Segments - Testing Testing: USA
Episode Date: August 19, 2021Back on a Thursday and testing Jake's knowledge about his home country. Be careful, you may just learn a thing or two.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm .See Privacy Policy at htt...ps://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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This is a HeadGum Original.
Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help.
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And we're back on a freaking Thursday again.
Can you believe it?
Come on.
Yeah.
Wow.
Last week was a fucking roller coaster.
We're doing these tests, you know, quizzing each other.
And you gave me a fatherhood quiz that was basically...
Are you ready to pick that?
Yeah, it could have been written by a Jake and Amir fan.
The answer choices were absurd.
Some of them were borderline, if not 100% illegal.
Way illegal.
Yeah, I think so.
Definitely your dad.
It was like a quiz your dad from Jake and Amir wrote.
Right.
Throw a fucking ham
grilled jizz sandwich style yeah so i wanted to sort of pare back a little bit and let's go for
some classic questions with real definitive quantitative answers oh no it's a fucking math
that's what i love no it's not a math quiz i didn't want to trip you up don't worry
all right eight times 68 i mean there's not even a fucking possibility yeah great
you but that's like one that you know like you would know i would love i would love it i don't
even know how to start put that in your side pocket going forward yeah that's not fair for me to try to figure out i don't even let me write it down
what i would do is eight times 70 and then you take away two of the eights
interesting so you do eight times eight that's 64 and that i know i think yeah
yeah that's correct but but it's eight times 70 right well but then i'm doing eight
times six which is um uh which is of course 30 no wait it's been a fucking long year for everyone
and again this is not even the quiz so like don't worry about this it's 48 so then you need to do eight times seven times 10 which you can do eight times
seven do you know what that is yeah it's uh 56 exactly times 10 oh 560 correct so that's eight
times 70 so eight times 68 is just that number minus two eights. So that number minus 16. That's how I would do it. Yeah.
My brain is so far from being in that mode right now.
Like, yeah.
I mean, even if I was at a clip,
I don't think I could do it.
But like today, I'm fried.
My brain's gone.
Yeah.
It doesn't exist.
So this is, so I gave you,
I wanted to give you something a little more in your wheelhouse.
Porn again. We all, I want to give you something a little more in your wheelhouse. Porn again.
We all want to test if you're a porn again Christian by giving you the porn again test.
So as you know, America is the number one country in the world, correct?
At what?
At like just being good at COVID, figuring it all out, sort of unfiltered capitalism,
making sure that it's the land of the free
and the home of the brave for everybody.
USA, USA, yeah.
But did you know that not everybody gets to be a US citizen?
Of course we are because you were born in America
and my parents became citizens before I was 18.
So I was sort of ushered into US citizenship.
But if you were not either of those things,
you have to take a test to become a U.S. citizen.
You have to do a lot of other shit,
but at the end of the day,
you have to take a U.S. citizenship test.
Yeah, and I'm actually, I am a patriot.
You can call me Eagle or Golden Eagle if you prefer.
All right, Golden Eagle.
Who are your state's U.S. senators?
My state?
Yep, that's right.
You live in New York.
Who's the New York?
This is just an example of a quiz, a question that they ask you before you become U.S. citizen.
Well, I know one.
I know one of them.
That's not an issue.
Yeah.
It's Chuck Schumer.
That's right.
Yeah.
Lazy Charles.
Right.
Greedy Chuck.
I thought it was Cryin' Chuck. Oh, yeah. Cryin' Chuck. Right. Greedy Chuck. I thought it was Cryin' Chuck.
Oh, yeah, Cryin' Chuck.
Yeah.
He fake cried or he really cried.
Both are embarrassing.
One's a lie, one's not manly.
So Chuck Schumer, definitely one.
I'll say majority leader, actually, Chuck Schumer.
Richard Blumenthal is the other one.
That's a good guess, and it's sort of somebody that I could be related to.
No, it's not.
It's She Ran for President.
It's a woman.
It's Kirsten Gillibrand.
That's right.
Good job.
You nailed it.
Schumer and Gillibrand, a.k.a. Gillibrand, a.k.a. Gillalabrand.
So, so far, you're 1-0.
You can almost become a U.S. citizen.
