Senses Working Overtime with David Cross - Julio Torres

Episode Date: September 19, 2024

Julio Torres (Los Espookys, Problemista) joins David to discuss his fear of fire, love of beavers, and more. Catch all new episodes every Thursday. Watch video episodes here.Guest: Julio TorresSubscribe and Rate Senses Working Overtime on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review to read on a future episode!Follow David on Instagram and Twitter.Follow the show:Instagram: @sensesworkingovertimepodTikTok: @swopodEditor: Kati SkeltonEngineer: Nicole LyonsExecutive Producer: Emma FoleyAdvertise on Senses Working Overtime via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I start off by offering the guest their choice, their chair or that chair. I'm doing red. Red? Yeah. Is that for aesthetic purposes? I feel like because I'm wearing black and you're wearing the I Feel like we pop better and this arrangement You know what? I bet you're right. Let's scoot and switch it up for one second. Okay

See now I'm like, oh, yeah, you just sort of fall. Yeah, you're right. Yeah There you go. Do me a quick favor, let's swap the cat. There we go. Nope, and I'll put it back. Okay. And then I'll put this back. Yeah, I think that's better. Yeah.

I don't think I need this. Okay. No disrespect to the pillow. Okay, sure. I could take that. Oh, this is nice. Okay. Very nice.

All right, is that good? That's beautiful. Okay, let's swap that out for this. Okay, and give me this. Oh Wait, no, this is it. That's it. Okay. Yeah, let's swap this out with that one. Okay, okay, and then give me this Yeah, and I'll put this here and then let's put this What about... yeah. Do you want to... what about the awards? Or the book? The book.

Get rid of these. Get this thing out of here. And... This thing. Let me give these to you. Are these yours? or do we share? I mean they're universal. It's the royal we.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you can take the book. And let's put that behind your head. Wait, this is beautiful. Yeah, you're welcome. And put that there. Oh, I know, Connor. OK, Connor Oberst.

Ratliff. I don't know who that is. Well, he won best host in 2022. I don't know who that is. Well, he won best host in 2022. Oh, he's a wonderful host. Yeah, isn't he? Yeah, he's great. Connor Oberst?

Uh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Well, let's not clutter up this. I don't like this. Okay, okay, okay.

This is heavy. 2022 was a huge year for the podcast here. Yeah, that's when it peaked, I think. It's all kinda downhill. After that, let's get rid of this. And let me give you... This is really cute. It's very light. This is funny.

I got this on Hollywood. Have you been to Hollywood? They have the stores. Yeah, they have the thing. And I got it. And they're like, what's your name? I said, Jake Hurwitz. And then they printed it up. and it's like the golden microphone.

Hey, it's okay. It's not okay. It's okay. Who tore his pants? It's okay. Julio Torres. It's okay. Okay. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. I was trying to remember, recall, the, we're speaking today with Julio Torres of the Birmingham Torres'

where we first met. I feel like it was a comedy festival or no? Okay I have a different memory of that. That's not that I'm my memory shaky I'm I'm wondering if that's what. What comedy festival would it have? Oh could have been Sketchfest. I think could have been. Ah there you go. Yeah. And then. Oh wait what was the Comedy Central? Didn't Comedy Central have a festival at one point in San Francisco? In Chicago.

They had one in, was it Chicago? No, no, it was San Francisco, you're right. You're right. They called it. Yeah, it was like a big, they only, it was. It happened like three times or two. Maybe two, yeah, because it was terribly run, you know. Wait, it was, it really was.

I recall it was like one of the simplest things. It's like, they were like, do you have any friends that are coming to see you? And I give them one name and then like getting that person. Now I would say, I would defend it by saying it's a very complicated thing to put together. Oh, I could never run a festival. Like you go to Banaru and you're like, how do you do this? No, no, no, no, of course.

The logistics of everybody and everybody's got a... But the thing is like they did different, like it was the wristband situation where like people bought wristbands, but that wristband didn't necessarily get them into the shows they wanted. It was very poorly run. And I think there's a reason why it only lasted two years or so. As opposed to like Outside Lands, which is very well-run. You know? It is.

And they kind of, yeah. And they sort of go, okay, comedy is going to be run by this person and this stage is run by this person. Where is Outside Lands? San Francisco. Oh, okay. Yeah. and this stage is run by this person. Where is outside of the land? San Francisco. Oh, okay. Yeah.

And I have a funny story about that, but Julio, this would be a, I think, optimum time to remind you that I'm going out on tour. Okay. Already, I forgot. Starting in September. Yeah, it's called the end of the beginning of the end tour. And you just go to my website, officialdavidcross.com.

I'm playing like... Officialdavidcross.com. Yep. And it'll have all the dates in the cities. I'm doing, I believe, 44 in the states for now, and then Canada and New York. 44? Yep. And then I'll do more.

How about that? 44? I'm gonna do more. Yeah. Yep. Over how long? That'll take me up to December, mid December. And- That's a lot.

You know what? That is the response I get from people, but I- Oh yeah, so I'm not crazy. That is a lot. It's a lot to some folks, yeah. I mean, I do get that a lot from other comics and- Yeah. But I mean, if you're gonna go out there, go out there. It's like, I mean I do get that a lot from from other comics and yeah, but I mean if you're gonna go out there

Go out there. I love the house, you know Continue going to Des Moines and look Iowa City's right around the corner go to Iowa City. What's that? Sioux City Sioux Falls, that's one but knock it off. All right, let's go to you like you like being on the road and I Love doing stand standup comedy. I have such a good time. My audiences have a good time. I've got amazing fans. Well, that's good.

And I truly enjoy it. The getting there and the shitty, I was looking today, you know, the tour manager was advancing me a bunch of hotels to look at and I was like, Oh God, those grids. Those grids are like, that's so many, is that 44 hotels? No, that's not 44 hotels.

Fuck yeah, it's 44 hotels. What do you think I levitate? Well, of course I'm staying in a hotel. Crazy. Yeah, and but some of them. Think of all the wifi passwords. I know. Well, my phone, a lot of places, I mean,

this will be what, my 10th tour, something like that? And I just go in and it automatically connects because yeah, I've been at the IHG, Kimpton Hotel in Eugene or wherever. Do you do it with someone else? Are you going with a buddy who's supposed to be performing? You know Sean Patton. Hey, I'm serious, I am going with Sean Patton.

I do know Sean Patton. I'm so sorry, Julio. My phone likes to chime in. Wait, but I love that. Yeah. Okay, so that's good that you're gonna have a friend. Yes, it makes a huge difference. I don't have a tour bus.

