Sex, Lies & DM Slides - 22. Your DMs: Can friends-with-benefits ever work out?

Episode Date: October 18, 2023

It's Thursday and it's time to dig into our DMs from you guys. In Tuesdays episode Saff told the story of her Friends with Benefits situation over the summer but we wanted to dig into it some more and hear some of your stories and opinions. We unpack what we define FWB to be, what we actually mean by it "working out" and what typically make it all fall apart with feelings being hurt. (01:35) Saff recaps why her FWB felt like the perfect scenario (02:10) Where's the friendship at now? (03:20) Poll Results: "Can FWB ever work out?" (04:56) Q&A DMs: Tell us your opinions and stories about FWB (05:25) "It's only gonna go wrong if one person catches feelings" (06:35) Do you think it's easier if it's someone you've been friends with beforehand, or someone new to your life? (10:56) Do you think men and women approach Friends with Benefits differently? (12:48) Tips for telling your FWB that you've caught feelings (14:43) "Yes! It can work!" Your thoughts.. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi everyone. Happy Thursday. Welcome back to Sex Eyes and DM Sides. I am loving the fact that you guys are now hearing from us twice a week. Yeah, I am so excited about this because we have so much to catch you guys up on that there's so much. Yeah, I feel like it's much needed two episodes a week at this point because there's a lot to spill, a lot to debr debrief so if you guys haven't seen Tuesday's episode definitely go and give it a watch and if you have I really hope you enjoyed hearing about mine and Anna's situationships what we've been going through Anna's first relationship my very very situationship. But yeah, we discussed and debriefed a lot about our personal love life. So I hope you guys enjoyed.

In that episode, I feel like we massively unpacked your friends with benefits situation. So we're kind of- Yes. We're going to continue on that conversation in this one, but we're going to hear a little bit from you guys about your friends with benefits situations yeah can friends with benefits work that is the big question and it was something I was very against but I have evidence that it can

work so but really weirdly I'm still kind of against it so I don't know I think everyone needs to experience it at least once because it's going to be so personal to each individual whether it can work or not and like you know like you've said you've done it but you don't think it can work even though it has worked I know it's weird that isn't it I just think I was so lucky with how mine turned out and I think it's because I was genuinely like best friends with who I was friends of benefits with was like one of my best mates first and I think we always knew that we were never although we did kind of cross the line of friends we always knew that like our friendship would be first

and so I think I was so so lucky it wasn't like you know I fancied a guy on a night out and then we were like oh let's be friends with benefits because that for me is not gonna work I'm gonna get way too attached you know I forgot to ask this so where's the friendship at now the friendship's amazing like that's the weirdest thing so it has worked essentially to me that is friends with benefits working right it's serving its purpose and then being friends still which is what's happened to us that's amazing that you've still got pretty much the exact same friendship that you did have just without the added benefits yeah and it's

weird because like none of us I mean he might feel differently but like I don't want the added benefits like I'm just I don't know it ended the right time. It lasted for a good amount of time. And then, I don't know, I don't want to go back there. It's not like a, yeah, it's not like a thing I want to go back to. I enjoyed it whilst it lasted. But now I'm like, that was that. That was that point in my life. And, you know, I've kind of moved on from that now.

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Okay, so you're saying that it can't work. Well, it can work, it can't work. I'm unsure. You put a poll on Instagram. What was the outcome of the poll were people saying it can work the outcome was 68% people said no it can't work really so more for no but do you know what's crazy is when I was going through my DMs to everyone that had replied yes had pretty much given me a reason as to why it worked and most the um DMs started with yes it can definitely work because they're now my wife or yes it can work because we've been together five years but to me that isn't friends of benefits working because i thought the point of friends of benefits was your friends that have benefits and then if it

