Sex, Lies & DM Slides - 26. Your DMs: Is ghosting EVER justified?

Episode Date: November 2, 2023

Is there ever a nice way to ghost someone? We always assume being ghosted is a brutal way of letting someone know you're no longer interested, but could there be a different perspective to consider? Let's dive in together... (0:00) - What you missed in the main episode (0:39) - Your experiences with ghosting (0:47) - Is ghosting always a bad thing? (1:55) - Asking you about ways to ghost someone (2:04) - What are the good reasons to ghost? (6:00) - No, there aren’t good reasons to ghost (7:36) - We’ve put our producer to work - why would his friends ghost someone? (9:52) - Are guys scared to get into relationships? (11:28) - Are there different forms of ghosting? (13:02) - Ghosting to make us want them more, it’s an ego thing (13:50) - When does ghosting hurt the most? (16:03) - Guys who ghost but still watch everything you do Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

let's go hi guys happy thursday and welcome back to sex lies and dm slides i am so happy to be back me too i so if you haven't already listened to tuesday's episode this week we covered ghosting which is something that we've never really spoken about in the podcast before. We haven't, but we've definitely experienced it firsthand. So we had a lot of opinions. And I feel like we're still left a bit confused though, aren't we? Like why do people really ghost? Me too. So if you want to hear our experiences, you can go and listen to our episode from Tuesday.

But this time we're going to hear from you guys about all of your ghosting experiences. So I actually put out a poll on my instagram and i asked is ghosting always a bad thing and it was very nearly a 50 50 split really so it was it was 55 said yes just be up front and then 45 said no sometimes it's fine so that was so close to being 50-50. Let me just check it to see if it's changed since. And let me just see if it's gone to 50-50. It's 54-46 now.

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Get more everything with FanDuel Sportsbook and Casino. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600. Visit connectsontario.ca. Let's go. I think it is a bad thing and you should be upfront. But also I don't know if the people that are saying no, sometimes it's fine. I guess it does does depend on the situation. Like if you're just speaking to someone casually, and then you suddenly decide you don't want to speak to them anymore. I kind of get it. But if you're like seeing someone or really like intensely speaking to them i think it's so out of order so it's like levels to the ghosting i think it's what we've figured out but

we also ask like you guys as well you put a question box out didn't you i did like ways to go someone and is there a good reason yeah where do we start well we've got some for yes and some for no should we do yes first yeah should we stop the yeses okay so one of the reasons was when they're not giving the same energy back that okay is that a reason well hear me out okay there's a guy that i actually really fancy that i've been messaging but over time like his replies are quite slow but mine aren't the fastest but now i'm a bit like do i even want to reply because i don't know if he's just replying to be nice at this point or because for me like if some if i'm speaking to someone i want them to want me so bad

so unless they're like giving that i'm'm like, I'm not going to bother. And I haven't replied to his last message because I'm a bit like, do I reply? Is it because his replies got slower? Yeah. And I'm just a bit like, is he just messaging me to be nice? He doesn't want to ghost me. Like, so I've actually stopped replying, which technically I am. So you've ghosted.

Yeah, but see, I didn't really class that as ghosting until the last episode. I kind of thought that ghosting was when you're like so intense with someone and then you disappear off the face of the earth. Like if he messaged me again, I'm replying.

Okay, so then you haven't ghosted, but then that like, that kind of leaves it in a bit of a weird position because like the door's kind of still half open. you know what i mean like in his eyes it's probably playing games so probably should just reply i'm not giving advice as to what you should do but i kind of get it on not getting the same energy back yes i do understand that someone else said yes when you've politely said no already but they're persisting oh yeah then that makes sense said yes when you've politely said no already but they're persisting oh yeah then that makes sense i think if you've already made it very clear that you're

