam, chaos, pandemonium. So this one is written, by a guy, whose name,

will remain, hidden, so we can preserve, his anonymity. Correct. Even though it's a Patreon episode. Yep. Even though it's behind a paywall, we still gotta preserve his,

silence, his privacy. In fact, we'll call him Privy. Oh. Privy, G, silence,

Privy. Because you guys are Privy, to his plight. Exactly. But you're not Privy. Privy G Silence 3. Because you guys are privy to his plight. Exactly. But you're not privy to his privacy. For an extra $5, I'll tell you his full name. I'll pay it. Wait, never mind. Hey, guys.

I recently became sexually active with my girlfriend of four months. Nice. We had sex, and it was great. Awesome. But I wanted to be able to please her in a way only a mouth can do. Savage. Also, I wanted to try it out. So when I first started, I noticed immediately that she was sopping wet already.

Epic. Not that that was kind of a problem. But after a minute or so of what I considered amateur work down there, she told me she had already come. And then when I kept going, she said she had come multiple times when I finished. Oh, yeah. I had heard that girls are usually pretty hard to crack. So it boggled me that it came so easily for her. Oh, do you think she was lying? Or is it possible she comes easily slash I have a magic tongue? P.S. Listen to the podcast since day one and I always wanted to write in. Now I have finally something worth asking.

So do you think this lady is lying or this guy is just so good at going downtown? He has the gift of a god. A golden tongue. So quick and fierce that this lady has had multiple orgasms instantly and efficiently and effectively. He's got a tongue like a vibrator.

Huh? Maybe he has a vibrating tongue. Oh, that's cool. Sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize. Does it matter? I guess.

Does it matter? Does anything matter? We shouldn't get the podcast to the point where we ask, does it matter? I guess. Does it matter? Does anything matter? We shouldn't get the podcast to the point where we ask, does it matter? Because the answer is always no. Because nothing matters. Nothing matters. Because we're all just little flecks of dust floating through space and time. Right.

And weathers are small because you're small. Because the world is small. Because the universe is small. Because time is meaningless. And we're all going to be dead. We exist just for a flicker in the grand scheme of the cosmos. Your pain means nothing, but that's okay because your happiness also means nothing.

Your successes, your triumphs, your failures, your downfalls, it's all nothing. There's no difference between an ant and,'s say a mass murderer in the grand scheme of things. Everything will be forgotten even our heroes, even our gods. Nothing can be recorded past when the sun swallows us whole. That's right. So is this chick lying

about this dude going down on it? What dude? Dude! I would say it seems like they're both pretty, like, inexperienced with sex. So maybe this, like, her first time with experiencing cunnilingus was so hot to her that she did have multiple orgasms. And that's fine. I mean, that's great. And he did say that she was, and I would never say this about a woman, especially one that I don't know, but he described her as sopping wet.

Jesus Christ. I mean, she was absolutely sopping. Maybe that's because he was slobbering all over her. He was slobbing. She was sopping. He was sobbing. He was sobbing. So a lot of that was tears getting mixed into the fluid.

Interesting. I would say maybe it doesn't matter. She's clearly enjoying herself or at the very least enjoying lying to you. Right. You can pry maybe a little bit. If you cry, you can pry maybe a little bit. That's true. I would like to ask just one question real quick on the sly.

Great slam poetry. Are you lying? Why do you lie? And if she says no, your work here is done. Yeah, I think that your question could be like really, and then say something like I want to

try stuff that you really like, so let me know. Give her the opportunity to guide your performance. Guide the lied. Because this is the beginning of something that will happen more often as you guys have more and more

sexual intercourse and experiences. It's harder for a guy to lie. Right. If someone's blowing you, you can't be like, oh, I came. Yeah, it was so good. And then your mouth comes up super dry.

No. No, you did not. Huh. Really? I came. Yeah, it was so good. And then your mouth comes up super dry. No. No, you did not. Huh. Really? I swore that I nutted a big one. You have to believe me. This relationship is built on trust after all. I guess if you're a guy and you need to lie about coming during a blowjob,

you can pull your penis out and turn away or put it into a towel. A glass of milk. It doesn't put it into a glass of milk. It doesn't have to be a glass of milk. Ideally it would be a little thimble of glue. It doesn't need to be thimble. It could be a little Dixie cup filled with I don't know. Would it be filled with sugar? Why sugar?

Because that would soak to the cum. Sort of sop it up. There is no cum. Because we're talking about faking an orgasm yeah so you would just have a Dixie cup filled with sand

or sugar and then she's not going to inspect it you could just say it just it drifted to the bottom like a little ant farm

yeah but why did well why did what sorry babe I feel like don't call me babe third degree what's with like

what's going on here like I thought we had a fun time I came into the fucking Dixie cup filled with sand I don't even want to role play this with you

okay just stuck my dick in the sugar I stuck my dick in the sugar do you believe me that I exploded

but why do you have to have the sugar why can't it be an empty cup if anything because empty cups you can't lie about whether or not they got filled with sperm. But she can look in the cup and it'll be like sugar in there.

