Sex, Lies & DM Slides - 63. Celebs Go Dating expert Anna Williamson Answers YOUR Dating Questions/Dilemmas

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

We’ve been saying for aaaages that we wanted to get a dating expert on and we finally have! In today’s episode, we are joined by the dating expert to the stars, Anna Williamson, to answer all of our (and your) burning questions! Please note all of these will remain anonymous. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Let's go. Hi, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Sex, Lies, and DM to Lies with me, Anastasia Kingsnorth. And me, Safran Barker. We are back for another week and back for another opportunity to deep dive into all things sex and relationships. And this episode, I'm so excited for.

But first, Anna, what have you been up to? How are you? God, babe, what have I been doing? Just the usual. I feel like I've had a really, like, a week just seeing friends. Like, I went to... Oh, nice. Yeah, which has been lovely.

I went to, like, a dinner party on the weekend, which was really fun. It felt very, like, adult. Like, not me hosting. Somebody else hosting and doing a full like table spread i don't know it just felt really like oh we're having glasses of wine and doing this now this is our friday night i normally do like to host i'm such a host but like this was my friends luke and adam and they just moved into their house so like they're still decorating it like it's their first home like that's it just felt very adult and then went to birmingham on saturday see my

friend shannon and meet her dogs which was lovely and then and then you came up how was dubai absolutely incredible anyways i feel like we should dive it dive straight into this episode and not talk for too long because i felt like we probably want to get as many questions in as possible right yes one million percent so we have been saying for ages that we're going to get a dating expert on the podcast and guys we finally have as we're joined by're going to get a dating expert on the podcast. And guys, we finally have. We're joined by Anna Williamson, dating expert to the stars to answer all of our and your burning questions. And of course, as per usual, they will all remain anonymous. Hi, girls. Honestly, it's such a pleasure to be to be on.

I mean, listen, this is what we're all talking about. We're getting down and dirty with all things dating. Thanks for having me on your pod, girlies. Thank you so much. Let's dive right into the first question. So someone has said, is it normal to love someone but not be in love straight away when figuring things out?

Okay, is it normal to love someone but not love them straight away? Yeah, but not like, to love someone but not be in love with them. Yeah, absolutely. Love genuinely takes on many different forms. And this is actually a really, really good question because we talk often about lust and there's a real reason why we talk about the honeymoon phase. And that is because in those early phases,

this is typically, and I say this is the complete opposite, and this is why this is such a good question, desire, okay, and the unknown fuels that lust and that oh because you don't really know that person so that is what really kicks in with all of you know and it's firing off on all cylinders all of those love hormones that we've got dopamine that's the reward oxytocin the love hormone but it can work the other way around absolutely and it can really confuse people sometimes especially I hear this question a lot when people end up marrying someone that was originally a friend and what the absolute underpinning foundation of any relationship is

friendship um and intimacy is the thing that is the cherry on the cake. But if you have friendship and companionship and respect as a base level of your relationship, you have love. OK, love is made up of three things, intimacy, passion and commitment, but on very different levels. You know, intimacy around caring about what that person's into. You know, passion doesn't just have to mean getting down and dirty between the sheets but passionate about what they stand for what they're into and commitment someone that you are want to be with that you care about and you want to be a teammate with so this is a great question and the answer to that is yes you absolutely can be can love someone before you're in love with them because attraction can really grow and we often talk about like the minimal level of attraction if there is a little teeny tiny nugget of sexual interest romantic

interest then that can absolutely blossom I love that I never really thought about it like that but that is so true no it is it's funny because last podcast we were talking about like if you don't have like a sexual attraction to someone can that build and I guess also you've kind of in a way like just at the end there kind of covered that as well like if you have an underlying friendship and love for someone like you can build that but do you think there always has to be something there though because in my opinion I feel like there has to be something there you have to like in some way have that sort of attraction right and I think it's really and you're absolutely right. Yeah, there has to be some level of attraction there. But this level of attraction can take up

