Sex, Love, and What Else Matters - Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Episode Date: November 1, 2024

*Trigger Warning: This episode contains descriptions of domestic violence.*   Episode 134. This week, Kristen is joined by her sister Casey in honor of October being National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. They discuss what domestic violence is, report shocking statistics, and share personal stories of what they have gone through. We hope that this episode raises awareness and is an opportunity to start a conversation, showing those that have been impacted that they are not alone.   National Domestic Violence Hotline: [phone] or text BEGIN to 88788   Sponsors: Go to Nutrafol.com and use promo code DOUTE - our listeners get $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping Go to with VIIAHEMP.com and use code DOUTE for 15% off!   Follow us: @kristendoute @luke__broderick Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, babe. So welcome back to another episode of Balancing Act. Your girl, Kristin here. And I do not have Luke with me today because I have my sissy with me. Hi, Casey. Hi, Kristin. This is so exciting. So my sister's all the way on the East Coast, well, really the Midwest, but East Coast time zone. And the reason I do not have Luke on today because my sister

and I are going to be touching on and talking about something that my sister and I have some experience with and Luke does not. So I hope you guys find this educational. I hope you take notes. If you know anyone affected by what we're about to discuss or you are yourself, I hope this helps in some small way. So October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And this is obviously a very sensitive subject. So I want to trigger alert anyone and everyone right now. If this isn't something you're comfortable listening to, I completely understand, and maybe you can listen to it at a later time.

But we are gonna be discussing a lot of statistics, hopefully give you some information that you may not have, as well as I will list the hotline and a text line that you can reach out to at the very end. But I thought it was crazy that I kind of, I don't want to say forgot, but it kind of just blew past me that it was October and I knew that it was DV Awareness Month.

So for those of you who aren't aware of like the Awareness Month part of it, it's essentially like a national campaign that's dedicated to raising awareness. It's also an opportunity to start the conversation and to show those that are impacted that they are not alone. Because I will tell you from a personal standpoint, as someone who has been a victim of domestic violence, as well as someone who is an ally to unfortunately, too many girlfriends.

It's very emotional saying that out loud. Wow. It's a very isolating thing. So yeah. And I brought my sister on because she too, in her many years of living on God's green earth, who's happily married now, but, you know, unfortunately has had experience with this as well, Casey. And Casey, you also volunteer with a local shelter in Michigan that I have jumped on board to try to help from way out here. And I think that's like so, so important to be acting locally and then thinking globally. Absolutely. You know, like with my experience with where I volunteer, they train you on things that they take you out of your box. You think about domestic violence and you think about movies, right?

Where the guy's beaten the hell out of his girlfriend or his wife or his kids or, you know, he's a drunk and he's a tyrant and he's all these things and that's not always the case. And I think it's usually not the case, right? I mean, in my own experience. No, a lot of times it's the guy that people would say, I can't believe he would do that, or the girl that I can't even picture her being like that.

A narcissist is one thing and they present themselves well. There's the people you never see that it happens to. And honestly, if someone's in it, they're not gonna tell you they're ready to be done. So there's the coverups, there's the excuses, there's the, you know, it was my fault, I did it. All those things we've heard, you and I have heard or said ourselves, or hid for however long. And then there's the questions like the victim blaming. And that's my big thing is we have got

to stop victim blaming. Oh, completely. That's what makes it so difficult for any victim survivor, men or women, because believe it or not guys, we'll throw some statistics out at you, but this does happen to men too. I think we hear it a lot more often from and about women, but it absolutely can happen

to anyone. So I want to start really quick just with the most simple way to explain what is domestic violence if you're curious, just to throw it out there. Because I think when I first started looking into this many, many years ago, just to tag onto what you were saying, Case, I think that I didn't realize that it was about control. And that's something that really surprised me. So domestic violence, also referred to as like dating violence

or intimate partner violence, dating abuse, relationship abuse. It is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. And that really blew my mind many years ago that it was about power and control. And what we will get into is that there are so many versions of abuse because like you said earlier, Kayce, I think the thing everyone thinks of right away is a broken bone. He slapped me. She hit me.

But there are just so many other ways that abuse can present itself. So Casey, want to kind of go over the wheel, if you will? Sure. And anybody listening can look it up. If you were to type in domestic violence or DV power and control wheel, there's a lot of versions of the wheel that are out there that are very specific. Abuse of any type of minority is going to be higher. Because if you have a language barrier,

if you're differently abled in some way, you're already isolated. If I am differently abled and my caretaker is my abuser, I'm less likely to feel safe to reach out for another option, right? And we'll cover some of the reasons why. Or if I don't speak English and the person who is my abuser speaks for me when the cops come, or if I can't speak at all and I use sign language and the person who's interpreting for me If I make that call isn't translating or isn't providing the real information You're less likely to speak out, you know

And culturally when you deal with those type of things a minority situation there's cultural impacts You know that are used against them in the manipulation tactics. Like you said, everything's about manipulation. Everything is about control. It's not about the abuse and it's not about saving a relationship, and it's not about you belong to me, it's control. Yes. Clean and simple. If we went over the wheel, starting with abuse, yes,

domestic violence is physical abuse. That's not just punching, kicking, breaking bones. It's locking someone out of their home. Oh, yeah. Restraining you from leaving, blocking an exit. Blocking exits. Absolutely. Throwing items, breaking things, like... Making things, threatening to harm things you own, can all be physical violence, manipulation to threaten hurt your children. Pets.

