Segments - Testing Testing: SCUBA
Episode Date: July 22, 2021Back on a Thursday again, testing Amir's SCUBA Certification. Kind of a deep dive into Amir's expertise of diving deep.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at htt...ps://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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This is a HeadGum Original.
All right, we're back.
Another episode of our limited bonus Thursday style testing, testing podcast.
Yes, that's right.
We're back on a Thursday.
We're testing each other.
We're quizzing each other.
I've got queries for you this week.
I've actually pulled out two really interesting quizzes for you.
Wow, so last week was a spelling bee that I administered for you.
This week, you went rogue.
And I passed.
You went ham and you went psycho. And you said, I'm going to find two quizzes that'll stump your ass.
I'm liable to go, Michael, take your pick.
That's right.
And actually, you can take your pick because we have two quizzes.
But you know what?
Fuck it.
I'm going to take my pick.
I'm giving you first a scuba diving certification quiz.
Oh, this is going to be easy.
I thought you were going to do something like insane like ap us history questions if it's just scuba cert like patty style uh scuba cert
then i think i would be able to get them all scuba cert yeah you like new like i know what
scuba stands for if that's one of the questions so we could just skip that right now actually that
was it's not one of the questions
because if you're gonna get on boat if you're gonna don your goggles if you're gonna tank up
you better believe you should know uh that scuba it's not just a slang it stands for something
really it's an acronym um yeah you don't wait you said you knew you said no i do know i do know that
i do know that right okay what does it stand for scuba
yeah you think i don't you really think i don't uh jake
i know scuba is not like just a random word it means like s c u b a right if you see scuba
written out in lowercase, that's not right.
It should be all uppercase.
If you're trying to scuba-du-ba-do, yeah, you know that it's an acronym.
You know that it stands for self-containing underwater breathing apparatus. Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus. Final answer. That's fine. Yep. Yeah. Breathing apparatus.
Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus.
Final answer.
That's correct.
So let's jump right in to see if you can get certified to scuba dive. A standard way to prevent decompression sickness is a decompression stops, gradual ascent, a high-speed ascent, megadosing with vitamin D, or adding methane to breathing gas.
All right.
It's not a vitamin D deficiency thing.
Like, this is a fucking big-ass problem, compression.
I guess it feels like you're being strangled, suffocated, submerged by the weight of the ocean around you so it's like all right how
do i get out of that and one of them is to add methane which i think is like what happens when
cows fart to your fucking tank no no i don't want to add fucking manure to my scuba suit so get rid
of that one get rid of the vitamin d what were the other two so it's the decompression stops, which is parentheses, a gradual ascent or a high speed ascent.
So you're deciding really between like coming up slowly or coming up fast.
Everything about scuba is slow.
Like there's not like, I bet they're not like, don't fucking rush shit.
Like the answer is never to like sprint somewhere because they're like no go go go we have
to see all the fish all the coral now now now the oceans is big and there's not enough time
yeah doing it fast i bet is what you would panic and do but as a scuba sort of guy i'm a jacuzzo
of myself i know that the best thing to do is to stay calm, keep calm, and carry on.
Give me that slow and gradual ascent.
Yeah, you don't want to get the bends.
That's correct.
That's correct.
Gradual ascent.
And it's that easy.
Like, when you're smart, you don't have to have knowledge.
You just have to know how shit works.
And, like, I've been around the block enough to know how shit works.
That's the first question.
That's the first question of 10.
So let's really, before you get a big head about this, let's see if you know the tendency
of a liquid to push a lighter object to the surface is called what?
Buoyancy?
The tendency of a liquid to push things to the stop.
That is buoyancy. I don't even need to hear the stop that that is buoyancy i don't even need
to hear the other options you don't want to know if it's torque i know what it is decompression
compression no way buoyancy yeah buoyancy you're right you're right holler at your buoyancy because
i am now two for two fully patty scuba certified yeah and i will all right well actually fishes and now and now that you
know about buoyancy when you have reached your desired depth when you were in the ocean where
you want to be you want to have what negative buoyancy neutral buoyancy or positive buoyancy
easy like all this shit is not hard for me because I know how shit works.
And whether it's in the sky, on land, or under the sea, like I can just use common sense to figure this stuff out.
Right.
Like, yeah.
So for me, you want to just be sort of cruising down there, not being pushed up or down.
So the goat buoyancy is actually, quite frankly, the neutral buoyancy.
And it's not even close.
