Sex, Lies & DM Slides - 104. Do You Have to Be Fully Healed to Date Again?

Episode Date: August 7, 2024

Today, we tackle the big question: do you have to be fully healed to date again? We explore what it truly means to be healed and why some people find it hard to hop from relationship to relationship. What is this "healing era" everyone talks about, and why is it easier to heal when you hate somebody? We also discuss the signs that you might not be ready to date again and whether searching your ex on socials counts as a red flag. Join us for a deep dive into the complexities of healing and dating. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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over heels we're not even halfway through the questions and look at us we're like this we're locked we're locked in um no it was I mean how right these 36 questions you meant to answer in four minutes we've done two podcast episodes and we still haven't finished them so how we were doing four minutes I really don't know but yeah anyways today's topic we are diving into a topic that's often very debated um do you really have to be fully healed to date again so Anna and I thought we'd explore this together um so we've got like quite a few questions I guess we're going to go down and we can both give our opinions on. So I guess starting off, like, what does it mean to be healed before you start dating again? It's so hard because when people say you're healed, does that mean you're like, you're fully over your past situation?

Because for me, if you're healed, I think so think so yeah like you're fully done with it which yeah i guess that is exactly what it means you're done with your past situation you're completely over it you're ready to find someone new and put all of your effort into that which is so exciting and like part of it first of all actually before we answer these do you believe you have to be healed to be able to move on something yeah one million percent i honestly i don't think this is just me personally i just can't do this like how people can hop from like relationship to relationship i can't do it because i have to work so much like on myself and getting over that person before i can even look at somebody else like that is just how my brain works i just physically can't do it and i think like in order

to be able to like fully move on with somebody else and put all of your time and effort in something else your brain has to be completely clear of all those past situations and that can be like take different time frames for different people some people can do that in like a month some people it takes a year and i guess i'm just one of those fucking people where it takes actually stupid amount of time but well no it depends what you've gone through it depends what your yeah your last relationship was like yeah it depends how like yeah how attached you were to that person and how much you relied on that person and it depends if you hate that person if you're still in love with that person i think actually hatred's easier to move on i think it's easier

to heal when you hate somebody sometimes it's easier when you have an excuse and a reason yeah yeah yeah when you have a reason rather than just they falling out of love with you or vice versa I think that's definitely harder let's go rbc avion visa lets you get there your way whether you want to suit up for peak ski season or spring break with a whole fam and a whole lot of sunblock or even book last minute and go on a whim. Choose from over 130 airlines on last minute or peak season travel with no points hike. Switch to RBC Avion Visa and get up to 55,000 bonus Avion points. Limited time offer, conditions apply. Visit RBC.com slash Avion. At Pennzoil, we have one job. We'll be right back. And how, with the Pennzoil Platinum Up to 15-Year, 800,000 Kilometer Protection Guarantee,

your adventures will be many. Pennzoil. Long may we drive. Available at your local Canadian tire. Enrollment required. Keep your receipts. Other conditions apply. See Pennzoil.ca slash warranty for full details. Let's go. But yeah, I think 100% you've got to be healed because otherwise everything you do will compare to them yeah exactly you won't even you wouldn't even think straight if you're not healed i think

because obviously the question is what does it mean to be healed before you start dating again i think like when people say they're like in the healing era, I think it's very much you're trying to do the things that you was maybe. For me, if I said I was in my healing era, I'm probably trying to do the things I was doing before I was even in the relationship, which was, you know, making time for myself, prioritizing myself, doing things that I love. I think that would be me in my healing era I think if I'm healed it's I'm content with where I am I'm satisfied with who I am you know like I have

self-love I love what I'm doing I think that would probably be me healed yeah I think in my healing era I'd also kind of reflect on you know whatever situation I just come out of and work out now what I want in a person and what I don't want in a person so it would really make me reflect on their actions and what i'd now accept and what i wouldn't accept yeah and it's all kind of like a big i believe everything happens for a reason i learn lessons from every single person that i meet so that could be like a massive lesson that i'm like right now i know i'm not going to be treated like that so i feel like yeah in my healing era i'm like learning more about myself and how i can handle situations and then yeah when i'm healed i'm like right this is what i want now this is what i'm

looking for it just completely healing changes your mindset and how you approach situations which actually i think is a beautiful thing because that's how we grow as people look at us today yeah wow i know god i can't believe so what would you say are some signs that you might not be ready today again i think if you're always not even always say if you're like going on a date with someone and you're comparing them to that previous person or your mind is still kind of thinking about like where are they what are they doing yeah anything like that like when you're comparing it and their name is still on the tip of your tongue or like you're thinking or you know what like when you wake up in the morning and they're still in your thoughts your morning thoughts or your evening thoughts before you go to sleep, then I don't think you're fully healed.