And she'll be like, you didn't cum, it was just sugar in the cup. Why would you fill the cup of fake cum with something that's clearly not the cum? Okay. Alright. I feel like I had to get frustrated with you to break through and to give you that point, which is really obvious.

And I don't understand. Maybe you have a disorder that doesn't let you cure reason. A small bowl of dry oatmeal. Right. Okay, so now you even like... So you roll over like you suggested. You just want to put something dry and powdery in the cup. Ideally, yeah, like a dry powdery...

And then I pointed out what was wrong. And you realized for a second. And then you changed it to a bowl. You didn't just change the receptacle. A bowl of oatmeal. You didn't change. Dry, like kind of the dry. The dry.

You know, like the instant. Yeah. Do you see why this is silly? Yeah. Because this semen would still be spotted or not. I don't know. Why is it bad? Tell me.

Because this semen would still be spotted. Spotted. On top of the oats. Why is it bad? Tell me. Because this even would still be spotted. Spotted. On top of the oats. You got it. You're there. Yeah, whether there's oats in a bowl. We're talking about how you can fake orgasm into a cup or a bowl, okay? And you're suggesting baselessly, for no reason at all, to no benefit, that the cup or the bowl be filled with sand

or sugar you don't have to guide me because I remember what you said so the active listening exercise is unnecessary for me so I just walked you through the entire thing and maybe you didn't hear because you keep on repeating what if I blew my load

into a bucket of hummus? Who says no to that? That's closer, but it's getting away from the point which is faking an orgasm. I think you're hung up on coming into sugar.

I want to... Coming into hummus. I want to sort of make appetizers with my seed. I want you to come over appetizers with my seed. I want you to come over. I'm not involved. You want me to come over for what?

I want you to dip a chip into something, like a seven layer. Into something? You just walked us through all of the different things you wanted to come into. And then you invited me over to dip my chip into, you cryptically said something. I know what it is. I'm making my famous bucket of hummus with a little tahini on the top. Right.

I guess anybody watching or listening could scrub back like two minutes ago where you said that you were going to come into the hummus. Yeah, that's true. You said, I want to blow my load into hummus. And then you also said you wanted me to come over. Yeah, just like for tea sandwiches. So all the pieces are there.

Right. Alright, I get that. Is it possible that she comes easily? Yes. I would think so. Alright. Congratulations. Anything is possible. We agree on that. We agree. So, take the lie or take the compliment.

Either way, you're doing good. Right, there's no need to, like, mine for the truth here. She told you you did good at eating her out. You just, like, enjoy that. I'll take that compliment. Yeah. I've never been complimented

for anything romantic or sexual. Right, well, yeah, that makes sense. I'm bad at kissing. I'm bad at cuddling. I've been known to be cold and sharp when it comes to, like, hugging. It feels like you're hugging an ice sculptor, I've been told. I'm very bony. I was at the Hanukkah party where you, like, you hugged your old high school friend and she, like, she drew back and she drew blood.

Yeah, she's cut. She's cut for it. Are your shoulder blades very slender and sharp to the touch? Yeah, I have all my bones. Oh, yeah, when you hunch, your shirt tore on the side right there. Yeah, yeah. I'm a very bony, sharp man, and it comes through in coitus and all the way down to a handshake.

I've been told it's like greeting Freddy Krueger to meet me. It's all scary, dark, and painful. It's like Eddie Scissorhands holding hands. Yeah, it's like that. It's like Eddie Scissorhands. What, did you go to high school with him? You call him Eddie? You got on a fucking half-name basis with Edward?

Scissorhands? Eddie Scissorhands? You're on the same Little League team? I'm sorry. I was just trying to have fun with the joke that we were doing. I just feel like. No, I know. Yeah.

Me too. Yeah. You call me out on everything. You call me out on everything. I know. It's kind of fun to have fun on the podcast. I'm just having fun with you. Yeah, no, you're not.

I'm having a good time. As long as you're having fun. As long as one of us is having a good time. Because I'm having a shitty time. Yeah. Because you call me out on every little flub that that i do thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two

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These are some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't necessarily know. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you

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Limited time offer. See terms at picks6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Sup, dudes. Ooh. Writes our next emailer.

We'll call him Janus Winston Churchill the third. Sup dudes, I'll jump right in. I don't believe in love. How's that? Need I read on? What's his name?