not interested and you don't want to speak to them anymore don't keep messaging no that's just going to annoy the person so yeah then i think you're well within your right then to not respond yeah yeah but you've already given a reason though see if someone gives me a reason i won't message them again that's why i don't like ghosting so i might just be honest you've given me a reason why i shouldn't message you and it's valid fair okay i'm not messaging you again lots of people said when they don't take no for an answer so that's same kind of thing right very similar and i completely get that if they're not gonna if they're not going to understand it sorry you're not getting a response end of the last one after one day i don't need a paragraph explaining what you don't like about me oh wow see i do understand that to

a point right because it depends how deep the paragraph was because if i went on a date with someone and then i get a it was lovely to meet you by the way but i didn't like oh babe then i'm never no i'd be like get that you're confident too high have you ever had that i've never had that i've never been on a date where no like someone's messaged me after to be like i didn't like this about you like in that if you're gonna say that then maybe i would prefer you to stay silent yeah exactly if you're gonna do that then just i i would i don't know there's the same with rather than be honest yeah but also that's just kind of uncalled for i don't know if it's like a first date that is quite uncalled for i think it like yeah i think it depends on the amount of honesty they're gonna give you like if they're about to list off things they didn't like don't do that

but if they're about to say like i actually don't think i'm ready then yeah or maybe if they're about to list off things they didn't like, don't do that. But if they're about to say like, I actually don't think I'm ready, then. Yeah. Or maybe if they were like, I had such a nice time. However, I don't feel like, yeah,

like we're on the same path or. Yeah. Like this is maybe going to go anywhere. Yeah. That's fine. That would be okay. And I think I would appreciate a message like that. Again,

like it would hurt, but that would hurt less than being ghosted for me. If I went on a date with someone and never heard of them again, I'd feel like shy. Same, I think you thought I was ugly in real life. You didn't like what I said, blah, blah. Like that is where my mind would go.

But yeah, if it was a paragraph saying what they didn't like about me, I think maybe not with that one. Okay, so then we've got some ones for no. So is there a good reason no because it shows immaturity and everyone deserves honesty i can vouch for that i think it shows that someone is so immature yeah i think that's what we gathered in tuesday's episode that it's like a cowardly it is because it is it's easier to go someone again it's immature no one wants a

conversation like not many people like confrontation yeah i can never say the word but not many people like that like it's not like something anyone enjoys it's not a nice thing to have to do but and in a way out like ghosting's like the easy way out isn't that's what i mean it's just the easiest way yeah because you're avoiding everything like you just decide you don't like someone cool but then i don't like when you go to someone i don't think you think about the other person how they're going to replicate that which is why it is also very selfish very very selfish i was gonna say we are speaking from experience guys um and then someone else has also put life is too short for ghosting be honest and move on and i agree i agree that put, life is too short for ghosting, be honest and move on. And I agree. I agree.

That is true. Life is too short. It is. Just be honest, say it how it is. If they get offended by it, well, you actually try to do the best thing.

Exactly. In your eyes, you've done the best thing. Whether it offends the other person or not, that's no longer your problem. As long as you've not been like nasty about it. exactly. You've got to be polite about

it but i think as an overall we've always said honesty is the best policy don't agree with ghosting no please just be honest yeah please so we decided to put our producer to work and he has asked some of his friends well one of his friends and it's a guy why they would go someone like what would be their excuse kind of nervous to hear this because i've never asked a guy before no neither but it's something i've always wanted well i've tried asking my brothers but i feel like their opinions are very different to just asking a guy like you know they're. Well, they're in relationships. They're in relationships and they're never going to say anything that's going to hurt.

Do you know what I mean? They're just not going to give me the real honest truth. So, yeah, I'm very, very happy to hear this. Okay, let's give it a listen. The reason guys feel as girls is because it's just easier than being honest being honest about why we're not attracted to them why we're not interested um it could be because the girl's too persistent or we're not physically attracted to them no more uh you know after seeing more of them or speaking to them just find out your interest don't align okay i i get that reason it hurts but i get it it hurts and i get it but it's the physical

attraction thing and it's like once you see more of them you're not too sure it's just weird though like i get it if okay i get it if it's just like casually dating i completely get his answer but like i don't know again i'm probably going back to my personal experiences but my personal experiences when I'm having the the people I've been ghosted by people that like you know yeah it probably did escalate way too quick but not even on my behalf like on their behalf like telling me I'm this I'm that like can't wait for a future everything else then goes like surely you can't just overnight think oh our interests don't align like surely well maybe you can according to all these boys but also like by him saying that about the attraction