I had that a couple times. There's only two of you. Right. Well, last time I had my family, and it was great, and a nanny, and my wife was doing a book tour, kind of paralleling where I was. So we all did it. Did they have a lot of the same stops, her book tour,

and your counter tour? Yeah, she designed it. She she did it according to my schedule. Oh, OK. Yeah. And what was the book about? Some feminist greed, you know, burn the patriarchy bullshit. You know, I want to listen to me. I'm a woman. You know, that's what I that's what you assume. That's the voice I hear in my yeah No that book was

she's written seven books, I believe and that book was I Believe any man which is a fictional a fiction book it was either any man or Era of ignition I believe it was one of those two and the book tour for her looks like Some readings and some signings and that those yeah. Yeah and and her audience is more like They don't they don't they don't ha ha ha they know it's very much that that's how I describe That's my impression of the when I go to like art house theaters, you know, you go to like, you know, film form or something like that, and you go see a, and especially New York.

But this applies everywhere. You go to see a movie, and there'll be somebody who just say, make the reference like a Jungian reference or whatever the fuck it is or a Skinner box or something and It's not that funny, right? But then always there's always like an older NPR couple that's in front and they go You know always go mmm Yeah, that's what I okay so that is what to me is like No Okay, so that is what to me is like, no offense to our listeners,

but like New Yorker magazine humor. Yeah. Like, you know how like the threshold for funny in theater is different than? Yes. It's always like, where is she? Oh, she must be taking a selfie. And they're like, oh, and the audience roars and laughs

because there's a vague mention of something sort of contemporary. Oh dude, that's perfect. Yeah, that's very New Yorker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That kind of, that's such a perfect example. And they just love it. Like, yes, she probably is taking a selfie if I know Bernadette

Yeah With those art house theaters, I the word influencer gets a big is a is a trigger. Yes. Yes. Yeah, because it's something like when they hear the word influencer is sort of like Hearing like I don't know. This is what Terry Gross was talking about. Yeah, yeah. It's like the tectonic plates or something to them. It's like something they sort of understand what it is,

but they can't really- They know it's a reference, they should go, mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. But what you were saying about the art house theaters, I always feel like I'm walking in actuals a bit in those spaces. Yeah.

I, one time I went to, I think it was like Lincoln Plaza Cinemas or film, no, it was Film Society of Lincoln Center, which I love that theater. But I was there by myself and I had a backpack on and then or it's not a backpack crowd not a backpack crowd. Oh no it wasn't a fall reckon or fall ribbon? Well it was I had a backpack on and then I went to the bathroom. Oh no.

And I left my backpack in the theater. This is post 9-11. Okay, well I wasn't thinking that it was such a trigger for people. Everything changed. And. We lost our innocence that day. Really? And I come back and there's this woman losing it

and she's demanding that the usher open my backpack and go through it. And he goes, is this your backpack? And I was like, yeah. And then she is just so upset. She's like- Wait, is the movie playing right now? No, no, no, no, no.

This is like, trailers haven't even begun yet. Do you remember the movie? I don't remember the movie actually. Was it City of Men or the one that opens with the backpack exploding? Oh my God, imagine, no. And even if it was, she wouldn't have seen that movie at this point.

But she was just- Was that the name of the movie I'm thinking of? I think Children of Men. Children of Men, yes. Got it. City of Men, that's a whole different- That's a- Different cattle of fish.

I'm going there later. No, she was so upset. She was so upset and she was just like, kept huffing, I'm so, like, what do you think? Like blah, blah, blah. And then she just mentions like some airport where a backpack had exploded, like citing her sources, right?

And- The fact that you came back should negate it, right? Well, and to me, I'm the kind of person where like, if a problem was already solved, we should stop talking about the problem. That's my point, yeah. Because nobody got hurt. You thought that it might have been a bomb. Fair enough. It wasn't. It wasn't.

Let's get over it. But we now know it isn't. Let's get over it. I can't go back in time and detraumatize you. Right. And not only that, but she was seated behind me and the previous started happening. The usher had left already. The previous started happening. And she was still muttering to her husband throughout the whole previous about how insane it was that I left my backpack there.

And it's like, she's still probably talking about it right now. I hope she doesn't hear this podcast. What if she thought that it had it right now. I hope she doesn't hear this podcast. What if she thought that it had nothing to do with the bomb, but she's like, what if there's a sandwich in there, like a cheese sandwich? Yeah, he should have paid for snacks at the theater. Yeah, that's what she was upset about.

Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. There's a, have you ever read Metropolitan Diary in the New York Times? No. It's been running. It's I think it's every whatever. There's a day that runs every Wednesday or whatever it is. And it's been running for decades and decades.

Longer than I've been alive. It's people write in with their. Funny anecdotes, funny is and is completely subjective, of course, because there's never ever been a funny thing in the history of it there's not one funny what are the anecdotes like I miss my stop on the queue it's well it's usually I'd say 20% of the time it's something precocious that a child says. Oh, God. Yes, I tell you, one fifth of the time it's a child that says something. Oh, hell, my hell.

Something that goes just on the surface. I'm having to be like, whoa. Yeah. And then sometimes it's about a good deed. Somebody will do something nice, but then it'll be tagged with an odd thing that they say, you know? So it's like, I watched a man accidentally hit a rear view mirror and it's always floored. The writing is way, it's overwritten,

every fucking thing, every time. It's overwritten and it's, you know. Is it the same, is it people are submitting? Yeah, yeah, it's just, and it's all folks like, I shouldn't say all, but it's a lot of Upper East Side folks. Upper West Side, Upper East Side, but. New Yorker caption contest. It's that.

I'm sorry to the magazine. Have you ever seen, I'm off social media now, but shitty New Yorker captions? No. It's a site, Yorker captions. No. It's a site, sorry. Guys. Guys, he's busy. Well, that was not supposed to be phony.

I've asked you politely twice now. I've asked you twice to not chime in. I'm talking to my guest. All right. Sorry about that. What was I saying? The writing is very florid and. Oh, it's it's multiple people write in, but it's all the same tone.

And it's all there's nothing funny or it's all like precious. Well, this is so they show it to each other. Right. So when they go to the dinner party, they're like- I published! Yes, yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's the, it's sort of like, it's sort of like upper east side,

Craigslist misconnections. Sort of, yeah. And that like, there was a certain cache to be like, oh, someone wrote a misconnection about me. Yeah, they're reaching out. I was the guy who ran into the rear view mirror and I went to fix it, but then I gave them a Bitcoin, or whatever the fucking thing is.