many different forms. Now, some people it's aesthetic. Typically, it is aesthetics that, you know, how someone looks. That is what initially gets our interest. Right. But how many people do you know? I mean, i know a lot of them but i work in this field that are with their partners in and i know many of these people that are in very happy healthy loving sexual companionship relationships um but they are attracted to other elements of their partner as as the primary attraction um a lot of people are attracted to um emotional connection some people are really attracted to people's intelligence um and you know someone that has a smart and and um and brainy uh mind can be super attractive for some

people and that can drive people much more than how they look some people are much and I think we typically look at dating and attraction and we place all the emphasis on how someone looks but we all know and this is but this is where a real relationship starts to ebb and flow because we all change we all evolve and you know what what's to say this sounds a bit dark it looks fade things can happen to people when looks change um and there has to be more to that that lights your fire humor how many people go oh my gosh they've laughed me into bed so i think we we're in an age where we really need to be looking outside the box absolutely i get what you're saying staff when you're absolutely spot on around there being a minimal level of physical attraction. Oh, hang on. Something about them. But

I know plenty of people that are initially attracted to someone's intelligence, their creativity, their confidence, their humor, and then the physical attraction builds as a result of that. And equally, I mean, I have been out with them. This is a bit too too much information i've been out in way in the past i'm happily married now to a very handsome man but i i've gone out with some what what i think society would call very good looking men and you know what i've been done a shit and it doesn't half turn you off because it doesn't do it for me do this last 11 days so therefore the type yeah is bs we need to start dating outside our type because our type is typically what we see looks good in society in magazines in hollywood on the telly and the amount of people that come up like for example

coming celebs go dating on my private private clients and they say right i want six foot two dark you know handsome hench you know good teeth and I'm like yeah great good for you but what about the other stuff because that stuff can change and we need and the minute you've started trying to date within your type you are completely limiting yourself because then what you're saying is and the amount of people that I know that have met the loves of their life and and they go, Oh, not at all the type of person that I thought I would marry, you know, they're white, they're ginger, and they do a job that I never even thought I would find attractive. And yet, that's the point. And I think we need to be much broader and be more interested

in the other aspects of people, values, beliefs, interests, what they do in their spare time, how they spend their spare money. These are big questions that tell so much about somebody. You know, I saw this firsthand with one of my best friends because she has had relationships in the past with people that she's really fancied. And then she met someone who looks wise

was not her type at all, but his personality was exactly what she wanted. And she said she fell in love with him for that. And now she thinks he's the most attractive person in the world. Yeah. And I think that is such a beautiful love story, because she's so she's a happier she's ever been. Right. And I think the minute we start to open up those possibilities, that we are really doing a disservice to ourselves and to all the wonderfully attractive smorgasbord of people that are in this world that have so much to offer and I often say this to people I'm like you know here's here's kind of the crux of it okay let's say I can deliver you a six foot two dark handsome hench good teeth guy with a great job you know

got money brilliant now let on the flip side he's an absolute arsehole to his mum he's disrespectful to women he's arrogant he has narcissistic traits really do you want to be with that guy or do you want to be with a guy over here that perhaps doesn't fit your typical type but he's kind he's's respectful, he's funny, he puts you first, he's kind to children, he's solid, he has a secure attachment. I mean, sure, I'm giving you two opposite extremes there and somewhere in the middle, we find the compromise. But that's what I say to people, be really, really clear about the bigger picture because there are some brilliant men and women out there that don't get a look in, that feel that they always get shoved to the bottom of the pile because they're

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guess what when someone is unavailable they're exciting what do they do they ignite that desire they ignite that I'm going to be the one to change them I'm going to be the one to change them. I'm going to be the one to tame them. Because they give off this nonchalant, I'm unavailable, I'm toxic. What it does is fuels that excitement and that adrenaline. And that excitement and adrenaline is what fuels that lust. Okay. So when people then go, oh, they're too nice, they're too lovely. Now, yeah, there might be a shift and a slightly different feel around that excitement and that lust. But let's not equate somebody that is unavailable and is, you know, toxic, ghosting us, disrespectful to us, ultimately, with somebody that we should give the time of day. And this is why people get stuck in this cycle