that definitely does make me think like to the people who have ghosted me before like what was your reason let's go upper canada college inspires boys from senior kindergarten to year 12 to find their passions and realize their potential an ib world school ucc offers a supportive environment cutting edge facilities and a best inCanada financial assistance program. UCC, a place where tradition, excellence, and innovation meet. Learn more at our open house events on October 15th and 16th. Register now at causeandeffect.ucc.on.ca. It's a new day.

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Let's go. I do also think as well, though, a lot of, I don't know, a lot of guys are scared to get into relationships. Do you think? And so I think maybe from my point of view, the people I've been speaking to like it's all been very like full speed of head got so excited and then thought oh actually I don't think I'm ready for a relationship do you know what I mean I feel like easily people can get

carried away and then it could be that like scared you know feeling I think I think definitely that could be true in your case because like you said it was it did go zero to 100 in the beginning and it was so like just full-on that i guess yeah that could be seen as scary yeah and maybe that's where like it didn't lie i don't know but yeah that is that is so weird hearing a guy's point of view from it i'm intrigued now i want to hear more guys points of views from it. And like, I want to compare them all and see if they all think the same. I feel like they'd all be very similar, to be fair.

I mean, me too. I mean, and I do understand, like, I do understand it because I've probably also thought the same things about a guy, but... But I feel like you just subtly, like, come out of it, though. Don't you? Like, don't you just subtly like come out of it though don't you like don't you just subtly stop speaking to someone rather than just like ghost them out of nowhere yes one million percent that is what we've learned from our experiences well that's what us girls do and i think that's a kinder way of doing it yeah if you don't want the conversation like

can't you just like slowly make do you know i mean like the subtle hints like taking longer to reply like things like that rather than just disappearing off the face of the earth okay so on that then do you think there's like different forms of ghosting in the sense of like does it depend on what you're talking on like whatsapp snapchat a dating app like because i think ghosting on a dating app happens all the time yeah and that i get to be honest i actually get that like i've done that multiple times yeah and i've not responded but a lot of the time i guess yeah i probably wasn't that intrigued by you enough but also i just don't go on the app like i don't have the notifications on for like hinge so i wouldn't i don't know yeah see i'm the same like a dating app i mean i actually have the notifications on for like hinge so i wouldn't i don't know yeah see

i'm the same like a dating app i mean i actually half the people i match with i hardly ever apply to neither like but is that ghosting though so i don't really think that i don't know maybe that is maybe we're lying to ourselves but i never really thought that was maybe it is and maybe we've been ghosting people all this time maybe it's our own karma maybe that is our own karma but i've never done it on purpose though like i've never like gone on a dating app thought i'm right i'm purposely not going to respond to your response now if i haven't replied it genuinely is just because i kind of forgot yeah or you're just not that bothered but like yeah i think with dating apps you match with more people than you are sliding into their dms or

having their numbers like if i'm having someone's number i'm probably not ghosting them you know yeah well if we're messaging on whatsapp and i've got your number we would have spoken a fair bit before so that like yeah there is levels to the ghosting one million percent because that would be ghosting to me but on a dating app i don't think you can class that as ghosting at all do you think some people ghost purely just for people to want them more like purely just as a game yeah and then just carries on like normal probably it's an ego like it could be an ego thing for some people like they could go someone and they could want that double text they could want that triple text they want to know that they're wanted by that person yeah well to be fair you know what's crazy like if i liked someone a double text would never like ever give me the ick

it would just make me think oh well they're confident enough to mess with me again they don't really care like i would actually find that attractive me too i wouldn't get the ick i think that's so attractive that they're not bothered about the game playing so like i can't double message her because that's too eager i love a double message so do i but i'm not gonna ghost someone so they double message me so they double message yeah yeah yeah yeah okay so what stage of the talking face is like ghosting hurt the most do you think like do you think it's when you're just speaking before you've met up or once the date's arranged or once you've been on a date