Because I've had that for a very long time and I've not felt at peace until they haven't been in my thoughts. Okay, what if your friend looked and said they're fully healed but they still searched their ex up? On Instagram? What would you say to that? See, it's hard because you can be healed, but you can still be curious.

But then I think in the long run, you're only hurting yourself by doing that. Yeah, so would you say that's actually fully healed? Probably not. What if they hated them? Rather than was in love with them. You can still hate the person, but I think it should be outside our mind.

Done with the situation. Like if you're actually healed. Yeah, if you're actually healed because you won't give a shit. And you won't want to look. It won't even be a thought in your head to look no that's actually very true because very very true i again used to do that a lot and then i found my then one day i just stopped doing it and then i just realized actually i was genuinely only hurting myself more by looking at who he was following and looking back would you

say i wasn't actually as healed as i thought i was oh yeah and i knew i wasn't but then when i come out of it i was like oh i'm actually fine now like i knew when i was doing that i was like i know that i'm still you know and it becomes almost like a routine thing when you're doing something like that and it's really hard to break the routine of doing it because you're so used to doing it and then it's like i remember i'd applaud myself i'd get to one week i'm not doing it i'm like i've not done it for a week god this is amazing blah blah and you just do do those things because it's so fucking addictive i think we've all been there right but everyone's been there done that every single person has done that like that it's just

in the this day and age of social media it's just too easy not to yeah now we've all got our little secret accounts my little round of secret with a random name that i could stalk people on it we've all got them but yeah i think that when you're fully healed the thought won't even be in your mind no true to actually want to look or to actually do it because you just won't care anymore no i very very much agree yeah i think it's yeah obviously like you said you covered that you're hurting yourself but i think it's also yeah i think if you don't care about if you you yeah you just i mean it's different if you search them up once a year you know because you thought i wonder what they're up to yeah that's so i wonder how they're doing yeah this is so different but if you're like weekly still checking their account

even if it's that you hate them you obviously there's still something there yeah 100 there's just got to be because i do think you know when you don't care you really aren't checking yeah when you don't care it won't even become really don't care it won't even be a thought in your day to do it no like i would say this one person i very really don't like the word hate it's a very strong word but i would go as far as i very strongly dislike her she's not a very nice person at all and she i don't think i've ever searched her name for my life because quite frankly i do not give a shit what she's doing because i just think she's an awful person and i don't even want to see it it's outside out of mind it's like why would you even waste your time looking yeah it's like that sort of yes I think that is like a good way to tell if you're like

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Can you think of a time then when you started dating? Or if you dated before you were fully healed? And how did it go? I actually don't know if I can think of a time like that. I don't think I've ever got myself in a situation. I actually don't think I have. I've not got myself into like a deep situation but i've definitely gone on dates with people when i still wasn't over somebody i've definitely more like i'll get back from the date and i'm just like that just wasn't that person yeah or like oh i wish i was with that person rather than that person which is not

I don't think there's ever been a time where like I've dated someone else no because I wouldn't date someone else and I wouldn't see somebody else if I still had feelings for my ex I just wouldn't do that I genuinely wouldn't I think it's really unfair on them too but I definitely think there's probably times that yeah like I've started texting someone again and I guess maybe I haven't been over not even over the situation but sometimes I think you need time alone like sometimes I think you need time for yourself like I if I'm speaking to somebody I'm either speak with you because I like really freaking like you or that I just don't bother. Yeah.

For me, there's never an in-between. Like everyone knows me. I don't just like text guys for the fun of it. Yeah. Like it's just, it's just not me. I've never been that way. I can't be bothered to speak to somebody that I don't really, really like. So that's like never been a thing for me.