Okay.
And honestly, that was one of the hardest ones that I found.
Interesting.
There were a lot of easy ones that I'm like, I'm not going to give them this one.
Like, what day is the birthday of America?
Like, that kind of shit.
Like, no.
I'm not fucking giving you a layup.
I want you to become a U.S. citizen.
I want to earn my citizenship.
The stars and the stripes. That's right. I want to ask you the questions that citizen i'm asking i want to earn my citizenship the stars and the stripes
that's right i want to ask you the questions that i didn't know the answers to for example say can
you see you didn't know your state senators i did not i knew no i knew one of them but not the other
one interesting cool when was the Constitution written? Hmm.
I assumed it was 1776.
That's not the case.
Right, because it would have been after.
Yeah.
There's the Declaration of Independence.
Right.
So it would have been after the Revolutionary War,
which I think went until 1782.
Uh-huh.
So I'll say 1783.
Close, 1787. So I'll say 1783. Close. 1787.
Wow.
I also don't know if that's how long the Revolutionary War lasted. Yeah, neither do I.
Okay, we're 50% citizens right now.
Okay.
Name the five wars fought by the United States in the 1900s.
Five wars in the 1900s.
Let's go. I'm not not gonna go in order okay i don't have that
fucking capability yeah yeah but we'll say um we'll say world war one and world war two
obviously the first two gone right off the bat vietnam easy not a problem bingo bingo bongo three
of five might as well say Desert Storm.
Yes, sir.
The Persian Gulf War in the early 90s.
You're down to the last war.
I mean, it's got to be the Cold War against our Soviet enemies.
It's not.
That was technically not a war.
It was more like...
Okay, the Iraqi War.
The war in Iraq.
That was the Persian Gulf, a.k.a. Desert Storm. That's all of like... Okay, the Iraqi War. The war in Iraq. That was the Persian Gulf, aka Desert Storm.
That's all the same.
Okay, well then hold on.
There was a war...
You at Ellis Island.
Actually, don't actually turn me back yet, because I'm still fucking thinking.
Give me...
Is it early 1900s or late?
It's like the 50s, I believe.
It's the war in Asia that we...
Yeah, that's right.
Korean War.
Kind of the most forgotten one.
We don't really think about the Korean war.
I mean,
clearly,
uh,
who is the chief justice of the United States right now?
Uh,
Kennedy.
You could really, you don't have to just shout out the the last president that you remember
like oh there's a there's a kennedy there's a judge well i am thinking about it um it's not
clarence thomas no obviously obviously yeah um It's not any of the new guys.
No.
They haven't earned it.
You have the Gorsuch.
I don't think so.
It's not that good.
Sotomayor, no.
She wouldn't get that.
It's too far left.
But that's why I think it's Justice Kennedy.
It is John Roberts.
Oh, wait. That's what I was trying to think Roberts. Oh, wait.
That's what I was trying to think of.
Oh, okay.
So, yeah, you could be a citizen as long as you promise.
Kennedy, did Kennedy retire?
Actually, Kennedy might have retired, and that's why Kavanaugh was sitting there.
Anyway.
I'm a citizen.
I love this country. America elects a U.S. representative for how many years?
In the House, two.
That's correct.
Two years.
Every congressperson or every U.S. representative.
Two years at a time.
Good stuff.
This one is name one, but I'll make it a little bit harder on you.
Name three U.S. territories.
The Dakota Territory.
Nice.
No.
These are land that's a U.S. territory that's not technically a U.S. state.
I see.
Okay.
We have the U.S. Virgin Islands.
That's correct. We've got Puerto Rico. Nailed it.S. Virgin Islands. That's correct.
We've got Puerto Rico.
Nailed it.
We got, there's three more.
Guam is correct.
Guam.
Yes.
And then there's two more I had not really heard of.
Washington, D.C.
Is that one?
No, no.
That's a district, I guess, not a territory.
There's American Samoa and the Northern Mariana Islands.