As a neutral boy, you see, I actually prefer neutral buoyancy.
So for me, it's sort of like a whatever. This has been an easy test of my intelligence, three-for-three style education.
This next one's actually, well, this, is careful because this next one's actually really easy.
So you better not fuck
this one up. Which of these
is a
confined water environment?
A bay?
No. A river?
Yeah, right.
Offshore shallows?
I don't think so.
Or D, a swimming pool or tank.
What was the question again?
Which of these,
which of these is a confined water environment?
Swimming pool.
Easy.
I go swimming in a pool all the time and it's confined where the other stuff is
just like random shit.
Like a river.
What about the offshore shallows
i don't even know what that is because i don't need to know what it is all right because i'm
four over four and i'm ready to jump into the fucking ocean now we're getting a little bit
tougher by the way like a little tougher now this isn't even my area of expertise like i'm more of
like a math number sort of history buff.
So for me to also know this means I have zero weaknesses in my like intelligence game.
I tried to find math quizzes and they're hard to come by.
A good one.
Yeah, for sure.
Anyway.
Okay.
The cylinder.
The cylinder.
Now we're talking scuba slang when you're at the tiki bar post dive.
People are talking about, oh, yeah, I had a problem with my cylinder, mate.
It's the air tank.
Okay.
It's not the pressure gauge.
It's not the light.
It's not the rebreather.
It's the tank.
It's the tank because it's a fucking two cylinders, actually.
That's what I go down with.
And the tank is dank, good you um okay okay what is the opposite
of confined water this one's too easy it's open water it's absolutely you don't want to see the
other ones yeah open water style swimming scuba diving right yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow.
This one's too easy.
I'm not even going to give it to you.
Wow.
Okay.
Hold on.
Yeah.
I just keep thinking about natural buoyancy,
and I can't, like, get over it.
I kind of consider myself to have natural buoyancy, too.
That's why I'm doing so well.
Like, I never feel too much pressure or too little.
It just is right most excuse me most
recreational divers use a set that let them breathe through the blank nose and mouth nose only
or mouth only so this one is actually interesting because like you can totally breathe through your mouth, right?
That's obvious.
Like that's how I'm most breathings do like go by that style of breathing.
Nose is good in terms of breathing in through your nose, out through your mouth.
That's what they say is a sort of relaxation circular model of breathing in through the nose i have a deviated septum about
that kind of shit so i don't actually get a lot of air through my nose so i can narrow it down to
nose and mouth or just nose
do most people not use their mouth at all?
Is it just for exhaling?
I mean, I wouldn't do it that way,
but I can see a world where it's like I'm a cool guy
and I had like a fucking salmon salad sandwich for lunch
and I just breathe through my nose
because like I'm so calm, naturally buoyant and fine.
Yeah, I'm zen, I'm zaddy, I'm so calm, naturally buoyant and fine. Yeah. I'm zen.
I'm zaddy.
I'm a zebra.
I am fucking, it's easy because it's black and white and it's striped and I'm breathing
through.
Final answer, nose only.
Mouth only.
You eliminated the one right answer.
It was a joy to sit here and hear you labor over the two wrong ones.
I was giddy.
I was afraid my mirth was going to tip my hat.
So not a perfect score.
Yeah, I guess not.
I guess not at the end of the day. Your diver certification card will also be called a C-card, log card, aqua pass, carte de mer.
Wow. because all these scuba people are probably getting laid
slash head
before and after
so I'm trying to think
I'm trying to think
like
if not vcard
actually
give me the break to think about it
let's thank a fucking sponsor
and I'm going to come back and I'm going to figure it out.
All right, then we're going on to the next quiz.
Okay.
Okay.