because they are chasing that high that comes with a toxic relationship. And often underpinning this, it comes from the person who is dating those kind of people, having low self-esteem, low confidence, and having being caught up in previous situations where they are not giving themselves the respect that they deserve and I think it's always really important to be wary if people go why do I always attract the

bad boys because that's what you are seeking you need to change what you're seeking I think it is I think it goes back to that like you always want what you can't have sort of thing it's like my one of my really good friends and her boyfriend split and you know we like she goes away on holiday and all of a sudden he wants her again and he's and she's like well maybe he's changing his mind I'm like no he he doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you Saffron I hear this I hear this hand over fist and my advice this is brutal get rid because that is toxic, manipulative, narcissistic behavior. When it is the minute she steps into her spotlight and her independence and when she's doing her thing for her, his control over her has been reduced. And suddenly it's hang on a minute. It's that kind of you know if i can't have you no one can

have you and then what they do is they fling out the fishing rod they hook you back in they give you that false promises they make you feel nice for that moment or or not they make you feel controlled and then the minute you come back and then they kind of got the familiarity are good and what they are doing are mind games because it's letting them know that i don't really want you but I sort of haven't made up my mind yet if I'm completely done with you this is where you need to step into your shoes and go this is not good enough for me I deserve better and always I think as a coach and as a therapist you know take that stance point like you girls if this was your

friend saying that what advice would you give to them you'd say yay he ain't worth it sack him off it's hard when you're in the situation isn't it to see that because you're like well maybe he's changing his mind and but it's hard when you see it from the outsider point of view you're like he's just it's yeah i'm keeping you there just in case but just in case isn't good enough exactly and and exactly it is about and also confronting that behavior so you know what let's give let's guy, for example, the benefit of the doubt, but give the opportunity to be really, really clear with your communication and saying you're messing me around. I am here for you. Possibly I will give you a chance. I do want this to work. But these are my boundaries around that. I expect consistency in what you're saying. I expect your actions to match your words. And if you're going to mess me around and, you know, treat me like a cat playing with a mouse,

I'm gone. So there's your chance. There's your choice. That's my boundary. And if you want to go left, brilliant. But if you're going to go the other direction, bye bye, because I'm worth more. It's so important to remember that as one set boundaries within the relationship or the the situation because a lot of people were sending messages as well saying that they're still attached to their situation ship and they don't know why they don't know why they can't let go of it and I think I've been in that situation before and part of me also thinks it's a little bit of an ego thing because I really thought I was going to be able to change them and I thought I was going to stay with them and I couldn't and they chose someone else so it hurts

my ego a little bit of course do you know what Anna that's so brave to say that because you're absolutely spot on but again this this is exactly it where we need to look back and always ask ourselves the question do I you know what do I deserve you know and I get it we get hurt we feel bruised why did they choose them over me what's wrong with me you know is it me you know it's not and I think that is when and it's so important girls that I know you know this I'm sure everyone knows I'm going to tell everyone again but we always bang on about this but you have to work on yourself first because if you have you and I I am I have a relationship coaching platform and our absolute best-selling coaching plan is the This Is Me plan.

And I literally teach people. It's the plan that all the coaching and activities and skills and toolkit that I taught myself when I had low self-esteem and stuff. I've been in abusive relationships in the past, you know, and it's essentially about recognizing your own self-worth and going, if that person, I can can't my granny always said

something I thought always stuck with me she said you can never fit around round pit a square peg in a round hole and you know we always try and make things fit you know if I just did this maybe they change if I was perhaps a bit less keen maybe they change if I did it no give them the opportunity yes but never feel that you have to mold yourself to fit someone else's ideal a hundred percent i've always changed my mind on this like do you think that you can actually like i think yeah girls always go for a bad guy right because they like this idea that they could change them right but do you think that you like somebody can actually change someone or do you think they actually have to change themselves and that's who they end up with

because they've changed themselves first or do you think that it could just take one person it's a really good question actually and I think nothing is ever exclusive and unique and I think there's always possibilities but typically typically, so that's a great question. So to add to my, you know, work on yourself and be the best version of yourself first. But that's not to say that we suddenly have to do all that. We have to halt dating and suddenly, ta-da, and we can absolutely work on ourselves alongside somebody else. But typically, I think if there is willingness and compromise within a relationship, there is always hope and there is always possibility. And that is really where it comes in. The underpinning structure of relationships should be honesty and transparency and respect. So you're right. I mean, I, you know, many people date people or get married to people that might have been, you know, had a past, might have been, had some pretty negative traits.

