Sex, Lies & DM Slides - 58. Advice From Dating Coaches - Do These ACTUALLY Work IRL

Episode Date: February 29, 2024

There’s so much dating advice out there - so we’d thought we’d get two cents from the real professionals! In today’s bonus episode we are looking at tips from dating coaches and decide whether any of them are useful or simply outdated in 2024. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

let's go hi everyone welcome back to sex lies and dm slides it is thursday which means it is our bonus episode so in our last episode we actually spoke about lessons that we learn in our teens compared to now we are in our early 20s and in this bonus we thought we could discuss dating advice from actual dating coaches and look at whether any of it is actually useful or outdated so i'm excited we have actually said we want to get like a dating person on the pod so we yes for such a long yeah i feel like i just need to ask them questions and just like pick their brain at it yeah but in the meantime we've got some advice so the first one kind of feel like this is a given but be present it says focus on

the present moment during the day put away distractions such as your phone and give your full attention to your date i mean yeah i feel like this just goes without saying right it goes without saying but honestly i don't know if i told you about this i'm sure i did don't tell me on a day no babe it's like it's actually embarrassing for me to admit but like it's not even i i just think i've just got secondhand embarrassment from him doing it so you oh my god no tell me i'm gonna cringe i think it is a given right just you just don't go on your phone on a day like maybe if you need to show them something but like you wouldn't just sit at your phone on the table like it's just rude you're at dinner whatever anyways i had this boy around my house i

um don't know really why he came around for a first date i need to stop doing that because i think he always should go out the house and don't think he should come in my house anymore but anyway um he bought a backpack in right bear in mind he parked here so i thought that's a bit strange that he bought like a massive backpack in because he could have left it in the car so we had food whatever we were sat on the sofa i kid you not he pulls out a brand new phone in like a box and it's like a new work phone and he starts setting it up whilst we were having a date what baby he set up his work phone whilst he was on my sofa no surely not he was good he it was kind of like apologized and he was a bit like oh sorry like i just need to do this i'm thinking right you need to set up you need to set up your work phone right now and he did

the full thing he set the full phone up and then put it in his bag and carried on the conversation i thought it'd be different if his phone had broke that day and he couldn't contact anyone so he's like i don't have a phone so i really need yeah that's completely different and you know what appreciate you still come around even if you didn't have a phone but the fact that it's yeah work phone that you could just do sorry but that is actually bizarre like that's what i'm sorry i just thought that is and i didn't see him again wait and so your first date was in your house yeah it was a bit wrong but to be fair i had met him before like i knew him through a friend right so and we've been for drinks and stuff in like groups so like if it was a new person i don't think i would have done that um yeah yeah and definitely we'll be doing that again because

clearly he needs to take that advice and be a little bit more present at dates yeah no i i actually can't stand when people go on their phone like i don't know i just think it's rude when you want a date like i just think it's so like you've got to get to know that person like i just feel so awkward and it's like what am i boring you yeah honestly like you can't sit here for an hour and not go on your phone honestly you have a phone problem but the next one this also follows on is active listening so it says practice active listening by genuinely engaging in the conversation show interest in what your date is saying ask follow-up questions and demonstrate that you value their thoughts and opinions i mean i think this is something that comes natural if you are genuinely

interested in something yeah me too because i'm always so like inquisitive like i just want to like just i want to know stuff like i'm like i'll always be like say they ask me a question and always be like and what about you to make sure i always find out theirs as well because i've been on dates before where like they've asked me no like i've asked them a question and then they've just ended it with their answer yeah and i'm like oh like now what now i've got to think of like another question straight off the bot like right okay got that one out of the way like just be like what about you or like how about yeah like it just shows that you're interested in the conversation yeah a hundred percent like again i don't know i feel like these are just common things like these are just yeah these

are principles i surely you should just do like surely anyone would do that but yeah to be fair i know people that have yeah things that apparently people don't do on dates with me which is okay go on the next one positive body language see this is something right i'm reading this right now and it says use positive body language to convey openness and interest maintain eye contact smile and avoid crossing your arms which can make you appear closed off i think i do all of these things what do you cross your arms well like no i wouldn't go to a date and like cross my arms but i don't know like if i was standing up having a conversation i might i would never think oh don't cross my arms because it's gonna close