Anyway, that's a poor example, because that'd be mildly humorous. That'd be mildly humorous. So what are the so it. I can't believe that they have space in the newspaper for this. It's it's not much. And it it, you know, it's it'll be nestled amongst the Tiffany jewelry ads and the Sotheby's, you know, mansions for rent ads. And, you know, I mean, it's New York Times ads are it's basically town and

country you know I mean it's high-end shit you know. Do, how long do you think till they stop printing it and it's just like iPad. That is a good question. I mean, it becomes less relevant by the day. It becomes less trustworthy by the day. And this is going back, you know, decades, you know, and I guess, I guess they'll, it'll remain in print because they do charge a fair amount for it, for just a copy of the newspaper. And as and that they have lobbyists get to write an opinion piece and people from JP Morgan or whatever get to write their opinions about things. I think there'll always be enough for it to stay as a tangible piece of, you know, as a newspaper that you can get. And, you know, you can't, when you walk into a state senator's office and they've got the thing framed of the op-ed, you know, that's valuable.

There's something very, there would be something very humiliated about printing the article and then framing the computer paper. Yeah. Right? I think so. Well, what if you had a really good, well, you could go to FrameBridge, right? Is that a sponsor?

It actually is, but I've used FrameBridge. It's one of the few, I'm not kidding. It's one of the few that I, I'm like, oh, I've, you know, way before they became a sponsor. Okay, I'll bite. What is FrameBridge? It's like a, it's a- Is this a framing company? That's what they want you to think. It's really about... Is this a framing company?

That's what they want you to think. It's really about bestiality. I don't want to get into the whole... Okay, that's where the money's going. It's like a dark web. Yeah, it's a... Okay. No, it's a place where you send photo, digital copy of your photos.

So you can go from your phone right into their site, whatever. And they will, and then you go and you pick the, whether you have a mat, whether it's a shadow box, whether you pick the frame, the thickness, the color, all that stuff, the material. And then they give you the print and they ship it to you, all made and everything framed within days. And it's awesome.

I have a bunch of their stuff, you know, our family and daughter and stuff that I've just, stuff I took on my phone. Oh, I see. And then I sent them, you know, I cropped it. Some I cropped my own, but, and then send it to them and then you get a framed and it's quality. It's not, it's museum quality.

Museum quality. Ripley's believe it or not museum. That quality. Madame Tussauds. I feel like I would make the, I feel like I, my emails are like 50% accurate, I would say. What do you mean?

I mean like I'm always. Your emails. Yes, yeah, okay, let me elaborate on that. I feel like I am, I'm very, I would say. What do you mean? I mean, like, I'm always... Your emails. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Let me elaborate on that. I feel like I am, I'm very, I have very, you know how like in job ads, they're like, they say they're looking for people with quote unquote attention to detail?

I don't have that. So then, if someone says... Oh, you're mistake prone. You won't proofread. I'm mistake prone. You won't proofread your... I will proofread. I don't double check. I never remember a single password. I get dates wrong. So I feel like with this, I would accidentally send them like

a screenshot of an email and then I would get that framed back to me. I would love that. Yeah, and it would take a couple of tries before I actually get the thing that I needed. Hundreds of dollars into it. That would be some interesting art. Like a pixelated screenshot. That's like some Mike Kelly type art. Sure.

Rest in peace. But it's like the screenshot know, the screenshot of half of your email. Right. Yeah. That'd be good photo. Zooming into, or like someone caddy that someone said in a text message that I took a screenshot of.

I would totally. To show it to someone else. And it's a little bit pixelated. It's a little bit pixelated. For sure it's a little bit pixelated. Oh, that's art. That's some art. Hey, I should sell it.

Have you ever done visual art? No, I'm not. I wish I had that skill. My daughter is excellent. Oh, what does she do? I mean, she does art. she's seven and a half, but she is already beyond what I can do. And then I say like, daddy can do designs, I'll do some designs and I will do things, but I can't draw a cat or a dog or a car or a plane, I can't.

When you say daddy can do designs, do you mean, what do you mean by that? If she asked me to do, you know, daddy, will you? Like you'll recommend a typeface for her. No, I will. She'll sit down. She has her little art table, right? And it's-

First step, she sits down. Yeah, she sits down and she's got a, you know, a fit to her body massage chair, She sits down and she's got a, you know, a fit to her body massage chair, which I got for about $2,900. And it's already out of it. She's already out of it, yeah, after a month. Probably a bad idea, not a good idea. But, and like one of those things

that Temple and Grady designed, the autistic woman for autistic kids. I told her she's not, but I told her she's autistic. And just because I want her to feel like, I'm really doing well for an autistic kid, you know? That's nice. And for self-esteem, self-esteem purposes. And so she has her art table, she'll sit down.

Daddy, will you, I wanna draw a forest with a werewolf and a volcano and an owl that can shoot lasers out of its eyes. Okay, well. That's a lot of story. Yeah, well, that's her brain. So I'm like, oh, I can't really I could do The

Volcano part maybe and then you do I can't do a werewolf and I can't do and I can't do that stuff and she can Do she's pretty good. Well, and so I do I draw design I draw, you know, intricate kind of. Oh wait, so you make a picture together? Yeah, and I'll draw the design, you know. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Do you, you have, how many kids do you have? One.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I, did you know that you wanted kids? Oh wait, are we counting my dog? That little lady. So I have two kids. Oh, you have two kids, okay.

My daughter and my dog. What's the dog's name? Rose. Rose? My daughter named her, yeah. It was a birthday present. Oh, that's really cute. So.

Did you always know you wanted kids? Yes, yeah. You did, okay. I didn't, I mean, I knew it was going to be later in life, but I absolutely wanted kids. I wanted more than one. And I grew up, there were three of us, me and two younger sisters.

And I also, I thought three is like such a great family number too. Three? Three, to have three kids, yeah. And, and you know, things just didn't shake out that way. I definitely don't have kids in my future. And- You don't want kids?

No. But I, and here is why I think I don't want kids, a couple of reasons. First of all, I really like being left alone at will. Yep, that flies right out the window. And second, I don't, I feel nervous when someone asks me to explain something that I don't know how to explain.

So like, for example, I was watching some TV show and the kid asked the dad, like how to read time on his watch and the dad's explaining that to him. And I was like, oh my God, if a kid asked me how to like read the clock, I would, I don't know that I feel like explaining that to them. That's a great reason not to have building a community. That's the smartest reason I've ever heard.

Just like, look it up, I don't know. Dude, first of all, you have, it's not like they're born asking you questions. You have- But I feel like it's a lot of questions. There are tons of questions and they get very- And you don't know the answer for a lot of them, I bet. No, I don't, but I talk about it, explain things,

but a lot of the questions are absurd. You know, they're- Oh, absurd questions I can deal with, like backwards and forwards. I'm completely fine with the absurd questions. It's the sort of tangible questions that I should have the answers to like oh Why is the sky blue or why the fucking refracted light or move on what's next?