And yes, the right person can help you along with that if there is uh open communication boundaries are in place so yeah you can help support somebody but we must be very careful that we don't enable somebody that we don't kick into rescue mode um and that we want to change that person we're really well they you know, they're bruised, they're burnt, they've had a terrible past. We get all that and that can be absolutely awful and traumatic. But that individual has to seek their own help and do their own work on themselves alongside being in a relationship

and also being in a place to offer. You know, a relationship is a two-way thing. One person cannot fully support and uphold the other. There has to be give and take. Otherwise, we run the risk of a codependent relationship, which is not a good one, where we need the other person in order to survive or do anything. A healthy relationship is an interdependent relationship. This is where we need to be striving for. A relationship that exists with two individuals that have their independent lives outside the relationship their own friends or hobbies finances their

autonomy and it's done respectfully so where you're supporting and celebrating each other for that okay but then the relationship also has its together time as a couple working as a team equally balancing the time together you do the activities and the intimacy that is the key to a respectful and happy relationship so another question is should you confront someone who has ghosted you after multiple dates uh should you confront them if they've ghosted you have multiple dates no no I wouldn't confront them no I would um ghosting is such a it's such a dirty trick you know it's so like it's horrible I've been on there yeah nobody has ever been ghosted and been okay with it right um it's it's spineless and you know what what it what it it's just it is actually yeah the epitome of disrespect now you cannot be into someone you got your situation

might change you might just not like them they might just not be your cup of tea but we can always I always say to people treat others as you would want to be treated yourself because the problem with ghosting is it leaves the person who's been ghosted in a very vulnerable situation thinking what did I do or was it me or wasn't it me could I've done the thing differently is it them it leaves someone in a state of confusion and that is a very unfair place to be I know people close to me that have ghosted and I've torn them a new arsehole because I'm like the the least you could do is message that person. Pick up the phone would be even better. Even doing it face to face on an actual date. Now, that is the absolute pinnacle of being emotionally mature and respectful.

And in my experience as a dating coach, nobody has ever reacted badly to somebody being honest and kind, but saying, do you know what? Thank you for your time, but this isn't for me. And you're probably not the right person for me today, but this isn't for me and you're probably not the right person for me today, but thank you and I wish you all the best. That is the maturest way you can handle a situation. Ghosting is the scourge of the earth because it leaves the other person feeling like shit and that's not fair. So if somebody has ghosted you, see it for what it is. They are in a situation where they're either being a dick or they just don't have or they're going through a bad phase and they they don't know how to

articulate themselves but confronting them i would i would usually suggest is is not you're just perpetuating something that probably won't go where you want it to go and always ask yourself I mean every situation is different you might know that person a lot better maybe you have actually had a you know a relationship you know and they've been ghosting you so maybe you might like to kind of say your piece you know often we do and go actually do you know what you're you know this is this is this so you might want to but I think before you ever make any or you might want to accept it for what it is I'm just going to move on I'm not going to get the time of day but I think always ask yourself what is the outcome I'm hoping for by confronting this person on their ghosting and what could the possible outcomes be so almost role play and what

we call in coaching future pace what if they are horrible to me and tell me something I don't want to hear how will I react what if they say something nice and it gives me closure how will I react what if they continue to ghost me role play what all the outcomes might be and that will give you a good indication of whether it's worth you confronting them yeah I mean I've been ghosted once and I remember it really affected me for what you said because it was like the not knowing like I didn't understand that's what I couldn't wrap my head around like if someone was honest to me I'd be like fine that's fine but yeah I think I think it is the most disrespectful thing just a cowardly way out it is it is because it leaves you thinking like I'm just thinking now just talking to you girls you know and I yeah I was ghosted once or twice in my my younger days um and you know I have a very well publicized um anxiety disorder