However, I feel as if there's probably been times where I've thought to myself Saf you should probably just have time by yourself yeah I don't really think there's ever been a time where I'm like oh I'm not over my ex I'm speaking to someone else like that's never been a thing yeah when when it happened for me when I went on a date and I realized I went on that date not actually realizing that I wasn't over the person and sometimes it takes those situations to be like oh shit actually I'm not like you can think you are but then when you do put yourself back out there it only makes it's only that that makes you realize you're actually

not fully healed yeah and then I was like right shit okay actually I can't do this so I think it's just healing it takes different time for different people and like people have to be put in different situations to realize okay actually I'm ready to see someone again or I'm not ready to see someone again or I want to be on my own like I feel like I'm just that kind of like stage now where nobody's son is pissing me off which I love because I'm finally just like you know I actually can wake up in the morning and not have a thought about anything to do with a boy but then I'm also just like not looking for it I'm just kind of like if it happens it happens and I'm actually

open to it happening now like I'm not like I've always been so against it I'm always like oh my god I can't fall in love can't do it don't want it whereas like i actually like i'm now god now she's over now i'm actually looking at love as like something like she's getting older she's it's scary but i actually look at love now and i'm like oh i actually like it looks fun like i actually kind of like want to be in love with somebody like that'd actually be really nice so i'm not as against it as i was which is part of growing up i'm part of it's gonna be weird though the day that you go this is my boyfriend i'm gonna be like sorry what when i introduced my boyfriend well i don't have a boyfriend now but like future boyfriend to somebody well to you guys no it's not it's not

gonna look right me sat there with no it's not but it's very quickly gonna look right yeah it will it's crazy how quickly it'll become normal yeah but like the first time everyone we see like i've never been like because even when i had a boyfriend like he only met a couple of my friends like he never met you he never met like a lot of people so it's gonna be really weird for me to be like oh this is my boyfriend and me to like hug and kiss someone in front of people I've just not done that before yeah it's gonna be really weird but that's also quite exciting like that's the moment when you know I'm like grown up and I'm here when i'm like yeah i'm like this is my boyfriend grown yeah she's grown now she's healed she's grown um okay finally to end this podcast episode off then can relationships themselves be a part of a healing process do you

think what do you mean like being in a relationship can help heal yeah do you think it can help yeah i think if it's not if you're not like trying to get over an ex and yes like i think if you're trying to heal like because i think some people will be okay so like say somebody now had trust issues from their last relationship yeah but there was over that person like i think if somebody like if somebody cheats on you they do something to you know get rid of your trust you probably are gonna have trust issues for a very long time and I do think a really good healthy relationship can help heal that so yes I do think it can also help heal yeah I think if I'm answering the question yeah you're right i think it just depends what you're healing from if you're not healing from a person but you're more healing from somebody's actions or things that you need to work on within yourself like you said

like trust or yeah learning to love yourself again or you know having a person respect you in a certain way then a relationship a positive relationship can definitely teach you those things and like restore those things within you but if you're in a relationship a positive relationship can definitely teach you those things and like restore those things within you but if you're in a relationship trying to get over another relationship i personally don't think that is going to help because you're just going to build up emotions on emotions and trauma and then when you come out of that yeah you're just faced with oh shit now i've got a double whammy of things piling up so yeah i think they can heal you from emotions but not from people yeah but overall i think we're doing pretty well i think

we're we're healed we're healing girlies we're we're absolutely healed girlies we're girlies we're off to ib for this summer we're healed girlies yay exciting i'm excited i'm not necessarily gonna have a hot girl summer because i'm a bit like i'm a bit i'm genuinely not even yeah but the night we've been hot girl summer isn't sleeping around it's just having fun with your friends yeah so we're gonna have that yeah we're gonna have that we're gonna make memories maybe one too many shots and one too many bad decisions but that's i'd rather look back at my 20s and think oh fuck what a bad decision then oh i didn't do it well thank you all so much for listening i hope you have enjoyed this episode make sure to go and check out tuesday's episode if you haven't already and we will see you next tuesday for another

episode bye everyone see you guys then bye sex size and dm size is a spotify original podcast it was produced by spirit studios