If you do this to us, I'm going to do this to our kids. If you do this to us, I'm gonna hurt our pets. If you leave, I'll kill your dog. Those things are real and they sound far-fetched in movie, but it's everyday life for some people. Like you said, property, right? I'm a homeowner. I don't have much.

I'm struggling. You're going to damage what I have, so I have nothing to come back to if I leave. Or you're not going to let me take my things. Right. And I mean, and those threats and those like coercions alone will make the victim absolutely kind of like bow down to the abuser because it's like, I have to protect what I do have. So therefore I will do whatever you say

in order to protect the walls of this home. And I'm going to stay because I don't want my dog to be hurt and I can't take it or my kids and I have nowhere to go. So I have to protect my kids. It becomes pure survival mode. You make decisions based on survival mode that you may not make if you were out of the box that you're in and we're seeing from the other side. In my own experience,

you have to get on the other side to see those things because you've normalized what's not normal and you've come so far in that not normal spectrum that looking back, it's like, how, how did I get there? How, how did I not see these other options? But you really don't because you're in survival mode and it's like eyes forward. Spiritual abuse, that's on the wheel. Spiritual abuse is, you know, twisting scriptures

or, you know or whatever your beliefs are to gain power. Our faith doesn't believe in divorce. Our faith believes submit. What does submit mean? Well, in this scenario, it's going to mean submit to me as your husband and do as I say, because that's what we were taught to believe. Because do you, yeah, it's like, do you obey by your religion, your God, your spirituality? Well, if you do, I mean, then you wouldn't be doing this thing, you would be following what I'm telling you. And again, I think you're in a box, right?

You're in an isolated box at this point. And all you have is your faith you're holding onto. And now it's being used against you. And you're questioning everything faith you're holding onto, and now it's being used against you. And you're questioning everything because you're being manipulated. Yeah, or conversely using your faith against you, right? Oh, you're an idiot, you're stupid, your faith, where's your God now?

Using it against you, right? Yeah, where's your God now? Oh, that's so heavy. Like, oh, you believe in God? Well, God's not here right now, is God? That kind of thing, it does happen. Exactly, and it's like psychological warfare, right? And when you're out of the box, and if you're listening

and you've never experienced it, or never someone you loved and were close with went through that with them, it can sound outlandish, just outrageous. Like, I know this fool didn't think this was normal, but I equate it to what's that analogy with the frog in the pot, right? You're boiling the epilogue. Talk about you slowly boiling it alive. You put it in the warm water because if you put it in a boiling pot, it's going to jump out. But if you slowly increase it, the heat normalizes,

the frog normalizes, it acclimates, and it just progresses to the death. That's how I think, in my opinion, our goose works. Yeah, because you do start to normalize it, because it rarely starts... At least I will say, I don't want to speak for everyone and everything, but in my experience personally and with people that I know, it rarely starts as this asshole.

This asshole, because you're not really going to fall for that. You're not going to spend the time on that. Right. But mostly they show up as, oh my God, where was this wonderful person all along? Super charming. And then charming turns to manipulation. go to the wheel for emotional abuse, right? Like you literally have a book on it He's making you crazy and that's not saying oh, I went crazy because of him That's not even what the books about right? Right. It's about invalidating your feelings

Guilt to manipulate you, blame for everything, acting jealous, denying affection, silence you admit. Yeah. So I'll say in the beginning, that chapter of my book, obviously I'm not going to read the whole thing, but the very beginning of that chapter of my book called My Darkest Hour, the chapter starts as abuse comes in many different forms. It's hard to talk about. I never thought it would happen to me. I denied it when it did, and I downplayed it when somebody else found out. This particular guy started out as a fun, rebound fling masked as a relationship, but it didn't end up that way, unfortunately. His abusive behavior crept in slowly at first with name calling and constant hyper criticism

every other day. And I thought I could handle those things because I'm a tough girl with pretty healthy self-esteem when I'm at my best. And that is how I felt. And I thought I could handle those things because I'm a tough girl with pretty healthy self-esteem when I'm at my best. And that is how I felt. And that is how a lot of my friends have felt in their experiences. Like, what, like I can handle this. This is crazy.