Janus Winston Churchill the third. Alright. I don't believe in love, but I've really liked this What's his name? Janus Winston Churchill III. All right. I don't believe in love, but I've really liked this one woman for like eight years. She used to live out of state and would visit me for the summer. We spent almost all of one of those visits together and hooked up once. We didn't do anything beyond some makeouts and wet snuggles after that and only hung out once more for her summer visits. However, she told me that

she had feelings for me. We've been talking recently and I'm still very attracted to her. She just told me that she's attracted to me, thinks I'm cute, and I reciprocated. But the next day, she said that she didn't want to talk and she feels weird now. We've been texting mildly since, though she doesn't seem too into it. I want to tell her how I feel and that I never stopped liking her, even when I found an interest in other women. Do you think I should send the following text? Great. So this question is a yes or no. That's right.

Hey, I want you to know some things, and I want to try to make some things clear. I can understand why you wouldn't want to be around someone who's moody. I don't think I am. And if I was, then I think you need to be more understanding and forgiving. Oh, wow. I do get very excited and happy when I'm around you, or even just thinking about you. I do like you very, very much. And I never got over you

from a million years ago i think you're the best and i have never and will never meet or be able to be with someone of your incredibleness i think that you are too insecure for your own good. And that needs to stop. This is all one text. And that needs to stop completely. It keeps going. I know you've probably had a million guys say this kind of stuff. No.

And they've probably said it and been a million times better. He's so mad. But I need to. He's such a bad writer. I can't even continue. continue so please try to empathize it makes me immeasurably sad that you won't talk to me in an ideal world that's the full sentence after that you won't talk to me period in an ideal world period you and me would be together forever and i've never thought about and i've never not thought about that don't think i'll find someone else because i haven't in a million years i don't believe in love of course but i know i've never felt that same way about anyone else

question mark in a million years that ends the text it ends on a question mark and it's not even a question it ends on a question mark incorrectly but I know I've never felt that same way about anyone else or have I is this a bad idea

should I just leave it alone and walk away I have a very hard time making friends of course so your advice would be invaluable. Thank you, my brohemians. Ah. Holy shit. Okay. Send it. I have

no notes. Really? Yeah. Not even the... I think she would be floored. The sentence fragments? At least find a new benchmark for a lot. A million years and ever. Forever in a million years is just like you build to that one it's all the same amount of time to her because a million years will have come and gone and she'll be dead by then right i think that you are too insecure for your own good and that needs to stop completely right so getting controlling in the text right

away right off the bat is a little much he seems mean to her in it right you've had a million guys say this kind of stuff and it's been said a million times better probably but i need to uh what was the part about how uh he understands that she he's moody, but he's not moody? Yeah. I can understand why you wouldn't want to be around someone who's moody. I don't think I am. And if I was, I think you need to be more understanding. Right.

So that directly contradicts his premise there. I understand you don't want to be around somebody moody. And then by the end of the sentence you say, you need to but you need to be around someone moody. So he is moody. I don't think that I am, but if I am you need to be more forgiving to me. So right in that

sentence you sort of confessed to being moody. I don't believe in love. He said that to us and now he says that to her i think whether or not he believes in love he seems to be in some sort of weird passionate like for this lady uh and that's why my advice would be to not send this text yeah i wouldn't i would i would do like um i would do therapy yeah and then maybe like a text that says hey hey haha hey what's up or something like that yeah like a text that says, hey, hey, ha ha, hey, what's up? Or something like that. Yeah.

Like, a lot of times when you get into these like relationships where like the stakes feel super high and kind of weird from the get go, it's like, I think it's just, it makes for a doomed relationship. It's never good. Because where do you escalate from there? Yeah, it's such a weird shaky foundation. You have to start on a carefree light yeah go out there fall in love with yourself become like the person you've always wanted to be and then maybe this person will want to be with you by the way he called the subject texting the one so i think he does believe in love because he is his subject line sort of connotes his soulmate or an idea that this lady is the only person on earth for him.

I'd love to do a follow-up pop on this guy. Yeah, did he pull the trigger? Were we too late? And what was the response? But what if the lady is equally as insane as this guy? Where she's like, I also think that in a million years I can forgive you and not be moody. But if that's not what you need, then I need to be with you for a million years. There's no such thing as love, but I've never liked anybody. And I only

ever think about you in the last million years. Oh, do you think that way about someone else? Question mark. Uh, yeah. So don't send the text and, uh, don't pursue this relationship. You're not ready. Learn how to write good. That's the key. All right, let's get to one last quickie, all right? Here we go. Trying to find a quick one. One hit.