works it works because well kind of like my situation because yeah it it served its purpose and you guys have kind of i don't know found someone else or moved on or like yeah it served its purpose and you guys have kind of I don't know found someone else or moved on or like yeah it just I guess died slowly like to me that's what I envision friends of benefits working if you're going to get with someone and be with them or that then be your husband or wife I'm like surely that's not worked well because that would surely mean that feelings were always involved to some extent whereas like with friends with benefits that you said there should be no feelings you should just be able to switch that off and enjoy like for me i we didn't have feelings i can actually speak for both of us like we didn't like we had feelings in the sense of we loved each

other as people and we'd never ever do anything to hurt each other and we were never sleeping around with other people because morally neither of us could do that but there wasn't like that deeper sort of like feeling you know yeah well i put a question box on on my instagram to kind of ask people their opinions on it and like what their stories were and again I felt like it was kind of 50 50 split-ish maybe but I got a lot so the no ones so a lot of people say no no I realized I fell in love with him and now I'm stuck and I don't know how to tell him never good never someone always catches feelings it is fun though and someone else said no no no he caught feelings and asked me to be his girlfriend every day for a week but this this is where it goes wrong because it's only going to go wrong if one person catches feelings yes yeah because the other person these people that okay

this guy right that's asked her to be his girlfriend every day did they have the conversation we're going to be friends for benefits because I feel like if they had that conversation surely even if he wanted to he wouldn't be asking that that is true but then I guess it so depends on the situation but then sometimes you might just end up liking someone even if you've had that conversation and you've decided yeah this is never going to be anything more. In a way, if I had that conversation, it might give me the thrill to actually end up liking you more than I probably should. Yeah, because you know that you can't. Because you know that you can't.

Whereas like you in your situation, you never had that conversation. And it has worked out really well for you. Which I still don't advise though. Again, I'm going back to like like I genuinely think I was so lucky um yeah I think it I think it definitely is something that needs to be spoken about or needs to be clarified because it someone is always going to get hurt if someone does catch feelings do you think you'd find it easier Anna if it was a friend beforehand or a random guy that you fancied that you met out and then you decided to be friends with benefits.

What do you think personally would be easier? I think the only thing with it being a friend beforehand is I'd be a bit worried about is the friendship going to go back to how it was before we've now started sleeping with each other? Like, and then when does it stop? Because does it stop when I want it to stop or when you want it to stop or you know am I going to get hurt if you say you want this to to end because you found someone else and am I then going to start to get jealous even though I shouldn't but you're you've now got to still be in my life because you're one of my best friends

it's not as though I can just cut you off because you're one of my best friends whereas I think if it was someone that I met randomly out before and I didn't have that deeper friendship connection with them maybe I would more that would more just be for sex let's have a bit of fun that's where it ends how about you what about you well I think the only reason it worked for me was because he was a friend like I think if it was somebody I've met out and about and I fancied them I think I would to be honest no I wouldn't even because I've never even wanted friends of benefit so that's never that's never been a desire for me like I feel like I love relationships because I love all the relationship cutesy things you know like they're the bits I love yeah and you were kind of doing some of that you were going on date with

your friends of benefits yeah but that's when we weren't really friends of benefits so I feel like you really gotta listen to Tuesday's episode to kind of understand my situationship it never it never was planned out to be that we never had that conversation just very quickly over time we realized we didn't have that deeper sort of like feeling for each other so it kind of ended up being friends benefits so I think that's why it worked but yeah I think if it was a guy that I'd met out I definitely don't think it would work um yeah I wouldn't even want I wouldn't even want that to work I don't know and it's weird because I actually know a lot of people that like have slept with like they're really good friends and whether or not it'd be a one-time thing or not like a lot of them actually have been fine and like they're still friends because yeah I guess their

friendship is the most important thing so I mean I'm I don't really have many guy friends to be honest like this is he was really like my only guy friend. Obviously I have friends that are guys, but not like best friends. I don't, my friendship circle isn't guys, whereas yours, Anna, there's more guys than girls. So I would never, I would never ever would have had that before, you know?