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it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah
all right we're back give me the give me the options again the the right the pat that the
card that you need to fucking go scuba diving is also known as
what your c card your log card your aqua pass and your cart do mail c card is that c apostrophe
card or sea card oh it's c dash c a r d letter c the letter c okay and the last one is like kind of makes me think like why
would they throw in a french one if it was not even that like how fucked up would it be because
they they think we all think that jacques Cousteau invented invented this shit so like now everything
has to be a slight french thing i mean c-pass is just a hell no that's a no for me dog you mean aqua world aqua pass
yeah that's like some marvel avatar level bad writing aqua pass is a bad answer there's no
way they settled on that and then what was that fourth option log card that's just hard to say why would you need a log card a long card certification so now i'm down to
c card the c but then that's such a stupid question a certification card is also called
a c card all right yeah that's fine somebody uses that slang i'm gonna go they wouldn't trip me up
with the french give me a car du mer aka the water card of the sea wow wrong answer the
diver certification card is casually known as the sea card wow i feel like a c card for getting that
one wrong actually how many do i need to get how many do i you that was the last
that was the last question you passed you get your cert you can actually get your cert and still
answer eight of ten questions wrong wow so you're saying i have my call to mail even though i got a
b minus yeah no i don't i actually don't i don't know how the test itself works i'm just gonna say that you i imagine you
pass with eight out of ten that can't be it can't be more intense than the driver's uh license one
okay um so now i'm not exactly sure how this quiz is gonna get rated at the end of the day
um but what you're taking now is a morality quiz. We're going to see
if you have a moral compass. How do you feel about that?
I mean, I definitely do. I don't know why we need to take a test to figure that out.
If you really wanted to know what was inside, would you open your partner's mail?
If you really wanted to know.
Yeah, it's really leading.
I just realized that there are multiple choice.
The answer is, my partner wouldn't mind.
I would never do that.
I would ask my partner first. I might open it and reseal it i think the right answer is i might open it and reseal it right because that way you
if you really wanted to know and you can lose on the right answer peak
it's just if you're a moral person or not what would you do yeah i would not look i would not
look because it's never worth it you're gonna feel too guilty what if you find something then
you can't even fucking use it against your partner because it's like how did you find it and it's
like i'll tell you how i found it i looked through your mail and then if you're really wrong it's
like that's actually not my mail and now you're in trouble and i didn't do anything wrong and then you're just a real yeah it's one thing to look through someone's
phone it's another to look through their mail mail that's a federal offense it's actually
it's a a white collar crime i think i also can't imagine anything in the mail being bad like all
i get in the mail is like you owe this or here's a $4 check. Yeah, it's either, it's most of it, 95%,
you need to open it
just to make sure that you can throw it away,
but you always can.
This is opening your partner's mail.
The modern equivalent of this is it's a DM.
That's what the equivalent is.
Right, which you open your partner's DMs,
and that would be fucked up
because then that shows seen,
and if they're flirting with someone,
that's not a cool move.
So don't do that to your partner either.
Do you believe that it's right or wrong to sample the grapes while you shop?
Yeah.
The multiple choice here, you have to pick from the list.
You've got to pick from the list.
One grape ain't too bad.
It's stealing.
I think it's
simply testing out the merchandise.
It's not right,
but other things are worse.
And I prefer
to try the free samples.
I mean, three of those are right
at the same time. It is
not right, but other things are worse
murder is worse than grapes so like that one is correct i prefer the free samples also true
i prefer when people are giving out the free samples are like usually cheese so that's good
yeah and then i mean there's the bigger moral issue of like can you fucking steal one grape
from a whole foods that's owned by amazon yeah that's i'm sure fine in the bigger moral issue of like, can you fucking steal one grape from a Whole Foods that's owned by Amazon?
Yeah, that's, I'm sure, fine in the grandest scheme of things.
You're not supposed to do it, especially during COVID times.
People are fucking licking their fingers, squeezing a grape.
And like, where do you draw the line?
Can I bite into an apple and put it back?
I'm just sampling the merch.
This one was mealy, so I'm going to put it back, bite side facing the merch this one was mealy so i'm gonna put it back bite side
facing down uh i wouldn't do it because i don't love grapes enough to steal but ultimately i'll
go with it's bad but there are other things that are worse like literally anything else right this
is the lightest bad thing a human it's definitely not stealing. I think it's fine. Okay.
All right.
Here's another.
Your best friend's partner might be cheating, but you're not sure.
Do you say something?
Your multiple choice is, it's not really my business.
I would have to say something.
I need proof before I say anything.
I am more likely to confront the partner.
So let's, this is come up in If I Were You as well.
This is like a borderline advice question.
And I think we landed on,
if you're closer to the person getting cheated on,
you should tell them.
Like you have no loyalty to the
partner that's like doing the badge yeah so if it's your best friend yeah you should tell them
but also of course you should you know make sure you know for sure at first otherwise you're just
raising alarm bells for no reason right i need I need proof before I say anything. Yeah, and the proof is often in the
pudding. Absolutely.
You're digging
through a jacuzzi looking
for semen samples. That's what you
said. Well, I have this
picture of Jill getting, I guess she
went to a pudding store with this dude.