Like he's just, something must be wrong right now. He's going through things. The excuses, right? Because for two reasons, I think that we have both done that, made the excuses, is one, the love bombing at the beginning. Oh, yes. You bought into this safe, happy bliss that must be love. And then in the end, where you end up with the abuse,

you can't tell people because you're not ready to leave. Not saying you can't, I'm saying we couldn't help people. Because we started making excuses because we weren't ready to take that next step. We just kept hoping, because that's actually a cycle in abuse. The tear you down, the put you through it, then the love bombing builds you back up.

It's like, I'll build you up, I'll tear you down. And you hold on for that buildup because you remember how good that was, how good that felt. And it's like, I just got to get back to that spot. And then you do it. And maybe it's a really long time between, but eventually it gets shorter and shorter and shorter. And then hopefully it clicks for the person being abused. But that goes right along with the

emotional abuse with intellectual abuse. That's the true gaslighting, right? You're crazy. You didn't see what you saw. I didn't see what you said I'm saying. Yeah. And you guys, I've realized over the past few years, I think it's because of like social media and things like that. But these people like to call these like, these are like buzzwords. They're like, oh, you're using the buzzword. But let me tell you literally what gaslighting is. It is denying things that they have said or they have done in order to make you wonder

if you have overreacted, if you have misinterpreted, because then you start to question everything. That is that he or she, you know, in my experience, he is making you crazy. You literally start questioning your own sanity because you went through it. You were there, you heard it, you experienced it, but then this person is telling you that that's not what happened. So you actually start questioning your own reality. And that is gaslighting. Hey everyone, as we dive deeper into fall and our lives get busier,

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Is there really? If you ever want to know what gaslighting means, where the term comes from, it's about a husband who tries to drive his wife insane to steal her inheritance. Basically, he does these things to make her think she's going crazy. One of the things he does is he's turning down the gas light more and more and more throughout the movie. That's where the term comes from.

He's making her think she's crazy. These things aren't happening. You're insane. It's all you. That's what intellectual abuse is. It's all you. And that's what intellectual abuse is. It's manipulating information. It's making you prove everything. It's dumbing you down. It's making you question yourself over and question your own judgment of what you know you're experiencing and manipulating

you into thinking you're wrong. Yeah. And isolation tactics. That's a huge thing. Like telling you certain friends of yours, your family, they're not good for you. They're bad news. Like you shouldn't be hanging out with people like that. You shouldn't surround yourself with people like that. They want to break us up. They don't understand. And so you do start to isolate. Especially if there's someone in your life who's catching on. Yes. Right? Who's putting ideas in your head. They don't want us to be together. No, they see what I'm missing. They're

seeing what I'm not seeing because I'm so far down the normalization stages of whatever chaos we've got that I stopped questioning it. It's just what it is now. This is who we are. It's the path we're in, you know. And that's a big hump that I remember in one of my own personal experiences was once it got to that point where I started believing that friends of mine were bad influences, they didn't understand. And I started shutting down and really retreating and not hanging out with the people that I wanted to anymore. I actually remember very specifically, which is so funny because now the relationship I'm in, I'm such a homebody these days. And this has nothing to do with like my age or whatever.

I'm just, I enjoy being home. I enjoy my home life. I find a lot of joy in that these days. But in this particular relationship that I was in, I was told that I remember going out to have wine with some of my girlfriends on a Tuesday evening or a Wednesday evening and just getting ten shades of hell for that. Because who has wine on a Tuesday? It's not a weekend. Who do I think I am?

That is just ridiculous. That is not an adult behavior. I should only be going out on Fridays and Saturdays. Like, I don't like going out on Fridays and Saturdays. And I would try to defend myself. And I was just constantly told what a mess I was and how I was never gonna achieve anything in life because I chose to have Tuesday night be the night

that I like to have a couple of glasses of wine with my girlfriends. Like, I fucking believed that. And I started cutting off and shutting down certain friends and became closer with friends that were more of his friends. But when those friends, the women, started seeing past his bullshit, then they were no good either. Then it was like, everyone's crazy.

And fortunately, I got out of it when I did, but it was just wild when I looked back on it. I was told that I went out way too much and I was so extroverted and it was insane that I never wanted to be home with my dog. And I'm like, what? It was crazy. It's all manipulation. And on the wheel, I feel like they overlap, right?

Nobody has one type of abuse. It kind of overlaps in different techniques until the controller is what I'll call them, finds what works. Yeah. So I will say like that particular person I was talking about was never laid a finger on me, AKA physical abuse. Did they throw things or break things? Yes. And actually controlled the way I spent my money or tried to, I will say, tried to control the way I spent my money and told me like, that was dumb. That was a dumb purchase.

I should only be doing this with my money. And I never knew that financial abuse was also a thing. That's a huge one. And it comes in so many ways, not just limiting access to money, but start making your financial decisions for you, like you just said, or not paying the things they're supposed to be paying, creating debt for you.