Yes, yes. I've heard of those. i wonder what's going on in the territories not quite a state but also not a different country either yeah i think it's
from what i've heard it's kind of bullshit because they kind of have to like adhere to our laws but
don't really have a voice or a yeah i'd like to know what's going on on guam yeah we should do
a show in guam do you think anybody's listening to us on guam i'd like to know what's going on on guam yeah we should do a show in guam do you
think anybody's listening to us on guam i would love to know that actually and i would happily
do a show on guam i don't know yeah is guam the bomb i think guam is the bomb that's cool it's
nor i'm trying to see where it is wow it's so far away that's crazy it's where's twice as
it's twice as far away as hawaii really i you could have told me it was right off florida and
i would have been like that makes sense for guam no we would like we would have gone to guam when
we were in australia that's when we would have gone to guam jesus same with northern mariana islands have you ever guan to guam nice
have you ever guan to guam
i yeah no i haven't all right that's it then name after me three. And you see how my questions have like answers and yours are like, yeah, what size gift should I get my newborn after nine weeks?
Like those are real questions.
No, those are real questions.
They had answers.
Okay.
They had answers.
All right.
Do you grab your son by the ear and drag him away if he doesn't share a toy?
It's easy to say no to that name three american indian tribes in the u.s
gladly uh the cherokee nailed it um the i'm trying to think of the one that was, oh, the Pequot. That is, for some reason, not on this list.
Well, I went to the Pequot Museum when I was a child in Connecticut.
So that's Pequot erasure.
And that's fucked up.
Let me just make sure that I'm spelling it right.
You don't have to spell it.
You just have to say it.
And it's not on this list.
And I resent the accusation.
We need...
Well, it actually...
There's about 20 Indian tribes on this list.
You've heard of most of these,
but can you come up with any of them?
Yes.
What did I say?
I said Cherokee?
Yep.
You've got the Navajo.
Correct.
It's on here.
You've got the power in you.
I mean, Pequot's one.
Cheyenne.
That's correct.
Cheyenne is one.
Cheyenne is the first one uh some other famous
ones are the mohegan of course oh the mohegan sun the sioux as we know sioux yeah iroquois
pueblo chocotau inuit seminoles from florida state nice i'll give you that one. Thank you.
What is one responsibility that is only for U.S. citizens?
Voting. Only U.S. citizens have this one responsibility.
Actually, there's two, but you only have to name one.
Voting is one of them.
That's correct.
Can you name the other one?
Hmm.
Oh, registering in the census no this one says jury duty oh you know some crazy fact about me i've never ever been called for jury duty
interesting you never gotten a jury duty summons no i'm not on their fucking radar i wonder if when you were in la
just went to your parents house and they threw it away or something yeah i don't know i mean i
registered to vote where i am so i feel like that's what they use i did jury duty once in new
york they sent it to me for weeks yes i got i was asked to be on the jury. I actually did the jury part, which is kind of rare.
You convicted the guy.
I sentenced this fucker to the chair.
And I said, I want to be the one that fucking presses the button.
I want to be the one that pulls the trigger, releases the lever.
Absolutely.
No, it was a funny story.
Not a funny story, but it was pretty crazy.
It was a story about a rabbi that took advantage of it.
You're not supposed to fucking say these things, man.
Even if it's over?
I don't know.
But you are under arrest, but yeah, go ahead.
So it was a rabbi that sold this Jewish lady a Torah, and he never delivered.
And he, like, took advantage of her.
He took, like, $80,000.
And I guess he had done that a bunch to a bunch of different grieving Jews.
And everyone instantly knew that he was guilty.
Like, within four minutes, he was just, like, obviously lying and guilty.
And this old lady
was like yes i have a receipt it says i gave him eighty thousand dollars do you have the bank
account yes did he ever give you the torah no boom conviction it's close they're like ah well
let's talk to this person's uh high school teacher everyone's like fine let's fucking talk like and
then like all right let's come back tomorrow Let's do this again on next week.
We're like, we already know he's guilty.
Let us go.
We have to fucking go through this dog and pony show.
For two weeks we were there.
And then they're like, all right, we're ready to deliberate.
They bring us into a room.
Everyone's like, yeah, guilty instantly within 30 seconds.
So, yeah, let's bring him back out.
Yeah, he's guilty.
I was like, wow, what an enormous, colossal waste of time.
I guess it's important because, you know,
the process of law is necessary,
but there's got to be a way to scream all these things.