Really? I don't know if you know about this. Tucker?
Travis? Yeah, it's Travis.
It's Travis. Yeah yeah they're sort of
sharing a vanilla yogurt yep really yep so you know you get that jill always told me she she
hated fro-yo whenever i asked her to she wanted to go to 16 handles it's not a fro-yo i guess it's
a it's a wet pudding sample that she's getting with Travis. And it looks like tapioca from the licks of things.
Have you ever gotten boba with her?
No.
Jill told me she doesn't like it.
I love boba tea, but she said she doesn't feel like having a boba usually.
And she doesn't like to be seen with me in public.
Yeah, it's probably the scene thing.
She's hanging out with her
her dude scene which i guess it's pronounced sean s-e-a-n getting tapioca milk balls on broom street
next question yeah you notice that one of your co-workers never has lunch what do you do about it i'll slack the company i'll
sort of say in a grand fashion hey has anyone realized jeff's never fucking eating with us
and he said that he brought a sandwich from home but i haven't seen it either
what does everyone have to say about that so i'll sort of turn his little anxious moment what's going on big yeah big
gesture but let's see what the quiz has to say uh maybe they're on a diet i'm sure maybe i would
make i'm sure i would make an extra i would ask them out to i would ask them out for lunch, my treat, and I try to stay out of other people's problems.
What year was this written? 1959?
1922. It's fucking crazy.
Me personally, I try to stay out of people's problems. I'm not like walking over to a coworker and be like, hey, lunch on me today. I've noticed you haven't actually eaten with us for four days,
and I'm starting to get bored. I'd make an extra. I would make an extra. I have a bowl of pasta
bolognese, and I come over and I say, I noticed you haven't had, and I don't know if it's because
you have a problem or because you're broke or something
really really loud but anyway i made extra italian and it's in you go to the kitchen
tupperware yeah it's freezing in the middle and it's separated it's starting to ice
is this why you don't eat with me um all right if you saw are into ice. Drop it on their laptop.
Is this why you don't eat with me?
Alright, if you saw someone shoplifting,
would you alert security?
The options are I would let the cashier know.
They might be dangerous. I'll just
leave. I'm totally telling
security. And knowing
me, I would speak
up. It's funny because the i wouldn't do anything uh
makes you a little bit like problematic too they might be dangerous i'll just leave so this it's
like there's no there's no option that's just like i don't care about that this is the other side of
um the grape question where it's right you see so yeah we've established that
you would never take a grape now imagine you saw someone else do it do you tell
uh no god no i'm not getting in the way i'm not doing anything i'm not getting involved in other people's issues absolutely not
yeah knowing me i would yell shoplifter try to pull a fire like the security grab their wrist
citizens arrest i find out it's somebody's restocking shelves um i'm blackballed from target
uh all right let's take one more break come back and i'll try to ace the rest of this morality Um, I'm blackballed from target.
Uh, all right, let's take one more break, come back and I'll try to ace the rest of this morality quiz.
All right.
There's only three more questions, so it's going to be quick.
Okay.
I'll answer slowly.
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That'd be great. Is that available?
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Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and
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Right. Mostly you're just concussed.
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Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast.
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All right. last three questions.
Let's see how moral or amoral I am.
Okay.
You find your roommate's journal.
Are you going to read it?
Let's say it's when we live together.
You find my journal on the coffee table.
The answers are, I might take a little peek.
I'm not that type to violate someone's privacy like that.
There are a few things I would like to know,
and I would put it back in their room and let them know.
Some of these questions like work together or the answers.
It's like,
I wouldn't look.
And then also the next choice is like,
I'm not the kind of guy that would look. So it like yeah you could say both of those things i would try to see if i can
sneak a natural peek like what if it's open face up and i'm just like let me grab the remote slowly
and see if i can make out some choice sentences and see if there's anything about me that way if
somebody's looking at me or trying to catch me, they're not like, oh, that guy stopped the fucking game.
And what happens if you see your name? If you see your name, then what?
I'll take a selfie next to the book. And that way I sort of have a photographic evidence of what's
written. And I can sort of disguise that action as me wanting to take a selfie next to the living
room and then if you if i'm ever called out on it i'll be like i didn't even realize that the
notebook was open but now that it did i'm gonna remove it and put it back in the room just so
you know you're you are trending towards bad guy on that answer yep yeah but at the same time you
don't you don't want to know what people think about you
in their private thoughts like it doesn't behoove you to know that everyone has some pretty nasty
thoughts about everybody yeah what do not society going is that is that we aren't say there's
thoughts yeah that we're not reading each other's journals the world would grind to a halt if people
could see the gall that i fucking have in my journal
when i'm journaling i am without ruth to everybody especially especially myself okay especially ruth
the person behind you in line only has one item do you let them go before you? The options, of course.
