Sex, Lies & DM Slides - 80. Unrequited Love

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

We all had that feeling of literally being *obsessed* with someone, but has a crush ever gone TOO far for you? This bonus episode we take a look at trending terms called unrequited love and limerence - plus we confess if we’ve both ever felt this way before… Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

let's go hey guys and welcome back to sex size and dm slides it's thursday which means we are back for another bonus episode so in tuesday's episode we spoke about the female gaze versus the male gaze and for today's bonus we wanted to discuss the topic of unrequited love and limerence just actually learned that word a bit before uh which we will i know i'm saying that because i'm sure a lot of people wouldn't off or have you heard no we're learning for the first time here today we're learning for the first time educational this which has been floating around on tiktok recently so we wanted to give our hot take on what we think

anna would you like to give the definition i will give you guys the the dictionary definition of we've got unrequited love here so unrequited love is a love or love interest in someone that can't be acted upon either because one person doesn't return the feelings or both parties are with someone else and can't act upon it okay gosh that's a lot okay so according to susan trombetti who's a matchmaker and ceo of exclusive matchmaking she said there are a few telltale signs of unrequited love the person takes you for granted because they know how you feel you often catch yourself daydreaming about this person and what a relationship with them would be like you feel heartbroken or in anguish and you're unable to move on to someone new who can give you what you

need do you feel like you've ever been in a position where you felt this or like felt these no I don't think so like I was really thinking but I actually don't think I have I mean there was someone I fancied so much when I was younger that was like famous so I thought you know I like would literally dream about I was actually obsessed but the thing is in my head is I'm so optimistic that like in my head it was never not gonna happen like i was gonna end up with him i kind of did yeah so it's not really that delusional because yeah i don't know like i guess but i think that's like when we're younger and we have like crushes and stuff i feel like that's so popular like i was like that with justin bieber and i feel like literally like half the world probably were as well yeah i was like that with ian summerholder oh my god the way that i was

obsessed gorgeous man loved him in the vampire diaries so have you seen that tiktok that's floating around of him when he says happy birthday to the girl in the bar no but you need to and he's like telling her to just stay kind oh it was so you need to watch it he's just just okay i need to find that anyways gorgeous man but yeah i feel like as we get older like it obviously gets a little bit more serious if you actually feel like that about someone like an example like i was trying to think of in my head is like say if you're at work and you you fancy like you really like someone at work but you're both married but you start to feel these feelings towards them but you know it can never happen but you start to daydream about it happening actually that's that's a lie then because actually i do

think this has happened to me once oh like yeah and you'd know you would know i think i would know but it's just going to take me a while to just figure out who like i remember i've i've really liked someone that i just could not be with like there's no way we could be together and i guess that is literally what it is you daydream about them and in your head think like i've i think i've done this before i definitely think it's not just kind of just wanting what you can't have like kind of yeah there's a lot of like very big terms for like i don't know i i would never like I don't know I didn't know that this was what it was called as a such like I thought it's just having a crush and daydreaming

of them but not being able to be I mean I didn't realize there was a whole term yeah I mean I guess in simpler terms it is wanting what you can't have that's like how I would probably view it without all the big words but I think I definitely have felt like that before where like I know that I can't be with that person not only because I was someone else but also because they were bad for me and they weren't actually good for me but like you still daydream about the person that you think they are or like the person that I don't know like you imagine sometimes you imagine someone to be completely, a different person in your head. And I've definitely done that before.

But then, is that delusional? I don't know. I feel like they all kind of, I feel like they all kind of blend into one at this point. Yeah, I'd probably agree. Let's go. The all-new FanDuel Sportsbook and Casino is bringing you more action than ever. We'll be right back. And to top it all off, quick and secure withdrawals. Get more everything with FanDuel Sportsbook and Casino. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600. Visit connectsontario.ca.

I'm going back to university for $0 delivery fee. Up to 5% off orders and 5% Uber cash back on rides. Not whatever you think university is for. Get Uber One for students. With deals this good, everyone wants to be a student. Join for just $4.99 a month. Savings may vary. Eligibility and member terms apply. What is limerence and how is it different to unrequited love?