seem like i'm closed off and also i've recently, I've really been trying to be good at eye contact. I am terrible at eye contact. Like even just speaking to my auntie yesterday, I was trying to actually look her in the eyes. Because I noticed when I talk, I talk and I start looking at places and not actually directly at someone's eyes. But then I feel like, does it not just look like I'm staring into their soul? Because then when I start doing that, I feel like the other person starts looking away. Yeah, I think if I stare for too long,

like if it goes on for a bit longer than like five seconds and I'll have a quick look away then look back. Otherwise it can literally just be like, why the fuck are you staring at me for this long? Yeah. I do like eye contact. I do, but I've realized i'm actually shocking at it i've never noticed well we've already had this discussion on the podcast about you not actually

looking into my eyes when we speak no yeah maybe you are great eye contact but it's something that you can work on yeah i'm trying the whole like crossing your arms and stuff yeah i've never really done that on a day like i wouldn't sit at a bar like as i've got my arms crossed right yeah but look look at me you're comfy but if you're a bar i don't think we'd sit like this no do you know what i mean like i'd be a bit more like no hand on my leg hand on the bar yeah yeah trying to look cute sexy you know I'm going back to university for $0 delivery fee up to 5% off orders and 5% Uber cash back on rides. Not whatever you think university is for get Uber one for students with deals

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And to top it all off, quick and secure withdrawals. Get more everything with FanDuel Sportsbook and Casino. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600. Visit connectsontario.ca. Okay, the next one, authenticity. Be yourself and let your true personality shine. Authenticity is attractive and being genuine creates a connection that goes beyond superficial impressions. the next one authenticity um be yourself and let your true personality shine authenticity is

attractive and being genuine creates a connection that goes beyond superficial impressions again again feels like goes without saying that should be a given because if you're not being the real you then why are we on the date yeah like i want to get it yeah i want to get to know you i don't want to know like a fake version of you or like lies like that just and it's all eventually going to come out anyways it's like exactly she might as well just be honest from the get-go it just makes things a lot easier the next one again i feel like this should be pretty standard but preparation it says take time to learn about your date's interests and preferences this shows that you've invested effort into getting to know them and can lead to more meaningful

conversations i feel like everyone i've ever been with i've spoken to them so long online before that i know these things anyway me too and sometimes i think is that a good thing or is that a bad thing or would i prefer to get to know you in person well there's less to know on the date isn't there so normally like i've always been more nervous for the dates because i'm like i can't ask them this because i already know it yeah i can't ask this so we know it but at the same time you know you're going to get on because you know more about them and there's always more things to ask isn't it yeah that is very true and I think especially like if you're planning a second date I think it's nice when you know a little bit more about them because then you

can try and make it something that you know they'd enjoy or like they can make it like they know we'd enjoy which is nice yeah for a first date i feel like it is hard like i would personally prefer to go on the date knowing nothing just so i can literally just ask anything and everything because otherwise i do get a bit like oh fuck what do i ask now yeah yeah yeah yeah preparation is key i feel like i like the boy to be prepared with like lots of questions yes mind your manners practice good manners such as being polite show respect to being meaningful of your table manners these behaviors contribute to a positive and respectful atmosphere i feel like honestly

because surely these are just all things like do you know what i mean like surely everyone knows that surely like i know some people don't have manners but surely all of us know this is advice that every one of us should take if they're rude to the waiter or the waitress oh it's just a no oh my goodness that is when i'd be needing to listen to our episode last week on an excuse on how to leave a fucking date because yeah that is so off putting to me what would you do if they took the tip off of the bill oh see this also really stresses me out like it really because i just like it they really stresses me out so i don't know how people do it i genuinely don't know how you go oh excuse me can you take the tip off that you're gonna yeah because i know it's discretion i know