See, I don't really care about admitting it. I have slept with some of my guy friends but it hasn't it hasn't been like a friend a full-blown like friends with benefits situation but maybe we could touch on that in like a different episode I feel like it's a big conversation but yeah I have like dabbled in that before yeah and and it hasn't ruined the the friendship no it hasn't so maybe if it maybe the it hasn't at all. So maybe if a friend's benefits is going to work, maybe, and I'm not saying go sleep with your friends, guys. Please don't.

Please don't. Go sleep with your best friend. But maybe the ones that do work are the ones that were friends before. Because I think you're really conscious of not ruining a friendship. So maybe there's more respect true that you know what that is very true and I think judging off both of the situations that we've been in that would explain why it has worked yeah because I think okay say

one of your mates that you had set with right because he's a really good friend of yours I very highly doubt he was out sleeping with other people no the same time he was sleeping whereas if you met someone out and you're like oh let's be friends benefits they don't really have any loyalty to you like I'm sure they're sleeping with other people speaking to other people you know that is very true and I guess like from yeah I guess if I was to meet someone in a club or meet someone at a bar and then become friends with benefits with them I think I naturally would maybe start gaining those feelings because it's a new person exactly yeah do you think that men and women like approach it differently probably not because I feel like I was gonna say yeah really do you think but why would you say yeah because I think we approach everything differently

but with friends with benefits if you're both on the same page I think it's just pot luck if one of you does catch feelings in my head it would always be the girl that's technically going to catch feelings and the boy is going to be like whatever but like from what someone said and when they sent in they said no he caught feelings and he asked me to be his girlfriend everything like every day for a week and she wasn't bothered I don't know it's hard isn't it I guess because you always want what you can't have and I think that especially goes to guys I think yeah naturally on paper right guys are more emotion girls are more emotional than guys and girls get attached quicker like that's just a very known thing not to say guys don't have anywhere near as many feelings or anything like that but that's naturally what happens but guys

also I think are more likely to want what they can't have than girls if that makes sense like guys don't like getting their ego hurt so I think if a if a girl says to a guy like oh no I have no feelings like it's literally just friends with benefits I can actually see a guy getting more attached yes I also think guys are maybe just a little bit better at masking their emotions so like they'll probably pretend that it's fine but then inside there they probably will be a bit like oh shit yeah I mean I feel like they're just better at hiding it maybe what we are it's a new day how can you make the most of it with your membership rewards points?

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Let's go. sunnybrook is special learn more at sunnybrook.ca special how would you approach like communicating with your friends of benefit if you did catch feelings like would you literally just sit them down and be like look i think being honest is like the best thing in the world because I think eventually the truth will like always come out and I think for me personally I I think I would say how I feel even if it risks me getting hurt because there could be a chance he could feel the same way and I don't know I think as I've got older I'm less embarrassed to say how I feel like I don't really care if someone thinks oh she caught feelings for me and I didn't I'm like so what grow up be mature like yeah I'm just not really that bothered anymore I think I would just say how I feel because you, there could be a chance that he's feeling the same way.

Like you said, guys are less likely to show their emotions. They're a lot better at hiding it than us girls. So there's a big chance he could feel the same way. And if not, well, at least I know now, rather than wondering, well, what if? What if he feels this way? Oh, I wonder if he does. I completely agree.

I think, like you said, as I've got older, I would much rather be honest about my emotions because I protect my own emotions a lot. And I would rather, if I have realised, shit, actually, I do quite like you, I would rather swallow my own pride and say that. And if it isn't reciprocated fine I've cut it off before I'm gonna get more hurt exactly and I think that is just part of becoming older

and slightly maybe more emotionally mature that we actually realize that we probably should put our own feelings first slow for us I need to saying slay okay so on the flip side um there were a lot of people that did say yes it can work and so these were some of the replies one of them being um yes when you're younger why not um i actually almost disagree like i think it's worse when you're younger because you're probably gonna have more emotions and I think you get more confused with your emotions yeah I understand the why not like you live 100% yeah yeah I get that but yeah when I'm younger I would not want to be in a friends of benefit situation no I I yeah I do not that's what I'm more likely yeah I'm more likely to fall for you when I'm that age.