What is what if they present you with like a big math problem, that's not me don't look at me Wait, that's your answer to your kid? Don't look at me? Well, it will be when her math skills surpass mine. I probably have fourth graders. I feel like her skills are going to surpass because I do think that obviously kids in school have a more rounded understanding of the world than most adults Because we haven't taken all those Classes in so long so there will be like science questions that you don't know the answer to And i'm just i would just feel like i don't want to think about that. I don't want to think

about The periodic table like don't bring that to my house I was done with that right out of here young man. I was done with that take that shit down out of here, young man. I was done with that. You take that shit down the street, put it in the trash can. Yeah. No, I was also watching Big Love, which that's a lot of kids. Yeah. Well, you you that's a lot of you don't have to be Mormon. Yeah, I guess I don't. But you don't have to have three partners that also have kids. Yeah. Did you ever watch Big Love?

No, I just started watching it. Yeah, is it good? It's fantastic. Is it? Yeah. It's really funny. Yeah. Yeah. Check it out. OK, fine. Chloe's having it. So funny. New York's it girl. New York's it girl. Hey, shout out. Have you ever had girl. New York's it girl. Hey. Shout out.

Have you ever had her on the podcast? I have not. Phony, you know that, I haven't, I swear to God. I'm not being sarcastic. Wait, I feel like, does she do podcasts? I don't know. Wait, you should have someone like that. Is it always comedians?

No, no. It's always funny people. It's interesting people. I like that they're funny and I like that I have a personal relationship with them even if it's like just, you know. Have you ever had someone you don't like? No. Would you ever had someone you don't like? No.

Would you? Depending, sure. I mean, if it was somebody that I, my, the premise of this for me is a conversation with just a conversation, we'll see how it goes for an hour and change. And it's just like if I met somebody at a bar and I was sitting

you know at a pub and struck up a conversation with Whether it was like that's cool shirt. Where's he got that shirt? And we just started talking obviously there Are different parameters here, you know, and we have to fill up some time but That's the idea is just have a conversation see where it goes. What about like your high school bully? I didn't really have a high school bully.

I went to- I'm just trying to think of like a- I mean, I did in early part of high school before I went to the school of the arts. And I had actually, oh, Julio. So this is true. So there was a guy, I moved around, every year I was in a different school in Florida, Georgia, Connecticut, New York, before I moved back down to Georgia, where I was born,

and in fourth grade. So when I moved, it was a big culture shock. And I went, so there was this kid, oh, and I was Jewish, I had a Jew fro, very poor. So I had like, you know, thick glasses with tape around them because they broke, couldn't afford to, you know. So I looked like a cartoon character, you know. And especially to a bunch of white Southern Baptists.

This is a suburbs of Atlanta, but very rural too. And so I think I was the only Jewish kid, you know? And some really horrible things happened to my sister and I. Like we're just terribleSemitic shit. But outside of that, so there's this kid named, I remember his name, Stan Short, and they called him Moose because he looked like the color. Oh no, Moose is trouble. No, he looked like the character Moose from the Archies.

Okay, yeah, Moose is trouble. So big guy. Yeah, big guy on here and this is in fourth grade and I- it was! Jesus Christ! And I feel like I'm, you know, I'm fucking shutting this down, that's enough. Usually there's like one or two a day or a episode but this thing is going crazy. What if I find out later like, you know, Marlowe's in the hospital. Yeah, I know, now I'm nervous. You know, perfect, it's not important. Check.

No, but let's see. Check. I'm gonna check. Yeah, Marlowe's in the hospital. Okay. Yeah, that can wait. Okay. Brain, brain thing.

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So, yeah, so Moose said, I'm paraphrasing this, but this is really pretty close. Oh no. He said he was, his father told him- Monster already, monster. Moose's father, monster. There's an end to this. There's an end to this.

So his father told him to hit me or he should hit me and something about being Jewish. But he said it kind of... It wasn't scary and there was a feeling of, as two kids have, and what would you be? Four would... Fourth grade is what? Nine? I think?

Ten? Nine, ten? Ten. That would have been ten. Nine or ten. Yeah, ten. But his father said something about being Jewish and that he should hit me or something like that.

So he's going to hit me after school. Wait, sorry. He's scheduling it. Yes. He's going to hit me after school. But he's giving you a heads up. Yeah. And he's telling me why.

Do you get a choice? No. And it wasn't like, you know, you have seven hours to run and then the hunting begins. You know, it wasn't like, it was just letting me know. It wasn't like I'm gonna kick your ass. It was hit me. Okay, and so I had to walk around with that all day.

And- Were you nervous all day? Oh yeah, awful awful it was awful and some of the anti-semitic shit was so overt it was shocking man but anyway so Stan then at the end of the day he's like in the hallway he's like I told you I'm gonna hit you and they hits me it's like hard but hallway, he's like, I told you I'm gonna hit you. And then he hits me, it's like hard, but not that hard. You know, like he could have hit me a lot harder and was on the arm.

Okay, so he was sort of checking a box. He was. Yes. And he wasn't. He was clocking in. His heart wasn't in it. His heart was not in it. But you have to tell his dad that he. Yeah, I imagine, you know. And it was just such a weird kind of

perfunctory thing for him to do. And then years later, I was 18, 17, 18 maybe. And he said, I'm going to kiss you after school. No, I was working at the Tower Play 6 movie theater, AMC Tower Play 6 in Buckhead, and which is still there actually. And the ticket, the usher ticket thing was in front of the double doors, right?

So it's six theaters, you come in, you buy your tickets outside at the window, and then you come through and there's a box and I tore your ticket. And I can see him in line, I believe Porky's was playing. at the window and then he come through and I there's a box and I tore your ticket and I can see him in line. I believe Porky's was playing. Oh My god, this is so this is and I can see him and I am like excited to see Porky's yeah, and I I believe it was Porky's I'm pretty sure and I recognize him. I haven't seen him since fourth grade and

I know immediately. Oh my God, it's Stan Short. This is a guy who hit me because I'm Jewish. Oh shit. And he's coming, he's getting closer, he's getting his ticket. Oh fuck. Oh, this is, and it just feels weird, you know? And then he comes up and he's like, hey, David Cross, how are you? I was like, good, Stan, hi, good.

All right, man, what are you doing? I guess you're working here. All right, see you later. And it was that. You know why? Why? I think, okay, I'm projecting a lot here, but I'm like right cuz now he's fucking 18 And he's fucking like on his way to being a senator. Yeah, he's

Fuck up, you know he could He could be a great guy. He could be a asshole. I don't I will say that it did seem like Okay, so you say he was a big guy right he's a big guy Yeah, he was certainly big for his age. Big for his age, not something that he chose. Being called Moose, not something that he chose. Asshole father, not something that he chose. Maybe there was a lot of pressure on him to be this monster and maybe he outgrew that.

Maybe. I'm hoping, yeah. I would hope so. Obviously he didn't remember. And, you know. Okay, you don't know that he didn't remember though. He might remember. Yeah, you're right.