I'm not that type of guy.
No, the options are they can wait like everyone else.
Sure.
If it's an elderly person, I would let them go first.
And it depends how many, and it depends, right.
And it depends how many items I have.
Yeah.
Like what if I have two and they have one,
I'm not going to start fucking relitigating the line.
It's not,
that's not the order.
It goes with who got there first.
Sometimes I'll do the fake.
So like it's an old lady and she has like a fucking tv guide under her arm and i have like
a shopping cart filled with frozen food and i'm like oh if you want you can just pass me it's no
big deal and now she's like oh thank you so much i sort of stiff arm her and i say yeah right
absolutely yeah right i don't think so that was a moral test and you failed you should have told
me that it's okay you said you were
willing to cut the line another one of these questions is i would never cut a line even if
someone offered i wouldn't do a scissor a backseat takes the backseat cut that's not right how often
are you in like in a grocery store line where you could let one person jump in front of you i feel like every time i've gone to
the grocery store um it's like a line of a hundred people and there's just like bells dinging on
which one like there's no this is so it's it is it's 1959 you're at the drug you're at your local
drug store yeah but that's not how gross but also you go shopping in new york city the most densely
populated city on earth right slash america so it's a little bit different when you're like in
a line that snakes across around an entire trader joe's versus like a little kroger's in any town
usa all right here is here's our final query.
If it meant protecting a loved one,
would you break the law?
Would I steal a grape for my mother?
The options are... No, I don't think so.
Yeah.
Some laws are meant to be broken.
I do my best to avoid breaking laws.
Again, those two work together.
Yes, of course.
Right.
I do my best to avoid breaking laws, but some laws
are meant to be broken.
I would do anything necessary
to protect my loved ones
and I might break a
small law, but nothing major.
I might break a sweat, but
never a law.
What kind of, like, you have to steal food
to feed your family, that kind of thing?
Yeah, I would assume you have to do that.
Your obligation is to keeping your loved ones alive.
How about Avital is late for an audition on the west side.
She needs a ride and you need to run a couple red lights.
Are you doing that?
No, I'm not going through red lights because that might actually kill us.
So that's what's one law for one favor I would not break.
Okay, Avital has an audition.
Avital has an audition.
Let me finish.
She has an audition.
And she needs final draft to print the script.
But you don't have a license.
Would you download a pirated license of that uh
of that software to open the product uh i would first exercise other avenues like hey does anybody
have final draft download it send me a pdf otherwise yeah i'll pirate software slash
television slash movies that You're under arrest.
You're under arrest for being morally bankrupt.
You do not pass this quiz.
You do not pass the diver certification quiz.
What?
You do not pass Go.
You do not collect $200.
You actually go straight to jail.
And yeah, I just...
Sorry, what was the right answer
for the last one
it's actually
card du maire is the answer
card du maire
no I am swatting your house
right now so
look alive
what do you mean swatting my house
it's where I call in a bomb threat at your
house the swat team shows up and takes you for saying that i would potentially download final
draft in a hypothetical yeah yeah it's a hypothetical is right i haven't actually
done anything we can't start policing future crimes this is minority
report which i also downloaded off kazaa last week and it was dubbed in spanish and i bear shared
that and for what just to fucking go scuba diving with my boys uh all right. I think I proved myself not only worthy to dive,
but to be a productive member of the human race
slash society that I live in.
I think so.
Those are interesting quizzes.
Thank you.
Thank you for taking them.
And we'll be back next Thursday with a brand new quiz
wherein you'll do one for me you said you could steal a grape by
the way earlier you said i'm not above stealing a fucking grape i didn't like i don't know how
this ended up with me being like the miscreant and you just being the arch angel of podcasting
yeah no i'm grapes are stealing don't read your roommate's journal elderly people
cut you in line i made you an extra lunch if you haven't had one etc etc yeah that's cool right and
we're out namaste by the way i see you're stepping on a squirrel right now that's not legal either
you're fucking you're torturing an animal he was stealing grapes he was stealing grapes that was a hit gum original
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That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.
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