and I genuinely remember thinking god like you know is are they frightened no they put off for the fact that you know I've got mental health issues you know or you know am I am I crap in bed you know or or do they think my personality is shit? Or am I too much? You know, am I? And you do and it leaves you in this very insecure state, which I think you have to be made of Teflon to not feel the effects of being ghosted. If we're being really honest, I mean, I sit here giving it the big and, but you know what, we're all human. And as humans, it doesn't matter what age we are, you as adults we're like children we all crave praise we all crave validation you know this is i mean like you know you girls like myself on

the receiving end of uh you know social media comments and stuff like that as much as we try and brush off the negative ones they do you know it takes a lot of resilience to to really not let them affect you particularly if it's a personal comment you know um you know we takes a lot of resilience to to really not let them affect you particularly if it's a personal comment you know um you know we all secretly die a little bit inside um so yeah I say try not to put yourself in that position where you are just self-flagellating and thinking is it me and I'm not just saying this to make people feel better but in my experience as a relationship coach honestly the ghoster it really is them like it's about them they're either not in the right frame of mind they are not a good

person they're just not emotionally mature they don't know how to handle effective active communication so just you know you do you honey leave them over there you deserve better lucky escape right and I and I would say that and I know and I know people who have ghosted and they're actually really good people like I know quite I mean I live in quite I have quite a lot of male friends and I'm like dude what you know and I know they're a good person but they're just crap at communicating and they don't want to actually offend the person and I've said to them look you're actually a nice person and you don't want to offend them but by the very fact of you ghosting you've just offended them and now they think you're a dickhead so you've done the opposite anyway so you may as well just say look you know what thanks for the date it's not for me

I'm not in the right headspace you know sorry to be disappointing but thanks but no thanks just say that it's better than ghosting yeah because even if I just know that's the answer then at least my mind's not going to think a million other things right that it could be and I bet you as well Anna that you'd probably think a little bit less like they're being an arsehole yeah you'd go at least they said it to my face yeah but they're honest I appreciate that right even if even if they said I've even been with some people even if they get actually I really don't fancy you you're not my cup of tea I'm like even that's better than nothing yeah I think I just rather know than not know because my mind biggest overthinker in the world I will

overthink every situation so just be honest it's so much easier to be honest let's go RBC Avion Visa lets you get there your way. Whether you want to... Suit up for peak ski season. Or... Spring break with a whole fam and a whole lot of sunblock. Or even... Book last minute and go on a whim.

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Can you help? Okay, that's a good question. So with a dating profile, be as authentic as possible okay like this year in particular we're all about authentic authenticity i mean the word drives me up the wall actually but it but it is but it is true just be your be yourself don't i mean one one thing please stay clear of and this is kind of particularly to to men well women know it goes so men the biggest bugbears and the biggest ics in dating profiles are photos with you standing next to a sports car with your top off um like right standing next to some like trophy animal like you know here's me on safari with a massive lion uh um to to standing and also another thing is I don't stand with loads of

mates you know if you're standing there with your mates it's like like again what are you trying to prove but also it just distracts can also the worst case scenario so I'm like I really fancy your mate not you um but it's distracting I've done that before what have you done I imagine I imagine somebody on hinge and they had a photo, but they had all their friends in the photo. And I was like, I found that I fancied his friend more. So I went and found his friend through his Instagram. I did a little bit stalking,

managed to find the friend. You see, you see backfire, you know, backfire. And I get it. We want to show the best version of ourselves. And I get that.

And we absolutely should. But here's the caveat, show the best authentic version of yourself. You hanging out in Ocean Beach Club with 15 mates, you know, with a sparkler in your hand. That's my ick. It's an ick. Right. And, you know, I say that and I... Wayne Lineker is a very good friend of mine and I love Wayne and Ocean. But if I was dating, would I be standing there in a bikini with a bottle of champagne and a champagne show at Ocean Beach? No, I wouldn't. OK, so you want to you want to show off your best authentic version of yourself. So typically a photo of you in a kind of natural environment.