Even if they're not open and shut,
you want some people to debate, but Jesus Christ.
It gives lawyers and whoever was working there
a lot of time and money.
But just going to like the
like the the courthouse in brooklyn every day for two weeks it was like jesus how does somebody with
a real job or any responsibility do this yeah well that's why they usually there's ways to get out of
jury duty if they're like yeah your job is too important or your life's too busy they saw you
you're like comedy writer you're fucking jewish comedy writer we want him yeah we want him to be here he's on our side and they were correct uh all right let's
take a break come back and answer some more questions about u.s citizenry after this okay
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Jake, in order to become, I don't know how many questions you have to get right.
If it's like 80 out of 100 or just five out of 10 or what, if they make it easy at this point.
But I do remember my parents having to study for this.
Yeah, I mean, I would have to study for this, clearly.
Yeah.
Well, they basically give you the questions beforehand,
so when you show up, you know what the answers are.
But without any studying at all,
do you know what we call the first 10 amendments to the Constitution?
The first 10 amendments to the Constitution?
We have a name for them?
We do.
Huh. Um... Kennedy? amendments to the constitution we have a name for them we do huh um
uh kennedy kennedy yeah i have no fucking idea it they're called the bill of rights oh
nice it does sound sort of familiar very yeah very much so didn Didn't realize they were related, as it were.
Had a name, as it were.
I've heard of that, obviously.
I didn't know that that's what that was.
Yeah, but I know that is something.
Do you know how many House of Representatives we have?
Or how many in the House of Representatives?
God, no.
It's like 300-something.
Close, but not quite. 5 quite 523 yeah it's a random
ass number like that but it's not even close to three really it's 500 no no it's not even
is it in the 300s it's 435 yeah that's good that's good it's pretty close to 323
yeah kind of you're off by over 100 Congress people, but yeah.
They're so important.
Before he was president, Eisenhower was a general.
For what war?
General Eisenhower.
Let's go ahead and say World War I.
That is so close but incorrect.
It's World War II.
World War II.
Totally.
Yeah.
Totally.
Sort of a coin flip at that point.
But old guy.
You had us in the first half.
Not gonna lie.
I knew it was a world war.
I knew that.
Yes.
Oh.
It wasn't Korea.
He had to have burned his stripes.
That's for sure.
No.
God.
Here's a great question that they have.
What is one thing Benjaminjamin franklin is famous for
um didn't that motherfucker do electricity he uh did the the kite it's not on this list that
might be like a children's tale yeah kite in the key okay yeah we're looking for like a real thing
um he uh louisiana purchase i think was his shit. Not quite. No, yet.
That was in the 1800s.
He actually did, oh, he had a bunch of slaves that he impregnated.
Like he's a bad guy.
I don't even know if that part is true.
I think you're thinking of Jefferson.
Yeah.
Maybe it was Franklin too. He went to France. Okay. I think that was Jefferson as yeah. Maybe it was Franklin, too. He went to France.
Okay.
I think that was Jefferson as well.
You're thinking of sort of Hamilton, sort of an old history textbook that you read 20 years ago and can't quite remember.
He had bifocals.
He invented bifocals, let's say. He is a U.S. diplomat, the oldest member of the Constitutional Convention, the first postmaster general of the U.S., writer of Poor Richard's Almanac,
and he started the first free libraries.
So going forward, that's what I guess Franklin was good at.
Nice.
That's why you deserve to be on the hundo.
Well, do you know how many amendments the Constitution has?
52. Very, very very close 27 nice
the federalist papers supported the passage of the u.s constitution name one of the writers
of the federalist papers andrew fucking jackson wrong really alex Alexander Hamilton. That's right. Oh, yeah. Hamilton, Jefferson,
Lincoln, Nebraska? It's James Madison, Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, and then just someone,
I guess, named Publius. P-U-B-L-I-u-s never even heard of that one publius publius are you gonna come to the
to the war the revolutionary war what the hell is uh publius was the pseudonym used by alexander
hamilton i see okay so i guess hamilton twice then um all right let's get a few more of these
guys in before i i shift you over to a test that might even be more up your alley.
Name two branches of the government.
The legislative and the executive.
Nailed it.
Absolutely nailed it.