So this has got some big words in guys so be prepared for this one it says coined by experimental psychologist dorothy ten of in her 1979 book love and limerence the experience of being in love limerence describes a state of obsessive infatuation accompanied by the intense desire for a romantic relationship is your delusionship taken to the extreme so it's yeah limerence is something i've experienced my tummy hurts all my period it is i think it's something that yeah you were you out of me and you have experienced if there's one that's gonna help the hand i've said they've experienced it would definitely be but i i look at that as optimism but maybe i'm just too

delusional i told myself i'm gonna be less like that now anyways like i'm not being like that anymore but i think i'm very zero to 100 but it's because i'm optimistic that i'm like oh no it's gonna work and i just become obsessed with the idea of someone i'd get attached to easily but yeah i think it's the fake idea of we did say at one point on the podcast that delusion was good see i think delusion is good because sometimes that can get you to a certain extent yeah to exactly where you need to be by being delusional but in this exact like in this extent yeah you definitely experienced limerence yeah so it's basically having an obsession with oh but come on i don't get like upset like i only get obsessed if they're obsessed with me too oh yeah i can't imagine you being obsessed with someone who's not obsessed with

you back no like so i get is limerence one-sided i don't know like i think it is i think it's one-sided so it says so limerence is an obsession with someone versus just liking someone and not I've liked them back so it's just one-sided so I think it's more one-sided which I don't think I'm like that no like I think I've become obsessed with somebody that's upset like I think I fall in love with somebody who clearly has the personality that's limerence yes that if that would be and and I'm also that too like i'm just very zero to 100 yeah but i'm trying not to be yeah on this podcast we're going through a journey we're going through a dating journey and we're not going zero to 100 anymore no like i'm not becoming obsessed with somebody that is like yeah i don't know i don't know though if i'm just like totally going off

topic but i think the reason I do that is because I just try and see the best in people. So I just ignore little things. I ignore the red flags. And I'm like, oh, no, it's fine. They're perfect. They're perfect. They're perfect.

Seeing the best in someone, there's nothing bad with that at all. But ignoring the red flags is an absolute no-go. And now we've already said we don't ignore red flags on this podcast anymore. As soon as we see a red flag, we point it out. Or Amber, we're out the door. Or Beige. or beige beige we're on the fence about page ones but we've actually got someone's

experience here of limerence so this might help a little bit more this is going to be easier to see if i'm actually there yeah because maybe i'm not maybe i'm being too hard on myself yeah we'll see if this is you so the first one i remember was my best friend at primary school i must have been around seven years old i would usually have someone I was obsessed with friends colleagues or partners at first it's very stimulating like being on a strong coffee all the time but there's also a lot of guilt being obsessed with someone who doesn't feel the same way is kind of like privately stalking them and that's not a nice feeling knowing that you're in a relationship that could never be reciprocated you'd never even want someone to feel this way about you because it's creepy

and totally unviable i take it back i'm not limerence guys i'm not obsessed with me i swear i swear i'm not some stalker i promise i know this i don't actually know if this is the right thing to um describe it baby reindeer is that what you're going to say? Baby Reindeer. That's honestly the first thing that come to my head was Baby Reindeer. I don't know if any of you have seen it, but it's that new Netflix series. And obviously she stalked him for a very,

very, very long time. And I think she was experiencing by the looks of it, limerence. Yeah. And I think if you want to see an example of it, go and watch baby reindeer because that the fact that he played himself and had to relive everything by the way i know

is genuinely crazy like it's bad enough going through that once and having to actually relive it honestly when i found out it was him as well because i didn't know that when i first started watching it so when i found out it was him i was shell-shocked because yeah you're right we're having to relive all of that and like i mean it is i mean to be honest i think it's pretty awful that people have gone and found the real person because like very you know like she's not in a good state and not like okay um but yeah like it's crazy like they said the casting was completely different it's really not everyone's found everybody everyone looks the identical to you know one thing i find crazy as well is everything he wanted his entire life the entire four years or however long he was being

stalked for to be famous and to be a writer and whatever all of that's actually come true like all of that had to happen for for him to actually make that dream come like that's crazy it is very crazy it is crazy and like i mean yeah at the time you probably thought what the fuck is going on but now it's he's managed to turn it into somewhat of a positive spin on it but yeah i think i think the one thing i will find crazy though sorry we're so going off on topic is if you've seen the series and if you haven't i'm sorry because it's kind of a spoiler so i don't know spoiler alert spoiler alert when he has sex with her you know he doesn't that's actually a joke yes i didn't realize that at first but then i realized because everyone i fully thought that he actually did no i did when i watched i was like oh my god and then