He might remember and he might feel embarrassed or he turned to his date and was like, yeah, I fucking kicked his ass. Cause you know why? Cause he's Jewish, yeah. No, let's watch Porky's. Yeah, let's settle in. Let's watch Porky's.

I'm gonna unzip my pants, you give me a handy. Yeah, I mean, the scheduling of the hitting is very interesting to me. Because I've only ever seen that. That was not uncommon, that was not a thing like, I'm gonna kick your ass after school. I've seen that a lot in movies. I've never seen it.

Oh, I got that. I'm gonna, you know, when we get off the bus, I'm gonna kick your ass. And that's because like when no one's watching and I'm not accountable, I'm going to do this bad thing. Yeah, I guess. Right, because it's like those on teachers.

You know, I can't kick your ass right now in the hallway or I'll get in trouble. Because I'm a coward. And also, it gives people, it gives the word time to travel through the school. You know. Because they want an audience. They want an audience. Did you hit back ever? Nope. No. audience. Did you hit back ever?

Nope, no. I got in, not in that situation, I got in a fight in, around the same time, fourth grade, it was at this shitty redneck apartment complex and these two brothers, like Harry and Ken Lamar, I believe, and pissed in their living room. Like, thought it was funny. The guy would piss in the corner in the carpet. In their own living room? In their own living room. Just redneck trash.

I mean, it was a trashy apartment complex. Did you have any insight as to how the parents reacted to that? Like, would they laugh and say like, ha ha, good going? I don't think they were how the parents reacted to that? Like would they laugh and say like, haha, good going? I don't think they were, the parents gave a shit. I mean, we're talking like trash all around. You still smell it though.

That's like a problem. They're creating a problem. Yeah, no. I mean, these kids were not. Oh, okay. They literally shit where they eat. And there was something with my sister where one of the brothers knocked my sister over and it was one of the few times where I was like,

you motherfucker and I like wailed on him. But outside of that and then the time when I was 18 and I was at Catch the Rising Star here in New York City in a long line to sign up and see if I'd be one of 18 people to go on at 1 in the morning thing. And there was a guy, and I remember one of his bits was he had drawn ET on his stomach and then he would lift up his shirt and do like ventriloquism with ET. And love sold. Best friend immediately.

Yeah, and you know, got a sitcom deal that night. Yeah, of course. They were like, you gotta do the ET on the belly. Now the lawyers say it can't be ET, so we're gonna have to come up with a different character. TT, TT. Yeah. And TT, you know, Page Home.

Now was he doing it from a sort of like subversive anti-comedy kind of way? Or was he doing it as like, oh, wouldn't it be funny? Yeah, I don't even- Which is like, what's the difference at a certain point? No, it was, but he and I almost got in a fight. And that was one of the, another time when I did- Was he like, that's not comedy.

No, no, this was before he did his set. Oh, okay, got it, got it. This is a- Oh, in line, okay. It was a time when I didn't stand down, you know? Like I actually, you know, and he would have kicked my ass. He was, you know, thicker than I was. But it was just one of those, because I don't often do it,

but that occasionally whatever the right mix of ingredients will make me go, I'll fucking kick your ass right now. It's very rare, but that was one where I was like, whatever, he crossed the line. What did he do? I don't know, it was something about the getting, signing up thing, the process, the- It was cutting in line or something?

Something to do with, something like that, yeah. Like you're a new kid, you don't get- Wait, this is an open mic. Open mic at Catch the Rising Star, 1982, I wanna say. Was it the kind of thing where like you put your name in a bucket and then they like- Yeah, yeah, exactly. And it was something about like,

he thought he could get away with getting, cutting ahead of me because I was new or I hadn't done it before. And he was also like, full, you know, like lying. It was like scammy shit. Well, the, you know, the open mics have rules, but they're so corrupt. It's riddled with corruption. It's like, oh, you're friends with the host.

So you're going up. God damn it. I'm so sorry. I just turned this fucking thing off. Oh no, it's okay. It's not okay. It's Amazon or UPS for my wife. Okay. Are they outside?

Yeah, I just opened the door for him. Hi, hello? If it's for my wife, just take it back. My wife likes- Just take it back? No, she needs that. No, she doesn't need a fucking thing that she orders. You don't know that. I do, I know what she she or she gets something every single day

America Yeah, it's the bad part of America, right? Yeah I didn't have I don't know what I'm doing recycling. Why am I bother recycling? Well, yeah, just getting like a new Amazon Echo every day. Yeah It's not even an Echo. It's like sometimes she gets things to hold that are like the things that she's accumulated a lot of. Yeah.

It'll be so there's like a what are you hanging up? Oh, this is where I can put the extra umbrellas. Yeah. Yeah. It's insane. It's yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just more plastic around the house. Yeah, and then for you know, please please keep Keep complaining about climate change. Yeah, right, right Wait, I was gonna say I didn't have a I was never hit It was never physical violence, but I did have this bully

Who and where was this? This is elementary school in Lafave over. And I had this bully who... I'll never forget this because it was like, I think his angles was more psychological. But I'll never, I'll truly never forget this. He said, I saw your mother at the airport with another man. Wow, that's sophisticated. At the airport with another man.

That's really sophisticated. How old were you? Fourth grade also. Wow. So while you were getting, I'm gonna hit you after school, I was like, I saw your mother at the airport with another man. Wow. And, but the, okay.

Which is, the implication there is that, I guess, for like, okay, my mom's cheating on my dad, I guess was the conclusion that he wanted me to derive. But at the airport- It's less picking, maybe she picked up a friend or brother. But at the airport is so like- What was he doing at the airport?

What were you doing at the airport? Yeah, what was he doing at the airport? Yeah. Just randomly? Yeah, just hanging out, the gate, gate 12. But he's like at the, like I'm imagining like we can't be seen, you have to go and I'll meet you there. Right. I don't know, there was something so poetic about it.

Also the airport in El Salvador in, what would this be, 1990? 90 something. Yeah, how big was it? What was it? Small. Small. Very small. So I mean, yeah.

You'd be the top of the town if you were at the airport with another man. That's what I'm getting at. Yeah, it'd be very, very stupid of them to be airport. Let's go to the airport bathroom and fuck. But to me it's like- But wait, do I have to go get tickets? We have to buy a ticket to a flight just to go-

Right, it's like- Should we go to a hotel? That's a very expensive, no, but to me it's like, cause the airport adds so much longing, right? It's like someone's leaving. Well, there's mystery too. There's mystery, someone's-. Well, there's mystery too. There's mystery. Or arriving.

Or arriving. Yeah. Somebody who's not from there. Mm. Or your mom's leaving. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's a pretty interesting. It's so loaded.

It's so poetic. And he would say like a lot of mean things. That's the one I remembered. And then I said something mean back at him that I still feel bad about today. Really? Yeah, I guess I'll- Somebody who was trying to traumatize you

into thinking that your mom, are you guys picking up my stomach here? It's making all kinds of noises. Are you hungry? I'm a little, I mean, not that hungry. I had one of those protein bar things. Well, you didn't finish it. I was copying.