Another one was, yes, my friends of benefits was my ex-boyfriend's best, ex-boyfriend's best friend. Ex-boyfriend's best friend. I'm just reading this for the first time. That is crazy. But then they're together. So is that friends of benefits? To me, that isn't friends of benefits

that's you just got with your ex-boyfriend's best friend best friend and i want to know did you fancy the best friend all along yeah because that's what i want to know that's that's getting a little bit deeper and how does the ex-boyfriend feel about that and like do you think that's friends of benefits like i guess i i imagine right how it happened was they set up each other one time and thought oh my god blah blah but then surely that's you just seeing each other but just having to be discreet about it because it's your ex-boyfriend's best friend you know yes and I also want to know like sorry you're gonna have to message and send some more information because I need to know what went on did you sleep with the best friend as like a revenge situation from the ex-boyfriend or did you genuinely just

want to have sex with the best friend and then you caught feelings like I need more info on this how this came about and was it actually friends with benefits yeah because I don't know to me that doesn't sound like friends with benefits I mean mean... But good for you, girl. It could have been. You've been together for two years now. Yeah. And maybe that is how friends with benefits work. I just never realised the outcome of friends with benefits

for it to work and be successful was to be together. Neither, because there definitely was always feelings involved. But then someone else said, yes, we were friends with benefits for a whole year and then became official and our six years later we're engaged with a baby boy how is this no how is this happening like well maybe you got lucky like if both of you like both of you caught feelings i feel like that's a very lucky situation to go from a friend of benefits to you've met your partner for life. Yeah, that's crazy. I think the foundations of like all the best relationships are built off of friendships.

So maybe they were really good friends before and then just decided to try something else. And then thought. Yeah. Do you know what's crazy though? Is obviously without a doubt doubt like personality is the most important thing but for me I think the reason my whole friends benefit situation happened and I speak on both of us is we were friends for such a long time and we were never anything more than that because I don't think we were I guess attracted to each other enough to ever think oh we're gonna like get

together be in a relationship so I don't know I always find that crazy when people are friends for so long and then end up like actually being together because I'm like I don't know is it gonna last because at the end of the day obviously it's so much more than like it's so much deeper than just being attracted and and looks but also you have got to be attractive to your partner I guess it's different because if they were friends of benefits they were attractive to each other I guess so yeah a hundred percent I mean I'm very happy for her even though technically we don't know the foundations of like were you friends before but you're now engaged you're getting married congratulations and you've got a beautiful little boy so that's a very nice outcome to friends We don't know the foundations of like, were you friends before? But you're now engaged, you're getting married. Congratulations.

And you've got a beautiful little boy. So that's a very nice outcome to friends with benefits. What do you think is like the key factor then for it to work? I think if friends with benefits is going to work, communication has got to be there. I think always just make sure you're on the same page to avoid one of you catching feelings and to avoid one of you getting hurt what what do you think yeah and I think just being honest

as well yeah a hundred percent to speak from my first hand situation like okay I didn't really communicate that much I advise definitely communicating But I knew that we were both so honest in the sense of, you know, if we ever had feelings for someone else or like we were ever going to do something, like I knew that we'd be honest with each other. And so I think, yeah, communication and just being honest

are just as important as each other for it to work. I completely agree. Well, thank you guys for sending in your responses and your scenarios. I still want to know more about that best friend one. So, girly, if you're listening, please DM me because I want to know the rest of that story. And Anna's going to be messaging her boy mates,

like, who's up for friends and benefits after this episode? They're going to listen to this and think, Anna, please, not again. Honestly, I get ripped into it all the time. People are like, you've slept with your friends. I'm like, yes, ha ha. Should I make my way around the friendship group? That is so funny.

Yeah, thank you so much, guys, for sending in your answers. Love listening to them. And yeah, I just want to know more now. So thank you so much, guys. And if you want to know more now so thank you so much guys and if you want to hear more from us come back next tuesday we've got another long juicy episode for you guys you're not ready thank you so much guys for watching and we shall see you then bye