Maybe it's in your lounge or it's outside, no sunglasses because we can't see your eyes. Eyes are the windows of our soul. A nice smile. Just look your authentic self, okay, in a kind of natural, neutral setting. Those are the best profile pictures. And they definitely get the best success rate. And as you've just said, Anna, if we do any of the ones I've just said to you, especially in like women as well, you know, if it's you and all 50 mates with your sunnies on in your bikini you know I'm not saying you shouldn't do that and that's a fun thing to do but just don't do it on your profile pic okay yeah the minute I see it on someone's profile I'm like you know what you could be gorgeous but I can't for me it's it's for me it's the shirt off next to clearly a car that they've just seen

parked in the car park it's a Ferrari and it's like oh wow it's like dude like bless your heart like self-esteem issues you know like just go and sit on a park bench and have a nice smile that's great another one I see all the time as well on hinge is it's always guys climbing up a mountain they'll always pretend they're mountain climbing and then when I ask them they're like oh Another one I see all the time as well on Hinge is it's always guys climbing up a mountain. They'll always pretend they're mountain climbing. And then when I ask them, they're like, oh, yeah, I've done it once. But they pretend that they've done it all the time. So they always put the picture on. Right.

So that plays into my, you know, on safari and my gap year. Yeah, it's the mountain climbing. Yeah, it's on safari, you know. But as you say, it's such an ick, unfortunately. We're not saying that's not a great thing to do. In fact, it's a as you say it's it's it's such an ick unfortunately we're not saying that's not a great thing to do in fact it's a very interesting thing to do but on a profile pic it just unfortunately makes it like a bit of a bell end yeah no so true Anna what are your what are your dating photos what have you got on your hinge profile see on my hinge mine are quite like

I don't have any group photos no group they're what they are all of me but the thing is I think it's hard because they're like my Instagram photos but then I don't think they're also necessarily super like chill pictures but but to be fair to you though like I mean and I say all this you know but at the same time like we all I think we're all we all now recognize unanimously that we all slightly dial it up don't we when it comes to our instagram pics and so i think there is a little license to be had with that but i would say like the best version of yourself do you know what i mean you don't have to be sitting there in your slacks you know what i mean no makeup on you know it's it's it's how you are best represented do you know what i mean like some people like have a statement red lip then that's you so just

that's what you should look like. You know what I mean? I like doing the good prompts. I like making like the fun prompts and stuff that people have. So I like prefer somebody to reply to a prompt than a photo. Because I think I can just respond better to someone having a conversation rather than complimenting me.

I don't know. They're always the ones that I'm more gravitated towards on a date and that. Right. I'm curious as well, Anna. So yeah, what would interest you? What would pique your interest of someone I don't know like I well this is quite a basic one but when someone's talking about food or like similar food that I like I always can have a conversation about that like if I see them saying about a certain restaurant or something

like that I really like that um I don't know just something a bit more fun like there's a prompt on hinge it's like two truths one lie and I've got that on my profile and I'm like oh that's fun like I can just see a bit more about them and I think it's a better conversation starter maybe like oh I fancy you do you know what I mean like it just opens the conversation up a bit more exactly and it's and also that you can gauge so much from that can't you someone's lifestyle choices someone's sense of humor uh how someone interprets that like as you say these icebreakers are really really useful just to gauge if there is any spark and it also does um sort through the kind of like you know hey you know like you know all of the kind of the dross that you have to sift through it it's it's

a more intentional approach and i'm with you i think the prompts are a very very good idea 100 if i see someone to us you're saying hey i'm not going to reply really i don't think i just think there's not much to it like the conversation is gonna be very boring from the get-go i absolutely abhor i hate uh that i'm like if anyone does well most of the time it's just to get your interest because they probably want to send you something that you really don't want to see um or maybe or maybe not but if but then if i'm being and doing a disservice to people that are genuinely a bit unsure how to communicate i would say to people as you say back it up with something else you know back it up with a question or a piece of information about yourself um a reason why you're on a dating app you know what you're looking for um a compliment i mean it's a

fair fair point and sometimes people don't like compliments, but again, even those, be mindful of the compliments that you give. Don't be a bit too keen, as in a bit too lechy. But, you know, I think anyone that honestly says, wow, you look really lovely, you know, that's a lovely compliment, you know. We all know the line when it comes to compliments. But I think that's always a really good icebreaker.