No, it's- You didn't like it? No, it's like a, it's sweet mush. Yeah, it's like dusty tasting. It's just not my thing. But- What is the name of it? What is the name of it? What is the brand of it?

This thing? Yeah. Oh. Drag them. Drag them. True bar. Daydreaming about donuts is the name of this flavor. It's all plant-based.

It's like a bar that is like, oh, I wish I was a donut. That's a weird way of marketing something. I wish you were a donut too, True Bar. That's a weird thing of, that's a weird way of marketing something. No gluten, no dairy, no soy, whatever. So it's all, it's just not very good. Sure.

I'm sure some people like it. And let me say this, it's not very good to me because I, first of all, I don't have the- That's really diplomatic. Well, it's true. I don't have a sweet tooth. I cannot definitively say, oh, this is garbage. I just don't care for it.

And it's way, way too sweet for me. And the sweetness masks the unpleasant texture. I think that's the point of it. Well, for the right person, maybe we'd be very happy. For the right person, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Um Wait, okay. So this is what I told my bully. Mm-hmm that I still feel very very bad about I Because he kept I guess he kept making comments about my mother. Mm-hmm, and I said oh Wait, okay.

Yeah, it's because he kept, like, your mother was at the airport with another, your mother was here with another, and I said, you are just. Your mother was at the train station with a Nazi. Your mother was at the bus depot with a known criminal rapist. I said, you are just jealous

because my mother has a job and leaves the house and is not just a housewife, like your mother. I wouldn't feel bad about that. I know, but I never met his mother. Oh, she's a fucking cunt. I do know that she was like a rich stay at home mom. So I think I was like.

That was a little, how did he react to it? He, I don't know. I don't remember how he reacted to it. Did he bother you again? Yes, it did not work. Because I don't think. I don't feel that bad about it then. Yeah, I don't think that my,

the sort of like militant feminism, my militant misguided feminism that I was hitting him with resonated in any way, shape or form. It doesn't mean anything to him. Yeah, my mom stays at home. Cause she doesn't need to have a job like your mom. Right, I guess that's how he saw it. How's that an insult? My mom is there when I get home. She loves me very much.

Yeah. She plays with me. Imagine if that's a beautiful scene, if that's how he reacted and the final sentence was, she plays with me. Yeah, she plays with me. And Julio, if he said this, then Julio, I'm going to not bother you anymore because I can see now the pain that you have because of the comment you just made and doesn't bother me at all, but it clearly bothers you and I think that's punishment enough. Did your mom ever do that? Did your mom ever give you that's punishment enough? Like you've been-

No. Oh. Wait, like when you did something bad and instead of them punishing you, they were like, you've suffered enough? I wasn't supposed to play with firecrackers, right? This is again, probably fourth, fifth grade, something like that.

Yeah, famously I think kids shouldn't do. Yeah, and I went to, I was lighting firecrackers and, you know, occasionally the wick is a pie and there's sulfur on it. So it goes, and then it zooms quickly and blows up, right? Much quicker than you expect. And we were like playing firecrackers and throwing them, you know, whatever. And one went off in my fingers and, you know, it hurt like a motherfucker, but it wasn't, you know, I didn't have to go to the hospital or anything. And clearly something had happened and,

and I might've been crying, I don't know, but she was like, what happened? I was like, firecracker went, you know, blew up in my finger. I know I'm not supposed to do them, but then Trevor said I should. And then Travis came over and they made me, you know, whatever. And pretty soon the pain went away. But my mother, you know, was like, well, you know you're not supposed to do that. And I would- Now you know why.

And normally I'd punish you but it seems like you've been punished enough and I was like, yeah, I have. And then, so I got away with something for, but it taught me a little bit of pain if I can get out of jail, you know, or being grounded or whatever. I'll take the hit, literally. But did it, did you keep playing with firecrackers after that? Yes, to this day. You're just gonna throw some at Union Square right now?

I don't know if you had this grown up in El Salvador, but I don't even know if this is a thing anymore, but there were like PSAs too about not playing with blasting caps. Did you have that? What's a blasting cap? A blasting cap I think is used in construction. I don't, I'm not exactly sure,

but there were always this, there was like, shit, maybe this is just like a Georgia thing or, I don't know, but like kids don't play with blasting caps. Wait, can you, I can't even picture what that is. I think it's like probably a, you know, like 3M80s, the destruction, you know, it's a thing that I get- It's like a firecracker looking thing? I don't know, but I remember-

Oh, you just saw it like written. Oh yeah, and there were PSAs, kids don't play with blasting caps, you can lose an eye or whatever it was You know lose your lose your limbs. I Don't know I don't know it was like like a Like a construction grade. Yeah, like left on a construction site or something like that Well, certainly don't play with that. I Was I am still to this day terrified of fire I don't I don't like fire a lot of people are I well, but I like I never played with fireworks

I don't like candles don't know. Wow, that's I like Lighters make me uncomfortable. I I don't know about a gas lamp if you're walking down the street As long as it's not in my home. Okay. You're talking about indoor fire. I'm talking about indoor fire, yeah. Okay.

So what if you go to a restaurant and they have candles? It makes me uncomfortable. Do you say blow that out, sir, right now? Blow all of them out. Oh, yes, and one more thing. No, we're fine with water. And one more thing.

Blow out every candle in this restaurant. Now. Thank you this restaurant. Now. Thank you so much, yeah. No, tap is fine, or just still, I guess. Please blow out every candle before we continue this. If you want me to keep doing this, whatever this is. If you'd like me to, I was looking at the tater tots seem pretty good, but you're gonna have to blow out

all these candles. Yeah, no, not just our table. Yeah. Every candle in the restaurant. Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am? Yes, could you blow- Ma'am? Could you blow out your candle, please? Ma'am? Yeah. I just hate fire.

I love it. I do. You still love it. I still- Well, I mean, yeah, it's not something you get over, I think, as you age. I used to love fire when I was a child, but as I've gotten older, I find no joy in it. What sign are you? Uh, I was born Aries, but I legally had it changed to Sagittarius about shortly after 9-11. Because Aries got a bad. Say what?

Because Aries got a bad rap after 9-11. It was a vibe I was getting. Sure. Well, okay, so Aries, fire sign. Oh, is that true? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know shit about that. I love- Aries, playful?

You're very playful? I mean, everything that every astrology sign has. Oh, no, I'm not playful. I'm, no, I'm not saying you are playful, but I'm saying every attribute, every sign that has multiple attributes, I have some of those attributes from every single sign. It's garbage bullshit silliness. But I do, I'm like... And I know that's an Aries thing to say.