like when do you think you've seen them because there's more feelings if you've seen them and you're still wanting to talk to them because then also as well like i kind of get ghosting before you haven't met someone like i get that like you know it could be you haven't met them as as a person so you don't get to judge them off of much aside from texting and pictures and just kind of, I guess, judging their lifestyle before you've actually met them. So like I get ghosting before you've met someone. I actually fully understand that. Also, I actually do genuinely believe that like a lot could happen in your life, you know. Agreed. Yeah, of course.

But when you've gone out on a date with someone, then I'm like that's you purposely ghosted someone if that makes sense yeah and i think it hits a little bit more personal because you have met each other and at that point you would know a little bit more about each other so i would probably take it more personally yeah if i'd met them like i'd be thinking it's something i've done or it's the way i look or it's something i've said or yeah i would definitely blame it on me rather than blaming it on something that could have gone wrong within their life if we hadn't met so yeah I think ghosting I think ghosting hits way harder but I also do think it is more personal after you've met like I know I don't reply to loads of people when I haven't met them like when I haven't

met them I don't reply I honestly I probably don't reply to over half people when i haven't met them like when i haven't met them yeah i don't reply i honestly i probably don't reply to over half my messages because also i don't have the time to sit and have conversations with unless i'm like so intrigued by them or so interested or like really really really fancy them like i just feel like i can't be bothered to sit there and reply to everyone but that's nothing personal it's not like oh I'm really not into them or I'm really not this I don't really know them but I feel like once you've actually met someone it is more personal because you do know them of course and you've built that sort of like connection up with them and you've seen them in real life and you know like on a first date if you've like kissed or something or it got a little bit more like flirty I think that is just generally

yeah more personal so what is your opinion on guys that go shoot but then still watch everything you do i don't really understand it we we both have this because why watch what i'm gonna do when you could have the opportunity to speak to me and you could just find out i could i could tell you what i've done why do you why are you just deciding to watch it instead and i think it's different if they follow you but if they don't follow you if they don't follow you and we're seeing that they're viewing our stories this may or may not have happened to us both it's a little bit strange well it's i just don't understand why yeah that's it because you're

clearly still interested in my life you're still intrigued to what i'm doing so why yeah i think it's like even more questions it's even more why i i don't know like as a if i'm giving advice to a friend and they ask me about that situation i think i would genuinely believe that like i don't know like they're they're secretly with someone so they shouldn't be looking at your stories they can't message you so they've got like they have a girlfriend yeah and but they're watching because why else would you be watching i don't know watching something everyone like watching i guess when you don't follow them it just doesn't make any sense and maybe because they're in a relationship they can't speak to you because that would be wrong theories here i mean that would be my advice to a friend that was

probably what i would think if a friend yeah but that could but that potentially could be it you know they could have a girlfriend so they can't technically text you because that would be wrong but can they still view your instagram stories yes because they could delete you from their search history and the girlfriend would never find out it makes sense it does make sense it makes too much sense but we'll just pretend that hasn't happened to us both no anyway this has been fun i'm glad we've discussed this i'm glad we've heard from a guy that makes me feel better that we've got a guy's opinion yes i don't know if it does make me feel better or worse to be completely honest but listen it's not like we're out here getting

ghosted every week so we're fine exactly hopefully none of us are going to get ghosted again well thank you so much everyone for sending in your opinions it was definitely nice to hear about it because this is a conversation anna and i probably have quite regularly a lot well because we just it's that not knowing isn't it that is just the most frustrating thing ever yeah the unknown is the most annoying place to be um but it has hearing your guys's opinions on it and the fact that it's 50 50 I think it's a really good like open conversation to have and we could definitely like revisit this and like a later date in the podcast if we get ghosted again which is never gonna happen never yeah exactly

never we're not we're gonna go some fast we're not gonna do that either imagine imagine i'll play you back at your own game anyway we will see you guys next tuesday we shall see you then bye bye