Right. It could be like on either end of the spectrum when it comes to financial. Yeah. Hiding money, closing accounts, doing things, writing checks out of your checkbook after you left them because they found a checkbook. Or using your credit card or debit card without your knowledge or consent. Exactly. I mean, it's a control, right? Now I have your finances messed up. You can't get away from me. I'm here forever. I'm still right here. See me. You're not going to shake

me. That's kind of stalking, right? Like I've cut you off and now you're raiding my finances. Now you're- Where does, is stalking one of those things that kind of falls into a lot of different categories because I was thinking about like jealousy and possessiveness that kind of goes along with like the isolation, you know,

where it's like showing up where you are, like being on your phone all the time or going through your emails and making sure you're not going places or that they'll be there all the time. So just, would you say stocking can fall into multiple categories or is that kind of its own category? It's not its own category on the wheel. I would say it could fall into multiple because it's going to affect your psychological. Yeah Intellectual It might control your physical because when I was being stalked I started not going places

I stopped going to work for a week until I could get something in order to stop them from being at my job We're sitting outside my house when I got home I started having people meet me at my house because I worked late at night so that I wasn't walking in alone because they would let me. They never approached me at my house when that happened, but they would make sure I saw their car six houses down. Or they would send pictures of me, of myself walking into my house. Oh, fear tactics.

Yeah. Pictures of me shopping and then texting me, what are you buying me? We're not together. You're not supposed to contact me. Why are you sending me these things? Sitting in the parking lot next to my job to let me know that, maybe I can't come to your job, but I still can go next door.

I think this is an important one to drive home to listeners that may not know, because I will say before my knowledge with this, when you typically think of stalking, you think of a stranger, like in the movies, an unwanted person that you don't really know and they're following me around or they're peeping Tom, but it's not like someone you have a relationship with. So I think that some people don't know that. And I think most stalking is going to be intimate partners.

It's going to be, I shouldn't say most, in my experience, the stalkers that I've been made aware of, whether in my case or others, were intimate partners that were disgruntled. And it was a control and power. I'm here, I'm not going away. There's nothing you can do. Yes. Yeah. I literally had somebody say to me once, I'll always be just one step on this side of the law

You can't do anything about it. And I remember thinking Well so far I haven't everything I report they're like, well, you know, we'll have a conversation And this was a long time ago and things have changed and stalking laws weren't then what they are now But there were loopholes in everything, and they took the time to know the loopholes because it was worth it to terrorize me. Yeah, in order to get away with what they wanted to get away with. Right, to make their point.

Right. Yeah, I've had like one particular person in my past would always like, would find a way into like my parking garage in order to leave notes on my car or like right on my windshield with things or like know where I was and then do things like same thing. It was always like with my car, but it was never like showing up where I was to see me face to face. And so at the time I would even though I was finally starting to like get it a little

bit, but at the time I still would, there was part of me that would think, well, thank God they didn't approach me. Well, at least I'm lucky enough they didn't approach me. So what's the big deal? Kind of a thing. And that's pretty bananas. Like it's a really big deal. No, it's funny that you say that because I can remember with my volunteer work

and my training and things and things that I had said, putting pieces together, you know, they say some people don't realize it because you think in your head, even though you know it's bad, I can remember saying I'm not being kicked and punched or guns pulled out on me. It could be worse. Right. Like I don't, I'm not on this level of these people who really need help. Like I'm not in the hospital and ICU, like I see some women or men or people have to go through, therefore, yeah, 100%.

Right, I can't put myself on that level because I'm not, you know, I've seen worse kind of thing. They said to me, nobody started at worse, so don't wait till you're there. You have all these other things, these facts that are saying, yes, you are these people. Don't disqualify your discomfort with what's happening.

It's valid. I think because you're invalidatedated for so long that it's hard to accept it. Verbiage is a lot. Like stopping and rewiring your brain in the middle of it is a lot. And like one of the points on the wheel was talking about, you know, different physical violence and it says choking. And I learned not to use that word from the nonprofit Wayne County. Choking is when you choke on food. If someone puts their hands around your neck or uses something else to cut off your flow of air, you're being strangled. Oh, wow.

When you have to say the word strangled, it's impactful if you're saying, oh, he choked me once or you downplay it. Not that you would downplay it, he told me once or, oh, you know, you downplaying it, not that you would downplay it, but I've heard it downplayed. And to stop and say, oh my gosh, I've definitely downplayed that. And I, yeah, 100%. It's a rewire. It's a rewire of what was deprogrammed in your brain to stop and be like, no, this is

very real. It's been downplayed and I've been made to think I'm wrong and I'm crazy and I'm this. It's all very real. Yeah, because the whole thing in and with abuse is, as we keep saying, the power and control, but it's like the little things that start are just there to like chip away until you have little to no self-esteem, because people with little to no self-esteem, because people with