No, no, no, I just think Aries suits you. I'm half Aries and half ghost. And half ghost. Yeah. That's beautiful. Of the things that aren't real. And werewolf too, I'm a little werewolf. Okay, werewolves are coming up a lot. Is that your-

My daughter's thing. That's your daughter's thing. What did she watch or where did she get that from? You know, that's a good question. It started about- Cause it feels like a pretty older kid thing. Started about four months ago-ish and she decided that she's part, I shouldn't say decided, but she realized at some

point that she was, and I think some of it's just when little kids talk to their friends and their parents and whatever and they're like, they say things very straightforwardly. Like, you know, straightforwardly. Like, you know I'm part werewolf. I was like, oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, I found out I'm part werewolf. So there's gonna be, and she knows when the full moon, and we've got it on the calendar. And you gotta be careful. Wait, that's adorable. So she's part werewolf, part vampire, but mostly werewolf.

And it's the, yeah, this started out- I think she's been watching True Blood. No, you know, Bluey? but mostly werewolf and It's the yeah, this is about watching true blood No, you know bluey. I don't know if it's on bluey Blue is the little dog. Oh, it's the best. I love bluey. He's not a cop right? He's not like the You know the ones that are cops the dogs. Yeah Paw Patrol. Oh, they're not cops. Yeah, they're cops. Paw Patrol, they're cops. No, but they're like a roving band of,

I know they're completely corrupt. I've seen Paw Patrol and they're corrupt. They take bribes. Oh yeah, and they plan evidence and they murder people sitting in their car, especially the, you know, black women. Yeah, they crack down on protesters. Black women, they just shoot, murder, they murder, you know, that's, especially black women. Yeah, they crack down on protesters. Black women, they just shoot.

Murder, they murder, you know, that's, but- But Bluey's chill. Bluey's great. It's a family dog, two little girls, and dad and mom, and then cousin Muffy. And it's really, it's good. I've, most of the stuff that she watches, I'd say half of it is really good.

I'm really impressed with it. Octonauts, great. What's Octonauts about? Octonauts is a group of folks, animal things that do missions in the ocean. And then they've actually franchise not franchise, but what do you call it a spin-off type things where they're in the forest now and And you learn a little something about real

Real specific. Oh wait. I love that. Okay. Yeah, it's great and story box is really good and And there's a lot of crap. There's a lot of You know really good and there's a lot of crap. There's a lot of, you know, unicorn school and dragon girl camp and princess fairy. Wait, and this is the same show? No, no, no, no. These are just other things that, but there's some really good stuff for kids

that goes way beyond Sesame Street and stuff. That's educational, you know, and it teaches like social democracy. Oh! I shouldn't have said that. They'll get canceled. Oh no! Yeah.

They're grooming. They're grooming, yeah. They're trying to turn her into a caring human being. Oh no, groomer. Yep. And yeah, there's some really, really. Which ones do you not like? I mean, they're all, there's also crazy stuff like karate sheep and there's Mr. Bread.

Mr. Bread? Yeah, there's like some Korean, like crazy, Bread the Barber, Mr. Bread is like bread. A barber, Bread is a barber. Yeah, and there's some really great, great stuff out there and like really bizarre, crazy shit that I'm glad she likes that's kind of clever, crazy, kind of taking the mantle of like Fleischer cartoons

and Looney Tunes and just going way, way past it. Yeah, there's some really cool stuff. Stuff that I like to sit down and watch with her. Parade Sheep is weird. Do you ever watch them without her? No, I should though, I should. And I'm embarrassed. Sorry I couldn't wait.

She walks into the room and I'm embarrassed. Wait, like you were not in the mood to watch Bluey so I watched though. I should And she can I'm embarrassed. Sorry, I don't wait. She walks into the room Yeah, sorry, I couldn't wait like you were not in the mood to watch bluey. So I watched it And I just immediately switch over to the baseball game. I There's a baseball game Yeah, there's good good stuff out there have you seen hundreds of beavers No, but if that sounds fun That's a big damn. It's a black and white slapstick movie, no dialogue, you know, but really, really well

done and I can't remember where I saw it, but it's on one of those streamers, but 100s of Beavers, very silly. 100s of Beavers. It's very kind of Guy Madden, if Guy Madden did slapstick silly shit. Oh wait, that's so fun. Yeah, yeah, check it out. Hundreds of beavers. Hundreds of beavers.

Yeah. I think that I, okay, is there an animal that you connect with that you're like, oh, that's- Oh, otters, yeah. Otters, yeah, that checks out. I like beavers, even though I don't think I've ever seen a beaver with my own eyes. I've seen a bunch, yeah.

I never have I ever. The way they carry things, they seem to be like so burdened, but like, I just have to get this done. Is that? That's, yeah, go ahead. I don't know. I'm like, oh, that's me cleaning my apartment. She's like, oh, okay, I just gotta get this cup

all the way over there. Why don't you just save up your money and then once a month hire somebody. Get a different place? And get a different place, yeah. Yeah, get rid of, set fire to it. Collect the insurance, get a new place. New cups, new plates, all that.

I think I think definitely beaver I emphasize beaver also I guess a little platypus no why is that just cuz you're a mix or yeah yeah that's kind of weird mm-hmm octopus cuz they collect and decorate okay you know more about this stuff than I do, clearly. I just like otters because I'm very, they just have fun and they look like they're having fun and they're in the water.

I love being in the water. And they like shells, right? Well, they will use clam shells to open things. Oh, okay. They use tools. And they use tools to open their clam shells. And then, you know, you can use, if you get spaghetti and clams,

take one of the clams out of the shell and then just use the shell. Same with mussels. You gotta think of a moulin frites and get one and then use the shell to get the rest of the clams out. Don't try it with your fork. Do you feel like a little otter when you're doing that? I haven't, but I will.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I do like otters though. They're- A little otter guy. you're doing that? I haven't, but I will. Yeah, that's good. For sure, yeah. I do like otters though. You're a good otter guy. When I go to the aquarium, which I'll, if I have time and if I go to a new city. Coney Island? I haven't been to that one.

There's one down the pier from Coney Island too. There's like down the boardwalk. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been to that one. Like Brighton Beach area, right? I think I've been to that one, yeah. And, I've been to that one. Like Brighton Beach for area, right? A little further down. I think I've been to that one, yeah. And I haven't been to that one, but when I go home, when I go back to Georgia, I go

to the Georgia Aquarium. That one's huge. Huge. Yeah. And it's aw- I love it. I love it, I love it, I love it, and I take Marla there, and she's been going there since she was an infant. But there's the otter thing.

And I just go and do that. Do they have penguins? Yeah. I love penguins. No, the Georgia Aquarium's great. You've been there, right? No, I've only heard of it. Oh, it's great.