Hey guys, I was watching Emily and Murph's new show, Hot Date. Okay. And there was a bit about reusing lingerie and it got me thinking, where's the line between things you can and cannot bring into a new relationship? Murph's new show, Hot Date. Okay. And there was a bit about reusing lingerie, and it got me thinking, where's the line between things you can and cannot bring into a new relationship? I feel like lingerie should be okay,

but what about things like jewelry, an old hoodie, a vibrator I used on another guy, butt accessories? I'm sure there's a line somewhere here, but I would like to hear what you guys think about it. If you were put in the position of the new relationship guy, thanks a bunch.

Yeah, sex accessories for sure. Yeah, so like you can wear the same hoodie across two relationships. But if you used a vibrator to butt plug a guy, maybe don't bring that into the new relationship. Right, because you'd really hate to find out that like some other guy's butt was inside your butt yeah after the fact yeah it's like when somebody uses your toothbrush but times a million yeah um i have you ever had when i was younger i uh was jealous and i had a girlfriend who like had an ex-boyfriend's shirt and i was like furious that she wouldn't throw it out oh Oh, interesting. I was like so mad. Every time I saw it, I was like I was just seething.

Like, I can't believe you would insult me. But this girl's not even talking about a shirt. She's talking about lingerie, which is stuff that she bought for herself to impress guys. Right. And sometimes it was the guy before you, and sometimes

you're the new guy. But it's not like you need a full new wardrobe on a girlfriend. No. Like, did your ex see you in that bra? Oh, yeah. If your ex saw that bra, then you have to change your bra. If you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend that says shit like that, immediately break up with them. Lingerie is a weird thing.

It's more than just underwear, right? It's like sexy stuff. It doesn't do it for me. You like lingerie? I don't give a shit at all about lingerie. Lingerie just feels like an 80s, 90s term. Like I don't know if I've had specific lingerie moments as much as I've had underwear moments. Is there like a specific difference between the two? What do you mean lingerie moments versus underwear moments?

Like if a lady is in a bra and underwear, is that lingerie or does it have to be a specific type of bra and underwear like lacy, garters? Yeah, I believe it's like a sexy, specific type of. Like it's not,

it's not underwear you'd like wear with your regular outfits because it's like less supportive. It's more like sexy. It's like, hold on,

let me, let me put on this. Go from clothed to nude back into lingerie. Or maybe you like wear the lingerie like on a date that you know

you're going to like have sex at the end of. No, I don't think that's happened to me. It just doesn't do it at all for me. Because it's too much effort? Yeah, it reeks of effort. I like just the natural old underwear. That shit gets you going.

Have you ever worn a woman's lingerie, like a woman's underwear on a date, and that way when it got time to do the nasty, you said, surprise, I'm wearing a Victoria's Secret thong. So you've never had sex? Not sex. I've had dinner. Right, of course. Yeah. I've had an omelet.

You've eaten meals. Yeah, I just haven't had sex. You've never been on a date? No. But you've had an omelet. You've eaten meals. Yeah. I just haven't had sex. Right. You've never been on a date? No. But you've had lunch? Yes. You've like...

Like I've had a vacation. Yeah. I just haven't... You've taken a Lyft. Yes. I've taken a Lyft and an Uber. I've just never had sex in it or out of one. Right.

Yeah. Have you ever kissed a lady? Not kissed, but I've talked to one online. Okay. So you don't have to like, I feel like you qualify all this stuff with like something else that you did. Right. But the things that you do are pretty. I don't have love, but I have a wallet.

Yeah. Yeah. It's so innocuous. It's so casual. It's so like ubiquitous. Everybody has a wallet. Yeah. I'm just saying.

Everyone's had dinner. You either have one or the other. Huh? No. I chose wallet. Do you have a wallet? No, I don't have a wallet. See, that's what I'm talking about. You have loose change in your pocket. Yeah, I keep my money loose in my pocket and I have sex.

Yeah, and I'm the other way. I'm the polar opposite. No love, no sex, none of that stuff. Right. But like the way my bills are kept are in like a nice leather bifold. I also just realized I never had dinner. Really? Yeah.

Is that why you're so tired all the time? Maybe it is a little bit of a trade-off. Because what's the other shit that you said you did? Vacation. Oh, I never had a vacation. Lyft, Uber, wallet. I took a New York City taxi one time.

That's close, but it's not exactly right. Right. It really needs to be a Nissan Sentra driven by a 18-year-old stranger. Wow.

Yeah. I've never done any of that shit. Yeah. I guess that's a trade-off. Yeah. All right. Well,

that's why we get along. Opposites attract, I guess. You're sleeping. All right. That's it. That's our time, I guess. You're sleeping. All right. That's it. That's our time. 30 minutes.

Up 30 minutes down. Ad-free bonus video episode. Thanks to those of you who subscribed so far. We'll be back soon enough with another episode of this. Toda. Later. Later. Later.

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Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later.

Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later.

Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. you. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If only I were you. Shark.com.

That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes

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