little to no self-esteem are very less likely to leave. Someone with a lot of healthy self-esteem who will choose to rely on their support system and will choose to speak up because they have not been methodically chipped away like that, like that's not the person that the abuser is going to go for. Like they are not the person that the abuser is going to go for. Like they are going to try, and I don't want to say go for, but like, or like continue to manipulate. Do you know what I mean? I hope I'm wording that correctly. Yeah. And I think you said something really important there because you hear in the victim blaming that is the norm still, unfortunately, and sadly, you hear people say, why don't

they just leave? Oh, God. And it's like, even if you take the psychological out of it, even if you take the mental breakdown that they went through to get to the point that they're in this mess, people think about their safety, right? My situation escalated way further

than it was when I was in it when I left. And I think your abuser's threats are huge. If you do this, I'll do that. You can't do this because of this. People know if I leave, these threats are real because they're already doing all these other things. Financial, that's on the wheel. Even if it's not part of they're controlling it now, maybe you're a two income house. Maybe they're the bulk of the finances, whatever

the situation is, where am I going to go making you feel as if you literally haven't they convince you have absolutely nothing else. And we're here we're here to tell you that you do. So we will you do. Yeah. And and and you think even if I go here, I won't be safe. That happened to me. I went somewhere else and I was not 100% safe there. That's real. But I'm not discouraging anybody. I'm saying these are very real things, but there is an out. There is an out.

But those are the kind of things that keep you from leaving. And I'll say personally, for me too, and I don't mean reputation because of me being on a television show and whatnot, but I mean within my friend group, my community, being terrified of being called a liar. And being like having the person say that like I was the one who like forced him to act the way that he acted. Because I was quote unquote crazy. I'm saying that now because of the show and everyone like, oh, crazy Kristen, whatever. But I was definitely terrified of just being called a liar. If I spoke up, no one was going to believe me because this person specifically that I'm

thinking of right now, and really a few people, unfortunately, that I've been involved with, but just like how convincing and how damning their words could be because they were so good at manipulation. They were so great at the control. So that's part of the other one that's on the wheel, actually. Social, the social on the wheel is isolating you, monitoring your phones, freedom to work, things like that. Controlling your access to information, controlling your access to education, but it's also controlling your social environment. I am isolated because now I can't tell people or I'm afraid what they think or that's part of the social.

I've now isolated you to the point that you're not talking to your friends, you're talking to my friends, and my friends aren't going to believe you. Yes. Oh, God. And I'm telling you, man, have I been there? And I have a very good friend, unfortunately, who has been there as well, a female friend of mine, who has been in that position to where you really think their friends are your friends, because that's kind of all you have at times and for me personally. And then when you reach out

to those people or that person, because it's like your family now, right? I mean, they're the ones you're closest to. Trust me, you don't have them. You don't. You typically don't, in my experience. Typically you don't, unless it's somebody that already has that person's game right and they're maybe in a friend's circle and they see what you see and now you're you're coming forth that might be your ally but their friends are their friends because their friends are also buying into what you bought into so there's no way such and such is doing this. I

can't imagine that. It's all you. You're crazy. You're trying to be the problem. You're trying to break up friendships. You're trying. And by this point, they've probably already told their friends you're crazy.

There's already a preconceived notion about you're crazy. You don't wanna work. Not that I won't let you work. You don't wanna work. Or you never wanna go out. You wanna stay home. Or that I won't let you work. You don't want to work. Or you never want to go out, you want to stay home, or all you want to do is go out. Like, whatever the spin they need to make their story valid has already been told when you weren't there.

Mm-hmm. That's a great point. But there's no way you can go to those people. And now they've taken away your people, so who do you have? In reality, I want people to know you have the people, most likely likely that you cut off. They're waiting for you to reach out. Absolutely. But in your mind, you're thinking you do not have anybody. But I want people to know that in most cases, your friends are still there, your family is still there, reach out to who is still there. They're waiting for you to come back to them.

And for the you, the you to come back, the you that they know, love, and miss so well and so much. They didn't cut you off, you cut them off. Right, and not meaning to. It was because of the abuse. Right, but in your head, you're like, I have nobody, nobody talks to me, right? You know, I don't even have friends, I haven't talked to anybody so long. That's not because

they stopped talking to you, though. Remember, when you really sit down and think, you shifted. So don't be afraid to reach out to those people. And when we say this, we don't mean as in it's like, this person's fault. It's just like factually what happened. Right. I'm not blaming anybody. I'm putting in the perspective that you're feeling like they cut you off and you have nobody, but that's not true. Because yeah, let us tell you, I will tell you from my point of view as someone who's been the friend, I very much felt exactly the way you're describing where I was like,