It's really, I love going there. It's not cheap, but it's really relaxing, meditative. Penguin, the villain, the Batman villain. The fact that he has an all-Penguin staff is something that I have always loved. What heaven? Do you have like a Penguin staff? Did you see Colin Farrell in the,

whatever that Batman movie was that has him? Yeah, but he doesn't, he has a human staff. He was great. Yeah, but there were no Penguins. He was fucking great. I, there were no fucking great I think they're going to be you think so because there's a TV show, right? Yeah, they're gonna make well movie or I didn't know It was him because the the prosthetic work is crazy. He's so good. Yeah, and And that in part because and then Colin Farrell like if I didn't know it was Colin Farrell

I'd be like Colin Farrell and I thought the actor was great and then I looked it up and realized it was Colin Farrell, I'd be like, I think I was good. Yeah, I thought it was Colin Farrell, and I thought the actor was great, and then I looked it up and realized it was Colin Farrell. Yeah, what a fun thing to do. That's the one that had the incel version of the Riddler. The Riddler, yeah. Which was a bit, you know, I was just, I watched it on the plane, and I was just hoping like, please don't do the guy who laughs whenever

in an inappropriate way and then screams a little bit because I'm the RIP. Like that kind of, sorry Emma. I should have warned you. I should have given you a... But I don't, I just, that's like a thing. And like there's another really, because Paul Dano's a good actor. And Andrew Scott is a really good actor. And he-

Was he in it? No, he was in it. No, but he was in Sherlock with Benedict Cumberbatch, which I really enjoyed. But he plays Moriarty and I'm like, please don't do the thing. What are you gonna do? Oh, sorry.

I'm gonna do it, ready? Please don't do the thing. What do you yell sometimes? And then you stop yelling, and because I'm better than you, and you know, it's just, come on guys. That's been done a million times. Wait, before I forget, my favorite Batman villain.

Okay. King Tut. What? King Tut? No. Okay. Calendar Girl. Who's Calendar Girl?

Okay. The Neil Sadaka song? No, Calendar Girl is this villain who her whole, oh my God, you should look her up. Her whole thing is she used to be a model. Okay. But then she aged out of it and she had- This is a real thing?

Yes. Okay. So she harbors resentment for all the agents and the editors that like told her she was too old to model. And she got apparently plastic surgery that deformed her. So she wears a mask. She wears this white mask over her face and you don't see her face. Did she get bit by a radioactive model?

No, she's just a model. So it has no super. Well, she's, you know, reasonably fit. Okay. But no, no, she has henchmen. And she like, every time that she appears, because her whole shtick is being a calendar girl, it's like, she's robbing this bank now,

but as the 4th of July, so then she'll have like fireworks and like her henchmen would be like an Uncle Sam hit. Yeah. And then- No, wait, wait. Is this a comic book? Is this a TV? I saw it in the animated series, in the Batman animated series. Okay. And or like she'll be like, oh, now she's robbing this other place and she'll do it as like St. March and then she'll be like in green and then like her henchmen will have like clovers.

Who cares about robbing banks anymore? Like shouldn't Batman be solely focused on saving lives? Oh no, it's always banks and UCMs. Who gives a shit about the bank? And it's all federally insured, right? FDIC. I mean, yeah, I'm like, whenever I hear about someone robbing a bank, I'm like, go off. Yeah.

Absolutely go off. Yeah. Anyway, she, her whole thing is like, I'm hideous, I'm hideous, I'm hideous, and she's wearing a mask the whole time. And at the end of the episode, they arrest her, cops arrest her, and then her mask falls off, and then her hair is covering up her face, and then she's screaming, don't look at me, I'm hideous, don't look at me, I'm hideous, and then she lifts her neck up,

and you see her face and she's stunning. And Batgirl goes, whispers to Batman, but she's beautiful. And Batman says, yes, but she doesn't see it. I know, favorite villain. They should anchor a movie, the next movie on Calendar Girl. I like it, yeah, why not?

Be fun. But just, but not the United States calendar, like the Canadian calendar. Sure. Oh yeah, oh my God, the layers of it. She's calendar girl. Oh wait, but she's the Canadian calendar girl. Boxing day.

Yeah, it's like, oh, like Thanksgiving is like all on a different, okay, yeah, right. Julio Torres, is there any place you wanna, or anything you wanna say, your upcoming shows or things? No, I'm literally doing nothing right now. All right. Well, thank you so much for coming. You truly are one of my, I'd say top 72 standups. Whoa!

This year. Currently, as of this week. Currently, yeah. I'd say top 72 stand-ups. Whoa! This year. Currently, as of this week. Currently, yeah. Huge. No, but I remember the first time I saw you, it was like, holy shit, this guy is fucking funny. And also your delivery is great too,

but really, really great writer. You seem like a good dude. So I end every episode with a question for my daughter. Stan Love it. Stan Okay. Well, that's a big change because you earlier were saying you don't like questions. Marshall No, but I, okay, no. If she hits me with a tangible, if she hits me with uh... Stan How does the sun work? Marshall Yeah, then no, but it better be...

Stan All right, well,- Better be a philosophical question. I better pick a different. Okay, I'm gonna skip this one. Okay, is it how to tie my shoes? Cause I don't know. No, it's a- I don't know. It's not that.

Oh, here we go. Here's a good one. All right. Julio Torres. Question from my daughter. If the street were clean, could you lick it? Yeah, you can lick the street at any state. I guess the question is, should you?

That's not the question. The question is, if the street were clean, could you lick it? Yeah. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Let's not tell a seven-year-old, that's not, you know, the question should be. Here's where you're wrong. You're not thinking. See, this is why I'm not having kids. I don't think she's wrong. No, but I'm saying, I'm

like, I think she should know that she has- It's not wrong. It's a question. She should know that she has the choice to lick the street whenever she wants. She does not, absolutely does not have the choice to lick the street whenever she wants. But she probably shouldn't. We live in New York.

I don't want her licking the street. But if the street were clean, and I think that's probably where this idea came from, this question, I don't prompt her on any of these. She just comes up on them and she'll either ask the question, I'll go, that's good for the podcast or say, daddy, I have a question for your podcast. And Tell her I said yes.

Okay. I'm not gonna expand on it. That's that. Well, I do want to expand on it, but Oh, go ahead. All right, Fine. Yes. Um... No, I'm gonna leave it there.

Yes. All right. All right, Julio. Thank you so much for coming in. Thank you. Sense is Working Over Time is a HeadGum podcast created and hosted by me, David Cross. The show is edited by Katie Skelton and hosted by me, David Cross. The show is edited by Katie Skelton and engineered by Nicole Lyons with supervising producer Emma Foley. Thanks

to Demi Druchen for our show art and Mark Rivers for our theme song. For more podcasts by Headgum, visit Headgum.com or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and maybe we'll read it on a future episode. I'm not gonna do that. Thanks for listening.