And to ask a genuinely good question is always a really good icebreaker and to ask a genuinely good question is always a really good start 100 so this one's a bit of a scenario one so he said my oh she said my boyfriend was talking to a girl he dated in the past for a few days i found out and broke up with him he's begging for a second chance so do you think he'd end up cheating again if she gave him a second chance? I'd say massive amber flag. Red flag, really, for doing that. I mean, essentially what he's done is he's broken her trust, understandably. So I get this quite a lot with people saying, you know, about cheating, infidelity. And it sounds like he hasn't, you know done gone that far down the road but he has

definitely planted the seeds he has been disrespect you know going back to what i say about fundamental underpinning of what we should all be entitled to in a relationship in dating no matter what status of the relationship you know even if it's just you know the situation or whatever whatever um he has uh broken that trust he has sort of broken that bond already so can couples come back from this absolutely in fact a lot of couples come back from infidelity right it isn't necessarily the kiss of death relationship however both have to be on exactly the same page with exactly the same level of honesty and transparency and respect and that b word again boundaries now i'm not saying she should or she shouldn't take him back i would say massive flag however if he really puts in the effort he is honest and open

and truthful about his indiscretion why what motivated it and that it and he makes a complete pledge and promise to her this will never happen again my commitment is with you um they could totally make that relationship work however it's if he has to step up and work hard if he's a bit like whatever about it i'll get over it i only messaged her a couple of times like what's the big ish if that's the response get rid because yeah you know what it just that says there is a very lacking of respect in that person and yet they quite possibly could go and um have a wandering eye very easily if they are genuinely remorseful and they realize they've made a mistake and they want to do

everything they can to make it up to you then it could possibly work sure i've seen it happen many times people can make mistakes and people can change if they continue making those mistakes well the writing's on the wall let's go upper canada college inspires boys from senior kindergarten to year 12 to find their passions and realize their potential. An IB World School, UCC offers a supportive environment, cutting-edge facilities, and a best-in-Canada financial assistance program. UCC, a place where tradition, excellence, and innovation meet.

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slash special. Learn more at sunnybrook.ca slash special. Let's go. Okay, let's end it on this one then because this one, this, a lot of people ask for this. It says, is it okay to be

a 30-year-old virgin? Yes. Absolutely. Yeah, I was going to i was i think it's completely fine yes you don't want to have sex honey pie that's absolutely fine no one's telling you you have to society look we we don't need all of these um you know the pressures that that we get put under if you are happy and a virgin and you're happy to stay like that and you'd have no interest in being sexually active. Good for you, honey. Good for you. Own that and use that as your empowerment. And I guess for me, Mike, I'll go, why? You know, is this through choice or is it through lack of confidence?

You know, that would be my further question to ask. But I think, yeah, you own that sweetie and if it's not something you want to stay you want to um lose your virginity then you know be really careful about who you might choose to date um and who you might want to be uh sexually intimate with um and and find the right partner but equally if you have no interest in losing your virginity I know plenty of people that haven't me too I know loads of people who still like or they only sleep with one person they don't have an interest in like sleeping with loads of people and I think sometimes society just make society makes it feel like you should like you should go out you should do all of this and you don't have to like it's so individual and if you don't want to sleep with

someone until you're 40 you don't have to yeah I have a very good friend of mine who has very strong religious beliefs and practice practices. Well, they are now married, but practiced no sex before marriage. And they have just got married in their early 30s. And that was something that for cultural religious reasons was very important to them. They found somebody, married somebody who practiced the same beliefs as them. They are married and they have children now. So they clearly did consummate the marriage. But good for them, you know, and I think the stigma around that needs to go.