byron said to me like no no no he's it's all just a fantasy but that I don't think was made clear enough like everyone I know like I was on Facebook to a friend the other day and they was like I can't believe he ended up having sex with her and I was like no no it's a dream yeah that's what I thought it wasn't real but that is crazy though that it got to that point where he was imagining that as well so like then was he experiencing limerence I don't know but she definitely definitely was like from this person's experience saying that it's like creepy how much you become obsessed with that person like I've never experienced that like where it's been that I haven't like actually can I please

just take back everything I've said guys because I do not think that is me I promise you I'm not that I don't think that's you I don't think you've ever no it definitely isn't me thank you very much when you like when you like someone is because they like you back as well like do you mean like i just yeah no you're just obsessed with each other yeah whereas this is very one-sided but like the way this person has described it as like privately stalking them to me that that's that's quite an extreme of like i don't even think that's liking someone that's like obsession like yeah well that is what it is it is yeah you're limited unhealthy yeah you're right it's an unhealthy obsession with a person

that it's never going to happen which is a stalker like it literally is a stalker yeah and i was really that obsessed with something and i'd never heard that term before limerence but like now like i'm always gonna think about that and think oh my god prime big deal days is coming october 8th and 9th with exclusive savings just for prime members involuntary deal squeals can, like the deal on new running shoes squeal, the deal on a new blender squeal, or the infamous deal on a new massager squeal. Save big on electronics, fashion, and more this Prime Big Deal Days, October 8th and 9th. RBC Avion Visa lets you get there your way. Whether you want to... Suit up for peak ski season.

Or... Spring break with a whole fam and a whole lot of sunblock. Or even... Book last minute and go on a whim. Choose from over 130 airlines on last minute or peak season travel with no points hike. Switch to RBC Avion Visa and get up to 55,000 bonus Avion points. Limited time offer. Conditions apply.

Visit rbc.com slash Avion. Let's go. And what do you think is worse, unrequited love or limerence limerence I do too I think that's like having a crush and like dreaming about somebody you know it's like to me that's like a I don't know it's just like a softer version of limerence if like limerence is taken to the extreme again if two people like I was like i explained that example earlier about being in a workplace and like yeah like even though you're both married you know you can't be with that person the feelings are there whatever of course it's still bad but like limerence being so one-sided but taking it to that like unhealthy level of being

obsessed i think is a lot worse than love that can't grow and become a thing yeah agreed i think it's a big overall but i'm actually like really intrigued into this now and i liked like this kind of explained more to me what was going on in baby reindeer by speaking about limerence yeah no so true so would you say that when he had those fantasies about her that would be limerence because i don't think he was obsessed with her i don't think he was obsessed with her i don't think he was obsessed with her but he started to miss her when he didn't hear from her but then it's like is that because it went on for two years and he was so used to it like he that was never really clear in the series where it was like for her she stalked lots of people in the past so it seemed like

limerence was like what she was used to and that was like yeah but that maybe was his first time experiencing something like that that's like imagine being that obsessed by somebody that well yeah like it genuinely takes over your life and like she would sit and wait outside his house that's just crazy that i mean that's maybe a quite extreme example of limerence so maybe people might not take it that far but like yeah i i guess like a really good example of it is baby reindeer which is is crazy and i feel like i'm looking at it in a whole different way now i know what that is which is really interesting so that's a nice little way to like round it up but yeah i i

definitely think that limerence is worse than unrequited love yeah and actually after reading about both i don't really think either of us fit for any of them no neither do i i think i took them a bit lightly when i was first like this is the first time i'd heard about these guys i'd never heard of these it was the way you said it's so boldly as much as you guys at the beginning so boldly with chest you were like oh yeah yeah i've done i've experienced i know as if like that was me yeah definitely not saff let's just clarify that i'm very like i get really obsessed with people but it does take a lot as well yeah no they're obsessed with you is it is an equal obsession yeah yeah it's just i love love anyways this one loves love bring it in bring it in got the heart well thank you all so much for

listening to this bonus episode if you do want to go and catch up on tuesday's episode we also did rate the met gala outfits actually in that one as well which was quite fun i love doing stuff like that which we enjoyed far too much as we sat here in our joggers as we sat here in a vest top and joggers us rating thousands of pounds in a vest top and joggers us right in thousands of pounds worth of dresses saying they were shit but i love it thank you so much for listening and we will see you on tuesday for another bonus episode see you guys bye sex lies and dm slides is a spotify original podcast it was produced by spirit studios with olivia scott as the producer