I'm just waiting. I'm waiting for her to reach out to me because I don't know what else to do because I feel like there have been times where I've tried, especially as someone who is a survivor and has been the victim, I knew it so well that I kind of knew I had to wait for her to come around because essentially all I was doing was pushing her away by trying to shove it down her throat

that I knew what was happening. It didn't stop me because I wanted to keep showing up for her, but it did take until she was ready. Until they're ready to do that next step, they're gonna protect themselves or protect their choice to be there, whatever you wanna call it, by making excuses,

deflecting, not even really accepting what's happening. The person has to get there on their own and you just need to keep your hand out to them. Yeah. I was going to ask like within training, I mean, you're kind of filling us all in me as well, but in the training perspective of it, is that kind of like how they tell you to navigate speaking to or trying to help? No, if you're volunteering with survivors, you really have to detach. You can't use your own experiences. You can't use, you just have to be an ally and give information. But it's not uncommon for somebody to leave a situation and go back once or twice or three

times before they're done. I think a lot of people, once they've said it, now they're maybe embarrassed, humiliated, ashamed, whatever emotion you're feeling, and then now you're not reaching out a second time. I think that's part of the training is you have to accept it for whatever reason, for their dog, for their dog, for their kids, for their finances. Maybe they've moved out of state and they literally have nobody here and they can't get where they're going. And right now they just need to do what they

need to do in survival mode. You can't judge that. And I think one of the things, you know, we asked, why do people not leave? And we covered that. But how do some people end up over and over in the wrong relationship? There are people who You've had more than one. Yeah, you know like raising my hand over here hundred percent And I think like I said, we can't victim shame but in short, I think if they don't see the red flags other people are seeing right like if all you've known in a romantic relationship has been toxic and abusive or maybe you don't have a lot of experience in romantic relationships, but your childhood

was filled with either your own abuse or witnessing abuse and toxicity and unhealthy relationships on some level, I think it's fair to say your radar is off, right? Oh, yeah. I would say me, speaking for myself, my radar was off. And like, I think a lot of it was like me wanting to fix people after I started realizing like my own faults with not in the relationship, but in my own life and being like, okay, wow, I'm starting to figure me out. Now, look at this poor broken soul, so misunderstood. Like, and I'm not saying right away at first, but there have been men in my life where it has been that,

where I'm like, God, I feel so bad. Like no one understands what they're going through, what they've been through. That's the only reason they act the way they act. They can't help it, blah, blah blah blah, but they can help it You can't everyone everyone We're all accountable for our own actions at the end of the day if I've been mistreated It doesn't give me the right to mistreat exactly and that also was something I had to learn coming out

Like I had to learn what a healthy relationship was like Oh, it's not normal for me to scream at you because now I'm upset. Like you wanna have a real conversation. What is happening right now? Oh hell no, I'm not about this life. You know what I mean? Like I didn't know how to do it.

Right, it's easier to yell or shut down, yell or shut down. Yell or shut down, right? Fight or flight is kind of where you're at, fight or flight. So much goes into retraining yourself and abusers have to do the same thing. Like if they don't wanna be that person,

then they have to do the work. The problem is there are people that their intent is to be these people. Like love bombing, we talked about that earlier today. It's just a manipulation tactic. It makes you feel safe in the beginning. If you're already broke down from your past relationships inside, if your confidence is low,

if your radar is off, if you're looking for that high that comes with a new relationship, the dopamine, the endorphin rush that you get, that bliss when you're being love bombed. Yes. You're like, this has to be love. And he's so much better than what I came from or she or they.

Right. This is what I was waiting for. And we know love bombing is really just about, I'm going to force the trust, I'm going to force the dependency, and now I have the control. So there are people that that is who they are, that's who they choose to be. On the other side, there's people who recognize they have issues.

Myself, coming out of a bad situation, I had to rewire myself to not react the way that I would have reacted in a situation that was unhealthy. A healthy relationship was so confusing to me. Why don't you want to fight because you don't care? Like my own toxicity, right? I had to rewire that. I think sometimes certain environments encourage abusive relationships. Yes. I very much agree with that. You have to choose to unlearn that.

Yes. You guys, this is so much more common than you might believe, statistically speaking, one in two women and more than two in five men experience domestic violence, partner abuse. Breakthecycle.org, they say one in every two women in the United States will face physical violence from an intimate partner at some point in their lives. Almost one in five women in the US report contact sexual violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime. 40 million women reported being slapped, pushed, or shoved in their last poll. Almost half of all women reported any psychological aggression by their

intimate partner in their lifetime. So this is like a nationwide survey that was done I believe in 2017. So this is before the pandemic. We do know statistically that during the pandemic abuse increased. These are older numbers on a partner violence survey, specifically partner violence. But we know that in the pandemic, like there were reports and statistics and news articles and you know, a health crisis about domestic violence increased. You're isolated at its worst, right? Nobody can go anywhere.