You know, some people love to have sex. Brilliant. But I don't think there's enough talked about about people that don't want to, actually. I completely agree. No one really wants to talk about that because I do think society puts so much pressure on it nowadays that there's probably a lot more people that we know that haven't, that would never tell you either. Right.

Or that don't actually really want to have sex much. I mean, I've just done an article recently actually around how much committed couples are having sex. Well, I mean, research says once a week. I completely disagree with that. I think the honest answer to that is a couple of times a month if you're lucky you know particularly if you've got kids you know and i think we need to um just be really like i would say to people never measure yourself against anybody else's sex life because firstly what they're telling you probably isn't the truth anyway um and it is a deeply private

thing but also it's what works for you some people I've got some friends that love sex they have sex several times a day and I'm like good for you honey I couldn't think of anything more exhausting um but you just you know you as long as you are both compatible in your relationship you are both happy with the level of sex you may or may not be having, then that's fine. Exactly. It's so individual. So individual. And I feel like people just need to remember that, that like, it's fine. What about like the other way around?

Like I have, I know quite a few people that like would have sex with people, but they literally have no interest whatsoever in a relationship. Like absolutely not having their entire life. I don't know. Do you have like any opinions on that? Or do you think that like, do you think that's something that will just come in time do you think it's that they haven't found the right person or yeah quite quite possibly um I mean they're again my my brain goes

into so many different scenarios because I have uh you know clients of mine who um are sexually active and love sex they don't want a relationship and that purely is because on one hand they just don't want to have a committed relationship they enjoy being an independent person but then I have some people who are like that because they are very traumatized around relationships it's perhaps learned behavior from childhood they perhaps had very poor role models around committed relationships and so they absolutely repel marriage or a committed relationship because for them it signals something negative so they just prefer just to have sex and no commitment so it's very individual and I would say to anybody that is

perhaps like really into having sex make sure you're safe and it's always consensual caveat but you have no desire in having a relationship that's perfectly fine but just maybe ask yourself that question where does that come from is it because genuinely i'm really like being by myself and actually one of the fastest growing demographics now um in the uk are people that are choosing to not have children um they're realizing that actually it's fine i don't want to have kids actually i like my like my life, thank you very much. But ask yourself, or is it something else? Is it because having a relationship scares me and I'm running away from a relationship

and possible happiness? Ask yourself that question and whatever the answer is to that, there is always help out there. Well, Anna, thank you so, so much for coming on today. This has been one of my favorite episodes. And like I said, I've got a million things to think about now.

You're so welcome, girls. Thank you for having me on us you're a breath of fresh air it's a lovely podcast and uh yeah i guess just you know everyone just keep doing you and you're worth it it sounds so cheesy and i'm going to be all life coochie on you but yeah i think it is particularly with men as well i'm a big fan of men too i think they also get a bit of a rough end of the rough end of the stick at times as well. But just, you know, whoever you are in the dating world, just remember that you're great and that you are unique and whatever makes you fantastic and makes you, you celebrate it. Don't hide it just because you think you might be judged on it. Like I say to someone, if you're actually into like you know walking at the weekend and playing chess say that because guess what there's going to be somebody out there that

also really likes playing chess and walking and they're going to be a really good match for you possibly so just really embrace what you love doing and don't feel you have to fit some weird society mold some Instagram frame you know just do you okay and you'll find the right part there are a lot of lovely people out there okay go find the one that matches you i feel like i have a lot to sit and think about i just i could literally sit there with her all day and pick her brain about dating like she just knows exactly what to say for everything i love it and i feel like now i need to revisit my dating profile i need to slightly change that one up maybe i do feel like a lot of our answers were similar which is good 100 i honestly really enjoyed the episode and the whole thing about ghosting as well i was like yeah

i completely agree with all of that like everything she was saying i was just like yeah but thank you all so much for listening i mean if you want us to get another dating coach on or just want to pick a guy's brain as well just be like if we would say if a girl would say this to you what do you think but we would definitely definitely do that and you guys can send in all your questions and we can ask them as well but thank you so much for listening again thank you anna for joining us and we will see you on thursday for another bonus episode see you guys