you don't have to pay it but i just think it's polite like i just like if they'd been like really rude they chucked my food at me it got all over me like that's a bit different do you know what i mean because like they work very nice but 99% of the time you're gonna have a really lovely waiter or waitress especially if you're in a nice restaurant so i just think like i'm gonna tip them so if they took the tip off i would like i think it's like it's hard because are they doing it because they can't afford to tip them or are they doing it just because they don't want to tip them i don't know but either way it would make me feel a little bit but also like i get not being able to afford to do it but i think if you're taking someone out on a date yeah like you're kind of choosing where you go agreed and if it's not like offered to get the

full bill and you're in like a fairly nice place yeah as well yeah i i would i would genuinely hate that i i would just think it would just seem so i don't know rude like i just know but yeah also someone has been rude to the waiter it's just absolutely not yeah big big turn off big red flag actually big red red flag okay the next one is creating shared experiences so it says plan activities allow for shared experiences we know i like that whether it's trying a new restaurant and i love so good experience don't be attending a live event or participating in activity together there we go shared experiences can strengthen the bond between you and your date guys i've you're absolutely buzzing about this i've been on one too many activity dates and

you can't tell whether i love or hate them because like i do them so i must no you must be loving them because you is your go-to i must i must love them but like i think i would prefer to maybe just go for like a nice little cocktail or like a nice drink but i do always find myself in either like the cube or a girl's place i think you get to know someone a lot more for them to be honest which sounds weird because i know if you're going out for dinner you really get to know someone but i don't know like for me in my head it's like i would do an activity once i know someone more just because i would get the ick like i would get the ick like pretending to be bad or pretending to be good or like competitive or i don't know do you think that

you get to know someone i think yeah actually you're someone who knows first i think you do i think so i think you can see them in an environment which is like obviously yes I think that's what I was which I like and like when I did the cube for my first date with my ex-boyfriend the fact I didn't get the ick was quite a good sign because he was having to wear a mask and everything and like that's a lot for me I'm not putting no mask on on the first date I'm sorry it's not happening so I think it's a good test on whether you're going to get the ick or not and it's nice to see them out doing something in that sort of environment yeah and it's like even like interacting with other people yeah like i've done an escape room for a date as well and that was a really fun date idea because you got to work together and it kind of like i just enjoyed

seeing them again in that environment so yeah an activity date is really good for that i just don't know if i keep opting for doing them as first dates because it is yeah oh fucking hell it's funny because when I went on a date with my boyfriend like our first set we went out for lunch but for me what then I was like oh my god like really attracted me to him was how polite he was to everyone yeah so you yeah that's that's a lovely thing because you saw him in that sort of environment and yeah and then like well after we went for dinner we ended up going out and doing we went to a like a fright night thing like again it was just like seeing how polite he was and how he'd interact with other people like it does make a difference which obviously you wouldn't see that just on a meal sat down would

you but it definitely does make a difference i don't know if i could do it first day though like you no we're gonna slow that down for the first dates now we're gonna go for some nice cocktails and porn stars after decades of shaky hands caused by debilitating tremors Sunnybrook was the only hospital in Canada who could provide Andy with something special. Three neurosurgeons, two scientists, one movement disorders coordinator, 58 answered questions, two focused ultrasound procedures, one specially developed helmet, thousands of high-intensity focused ultrasound waves, zero incisions, and that very same day, two steady hands. From innovation to action, Sunnybrook is special.

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Let's go. Next one, balanced talking and listening a final balance between sharing about yourself and listening to your date avoid dominating the conversation or conversely being too reserved aim for a natural flow of dialogue but let's go back to what we were saying about just ask like what about you yeah just yeah like if you don't know what to say what about you it's so easy just those three words just remember as simple as that as simple as that yeah about you it's mental how people don't say that sometimes i i know and it makes me feel dead awkward if someone doesn't say that oh you're i don't really care then all right no but and also i'm like okay do i just ask another question like how many questions how many questions am i gonna ask ask? Yeah, literally.