Stress is higher. There's no room between you and another person in a situation that's unhealthy that is high risk for escalation. So these older numbers are probably much higher in the last few years. Yeah, I definitely agree with that, which is like so unfortunate. So I hope, you know, I hope everyone listening to this, unfortunately, there are going to be a lot of people listening to this that have definitely been through it, are going through it, have friends or family members,

they know people that are going through it. I will say there is a hotline and I feel like a lot of people don't want to reach out to the hotline. But if you are too afraid or you feel so alone that you cannot reach out as you feel that you cannot reach out to someone in your circle and you don't really know what to do, there is a hotline there for you. It's 1-800-799-7233. I will make sure this is at the bottom listed for you as well. Or a lot of us don't want to talk on the phone. You're too afraid.

You can text the word begin to 88788. There are also, it's just a Google away to find out local shelters that are there to help you as well that you can, I mean, that's kind of what you have experienced with Casey, like locally in Michigan, helping out at a local shelter. Yeah, in Wayne County, you have the first step, which both Kristin and I have supported over the years in many different ways. But when I talk about things that stop people from

leaving, one of the big things is animals. And I will say in your hometown, for those who are familiar, and I'm sure in other shelters, they are now building facilities that will allow you to bring your animals. So like in Wayne County, they have the ARC. The ARC is a program that provides housing for your animal pet members, so nobody's left behind. That is a huge barrier, right? Most of us, our pets are our families.

So, you know, look for options. When you call these lines, they'll ask you, are you safe? And if you're just looking for information, you can say, I'm safe right now, but I need information. Call for information. A lot of these facilities offer free counseling. Get the counseling. They offer shelters, they offer housing. A big thing that I think that people need to know too, you need your escape plan. If you're planning to do it. Yes. Thank you for bringing that up. I did not have one.

I ran out the door with no bags, no nothing and that was it. But they will help you come up with a safe plan. Here's what you do. Do you want to pack a bag and have it somewhere? Where can you go? Who can you call? They will design a plan personalized to you. Do you have someone that can help you, that can meet you? Reach out to these resources, even if it's just information. If you provide a contact

number for anybody at these locations, they will not call and say, Hi, I'm such and such, you know, domestic violence support. They don't show up with a callback number. They are very conscious of being a safe space for you. First step for somebody looking for answers is to just get information. If you're at a police station, something has happened and you've gone as far as to report it and you don't know what to do next, ask. Ask for a domestic violence person. There's in most communities volunteers that will come to the police station

and bring you information. That's it. They won't talk to you. They won't tell you their story. They won't pressure you. They'll give you resources. And- And I wanna say,

I was just Googling this really quickly because I didn't know if this was, I don't know if you've ever heard about the woman who called 911 and ordered a pizza, like that's what she was saying. So I was Googling it really quickly to see if that was like the universal sort of code or whatever, and it's not. So unfortunately, if you were to use that, I would assume that a 911 operator may think it's a prank. But I would like to say, maybe not to law enforcement listening to this, but just to the everyday person listening to this,

that when someone does call you or tries to tell you, they might not come right out and say that it might take a lot of work to sort of get there. So just listen, like listening and listening and listening can be very helpful and sort of asking and feeding them what they may not be comfortable in saying. And so if you don't know about this 911 call really quickly, you can look it up. But this woman was, I think she was in the car with, it says a 38 year old woman called 911 when her mother's boyfriend came home intoxicated, I guess is what I'm looking at on CNN. But essentially she called 911 and said she wanted to order a pizza.

And 911 at first was like, you can't call 911 for this. This is a prank call, blah, blah, blah. And she just kept very calmly saying, no, a pepperoni. Very just trying to get it across, which was extremely brave of her. The equivalent of that stare, right? Her voice is the equivalent of that stare. pepperoni, like very just like trying to get it across, which was extremely brave of her. The equivalent of that stare, right? Her voice is the equivalent of that stare, like, hear what I'm saying, see what is happening. Yeah. And luckily and fortunately enough, the 911 operator finally got it. And they

were like, oh, are you unsafe right now? Are you with the abuser right now? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay. And eventually they got help. So just kind of listen and feed into the hints because it may not be, it's probably not easy at all for someone to come forward when they are feeling slightly ready. I think that's important. And also because, like I said, it is October, which is, or it's the end of October, which is DV awareness month. But I thought this was really important because the holidays are coming up and the holidays can be a very stressful time. Also a very isolating time, financially stressful, just stressful in general with the family and the holidays and the

expectations. And there's just so much that happened around the holidays. And I know like, divorce rates go up in the holidays. So I just wanted everyone to be really aware of this, no matter what end of the spectrum you're on when it comes to domestic violence. So yeah. And also if you're not someone that this totally resonates with, which is amazing, I don't wish this upon anyone, volunteer, donate if you can. Yes, volunteer. There's so many opportunities. Even your shelter, you could do something as, you know, maybe you're not comfortable with engaging with survivors, which there's a lot of work that goes into

being qualified to do. But in most, if you have a shelter in your area, we'll collect things like, right now, holidays are coming. They're doing adopt a family for Christmas. Help them have as normal of a Christmas as they can. Just to interrupt really quick, Casey, just make sure that you do contact the shelter to find out what they are willing to accept and what they are in need of because it is it can be specific, they usually provide you a wish list or they collect dollar value to provide the gift in most cases, but you usually provided with a wish list. You know, it could be as simple as,

hey, we're raising money for Christmas dinner. Can you get a Meyer or, you know, whatever you have where you are, you know, targets, whatever, gift cards to help support their holiday dinner. It seems like a small thing, but $25 is gonna buy their turkey that they're not gonna have.