The last one is?
It's also the judiciary.
Yes, that's correct.
The judicial branch.
You got that one.
Thank you.
I think you're ready to become a citizen you do uh here's kind
of a random one what are two rights of everyone living in the united states two rights everyone
gets uh life liberty and the pursuit of happiness yeah we're looking for specific freedoms okay
free speech the right to bear arms that's. You can say and shoot anything you want.
It's good to be an American.
Okay.
I think we did, you know, 50-50.
Probably good enough to become a U.S. citizen.
Maybe.
Definitely good enough to be a U.S. citizen.
I don't know.
I feel like I really failed, actually.
Well, we were sort of backed into it.
Because you were already born here, you don't have to know this shit yeah okay like i get that shit for free exactly um
all right i know you take pride in knowing the u.s state capitals that's correct i know every
single one um so i didn't want to just ask you what the state capitals were, though. There are some of these on this list.
I found some interesting state questions, almost trivia, about these United States.
And I was wondering if I can ask you a few of these questions as well.
Yeah, I'm a big fan of American geography.
So I'm all for it.
So keep in mind, some of these are trick questions okay
so when the first one is what state is the statue of liberty in think wisely strongly and longly
about the answer right like it would probably actually be in new jersey that's correct the icon is technically located in new jersey i say
that makes sense okay how about this one what is the least populated state
now i am pretty certain it's wyoming that's correct wyoming is the least populated state
now you're feeling now you're in your zone this is why don't let me get in my zone exactly what is the largest state in land mass alaska and it's actually not even close
that's correct three for three you absolutely nailed it yeah um i'm on one now okay here's a real tricky one this one's like whoa let's hear
that's fucking random i know are you kidding me with that ask it wait no i don't think you lost
the question your computer i don't know what it is which state in america is the closest to Africa?
Closest?
Alphabetically.
No, geographically.
Actually, think about this one while we take yet another break, and then we're coming back, and I'll give you the answer.
And prepare to have your ass farted and blown.
I love it.
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All right, we're back.
Which state is the closest to Africa, Jake?
Well, I feel like if my ass is going to be farted and blown, as you say,
it's going to have to not be a state that I would expect.
Like, I would expect it to be florida but instead of that i'm
sweating because it actually is florida i had no fucking clue no it's not florida but yeah i would
go just like the furthest east state um and fucking guess north carolina very close you were
correct about the furthest east state being the answer but it's maine maine
is closer to morocco by a thousand miles than florida is i was gonna fucking guess maine and
i was like no it's too far it's too far north damn it yeah interesting right yeah very my ass
is farted and blown actually here's an interesting one what's the this one's pretty simple maybe what
is the capital of south carolina um i know every single capital i think it's pierre
that is south dakota's capital damn it okay wait hold on hold south carolina's capital yeah it's fucking it's oh god damn it i fucking know
it i know it did you say charleston yes it's not charleston yeah most people think it's charleston
yeah yeah it's actually savannah columbia columbia fuck no it's a hard one i don't know for whatever reason a lot of
people think charleston and some people even think pierre pierre well there's there's a couple that
i always don't get like i always think that i know all the capitals and then uh yeah there's
actually you just never commit to memory yeah i actually don't quite remember them all
which state has the highest population density
people per square mile people per square mile
hmm i guess it's interesting we'd have to make it a small state like rhode island
it's a good guess and it's close but it's not quite all right then it's gonna have to be something like
new jersey again new jersey is correct good pull okay okay they say it's technically dc but since
that one's not a state new jersey is the most densely populated quote unquote state
type here's an interesting one what's the westernmost state capital in mainland u.s
so the 48 states um which one is the westernmost oh well is that a trick question like it's
the westernmost would be honolulu right or you mean the continuous? Yeah, so it's just within mainland U.S. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. Mainland U.S.
Well, it's got to be either Oregon or Washington.
Let's go Washington.
Olympia.
It's Salem, Oregon.
Fuck yeah!
So close.
So close. This one, next one, you actually know because I used to say it a lot.
Which state is further west, Reno, Nevada, or Los Angeles?
Oh, yeah, Reno.
Reno is further west.
The way California sort of slopes eastward puts L.A. technically 85 miles further east than the westernmost big city in Nevada, Reno.