I don't, I go prepared with questions, but not enough to lead a full two hour conversation. I used to actually like write questions in my notes. Genuinely. Not that I would ever look at them, but it just made me feel good that they were there. Do you remember that time we ended up being on a date at the exact same time and had no idea

that we were both on a date at the exact same time. And you called me. That was bizarre. Yeah, she called me in the bathroom and i was like i'm also in the bathroom on a date and so we were texting each other little things to help each other out which is really helpful but that was mad actually that was mad like that was yeah because also i didn't i was never like a dater no it sounds like like really no you were that was the one off yeah that really was a one-off so that was that was so that was crazy but yeah we helped each other out that night sometimes

just helping each other out with like little questions and stuff like right what can i say next because i know like when i go to the toilet as well like i never know what to say when i sit down like now what do we say what conversation do we have now do you know what i mean no i know that's actually so i always think in the toilet, like, right, what question am I going to ask when I sit down? No, that's actually so true. What's the next one? Confidence, not arrogance. Project confidence in your demeanour, but be careful not to come across as arrogant, because confidence is attractive, but humility and a willingness to connect on an equal level are equally important.

I agree. I think arrogance would really put me off on a date. Oh, 100%. And there is a big difference between confidence and arrogance. Yeah, I and there is a big difference between confidence yeah but yeah i guess there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance yeah it's clear but also it's still a fine line isn't it because i think anyone could be like i want to seem really confident start showing off and like you know but they might think they're being attractive yeah i might find that attractive no it's a very fine line so being punctual respect your date's time by arriving punctually being late can create a negative first impression and set the time for

the rest of the day i mean i'm late to most things i do in life i try tried my fair share of being on time to date but i still don't think i ever was to be fair you've never been like crazily late no but the thing is i think i'm so like i never would want to be first no i'm waiting for me to i want the guy sorry but it's just i want the guy to wait for me outside or like going to get the table and i'll meet you at the table or something like that but also i do get like how rude it is because basically when i went on a date with this guy before, I remember like I was literally staying in a hotel opposite. And it like say it was 11 o'clock or whatever. It hit 11 o'clock.

And he said he was going to text me when he was there. And it got to 5 past 11. He saw him text me. And I thought, well, he's even not coming. Oh, he's late. And if he's late, like, does he really think that's a good like thing anyways it turns out he was late because he was getting flowers and putting it in the restaurant and whatever else all good things but at the same time I was thinking in my head oh he has not got a first good impression the fact that he's late blah blah

and then you walk into the bouquet of flowers and all those emotions have gone you're like oh yeah no literally but like it's funny how you don't actually realize how being late can actually have such a bad impression oh i really genuinely try not to be late as well why should i be there before the guy i do think the guy should be there first i think like that's in my old yeah no i agree with you like if you're saying seven o'clock i'll turn up at five past i'll be there at five yeah that's what i mean yeah yeah fashionably late but not like really you actually sat there waiting but you're saying seven o'clock i'll turn up at five past i'll be there at five yeah that's what i mean yeah yeah fashionably late but not like really you actually sat there waiting but you're just no literally i'm ready but i'm not gonna book my uber until i know that you're nearly there yes yeah yeah 100 um okay the last one is express gratitude so show appreciation for the time spent

together express gratitude for the day and if you enjoyed it let your date know gratitude can leave a positive lasting impression again i feel like that's a given i would always be like thank you so much like i really enjoyed myself yeah i would always do again yeah i mean i think that's definitely different i feel like we need to ask the dating experts more i don't know more things than just like dating because to me these are very obvious things that all of us should just be doing but i think this just makes you a nice good person yeah maybe they're obvious because we do them but clearly by like the guy setting up a work phone he doesn't do it so he needs to listen to this yes hopefully someone listening to this can take the advice yeah hopefully guys because apparently well apparently i'm just quite good data if i do all these things i've got it you do i'm dating down on local my activity dates well thank you so much guys for

listening we really hope you enjoyed this little bonus episode i think we actually really do need to get a dating expert on here because i actually would have so many questions me too and if you have any dms them so we can like prepare for that episode. 100%. Yeah. We shall see you guys next Tuesday for another episode. Bye, guys. Bye.