Or just, or something for their children to have a little something under the tree. So it normalizes for the children that are involved because there are children involved in a lot of these instances. And not all the people that are in the program are in the shelters. Correct. So keep that in mind.

I might be at home paying rent and doing this. I don't have Christmas money or birthday money or all through the year back to school money. So reach out to them. Are you doing a project backpack collection? Halloween's coming. Are you doing a costume drive? Are you raising money for holiday dinners? One thing that I do for first step, at least once a year, is I make baskets that go to the shelter and they just sit in their lobby in the residence center. They have two centers.

They have a Wayne Center, they have a Plymouth Center, and then they have other contact points. But I make these baskets and they, you know, they might have nail polish, lipstick, a book, something to doodle on, nervous energy, where can you expel that? Fidget toys, different things, an affirmation card,

things that would be their normal everyday. Right now, they can't run to the store to get. They're in survival mode, resources are limited, safety is first having a bad day and being able to walk into those lobbies and Grab something to normalize your day or to lift your spirit goes a long way Write a letter. Hey, you're not alone. You know what I mean? They don't generally let you have anything that's faith-based,

but there's nothing that says you can't be positive. Like, hey, you're not alone. You know, here's some meal policy, here's some things. I hope your day is good. You know? You are loved, you are beautiful. You are loved, you are worthy. You do matter.

Yes. This was not your fault. You know what I mean? Like, you don't want to write those things. Those words really, really go a long way. Yeah. Maybe not write that in there, but the expression of the basket could be that, I am worthy. Here is this thing.

I can normalize. I can recover. Today's going to be a good day. Oh my gosh. I can do my nails. I can put on some lip gloss. I can whatever it is. Those are things you can ask the shelter. Most of them have websites. Most of them have websites. Most of them have wish lists.

Most of them have opportunities to volunteer, opportunities to support. It's published. They let you know this is what we need. They're nonprofits. This is what we need for the people that are here. Not for us, for our survivors. Take a look at what they need, and if you have the ability to provide any of it, do it. Yeah. I mean, I think it's something I would love for all of the listeners to consider

and spread to your friends and family. It's fun to do your white elephant parties and your gift exchanges, but also how cool would it be if everyone in your friend group chipped in five bucks, 10 bucks, and then you donated to a family in need? Absolutely. You literally could make your project adopt a family, not White Elephant, for the same cost. You can give a family as normal of a Christmas as they can have, probably during the hardest time of their life. And people forget, it's a process. You can leave today, your friend, your person, they can leave today, but they're still dealing with this for a very long time.

So continued support is so key in the months, years to come. Years, yeah. I mean, the healing process is long, triggers are a thing, and also just building up the self-confidence again to not go back to someone or something like that. To not repeat habits. There's a lot of guilt associated with being a survivor, which when I say that is always such a weird thing to say, why would a survivor have guilt? They do. They have guilt, they have shame in some cases, and they have to learn to heal that, to normalize. Yeah, there's a lot of relearning that goes on.

There's a lot of unlearning. Unlearning. That's a great point. Yeah. Unlearning. I can say that for me. Yeah. I was very toxic for a while. Same. You heard it here. I can say that for me. Yeah.

Same. I was very toxic for a while. Same. You heard it here first, guys. Trust us. We know. Luckily, I'm not a public figure. Nobody knows who I am and there's no evidence of my spiraling, but I can relate.

We all spiral a little bit. Right. Well, Kayce, thanks so much for helping me with this and explaining everything. I think it's so important to get the facts out there. And I hope all of you listening really are taking this to heart that you are not alone and there are places and people that you can reach out to. So again, just so everyone knows at the bottom of the podcast page, I'm going to make sure that we list some resources as far as the 1-800 number, the hotline, and the texting, and the website.

And then also just to push on if you have the resources and you're able to help and donate your time or your money or adopting a family for the holidays, I really urge you to do so. All right, Kase, I love you so much. And thanks everyone for listening. We'll talk to you next week. Make sure to follow us on social media. You can follow me on all platforms at Kristen Doty and follow Luke on Instagram at Luke double underscore Roderick. Be sure to click

the subscribe button so you can stay up to date with new episodes. Thanks for listening. See you next week.