Wild. That's crazy.
Oh, this is a real weird one.
I almost won't even count it, but what is the easternmost state in the U.S.?
Easternmost state in the U.S.?
Well, oh, I mean, how is it not Maine?
Because it's technically Alaska, which stretches
into the eastern hemisphere. Whoa.
Whoa. Interesting. Very interesting. Kind of mind
blowing. Yeah. Which U.S. state has the longest
coastline? U.S. state
has the longest coastline um u.s state has the longest coastline oh so you would think it's california
but it's actually florida because it goes all the way around the gulf or or it's texas which is huge
it's it's funny it says the the answer is not california florida or texas but oh it's maine
because of all the islands close it's alaska because of all these because of all these
it's tough this is a fun quiz for me it's a fun it's trivia it's light it's good facts that you
wouldn't necessarily know which two states share borders with eight other states
that's the highest amount of borders shared with other states two of them share borders with eight
wow two states this is very hard to get i would not have known these um i mean i guess it would
have to be one of these northeast states that feels like they touch everything.
Like everything. Like,
you know,
a,
um,
a Massachusetts say,
but that actually touches a coast.
So let's not do that.
Let's not,
you want an inland one.
That's just surrounded by States.
Let's say fucking like West Virginia.
It's pretty good guess,
but not quite.
Let's say fucking kentucky
close but no cider kentucky touches these two states yeah let's say fucking tennessee then
why the c is one of them that is correct tennessee borders eight states and this other one does too
wait did i already say kentucky yeah okay and how about this i'll tell you the eight states that this state borders oh nice
iowa illinois kentucky tennessee arkansas oklahoma kansas and nebraska
missouri that's correct missouri borders those eight states wow that's cool like a lot it does
uh i'm floored all right a few final ones okay bring us home uh what is the
longest river in the u.s mississippi answer it's not the mississippi but rather the missouri river
oh god damn it yeah the missouri river is 139 miles longer than the Mississippi. The Great Missouri.
That's right.
And then lastly, what is the deepest lake in the United States?
Hmm.
This one I had no idea of.
I never even heard of this lake.
Great.
So it's not one of the Great Lakes.
Oh, you know what the Great Lakes are? So it might be, because I had had never heard of the great lakes so i guess i'll just guess the biggest one it's obviously not the great lakes
of course i've heard of the great lakes what do you think i'm a fucking moron it's not the great
lakes it's not the great not even salt lake salt lakes not i mean so it's not lake huron right no
no it's not any of the great i'm telling you you know you know all the great lakes
oh i know the homes i know it okay so and it's well then it crater lake that's correct crater
lake in oregon is the deepest it's a national park 1932 i'd never even heard of Crater Lake. Yeah. Way to swish it at the buzzer.
We'll go out on top.
Fucking wet from downtown.
And into the deepest lake.
Have you ever been to Crater Lake?
How'd you know that?
I haven't been actually, but I've wanted to go.
And I guess I remember reading at some point that it was the deepest.
Do you think you could touch the bottom of it with like one big breath if you had like a snorkel or something or flippers
if i had flippers and if i was allowed to dive off the boat it's 2 000 feet so i wouldn't be
able to yeah just like fucking jump and swim but i think if i had a really good it's like seven
football field deep into the ground if i Do you think you'd be able to?
I'm telling you, if I could dive, then maybe I could.
And you said I had flippers.
Flippers.
I'd probably have to wear...
It doesn't matter.
It's 2,000 feet.
And I would need to wear like a speed of just regular...
It's like half a mile straight down.
Not just regular trunks.
I might wear...
If I'm allowed to wear goggles then no chance
you'll never fucking catch me i'll i'll do a fucking tea party at the bottom of that lake
no problem i don't think so yeah definitely not a tea party i'll have a tea party uh all right i
think you did better at the states one so you're not quite a citizen but you at the very least you
know a lot about the united states themselves. Yeah. These United States.
Yeah.
And you didn't have to emotionally abuse a child during this quiz.
So I'll consider that a victory as well.
Yeah,
that was nice.
That's definitely helpful.
All right.
Thanks for listening,
everybody.
We'll be back next week with another testing,
testing.
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